Shownotes Transcript
Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She won't tell her former in-laws because they still have not given her their life insurance money from her husband's death. She's feeling, what if people are going to think, you know, that I didn't love my husband or that I moved on too fast. So I'm going to say this as directly as I can, man. She's not over him.
What in the world is going on? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your relationships and your parents and your kids and your pets. All of it. Not your pets. Not your pets. But we're talking about everything. Whatever's going on in your life. You want to be on this show as real people going through real stuff. Real challenges.
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So thank you so, so much. I'm really grateful. Let's go to Madison, Wisconsin, or Wisconsin, as they say, and talk to the NIC. What's up, Nick? Hey, John. How are you? I'm good. What's up? Hey, I'm just wondering if you might be able to give me some advice on a situation I've been navigating for the past couple of years with my girlfriend. Let's do it. What's up? All right.
So we've been dating for two years. She was married previously. She lost her husband, so she's a widow. We initially talked, you know, how our future was going to play out and...
And she was, I mean, it's a situation. She's nervous to let her former or her late husband's family know that she's found somebody and is dating somebody. Why? Why? Why? Why? I know. Well, it turned out to be like...
uh a situation on money her former father-in-law owed her money still from a life insurance policy that he's been dragging his feet about or with uh there would be legal action that she could take but she wouldn't want to go down that route so why yeah i don't know um it's just kind of uh so let me get let me get this let me wrap my head around it brother so you've been dating um are you divorced
Yeah, I was married 15 years. Okay, so you're divorced after 15 years. Yeah. She was married. Her husband dies. Yes. Y'all start dating, and it's pretty great. It's awesome. It's amazing. She's an amazing woman, but there's this hurdle. Well, hold on. Man. She won't tell her former in-laws...
Because they still have not given her the life insurance money from her husband's death? So, correct. There was a few life insurance policies. The father-in-law was the beneficiary of one, and her late husband wanted his father to have
the bulk of the responsibilities to pay out everything if he were to pass away. So she's the beneficiary, but her father-in-law's the executor? Correct. Yes. Why has she not sued him to the moon and back?
Correct. Why? Because she's just so close with this family. He's a scumbag. He is a complete and utter scumbag. Okay. He is withholding money due to his late son's widow. Right. That is scumbag 101.
I agree. He's not a great guy. He's not like we're super close. No. So yeah, she, she actually has some feelings towards him as well. Um, not great. Her mom, you know, it's just, well, here's the deal. It sounds more complex than it truly is. And I know there's a ton of emotion wound up in this. Yeah. Yeah.
Um, and, and we, we just had a conversation just recently and now some other things are coming out where she's feeling super like, um, what if people are going to think, you know, that I didn't love my husband or that I moved on too fast or now this happened. We're in 2024. So I, he died in 2022. We also met in at the end of 2020. No, he died in 21. Sorry. Yeah.
Uh, so there's a few things that she's worried about, you know, with other people. Uh, some people might think she's cheating on her husband or she didn't, this is what she just told me. So, so I'm going to say this as directly as I can, man. Um, she's not over him. Okay. And she's not fully seeing reality as it is. Okay. And it's not uncommon, but it's, it's heartbreaking for you. And what's, here's what's not uncommon. Um,
She is trying to continue the relationship that she had. Right. She's trying to continue having the same family. She's trying to continue having to make the same concessions that we all have to make with our in-laws and our parents. She's trying to keep things the way they were, just minus the main part, which was her husband, who's gone. Right. And she has not fully metabolized that loss yet.
Sure. And then you came along. She loves you. Y'all have a good time together. But my man, she's, um, you're going to get your heart broken in a pretty tragic way. Okay. I wish that wasn't the case, but you're going to have to eat. Let me ask you this. Cause she's not on the phone with me. Um, and by the way, feel free to play this. I mean, her husband's parents are not honoring their son. Okay. They're not honoring their son's widow.
They're selfishly and disgustingly holding on to money that is not theirs, and they're not doing their son's wishes. They're not doing what's right. And they're not encouraging and letting this young woman go live her life. Right. Is your kids involved? No. Not on her. If there's grandkids, I get it because part of those grandkids are your son. Right? I get that.
If you're grieving parents, but this thing is just, as you've explained it to me, is just nasty. That's exactly what it is. It's, it's just, I'm on this, you know, I don't know. I've met her parents one single time, but I haven't met him another time. And I'm not really involved in her side of the family a whole lot either. Let's move her aside. Let's just talk to you.
Okay. Why do you think so little of yourself that you don't think you're worthy of being with someone for two years and having them be proud to walk alongside you? Trust me. Um, so it's not that I, I've, so, um,
I suffered a massive stroke when I was 16. So I'm half paralyzed. So let's just, we can, we, I have plenty of confidence, but I found an amazing woman who is just loves me for who I am. She's awesome. And I try to have the conversation with her and it just keeps coming back to the same things. We can't figure out like,
like a good like plan to move forward in our life and and i don't know at this point in time how long do i just continue to to just let this let this go or you know so that's why i'm you know i'll just call you like do i walk away you tell me man well it's not about just walking away but i want you to have the courage and the strength to set boundaries
For sure. And she's all about boundaries. She's very good at setting them. She is horrific at boundaries. Okay. She is in a fantasy land. Sure. If she was good at setting boundaries, she would not be accepting the life that she's accepting from her former in-laws. Sure. She would tell the other people in her life, this is my boyfriend. They don't all get a... You don't get a vote? No.
My husband died. I've grieved it for a year. I now am dating somebody else for a couple of years. If you don't like that or you want to judge me from the past, then you're free to exit the building. But that's a boundary. What she is doing is continually got her head on a swivel looking all around for other people's approval. Sure. And it will never come.
And it's crazy because she always is never seeking other people's approval or that's what she always says. Right. So, but dude, behavior is a language. I understand. She's seeking it 24 seven, but, but again, she's on the phone. So really it doesn't matter. I'm asking you, man, like you're not, you can't, you're not okay with this.
When are you going to say, hey, you choose me or just say to the world, you haven't grieved your husband's loss. That's okay. I mean, there's nothing you can do about it. But let me just say, Nick, you're worth more than this. I appreciate that. Do you believe that? I agree 100%. I know I am. I absolutely know I am.
I don't believe you just run in and walk away, but I do believe you spend some time writing down, like, if you're going to be with me after two years, here's what I think I'm worth, and here's what I want to build with you. And if you don't want to build it, it's okay, but I want you to have the courage to say, I'm not ready to build, or I'm going to head out, because I still am in love with my ex-husband, or I'm still in love with other people's perceptions of me, and I'm going to let them dictate what I do next. Okay. Does that make sense? Makes perfect sense, absolutely.
I do appreciate that. I'm heartbroken for her. I'm heartbroken for you. Because this got a sting. What happened? Why'd you get divorced after 15 years? Well, I was married to a police officer. My ex-wife, being a police officer, had a hard time respecting men, in my opinion. We couldn't parent together.
Um, it was just, it wasn't real healthy for a long time, but being a believer, you know, trying to not go down the divorce route, uh, it was just, it wasn't great for a long time. And honestly, I'm happy that I did walk away. Uh, things have been really good minus this situation with my current girlfriend. Okay. Well, um, just, I feel like I have to say this to in defense of my friends. Um,
being a police officer doesn't also mean you don't respect men. This was, I understand she, she, she must've had her challenges, but, um, yeah, I just, I just want you to spend some time just asking that question. What am I, what am I worth? Sure. What am I worth? Um, and man, I wish your, I wish your, I wish your girlfriend would do the same. Um, and I wish she could uncouple from really gnarly, um,
disrespectful dishonoring former in-laws that breaks my heart for y'all but possibly maybe if you sit down and say hey here's what I think I'm worth and here's what I want to build with you I want us to build this together are you in because here's what this will look like if you're gonna build a future with me and if she's in for that great and if not I'm sorry I'm sorry but hopefully she'll see the light and say oh my gosh I'm about to lose another amazing man I don't want to do that I
I'll be optimistic for you. Let me know how that conversation goes, brother. Let me know how it goes. I'm here anytime you want to call. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix, makers of the best mattresses in the universe. Listen, I've slept everywhere and on every type of mattress surface imaginable. You name it, and I've tried it. And my sleep on the Helix mattress has been transformed. I'm achieving newer levels of deep, deep sleep.
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Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Jessica. Hey, Jessica, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm fantastic. How are you, lady? Doing all right. All right. So what's going on?
Yeah. So I am calling to get a little bit of insight into just kind of some personal struggles I'm having with my own body. So just to kind of give a little bit of context, I am a 30-year-old wife, mom. I have so many great things going on in my life. I'm married to an incredible guy. I have a
beautiful six-year-old daughter. But last December, I had a hysterectomy to cure a really painful condition that I had. And since the surgery, I'm really having a hard time reconnecting to my own body and kind of just feeling like a stranger in the body that I live in. It's causing a lot of body dysmorphia and it's just kind of
seeped into like my own self-talk, my sex life with my husband, how I view my own body, all that kind of stuff. So just would love some insight on how to kind of get back to feeling at home in the body where I live. Oh man. What happened? What was the illness?
Yeah. So I had a condition called adenomyosis that was kind of aggravated by my super traumatic C-section pregnancy that I had with my daughter six years ago. So I've always had real painful periods that got to a point, you know, in the last year where it was like calling off work three or four days out of the month. Were they extended periods for longer than normal?
Yeah, definitely. It was more so like the level of pain that I was experiencing less so than how long they were. But I know it was really hard for my family to watch me have to go through that every single month. And we knew our family was complete pretty much the day after I had my daughter. So that part wasn't as much of a concern. And I do feel better in terms of not having to deal with that anymore. But there's so much other baggage that's come with... I guess the mental side effects of this are a lot more...
than I think I was prepared to deal with. Tell me about those. Um, so mainly, you know, I don't know. It's hard to explain because I know for women, obviously, like those of us who have a uterus kind of understand what it feels like, but like,
there's a real deep kind of connection with like your cycle and how your body feels. And so when that organ is gone, um, there's little bits of, you know, still pain and things like it's been, what is it like eight months or so since my surgery, but I still get lots of like pulls and tugs and it's harder to work out than it used to be. So, you know, I had to obviously take a break off of, um,
really excessive movement when I was recovering. And so that set me back. Uh, I've gained a little bit of weight. Wait, wait, wait. What did it set you back from?
Oh, so I was on a major fitness journey over the last six years. I lost over 100 pounds after I had my daughter. Yeah. So I think, you know, a handful of 10 to 12 pounds feels pretty massive to the point where, like, I don't even want to let my husband see me naked kind of thing. And that's really never been an issue between he and I. So it's kind of driven a little bit of a wedge. So what's underneath that? Hmm.
Because you know, like, I always want to take those feelings and challenge them. Is this story true? I've gained, I lost 100 pounds. I feel better than I've ever felt. I've got an amazing husband, as you said. I've wanted to be all over him as often as possible for as long as I've known him. And now my total weight loss is...
At 90 pounds, because I put 10 back on after a major, major... After doctors took out an organ. Mm-hmm. And suddenly I am not attractive. So if we hold that story out, you know that story's not true. Right. What's underneath that story? I think that there's a fear of returning to the life that I had before. What was that life? Um...
I mean, I was exhausted. I did not feel good. I, you know, before what the life, what, before you had your daughter before the weight loss. Like, um, and so I think, you know, I don't know. I've always really struggled with body dysmorphia and I think I was kind of, there we go. Finally at a good place. Well, yeah. Can I, man, can we, can we go down a rabbit hole real quick? Please. Um, how long have you struggled with your weight? Oh, forever. Forever.
Like from high school. What's the first memory you have? First memory of the, in general, or of me dealing with. Of knowing that, that other people don't think I'm beautiful. Oh gosh. Early middle school, at least. Before that, before that. I don't know. Honestly, I struggle with,
Childhood memories, like I have a hard time recalling a lot. You know what doesn't have trouble recalling? Your nervous system. I call them GPS pins. Your body puts little GPS pins in memories that it says, not safe, shut the system down or speed the system up or let's go haywire. Let's go to our comfort mechanisms because we can't handle what's happening. Mm-hmm.
And then you get a little mirror reflection of yourself walking around your house and she's six years old. And then your body goes, oh crap, we remember this one. Yeah. Tell me about your baby girl.
Uh, she's incredible. Yeah. She's, uh, going into kindergarten this year. She, um, absolutely loves singing, dancing. She's the star of the show at every family function. Um, she is super, super funny. She's very, um, you know, I don't know. She has a really great sense of sarcasm already at six, which I think is awesome. Um, yeah, she's, she's pretty incredible.
Do you bask in it? Yeah, I think so. I try to take moments every day to really think about the fact that she's here. Her story coming into the world was a little nuts. What I've been told over the years when it comes to hysterectomies, and again, I never had one of those. I never had one. And particularly on the back of...
pretty rough menstrual cycles is this constant, the phrase that was given to me is feeling like I'm being betrayed by my own body. I got tired of fighting myself. Yeah. And there is, when you said the phrase, we knew our family was complete, that can sometimes be, and again, I'm not putting this into your life, I'm just speaking in generalities here, but that can be a intellectual exercise, right?
But that might be different than the picture you've had stamped in your soul since you were young. Absolutely. We definitely thought going into marriage we would have three or four kids. Okay. For sure. There's something about the period at the end of the sentence, no pun intended, after hysterectomy. It's over. Yeah. Right? And there's a finality to it, an exhale. And then there's grief. And all grief is is the gap between what we thought was going to be or what we wanted there to be and what actually is.
And most of us blow by it. And you put on top of that a hundred pound weight loss. You're a different, you experience the world, every bit of it differently. And you put on top of that, you have a six-year-old little girl who's entering into the season that your body identifies as, oh man, we're about to be excluded and left out and less than starting now.
Oh yeah. That's a big trigger for me when she tells me like kids on the playground don't want to play with her stuff. Like any little moments like that is your body sounds, the GPS pin starts flashing and your body sounds every alarm you got. And you're like, I'm going to go punch me a middle schooler. I'm going to go kick me a kindergarten kid. Right. So, and all that's happening at the same time. Yeah. And then if you're like me,
You've got some wired deep into the system ways, default behaviors that make all that hurt go away. 100%. And by the way, you've beat the crap out of yourself for your whole life for those behaviors. When actually they kept you safe. They kept you getting on to the next day even though they were slowly killing you, right? Some people it's food. Some people it's alcohol. Some people it's work. Some people it's whatever. It's just they're all Xanax, right? They're all just numbing behavior. Yeah. Yeah.
Have you sat down and told your husband, I'm embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of you? Yeah, we've definitely, I mean, we have real open communication. What'd he say? What'd he say?
uh it honestly hurts his feelings when i talk about myself like that well that's because he's a good man he can make anything about him right yeah he i mean i think he you know mostly i'll point back to like oh my gosh you look when i was this big whatever and he's like hey you don't talk about my wife like that i loved you then i love you now i love that um all right can you do me a favor yeah i'm just gonna i i i'm
In a clinical context, you and I could talk for weeks. And I bet you could. I get the sense that you are somebody who has become very skilled over the course of your life and making other people feel okay. And so we could unwind that. But just me talking to you, I feel at peace. You have that gift. Thank you. But that gift has come at the expense of you.
Yeah. That has been your way of protecting people or protecting yourself your whole life. Nobody look at me. Look how comfortable you feel. Wow. Right? Yeah. I've never had any, but I feel like you kind of just, uh, in the back. I didn't hear what you just said. I missed what you just said.
No, it feels kind of like you put a spotlight on me when I'm trying to hide in the back. It's kind of pinpointed my entire life story. And you're able to leave a party and everybody has a fond memory of how well they felt. They don't think of you, but also they didn't make fun of you. Yep. The only way forward is for you to be willing to be fully seen. And if you're like me, vulnerability is scary. All my alarms set off and I am not a good judge of reality when my alarms are ringing.
Yeah, because even you saying that, my immediate inclination is just to be like, nope, don't like that. I know. I know you don't like it, but it's right. It's right. It's right. You know what I mean? So here's what I mean. I have to have a group of people. Here's a great example. Okay, a great example. The stock market had a bad day yesterday, right?
I don't have any stocks, by the way. I have like my 401s, my retirement plans, right? That's a roller coaster. I'm not going to cash them out for years, but I got them, right? Right. My buddy who was my college roommate and now he is my smart investor pro. He like takes care of my investment stuff for me. He manages all that for me. He texted yesterday and all he said was, Deloney, don't do anything stupid.
Right? And that is us being friends for about 30 years. And him knowing when John gets emotional, he does dumb things, right? Right. And so essentially I've outsourced that logical thinking, that rational thinking to somebody who can see it when I'm in a storm. And vice versa, he calls me when he's struggling with a relationship issue because I can see it. And so we have each other
for those moments when our bodies sound all the alarms and it's very hard to do the next right thing. All that to say is, I want you to have a couple of people that you trust in the world. Your husband sounds like he's one of them. Sounds like he's a pretty amazing guy. Yeah. And when you feel not beautiful, when you feel less than, I want you to have the courage to say, honey, do I look okay in this shirt?
And I want you all to have already discussed not his, uh, yes. But I just want you to come put your hands on my face and kiss me on the forehead and whatever y'all discuss and tell him when I asked that question, it's about me getting my, my footing back after there's some finality in my life. Now, at the same time, we got a little girl and it's going to be chaotic for a while. And so you have a couple of girlfriends that you trust.
I have many, yeah. I actually, my entire job is a women's empowerment group. We do, I've got like 300 women in Dayton that I talk to all the time. Okay, but here's the thing. You have got to take care of yourself as much as you take care of those other women. I know. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. Hey, welcome. This is the pot talking to the kettle. Yeah. I do too. That's why I've got to have a group of men that I call.
Yeah. Yeah. I do have some, a few really close, solid women in my life that I can reach out to for the real stuff. Okay. You can, but you don't. Rarely. Yeah. I usually, I'm usually kind of here for them to reach out to. The path towards reconnecting with your body and ultimately deeper than reconnecting with your body is regaining a sense of self.
One of the things we've gotten sideways in this culture is that you can have some sort of independent self separate from anything else. That is an ultimate like just stone lie. It's not true. It's impossible. You can only have a sense of self as it is reflected in relationship with others, period. End of story. We aren't designed to be selves. We're designed to be tribal. We're tribal creatures. That's what we are.
What does that mean? You can only feel reconnected to self by standing before somebody and saying, this is all of me. Do you love me? And that's the thing that I think terrifies your soul more than anything else. Absolutely. So much so. Because what if the answer is no? I mean, that's the ultimate fear, right? Yeah. But you know, with your girlfriends, the answer is, yeah, we see you. We love you. Oh, of course. Yeah. You know, the answer with your husband is, yeah, I see you. I've always seen you and I love you.
But the only person who's not buying it right now is you. Right. Do you think you're worth being loved, Jessica? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I tell myself that I believe that I'm worth being loved. Yeah, but we tell all kind of crap to people. Yeah. Let me ask you a harder question. Are you worth being loved if you gained back 40 of the 100 pounds?
That is a harder question. Because the answer to that question is absolutely yes. Yeah, I know that if you were asking me about does my daughter, if she gained weight when she was an adult, yeah, of course. Would your husband still want to sleep with you if you gained 40 pounds and you were only down 60 pounds? Yeah, a billion percent. You're like, I could, yeah, yes, he always wants to. Correct. You see what I'm getting at?
The stories you're telling yourself are a, they're a, they're a composite of the stories your mom told you, the stories your dad didn't tell you. And if your dad didn't just drive you crazy with looking you in the eyes and telling you how beautiful you were growing up, I'm sorry. Thank you. And the stories are a composite of what the boys that didn't ask you out and the ones that did and the snickering and the jokes and
And the Instagram that you scroll. But here's the thing. All those stories mush together and they become the story you tell yourself. And that's hell on earth. And there's some beauty there. Can I tell you what the beauty is? Yeah. You get to change the story. That would be awesome. It's just a choice. And I wish it was anything beyond that. I wish it could just be given to you. It can't be. You have to decide. I'm going to tell myself a different story. And that might mean I'm going to cut off some of the other stories. That might mean I'm going to write...
13-year-old Jessica a letter and tell her, I'm sorry what those people said to you. I'm sorry about the jokes. You're an amazing little girl. That would be a tough exercise to do. Okay, good. You're going to write three letters. You ready? You're going to write three of them. You're going to hate it. Okay, I'm ready. You're going to write one to 13-year-old Jessica. Okay. And I want you to be very specific. I'm sorry that you got boobs before everybody else did, or I'm sorry you didn't.
I'm sorry that you started your period way before everybody or you didn't. I'm sorry that mom said that. I want you to be very specific, okay? Letter number two is you're going to write a letter to 13-year-old your daughter. And you're going to tell her how freaking amazing she is. And the things you began to do when she started kindergarten so that she could have a firm sense of anchoring. She could find herself because she was so anchored into relationship with you and her dad. Okay? Okay.
How old are you right now? I'm 30. You're going to write a letter to 35 year old self as exercise number three. Okay. And you're going to write Jessica, 35 year old Jessica letter about what an amazing badass she's become. And it's not going to be hocus pocus, uh, vision board nonsense. Right. It's going to be, here's the stuff I begin to do. I begin to write myself a note every morning.
I began to say, do four or five gratitude statements. And I wrote it in a journal and I kept them for five years. So one day my daughter's going to read them, but it was me reminding myself, I'm a great wife. I'm a great mom. I lost a hundred pounds. And then they took an organ out of my body and I rested for God's sake. Right.
And you're going to turn off the crap that says after they take an organ out of your body, you have to get back on the assault bike the following morning. It's nonsense. And I started seeing a therapist so I could get to the bottom of the body dysmorphia. Yeah. Because you can't cut food out of your life. You've got to make peace with it. That's a different journey. That is a whole journey. It is. For sure. You see what I'm saying? But I want you to be very specific for 35-year-old Jessica about here's who we're becoming. Yeah.
I want that not just for me, but like for my daughter and to be able to kind of break that cycle of, of women, you know, hating the body that they live in. We don't get another one. So I've got to figure out a way to love the one I have. But it's not just about loving. It's about being a steward of, you see what I'm saying? It's both. And I wish it wasn't. I wish we could just like yell things into the mirror and,
Right. It just doesn't work like that. I have to go do things differently also. Yeah. But they have to come from a place. It's the same. It's the thing Sal DiStefano of the Mind Pump guys told me one time. He said, John, if you go to the gym every day because you hate yourself and you think you look like crap, you will never have a successful relationship with exercise. And he said, if you wake up every day and you're like, dude, I get one hour to myself because I'm John freaking Deloney. He said, you'll do that for the rest of your life.
Yeah. Because it's a way of honoring yourself. I think that's what's hard is that's where I used to be. And now it feels more the other way of like going for a punishment versus enjoyment. Okay. Then you've pinpointed where your work is. You've pinpointed it. Shined a light on it. And that letter to Jessica, 35-year-old you, I want you to be very specific about the conversations that you begin to outsource to your husband for a season while you begin to recalibrate. Okay, my feelings aren't telling me the truth anymore. They're trying to keep me safe still.
They're trying to protect my six-year-old daughter now, but they're not telling me the truth. So when my husband looked at me and said, my God, you're beautiful, I decided I'm going to believe him, even though it didn't feel, quote unquote, feel just right. And when I didn't, quote unquote, feel like exercising, I went ahead and did it anyway. I worked out. I did. And I followed a nutrition plan pretty closely, and I was healthy, and I worked with some professionals, and I got some help. And when my daughter made cookies, I had a bunch of them because I love my daughter.
And I met with the same group of women over five years. We met every week, once a week, just to get together and do whatever. And it became a safe place for my body to exhale and know deep in my bones I am loved. I am seen and known and loved. Period. It's both and. Both and. Jessica, you're amazing. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
Now we're going to take the next step and we're going to exhale not to get back. What was, we're going to build something new. And here's the, here's the important exercise with writing the letter to 35 year old you, it gets your head out of your belly button right now. It gets your head out of the, the immediate, like, ah, and it looks up over the horizon and says, okay, the future's coming. I get to be a part of creating what this future looks like. I'm going to keep my eyes up, my head up. I'm going to throw my shoulders back and I'm going to go make that happen.
Thank you so much for being brave and calling, Jessica. I'm really grateful. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest...
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Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. Hey, we are back. All right. I'm going to take a little left turn here with a segment called Facts of Your Friends. We're going to talk about... Oh, is this when you cue the Marlboro music?
There we go. The Camaro, like in my jeans tucked into my boots. Smoking Marlboro Reds, this old rock music. All right. So we're going to talk about the election is upon us. It's almost here. We're getting close. It's getting dramatic. And there's screaming and yelling and all this stuff. So I keep getting calls and letters and messages.
direct messages about dealing with election anxiety. Wrote a blog about it and we'll link to it in the show notes, but I want to run through a couple of things that you can do right this second to help alleviate the election anxiety. And by the way, if you got kids in the house and you're walking around electric, they are going to be electric. If you're a hyper anxious mess, they are going to manifest some sort of hyper anxious mess. So one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is
is not to say everything's okay because it might not be all okay and not to bury your head in the sand but to head directly into this discomfort into the anxiousness and control you can control and move on so here's a couple of tips i'm not going to go through all of them you can read the whole blog but um i'm going to give you a couple of them okay here is number one if you are feeling stressed about the upcoming election you've got some election anxiety number one
Turn off the news. Turn it off. Turn it off. If you have already decided who you're going to vote for, turn it off. Turn it. Stop following social media accounts that all they do is get on and go, can you believe? Stop. Unfollow them. Unfollow them. Pick it right back up the day after the election if that's your drama, if that's your addiction. But turn it off. Okay? Stop pouring gasoline on a burning fire.
Number two, if you honestly with integrity can say, I don't know who I'm going to vote for. I don't. There are some websites and I'm not going to get into the middle of them, but there are some websites that you can go to to actually dig in and say, okay, what are the issues here? What are the ones I care about? And let's go and see which ones I care about. And I'm going to start making some informed decisions. But I want you to consume media if you have to.
with an intent on making a decision, not just passively consuming it. What does that mean? I'll say it like this. When it comes to eating junk food, I have no problem with somebody parking the wagon, climbing off the wagon, and rolling around in the mud for a while because that's done with intentionality. What I don't like is when people fall off the wagon. You hear that phrase a lot, I just fell off the wagon.
If you're going to eat junk, do it with intentionality. I'm choosing. I know it's going to cost me some sleep. I know it's going to not make me feel great tomorrow, but I really want seven pieces of cheesecake right now. Knock your lights out. Seven's a lot. Probably shouldn't do that, but you know what I mean? So if you're going to consume news about the election, about what's coming up, about policies, about politics, do it with intentionality, with an idea towards making a decision. Okay.
Your body can only handle so much catastrophic news. It's not designed to have every nook and cranny of planet earth pumped into your head with all the catastrophe, all the bad stuff, all the negative stuff, all of the, could you believe when so-and-so is 14, they can't handle it all. You can't handle it all. Turn it off. Turn it off. Number two, is it going to sound a little bit counterintuitive? Number two, I want you to get involved as you can locally.
I think we all go bonkers around presidential season because our bodies know at the end of the day, we get one vote. There are millions and millions and millions and millions of votes cast and we get one, we get one. And that one vote is more than just like, oh, it doesn't matter. It's just one out of millions. It means something. It means I'm participating. So your vote does count. It does matter. Every single one does count. It does matter. But then what? You do your one vote.
where you can actually on a day-by-day, minute-by-minute basis make a difference is not by following and reposting. That doesn't do anything. It just makes the angry group who's already angry angrier. And yes, I'm talking to you, Facebook warriors and Instagram warriors, people who just mainline news. Stop, stop. What you can do is get involved locally. Run for school board.
Take the school board people out for lunch and say, I want to get to meet you. Go get involved as a local representative. Go knock on doors. Go get involved locally. Do something locally in your neighborhood. As my buddy Andy Gullahorn says, love local. If everybody begins to love local, national stuff changes. So do something. Start a recycling program. You want to do something that's super easy?
Take your kids for a walk after dinner. Take your spouse for a walk after dinner. If you're just you, you go by yourself. Take your dog for a walk. Just you go for a walk. And take a trash sack. Pick up trash as you walk. That's it. Get involved locally. And it does a couple of things. Number one, you actually see something different because of your intervention. You feel it. You experience it. There was trash outside. There is no longer trash outside. I made this place a little more beautiful.
mow your neighbor's lawn, your elderly neighbor. Just go mow their lawn for free. Just go mow it. Trim it, the whole thing. Go do a thing that makes the world a little bit better. If you don't want to get involved locally with politics, go to the Waffle House, order breakfast, and tip insanely. Be generous. But when we sit and stew and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin,
Our minds just start deconstructing. They start creating narratives and then our bodies can't tell the difference between a real war and an imagined war. And it just starts the chemical process. We're in war. Don't do that. Choose to head right into the election anxiety and go make the world around you a little bit better place. And here's the third thing. I'll give you this third little note here. And this is going to be the contentious one.
Actually, probably all this is contentious. There's people who's already turned this thing off because they don't want to hear it. Here's a third one. Set an example for those around you. Let somebody cut in line in front of you. In the school line, when you're picking up your kids, let somebody get in front of you. Just exhale. When somebody's tailgating you and you're going on the highway and they're all up in your business, just change lanes and let them by. If there's only one pair of shoes at the store and there's a kid right, let the kid have the shoes.
If the service is really rough because the place doesn't have enough staff, just breathe, smile, talk to the person in line next to you instead of just hopping on your phone. Be the change you want to see in the world, as the great Gandhi said. And you can also set an example when you vote. Your kids are watching you. And if you're yelling at the TV, if you're telling them how stupid or dumb or evil somebody is, they take that with them in their nervous system.
Talk thoughtfully about each candidate with your kid. I did take, I broke one of my own rules during the last election. I brought my son into the polling booth with me. I said, I want you to watch me vote. I want you to see who I'm voting for. I wanted him to experience it with me. I was setting an example. That's different than screaming and yelling. So those are three things you can do right now.
Turn off the noise. Turn it off. Off the poison. The first step in being well is to stop drinking poison. Turn the news off. Unfollow the social media accounts if you've already made up your mind. The second thing is go get involved in love locally. Make the place around your place a little bit better. And the third, set an example for those around you. This is you acting, moving forward, not just being a passive recipient and a passive complainer.
The last thing I'll tell you is you got to vote. You got to vote. Too many people died so that you could do this thing. And I don't care if you think it matters or not, it does. And a whole bunch of people died for it, for that right. You got to play. You got to play. You got to play. We all have a shared responsibility here. We got to play. And then regardless of the outcome, we can. We can spend the next four years complaining, fighting and screaming, or we can get on about making this place a better place. We got a lot of problems we got to overcome. We got to do that together.
So that's just a few. I think there's eight total ways to deal with the election anxiety. That's a few of them. Listen, I don't shy away from hard topics on this show, and I'm not going to shy away from this one. This is a contingent selection. It's wild. It's wild season so far. It's so wild that I record these shows three weeks or so, four weeks out, and I don't even know what will happen in the next four weeks, next three weeks between when I'm recording this and when the show comes out. But here's what I know.
I know sitting around and stewing about it and absorbing it and scrolling it will not help a thing. Taking action, making the world around you a little bit better place, having some more humanity, 1000% will. You get to choose. I'm choosing a non-anxious life. We'll be right back.
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That's every dollar.com slash Deloney or go to the app store and download every dollar and use promo code Deloney. Get control of your money with every dollar. All right, we are back. For those of you who are still here after we talked about the election, everybody electrocutes and then heads off into the woods. And so if for those nine of you who are still here, am I the problem? Go for it, Kelly. All right. This is from Melissa in Florida. Okay.
She said, I would like to know if I'm the problem. My husband and I have been married for 24 years. The past few years, he has wanted to grow a mustache, and it's just something that I am not attracted to. You know why? Because gross! Okay, go ahead. I've never liked mustaches, even on the hottest celebrities. He has recently grown a mustache, even though he knows how I feel about it from past conversations. This is hurtful to me because I feel like he doesn't have any concern for my feelings or opinions.
I know it's his face, and maybe I shouldn't have a say. However, I'm the one that kisses that face. I think it's a major turnoff. Do I have a right to let him know how much it bothers me, or is it his face and he should be able to do what he wants? Oh, man. She had to ask it like that? Because your mustache is gross. But beyond that, are you into him? I like facial hair on a guy. Oh, I'm all about facial hair, but the stache?
Well, we had the discussion earlier that we're not okay with the beard without the mustache. So, I mean, are you saying just the stache or? The scruff look I'm down with. Like, I can't grow a beard. I look pretty itchy and out when I do that. It's all patchy. So, you're talking like the Tom Selleck stache? Correct. Correct.
Dude, I could see it in your eyes. You're like, oh, yeah. See, I'm thinking like Nick Offerman. Yeah. And like, I mean, my dad had a mustache growing up. Mine too. I mean, Tom Selleck and Magnum P.I. Come on. That's the oldest thing you've ever said. Probably. But I'm okay with that. Except for where's my teeth? You asked that the other day. All right. So here's the thing. So like, okay. I don't know how to answer this.
I literally just said in the last segment, I'm not afraid of hard conversations in this. I don't know. Except this one. Because here's the thing. I'm just going to tell you how my house rolls. I asked my wife, what's the, like, what way would you love my hair? And she tells me, and I just go do it like that. Because A, I don't care. And B, I want, if there's a thing I'm doing with my hair, she's like, gosh, that makes me not want to be around him. I don't want to do that thing. Right? Right.
Yeah, because I know when my husband and I started dating, he had a goatee, and now he's got a full beard and mustache. But he shaved it off once, and I was like, don't ever do that again. Yeah, because I find you grossly unattractive, so cover up your face with hair. He just has a super baby face, and it was just almost like, I don't know, disconcerting. But I...
I don't know. This is a hard one because it is his face. It is his face. He can do whatever he wants. But here's the deal. His... Okay, let's get to the brass tacks. It's his face. He can do whatever he wants. And his choice to do whatever he wants with that face that goes directly opposite of what his wife, the person who kisses that face, says, I don't want my face touching that face. It's going to cost him. And she gets to do that. You don't get to have it both ways. You don't get to have whatever... Right? Like...
You don't get to have like, I'm going to have this mustache and you have to kiss it. Gross. No, no, I don't. I don't have to because it's like, I don't want a broom on my face. Okay. Hold on. We have two guys with facial hair in this room. Okay. So I'd like to hear from them and about their wives. Hold on. We have to say both of them have dope beards. They don't have stashes. Really? Cause you shamed me for it last time. What's that? Your beard? Yeah. It's weird. Jealous. Jealous. But,
It may be that he has the whole thing with it. We don't know. I think we have to let go of the fact that it's just the mustache because for her, maybe he's grown the whole goatee or the beard. Let go of that. I think you have to let that go. Okay. And just think of it, facial hair as a whole. I think you're being very specific about the mustache. It is. I can't get out of the mustache. Let's just be very specific like your partner finds something attractive. Yeah. And finds something not attractive. Right. So like if Katie didn't like it, would you shave it off or would you be like, no, this is what I like?
I mean, probably I would default to shaving it. With Katie, it's like her thing is like a texture thing. So she's like, oh, it's itchy. Then it's not fun to kiss an itchy beard. But she likes facial hair, so she likes beards. So it's more like, oh, managing it well and stuff. All right. Andrew? Yeah, I've shaved twice in the 10 years I've been married. Both times my wife looked at me and said, don't do that again. And you haven't, right? And I haven't.
I don't have to look at me. I don't either. Yeah, exactly. And I guess, I guess the other side of it is like, if we take this argument all the way up to the extreme, there's, I'm thinking of the jerk guy that's like, um, oh, you will wear this shirt and these pants and these shoes because that's what I find attractive. If you don't that, like I get that's, that's a, that's a, that's a bastardization of this conversation.
The other side of it is the woman who comes in and is like, oh, you're going to wear this, honey. You're going to wear these pressed pants and this shirt and these loafers and whatever. I don't know. Loafer? I'm just thinking of my worst nightmare. Sheila was like, you're going to wear this outfit. And he's going to say, no, it's not. I'm not going to wear those clothes. Right? Does that make sense? Because, I mean, I think even from like a female perspective, there was one point in time when I cut my hair really – I cut it short and it was straight. We used to call you Flat Top Kelly. Yeah.
People, this is what I deal with all day long. When you borrowed, you were like, hey, you got any butch wax I can borrow? And I'm like, yes. Not that short. Not that short. And Robert never said anything because he never would, but I knew it wasn't his favorite. And so later, when it came time to, hey, I need to decide if I'm going to keep this or not, he was like, I really do miss your long curly hair. Great. I know that he likes that. And you could have said, I don't care what you like. Yeah, and he would have been, all right, it's up to you. I know what...
I value his opinion in that. There you go. And that, so ultimately getting underneath all of it is, I guess I want to be in a relationship where if I draw a line that like, if I, if I, I want to use my veto power sparsely. If I say, I hate having facial hair and my wife says, I love facial hair, but shave it off. Cause I value like when you have to draw this line, I value that more than,
Like being right. The other side of it is like, if you don't super care, then don't super care. You know what I mean? I also want to be in a relationship where my wife is like, Hey, do you like my hair really long? Or you like it really short? Cause I want to be beautiful for you. And when I come in and be like, do you like my hair? Like she would, if she had her drillers, I would shave my head all the time. She likes it. Just no hair at all. And so when I say like, Hey, how would you like, I'm getting ready to get my haircut. And she's like, I really like it when you do it like this. I want to be attractive to her.
And so that sense of, like, I want to be in a relationship where we both are wanting to be attractive for each other. Not, I'm going to live my best self and you got to – I just don't like that attitude. Yeah. Okay. So but in this case, we don't know that that is his attitude. He's just maybe trying it. Like, hey, I've always wanted to grow and I'm just going to try and see what happens. We don't know that he's being a jerk about it. But if she looked at him and said, I think mustaches are gross. Yeah.
don't please don't ever do that and he's like oh i'm doing it i mean maybe it's funny i don't know yeah yeah it's a hard one to answer it is i don't think there's a true problem in the mix necessarily because like i said we don't know his we don't know how he's responding i'm always gonna blame the dude with the mustache that's all i'm saying always not really again people listening is jealousy i haven't shaved like in nine months this is all i got
That's all I got. I'm basically a middle schooler, so that's it. A lot of this is just coming from a sense of insecurity and jealousy. Yeah. But I just, I don't get the... But I don't think there's a clear-cut answer on this one. There is. There is? No mustaches in America. That's the answer. I disagree. Gross. Love you guys. See you soon.