98: Branches of Government: Prison Over Pizza Leftovers? Who’s Really Making Our Laws? | Dark History With Bailey Sarian
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You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean it fits you just right so you wear it all the time but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I

I love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops. And my favorite part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman

and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen. And you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

RIP. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. Something terrible happened to me recently. It was really bad, you guys. Like, someone stole one of the most important things in my life right out from under me. Yeah, someone stole...

My leftover pizza. But it was the one that I was saving 'cause I was gonna take it to lunch the next day and I was looking forward to it. They took it with no shame. Hello, I was upset. And I know some of you can relate at home 'cause you're coming home and you're wanting that leftover and guess what? It's gone. Leftover theft is a serious problem in this country. And it seems like every year it's getting worse.

So I asked myself, Bailey, what would happen if I tried to get a law passed about this? And how the hell do you get a law passed in the first place, huh? Well, friends, I around and I found out. And along the way, I learned a lot about this country, specifically how the branches of our government work. And I'm excited because I learned some things and they're quite interesting and I want to share them with you. So let's go.

Hi friends, I hope you're having a wonderful day today. My name is Bailey Sarian and I'd like to welcome you to my podcast, Dark History. Hi, how's it going? Great. Now, if you're new here, this is a chance to learn the history about stuff that for some reason were not in our school books. You know, maybe the stuff that they left out for some kind of reason. I don't know.

But we're going to find out together. Me and you, we're going to learn. You know, let's do it. Hold my hand. We're going to learn. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and let's talk about that hot, juicy history. Goss.

So when I was learning about the Founding Fathers for the last episode, I had an honest realization. You know, like, I don't remember learning about how our government actually functions. I remember it being really confusing. I knew that. Like, there's branches, has to do with, like, a tree, something like that. And I know there's someone who does checks and balances, but I...

So I do know that someone balances these checks that I'm speaking about and like usually there's one person in charge of all of it.

I think. But I never really think about like any of this until it's time to vote, really. Right? But I mean, all of it's so, it's so complicated, you know? And it's like, why? Are they trying to confuse us? And I think the answer is yes, really. There are so many different moving parts to this giant machine that is our government. And it's crazy that we're, like every four years, we are supposed to pick the people who will

run it best, right? It's kind of like getting on an airplane and being told that you have to vote for who the captain should be, right? Like, first of all, step one, do I know how a plane works? So then how do I pick a captain? You know, are we just guessing? Is it a raffle? So friends, today we're going to figure out how the government works. Once upon a time, the founding fathers created the constitution in...

1787. And that's 11 years after the colonies of America said screw you England. Boo! We don't want tea. We want cocaine in our syrup. And declared independence from Great Britain. So

So the Constitution was essentially like a list of laws that set the boundaries for young America. It's kind of similar to the Ten Commandments. Now, a lot of people think the Constitution is untouchable, but I found out that our founding fathers actually believed these laws should be rewritten once every 20 years to reflect how society naturally changes over time.

It's like, oh wow, really? That's sick. That makes sense, right? Duh. So maybe they'd update it to where it makes sense now. Like, put your blinker on. That should be in the constitution. It's not that hard. It helps all of us. First of all, it says something about bearing arms, right? Bear arms. But how do we know they didn't mean literal bears? Exactly. Vote for me. Literal bears.

Anyway, the Constitution established the most important parts of our government. The three branches, separation of powers, as well as checks and balances. Don't leave me, okay? I know it's already getting boring, but let me tell you, you're probably wondering, like, why are there multiple branches, right? Well, that's where the separation of powers and checks and balances comes in.

The founding fathers wanted to make sure that one branch wouldn't be more powerful than the other and maybe start running the show, calling the shots. It's the same reason why I have Joan and Paul here. They keep me humble or something. What should I say about Joan? She looks good. Are you a judge? What are you judging? You're making laws? I know, I'm tired too.

Are you a judge? Yeah, I know. It's cold in here. So think back to when your high school football captain decided to run for president of student council. Okay? And he's promising all sorts of stuff. Like, I'm going to put vending machines on every corner of the school and homework's going to disappear. Oh, and everyone gets laid on fire.

Friday! You know, they're making all these wild claims. Everyone's going wild. Tits are flying. And then guess what? They elect him. And then what happens? Nothing. You never hear about it again. Like, what's the whole point? You know, none of those things can happen without the school board and the principal giving the green light and allowing it. So it never happens, right? Okay, so that...

Little scenario I just painted you is like how our checks and balances within our government work. Just think of that, okay? Laws are like the skeleton of America and the checks and balances are the body, body that keeps everything together.

I like that, you know? And I figured the best way to learn about the government and how it all works would be to pass a law. People have been making and passing laws in America for hundreds of years. And I mean, it's our right as an American citizen to know how to pass one, right? Shouldn't we all know? So Bailey, Joan, how the hell do you pass a law?

Crickets. Okay. So I wanted to create a law because something happened to me a while ago and it was awful. It was terrible. Okay, so one night I ordered this really good pizza. I treated myself. I planned the whole night. I put on my fuzzy socks, my big comfy t-shirt, a pair of, I don't know what I was wearing. Just imagine whatever fantasy you want. I was wearing it. I sat my ass down.

on my couch and I turned on quarters and I ordered myself a delicious pizza. I was in for the night, bitch. The crust, buttery, soft, crunchy, but like still doughy. Pepperoni, don't even get me started. It was dripping all over. It was dripping all over.

And you know, in the end I was sad because I couldn't finish it. But I was like, you know what? I'm going to save this and eat it for tomorrow. And I knew tomorrow was going to be a good day because I was going to have that good ass pizza. So then I go to bed, right? The next morning I grab the leftovers. I bring it to work, which is at the time at an electronic store that I won't mention, but it sounds like Heshai. I put the pizza in the breakfast room fridge.

And I'm like, okay, I'm coming back for you. Can't wait 12:30 bitch. Lunchtime, me and you babe. I made a date, closed it. Boom. Lunchtime comes around. Beep bop boop, clock out. Go to the break room, open the fridge. Guess what? Guess what? My pizza was gone. It was gone. Someone like literally out here with no manners just ate my food. I first of all, shook it to the core.

Right? Because who does that? We're grown up adults. We're well above our 30s now. Like, what is happening? Okay, anyways, I won't go on. I'm still, to this day, triggered. I just, I, I, so I wrote a note. I was like, who fucking took my pizza? And I put that on the fridge.

And then I got fired and that's another story. So this happened at work and I kind of had my eye on one person specifically. I'm gonna say her name was Reba, okay? And Reba was the type of person who, she would never tell me the truth. You know, she would never confess. And the more I talked about this issue with people, the more I realized that everyone has either been a Reba or a Bailey.

What if there was a law around this? You know, because every time you ask around, people have different opinions or answers as to like who gets the leftovers. It's weird. And usually when two people disagree about something, that's where the law comes in to settle it, right? And after all, aren't we all

all born with the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of day old pizza. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear it all the time, but maybe now it's getting a little old.

Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops, and my favorite part,

All Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices

and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen and you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

R.I.P. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer survey who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. One meal kit.

So I sat down at my desk and I smoked a little bit of the devil's lettuce. And I started to think about all of the ins and outs of what would make a good leftover law. I got my feather, my, what's it called? Quill. I got my quill and I dipped it in ink and I took my chicken nuggets, dipped it in the, you know, the barbecue sauce. And then got to writing. So first of all, I had to ask myself some questions like what counts as leftovers?

I can't remember how to spell leftovers. Yeah. Do they become leftovers the second they go into that little box? Or do they become leftovers in the fridge?

Is there a minimum amount of time they need to be in the fridge? And like, does the fridge placement matter? And if it's not my fridge, it's a work fridge, does a location matter? I had a lot of questions. This is a very nitty gritty issue when you really think about it and you digest it and you break it down. Kind of relatable and understandable. I think we've all like, you know, right?

We've kind of encountered this on some degree. So this leftover law of ours, we want it to be a law that is all over the country, not just the state we each live in, right? A blanket law. So that means we want to pass what is called a federal law. And in order to do that, this law is going to have to visit every branch of the government.

So right off the bat, you don't need to be elected to any office or like hold any special degree to propose a law. Anyone can do it. I don't know if you can, girl. I'll circle back. But anyone can really do it. Your crazy uncle, your neighbor, your dog. I'm sorry, not your dog. Aunt Barbara, she's dead.

Anyways, it kind of feels like a hack that not a lot of us know about, right? But also better if some don't. Just let them have fun. So the next thing to do is write down our idea for this law. And something I thought that was pretty cool was that it doesn't need to be written out in fancy legal jargon on fancy stationery. It could literally be written by a seven-year-old on a five-guys napkin from like your glove box.

Also, guess what? They accept emails too. I know. So now you're like, "Bailey, Bailey, whoa, whoa. Calm those tits. How the hell am I supposed to know who my local representative is?" I know. Tits calmed. I'll tell you. It's actually really easy to find. All you need to do is go to the House of Representatives website. Their website. You don't have to show up to their house. Okay? You're gonna put in your zip code.

boop, hit the enter button. And it's going to spit out who your local representative is. Yeah. And all of this information is public. So great. Helped you out. Now, the main reason you need to involve this representative is because you need them to be what is called a sponsor. And no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like HelloFresh. Love you, HelloFresh. But it's not like a HelloFresh sponsor. It's a person who is co-signing on your idea. They're backing you up. They're

They're like, hey, that's great. Sponsor. And getting a sponsor is important because this person joins whatever cause you're going for, and they're going to use their own political power to help pretty much get everyone what they need to pass a law. Great. I mean, as Lady Gaga once said numerous times, there can be 100 people in a room, and even if 99 don't believe in you, you just need one who does.

So if we really want to up our chances of getting this bill seriously considered, we also want to add someone called a co-sponsor, aka, you know, someone else to join the cause and use their political power to help us in our law. In a perfect world, this co-sponsor is from the opposite political party. This shows that, hey, hey everyone, we can all agree that

This law should happen. I know, it's like everyone coming together and being like, "Yeah, same." And it's beautiful. This is what is called a bipartisan issue because everyone cares about the cause. Like, you know, left wing, right wing, don't touch my leftover chicken wing.

That's really the greater point here. So at this point, our idea is what's known as a bill. It's not like a law yet. It's just a bill. So let's say our leftovers bill has been sponsored by important people on both sides. Yay. So just like that, our sponsors take our leftover bill and present it to...

Congress. Now, Congress is made up of two parts, the House of Representatives and the Senate. And all this together gives us our first branch of the government, the legislative branch.

Yeah. And they are the ones who are responsible for writing laws. This branch exists because of us. I mean, we are the ones that elect them. Yeah, you. The House of Representatives has 435 members and between them, they represent all 50 states. And every state has a different amount of representatives because it's based on the population of the state they come from.

So if you take a big state like California, real big, real juicy, meaty, has some girth to it. They have 57 representatives, but a state like Alaska has only one.

Yeah, they only got one. Either way, all of these representatives are the ones to actually get the leftover bill idea really going. So the first thing they need to do is get that bar napkin, that little idea that was written down on the napkin, they need to get that to sound more legit.

So this is when they actually take that little document and they write it into official government language. You know, the language that none of us understand? Translators. That's what they really are doing for us. Yeah. So they, our sponsor links up with a bunch of super smart legal people, you know, and they all write it out. And it's...

literally a different language. Like per section 40 of the United States Civil Code subsection 5104 E2C published for December readers.

Girth. So essentially our idea of the law is like us, it's kind of like when you're humming a tune and then the legal nurse, they take that tune that you're humming and they turn it into like sheet music. It's kind of beautiful when you think about it. So you guys are dancing and beautiful waltz.

Okay, look, in the end, all that matters is that the sheet music, right, comes out beautifully and that the orchestra can read it. And in this case, the orchestra is Congress. Bitch.

Yep, we're making a law. Get in line. So then our sponsor prints out the leftovers bill and marches his political ass into the United States Capitol building. Now, quick reminder, the United States Capitol is one of the most iconic buildings in Washington, D.C. It's white with a bunch of columns and has the round top to it. It kind of looks like an upside down Diva Cup. So once Diva Cup

They get inside with our bill in hand. Our sponsor heads into the Chamber of Secrets. I'm just kidding. It's called the House Chamber, but it sounds very BDSM, huh?

I know. All that girth. Now, the House Chamber is a giant room in the United States Capitol. There's like royal blue carpet and hundreds of chairs that are organized in a semicircle facing the podium where somebody called the Speaker of the House is standing. The Speaker of the House is kind of like a manager of the store, of a store. And they call like the shots and they decide what product or bill the group is going to be pushing this week. You know.

So our sponsor walks up to the center aisle of the chamber and heads to something called the hopper. The hopper is a cute wooden box hanging off the side of a clerk's desk. Oh, it's honestly like those little Payless shoe boxes we'd hang off our desks at school for Valentine's Day. You remember. And like the Valentine's boxes would be sometimes for some kids, but not all kids. But like the hopper would be packed. Mine was always empty. Oh my God, it was so embarrassing. Oh, okay.

Trauma! The minute the sponsor drops the paperwork in, our bill is on her way to finally being law. But before that, things are about to get dramatic. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear it all the time. But maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I

love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops. And my favorite part, all Quince items are priced $50 to

80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices

and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen and you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

RIP. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner, and more. So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24, 7, 365 days a year so you're protected no matter what.

It looks great.

Next, the bill is assigned to something called a committee. In this committee, there's like dozens of representatives from both political parties there. So their whole purpose is to debate the pros and cons of a bill. So in this specific case, most likely it would probably go to something like the Committee of Agriculture.

The Agriculture Committee holds hearings on most bills that are food related. So the leftovers bill is like right up their alley. So that's why the leftovers bill would make sense here.

Great. So they decide, should it move forward? Should it be adjusted? Or should the bill die? Like, it's kind of stupid. Get rid of it. Now, this is the part where all of the bill's questions are addressed and sorted out. Literally every single detail you can think of, they will sort, address, question, out.

Great. Now, it might sound silly, but here are some of the things that would literally be discussed if my leftover bill was up for debate in committee. They would ask questions like, at what point does food technically become leftovers? Once everyone stops eating or when it's boxed up? Once it's in someone's fridge, does it become their sole property? If so, do leftovers depend on location? What if more than one person paid for it?

for them. You know, there's always that kind of dumb guy who's asleep most of the time. Somehow he's in. He'll usually get up and be like, "Yeah, well, what about ramen?" Just fucking everything up, just planting a bomb and walking away because everyone's like, "Yeah, what about ramen?" Because I mean, how do you split ramen? The noodles clump together, right? When it's in the fridge, you really can't eat it the next day. You can't even split it. They crumble.

So that guy made some sense and then he just disappeared again. You just get left with a lot of questions and they're gonna figure out all of them in this process. So this could be discussed endlessly within the committee because if something is going to become a law, our politicians need to think about every single angle. But it gets complicated because one politician wants to be petty and, you know,

Just add something to the bill. There are times, unfortunately, where politicians take into account who they owe favors to. So if one of the guys is involved with a plastic bag corporation, he'd be like, well, food should only be stored in plastic bags. Exactly.

Does that make sense? Then usually someone else wants to throw in their two cents. And before you know it, the leftover bill has so much stacked on top of it, it could fall over like a Christmas tree with way too many ornaments. So our bill gets a few bullshit things attached. Then it gets debated again among the representatives. And then...

We wait. And who knows how long this shit could take, but like a few days later, maybe, your phone starts blowing up. And you're like, oh my God. You get a text. Sorry. Text. The House of Representatives has approved your leftover bill. Yes, work that pussy out, bitch. Period. And you're like, oh my God. Oh.

And you go out and celebrate and get a little turnt. Just me? Okay. So now our leftover bill gets to move on to the next part of our legislative branch. The Senate. The Senate is kind of like Raya. Oh yeah, Raya, the dating app. Have you heard of it? It's hard to get into. There's only a few members. No, literally, they let everybody in, but they won't let me in. I've been on the waiting list for a year.

Okay, so like with Raya, I have no idea what's going on in there. Really? I hear it's lame. But same with the Senate, really. I mean, I hear it's lame. But I'm just kidding. But really, because the Senate only has 100 members total because each of the 50 states gets two of them. So the Senate and the House, they keep each other in check. So each branch doesn't have too much power.

That was a hard one for me to say. But the thing is, the House and the Senate, they never, they rarely agree, okay? So things just never get decided because everyone is stubborn and no one wants to budge. It's like having a younger or older sister who will never admit to stealing your jeans right out of your closet, even though you just saw her wearing them at school yesterday.

In the Senate, the leftover bill goes through even more committees, more debating. This is the part that's like real boring, okay? This is the part where you just hang out at the bar and let them work it out. I mean, after they finish arguing with each other, they vote on the bill. And if you get like 51 of the 100 senators to vote yes, then your bill will go to the executive branch. Yeah, cool, huh? Or my bill, I should say, 'cause I'm passing one.

And the branch is actually in charge of enforcing the law that we create. Guess who's in charge of it? I'll give you a hint. It's a person you and I decide to vote into the office every four years. There's lots of arguments about them at Thanksgiving sometimes. Yeah, you know them, you love them. The president of the United States. You know, they just all suck. And it's just, they ruin family dinners.

Now, the president has a hard ass job. I mean, he's trying to run a country with like 331 million people, okay? You try. It's like really hard.

You know, it's like trying to order for a table of very picky eaters. You got a stupid cousin who can't have any dairy and you're like, well, there goes our dessert. And then there's Charlotte. Charlotte doesn't like to eat any meat or anything like that. She's vegan or whatever, which is fine, Charlotte. But like, why are you at a pizza place when you are vegan, Charlotte? She's like, oh, I can get something to eat. I could always find...

No. And then bozo next to you that you're dating, okay? He sucks. He's not even gonna pay. Anyways, so what am I talking about? Oh, yeah, I'm talking about presidents. So the president...

Oh yeah, being a president's hard. And as the head of the executive branch and the military, the president has a lot on his plate. But when it comes to passing a law, a president doesn't even, they don't even do that much. No, they don't do nothing really. So like if our law is now just sitting on the president's desk and his main job is to decide, you know, to sign it or not, he really actually has three different options. One, the dude in charge,

can say like, "Hell yeah, I agree. I'm signing this." So that's one option. He could decide to veto the bill, which is equivalent to like swiping left or just swipe or no swipey. Get it away. And then the final option, which a lot of people, I think a lot of us just don't think about is they could just let it sit and do nothing with it. And this is called a pocket veto. Yeah, so they'll just let it sit and marinate and get lost under all the other paperwork.

And this move could be useful if a bill comes to the president that is a very hot button type of bill. And he doesn't want to say yes or no because either way it's going to piss off a lot of people. So instead they do nothing. They just let it sit there.

I would love to be a maid. I just go in and sign the ones that, you know, for. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear it all the time. But maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I love.

love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops. And my favorite part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and

and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen. And you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

R.I.P. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

All right. So let's just say the president signs our bill and it's now officially a law.

Congratulations! This means we made it, we did it. And now like it's a felony to steal leftovers. Oh, this could be terrible, couldn't it? Yes. And people who break this law will face a stiff penalty. They will be fined $5,000 or spend 69 days in jail. On top of this, the lawbreaker's ass is banned from whatever restaurant those leftovers came from. Watch yourself. They're out there.

So now that we got this law, let's say I told a couple of my coworkers at Shmi Shmi Shmi about it. And they too have experienced leftover theft by someone in the office named Reba. So they get a camera all set up in the break room to catch Reba's pizza-stealing ass in action. And sure enough, around 1.30 p.m., guess who comes waltzing into the break room? Oh!

"Oh, it's Reba!" She's acting like she owns the place. She opens up that fridge. She's gonna eat something like it has her name on it. Not today. Bam! We catch her stealing the food and guess what? My coworkers, they call the police 'cause they're snitches, not me. And Reba is cuffed and hauled off to jail. But then plot twist.

There's a surprise. Did not see this coming. Gasparella. While Reba is in jail awaiting trial, the police tell her that she has a phone call. So she answers the phone call. And on the other end is an official sounding person who says, Reba, we believe this leftover law has violated your rights as an American. We're going to sue the government on your behalf. And the Reba's like, oh my God.

I'm sorry. I'm losing it right now. Okay. So Reba's like, I can't afford an attorney. I work at Shmishy Shmai. And then the mysterious voice on the other end says, don't worry about it, kid.

Even though she's like 45. We got you. And guess what? Three was lucky damn day because that phone call came from a person who works for something called a special interest group or SIG. I know I thought SIG was something like life alert. I

I always thought it had to do something like that with that. No, it's not. And this SIG is a political group dedicated to protecting small businesses. Specifically the small businesses that make the boxes for leftovers. They go by the name big box leftovers or BBL if you're nasty.

And BBL is pissed off because their profits have taken a huge hit since the leftover law passed. And yeah, apparently like people are too afraid to even take leftovers now. Not I, I say, nay nay. But in this case, the whole place, the whole country's been affected because of the choices I made.

BBL gets Reba a flashy lawyer and this lawyer takes us into the final branch of government. Cause we ain't done, bitch. The most secretive branch of them all. This branch is called the judicial branch. This branch is responsible for hearing all the court cases surrounding these laws. Yeah, it's kind of like how I think of it as like judicial, like Judge Judy, judicial branch.

That's how I remember, okay? If you've ever seen Judge Judy, you know the drill. You know, there's gonna be witnesses, there's gonna be some arguments, presenting evidence if needed, and there's gonna be people who have their own interests in mind who are going to try and sway the judge. In other words, like those big SIGs working for big box leftovers. So Reba's attorney wants to sue the federal government, and to do that, they file a case in a federal district court.

Here's what they're claiming. This is like the never-ending song. It goes on and on and on. Reba is suing the government, saying that the leftovers law is BS and violates her constitutional rights as an American citizen. She claims getting arrested for leftovers is a violation of her Eighth Amendment rights, which do not include

include bare arms. That's like the only animal involved. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Does anyone know what the hell that says? No. But essentially, Reba and her lawyers are claiming getting arrested for stealing leftovers is just too much. It's cruel. It's unusual. And everybody makes mistakes. Just like the great Hannah Montana once said, everybody has those days. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Everybody gets that way. That album slaps.

Jail is not the answer for Reba. The case kicks off. I mean, there's opening statements from both sides. There's evidence, there was witnesses, there's exhibits, expert testimony, you know, it's just the whole show. It's a circus. And then things start to get very nitpicky. I mean, there are witnesses supporting Reba saying that the leftovers law should be canceled because it's too broad. And I'm like, shut up. I just tried my best.

And you know, that it should only apply to like cold leftovers or nothing at all. And then another witness comes in supporting the leftover law because they'd have horrible experience with leftover theft. So after hearing each side go back and forth, the judge is ready to rule. And guess what?

The federal judge rules that the leftover law still slaps. Yeah, and they're like, "Hey, this law actually can remain a law in the United States." The judge says Reba getting arrested was constitutional because she took a coworker's private property. But here's the thing about our judicial branch. If you lose a case, you can appeal the decision multiple times. So, I mean, this thing could really go back and forth for years. Good luck, Reba.

You need a girl. If the case is argued in court like a ton, it could eventually make its way up to the Supreme Court of the United States of America. And that's probably what's gonna happen with Reba's case. Now today, the Supreme Court is made up of nine judges

Now, of the nine Supreme Court judges, there's one in charge and they're called the Chief Justice. All of them are nominated by the president, but the Senate still has to vote to approve the president's nomination. So if the president nominates Oscar the Grouch to be in Supreme Court, that doesn't mean Oscar should get ready for his custom black robe fitting.

It means Oscar has to be approved by the members of the Senate. Checks and balances. Are you following? Okay, look. There's like a big public hearing where the potential Supreme Court Justice is questioned about their past and all of that. And then if the Senate gives them the thumbs up, they are appointed to the Supreme Court forever.

Yeah, forever. It's kind of weird. They spend the rest of their life forever. That's lame. They can either like choose to step down or they have to die on the job, really. And that's really it. Hmm. That's questionable. Here's a crazy thought. How

about we pass a law where they can only serve two years in the Supreme Court and then they're replaced. I don't know. I'm just like thinking out loud, you guys. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear all the

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Jeez.

We can do it. Back to our case with Reba. Now, just because your case makes it all the way to the Supreme Court's desk doesn't guarantee that the Supremes is going to take it on as a case. Every year, about 8,000 cases make their way up to the Supreme Court.

And the nine justices review those thousands of cases and say which ones are like worth their time. And after that, they end up picking only about 80. That's 1% of the cases accepted. Yeah. So if your case isn't selected, then...

Oops, sorry. You know, where are they gonna do? Nothing. The ruling you have on your case now is a ruling you're stuck with. But guess what? Reba must have a rabbit's foot up her butt because she lucked out and the Supreme Court thinks her case is worth their time. I know, I know. I don't know whose dick she sucked, but she did on the Supreme Court.

Girth. Now, the Supreme Court building is intimidating. The first thing you have to do is walk through the front doors, which are like this solid bronze and weigh a shit ton, like 13,000 pounds each. So, okay, dramatic. And then we enter the courtroom where we see nine serious looking judges sitting in nine black leather chairs. No one's smiling. Who even knows if they have legs? Has anyone seen their legs?

asking the real questions here. And then behind them, they got like, there's marble, there's columns, there's curtains. Drama, drama, drama. Honestly, let me in.

Okay? So this doesn't work like a normal court. This isn't court TV. You know, there's no jury. They're not going over all of the facts of the case. Like, you know, what really went on at Shmeshne Shmai in the break room. But the justices have just one job to review the previous court's decision on the case and decide if it's right or not. And to help them do that, there is just one hour for oral arguments.

Reba? 30 minutes for one side and 30 minutes for the other. The whole hearing goes really fast. Justices review it. And usually within 90 days, the Supreme Court issues their decision. And then that's it, babe. You made it all the way. You made it all the way through. God, that was girthy.

Sorry, it's my new word for today. Each day I'll have a new word for you. And okay, cool, great. So my law, the Supreme Court has come to a decision. So they say that by a unanimous decision, nine to zero, REBA is wrong and the leftover law is constitutional. Well, look at that. Democracy in action.

I can honestly say that today I am proud to be an American who was able to pass a law and address a big problem in this country.

And after this, there really is nowhere else to go. I mean, the law can be updated a little bit. It can be fixed. It could just be passed around a little bit. But all three branches of government with their separation of powers and their checks and balances have done their job and protected every one of us from the worst thing imaginable, leftover theft.

Now remember, I mean, there is so much more that our government does every day. Okay, I'm not trying to be like, oh my God, they just sit around talking about fucking leftovers all day. It's kind of mind blowing to think about all of it. The military, taxes, social security, education. I mean, the list is endless. Who knows what some of them do? Because it's like, what do they do? I don't know.

but you voted for them. But I just think it's kind of crazy that 247 years ago, Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and all of their friends came up with an idea for a government. And the Great American Experiment is what it's often called. Yeah. And it isn't perfect, right? It works sometimes, I think. And I mean, it's kind of lame that you get a lesson about all of this when you're like 15, but then after that, there's no update.

You know? And it's just really complicated. Like, they don't want us to understand it. So they could probably just keep doing shady stuff on their own. Yeah. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be a government of the people, by the people, for the people. And I believe I am people. No, not you. Sorry. And Paul used to be. He's dead now.

And the problem with the government being so complex means that there are tons of different ways that people can take advantage of it for profit, especially corporations or different people involved. So what do we do now? Well, go take off your pants, get a cold glass of lemonade and pour it right on your crotch. Because next week we are doing a deep dive into one of the world's most toxic, influential corporations ever.

We're gonna piss people off, yay! Can't wait, another hit list, Bailey is added. You know about this corporation? They have a product that you are probably using today because they own everything it seems like, you know? And they're single-handedly responsible for Coca-Cola's success.

What are we gonna do about this, you guys? On top of this shady ass corporation, their products are linked to the deaths and murders of hundreds of thousands of people. So babe, in the next episode, pretend there's a curtain. We're gonna open it on Agent Orange and one of their creators, Monsanto.

Shout out to them. Don't forget to join me over on my YouTube where you can watch these episodes on Thursday after the podcast airs. And while you're there, you can also catch my murder, mystery, and makeup. Dark History is an Audioboom original. This podcast is executive produced by Bailey Sarian High, Junia McNeely from 3Arts, Kevin Grush, and Matt Enloe from Maiden Network.

A big thank you to our writers, Joey Scavuzzo, Katie Burris, Alison Filobos, and me, Bailey Sarian. Production lead, Brian Jaggers. Research provided by Xander Elmore and the Dark History Researcher Team. Special thank you to our expert, Patrick Martin. And I'm your host, Bailey Sarian.

Now, I'd love to hear your reactions to today's story, so make sure to use the hashtag dark history over on social media so I can follow along. Here's a few. Paola let me know, quote, Bailey is giving me Jennifer Coolidge vibes today. Thanks, Paola. I'm here all day.

E. Kelly asked the team, hey, can you pretty please do a dark history of Chateau Marmont? Thank you. Love you, Bailey. Oh my God, E. Kelly. I love you too. Okay, so I've been looking into this on my free time and I'll report back because there's something there. Okay, you guys, I'm done talking, okay? But look, I hope you have a good rest of your week. You make good choices and I'll be talking to you next week. Goodbye.

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I'm Stanzi Potenza. And I'm Brad Padre. Launching June 13th is our new podcast, Late to the Party. In this post-ironic chat show, we'll show you a window into our world of crazy post-ironic thoughts. An unlikely friendship founded on a shared love for riffs, ranting, and getting absolutely wrecked.

Consider this an invitation to our inside jokes. You're late to the party, but no one cool ever shows up on time. Follow Late to the Party on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to this kind of stuff.