I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
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How do my wife and I address concerns about my mother-in-law potentially having an affair and cheating on my father-in-law? For the sake of the past few shows, please tell me it's not you that's having the affair with her. No, no, no, no. God, thank you. What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us, man. Three times a week, we're here to talk about the

I'm dropping new episodes, me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. And not always hurting, I guess, but people just stuck, stuck in the relationships, their mental and emotional health.

And it's real people going through real struggles. And we're going to sit down. We're going to figure it out. We're going to do the next right thing. If that's you, if you found yourself stuck, man, give me a pause at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndelony.com slash ask, A-S-K. Please, we're getting close to a major milestone here, so don't forget to hit the subscribe button. Just take two seconds.

subscribe to the show, especially on the tubes. It makes such a big, powerful difference. All right, let's go out to the 512 Austin, Texas and talk to Josh. Hey, Josh, what's up, dude? Hey, what's going on, Dr. John? Nothing much, man. Rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up, brother? Hey, so I guess I'll just get straight into my question of how do my wife and I address concerns about my mother-in-law potentially having an affair and cheating on my father-in-law?

For the sake of the past few shows, please tell me it's not you that's having the affair with her. No, no, no, no. God, thank you. Phew. Actually, that would have got us a lot more subscribers. That would have been kind of awesome for the show. Yeah, that would have been good. Okay. All right, so tell me more.

Tell me about it. Well, so just to kind of give you some context, how we have finding out or why we're coming to this conclusion is about a year ago,

My in-laws, they were approached by someone that they knew. My mother-in-law had a relationship, I think a coworker or something, and he was going through a divorce. I guess he had his assets frozen, got kicked out of the house, blah, blah, blah, and then asked my in-laws if he could stay with them for the time being.

Well, a few months turned into a year. And at first I thought he was just, I guess, scamming them, taking advantage of them. Um, cause the story is that, so my mother-in-law and my mom, uh, my wife, they both have a, have had a good relationship. And so they talk all the time. And so, uh,

And overhearing these conversations, I first thought this guy that was staying with them was just taking advantage of them. But the stories that my mother-in-law kept saying and kept relaying to us, now I'm starting to feel like she's covering for him because they're getting emotionally involved. If you like pina coladas, huh? I get it. So...

That's a pretty far leap to, from, Hey, this family friend is going through a divorce. I'm going to crash there for a little while too, man. It's turned into a year to, I think my mom, my mother-in-law is having an affair at worst, a physical affair at best and emotional affair. Um,

I say this with all due respect, but like what business is it of y'all's, of yours? So that's the thing is I probably wouldn't care as much, but it's clearly having an effect on my wife who's starting to realize it. I think I saw it a lot sooner, saw the writing on the wall. But the other aspect which makes it difficult and kind of what gives, I guess, us some –

Say so is my son, he's 15 months old. He goes and stays there a couple times a week. Absolutely not. No way, no how. Right. And here's why. Not because of the affair, but because the vast majority of abuse, physical and sexual, is done with step-parents or visiting boyfriends kind of thing.

Yeah. And I don't know this guy. I don't know anything about this guy. I don't trust this guy. I don't have a relationship with this guy. My kid's not going over there, period. End of story.

And that's kind of the mentality I've had. Good for you. The issue that I'm coming across is my communicating that to my wife. She's, again, the relationship between my mother-in-law and her have always usually been good. And she's worried by doing that, they're going to burn some bridges and the connection is not going to be there. That's not how it works. No.

The bridge has been burned, but not by y'all. Y'all are responding to a bridge that's on fire and it was lit on fire by your in-laws. Yeah. They don't get to set fire to a bridge and expect you to walk across it with your precious 15-month-old and then blame you for the singe marks on your clothes. That's not how it works. Yeah. Y'all did not light the fire of this bridge. They did. They torched it. Right. And so, cool. They're allowed to do whatever they want to do.

What's going to happen in your house is your wife had a really beautiful picture of her close relationship with her mom and her mom being the best grandma of all time. And so when it comes to the boundaries, there needs to be a clear boundary. My son, my daughter is not going to stay at a house where there's a strange man living there, period. End of story. And so y'all get to decide. You want to see your grandkid?

Or are you going to keep being a supportive house for this guy? Y'all get to pick. And one of them is going to break my heart. But that's not my job. My job is to protect my kid. And I'm just going to look at the data. My kid's not going over where strange men are staying, period. Yeah. And you and your wife are going to have to grieve the fact that we thought, man, our picture for this was going to be so different than what it actually is. And that just hurts. That's the worst. Yeah. You keep mentioning that your wife and her mom have this amazing relationship.

Right. Has she sat down across the table and looked at your mom and said, I mean, at her mom and said, mom, I think this is starting to feel inappropriate. No. Um, and I, we, so the relationship, it's not amazing then let's stop couching it as that. Cause if you can't have that conversation, your relationship is not amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

If you can't be honest and you can't be direct and you can't be like, Hey, I'm gonna put all this on the table. Cause here's what I'm seeing. If you can't do that, then it's not a relationship. There's some transactions happening. There's some performance happening. Right. Well, and we've both been, we're both guilty of being people pleasers and trying to make sure, you know, our parents both on both sides are happy. We're both the oldest. We both have the, um, you know, this mentality that we got to make sure everybody's taken care of. And sometimes it's at our own expense. Um,

And I know that's a difficult thing for her is to confront her mom who's been very vocal and pushy in other aspects of her life. Yeah, that was going to be my question, brother, because this kind of person is not just, yeah, pushy and vocal about, I want to see that kid. There's other stuff going on, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the best thing I would tell you,

Is you guys solve for reality sooner rather than later? Okay. And there probably is not going to be some big showdown. There's not going to be some big come to Jesus, some big, that's just not going to happen. Your mother-in-law doesn't care about that kind of stuff. What she cares about is her way. Yeah. Whatever she wants.

And so knowing that, that this isn't a matter of interpretation, this isn't a matter of somebody just doesn't have some info that they need to help make a better decision. You're dealing with somebody who cares about one person, themselves. And if they've invited another man to live in the house, then your father-in-law's participating in this. Yeah. And so, dude, I want to just be away from that mess. And let's say altruistically, let's say they're just, your in-laws are amazing people and they gave shelter to a guy that just got wronged. That's awesome.

If that's the case, then if I'm you, I'm going out to have coffee with that dude. And I would look him dead in the eye and say, I don't know you. And I'm not sending my kid over to a place with strange men that I don't know. Yeah. Who do you think you are? I am the father of that kid. That's who I am. And I wouldn't bat an eye. And here's the thing, man. You and your wife as first kids, as people pleasers, you all chose to create a human. And now your role has shifted completely.

Because otherwise you're going to end up using your kid as a function in your people pleasing. And that's not fair to that baby. I know I just dumped it all on you. How does that sound? Easier said than done, that's for sure. Yep.

I, and I've had conversations, I haven't had conversations. I've met the guy that's there and he seems, obviously if there is a lot more red flags to it, I would be, this would have, I probably would have kind of put my foot down a little bit more, but it's just getting. I don't wait for, I don't, I don't wait for red flags with my kids. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.

So I, I, if, if there's no red, if there's no red flags. So it reminds me, I think I've mentioned it on the show. There's a great story. Kelly brought it to us once. Producer Kelly brought it once. There was a kid getting walked through a temper tantrum inside of a grocery store or inside of a store, like a home good store. And dad just got frustrated and started carrying them out. And the kid was kicking and screaming in the parking lot as they were heading out to the car. And a man was walking into the store and the man stopped and

and said is that your kid right basically saying if you've just kidnapped a kid who's screaming and fighting you i'm intervening right now yeah and ended up they got all worked out it was fine the dad's a dude i just got a kid he's throwing a temper tantrum his bananas but the dad who got stopped in the parking lot ended up circling back and saying how grateful he was that a man took a moment to stop and potentially protect his child

And so if you as a dad, a new dad, practice looking other grown men in the eye, because it's going to happen with a soccer coach. It's going to happen with a teacher. It's going to happen with a who. It's going to be the rest of your life. If you practice walking up and saying, hey, sir, whatever this guy's name. Hey, Dan, I'm taking you out to coffee. What's up? I'm taking you out to coffee. Hey, this is my son. And I don't want to be weird or anything or hurt your feelings. But all the data says that a lot of challenges come from strange men in the homes that I don't know you that well.

If he's a man of high character and integrity, he's going to look at you and say, data boy, this is the kind of dad. You're a good man. Let me tell you about myself. Let me tell you what I've been through. When your son's over at this house, I will protect him till the moon and back. And if he throws a temper tantrum, how dare you talk to me like, do you believe it? Then bro, he just, he got, you know what I mean? Right. You learned all you need to learn, but your heart's going to race fast.

In in route to that conversation. You're gonna be nervous about it. Your mother-in-law may be all mad about it Your father-in-law may be all mad about it. Um You're gonna walk away from that conversation 10 inches taller Because I think the person you're starting to lose the most respect for is yourself you and your wife together. Yeah So there's not an easy path forward brother, but I hate it for you. I hate it. I wish your wife could um Leverage this quote-unquote amazing relationship. She has with her mom just to go mom. What in the deal? What's going on? Yeah

And if she can't, then that should be the big red flag to tell you just how not solid this relationship is. And then you all need to do what's best for you two and your family. Right. I wish I could get her to talk to you. Well, tell her to call me. I'm happy to. I should. Take a recording of this and let her listen to it. I can't think of a worse. I can. One of the worst things to have to grieve is I had a picture in my mind that I thought my parents were.

I thought they would become this kind of grandparent and they're not. Yeah. And I hear this all over America. And I think, I think the counter is people are just writing every, all their parents off because they didn't perfectly match this picture. And I think that's probably too far too. Um, but there's some middle ground and the middle ground is going to be, I'm not leaving my 15 month old there. And by the way, that also sucks for y'all. Cause that was free babysitting, right? Yeah. I mean, it's got a whole bunch of costs to it. Right.

But if my mom is having an affair with a live-in guy that they gave refuge to and my dad is going along with it or my mom is a bully and she's a liar and she's making excuses for this guy because she's got emotions because she's using him to prop up gaps in her marriage with the other guy, I don't want my 15-month-old anywhere near any of that mess. And I'll swing in for Thanksgiving and I'll swing in for Christmas, but I don't want anything to do with that mess.

And now you and your wife have to live in the ash of what was and what could have been and what we hoped for and what we thought was going to happen. Y'all got to do the hard work of saying, okay, what's Easter going to look like for us this year? What's Christmas going to look like? What's babysitting going to look like? And that's heartbreaking, but it just is. It's just owning and dealing with reality. It's owning and dealing with reality. And I think our entire culture is set up to avoid reality. I'm really proud of you two for having this conversation, for thinking about it, and for wondering what we're going to do

I think at the end of the day, you and your wife need to decide what's best for our family and how we're going to navigate it moving forward. And then her parents get to decide if they're going to be mature about it, they're going to feel a fit about it, they're going to have honest conversations about it. They get to decide what happens next. Y'all just can't own all of that. Y'all have to do the next right thing for you and your family. Appreciate the call, my brother. Appreciate it. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's roll out to Ontario and talk to Dave. What's up, Dave? Yes, sir. What's going on, man? Hey, in a bit of a tight spot with my partner. Okay, tell me about it. Well, he stepped out of the company. Oh, business partner. Business partner, romantic partner.

No, sorry, sir. Business partner, best friend, previous roommate, fellow minister at church. Okay. So y'all got some history together. Okay. A lot of history. Before he was married, everything was super. It just has kind of gone downhill since he met his wife. What's gone downhill? The access you had to him and you being...

The focus of his life? What's going downhill? That's not really the issue. The issue is his personal life is going through... I mean, honestly, since the day he was married in 2019, I think it was 2019. Yeah. Since he was married, it's been a rollercoaster for him. So because he's in a place of leadership, that creates a rollercoaster for everybody else. Yeah.

And he was in leadership for, he trained me from nothing in construction, construction renovators. And he also actually introduced me to the gospel of Jesus Christ and the true gospel. And so, sorry, I'm running here. But when he was in the place of leadership, when it would go up and down, I was just along for the ride. Once I became his business partner,

then it affected me more and my reputation more because we were always changing. And now that he's stepped most of the way out of the company, it's left the company on my shoulders, and yet he's still involved, and I'm concerned that I have no idea what the next step is going to be because he might come back. He might step out completely. He might ask for profits. I have no idea. So what about this best friend?

By the way, everyone who gets introduced to some sort of faith says it's the one true faith. So this person who has been a spiritual influence in your life and a professional influence and a personal influence, it sounds like it's a lot of smoke and mirrors if you can't sit down and say, bro, what are you doing?

I can and I do, but it becomes a big argument every time. Okay, then your relationship is not what you think it is. Or let me say this, it's not what you are fantasizing it is. And I don't mean fantasizing in a sexual way. That's exactly correct. It's not real. That's exactly correct. How can I help you? What's the next right move for you? What's the question? So I've reached out to, I was getting an offer from another company. Ah, okay.

So I've reached out to him to accept the offer. He'll get back to me actually tomorrow. Um, so it's just, how do I, so you're absolutely correct. Um, I'm holding on to a friendship I had with this guy before his whole marriage and life crisis, uh, and before he changed. So you're absolutely correct. Um, so it's just, how do I respectfully and properly step out of the business side? Uh, and also our real estate side, step out of that. Oh, I love that question.

only be tied into, into the church? I'm not leaving. I'm actually a musician, uh, amateur, not leaving the church at this point, but how do I respectfully step out without just blowing the whole thing up? So, man, that's a great question. And I'm gonna, the answer is surprisingly simple. Um, but it,

Yeah, so I'll just put it out there. Number one, you say about 10% of what you want to say or think you should say. So say as little as possible, not in a manipulative way, but knowing this is a person who has demonstrated through their actions, they don't care what you say, they don't care about the integrity of the partnership, they have moved on with their life. And so what they have done in that process is there's not a lot of –

They don't need a lot of, he doesn't need a lot of explanation, a lot of explanation. And by the way, the more explanation you give is just going to put gas on a fire that he's got raging inside of him that has nothing to do with you. Correct. It's as simple as, hey, I need to have a direct conversation with you. It's going to be pretty tough. Okay, Dave, what's going on? I've accepted another opportunity at another business. It's been my life's honor getting to work with you. And I will never forget the investment you put into my life.

In a couple of days, I'm going to circle back and we can talk through how we're going to separate the company, how I'm going to get bought out. I don't know the details of how you're going to transition. Once he hears the words, I have taken a new position, period, he is going to go full fight or flight. He won't hear another thing you say. I know. So don't.

Okay. Okay. And in a couple of days, we'll circle back and we'll work through the details. And I don't know what that means to get out of the real estate part and the business. I don't know if you have equity in the company. I don't know any of that kind of stuff. If you do, you need to write out specifically what your expectations are for that exit. Right. Because you're an owner. This isn't a matter of like, I'm quitting my job and you're turning in a two-week notice to your boss. You're an owner, right? Or you're a partner in this company. So I don't know what that kind of looks like.

Here's the... It's kind of a mess, sir. Okay. Nothing's on paper. It's a mess. It's a real mess. Okay. You need to be very clear, and you probably ought to meet with an attorney before you sit down. Because if you don't... The only advantage to the mess is my name is not really... I don't know how to describe it. I've never seen it anywhere else. Nothing's on paper. It's...

But because he's stepping out, my name is getting more and more onto the liability side, and we have a mess when it comes to our paperwork and so on, our taxes. Okay, but hear me closely, Dave. Yes, sir. You stepping out and taking a new job, in fact, does not absolve you of the mess you already have created.

If you have your name on documents, if you are a partner, if you are an owner, if you are somehow already in the middle of projects that are underway, you will still be liable for those as you leave. That's correct. And so if there's 10 restoration projects or 10 rehab projects going and you just quit, but you were part of the guy that signed the contract with that original company, they still come after you.

That's correct. So the plan is January 1st, I step out. Okay. He may pull a grenade pin before then. I know that. I know. I'm expecting it. Okay. So here's what I would do. I would spend your energy not trying to predict or contemplate how he's going to respond. Instead, I would spend my energy on writing out very clearly for myself and for him, here's what the next steps will look like.

And then underneath that, in fact, the last three jobs I've transitioned out of, I sat down with a plan. Two out of three times, my plan has been readily accepted. Like I'll stay, I'm going to overlap, I'll work here and I'm starting my new job. I'll be available for you. You can pay me contract and I'll stay on. That's been accepted. The other one wasn't. One of them wasn't. They said, we're going to pay you out, but we want you to go ahead and go early. That's cool. It's their facility. It's their place.

And so you can have all the plans in the world. It's all well and good. If you want to just walk away and have no equity in this thing, and that's what you've decided, then put that down and have your lawyer draw up an agreement that says that I'm terminating this partnership effective immediately. If not, who knows what he gets on the phone and does, and you're still a quote unquote partner or co-owner until January. I would not do that. He can drag you through all kinds of things.

Nobody knows about this except for one close friend who won't mention it. Do you recommend that I just, I guess, quietly do the steps, separate our tools, kind of finish up the jobs and finish up and maybe let him know like just, just Christmas or Merry Christmas. I'm leaving. Would you recommend something like that or just go with my planet? If you think he's in a position where he's going to steal your stuff,

Then, yeah, you need to do the next right thing to protect yourself. But I don't want you to cash out your dignity and your honor and your character in the process. So what that would mean is if he says, hey, I'm taking on some more jobs for the new year. I know. That's the challenge. That's why I kind of have to talk now because it's going to get really, really basically a betrayal if I wait. And I think there's a personal betrayal and there's a legal betrayal.

That's correct. Because he's you or him are going to sign contracts with a customer who expects you to be running the show because he ain't doing it. And then it's going to be gone. So, yes, if you think the day you tell him, hey, I've taken a new position, I'm planning on starting January one. I'm going to help you wrap up this year. If he doesn't if you don't think he's going to respond to that in a positive way, he's going to lock you out of the building. Then, yeah, you can get your stuff out.

No, he's not that extreme. He's just going to try to convince me for the next three months every day to stay. Okay. By you deciding you're going to stay for the next three months, then that's part of it. You know that. Right. That's like me going to stay at my dad's house. I know my dad's going to try to convince me of his political views. This is how my dad rolls. But I'm choosing to stay at his house. So that's kind of the price I pay to be there. Right. Do you get what I'm saying? But any sort of like, I think the meta lesson here is, especially initially,

The least amount of explanation, deep conversation, he will not hear you. He's been able to have his cake and eat it too. I don't know how that saying goes. How does that saying go? I don't know. Make his cake and have it, eat it too. What's the saying? Having your cake and eating it too? That doesn't sound right. Is that right? Yeah. He's been trying to have his cake and eat it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't have it and...

That saying, he likes being a co-owner where he makes money and you increasingly over the last four or five years have been running everything. And that's going to come to an end. His gravy train is coming to an end. He's going to be upset about it. And so say as little as you can and then come up with a plan in writing a few days later when the smoke is cleared. Expect him to be angry because you've just blown up his life. That's okay. He made that choice. Hand him a piece of paper and says, here's my expectation and my plan. Let's work it through together.

Every job I've ever left, I always send my exit strategy in writing. It's always a proposal. And I'm hoping they accept it. And I'm also offering things. I'm going to keep working here. I'm not going to leave y'all high and dry. I'll finish all the reports. I'll turn the budgets in, whatever the thing is. And I think it's looking at the world y'all are in and saying, okay, the next three months are going to be a mayhem. And then I start this new job.

Moving forward, but the days of handshakes and it's going to be all good. That has to end. You guys start putting stuff in writing. Um, and almost think of this like as a divorce. My buddy Dave says, once somebody says, I want to divorce you, you are now in a business transaction. The romantic part is over. We are now into dividing up assets and we are dividing up the path that we are going to exit this, this partnership, similar thing here.

The moment you accept this position, I accept this job. Now we are fully in business mode. Hopefully, y'all can stay friends through it, but you're dividing assets, you're dividing tools, you're dividing jobs, you're dividing payouts, you're dividing debts, whatever y'all got on the table. Let's have that in writing as soon as possible. Thanks for the call, Brother Dave. Appreciate you, man. Best of luck to you. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person or two we'd like to shout out for helping us out somewhere along our life's journey. I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life. One is the great Marilyn Fannin, and two is the great and powerful Dr. Jean-Noel Thompson.

Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. And Jean-Noel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time thanks to Marilyn and Jean-Noel. And for all you listeners, I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for, and hopefully you stop and thank them.

But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough, ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving or moving forward. We're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you.

We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons. That's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Mission Viejo. Viejo? Mission Viejo. Mission Viejo, said the former geography teacher. California and talk to Bella. Hey, Bella, what's up?

Hello, Mr. Deloney. What's going on? Not much. I'm really excited to be on the phone with you. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. I just have a question. I wanted to know, how do I break free from self-imposed boundaries and live without fear?

That sounds like you went to like a woman's empowerment conference. Uh, no. Um, did you take like an online quiz? No, I'm just playing with you. I'm just trying to break the ice a little bit. All right. Tell me about your, um, your self-imposed boundaries and your fearful living.

Yes, so I'm 31. I have been on a self-healing journey for a few years now. What's that mean? Sorry, I'm getting so emotional right now. No, you're good. You're good. You're good. You're safe. What's up? Thank you. I think I grew up...

In a very traditional or old school way of living. I lived in Mexico for two years with my grandparents. Okay. And it was very difficult because I had to help my family raise my siblings. And so I think I had to listen to them a lot and follow their directions. And there's a lot of trauma, all that stuff. And I think when I...

My mid-20s, I started thinking that I need to heal all this trauma. And I think I live with a lot of fear still. And a lot of it holds me back from pursuing dreams and ambitions. And I just need a little bit of guidance. Very cool. Okay. Well, congratulations on saying no more. Yes. Thank you. And I'm proud of you because you know what you're doing. You're thinking of three generations from now.

Yeah. And it takes a bold step to just stop and turn and face the fire. Yeah. Good on you. Thank you. And know that analogy sounds good stitched on a pillow, but when you turn and face a fire, it also means you on behalf of the generations that will come after you get burned up too. Yeah. Okay. So it's part, it's, it's just, it's not a bug. It's, I mean, it's a feature, right? It's part of stopping generational hurt. So tell me something that you're scared of. Um, yeah.

I think so. I, um, I started my own little side business and I'm having a hard time, um, you know, putting up content on social media, um, going out to pass out flyers. Um, just, um, what do you mean? Like, um, reaching out to clients. Okay. So the marketing part.

Yeah, and I think a lot of it is I'm a little shy and I'm also afraid to... I think I get complacent in the moment. They don't want to talk to me, so I think I'm just going to leave it and try to find a new client. What's the name of one of your younger nieces or nephews? Just give me a random name. Emil. Okay, Emil. So imagine...

A meal was choking in a restaurant and you don't know the Heimlich maneuver. Yeah. You saw this, somebody hurting. You saw somebody who needed something. What would you do? I think in the, in the moment for, for him, I would maybe like stick my hand in there. You can't do it. You don't know how. Okay. I don't know how. What would you do? I would, I would,

Ask someone for help or call 911. Okay. Would you ask for help? Excuse me. A meal's choking. I'm sorry to bother you. A meal's choking. How would you get people's attention? I would probably yell for help. There you go. Yeah. Okay. So it's in there. When you saw somebody who needed something desperately, you would have no problem turning and yelling to a restaurant.

Hey, help! Somebody help! Right? Yeah. What's your side business? I'm a spray tan artist. Okay. What's the business? So I go and I provide a service to people that are looking to get a nice golden tan. I may or may not need that service. I may or may not be one of the paler people who's ever lived. Okay, so if...

You went and got certified to be a spray tan artist. Mm-hmm. And you're doing that because you want to avoid a clock in and clock out job. Or you have this picture of owning businesses and making six figures. Mm-hmm. Or you really kind of want to have a reputation like she's kind of cool because she's good at making people look better. Yeah. Yeah.

You're a naturally quiet, I don't want to bother people kind of person. Yeah. If it's a, it's a making a marketing material. I hate the word content, but that's the word. That's the world we're in making, putting that message out. Hey, I want y'all to help me make six figures. I want y'all to see how good my work is. Some people are wired for that. I'm not, you're not.

If you wake up every day and say, hey, there are people who don't like what they see when they look in the mirror. And I believe everyone has inherent beauty. And I've learned this craft where I can help accentuate people's beauty and give them a moment of peace from how awful they talk to themselves. You would scream at the top of your lungs to get that message out. I can help you exhale when you look in the mirror. You're beautiful and I see it. I'm going to help you see it too.

Okay. And so it's the same thing. But what I found in my life that in my personal life is when I get excited about doing something that's just for me, I don't like talking about it. I feel weird about it. And when I make like an ad or I put something on social media about it, you can see it coming a mile away. Like, Hey, what's up bros? This is John. I've got this thing I want you to buy. Yeah. Right. But like, I just put out some new conversation cards about sex and intimacy.

I mean, listen to the show. So many people are struggling because they're married to someone. They love somebody and they don't know how to say I'm struggling in this area. Yeah. And now I've got this tiny little thing that costs like 15 bucks or something that will give you a path. Like I'm passionate about this one or the parents and kids, like parents want to talk to the kids. Kids want to talk to their parents and they don't know how silly is that sounds. Here we are. I'm going to, I'm going to give you a tool. I'll talk about that till the end of time.

So I think the first thing is asking yourself not what do you want to do. Ask yourself, who am I waking up every day to serve and to help? And I don't, I think you'll find over time your fear about calling out and telling that message will go away. It will greatly lessen because you would have no problem screaming to help out a meal.

No, right you have no problem just because just talking to you You have a you have a pretty amazing spirit about you If your friend came and sat with you and she was like I just feel so ugly You would not you would not think twice of getting real close to her face and looking her dead in the eyes and saying You are beautiful. Would you yeah? No, I wouldn't. Yeah, exactly. That's who you are. Yeah, okay So here's the second part. What does your fear get you?

Nothing. No, it's serving a role. It's serving a purpose. Okay. What is it giving you? I don't know. I don't know how to answer that. Can I take a couple of just guesses and you tell me if I'm wrong or if I'm right? Okay. The idea of you being doing art growing up in the home you grew up was silly. It was kid stuff. You got pushed into a maternal role. You had to be mom at a real young age. Yeah.

The idea that you're going to do art, that you're going to do beauty. Shut up. We got those mouths to feed. You need to go there and get those kids bait. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so what your body knows, your nervous system knows, your soul knows to get all woo about it. That deep down, the thing that you feel like you're best at doesn't matter. It's not that big of a deal. Nobody cares.

And so what your fear gives you is protection against somebody else telling you that the thing that you think is important doesn't matter again. Your fear is protecting you from getting your heart stomped on again and again and again. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Okay. The marketplace is mean. The marketplace isn't nice. It doesn't care about your feelings. It cares about service. Can you serve other people? And how much is it going to cost me?

And so to enter into the marketplace, you're entering back into a world that got you hurt for most of your childhood. And that's a world of, I believe I have value. I believe I have a cool way of doing life. And people said, I don't care what you think. I don't care what you feel. Get those kids fed and get them bathed up and get them to bed. I'm watching TV. And so I want you to see your body, your boundaries, your fear. Your body's working perfectly given the circumstances you were raised in.

You're not messed up or broken. Okay. Do you get that? I want you to hear that. There's nothing wrong with you. Given what's happened to you in your life, your body's working perfectly. What you are trying to do is learn how to do something new. And so here's what I mean by that. You ever driven a standard, like a car that's got a clutch? I've tried, but I've not gotten it down. So my first car was a standard. I've driven a standard for like, what, 20, 30 years, forever.

Uh manual, um says kelly kelly gpt. Um, there are manuals, right? So um When you first start trying to drive a manual it's gonna buck and kick because you're not gonna get that ratio of gas pedal and clutch, right? You know what i'm saying? After driving one for 30 years, it should smooth out a little bit and if it starts getting really rough and you got a problem Yeah, you are learning how to do a whole new thing and that is

Put yourself out there. Start a small business. Say, hey, I have a talent and I think I can help you. I see something in you you don't see. And it's going to go, right? Because it's new. Yeah. Yeah. But if you were helping Emil learn how to drive a manual, a standard, you'd be really graceful with him the first couple of times you're driving. Never done it before. Of course, you're going to be bucking and kicking in the car stalling. Of course you are. Yeah. Tell me about your self-imposed boundary.

Well, I think a lot of people see my potential, you know, like my friends and like my loved ones, they all see that I'm capable of doing things. But again, I just hold myself back every time. And I think when I'm on my own, like if I'm, if I'm going somewhere by myself, I know how to do things and I'm independent. But then like once I'm in the, like in the

in the presence of my friends or, you know, like at work, I think I kind of pull back and I'm, I'm not as competent. Um, and I think that also holds me back. Like, I don't know how, I don't know if there's a term for that, but, um, I just kind of dim myself and just follow someone's lead. But then I don't,

Follow the lead correctly because I'll mess up or something and then I'm just like oh Then it that causes me a little bit of insecurity and i'm like, oh my god. I suck at this, you know Yeah, well, there's two sides to that. Um sucking at something isn't a bad thing Okay If you sucked at something and it got you hit across the face growing up, that's another thing Yeah, if you sucked at something and somebody said that's why your mom left, you know because of your attitude

Yeah. Then yeah, you're going to spend your whole adult life trying not to suck at things because it's an act of war in your body. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Did I hit that nail on the head right there? I think you're right. Yeah. Somebody actually did say that to me. I know they did. About my fat. Yeah. I know they did. And hey, it wasn't true. No. Wasn't true. And what your body has learned over the course of your life is that when other people are around, it is your job to make sure everybody has what they need and to shut your mouth.

And I'm sorry that you were treated that way, but it was wrong. And you get to choose what happens next. Yeah. And so it's about practicing. And for someone like you, Bella, you know what I would do? I would tell my friends, I'm practicing being more assertive now. You'll actually have to get over it and they'll all laugh. Like, whatever, Bella. Yeah. Okay. But I bet they'd go along with you, wouldn't they? They would.

And when it comes to putting out ads or marketing materials, make a commitment to the only person that matters right now, Bella. I will do five a day, period. I'm just going to do five a day. I will send five emails, five client reach outs. I will do five social media. I don't care what the thing is. I don't know what the thing is there in California. I will do five a day. And when those five are done, I'm finished for the day.

Yeah, I'm just gonna do five. That's all the that's all of the um stomping on my spirit I can handle but what you're gonna find is your body's gonna learn over time You're not gonna die And in fact, you're much stronger than you think you are You just have to like tiptoe out on that ledge and you're gonna realize it's not a ledge The word that keeps coming to mind is you gotta practice you gotta practice you gotta practice You gotta practice being uncomfortable. You gotta practice failing you gotta practice somebody saying your spray tan sucks and going That doesn't feel good

I got 10 more clients today. Either they're right, I got to do better or whatever. Okay. And I'm going to go to the next thing. But listen, the things that kept you safe as a kid are going to destroy your small business. They're going to destroy your adult relationships. They're going to continue to erode your own belief in you. And it's time to not let those voices from your childhood, those nonsensical voices continue to have a seat at the table in your life anymore.

You're not welcome here anymore, voices. It's time for y'all to go. And you're going to look around at a bunch of empty chairs and you have to fill them up with people who love you and care about you and who are willing to walk alongside you, let you fail, cheer you on. I'm going to be honest with you. I think you're on the right path. I think you just need to come down, impose some symptoms on yourself. I will do five a day.

I will make one phone call. When I get uncomfortable, I'm just going to put my fist in my chest. I'm going to hold it there. I'm going to keep making the phone call. I'm going to keep making the piece of content. I'm going to keep making the flyer. I am going to send these out to people because I'm here to help other people feel beautiful. I'm here to accentuate people, give them amazing photo shoots and amazing weddings and whatever else the thing is because I'm here to serve. I'm here to lift other people up.

And what I think you're going to find is a, you're stronger than you think you are. And B, all those years of keeping your eyes open to keep you safe, reading a room is going to make you amazing. When somebody walks in sheepishly for the first time and says, I don't feel beautiful. Can you help me feel beautiful? And you're going to go, Oh man, sit, sit down or come here into the booth. I got you. And you're going to be a gift.

Thanks for the call, sister. I'm grateful for you. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift to you. I want you to read it all the way through, and I want you to use it as a roadmap to slowly start practicing a new way to walk through this crazy, crazy world. You're a blessing. Talk to you soon. We'll be right back.

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I trust Thorne. My family trusts Thorne. And you can trust Thorne, too. Kelly, what did I put on the Internet? All right. You said, my wife has been out of town for several days. When she got home today, I was overwhelmed by how much I missed my friend. I was so happy she was home. This led me to think. I used to think love and marriage were only about fireworks and hot feelings. And sometimes they are.

But after years of hard, hard work, I'm finding a good marriage is when two people can't wait to hang out with each other, even after all the heartache, the do-overs, and challenges. If your marriage is barely hanging on, know this. The work and the forgiveness and the healing is worth it. I promise you, a good marriage is worth it. My wife was out of town for days this time, and it was hard, man. It was real hard. And the first night I was mad. The second day I was frustrated and meh.

And I guess I was just reflecting last night. Like, I couldn't wait till she got home just to hang out. Like, I just miss my buddy, right? And it wasn't about like, I need some help around here. It wasn't that at all. In fact, by the time she got back, she'd been gone long enough. She's gone for days this time. We'd gotten into a routine. Me and the kids, we're in a routine. We were laughing. We were being goofy. Josephine and I had worked through our demons. And whoa, there were demons. We worked through them. Like, we were just in it. And then it was like,

oh man i missed my buddy like some things happened and i guess just in a moment of reflection uh man if you had told me five years ago six years ago ten years ago when things were real real rough between us um that i wouldn't i would just want her to come home and not because like oh yeah now let's go to not because of that but just because i missed my buddy um i never would have believed you and i never would have thought that was true

And here we are. And so it was just a cool, I don't know, just a cool little moment I had when it's like, I'm so glad I didn't quit. I'm so glad we sat at the table and said, I'll rebuild this thing if you will. And let's do this thing together. Because I never could have imagined that here I am with two knuckleheaded kids who I love who are just being maniacal and too many dogs in the house and all this stuff.

I just want my buddy to come hang out. I want my buddy to come home. And I just, I never would have seen that coming. It was pretty cool. So if you're struggling, hang in there. If you've got to rebuild, rebuild. I'm just telling you it's worth it. It's worth it. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.