67: A Very Krampus Christmas: The Dark Spirits of Christmas Past
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This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? The things you know make you feel better even when it's impossible to make time for them.

Like that workout you try to squeeze in between kids' activities, work, and everything else you have going on, and before you know it, it gets pushed to tomorrow. Sound familiar? But it's the moments when you feel like you have no time for yourself when those non-negotiables are more important than ever. Those are the things that keep you strong, healthy, motivated, and prepared to take on everything life demands of you. So why not make therapy one of them?

BetterHelp Online Therapy makes it easy to get started with affordable phone, video, or live chat sessions you can do from anywhere, and the option to message your therapist between sessions if anything comes up. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash darkhistory today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash darkhistory. ♪

Hi, friends. I hope you're having a wonderful day today. My name is Bailey Sarian, and I'd like to welcome you to my Christmas study and also to my podcast, Dark History. This, my friends, is a chance to tell the story like it is and to just share the history of stuff we would never think about, right? So all I need you to do is sit back, relax, and let me just ramble on about that hot, juicy history. Gus.

Okay, so if you're watching this on YouTube, then you can see the visuals. If you're listening to this on the podcast, let me describe in great detail what's going on. It's a Christmas explosion in here and it is fantastic. I'm currently sitting on the floor and I love every minute of it. It's so exciting. I don't even want to film this episode because I just want to take a little nap. Okay, great. Anyways, so today is our holiday episode.

R meaning me, Paul, and Joan. Sorry, Joan. I forgot your name for a second there. But let me just say right off the bat, yes, we have lots of holidays other than Christmas. And like our holiday episode in our last season, we're going to focus on the surprising, odd, and like shocking stories behind some of the very popular Christmas traditions.

So I just don't want you to think that we're ignoring all the other holidays. We're just focusing on the Christmas BS. But you'll see, it's kind of like giggles for everyone. We can all laugh at how dark it all is. Anyways. So some of, you know, the Christmas traditions that we all participate in are...

You know, they're pretty interesting. We all got something going on, right? Let me ask you, do any of you guys go off and have a Christmas tree theme? I love these people. I know some people, they do like the monochromatic pink trees or like they have a theme, right? Love it. I love the dedication. Lights, ornaments, it's all matches. And then there are other people who like to flock their tree. Yeah, if you're not

from America, listen to this, it's hilarious. Some of us don't get snow, so we like get this kind of chemical that we spray on our trees so it looks like snow. It's wild, it's a wild concept. But one of my personal favorite trees growing up, 'cause listen to this, we had a theme when I was a kid, we did a beanie baby Christmas tree. Yep.

Beanie Babies. We put them all up in the tree and that was our theme. So it was, yeah, we decorated that thing from top to bottom in Beanie Babies. I loved that tree and my whole family went off, off with it. So then I started Googling like, I don't know, what are some other fun Christmas tree ideas and holiday traditions or whatever, you know? And of course it didn't take long for it to take like a real sharp left into, I don't know, stories about chopped off penises and I

a cheating husband, a demon goat. And honestly, it was very creepy. The overall theme was child abuse from Christmas. I know, let me tell you, buckle in. Get comfortable because it turns out Christmas is pretty dark.

That's why we're here. Let's jump right in with probably the most iconic Christmas decoration. The Christmas tree. Don't get me wrong, I love a Christmas tree. But sometimes when you really think about it, it's kind of a little weird. I mean every year we, the people, we chop down tons of trees, like little tree killers, and we drag them right into our living rooms.

And, you know, why? Why is a tree here? It's a little, what are we doing? You know? And then we like glam them up. We put glitter and lights and put a little skirt on her and get her all ready for the big night, Christmas. The next morning, the tree does a little dance.

Some of you are wild out there and make the tree do a little walk of shame. And this poor tree gets tossed right out. I mean, the least you could do is keep her around a while. Make her breakfast. Maybe pat her on the back before you kick her to the curb. Her being the tree. And then the streets are always covered with little tree corpses until eventually they get hauled away. I mean, it's a little spooky when you think about it, you know? So, uh...

Got me thinking, where did this tradition come from? Right? It's a really fun story. I'm wearing a cape. Like, who do I think I am? Batman? Does Batman have a cape? Okay, yeah. So, trees. Get back to it. This tradition goes all the way back to ancient Rome. Now, the Romans had this very important goddess named Sibyl. And to some people, she was the goddess of harvest, fertility, the mountains, the wilds.

Just all of nature, okay? But she was essentially in charge of a lot. And the important thing was that she was a very, very big deal. I mean, she even had her own little cult following. They were called the Sibyllian cult, and they were all about worshipping nature or showing civil appreciation for giving them bountiful crops. So it appealed to the everyday person. I mean, like the farmers, especially. Yeah.

But the most important part was that they believed she had the gift to give her loyal followers everlasting life or immortality. Now, the legend goes that Sybil had a lover. His name was Attis. Now, some people say that Attis was her son.

But let's keep it simple and ignore the potential incest and just say it was her lover, okay? So Addis ends up cheating on Sybil with a mortal, a human normal being, okay? Which is apparently a big no-no in the goddess community. And then guess what? To make matters worse, he decides to end up marrying this mortal. So I mean, talk about a slap in the face to Sybil.

She's like, who the hell cheats on a goddess, right? What is this mortal going to offer you, bread? Well, Addis and this mortal are in love and they decide they are going to get married. So when it came to their wedding day, they're up there doing their vows or whatever it is that they're doing. And they're about to tie the knot when Boom Shakalaka, who comes knocking on

knocking down those doors. It's Sybil, okay? She ends up crashing their wedding because she's pissed off. He's marrying a mortal, you know? He's supposed to be with her. So everyone at the wedding is like, oh my God, like grabbing their popcorn, like it's going down, there's about to be a fight. And then Addis turns into the runaway bride and ends up taking off, running, leaving his soon-to-be wife and his previous lover slash mother to deal with his mess, okay?

Turns out he was a cheater and also a coward. And girl, it sounds like both of them dodged a bullet, honestly, right? This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? The things you know make you feel better even when it's impossible to make time for them.

Like that workout you try to squeeze in between kids' activities, work, and everything else you have going on, and before you know it, it gets pushed to tomorrow. Sound familiar? But it's the moments when you feel like you have no time for yourself when those non-negotiables are more important than ever. Those are the things that keep you strong, healthy, motivated, and prepared to take on everything life demands of you. So why not make therapy one of them?

BetterHelp Online Therapy makes it easy to get started with affordable phone, video, or live chat sessions you can do from anywhere, and the option to message your therapist between sessions if anything comes up. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Dark History today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Dark History. Addis runs and runs and runs all the way into the mountains. And according to this legend, he starts to go crazy. Sybil is inside of his head doing her goddess magic, messing with his thoughts and his feelings and everything.

but then it just goes a little too far. I mean, I guess he goes so crazy that he ends up losing his mind to the point that he chops off his own dick for reasons

Unknown. Okay, nobody really knows what what was that about? Okay, so I guess he figures he has nothing else to live for He doesn't have his wife or his lover. He doesn't have his penis. What does he have? So he takes his own life under a pine tree Yeah, kind of extreme right? So the story continues. I guess Sybil ends up looking for him She's looking looking looking she finds him but he's dead. Oh

Oh, she is heartbroken. She is devastated. She didn't think the mind games that she was playing with him would lead to him actually killing himself. So she does the only thing that she can do, which is to take his dead spirit and then put it into a tree so it can come to life again. Just go with me on this. I know it doesn't make sense, but this is the belief, okay?

So she puts him in a pine tree, his spirit, so she can have some form of him, her lover. So for the Sibyllian cult, this pine tree symbolizes everlasting life. You know, like when you hear a tree is evergreen, like always green forever. Yeah.

till the end of time. It's giving corn episode vibes. And to celebrate this, they had a festival where they would cut down a pine tree and then they drag the tree into the temple for a big banquet. This was all to reenact the chopping of Addis' penis.

Yeah. And it got a little dark because after the banquet, they would have something then called the Day of Blood. And on this day, people who worshipped Sybil would have to prove their loyalty to her by chopping off their own balls and offering them to the goddess. Yeah.

Okay? So I mean when you kind of think about it and you dissect everything it's kind of like, "Oh is this where the whole idea of gift giving comes from? Like here have a package." You know? When you think about it? Yeah? I don't know. Trees are kind of like penises. You know? We all like to compare who's got the biggest one and the best one. But then the tradition of chopping down a pine tree and dragging it into the house and using it as decoration

then bleeds into other European cultures and it gets even bigger in Germany where it officially becomes a winter tradition. With the Germans, they add a little bit of their own flavor to the Christmas tree. They add something called decorations. Oh yes, they do. Popular items were cough drops, sweets, and eggs. And I was wondering, you know,

I'm laughing because the cough drop situation and eggs, I don't know. I was wondering like, well, what possessed them to decorate the tree in the first place? And to them, it was a symbol of light and life in the midst of the cold, dark winter, which is actually quite beautiful. And I'm sure you've seen those pictures in old movies where they have candles on the tree. It's adding, well, to them, it was a belief in adding light to the dark winters.

But we all know that sketchy ass is how like, hello, that was a fire hazard. Like,

Like, go ahead, burn your house down. That's on you. But they didn't care. I mean, I'm sure they did, but you know, it was just different times. But friends, the prize for most interesting tree decoration goes to a little group called the Society of Bachelors in York. They actually decorated their Christmas tree with possum fur. Yeah, they did this in like 1823. So they used possum fur to like add decoration to their tree. Super festive, right? Love that for them.

Okay. But you know who came in and really made the Christmas tree a thing? Well, it was Miss Queen Victoria, who was a huge fan of the Christmas tree. You see, Queen Victoria's mother, she was German, so she grew up with the tradition of decorating the tree. And she loved the tradition so much when she became queen in 1838.

She dragged her own tree into the Buckingham Palace for Christmas that year. You know, the Brits, they loved Queen Vicky. I mean, remember the wedding episode we did? And she made the white wedding dress a thing. Like, she's the one that started that.

And whatever she did, everybody else wanted to do. So when they saw her getting a tree, everybody got their own tree. I don't even know, they didn't even know what they were doing. They're just like, "She's doing it, so we're doing it." So eventually it trickles on over to America. And I mean, even though the German settlers in America had been trying to make the Christmas tree a thing, most people still saw the tradition as honestly a little weird, okay? They're like, "That's a weird old pagan ritual.

We don't do that here. And then in 1883, an article in the New York Times actually called Christmas trees, quote, a rootless and lifeless corpse. I mean, they're not wrong, so, you know. But Americans have always fangirled over whatever the royal family does. So once they saw the queen being pro-Christmas tree, they were like,

You guys, the queen's doing it. So like we need to, we need to get on it. And soon enough, everyone was putting up Christmas trains in their homes as well. And America loves money. So when there's an opportunity for money to be made, you best believe that we're going to hop on that train. For example, there's a company called Woolworths. They became the very first American department store to get into selling ornaments. I mean, this was huge.

because before this people were just decorating their trees with whatever they had laying around. I mean sometimes just the cough drops you were sucking on they were like

just spit it on the tree. But now for the first time ever, you could actually have like really pretty stylized, unique, beautiful trees. So everyone gets sucked into the Christmas tree trend. And by 1890, there's one company who was selling $25 million in ornaments every year. And most of us have all forgotten by now about Christmas.

Addis, his penis, and his tree body. But not you and me, right? A common theme we learned here is that a lot of Christmas traditions here have a lot to do with mutilation, cannibalism, and death, which leads me to the gingerbread man. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking.

Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance. It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts.

discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner, and more. So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24, 7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. And now it's time to learn the story behind gingerbread men and why we are so excitedly ripping them apart and eating their delicious bodies. You monster!

So maybe you're familiar with the creepy story of Hansel and Gretel. Well, if you're not, it's a story about like this evil witch who lives in the forest and she builds a creepy cottage out of gingerbread so she could lure the little kids inside her home where then the witch would cook and eat them.

Based off a true story? Nah, I'm just kidding. I think it's fake. I'm not really sure. But that's just the beginning of the gingerbread story. Gingerbread seems to be surrounded by darkness. For a long time, gingerbread was actually banned because it was considered demonic. Gingerbread was connected to the pagan holiday that inspired the celebration of Christmas, and this was called Saturnalia.

which we talked about in our season one Christmas episode, you know, caroling, people raging in the streets. It was a good time. This event was meant to honor another god. I'm not sure why all these gods always want bodies, but they did. And it was said that people would eat gingerbread cookies shaped like men to symbolize a human sacrifice to the god Saturn, which honestly is a little bit better than eating actual people. So I'll give them that.

But think of the gingerbread man as like an edible voodoo doll. You know, it's kind of cute. The first stop on gingerbread's journey to becoming the official it girl of Christmas was at medieval fairs and festivals all across Europe. I know, I thought those medieval fairs were all turkey legs and beer and tits, but no. No.

Gingerbread at this time was in like a cake version and it was super popular because at the fair you could get it shaped like flowers or birds or animals. In the Middle Ages, they believed that eating gingerbread was actually good luck. They'd give a hunk of gingerbread to knights who were riding out to battle.

It was also used for luck and love. Like if you were young, a young girl desperate to get married, they would tell the girls like, "Just eat some gingerbread and wish really hard and maybe the man of your dream will show up." And I mean, allegedly that would increase your chances of finding a man. So eat some gingerbread, wish really hard about a hot guy and let me know how that works out. It might work, I don't know. They, you know, they might have been onto something there. Okay, well, listen, let me fix my socks.

People, you know, back in the medieval days. Listen, let me tell you. Listen, listen. Oh no.

I know what you're thinking. People back then must, like in the medieval days, they were just eating all sorts of trash food, right? I mean, think about it. They were eating like, they're plowing through roast pigs, meat pies, gallons of wine. I don't think they drank any water. And then, you know, imagine if you're eating all that, guess what's going to happen? You're going to get a little tummy ache, aren't you? Right? Right?

Well, back then in these olden days, they actually gave people gingerbread because like it helped with their upset stomach. Think about it. When you're sick, what do you drink? Ginger ale? I know, tequila, but like ginger ale? It's like the same concept. Okay, so if you're watching over on YouTube, listen, I just need to lay down a minute, okay?

Listen, gingerbread, same concept. And there was an extra benefit. Gingerbread was also served at the end of the meal to help with everyone's bad breath. Now ain't that something? I mean, they probably didn't have the best breath back then. I mean, were they brushing their teeth? We should do a dark history on like dental hygiene. I wanna know what was going on because people had wooden teeth back then. Anyways, so yeah, if you had bad breath,

Besides being good luck, serving real gingerbread at your dinner party was the ultimate flex. Oh yeah. It was a way to show everyone that you were rich. Because like back then, spices were really expensive and very hard to come by. And gingerbread back then, I don't know if it still does, but it contains a ton of spices. So if you serve gingerbread at your dinner party, it was like, oh.

You know, like this, she's got money to burn. And then, you know, everyone would be talking like, did you, did you see a Linda's party? She served gingerbread.

Who does she think she is, that little spoiled bitch? I hate her. But I think the shadiest and best use of the gingerbread actually came from Queen Elizabeth I. Queen Elizabeth's rule in the late 1500s brought England a lot of drama. She was known for many things, especially her love of theatre.

It was said that she was a little bit too dramatic herself. Some even called her short-tempered. She was a big regifter. And if she regifted you, I guess it was like, you messed up. But the worst thing you could do is end up as one of Queen Elizabeth's gingerbread men? Yes. Yes.

I love her for this because people say gingerbread men started with Queen Elizabeth. Now, Queen Elizabeth, she never got married. Allegedly, she was very picky. Every time she brought in a new male suitor, they always thought that they were going to be like the one, the one to lock her down and become the king. But Elizabeth, gosh.

She didn't care. Look, if you became one of her suitors, you had another thing coming. I guess like Queen Elizabeth, she would commission gingerbread cookies to be made into the shape of each one of her suitors who were trying to get in her girdle.

She would even have these gingerbread cookies decorated with icing and candy to actually look like these men. Then she'd have these men and her guests over for dinner and she'd serve gingerbread versions of the men to the men, which is funny. I wonder if they knew. Probably. After everyone was settled in and like sitting down, she'd make the suitors eat the gingerbread version of themselves. And I guess like if she made you eat yourself, it was bad news.

It was essentially her way of saying that you've been rejected. Sorry, pal. Better luck next time. Thankfully, during this time, a less spiced, less bougie version of gingerbread became available to the everyday person, but it was still only meant to be eaten on special occasions like Christmas. Guess who makes it popular?

Queen Victoria, once again, welcome back to the story, girl. She would serve little nibbles of gingerbread to her beloved dogs at Christmas, and her husband would also dress up as Santa and hand out gingerbread on Christmas Day. Yeah, it's cute. So there's a lot of twists and turns in the story of gingerbread, but you don't know how twisted until you hear the insanity behind it.

behind a Christmas tradition that grandma absolutely loved. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep, while you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, or maybe even grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you could be doing right now. Getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance.

It's easy and you can save money by doing it from your phone. Drivers who save by switching to Progressive save nearly $750 on average. And auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Discounts for having multiple vehicles on your policy, being a homeowner and more.

So just like your favorite podcast, Progressive will be with you 24-7, 365 days a year, so you're protected no matter what. Multitask right now. Quote your car insurance at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customer survey who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

Holiday cards. I can't count the number of spam emails I get in a day. Like I'm talking sales, right? There's always a sale going on. LinkedIn, the IRS, it's all noise. Like don't even get me started on spam texts. How violating. How many of those do you get a day? Something's up. What's going on? It's annoying. I don't trust it. Anyway, it got me thinking like, remember how exciting it was when you would get a letter in the mail?

a handwritten letter. It was such a fun and exciting thing. And if you haven't received one, that's sad. I hope you get one. I'll write you. So I feel like the only time it's still fun or exciting is around the holidays. I love getting holiday cards. Give me all the family dog pictures you can fit on that thing and like

Ugh, if you write in cursive, wow. Cursive, I am blown away by your beautiful handwriting. But, you know, how'd this tradition of sending cards around the holidays even start? Like, who was the first person to do this and why? So, started snooping around and surprise, surprise. Even something as innocent as like a holiday card

has a really weird backstory. Color me shocked. So it's the mid-1800s, and we're in the thick of the Victorian era. And back to Queen Victoria. And again, oh, I lost a nail. It's okay. She loved Christmas. And England at this time was just schmoking it. They were the envy of the world. But it wasn't all lollipops and grabbing ass. I mean, society was, you know, very conservative. We've talked about it here millions of times.

very conservative. They were acting like sex didn't exist, even though STDs were a very big problem. But it's at this time that an Englishman invents the very first Christmas card. Let me introduce you to Sir Henry Cole.

He was an inventor, an educator, and an overall well-known person in English society. He knew people and people knew him. And let me tell you, the man had a look. He kind of looks like Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein had a baby. Just crazy hair, thick gut.

Kind of Amish looking, white, ginger strap beard. And being the socialite that Sir Henry was, he was quite a busy bee. People were writing him notes all the time. And in 1840, the Royal Mail made sending a letter very, very cheap. They ended up dropping the price to just a penny.

Then Christmas time rolls around and Henry starts to see a pile of letters for him just growing and growing. He's got no time. He's a busy man, right? But he doesn't want to be rude. After all, this is the Victorian era and you don't dare leave anyone on read. So he's like, damn, I got to get back to all these people. But like my wrist hurts. What do I do? I don't have enough time. That's when he has a light bulb moment. He grabs a piece of cardboard.

gets some scissors, and he cuts the cardboard into about five inches by three inches, essentially making a postcard. In the middle, Henry gets an illustrator who draws a nice little Christmas scene, and he hand paints it. And beneath that, Henry writes a greeting that says, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you. Now, there's the genius part.

As we all know, postcards, pretty small, especially after there's been like a big festive Christmas painting in the middle of it. So Henry writes to and from on it. And he really only had to write the person's name he was sending it to. Like he didn't even have to write a personal message because it was already on there. So he kind of creates this prototype and he's like, dude, this is sick.

This is sick and I need to like send this out to everybody. So he goes over to a printer place. He orders 1,000 versions of this very design. Once he gets his prints back, he is just...

like writing and responding to people left and right, sending out these cards. Sure enough, when he's all done, he has some cards left over and he's like, you know what? I bet you people would probably be into this, this whole idea, right? I bet they would love this. So that's when he gets into now selling these for one shilling a piece, which is about like six cents today. And they were a hit. People were buying them up.

But with great success, sometimes also great controversy can come along with it, right? The hand-painted drawing on Henry's Christmas cards made religious people a little upset because it featured like a large family seated around a table smiling and toasting to a new year, which sounds totally fine. But here's the thing, everyone at the table was holding wine, including the children at the table. So that was like

Scandalous. People started complaining.

They're like, "Oh my God, this is promoting losing face on Christmas. How dare ye?" Imagine if they saw how America celebrates it today. So right from the very start, I mean, people are criticizing Christmas cards. And honestly, like complainers have been around for centuries. So it's like, are we surprised? People will always find something to be upset about. It was a painting. It wasn't even like it was real people, you know? Like, my God, calm down.

They're just mad because they didn't get a Christmas card, I'm sure. By the 1860s and 70s, the cost to send a letter dropped even more and people could print dozens of Christmas cards for just a few pennies. So hundreds of Christmas card manufacturers start popping up in Europe.

And now these cards don't have Santa or kids sledding on them. People came up with some crazy shit to put on these things. So one popular theme that they put on Christmas cards that you would see time and time again was like dead birds.

Sorry, Joan. I know, it's kind of tragic, but I don't know why. I guess some say it symbolized like how hard it was to survive in the winter as a poor person. And then at some point it just kind of feels like the artists just decide to drop acid and draw images you'd normally see on the walls of a haunted house. One Christmas card featured a horrified child trying to climb out of a teapot full of boiling water. The child is holding a sign that says, "A Christmas greeting with love."

but he's about to be cooked. So it's a little confusing. Then there's another card that I saw online that shows a dead frog on its back. It's funny actually. Well, it's not, but like Merry Christmas, you know? And it has a dagger through his heart. There's blood everywhere. There's another frog running away from the crime scene and he's beholding a bag of money. I don't know you guys, it was some wild shit. It just says Merry Christmas.

I know, I know, I don't know. I don't know, murder. Okay, very on brand for me, but I'm very confused. Some cards feature St. Nicholas jamming a child into a sack, like very aggressively. And a personal favorite of mine features a drunk clown whose face looks like it's melting off as he cuts into a holiday pie. Super relatable, honestly. I don't know, I mean, it's wild if you...

I don't know what the obsession is with hurting children, but it was, that's how the way it was back then. I mean, the parents just hated their kids, okay? One card shows a giant bloodthirsty polar bear lifting a man in the air and he's about to like rip him into shreds. No Christmas message, just death.

And then another one shows a psychotic rooster eating a turtle's tail while the turtle chomps on the neck of a duck that seems to be screaming out in pain. It's wishing people a hearty Christmas with good digestion.

It's kind of funny. So things in Europe are a bit all over the place, but it worked for them, you know? They leaned into the dark humor, I think. I'm not sure. But it would take one man to bring the whole Christmas card thing to the United States. So Christmas cards finally make it to the US in 1875 thanks to a Polish immigrant named Louis Prang, and he ran his own printing shop in Boston.

And he was feeling inspired by the Christmas cards he saw taking off in Europe. So he decided to give it a whirl here in the States, you know? Again, since he had his own printing shop, he decided, hey, I could just like make my own versions and just print them. But his approach was a little different. He was going to leave out all the death and destruction on his cards. You know, it's just a little too much for the Americans. So Louis' cards were more subtle and more tasteful.

They would feature a nice painting of some roses and it would say like Merry Christmas. Very opposite of what they were doing in Europe. And people loved his cards. And by 1881, he was printing 5 million Christmas cards a year. So Louis became known as the father of the American Christmas card.

But again, theme here, when people see money being made, guess what happens? People want in. And in 1915, a rival swooped right in, changing the format of the Christmas card from a flat, you know, two-sided like postcard looking thing to the classic folded card style that we all know today. And this little printing company that came in and swooped, swooped everyone up, they be Hallmark. Yeah, the company was Hallmark. Who won that little holiday card war?

Huh. Now they just own Christmas with all these garbage movies. They're not garbage. Well, I mean, you know. Today, Americans send about 1.6 billion Christmas cards a year. I mean, at the end of the day, I guess nothing really beats a handwritten note. But I would like to make one request to the good people over at Hallmark. Please bring back the morbid cards from 1800s Europe. It's a true classic Christmas card.

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Thank you so much. My last story has to do with someone so terrifying that the church has tried to ban him from society for centuries. Someone who has been called the evil Santa. That's right, baby. I'm talking about Krampus. And no, it has nothing to do with your period because I thought the same thing. Long ago, before Christmas was even a thing, across the sea over in Germany lived the son of the underworld who went by the name of Krampus.

which translates to the claw. The claw. I just want to nail it, you know? The claw. Tell me a story? Legend has it that Krampin, aka Krampus, is a tall half goat, half demon, half man,

If the math adds up right, that should make sense. So he's got the body shape of a man, but he's covered in goat fur. Oh yeah, goat fur. He's got a tail. He's got some hooves. Hooves. He's also known for his gigantic horns that stick out of the top of his head and his long, pointy demon tongue.

I know, I know, I know. I was thinking the same thing. I was like, that's a sleigh I wanna ride. That's a ride I wanna sleigh. That's a tongue I wanna ride. I don't know, figure it out. But you know what I'm trying to say. Cause I was like, what?

Okay. So Krampus, you know, who was this guy? Legend has it that Krampus would tag along with Santa when he would take off for his Christmas journey to deliver toys to children. And while Santa was in the house just, you know, eating the snacks and the milks and all the goods, dropping off presents for the good kids, Krampus would sneak into the house to deal with the naughty children. Okay.

The story says that Krampus beat the naughty children with tree branches. Wow, I know, sharp left. He just straight up beat the children, naughty children specifically, with tree branches. He would stuff them in a sack and then he would take the children off somewhere to be tortured or even eaten. Whoa, I know. He would just straight up make them disappear.

I'm sure some parents didn't mind it. And he was actually featured in a lot of those freaky holiday cards I mentioned. On the card, he's always looming over a couple of scared kids about to like snatch him up or eat them or beat them or whatever the hell he's doing. But honestly, I was like, wow, that's a great way to really scare kids into listening to you. Like you hear that, Henry? If you don't eat your broccoli, Krampus is going to beat you with some sticks.

Right? I would behave. He's going to beat me with sticks? What the fuck? So it was a way to really keep your kids in check. I mean, same with Hansel and Gretel. Same with everything. I mean, again, they just hated their kids. Okay? They hated them. I don't know. That's probably why our grandparents are so fucked up.

You know, makes sense now. Makes sense. Anyways, Krampus wasn't just about scaring kids. I mean, there's lots of adults who love Krampus. You know, they just enjoy celebrating the pagan ritual and celebrating their own Christmas. And a lot of them are like, just let me celebrate Krampus. It's not hurting anybody except for all the kids traumatizing, but still.

You know, but the church was not okay with this. And in the 12th century, the Catholic Church, they tried really hard to banish Krampus celebrations because he looked too much like the devil. I mean, it makes sense. He was the son of the underworld. They weren't really wrong.

but they failed. I mean, we all know when you tell someone they can't do something, it's just gonna make them wanna do it even more. So people continued celebrating Krampus, I mean, even to this day. And Krampus has been having kind of like a comeback lately. I think for a while, really. There's been movies about him. There's been lots of stuff about Krampus. And some buzz kills in Europe have still been trying to get Krampus' celebrations banned for years.

and will probably continue forever because to them, it reminds them of the devil and people just want to turn their eyes to Jesus and ignore everything else, you know? So where's Krampus today? Well, people in Austria and other parts of Europe, they still celebrate him and the celebrations sound wild. First of all, people get really drunk, which is great. Then they put on fursuits because, you know, Krampus was like half

goat half man. A lot of them paint their faces to look all demonic. They also carry around wooden masks that look like Krampus and it's kind of like a masquerade ball, but way more creepy and stuff, but fun. Then they put cowbells around their neck and they'll chase people around town, just scaring them. And I love it. It's just like a whole commitment to the Krampus thing. And it sounds fun. No gifts though, huh? Just scariness. I love it. Look, if you celebrate this holiday, send me an e-vite.

I wanna come. I wanna come to a Krampus party. Shoot me an email over at [email protected] and I'll respond to your e-vite. I'll come to your Krampus party. I want that sleigh ride. So to these cultures, I mean, Krampus is actually more lovable. I mean, he's a part of their culture. I mean, you can't appreciate the sunshine without the rain. Am I right? They sell little chocolate Krampus and Santa gift sets and collectible horns.

I need to live here. Good for them. I think a lot of us would probably pee our pants if you just randomly like showed up there and you saw someone dressed as a demon goat coming after you. You know, like we'd probably die. But I think it's really nice that these celebrations make people happy.

And that's all that matters, right? During the holidays, to be happy with the people you love around you. So the legend of Krampus lives on. I mean, he's still around today. I mean, don't look behind you. Look, I would say bust out the Krampus situation and start scaring your kids again because I see them misbehaving in the stores, running amok.

Yeah, you call Auntie Bailey over and I'll scare the children with my Krampus story. But you better listen to your mother or you're gonna get beat with a stick from a demon child, a human baby, goat, Krampus. Here in America, we're boring. We don't like the morbid stuff. It's so boring. We don't like Krampus. We have Elf on our shelf. Like, what does he even do? He's watching you. And then what?

moves around, cool. If you really wanna scare your kids into acting right, tell 'em about Krampus. Tell 'em what happens if that child misbehaves. So, if you're alone this holiday season, maybe feeling a little down, remember that everything we do for Christmas really has nothing to do with family. It's all about a cheating man, child abuse, and demon goats.

So, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, you filthy animals. And most of all, I hope you have a Happy New Year. Well, everyone, thank you for learning with me today. What'd you learn? Mm-hmm, me too, same. Remember, don't be afraid to ask questions to get the whole story because you deserve that. I'd love to hear your guys' reactions to today's story, so over on social media, don't forget to use the hashtag DarkHistory so I can follow along.

invite me to your Krampus party, goddammit. Join me over on my YouTube where you can watch these episodes on Thursday after the podcast airs. And while you're there, don't forget to stop on by and catch my murder mystery and makeup because it's always a good time. I hope you have a great rest of your day. You make good choices and I'll be talking to you next week. Goodbye.

Dark History is an Audioboom original. This podcast is executive produced by Bailey Sarian, Junia McNeely from 3Arts, Kevin Grush, and Claire Turner from Maiden Network.

writers Katie Burris, Allison Filobos, Joey Scaluzzo, and me, Bailey Sarian. Shot and edited by Tafadzwa Namarundwe and Hannah Bakker. Research provided by the Dark History Researcher Team. A special thanks to our expert, Penny Rested. And I'm your host, Crampin! Nah, just kidding, it's me, it's Bailey. Did I get you? You got me! Crampin got me! And scene. ♪

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