[UNLOCKED] Stavvy's World Bonus #99 - Live Call Show Vol. 17 w/ Robert Kelly
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It's a Patreon episode, but we're unlocking it as a free bonus because today, Let's Start a Cult, our little indie movie that I wrote, I'm starring in with a couple of my friends, and Bobby Kelly plays my father in it. It comes out today in theaters in a handful of big cities. Look, it's technically theaters, okay? But go see it.

We're just doing this as a little extra bonus to put awareness of Let's Start a Cult out there, and also so you can enjoy a fun live episode. We do these on the Patreon every month. We have at least one or two of these. We like to talk to you directly. So here's a little taste. If you like this kind of episode, we do them every month. And more importantly, go see Let's Start a Cult. And Eldis, start the music. I'll play the theme song. Scoop-doo-doo-boo-boo. It's me and the Jew.

It's me. Opa! Opa, hey! Hey, everybody. Welcome to Stavi's World.

Bobby Kelly on the couch giving us maybe a better version of the theme song. I like that. Bye-bye Scooby-Doo-Hoo. What is he? He's Greek? He's Albanian. Albanian. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. We've gone over this. Yeah, we were scared last time. He's something over there because of that eyebrow hair and pubic hair that connect. I mean, Jesus, man. It's Balkan for sure. Who shaves their eyes? Who has to shave...

The side of their eyes. This is nothing for me. It's crazy. He's pretty hairless, honestly, right now. He's very hairless. He came from the beach. He's got that beach blonde hair still. He put like a leave-in beach treatment. As you should, dude. It looks good. I mean, God, you look fantastic. Yeah, Bobby wants to suck you off. Hell yeah. Not that I want to. Yeah, but. I don't want to. I don't think I'd be able to suck him off. You would need a more petite body.

I wouldn't need more I just You know Like he would laugh Goofy Or he'd I'd look up And he'd ruin it for you Yeah I'd look up And he'd be like Ha ha ha ha And I'd be like You liking it He's like sure He wouldn't give me Like a definite He would give me like Yeah it's cool Like some weird thing And you would need that You would need Positive reinforcement I want If I'm gonna blow you I want fucking I want this I want what I would give Ha ha ha

Because I want to give that back. I want to be like, you fucking... You like that? Yeah, fuck. Fuck, I want like half sentences. So to be clear, if you're going to have gay sex, you want passionate gay sex. Yeah, I want... Like, you know those half sentences? You fucking... You fucking... You do that fucking... You're too overcome by emotion for punctuation. Yeah, I want some...

I want some fucking grind. I want anger. Now, how far do you think you are until... Yeah, I got this for you. Thank you. The regs? Yeah. There you go. Oh, thank you. Yeah. There you go. Let's see how much bigger your head is than mine. My head's shrunken. It does. It has shrunken. My shrunk in my head. What is it? Oh, yeah. You got a fly. Yeah, not that you have flies. This town where you live has these things. Okay. I live in Astoria, Queens. And it's garbage. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful town. It's a beautiful neighborhood. Why do you have to live with everything? Yeah.

I mean, that's tough. I mean, everything walked by me. It's true. You got fucking Mexicanos. The most diverse neighborhood in the world. You got fucking legal Mexicans, illegal Mexicans. You check their status. You got fucking Arabs. You got Jews. You got fucking Greeks. You got gays. You got they, them, this. Nothing wrong with that. That's right, guys. I got my fucking they, them coffee right around the corner. There you go.

No, they call these in New Hampshire. What's that? I'm up in New Hampshire. I went up to get my coffee and I was like, can I get this, this, and this? She goes, oh, you want a weirdo coffee? Yeah.

That's what I love. You like coming here to feel like the alpha regular guy. But everywhere else, you're the gayest guy in that town, in the townships you're in. Well, here's the problem. This is how you look now. Let's not forget, you were a little Latino passing twink when you first moved to New York. I was never a little Latino passing twink. I was sexy muchacho. Ha ha ha.

I was muchacho. Chico. Yeah, you've become now a suburban father with a salt and pepper beard and your pickup truck. It's impossible to park in the city that you don't need. You don't need that hauling power. I should have took the Lexus. That's how you are now. I should have took the Lexus. You're right. I should have took the Lexus.

The reason why I have the truck, because I do, I am, I have two homes. That's true. I have a house in New Hampshire. Right. That we have to throw all the kayaks and the stuff in. Sure, sure, sure. And then I have the, now I moved up to New Hampshire.

Maybe you should edit that out. I don't want a bunch of your fans milling around. Yeah, of course. Have you seen, even though Ryan Reynolds lives in my town. Oh, look at that. Martha Stewart, Edie Falco. I mean, the list goes on. And now, of course, SAG writer, union rep, Robert Kelly. Writer? I don't know if I would have led with that. I'm in the writer's union. You punched up a couple episodes of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll? I am. I don't know.

How did I get into writing? Here's the thing. You're like, Bobby, great performer. I don't know that Hemingway springs to mind when I think of you. I know how I got into writing. I'm trying to think how I got into it. But we did Cheat, the movie Cheat. Oh, okay. I had to join. You wrote that with Burr and DeRosa. Burr and DeRosa. Yes. And DeRosa took all the credit. Yeah.

Unbelievable, too. Swear to God. We're at the premiere. We got into Tribeca Film Festival. Yeah, ooh, very nice. And we're at the premiere, and they bring the people up. They just brought the director up, DeRosa, and he thanked everybody, and he didn't bring us up. Wow. That's crazy. I just want to thank everyone. Directing has always been a dream. What the fuck?

Anyways, I digress. Based on a book you did with them, right? No, the book was based on a movie we did. So we wrote the movie, filmed it ourselves, much like a you. Right, like Let's Start a Cult, and it's out in theaters today. Right now, that's why you have Bobby here in part, and you will be thanked, by the way. I don't know that we're bringing you up on stage, but we'll thank you. Listen, I don't expect... You do a nice wave from the theater. I'm not even going. That's my...

They're lucky they got me a 4th of July. No, I mean, look, man. The thing is, I was talking about writing. I'm in the writers' union. I don't know what a semicolon is. Yes, I know. Which is pretty wild. And I love that about you. I don't know...

The semicolon is the two dots or the dot with the other squiggly? It's the dot with the comma underneath. And what does that do? You know what's interesting about it? It has the same function essentially as a period. It's kind of a nerd's period. A nerd's period. When you want it to be a little more connected, the two clauses that it's separating are a little more connected than two separate sentences. And since you bring it up, a clause? Right. Is that like Santa? Yeah, it's like Santa. Yeah.

This business is wacky. I mean, come on. We got a fucking chubby Greek made a movie and put a fucking... Used to be chubby, will be chubby again. Italian-Irish slash Mexican-American-Indian-Yugoslavian.

into your movie as your dad. This is the fucking world we live in. How did it feel to play the father of not only me, me is a stretch, but it's at least theoretically possible if you had like, you had a kid young. You were also playing Ethan Suplee's father and Ethan is like four years younger than you or five years younger than you. We did the math. It was so funny. You guys like could have been, he could have been like middle school while you were a senior. Yeah, and he's so much more of a man. Yeah.

than anyone I've ever met. Yes, exactly. It's like, I'm sitting there like, is this going to fly? You're like, I remember you look, you went,

Yeah, it's going to work. Oh, no. Getting there, I'm like, ah, this was a fucking... Because, you know, I'm like, Ethan's my friend. He used to be fat. He's a real actor. Real. No way he's going to be in my movie. Real. I'm clear to cast Bobby as the dad. Ethan's going to say no. And you fucked up. You fucked up. Ethan says yes. I'm sort of locked into Bobby now as the dad.

I love that you knew I wasn't going to say no. Oh, no chance. If I said no? I'd be like, oh, is Skanks Fest East happening that weekend, Bobby? Hey, hey, hey. You don't give me... These are the people that started you.

This is Skankfest. Skankfest Aruba. They're partnering with Ray Allen. Do not put that in Lewis' fucking brain. The Skankfest cruise is that weekend. I can't make it. The Skankfest Cuba does. Communism. It's everything we believe in.

No, it looked fun. Look, if it was in New York, I want, but Vegas is just tough, man. I don't want to go to Vegas. Yeah, why would you go to the place where everything is fucking ridiculous and it's fucking, it's crazy and fun. I don't want to do that. I'm done having fun. You're done having fun? Really? Yeah. Then what's this about? This is just, you know, I'm... Hey, what's, what's this about? What's, hey, excuse me. What's all this? What's...

What's this? If we're not here having fun, what is that behind that? You're right. What is this? I should have an Asian who's good at his job instead of my best friend. If we're not having fun, what's the flip-flops that don't fit? Hey, come on. These are orthotic. Those are orthotic.

You put your foot in these you're gonna love You bought them in a store you can buy ham no They might have that appearance these were prescribed prescription flip-flops

And I've heard fat things. I had a doc. Oh, have you ever? I don't like your fat on fat crime. Yeah. Oh, have you ever? Well, you abandoned me. I didn't abandon you. You abandoned the fat lifestyle. I saw a picture of how fat used to be, and I am happy for you, but it also, I was like, I am. I actually am. You're not. You're not.

You're not laughing. I am. You're fucking out because I've been where you're at. No, don't project. Do not project. You have me as your fat barometer. As long as I don't get that fat, I'm all right. You were like, you had pictures of me. I passed you. I'm good. I passed you last year. Number one, you are correct. You were my fat barometer. Yes, I had fat.

I had John Panette and Ralphie May. And they died. You know what? I much prefer what happened to my fat barometer than what happened to your fat barometers. Dude, you know how sad I was? You know how sad I was when Patrice, Ralphie May, and John Panette died? And someone on the internet the night fucking Ralphie died went, how does it feel to be the fattest comic?

Yeah, it's like when a little boy is thrust into the kingdom because his father and uncle both die in war. You're like, I guess I'm the fattest comic now. Yeah, listen. I am happy for you. But I saw a picture because I was going through pictures because Ari, I did Ari's travel podcast. Shafir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who shits. Yeah, the guy who shits. He has hemorrhoids. One of the greats. Well, let's not get carried away. He's a great. I love him. But one of the greats. One of the great Jews. I don't know about that one either, man. That's so crazy. Yeah, yeah.

He's one of the great people. A lot of Nobel Prize winners in the tribe. He'll just fucking fly. I know. Oh, God. But I saw how fat you were, and it was like, you were a great-looking fat guy also, by the way. To be that fat, and you had just that nice energy about you. I just got scared. I thought you were going to use the word obese. Well, I mean...

I guess I won't use it. If you don't want to hear it, I won't say it. That's the N word for fat people. You know what I mean? That's when you tack morbid on. That's what morbid is hard R. Morbid is hard R. Obese is soft A. I'm a pseudodactyl. She's like, you're morbidly obese. I went, what the fuck?

How dare you? How dare you, man? How dare you use that saying? How dare you use an accurate scientific term to describe me? Well. But there was just a, it was like seeing that and being like, wow, I really lost that insanely fat version of Bobby. Yeah. You know, which I'm glad. I'm trying never to be as fat. Doesn't sound that way. Doesn't. Sounds like you're a little sad that your old fat buddy isn't coming over here with some pho in his pocket. What?

Well, no, I am happy because we would both die. You know what I mean? But there's something. You know when it's like you have a bad relationship that's not good for you, but you're like, wow, we had that one weekend in Hawaii that I wish I could time travel back to, but I don't want that person in my life day to day. Yeah.

I'm glad you're not that person day to day, but if I could just time travel for 24 hours, we could live in a Korean barbecue restaurant. You know what I mean? Just some dumplings. Just dumplings. Just a dim-sung place. Oh, late night. If we could just take a...

You're in a VR and we're just at that Chinese restaurant in Boston. Oh, the Kaloons. We went to Kaloons too. Then we went to Downsett. We went to the real place. Who'd we go with? Eugene Merman. Eugene Merman. Yes, your idol. The guy... He's not my idol. Isn't this his statue that you had made? I'm sorry, am I...

That's not Eugene Merman. No, that's not Eugene Merman. I thought that you had a statue made of Eugene Merman. No, no, no. But anyway, that was the time where you talked. That was, in fact, the restaurant where you instituted the I'm not allowed to have the first of anything rule, where I had to wait for you to open up eating. You basically, I was a vampire that has to be invited in. Yes. Because you took it too far. Yeah, I know. And we've covered it. I'm just saying that was it. See?

Single lonely fat rules to group fat rules. Different things, dude. I wasn't allowed the first or the last one. And I think that's sound fat leadership on your part. I invented also, you got to eat your crust. That's true. I invented that with Quinn because he's another fatty. Oh, he doesn't eat crust. I'm eating a pizza with him. So you get the pizza. And as a fat person, when you get a pizza, you're looking at every slice.

Where am I going? Where is he? It's a chess match. There is a ranking of slices. Yes. It's all here. It's done in a fucking belittle second. I don't want the huge bubble with no cheese. The huge bubble. No cheese or sauce. You got the crust that's burnt. Maybe I want that. Am I in the mood? You're going through that pizza in seconds. Absolutely. And you're going, I'm going to go here. Oh, there's a lopsided cut. And then he's going to go here. I'm pretty sure he's going to go here. Right. I'm going to go here. Then he's going to go there. He's going to go there. That's right. But that's cool because I'll go here if he goes there. Yes, yes. It's a chess match. Yes, yes.

You're so fucking right. It's great chess. Yes. But when you look over...

And his crust is there. And he went for the slice that you were going for, but you couldn't go for it because you're still chewing your crust. And then you look over, there's a pile of crust. Now, we're eating the same slices. You're so right. The same amount. But he ate all the good ones. Yeah. Because he got there quick. And I was like, you got to eat your crust. He goes, I save it for the end. I go, that's illegal. No, no way. Or what you would have to do is start the meal with a draft.

You should start the meal with a pizza slash draft where it's like dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. Yeah, I'm going to take this one. Where are you going? Yeah. I'm going to go there. Great. I'm going to go here. I like that. I'm going to take the bubble, but you're going to take the burnt crust with only two pepperoni. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. That's great. I'm going to take the three pepperoni, four pepperoni, and if I pull that out, if some of your cheese comes off,

I get it. Yes. I get it. That's a deal. Oh, that's another thing to negotiate. Who gets stuck on the paper cheese rights? Because that episode's the end when he starts to hide it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you pull it up and you're looking at his pulling and you're like, you better look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot. When you're a fat person, a lot goes into it. Absolutely, brother. But now... Yeah.

I don't have any of those problems. Like we go to eat, dude. My wife's like, where do you want to go? I go, I don't give a shit. Interesting. I don't care. I'm only having a little bit of whatever we get. I'm only having a little bit and I'm done. I'm tapping the fuck up. So I don't care. Food to me right now, don't give a shit at all. You're free. I'm free, dude. I love that. I'm free. I love that. It sucks.

Because I'm thinner, but I, there's always, I don't know if you have this. I've always had this dream of mine that I would become Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Never have that dream. I haven't. You used to be hot. That's the key difference in our types of fat.

is that I know only this. You were a piece of ass from probably, you know, when you were an adolescent until when? Well, no. What's the first fat? The first fat was sixth grade. Lonely. Lonely, sixth grade. Divorced. Stepfather used to beat me. Right. Got fat, sixth grade. For protection. For protection.

Mr. DiPersio took me in, took me to the father-son dinner as my dad. He was a jogger. He got me into running. Oh, wow. We were in the sixth grade Olympics, 440, little fat Bobby came up, Kelly, Kelly, I want you to win the 440. And I won. I beat this fast, lightning fast black kid, Eddie. Eddie, whoo, was he thin and fast. But I fucking muscled him out.

And I pushed through and I won. That's the Boston version of the tortoise and the hare. It's the fat white kid and this fast black kid. You know, Eddie kept stopping to talk to girls and pickpocket. But me, I just whitely looked ahead and slowly but surely won the 440. He kept playing pickup basketball games and shoplifting Arizona iced teas, but not me. Yeah.

You hear that, kid? Yeah, there you go.

bleep that out we're not being paid for that oh really sorry make it blurry just well just when he plugs it my they them my they them coffee nothing wrong with that they thems know how to make a nice coffee let me tell you something about they thems i'd love to hear where this is going let's tell you something about they them please please get on the record i i will not

I will not go into a bakery unless there is a gay flag. Is that where you got the... If there's not a lesbian couple or a couple dykes. Okay. If there's not gay people baking my stuff, I ain't going. I'm not going. Yes, you want either that or you want doesn't even speak English stuff.

fresh i don't want him anymore oh really they're too old they're too old they're too old they made money their kids are like dad i don't want to work at the bank about the fresh yeah yeah yeah because he's like his hands don't work right you're right he's starting to burn the the rolls yeah yeah we're past it you're right 15 years ago yeah but now he's like oh i forgot to put in the yeast

I used to get out of the fuck. Giuseppe fucked up. I want a lesbian and I want a gay guy. I want it gay. I want it gay gay. I want it where our butter, we make it in the back every Tuesday. That sounds awesome. That does sound great. We have up in New Hampshire, bro. Up in New Hampshire. Anywhere the gays go. Anywhere they go, they make it.

Better. I agree. It is better. How's the foliage? Up in New Hampshire? I haven't been yet. I'm going up...

After this, we're actually going... I'm leaving Friday to go film Comedy Camp. Nice. It's happening. Love it. Hell yeah, dude. Me, Norton, Yamanika, and Bobby Lee. Love that. Great combo. It's five days in the woods. No electricity. Wow. No cell service, no agents, no craft services. Wow. Woods. Wow. And us. How are we going to survive? Well...

What are we doing for fun in between? Well, we're going to be doing bushcrafting. They're going to have to learn how to do things. They're going to have to learn how to get processed wood, light fires, make a shelter. They're going to have to... I mean, dude, all this stuff... We have a survival person that's going to help everybody learn how to do this stuff.

But it is going to shut it down. We're shitting outside. Shitting outside? Respect. Buddy, we're going to be in the middle of nowhere. We have to find your own tree, dig your own little latrine, and poop in that. That's awesome. Yeah, it's...

I'm getting a little nervous. Yeah. We hit the cab. We went to Maine after I did Rhode Island. And just to take some nude photographs in the woods. I'm sorry. Straightly, might I add. Of course. Of course with you. Just me and two of my buddies hitting a cabin and being straight and being naked. It sucks being your friend. It really does. Just straight gay photos. What a bore.

You're never dabbling in nothing. It's true. You never dabbled. It's true. I don't even have your street cred, Bob. No, you're just a straight guy doing gay things. Sucks. I don't even have trying to find happy ending massages through the phone book. No. And ending up in a gay place and being like, I'm here. First of all, it wasn't a gay place.

straight place, but they were busy. And when I looked down, it was a guy's foot in a women's flip-flop. And when I looked up and I went, yo, and he went, we were busy. And I went...

Hey, I respect it. Oh, fuck. I'm forgetting. Because I enjoy talking to you so much, we did this live because we decided we needed some real fatherly advice to our callers. Because we have people on the line right now. Right now? Live. I forget you have fans. Yeah.

I always forget. I'm supposed to be doing my shows where it's like, we have one caller. It's like, Bill, we talked to you, man, but like, come on, enough. Where the guy just knows you. It's the same as Lou. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Lou. Yeah, what's up? What do we got? I'm here. Because I forget we probably have a bunch waiting, don't we, Elders? Yeah, a bunch waiting. Fuck. Fatherly advice. Because we just...

We could literally just do a podcast for three hours without even trying between us. Yes, we could. So we want to say... One of my biggest regrets in life is now going, hey, Star, you want to do this with me? I'd really let you go to fucking Nick Mullen. Yeah, it is hilarious how you launched every successful podcaster. Every big... The biggest shows in New York all trace directly back to you.

And you're going fucking, you're shitting in the fucking woods with Yamanika next week. I mean, everybody, you need the soil.

Is that a thing? I don't even know if that's a thing. The soil of podcasting. The greatest top soil there is, folks. You're looking at him right now. As soon as your roots grow, rip yourself out and put yourself into the world. Because my soil has room for one.

Let's get, yeah, so let's get advice from some of the finest podcasting soil in the universe. Let's go. Fatherly advice. Yeah, I mean, you're the only father we've had do the live calls. Well, I'm the only father in this room that's ever going to exist. Because you're alone in your house. Eldest will have kids. He will not because you'll force him to do this forever.

Two straight men acting gay in a room alone. Nobody's home. We're still in Queens. Cause I love diversity. I love inclusion. I love different people of all different races running around my house. That's why I dress homeless so they don't bother me.

That's a great song, man. What do we got? Oh, yeah. Phil could use that as the opener. What's going on, Eugene? Who do we got here, Eldest? Elfo, are you there? Elfo, unmute. What are you on, CB radio? Roger that. Elfo. Elfo. Elfo? Elfo, don't embarrass me in front of Bobby. Yeah, I'm thoroughly embarrassed.

Fuck Elfo, Elvis. I'm embarrassed for you. This is nuts. I mean, all this stuff. You have a light. That's true. You have a statue. You have a couch you got off the side of the street. Yeah, we can use that. Elfo? Here. Fuck Elfo. Who else we got? Fuck it. I'm popping a Zin. Pop a Zin, baby. We can't smoke, right? No. Okay. We'll save it for Thanksgiving. Wait, Elfo?

I heard a little beep. Oh, you really need to get that Asian. Yeah, I know. You're really blowing it. His confidence stinks, too. Elfo? Elfo? He's just stuck in a TV. Oh, there he is. Elfo. Can you hear me? Yeah, Elfo, you there? We can hear you.

Oh, what's up, guys? Sorry, buddy. What's up, Alpha? You're on with me and Robert Kelly. What's plaguing you, my friend? Alpha, before you get into your trauma, the name. Is this a God-given name? Or is this some nickname that you gave yourself so you can look cool in front of the weird chicks?

It was my Call of Duty name. There you go. Fucking respect. Mine's You Stink Too. So when you kill me, it says you killed You Stink Too. And you know that you suck too, Elfo. A very defensive name, Bob. It really is. That resigns you to failure. It's a name planned around failure. Yeah, it does. What's going on, Elfo?

So I wanted some advice on how to respond to guys always hitting on my girlfriend. Ooh, interesting. That's what you got to do. Ready? Let him give us a little context. Go ahead. You're talking to a guy who definitely would have tried to fuck your girlfriend in his prime without question. I'll do it now. That way you know her barometer that she'll fuck anybody. All right. Hit us, babe. So I'm 22. I'm white.

And we live in the city together. And whenever we step outside or like go to a bar or something and we hold hands or anything, there's always black guys always glaring at me, giving me a death glare. Oh no, we've got a future J.D. Vance voter being born in real time. We've got a future fucking... Yeah, I mean, we can straighten you out right now. You gotta move. Yeah.

That's not going to happen at Squam Lake in New Hampshire. Up in Holden, it's New Hampshire. Not going to happen. Okay, so you're out and about. Anytime a black guy sees you with your black girlfriend, they're like, Shorty, what are you doing with him?

They don't say that, but sometimes we'll be at a bar and I'll leave her for a second and I'll come back and they'll be hitting on her and I don't know what to do. Or a dude grabbed her ass in the bar and I didn't really know what to do. I'll tell you what to do. Or we'll be at the grocery store and I'll leave her for a minute, I'll come back and there's a 6'2 guy just flirting with her. She sounds like a bad bitch, to be honest with you. If all it takes is a minute away. Yo, bro, you gotta learn how to rap.

Challenge them to a cypher. No.

I went away for some broccoli. I came back and you're talking to me. It's not right. Put your hands on my girl's butt. She's not a slut, you motherfucking mutt. Get away, bitch, before I fucking chew you. And that's why I'm going to fucking use Ying Chu on you. Oh, wow. You got to learn the martial art of Ying Chu. You got to learn how to rap, man. Eminem don't get shit like that.

You got to spit, kid. You got to spit. It's the only way they respect you.

It's the only way he's going to respect you if you throw a nice fucking rap battle at him. And then he'll fail, right? He's going to fail. Right. Whatever, yo. And his girlfriend's just looking at him like, when did you become this racist? His black girlfriend's like, I'm actually going to go suck this guy off now. Listen, dude, here's the problem. You're dating a black chick.

And you're a white guy, right? So when you walk back up, listen, dude, you got to date a white chick. Oh, no, no. Easy suburbs, Bob. I'm sorry. You know what? I messed up. I messed up. It's a new world out there. No, it's really that what you're describing is not that new. This has been going on forever. Hey, dude, this happened once in the Bronx tale. Yeah.

Here's what you do. Get in the car. If she opens the door for you, she's the one. If not, you throw it. Give it to the black dude. That's right. Watch the Bronx Tale with your girlfriend and just be like, hmm, this is how it should be. Listen, man, you got to respect the black guy, though. They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. They see, what's your name again? Elfo. Elfo. Yeah. All right, here's another tip. Don't tell a man. Don't tell a man.

I need you to learn how to rap. We're going to change your name to something like Jake or something. Yeah. So what kind of guy, Elfo, what kind of guy, tell us a little bit about this relationship. How did you meet? Also, what kind of guy are you? You don't seem to, you don't strike me as maybe an athlete or ripped guy. What do you got going on? And how did you and your girl meet? We met on Bumble. Okay. I'm pretty average height. I lift a lot. Okay. And I'm a little bit of a guy.

I play rugby. Oh, interesting. What the fuck are you worried about, Alfo? Yeah. Listen, man, walk the fuck up. Let me tell you something. Hit him in the ankles. Is it Alfo? No, I'm kidding.

So you actually are a strong, so this is, you're not physically intimidated. This is just an annoying thing you constantly have to deal with basically. And like, I feel like insecure when I like grab her hand and try and move her away or like be more aggressive. Sure. But then like, I feel like a bitch when I don't do anything. Right, right, right. I just don't really know which one to do.

Don't do it. You got to do the middle, Bubba. You got to do the middle. You got to walk up. Be like, what's up, man? She's hot, right? Yeah. Too bad you don't got her. And walk away. Walk up. She's smoking hot, right? I did it. Yeah. And go, don't even touch her. Go like this. Come here. Yeah. Hold out a sugar cube for her. Yeah. I mean, look, here's the thing. This is wildly annoying.

But I do think all you can do is not be... You're right. You feel insecure, whatever. You just have to act like...

Like, oh, hey, how we doing? Be like, what's up, man? Like literally talk to as if it's just a human being and just, and then just keep it moving. Like, oh, hey man. I don't know. It's just like whenever somebody's hitting on your girlfriend, you just, you can't seem intimidated or like a, or like you're scared or a bitch or anything like that. You ever see Training Day? You ever see the speech Denzel gives at the end? Give that speech. Be like, King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

But don't give it context. Just do it. And then go, let's go. And then walk away. That's good. That's the rapping, the King Kong speech. Or the true romance speech from Christopher Walken. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't give the Dennis Hopper. These aren't Italian. They were Sicilian, maybe. These are black guys. You know, the Moors.

Yeah, dude. I mean, also, here's the thing. Your girlfriend, this is the world she lives in, I assume. Guys hit on her constantly, right? Yeah, but she's a lot. Listen, she's allowing it to happen. No, she's not. What are you talking about? If she should be. Listen, let me tell you something.

She should be like this. I have a boyfriend. Please leave me alone. And he will beat the shit out of you. Any man that fucking talks to her. His name is Alpo. What's his name? He plays rugby. Elfo. Elfo. His name is Elfo. And he loves magic. And he loves to play.

And call of duty. And let me tell you something. He's coming back from getting broccoli and asparagus right now. When he comes back, he's going to be bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you can't help it, man. You just got to walk up, take the hit. You should be proud that your chick's getting hit on. Okay? You don't want to be the guy that nobody...

There's guys out there that their girls never get hit on. Your girl is so fine that when you take her out, guys are trying to walk up on her. That's a like, you got it, dude. You did it. You got a girl that other dudes want, and she still wants you? That's cool. That's like if you rolled up in a nice car, and they walk, dude, you see them checking it out. They're just checking out your nice car.

And you're getting in your nice car and driving away and getting a blowjob from it. Dude, you got to accept that shit. If you don't, do what I did. Date a six. My chick was a six. And thank God she became a seven and a half later in life.

As you declined, by the way. You catch them while you're hotter and they're on the way up and you're on the way down. Let me tell you something, bro. I always dated a chick with a hot body and a goofy face. You date a hot chick from head to toe, you're going to wind up with alfos. Alfo problems. You're going to wind up with alfo problems. You date a chick that looks like David Letterman.

But she takes that fucking shirt off. She's smoking hot. Sure. There you go, dude. But you're going to date a hot chick. You're going to have to deal with it. And it's just a sign of respect. So if you don't want it. Yeah, these guys really respect you, Elfo. Listen, dude, you're going to get a Honda if you don't want this shit. I mean, yeah, dude. So have you talked about this at all with her? Or like, what are the vibes like? Is this all in your head? Does she not really give a fuck?

Well, she said that what I do usually is fine. She said that she'd like me to say something. She'd like me to say... She said if you fight them, I'll give you a blowjob. Oh, wow. You're toast. Yeah, you're done, dude. She was like, everything is fine, though. But if you wanted to fight, then I would be happy. Let me... Okay, dude, here's the other thing. You're 22...

Right. Let's just take a bird's eye view from your older pals, Stav and Bobby here. This you'll remember this fondly as the four months you got to fuck a hot black girl. Yes. This is not ending good. You are not a fighter and you shouldn't have to be. And by the way, if this was your some it's some people's personality. Right. Like, you know, some people are more confrontational. You clearly don't want to go through this. All.

All you can do, this is good for you because life teaches you what kind of person you are. You're not this kind of guy. And by the way, fighting over anything petty like this is not good for you in the long run.

behave the way you're going to behave. If it becomes an issue, you should look at it like, hey, it's fucking insane you want me to fight these guys and you're the one with the problem, not me. You know what I mean? You don't have an issue here. You're just a young guy who's gotten a nice A-plus piece of trim here and you're holding on for dear life. And sometimes in every movie when the guy's holding on to the mountain and they get saved at the end,

Most of the time, their hands get fucking tired and they fall down. And eventually that probably will happen in this relationship. I hate to break it to you. But just be true to yourself. Don't do anything you don't want to do. And, you know...

Maybe you get in a fight and you're like, you know what? That wasn't worth it. This is just you learning. Don't get listening to me. Nobody wants to get a blowjob with a bloody nose. How good's the head? It's not that good. I don't know. I'm listening. Listen, dude. But this kid's not, you know. He doesn't want to fight. Like he said, someday when you're with your white wife with pain hair. Okay. You can have any race wife you want, buddy. We're not that.

Come on, listen to me. We're not telling you what race your wife has to be. You get a white chick with a flat ass, you don't have these problems. No, listen, that's not, it's a personality issue. You get an A cop with a shovel ass, you're fine. It's not a race problem. You're walking up with little Kim and you're fucking bitching? Close.

Little Kim. Enjoy what's going down. This guy hasn't lived in New York City limits in 12 years. You can tell by the Little Kim reference. Listen, bro. Enjoy it. I'm saying enjoy it. You're with a chick that other dudes want. And I kind of agree with you. You got it. Enjoy it. It's going to... Look...

Statistically, the ride's going to end. When I was 22, I wouldn't know how to deal with this shit either. I probably wouldn't. Now I would just be kind of a, I might get my ass kicked by shooting off at the mouth if somebody was behaving like this towards somebody I was dating. But I wouldn't fight anyone either. No, you can't fight somebody over you. My therapist said this to me once. Save your rage for your wife and your kid. Interesting. Stop giving it to people that don't deserve it.

That's a very... I mean, do you want to give us some context on that? I'm not going to fucking murder a guy at a traffic light. But if a guy came up... And my therapist, the guy who sold you an unregistered gun. If a guy's going to come up to my wife and kid and threaten them, that's when you release the superhero power. When protecting your family. When you need it. Yeah.

Not on some girl that you're dating right now. First of all, you don't love her because you're holding hands. You know what I mean? Yes. When you're in love, you're in separate parts of the fucking store. He's young. He's dealing with some... You also, at your age, are learning the types of people you're compatible with. You know what I mean? And it's like...

You know, you just got to ride this out, little buddy. And by the way, it ain't a bad problem to have. Like Bobby says, you're with somebody that hot. Hopefully this doesn't cause you too much stress.

But, you know, you can't really be someone you're not. You know what I mean? We're not going to sit here and tell you to be more aggro when you don't have that. And like Bobby says, save any kind of anger, not for somebody like, I mean, look, grabbing a girl's ass, that's different. Maybe you could have fucking gotten a little aggressive there. Obviously, that's assault. But if someone's just talking to her. Not fucking assault.

It is. Grabbing somebody's ass against their will. I mean, come on. Jesus Christ. I'm from the 80s. That was called a move. Fucking assault. What a shit life you guys have to live in. Give me a break.

You ever see the movie Porky's? I mean, come on. Yeah, we have. It's actually not about pussy as much as you think. It's about some weird bar. It's about assault. Yeah, I mean. It's all about. There's a lot of rape happening in Porky's. There's a lot of rape happening in all those bars. Yeah, but look at me. Somebody grabbed your girl's ass. That's messed up. But what are you going to do? You're going to go to jail over some piece of shit. And she should have been like, yo, get off me.

And you should have been like, let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here. And if he followed you, yeah, maybe you'd take care of it. But it ain't worth going to jail or hurting a dude or getting hurt. This is what I always think. Okay, I'm going to hit this guy. He's going to knock me the fuck out. And my girl's going to wake up in a trunk. I'm going to get my ass kicked.

Yeah. So look, man, it doesn't really sound like we've helped you that much, but, uh, you know, we're just kind of giving you context for what you're dealing with here and, you know, just, just be, be true to yourself. Stay honestly, stay, you might, do you have problems standing up for yourself in general?

I'm working on it a lot. Yeah, see, that's the thing. I feel like I painted her in a bad light. She's really cool most of the time. If I never fought anyone, I feel like she'd be cool with that. Yeah, yeah. If you do fight someone, she'll blow you. She also might have been joking. Who knows? They're also both young, and she's probably trying to make the best of a weird situation also. Let me ask you a question. I don't want this to come off wrong.

You know what? Let's not ask that question. You know what, buddy? We're just going to go ahead and not ask that one. If you're even thinking it's an issue, we're going to go ahead and skip it. And we're just going to tell you to work on your... You know, we've already spent too much time on this question in particular. So we're just going to move on.

All right. Thank you. All right. So listen, bud, this, just a final thought here, standing up for yourself is something you need to work on. This might be, this might not be a bad thing to keep in the back of your mind. Like, Hey, if at some point I need to really stand up for me and my girl, will I be there? Will I be ready to do that? And this is just something for the rest of your life, right? You're 22. I remember being 22, letting people walk all over me, just work on it. Keep working on it. Be, you know, uh,

Have like little goals. Maybe go to therapy. That was one of the first things I went to therapy for was just kind of like... I'm serious. I'm just... I'm doing it right. I just pictured his first day in therapy. Like, what's your problem? All right, man. These guys keep grabbing my chick's ass.

And she said she'd blow me if I fight them. I'm trying to get head, doctor. But yeah, keep working at it, brother. And you're at a point in your life where it's good that you know what you want to work on already. You know what I mean? And keep working on it. And someday, enjoy it now, because someday they're not going to want to grab her ass. She's just going to be a regular wife. What a tragedy that'll be. Yeah.

What else we got, Eldest? Who else we got online? Good luck, Alpho. We love you, buddy. Thank you. Alpho! Yeah. Bye, buddy. Cute kid. Nice guy. Richie, you there? Richie? You're on mute, my friend. Richie, you little prick. Hello, hello. What's up, dude? How you doing? Oh, wow. You're on with me, Eldest, and Bobby Kelly. How can we help you? Legends, legends. Legends.

I'm all the way down here in Costa Rica. You have big fans here. Hi, Costa Rica. Maybe you can come someday. I'd love to, man. Eldest, you've been to Costa Rica, haven't you? Yeah, I just went. When did I go? Last year? Yeah, you had a great time. I dated a Costa Rican girl once. Man, we're talking about. They don't. They, they, uh.

jealous they'll fight you you know yeah they'll fight opposite of what this guy just had to do i mean she was one of the toughest girls i've ever but a passionate of course passionate and we know you love passion i love passion that's where i got it from costa rican girl you caught it uh what's going on richie sounds about right yeah yeah so what's plaguing you my friend

I have a little bit of a problem here that's considering some of the things that I've heard here, you know, maybe it's not that serious, but it's been, you know, bothering me.

So, you see, I know you're going to call me a pussy because of this, but I'm a complete teetotaler, you know? You're a teetotaler. No, that's all right. You're talking to... Bobby's been sober for years. I'm sober for the last eight months. We're happy for it. That's good. Teetotaler. Nice. Great, great. Yeah, I never... I have never drunk alcohol. I...

I don't want to smell it. I don't want to be near it. You know, it's kind of like a conviction thing. That's great. Most people have childhood trauma, you know. My dad wasn't an alcoholic. He wasn't mean or violent. He was more like pathetic, you know. Right, right. Just a drunk lump. Yeah, the present kind of drunk, you know. Right, right, right. The kind of drunk that doesn't beat you but embarrasses you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so loser. Yeah.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. His accent is awesome. It is. Is it Dan Soto? Oh, yeah. So you don't want to get drunk? Your dad was an alcoholic? So what's going on now? Yeah. So, yeah, the thing is, well, I've been dating this girl for the last four years, more or less. The girl is great. I love her. I'm pretty sure she loves me, I think. Pretty sure. Tough. And then...

And she knew this about me from the very beginning, you know, the whole teetotaling thing. And she's been cool with that, you know, all this time. She didn't drink either, but it was more for a matter of taste for her. But recently, for the past two months more or less, she decided that now she wants to get drunk.

Interesting.

And she comes, yeah, stumbling like 3 or 4 in the morning. And now she's asking me if she can crash with me in my apartment. You know, and that kind of freaked me out, you know, because part of my trauma is that I don't want to see a loved one, you know, coming, reeking and stumbling and, you know, puking and making a scene, you know, at the very hours of the morning, you know. It's kind of like my worst nightmare.

So yeah, I told her no. I simply cannot deal with that. And she started going off on me, you know, that gave me shit, that I should get over it, and that I overreacted, and pretty much told me I'm a pussy, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like a bitch because of that. Yeah. Because of that. So now, it has become a big issue, you know, and she doesn't...

She hasn't talked to me for the last couple of days because of that. And I'm very conflicted about it because on one hand, yeah, I'm thinking maybe I should get over it, you know, because it's not like something that is going to happen every day or every week. And maybe, yeah, I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm just...

not dealing well with my trauma or something. But on the other hand, I'm thinking, well, this is my house, this is my apartment. I should be able to, you know, set my own rules in here, right? Sure. But on the other hand, this is a girl that I'm actually thinking about marrying, you know? And I don't know how big of a problem this is going to be later on. So, okay. I kind of, you know, I have my mind in a pretzel because of all this.

So how old, you say you guys been dating four years? And how old are you, buddy? And how old is she? I'm 34. She's 33. Gotcha.

You can laugh about it too. I lost my virginity to this girl. That's all right, man. You got to fucking relax. You got to stop beating yourself up, man. Let me ask you a question. What's his name again? Yeah, that's okay. What was his name? Richie. Richie. Richie, let me ask you a question. In your country, is it legal to hit women? Yeah.

You don't have to answer that, Richie. I'm your lawyer. Richie, don't answer. Objection, Your Honor. Let me rephrase. Is it legal to make them flinch? No. Listen, buddy. Richie. I think so. Right.

Problem solved. Listen, here's the thing, buddy. You are you. You have to find somebody that is in your atmosphere. If this girl's coming back to your place all messed up, yeah, you had sex with her for the first time. She's the one that you, you know, oh my, this is the one. She's not the one. She ain't.

She's not the one. Not necessarily, yeah. If you say to somebody, I don't want you to do that here, and they're like, you're a pussy, or why would you not change for me? It's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm asking you to do something. I'm saying you make me uncomfortable. I have these other issues, and when you do this, it messes me up. You can do what you want over there, but when you come here, I can't have that. And she's not willing to at least acknowledge that? She ain't the one, brother. Yeah.

Yeah, it's an interesting thing because I agree with Bobby. I do think there's something to you absolutely. You took a stand. You had a clear boundary. You're like, look, I just don't want somebody coming back that drunk. I have a couple questions, which is like you said this is kind of like new behavior for her. You know, neither of you is that young. Like, are you worried about that kind of like going out and getting fucked up? Because like starting to do that in your 30s is...

is kind of weird. And it's like, are you worried that, you know, and you even said, I think she loves me. Like, and you clearly have some self-esteem issues here, buddy, where you're like, you're going to call me up. You're, you're worried. I can hear it in your voice just about being judged and being embarrassed. And so I guess I'm wondering, like, are you really getting what you want out of this relationship? Are you just kind of going along with it because you're

Because are you going along with it because it's what you've always known? Does she treat you well? You know what I mean? Because like you said, you don't even know if she... You love her. You don't even know if she loves you. That's one question I have. The other thing I will say is that

It's not entirely unreasonable for someone to say to you, like, hey, I know you have this thing with drinking. I know you never want to drink, but if we're going to have a life together, there's going to be nights I drink a little bit. You know what I mean? And it's like, and there might be some element of you needing to tackle your trauma a little bit, right? Like, you might want to work on that a little bit. You know what I'm saying? But...

It doesn't sound like she was being reasonable and trying to communicate with you. It kind of sounds like this was a pretty emotional fight. And it also sounds like she was just wanting to use your apartment as a place to crash when she's fucked up. You know what I mean? So it's like, what's the... Tell us what you feel about this relationship because I'm a little confused about how close... You're talking about marriage, but to me...

I don't know. I'm not, I'm getting, I don't really understand what's going on here fully. You guys have been basically monogamous and dating, you know, seriously for a couple of years now. Yeah. For about four years. Yeah. Four years. And yeah, this is a pretty much, yeah, a new development, as they say. Interesting. Um,

For the first time, yeah. Well, she started working in this place. Well, I don't know if you can say the name. It's like a chain restaurant. Ooh, that's a big problem for real. Applebee's? Restaurant workers get fucked up together and they all fuck each other. Oh, well, that hurts. That happens. I mean, that really sent them down. I mean, it happens. I'm serious. It does happen. You worked at a restaurant in your youth. I fucked them all. And you fucked a bunch of waitresses. Even the fat Italian one. Ha ha ha.

Remember I was eating a pussy and I had gum in the back? And then a piece of toilet paper went in my mouth. And I spit the gum out and swallowed the toilet paper by accident. So it does happen. But I, you know, we hate to fucking... Huh?

Sorry, go ahead. No, I mean, I hate to put that in your mind, but I also will say like, it's something that I just want you to really think about what you want out of this relationship. And if, are you getting it? You know what I mean? When you put a boundary down, Richie, when you listen, like anybody, and I learned this a long time ago, you put a boundary down with somebody,

You're helping them, right? Because if you put a boundary down with her and say, look, I understand you drink. I just don't want you coming here all messed up and puking in my apartment. I don't want you that drunk. That's just the way it is. And if you can't accept that, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not going to let you over here.

She wants that. She wants somebody to put a... She needs that. So when you say that, and that's the way it is. It's like when you have a kid. If I don't give my kid boundaries, they're just going to do whatever the fuck they want. But once you put that boundary down, they might... He's not going to appreciate that boundary now, but later in life...

When he knows how to say please and thank you, hold the door, you know, pick up his mess, these little things, because he had a boundary. He got in trouble because he didn't do it or there was a consequence. He's going to accept later in life and be like, thank God my parents gave a shit about me. And later in life with her, she might go, thank God the guy I love gave me a boundary back then that I had to make a choice, right? And if she, she might be like, well, fuck you and leave. But she's going to go back and think about that and go, you know what?

I miss him. I love him. I want to be with him. He's right. I was wrong. I was going to his house, all messed up, and he asked me not to do that. And she might change. And you might be helping her with that. You understand? So by taking care of yourself first in any relationship, by taking care of yourself first, you're actually sometimes helping that other person down the road take care of themself and better themself. You understand? Yeah.

Or hit her. Yeah, I understand that. I mean, or hit her. He doesn't have it in him. I think... Yeah, that's kind of the issue, you know? I really don't mind if she wants to drink, you know? If it's on her own time and I don't want to see it, right? But my main issue is, yeah, the whole idea of watching her, you know, coming to my house like that. That's where I, you know, put my foot down. Yeah, put your foot down, dude. As for the relationship itself, yeah, I...

As I said, it's been pretty good, you know? Yeah. If you do it, Richie, if you don't... That's a better reason. If you don't take care of yourself in a relationship and you give stuff that you don't want to give, you're going to build resentment. True. And resentment will stay with you and it's all going to come out down the road. It's just going to build and build and build. If you put these boundaries down now, right, you're going to work, you're going to fix them together. Right.

And people respect that. A girl doesn't want... Women don't want guys who are weak with no boundaries. They don't want that. They want a guy who has their own... Their thing that they do. They want that. Anybody wants that, you know? Look, I don't drink. I haven't drank in 38 years. My wife used to smoke pot and drink.

I didn't care. But if she got out of hand, I remember one time we were down the cellar and she was just yapping when she drinks it. And I was like, listen, man, when you're around my friends, I don't want you getting trashed like that. You're embarrassing me. You fucking whore. And then, you know, he throws a fucking glass at her head. She ducks. They've been practicing that. And it's fine. Were you there? Yeah.

I didn't throw it at her head. I threw it at the wall. But yeah, brother, I mean, look. Go ahead. I'm thinking maybe that's kind of the issue. You know, this is like the first time I actually told her no to something. Right. See, that's... In four years. That's an issue. And by the way, dude, if she can't deal with that, that's an issue.

You gotta say no. Yeah. You gotta say no. Yeah. You gotta say no. If you have a relationship where you say no to some things, it ain't a healthy relationship. Yeah, dude. You can't just, you know, it's good that you stood up for yourself, but

um for once but you gotta you gotta be able to do this a little more and unfortunately if this relationship if the first time you ever set a boundary she freaks the fuck out that's a bad sign for this you're talking about this being somebody you want to marry that's not a good sign you got it wait wait wait wait how hot is she um she's like um costa rican saving yeah she like j-lo hot

No, no, no. Set those goddamn boundaries, Richie. Set those boundaries. Put that fence up. It's...

Yeah, dude. So you got to think about this, bro. Sorry to drop a lot of heavy shit on you, but I think you really do need to think about the long-term viability of this relationship because if the first time you stand up for yourself and set a boundary, she fucking freaks out. That's a bad sign that she might like you, but what she might really like is the fact that you do whatever the fuck she wants. You know what I mean? Ugh. And that's not... Yeah. That ain't going to end well, dude. Maybe it should, yeah.

So give it a thought, buddy. Let us know how it goes and good luck. Keep us updated. All right. Hasta mañana. Yeah. One last thing. Sure. How did it feel in Costa Rica with Greece in 2014? What's that?

What did it feel when Costa Rica beat Greece in the World Cup? You know what? Fuck you, Richie. Get the fuck off my line. What did he say? He was talking about when Costa Rica beat us in the World Cup. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. I'm glad this bitch is probably getting fucked by her coworkers at Ben against Costa Rica. Oh, look at you. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. Get him off my fucking line, Elvis. He's gone. He's gone.

I'm so mad right now. I ordered a fucking croissant and it's savory, not sweet. And I took a bite and it was, oh, my mouth is all messed up. What flavor? Let me take a little peek. Take a bite. I think it's cheesy spinach or something. Who do we got, Elders? Who do we got next? RandyAndy42069. It's good because you knew it was savory. Yeah, it's true. If I told you that was a sweet one, you would be like, ugh, it's like a ball. You're right, you're right. Randy, what's up, brother?

Not much. How are you guys doing? Good, man. You're on with me, Elders and Bobby. How can we help you? Oh, boy. Well, I recently got engaged to my girlfriend. Congratulations. How'd you do it? Thank you. We just did it, you know. Nothing formal. Nice. Just had a conversation. We're very happy and we're very excited to get married. But our problem is that her sister is convinced that I'm gay. Okay.

And no matter what my fiance tells her, she won't fucking drop it.

Well, what are you doing to make that? Are you having tea parties? Yeah. Well, that's a good question. There's a few things. I knew it. I'm not blowing anyone. I'm not doing any gay shit. Okay. Nothing like that. But before we were even official, like maybe a couple weeks into dating, her sister found and like fully stalked my Instagram before my fiance even found me online. A lot of pictures of you with your hands on your hips. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, she found some photos of me like celebrating pride with, you know, some rainbows and some tutus and shit, but I'm sorry. I community, uh,

Okay. That's pretty normal even for straight guys because it's fucking Mormon here and- Not where I'm from, you fucking sissy. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's 100% normal. Bobby likes to celebrate, likes to prove he's an ally behind closed doors. No. Not in front of the community. I do it the American way. I get pegged behind closed doors and I suck dick behind closed doors like men.

Oh, fully straight guy wearing rainbows but never sucked a trans woman's dick in the 90s. You're not a man. You support them in the open? How dare you?

Okay, so she basically just saw some pics of you at a fucking pride, and you said it's a Mormon community. So basically it's like you're either Mormon or you're like, you know, it's kind of bifurcated where you're either like very traditional or you're like very like super supportive. A lot of Mormons are gay though. That's true. I mean, there's a lot. I mean, there's a big, because they, I don't know what happened. And freaks when they leave. There's a lot of freaky Mormons. A lot of gay Mormons, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And those are a lot of my friends and, you know, part of the reason why.

Part of the people I like to celebrate with and go have a good time. Yeah, see what happens, kind of get drunk. You're not too good at the time. Well, who knows? I mean, this sounds gay to me. It sounds kind of, yeah. So anyway, so far we're on her side. Yeah, so far. Okay. So far, you pixie. Well, then maybe these next few points won't really help my position, but...

She also, let's see. I also went to Japan with one of my friends who's gay, just the two of us. So, you know, that was a red flag to her. A red what? What's up? A red what?

The red flag. Don't worry, buddy. We got a flag. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Bobby's hard of hearing. I thought that was a high-level gay guy. There's purple, there's blue, and then there's red flag. Okay. So you went to Japan with a gay guy.

But that's fine. We're still on board. What else? What's the third piece? I wish I was on board. They have like, speaking of, you know, Mormon family, she has like a former uncle who back in the 70s or whatever, like,

The closeted gay man who married their aunt and then cheated on her. And so they've got kind of some family trauma around it from that. But, you know, closeted Mormon gay guy in the 70s. What else is of course, it was really, really hard for them. So so anyway, all this is to say.

When my fiance was telling her how excited we were to get married, she used that as her opportunity to be like, yeah, but are you sure he's not gay? That's awesome. Did you sing it like that? Yeah.

Are you sure he's not gay? It's a rainy day. She's like, what, him? And then they look, you're doing choreography in the other room. I think you should solve this with song. Okay, I actually have a great solution here. Ready? Yeah. You invite her over, right? So here's what you're going to need. You're going to need an iPad and you're going to need a buzzsaw, right? Yeah.

And you're going to need a buzzsaw very close to your soft dick, right? And then you're going to put gay porn on an iPad. No, don't do this. Do not do this. You won't be able to win this one. I don't care if you're not gay. And you're going to say, look, here's how straight I am. I'll prove it to you. You start watching gay porn. If my dick gets hard, it'll get cut by the buzzsaw. And then his dick's going to fly across the room and hit a fucking painting of Jesus.

Just slides down the glass. You're like, oh, well, they're sucking it like they really want to. Oh, he's realizing in that moment he's gay. So, yeah, that's my solution, dude. Yeah. Listen, dude.

Who cares? Listen, who cares? Yeah, this was a fun call. Thank you. It allowed us to call you gay and come up with that little riff about the cock getting chopped off. But this doesn't matter. This lady's a dumb bitch. Welcome to the world of having dumb bitch in-laws. I guarantee she had something in her life. Somebody she would like. Some unrequited love at theater camp. Yeah, she got finger blasted by some sassy dude.

And this is her fucking own bullshit she's putting on her sister and you because you are, you know, you're not the, hey, what's up? I'm marrying you. You're a little more, you know, softer. Sure. Yeah, you're a little more, you know, just a regular dude. And she's probably...

Yeah. Since then, since then, she's kind of she's kind of dropped it. My fiance was like, hey, you need to fucking drop this. Yeah. Since then, she's kind of dropped it. But drop the soap. I'm wondering if I let sleeping dogs lie or if we confront her. No, she has a chance to start spreading rumors. Don't go. That'll just come across as defensive. Don't confront her. That's weird. Like he is not. And by the way, I know I said it last week, but we've been thinking about it. And he's even less gay now than we was the first time.

You know what's interesting about this, though? Now you know you can't ever do anything gay or she's right, so now that temptation is going to be hanging over you. It might make you gay just to be like, oh, but I can't ever do gay shit. Next time Starry's in town, take a photo of him naked and go on his Instagram and then do a collab.

So, yeah, man, good luck. That's exactly what my friend told me when I told him about this. He's like, well, you got to stop standing like that because I was standing with my little hip hop. I knew you were a fucking – I knew you were a – you put your thumb in your little baby pocket. I dicked down her sister. There you go. Keep dicking her down. Take some posture classes, and you'll be good to go, brother. She has to lie on her stomach and present. But –

Don't shave your pussy. Here's the thing, dude. I hate that at this time, look at the definition of gay. Everybody, I know guys who are the biggest alpha motherfuckers that have done really gay shit. Really gay shit. Sex is sex. They're all saved in your phone under dominoes. Why is dominoes keeps calling us, honey?

I don't know. Eric, I told you. It's over. We had a beautiful time in New Hampshire, but that's a mistake. I'll see you in November. We're coming up to the tiny house for Thanksgiving. I'll meet you in the woods. All right, buddy. Good luck out there. Thanks. Good luck, Randy. Bye.

Who else we got, Elvis? What an asshole this lady is. I know. I mean, who... First of all, you say that out loud. Now you have nothing to whisper behind your back. Yeah. A family needs those secret little rumors to keep it alive. It is weird, though, because when you go by...

Back in the day, there was definitely, these guys are straight, that's gay. Right. Just tonally. And if you listen to him tonally, as soon as he comes on, you're like, oh, this guy. He's on the line. He's on the line. Yeah. He's on the line. Hey, you know, hey. But that type of guy right now, dude, that's...

the manliest of men right now are him. You think about, I grew up, right? Frank Sinatra, Elvis, you know, John Wayne were the men. Now it's Elon Musk, other billionaires, you know, fucking Zuckerberg. I don't know that Elon Musk is an alpha. But I'm saying, dude, these guys are the men. Zuckerberg and Elon Musk? Zuckerberg is fucking a

And he's a black belt in jujitsu. Yeah. And these are the... But no one looks at him like that's the archetype. Who do they look at? They don't look at guys like men men anymore. Those guys are kind of cheesy now. No, I guess you're right. Even in culture, like movie stars, it's like, it is kind of like...

Timothy Chalamet and fucking like... Yeah, there's no... That guy doesn't exist. And action heroes, we don't really have... They're kind of disposable now. They're not superstars the way like Stallone and... I'm good, but thank you. I thought about it. It is pretty good. The way Stallone and Schwarzenegger... And that's an interesting thing. I also think we're at a time where less people have to... It's not weird to even act gay anymore. So you don't have to hide it. So like now even straight guys that kind of... That would have gotten like...

Even straight guys that kind of acted a little gay would get that beaten out of them in middle school, and now it's like, well, I know straight guys that... I have some very dear friends that are straight men that talk insanely gay. Joe List?

Who else we got, Big Eldo? Let's go to a kind of update from a guy we talked to last week on Kush Bros. Okay. Who called in and said he slept with one of his teachers. Oh, yes. Here we go. Jay, you're on.

And Jay, Jay, before you start, just don't say her name. Oh, okay. I didn't think y'all would give a shit. I mean, she was on Dr. Phil. People will find her name. Okay. Well, whatever. Yeah, whatever. We don't give a fuck. Fuck Eldis. But how are you? So Jay and Bobby, you're on with me, Bobby and Eldis. And Bobby, just to catch you up, we recently heard a voicemail from Jay who said...

It was cool to get pussy from a teacher, but it did sort of ruin his life. So do you want to expound on that a little bit, Jay? I mean, you just don't expect everyone in town to know who you are. True, as a kid. To carry you around. High-five you every time you get free coffee. You're tired of getting free beers. You're tired of getting... Nicknames that are cool. That's exhausting.

So you just become like the weirdest type of celebrity where it's like it doesn't act. I'm guessing you didn't get... Actually, that's a good question. How much if any free shit did you get for fucking your teacher? Not at all. I think one lady fucked me because she thought I must have good dick. Yeah. So she was disappointed. Yeah. So...

Wow, no one bought you a beer? Like, dude, if I see that guy... I was 17. I couldn't go to beers. Oh, you were 17. You didn't get free condoms at CVS when you walked in? Nobody bought you a slushie? No one took you to Sonic and gave you a couple hot dogs or something? Wow. That's a shame. And then did you stay in town or was it too much to stay there? Did you move to get a fresh start?

Oh, no! Oh, my God! Sure. Okay. And how you doing? Oh, my God. So, now, be honest with us. We're your friends here. The DUI, was that...

No, I think it was fallout from that. Because I started drinking heavily. I couldn't tell anyone that this was happening. Otherwise, we would get caught and it would stop. I was drinking like crazy throughout the whole thing. Let me ask you a question.

You know, fucking your teacher. Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy. Fucking your teacher is pretty much like the dream. That's what everyone says. It's like the dream. But you're saying the dream is not a dream. It's actually, it's fucked up, confusing, and it messed things up. So you're saying getting raped isn't cool?

Getting raped in a way that seems cool is actually bad? First of all, there's levels of rape. Just like there's apparently levels of gay guys. There's blue flag, purple flag. No, no, that's actually you said that. No one but you has said that. I didn't know. And thank you for saying flag. That last guy was a red flag.

But I'm saying like... Yes, that's what we're trying to raise awareness because we've all made the... We've on this podcast multiple times made jokes about... Because we do a monthly episode where we smoke weed and do news stories. And every once in a while, this will come up, a situation like this. So we wanted to have an actual... Just, you know, basically report on...

on the fact that this actually is fucked up. Yeah. That we shouldn't want this. These women are criminals. Not everybody ends up like Adam Sandler's character. And that's my boy. Some of us who joined the I fucked a teacher club are just losers. Right. Well, let me ask you this. Is there like a Facebook group? Do you ever hang out with any other guys that fucked their teachers? I've thought about it. But what would you even name that group? Guys who are

cooler than you guys who were cool when they were guys who peaked at 16 in secret the luckiest guys in the world oh bobby that's what we're trying to dispel straight a students dude actually that's kind of funny we should try the honor roll

Dude, we should try and get that support group going. You know, it sounds crazy, but there's literally like only a few guys on earth that literally went through what you went through. And I legitimately wonder if it would be helpful for you to fucking talk to them. Most of some of them might kid that fucked Mary Kay Letourneau. Like everyone knows who he is, but I don't know how to get in touch with. Right. Didn't they? Wait, did they get married, though? Or no, that was the other. What's weird is this teacher, her and I talked about that case. Wow.

Wow. During? I think they did get married. They had kids together too. During sex you talked about it? Yeah, they had to get married and having two kids. Can I just ask a question? Because what part of it, so you're in school, was she good looking?

What's weird is everyone else thought she was good looking, but this whole thing kind of scarred me from women who look like that. So I now don't think she's attractive. I don't have sex with girls that look like my sister. I know what you're saying. Listen, thank you for laughing because it made me uncomfortable that no one else laughed at that. When you say a racist joke and nobody laughs, you're racist. When you say a molestation joke with your sister, you just got molested by your sister apparently in the room. Wow.

Anyways. Yeah, that's what, that would actually, talking of levers. Yeah. All right, listen, bro. I'm going to say this. No, no, no. Let me just say this. No. You need to suck it up. All right? No, Bobby. Suck it up. No.

No, thank you. But listen, so how are you doing now is the important thing. Sorry, Elvis pulled her up and Bobby's horny. I mean, that's my speed right there. I'm doing okay. Is she single? Is there summer courses? Say it again.

I'm just a regular guy in a Midwest town who makes tarps. There's nothing special about my life now. I'm okay with it. I mean, sometimes I have manic episodes and I get PTSD flashbacks because of it all. But wow, I just can't. I'm normal. I understand this better now because I have a kid. I don't want my kid sexually. Right. Yeah. I grew up in a bad time. Yeah. When nobody taught you about sex, you learn sex from other kids, right?

and other you know it was terrible and my my sex life has been messed up for it you know sure and now that i have a kid you know like he you know look he's 11. he's he's he's good you know all kinds of stuff happening right now and i had to say to him you know one of his other friends showed him pornhub and i got it on his phone and the the progression of it now is so bad it just goes one thing to you know just yeah terrible and i said listen i'm taking all this off your phone you can't have it

I understand masturbation or getting horny is part of biology. I'm not going to control that. And I don't want you to think your penis is bad or sex is bad. It's not. So I gave him YouTube. So he watches girls on the back of motorcycles.

with their butts jiggling. And I was like, that is a good progression. He's going to want to fuck motorcycles. You're going to make this kid put his cock in the tailpipe. At the end of the day, he was like, can we go to the Indian motorcycle place? I swear to God.

I was like, this is weird. We're walking around. Dad, can you sit on the back of this bike? I'm going to hold you. I'm going to put my fingers in your belly button. Yeah. But, you know, look, when I grew up, this call comes in, fuck off. Of course. Fuck you. Yeah.

I mean, go for it. It's a more nuanced time. Yeah, if she was Broomhilda, if she was my math teacher, Miss Black, I'd understand the trauma. You know what I mean? You gotta get your division. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's a smoking hot girl, but

Still. It completely fucks you up. He, you know, our friend here is like, he's still dealing with it. So we just want to once and for all say it's not cool when teachers do this to children. It's not cool. It's not cool. But. No buts. Hang on. The thing is, guys, it was really cool. Thank you.

Thank you. I fucking respect you. And I give you a wink. Both things are true. I guess you're right. It was cool. Both things can live in the same thing. At that time. The paparazzi ambushing me in the strip club parking lot, that fucked me up. Yeah, that is fucked up. Fisting a woman, that was cool. Wow. Okay, I'm actually back on it's not cool. She completely fucked you up.

Good luck, Elders. Let's send this guy like a gift card to Target or something. What do you need right now, man? How about BetterHelp? For real. Use code word dude. Listen. Use code word dude. It is both things. It is both things. He's right. Because sex is such a messed up thing at that age. What's going on with your... Are you dating anybody? Do you have any weird proclivities here? Can you only come if she hits you with a ruler? My girlfriend and I have been together like five and a half years.

Oh, there you go. Yeah, boring, standard sex life. I would tell you the stupid one-liners I've wrote for comedy, but that's dumb right now. Can you only fuck between eight and three? Chester, you come every time you hear a bell ring? Fuck, dude. All right. Do you have to raise your hand when you come? Fuck.

Do you have a compass? Sorry, son. This is from last week. Oh, shit. Listen, bro. You're going to be all right. Here's the thing. The good thing about sex and having situations like that

is you can, it's not forever, bro. That shit ain't cement. You can fix that stuff. You can move on from that. Learn from that and you'll be able to help somebody else down the road from that. So you did it. You went through it. You understand it. Now you move on. Listen, my thing is this. If something's heavy, right? If you're holding a big weight and it's heavy, what do you do?

To relieve the pain. You let it go. Let it go. Let it go, buddy. Let it go. Unhitch your boat from that dock and float away. Stop fucking holding that shit. Just let it go, dude. Let it go. You seem to be doing good. You're doing all right, buddy. You're making tarps. What kind of tarps are you making? I'm so interested in your tarps.

Yeah. What kind of tarps do you make? Thank you, Dolly, for being the voice of reason. What kind of tarps do you make? Bobby's interested in these tarps. Yeah. Well, anything that'll fit you. No, boat covers, roll tarps for trucks. First of all, I'm not the fat one in the room anymore. So I take offense to that from my fat friend, Stump Russ.

It would get real testy if I left between you and Eldest, though. It would be a real close one between you two if I have to hit the bathroom. So let's be clear about that. I like tarps. You do like a bunch of weird shit. That's not weird. You take interest in specific things, is what I mean. You would, too, if you had a house. Yeah, I get it. I'm a homeowner. You're a building owner. Yeah.

No, it's a nice... Oh, because I have people on either side of me is what you're saying? Yep. Interesting. That's interesting. It's a fact. You can't just say interesting. It's a fact. It's a home. I'm more of an urban man than you, Bobby. I know you got to be out in the woods, but not me, man. I like to be surrounded by people. Yep. All of them. All of them.

Well, listen, buddy, we're rooting for you. Thanks for calling in. You're doing great out there. And it is important to hear from people that have gone through this so that we hear your voice and you having PTSD every time we're like, how bad is it? That bitch had big jogs. That kid was fucking lucky. So it's good to have a real, to talk to a real person. I mean, off air. Yeah, but you're a wildly molested man. Yeah, wildly.

I just want to say thank you guys and just real quick I want to give my flowers to Dobby you're my favorite comedian I know Bobby Kelly Kill Box was fantastic everything you've done with Louie I've seen it a thousand times I love you both very much you're a great producer for an Albanian

That's a great... That's right. Thanks, Jay. We'll send you a Jansport backpack. All right, bud. Get out there. Hi, buddy. What a cute kid. Damn. I'm an honest kid. Honest, yeah. You know what I mean? To be a man, it kind of fucked me up. That's pretty cool that he's actually... He has so much awareness...

of where he's at to not take that into his 50s and go, dude, that fucked me up. He's dealing with it right now, which would have saved me a lot of time if I could have said, hey man, this shit happened when I was younger. Totally, totally. And you know, it was all, oh dude, you banged when you were this age? Not good. I'm so proud that my kid

Hasn't even really kissed a girl yet at 11, which is the way it should be. You were Eiffel Towering in abandoned train tracks. You were getting your dick sucked by runaways at 11 and drinking moonshine.

I came out this summer and Don goes, deal with that. And I look over, he's got a hard-on. He's holding his iPhone up with it, watching YouTube videos. I go, deal with what? The kid's a genius. It's fucking amazing.

Oh, fuck. And we also want to remind everybody, Let's Start a Cult, it's out in theaters today. Watch it. Bobby's hilarious in it. I'm so proud of you, dude. Thank you, brother. You made your own movie. I mean, everybody's so happy about you. I'm pumped for the movie, man. I'm excited for... By now, it's sweet. You know, by now, it's swept the nation. You know, it is November...

Oh, it's not? No. What is it? Oh, then it's out in theaters today. That's right. It's out in theaters today. I mean, that's crazy good. Oh, you know, we're going to be, we're right now, we're leaving this podcast and going to the Angelica Theater, in fact, Bobby. That's what we're doing today, October 25th. Thanks for reminding me, Elders. Let's put that, it's not? Oh, maybe it is. I don't know.

He's a good one for an Albanian. He's the 25th, man. For an Albanian producer, he's rocking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I remember our conversation earlier, and I understand what you were confused about. But, okay, this movie's out today. Fuck. We're going to, at the end, we're going to re-record an intro. This movie's out today. Go see it in theaters. You're going to be able to go to the movie theater. Yes. If you live in a major city, if you own a building...

Not at home. This will be the last time I'm invited on this podcast because superstars. No, no. You at least will be back for the Thanksgiving episode. Wow, that hurts. That's with somebody else. Bobby, because we don't want to hold you because we have a few more people here. You can do it. I canceled my thing afterwards. Okay, cool. What a guy. Thank you, buddy. I did. Shelly, are you there? Shelly? Shelly?

Hey! Hey, what's going on? What's up, Shelly? What's going on? You're on with me, Bobby, and Eldish. Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Bobby, I'm a big fucking fan. I love the podcast. Hi, buddy. I love this show so much. So, I have...

Are we ready to get into questions now? Yeah, get in there. Okay, my bad. So I have a really tight foreskin. I remember. I have never heard anybody else talk about this kind of thing on like a show other than you, Stav. That's what I'm here for. Representation.

So, like... It doesn't really bother me all that much, like, personally. But whenever I'm fucking or if I'm getting into something, you know, kind of crazy like that, I feel like it kills the momentum for me. You know what I mean? Can you explain to me, because...

I don't know what it is. Do you have, are you uncircumcised? Yeah. And when the penis comes out of the top, it's hard to pop out. It only kind of comes out like this. Oh, so it doesn't come out. Your full head doesn't come out, does it? No, no, no. Well, I mean, like if you force it, if I force it, it does. But then that's. But that doesn't feel good, right? You want to keep it in. Yeah. Yes. Okay. This happened to me.

And, yeah, if you get some real tight pussy. How do you know it happened to you? Huh? How do you know? I felt it. Okay. You didn't see it. Hey, I can see my dick went hard. All right, whatever. Jokes Bobby's only been able to make for nine months. A year and three weeks. Jokes Bobby won't be able to make in nine months.

I mean, granted, I can go back on Thanksgiving and I'm just the toughest shit again. In a month, you're just so fucking fat. I always want to do that. That would be awesome. We should get you a fat suit so I feel more comfortable. Okay, dude, but look, here's the thing. You can just, it definitely will kill the mood, but something that is true is that it really only happens if pussy's very tight.

You know what I mean? So that's a little compliment. You're like, ah, this push is so tight, I pulled my tight foreskin back. You just have to... I've gotten... Go ahead. No, no, I'm saying, for me, I mean, I don't know about you, but for me, it kind of, whenever I get that tug on my dick, it fucking hurts and it kills the mood. It kind of kills my confidence, you know what I mean? I don't have, like, a big fucking hog or anything. Who are you talking to? I'm just kind of...

You're in pain.

Um, when you have a, a, uh, you know, defective penis like me and you, Shelly, but, um, you just gotta get over it, dude. It's just like every other shortcoming. You got a little ass dick. It has, it's fucked up, but at the end of the day, everyone's just trying to bust, right?

Isn't there something on Amazon, like a thing you can order? Yeah, there is. Isn't there a thing you can get? I don't want to do that, though. Why? Yeah, I tried it. What is it? What's it called? Because it seems like a lot of work. It seems like a lot of effort. Like, I'm going to fucking... You've got to gauge your content. I really don't feel like...

I'm with you, bro. Don't listen to these right, you know, these circled and regular. Have you ever tried to believe in the Lord and Jesus Christ and get your dick circumcised? I have been thinking. I have been thinking. I don't know if I can afford it, but I have been thinking about getting circumcised. We got you, dude. This podcast is going to raise the money. We can't support circumcision, unfortunately. Philosophically, we cannot support circumcision. How much is it?

What do you mean? How much is it? Was it $1,300? What do you got? I don't know. I don't have that much. Even if it was like $1,000, it would be like a big deal for me. Dude, we're going to do a GoFundMe to make your dick right. I just, I know, I do want to help our friend, but philosophically, I'm just... It's only $400, dude. That's for newborns. Oh, sorry. I don't need it. I don't need it. Google Gaga? I really don't.

I just feel like I shave you so much. Shave your pubes and go suck on your thumb when they do it. Well, here's the other thing. Here's the other thing. And you're not going to like hearing this. But if you use a condom, it's really not a big deal. You can sew. Yeah. When you use a condom, I don't really feel it at all, to be honest with you. But when I'm raw dogging, when I'm raw dogging... And here's the other thing. This might also make you want to just be a more generous lover because...

I mean, now we're getting graphic, but if someone's really turned on, if someone's very wet here, this is usually good for you to actually be a generous lover. Make sure you've eaten some pussy. You're putting your fucked up little dick in a good environment. You're not rushing in to some half-turned-on dry pussy because your tight little foreskin is not going to be able to handle that.

Stop. I don't mean to pry into your personal life or anything, but have you ever, I mean, has it ever killed it for you? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, sometimes I've needed a time out where I'll just be like, ah, and then I just explain I have a, sorry, my foreskin's fucked up. What did the guy say? Hey, what the...

It was a chick. Whoa. Whoa. We're getting kooky over here. Dude, get your dick fixed. It's 800 bucks. I got you. Yeah, text Bobby. He'll Venmo you. Yeah, dude, here are your options. Unfortunately, I've been against circumcision, but if you got to do it, you got to do it. Why? Or just... Why? I don't know. It feels like I would be... Why? I would be just...

bowing down to you know mainstream culture and I would be losing a part of me a part of my European identity and I would become it would be a metaphor for just giving into America you think you overthink shit too much

I mean, dude, you really need to fucking chill the fuck out, have a hamburger and shut the fuck up. I really think that though, for real. Yeah, man. I was thinking about it. I really feel that way. I look like this because fuck America. I just, you know, it's a part of my Greek identity and...

You know, for generate... I wonder if, you know, my... So you want statue dick? I do want statue dick. I want to be able to trace it back to... I respect that. Thank you, man. You got statue dick. Now, you know, Shelly, maybe you're not cut out for statue cock. I don't know what to tell you, but you got to...

You just gotta... Sometimes it'll hurt. You just gotta get back on the saddle, brother. Fall down six times, get back seven. You know what I mean? Get knocked down seven, get up eight or whatever the fuck the saying is. But that's it, brother. This is life with a fucked up little dick. Are you a strong enough soldier to live it? Because I know I am.

I am. I will do it. That's what I like to hear. All right, man. And the next time your dick skin gets pulled back too much, think of me and Bobby smiling at you. Yeah, this guy's going to rip right out. This is going to get hard. Fucking kill box. Just start a cult. Fuck. All right. Good luck, buddy. Good luck with your fucked up cock. Oh, man. Okay. Thanks, fellas. Send me a picture, dude. I appreciate you. Yeah, send Bob a picture, and then he'll pay for it. Yep. He'll be your sugar daddy. I'll fuck it.

At the overdose. All right. See you, bro. Bye, buddy. Cute kid. That's so weird. You don't even think, because I'm circumcised. I got a really nice cock. I believe it. And I love my helmet. I like a helmet. And I can't imagine having that foreskin, but that's the way a dick's supposed to look. It's natural. Well, yeah. It's like...

I love just a German helmet. And when they, they don't even ask you. Max actually said to me, he's like, Dad, why did you circumcise me without, without,

asking me or like giving me the, and I was like, listen, dude, I didn't know. Yeah. They came in, they grabbed you, they took you and circumcised you and then brought you back. You got, now I will support the legal defense of your son's penis. I won't pay for a circumcision, but I'll pay for suing the, suing the hospital. I hear a next movie. Ha ha ha.

I hear Stavros' next plot where you're a lawyer, I get sued by my son because it was weird dick, and you make it weird again. Right? Yep, I love it. I fucking love it. To start a foreskin. To uncircumcise a cock. It's even suplee again. Yeah.

I play the son and he plays the father. It's even just in shorts and like a, licking a big lollipop. Yeah. Um,

You know, Ethan's a monster down there. Probably. God damn, probably. Well, who knows? Yeah, you're probably right. Did you see his hands? Yeah, you're right. Nice piece on him. All right, how about we talk to Peach Farmer? No, you know what? I think I remember who Max P was. I think he was the guy who was afraid he, like, knocked up his friends in the friend group or whatever. He was wondering if he should skip town or what. Yes, yes. He says he has an update, so let's see. Let's hear him. Max, are you there?

Yeah, what's going on? You're funny if it was my kid. Hey, Dad. Hey, it's Max Kelly. I knocked up this chick in my fight. You think I haven't been jacking off? I've been doing one better, you idiot. I've been raw-dogging since I was 10. I knocked up this chick on Oculus Quest, Dad.

All right, Maxie, what's going on, man? You got an update for us? You called, we told you to skip town because you might have knocked up somebody. Is that correct? What? That is correct. What the fuck? What the fuck? It was more nuanced to that, Bobby. Go watch back the episode. So give us a little, Elda says you have an update for us.

Yeah, so I took your advice and we're an hour away now. Wow. Good. That's good. Fucking added another kid to this world is going to get fucked by his teacher. Good for you guys. Good advice. No, no. The kid's got a loving family, right?

Yeah. Oh, God. There's another Bob Kelly out there. Yeah, yeah. Good job. Might be. You just created another stand-up comedian. So, can I just ask you something? Sure. You knocked somebody up and you just... He just left. Oh. Well, no, no, no. He might... Yeah, give Bobby the Cliff Notes here. Ooh, uh...

That might have to be you. Okay. So basically, Max, it was that you, there was this girl in your friend group who everyone was kind of fucking on. And then you fucked her at one point. And she got like, she got with a guy or something, either a friend or just some other dude. They got together, ended up getting married. She got pregnant and the timing worked out so that it could possibly be yours. Yeah.

Correct. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got not listening to bro. You got not, you got nothing to worry about. Listen, that's why we told him to skip. Yeah. Good for you. You're right. All right. Now I get it. You did the right thing, dude. Get out of there. I mean, look, here's the problem. You're going to be in your driveway someday playing baseball with your other kids that you like. And some fucking, some fucking Navy seal guy is going to walk up. Oh shit.

That might happen. Probably not, but maybe. I'd be lucky if he was a Navy SEAL. That's true. Yeah, I did give you the fucking tip of the spear scenario. That's the best setup. He's probably going to walk up. Bobby walking down my driveway. He's going to be wheeling up your driveway. Dad, you gave me spina bifida. It runs in our family. Your grandmother and your other had spina bifida.

Well, man, you did the right thing. So have you tried to... Here's my advice to you. Don't look back. You can never look back. That's the plan. Yeah, don't look back. I'm telling you right now, there's going to be a time where you're going to think about it and be like, maybe I should... Although it is interesting because now...

It's like, hey, that guy just completely disappeared. That almost makes you more of a suspect. As the kid grows up and looks like you. Yeah, you're going to go back and get a latte at one of these shops someday. And you're going to look and the kid's going to be you. Yes, sir. But we just don't know. We don't know, right? Yeah, you don't know. You don't know.

It's Schrodinger's cat. We'll never know. We'll never know. And that's the best thing you could have possibly done. Well, good for you, man. Unless you have a daughter someday. And it's an old situation. Your son wants to fucking your daughter.

That's true. Your grandkids are actually fucking, yeah, boy. Yeah, that is true. But that's, you know, that's the, you have to, that's a risk you have to be willing to take. Yeah, that's a risk you're going to have to take, buddy.

That's the risk I did take, yeah. Yep. No going back now. You did listen to an Albanian and a fucking chubby Greek for advice. I know. I needed that Boston advice from you. Yeah, I agree, dude. You did the right thing. Don't look back. I don't know right thing, but you did your only move. Let's not get into morality here. The other move is get a DNA test and be it, but you're not going to do all that. Yeah.

Those cost money. Don't worry how much that kid looks like you, which he did say during the call last time. The kid looked like him? Yeah. Woof. Yeah. You're good, man. You're a good man, but you know. Do you know if the girl is with the, she has a good family though, right? No. Wow. But the father's still around, the one that she thinks it might be, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They split custody.

There you go, dude. There you go. Yeah, exactly. He'll have a dad. He'll have a father figure. But you can't really... Here's the thing. You put a little distance between you, but where it starts being immoral is if you're dodging. If somebody's like, hey, is that his fucking kid? You might have to give in then. Oh, dude. But for now...

But for now, you fucking got a new, you're a couple towns. Look, I would have done a little more than an hour, me personally, but hey. Jesus Christ. How about another state? I mean, listen. I like my state. Dude, you're walking distance to his real dad. Listen, but here's the thing.

You could have fucked this kid up because you didn't want it. You weren't ready to do it. You weren't ready to be a dad. The best thing you could have done, if it was or isn't, you were like, I'm out. I'm going to go do this and let him have a dad.

even though they don't live together. Because if you were in that life, you could have fucked him up. You could have done stuff that you weren't ready to do. You weren't ready to handle it. You know what I mean? You stepped out and now he's going to have his life and that's his life. And you can't do anything about it. Let him go.

Yeah, perfect. Unless he's a fucking savant that makes a million. Then you get in touch with that little fucking rich co-checker. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do moving away from you. But I just called into a podcast and they told me to do it. That fucking piece of shit. I didn't know you were going to invent a machine that makes water out of air. And then he watches my response. Yeah.

How nonchalant you are. I hope this kid becomes the next fucking gazillionaire and invents all this shit.

Well, he's half this guy and half that girl, so probably not. His son... If his son becomes the guy who saves the world and is the next motherfucker... Not betting on it, but yes, that would be... He has to watch that other guy who's not the dad, looks nothing like him.

I just want to thank you, Dad. Get thanked at the Nobel Peace Prize. Dad, come up here. Yeah, yeah. And he's home with some stupid kid. Dad, you're going to take me to the game? You're 40! When are you going to move out? I need more Xbox points to get my new gun, Dad. You're 34, fuckface. All right, brother. Well, hey, enjoy the new home, man. And keep tabs on that kid.

Hey, keep it twisted, boys. Yeah, we will, buddy. Keep it twisted. Bye, buddy. Oh, my God. Your fans are the best. All right. Well, do we want to hear from Peach Farmer then? Is he still there? He's still in here. Let's see if he'll jump on. If not, you know, I don't give a fuck. Peach Farmer, are you there? We do have room for one more if you're available. You're on mute, my friend.

Fuck beach farmer. All right. Is that the episode, Elders? Yeah. All right. That's the episode. Robert, thank you so much, man. Buddy, it's great to see you. It's always great to see you. I'm so proud that you're kicking ass still and you're getting into...

You're still creating stuff. You made your own flick. Trying. And here's the thing about it. You put me in it. Yeah. Oh, every time, bro. Even though now I found out it was a mistake. Well, not a mistake so much as, you know, an oversight. An oversight. An oversight. That's what you want. That's all I wanted in life. I wanted to be an oversight into a kid that I fed for years.

No, I would never have anybody else play my fucking dad. Thank you for doing it. You're so funny in it. And please go watch it. It's out in theaters now, folks. Let's start a cult. If it's playing where you are, go see it. We just made a stupid comedy episode.

You won't learn any lessons from it. It's just a bunch of dick jokes, fat jokes, ugly jokes. Like just base comedy for idiots. And that's what you are and that's what we are. The best type of comedy. The best type of comedy. It's the best. So we love it. Go see it out in theaters I think tomorrow. Yes. Yes, it is. Just figure it out. Maybe we put this out. Maybe we give this...

Yeah, we'll talk about it, but maybe we'll put it out on Friday the day it comes out. So put it on the YouTube that day. So anyway, thank you, Bob. Thank you, guys. We'll see you on Thanksgiving for our annual tradition of me, you and Joe list. Yes. And we'll talk to you guys later. Bye bye.