I’ve Been a Horrible Husband for 20 Years
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Every time I think I'm doing good, I lie, cheat, get caught, lie, cheat, get caught, rinse, wash, repeat. She's tired of it. I'm tired of it. I can hear it in your voice. You don't want this life. What is it about the chaos that brings you peace? It's comfortable. Yeah, why? Why?

Hey-o, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Good morning, good afternoon, good night. I hope you are doing well, and I hope you and your family are safe. Hope you and your family are finding peace here in the springtime, and y'all are making plans for the summer and for even as far as next fall. This show is about sitting with hurting people, relationships of all kinds, work, parenting, marriage, dating, whatever you got going on in your life.

My promise is I'll sit with you and help you figure out the next right move. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota, home of the great Kirby Puckett, and talk to Chad. Hey, Chad, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? Rocking on, dude. What's up with you, man?

I'm just living a dream. You sound like it. Sold. What's up, man? I'm just trying to figure out how I can stop self-sabotage and stop shooting myself in the foot, so to speak. Tell me about it. Well, I have yet to have a relationship that succeeds over nine months, but yet I've been married 20 years.

Okay. Every time I think I'm doing good, I lie, cheat, get caught, lie, cheat, get caught, rinse, wash, repeat. And she's tired of it and I'm tired of it. I mean, she's not real tired of it. She stuck around for 20 years of that. Yeah. Why is she stuck by you for 20 years after you treated her like that? I honestly don't have a clue. Why do you treat yourself like that?

I can hear it in your voice. You don't want this life. Nope. What is it about the chaos that brings you peace? It's comfortable. Yeah, why? Because it's not. It's the illusion of comfort. It's what your body knows, right? Yeah. And when you get peaceful, when things are good, you start getting real itchy. Why? Because I don't believe I'm worth a damn. Yeah, I told you that. Where's that story come from? I don't know.

I don't think anybody ever told me that. It's just what I believed from, if not day one early. No, kids come into the world full of awe and wonder. Somebody takes that from them. They dim that light for a kid. That's one thing mom always said. I've never had the self-confidence I should have. So your mom even found a way to criticize your lack of self-confidence. That's a good way to pick a kid up.

Awesome. Well, you and I could sit down and have a few drinks and have some nachos and just dig into the past. The more pressing issue is why you keep hurting yourself and why you keep hurting this person that you love and you've been married to for two decades. And not to mention all the people you hurt along the way trying to convince that you have a relationship. I think you do think you're worth a damn. Otherwise, you wouldn't be out running around, right? Yeah. Looking for somebody who...

Wants me. Is your wife not? Not the way I want to be wanted. What does that mean? Be specific. That's the problem. I don't even know. Exactly. So to peg all of this on her is bullcrap. It's not fair. I agree with that. She may be part of the problem. In fact, I would be willing to suggest that there's, in any relationship dysfunction, there's two sides to that coin. You don't even know.

My guess is you're a walking zombie and you get a text message or an email or whatever it is. What do you do for a living? Truck driver. Yeah, you meet somebody out and your heart starts beating a little bit faster again finally. And you feel like you're coming alive again. Yeah, I love the idea of love. I just don't, not good at the hard part behind it. That's not true. It's not a matter of not being good at it. You've just never tried or you quit.

It's not like an innate skill. It's not like, hey, man, that guy's just 6'4". It's you've never... Why do you hate yourself, man? I don't know. I really don't know. I've just, I've never... Because here's the thing. You don't like you. I don't think you have for a long time. And you need to make sure that everybody else gets that story too. I am real good at pushing people away. What does that get you? Not hurt. If I leave first, it doesn't hurt as much. Yeah, and where's that got you?

That's like somebody telling you, hey, I like to deflate the front left tire because it helps the truck drive straighter. And you're watching, you and your buddies are watching somebody just veer off into the ditch time after time. And they're like, no, dude, it's like I love deflating the front left tire. It just helps it drive straighter. And at some point, one of y'all is going to go, how's that working for you? Yeah. Until you decide that you matter, that you're worth having peace in your life.

That you're worth sitting down and writing or you drive, so sitting down and talking into your phone app and just recording some thoughts and start to ask yourself, what do I actually want? What do I actually need? How's that for a scary answer for someone who doesn't like themself? Until you think that you have value and worth and until you tell yourself a different story about yourself, you'll continue to live out the story that you're the worst. You make it happen. You make it come true. It's not this thing that keeps happening to you. It's the thing that you keep doing.

And it starts with, number one, stop cheating on your wife. But number two, bro, you got to change the story about yourself. Will you do that? I would if I knew how. I don't buy that. Tell me more about that. What do you mean? Here's what I think. I think you're a real smart guy. And I think you're actually pretty social. And then I think you play dumb when it comes to love and relationships and accountability. Because something about it inside of you scares you to death. And I don't know what it is.

But it's not rejection because you get rejected all the time. And it's not chaos in your home because every time your wife catches you cheating, it causes a hurricane inside your own house. Yeah. What are you scared of, man? Why are you trying to push her away so hard? I wonder if you try to push her away so hard for so long and she won't go that you've actually lost respect in her. And now you've got this weird dance of comfort and stability. And also you resent the person in front of you because you've tried to push her away and she won't be pushed yet.

I'm just guessing. I'm just throwing stuff at the wall. A little bit, yeah. Do you like your wife? I think so. What does that mean, man? You're not giving me much to work with, Chad. That's the problem. I'm great at helping other people, but bad at helping myself. Okay, I want you to start speaking about Chad and the third person. Chad came and sat by you in a diner on the road. What would you tell Chad? You'd say, hey, Chad, and then what would you say? I do not know. Okay.

At the end of the day, brother, you have to decide that you're worth not hurting all the time. And if nobody's ever told you that, I'm sorry. I'm telling you for the first time, you're worth that. And that wife of yours who's probably calloused and mean at this point and is tired of you and over you because you keep breaking her heart and breaking her heart, she deserves that too. Whether that's with you or not. If you don't want to be married to her, you have cheated on her and violated your covenant enough. Let that woman go.

I tried, but she wouldn't go. Nope. That's not how that works. Y'all are each trying to make each other the bad guy. You have to take some sort of ownership. I'm giving you permission to take ownership of your life. And that starts with today, picking up a piece of paper and a pen and writing down, I am worth a life where I am not always disconnected. I'm worth relationships. The good parts and the bad parts and the scary parts and the parts that I don't know what to do with. Do you have a bad temper?

No. Are you a disappearing act? Yes. Okay. So today, starting today, you're going to write down a piece of paper. I commit to standing in the middle of the mess. I won't run because the mess isn't going to kill you. That hurt or fear or whatever you feel like, I got to get out of here. I'm going, I'm leaving. Fine, I'm getting out of here. That's what children do. You're going to stand. I want you to feel it and face it because what you're going to find on the other side of facing it for the first time is you're

I'm stronger than I thought I was. And even though the feelings you will feel are hurt, you'll realize, oh, I'm not dead inside. I can still feel. And if you can feel pain, you can feel joy. If you can feel hurt, you can feel love. And then I want you to sit down and actually write down, here's what I want and here's what I need. And then I want you to have the courage to sit down with your wife across from her and your favorite restaurant or her favorite restaurant actually and say, I've been the worst husband imaginable and I want this to be different, but I can't do it by myself. Will you do it with me?

Would you do those things I just outlined for you? I don't know. Okay. That's the best I can help you, man. I mean, at the end of the day, you've done all this stuff. You cheat, you lie, you get caught, you cheat, you lie, you get caught. We haven't even talked about your finances. We haven't talked about any of that part. All of this starts with you deciding to make a choice. Like, what am I going to do now? I'm going to stop doing that and I'm going to start trying these little things.

And I can't recommend enough for you to see a counselor. If you hang on the line, I'll hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. They do therapy online with a licensed therapist. You could talk to somebody online. But I want you to begin to take the words, I don't know, take it out of your vocabulary. It doesn't get you anywhere. I don't know. I don't know. You do know. I think you're a really smart, astute guy.

I think, I don't know, it's just your easy way to disappear out the back door of every hard relationship challenge there is. And I want you to stay put. You do matter. You are worth more than this. And so is your wife. So are all those people you've cheated with along the way. And the greatest gift you can give everybody involved is for you to go get whole and get well and decide, I'm worth more than this. Make that call to my friends at BetterHelp, Chad.

Look my friend Chad in the mirror and say, today it stops. Today's a new day. Today the sun comes up. For the first time in my life, I'm going to believe in Chad. Start there, brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right, we're back. Hey, before I take this next call, I want to comment on that last call. It's kind of stuck with me and it's kind of all over me. And if you're just catching this call in one of the algorithms, go back and check it out. It's my conversation with Chad. That conversation happens all over the country over and over and over and over again.

husbands sitting down with their wives, wives sitting down with their husbands, bosses talking to employees, moms talking to kids, dads talking to kids, whatever. That phrase, I don't know, man. I just don't know. It just is the way it is. I can't tell you in my bones how much I reject the statement, it is what it is. Other than God and other than nature. Nature is what it is and nature always wins. God too. But other than that,

You and I make choices every single day. And that's all we got. And so if you ever find yourself saying, oh, it just is what it is. Oh, by the way, the third one is political candidates. I haven't met one person who's like super jazzed either side. Like, yeah, all right. Like everyone's like, I don't know. It's just going to happen. When people start taking responsibility for that person they see in the mirror and say, I love you. You matter. You're worth more than this. Let's go make this happen. I don't know where to start. Now we're on to it.

But if you find yourself saying the words, I don't know, man, or this is what it is, that's a sign. It's time to do something proactive and do something different. You're worth more than that. All right, let's go out to Tampa and talk to my buddy Willow. Hey, Willow, what's up?

Hi. Oh, hi, Dr. John. What's up? How's it going? Okay. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. How can I help? Okay. So I'm really nervous. Um, that's all good. All right. So I have had, um,

this overwhelming feeling of loneliness for as long as I can remember. I'm 36 years old now. I don't have any friends. I don't have close family, and I'm not in a romantic relationship right now. I have a bad habit of

convincing myself or if someone wants to be my friend or whatever, um, of telling myself that, that, um, I'm, I'm, I'm not worth it, that I'm not, that I'm lying to them, that, that I'm not what they think they are. They think I am. And, uh, Whose words originally, who gave you those words originally that you've co-opted into your own voice? Um,

A lot of people. Name them. Let's hear some of them. My mom, my stepdad, my brothers and sisters. What did your brothers and sisters say? Oh, well, just, you know, growing up, I wasn't really the most liked kid in the family, I guess. I know, but where does that story come from? Do they tell you, like, we don't like you, go away?

Yeah. Were you abused as a kid? Yeah. Okay. That's what I hear. I'm sorry, Willow. I'm so sorry. You don't apologize to me for nothing. I would ask your permission if it was okay, and then the next probably 10 minutes, I would just like to give you a hug. Yeah. When's the last time you touched skin on skin with somebody else?

Nine years. How long? Nine years. Oh, sweetheart. I just want to know how I stop telling myself that. Well, number one, I want you to listen real carefully to me, okay? Mm-hmm. That story in your head is keeping you safe because the tiny little gang...

that you were given that was supposed to be your original ride or die, mom, dad, brothers and sisters, they hurt you real bad, right? Yeah. And you and I could sit down and you could tell me some stories that would make my skin crawl, wouldn't it? Can't you? Yeah, probably. I know you could. And so your body telling you that story, that means your body's actually working amazing because it knows that people equal hurt.

especially loved ones who get close to you. And the problem is it's, it's kind of like if you were, if you nearly drown as a kid, like in a pool and then your body developed a, like an anxiety reaction to water. And then you suddenly died of thirst over here. That's what's happening right now. Right. Yeah. And so you have to teach your body, Hey, I was not okay then, but I'm okay now. And, and,

I had to cut off human contact to stay safe and to stay alive. And now that very action is what's killing me as a grownup. Yeah, it is. But do you make, I want you to make peace with your body. Your body's not the problem. It's working. We just have to do some other things now. Okay. Do you believe me on that? I do. Yes. So good for you. It's working.

In fact, it's probably working too good. Nine years is too long to go between hugs. That might even classify as torture in the Geneva Convention. I haven't looked at it in a while, but it's not good. Do you have a puppy? I do. I have two dogs. Okay. Is that good? They bring you some peace? Yes. They're my best friends. All right. Don't say that because they're dogs, but I do understand they are what you got right now. Yeah. So...

I think this is probably self-evident, but I want to hear in your words, what is loneliness for nine years? Let me ask you this before I dig into that question. When's your last romantic, ooey-gooey, gross relationship? That's really complicated, but that was nine years ago was the end of that relationship. Were you married? No, but I was with him for 18 years.

Why didn't y'all ever get married? I know. I know. I wanted to. Yeah. And that was just another, because he was a fleeting jerk who hung around and used you for 18 years. That is yet another proof positive for that story that you're not worth anything. You're like, yep, see? A guy who was with me for almost two decades wouldn't even marry me. Yeah. Yeah, it's not true. It's not true.

And I know I'm just some Yahoo podcaster and every bit of evidence you have is to the contrary to that, but I want you to hear my words. It's not true. Yeah, I believe you. I do. Here's the unfortunate next step for you. You have to go be weird. Be weird? Yep. Oh, what does that mean? Yeah, you have to go be weird. Okay. That means you got to go first. You have to invite people into your space.

where your body will scream and yell at you like it's on fire, but you know it's not. And you're going to have to risk asking a few coworkers, hey, you guys want to go get drinks? You guys want to go get chips and salsa? You guys want to come over for whatever's going on? I don't know what you're into, but if you're like Kelly, like the big NASCAR race or whatever she's into these days. And here's the deal, they might say no.

Yeah. And that will be because of their things going on, not yours. Yeah. Now your whole demeanor just changed. Your whole cadence just changed. What scares you about going to be weird? Just that rejection. It will happen again. Ta-da! Yeah. It's scary. It is. It's super scary. I have a friend...

named carolyn xavier she's a comedian um you find on instagram she's hilarious like like stop what i'm doing hilarious and um i met her in a comedy club um i was watching a show and we met up there and i was with another comedian we met there and i just cold invited her we have we have a group of randos that come over for easter and for thanksgiving to our house

People all different. Like it is straight. Like, like it's all kinds of people. And I invited her to come and she said, can I bring my 14 year old son? I was like, of course you can. Dude, Willow. She just showed up. I think she's going to come. And she's, um, she's heavily, heavily tattooed. She is a comedian and she showed up to a stranger's house knowing there's going to be 30 other people there for Easter. Um,

Oh, wow. And dude, we had a blast. A blast. I invited the woman who does my tattoos and her family for Thanksgiving. They came. Her little two-year-old. We had so much fun. They didn't know anybody. They knew anybody. Yeah. And could there be disasters? Yeah. We've had people come over and it's like, yeah, this will be the only time you ever come to my house. That's fine. Right. That happens. That happens. Yeah. But here's the thing. Can you agree with me that what you've been doing for nine years isn't working?

Yeah. Okay. Let's try something different. Let's just try something different. Yeah. No, you're right. Because you're living in a state of rejection, which sounds weird because the thing you're most scared of is being rejected. I also think it would be well worth your time to go see somebody there in Tampa and to do the trauma healing you need to do. How many people have you told out loud that you were abused growing up?

Um, actually a few. I won't, I have, I've been in therapy, um, ever since I was like 12 is the first time I went. Okay. That's a long, long time. Are you kind of down with therapy for a while? It's okay if you are. No, no, no. I, I haven't gone in a few years, so. Okay. So I want you to call somebody in town and here's what I want you to say.

I'm ready for my body. I'm ready to learn some things so I can teach my body that other people are not something to be scared and afraid of. Yeah. And you're going to give your therapist some direction on things you want to work on. How do you do that? What do you mean? How do you give them direction? Because that was my problem. We were never working on the things that I wanted to work on. And I didn't know how to say like,

I don't want to talk about that. I want to deal with this. So that's a, that's, that's, that's, I mean, at the end of the day, that comes down to, you don't even think the words that come out of your mouth have value. You know what I mean? You're paying somebody else for their expertise and service. Yeah. And you think so little of you that it's not even worth saying. It's like going to the doctor and not telling the doctor where it hurts.

So they just start giving you x-rays on your face, your ears, your foot. And you're like, no, it's my right butt cheek. It hurts. Right? I mean, but they would know. Yeah. Have you heard me talk about the fist in your chest exercise that my counselor gave me one time, my therapist gave me one time was the worst? No. I discovered there was a ticker tape underneath the movie of my life that just read, you suck. You suck. You're a piece of crap.

And some people, and I've also found since then that I'm not near the only one. Many people have that. Just constantly running underneath the story of your life. Hey, I won this thing. Yeah, but you suck. Hey, I got this thing. Yeah, but it wasn't first place. Hey, it's got a promotion, but yeah, this other guy's gonna get you. It never stopped. It never stopped. - Yeah. - And I know you have that too. I know that's what I'm telling you is. And my therapist asked me in session,

Say the words, put your hand on your chest and say the words. I love this guy talking to myself. And I just started laughing. I'll cut to the chase. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I don't understand how I'm telling you because I realized how easy it is to say the words. I love this guy. I could not get those words to come out of my mouth. And I was a grown man with a exceptional salary and two healthy kids and a wife that likes me most of the time. I could not say those words.

And my homework was to go home and look in the mirror and practice with my fist in my chest, looking myself in the eyes and saying the words over and over again, I love this guy. And what I realized was I was profoundly lonely too, but I was expecting other people to give me something that I couldn't give myself. And that will never happen. You have to look at this not as a defect, but as something you have to practice.

Yeah. You've spent your whole life driving in the desert, and that's awesome, but you've never driven on ice. That doesn't mean you're an idiot or a moron or broken. You just have to learn how to drive on the ice. Right? Yeah. And that just means you're going to be a little bit, you're going to be a little bit, a lot more graceful with Willow. That means, where do you work? I work from home for a marketing company. Do you have an opportunity to go in? No. Okay. Okay.

So before today is over, you're going to have looked for two or three local churches and you're going to make yourself go on Sunday. I don't care if you believe what they're saying from the pulpit or not, you're going to go be around people. And if you get in the car, actually, if you shower, get dressed, get in the car, drive up, get out of the car and then have a panic attack and get back in your car and go home. I'll count that as a win. I'll count that as a win. And then the next week you're going to go again. And this time you're going to just touch the door and get back to your car. I'm serious.

I know. I'm laughing because it's true. I know it is. I know it is. And you hear me say like, I'm smiling. You're not broken. You just got to teach your body. Hey, your body has identified that there are wolves and tigers in that room. And there's not, there's a bunch of loving people, a few crazies, but mostly loving people. And I'm, I'm, I'm just trying to think of hospitable gathering places. I want you to call a counselor for the days over and not one on zoom. I want you to go meet with somebody in person. Okay. Okay.

I want your body to begin to, I want you to sit in a waiting room with people. I want you to fill out the form. I want you to sit across from another person and say, I'm not okay. And here's what I want to talk about. And if you have to write it down, write it down. Okay. But before we do all this, here's your two homework assignments just for me. Okay. Those are all for you. These are for me. Okay. When you get off this call, I want you to go into your bathroom.

Don't say Candyman five times because I've seen that movie. It ends terribly. Okay. No, thank you. I want you to look in the mirror. I don't want you to put your chest, your fist in your chest. And I want you to look yourself in the eye and say, I love this girl. I want you to say it 10 times all the way through. And about halfway through, I want you to drop your shoulders. And then I want you to go get something to write on, not with an app or something, but I want you to get a piece of paper. And I want you to write, here's what I'm worth.

And I want you to make a list. I'm worth a hug. I'm worth people coming over to my house, even when it's messy, especially when it's messy. I'm worth going out to dinner with friends. I'm worth an intimate, romantic relationship that's just, ugh, to the outside world. Yeah, I can do that. I'm worth having best friends that I also don't have to pick their poop up when we walk. Right? Fair? Yeah.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that you called today. Thank you. Like, um, like some of the things I've told you today, I need to go do again. And so I want to thank you for being a reminder for me. Thank you for helping me. If you'll come to Nashville, I would love to give you a big hug. Okay. Yeah, that was,

I love that area. Well, come visit. And the lobby's open. We got free cookies. And you'll get your brains hugged out here. Everyone hugs here. And hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and Building a Non-Anxious Life, both my books. I want you to read both of them back to back because they kind of work together like a puzzle piece. It's going to give you a roadmap. And by the way, this is going to be hard. You got a lot. You got a decade worth of teaching to recalibrate your body.

And some old memories are going to come up and mom's going to call out of the blue and your brother's going to ask if you can come stay. Just weird stuff will happen as you get well. That's just part of it. And that's okay. You are worth being loved. You have value. God loves you. We here in the Deloney gang, we love you. And now it's time for you to go do the work. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

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How you doing, Dr. John? Rocking on, brother. What's up with you? Oh, another day, man. Trying to get by. You can do better than that, dude. I know. What's up? My question would be, how do I forgive and move forward after my wife and one of my best friends had over a year-long affair behind my back? And the second part of that is, is it even possible for me to move forward? Tell me about it.

Well, feel free to stop or interrupt me because I can get, there's so much that goes into this. You know, I can get ranting, but. Do this for me. Hold on, hold on. Based on what you just said, I'm all about the rant. I get it. I want to rant for you. Okay. It's easy to get dragged down in the mud on these deals. I want you to practice just with me, staying above it and looking down as far as you can on it.

Okay. Okay. Give me the high level. And this isn't for, this isn't for like good radio. This is for you to be able to begin to talk about this without getting dragged underwater by it. Cause every time you go underwater, you get emotional and you get emotional. You act crazy either. I'm going to let her back in or she's never coming back or all my friends. Let's practice staying way up here on this one. Okay. Okay. So tell me what happened in as few sentences as you can.

Okay. Last August, I got on her laptop and found that she had been on a paternity test website. Our daughter just turned one. I had been on a paternity test website and questioned her about it and ended up finding out it was one of my best friends who was also my boss. Whoa! He was in our wedding. I left my previous job for him. What do you do? I'm a firefighter.

Does that guy still have his job? Let's just say he left. Good. The research is pretty clear that somebody that lacks that type of integrity at home also lacks that type of integrity at work.

Yeah. And this is an ongoing thing for him. Yeah. And you're a firefighter. I don't want a piece of crap like that out making sure my community is safe because that, that sucker is going to cut corners and some innocent bystander is going to die because that person lacks the deepest roots of character. You're a hundred percent right. Good, man. I hope that that dude's like, like grooming dogs or something right now where he can't hurt anybody. All right. So the hard part about that too was that we actually found out she was pregnant, um,

A few months before we got married, we were already engaged. It just kind of happened. I mean, it didn't just kind of happen. Well, we know how it happened. Yeah, I was going to say like, oh my gosh. No, we know how it happened. All right, so she had a bad reaction? What does that mean? Well, so she's always had, we've been together, we're high school sweethearts. She's always had really strong Christian values. I mean, that's super strong. And out of nowhere, the night we found out.

They like, they flipped like eight months before a wedding and it was really bizarre. And I didn't understand why she wanted to start to start using things. Like I'm going to do what I want to do. Like comments like that, like regardless of what I think. And, um, so when she found out she was pregnant, she had told me she wanted an abortion. Okay. And it was really hard on me, obviously of trying to be like, please, you know, don't do this. Like, this is our baby. Like you will regret it. Is that because she thought it was somebody else's baby?

Yeah, which I didn't know and she didn't tell me. Okay. So that was before our wedding. He was in our wedding. She had started the affair with him and I didn't find out until over a year later and it continued every now and then with him through then. How long have you been married? A year and a half. How old are you? I'll be 25 in a few months. Yeah. This girl broke your heart, man. Yeah.

And she gave you the best thing of all time, too, at the same time. That little kid, right? Yeah. That messes with your mind up, right? Yeah. I'm sorry, man. The only way that this marriage can survive, can it? Yes, it can. Is it going to be hard? Yeah. You're a firefighter. You're not scared of hard things. The only way it survives is y'all completely control, delete everything you knew about your marriage and you start completely over. And both of y'all are all in.

And what does that mean? The fact that you called and said, I looked at her laptop. My wife and I just have laptops. Several, actually. I guess she has her phone and my phone, but we both know the codes to each other. Like, it starts there. Yeah. You don't have secret stuff and I don't have secret stuff. We're just going to build a unified structure here. Right? You wouldn't put up with that kind of logic in the firehouse. Right? You wouldn't have like, I'm just going to prep this however I want. You can't because someone will die. Same applies in your marriage. Would she do that?

You mean, would she be willing to control, alt, delete, start over, open up account. I mean, open up finances, share finances, open up electronics, cut off all contact with other people and just go fully in us to ride or die, build in a marriage that will last forever.

Well, I mean, to add the extra layer to this situation. So that was like the night that I found out I went up to the firehouse. Me and him worked different shifts and I confronted him. And I came back and the first thing I said was, here's what I need if we're going to fix this. And that was one of the things. And she genuinely tried for a few weeks and then it just stopped. And I will say, like, I'm a pursuer and she's like definitely a withdrawer. She shuts down.

And so she shut down and that lasted until the end of December and I, we separated. But this is, you know, I, when we separated, it's with the hope that like maybe something will change.

and get better. And I do see flashes of that at times. And then there's, you know, there's really high highs, really high lows. I grew up with a mom with BPD and I see a lot of the similar traits in her. And I genuinely believe that like a lot of this is caused by the mental illness and my vows meant something to me. She broke your vows. Hold on. She broke your vows. I know your vows meant something to you, but she broke them.

You're hanging on to a ski rope, and she cut the rope, dude. And you're still trying to ski, and you're bobbing in the middle of the water, and the boat is gone. Yeah. I'm just hanging on to something that I wish was there. That's exactly right. That's when I tell you, you've got to build something new. You've got to build something completely new. And by the way, I really lately have... You stepped in it. You didn't even mean to, so I'm not going to direct this at you. I'm kind of over the... I'm a maximizer. I'm a builder. I'm a pursuer. I'm a whatever. Like, I don't care. Like...

I am a podcasting, YouTube, and radio personality. That's on my job description here at my office. I also will go out and pick up trash outside if we have a bunch of guests coming. Because when you need to pull together as a team, you move chairs together. You just do what you got to do, right? And so I don't care if I'm a withdrawer or I'm a pursuer. Dude, my marriage is about over. I'll do whatever I have to do.

Yeah, if it's uncomfortable if it like I don't care right so it's like I'm just gonna do my withdrawal game noted We're not time for games things you're about to be a single mom And I'm about to be a single dad and I don't want that for us I want that for my baby But yes, you are holding on to something that no longer exists. The question is not can you get it back? You cannot it is over the question is can y'all build something new and I think you can but it takes both of you and she goes through a

One day, she doesn't think there's a chance that she would ever want to be with me again. And then the next, she acts completely otherwise. All right, here's what I want to tell you. You have self-diagnosed her and you are looking at her through a lens of some sort of mental health diagnostic. Don't do that to her. It's not fair. What you have to do is to ask yourself, because here's what it does. It also gives you a pass. It helps you not look at reality. And you've probably heard me say this a million times on the show. If behavior is a language, what is she telling you?

I don't want to be with you. Yeah. Occasionally I'll hook up with you. Occasionally when we come see the baby or when she comes to visit the baby or you go to visit the kid, you'll have some laughs. You grab a drink. Maybe she's made dinner and it just feels like it would feel good, but it's not real. Is that true or false? Tell me if I'm wrong, man. I'd love to be wrong here. Very true. Okay. The only thing I think left to do is to sit down and say, I need us to be adults and let's, let's,

Say we're going to go all in and I have done my work to say, here's what all in means or let's call it. Cause right now you're both drowning in the maybe, and maybe, maybe there needs to be some just gray mush for a while, but it doesn't seem to, it doesn't seem to be effective. That's why I like separations, like to have a date and a time and a location where we're going to reconnect what we're going to talk about when we get there. Like that separation has got a purpose and that's just to let the fire burn out in the house. Cause things got too hot.

Yeah. And it's been four months. Has she seen somebody else that you know of? Uh, I asked her yesterday. She says no, but you can't believe that. Yeah. No, I don't trust her. Yeah. Would she go see, she go see somebody with you?

So, we went to counseling. She actually, like the day after I found out, scheduled us an appointment with a lady. And we went together like three times and this lady and I kind of butted heads. It was a lot of, like I would make the comment of how, like I felt.

if she can't, if I can't be, if I can't trust her with her phone, as far as, um, if I just asked to do something on it and she was very skittish about it. Um,

The pretty much the counselor told me that I have no right to even ask that. It's nonsense. Nonsense. Never walk in that lady's office again. It's bull crap. Well, I stopped from, from pretty much the third or fourth appointment. She said, we should want to start doing separate. And I didn't do that with her. That's absolutely nonsensical. She still goes to her, but I feel like the way he almost justifies it. Like, I don't, I don't think, I don't think it's, I think it's doing more harm than good.

Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. You're spending a lot of time in your wife's head and you're making up stories about why she's doing something, what it's doing, how it's, I wouldn't do that. Judge the actual action in front of you. Okay. Does it matter what she's doing? Does it matter where she's like all like I, for us to stay together, I need you to be completely open with electronics. If that's not something you can do, then that's cool. I'm out. It's not. She's doing this. Yeah.

I think I'm just scared because I grew up, my parents divorced when I was early into my teenage years and I had a really bad reaction to it and grew up, you know, I'll never do that to my child. So two things, you got to forgive yourself. You made yourself a promise that you didn't realize at a young age that takes two. And it sounds like you've worked your butt off to hold up your end of that rope that somebody else cut.

And so go back and forgive your 13-year-old self for being so pissed off at your parents because you don't really know what happened. You kind of do, but probably not. And give yourself some grace, man. You went all into the ring to fight that guy as hard as you could. You just didn't know the person that was supposed to fight with you was going to cut your knees out from under you. You got to give yourself some grace on that. And part two is be the best damn dad that ever existed, that little kid. Yeah.

She's my everything. I know she is. My daughter's mine too. I mean, it made it 10 times harder to even deal with what she did because for four months I didn't even know she was mine until the results came in. I know. She'll always be your baby girl. And we're not going to talk bad about mom because she's also half mom too. Yeah. And we're going to love that little girl. She's not going to know a day in her life that daddy's not telling her that she loves her.

And if some crappy stepdad comes in the picture, your dad's going to be right there. And if mom's not okay, dad's going to step in. And if dad's got to go to court and get everything sorted out, which you're going to need to do, then we're going to go get things done, but we're going to take care of that baby girl. Is that cool? Yeah. I hate this for you, man. Sounds like you tried to do right. I'm sorry.

It's been seven, eight months now just trying every day. The first, like I wrote this book a while back and I couldn't figure out the first way to start it. I couldn't figure out like the entry point to it. And I finally landed on a sentence, on two words, choose reality. And I don't know there's any sort of healing or mental or emotional or even physical health

I don't know if there's any way to get that without first being honest about the starting line. Here's how far I have to run. And I got to just at some point drop my shoulders and choose reality. The reality is my best friend in the world and boss didn't stab me in the back. He stabbed me right in the face. My wife, the mother of my baby girl, stabbed me right in the face. Right?

Yep. That's choosing reality. That's heartbreak, dude. That's grief. That's deep grief, man. This anger that's raised all of it, dude. And it's all good. It's all right. And then the question is, what are you going to do next? I don't, I think the conversation needs to be, I mean, I'll say this. There was a little bit of conflict between the two of us yesterday. And she said,

You know, she doesn't want to be with me. And if that were to change, it wouldn't be for a long time. Cool. You need to have the courage to hear her words and then go do what you got to do. You need to go to the courthouse. You need to get an attorney. You need to go do the next right thing. I just feel like I'd be losing my daughter too. No, you won't be. Because she makes it very difficult for me already. I know. And that's what a court order can help with. At least it'll clarify that halftime or three-fourths time or whatever, non-shift time.

But you're trying to hold together a fantasy brother. Then that it's gone. It's a ghost. And that's that, that angst that like, I'll say this in a harsh way. You've already lost your daughter. Your daughter right now is tangled up in like an electric fence of chaos and tension. And I don't know who's what and where, and that's my daddy, but he doesn't live here. That's my mommy. She doesn't live here. I hate this for you, man, but it's time you call an attorney, find yourself a therapist that isn't delusional. So ridiculous. Sorry, man.

and begin taking the next step towards what comes next. Hang on a line, I'm going to send you that book, Building an Un-Existence Life. That'll be my gift to you, man. Call anytime, brother. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

Alright, we are back. Hey, two quick rad updates. Number one, back on April 1st, the episode aired with Tristan, who was struggling. I'm excited to report that Tristan went and checked himself in, is working with the right doctors and counselors, and he is on the road to recovery. Pretty amazing story, and we're going to keep up with him. He's not ready to be on the air, obviously, but...

Man, I'm going to be smiling for us today about that guy. Really excited to meet up with him. It's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. All right. And part two, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it. All right. Am I the problem? This is from Darren in here locally in Brentwood. My wife wants a Louis Vuitton purse for Christmas or for her birthday.

We are currently in a little over $80,000 debt and trying to do the baby steps. She says if I was a man like she wants or if I really loved her, I would save up and do anything to make it happen. Am I the problem? Bro, run. Run. And just Forrest Gump style, don't stop. Just run. No. No, you're not the problem.

No, no. The fact that you're asking if you're the problem tells me you're so beat down by this woman. You're so beat down and your face is in the concrete in the middle of your driveway and it can't get any more mushed. And you're like, is it me? No, it's not you. You're the last sane thinker in your home, my man. And I'll tell you this. If you lose your marriage over a Louis Vuitton purse, it was not much of a marriage to begin with.

Is that right, Kelly? Maybe I'm wrong. No, you're not wrong in any way. In any way. And I love my designer purse. I'm not going to lie. But I saved up for it after we got out of debt because we had things that were bigger priorities. Like bills and food. Yeah. And so, no, she is a princess in the worst form of the word. She's a diva. No, he is not the problem. Hey, you call me a diva sometimes. I call you lots of things sometimes. That is very true. But in this case, it's her.

Brother. Run, run, run, run. Run to Walmart where they have a nice bag selection that you can buy with cash. Yeah, maybe not nice. But hey, if you got like a black marker and just wrote Louie, L-O-U-E-Y, dude, that'd be amazing. Don't do that. Don't do that. That won't end well for you. I don't even know what to say. Love you guys. Bye.