94: The Joanie Awards! Best, Worst, & Absolute Worst | Dark History with Bailey Sarian
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You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean it fits you just right so you wear it all the time but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I

I love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops. And my favorite part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman

and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen. And you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

RIP. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer survey who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

Ladies and gentlemen, curious cats and aristocrats, welcome to the 2023 Joanie Awards. Please welcome to the stage, the history teacher we all wish we had, the queen of serving looks and reading books, Bailey Sarian. Oh my god.

Welcome everyone to our final episode of Season 2.

Okay, so no one's gonna applaud. Great! Awesome! Wow! Have we learned so much together!

And we just want to give some love to you, the listeners, and the viewers. We would not be here without you. And I just want to let you know we are so grateful for all of your loyalty and your comments. Truly, I look forward to reading them. And I love learning together with you. Alright, so every year, even though this is season two, but every year, I like to end the season with the Joanie Awards.

named after our favorite girl, Joan Crawford. Joan, who are you wearing? Awesome. Now, these awards are a fun way to revisit all of the wild and interesting topics we covered this year. I mean, there were 46 episodes. Yes, I said that right, 46. And just on YouTube alone, season two had around

38 million views! Wow, let's talk about crazy. Oh shit, I didn't know that. That's a lot of eyeballs if you think about it. And I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. We learned so much that it's easy to forget a few things. I know I do. So let's do a little end of the year refresher and just get into it. Now, even if you win an award, just know that it doesn't necessarily mean we're celebrating you.

I'm looking at you, Stalin, daddy. Did you know Stalin was the king of Facetune before it was even a thing? Oh yeah. And Stalin isn't even his real name. He chose it because it means "man of steel." Between the photoshopping, the fake name, and the bushy mustache, Stalin has a worse fake identity than me trying to buy booze in high school.

Come on, people, laugh. My God, I'm trying to make you giggle. Yes, yes, I was indeed a 63-year-old woman named Ivana Mandic in high school. I had her ID. Shout out to you, Ivana Mandic. There's no problem using a fake ID. People, lighten up. And hey, let's give it up for Dr. John Pemberton over there. There he is. He's looking cute, if I squint.

No, he still looks awful. Dr. Pemberton, if you don't remember, invented Coca-Cola to cure soldiers' opium addictions after the war. His secret ingredient, you may wonder? Cocaine! Great! Oh, and I have to say before moving forward, all of the nominees here tonight, they smell incredible. What's that? What is that scent? Am I getting deer balls and...

Cat taint? Yeah, that's right. If you watched our fragrance episode, you know that the original recipe for perfume used to indeed include deer ball sack. And I love that shit all over my face.

You know, deer ball sack. You get it? I like it in my face. Great. Now I know at home you're thinking, "Bailey, that's sick!" But nowadays, fragrance contains thousands of unregulated chemicals screwing with your health. Meanwhile, I'm getting deer balls on all over my face. So who's really getting screwed here? I'd like to give it up to one of my personal favorite episodes.

Dildo, I see you're here looking glittery, shiny, and new. It's wild to me that dildos are actually older than Jesus. I mean, girl, you look like you just came out of the box, right? All right, everybody. Let's strap in for the final episode of the season and get to the awards, right? Let's go. ♪

I'm so happy to be here. Oh my God, I drank a whole bottle before I came. But we need to acknowledge our two guests here who are looking fabulous. Joan, tell us, what are you wearing? Oh, a dead bird. Okay. Isn't that kind of like cannibalism or? No? All right. She's wearing a dead bird. We love to see it. Paul's here. Now, Paul, you are looking fabulous. I just want to jump your bones.

Thank you, I'm here all day. I'm glad you guys dressed up. It's about time you start pulling your weight around here, am I right? And our first category tonight is the Plot Twist Award. Now this category is all about a story that had a surprising twist that seemed to come out of nowhere. Something we never could have predicted. And the nominees are...

Granville's hammer. We learned in our dildo episode that in the late 1800s, Dr. J Mortimer Granville invented what he called Granville's hammer, the world's first vibrator. And we loved it, right? But plot twist, he said it was for men only.

Mortimer said it could be used for curing constipation, diabetes, and toothaches. And I'm sure that's exactly what it was being used for. Next up, we have Bridesmaids.

Back in our marriage episode, brides-to-be had to travel with a cash gift which would be given to the new husband. But thieves knew this and brides became a target. So, plot twist, bridesmaids became her bodyguards and were also decoys to throw off anyone who was trying to rob the bride. To this day, every time we're in a wedding party, we still have to spend $230 on a lavender dress.

I'm never gonna wear that shit again, but mazel kendra! Great. Mummy powder.

In our mummy powder episode, we learned that in the 1500s, Europeans stole mummies from Egypt. But they did not put them like on display in a museum. Plot twist. They ground up the mummies into a powder and ate them. Yes. The Europeans thought the mummies were coated in a cure-all medicine. Sadly for them, this mummy powder did nothing except give the Europeans diarrhea. If you can't learn history...

You might as well eat it, huh? And the Joanie for best plot twist goes to... Grandma, what scary hands you have. Thank you so much. Let me get my letter opener. Great. Ooh. Plot twist award goes to... Gransville Hammer, the dildo. Gransville, great for you. We love a dildo here at Dark History.

Where's he at? He's not here? Oh, he's dead? Oh, okay, my bad. Well, you win! A cheers to Grans Vils Hammer! The dildo! Praise God for a dildo, huh? Now, before we go to commercial break, let's talk about the elephant in the room. An episode that thousands of you took one look at and said...

No, thanks. I think I'll just go watch the Lisa Frank episode again. Yeah, that's right. We see you. I'm talking about the biggest flop. Hey, they're not all winners, you know? Now this award, it's dedicated to the underappreciated among us. You know, this is an episode based on the numbers many of you just didn't seem to give a shit about. But first, a word from our sponsor. This episode is brought to you by Paraffin Filler.

Are you looking to upgrade your nose, chin, or even your balls? Then this product is for you. With just a few injections, you'll get the face or ball sack you've always wanted. Visit your local doctor and ask them how you get paraffin filler now.

Ask your doctor about paraffin injections if you have any pre-existing conditions. Paraffin side effects include dizziness, headaches, blood clots, infections, giant swollen patches that you believe look like a double-shed, and lots of other things like death. Paraffin fillers. They're right for you. Welcome back! Now, the biggest flop of season two, you're probably dying to know because you didn't see that shit, was Art Heist! No one?

No one watched it. That's totally fine. Yeah.

You guys don't give a shit about art, I guess, but who knew? We know, we learn something new every day about our audience here at Dark History, and you guys don't like art. You feel good about yourself? Good. Now, this next category is dedicated to all of the incredible women we've had the honor of learning about this season. These women blazed a trail to love, laugh, and most importantly, live, okay? In honor of our resident Dark History queen,

This next award is called the Joanie Queen Award and the nominees are Ida B. Wells.

Ida was such a big deal that we gave her her own episode. This groundbreaking journalist exposed the racism happening in America. In the late 1880s, many Black Americans were being falsely accused of crimes and even being lynched. Ida made it her mission to uncover as many of these crimes as she could. She published a groundbreaking booklet called The Red Record.

that woke Americans up to the reality of the country at the time. On top of all of that, she co-founded the NAACP and did so much more, opened up schools, we love her. The next nominee, Betty Dodson.

Back in our dildo episode, we learned about a woman named Betty Dodson, who was on a mission to celebrate female masturbation back in the '70s. She started hosting orgasm workshops out of her New York apartment using diagrams, mirrors, sex toys,

would even show women how to have the best orgasms with live demonstrations. She was also... You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean it fits you just right so you wear it all the time but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I

I love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops. And my favorite part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman

and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen. And you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

RIP. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer survey who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. Here, you had to eat pure, according to Graham. So he created a recipe using the most basic ingredients and called it the Graham Cracker. I know. And I guess he thought it would, like, stop people from going to the Spank Bank.

Next nominee, Dr. Soranus. Yes, his last name was Sor-anus. That should be enough, but it's... Okay, I'll tell you more. The ancient Roman doctor comes from our dildo episode and believed female orgasms were a form of epilepsy. Great. He also said the ideal state for women was virginity.

But forever. And this only gets worse when we remember that he is considered to be the father of gynecology. It didn't make sense, but yay. Okay. Pope Innocent VIII. Back in our witches episode, we learned about a wild book that was written in 1487 by Order of the Pope. Now, this book, it was called the Mellius Maleficorum. Malefic... Mellius Maleficor... Oh, f***. It was called the f***.

book. Malleus Maleficarum. This book was called the Malleus Maleficarum. I think I nailed that, huh, John? No? All right, shut up. And it said that death was the only way to end the, quote, evils of witchcraft because witches work hand in hand with Satan himself. This book gave men the green light to torture women and burn them alive if they were found guilty, whatever that means, of practicing witchcraft.

We love to see it, huh? Being burned at the stake, always a good time. And the Joanie goes to... Oh, the anticipation in the room is really growing. I feel it. This is a really great letter opener. And the winner is... Pope Innocent VIII in our witches episode. We love a pope.

We love a pope who tells us, go kill some women for fun. That's so nice. We love him. I say we cheers to that, huh? Must have sucked to be in what year? 1487? Yeah, that sure sucks. I'm gonna need some more if I'm gonna do this all night. You're not drinking, Joan? Aren't we celebrating? We're finally done. Ah!

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oh it's so delicious it's refreshing it's like you're taking a bite out of a peach fresh from the farmer's market you know and then the lemon lime is zesty and refreshing and then that green grape tart crisp with a punchy twist

Ah, they're delicious. My favorite thing about Liquid IV is how convenient it is. I mean, I just toss a stick in my bag in the morning so I could stay hydrated on the go and it's delicious. So like, I'm not complaining and I always keep coming back for more. I mean, doctors are not lying. Drinking enough water really does make you feel your back.

And you can feel even better about drinking Liquid IV because they partner with leading organizations to fund and foster innovative solutions that help communities protect both their water and their futures. To date, Liquid IV has donated over 39 million servings in 50 countries, well, correction Bailey, 50 plus countries around the world. If you're interested in trying another new flavor, I highly recommend Concord Grape.

said this before and i'm gonna say it again until you try it because it's the best flavor

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Now we know here at Dark History that there are always two sides to history, which made me realize everything is kind of a lie. And then I spiraled and thought about jumping off a cliff. So the nominees for the Everything is a Lie Award are...

New Year's Day. Now this holiday is a damn lie because in our New Year's episode, we learned that for millions of black Americans, it was known as Hiring Day. This was a day when enslaved people were leased out for a year to work in other places. It was a day of horror and heartbreak when families were completely ripped apart. I know, it might change the way you look at that champagne toast at midnight.

The next nominee is Aladdin. Back in our childhood movies episode, we learned how Disney convinced all of us that Aladdin was a crafty scoundrel just trying to survive in the Middle East. And here, many of us thought this story came from an old book called Arabian Nights. First of all,

Aladdin wasn't even in the original Arabian Nights. Second of all, Aladdin was originally Chinese. Some French guy in the 1700s was writing a translation of Arabian Nights and was like, China, Arabia...

Tomato, tomato. They'll never know. Michelle remembers. Back in our Satanic Panic episode, Dr. Lawrence Pazder convinced his patient, Michelle Smith, that she was suffering from SRA, or Satanic Ritual Abuse. She had repressed all her memories of it until now. So Dr. Pazder published a book about these alleged memories and called it

Michelle remembers. It pushed America into a satanic panic and Ozzy Osbourne really leaned into it. I mean, he bit that poor bat's head off. RIP. And the kicker is Dr. Padzer, he made it all up. Great. Love to see it. And the Joanie goes too. Oh my God, thank you. Oh, that was a good one. I'm having fun with this knife tonight.

And the winner goes to New Year's Day from our New Year's episode. I feel bad for clapping because it was actually really awful. Our camera guy just started clapping and he's about to be fired. Okay. Only I can clap. Only me. Okay. I mean, honestly, everything is a lie.

Everything is a lie. They're trying to sell us like mattresses and shit on New Year's. Oh, don't get me started. Anyways, now before we go to, let me have some of my champagne, huh? Cheers to the winners thus far. Now, before we go to commercial break, let's play a little game that I like to call Betty Crocker recipe or old timey porno. Should be fun.

Now I'm going to list three things, and you need to guess whether they're a Betty Crocker recipe or a porno. First up, grass sandwich. Next we have depression cake. And finally, old-fashioned cream pie. The answers when we come back. The Jonies are brought to you by...

graham crackers. Are you having impure thoughts? Do you find yourself churning the butter when no one is home? Waxing the carrot? Buffing the muffin? Well take your tiny Tim to the TED talk and try Graham's crackers and God will love you for it. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean it fits you just right so you wear all the

time, but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops, and my favorite part,

All Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices

and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh, I love linen and you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

R.I.P. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer survey who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

Hi, welcome back to the Jonies. Are you ready for the answers to our game? Betty Crocker or Old-Timey Porno? First up, we have Grass Sandwich. Now, if you guessed hardcore porn, you are correct. It was actually the first hardcore porn ever made. Thank you, Grass Sandwich. You really did it for us, huh? I want a grass sandwich. Am I right, Joan?

Okay. Grass Sandwich came out in 1915 and the full title is A Free Ride or a Grass Sandwich. Next, we've got Depression Cake. Now this is not a sad orgy. It was a Betty Crocker recipe for people who wanted to make a cake during the Depression. Just sounds like a Tuesday night in my book.

No? Okay. Finally, we've got old fashioned cream pie. Now this was a trick question because it's both. Yeah, Betty Crocker and corn.

Love to see it. Now back to the awards. Now all season we've come across some batshit characters who, at times, just did whatever they wanted, no matter how many people it hurt. So the nominees for the I Don't Give a Award are Coco Chanel,

Back in our luxury fashion episode, we learned that during World War II, Coco was doing a little horizontal collaboration with Nazi intelligent officers, or a officer, my apologies. Then Coco became a spy for old Hitler. After the war ended, she denied everything, got away scot-free, and continued working in fashion.

So I hope you're all enjoying that Chanel number five you wear. It smells like war crimes. Fucking bitch.

Cheers. Next, Woodrow Wilson. During the red summer of 1919, violent riots broke out in 26 cities across America, including Washington, D.C. And for days, President Woodrow Wilson did nothing. Literally. When he finally did step in four days later, it was a little, uh,

Too late. Ultimately, over 250 black Americans were murdered that summer and it left America wondering if the president didn't care, who would? Lastly, we have the Crawcore brothers.

Love that name, right Joan? CROCOR, we love it. Back in our oral hygiene episode, we learned about the CROCOR brothers who came up with a million dollar idea, a new way to fill cavities that was cheap, painless, and could be done in under two minutes. Oh my God, it sounds like me. Okay, whatever you guys, this audience is dead. They're all dead. But here's the thing, they weren't dentists and their fillings had toxic mercury in them. Yeah.

By the time people figured out their scheme, they had put these fillings in over half of the adults in New York. Probably wondering, didn't they give a fuck? No, they sure didn't. They just poisoned half the state. They didn't care. Whatever. And the Joanie goes too. Thank you so much. Okay, let me open this envelope. I can't wait to find out who the winner is. And the winner is

Oh my God, really? Coco Chanel from our luxury fashion episode. Thank you. Coco, come on up here. Come on up here, bitch. Get your little rich ass over here. Oh, she's also dead? Great, everyone's dead.

All right, all right, all right. Everyone calm down. I know you're all excited about war crimes from Coco Chanel. I know. It's exciting news. But it's time for a little dark history quiz. In what episode do we quote the Middle English proverb, quote, give your cunt wisely and make your demands after the wedding? Go ahead. I'll give you some time to think. And hint, hint.

It's not from our marriage episode. Go ahead, guess, bitch. Try to guess. Are you done guessing? Well, the answer to the Middle English proverb about not asking for shit until you've locked his ass down after the wedding is from our cursing episode. I know, I know. I was like, what? It was cursing.

It was! One of the earliest slang words for vagina was indeed the word cunt. Great, we learn something new every day here at Dark History. And also a bonus, one of my listeners sent me a pillow that had the quote on it. And it's one of my favorite things ever made. Thank you so much for putting this on a pillow. I love it. I hug it. I am it.

Sorry, Joan. Oh my God, calm down. Oh my God, I just blocked you for like three minutes. Not everybody loves your dress, okay? It covers one tit and not the other. It's just like, what are you doing? Like, put on a bra. Thank you for making this. We love it. We meaning me. Throughout our time together, we've met some truly twisted characters, haven't we?

But villain isn't a strong enough word sometimes. So without further ado, the nominees for the Sadistic F*** Award. Right off the bat, I want to acknowledge that Stalin did not make the cut for this category. Because he is so evil, it just wouldn't be fair to the other nominees. So don't be upset if I don't say Stalin, you know? Our first nominee is...

Carl Hagenbeck. In our zoos episode, Carl made a name for himself with a big-ass zoo in Germany that had not only animals on display, but people who he had essentially trafficked from other countries. Carl's methods for trapping young seals for his zoo included clubbing their mothers to death and tricking their babies into thinking he was their daddy. Rat Box.

I didn't see that one coming, huh? Back in our torture episode, we learned about this quaint little torture device. It was a metal box that had an opening on one end, which was placed on the body of an unfortunate victim, while a flame was held against the other side of the box. As it heated up, the rats inside would panic, and they would start to burrow into the flesh of the tortured individual. I think I speak for all of us when I say...

Ouch. Huh? Yeah, great. And our last nominee, Bermuda Triangle.

Now you might remember Bermuda Triangle from our Mysterious Disappearances episode. Miss Triangle has claimed the lives of hundreds of travelers and is notorious for leaving no trace of the boats she's gobbled up or the planes that she snatched clean out of the sky. Girl, you're so hungry. You're silly. Don't want to piss her off. Right. And the Joanie goes to...

Thank you so much. Oh yeah, letter opener. The sadistic award goes to Bermuda Triangle from our mysterious disappearances episode. Really? Now I love to see it girl. You really be snatching people and just making them disappear. You're like a wizard. Great.

Cheers to Bermuda. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear it all the time, but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I love.

love so I can make sure my wardrobe stays fresh and I don't blow my budget. They've got cashmere sweaters from $50, pants for every occasion, washable silk tops, and my favorite part, all Quince items are priced $50 to

80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I recently got this 100% European linen short sleeve shirt. Ooh!

I love linen and you know, it was so comfortable, so cute. I can finally retire my old ratty tank top.

R.I.P. Make switching seasons a breeze with Quince's high quality closet essentials. Go to quince.com slash dark history for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash dark history to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash dark history.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Because number one meal kit.

Our next category honors those characters from history that just came out of left field and surprised us. Now they surprised us in either a fun way or disturbing way. Our next category is the Breakthrough Character Award.

Our first nominee is Little Red Riding Hood. Our first nominee for Breakthrough Character comes from our Disney episode. Who knew that Little Red was a metaphor for a clitoris? Yeah, a big red throbbing clitoris going through the woods, dancing through puberty, encountering big hairy...

Now, I don't know about you guys, but Little Red's hood being a clit was living rent-free in my brain for a little too long. And our next nominee is Dr. Louis Gillette.

Back in our fragrance episode, Dr. Louis was hired to stalk a lake full of horny alligators who turned out to be infertile because of waste from a nearby perfume factory. With this info, his team exposed the fact that fragrance contains hormone-disrupting chemicals that not only caused fertility issues with those gators, but also in humans as well.

Great work you're doing, huh? Alligators, they're just like us. And our last nominee, Esmeralda the dog.

Now you might remember Esmeralda from our plastic surgery episode. Esmeralda was a sweet dog just minding her own damn business back in 1961 when a plastic surgeon decided she would make a sexy test subject. They put her under the knife and gave her breast implants. In fact, the world's first silicone breast implants. Esmeralda walked so we could bounce.

And the Joanie goes to, thank you so much. Where are you? So nice to see you again. I love you. What are you doing later? I want to hang out with you. It's been so long. Oh, now my guess is Esmeralda, but let's see. Breakthrough character who surprised us goes to Esmeralda. I see you. Get those titties up here, girl. Come on. Good girl. You want to try?

Cheers to fake titties, especially if they're on dogs. One reason why I love doing dark history is that every once in a while there will be a bizarre situation so out of pocket it makes me wish I had a time machine to go back and experience it firsthand.

This category celebrates those wild WTF moments we just love. So let's jump right into the nominees for Most Awkward Moment Award. First up, Mary Astor's Dead Butterflies.

Back in the Gilded Age episode, we learned about the wealthy socialite Mary Astor, who is obsessed with throwing Met Gala-level parties. One year, she imported thousands of beautiful butterflies from Brazil, which were supposed to just...

flit around the room over the guests, just giving an enchanted garden vibe. The butterflies were kept in a net attached to the ceiling, but when it came time to release them,

They were dead. Apparently they fried when they got too close to the lights and their insect bodies just rained down on the people below. Way to leave an impression, Mary. You did it, girl. And our next nominee is... Getting randomly selected to be sacrificed for the corn god.

That's gotta suck. Back in our popcorn episode, we learned about those unfortunate people who would get their name randomly selected to be sacrificed to the ancient Aztec god of corn. Even though being sacrificed was seen as an honor by the priest, the process?

It wasn't super enjoyable. Especially when you remember that the Aztecs were big fans of killing the sacrifice by peeling the skin off of their body. You know, to represent the way corn has its husk peeled off before you cook it. Symbolism. We love to see it. If I am not involved. You know, I don't know. Great. And our last nominee is... Communal Pooping.

I love pooping. We first met communal pooping in our cursing episode where we got right to the root of why pooping is so private. Medieval castles and bigger dwellings were built with large one-room bathrooms, kind of like public restrooms today, but with no stalls separating the toilets. So when nature called, it was perfectly normal to drop trow next to your coworker or maybe your cousin and let it rip.

Bring it back. Bring it back. I wanna poop next to Joan. Poop next to... Yeah, 'cause you shit in my room every single day, bitch. And guess who has to clean it up? No, don't even tell me it's not you. I know what bird shit looks like. I see it on my desk every day, okay? You're shitting on my desk and it pisses me the fuck off. I tried to shit in your cage and guess what? I got yelled at. I almost got fired. Anyways, shut up. And the Joanie goes to... Thank you so much. I wonder who it is.

Get out of here. Oh my God, this is my show. I don't need another person stealing it from me. Just kidding. And our most awkward moment award goes to, I saw this coming, Mary Astor's dead butterflies from our Gilded Age episode. The dead butterflies couldn't make it tonight because they're all dead, but you guys won. Great work. RIP to those butterflies.

That must have been so iconic. More, please. May I have some more? We're at the Joanie's award show. I love awards. They're so much fun. We're out of champagne and I want to kill the nuns. Oh, the Joanie.

ain't it a fun top? You're welcome. You know that one good tank top that you wear like all year round? I mean, it fits you just right. So you wear it all the time, but maybe now it's getting a little old. Shifting my wardrobe from summer to fall is always a challenge. Luckily, Quince offers timeless and high quality items that I

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guard 20 links. Joanie, why is everything named after you? You don't do shit. I'm just kidding.

Oh, we're back. Camera's on. My bad. Our next category is fan favorites. These are the episodes you just could not get enough of. Some of you clicked and watched multiple times on YouTube, and some of you even listened to these podcasts on repeat. We love that you love these episodes just as much as us because we at Dark History have so much fun making them. Our first nominee is...

Betty Crocker.

Betty was an influential feminist, a baking queen, and last but not least, she was 100% made up. Yeah, fictional, fake, boo! Ah yes, she was a character designed by big flour company General Mills to sell packaged cake products. And it worked so well that Betty fans who visited headquarters and asked if they were able to meet Betty

cried when they were told she wasn't real. I still think about that every day at least once a day. Oh my god, you know, like what the fuck? Our next nominee is perhaps the most evil person we have ever covered on Dark History. Stalin.

Joseph Stalin was a ruthless dictator in the Soviet Union for decades. This guy checks every dark history box. There's mass murder, there's famine, there's war, there's being a horrible dad. He literally let his least favorite son die in a concentration camp. But to this day, some people still love Mr. Stalin.

His story is rarely fully covered in history class, but honestly, Stalin gives Hitler a run for his money. Next nominee for fan favorite is Lisa Frank. Lisa was a creative girl boss go-getter who unfortunately hitched her wagon to a power-hungry cocaine goblin named James Green. And it wasn't until recently that she wrestled her own company back from his powdery little hands.

Oh yes, Lisa Frank was essentially pushed out of the Lisa Frank Company by her own husband, which is just crazy. But the whole story is even crazier. And the Joanie for Most Loved episode goes to... This land is your land. This land is my land. From California, the New York Isle. Fan favorite goes to... Look at this.

I know, you called it. Lisa Frank! That's right, baby. You deserve it, girl. You really worked hard. I'd like to give a shout out to a character we mentioned so many times, it kind of started to make me feel like, hold up, is everything connected? Do all the roads lead back to this one thing? Well, I'll give you a hint. We started almost every single episode with it. Any guesses?

Do you need more time? This year's Joanie Awards is brought to you by Vin Mariani.

It's the only soda on the market that combines the velvety taste of French wine with all-natural cocaine. For when you want cocaine and the hangover of red wine, look for Vin Mariani at a supermarket near you. It's great. You'll have no teeth at the end of it. Worth it. And we're back. Hello. Did you guess who our most mentioned was?

Well, if you guessed ancient Egypt, you were correct.

Ancient Egypt! Yes! In season two, we mentioned Ancient Egypt in 13 separate episodes. They're icons. They're trendsetters. They are the moment. They gave us winged eyeliner, perfume, magical tramp stamps, exotic pets, and so much more. Where would we be without them? I just don't know!

Well, friends, thank you so much. A little toast to everybody in the crowd. I hope you're having a lovely night and enjoying the buffet of cheese bread and hot dogs. But we've reached our last category. Yes, we have. We've made it. Season two is coming to an end and I've been crying. Just kidding.

This award goes out to the show's favorite moments. I'm talking me, the writers, producers, everyone's favorite moments. These moments made us stop and say, "Hey, history is wild." Am I right? And there's still so much to learn out there. This is favorite moments of season two. And the nominees are Addis and his severed Christmas tree dick.

In our holiday episode this year, we learned that Christmas trees have a bloody history. Greek legend goes that after a man named Attis cheated on his goddess girlfriend, Cybele, she possessed his brain and started mentally torturing him. So much that he ran into the forest, collapsed into a pine tree, where he then chopped his own dick off and then died. Yeah.

Pretty wild. Sybil put Attis' spirit into the pine tree so he would live forever. So precious. To honor this story, Gratians would chop down pine trees and bring them into their homes for holidays and parties. I know. Are all Christmas trees just dicks? Okay. Well, you decide. Thank you. 9-1-1 started because of the Titanic?

Our 911 episode highlighted all of the controversial origins of the iconic emergency services phone number: 911. Now, 911 actually started as 999 in Europe. And one of the main reasons 999 was created? It's because of the damn Titanic. It sank. Did you know that?

There was this boat called Titanic and it like sank. Anyways, 999... The ship's dispatcher was calling out for help and no one was answering because there was no protocol about 24-hour emergency services. If you got hurt or your ship sank, you better hope it happened during business hours. So England created the 999 service to avoid situations like the Titanic

again. And the US eventually did the same thing with 9-1-1. And good for us, huh? And our last nominee is Candles Are Literally Killing Us.

Our fragrance episode this year was truly eye-opening. But probably the most shocking fact was that whenever you light your pumpkin, cinnamon, marshmallow, coffee cookie candles, you're creating indoor air pollution. This is even worse if your candles are made out of chemicals that are toxic to inhale, like paraffin or petroleum. Toxicologists have even published reports saying that burning a candle for one hour is the equivalent

equivalent to smoking a cigarette. Honey, kill two birds with one stone, smoke the cigarette and also light that candle. Am I right? And the winner is... Where the are you, hand? Are you in the bathroom? Jesus Christ. Oh, for Christ's sakes. What are you doing? What are you so busy doing, skeleton hand, that you can't give me the envelope?

Having a hard time with this one. Our favorite moments of season two winner is... Oh my God, I did not see this coming. Addis and his severed Christmas tree dick from our Christmas anthology episode. Now I got to say, I love the Christmas dick. I've been putting dildos on my Christmas tree every year and now I can finally, you know, reference this story, huh? Yeah.

Great. Fuck that Christmas tree. Literally. I'd like to take this moment to acknowledge the unexpected things we've lost this season. Will you remember me? Vaseline Balls from Plastic Surgery. Cause I will remember you. Gus the Bipolar Bear from Zoos. I don't know why.

- Lead makeup from Makeup. ♪ But if I did I'd be singing right now ♪ - All the mummies from Mummy Powder. ♪ These people are dead ♪ - Well friends, toast. It's been a wild ride to say the least, hasn't it? We cringed, we laughed, we cried, we felt meaningless and small.

I mean, personally, I can't stop thinking about Esmeralda and her dog tits. I kind of want to feel them. Is that weird? And personally, I'm looking forward to what's in store for season three. Now we've been reading your comments. Well, this bitch can't read. I don't even know. Shut up. You can't read. We've been reading your comments and hearing what you have to say. And girl, let me tell you, you are going to love it. Yeah.

You will. I mean, we're giving the people what they want for season three. Next season, we're gonna talk about some major corporations, probably get sued, and, you know, just all the favorite nostalgic moments from our childhood. And we're gonna shine a light on moments in history that just aren't talked about enough. I tell you, but then why would you come back and listen, huh? Well...

you'll have to be tuning in for season three. And I hope to see you there. I appreciate you guys so much for hanging with us for season two. And I really hope to be seeing you next season. Have a good day. Make good choices. Don't drink and drive, Bermuda. That triangle is out of control. Am I right? I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. And I love you. Cheers to the winners. Goodbye.

out of my shot hand you shut up john i'm sick of you you're fired i'm glad your contract is over dark history is an audio boom original this podcast is executive produced by bailey sarian hi junia mcnally from three arts kevin grush and matt enloe from maiden network

A big thank you to our writers, Joey Scavuzzo, Katie Burris, Allison Lobos, and me, Bailey Sarian. Writer's assistant, Casey Colton. Production lead, Brian Jagger. Research provided by the Dark History Researcher team.

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