My Alcoholic Husband Refuses to Sober Up
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab? The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. The kids are starting to pick up on the tensions surrounding their dad's drinking, and I've gone to revenge him because I feel more like his mother than his wife. There's no easy path forward. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you have joined us.

Talking about your psychological and emotional health and your marriages and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. For over 20 years, I've been sitting with hurting people, figuring out what's the next right move. And I'm glad you're here. Show's about real people going through real hard stuff. And I'll sit with you and we'll try to figure out what's the next right move and kind of cut through some of the nonsense that's out there. And dude, we are surrounded by nonsense.

So I'm glad we all get to sit together here and figure out what are we going to do next. You want to be on the show? I'd love to have you give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and you can click the links in the show notes. All right, let's roll out to Chicago, Illinois. Talk to Aaron. What's up, Aaron? How we doing? Hey, John. Thank you so much for having me on. Of course. Thanks for calling.

Yeah, thank you. What's up? All right. So I have a question for you today. And my short question is, how do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab? Oh, man.

I guess my short answer is you don't. Tell me more about it. Yeah. Okay. So I have a lot to unpack here. So if you're okay with it, I'll have about a one minute summary for you. Yeah. Let it roll. Roll out. So I've been married for about 15 years and my husband's drinking problem has been a constant source of stress in our marriage. For years, we repeated the same toxic pattern. He drinks excessively, does

does something stupid, I confront him, he agrees to either stop or tone it down, but then he always gradually starts back up again. He even did a recent three-day detox followed by three months of sobriety, but he ultimately went back to drinking.

The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. I got CPS involved and it didn't really go anywhere because of lack of evidence, but I hoped it would be the wake-up call he needed. Still, the excessive drinking continues. After watching your show, I finally got up the courage to tell him last week that he needs to move out and get sober. The problem is he absolutely refuses to leave. He says it's his house too.

I have no right to force him out. He's willing to throw out the alcohol and attend AA and get a sponsor, but he's done this all before, and I'm worried that we're going to get stuck in this endless cycle. We're both very committed to staying married for the sake of our young children. However, I don't want to enable his behavior, and I'm so sick of trying to control him because they're starting to pick up on the tension surrounding the dad's drinking, and I've grown to resent him because I feel more like his mother than his wife. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Because I can hear you still love this guy. Oh, yeah. Very much so, yeah. And you also can't keep being married to somebody who's putting your kids' lives in danger, your life in danger, and on and on and on. Right. Exactly. I hate this for you.

And like when the kids were littler, I was able to shield them a lot better. But as they're getting older and more aware, it's harder to do. Can I tell you that you didn't shield them as much as you think you did? Uh-huh. I know you probably know that innately. We can unpack this. I want you to know at the outset, and I don't tell you this. I tell you this because I love you, and I think it's helpful.

Okay, I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't think it was helpful. Okay. You simply don't have an easy path forward. And so when you're looking at all of this, I love this guy. I'm interested in staying married to him. He's interested in staying married to him. I don't want to kick him out. He said he's not even leaving. All that, I get it. And you don't have an easy path moving forward. And so what you're going to choose from is multiple really hard decisions.

There's not an easy one somehow hidden in all of this mess. Okay. Sure. And for, it's kind of like when the football coach or your soccer coach, whatever, I don't know if you played sports, but when coach says, we're going to run a hundred wind sprints after practice, you just know we're about to all face hell together. Right. I would rather know there's a hundred wind sprints coming. It's going to be hard than when coach would occasionally say, you're going to run till I get tired watching you.

Right. I'd rather run a hundred when I know it's coming than 20 when I don't know what the number is. Right. So, yeah. And no, to be quite honest, I, I understand that it is hard. It's just that what I'm doing has already been hard and that's it. So doing nothing brutal, right. Leaving him, kicking him out, filing for divorce, brutal.

Watching, visiting your son in ICU because your husband drove drunk and ran into oncoming traffic, brutal. There's not an easy path here.

Okay. And so what I've been doing is I've been just trying to control all situations. Right. And so I, you know, started being the only, I'm like, okay, I'm only going to be the one driving the sport. You know, I'm going to be the one putting them to bed. But it all falls on me, you know? Right. And if you leave, it's all going to fall on you. Right. And if you stay, it's all going to fall on you.

But at least during the hours of like 7 a.m. to 6 p.m., he's good and he's really helpful. And I need that because I also work full time. And so hear me say, as we get going, there's no easy path forward. Okay. And it's just kind of dropping your shoulders and going, okay.

What's the right hard path? Or as I've written before, you got to choose your heart. What's the hard thing coming up? Okay. Yeah. Here's the big meta here. Alcohol is giving him something really important. Alcohol works. And it's futile for you and me to try to unpack what about his life? What about his body? What about his world that he inhabits that alcohol is such an important protector of?

Alcohol gives him some space between his life, him and his own skin, and reality. And so hear me say this, alcohol works. And so when you're asking him to put alcohol away so that you can fully be with him and he doesn't endanger people and you can have him

for whatever reason, he's unable to do that or unwilling at this time to do that. I don't say unable, unwilling to. Okay. So for you, I want to get us drinking aside and I want to get rehab aside for a second. Okay. Because those two things don't work.

Right. Without some pretty clear ultimatums. And even then, ultimatums are about you. Here's what I will no longer tolerate. And then he gets to choose whether he does X, Y, or Z. Let's get to the actual specific behavior. Okay. So drinking leads to things that are awful. Right. Walk me through a few behaviors that you will not tolerate in your home anymore. Okay.

Yeah. So, and I've said this to him, I'm like a broken record. I know, I know. And by the way, that's also part of this. His body innately knows. He knows I don't have to do anything.

Yeah, I know. And I know that I've, I've been watching you religiously for the last six months and there's so much, I know that you, I knew you would already say, um, but I, you know, I, I tell him, um, I can't have you drunk. Well, his idea of drunk is not being able to fall. Yeah. So let's take alcohol off the table. What are the things he swears? I will not have you slurring your words in front of the kids. You will not

be intoxicated and like, you will not hit me. You will not fall asleep on the couch watching TV while I'm doing like, what are the behaviors that have to change? Yeah. You will not fall asleep on the couch and leave a pizza burning in the oven. Okay. You will not drive with our children while drinking. Um, you will, um, not, um, um,

You will be sober when I am not home and you're in charge of the children. You won't pass out at random places. Keep going. You will put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and you will make them dinner rather than sitting out on the patio. Give me one more.

Something you've done a really good job avoiding him in you. And you've been dealing with this for 15 plus years. Tell me about y'all two. Yeah, I mean, like I said, I adore him during the hours of seven to six. That means you adore part of him or you adore a fantasy of him.

But it suddenly like, it's like a piece of glass goes over him and it's like, he's a different person. And I don't even, he might become more argumentative or, you know, start talking about something that's very paranoid or just, just ridiculous stuff. Like I just can't even take him seriously. And so I'll kind of just, um,

walk away from him because I just don't even want to engage. He's just, I always say he gets dopey. He's just kind of like the creepy guy at a bar. - Ah, okay. So what you've rattled off to me is you have to be present enough to not burn the house down. You have to be of sober mindedness enough to not commit a felony with our children in the car.

You have to be present with our children so they either don't die in a car wreck or they aren't off on their own in this home. You have to be present enough to get yourself to and from places without passing out randomly and having me or the police or somebody call you to come pick you up. You have to feed our children at regular intervals and get them enough sleep. You see what I'm saying? When you read it all out at one point, you wouldn't let any stranger on planet Earth within 100 feet of your kids.

Right. Right? Yeah. And so those are the behaviors. So when somebody says like, how do I get my husband to go to rehab? Somebody who's resistant to go to rehab. All right, I'm going to put that aside. Rehab is the place where he needs to go, period. This is 15 years. It's probably been going on longer than that. Fair? Oh, yeah. For sure. So two decades. This is how the chemistry by which his body operates. There's no way this gets changed without some significant intervention. Okay? Yeah.

And I know you know that intuitively, but just know that scientifically. It will be a long road for his physiology, his biochemistry to change. This is how he's operated forever. So here's what cannot happen again, or he is opting out of this home. And what I would tell you is if he wants to play the card of, is my house, then you, mom, have a hard choice to make.

Am I going to leave my kids in an unsafe environment? Yeah, well, I mean, he'll say to me, the only way I'm getting out of here is if you file for divorce. Exactly. But you get the loop, though? Yeah, he knows I wouldn't do that. No, it's not that. He's asking you to do that.

Yeah. He's begging you to end this marriage. Because what you're saying is you can't continue to put our kids' lives at risk. And he's like, well, the only way you're going to get me out of here is if you do this. You get what I'm saying? Behavior is a language. He's telling you, get these kids away from me. I'm not safe. Right. And I'm not telling you to file for divorce for your husband. I feel for the guy. I'm heartbroken for him. But he's making everybody's life dangerous. Right. Yeah.

And I hate this for y'all. Yeah. So your choices are continue to let him live in the house and just be who he's going to be. And you have to create a world where your kids are safe, which means you do all of the stuff. That's essentially what I've been doing. I know, but I'm just like, that's the road you have to choose. Or as he has said, I will not do a thing until I'm legally obligated.

then you can legally obligate him. And by the way, you did the right thing by calling CPS. And I hate that they let you down. Well, they didn't. They just, there was nothing they could do. And I kind of knew that because it wasn't, he wasn't intoxicated when they saw him. You know, it was just my word against his. And, well, you know. I got you. I more just wanted to wake him up. And what it did was it made him stronger. Yeah.

Yeah, and it just made him mad at me. I'm a traitor. Yeah, but even bigger, the law can't even touch me. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? It more emboldens the behavior. Sure. And so, yeah, it just pours gasoline on a fire. But I want you to hear me say it was still the right thing to do. Yeah, yeah. So the question before you is, we're going to continue on, and one day your kids will look at you and say, Mom, why didn't you protect us?

And if you take them away, they're going to look at you and say, mom, why did you take us away from our daddy? Okay. So there's not an easy path here. The second one is he's going to continue to make you unsafe, to make them unsafe. And then when you filed for divorce, his entire narrative will be mom left me for sitting on the back porch and enjoying my life in my house. So I'm telling you is there's no easy path. So let's do the next right thing, which is let's make sure everybody's safe.

And let's make sure you and your kids have all four walls. Let's give him a path towards wellness. Okay. So what does that look like? You tell me. I can't make that decision for you. I'm just some Yahoo YouTube podcast guy. Yeah. Talking about the drinking and talking about going to rehab haven't done anything. Right. What needs to be is very clear lines.

These behaviors are unacceptable. And when you do these things, you are opting out of our children's lives. Please, good God, don't opt out of our children's lives. Please don't opt out of this marriage. I don't want to opt out of this marriage. But when you threaten my life, you threaten the lives of our kids through your actions and behavior, your inactions or your intoxication. It's unwise. It's unsafe for me to remain here.

And by the way, a guy who puts his children at risk and then looks at his wife and says, this is my house too. You got to leave. You and the kids got to go. That tells me all I need to know about his character. Yeah. Well, there's always, it always comes down to what my fault is. I'm controlling. I've enabled him through all these years. He doesn't respond well to threats or being controlled.

And having spent most of my life, most of my career with people who struggle with some sort of addiction, this is just a playbook. Just a playbook. Yeah, and I recognize that. Does he have a group of friends? Probably not by this point, huh?

Yeah, he does a lot. Okay. Are they just drinking buddies or are they actual good friends? Some are, but most of them, you know, he's very concerned about what people will think if he stops drinking. That's a big part of his social life. Okay. But what I think he doesn't realize is that everyone that actually really loves and cares about him realizes what a problem he has. Okay. So it may be a great time now to...

Call a professional in your area who can help with an intervention and get six or seven or eight friends to circle up and come into the house. You may have seen that on that show. Yeah. But it may be, it's good to have somebody who knows what they're doing there so it doesn't become an accusation machine, right? Those can be done really poorly, but somebody who's trained that can walk you all through it real quick and then go do it, that might be the moment. And those often don't go well.

But they can hit a domino, a new domino in a new direction that begins a whole life change. But I guess, hear me say this. There's no easy path forward and nothing will change if nothing changes. And so this feeling of I don't know what to do next, I totally get that.

Now that I'm sitting here thinking, I like the idea. He's a rare one that he's been drinking for this long with this level of, with this lack of integrity and still has close friends who recognize his drinking problem also. And so, man, I'd reach out so we could circle up six or seven folks and meet in his living room and say, today's the day. And there's no easy path forward. I'm so sorry, Aaron. I hate this for you.

My dream is he goes and gets the help that he needs and the lights come back on. That's my hope, that's my hope, that's my hope. And my other hope is that your marriage can be saved and you and the kids are safe and y'all can rebuild something amazing. I believe in that, I really do. Anytime somebody comes to a marriage counselor, anytime somebody comes to a marriage coach, anytime somebody sits down and somebody's struggling with addiction,

especially a chemical dependency. There's no helping the marriage, there's no helping the parenting until the chemical dependency is taken care of. So all of the healing in the house starts with sobriety. And then we go from there. Thanks for the call, Aaron. Call anytime. I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. You're not gonna believe this. I saw a headline the other day that made me want to set my hair on fire. One third of the United States population's background information is now public.

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All right, let's go out to Reno, Nevada and talk to Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Hi, John. How are you? Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. Good, good. What's happening? So my question is, do I still need to host Thanksgiving or Christmas and or Christmas despite the lack of effort from my in-laws?

Hmm. Tell me more. I'm kind of confused by the question. Tell me more. Um, so there's like a lot of pressure from our in-laws to host because of our house and our space. You have a big, nice house? I mean, I think so. Okay. I'm happy where we live. All right. And so do your in-laws have a small place? No, they have a nice house too. Why do they like it when you guys host?

I don't even think, I don't know. Last year, my mother-in-law was like, all the girls in the family got together and we decided we're going to have Thanksgiving at your house. And I was working that day. I'm a nurse. We have three little girls and my husband had to like tell his mom no. And it was hard, but I'm just nervous for this year because I just feel like there's an expectation for us to host.

Have you and your husband ever sent an email around that says, or had in person that says, we're going to host on a rotation now? No, we definitely have not done that, but we would like to. Okay. Here's the devil's advocate. I'll be the devil's advocate here. What does hosting entail? Are you keeping score or like we've done it and then now y'all need to do it?

Or is it if they host in your house or if they host in your house, you still have to do all the work and you have to clean everything up? I think for me, so we have three little girls. Okay. And his family likes to drink heavily. Okay. Now we're getting to it. Which is fine. I'm like not their beer police, but I just don't want my kids around that. Now we're getting to it. That's a totally different conversation.

Because if they want you to host and you can't afford it because they expect you to get all the food, all the meat, and all the alcohol or whatever, that's one thing. If they expect you to host and you, because of your job, you work all day, your husband works all day, and it's just not feasible, that's another thing. If they want you to host because you have a nice place and they're embarrassed of their place and you're keeping score, I would say get over it. Just host. It's the holidays. This is a whole other thing. This is I don't want my kids around them.

And hosting is now this proxy war. Yeah. I don't want to say like, I don't want them around them, but just, I think there has to be like limits. And then my kids, our kids are the only kids in the family right now. And I just, and I've said it before, like, I don't want a bunch of drunk adults around kids. Who have you said that to? My husband and my father-in-law. What does your husband say?

He agrees. Okay. What's your father-in-law say? He agrees, but I don't know how to explain it. One time he drank 12 beers and I was like, hey, you got to drive home. Because I think when your kids see it, they're going to do it too in the future. Behaviors, your kids are watching. They're watching us. Yeah.

There's a whole host of issues of having a house full of drunk adults around young kids. Your gut is right. Exactly. If you host at your house, can you make a no alcohol rule? I mean, I could try. I just don't think... I don't know what you'd try at your house. I just don't think that would go over well. We're past going over well. We're done with that. It's not going to go well if you host. It's not going to go well if you don't host. That ship has sailed.

What we're looking for now is what is reality and what's the world that you want to inhabit? Because the world you want to inhabit is not going to make them happy with you. So let's let that fantasy go. That's the reality. I think that's what sucks. Okay, so let's grieve that. It's the worst. And then let's make a plan oriented around what is safe for your kids, what do you want for your household, and what do you and your husband want as potential hosts?

And how would we do that? Because I think you're caught in, how do I satisfy these people? I don't want these people mad at me. I'm a new part of their family. I have this other fantasy about these awesome grandparents and aunts and uncles around my kids. You may not have that Kayla. Yeah, I think you're right. Can I just sit with you? That's heartbreaking. Yeah. Cause grandparents are supposed to like delight in their grandkids and spoil and rotten and be obnoxious and silly and not drunk in a perfect world.

in-laws show up and they relieve the burden, they don't bring burden with them, whether it's their judgments or their, oh my gosh, I don't like this, or I wouldn't have made this, or let's have 12 beers and then drive home in front of, I mean, you see what I'm saying? It shouldn't be that way, and I hate that it is. So how do I move forward, though? Just like no alcohol? Like how do you... It's like the last caller. You don't have an easy path forward, so I think exercise

exhaling into that is good, right? So I think it's easy to get trapped thinking, okay, what's the way to navigate this that nobody gets mad and nobody gets hurt and we all still land? That won't happen here. And so there should be like a relief almost like, ah, okay, if I just keep doing nothing, I'm going to resent my family, my in-laws, I'm going to hate them. And I'm going to not look forward to the holiday season anymore.

Already. Yeah, that's where I'm at. We've been married for 10 years now. And then like, I am not excited about the holidays. Okay. Let's stop doing that. Yeah. That's why I wanted to call you. All right. So let's stick a flag in that. And I know the ground in Reno's harsh, it's just Rocky, but let's just jam a flag in the ground from this point forward. Me as for me and my house, we're going to enjoy the holidays. And what does that mean? Reverse engineer that. What is enjoyment? Cause you know what? Your kids feel the tension in starting in September, right?

They feel the angst. And I don't want to raise my kids in a house where the fall, finally the million degree heat in Reno finally breaks. I don't want my kids thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas as tense, like, and gropey kind of drunk granddad. I don't want that. All my kids to remember how relaxed and chill mom and dad were. So what must be true for that? You tell me.

I guess just like setting boundaries. No, no, no, no, no. That's too, that's like out of a counseling book or like a Cosmo like article. Like be specific in your situation. Do you like having a house full of sober people laughing and having fun? Yes. Okay, awesome. Listen to your voice right there. That's it. Okay, done. We're going to have people over. Number two, it's cool to have alcohol when people are responsible and not morons. For a decade, those adults have proven their morons are on alcohol. So,

Cool. We're not going to drink. And then they get to opt out or there's a one drink limit. You can have drink tickets and they got to come through you for, I don't know how you do it, but I mean, um, but the thing is, is you have to live in the tension of, I'm going to make these rules for this party. So in my house, here's a good example. Um, we send out an email like here's when we're traveling his, here's when we would love to see you. We hope you'll make it. Here are the following items we will not be talking about.

This particular year, especially, we will not talk about politics, period. Causes too much fights in my family. Yeah, I hear you. Too many smart people and too many overly opinionated people. I am the quiet one at our Thanksgiving table, believe it or not. My house is B-A-N-A-S, okay?

Everyone in the booth is like, no way. I promise y'all I'm the quiet one. And so all I have to say is we just ended up, we're not talking about this. Anyone brings up COVID, anyone brings up whatever over the last few years, anyone brings up politics, anyone we, in our house, at least everybody's like, Oh no, no, no, no. You can't talk about that. Cause Deloney, cause John said, and everybody's cool with it. We move on. And so it's just about saying, Hey, we're going to be a part of this. This is the world we want to create. We want you to be a part of this thing. And then they, as adults get to opt in or out.

And you get to be sad. You get to be sad. If they opt out because it's either we go to Thanksgiving and get drunk or we don't want to be in your house. Well, gosh, that sucks if they choose that over you. They choose that over their grandkids. How heartbreaking is that?

Yeah, but I think even if they don't come, like, we're still going to have a good Thanksgiving. That's right. And my wife is obsessed with giant Easters. She loves them. Growing up, her family went to, that was like their big, everybody came. We moved halfway across the country. We don't have any family around here. And so now we've started a Misfits Easter. Dude, we have randos show up to our house, and it is the best.

It's the best. We have a, we open the guest room. If you just want to go there and take a nap because you don't know anybody and it's weird, go to bed. And here's this over here. Here's that over there. I want someone to bring like a haircut table and bring a tattoo gun next year. Like whatever. We have a wild Easter, but we just curated it that way because this is what we're looking for. Want everybody to show up and meet new people and be energized by random people and have a great day and be celebratory and enjoy each other. And y'all get to decide that.

And every year, Kayla, it makes me sad when certain people don't show up. It does. It bums me out. But I try to focus on all the people who did. Yeah. You know? But I bet your kids are happy. Dude, they're running around like maniacs, but they get their energy from us. Yeah. And we're excited to have people over. And we're excited to have a house full of random people that don't care that we didn't, you know, have our house professionally detailed. That we're just Delonis, man. They're just kind of nuts.

Oh, that's really cool. But I want you, I'm just, all I'm doing is just trying to paint you a picture of how this thing can be. And you've got 10 years worth of family data showing you what you want to be true will not be true. So you got to do something different. And I'm, uh, and I'll say this before I let you go. I'm increasingly exhausted by people just cutting off family. Like you're out of my life. I think it's always fair to give people a map. Here's where we can connect.

And by the way, if, I don't know, if someone at my table, if I sent out an email and said, we're not talking about politics. I said, hey, I really need to get your opinion on this political matter. I would entertain that. But they would be saying, hey, we're not just going to use politics and division as a sport. I really want to get people's insights onto this because I don't understand this particular economic policy. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it.

So we're going to put on the table, we're going to talk about it. And once y'all start talking about governments, hiding Bigfoot truths and you know what, I'm out. I'm done with all that, but let's actually have a conversation. That would be awesome. And so it's not like it's my way or the highway, but it's, this must be true here. And I think you get to decide what that is. And none of it's easy. I think that's the big exhale. None of this is easy.

And it would be awesome if it lived up to the fantasy, to the story you made up in your head about your grandparents and your aunts and uncles, or your kids' aunts and uncles and your kids. It's just not reality. So let's start operating out of reality. And that doesn't mean we don't get to have a house full of fun, wild, good, crazy fun. You just can't get wasted in front of my kids. I'm just not cool with that. I hope that helps, Kayla. Thank you so much for the call. I hope this year's Thanksgiving and Christmas are times of joy and mayhem and celebration.

and not yet another year of angst and fear and worry. That comes from you setting some pretty clear boundaries and living into them. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Oh, great. This is an election year. Everyone's going to be mad and yelling at everyone, and no one's trying to solve anything, but everybody's in. Listen.

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And yes, thankfully, Hallow is going to have some special prayers and meditations to help us all get through the election season. Thank God. So look for that. I use Hallow every single day and I want you to try it out. Download the Hallow app and head over to Hallow.com to get three months for free. That's three free months at Hallow.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to K Knoxville. Let's go out to Knoxville, Tennessee.

Talk to Gail. Hey, Gail, what's up? Doing good. How are you? I'm doing okay. Tell me what's going on. Okay, I am currently going through a divorce, and he's all I've known since I was 14 years old. I'm currently 42. Oh, my goodness. Yes. This is the better part of your life.

Most, yeah. Like I said, it's all I've known. And he comes in and he says he's unhappy, has been, and wants a divorce. And now I'm like, how do I find myself again and know my worth after 24 years that we've been married and being belittled and intimidated? I have disability issues that's caused a lot of problems. I didn't ask for it. It was

Accidents at work. And I'm not able to do the things I used to do physically, sexually, everything. And now it's just, I don't feel like I'm worth anything. How much of that? Well, number one, I just hate this for you. I'm sorry. Can I tell you I'm sorry about two things? I'm sorry that you're a ride or die for this many years, just waltzed in here and said, I'm out after this long. And my guess is,

Your home hasn't been a place for you in decades, has it? No. No. Just walking on eggshells. That's right. And I have a rule. I don't ever get into diagnostics and stuff on this show, but I want to tell you there's increasingly more and more and more literature coming out, more and more conversations in the mental health space, in the medical space about how over time,

a body in unsafe, unhealed environments. It's called psychosomatic. It comes out in back pain and knee pain and wrist pain and shoulder pain and sexual dysfunction. It comes out in all these things that give somebody further ammo to say, look at you, you're broken. But it's really the body just trying to stay safe in a very unsafe place. And that is another thing too. He never wants to touch me.

hold my hand, kiss me just because he wanted to unless he wanted sexual things or anything. I'm sorry. And I'm like, that makes me feel used. Well, it has, and it's been that way since you were a teenager, right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going to tell you something crazy, okay? Mm-hmm. Well, this isn't crazy. You've got worth, and you've got value, okay? There's just a period at the end of that sentence. But it's kind of like confidence, right?

It's hard to be confident about something without actually seeing it in front of me, without experiencing it. And so worth is this thing that's innate, but when someone's been stomping on it for most of your life and not only stomping on it, but then blaming you for how you feel or stomping on it and blaming you that they stomped on you, they had to or they did because of you.

It's hard to experience that worth. It's hard to trust that you've got value, right? And so I tell you all that to tell you. My gut tells me that if somebody is so low, somebody is so small, they'd walk in and tell their wife of this many years, I'm quitting on you. No explanation, no reason, just bye. Not happy. See ya. That the thing you should focus on is survival.

And as you begin to gain strength and confidence because nobody's stomping on you anymore, you're going to find yourself standing a centimeter taller than another centimeter taller and a little bit taller. And then you're going to find the clouds start to lift. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Like all you've ever, the only water you've ever drank has had a little bit of poison in it. And so when you go drink clean water, it's going to taste different. It's going to kind of jar you for a minute.

And then a year from now, a year from now, he's going to pop off and say something, and you're going to realize, I ain't drinking that water anymore. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. I just don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I know. I want to find someone who actually loves me for me. I know. Disabilities and all. I promise you that person's out there. But it's going to be a reflection. You're going to have to learn to love you, disabilities and all, too.

I'll even go as far to say you're going to have to learn to love yourself, disability and all first from the inside out. And you don't love yourself. It's nice to be this way. I know. What disabilities are you talking about? Give me an example of a few. What are the things that make you think you're unlovable? Well, it started with when I was 24. I was a home health nurse and I had a patient fall and almost break my back and I've had

three, four major surgeries, now it's fused. And when I messed my back up, it started messing with my knees, so I've had two knee replacements and getting ready to fix the last one. And I just can't bend, I can't stoop, I can't sexual position. I'm limited. My body makes a choice for me whether I'm able to do something every day or not. Okay.

So we've got some limited physiology, right? Yes. Is that all you are? Seems to be. No, I don't care what seems to be. I'm asking you. As a registered nurse, someone who has learned how to love and honor and take care of people in their own homes over the years, are you reduced to a series of positions you can or cannot get into? You tell me. No. That's right.

And to hell with whoever has made you believe that you are reduced to that. Because when it comes to sexuality, there's all kinds of creative mayhem y'all can get into. And when it comes to movement and when it comes to mobility, when it comes to all kinds of things, all kinds of things that y'all can get into, that you can get into. But in your world, it's not even worth getting up.

Because he's made it clear that you don't have that value anymore, right? Yeah. I want you to start imagining and gently creating a life worth getting out of the chair for. Because then it's worth it to go to physical therapy. And then it's worth it to go get counseling. And then it's worth it to meet somebody for coffee. And the first thing out of your mouth isn't what you can't or what you aren't. But look who I am. Do you get it?

For so long, you've been told you're the worst thing that ever happened to you, that you're the least of you. And I just reject it. But I also get that that's the air you've been breathing, and it's hard to see it right now because it's in smoke and fog. When is your divorce final? See, that's the thing. He was so anxious for me to get out of his life. He was done. He moved out. And since he filed, I've still yet to receive anything. He didn't file. He's got somebody on the side, doesn't he?

Not that I know of, but who's to say? What's this panic to get out? Exactly. If he's filed, you would have had somebody serve you already. Exactly. He's no more filed on you. No, I've asked and he's like, I'm not sure. Yeah. I'll have to call. Whatever. Get the name of the attorney and say, go ahead, you'll call and ask where your papers are. Call is bluff because that's just yet another control tactic. He's dragging you around by your heart. I don't like it.

Me either. I know. I know. You're like, I don't care about you. It's me. I know. I totally get it. I totally get it. You have kids? I mean, I've accepted it. It's done. I'm just wanting it to be done. Yes. How old? They're adults. The oldest is 22. The youngest is 20. So they still live at home? They still living with this crap their whole life? Yeah. Yeah. My daughter has severe anxiety because of it.

And he sees stuff like that. If he doesn't have things, nobody else should. If he can tolerate things, everybody else should be able to. What he says is the gospel. He's a child. You know who has that exact same mindset? My eight-year-old. If she can't have something with peanuts in it because she has an allergy, then my son can't have something. It's an eight-year-old. It's developmentally appropriate, but not for a 42-year-old. But here's the thing, Gail. You've known this forever. And he said he's divorcing you. Let's see the papers. Pony up, big boy.

And I want you to worry less about how do I instantly backfill 30 years of being told I don't have value. I don't want you to worry about 30 years or 20 years or 15 years or five years of I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. What I want you to look forward to is, all right, all I've ever known is this guy that has treated me this way.

I'm going to begin to practice living a life where I've got value and meaning beyond some sexual positions I can or can't get into and not being able to play tennis because I have my back fused together and I have two knee replacements.

And so you're going to have to decide, is that playing cards? Is that getting together with a group of girlfriends twice a week? Is that you and your daughter's going out to do stuff? Your daughter with extreme anxiety. If you look at her and say, you know what? We're going to go figure this thing out. We're going to write down the 10 things you're anxious about. And you and me just ride or die. We're going to head right into each one of them gently and slowly. You in? Oh, mama, I can't do that. I believe in you. And I believe I can too. You get what I'm saying? Yeah.

What I can tell you is you're not going to think your way through this. It's going to have to be something you live and experience. And you're not going to be able to do it by yourself. And so I'm going to ask you to get a group of a few girlfriends that will do this with you. And right now the limbo is drowning you. So I want you to call again and ask for the papers. And by the way, if he's left, he's not welcome back in the house. He left. He moved out. And if he's still on the deed, then you need to start working through how we're going to sell this house and split this thing up.

He's trying to be all tough and big boy and i'm doing this and you don't have any value blah blah blah blah Then cool game on I gotta go live my life And i'm tired of treading water and every time I try to pull myself up You just there's your boot right there push me back under am I doing that anymore? And if he's I don't know where those papers are then what's the name of your attorney? I'm gonna call your attorney i'm gonna call right now because I gotta get this thing We gotta get going Every day of my life every minute of my life ticking away and am I doing this anymore? I'm not gonna live a reckless fun exciting adventurous life. I'm done living a reduced life

I hate this for you, Gail. I hate you've been having to live like this for so long. And part of me is so excited for Gail part two. Here's what happens when Gail's fully unleashed. And no, you're not going to be able to go frolicking through a field. And probably with your back and your knees, you're not going to be able to hike the Grand Canyon.

You're right. You didn't ask for this and here it is. But you could still have somebody who will ride or die and love you to the end of time. You still have somebody that will laugh and play and be goofy. You can still go on trips. Is it going to be more inconvenient? Yes. When they say, is anybody in a wheelchair getting off this plane? You're gonna have to raise your hand and say, yes, I do. Great. Then we're going on to the next. We're going on to the next.

And I'm telling you what, my buddy who's a paraplegic with my oldest friends on planet Earth, when me and him and his brother and one of our other closest ride-or-die friends and all four of us went to an old 80s metal concert reunion, we sang our lungs out. You can still go make it happen. You just have to decide, and the people around you have to decide, you're not the worst, least thing. You're Gail from Knoxville, Tennessee, worthy of a life of adventure and fun, and whatever we're anxious about, we're going right through the middle of it because we can't.

Thank you so much for the call, sister. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. Actually, I'm going to send you two copies, one for you and one for your daughter. I want you to live that book, and I want you all to head right through it. Thank you for the call. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks, and if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Fight Club-era Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body and same body 5%, whatever. But listen, it's costume season, and let's be honest.

A lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We even do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you are stuck hiding your true self, if you don't feel like you can live or know how to live an authentic life, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept every part of yourself and you can learn how to deal with reality, learn how to be honest with yourself and learn how to take off the mask and the costume so you can live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, try calling my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, can I interrupt whatever thing you have thinged here? Because a thing just happened in the hallway and it's important. A lot of things happening. I know. My wife always says, John, you just are speaking not in actual...

No, you speak in ideas. That's exactly right. Yeah. But sure, you know, your name's back there, so go for it. Oh, that's never been a thing. Never been a thing. I'm trying to be nice for the people. Oh, thanks. It's all a ruse, everybody. Hey, listen, I always want to just, if I have a moment, I don't always want to, but occasionally I want to. When I have a moment when somebody stops me and says, hey, thank you for pointing me towards a particular thing.

Um, earlier today, one of my, I'll just, I'll speak in generalities. One of the people I work with very, very closely, nobody direct, um, reached out and they told me, Hey, I had my first therapy appointment with better help. And I was like, yeah, tell me about it. And they said, it was incredible. I said, really tell me about it. Not from a surprise, but like, man, somebody came and found me and said, thank you for pointing me to this.

They said they called a better help therapist and the therapist said, all right, tell me why you're calling. Tell us, let's go through it. And they said, well, I'm just going to start my pitch because you're like the whatever therapist I've talked to. And the therapist heard the story and then said, hey, I want you to do, here's some homework assignments. And what was awesome is they were the exact homework assignments I would have given somebody who told me those same things. And as we started talking through it, I said, was your findings this and this? And they're like, oh my goodness. Anyway,

When somebody stops me, somebody writes me, somebody calls in and says, hey, I just need you to know. I've reached out to my local community trying to get a hold of a therapist. And there's 15 therapists here that are all worthy of being called. And their wait list is seven months each or four months each. They don't take my insurance. So they're only due cash or whatever. And so I finally just went back to your show and I got the code and I called BetterHelp. And my goodness, thank you for that.

I'm always like, don't thank me. Thank BetterHelp for setting up this whole thing where you can do counseling in your car. You can do therapy in your car. You can do therapy at your desk. You can do therapy from your bathroom on your laptop. Don't do it in. You know what I mean? Y'all know what I mean. You know what I mean? Don't be weird. But if you're on the fence as we're entering into the holiday season, and for many people, it's like holidays, holidays, pumpkin spice, blah, blah, blah, blah.

For millions and millions of people heading into the holiday season is not a great time. It's not an exciting time It's a I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to feel about this. This is my first holiday without dad This is my first holiday without my spouse This is my first holiday as an empty nester My kids aren't coming home because they want to go visit their boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever Whatever it is if it's time to reach out and call better help get therapists make the call make the call

And I know this sounds like a spiel, just make the call. And it's just a good reminder from somebody on the team who stopped me and just said, hey, I finally, finally just did it. And session one was awesome. That's just my encouragement. You're worth it. You're worth being well. You're worth calling somebody and you're worth not heading into yet another holiday season dreading it. There's too much else to dread in the world right now. If you need to make the call, make the call.

Thank you so much for joining us today on the show. This is some hard calls about how do you get someone to go to rehab? You can't. How do you find self-worth when for 30 years someone's told you don't have any? How do you deal with in-laws that come over and get hit? You don't. And I hope through all these calls you heard one thread, and that is this. You have the power to change your life. You're worth it. Thank you so much. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.