How Do I Stop Trying to Control My Husband?
56:59 Share

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. There's never any, like, stability or security in knowing that there's somebody there. Which I should have learned my lesson by this point. Do you allow for stability and security? Or do you go seeking chaos? And if you don't have chaos, you create it. I don't really know how to function unless my life is chaos. That's right. What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about you.

challenges you're experiencing and the people that you love or don't love anymore and you're trying to figure out how to do life with them. Shows real people going through real challenges. For two decades, I've been walking alongside people trying to help them figure out what are we going to do next. For everyone who's new to the show, we've had hundreds of thousands of people join us in recent days, recent weeks, millions over the last couple of months. We're so glad that you're here.

please hit the subscribe button. It makes such a huge difference for all of us. Please hit the subscribe button. We're talking mental health, emotional health, your marriage, whatever you got going on. I got two PhDs and I got a lot of experience and my promise is I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what to do next. Hit the subscribe button, the like button, the thumbs up or the who let the dogs out button. I don't know what it's going on, but thank you for riding with us and for watching.

Being in our gang. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia where we were born and raised and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up? Hi. How are you? I am doing okay. How are you? I'm good. It's a little bit weird when this thing finally happens, right? Yeah, it is a little bit strange. I wasn't expecting anyone to actually get back to me. Yep. Well, we called your bluff. We call. So what's up?

So I guess I'll just ask my question first. I know a lot of people usually... Oh, I talk really fast. So if I talk too fast, just let me know. Oh, I do too. People are going to have to slow this episode down off the 1.5 because we'll get going. That'll be fun. All right, go for it. Okay. So my question is, how do I...

I encourage or support my husband in being more, taking on more of that dad role and stop identifying as a single mom. Flip that around for me. Let's don't talk about your husband. Let's talk about you. Okay. Ask that question because you exhale in the middle of it, which makes me think there's a question beneath the question. So, but back that thing up and let's say what's really going on or ask that question. What's really at the heart? Um,

I'm not really sure. I think it's probably just because I wasn't a very great morning in regards to the whole situation. So I'm a little bit upset and stressed out about that. Okay. And this morning was a real life example of why you were calling in and how do you change your identity? Tell me about your being a single mom.

So I became a mom when I was just 19. Okay. So pretty young. And then I had, actually I have three kids. My second kid I had when I was 21. And then I just had my third with my now husband. She's not even one yet. She's little. Okay. And how long have you been married? 20.

Almost two years. Okay. And the first two kids, same dad? Married to that? That's where all the hate's going to come from. I know how people view people like me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, don't cast that on me. Don't cast that on me. Hey. No, I'm casting that on the audience, and probably I shouldn't read the comments, I'm sure. Do not read the comments. Yeah, don't. No, I didn't think I should. We're having an interaction here. Don't read the comments.

The comments are what people are going through on their particular day and their particular time. And so some of them are computers. And so it's all good. So you got pregnant. You're 19. You had a baby. You were a young mom. I actually got pregnant when I was 18. I was still in high school. Okay. You got pregnant in high school. And then you had that baby. Did you do it all by yourself? Did your parents help? How'd that happen?

Um, I lived with my mom. She was, um, my dad left when I was like 14. So kind of single mom situation. So I lived with her. Um, yeah, probably why I ended up in the same situation. But no, I lived with her until her daughter was about one. And then I went off on my own. I started college when she was about six months old. Okay. And then you got pregnant again with a different dad?

Yeah. So I met him. Everything was like, okay. And then we moved in together. I graduated from college and then I had the second baby. But then I found paperwork about him still being married.

And I didn't know that. I thought they were done. So I asked him about it. He was like, yeah, why do you want to know? I'm like, well, because we live together. We have a family together. And he still talked to his wife like every day. I told him I needed to stop and officially get divorced. And he wouldn't. So I left. Okay. And then you met this new guy. Y'all got married. Yes. Tell me about him. Let's see. So...

He was in the military. So was my father. Kind of reminds me of my father a little bit, honestly. Very respectful guy. Very good to his family. He works in security now. He was married before, too. He's divorced. He was married when he was in the military. You're telling me all about him? Tell me about him. I don't know.

I don't. Do you love this guy? Yes. Is he safe? Very much, yes. When you think about him, do your shoulders drop and you exhale or is he in the long line of men who have in some shape, form or fashion told you they loved you and then disappeared on you? Like your dad, like your high school boyfriend, like the first guy that you found out was still married?

Yeah, sometimes. That was the whole thing this morning with him yelling that he was done with our family in front of the three kids, which was a little bit upsetting. So he's not on the phone. There's never any stability or security in knowing that there's somebody there, which I should have learned my lesson by this point. Do you allow for stability and security, or do you go seeking chaos? And if you don't have chaos, you create it.

Yeah, I don't really know how to function unless my life is chaos. That's right. Like even when things are fine and everything, there's no stressors, like my whole body trembles because I'm like freaked out. I don't know why. That's like bizarre. Because your body has had to create tiny little pockets of safety amidst chaos your whole life. I'm going to be super honest and direct with you. Is that cool? Yeah. We're best friends forever.

Yes, BFF, so you can make bracelets. All right, excellent. I'll expect mine in the mail. That'd be dope. I dropped my son off for school this morning, and my daughter and I went and had breakfast at a local McDonald's, and we played games, and we hassled each other, and she rolled her eyes almost out of the back of her head a few times, and we laughed really hard. And a few times when she was crawling up this thing in the playground, I got choked up because I love that girl more than life itself.

And that's how dads are supposed to treat their daughters. And you didn't get that. No, not really. No, hold on. Don't brush it off and be all hard, dude. Because this guy's going to bail too. You've spent your entire life having to be the hardest person in the room because you had to be. And that kept you alive. And that's going to be what destroys all of your grown-up relationships until you decide to stop.

Yeah, which I think I'm pushing him away. I know you are. Because every time he raises his kids, his voice to the kids and disciplines them and everything, it's like I respond with I need to protect my children and I get triggered by it. And then he feels like he's disrespected and undermined. And then he doesn't want to be with us. But all of this and he would sit down and tell me the same things about you on the other end.

All of this is, is you have never learned, and I'm not saying this in a character way or you're some kind of broken, what you're not. No. But you've never learned how to sit down, the skills, how to sit down and say, I want to create a home that is peaceful. I want to create a home that is filled with laughter and silliness and three knuckleheaded kids because it's going to be hard with three little kids and we're all real young. And you're both dealing with past relationship issues. And everybody joined this family. Can we practice that?

And you don't know how to do that. And so you just go plowing through and he goes plowing through and you create this self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself. And then he's going to bail because he can't take it anymore. And whether that's him yelling and he needs to learn how to respond like a grownup and not a child to his kids, or you're tasing him and pushing him away and causing loop-de-loop-de-loop. See what I'm saying? Nobody wants to be married to a cinder block. And you've had to be a cinder block your whole life. And I guess to answer your original question, um,

When you got hurt and that little 14-year-old girl is still sitting there looking in the mirror, brushing her hair, saying, God Almighty, what's so bad about me that Dad left? And then some guy at 16 and some guy at 17 and some guy at 18 said, no, I'll love you. And some guy at 19 and some guy at 20 said, no, no, no, no, I'll love you. Until you decide, I'm going to take that suit of armor off and risk loving again and risk allowing someone to hurt me again, because that's what happens in vulnerable relationships. People are just going to keep bouncing off that Teflon suit you wear.

Is it worth that? I don't know. I think I'm trying to protect my children from having the same childhood that I did. And you're going to create it. Inadvertently giving that to them. That's exactly right. You're going to create it. Inadvertently creating it. Right. And if you've ever listened to the show for very long, you've heard me say, we marry our unfinished business. Yeah, that's why I said he has some characteristics of my father. That's right. And your body is drawn to that like a magnet.

Because your body's going to solve that question. What was so bad about me that dad left? And you need to hear me say, your dad left because something was up with him, not you. Him, not you. You're a 14-year-old, beautiful, precious little girl. And by the way, you're also kind of a badass teen mom. And then you had a baby and said, I'm going to still go to college. I'm going to plow through. You're an amazing young woman. I got my master's too. I know. But I'd rather you not have a master's and have...

Two kids who love you and a stable job and a third kid who's just going, and you practicing relationship, then saying, look at all these achievements on the wall. Look at all these certificates I have while your world burns down around you. Here's how I know that. I have one bachelor's degree, one master's degree, and two PhDs. And after my second PhD is when my reckoning came because I couldn't run from relationship issues anymore.

I kept trying to achieve and achieve and prove to the world that I was worthy of being loved and it never came. And so all I'm trying to tell you to do is you can short circuit the heartache I went through and you can save yourself a lot of extra energy and exhaustion and sleepless nights and fights with people that otherwise you love by saying, okay, I can't. I got to sit down with somebody and heal from this madness because I don't want to recreate this with my kids. And I'm on a bullet train to start this whole cycle over again.

Is that fair? Yeah. What do you need to feel safe and loved in your own home? I guess trust that...

there isn't always a trap door underneath our relationship. And then at any moment, if the children don't behave correctly or if I don't behave correctly, and I'm not saying that like, you know, there's obvious reasons that your spouse would not behave correctly and that you need to get out of the relationship, but that it's just, if these things don't happen, then I'm gone. Oh, so you're, you're, you're kind of living under the sword of Damocles, right? You're like living under a threat at all times.

Yeah, it's kind of what it feels like sometimes. Okay. Like walking on eggshells sometimes. There you go. What would he tell me that he lives under with you? To be honest and reflective. He would probably say that he never gets respect in his own home and that, yeah, just honestly, probably that. Just a lot of undermining. Like he's a man's man and wants to be treated like a man's man. Yeah.

That's kind of... Well, he doesn't act like a man's man if he's screaming and running his mouth at little kids. Well, that's what I did say this morning. I said, you're being childish. You need to walk away. Okay. That's probably not helpful, but... No, it wasn't. Right? Here's the deal. If you were my friend, like my close friend, my sister, you were one of my ride-or-dies that I've been friends with for a long time, and you called me with this exact same story, here's what I would tell you to say. A...

I would be real particular with you about, are you safe? Does this guy have an anger issue and a safety issue? Does he just get so frustrated?

at the situation at two kids that aren't his at his being a dad who's also a veteran who's also going through divorce who's lost all the stuff a wife who has had to wear a suit of armor for the last four or five or six years or really since she was 14 she may last 10 years and he keeps trying to love her and connect with her and he can't because he's bouncing off a metal suit of armor um so i would ask about the safety part of it but after that sweetheart i would sit down with him

And I would say, all right, here's one thing that's become true to me, clear to me. I don't know how to do this. I want to love. I want to have peace in my house. I want to be all gross and googly eyed and I want to be a mom that my kids just exhale when they think of me. And I want them to have a dad where they feel the same thing. And I don't know how to do this. Will you? And clearly you don't either. Will you walk with me?

Go to counseling with me. Figure out how to do this because I have to learn how to do all of this because I never got it as a kid. I swear I'm not going to do this to my kids. You've proven to the world that you're tough, Elizabeth. We get it. You're an amazing woman when it comes to strength and grit. But what most people who dedicate their life to strength and grit realize is that's not enough.

Underneath strength and grit is an even scarier dragon. And it's the dragon of vulnerability and connection and honesty and the willingness to get back in the arena and risk getting hurt again for safety, peace, love, purpose, all of it. All of it. And I promise you, when you're 60, your kids aren't going to say, my mom got a master's degree. They're going to say, my mom was either there or

All in, my mom wasn't. I don't want to put that on you, but that's on you. And notice when you sit down with him, I didn't start with, you need to do this, this, and we're not doing that. We're not going to start. We're not going to say you. We're going to say I. Maybe write all this stuff down, but you're worth it, Elizabeth, and he is too. Those little kids especially are. Let's commit to changing the whole thing. Let's commit that we don't need to be tough anymore. We got it. We got it. You can do this. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right, let's go out to Boston and talk to Alex. What's up, Alex? How we doing? I'm doing good. How are you? Good. Right when I picked up the phone, I hit my volume and it went all the way up. So I heard my own voice in my head louder than usual. And I thought, oh, this is it. It's all coming down. But then I realized it was just me. So what's up, man?

So, yeah, my issues right now that I'm having is trying to talk to my wife about setting boundaries with her friends. One of her best friends is very determined that we should get a divorce so that they can go on vacations together more often. What? Yeah, she's even offered to give my wife $10,000 to pay for it. What? Wait, what?

Why does your wife even communicate with this person anymore? This person's a terrible human being. Yeah, she's honestly one of the worst people I know. I was going to say, she's the worst. And I don't ever say that about people. And she's the worst. Yeah, she's dating a married man with kids. And she's also being a comment how she wishes he didn't have kids so she could have it to himself.

Man, Alex, every time you say something about her, she becomes the worse or worst person of all time. All right, so I don't know unless you're an abusive guy and she's trying to help her friend out. Why does your wife even communicate with this person? That's something I've been questioning for a long time. All right, so I want to take your wife's friend off the table. She doesn't matter.

And it's real easy when you want to avoid a dragon sitting in your living room to point at the snakes out in the yard. She's a snake out in the yard, but you got a big dragon living in your living room. And that's the fact that your marriage is not very strong. It's on pretty thin ice, isn't it? Yeah. It is. How come? There's been different issues over the years. Both of us have been suffering from depression. Okay.

We never really saw each other for the past several years due to work schedule conflicts. My wife was on an overnight shift for several years, and then she got back to first shift, and then I took a new job and went to second shift. Okay, so it's about to break your marriage up. So either you all choose your work and call it, or you all have to get different jobs and figure this thing out.

Yep. And I've actually taken a different job recently where I'm now back on first ship. So we actually do see each other a lot more often now. All right. But y'all are going to have, y'all have a new marriage now. Yeah. Y'all are going to have to start dating. She's been a single wife and you've been a single husband for a long time. Y'all have kids too? No. Okay. Y'all are going to have to reimagine your marriage together. Yeah. The biggest challenge y'all are going to have is not trying to bring back what used to be. Y'all are going to have to build something new. Does she want to stay married to you?

Yes. Are you sure? She says she does. Okay. She needs to cut that other crap out of her life. I'm all about having friends who will hold me accountable, who will challenge things and who would help me out in a situation if my wife went rogue on me. Right. But I'm surrounded by a group of knuckleheaded men who will fight to the death for my marriage, not the opposite way. And my wife has friends like that as well.

You just can't, you can't, you can't share something as hard as marriage is and be trying to figure it out and have someone just constantly pissing in the punch bowl with just poisoning everything. You can't have that, man. And I know I'm, I'm preaching to the choir here. Um, I don't know, man, at some point you're gonna have to draw some pretty firm boundaries yourself because it doesn't sound like your wife has drawn them with you. Yeah. Even her mother has said this kind of same thing to me. What's that?

Basically, I need to put my foot down and set some boundaries. Why won't you? Family history of doing things in my personal family, and I've just seen things backfire too many times, so I'm kind of nervous about doing that. What does that mean? Somebody's put down a boundary, and somebody called that boundary? Pretty much. I come from a very chaotic family. Okay.

So some of the stuff I've seen in my family just makes me scared to do stuff like that. Is what you have right now not chaotic? Yeah, it's pretty chaotic. Yeah, it's a mess. And so in an effort to keep things from falling apart, you're just watching things fall apart. Yeah. It sounds like you're at a moment personally, I'm guessing this is why you called, you're at a moment of personal reckoning and I think your instinct is right. Yeah, I think...

Trying to do a few different things to try to bring things back to normal. There's not going to be, you have to build something new, man. There's not going to be back to normal. And you're going to have to start with some very clear, I love you and I want to stay married to you. And the way we've been doing things can't continue. Because you're going to try to tinker around the edges here, man. You have a dragon in your living room. You're going to walk around the outside of your property picking up snakes and there's a dragon in the living room. And the dragon is, the marriage as you knew it is over.

And the marriage that could be is sitting right there. You always have to decide we're going to do this. What does dating look like? What does romance look like? What does personal time look like? What does intimacy look like? What does just division of chores and money look like? Y'all got to go back to falling in love 101. Can you do that? Yeah. Will she? I believe so. Can you make a declaration of, will you marry me again?

Yeah, I would absolutely love to do that with her. Okay, what does peace in your home look like? Like, I want you to reverse engineer it for me. I want you to, you just walk in, it's six months from now, you just walk in from a wild day at work. She was working too. She just beat you home by 20 minutes. You open the door, paint me a picture of what you want this thing to look and feel like. Basically, just... Nope, not basically. Not basically. I want you just to feel it, dude. Just feel it. I just want to come home and just...

Have her greet me with a smile on her face and just sit down and talk to each other and just kind of vent about our days and then just go on, have dinner together and just relax and enjoy each other's company. So this idea that she's really happy to see you. Yeah. And you're really happy to see her and y'all are going to share each other's day because y'all actually care about what happened to each other. And y'all are going to make plans for what happens next.

Yeah. And so the question you have to ask yourself is what must be true? What has to be true in your life? Is it exercise? Is it continuing to go see a counselor to deal with your depression? Is it helping around the house? Is it a job that's killing you? Is it family issues? What are the things that you can tackle so that when you walk in the door, you present yourself to your wife and

This woman you said, I do too for the rest of your life. You present yourself to her in a way that her body feels, thank God he's home. What must be true? And she's going to have to ask you the same question. What must be true for her? So that when you walk in the door, your body goes, oh, thank God I'm home. Not, oh, here we go. And for the last five, six years, you've walked home and it's been silent. It's been lonely, right? There's been notes. There's been emails. Don't forget to do this. Check on this.

Hey, see about this thing. Oh, I took another shift. All right. I won't be able to see you this weekend. I'll have to see you next weekend and all that. You're going to have to do all that over. And it's actually pretty exciting if you think about it. Yeah. But it's going to take a lot of work. But you just got to be super clear, very, very clear and very intentional about what you want this thing to look like and how you're going to get there. Here's a thing I'll offer you. I'll offer you and your wife, if y'all can get down to Nashville.

Two free tickets. The VIPs and platinum are so oversold. I can't even, I tried to get another buddy and I couldn't even get another buddy in to the platinum. Like they were like, I was like, no, this is my friend. And they're like, sorry, John, like we so oversold them. But I'll give you and your wife two general admission passes, which is all it's left to my money and marriage event in October. If you want to take them.

Unfortunately, I would love to take the offer. Unfortunately, I just won't be able to get to Nashville in October. Okay. Well, put it out there. We're going to keep your name on the... When we get off this call, Taylor's going to take your name and contact info to make sure that we can get in touch with you and you can get in touch with us. I want you to talk to your wife about it. You've got months to plan for it, and it will change everything for you guys if you're interested in it. We'll give you all some new tools, a whole bunch of new tools, a whole bunch of new language, and it'll be a gift for you guys.

It's on me. You'll have to fly down here and you have to get yourselves a hotel. But if I were y'all, I would start saving and see if y'all could figure that one out. And forget that friend. Forget that friend. In fact, boundary number one, tell your wife, I don't want to hear a word that that woman says. I don't want to hear a relay of any conversation she says. I don't want to hear anything about that woman. And I want everyone listening, especially you, Alex, to listen to this. Sometimes,

When people don't have the tools or the courage to say something directly, like, I really think I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. They will test it, the periphery with, well, my friend says we should just get divorced. Or somebody doesn't have the courage to say, hey, I really want to try this thing in bed. They say, man, so-and-so says him and his wife do X, Y, and Z. What do you think of that? And it's just a way to not have to go directly into the conversation. And so I think it's worth sitting down with your wife and take her out to a nice dinner.

for a nice breakfast, a nice lunch and say, I want to talk about us and say, I love you and I want to be married to you till the end of time. Do you still love me and do you still want to be married to me? And if you do, let's wipe the deck and create something beautiful and amazing and new because we get to do that. It's going to take a lot of work and it's going to be worth every second of it if y'all are both all in. Thanks for the call, my brother. Don't listen to that snake in the front yard. We'll be right back.

It is one of my most sincere honors to be partnering with an amazing supplement company. I'm talking about Thorne. Thorne is a world-class, personalized, and science-backed supplement and health testing company used by elite athletes, thinkers, doers, and world changers all over the globe.

I've been taking Thorne for years, long before I was a YouTuber and a podcaster. It's where I get my creatine, my super EPA omega fish oil, and more. My kids take it. My wife takes it. Thorne is a staple in the Deloney household. Thorne is pure third-party tested, and they are redefining what it means to live longer and healthier.

And for Deloney Show listeners, Thorne is providing 25% off everything in their entire lineup. Go to thorne.com slash the letter U slash Deloney to open up your digital dispensary and the discount will be taken at checkout. That's thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E dot com slash the letter U slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Louisville.

Or as they say in Texas, Old Louisville, Kentucky. And they don't say that in Texas. I don't even know why I said that. Talk to Andrew. Hey, Andrew, what's up? Hello, sir. How are you? Excellent. And how are you?

I'm good. It's very strange hearing your voice at a normal speed. I always have my podcast at double speed. Yeah, I did that recently. I had an interview and I thought the person I was interviewing was really bored and hating the interview. And I realized, oh, I only listen to them at 1.75 speed or one and a half speed. So anyway, yes, I talk a little bit slower in real life, but not a lot. So what's up, man? Yeah. Hey, not much. I just have a question. It's kind of on behalf of all...

Gen X fathers out there. And so it's two-pronged. The first aspect of it is pretty straightforward. Just kind of want to get your thoughts on when do you let your kids watch what movies? Now, the background is you cut me open. I have film reel coming out of my blood, okay? That's like I am just the biggest movie buff you'll ever know. Like, Siskel and Ebert had nothing on me, basically. Okay.

All right. So that's always been like an important part for me as far as being a father is being able to pass that love down to my children. So then, but my wife, not so much. He's not a big fan of movies. She doesn't really see the point of them.

And so it's almost a battle getting her to agree to show her certain movies that I love. And then the other aspect of the question is, I guess I was persistent enough with this. Like, I'm pretty, I like to think I'm pretty laid back with just about most things. But with this, I was very passive.

passionate about. And I kept kind of hounding her about it. And she recently just kind of gave in and said, fine, just show them what you want.

But I want to honor her. I don't want to just be like, ha ha, I won and do whatever. You know, I'm not going to show him like John Wick. I just I just I want to find the line to balance honoring my wife, but also honoring what I like about being a dad and giving my kids showing my kids a bit of that magic.

I grew up with. Okay. You have a, um, I'm going to, I'm going to burst every bubble you got. So are we hanging on? We're on the same team here. Yes, sir. All right. Your job as a dad is not to force feed your kids, the things that you love that gave you life and that continue to give you life.

Your job as a dad is to teach them what being deeply passionate and committed and in love with a thing looks like so they can take that and apply it to the things that they naturally follow. And our world is crushed by

It's being buried by parents who are trying to relive their childhood and their loves and their hobbies and their sports and their movies and their games through their kids. Okay. And so I would tell you, dude, you love, I'm the same way with guitars. I love them. I'm obsessed with them. I've got them all over my, they're everywhere. My kid plays the violin.

And I was all about stringed instruments. It's like, okay, but this one, and dude, it's not his thing. And what I realized is, oh, he's watched his dad be super passionate about this thing, and he's applying it here. And he's writing a novel. I would rather set myself on fire than write a novel. But here we go, right? But I'm watching him be passionate about a thing. And that means as a dad, I'm winning.

So that's number one. I want you to be very careful about hijacking your kid's life to try to force them to, because here's what they're going to do. They're going to, they're going to, I'm trying to think, they're going to make that interaction about the way they can connect with dad. Because that's going to be their only avenue for connection. And they're going to end up despising the whole system.

One of my favorite things about my kid, one of my favorite things that I think I did a good job as a dad, I'm doing a good job, and my wife is doing an amazing job as a mom, is both my kids love to read. And my kid, my son, especially because he's older, he'll tell me, Dad, I read this book you told me to read. It's terrible, and here's why.

You see what I'm saying? And so I want my kid to have his own identity, his own thoughts, his own projections into the world. And he's going to learn that by watching me be really excited about a few things. But I can't control the outcome of where his passion, excitement, and energy are pointed.

Okay. Okay? And I know that's... You're probably gonna have to grieve that. And I don't mean that to make fun. I mean that, like, seriously. You've had these visions of every Friday, every Wednesday night, me and the kids are gonna pile up and watch movies. And you can have one kid that loves movies, you can have one kid that could care less about movies. That just hates them. Right. And they get to go on their own path. See what I'm saying? I do. I do. And that is... I do find that that is...

One of the challenges, like my son is a lot more like me. He'll watch, you know, he loves the stuff that I do a lot of times. My daughter is very athletic. And so she challenges me in that way. So I do hear what you're saying there. I also want you to be careful with your son. Okay. Okay. Be careful that the only way to dude, I, I'm a baseball fanatic. I'm going to tell a story. I don't usually tell. I don't even know if I've told it on this podcast before, but,

I, especially when my son was young, I was a baseball fanatic, like all the time, obsessive. I have, I've been since I was a little kid. It's one of the ways I connected with my dad is one of the ways I connect to my granddad. I grew up a huge Astros fan. I'm just like lunatic about it. As soon as my son could, was wobbly enough to hold a glove, I was throwing a ball to him.

And we went to Little League, went to all the stuff, went to play baseball, play baseball, play baseball, play baseball. And then I'd go work and I had a really demanding job. It was 24-7 and I would crash. And when I moved to Nashville, I bought the Astros ticket, the Astros season ticket. That was my gift to myself for getting a fancy job. And I would crash on the couch and then my son would, I'd try to get him to come watch. Come watch Astros, come watch them, come watch them, come watch them. And he would. Hey dad, are we going to watch a game tonight?

Hey, Dad, are we going to go do it? And I realized after this question, hey, Dad, do you love me as much as the Astros? And I remember just like a knife in my chest because he was all into baseball because that's how he was able to get to me. And when I cleared the deck and just said, I love you all the time. What do you want to do today? I would love to go fishing. I want you to come with me. Oh, Dad, I'd rather play Legos. Can I join you for some Legos? Yeah.

Or when he came to me in middle school and said, hey man, I'd like to try out for theater, which means I don't want to play baseball this spring. Is that okay? I've never been more proud as a dad. And so I tell you that to tell you, one of your kids may be all into movies. And one of your kids may be all into being around dad. And this is the only way he can get to dad. And this is not just you, man. This is dads who are obsessed with golf, obsessed with tennis, obsessed with baseball, obsessed with any obsession. We want to teach our kids how, what love looks like, what passion looks like, what devotion looks like.

We want to teach them those skills and then they're going to take that wherever it goes. The second thing about when to watch what and whatever, I want you to go back when this episode airs and I want you to listen to how many times you said, I, I, I, I, I. And we, we, we, me and my wife, me and my wife, me and my wife. Beneath y'all two are these kids. And whether you're going to watch, give me an example of a movie you want to show a kid that your wife is like, never. Iron Man. Okay. How old are your kids?

Uh, they are 18 and 21. Okay. Just kidding. They're there. I'm kidding. They're, uh, they're, uh, nine and 10. I was going to say, all right, you need to run, get out of this relationship now. Uh, okay. How old are they? Uh, nine and 10. Okay. Um, and what is she concerned about when watching Iron Man? Um,

Well, I'll give you a better example that I can answer this question. Titanic is one. Okay. When she looks at that movie, she only thinks of that one scene. Okay. And, um...

But I look at it as, this is a great, enjoyable film. Now, I'm not going to show this to them at that age, but I obviously know it'll wait a year or two. But she's very much like, if you have to skip anything in a movie, then the whole movie is trash and it's not worth it. So that's kind of how she approaches it. And I approach it as, well, it's a one-minute scene in a three-hour movie where you skip right over it. Okay. And so I...

I think that's a values conversation that y'all need to have absent from movies and the, your passion for movies and her, her, I could care less about movies is, is clouding the conversation about values. What pictures do we want in our kids' brains? And so I would ask you,

If it was on their cell phone and it was texted to them by one of their little knuckleheaded elementary school or middle school bodies, would it be okay then? And if it's not, then have that conversation because kids don't get the same context from films that we do as adults. And I'm with you. There are certain scenes in certain movies that I'm going to tell my son. I'll yell earmuffs or cover him up, cover him up, cover him up because it's a particular scene on the way to something. And so I'm with you on that.

But I also, if someone says, hey, what's the old youth ministry thing? Like if you just bake a pan of brownies, but you just put one little tiny, tiny, tiny bit of dog crap in it, it's okay because it's just a little bit. Whatever. I get that too. But the deal is you all need to have a conversation about movies. And here's going to be, I'm almost 99.9% sure this is where the conversation is going to head.

Your wife doesn't like all the things that you watch. And she's uncomfortable with some of the things you put in y'all's home for your consumption. And you are such a movie buff. And you can talk so eloquently about Von Traer. And you can talk so eloquently about Tarantino. And you can talk so eloquently about some of these guys who are amazing filmmakers and put absolute trash on the screen.

And you're able to, it's hard to get into that, into the conversation about values, right? Right. And so I would sit down and have that conversation. What kind of parents do we want to be? Not about the movies. And I would start with you. If I'm you, I would say, hey, I'm over the top. You started this call by saying if I cut you open, film would come out, right? Right. Ed.

Not to damper your love too much. I don't want this to be a total downer call. I'm holding up a book right here. It's a thing that I carry with me all the time. Inside this little, it's like a little journal that I carry everywhere. Inside the journal is a list of movies I want my son to see. Okay. It's a big deal to me. I need him to see the movies that shaped me growing up and the ones that inspired me. And I showed him Braveheart and I was devastated when he went, eh,

I like Gladiator better. Right. I was like, what? Right. I was, I couldn't believe it. And there's a few scenes in those movies that I said, Hey, you got to close your eyes too much. Right. Right. And that's okay. I agree with you, by the way, to pray for it is superior. I thought it was, but he didn't seem to think so. I think he's just enamored because Russell Crowe is kind of awesome, but whatever. All I have to say is, um, I love the idea that you want to show your kids film that you want to show them art. You want to show them beauty, um,

But bigger than this is a conversation, not I want to appease my wife and I don't want to, I'm tired of fighting my husband. That's not the conversation to have. The conversation is deeper than that. It is, it's our job to protect the most precious thing in our lives. And that's our children's minds. The world is going to fill that with so much trash and so much garbage. And this isn't a faith statement. This is a cultural statement. There's so much madness and insanity in

out there that's going to be just shoved into their minds that how are we going to protect that and then by the way i'll ask my wife hey i think i want to show the kids this movie and she'll go that's not a good idea and i trust her because i also know after how many movies i've seen over the years um and by the way i'm not i it wouldn't come out like film wouldn't come out of my blood but i love movies a lot i love them i love them i love them um but i know i'm desensitized

I know that I have, the edges have been way, way, way worn off. Dude, I remember a comedian, I watched, he did a series. I watched the first one and it was so good, I wept. Like artistically, it was beautiful. The end message was just staggering. I cried.

And my wife walked in the door and I said, hey, husband card, I'm pulling it. I've only pulled it like twice in our whole marriage. I was like, you have to sit down right now, drop everything you're doing. You have to watch this with me. I'm watching it again. And she was like, wow, you don't ever do that. So here we go. And within like three minutes, it was so vulgar.

I was like, all right. I was like, we can, I'm done. And she was like, okay, good. And she kind of just walked out. Like I had missed it. I missed it. Cause I got so, I am just so have melted my brain on some of that stuff. Okay. So all I have to say is get to a point where you can honor her judgment on that and get to a deeper point. I wanted to show my son, I wanted him to have a few pictures of what abject bravery looks like, even in a fictional character.

It's pretty cool to have William Wallace in your head. It's pretty cool to have Russell Crowe in your head, right? In that particular movie. And so I want him to have a picture of that. And I don't want him to have all the beheadings in his head, right? Not yet. He's too young. Right. Both and. Does that make sense about this values conversation? It does. It does. And that's where it gets kind of tricky is because I feel like we both agree for the most part on things, but

you know, then it just gets down to the minutiae, you know, like just how much violence is acceptable. You know, that's where it gets kind of tricky. And then it's just, and let's go case by case. Let's go case by case. And I think it's fair to ask her, please don't give up on me. Cause I want to do this. Right. And also I know that my, I've, I'm really worn down and I miss how scary things can be. And I miss how, um, violent things can be. And I'm 28. I'm 32. One, one second. Um,

boob scene from Titanic isn't gonna buy I mean it's just like a pass and it might freeze an 11 year old and that image may right flash freeze in their brain for eternity right and so that's where having another parent with some wisdom that's that's why having two parents is amazing you balance each other out but I think it's when both of you get sick of the conversation one of you just quits right that is contempt that is resentment that's that's the path

Right. Towards like, just whatever I am. I'm just, I'm, if you're going to keep rubbing my values in my face, that's, that's a different thing. Um, then what about this? What about this? And so maybe you make a list of 10 movies that you really want your kids to see, and that can be a conversation. But I think the whole thing starts with honey. I have become so obsessed with this thing that I've kind of lost sight of you and these kids, um,

I want to have a conversation about entertainment and about our minds and about what we think is funny and valuable and yada, yada, yada. And then go from there. Because probably what she's going to find is she's frustrated that maybe her kids are getting or lost to this idea of movies or her kids are being lost to the idea of trying to find dad. And he's always up there watching TV or I bet there's deeper things going on here. So.

I'm really, really grateful for the call. And because the fact that you opened up a lot of men, especially, but men and women, moms and dads are going to sit there and go, oh, that's me. I'm shoving the things I love down my kid's throat. I'm dragging them behind the car of my ambitions and my passions and my things. And they either are so road rash from getting dragged behind the car or they're sitting in the front seat because that's the only place they can stay safe.

Teach them to be wildly passionate in what hard work looks like and what contemplation and love and commitment looks like. Teach them those skills so they can run wild. Let's also protect those minds. Protect them, protect them, protect them, protect them. Because if you don't, God knows no one else will. Make sure to call my brother. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. It's time for something cool happened. What's up, Kelly? All right. This is from Andrew in Indiana. He says, let's see here. In a recent podcast, you shared in a dad group that he is part of on Facebook. So then somebody shared this podcast. I was having regrets about being a bad dad and looking for advice. I was yelling at my kids and was disconnected at home and

And was, as I learned through your show, honestly was creating an unsafe area in the wife, in the area, in the eyes of my wife and children, kind of paraphrasing some of this. I also began seeing behaviors coming out of my oldest 10 year old daughter and hearing the psychology of what my actions were doing to them had a huge effect on me.

Thank you to you and your team. My home is becoming a happy, peaceful place that my children will want to come back to. I can feel the tension leaving my children each day that I don't raise my voice. They squeeze that hug a little longer and a little tighter and fight over who daddy is putting to bed. You told a caller recently to take 30 seconds when getting home and to tell myself that I'm only going to bring joy and laughter to this home.

This has been an amazing week so far. Thank you so much for all that you're doing and you're changing our lives. That's awesome. And just as a reminder to everybody listening, I'm not doing anything. I'm just running my mouth on a podcast. Those of you out there who are changing your lives, y'all are putting in the work every day. And it's just those are the stories that just bring me so much joy. And those are stories that no one will ever hear. No one's ever going to see them. Just a dad parking in his driveway for an extra 30 seconds to go, today sucked. Interest rates are crazy.

I'm not going to be able to go on this trip that my buddies are planning because we don't have the money. I'm going to bring joy and laughter and peace into this home. I'm bringing joy into this home. God give me peace to bring into my home. And then he's going to walk inside. And then it's game on. That, my friends, is bravery. That's strength. That's commitment. That's grit. Keep showing up, man. It's awesome, dude. It's awesome. Thanks for sharing that, Kelly. That makes my heart feel a little bit bigger.

When you stare at me for a whole show, my heart tends to shrivel up and get cold and dark. That just breathes some life back into it, baby. Woo-hoo-hoo! Thank you all for joining us. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button. Love you guys. Bye.