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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've placed the moratorium on inviting anyone else into our relationship. And so I make a decision about whether or not that's right for me. We've had that discussion and the topic always comes back up. Then what he's telling you is, for me, you are not enough for me.
Hey everybody, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your emotional health, your relationships, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. Millions and millions and millions of us are just trying to figure out what's the next right move, what's the next right step, how do I say I'm sorry, how do I say no more, and
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Please, please, please hit the subscribe button. It makes such a difference, a massive difference. Hit the subscribe button, hit the like button, the whatever buttons you got to push to let the computer gods know I like this show. I want to keep getting more and more of it. All right, let's go out to San Francisco, California and talk to Lola. Hey, Lola, what's up? Hello. How are you, Dr. John? I'm good. How are you?
Nervous. I'm nervous too. I'm nervous too. Well, thanks for calling. What's up? I actually wrote something down knowing that I was going to be nervous. And so I'm going to read you what I wrote down. Yeah, that sounds great. Okay. So here it goes. I'm struggling with concerns about the lifestyle my fiance is interested in, and I'm unsure about how to proceed.
I have faced a lot of challenges in my life, including childhood trauma and neglect, followed by years of addiction. I've been clean and sober for 10 years, and I'm a single mom of three. After focusing on my kids, my career, and my sobriety for a decade, I'm now 57 and ready for new beginnings. I lost weight, spent time reflecting, and then I met Derek.
He's different from anyone that I've ever known, very open and honest, which I value highly. We've been together for a year and a half, and he's been supportive and loving. He's kind and generous. He takes an active interest in my career, and he is loyal. I am bipolar, and he has been with me through some very low points and encouraged me to attend therapy.
We travel together, and he's generally a fun, charismatic companion. However, he has a history of polyamorous relationships prior to meeting me, Dr. John. I believe that his being involved with all these women taught him how to be a great communicator. And what that means for us is that no topics are off the table. It's truly the first adult relationship that I have enjoyed.
So what is the problem, right? The problem is that he sometimes misses the variety and he enjoys including others in our intimate life occasionally. This has been very challenging for me, Dr. John. I don't have moral objections and I do find some aspects of this exciting. However, what I've really faced are feelings of jealousy,
loneliness and rejection when going through these experiences. And I don't know how to continue. Number one, you articulated that beautifully. Well done. Thank you. Well done. Did you revise that over and over and over again? Uh, no. Good for you. No, I just kind of let it go on, you know, put, put it on the paper, just let it all come out. So as you said it out loud,
How did it feel? I'm a little embarrassed, Dr. John. This is, you know, this is so non, I come from a very traditional background and this is just so out of my norm and especially to be openly discussing it like we are. No, it's an act of bravery. There's no one. Well, there's no one to talk to about it, right? I can't talk to my friends or my family about it. And tell me about that. Why not?
Well, because they would judge us. They would judge him. They would not be in favor of it. You're not in favor of it. I don't know if I am or not. If something fills you with loneliness and jealousy and anger and frustration and sadness, when did you accept that that's just a part of things? Because you seem to think that just because you met someone who's fun and exciting and engaging, and I trust you that he is. Amazing. Great.
This is going to sound trite and cheesy, okay? This is an old, a buddy of mine is an experimental psychologist, and this is an example he uses. But he used to study disgust, okay? And he would make like a plate of brownies, and he would tell his students, there's just a tiny, tiny bit of dog crap in these brownies. Oh, my God. You won't even be able to taste it. The brownies are amazing. I'm going to pass them out.
And no student would touch those brownies. It got to where he would have like he would serve, he would open up a bedpan. He would buy a bedpan, show the students it had never been opened. He would open it up and then serve lemonade out of it. And no one would touch it because he was studying the disgust reflex, right? Okay. It's a strange analogy, but let's go back to the plate of brownies.
The plate of brownies can be wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. But if there's a thing inside there that's like, no, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't care how good the good parts are. If they reveal in me or they make me feel the way you described how you feel, there's no good that can balance that out. There's always going to be a little crap inside the brownies.
Right. And that doesn't discount how great the flavors are, how expensive and wonderful the chocolate was and the organic and how what great chef cooked it. Amazing. That's awesome. But it's always going to make me feel gross. Less than. Not enough. Unworthy. Sad. Lonely. And I think the greatest challenge adults face in adult relationships is looking at somebody and understanding both and.
You're a great person. You're fun. You're silly. You're whatever. And you're not for me. And I'm going to grieve it. I'm going to be sad. And I'm not going to believe the lie that I'll never find love. I'll never find joy. I'll never have fun again. I'll never blah, blah, blah. But it's not worth the feelings I have. Right. Because somewhere along the way, you feel that you're the one that's messed up in this situation or that somehow your feelings are what needs to be fixed here, right?
Um, yes, because I, so where we stand right now, Dr. John is that, um, I've placed a moratorium on inviting anyone else into our relationship until I make a decision about whether or not that's right for me. And as he looked at you and said, it's either all of us or you and I break up or will he honor you? No, he will honor me. He will honor me.
I feel like there will be repercussions because we've had that discussion and the topic always comes back up. Okay. Then what he's telling you is, for me, you are not enough for me. Right. That's it, Dr. John. Okay. That's exactly it. I'm telling you, you are worth finding someone that looks at you and sees the amazing strength, love, grit, resilience, transformation,
all of you and exhales and says, oh man, you're enough for me. You're more than enough for me. I could spend five lifetimes getting to know you, Lola, and never fully get to the bottom of how deep your well is. And I personally, if you are my sister, you are my close friend, I would never suggest you be in a relationship where the person across the table looks at you and says, yeah, you're good, but I'm going to need more.
Right. I'm going to need you to move over into that seat because I got, I need to fill these other two seats with other people. Right. Listen to me. You're enough. Maybe not for this guy, but you're enough. And I also understand like you had plans and you finally came out of the house into the sunlight and you met somebody who made you laugh and made you feel beautiful and made you feel loved. And the thought of starting all of that over again is harrowing. It is.
It absolutely is. I'm telling you, three years from now, when you're not just in the passenger seat over with one or two people in between you, but you're in the trunk and the car is filled up with other people, I'm just telling you, Lola, you're worth more than that. Both things can be true. And maybe you take a different path. And when you look back on this, what you learn is that you learned that you can laugh again, that you can hold someone again, that you are worthy of being loved.
And you may, that spark may have gone out over the last 10 years as you just circled the wagons and survived. Right? Right. Cool. He doesn't own that spark. That's yours. It's yours. It's not his. Do you believe me? I want to believe you, Dr. Jones. I know. I want to believe you. I know. I'm telling you the truth. That message of you are not enough is something I have carried with me my entire life. I know. And I'm telling you with all of my guts.
You are. And anybody, whether it was your mom, whether it was your dad, whether it was abusive exes, whether it was you looking in the mirror when you're in hell of addiction, or whether it's some guy that just is an addiction wrapped in a smile and an adventure, anybody who makes you feel like you're not enough is not worthy of your time because you are. All of you. The ups,
The downs, the long stretches when you're in the black hole, the fun stretches when you are riding high, right? All of it. I need you to hear me say somebody should have... I love this man, Dr. John, and I don't know how to exit the relationship without hurting him. And so you're going to sacrifice... Because I have thought about it. You're going to sacrifice yourself? I just don't know how to do it. No. No, I'm not. I'm not willing to do that. Good. Good.
I, here's the deal. I am going to refrain from telling you what to do next. I want you to own all of it. Okay. Okay. I want you to own the decision. Look in the mirror. I am, I'm, I'm, I'm worth being enough because I am, and I'm worth being loved in a way that makes me feel safe and that makes me feel whole and makes me feel connected. I am, I'm just worth that. I'm absolutely worth that.
And you might need to spend three sessions with a counselor there in town practicing. Here's how to have this hard conversation. Because for various reasons, I've been a people pleaser my whole life because that kept me safe and alive. Right? Whatever the thing is, I'm going to practice this conversation. I've got two or three girlfriends that I trust deeply. And we can sit down and we can have, we can navigate this together. And I'm going to have this hard conversation. And I trust you that you love him. No question about that. I trust that. And I trust that he's breaking your heart too.
Both things are true. Both and. I'm super, super grateful for you. And it's one of the honors of my life that I get to talk to you. I'm so proud to meet somebody who is as strong as you and has seen as much and has been through as much and is still standing tall and is still willing to say, I'm going to put my heart back out there again. Bravery, bravery. And somebody who's strong enough to say, no, not this time.
You do have some hard choices to make, 100%. And I'm going to ask on behalf of humanity that you make the choice that gives you peace, not the one that makes everybody else feel okay. You're enough. You're enough. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back.
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I am sitting in my car feeling nervous. Oh, that's good, man. It's good. I'm glad to have you. What's up? Hey, so I just had a question about insecurity and how I build confidence and that whole realm. So I'll kind of give you some backstory and then maybe that'll help with my question here. So I, first of all, am a missionary kid who grew up overseas. I live in the States now, but
don't really feel like it's home. It kind of feels like I don't really relate to a lot of things that people here want to talk about. Like people want to talk about the Chiefs and I'm like, I could care less about the Chiefs and that kind of stuff. How dare you, Andrew? I know, I know. We worship at the church of Patrick Mahomes.
I know exactly. Um, and then, so, so that's kind of, um, been a big part of just my journey for the last, I've been in the States now for six years or just like trying to get used to living here and what that's like.
And I also, when I was around 13 or 14, started getting pretty moderate to severe acne. And I've been struggling with that for probably the past 10 years or so. And so that kind of just put another damper on my confidence growing up a lot. Like, I just felt like I kind of avoided eye contact with people for a lot of my life because...
Like I could see their eyes moving and feeling like they were seeing my skin. I did. I remember that. Yep. You see the eyes dart all over your face. Yeah, dude. Yep. Yeah. And so it just made me kind of just avoid wanting to look at people in the eyes because I didn't want to know if they saw my skin and like, just, just kind of made me want to disappear. Yeah. Um, so I'm 24 now. I've been struggling with that for the past 10 years. It's kind of gone up and down. Um,
Um, so bringing you to now, I am getting married this summer and I really just want to feel like comfortable in my own skin standing there on the day of, and I really want to feel like I can be present. Um, I feel like I just struggle a lot right now with, um,
uh, in social situations, feeling like I'm able to just be present and be with the people that I'm with. And I'm just always thinking internally and feel like, Oh, I don't like, like, I don't like the way I look and I don't like the way, I guess I don't like the way that I feel. And I don't know. I, I, I want to, I want to be able to be present with people and, um,
Just, I guess, not care so much what people think. Then stop outsourcing it, dude. Yeah. Does this person you're marrying, do you believe that they love you? I do. Are you able to be yourself around them? Yes. I would say more so than most people. Okay. But you're still not fully there yet, and that's actually okay. Yeah. Okay? You're going to have to lean in and trust. But at some point, you're going to have to make the decision, and it's hard.
that I'm going to stop outsourcing how I feel and my value and my worth and my attractiveness, both inside and outside, to everybody else. And let's just call a spade a spade from one bad acne kid to another. It sucks, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Sucks. And that eye contact thing you're talking about, dude, I got so good that it crossed over into paranoid.
Yeah. Where I would track people's eyes real fast and make quick flash decisions. And to this day, I still mumble and I still avoid eye contact and I still kind of look people like, what? And I see them looking at me trying to figure out what I'm talking about. Right? Because I just kind of avoid and avoid and avoid. Right. And I'm working. Now I'm in a job that they take my picture all the time and I'm on a camera right now. And I'm just going to stop living like that. My wife says she loves me. Fine. My kids like me most of the time. Fine.
Right? And I have a few close buddies that still make jokes about my skin from 30 years ago. They're my friends. They're my closest friends. And I had bad skin. It's both true. And I'm moving on with my life. And if you don't want to look at me in the eye, you don't want to see my face, and you don't want to... Fine. You get to choose that. You see what I'm saying? Like, I'm just going to let that be. Because here's the alternative. None of this worry, none of this diverting your eyes, none of this avoidance fixes my skin.
It just reinforces in my body that I'm less than and I'm not good enough and I'm just going to try to disappear. And I'm not going to live like that anymore, right? Yeah. I guess I don't know how to do that practically. I feel like I'm trying to tell myself that, but it doesn't work. No, it's the suckiest word I'm going to give you and I hate doing it. I hate telling you what I'm going to tell you, okay? I just know it's like roll your eyes, I totally get it and all that. But it's true. You're just going to have to practice it.
you're gonna have to practice being awkward and weird and holding people's eye contact you're gonna have to practice feeling uncomfortable and continuing to talk anyway and if somebody chooses to not be in your presence because you used to have acne or you're 24 and you still do then they're going to choose to miss out and they can choose to leave but i'm not going to pre-leave for them see what i'm saying yeah and because you know what it's like to be looked at i promise you
One of the reasons I'm good at my job sitting with hurting people is I know what it's like to be ashamed of what I look like. It's haunted me my whole life. And suddenly that became a superpower of sitting with hurting people. See what I'm saying? Yeah. So we're going to make good of this thing, but I'm going to practice holding eye contact. I'm going to practice holding my head up high. And there's also some choices you can make. I wonder if some of your angst is, I don't want to be the center of attention at my own wedding. Okay, then have a small one. Yeah. Right? I don't have to have 500 people there.
Right. And if you don't want to talk about the chiefs, roll your eyes and talk about the chiefs. And then people are going to go, oh, can you believe that? You're like, no, I like to think about like clean water. Right. Yeah. I like to think about starving people. And I promise you in Kansas City, Missouri, you're going to find a group of people that that's their focus. They're quiet, but they're there. I promise you.
But I think that your focus on other people talking about football is you looking in the world, scanning your environment for ways that you can opt out instead of finding groups of people that you can opt in with. Yeah. Don't use people's love of football as an excuse to like, yeah, and I'm going to opt out. And then you just become a rageful, bitter opt out. See what I'm saying? Yeah. What are you good at? What am I good at? I'm good at
Sports, ironically. That's not ironic. What else are you good at? I'm good at listening. Okay. What else are you good at? I'm good at troubleshooting. Okay. Solving problems? Yeah. What do you do for a living? I do product support. So you hide behind a telephone? Hiding behind emails, but even worse, yeah. Okay. As the dad of two young kids?
I'm going to challenge you with how dare you hide the talent of being a good listener and how dare you hide the talent of being a great problem solver by sitting behind a computer screen. I need your heart, your compassionate heart, and your international ability to talk to different people in different situations and different settings and your ability to listen, which is one of the most scarce skills in the world today. Don't hide those from my kids. The world's falling apart, dude. They need you.
Fair yeah, and that's a mean challenge. I know but you're here's the bottom line You're not gonna get you're not gonna think your way into confidence You're not gonna chant yourself or vision board yourself into confidence You're gonna have to begin to practice things and you're gonna have to get good at things if you become somebody who's good at looking other people in the eye and hearing them and seeing them and Then if they're uncomfortable they get to walk away if you become good at that you'll become more confident and
And you'll realize when they walk away, you don't die. You don't disappear. You're not less than. Your skills don't go away. Your wife still loves you. Cool. That's how you build confidence. People say like, I want to be more confident in the gym. Okay, well, just lift weights then. Become good at the gym, right? I want to be more confident at soccer. Well, get better at soccer. Put in the work. You just are going to have to become confident at showing up and greeting people and not trying to pre-hide from people. Does that make you feel uncomfortable even thinking about that?
Yeah, I guess I, I guess I've been trying to solve the problem with the, the looks side of it of like, I've been trying to lift weights more recently. I went to see a doctor for my skin finally. And, um,
I don't know, like I guess I keep telling myself like, well, there's probably some guys that have great skin and have big muscles that are still really insecure inside. And so I'm like, well, at the end of the day, like I don't know how much that solves the problem either of just trying to fix the situation.
the physical side of things. Here's where you're fixing. Yes, you're going to actually address acne scars. Cool. There's a lot of cool treatments for that out now. And anyone who's listening, that's a real thing. It's a real thing. And there's some cool treatments. Awesome. Lifting weights, yes, will make you feel more confident. It'll make you, it'll obviously make you stronger. It'll, it will, um,
change your posture, which changes your physiology, which changes your emotional regulation. All that stuff's true. But here's the bigger thing. I don't know if you ever heard me talk about this, but here's the sucky thing about anxiety. Angst. Social angst. Is when your body gets anxious about a thing, and for you it's looking at people, it's being present, it's being seen. And you avoid being seen. It actually reinforces that inside your body because it feels like it protected you from a threat, from a tiger.
And your tiger is being seen, being mocked, being made fun of, being pointed out that you are less than because you have acne or you have acne scars now in your 20s. The only way to heal your body, your nervous system from that fear is to head straight towards the tiger, right into it. And so what you're doing by lifting weights, by going to the doctor, by putting this problem out on the table, this thing that's haunted you and saying, I'm not running from it anymore. That is teaching your body that, oh, I can go through this.
So yes, there's muscles and there's a reduction in scars and things like that. But there's an inner strength. Yeah, come what may. Come what the marriage problem that I'm going to have, we're just going to put on the table. I'm going to deal with it. We have a baby. I'm going to put that on the table. We're going to deal with that. We have marriage issues after a baby. I'm going to put that on the table. I'm going to deal with that.
You see what I'm saying? That's where confidence begins. I can overcome anything. I don't even like who I see in the mirror, and I didn't run from that anymore. I headed straight into that. And cool. I made peace with myself. And you've probably heard this old adage. The crazy thing about worrying what people think about you is that they're too busy worrying about what you think about them. Nobody's thinking about us. Or they may look at you and go, man, that guy's got bad acne. And then they're on to the next thing, right?
And those that can't get it out of their head, dude, you know, they're not worth your time anyway. And so I, I, it's go straight towards your, your pain and go straight towards the discomfort and straight towards the, it's exposure. That's the, that's where healing is. It's on the other side of that. And it's living in that reality. Yeah. I got acne. I got bad scars. Yes. I'm embarrassed about the way I look and I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore about me, about my character, about who I am, about my looks. I'm going to head straight into it. And if you want to opt out, opt out.
I'm not pre-opting out for you. It's not my job to make sure you don't see something that looks less attractive today. It's not my job. And stop looking for ways to opt out of social situations in the world. Look for ways to opt in. And you're going to find that you don't die. People start to welcome you and they need you. You got a great skill set and you got a gift. That's where confidence comes from. It's awesome, man. I'm proud of you. Congratulations on getting married. Call anytime and I'll walk alongside you.
But I want you to practice feeling that discomfort and sticking with it. Stay in it with people. Lean towards that discomfort. Feel it. And if it gets too overwhelming, then call somebody. But I think you're pretty resilient. I think you're going to be pretty strong. And if it gets real heavy, you can ask your wife. I look good? Yep. You look great. Cool. Your vote matters. All these other people, they don't get a vote. It's awesome, my brother. I wish you the absolute best in your new marriage, man. Go Chiefs. Even if you're not rooting for them. Hey.
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All right, we're back for an Am I the Problem? Let it rip, Kelly. All right, so this is from Jo in Overland Park, Kansas. She writes, My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We've been talking about boundaries we feel that we need with family and friends concerning the baby. Am I a problem for wanting a no-picture boundary down? I noticed with my niece and nephew's videos and pictures are taken all day by family.
I want our baby to have present, attentive people in their lives as I did growing up, before phones on cameras was a thing. I would still allow post pictures to be taken, and if they ask in certain situations, I'll allow pictures to be taken of our baby, and I'd give everyone a memory book of our baby each year. I just don't want constant, unconsented pictures and videos taken.
also have concern of our baby being shared on social media. My husband and I don't do social media, and we'd like to keep our child away from it too until they're old enough to decide for themselves. I know this will be a hard boundary to enforce in this day and age, so I'm wondering if I'm the problem for wanting this. No, it's the same boundary I have in my house. I have the exact same boundary, and I have some amazing family members. You don't believe me? Or you don't like it? I have a little...
it's what we do in our house. And I've got some family members that will say, Hey, they'll actually text and say, um, is this picture? Okay. Um,
Are these two pictures okay to post? And I'll say no. Please don't post that one. I don't have any problem with that part at all. With the whole social media, that is up to you. Like right now, I don't ask my son if I can post a picture or I don't post a picture of my son because he's 18 unless he gives me his consent. There you go. The part that I'm wondering is she's saying in here no pictures, whether they're going to post them or not, no pictures.
You can't take pictures of my child unless they're posed pictures that I agree to. Well, here's the thing. I think she gets to do whatever she wants with her kid. She does get to do whatever she wants. It will cost her some relationship. Yeah. I mean, I don't have a problem at all with grandparents, aunts, uncles, or whatever taking pictures of my kids.
But you don't. I don't want to post it. She doesn't. Yeah. What I want parents to say is like, no, I get to own what happens to my kid. Right. But they also have to deal with whatever. That's right. And so there's going to be a mother-in-law, a brother, a somebody, a cousin who's just sitting there with a phone. And then you're going to have a choice to make. We're not going to be here. Or...
Please delete those photos. I asked you to take pictures. That situation will arise. I guess I want more parents to feel more empowered setting boundaries with their kids even if they feel weird about it, right? But also...
I don't know. It's kind of how we do it. I guess now that you mention it, like, yeah, people take pictures when they're out and stuff like that. Just everyone in our circle knows there's no posting, no sharing, no texting. Which that part's 100%. But you would, I don't know, I mean, would you tell your mom, no, you can't take a picture of kids? No, but I have said to family members, this is a no phone thing. We're just going to the zoo. It's not for y'all to take pictures. It's just for us to all be together. And that sounds like that may be the question beneath the question here is,
Like, I see all these families and all of it is just cameras everywhere about everything. Can we just all be together? And that may be the sub question. Right. And I think, yes, that's a good boundary to draw. But yeah, grandparents are going to want those pictures. And I get that. Yeah. Any parent come up with any boundary as far as I'm concerned, and that boundary is going to cost you. And I love the idea that she thinks she's going to make baby books at the end of every year for everybody. Yeah. No, you're not. No. Love you guys. Bye.