How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
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She's trying to open my mind to religion more. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, and I really don't want to tell her. I don't feel the same way about it as you do because I really don't want to disappoint her or hurt her feelings. I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people. But I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health.

Talking about your relationships, your marriages, who you're dating, your kids, all of it. For the last two plus decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges.

Go to johndeloney.com. It's D-E-L-O-N-Y. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the little form, and it will shoot a, I don't know how it does in the internet. People figure out a way. It sends Kelly an email and Taylor an email, and they'll work it through, and Hollaback Girl will let you. Or you can give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, and you can leave a message, and we'll get back to you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Mark in Greensboro, North Carolina. What's up, Mark?

I'll get right to it. Let me preface my question by saying I love my wife and I, we've been married for 10 years. I love her just as much now as I ever did. Matter of fact, I tell people I won the wife lottery when I met this woman. Gross, Mark. I know, I know. We've been married 10 years. We're both in our mid-50s. She is 56, I'm 53. Okay. My question is,

We differ on religion. I don't really like to bring it up with her. I guess I don't want to disappoint her with how I feel about religion. I don't use religion much.

as much in my everyday life as she does. And she, I wouldn't say she tries to force her religion on me. She tries to, I guess in her mind, she's trying to open my mind to, to religion more. And it, it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. And I really don't want to tell her that, you know, I don't,

feel the same way about it as you do because I really don't want to disappoint her or hurt her feelings. Man, thanks for the call, dude. I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people because, A, you're not alone when it comes to the religion conversation, but I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important, okay? And that is you have this person who you love. In fact, you love talking about how much you love her. Exactly. And...

You somehow have gotten the wires crossed in your mind that is telling the truth and being fully present with her is somehow going to lessen her or hurt her.

Right. Well, I grew up, I call it, I grew up as a part-time Catholic, you know, Easter and Christmas. Sure. You know, my father, he basically went just to socialize, basically. She grew up in a Pentecostal holiness, if that'll tell you anything. Yeah. So, yeah, she was, you know, jumped down the aisle speaking in tongues the whole nine yards. And, you know, we just don't see eye to eye on that stuff. And, you know, she'll start

Asking me questions about my faith or, you know, like getting baptized or have I, you know, brought God in my life? Have I made Jesus my, you know, Savior? And I don't know how to answer that. And she'll like quiz me sometimes on that.

theology i guess and it just kind of makes me feel uncomfortable and i really don't know how to tell her babe you know i i this isn't you know i guess i go along to get along right now yeah if that makes any sense yeah there's an old um there's an old saying in counseling that is conflict deferred is conflict amplified so here's what's coming here's what's coming for you

You're going to keep getting along to get along, going along to get along. And one day she's going to get the wrong kind of bananas. And you are going to punch a hole through the cabinet. And it's going to have, cause it's going to have built up so much. So my question for you is this, um, what's another thing you're kind of, you just don't talk to her about?

Well, music. Okay. You know, we have different, she listens to Caleb all the time. Okay. And, you know,

No offense to the listeners out there, I think K-Love music is rather cheesy. Who do you listen to? Who do you love? Oh, I'm a child of the 80s, man. Iron Maiden, the Ramones. I would hug you if you were sitting here right now. Well, truth be told, I was watching one of your episodes the other day and I saw the Monsters of Metal album behind you. I have that exact album. Because you're awesome. That's right. What's another thing you don't tell her?

I have to vet movies for her. Okay. You know, she gets real uncomfortable with sex scenes, nudity, profanity. What's another thing you don't tell her? Gosh.

We're pretty open about everything, honestly. We really are. That was amazing. We're pretty open about everything except for entertainment, values, faith, and eternity. Yeah. Right? Okay, so here's my bigger thing is this.

Secrets will kill you and will kill a marriage. Right. Yeah. I really don't want any secrets with her. I really don't. I know. And so that's why I'm so grateful that you're calling. And religion is such a hard, it's such a third rail topic. And that's why I was pointing at other things because here's what's underneath your marriage.

Or let me say this. I'm guessing. I'm taking a wild guess. I remember having some theological conversations with a buddy one time. And my theological stance is on some things. I find myself all over the place. As my good friend Brent Bailey calls it, I feel like an odd man out sometimes. And I remember having a debate and going back and forth and it was getting kind of heated. And then this guy is so awesome, man. He came back a couple of days later and he said, hey,

I need you to know something. I think you're real smart, and I like debating this stuff. And just know my passion comes from I'm worried for your soul's eternity. And here's the thing. He wasn't playing. Right. And I gave him a hug. Here's why. If a piano was falling out of a window, and I looked at him and said, I don't believe that. I don't think that piano's actually falling.

I would hope he would love me enough to try his best to shove me out of the way with two hands to save my life. And when he told me that he was coming from that position, it re-centered everything because it wasn't for him just about who's right and who's wrong and what's this interpretation and like, what's this, you know, theological, it wasn't about that. He was telling me, hey, dude, I love you now and I love you into the future. And the way I see this is, man, you might be making some choices and have some thoughts on some things that may cost you your eternity, right?

And I guess there's a way I could have made fun of him for that. I was really deeply touched by that. And so I tell you that story to tell you this, you and your wife, I think are talking around the edges and I would love for you to sit down and say, Hey, I love you. And I've been keeping some things secret from you because I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I also think that by trying not to hurt your feelings, I'm actually dishonoring you. I'm just not being honest.

And so you asked me about my relationship with Jesus. You asked me about this. You asked me about going to church. What are you really asking me? What are you scared about? What are you worried about? And let her talk from there. Because if she's going to bed every night, grasping her pillow tight, like just holding it so tight and saying, dear God, please don't let the man I love die and burn in hell forever because that's how she happens to see theology. Man, that's a different conversation than she's just bugging you about going to church.

I'm guessing that she's not just nagging you to try to control you. No, she's not. I don't feel she is. I think she, you know, she wants me to be, to live with her eternally. There you go. Yeah. And she does, I guess she does fear for my quote unquote mortal soul. Okay. That conversation, that conversation is way more important to me than, than,

I can't believe you're saying bad words. And have you even, like those conversations are, all right, whatever. The one about, hey, I see a truck coming right at you and I'm trying to drag you out of the way of it.

Right. That to me is a, is a, is her trying to love you as much as possible. I, I know I can't, you know, I, I, I feel the love when she tells me this stuff, you know, and it's funny because, you know, we both get up early in the morning to get ready for work and she does her

her daily devotion in the morning and I'm just down there watching YouTube videos, you know? Well, that will send you to hell, Mark. I'm not going to lie. I know, I know. That will make your brain turn to goo. With gas britches on. There you go. But I think getting to the deeper conversation and then you being honest and when she sits down and says, I'm worried about your soul forever.

And you having the courage to say, I love you right now in the here and now. That's not how I see it. And I want to find a path forward for you because I want to love you with all I got right now while we're here.

And like, and if you have to ask yourself, like, I'll go to church with you, hon. Like, I'm not going to, I don't want you to do this really important thing by yourself. It's no skin off my nose. I'm going to go with you. I don't like, that's cool. It's important thing that you really love. I'll do that with you. I'll go to your Bible study. I'm not going to get up every single day and do X, Y, and Z.

Right. And I think there's something to be said for putting it to bed because I want you to choose guilt over resentment because what's going to happen is you're going to say nothing, you're going to say nothing, you're going to say nothing, and then you're going to explode. And I don't think that's going to be fair for her. Or you're going to explode internally. It's going to kill you. And that won't have been fair to her either.

Exactly. Right? Yeah, I want to be around as long as I possibly can with her. Yeah, yeah. And she's going to say, well, then why don't you just go get baptized so you can be with me forever? And you'll be like, all right. But you get to articulate that. But I think setting the conversation up, and maybe it's as easy as saying, honey, we're going to go to dinner, and we're going to talk about Jesus tonight.

And she might light up like a Christmas tree and be like, not like that. Right? Oh, yeah. She would love it. I know. But I want you to get beneath the, what do you think about this? And why haven't you done this? And I don't want you to say that. And then when it comes to the art stuff, when it comes to movies, it comes to music. I've learned in my house, my wife loves bluegrass. I like loud, wild music. And we have together found the Avett Brothers.

We have together found Andrew Peterson. We have together found Frank Turner. We found some of these, which is funny. One of those is a very Christian artist. One of those is an atheist artist. And one of those is very, what I would call very, very spiritual guys, but they are maniacal, thoughtful, brilliant, and kind of bluegrassy and kind of punk rock and kind of all of it all together. So we have found some common ground. We've worked hard at it. And my wife is going to a play this weekend by herself.

It just wasn't my jam. I'm taking my son to a rock and roll show he does not want to go to and I'm making him like, you have to go to this thing with me. And so we do some things on our own like that and we don't hold that against each other because it's not a matter of I don't love you. And I go to country music concerts with her sometimes because she's my friend and I like hanging out with my friend.

And man, I'll tell you what, the few times she's gone to like punk rock mosh pit shows with me and she gets up against the wall, I've looked over and dude, she is smiling ear to ear. Oh. Right? But not because of the music, not because she suddenly feels super safe with a bunch of maniacal morons crashing into each other, but she sees how much fun her great friend and husband is having. Right. And it's a matter of like, you get what I'm saying? There's a service orientation to this.

And it's not all the time and it's not forever and I don't ask her all the time and I don't ask her forever It's it's this no, that's good. I'm in on this one. I'm in on this one and again, those are on the periphery the when it comes to um rest of your life stuff when it comes to Religion when it comes to I want you to believe what I believe because like like I want you to believe what I believe because of power or I want you to believe what I believe because i'm worried about like what happens to you for the next millennia

Those are two different conversations, man. And one of those is like, whatever, dude. And one of those is, thank you for loving me so much. That's not how I see it. And let's make peace where reality is, not in all these proxy wars about what we're dressed in and what we're doing. And then I want you to be as graceful as possible with what's really true. Can you go to church with her? Because if you can, that's awesome. You don't have to buy everything the preacher's saying, but if you, man, what a gift, right? And if you just, if it's a core violation, put that on the table.

Put that on the table and also put on the table. Honey, I'm not at this for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to get baptized. I'm not going to, I'm not, I'm not interested in this. So you bringing it up all the time isn't helping, but I would love to go to church with you. Can I just start there? Can we do that? And so, man, thanks for the call. I, it's an honor to talk to you, man, because I know that you love your wife and I know that you also want to stay true to yourself and, and,

Most of us in our 40s and 50s and 60s were taught that the way you honor somebody is to bury yourself. And I don't think that's true. I think the way we honor people, especially that we're married to, is we show up our full self, but we are careful and cognizant and honoring and respectful enough to show our full self in a way that can be seen and heard. And she gets a right to grieve. She wants to see you in eternity. And you're telling her, I don't think I'm going to be there. I don't even think eternity is real.

And I think she gets to grieve that. And then you'll get to make choices about what your marriage looks like every single morning. By the way, stop starting your morning on YouTube, dude. Unless you're watching this show, hit subscribe button. Please hit subscribe and like and all those things. Stop, go outside, go for a walk or just sit by your wife and read. You're gonna rot your brain. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, it's time to talk about Organifi. Listen, I want you to stop for a minute and just say thank you to your body.

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That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. And if you get a post-purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth on this podcast. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Sioux Falls, South Dakota and talk to Anne. Hey, Anne, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you?

Good. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. What's up? All right. How do I best support a friend who is being abused by their spouse and refuses to seek help? Oh, man. Tell me about it. Whatever you're comfortable talking about. Yeah, I don't want you to... Tell me as much as you feel comfortable telling me. Okay. It's been going on for...

Over a year. And for a really long time, she didn't want to tell me what was going on. But, you know, I mean, it's a good friend of mine. So obviously I knew something was up. Phone conversation stopped, text stopped, everything like that. And so just in the way I am, I asked specific questions and got to the bottom of it. And I guess...

Probably physical abuse is happening over a year now, but there's been abuse in this relationship the whole time. It's just kicked up. But I just don't know how to continue to hear all of this, give advice, and then have nothing happen with the advice that I give. And I understand that

I can't make somebody do something. Just, it's almost now affecting me. Oh, it absolutely is. Yeah. Yeah. So I just don't know what to do. Um, I don't know how to, I don't know if I like stop talking to her because it's so weighing on me every day, but then I don't want to leave her obviously. Right. But, um,

I just don't know what to do. And I'm pretty good with compartmentalizing my husband and I are in ministry. We hear a lot of stories, but it hits different when it's somebody that you love. Yeah. I'm going to give you two paths here, okay? Path one is the path that I take. And I'm not saying that it's right. I'm saying I've just heard so many of these stories over the years that I had to come to a place where I've got to be able to sleep at night.

And I'm willing to cash out a friendship to keep people safe. Okay. And so, but then I'm going to give you another alternative that may be more feasible for most people, okay? The two things that I've got no quarter for and what I mean by no quarter is that are stop the presses for me is if somebody is in physical danger or somebody is considering dying by suicide.

Right. Everything stops. And if I've got a friend in your situation that consistently says, yeah, I got hit again last night. I got beat up again last night. There comes a moment when I sit down and I say, if you call me and tell me about getting hit again, my next thing is I'm hanging up the phone. I'm calling 911 because I can't stand by and watch this. And there's just a period at the end of that sentence. You wouldn't do that. You swore you wouldn't tell. I don't care what I swore. I don't care what I promised.

I would rather you be safe and alive and hate me than have this happen again. And honestly, that is just how I've made peace with it. And there's probably quite honestly, a few people in my life who have no longer tell me things because they know how I'm going to respond. Right. But I also think that there are people in my life who tell me things that they wouldn't otherwise, because the thought of when you're abused, it takes physically abused. It takes so much of your soul.

I mean, your body, it just does different things physiologically. Yeah. And so the thought that I can see past this ending, your body isn't able to see it on the road like that. Your body's just trying to survive.

Right. Right. So it can't see what freedom looks like and what two years after an awful, messy divorce and court records and somebody going to jail or somebody going to court and not going to jail, even worse, right? Which happens a lot in domestic abuse. They can't see on the other side of it two years from now being able to walk into their own home for the first time in years and just exhale and feel safe.

Yeah. Right. So I know that enough about you to say, I'm willing to, I'm willing to push this domino to knock the whole thing over because I can't stand by and help. So that's, that's me. Okay. I think a broader conversation about boundaries is sitting down with coffee or sitting down and having an in-person conversation saying, I can't continue to show up to these meetings and have you getting beat up and beat up and beat up.

And you tell you saying you don't need to do anything. I can't, I can't carry that anymore. Right. Either I will go first and I will walk through hell with you. Or I'm going to ask you to stop bringing this cinder block and asking me to carry it for you, but you're not willing to set it down. And I think what you're trying to do is to both love your friend and keep your friends safe and hold the outcome. And you rarely can do all three of those things. Right. Right. What has your conversations been like so far?

I mean, I'm a plan person. So I've usually set up like, okay, well, these are the steps we should take. Let's set aside money. Let's have a to-go bag. Let's have a safe place to go. Like those kinds of things, ways to get away, stuff like that. And I just think that

I think that she's... Well, I think she's scared of the change, right? Because even if she's in it and it's awful, sometimes we stay in stuff because it's normal. Yeah. So the idea of the change is probably what's scaring her. But like...

I'm, I think that's probably what bothers me the most. I'm good with boundaries. Like I'm a Henry Cloud kind of person. I am good with boundaries. I got, I have this figured out in my day to day life. But this one is just like, usually if I give advice and it just keeps, you know, falling on deaf ears, I walk away. But like her life, you know, I'm, I'm worried about her life. And I think go back, go back to the reason we give advice. Why do we give advice? Because we want to give somebody a path out.

We want somebody to be better off after interacting with us than before. And if advice isn't that path, then I'm going to jump over the advice path and I'm going to call the authorities because my friend's getting beat to death in their own house. And here's another thing. I said often people who are being physically abused, it's hard to get out of that mindset and to look down the road. That's not always true. I remember a harrowing conversation with somebody, with a woman once.

And I was just being flippant, like, you need to leave. And I'll never forget. She looked at me and said, and then what? I can't eat. I don't have a place to go. She's rattled off. And it was like, oh, man, she had done the calculations in her mind. Yeah. And she's economically trapped. Or she may go, but she's going to leave behind a six-year-old and she'd rather get hit than the six-year-old get hit.

Like she had done the long-term calculations and there wasn't a good plan. That's where I think me and your role as a minister of local church, have a fund of 2,500 bucks set aside for somebody that they come to you and you're like, I gotcha. I'm ready to sign the lease right now on a three month apartment for you. Are you in? And we'll send six men over there to get you moved today. Like that to me is, um, I don't know. It's, it's, it's,

I think the long-term you've got some choices to make and some hard decisions to make down the road is great. But when somebody's in the middle of something, it's not time for swimming lessons. It's time to get them out of the water. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But man, if that's a place where you can pull a trigger or if that's a place where you and your husband can say, hey, we've got your to-go cash. We're going to put this on the table. We've got a one-bedroom apartment for you.

Or we got a spot in our garage apartment. I don't know what that looks like, but I think it's taking some of those variables away. But I do think at the end of the day, I mean, that's been the majority of my life. People coming in and sitting down and saying, I've got this awful thing happening to me or going on in my life. And I say, okay, I'm ready if you are. And they're like, well, I don't want to change anything. Right. I don't want to do anything. And I'm always pretty open about when you're ready, dude, I will storm the gates of hell with you. Except on those two things.

dying by suicide or physical violence and then i'm just going to start going myself okay and and i think that that probably is not the best solution all the time yeah um but i'm never ever again gonna have in my life not having made a call right yeah because i've been on the other side of that i'm just not doing that again yeah so what's your next move i'm interested i'm interested what your next move is

Well, I probably, I'm putting a little bit of distance because just, I know that physically it's, you know, raising my heart rate. It's just, it's really been a lot for me. And so I'm trying to just put a little bit of distance between us for a little while, just like a week or two break. And probably, I probably will say at some point, like I'm going to have to call somebody and,

I'm going to have to call the police if I hear about this anymore, you know? And then there's the other side of me that like the times when she's like, well, it's getting a little better. And I'm like,

And by nature, I'm a cynic. And I'm like, okay, well, people like that don't just get better. You know, it's not like you're just like reading a Bible verse and the next day I'm not going to beat my wife anymore. Exactly. Absolutely. There like needs to be some work done here before it's going to get better. That's right. But... Is this man...

Like, you're close friends. Does this man have... Do y'all have peripheral men that are connected to this dude? Not that we have in common. Okay. So it's not like you and her and several other girlfriends are friends and your husband and him and several other dudes are friends? No. Okay. All right. Because that's the other way. I remember...

This is a peripheral story. I just remember several years. I mean, this is probably 15 years ago now, maybe, maybe a little bit longer, but I made a joke. I was, I was, I just moved to a new town and a new group of men and we were having like a get together and we're all kind of laughing and my wife hadn't moved yet.

And we were going around the room like, hey, what does everybody need? Kind of take a prayer request and just kind of getting to know each other. And I was the new guy. And I was like, does anybody know like where the dating spots are? And we all kind of laughed. And I was happily married and all that. And a guy who's become one of my closest friends in the world, his name's Kevin. He said, hey, you don't know us that well. So just to clear the air, if you ever cheat on your wife, you better hope to God she finds you before we do.

And I remember being like, okay, whoa, right? But it was just him being like, this is the kind of guys that we are, it's how we roll. So I was hoping he might have some peripheral guy friends that could pay him a little visit out behind the woodshed, but...

Yeah, I think in your job as a pastoral care minister, as somebody who works in mental health, there comes a moment when I have to say, okay, I will be here for you. You are not in a position to solve this problem or you're not interested in solving this problem. And I know the limits of my ability to help you and I can't solve it for you. If it's going to get you killed or get you hurt, I'm jumping in and I'm calling the authorities. If it's not, I'm

When you are ready, I can't keep accepting your bomb text at 2 a.m. I can't accept your phone calls. I can't accept these coffee dates where you just tell me all this stuff and you don't want to change it. When you're ready, oh my gosh, I'm all in. I'm all in. And maybe sending that in a letter so that that person can go back to that letter and go back to that letter and go back to that letter. Yeah, I love the idea of knocking on your church and saying, hey, we need to have a small fund for when women need to get out.

Or you and your husband track down a couple of men, a couple of families, a couple of men and women in your church that will be willing to say, I got $1,500 right now to get them out. I don't know a lot of people in my life that wouldn't just put cash on the table to get somebody out of an abusive situation, get them into an apartment. So I love that idea. But yeah, not a way that this ends super well, especially initially. We're playing a long game that we can get this woman some peace. And good God, hope you get this guy the accountability. And he needs a heart change in a major way.

probably after some jail time too thanks for the call and i'm really grateful for you we'll be right back november can be bananas and we have the normal november chaos with colder weather and there's family drama thanksgiving and figuring out holiday plans and with the recent election well no matter what you think about any of this mess we all need an extra helping of peace and

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Download the Halo app and go to halo.com slash Deloney to get three free months. That's three free months of the Halo app totally free at halo, H-A-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Grand Rapids, Michigan and talk to David. Hey, David, what's up, man? How you doing? I'm all right, brother.

All right. So here's the question. How is it that I save my best friend from a toxic relationship when he will not, and I repeat, will not listen to anybody about it? You don't, man. I hate that for you.

Yeah. I mean, he just, I know he sees it. Like, I mean, there was a couple of things that, you know, he could let go. I could even let go being his best friend and being like the one that is most protective of him. But I mean, it just, some of the things that are being pulled here, I just, I am flabbergasted that he hasn't publicized.

pumped the brakes or stopped it already and he seems to be even endearing of the fact that she's been doing all these things for him and i'm just how long have you been friends understanding how long have you been friends um over a year now um and i know that kind of sounds like a short time but it was just one of those things where we met at a bar like through a mutual friend of ours and he might um he's like hey you got to meet this guy and we met and it's just like holy

Sorry, this guy's going to be the best man at my wedding. And it's been like that and on that trajectory ever since. So the real work you have to do, and I hate to tell you this, man, I don't know any man, any guy who's not been right where you are. The real work you have to do ahead of you, unfortunately, and it's going to sound cheesy, is grieving the fact that you're probably going to have to get a new best man because this guy is not who you thought he was.

And I think you, the frustration is, I think it's probably twofold. Number one, you're just like, dude, any guy, any guy in this kind of situation, you're the kind of guy who wants to go like, bro, get out. Like, right, you're drowning, get out. I'm gonna throw you a life raft. And so that's the kind of guy you are, number one. But number two, like, not to be weird, but you made plans with this dude.

Making friends after college, making friends as an adult, especially for guys, it's impossible. And you found one. You met a dude at a bar and you're like, bro, let's ride or die. And there's that exhale like, dude, you're not going to be by me at my wedding. Because what he's telling you is, dude, I don't want your advice. I don't want your wisdom. I'm going to make my own grown-up choices and I'm going to be with this person.

it's not even that he doesn't want it. He, he's so thankful that I care this much. And I've, I've seen, he's even admitted like, dude, I like, that's why we're brothers. Like, you know, you care about me this much or this protective over me. I mean, I just, I, I can't like even coming into the relationship for him. It's just like girl already has baggage. Like, I mean, she's got two kids and,

And she's only 20 years old. But everybody comes with baggage, though. I mean, that doesn't bother me. It's you're watching her be of a person that's killing your friend. Right? That particular baggage that she has, he can't carry. And she's hitting him with it or whatever. I mean, I don't want to ruin the analogy, but you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, no, I totally understand what you're saying. It's just, you know, I could look past that. Like, that's one of the things I could look past. I could look past the fact that she has two kids. I could look past the fact that she...

dropped everything, quit her job, moved out of her place and started living with him and got a job of where he's working at now. But what I can't forgive is the fact that she gave up most of her rights to those two kids that she apparently loves to the baby daddy who is...

allegedly abusive. I don't, I haven't heard anything. I haven't seen anything like that, but I've heard a lot of, you know, a lot of rumors swirling. Like that's what she claims. I mean, I don't know if I automatically believe her. I don't, I don't know anything about that, but for her to leave her two kids with him 99% of the time and give up most of her rights to be with my friend. I mean, yeah, but you're, you're missing the whole other, you're missing the whole other side of it, dude.

Your friend met some new girl and instantly invited her in to come live with him. Your friend went and found her a job where he works. Your friend likes having her around without those two kids around. So you're pegging all this on her, but your brother, dude, in arms, your buddy, is equal participant in this thing. He should know better. I know, but what I'm saying is,

I can't get to the source of your anger because we're just watching two adults make two dumb decisions over and over and over again. But they never invited you in and said, hey, what should we do here? What's the next right move? And I can't tell if you're angry because you feel powerless in the situation or you're watching a slow motion train wreck. Where's the source of your – there's an old saying, I finally sat down and confronted my anger.

And she introduced herself as grief. Like, is that what it is? You're just bummed. Like, what is it? I guess I'm mad because he, she, is it one of those things where you're one of your buddies? It happens to all of us. They start dating somebody and they just disappear off the face of the earth. And they used to go to the bar and used to go to the game. Used to watch the fights. And now they're just with her, her, her, her. There's that weird jealousy thing going. Like, what is it?

Okay. Well, it's, I guess it's a mixture of all, I mean, this, this dude, like, I mean, you got to understand, like he is the most, I mean, electric human being you've ever met. It's just, dude, dude, dude. It's like everything is going to turn out way better than you can possibly imagine. Constantly has a smile on his face. And he came at a point in time in my life where I couldn't have needed someone more like that. And he has been there for me every through everything. And it

goes both ways. And now he has this girl and he never doesn't have a girl like that. Isn't his problem. Like, it's not like he's desperate. He had a, he has a girl on the line every other week. And then he finds this, he finds this girl and you know, she seems nice and all that. And now I'm starting to kind of learn about her. I'm just like, like, what are you doing, man? Like,

You are so close to stepping off a cliff here and being trapped in this relationship. I mean, maybe that's what he wants. I don't know. But what I am seeing is that he's distant. I don't think if I called him and chased after him, he wouldn't chase after me or he wouldn't call me at all. So yeah, I guess it's a little bit mix of jealousy. It's a powerlessness, dude.

Here's the thing. You clearly, non-romantically, but like in an important way, you love this guy and you care about this guy and you wish well for him. And he doesn't want your input on this one. He didn't care.

He didn't care what kind of character she has. He doesn't care about any of that stuff He didn't care what you say and he's going to tell you the right things because that's who he is in your words He's electric. He's a smiler. He is he brings people together when you're like, dude, what are you doing? He's like man. I'm so glad you're my bro. Thanks for being honest with me And then he goes right back and gets her a job where he works so he can be with her more behaviors of language He's clearly telling you I don't care what you have to say. I don't care what you think about this

And so the questions, I mean, the what's next does not involve him. It doesn't involve her. The what's next, dude, involves you. Are you going to tell him, hey, man, I'm your friend. I'm going to be, this thing is going to, I would love to be wrong. And if this thing works out, I can't wait to go to this wedding. But also, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a train wreck and I will be here to come help you out of the rubble. Or I can't be a part of this, man. I thought you were a different kind of guy. I've known you for a year. I thought you were a different kind of dude, man. And it's all good. I wish you the best.

But the action steps here, your initial question, how can I make him? The answer is, I don't even know what you're going to say after that. You can't. And is it right to feel jealous? Of course, man. You like hanging out with this dude. He's a cool guy. He lights up a room and he chose her. And I'll tell you, like one of my oldest friends, this is a little bit different, but one of my oldest friends on the planet, his name is John, John King. He's been one of my closest friends for 30 years. And I remember after he had his first kid, his wife, Jennifer, is a close friend of mine too. Like very, very close. She's amazing.

I remember he had his first kid, Elise, and he just stopped coming out with us. We got together every Monday night, every single Monday night we were together, and some weekends. He just quit coming. And I've told Jen this. I was like, man, his wife's the worst. As a kid, won't come out, won't come out, won't come out. And it wasn't until I had Hank, my son, several years later, that him and I were out just hanging out one night, out at a place having a drink and eating nachos or whatever. And I said, dude,

I always thought it was Jen that wasn't letting you out. You didn't want to come out. You wanted to stay at home with your kid, not with us. And he smiled real big. And I said, why didn't you tell us? And he goes, man, you wouldn't have understood. And he was right. And so I think it's you wrapping your head around. And here's what I did. I actually, Jennifer is an amazing woman. She's awesome. She's one of my closest friends in the world. And I made up some stories about her for a couple of years, thinking that she was the problem. She wasn't. She's amazing. She probably would have loved to get John out of the house. So for you,

Your buddy's telling you like, hey man, at this moment in my life, I want to spend time with her. I don't want to hang out with you guys right now. I don't want to go to the bar. I don't want to go out to the game. I don't want to do any of that stuff. I want to be with her. And you have a choice now, which is to celebrate that and say, cool, man, I'm glad you found the good one. It's a bummer for us because we miss having you around, but I'm glad you have a good one. Or you can just be angry about it and poison the well. Do you get what I'm saying? Does it make sense? Yeah, I get what you're saying. It's a bummer, dude. I hate it for you. And can I tell you this though?

I hope that one day you walk into a room and you meet somebody and y'all text and y'all meet again and y'all have coffee and y'all have dinner. And I hope one day you meet somebody that you're like, bro, I'm not hanging out with these morons ever again. And I hope she loves you that much too.

Like I wish that for you also. And by the way, that feeling goes away and you can't wait to hang out with your buddies again at some point. But I want you to have that same, the world gets real small. I just hope she's a person of better character. If you, if this other woman is, is, is low character as you say she is. Yeah. It just, I mean, I've been trying to come at it from all angles and I remember having a very candid conversation with them with the one, one of the very,

just really offbeat, weird night. I was just out with a couple friends of ours and he all of a sudden kind of just showed up. And so we were kind of talking and I'm like, like, I'm kind of telling him like, dude, like this is, this is bad. Like, I don't know if you see it. Like, he's like, yeah, no. Like, and this was before we learned about like her moving in and you know, the kids and the job and all that. Like, and I'm, I'm, I was still kind of like, you know, man, like this is, this is not looking so good.

good. Like, you know, just from an outside perspective. And he's like, dude, just kind of give her a chance. Like, and I'm like, you know what? You're maybe you're right. I, maybe I've been too harsh. I'm going to give her a chance. Like genuinely, I will, I will try to give her a chance. Like I'm going to get to know her. And then, you know, I learned about all this stuff and like, I could let most of it go, but it really comes kind of down to the kids, the kids for me, man. Like even if you're

maternal rights to your kids, to a baby daddy, who's abusive. I just, I think, well, she's not going to be loyal to her kids. What makes you think she's going to be loyal to you? Yeah. I would just promise you, you don't have that full story there. Like there's so much, I promise you there's more to that story than what she says or what it is. Like there's more to it than that. And, um,

That's just a lot. If you know of kids getting abused, I mean, you better start ringing every alarm you got. Call everybody, bang every door, like, we're going to protect those kids. It sounds like you're just hurt, man, you're mad, and we're going to scan the environment for one thing that we can latch on to. And it's like, oh, she sucked as a mom. Let's latch on to that one. Man, I would let go of that until you have some pretty definitive proof. Because again, forget her for a second. What does that say about your buddy? If he knows, yeah, those kids are being abused, but she's going to come hang out with me.

That says a lot about his character. And I don't want to hang out with men who would be with people like that, right? So that, like, even your argument goes downstream to your buddy there. But I think I can almost guarantee you there's more to that story and pieces and this and my own investigation. I would set that stuff down and I would just spend some time being sad. I miss my buddy. And I'm going to go on and do the next right thing, man. And I will tell everybody who is friends with somebody, who loves somebody, who's dating somebody they don't like, say your piece. Always say your piece. It's fine.

But I want to encourage everybody to be careful because the chance they get married is strong. And they're always going to know that you told me you hated this person. You told me that this person's a bad person and that will make a relationship awkward forever. I much prefer the conversation like, man, I don't, I'm not seeing it with this one. Talk me through it. Tell me about her, which is different than, can you believe that she's, that's a totally different conversation. Once you go that route, you are drawing a line and man, you're free to draw lines, brother. But it sounds to me like you're just sad. You miss your buddy.

And I'm with you. We've all been there. We've all been there. But I would set it down. Be sad about missing your friend. He's found the one for him for right now. I'd cheer him on. And I'd go on about it. I hate it for you, brother. Thanks for the call, though. We'll be right back. Fall is here, everybody. And that means no, not pumpkin spice, please. No more pumpkin spice. It means that I get to spend every waking moment in my flannel and soft denim shirts from Poncho, the world's best performance shirts for men.

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Go to ponchooutdoors.com and use code DELONI. All right, we're back with something cool that happened slash am I the problem? Yes, this is kind of a combo. So I'll read the cool crap that happened part first. This is from Kathleen in Atlanta. She said, I heard you tell a caller who was lonely that he should just invite people over. You told him that it might be awkward and nobody might show, but to keep trying.

I invited some fellow stay-at-home moms to start hanging out while the kids were at school. I had a brunch at my house, and 10 people came over. It was so fun. And then I should also say that only two people came the next time. Boo to your brunch. Just kidding. But now that school has started back up again, I'm inviting those ladies out to lunch next week. So fingers crossed. I'm going to keep trying. Good for you. Hey, there's nothing harder than keep trying. Right.

I would have been a gut punch to only have two come back. And you have to really like work hard to be like, it's not about me. It's about them. Maybe they didn't like each other. Maybe they got a bunch of stuff going. Like, who knows? But those two are the two that needed to be there. Correct. 100%. But sometimes one of the two that decides to keep going is the worst. All right, keep going. Okay, so what's the other side? And then she said, also, am I the problem? Okay.

Not about that. This is a totally different issue. So no, she's not the problem in that. Good for you. So Escape, the piña colada song by Rupert Holmes is my personal little drummer boy. My husband loves this song. Do you know this song? Yeah, you know it. Do you like piña coladas getting caught in the rain? Do you like piña coladas? That one. Okay. Yeah, that's the song. What's it called? It's called Escape, parentheses, the piña colada song. That's the actual title.

All right, by Rupert Holmes. So it's her personal little drummer boy. She despises it. Her husband loves it. She married wrong. So she says, I finally listened to the words and oh my gosh, this song is horrible. He thinks it's a love song with a happy ending. Then she, listening to the words, she says, I can't get over how they were both trying to cheat on each other.

I get that it's catchy, but I think this is a horrible song to be a classic. What do you think? Here's the thing that I heard this parent do that's so amazing. So they have a teenager, and the teenager likes to say, that's what she said, all the time. That's what she said, that's what she said, right? All those jokes. Or that's not the first time I heard that today. So this parent decided, actually both parents decided, that whenever this kid, this teenager says that's what she said,

They explain in graphic detail what that actually means, right? So if it's like, that's what she said, then there's a deep explanation. No pun intended. Like an explanation on, oh, you mean, and it really graphed with the body parts and how the body parts all work together. And the teenager, I was like, they told me the teenager's like screaming right now. I was like, no, stop. Right? So I think this is instructive in this situation.

If somebody in your life is walking through the house singing a really horrific song, I think there's a great case for, oh, and a really like, let's recite some of the lyrics and let's talk through them together in a no singing, a very clear way about how gross something is. And I don't know the lyrics of Do You Like Pina Coladas? But...

The whole gist of it is... It's a little bit pineapple-y? Well, it's while... Not that, but they're together and he's bored with her, so he places a personal ad and he finds somebody else in the personal ads who likes his ad and they're going to meet up and it ends up being his wife. So they were both placing personal ads and then it's like, oh, I didn't know you liked this. Oh, that's funny. Ha, ha, ha. And now we're in love again. That's the whole gist of the song.

So they were both trying to cheat on the other. The song's ruined. But maybe it would be a funny thing when your husband's reading that I'm singing this song to be like, oh, hey, real quick. Hold on. Hey, I just I'm putting this ad out on Tinder about people I would like to cheat on. And will you go over it with me? Because it's awesome. And maybe if you put your ad on Tinder. But here's what I'm thinking. Looking for a man who and like and obviously be silly about it. But I don't know. I get swept away. Sometimes I'm singing.

Some songs. And Sheila will turn down, my wife will turn on the radio and be like, are you for real right now? And I'll be like, oh, that's a terrible song. Anyway. I do that with pretty much any of the 90s hip hop and rap I listen to that are

so horrible about women and I'm singing them at the top of my lungs. Oh, I remember I went to the Guns N' Roses reunion show. Song one. Like, they come out playing and I was like, yeah. Like, my Michelle. And about one line in, I was like, I looked at my friends and I was like, I have a daughter. I'm not singing this. This is awful. I can't like this anymore. Winger. I mean, all of them. No. No. You can't sing any of these songs. So, I think there's a clever, fun way to do that that's not like, you can't, like, right? That's just being human.

But also, if he has to sing the song, just turn it off. No. In case you're asking, you are not the problem. Anyone who quote-unquote says, I love that song, they're instantly the problem. Right. It really is, how do you want to address it? Do you want to address it with humor and snarky, or do you just want to turn the radio off, or do you want to walk out of the room? You get to decide how you want to blow up that situation. I prefer a little bit snarky when it's not the end of the world. That's just me. Kelly, though?

That's a whole other story. Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.