I Picture My Husband With Other Women
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Hey, what's up? The team at Ramsey Solutions is giving away $5,000 in the Ramsey Christmas Cash Giveaway. Don't miss your chance to win some cash at ramsesolutions.com slash giveaway. Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I am struggling with a decision that I know is morally wrong. The idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I have talked to him about potentially having an open marriage. Are you trying to outsource...

The sexual part of your relationship? Somebody else. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. So grateful that you've joined us. You want to be on this show. Here's what I do. I sit with hurting people or people just trying to figure out what's the next right move in my life, in my relationships, in my psychological life. Whatever you got going on in psychological life, that's not even a thing.

But I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash askask.

Okay, and we'll get you squared up. All right, let's go out to Seattle and talk to Dawn. Hey, Dawn, what's happening? Hey, how's it going? Doing good. How about you? Well, I am doing okay. All right. So what's up? I'm talking to you, so... Some would say not okay, but... Right. What's up? Excuse me. Well, I am struggling with a decision that I know...

is morally wrong. I am a new Christian. Okay. So I'm finding my path there. And I know that this is morally wrong, but I still want to... I feel like I still want to explore it. Okay. I feel...

like very turned on and very attracted about the idea of my husband being with another woman. Okay. And you, and you, and you participating, you watching you being there or just the idea of it happening?

A little bit of all of the above. I don't know if I necessarily want to watch, but the idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I've talked to him about potentially having an open marriage, but I don't want to bring another man in.

Into it. Like I have a zero desire to be with anybody else. The way you just said it's like, I don't want another man. Like men are gross. You know, a lot of them are. Hey, trust me. Yes, you're correct. So, so dig into this with me. Okay. Okay. So jealousy can be a powerful, powerful aphrodisiac. Okay. Is this about jealousy?

a sense of aliveness and jealousy and your heart rate would get up and there'd be this moment of like, or tell me more about it. What, like when you picture this in your mind or maybe you don't even picture it in your mind, but you, you go through the exercise of, tell me about it. Well, I'm not sure if it's a,

jealousy thing, or maybe it is once I describe it. It's also kind of the idea of another woman finds my husband attractive and wants to be with my husband. And that is a really big compliment to me because then I just kind of look at it as though like, hey, someone else wants to be with

My husband and I am lucky enough that he chose me and that I get to be with him all the time. And there's also a power dynamic where you get to give him permission. Oh. Like almost as you're, not as much as your control over him, as much as you're in control of the other woman's desire. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Because it sounds like your husband in this exchange is the variable. He's the pawn in the chess game. The chess match is actually between you and other women. Interesting. And this may be the most amazing conversation to have with a baby in the background. I was trying to keep him quiet. No, it happens. It's life. He's not even two, so. No, no, no. It makes this conversation even more rich because why not?

Um, right, exactly. So tell me about that. Where, let me, let me ask you this. Where do you feel powerless with other women in your life? Oh, with other women specifically. Um, that's going to be, I, I feel like a little bit of that is my mom. Um,

feeling powerless there, but that's not, I'm not quite sure if that's, that's some of it. Um, let's see, as far as powerless with other women. Let me ask you this. Let me ask a deeper question. Where, where do you feel powerless in your own sexuality? So that has been

I have felt pretty powerless since kids. Tell me about it. I've got a, yeah, I've got a three-year-old and almost two-year-old and my body of course is not the same. I had two C-sections. So then it's really not the same because I just, there's certain parts of my body that I'll, it'll just never be the way that it was. And then I had a hysterectomy on top of that just this past, in February, just this past year or yeah, earlier this year. And,

So my body keeps fluctuating, which then of course doesn't make me feel very good about myself, which then of course doesn't make me want to be intimate with him. And then I've had a lot of health issues as well, which bring me a lot of pain, which then of course makes me not want to be physical. Like vaginismus, like intercourse pain or pain...

Mainly pain elsewhere. Like it'll hurt my back and my hips. And like I've been in pain afterwards. Yeah. And so then that makes me not want to be intimate. And then I also feel bad.

that I can't give that part of our marriage to my husband. When back before kids and things like that, we were very physical all the time. So maybe I was wrong. Are you trying to outsource yourself? In what way? What do you mean? Are you trying to outsource the sexual part of your relationship to somebody else?

Sometimes. And it's not that I don't want to. I enjoy sex with my husband. I actually enjoy our sex life when it is there. It's just, it's few and far between these days, between just having young kids and being in pain and all these things and me not feeling very confident about my body. I then feel bad about

And I feel like my husband's physical needs are not being met and that they should be met. And that I'm... So because of that, I'm okay with, or at least I think I am. Intellectually, yeah, yeah. And I say it out loud. Yeah. Yeah. In theory. Have you talked to him about... Not so much the threesome or not so much him being with another woman, like open marriage, polyamory, not that. Have you...

about or not polyamory that was the wrong word consensual non-monogamy right have you talked with him about what you just told me I have yes I don't feel beautiful I don't feel like I am the person that you deserve I like being with you and I can imagine how it would be kind of erotic to be the puppet master for somebody else being with you

That sounds kind of like I'd be in control and it would be cool because I feel out of control because I want to be with you. My body is not participating right now. I haven't said it exactly like that. And if I say it exactly like that, it'll be perfect because, you know, you know what you're talking about. So does that ring true? Does that, I don't want to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but does that ring true? No, that you hit the nail on the head. So what is, what is, what does he say? What does he say? Um,

He says that he understands.

about, about the physical and about like about, about the pain. He, he gets it. Um, because he's been with me from the beginning or for all of this. And he understands. Um, and the last thing he wants to do is cause me pain. You know, he doesn't want to see me cry after we've been intimate because I'm in so much pain, which has happened. Um, and,

And he also then relates. I've told him that I don't feel great about my body. And he said that he also relates because his body has also changed over the 10 years that we've been together. And he doesn't feel very confident about his either. Okay. So I'll just say this kind of abruptly and boldly. Mm-hmm. I think that fantasies are actually really important. And I think that...

They can be incredibly powerful if they are discussed among like you and your husband, if you'll talk about them, but there's a sense of curiosity and playfulness, not a sense of, oh my gosh, right? Not a sense of judgment and how dare you. Okay. So I think they can be very important. I will also tell you that reality will, if you think you have self-doubt now, it will blow your world apart.

You get what I'm saying? I do, yeah. And so I don't want you to beat yourself up for thought crimes. And I don't want you to keep secrets from him. And my hope for all marriages and all relationships is that there can be some sort of playful, hey, dude, I had a crazy dream last night. No, not with my old college roommate. Like, where is that, right? Like, my hope is that people can have that conversation because it's not real. It didn't happen.

Right. Right. But the second order, I think in our, in our current ethos and our current world, if you have a feeling or if you have a fantasy, if you have an idea that pops into your head as a resolution for a real life challenge, or even forget the challenge, I just want to, I want to feel powerful. I want to, I want to experience whatever puppet mastering, right? That it's somehow wrong to not do it. And I guess I've just sat in the ash of, I thought this was a good idea.

So much with so many different people, man. And so what you just told me was way, way more powerful than the idea of I want to open up my marriage or I'm kind of turned on by the idea of having the kind of husband that would be so desirable that other women would be with him and I get to be the gatekeeper. Like that fantasy is not uncommon, by the way. And it's not, what do I say?

It doesn't make you crazy or weird, but I'm way more compelled by the story underneath it that you've lost your identity that you had as a woman because now your body is a factory. It's a machine to keep two kids alive, and you've lost your what you believe is eros and womanhood, and you've lost connection, and you don't look like you used to. Your husband admits to you, I'm kind of ashamed of how I look now. That to me is...

My goodness. I wish you could see from where I'm sitting how rich that soil is for you all to build a new marriage from. Because the marriage as you had it is over. It's gone. It was awesome. And now the choice is, do we want to blow it up or do we want to create a new kind, a different kind of awesome? We get to pick that. And so my natural next question is, have you gone to a physical therapist and said, hey,

I want to have lots and lots of reckless wild sex. And every time in this position, my legs hurt, my back hurts. I want to go down a rabbit hole and figure this out. Not to quote unquote please my man, because I want it. Right.

Not a physical therapist, but I am in, like I'm in Cairo who does, she also does physical therapy, like exercises and stuff. I'm in that three days a week. Is it working? Other therapies. Not yet. Okay. How long? I have been, oh gosh. It's been probably five months.

Five or six months, but about two months ago, I got into a car accident, which made it worse. So now I'm kind of... Starting over? Yeah, so I'm trying to start over basically when I wasn't really making much progress to begin with. I would love for you to make an appointment if you can afford it, even if it means skipping a chiropractic appointment for a while with a physical therapist, a trained physical therapist in your area and fully lay out, here's my challenges. Okay. I would love for you just to explore it. Okay. Yeah.

I would also love you and your husband to sit down and explore. Hey, I'm sure he's got fantasies too. He's lived in this house with you also. I think those, I think in a strange way they could be, and by the way, you can abuse people with your fantasies too.

Right, you can be like i'm just trying to tell you the truth, right? I remember i'm sitting with a young married couple and the guy was like at the mall and he's like dude I would love to be with her and i'd be like you're an idiot, right? Like he was overly graphic and like just moronic. You can hit people over the head with quote-unquote truth also, right? Right. Um, so I would love for y'all to sit down and say okay here we are. I don't feel good I don't like how I look you don't like how you look we got two kids all the time My body is not my own right now for this season

What does friendship look like? What does laughter look like? What does intimacy look like? What does, okay, having traditional, regular, reckless sex, it's off the table right now. What else can we do? How can we get creative and make the creativity part of the playfulness and part of the novelty?

And I think it's exploring what does novelty look like? Because novelty is important. What does novelty look like inside the bounds of this covenant you and I made that it's you and I ride or die till the end of time? Do you get what I'm saying? I do. I'm just taking it all in. Because it used to be a thing. I mean, my husband and I used to tease each other all the time and like kind of provoke, you know, provoke each other throughout the day for that buildup. Yes.

It's that sense of aliveness. How do I get my heart rate up? Yeah. And I think what the data tells me is the illusion is once a heart rate settles in inside of a marriage relationship, the only way to get my heart rate back up is to go seek it elsewhere, whether it's pornography, whether it is an extramarital affair, or it's just big time flirting, or it is fantasies that slowly possibly open the door to reality. Yeah.

And I think the challenge, which I think is the best part, not the best part of being married, but one of the top parts is what kind of crazy adventure can two people go on that they are constantly trying to out heart rate raise each other? I like that. Heart rate raise. What an amazing adventure. That's awesome. But that means y'all both have to be able to talk. And that's why I love the fact that you're already able to say, I've got this like weird fantasy that makes no sense logically. Let's put it on the table.

And I, I needed, I want to affirm you every email blog. You, I mean, every blog you read, every sub stack you read, every, everything's going to tell you to go do it. It's the new cool thing. And I just, I think you're going to think you're going to blow it, blow it all up. Yeah. I'm not convinced. Well, and that's why I wanted to call because I'm not convinced it, it is the actual right quote unquote thing to do. It's a Xanax to cover up the fact that you love this man to the, to the moon and back. Yeah.

I do. And you don't feel like you're enough. And then God bless America. Come find out. He doesn't feel like he's enough. Yeah. And so I'm going to outsource how I feel. I'm going to feel a little powerful in the process and he's going to go along with something he didn't want to do because he wants to love me. And then you're going to be sitting in the ash going, what have we done? Cause you can't walk that one back. Right. But man, you want to talk about some amazing erotic energy. It's two people sitting down across the table being like, well, we blew our lives up. We have two young kids and,

oh yeah, now we get to do it. We get to do whatever we want moving forward. What is raising your heart rate look like in this season? What is you feeling alive in this season look like? Well, for me, it sucks with the lights off for a while because, you know, right? It's put on the table. And then it's like, all right, well, you used to send flirty texts and they don't do it for me anymore. But you know what does do it for me anymore? Just a note in my bag, in my briefcase. You looking me in the eyes and grabbing my face and saying, tonight,

I'm going to figure something out. It's going to be different, but I'll figure something out. You better come home ready. You know what I'm saying? Or call and leave an awful things on his answering machine. I don't know. You, you get to decide what it is, right? Who knows what it is? Answering machine. I like how you said answering machine. I know I'm 114 years old. That's awesome. Yeah. I want you to show up on a pony with a letter, right? I don't, I don't know. Yeah. But y'all get to decide that. And,

underneath almost all of our fantasies is always a fear, is always a desire. And where I see marriage, the reason I have so much faith in marriage is that when you have two people locked in into the curiosity over judgment, not just cramming each other's desire underwater or burying it in concrete or shaming somebody, but saying, that sounds nuts, tell me more. Or let's dig into that. All right, all right, I'll hear your dream. It's gonna be, all right, let's do it.

And I can feel my like, dude, I'm starting to feel like crazy jealous. I'm starting to get angry. Like, why is that? Where's that? Digging into those conversations. That's intimacy. And everybody listening to this talking about fantasies is not something you just wing at somebody talking about like, dude, I had a crazy dream. It did not include you. And it was uncomfortable and weird. And I didn't like it. Or I kind of was like, got my heart rate all up weird. Oh my gosh. Tell me about that. Like,

There's a way to not weaponize that and to not be graphic and to not be overly abusive with it. But to lean into curiosity and lean into fun and lean into, ah, but I just want to, Dawn, I want to tell you, you're not crazy. I don't think you're nuts. I think your leap has an algorithm to it. It makes sense. But I want to reverse that algorithm. I don't want to just blow your life up. I don't want you to look in the mirror and say, no, no, no. I'm still an amazing woman.

It looks different now. My life is different. My body's different. My heart's the same. I'm worth feeling well. I'm worth pursuing sex and intimacy because I want it. My husband's worth that because I love him and I like it with him. So what must be true, let's move forward. Let's go start working through all of it and we can do this together. Thank you for that call, Dawn. It's pretty impressive, pretty amazing. Appreciate you calling and being open and vulnerable. I'm 100% sure that your vulnerability is going to help a whole, whole lot of people. Don't blow your life up, kid.

I think you all got a pretty amazing marriage ahead of you. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, the month of November is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person we'd like to shout out for helping us along the way. I'd like to take a moment to shout out two people who have helped transform my life, the great Marilyn Fannin and the powerful Dr. Jean-Noel Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance professionally when no one should have, and she brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me.

And Jean-Noel taught me how to be a dad and a husband and a professional and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time thanks to Marilyn and Jean-Noel. And for all of you listeners, I know you have people in your life that you are grateful for, and I hope that you stop and thank them at least every once in a while. But for all of us, there's one person that we often don't take time to thank.

ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving, we're inching and moving forward, and most of us are grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and hopefully a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, thanking ourselves is not easy. So here's my reminder. Thank the people in your life, including you.

And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially in the holiday season.

And that's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it's convenient for your schedule. You get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

Let the gratitude flow this holiday season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.

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Well, my question is, you know, my parents lived on our property and they've been with us for about a year. How exactly do I navigate setting a boundary with them to move off of our property and also kind of maintain the integrity of our relationship as it can get a little rocky with my mom at times? You can't do both.

Yes. You can keep your integrity. Or let me say this. Integrity comes from the, like, I don't want to be too nerdy. It's integer. It's whole, right? So you can't both tell your parents, I want you to not live on our property anymore. And also be responsible for the totality of that relationship. Because it's two of you. Or it's three of you.

Mm-hmm. What you can do is treat your mom and is your dad involved too? That's my stepdad, yeah. Okay. So you can treat both of them with dignity and respect. You can give them a timeline. You can put it all in writing. You can be very, very clear. But if they want to act like children and whiny babies and throw a fit, then they get to do that too.

Gotcha. Because it's kind of what's happening. You know, I set the boundary about a week ago and I, you know, I'd expressed to them, you know, my husband and I, the last few years has been really rough. You know, we were taking care of my husband's dad for a while who had chronic, you know, he had kidney problems and we're doing dialysis for him for two years. And then he passed, unfortunately, in the home. And then a couple months after that,

My husband's mother got really sick. I quit my job, took care of her for four months in the home, and then she started doing better. Thank God, miraculously, she's back doing so much better. But then...

And my mom and stepdad show up and he, you know, my dad needed to have some medical procedures done to take care of some things. And we told them, yes, it's absolutely fine. You can stay in the RV on our property until you get everything taken care of. Well, that time has passed and it's been about a year now. And my husband and I really just need a break. We need our space. Yeah.

And I just can't emotionally cater to my mom like I used to when I was a kid. She's literally the only person on the face of the planet I have a hard time setting a boundary with. So it just makes it difficult. For some reason, and I don't know why, the way you're using the phrase, I need to set a boundary, you need to set a boundary, that almost like...

I don't know. I don't know that that's the right word here. I'm just, I don't know why I'm kind of stuck. I just keep looping on me. Let's get a little more businessy. Okay. Your parents need to move off your property. Yes. And it doesn't need to be this...

I got to set a boundary and this big, like, modern psychological intervention. Like, I need my mom and dad to move off my property. They've stayed for a year, and I need to ask them what their plan is. So when you talked to them a week ago, what did they say?

Well, I expressed why. And they said that they understood and the conversation seemed like it went really well. I think the hardest thing I'm struggling with is my mom's reaction because she can be extremely childish. And she decided to take a picture of my stepdad while I guess he was in bed, I guess upset about me asking them to leave. And she sent me a picture and then she said, you broke his heart.

Like a few hours after we'd had the conversation, which I had thought had gone really well and was very understood. Sure. Okay. So let's, let's, let's go to write that moment. You get that text from your mom. You even described it to me as childish, right? It's what, it's what my 14 year old would do. Yes. And he's, he's, it's not childish as though it's just very immature. I'm going to send a picture to somebody. You see what I'm saying? Like, okay, cool. So it happened.

Yes. What can you control in that moment? My reaction. There you go. And so let me give you permission. Hold on. Let me give you permission. You get to be really sad. Yeah. It's not supposed to be like that. You gave your parents a year and you want parents that are rooting for you so hard that they're like, dude, we've been here a year. We got to go. Y'all need your life back. Y'all been caring for adults for the last five years. You need a break.

Yeah. That's how it's supposed to be. And y'all are supposed to be like, no, no, no, no, no. Y'all can keep living here. It's fine because they're so great to have around. That's the fantasy, right? Yeah, it is. So you get to be sad about that and you don't have to respond. Yeah. I think I did respond and I said, you know, it was never intended to be that way and I'm really sorry. Yeah. And the problem with that response, which is actually honest and good and whatever is, is

It opens the door a little bit. Oh, you never intended to? Well, you did, so let's make it right. Mm-hmm. Right? And it's like, no, no, no, no, we're not going to make it right. We are making it right. Did you give them a date?

I told them that we wanted to have, within the next month, our own space and have you guys have a plan. But I know that they live full-time in their RV. They are in very limited income. So they do have to save up a little bit and prep for where they're going to go. And that was the biggest thing for me asking them to leave is because I know that they really and truly don't have another home base to go to. But it's just not really...

I was getting to the point where I was feeling like this isn't my responsibility because you're in dire straits financially. Like I've helped out as much as I can, but at some point, like there's just an end to that and I just can't keep doing it for them because it's been like this off and on, even in my previous marriage, the same thing kind of happened, you know, eight years ago. How old are they? My stepdad is 70. My mom is 61. Yeah.

I don't want to be crass, but she's got to go get a job.

Yeah. And that's the thing I've offered that. And, you know, she has got a lot of like... And this is the thing that she likes to throw on my head to make me feel sorry for her. And I hate saying it like that, but where it comes from, where it comes off from her is, is that, you know, she's had a really traumatic life and gone through a lot of things. And so she just states, like, I have social anxiety. I'm absolutely incapable of... She can't go to the grocery store by herself. Like, she just... But she won't go to therapy. And...

And, you know, it's been a round and round circle to where she clings to my stepdad. And, like, he can't even leave the room without her, like, wondering where he's at, needing him to be right there. She definitely needs a lot of, like, help, you know, therapy-wise. But she just hasn't made that a priority for herself. She likes to use it as the whole world hates me, everyone's against me, and I'm going to sit in that. I'm sorry. Yeah, it makes it really rough.

i wish i had a better answer for you i'm just i'm just i'm heartbroken for you i'm sorry um yeah i i think the the the path forward is if you and your husband have decided like it's time for y'all to go um then what i would tell you is clear as kind here's the date here's our expectation um and then i think it's worth you and your husband exploring what are we actually gonna do we gonna evict them

Are we going to have their trailer towed off our property to a nearby place? Like, what is the or what here? Because if there is no or what, we're not going to actually do that. We're not going to actually kick them off. Then I'd go ahead and exhale and make peace. They may never leave. Or no, no, no, no, we're at a place we're going to have them towed off of here. Okay, let them know that on this date, this is the drop-dead date, we're going to have your trailer towed. I'll help you get a job. I'll help you with counseling. I'll help you with these other things, but I can't participate in this anymore.

Sorry, Lynn. I hate that for you. You can control what you do, but you can't control the impact on the relationship. That's something you'll have to do together. And often when we draw, like you said, concrete boundaries or we make tough business decisions, other people make choices on their own. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to Minnesota and talk to Jose. Hey, Jose, what's up, man? Hey, John. Thanks for having me on. You got it, brother. What's up? So I was calling because the question I have is how can I support my wife and help her find rest between being a full-time nurse and then raising kids? Are you a full-time nurse or she's a full-time nurse? She is. She is. Okay. What do you do, man?

Uh, I work for a FinTech company. I work from home. Okay. So what's the question beneath this question? Uh, well, I don't know. Like she, you know, my wife, she works long hours and she's just really tired a lot. You know, she's, she's, I feel like she's running on fumes most of the time and I feel bad because I, you know, I, I try to help. And sometimes, you know, I don't, I sometimes I don't know how she wants to be helped or how, um,

to help her in general. So have you said, Hey honey, I would love to help out around here. And I don't know how to, I don't know how to help. Can you give me a roadmap for the help that you need? Uh, not, not like that. No. All right. What about your marriage makes that question scary? Cause that seems like the most logical, that's actually like a FinTech question. Like what's the next, what's the next test to run? Yeah, no, I don't, I don't know. I'm not sure. I mean, yeah, I guess I just haven't asked her like that. We've had conversations about like,

how I can help more but I guess there's times where I feel I mean there's times where I offer you know things on how to help but then it's like not yeah that's that's that was a nice way of saying I like to tell her how this should be done yeah yeah that's true yeah so here's where I think you can get beneath it and above it at the same time okay

And I don't know how that's logically possible, but I just made that up, so go with me, okay? Or it's not geographically possible. How old is your little baby? We have two. So we have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Okay. So, rest... Drop your shoulders from your ears and rest assured that with a four-year-old and a two-year-old and two full-time working parents, one working from home, one working in a helping profession who's got its own secondary trauma attached to it. So...

Exhale and know that you're not crazy, that your sex life is blown up. You feel like you've lost your best friend in the chaos of just diapers and exchanges and who's picking up what and I got to get this kid to what and this one needs to eat and can you pick up this on the way home? You're not crazy. And also realize that she probably misses you too. Yeah. And there's something powerful about a couple getting away from this madness, even if it's for two or three hours.

and calling out, and you can literally listen to this call because it sounds like you love her and you're trying to figure out how do I help, right? And I want to applaud you. Before I start lecturing, I want to applaud you. What I did in your exact situation, we had one kid and several pregnancy losses, okay? What I did in your situation was I understood that I didn't know what was going on or how to,

And so I figured the best way I could help my family was just to go make a bunch of money. And I figured the best gift I could give my wife and my new kid was to not be around. And I want to applaud you for being a man who's not doing that.

You're trying to figure ways to plug back in and it's like you're trying to find a plug behind the bed and you're just like trying to find where the outlet is and you're just like jamming it up against the sheet rock and it won't go into the outlet. I applaud you for not just dropping it and saying, I'm just going to go without light for a while. Good for you. Yeah. Okay. So I think there's great power and grieving and joy and excitement and fear, all of those things together by y'all two getting away and saying, okay,

everything about our marriage is different now. We don't have the same marriage we did. Now we have two kids. Now we have to put sex on the calendar. Now we have to put exercise in the calendar. Now we have to be more intentional about budgeting money. Now we have to be more intentional about not taking the next promotion without talking about it with each other or just taking overtime without talking about it with each other because every move we have affects three people, not just one. Yep.

And here's the beautiful thing. Y'all get to pick what coming next looks like. And I think it's in this context where you sit down and you say, I knew how to love you. We dated for a while. We were married for a while. I knew how to love you. And I want you to help me with the new roadmap to helping you feel loved. How can I best love you and these two kids in this wild new season? And by the way, as soon as you slowly get the handle of this,

It's going to change. Then one of your kids is going to start elementary school and then the other kid's going to just start smearing cha-cha on the walls just because why not, right? It's going to continue to change and continue to change and continue to change. And that to me has become my favorite part of my marriage is the back to the drawing board. All right, we get to build the next one, right? We get to build a new one and it's exhausting sometimes. I don't love it all the time because I like consistency, but man, I've just come to love. All right. We've never been married with a high school kid. Yeah.

What does that look like? What do you want it to look like? What do you want it to feel like? And then reverse engineering it, which is your specialty and making it happen. That's amazing, right? But you have to be vulnerable and say, I don't know how. That's true. That's true. I don't know how. Well, and that can be scary for her. And also, man, what a gift to have a husband that says, I want to be all in and I don't know how to do this next phase. Will you give me a roadmap back to your heart? Yeah. And by the way, here's mine. I miss my wife. Yeah, it's good.

Is that fair? No, I think it is for sure. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's been, you know, I mean, we seem always so busy and we don't really...

get a ton of time together to have those type of conversations. And so, you know, everything happens so fast. Yes. You know, like we, we weren't expecting our first daughter. It wasn't planned or anything. So, you know, part of you misses having, you know, that time with your significant other that you didn't really have. Jose. All of me. All of me misses that. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it's, yeah. So it's hard to get, you know, it's a process to get, you know, all in on,

The new season. Yes. And, but that's why I say you guys spend some time in grief. I want y'all both to hold hands and look across the table and be like, remember we just had sex all over the place. Whatever. Remember we had all this, we didn't have any money, but we felt like we had a million dollars. Remember we could just like watch the office until we fell asleep. Remember that? And now we have to like, you know, like I totally like it's okay to, to miss those days with all your guts. Yeah.

It's okay. You don't have to like hedge it. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids and you don't love the new world y'all are going to create together. In fact, I would say the more you pretend it's like, well, you know, but now we've got these kids. We love them. It's not honest. Right.

And so almost like there'd be cool. I don't know if y'all have done this and I don't mean this in a negative way. You do it with a smile on your face, not like a funeral, but you know, like a life, a celebration of life when somebody's passed away and they had like this, they're just fun and they're old and they had a great life and they, they're like, I want to have a dance. I want to have a celebration of life. I almost think you guys should have a celebration of before kids. Let's just put a marker in it. That was awesome. Yeah. And now we get to create a different kind of awesome. Yeah.

And nobody in Hollywood tells you that the best sex you're going to have is sex on a calendar. Right? Yeah. And nobody tells you that the most intimate nine o'clock time together starts with a 6.30 a.m. emptying the dishwasher. Yeah. Nobody tells you that. Nobody tells you that, that a peel the wallpapers off Friday night

starts with a previous Sunday night. Hey, you want to go through the budget and the calendar for this week? Nobody tells you that. Right. Nobody tells you how caught off guard erotic it is to watch your husband throw the diapers away and take the trash out. You know what I mean? Nobody tells you that stuff. And so it's a matter of sitting down and saying, what is, what does...

What does intimacy look like to us now? Can we get to decide? I want to commit to a date night. I want to, we don't have any money. Cool. I'm going to commit to a walk, right? Um, we don't have enough money for babysitters. Cool. I want to, uh, my son used to do this. He used to get hired and he was like 10 and all he did was play with the four year old or the three or whatever the, how old the kid was in the house with the parents there with a mom or a dad there. But it was just enough to take the attention away.

Yep. Right. Like let's figure it out. Cause I love you and you love me and let's build something rad in you. Yeah. Is that fair? That is for sure. Dude, I'm proud of you brother. Um, and if nothing else, um, I think a final, a question I used to always ask, I do, I still do ask every boss of mine, um, is how do you want me to give you bad news or hard to hear news? I ask every one of my supervisors that, how do you want me to tell you that?

And the most thoughtful supervisors I've ever had have gone, huh, well, and they like top of their head, say, shoot me a text and let me know that we need to talk. I'd rather you do it in person. I don't like to be surprised. I don't like to do this. Always come to me with a solution when you're coming to me with a problem, like whatever their thing is, I work for them. And so I want to bring that to it. I think it's important here to say, hey, and this is new because this isn't like Jose. I was nervous to ask you how I can help.

I didn't know how to ask you how I could love you best in this season with two kids. It's chaos and you're working full time and all that. How do you want me to ask in the future when I'm unsure? Because I want to make sure I honor you with even how I ask, much less what I ask. And man, you guys are off to the races. If you have a four-year-old and a two-year-old, your life should feel like it exploded because it did.

The only question is, what world are you two going to build starting tomorrow? Because y'all get to choose. You get to choose what happens next. Thanks for the call, my brother. We'll be right back.

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Questions for Humans editions are back. Questions for Humans Thanksgiving and Christmas editions. Go pick them up. And we got Questions for Humans Friends, Parents and Kids and Couples Volume 3. Volume 3. All new questions for you this holiday season. And we have a new Questions for Humans deck coming out in just a few weeks. So actually by the time you get this, they'll already know about Questions for Humans Intimacy deck. Oh yeah!

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