Phil Hanley
01:59:32 Share

Opa! Welcome everybody back to Stavi's World. We're here. What a beautiful day. We got my boy Phil Hanley. What's up Stavos? I'm stoked. Thank you. It's authentic in here. Yeah, you're basically in Greece right now. Reminds me of Corfu. Yeah, you're in Corfu, dude. You're in here. You're in Santorini. Yeah.

904-800-STAV. Everybody, you know the drill by now. Call in if you want to leave a voicemail. We've got Super Producer Eldest looking fucking gorgeous today. Thank you. Fresh cut. How many haircuts did you get in a month now?

Well, I just got the one in Costa Rica and then I got this one like over the weekend. That's for the birthday. Beautiful head of hair. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Everybody on this podcast has pretty good hair now. So that's two. That's a haircut. What's so fun? Don't fucking do that. Don't you use my own fucking soundboard against me, you fucking prick. Don't forget who you work for.

That's good, though. I want you to be a haircuts every fucking... You know what I mean? I know. It's been so big and crazy the last few years. I just want to keep it tight for a little while. Yeah. Eldest. Yes. There you go. That was a tough one for our pal Dyslexic Phil. I have dyslexia in certain names. Yeah. I feel are cruel to...

I feel like your parents are being mean-spirited to me. But Eldis, that's a very traditional Albanian name. It's not traditional. It's actually, this is what's awesome. It's literally two women's names mashed together. Really? It's his mom and his grandma's name. Okay. My mom and my grandma's name. El and Dis. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Elmira and Yaldiz. Yaldiz. Yaldiz nuts. There you go. Take that, grandma. Fucking bitch. Rest in peace, grandma. She's in heaven sucking on my nuts. Damn, hold on. The garage door guy's calling. This will be good for the pod. I can really run with this. Hello? Hey, how's it going? Hey, how you doing, my friend? I'm doing good. I'm doing good.

Buddy, I cannot make it today. Can we do first thing tomorrow? Yeah, we can do tomorrow morning. What time are you thinking? Around 9 o'clock. Yeah, we can do 9. Perfect. Okay, great. I'll see you tomorrow. All right. See you then. Thanks.

I'm a fucking piece of shit. I've had a fucking... You're really letting the fucking... You're really letting it fly, motherfucker. You fucking prick. Albanian Independence Day. When is Albanian Independence Day? It's like the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. Oh, October. I don't know why it's that one. What happened? What did you guys do?

We don't do shit for it. But what's the lore? Yeah. Who did you get independent from? I really don't know. You're a fucking piece of shit. You don't know shit. Fuck you. I know exactly what happened on Greek Independence Day. We told those Ottoman cocksuckers, suck our fucking dicks. We're taking this country back under the banner of God and not Muhammad. Maybe this is not the best way to start a YouTube video. Yeah.

We keep getting demonetized on YouTube and maybe saying the Greek God is better than the Muslim one is not correct.

It refers to the Albanian Declaration of Independence on the 28th of November and the raising of the Albanian flag in Vlora by Ismail Kouemali. Yeah. Coinciding with the day in which Skenderbeg raised the same flag in Krugje on November 28th. 1443. Get the fuck out of here. 1400s. Those fucking medieval Albanians, like medieval fucking Slavs. You don't know who the fuck Skenderbeg was, dude. He was probably Greek, honestly. Yeah.

Sounds good. If you think about it. So you guys met in kindergarten. Were you fresh from Albania? He was. I was pretty fresh, yeah. Really? Wow. That must be wild just to arrive in another country. It was great. I mean, I was like three years old, but we were like sponsored by a church in Greece and a church in Baltimore. We were like selected in a lottery from Albania. Really? Wow. Yeah.

of like sponsored immigrants to like come here. It was really meant to be for him to become a producer on this podcast. Do you want to plug the sponsor? Yeah.

Damn, what was that church called? I don't even remember. The odds are hilarious of you getting right here. Your family had to win that, be in our, we were in the same preschool class. We had to hit it off. Yeah. Did you guys hit it off out of the gates? No. No, no. His little bitch ass hated me. First of all, everyone hated you. No. You were foreign as shit. You were coming through. He was coming through in these thin little Power Rangers pajamas. You could see his cock. Yeah.

We were getting like pajama shorts and I would like just wear those to school. Like some fresh off the boat shit. Is that part of the sponsorship? Did you arrive and they're like, this is how Americans dress? No, it was just like shopping at Ames. And the parents were like, this is cute. Yeah.

You still wear this to school? And we were all whispering like, fucking piece of shit. He's wearing pajamas. I was so aloof. I don't think I even realized you guys hated me or something. You had no idea. I mean, I barely knew English. Yeah, that was another thing. This was pure xenophobia. And also, in a school full of poor foreign kids, Elders was the poorest and most foreign kid.

So it was like we all kind of shit on him. But you know what? He learned some English. He put on some fucking jeans. And then we respected him in kindergarten. I feel bad. I feel like when someone moves to a brand new... It's crazy to go to a new school. I would have to go to new schools because I was in special ed sometimes. That sucks.

But I can't imagine a whole new country, you know, when people don't wear pajamas to school. It wasn't that crazy for me because I was so young. But I think about like, you know. Your sister. It's crazy. I think about your sister. My sister. My sister a little bit. My parents, like they came here when they were like 40 and couldn't speak English at all. And that seems a lot more fucked up. That's true. Three years old and coming here. Yeah, but you're an adult though. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but it's still crazy. You got your kids. When all you know is like communist Albania. Oh, I didn't know Albania was communist. Yeah, they had to get used to not eating dirt burgers. Were they so happy? The Albanian. Were your parents super patriotic now?

No. Okay. No. Recent immigrants do not like America. Is that true? If you came in the 80s or later, it's like, fuck America. We're here because our country also sucks, but fuck America. Really? That's kind of the feeling. Okay. At least my family. My dad...

He came here in the 80s. He's like, if you came in like the 40s and shit like that. Yeah, because tons of people were coming at that point, right? And they all like learned English and assimilated. Especially like a white ethnic group. They were so happy to just become white Americans. Whereas if you came later, there was almost like a choice to coming here or you were brought here by family or it was like, it wasn't as dire, right? You weren't escaping like,

a war or something. Yeah. You were just moving here because like your cousin, you know, had a restaurant and you were like, fuck it, I'll come. And then you got sucked in. Is that what your dad, is that what inspired your dad? My parents came here in theory to leave. Their plan was we're going to live in America for a year and save money. And then go back to Greece? And go back to Greece. Wow. And they've just been here for, at this point, over 40 years. Okay, really saving up. Yeah, yeah.

They haven't been doing too good on that saving money part either. My dad was like very liberal in Albania and he was like anti-communist and shit. And I feel like, you know, in America, like it's just so hard. And, you know, capitalism is like so hard. Yeah, he got he got. And I don't think like he fully like realized just like what it means. Like, I don't know. Like, you know, everything is.

a little more clear or you see the positive parts like in retrospect. In Albania? Yeah. It's like, well, communism's pretty bad because they might just like kill you or your family member. There's a rumor that's a con. Yeah, that's a big con. Yeah. If you're caught kissing another man, you might get an AK to the back of the head. But you are going to have some bread. You know what I mean? Yeah, the flag looks cool. The flag does. It does piss me off how cool the Albanian flag looks. But, you know, good branding shit product.

That is a badass flag, man. Yeah, it's fucking good. The two-headed phoenix, I call it. Yeah. What do you call it? It's an eagle. The double eagle. Two-headed eagle, okay. So you've never come into contact with any other Albanians in your life? Uh...

Well, I like Vancouver. You grew up in Vancouver. I grew up, uh, actually grew up in Ontario, just outside of Toronto. Okay. Oh, I just pictured you as a Vancouver guy. I started comedy in Vancouver and my family is in Vancouver now. So when I go home now, it's Vancouver, but, uh, interesting. Yeah. But I started from, so they also moved after you. I moved. Yes. They, my parents retired quite young and they, I moved to, I lived in, I moved to, uh, Europe. They,

moved to Vancouver and then when I came home they were there. Oh, so you said fuck it. Yeah. West Coast. Yeah. And then I started comedy there. Okay. So Toronto though, you must have seen tons of Greeks at least. Yep. Yes, my sister growing up, her best friend was Greek. There we go. Yeah. Nice. Yes. And yeah, so I knew that family. Yeah, diner culture extends there. Yeah. Restaurant culture. Yeah. Greeks have restaurants. They were in, they like, the dad, the mom was like a stay-at-home person.

And the dad was in like, he was like a trucker. Is that a Greek thing? I don't think so. That's pretty cool. But it is a Greek thing that even though you're a trucker, you're like, my wife will not work. You know, God forbid she gets a job. Probably back then. Did your mom work?

She did when it got, at first it was like, oh, I'm kind of bored. Let me pick up a couple things here and there. And then very quickly, my father could not run a business. And then it was like, she was a waitress.

She didn't work while we were little kids. And then once we got to be like, you know, in middle school, she was like, fuck it. And she started working two jobs. Dang, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, waitress and she would repair oriental rugs. No way. She's nice with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. If you have a fucked up rug that you need repaired, talk to my mom. Okay. I'll get her deets after this. Yeah, I'll give you her number. So no Albanians though in Toronto or in Ontario. No, my big thing...

Yeah.

- He did pass. - Good night, guys. - Wait, you shout out to Albania. - You can learn about anything in this world if you'll just follow my little trick. Got it? All right, Albania. Here, Albania. Or should we say, Albania? - Why'd you say it like that? - We learn our facts by associating countries with music. - Wow. - Why?

Do you want to study along? No. Can you pause it for a second? And I'll tell you how effective this method is. It goes Albania, Albania, border the Baltic Ocean. Is that correct? And then he goes, I remember this from, I haven't seen this in years. This is really, numbers are going to come up. And your greatest export is grain. All right, let's see. Let's see, did he get it right? Albania.

You border on the Adriatic. The Adriatic. And Baltic. Al disagreed with me.

He nodded. He's fucking stupid. He doesn't know shit. All right, let's try grain. Okay, grain. Let's see if Phil can go one for two here. Mountainous. And your chief export is chrome. Chrome. You're up for two. What the fuck? You make up two different ones. Who would say there's no export?

You knew the melody. You knew the melody. And also Adriatic. Oh, Baltic, yeah. No, buddy, sorry. It was Adriatic. Chrome. Who would think Chrome, though? Yeah, you're right. Can you export Chrome? Yeah.

I thought it was like salt or something. Well, it doesn't matter. And we've talked way too much about Albania. Way too much. I'm making an executive decision. No more Albanian talk for the rest of the podcast. This has gone on way too long as far as I'm concerned. I'm glad Savro said something.

Um, I fucking, I dude, honestly, I do. I like Canada though. I do. That's a pleasant ass place to grow up. I would assume. Yeah. I was, I was just home. I went home after Christmas and I was like, I'll spend a week with my family. And I was there for five weeks. Wow. Just is so nice. Yeah. Vancouver. Did you play Vancouver? I have, I like Vancouver. Oh, it's so Mel. It's so from leaving, going from New York, like those two cities compliment each other. Yeah. But, uh,

uh god damn yeah it was nice i love i love vancouver it's a real like because it's you know it's it's the west coast of canada for those for you in greats that don't know your geography yeah so it has a little bit of that like seattle like yeah that kind of pacific northwest vibe but also i love how much chinese shit you guys got over there yep you got great chinese food um people that are like fifth generation chinese but like

just don't have any connection to, like, are, it's really interesting to just see, because, like, when you, when you grow up on the East Coast, and it's, like, most immigrants have been here, like, a generation or two. Yeah. They have some connection. Vancouver has, like, such an old, and, like, I guess they didn't, I guess Canada didn't, like, you know, treat the Chinese as bad as America did.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe slightly better, although probably just not that good. Still probably not good. Whenever I make a statement, if I agree with you or disagree, it's like something that people just go on YouTube and it's like a million like, my uncle. I'm like, I don't really know. I mean, I thought Albania bordered on this. I don't even know if there is a...

Anyways. Either way, I like... Possibly. I mean, I'm sure there was bad things in the history. I could be going off of one person I know. Vancouver is cool that there are different communities and there are different cultures. My hometown is Oshawa, and it was like, there was no... There was like, my sister's one Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that was like it for like multicultural, from my experience growing up there. But yeah, no, for sure. Yeah, there's a big like Asian population. The dumplings are out of control. Great dumplings. The fucking Beijing duck is out of control. I love it over there. Yeah. And I guess I'm realizing it now. I'm mostly talking about the Chinese food is what I like about Vancouver. Yeah.

The bummer about... I don't really know much else. Yeah, no, there's great Japanese restaurants. Stanley Park in the middle of the... It's like a rainforest in the middle of the city. You know what? I've had some great sushi as well. Okay. So not just Chinese, also Japanese. Have you ever taken a lover in Vancouver? I have, yes. Oh, nice, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful. Pretty cool. Both... I think I've hooked up with somebody from Vancouver, not in Vancouver. And I've also hooked up with someone in Vancouver. Okay. From Vancouver. And both...

A-plus experience, as I'll say. Really? That's great. I'm trying to think. Oh, you know what? I had a couple Bs that were pretty good, too, now that I think about it. But that was more in the suburbs, right?

There's that club that's in the suburbs of Vancouver. Yeah, yeah. You know, some fun experiences there as well. Do you find... I guess I fucked a lot of Vancouver... It sounds like, yeah. A lot of Vancouver adjacent people. Yeah, we might have crossed swords. Yeah, that would be great. A true honor. Do you feel there's some city... Are there cities that you go back to, you always meet someone cool and you're always like... Yeah, well, yes. There's definitely cities that I just enjoy the vibe of. I mean... What about...

A city where you're like, every time I come here, I meet like a really cool woman. Yeah. We have like a great weekend together. Yeah. Are you politely asking if there's certain cities where I get more pussy? Yes. Or do you mean the actual connection thing? I was going to say make love. Make love, yeah.

No, is there, yeah, is there like a city that you go to where you're like, this is crazy every time I, like. I was riding a hot Boston streak for a while. Oh, shit. I was like dating back to when I opened for Bobby. I was like not headlining. I was featuring. Yeah. Dating back seven years. I was like eight for eight. When you're opening for someone and you meet someone and you get laid in the city, it is wild. It's the best. Because it's just not, you know what I mean? You're basically like, you kind of feel like the headliner's butler. Yeah, yeah.

They're butler. You know what I mean? So you're the butler and then they like, you know, live in this mansion and you're like, you know. But what you find out very quickly is if you strike within a half hour of a show happening, even the feature is famous for that half hour. Oh,

You know what I mean? There's like conditional fame. And the earlier you are in comedy, the quicker it is. Like there was one time where I literally, like there's Laugh Boston, right? Yeah. And that, you know, you've been to that club? I played it in August. It was great. Great club. Yeah. It's in the hotel. Yeah.

I literally... Nice hotel too, man. Nice hotel. Yes. You have your own room. Yeah. I met... There's the bar next to the club in the hotel, right? Yeah. There's a weird Irish bar. The bar that's like part of the club? No, it's part of the like... It's like an Irish bar. Oh, okay. Okay. Anyway, this is how quickly I had to act because I knew I'm only famous for like a half hour. So this girl is getting... She's smoking outside. Yeah. I smoke a cigarette with her or whatever. Go to the bar. Okay.

Her friend is trying to cockblock, but my hotel is literally here. Yeah. I pitch her. I'm like, do you want to go to my hotel real quick? I fucked this girl. Her friends are still getting drinks. Really? They think she's like... They're waiting on an order. Yeah, they don't know where she went. She might be shitting. They don't know where she is. Yeah, yeah. I just fucked her within that time frame. And then she went back downstairs to her friends. It'd be funny if her friends actually thought she was shitting. Yeah. Like fucking Vanessa with this fucking... Yeah.

Lactose intolerant. We told her not to get the fucking milkshake. Whenever she has a Guinness, I swear to God. But yeah, it's Boston for a while. That's wild. So you, after the show, is this in between shows? This is after. Have you ever got laid in between a show? Wow, that's next level. I've never done that. No, nor have I, man. No, fuck. I haven't even even...

It's never even crossed my mind. I'm thinking about it now, but before that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know anyone who has? Either of you? Probably Mark. I've heard...

Yeah, I have heard tales, not specifically about him, but I have... I'm sure it happens. Well, here's the thing. We also get... We do comedy in a time where it's really not... Like, now it sort of has some weird cultural relevancy, but, like, for the most of our careers, stand-up sucks and no one gives a fuck about it. Yeah. And, like, in the 80s, those guys were getting sucked off left and right. Like, I bet you Dice...

was getting his dick sucked. I bet you Eddie Murphy could fuck whoever he wanted, you know, during Raw or whatever. Even like now, even like headliners, I doubt are like, you know,

Every headliner is like a guy with a family at this point. Everybody's doing arenas. Yeah. They're not the kind of guy, you know what I mean? There's no young arena. I'm doing arenas for the kids. Put some food on the table with my Albanian children. Those fucking Power Ranger pajamas don't buy themselves. But yeah, so anyway, I did snap the Boston streak because the last time I was there, it was right after I filmed the special.

And it was more of just me and Eldis hanging out. Okay. Kind of taking our little victory lap. Oh, nice. One time I even got pussy, you know, I was in a walking boot. I had fucked my foot up. Oh, that's... So Boston was really treating me nice, man. I got it. Shout out to Boston. Hey, Wilbur Theater, we're coming. How does it... How did you... For... To copulate... Yeah. In a walking boot... Mm-hmm. Did you take that off?

I got my dick sucked with it on. Oh, come. And I believe the boot stayed on. That'd be funny if you tried to take it. It was just like a fetish. Yeah. You tried to take it off. She's like, no, no, no, no. She hands you a neck brace? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it stayed on now that I think about it. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I was in Boston and I saw your poster for the Wilbur. Mm.

What a fucking great headshot. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good, that's one of the best pictures of me ever taken. And I'll, I'll be running. No, uh, Steph Fleming, a friend of ours in LA. Great fucking photographer. Incredibly. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking nailed it. Uh,

What about you? You got a city? Where do they fuck with Phil? When I'm on the road, I'm so... Do you drink when you're on the road? I used to. I'm not so much anymore. Yeah. What do you do? I'm more likely to have... If I'm in town doing spots, I'll have a drink afterwards or whatever. But when I'm on the road, I feel like I'm always fucking exhausted. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice. Just lexicon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell him. Just tell him. That took a lot out of Phil. Reading that. Dude, Lord. I got a migraine. Eldest typed Phil, Mike a little lower. And Phil was panicking. I could see his eyes. He typed it 25 minutes ago. I just got to the end. It's going to be the end of the sentence. No, I... So...

So I feel like I don't do much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't do much. But I have met... I've met... What about even not on the road? Just you're traveling to a city. Is there a city where you get... Where you're their type? I've met... I would say West Coast stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not... Yeah, I would say like... Not East Coast, interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, I love San Francisco, so maybe I'm just more friendly or whatever. But I've met a girlfriend that I had for years in San Francisco. Nice. Yeah. The other one for me is probably Portland. I've discussed that. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think... Yeah, I've only played Portland once. I also feel like if a town fucks me, they're not going to fuck you as well. You know what I mean? I feel like...

I feel like it's like there's something about me that if I'm their guy, you're not their guy. Oh, I wonder. And vice versa. When I've played Boston and I don't even get it, I've never even got a DM. Yeah, yeah. I'm a good shows too.

I'm like, good show. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I was like, I had a BJ. I'm like, I haven't got a DM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. There's not a lot of overlap in our Venn diagram of who fucks us. Yeah, maybe if you got laid in San Francisco. A little bit, but I knew it was more of like I had been DMing with somebody who lived there. Okay. I'm trying to think if I fucked anybody but that girl there. I'll have to think. I don't think I have a talent. It's not that I go with San Fran. I just know that I've met...

I've met women that I met. Yes, someone I dated for years. There's some nice magic in San Francisco for you. I just love San Francisco too. I'm a huge Grateful Dead fan and that's like their home turf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you're a big acid boy as a child. As a young man. Yeah, I probably take, did you take acid in high school? A little bit in high school, more in college. Oh, really? Yeah. Where did you go to college? I went to college at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Oh, shit. Okay. Really shitty school. That's a,

a lot of words on a sweatshirt. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a shitty school, but it's one of those like lower rung in a university system. All right. University of Maryland is the big one. Yeah. And then University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Okay. It's not that good, but it gave me a scholarship. So I was like, I'll go there. A scholarship in what? Academics? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Yeah. Okay. Fuck, you must have been great in high school. I was good at getting good grades. I was good in school. Okay. I was not.

Yeah. Yeah. Dyslexic as hell. So just like, yeah, I was, yeah. And I didn't like, I was like really good in math, but because I was dyslexic, I

that was in like special ed for like English and shit, they would just put me in like the slowest math class. They wouldn't even bother to give you good math? It was crazy, dude. They wouldn't let me join the band. We got to seventh grade. Oh my God. We got to seventh grade and I've been in special ed. I've been like in and out of these schools. And the heartbreaking part was I'd go to special ed and one of my special ed classes, we started learning Christmas carols in like fucking September. Like it's like the worst...

Like, give him plenty of lead weight. Yeah.

So we didn't learn shit. So it was like torture. And it takes your bus. And we didn't learn anything. And then so my parents would take me out and put me in regular school again. And I would think I was cured. I would walk into class like, yeah, man. And then within like three weeks, I was like, I didn't even know if they're speaking English anymore. It was just fucking crazy. You just couldn't read at all. No. I saw the special. Very funny. Go check out Phil's special, everybody. Ooh la la on YouTube. Ooh la la on YouTube.

But you talk a lot about the, and you, about dyslexia now. Just kind of like, you know, you're just a little ass kid and it's like, damn, I just straight up can't read. Yeah, it was. Like everyone's starting to read and you're just like, what? Yeah, like I, yeah, like kindergarten was cool. Like socially I was always like good. Yeah. You know, and they're fine. And then. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, then, like, the first grade, like, right out of the gates, there's, like, spelling tests and shit. And it would be, like, it was just, like, the rug was completely pulled out. I was just like, what the fuck? Because I'd been able to do everything all along. You were nailing squares and shapes and colors. Yeah, like, it was, like... All the kindergarten shit. Kids are finding gum on the playground and eating it, and I knew, like, don't do that. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And then in first grade, they were just like, yeah, it was like bad news, man. And then, yeah, so I just couldn't all through school. That's crazy that they just...

That's insane that they just put you in straight up special ed. Dude, you're there with like wildly disabled kids. Yeah, like, yeah, like, yeah, so they would put me in special ed. And then one year, seven and eight. So, yeah, so seven arrives. I'm like, can't read. They got me in this like funky math. And also math all of a sudden started having words. So I was really good at math. And all of a sudden they're like, let X represent shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm like, fucking can't spell represent. And they would mark it wrong. My mom, in third grade, we had to name the provinces in Canada. And for me to spell a word is like, I don't know.

At the time, I had no association with letters and sounds and shit. So I would draw. So I could draw like Alberta and it would look pretty fucking close. You know what I mean? But it wouldn't be spelled. But I would just try to like emulate the shapes.

And the fucking, my third grade teacher would like, was like, we can't like, he just gave me zero. And my mom's like, well, he knows where Alberta is. You know what I mean? That's something. Yeah. Like that's the shape. And that's what it, and it's so clear that I was like, I'm all, you know what I mean? It was like, when you look at like, you know, when they're like a wanted poster and it's like that sketch and then the actual photo, it was that close. You were there. That's,

a guy. That's also way more impressive for a little kid to draw. Like if you were to tell me to draw Mississippi. Yes. And I couldn't spell it, but I could draw it. I'm much more like impressed by the mind, like how much effort it takes to memorize like what the shape of these words were. And that's all I was doing. So and then we just give me zero and then like science, you like hypothesis, you fucking serious, man. Yeah.

And then you couldn't spell that. So, yeah, I just got, I got fucked. But anyways, in the seventh grade, it was, I was in special ed with kids with, you know, more serious learning differences. More severe learning disabilities. Yeah. And then the, my, we had a teacher and then the teacher's assistant was married to the other special ed teacher and his class was even more severe. Wow. Disabilities. So they're catering to those kids. So I like, I would go to school. I hated it.

and didn't learn anything because obviously the kids that were struggling more needed more attention. They're like, all right, we're going to work on not shitting our pants this unit. It was like, Phil, good job. You're on a hundred day don't shit your pants streak. So I hated school and it was a fucking, like it felt like such a waste. Of course.

You could have been doing whatever. Absolutely, man. And that pushed you right in the arms of psychedelics? Psychedelics? I think that's why I don't get laid in Boston. It's a big college town. A lot of readers, Elvis. So, yeah. So then in... Yeah, like I took acid when I was really young because...

I don't know. I started, I sort of started, and I felt. So who are your friends when you're like, you're in special ed, you're not hanging out with the other special ed kids? No. No, I had kids in, because I was so, so I was, but I tell you one time, I was in seventh grade or, I was in eighth grade and I was going to high school parties. I had friends, I'd met older friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember this kid in eighth grade and I was at the, we had, we bought,

Hash oil. Okay, yeah, yeah. And we didn't have rolling paper, so we were doing, like, streamers. Do they have those in Baltimore? You just take, like, the oil, you put it in a safety pin, then you scrape it on the amber, like the hot part of the cigarette, and then you put it in a bottle, like a BT. Whoa.

Do they do that? I don't know. Do they do that in America? We do not do that. What about Obeid? No more. You can't tell us. So anyways, we were doing that. So wait, I'm sorry. You would light the hash oil with a cigarette? It's kind of like a makeshift dab thing, basically. You take a marble. This is like a Canadian thing. I guess you take a marble, you put it in a beer bottle, and you go bang, like that. Or you can use a dime. Never heard of this. And you bang it against your shoe, and it would make a perfect hole. Wow.

Oh, okay, okay. Yes, a perfect hole in the beer bottle. And you would smoke the... You put something in the top of the beer bottle, like tissues, or you could just use your thumb, and then you would put hash or hash oil on the end of the cigarette, and then you would watch it so it just burned there, and then you would do a bottle top. And it would fill the smoke up, kind of like a gravity bomb. Yeah. Interesting, interesting. But that's like when I was a kid... That's a feat of engineering. But that was the go-to way. When you're 12. PTs, yeah. So I was at a...

You're already starting with, let's say, 50% brain. You know what I mean? Absolutely. You're already one quarter retarded. I know. It's like, let's go hash oil out of a beer bottle while you're developing. Before your skull's fully hardened. Yeah, yeah. You can't read, but you know how to do that. I know how to do tea?

I'm smart. You do it. You do it, teacher. You get high with that rolling papers, motherfucker. Solve my problems.

So I remember doing that at a party, a high school party. And this kid came up to me and was like, my older brother saw you at a party and you weren't even smoking hash right or whatever. And I was like, tell your dumb fucking brother we were doing BTs. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so I started, yeah. And then I took acid. Nice. And we're talking what, 13? Yeah. And I was...

It was just the best. Like, it just agreed with me. Yeah. Right? Like, it was so fun. And, but there was like a stigma to it. And like my friends. Oh, for sure. Back in the day, like it's kind of opened up now. Either it's opened up now or I don't give a fuck because my life doesn't matter. But back then, acid was like a little, like a step up, somewhat less dangerous than heroin. Yeah.

But it was in that zone. Oh, yeah. It was like... Now, people, when you're like, oh, the NASA taker, you picture some woman in like a Luna Lemon tracksuit and hog boots. Yeah, I'm microdosing. Yeah, and I'm like, your mom was quite judgmental when I was like in... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Macrodosing in eighth grade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But...

But you know what I mean? Now it's like, whatever. Of course. It's accepted. Gwyneth Paltrow talks about it, I think. Absolutely. I don't know. But that vibe. Some Gwyneth Paltrow style bitches definitely do acid now. Totally. They're like, and telling me I should try it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We snorted microdots. So, but it was just so good for me. And.

You could read while you were on it? I enjoyed it, yeah. I could read. You're just crushing all of it. You just fucking look at a book and you know everything that happens in Moby Dick. Talking about Oliver Twist.

So, but what happened was it was, it just made me, but there was a real stigma to it. And my friends, I was taking it with like much older kids and my friends' older brothers are like worried about them hanging out with me and stuff. And I always felt kind of dirty about it. And then I,

I was... You were putting yourself squarely in the molestation zone. Yeah. You really were. Yeah. Did you come out unscathed? Yeah, no, no, completely unscathed. Did you come out unsucked by any college freshman? Yeah, I was. It was like a... So anyways... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...

So the... No, I was not... I was not... I wasn't molested, but I was hanging out with older people and I could have got probably in trouble. I could have got pregnant or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then years, years later, I'm in therapy and I'm telling this story to my therapist and he goes... He goes...

You were doing acid because you're like... School was so stressful. Your life sucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. School is so encompassing, especially when it's bad. You know what I mean? Right. It's like when you have a shitty job, all of a sudden it's like... It seems like a 24-hour thing because you're either in it or like... And you're thinking about how bad it's going to be. Yep. So school was brutal, but...

But you need a little escape. I need it. Yeah. Like just to go to another dimension. So that my my therapist was like, yeah, like people when people were drinking stuff, you were doing acid because it was just more of a release and it clicked. And I was like, yeah. And I didn't. So now I don't have any. I didn't feel dirty about it anymore. That's good. But I will say it agrees with some people. Sure. And it does not agree with others. Like there were kids in my hometown that would like take it once and like not start quite be the same.

Wow, really? Yeah, like they take it and it didn't do... I feel like it didn't... Yeah, I feel like it didn't hurt me. I know what you're saying. I think it generally agrees with me too. But I remember being in... I was in like eighth grade and we're around the same age. And I remember the story for me going around was like, it's either the best or...

Five years later, a drip will come out of the back of your brain and onto your spine, and you'll start freaking out. People told stories about, there was this guy who was at a wrestling match, and he was winning, and then the acid dripped in the back of his...

head and he started freaking out. He took his singlet off and he started jerking off and people would just make up this crazy shit. He would eat his own shit. He would just go crazy. And that stopped me from doing acid until I started with mushrooms and I was like, whoa, these rock. And if these rock, acid's probably going to be fucking sicker than this. And so that was kind of like

But those stories did put me off of psychedelics for a while. Because also, like, the shit that would be rewrote. So, like, in the 60s, there was, like, so much, like, anti-asset propaganda. Like, there'd be, like, a cop show and a dude would, like, jump out. It was always jumping out of windows. Yeah, he'd kill his wife and jump out a window. Yeah, always, like, shh.

And it's like some dude jumping out a window. But we're... So that would be like still kind of on TV on repeat. There'd be like a fucking combo episode. Culture had a much longer tail into the 80s and 90s. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So...

Yeah, so I always like it, but it just it just agreed with even more so than I smoked a lot of weed, too. But there got to be a point where I would get like tripped out or like paranoid. Sure. And LSD never, never had that effect. So you're doing it. How often are we talking?

Like every weekend you're dropping for the tabs? Yeah, I mean, there was a period, not when I was that young. Like that young, it was like, obviously, you don't have a lot of drug connections, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the first guy who gave you acid? That's interesting. Where the fuck did... Oh, it was someone went down. There was an arcade in our home. Tell me, what's sketchier than this? The suburb of Toronto. The arcade's directly across from the bus station. Like as if...

As if that's not the Bermuda Triangle of frequency. No, dude, that's like a child molester was the city planner of that, of that suburb. Absolutely. There was this arcade and it was so fucking, I don't know what arcades are like now, but back then they were like jet black. Like it was like a haunted house with like a fucking couple, couple street fighters in there. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

A claw machine, a street fighter, some fucked up popcorn. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But so it was like shit went down, man. So my, like someone drove their bike down like an older friend. You know, it was like a friend's older brother drove his bike down to the arcade and bought, would you do blotters or micro, micro dots? Uh, blotters.

There's the paper, right? Yeah. I mean, I wanted that. I'm not familiar with micro dots, honestly. I've only ever done liquid or paper. Mike, when I was like a teenager, when I was like a kid or whatever, what we would get would be micro dots. And they are, dude, they're so small. Like there's not a candy this small. It would be like if you took a nerd and like cut it in half. So, hold on. It's Eldis' penis size. Yeah.

Give me the cheers. Oh, are there sounds? No, Eldis. Eldis, you're cruising towards a probationary period. We need a boo, bud. You're going to get a demerit soon, brother.

Anyway, so you're doing these eldest cock-sized micro dots of acid. They were called A.W.s. Yeah, yeah. Eldest Weans. No, so yeah, dude, they were so small, but I remember getting it, and it was, my friends were like, this is a double barrel strawberry. And I remember taking it, and...

Yeah. Yeah. And now you must have been like the, cause that can happen sometimes where it's like you had like those groups of friends where like, I felt like I always tried to do this where it was like, you're the younger kid in the group of the cool older guys and you're almost like their mascot. Like in a way, but I had more drug, like I had more drug experience than them. Oh, cause you were ready to go immediately. Just cause I needed a release. Like I was like fucking. So were you scoring acid by yourself at like 12? Oh,

No, so it would be... So the first time an older guy went to the arcade and got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would like... It's crazy you weren't molested. Yeah, dude.

I think you're in special ed. Like they could, you know, we're hot shorts. Just suck it on a lollipop. Anybody got acid? Hey mister, can you make me feel good?

I can't read. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah, so. Yeah. Yeah, we get like someone would go into Toronto. I don't know. Somehow we would get. I would get these little. It's like you were on the frontier. Yeah. You know, someone came in with a shipment. But you would have to do so in high school. I would do. You have to double it up.

If you do one, you probably know this. If you do one hit on Friday to get high on Saturday, you need to do two. Oh, I never... I always... It was kind of like one big acid event for a weekend for me. That's smart. So I would do... But I would do... I would probably start with two, but I wouldn't do it back-to-back. Oh. I was not a back-to-back guy. Dude, I just had so much fun, man. Yeah, yeah. And...

But then I was watching a dead, it's a great documentary on Bob Weir and he was saying like about the Grateful Dead who were like the absolute forefront of taking LSD for fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and they would do it like, he was like going like, he was, they were saying, he was saying, yeah, there was a year where they did it like once a week and I was like, oh fuck, I was doing it twice a week. Yeah. I was like,

Garcia's like, dude, chill out. Handly chill, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This Canadian child's really fucking shitting on us. That's hilarious. Now, did you ever have any of the, like,

So you're just having a good time. You're not having any existential crises. No. You're not doing any of that. No, no, no, no. No, I never. No breakthroughs, no nothing. Just a good time. I mean, I must have because it's like I did. I certainly developed a love for the Grateful Dead, which was music for acid. Designed to be on acid. By people on acid, for people on acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's certainly in the 60s that was the case. Sure.

I, yeah, developed a love for the dead. And no, I, you know, I mean, I would like, I mean, I saw some crazy shit and it made me, I don't do it. Like, I don't do it now. Like, I'll still go. I'll go to see the dead. They're doing like their final tour. Yes. Because I've done enough that I understand what it would be like. Like, I don't need to anymore. I might have a beer or if like someone smoking joint, it might take a hit. Yeah. Sometimes. Sure. Yeah.

I guess I took mushrooms last year, but I generally don't. But I think I did see things. By taking acid, even back then and then now, you understand certain things of design and you understand certain aspects of pop culture that were clearly fuel on LSD. I remember taking it in a parking lot of this library and it was all trampled on. People had walked around on the snow. We were out in the snow.

And I could see a pattern. Like, you could just see how creatively people have taken it over the years and created these things. Because you do find patterns. It's wild. I don't know the science behind it, but it definitely does. There's definitely certain things for sure. Like...

I mean, I feel like you watch, you see some of that, the mushrooms or the acid art where everyone has those big ass eyes and you have that like little sharp nose. And that's like, you would see artwork like that. Or Paisley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paisley's a big acid thing. Oh my God. Yeah. But I remember seeing like everyone kind of, I remember looking at myself in the mirror on mushrooms and being like, oh, I look, I look like an elf.

This is what people see. That's definitely a style with the big ass eyes. Yeah, yeah. If I saw them, this is what being on mushrooms is, where you see certain movies, you're like, oh, this is what it feels like to be on acid. Dude. Mandy, that's a big acid movie for sure. Oh, I haven't seen Mandy. No, I haven't. Really? Yeah, it's really good. And then the director, he's a Greek guy. I think it's, can you look it up? George Kosmatos, I want to say. He did another movie that feels even more like acid.

It's great. I think it's Acid Cinemas. Panos Cosmatos. Sorry, Pano. A Greek man. Beyond the Black Rainbow. That's an Acid movie. I'll get you to text it to me. I'll listen. I'll leave you a voice memo of it. I remember watching Being High on it. We would do Acid and then Smoke. We'd do...

hot knives. Do you know those? No. That's gotta be also an American thing. Yeah. Where you heat up a knife on a blowtorch and then pick up the hash. Dabs. Oh, okay. You're a dab pioneer. Look at you. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. But, but then you get so fucking tripped out of your mixing mic. No, no, that's too much. But I remember getting high, being on acid, smoking, and watching Up and Smoke, that Cheech and Chong movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it being,

Almost feeling like this is like a spiritual experience. Like you're in church. Because it was so much...

joy. Yeah. Like laughing. Totally. Falling. I remember dosing and watching Dumb and Dumber and laughing so hard that I fell off a couch. Yeah. Like it was just so funny. Yeah. Well, I think about that sometimes too, about how I would love to go to church on a psychedelic because you got stained glass, you got all the incense, you got the like singing in a way that's like, you know, it would probably feel cool. Yeah. I wonder what it would be.

to you? I wonder if you would see something that you missed before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I'd believe in God afterwards. That'd be something. Yeah, like... But who knows? So you're after the little acid king of Ontario. Uh-huh. The little acid king of Ontario. You did Google me. Okay. Yeah.

So you're clearly not going to fucking college. No. Well, no. I had this experience where in 12th grade, I go in to see the guidance counselor and he was like real fucking snooty with me. And he

he like kind of laughed in my face when I said I went, I wanted to go to, I just said it cause all my friends had gone to college. They were older. They all gone to college. I was going up and partying with them the weekend. Maybe I should go to, this is cool. Yeah. They have way more acid in college. So it's easier to get acid here. So maybe, so I decided their knives are even hotter. So I decided I was going to go to, uh,

I decided I wanted to go to college and I went in and if the guy was just fucking civil to me, I probably would have dropped the idea. Sure. But because he was so snooty and shitty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went home and I was like upset because he was like, he just laughed at you. Yeah. Yeah. So I go home and I tell my parents and my dad was like, my mom was always like going to the school and being like, he's not dumb. He's like a smart kid. He did it. Yeah. Give me another chance. Which is true. They clearly mishandled.

educating you. Well, yeah, they said- Like, in today's day, you have a much different experience in school. I hope so, but I see, like, I have friends whose kids have recently been diagnosed with dyslexia, and it's like, if you meet a kid that's like, you know, is social and is, like, you know, has interests, like, into music or into- has a real interest in knowledge about things-

but can't read, then chances are that like 90%, they're dyslexic because they're smart. They just have a challenge in that one area. So yeah, they, so anyways, I ended up, I could have gone, I qualified for call. I ended up working my ass off. I just got lucky. My last year of high school, I,

They had this weird program that lasted one year where I would have a subject, then a one-on-one teacher. So I didn't have to write anything. I didn't have to read anything. I would sit in the class, and then I would take what I took to him. He'd read it to me and write out my marks. And all of a sudden, my marks...

I was doing so well. Yeah. And I was like, you motherfuckers convinced me that I was, like, dumb and celebrated me for not shitting myself, like you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but, like, really, like...

And all the kids in the class, they make them, if you were a little bit struggled, they would make you so you felt really, you know what I mean? Yeah, of course, of course. They would do whatever. So I was like, you motherfuckers, man. So I could have gone, but it took a lot out of me. And my parents were like, you could go to college, but we think it would be more trouble than it's worth, whatever. That's awesome. Your parents are like, I don't know about all this. God.

about all this college stuff. I'm like, well, my brother and sister went to college. My friend's like, those fucking losers? Yeah. They're like, Phil, why don't we just set 60 grand on fire instead? Come on. All right, nice. So what'd you do? What'd you do as like a... Well, I,

I moved I have jokes about it but I'm a model yeah I was gonna ask is that when the modeling starts which is also hilarious it's so hilarious cause you're a good looking guy but it's funny to say you're a fashion model well it was ridiculous which by the way both of us have been in Vogue that's beautiful I was on the we were both models this is an all model podcast and an ugly piece of shit producer

And one day it's coming. The moment is coming. Vogelmania. Yeah, it doesn't count. This is a jumping pad for my modeling career. Yeah, he's doing it to fucking to network with you. So anyway, so you fucking, you're in. You're not going to find anything, dude. So how does this happen? How did you get discovered as a fucking model? I had a friend who was, she was like a real model and she,

she, I, I just, she just knew that I wasn't gonna do this. She's like, you should model. And at the time I didn't, I looked, there was a brief moment where like I was very skinny. Yeah. Had long hair. Yeah. Yeah. Tall guy. You're how tall are you? Uh, six, two. Yeah. But they were, but the look was skinny with long hair and look like someone that did drugs. And I was like, yeah, had been researching. Yeah. I've been getting ready for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh,

Yeah, so I did that for like, I moved to Europe. I lived in London and I did that for like four years and then... So you have a job or you just go with your friend? I went, no, my friend, like my friend was like huge. I met someone, I met like an agent in New York. Heidi Klum was your friend. What's that? Heidi Klum, your friend. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And I once saw her in person years ago and she was so beautiful. It was crazy. I believe it. I saw her at a flea market. Wow. Yeah. And did, yeah, it was really stunning. And yeah,

God, wow. You're like, I'm a model. Yeah. What's up? Stock headshots. Yeah. So then, you know, so she was big. But you got a job and you moved? Or you just moved? I met an agent. I met an agent through her. And he's like, come and do Fashion Week in Monticello.

Milan. Right off the rip. Yeah, like they, but it's like a scam. It's like a scam. Like they bring in like all these dudes, but I actually got lucky and had booked some shows. Another way you narrowly avoided molestation. Absolutely. Like,

Honestly. You're in a foreign country. Some gay guy's like, yeah, come to Italy. Can't read the street signs. Yeah, it's in a foreign language and it's fucking just print. You're 0 for 2. Starving for some reason again with a sucker. When they talk about people at work being sexually harassed and stuff like that, that shit does...

Yeah. In male modeling. Of course. And these guys that were homophobic until the fucking plane landed in Milan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Because generally male models, when I was a male model, it was like just the best looking guy from high school. Right, right. It was like the athletes that were fucking shredded. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

And now they have to Yeah 100% But I was like In high school There were like parties Pool parties Where I would like Swim with a t-shirt Like I was not like I am hot Yeah yeah But I was There was That look was popular Whatever So I went And

And like Milan Fashion Week back then was just like a cattle call. And I think people liked the idea. I was embarrassed. In my mind, I wanted to be like, you know, I was like, Jerry Garcia would not be walking around Italy with a fucking portfolio. Now I look back and I'm like, you couldn't read. Yeah.

You had no employable skills. You're not going to work in a factory. You had no upper body strength. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I should have been... Yeah, you should have been... Jumping for jobs. It was one of the few possible jobs you could have had. Yes. Just walking. I might have gone only possible jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like...

Yeah, so anyways, I did it for like four years. But what freaked me out was I hated school. My dad growing up didn't like his job. And I had this thing in my head where I wanted to do something that I loved. Same. Did you really? You're like, I'm not going to have a shitty job? Well, it's the same thing. My dad would always complain constantly. Would talk about how we fucking took him from Greece. How it's like he hates all the shit he has to do.

And he was like, you better fucking get a good job or you're owned up like me. And I always pretended. And so they always wanted me to be a lawyer and shit because I was good at school. Or just like some, you know, go to school, get a good job, all that shit. And I always knew.

I was like, I know I'm going to be different from my dad. And I thought it was going to be, oh, I'll be a lawyer or something. But in the back of my head, I was like, I don't want to do that shit. Oh, really? I always wanted to do comedy. Oh, really? From the time that I was like nine or 10, I knew. Wow. And I pretended not to because I wanted my parents to like, I had all this immigrant guilt of like, oh, I have to be successful and I have to get a good job and everybody's depending on me.

And then it was like when I was like, I started doing open mics when I was like 19 and

And then the guilt came back and I quit and went to school. No way. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, oh, my family really, you know, whatever. And then I was doing this and I was like, this makes me miserable. Yeah. And then I was like, wait, fuck my family. I'm a child. Yeah. I'm 18. Like they're the adults. It's not my fault. They get, you know, my dad can't fucking pay his bills. Like so. So that I had like that realization. What made you have that epiphany?

I think it was that like, it's one thing to say this is what I'm going to do. Yeah. I'm going to do something that I don't really, that I hate because I'm good at it and I can make money. It's one thing to say that theoretically, but when you had gotten the taste of what comedy is like, and then you have to go back and I had these, I was interning at the Maryland House of Delegates. Like I was doing this like fucking, you know, I was getting all these like, I was getting four, I had great grades. I was on a scholarship program, but I hated it.

And I was like, I don't, I'm like, wait, this is going to be this for 40 years? Yeah. I'm going to feel this way for 40 years? So it was just one of those things where I was like, I cannot do this. Yeah. I physically will fucking want to, like I already, even when I'm doing something I like, I half want to kill myself. Yeah. Now I got to go fucking do something I hate. Yeah. So it was that thing where I was like,

Fuck it, dude. I'm just doing... And I had jobs, but really, once I got back to stand-up, I knew I was like... So how much time did you take off?

Probably like a year, year and a half. Nothing crazy. By the time I was 21, I was doing it again full, and I never stopped since then. I did it for like a year, nine months, something like that. Were your folks disappointed? Did you finish school? Dude, I didn't finish school. I need six credits to graduate, and they're language credits, and I'm fluent in Greek. So I could take a test.

But I just don't. I just think it's kind of funny. Yeah. Because I walked. They let you get your degree. Oh, really? Well, they let you walk because they assume you'll go to summer school and get your degree because what kind of lunatic would get 98% of a degree and then be like, no, I'm good. Yeah, yeah. But all I wanted was the pictures for my mom. I didn't give a fuck. I got the cap and gown pics. Yeah, yeah. They can suck my dick. So they definitely were. Sounds like quite a commencement speech. Yeah.

Yeah, I was valedictorian. But yeah, they were definitely disappointed at first. Literally, my dad called me once, and he was like...

This is when I told my mom, I was like, hey, I want to do comedy. I don't want to. Because I might have gone to grad school. I might have gotten a serious job out of undergrad. But instead, I was like, hey, I just want to let you know I'm giving comedy a shot. I'll have some bullshit jobs, but this is my main priority. Yeah. And I told my mom that. And then my dad, I just get a call from him. And he picks up and he's just like, just a sigh. Really? And I'm like, hello? And he's like, no, hello, no, nothing. He's like.

Your mom told me you're going to do comedy now, huh? And I was like, yeah. He was like... And literally hangs up. Really? Yeah, that was the conversation me and my dad had about me doing... That's the only time we ever discussed doing comedy. And then he saw me when I opened for Bobby at Magoobie's Joke House. Yeah. You know, they saw me do shit later. My mom completely is on board and was on board pretty quick. Yeah. She saw... She thought...

I was just trying to get fucked up and have a good time and not have a job. Yeah. Which, you know, I get why I was lazy growing up. But in reality, I was just like, I fucking liked comedy. So she's on board now. But it was that it was it was touch and go there for a while. But but yeah, I don't know. It's no male modeling. That's for sure. Well, but the comp. So I had the same thing where my dad didn't.

So he's not respecting you as a model or what? No, no, no. My folks have been totally on board with everything. They're just happy you're not. They wanted me to... They were worried that I was going to stay in my hometown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I had an opportunity to travel, they were like really... That's honestly huge for your dumb ass kid who's on acid and can't read. Yeah. Where he's in Milan and fucking seeing Italy, seeing Paris. Well, just they thought...

Yeah. And, and, and it was, and I was there while my friends were in college. I guess my friends finished before I had moved home. But, but for me, it was like, my dad didn't love his job. And, uh, I was like, fuck, I don't want to do that. And then on top of that,

from kindergarten to the end of school was hell. So I was like, I am not doing something I don't enjoy. Right, right, right. For a millisecond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a millisecond of my adulthood. So even modeling where I look back and I'm like, I probably should have done it longer. Yeah. Uh,

Like, for example, I lived in this modeling... They were like hotels, but they were just for models. Yeah, hilarious. And there was, like, at one point... There would be, like, four dudes in a room. Like, you know, these little cots. Again, with the molestation. Truly. It's hilarious. You were so close to getting sex trafficked. Yeah. So, I mean... So, living in Milan, living in these, like... And sometimes it was, like, five dudes in a room. It would be a big room with, like, just, like, single beds. A guy that I lived with and...

So I quit modeling. He stayed with it. And then when I moved to New York to do comedy, so I was a comedian in Vancouver for years with the goal, get to fucking New York. You know, I saw a comedian, the duck. I was like, get to New York. Of course, of course. I move in. I'm living with a couple in Williamsburg and they had four cats and a pit bull. Oh my God. But like lovely animals, but lots of them. Too many. Yes. In a two bedroom apartment. Yeah. And I'm, I'm just renting a room there. I'm putting the, this, like,

if you saw this in a movie, you'd be like, dude, it's too on the nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm putting my key into this new apartment knowing that I'm like moving into a fucking petting zoo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as I'm putting the key in, the door across the hall opens up and it's the guy I used to live with. He stayed modeling. He now lives in Williamsburg with his Brazilian supermodel. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

wife and their gorgeous kids. He's retired at like 32 years old. And I'm not like, I'm not exaggerating. Like, I'm not lying. I'm not saying like, yeah, it was actually the second time I... No, the time, the key...

The fucking thing The dude walks out Like it was It was a fucking episode Of Friends man Like it was Insane timing It was like And action And you had to see him I had to see him And I was like

And he's like, he didn't at first didn't like fully recognize me. And then, and then he did. And then he's like, how's it going? And I'm like, Oh, good. You know, really good. Really, really good, man. Oh, really awesome. Oh, dude. Oh, God, you do not know. It's just a bachelor lifestyle. Who,

Who's that? Yeah. Yeah. Who's that really unattractive Brazilian supermodel you're married to? Yeah. Who's that six and a half back there? Oh God. It was, it was, it was fucking nuts. So I could have maybe done it a little bit longer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But,

But, oh, God. And, okay, so when you start, you do, like, editorial stuff. And it doesn't really pay, but you, like, shoot with, like, cool photographers. You get good pictures. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But you're trying to get, I mean, you want, like, a clone ad or whatever. But also, if you do catalog work, it pays really well. And my last job was in Germany, and it was just trying on ski coats. And you make ridiculous money. And here I am, fucking illiterate, with no plan. No plan.

With no plan You're like Fuck this What the fuck am I Another winter jazz sleeves Yeah yeah yeah With like the easiest job That's awesome Wine and dine By some fucking German ski company Yeah yeah yeah And I thought I was above that Yeah And Moved home to Vancouver To take an improv class Yeah

It's so insane. That is the most special ed thing you've ever done. Oh, yeah. That's the most. That's dumber than the way I spell Wednesday. That is. It's fucking insane. And my parents were just like, yeah, that sounds right, dear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one was like. Too supportive. Yeah. Someone should have been like, dude. Stay with it. What are you fucking. To what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So anyways, I didn't... I wasn't... I love music and LSD. We touched upon that. But I was never someone who... Like, I was always, like, a smartass. Yeah. And was, like, someone...

Who, like, was fearless when it came to, like, basically what I do in between jokes, the crowd work I did. Sure, sure, sure. I've done since I was eight. You've been fucking with people. Yeah, just, like, fucking around. Yeah, yeah. And being a smartass, which was dangerous in my hometown because it was a lot of fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, but I didn't love, I guess, I love making people laugh, but I didn't realize...

That was a thing. Like I didn't know it was a skill. Of course, of course. Growing up, hockey was a skill. Yeah. School, like things that you could grade and you can't grade how much laughter you got on a Friday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had no idea that I had any ability in anything. It is really funny because it is these intangible things. Yeah. We were like, what is podcasting other than

having a good time, being a good hang for a little bit. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, we have turned these weird intangibles into... Because I feel like I've gone pro at hanging out. That's what this life and job feels like. It's like, I'm one of the top 10 hanging out guys. Well, it's true. I mean, and the dudes that are great at podcasting are dudes that are great hangs. Yeah, you got to be a great hanger. You have to have that like...

Those like, you know, joke, joke, joke, like anything fucking bang. You know, it's like those are the two, you know, top skills. That and...

Or just knowing random facts. Random facts and having no shame in talking about really personal things. Yes, Mark. The Norman school. Exactly. He'll say whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. But wait. Oh, yeah. So then I moved back and I started to do it. And then the first improv class, I got a laugh from the class. And I was like,

Oh, this feels as good getting a laugh from strangers as it does from friends and family. Sure. So then I slowly started doing comedy. Still, big mistake. Yeah. Your life would be so much better. I could have seen them. That could have been me with the thing. You could have been the funniest model. You know how much more fun that would be? Yeah. Than like a hot comedian. Funny model is who you want to be, pal. I could even get laid in Boston. Yeah.

Well, there's a ton of other shit I want to talk about. I think that's a nice little... Well, come on. You got to come back to Stavi's world. Oh, I'd love to come back to Stavi's world. But we got to... Now that we got a little taste of our dyslexic...

friend here. We're going to take some calls. We're going to answer some listener voicemails. 904-800-STOP. I hope you guys ask questions about doing acid because Phil's got you covered. But before we do that, why don't we... You're on the road. What are you doing? Where can the people find you, Phil, before we do...

Sorry to Please take this out Because I know It's annoying When everyone asks this But when does this come out What should I play We don't even know Like in a month Or a month and a half March April maybe Oh Oops I quit comedy in May So

Where should I plug? Go Raleigh, you know what I mean? Oh, sweet, sweet. Okay. This, please come. Charlie, good night. Raleigh, March 3rd. You promised me this would be up by then. No, we can't promise that. Indianapolis.

Indianapolis, right? Is that a Greek name? Apolis? Yeah, Apolis, yeah. Indianapolis. March 4th, so Raleigh, Charlie, good night's March 3rd. Indianapolis, March 4th. Right next to each other, Raleigh and Indianapolis. We'll talk to my agent about rooting. Nice routing, yeah.

And then he's back in Raleigh the next day. Yeah, yeah. Really show Raleigh. Let's show you need apples. Philly, March 9th to 11th. Philly punchline. And then Houston, the riot, the 7th and the 8th. Okay. Yes. Please come to those shows. That's April. Minimum, you will hear this by the Houston dates, guys. That we can promise. Yes. Yes.

Please, I want to sell those tickets. April 7th and 8th at Houston, The Riot. Yeah, and go watch the special, of course. Ooh la la. Ooh la la. Very good stuff. But, you know, we just want to get those plugs out. Well, before you guys are fast-forwarding to the end, go see our boy Phil. Watch his special. And now why don't we get some questions here. Let's get Phil's perspective on some of these life issues our friends are having. Go ahead, I'll just play us the first one.

Hey Stav, I just got a quick question for you. I've been dating this girl for about two and a half years. You know, her dad's the real money maker of the family, a real successful guy.

Damn.

My girlfriend's always kind of said that she has suspicions that her dad cheats, but it's never been confirmed. And now I've been living with this secret for about a month or so.

I don't, I just don't think I should tell her, but part of me wants to, you know, honesty in a relationship is important. I just don't know if I should tell her. So if you could let me know what you think, that'd be sick. Love what you're doing. Yeah. Well, look, honest, honesty in a relationship is important, but is it more important than some guy getting pussy on the side? It's hard to say. Um, I,

At the same time, I do feel for this guy because it's a weird situation. It's like... It's not like, you know... It's a rumor. It's going around. You know? It's not... What I...

what yeah also it's like weird what kind of it's like does he drive a green car yeah oh he's fucking his receptionist oh yeah you know what i mean oh yeah green car big dick mike yeah of course hell no no mike he fucking stretched vanessa out we were talking about it for months right in that buick uh yeah that's but also it's

I've had situations in life where you try to do the right thing and it fucking blows the fuck up. And then she associates you with the worst news she's ever got in her life. Oh, that's a good point. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if she's like...

Sure, if someone's completely evolved, say they started doing LSD at 12, they can handle something like that. But that's a fucking biggie. Even if sometimes someone will hint, like maybe she's like, oh, my dad, he's such a flirt when we go to Home Depot or whatever. Yeah. That man sees an orange apron. He can't help himself. Yeah. He has an orange tent. So, but...

Yeah, that's a fucking, like, even if she hints at it, it's still, she couldn't really, maybe she doesn't come to terms with it. And your point about trying to, going out of your way to do the right thing, blowing up in your face, I believe in The Wire, the term was, there you go again, giving a fuck when it's not your turn to give a fuck. And that is honestly great advice. Yeah. In some way, now look, I also understand that you love your girlfriend and you want her to know the truth.

Here's how I would play it. First of all, I could swallow this secret without even thinking about it. Oh, my God. It wouldn't even... It wouldn't even... You wouldn't even remember. I would... Yeah, I would force myself to forget, or I would just keep it in the back of my mind in case me and Pops have a little run-in. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'd be driving the green car, you know?

You know what I mean? Yeah, I'd show up in the fucking Porsche and my girlfriend would be like, how'd you get this? Your dad is just a really big fan of mine. He's just a really cool, really reasonable guy. But if you're not built like this,

You can't swallow dark family secrets. You don't come from a family that the father was pretty openly cheating on the mother, and you've learned how to compartmentalize that if you're not that kind of guy. Here's how I would play it. I would either broach the situation or I would kind of like talk about her dad with her, kind of have a little conversation, or if it ever came up, if it ever came up, you want to pounce and be like, well, you know, if you...

If you're worried, we could ask around. I'm sure, you know, I'm sure I could do a little snooping. Yeah. Oh, that's smart. You know what I mean? If you make it sound like, I mean, how worried are you about this? You want me to like ask around? And if she's like, you know what, I'd rather not know, then, you know, you have your answer right there. But if she's like, really, you think like somebody might know and you're like, it doesn't hurt. I can ask. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

And you'll, and she's like, oh, well, okay. And then, then you just give it a week, give it three days or whatever, and then come back with the old information as new information. But at the same time, you know, it's a rumor. You don't want to fucking, you know. Yeah.

But it does seem like a pretty out-in-the-open rumor. It's also not... How long has this guy been dating her, does he say? I don't think so. Oh, two and a half years. Two and a half years is a little different. Oh, that's interesting. I feel like I couldn't walk around with that. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Two and a half years is serious. You couldn't walk around with that?

If you're, like, in the relationship long enough and if it's, like, kind of on her radar already or something. Yeah. I don't know. It depends how rumor-like it felt. If it's just some fucking guy who works at some place and, like, it seems... Oh, yeah. I heard he gets pussy. That's not the same as, like, on March 24th he was spotted with Erica coming out of a motel. Like, there's, you know, if it's closer to the latter. Yeah. I...

Two and a half is serious. That's a serious girlfriend. But also, there's a thing, and I've had this experience where I had a girlfriend who had to choose between her and me, and we'd been together for years. What do you mean, her and you? Like, her family. She had to choose between her family and me, and it was, and she didn't give it a second thought. She went with the family. So, and you think, because to my mind, it would be like if my family, like, so...

It could blow up for him. Sure. And it could also... Maybe...

Maybe the mom is aware. What about this scenario? The mom is aware. She's just turned, you know, wants to turn a blind eye. Then you confront, the daughter confronts. So then the mom is like, well, I'm her, like, then the mom's in this weird position where like, this could blow shit up. It could get fucking nuclear real quick, man. So, okay, that's fair. However, I will say that,

The read you have to make here is like, what does your girl think of her dad? Like if somebody... If this is me, right? Yeah. I don't fuck with my dad. And I know he's cheated, whatever. But it's like... But if somebody came up to me and was like, your dad like... Like...

in a situation where somebody had proof back in the day yeah i would personally i would appreciate that yeah if your girl doesn't like her father or she shit talks her dad or or if it's more than just suspicions and she's like i think he's cheating on my mom he's a fucking piece of shit you do have to play it by ear because i agree with you sometimes there is like a family first all the way yeah yeah i don't know if this is that and that's i'm gonna guess that was an immigrant

because immigrants are like that where it's like your family it's ride or die white people they'll pick you over white girls will pick you over her family a lot of the time yeah uh so are we dealing with some are we dealing with some honky pussy right now but those are your that's what you have to figure out how does she feel about it how much of a how a how much of a rumor is this is it real uh

B, how does she feel about her dad? And then you have to think, do you want to slow play it or do you want to just say like, Hey, I heard some fucked up shit about your dad at work. And also if you can just fucking go about your day. And if you can't, if you can, if you can live like that, go about your day. Those are your options, pal. And that's what you have to figure out. And we actually have three competing. This is interesting because the panel is split. Yeah. All this is tell her right away. Um, I don't respect MTV's bro code. Yeah. I don't respect the guy code at all. Um,

Phil's like, hey, man, let it roll, brother. You know? Yeah. Well, I would do... No, I'm... And I'm more of the, like... I'm a little bit on your side. I agree with you to a certain extent, but... I would poke it a little.

I'm the middle way where I'm like, I would do a little more facts finding. Yeah, because could you imagine if the mom knew it was an arrangement, but then the mom's confronted with the daughter has to say like, you let him, you know what I mean? Of course, that's a whole, you're right. That's the nightmare scenario. But, you know, good luck. We just gave you three completely different answers. Figure it out, dumbass.

And listen, 904-800-STOP if you want this level of advice. If you have a deep personal problem. If you want mocked. Yeah. All right. What do we got, Eld? Hey, Stassi. Big fan. Listen, I got a question about... I love my girlfriend, right? So we've been dating about...

Four months, you know, and we have done, I mean, the sex is good, but I mean, now she has to be like choked and hit a lot. Sure. And like, you know, I mean, I was fine with the occasional slap, but she asked me a couple of days ago to punch her in the face. Um, and I don't know exactly how I feel about that. Yeah. You know, that could be, that's kind of problematic for me. I mean, I was raised not to hit a woman, but she did ask me to, um,

Yeah, let me know. What the hell do you think I should do? Do I punch her in the face if she asks? Or... I don't know. I can use your advice. Okay. Well, you weren't raised to hit a woman, but were you raised to hit a woman when your cock was inside of her? Those are two different things. I'm pretty sure your mom was never like, listen, you know... She never had to talk about hitting a woman while...

penetrating her. It's a little bit of a different thing. And also, just because you act like you hit her during sex, that means if she annoys you during dinner, you can also hit her. It doesn't open up the floodgates to just punch a woman if you have rough sex with her.

So it's not really to me a... I wasn't raised to do this because we weren't raised to eat ass either, but we're all doing it. But if you're not comfortable with it, that's another thing. And I get that. Punch is a fucking... Yeah. That's a slap. I can get behind, but punch is a little... Now we're really talking. Now the fucking big guns are out. Yeah, like I would... If you're in...

You're sleeping with someone, you want to fulfill them, you want to please them or whatever. But if someone was like, punch me. Yeah. Yeah, that's... How annoying was she that day? I've had some exes where it's like, if that's what she wanted, I'd be like, I wouldn't even think. That's like a... If he... First off, that's unique shit.

Sure. I've had many conversations about sex before. Punch is tough. No one's ever, like, I've never seen someone wrapping their knuckles and thought, oh, you're going to make love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know you're in a relationship. So that's like a unique request, and I'm not judging her for whatever she wants or whatever. No.

Clearly, if you're reaching out to a podcast host for advice, you're not comfortable with it. So if you're not comfortable with it, then don't... And don't think...

Like, there's anything wrong with not... That's like a... I feel like that's what I would classify as a big ask. Yeah, it's... I would... Absolutely. It's in the same category as, like, pegging you or, like, you know, if your girl was like, hey, do you mind if while we fuck you suck a guy's cock?

You'd be like, no thanks, I'm all set. But punch, I would honestly punch a real punch. I would put that in the same category as sucking some cock because that's tough. A slap is fine. I'll get a slap in there. Choking is even fine too. But look, it's not about how you're raised. It's not about problematic. It's not about any of that shit. It's about what you're comfortable in within your relationship. And look, because it's a big ask, maybe you treat it like other big asks are.

and maybe on her fucking birthday, you really tune her up. You know what I mean? I don't know, man. Maybe you save it for a special occasion, the way like a girl will only let you fuck her in the ass on vacation every once in a while, that kind of thing. If that's how you're comfortable, that's all I'm saying. I'm not saying you have to get in the... You can also just have...

a sexual boundary and it's totally valid for you to just be like, hey, listen, I'll slap you, I'll choke you, I'll spit in your eye, I'll call you a whore, but I really don't want to be fucking uppercutting you. I don't want to donkey punch you while I'm hitting it from the back. How do you even punch someone's face without likely fucking their face up or leaving a mark or something? While you're having sex, you're already moving. Yeah. How do you take that into account?

I mean, from a just mechanical standpoint, I could see it. It wouldn't be a serious one. I think it'd be like... If you're not... But let's also say something fucked up has happened here. Let's do a little math. Well... But listen, she's got a bust. She's got a bust. I don't have a... But, you know. Well, I mean, I think across the board, if you're with someone and you're not into what they want to do, then I think you don't have to...

If you don't punch your girlfriend, it doesn't mean you don't love her. That's right. Beautiful words. And also, it's four months. Look. Four months, yeah. You have to draw your bound. You have to think about what you're comfortable with. And the chips are going to fall where they may. Maybe this is a problem for her. She wants to get punched all the time. Maybe it's a special occasion, whatever. But you have to figure out what you're comfortable with. Communicate that to her. Say, look...

I'm just not that I'm comfortable with this. Maybe once in a while, maybe never. This is what I'm comfortable with. And that's okay. It can be a little awkward. I get that. But there is so many of these questions come down to have a conversation about it. Yes. Which is hard. I understand that it's hard, but is it harder than punching her in the face? Probably not. I would just have the conversation. I don't think there's anything. If the conversation is...

It's easier than punching her in the face. Have the conversation. If you find punching her in the face easier than the conversation, then fucking uppercut her. You know what I mean? Those are your options. But I think have a conversation. Talk about what you actually want. And that's whether it's a punch or a peg or ass eating or a role play or whatever. You have to figure out what you want in a consensual relationship. You know, you're a rough sex guy there, Phil.

I mean, I'm like the person I'm with, whatever they're into. You're a little chameleon. You're a sexual chameleon. You know what I mean? But I've never... That's never been the thing. You're not beating off things about slapping a woman. Well, I've never had anyone ask me something where I was like, wait, did I mishear that? You know what I mean? Something that sounds like a fucking X-rated jackass prank. I've never...

I want you to push me off my bike. Not to judge. I'm not judging. Whatever people are into. But that strikes me. Also, like, what if it's like a phase? Or what if she's just had that fantasy and then you put... I don't know, man. I don't know. So I've never been with someone who... I've never been taken back by a request. A request. Sure, sure, sure. I have, but it's been more psychological. Yeah.

People have been like, I can dirty talk, but it's like sometimes somebody will want real wild shit said about them. And I'm just like, all right, can I just fucking come? Can I just bust for Christ's sake? I got to be fucking doing a whole monologue. Yeah. I talk for a living. You got to do accent work. Yeah. You've never let the hands fly, Eldest. You're a gentle giant. Sometimes. I mean, yeah.

Everyone's different, you know. Whenever I've done, like, sort of shit like that, though, it's like, it always feels like

you know, kind of like a role play thing where I'm not really into it, but yeah, sure, fuck it, let's get in there. I'll never see you again. What do I care? Let's get in the Oxygon. It's like, yeah, overall, you know, I'm good with a ma and pa in the cab in style sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just, let me look at a nice pair of titties. You want to turn the other person, like you want to turn the other person on, that's like part of the thrill. I will say there are certain...

Girls for whatever reason Like A lot of girls who are attracted to me Want to be thrown around I think it's because you're like a big guy Okay They just assume you're gonna fucking manhandle them Yeah And I think maybe they can tell That I have an anger problem I'm trying to suppress Do you have an anger problem? Huh?

I grew up with my big anger problem, my whole family. I've gotten a lot better with it. Yeah. And I will say if a girl is annoying enough, sometimes she taps into that. And I do kind of fucking, they can tell that it's like, oh, his dad must have broken coffee tables. So I'm going to ask him to, you know, slap me. And if they catch me when I'm really thinking about childhood trauma, sometimes they hit the jackpot.

But it feels like an unclean use of, it feels like an unclean energy that you're tapping into. I'd much rather just look at a nice big pair of tits and bust, personally. But, you know, you got to do what you got to do, pal, ultimately. And to our friend, I think you're not, you know, you might have not had an abusive father. So maybe you're not going to be good at it. What else do we got here, Eldis?

Hey, what's up? So, question for you. I'm not quite legal advice, but like ethical. I don't know how this is starting. I don't like how this is starting. Input on a legal decision I'm trying to make. So, a couple months back, my now ex-girlfriend...

tried to murder me. So, like, he pulled a knife on me and then cut my chest. Super fun. He knows you didn't actually go to law school, right? I was a paralegal. They didn't check if I graduated. So they hired me. Wait, this is wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. Start this a little bit back. Yeah.

So, I'm trying... Super fun. I continued to date her. Really smart. Tried to murder me. So, like, she pulled a knife on me and then cut my chest. Super fun. Cut your chest? I continued to date her. Really smart for me. And then only later on did she become my ex after she cheated on me with, like, a full frat. No, come on. So, I have all the evidence and the police report.

And like, she had gone to jail originally for trying to kill me, but I didn't like, press charges. Should I do that now? Or would that like, kind of be like a dick thing to wait this long? Or um, it's also like a dick thing that she tried to kill me and then cheated on me. Just, you know, looking for a little bit of input here. Thanks homie.

You were going to let a fucking attempted murder slide until she got a train ran on her, dude? That ain't how it works, bro. Damn, imagine. Just imagine how good this girl's pussy is. I mean, this must be insane. Your own blood is dripping off your chest. Like you're, what, an inch and a half from your heart? Your chest, like it's what...

Okay, I've never heard of, like... Yeah. So, uh...

the stabbing thing sure but when you let's just quickly go over body parts the last place you want to be stabbed I would say chest is pretty up there face yeah I would say face face is top and then chest I would say anywhere like a big vein is yeah you don't want to be stabbed like that but your chest is bad if that's her first point of entry yeah that's that's a kill shot yeah yeah yeah that's a kill shot that's intense man I love that he was like I continue to date her

Could you imagine you're like the next day you're out at lunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your wound is bleeding through your... Your polo's got a little fucking blood on it. Yeah, it looks like the horse shot. The horse has been shot. So look, pal. Honestly, literally, if you could press a button and feel what it felt like for this girl to suck your dick...

That's what AI needs to get working on. Because I guarantee you this might be one of the best people in the universe at sucking dick. There's no way you keep dating someone who stabbed you in the chest and then she fucked 12 guys and then you're like, well, this doesn't.

Yeah. Okay, here's what I'll tell you. You're dumb as hell. This guy's stupid, obviously, but we've all, you know, I can't really fault him. But he says I'm stupid. He knows what he did. He knows what he did. He knows he listened to his penis. Yeah, and his chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not his blood vessels. Here's what I'll say you do.

You don't do it now, but you break up with her. You get her completely out of your life, right? You draw a boundary. You're like, never speak to me again, whatever, whatever. And you have, because here's my guess. She ain't going to go easily. This is a good question.

This is not a reasonable person. This is somebody who is going to, you know, as J.P. McDade on an earlier episode said, put your dog in an air fryer. This is that type of lady, okay? So I would just keep the attempted murder charge in your back pocket as a sort of like default or backup almost like...

What's the thing where they have to stay a certain amount away from you? What are they called? A restraining order. You've essentially got a de facto restraining order in your back pocket. For the statute of limitations, though, what is the statute of limitations on that? For attempted murder? Yeah. I'm going to say it's longer than a couple months. I don't know. More than a frat party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The judge is like, how much cock did she suck? It depends. It depends.

How ran through was her pussy afterwards? You get a month for every fucking gallon, every quart of cum she swallowed. You get to extend the statute of limitations. That's what I would do. I would move on with my life, make a clean break from it all, and definitely don't do it retaliatorily because she fucked a bunch of other guys. Because guess what? That was always going to happen, and you knew that in the back of your head. You think this is going to end in what?

He thought she was going to get on the right cocktails and become a wife. No, you knew what this was, pal. So, you know, just keep it in your back pocket, move on. And if a woman ever does, you know, this kind of violence towards you, get out of the relationship a little sooner, I would say. You ever been attacked by a lover? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I have. But I would say, never with a sharp object. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say to this dude, first off, don't, move on, do not. This is a situation where you unfollow, block numbers. Block everything. Move on, do not. Move towns. Get away from this woman. See, I understand that, I don't, again, I've never been stabbed. Maybe see, and I'm not,

whatever, you know, I've been to therapy, go to therapy and find out why you stayed with this woman. You thought it was okay. Yeah. Like why, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do that, but really, and not when I say block, try to do it in a subtle, like I would tip toe away from this person and stay,

Stay away from this person. Do not. I would do charging thing. I would just get, I would just get out and get away. What's she going to do if you charge her and she gets a really good lawyer? Huh?

Well, how did she get the lawyer? I don't know. But like if he presses charges and like she somehow wiggles out of it. Right, right. No, exactly. That could trigger some retaliation from her. You just want to... Yeah, step away. You get away. And if she shows up and she's, you know, shit all over your... Smeared her shit all over your Scion TC. Then...

maybe think about pressing, but you can't be the one to start a new, a fresh round of violence. Exactly. But if she does, I think you should, but again, also talk to a lawyer and not us. Yeah. Call a lawyer and ask him about this. Yeah. Oh, fuck. All right. Hit us with another one, L. Good calls. Solid calls. Yeah. And I have a question about

Like law school, basically. So I'm in law school and it is pretty much the worst place on the face of the fucking earth. It's a factory to like make evil drones. But anyways, the best part is that I have two really, really good friends. The three of us are super tight. We're like, you know, Trek, Fiona and Donkey. And anyways, my two friends started fucking.

So you're a donkey. Things were going fine. Things were going, you know, just peachy at first. We were all still like great buds.

But the whole time that they were fucking my it's a guy and a girl and the girl was like hey listen I'm still legally married. She's broken up a whole thing to get divorced So she became so legally married like I really want to be single like I cannot be in like a formal relationship And I got the whole time like yeah, yeah, whatever but all of you know, they were constructively dating I mean they were sleeping over they were doing all the dating things Partly because we're all such close friends first. I

In any case, he went back home for the holidays. She fucked somebody else. It broke his heart. And she was like, hey, this is the deal. Like, I said that I wanted to be single. Like, this was not exclusive, but they're such good friends. In any case, I was a child of divorce. Right back in that dynamic. And, you know, he had a right to be pissed, but he was fucking awful to be around when he was mad at her.

And, you know, she felt very justified, but also sad that her friend was hurt. And in case, you know, they kind of got over it with all the pink friends again. And now they're fucking against stuff. I just feel like they either have to just suck it up and date because that's kind of what they're doing.

Or, like, she needs to actually be single. And I just, I don't want to be a child of divorce again. Can you help me out? You know, what can I do about this fucking situation? All right, I love you. Poor girl. This really is, she's completely recreated her childhood. Yeah, it's insane. That happens, though, right? It totally happens over and over again. She's innocent in the situation. So let me get this straight. There was three friends hanging out. Three friends. Two of them started hooking up.

And then the woman is separated. She's married. Yeah, she's about to get divorced. Okay. And she's like, hey, this is cool. Yeah. Thanks for the cock. Yeah. But we're not dating. At the same time, they basically behave like they were dating. Yeah, okay. So she fucks somebody else, breaks his heart, and I get that. I also...

I see where he's coming from fully and I see where she's coming from. This is interesting because this is a nice kind of swapping in gender roles where we've got the female dirtbag here because she pulled the move that a lot of dickhead guys do, myself in the past included, where you're like, hey, come on.

I was clear in my words, but all my behavior said something else. You know, like her words could have been clear, but she was like... But his feelings, she still made him feel... And she knows the deal too. It's like, look, we're close friends. Like we've been... I stay over all this stuff. I would put the blame a little bit more on her. Just a little bit. Just a pinch. Just a little bit.

Because he's kind of like the, like, you know, he's the one who clearly wants to date her. He's not fucking anybody else, whatever. But in her defense, she's just probably, because she's coming out of a marriage, just can't. Fully, no, no, don't get me wrong. She's right to want to be single. Yeah. But she also should...

She should also know that it's like... Dial it back. She fucked up in doing this with a friend. Yeah. That's her sin. Yes. It's not doing this with another guy. Yeah. It's like, okay, well, this relationship's over. I'll never see you again. But she did it with somebody that she's going to see over and over again. And not only that, our wonderful caller, she's put her in the middle of it because they're all friends and she's in law school. She already wants to kill herself. Best case scenario, she gets a job at a firm that's actively harming the world.

That's what she has to look forward to after her friends have fucked and ruined their nice little fucking little friendship triangle. Yeah. Now, can I help you out? I don't know, because to help you out, it kind of feels like we'd have to put you back in your child of divorce zone, where a child of divorce is always kind of the intermediary, always trying to fix everything.

And what I would say if you were trying to fix things is I would go to, I would talk to both of them. I would talk to the divorced friend and I would say, hey, like, I know you said this, but it is kind of fucked up that you guys are, you know, that you're kind of doing this and it's like,

You should date... You should be single. If you want to be single, go do this with other guys that it doesn't affect my life. Yeah. It doesn't affect... Don't do it with your friends either because it affects your life. Yeah. And just... You guys should break this off and you should like... You... You're going to have to kind of like set a boundary and stick to it. And then you say to the guy like, hey man, you're going to keep getting hurt. You should stop, you know, you stop doing this. And also if you're putting yourself through it, when can you just be aware? Like she was...

It sounds like one of the parts that's the biggest pain in the ass is how miserable the dude was after this went down. And then she... She should tell the guy, like, this is exactly what I went through as a kid. If you... Yeah. Sorry to cut you off. What I was gonna... Because what I was gonna say is, like, I would say to have that conversation, that's what you should do to fix it. Uh-huh. But...

that's just falling deeper into being the child of divorce again. Exactly, you're right. So what you have to do is realize that these are two fucking dumbasses and they're fucking their shit up and they are being...

The only thing I would say that you should do is instead of trying to fix it, do the thing you didn't do in the divorce because you felt like your family was going to fall apart if you advocated for yourself and say to your friends, hey, this is fucked up. Your weird little relationship is putting me in a really tough position. It's not good for either of you, but just speaking for myself, you have to figure it out because it's fucking my shit up. That's what you do to break yourself of the chains of the, like...

child of divorce shit. It's gonna be, you know, and look, here's the hard part, that might fuck everything up, and they might get their feelings hurt, or whatever, but that's the only, you have to decide whether you need to put yourself ahead of it, or you wanna like, try and keep this dynamic going, because to keep the dynamic going is to stay in the same, is to stay in the same pattern. In my opinion, again, I'm not a fucking therapist, this is, I just know as a person who's tried, like,

People who have behaved like my father, for example, I just don't, I cut them out of my life. Like, that's how I, that's what I learned. Whereas, like, I'm not going to try and, like, you know,

appease someone who's kind of like who's kind of behaves the same way I'm not gonna try and like make a dysfunctional situation work which is kind of what I did in my family I'm just getting the fuck out of them yeah right and I think that's probably that's I it was it's been very successful for me personally your situation is a lot different I'm just saying reading it through from my lens that's what I would do say what you feel say how the situation is affecting you don't worry about them because that's

kid worrying about their parents all over again, and then, you know, leave it up to them to fucking be good bros, and if they're not good bros, then fuck them until they figure it, they'll probably break up and figure it out, and, you know, now I know what you're saying, you're like, fuck, I shouldn't have to also lose my friends, potentially, because they are sucking and fucking each other, but...

that's life, baby. What can I tell you? Yeah, that's the part that sucks is she's going to... The two, unless the guy gets over the fact that she slept with someone else and then the girl wants what the guy wants, if they're not on the same page, it's going to be misery. The three musketeer thing is not going to occur again. Yeah, in fact, it's going to be misery.

Like, that's the plain reality. Unless she... They already fucked it up. They fucked it up. You're right. You're right. You can't unsuck the cock. Yeah. You can't un-lick the clit. They're wet. They're both wet. And you can't dry them off no matter how many ShamWow's you throw at them. So I would just say let your feelings be known and...

Know that if the relationship gets fucked up, if your cute little, you know, troika of friendship gets fucked up, it's not your fault. Like, it wasn't your fault. Your dad sucked off that guy in the park and ruined your family's relationship or whatever he did or she did, your mom did. So we're rooting for you. We love you. But your friends have fucked you. Yeah. And don't take it personally if everything falls apart. They made a mistake. They made a big mistake. And, you know.

Just recognize that. It's their fault. Blame them, not yourself. But we're rooting for you. Hopefully there's some miracle where it all comes out good. Next one, LD. Let's come down to earth a little. Hey, Stavi, you magnificent bastard. Big fan of the show, big fan of you for a long time. So here's the deal. I've been seeing this girl and...

We've done our thing a few times. Nice, dude. But there's a problem, and it's a big problem, but it's big enough to finish. Anyway, a little bit about this girl. Perfect body, just sexy all around, but sometimes her breath is just kicking, dude. Like...

It's happened a couple times, and I just don't know how to tell her without being an asshole because I'm such a sweetheart. What a good guy. It's hard for me to bring stuff up like that. I guess the question is how should I bring it up or should I bring it up at all? Tell her to brush her teeth or something? I don't know.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks, man. Okay. Here's... I'm gonna... Right off the bat, here's a couple things. You say she's hot as shit, perfect body, sexy all around. Now, are you the kind of guy who fucks girls that are that hot? Because if you're not, you just found out the reason you get to fuck her. You're... You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like that, like you maybe it's like you're mad that you were at the thrift store and the fucking Gucci, the Gucci shirt you found had a little bit of had an ink stain at the bottom.

You're an ink-stained Gucci shirt kind of guy. You're not a fresh Gucci shirt kind of guy. Are you a 10 with no bad breath? Is that who you are? I don't think so. So part of it might be this is the cost of doing business for fucking somebody this hot at whatever you look like. Now, maybe you're hot. I don't know. Maybe you are the kind of guy who can fuck hot girls, and you still would like to get this breath thing figured out. That's a very tough...

Telling somebody how they smell, always a difficult one. Whether it's body odor, whether it's, you know, pits, genitalia, mouth, ass, whatever it is, no one wants to hear they stink. I don't know. Brad Breath, you could try modeling toothbrushing with her like you do with a little kid. Like, whoa, isn't this cool? You're like, hey, I got you this. Oh, righty, here it is.

My job was giving away these Sonicare toothbrushes. I snagged us a couple. Why don't we try them out? That's what it is. You can't buy it for her. But if it was a giveaway, if it was a raffle you won...

Now we're thinking, oh my God, my job at this silent auction, I just got a free session with the fucking dentist. I just got a free session with the fucking, I don't know, what's the mouth guy? Is there a specific breath guy? Ear, nose, and throat doctor?

She could have like a, it could be a medical problem. Could be a fucked up tooth, dead tooth, something like that. Or like there's some, yeah. I don't know. I don't think you can, you could like one time before you sleep together, have like one of those breath spray things and just go. And maybe she's like, oh, can I have some of that? But you can't do that every time. Of course. Every time. Or you could go the other way. Start getting, start eating shit.

Start whatever it is. Start you get bad breath. Give her a little fucking taste of her own medicine. Let her say something. And then you're like, why don't we both work on this? But yeah, I don't. How rocking are we talking? I've never experienced really super bad breath. You know, knock on wood.

I've experienced it, but never with someone I'm dating. There's certain people who have... Of course, yeah, yeah. Because there's like a medical condition, right? Halitosis. Yeah, halitosis, exactly. So maybe she has a fucked up, you know, some kind of medical condition. I have known a hot girl with halitosis, actually. Really? And she was really like self... Not self-conscious, but she like... She treated it like it was a medical thing and she had like these lozenges. She was like a big...

you know, mint bread, you know, gum person. Yeah. Um, you know,

How to actually bring it up with no joke answer? Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. I think your answer about the... I mean, because it's probably beyond... I'm sure she brushes her teeth. Who knows? This is a problem. Yeah. This is hard to... I feel like this is something you could bring up, but it's hard, like... It sounds like they haven't been going out that long. Yeah. So, you know... How are you going to bring that up to someone you've been seeing for, like, three months? You got to befriend, like, a fucking mouth doctor. Yeah.

And bring her, bring him around or her. Get her on the operating table. Or her. And, and kind of, cause there's something really cool when you see, is there ever happened to you when you see like a doctor just at a bar and you're like, oh, my fucking shoulder hurts. And they like,

Touch it. Yeah. And they basically give you free doctor advice. Nothing feels better than that. Chris DiStefano was a... PT, physical therapist. Yeah, physical therapist. And I have grilled him so many times on shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, honestly, yeah, fucking do a little research. Talk to somebody. I bet if you Googled... Causes of bad breath, hot women. And how to tell... Maybe there is a way. I...

I can't see saying that. It would just be really hurtful. And then so embarrassing because it means it's gone on in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be what I feel if they think back. They'd be like, oh my God, my breast has been bad all this time. Yeah, I wonder. So he barely knows her, right? He says they've gone on a few times. So this is also tough because it's a tough thing to bring up early. I would say you don't... There's no...

This is a tough, I'm all for direct communication, right? Yeah. But I think you got to give this, something like this a couple months. Yeah. You got to think that this, you're actually going to date for real before you bring this up.

Or the other side, if it just becomes a hookup, I feel like there's something really freeing when two people know they're never going to date. And you can just kind of speak to each other the way you think you should. You can be like punch me in the face. Yeah. Like, damn, bitch, your breath is kicking. And your dad's banging the reception. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pull your dick out. You're like, you got to get that figure. Yeah.

There is something really nice about those relationships where it's like you both know it's just about sex. It's kind of... It is fun. You can become real friends with people that way, I think. But...

But yeah, he's in the weird zone right now. Even if you're friends, like I wouldn't want to tell my friend they have bad breath. I'll tell my friend they have bad breath. Really? If Eldest's breath was rocking, I would relish the opportunity to be like, the fuck is that? Did you suck your fucking dad's dick? It smells like my ass in here. I guess that means your dad fucked my ass. Damn, sometimes going off the top of the dome is a problem, but...

And he liked it, but I hated it, by the way. I'm like, I just forget it's about my breath. You're like, well, anyways, thanks for the Sonic Crab.

Fuck. All right. Good luck, buddy. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Either try our little Sonicare tricks, befriend the doctor, do a little research, or when it settles a little bit and it feels like it's something, bring it up gently.

And you could even say, I used to have this problem. Yes. Or I knew someone. Yeah. You know, who had this. My dog growing up. Yeah, yeah. My dog. You smell exactly like after my dog ate his own diarrhea. That's what it tastes like to kiss you. No, you got to be delicate. Don't hurt anyone's feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's fucking with one of those, like, what a swimmer puts on his nose. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I just got back from the pool. I'd rather stay. I'm so horny. I'm so horny, I can't take it. He's got the cap on and the goggles. The snorkel. All right, the cap can go, but that's it. Hit us with our finale, Eldis. Hey, Stav. So, during COVID, I was fucking this fat chick.

And like, she and I kind of had history, but like, we never like done anything. And then during COVID, we were both bored and like start fucking. And now she's like lost a bunch of weight. Like she goes to cycling class all the time. And,

She is. Yeah, 100%. She's so out of your league.

She is really, really. Oh, my God. I was fucking this fat bitch because I was constrained to a two-block radius of my house. But now she's lost weight, and I value her even in regular life like a human being. And I'm thinking maybe I could get pussy from her. Good Lord. Yeah, dude. Look, let this be a lesson to you, first of all.

And you guys just stopped? We had a history, but we never done anything. What's interesting is it's very possible that this woman feels the exact same way about him. Yeah. Like, you think you bestowed your cock upon a plus-size girl, but history, but we never did anything. Maybe she was like, there's that dumbass hot mic, but he's a fucking dickhead. But...

Oreo is the reason that she's like, what am I doing? I got to get my health together. I'm wearing a fucking mic. I'm wearing a fucking mic. I'm letting this guy roll me. I got to fucking eat vegetables. There's no way. She's like, I'm sleeping with this guy. He's got the sparkling personality. He's got the cutest nickname for me. Good lord, Michael. So yeah, dude. I mean, she is out of your league.

Now you say we ended on good terms. Here's the thing. Here's the other thing. You don't think she's getting this left and right right now? Yeah, come on, dude. You're the guy who's like, you're trying to get, you're trying to like...

Star Wars... You just realized Star Wars came out and you haven't even been in line trying to get tickets. You're going to have to wait a while if you're ever going to get... You're going to see... You're not seeing it opening night. A fat person losing weight is not trying to retread dick. You know what I'm saying? If I lost a bunch of weight, maybe I would try and fuck a couple of the insanely hot girls I was lucky enough to fuck. Maybe I'd be like, this is my way to get back in with them. But I'm not...

The price is going up. I'm trying to fuck even hotter girls. Actually, that's not true. I'd fuck a lot of the girls I fucked before, but that's just me. I'm a... What can I say? Loyal. I'm a loyal guy. Yeah.

Good guy. I'm a fucking good guy. What can I say? But for a woman who a bunch of fucking dumb asses like you were like, who in a bunch of guys heads, they're like, oh yeah, that cool fat girl I fucked. Not Stacy. You know what I mean? Like she, her price has gone up. She's not, it's, you're gonna, I would avoid this.

You're going to embarrass yourself or you're going to, you know, bring this woman out of the progress she's made and bring her back to her old life. Now, if we had to give you advice on how to go about this, I really don't know. I just don't. I just think you're fucked. I don't like your verbiage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I think what you said is exactly right. Yeah. Yeah.

She's not trying to come back to the fucking... When someone does anything...

Like, fitness is a fucking pain in the ass. Yeah, whatever. Anyone improves himself in any way, right? You work on your career. You try and make a lot of money. You try and get ripped. You try and lose weight. You try and whatever. Any progress, you're trying to upgrade everything in your life, including the dumbasses you let fuck you while everyone's watching Tiger King. You know what I mean? Like, you're out, bro. That's what I truly, that's what I think. But, you know.

And you don't sound that charming. You don't seem that sauced up, but who knows? Like, it's hard to give someone advice. If he was like, now, all right, yeah, I don't know. No, it's true, because he's like, I kind of want to fuck her again. He's not like, I think I really like that. Yeah, if he was like, I think I realize this. Yeah. Yeah, which is not, he just wants a piece. No, that's not, we just made it. Yeah. Yeah, no. We're giving him more credit than he deserves. Yeah.

And I get, look, to also, I understand, like, I want to fuck, I do, I'd like to fuck a lot of the people I've fucked before. If a girl I've fucked before gets a new haircut, I want to fuck her. Let alone if she, like, you know, lost a bunch of weight or, like, got, you know, got breast implants or something cool or gained a bunch of weight and her titties are looking awesome and her ass is looking fucking right. You know, if a girl makes any kind of change that I had a good sex life with, I just want to try to fuck that version of her.

personally. No, I get that. Or you still have feelings for the person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. You know what I mean? Even if they're not like... But...

It's not going to work for you. And honestly, I'm rooting against you. I want better for this woman than to fuck you again. And also, sometimes you recognize that it's not the best for the other person to continue, even if you get whatever. So I think you were right when you said it's not in her best interest to go back and have sex.

sleep with this guy. Yeah, yeah. So just for... Just to put some good will into the universe, this dude should just let her ride off into the sunset. Absolutely. Or let her reject you. And really, that's like her final test is can she... Maybe you owe it to her to try and fuck her now that I think about it. Because if she rejects you, then...

She's really learned something. And if she doesn't, you should not fuck her. That would take a lot of... That would be a real good Samaritan, but you're not that kind of guy. Maybe he should take the lesson, just hit the gym himself. He's like, I'm going to upgrade myself now, too. But I feel like there's more than just a couple push-ups going on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a lot. And he probably doesn't have time to improve his personality to the level we need him to.

He's probably set. He can work on the margins. Maybe he sent this and thought, wow, I didn't word that as eloquently as I would have liked to. It's possible. It's possible. But hey, let us know what happened. Yeah. And whatever. It sounds beautiful. It sounds like a beautiful love story. Yeah. So, you know.

Good luck. We hope you don't succeed for her sake. That's going to do it for the show, everyone. Thank you for listening. 904-800-STAV. Subscribe to the Patreon. Follow our regular shit if we're on the Patreon. We don't know yet. We record these a long time in the future and we're not very organized.

But go see Phil. Please. Watch his special. Follow me on Instagram. Follow him on Instagram. We're going to have little clips of beautiful moments. Follow him. You'll see him. And that's going to do it for us this week, guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Bye. Thank you.