Nimesh Patel
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Welcome everybody to Stop This World. 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. Got an awesome episode today. My boy Nimesh Patel coming all the way from Brooklyn. Took a nice long Uber to be here, folks. Oh, so stop and go. I do like making everyone come to Queens. That does feel like... It is a power move. My fucking... Yeah, the fuck is this? Bleep that. Yeah.

We don't want these lunatics knowing exactly where the fuck... And his mouth, too, by the way. Give him the fucking... So they can't read his lips. We don't need any deaf Redditors reading his lips and finding out the address. You know what's scary? I was on Reddit the other day, and there's people that can triangulate exactly where you are if there's a picture of your house. I'm like, that's fucking scary as fuck. No, Ari has said that, where he learned...

like how to take pictures in a way. Because he would just, he was so, he didn't want to get...

Reddit it so bad that he would go to like Thailand and like he would just disappear But he said one time somebody like triangulated his where he was like in some remote ass part of the fucking world Yeah, we're lucky that guy geo rainbolt uses his powers for good. You know that guy? No, it's like nice nice the guy who's like on Google Maps, huh? Dude, you could show this guy a picture of grass blurry and he'll be like that's Botswana He's awesome. Yeah, I rules

But yeah, dude. Yeah, don't stalk us. Hopefully we're out of here soon. This apartment, we've been in this apartment for years. This is the first place I moved when I came to New York. I fucking love, because I know how much I make on the road. Yeah, yeah. So I know how much you're making more or less. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, you have not lost the Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you got to stay humble, bro. You never know when the government's going to come taking all your money. Dude, I have that immigrant shit of like, it's ending tomorrow. Yes. Like, keep your money, keep it. Like, the fact that I use a bank is huge in terms of like, trust. You know what I mean? Like, my, definitely from a family that would like, put money in a fucking mattress, not let the government know about shit. My dad, you know, we were poor, but he also, like, it's like, it's

It's funny because he didn't make enough money to really have to pay taxes, but he still cheated on his taxes just out of the principle of the matter. Why would I pay this? The government doesn't get to know how much my contracting business makes, even though it was a fucking failure and he was a horrific businessman. You're doing okay, Stav. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If no one's told you that, you're doing all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're doing okay, man. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. But that is the thing I always worry about. Because we have an immigrant experience. Obviously, we share that. But Greeks and Indians, much different place in the average success rate.

rate in America I don't know much about how successful the Greeks have been really yeah yeah yeah like they'll run a great restaurant they'll run a they'll be like you'll get a couple who become like these like they own everything and like they become like landlords people own Queens yeah yeah exactly that kind of shit but it's like in terms of

In terms of like, I guess the thing that's interesting, though, when you're like a white ethnicity, is that like within a couple generations. I was just going to say, like, did the Greeks come over here and change their last names because they faced discrimination? In the beginning, yes. So it's really funny because some of our, like some people we grew up with in Baltimore, because me and Eldris grew up in Baltimore together in Greektown. He's Albanian, though, so you don't have to talk to him. I can smell it on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If there was a caste system, Albanians would just be underground. Like in the Greek caste system, Albanians don't even, they don't get to be on the pyramid. It's like grass, worms, Albanians. My uncle crossed the border from Albania to Greece one time, and he said like border guards shot at him in the field.

You gotta like dunk some bullets to get to the other side on Greece. They were just willing to commit extrajudicial murder to keep one Albanian out of Greece. And no, it would not have been a problem for those guys. Is it historically a problem? Or is it historically y'all Albanians did something? No, it's pure racism. Pure racism.

Just like a part of the world where everyone is the same to the rest of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like no one knows the difference between Albanians and Serbians. For sure. But that is...

You know that racism is so deep baked into like the human brain that like you go to Eastern Europe and it's like just slightly different variations of white people will hate each other. It's like Russia hating Ukraine and it's like, you're all the same to me. Why are you fighting? It's borderline like as if not more racist than like,

You know, they, like, you know, then you had here between, like, maybe not black people definitely got it the worst, but if we're talking Hispanic...

I think Albanians get treated worse than Hispanics do, or at least did. That's the suffering, the racism suffering index. We should figure that out, Elvis. In the Eastern European nations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the island nations, yeah, for sure. Because they're straight up killing each other. They're straight up doing like, especially like Yugoslavia when those countries broke up. Like that good, have you ever seen the two brothers?

the documentary through the Yugoslavian national basketball team. It's really fucking good. I've heard about it, but I didn't care enough about the white struggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. If you can sneak in through basketball, because it's like, it talks about how, I mean, that Yugoslavian team, they had, if you were like to re, if you were like to put back Yugoslavia before it was like, you know, separated, it would be Serbia. It would be wherever the fuck Luka's from.

Where's Luka? Croatia? Not Croatia. But you'd have... So Serbia, Croatia, wherever the fuck Luka's from. Slovenia. Slovenia. Slovenia. Oh, man. And so, dude, those teams might... If you... We're talking Jokic, Luka, and a bunch of Croatians. What's his name? Peja Stajac? Peja. Yep, yep. But like in today, if you were to get like the modern Yugoslavian team, they could legitimately beat America. Like they're that good. You would call them the chain smokers. Yeah.

Yeah. That's Luka's secret. Absolutely, dude. He's just fucking slamming six. He's so awesome because he is like, he does have, it's crazy to even say that he is his talent or he has like the game of LeBron James, but he just will never take care of his body the way LeBron did. Like if Luka was in the gym, dude, this guy would already be. Already. I mean, yeah, that's that picture of him drinking a beer, but that's in the playoffs. Yeah.

But he was playing the Warriors and he was drinking a beer. It was awesome. He's a monster. My favorite Eastern European story, I was in Peru with my friends right after college graduation and we're with two Polish dudes and we had to climb this mountain for a hike and it's not that high but it's enough where we're getting winded. These two Polish dudes just blazed past us and they're smoking cigarettes the whole time.

And one's like a portly guy. The other one's like a rail thing. I'm like, how the fuck? Pinky in the brain just flying. It's awesome. Yeah. I don't know. It's truly the cigarettes. And like some of those motherfuckers will live forever. Yeah. It's awesome. Um,

Hate and cigarettes keep you alive. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hating other whites. Yeah, racism towards other whites and cigarettes. That's the fountain of youth. But, yeah, the thing we were talking about before we went on these hella tangents here was that, yeah, there's a bunch of people that changed their name. There's two generations of Greeks where you have the Ellis Island Greeks where they wanted to assimilate. We're talking like...

40s, 50s, that kind of thing. And they changed their name from like, you know, Papadopoulos to Pappas. Or like, I knew someone who was like, Zizisopoulos that went to Zizis or something. Like, they would shorten it or, and even like, one of our friends, his name was like, his grandfather's name was like,

Some long-ass name, and they just gave him the name Birch. Like, it just didn't... It was nothing like his name. And, like, we have a friend who... His grandfather came to America in the 50s, met... Forgot Greek. Like, he has, like, relatives that moved to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and they just became, like, fucking white people. White Americans, right. Within a generation. It wasn't even like that. This guy forgot Greek, met...

The lady who he married, who was fresh off the boat Greek, didn't know English, relearned Greek with a fucking Greek with an American accent. Wow. And it's like, it's this insane thing within the span of one guy. The power of pussy, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, she must have honestly sucked pretty good dick. She had that vibe. I don't think you were as a very old lady, but she was up to something back in the day. I'm sorry, sorry, friend. My apologies. Nah, nah, I mean, we won't get into it, but I have, there are some funny stories where it feels like she did,

Give up some pussy back in the day. I bet there are like super successful businessmen who are Greek, but just don't claim Greek because you can hide it. Yeah, that's the thing that's so interesting is that like for better or worse, right? There's obviously some negatives to not being able to hide your, you know, your ethnic identity, like racism, you know, profiling, all this kind of shit. But that is something I think about all the time where it's like,

Like, you have... It would be so easy for an ethnically white, like...

like, not minority exactly, but, you know, an ethnic white population, within a generation or two, if you don't, like, teach your kid Greek, if you don't, like, send him to Greece to, like, he could just be a fucking honky-ass motherfucker. Just a regular-ass white person. If you grew up in Alabama, like, you would be Stavros Hiokas speaking. I'd be Steve Halk. I would straight up be Steve Halk. Or not, and I literally am scared of that, like, because being Greek, it's like, whatever, I have...

I don't know how you feel. Like, you're... I mean, I feel like most immigrants have a complicated relationship with their parents one way or another. But I still... And, like, there was definitely a part of me when I was, like, going through my rebellious shit in my early 20s where I was like, fuck this. I don't want anything to do with this bullshit. Like, yeah, I'm Greek, whatever. I don't care. And going to Greece was always this fucking thing where I was like...

I'd have to see my fucking relatives. And they were fucking annoying. And they would, you know, they would just tell me I'm too fucking fat. And they would be like, you know. Tomatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've told this story so many times with my aunt. The last time I went to Greece, the first thing she says to me is, you want meatballs, you fat homo? That was like that stuff.

That's like word one. And look, my family's a piece of shit, whatever. But anyway, I had this... I had this... Sounds awesome. Yeah, they're fun. When you accept them for what they are, they're awesome. But when you're like a little ass kid and you're like, wow, this is...

And my dad would talk it up. He'd be like... He would always guilt you. I don't know, like... I don't know if Indians, like, don't want to go to India the way Greeks... So the thing I was saying earlier is there's two generations. There's the Ellis Island assimilate. And my family came here in 1984. Okay. You know what I mean? 82. Like, there were... Jerry curls existed when my family immigrated. You know what I mean? So they...

They didn't want to be here. My dad didn't want to be here. He didn't have any of that like, wow, America, the greatest country in the world. It was more like my mom's parents were here and they were like, all right, well, we'll go save up money. We'll work in America for a couple of years and we'll move back to Greece. And then they just got stuck here. So there's this perpetual like the 80s Greek immigrants. They weren't fleeing Greece.

Greece wasn't that bad. It was just maybe a little better, or you had relatives that were like, come... And a lot of them kind of felt like they got trapped here. They never assimilated. My dad, we had fucking satellite Greek TV. That's interesting. All his friends, he goes to a coffee shop. They all speak Greek. He could not... He still speaks better Greek without question and uses it way more than he does English. So it's this weird thing where...

If you're going to rebel against, if you don't like your family, it kind of pushes you into like mainstream American culture. Yeah. Like I have friends who just don't like their families and they don't want to be Greek as a result. Did you, so I grew up surrounded by Indian people. Right. Like there's all this narrative in American culture now that it's like.

All the Indians only grew up around one Indian person. Like, that's why there's always like this woe is me kind of Indian shit. Right. At least with some people I know. Whereas with me, it's like I grew up surrounded by Indian people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my rebellion came from not wanting to be Indian, but not wanting to be Indian like everyone else was Indian. Right, right, right. So I would do my own shit. And like, I didn't, that like held me back in terms of,

uh being fully immersed in indian culture but i still have bits and pieces of it i'm like oh this shit was dope i used to go to this thing called gerb all the time i wanted to ask you about i watched the special i wanted to ask you about gerbo gerbo is like the greatest like the most formative and i wish my regret is i didn't embrace it enough yeah yeah because it was such a uh

a phenomenon. And I, I'm sure it still happens. Like Garbo is still a thing that happens and I'm sure it's as impactful for teenagers living through it now that, that it was for me, but it was Friday, Saturdays in September and October at the high school, like everyone from town, everyone from like the surrounding towns, all the teenagers will come and we would, uh,

It's to celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Yeah, it's like a religious... It has its roots as like a religious almost festival type of thing. And you guys did a version of it in a Jersey high school. Yes, auditorium, massive. And we would be hundreds of people dancing. Which, by the way, Gerba does sound like what a racist person thinks an Indian party is named. Oh, y'all gonna go to a Gerba? A bunch of gingers at Gerba. Yeah.

That's what it is. You call us. Were y'all eating samosas at the Gerba? Yes. Yes, we were. We're doing it away from you guys. No need to come. Yeah, we're giving you Friday and Saturday off from all the cologne in the movie theater. You get to breathe deeply. God, let us have our fucking dance and sweat. And so it was just the... Damn, that shit must have smelled like cologne and saffron in there. It was...

You know when you're around it? When you're around it, your nose goes blind. To me, it smelled like home. Just hair gel. Wet, curved cologne. You know? Fucking Beto Leaf Pond. That was our...

cornerstone of... It was at the beginning of the school year. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, nice. It's like a real social opportunity. Yeah, all the kids would be like... A bunch of the teenagers, we would go in for the fast dance because it's broken into two dances, into two sections. There's a beginning dance which is kind of slow...

and we go around the circle and it speed up until there's Arty, which is in the middle where you praise God come back. And it's like almost an intermission. You come back and then like, it starts kind of fast. And then Ross is at the end, which we, we,

do a dance with sticks and like find a partner and like hit an all beat and shit and fucking pop but like in the in the lulls teenagers would just be hanging out with other teenagers doing teenage shit you know like hitting on girls getting drunk probably is that the first place you got drunk or i never got drunk there were other people getting drunk people yeah i mean people would take shots and all that kind of stuff i'm sure all the uncles were lit up at some point but like a lot of us it would be more for us to just socialize with

teenage girls and teenage guys and we just hang out and bullshit the entire time and like, oh, what's going on? And it was also like where we would

Flex our newest outfits Yeah You know Be like Oh yeah I went to Macy's today Hell yeah dude You know So this is the We're talking like 2006 probably I was in high school From 2000 to 2004 Okay 2000 to 2004 So yeah What's fashion like What's Indian suburban Teenage fashion Looking like In 2002 I was all over the map bro I was all over Because I hit puberty At a time I hit puberty in 03 I would say 02, 03 And

And when I was first, when I first started dressing, I was, my dad's store, liquor store was in a black neighborhood. Yeah. So he would come home with that fashion influence. Your dad? Yeah. Was your dad wearing throwback jerseys? Perry Ellis. Yeah. That's Perry Eldish over there. I was rocking some Perry Ellis. Yeah.

I was in a very Elvis movie Sergio Toshini Like all that shit I'm a big Sergio head These days I had all I had it Fucking way back Yeah And then Puberty hit And I had an older cousin Or two That would dress Like Banana Republic The crappy shit Yeah That's so funny That's exactly what I was gonna say That's exactly how The fashion was For me Cause it's like I'm a little younger But we're the same Generation pretty much Yeah I graduated in 07 And I grew up in Baltimore So it's like

you know, they're like, my jeans were baggy as fuck. I didn't have any jeans that were not baggy. But when you went to like all the, like the Greek dances and shit, you're like, all right, well I got to dress up a little bit. So it would essentially be like baggy,

baggy ass jeans that should have like a tall, a 3XL tall tee on them, you know? But now I got like this fucking tight black polo and I look like a fucking, I look like a juggalo from like waist down and I look like I'm like about to fail a fucking job interview from the fucking waist up. That was... Getting no pussy, of course. Of course not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I still remember one of my most distinct outfits was, and I recall it because I got like looks and compliments, like weird looks and also like compliments. Oh, that looks cool. It was like an olive green, and this, I would say like 10th or 11th grade, olive green gap polo.

Jankos and Timbs. Like the freshest Timbs you've ever seen. That is so fucking funny. That's such a schizophrenic outfit. It's like none of that shit makes sense at all. None of it at all, but I thought I was so cool. It's like you robbed three different people and took their best piece of clothing. Keeping their fucking jeans. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to go to the Gap and find a polo that matches. Oh, dude, fuck. But it was my cousin who...

was older and was getting girls, I was like, oh, if this is what he's wearing, I gotta be like that. But I also gotta maintain my own sense of style. And I like Tim's. So I'm gonna combine the both. That's so fucking... Yeah, my big look for years was the fucking... It's truly a classic lesbian look of some kind of loud button up. Like short sleeve Hawaiian or graphic...

white tee underneath and just like jorts or like jeans or like cargos or some shit like that. So like Adam Sandler. Yeah, dude. It was like, I thought I was the man with the open Hawaiian with the white shirt underneath, dude. That was my fucking look, dude. You look like you evade Texas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. I had a, like a,

And I also, I wore jeans late in the game because, I don't know, I think just being fat and it was like the buttons would dig into me or something like that. And so I was wearing like dress pants for before I made the switch to baggy jeans. I would be wearing like the pants I wore to church with a Hawaiian shirt over top, dude. It was fucking... I mean, I wish I could. I wish I had more pictures of me in my fucking fly. I have one. Let me see if I can find one. In my freshest...

Eldest, what were you looking like, dude? You were wearing sweaters back in the day. I was like a mix of like just swagless fat white boy. So, you know, you're talking about some gap half zip-ups like through middle school kind of deal. Because you had left Baltimore at this point. We grew up, we were kids together. This is me and my cousins. Oh, hell yeah, dude. At one point. That's awesome. All right.

You got to send that to me. We'll put it in the episode. This was, I think, one of our cousins' weddings. I love it. And we all just wore a different variant of express shirt. A neon green or pink or yellow express shirt. And this is, I want to say, like 9th or 10th grade? Yes.

Nautica bubble. Hell yeah, dude. I had those. I had the Iversons. You know, my cousin and Jankos and Tim. We'll throw those on the episode so people can see. Yeah, I'll send them to you. Yeah, that's fucking awesome, dude. So Gerba's just like this fucking, the party. Everyone's in their freshest fits. We would go to Macy's and pick shit out.

But not take the tags off. And we had this technique where you would take a needle and just make the hole where the tag was just a little bigger. Just big enough to take it out? Take it out. Yeah. Wash. Return. You would wash it? Wow. No, I mean, it smelled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went over what Gerber smells like. Still sweat, bro. Yeah, yeah. Children's.

But we were clever little devils. That's awesome, dude. That's fucking hilarious. So that must have been... Because we had... I mean, I'm jealous that you had it basically every... It was every... Every weekend. Every weekend for September and October? September and October. Like four to six weeks. Approximately. Yeah. Okay. And we wouldn't go every weekend. And then once we got...

Until like our later teen years, when we were 17, 18, we would go to this club called Platinum in New Brunswick. Hell yeah. And that was just like every Friday or Saturday. It was just a giant Indian party. Like an all ages club type of thing? It was 18 plus. Okay, gotcha. And then at some point it became, I think Friday's 18 and Saturday's like 21 or something. But I was...

23 since I was 17. I had my cousin's ID, so it would just be like, I'm going to slide in here. They didn't give a fuck. As long as their asses were covered with something. So we would just be in there drunk, hitting on girls and wilding out. Because we had the Greek festival, which was the big... But it was one night a year, and that was like, you get fucked up there for the first time. We would have... And it's the same exact vibe, basically, where it's like...

uncles, everyone's in there. Old people, people in their 20s, teens, everyone was in there. You would sneak in, you know, you would have your older cousin or like your family friend just like buy you booze when you're fucking 14 and just, you know, getting fucked up. That's the first place I touched breasts in the church. I was touching titties in the church. I think I've told this, I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast, but it was like,

I'm literally... Like, I'm making out with this girl. And, you know, we make out and we're like, should we go somewhere else? Because, you know, this girl was like... She was just randomly there. She's from our high school. And she just happened to show up at the Greek festival. Not Greek. Not Greek. Just a white girl. Like, I swording you her. And...

Thank God, because I was such a pussy. I was never going to make a move when I was 14, 15. Same. It took until I was literally in college and in a relationship for me to be like, all right, I should try and fuck this woman. I needed that level of reassurance that I wouldn't get rejected. But this girl just made the move, and I was like, hell yeah, dude, this rocks. And we went upstairs to go. And so there's all these little nooks and crannies in the church, and there's a church office over there.

You know, I knew where it was. Like, we had Greek school there. Like, it really was a community center. So I knew the layout. And there was like... You sculpted it out. And it's like midnight on a Saturday. So I'm like, no one's in the fucking office. But the door was locked. But there's like a little reception area right there with some chairs. And we start making out. I'm touching a breast for the first time in my life, feeling awesome. And then the door to the office opens. Oh, no. And like...

six or eight old Greek guys in suits. They were counting the money from the festival. They were doing the accounting that night. They just see like a teenager, two teenagers. Well, I got my fat little mitts on a titty for the first time. I'm just like, you know, and they just, and we're just like, we just freeze. But,

But that's the thing, dude. Old Greek men are all for children getting pussy. So they didn't blow up my spot. They just walked by. One guy literally winks at me. And they just keep it moving. Did he hand you any money? Yeah, he should have. He should have embezzled. But I was so fucking drunk. I was literally too drunk. I was also blackout drunk. So I was like fighting back.

Not black guts, I remember, but I was, like, fighting back, like, throwing up the whole time. And, like, my dick straight up was not working. Like, I had whiskey dick as a child. The first time a woman, like, rubbed my penis, it was soft. And I was like, what's going on? I'm like, you know, like, I can't. It was truly a win in a certain way because I touched a breast. But that could have been the best night of my life if I just had a little less alcohol. Yeah.

I feel like whiskey dick always strikes when it's supposed to, though. I can't think of time. I can think of the few times I've had whiskey dick and it's been like glad I had it because I probably should not have had sex with this person. Well, there definitely was the rumor that this girl at 15 had herpes. So, you know, and she did. She did have a pretty wicked cold. I mean, if she's a Greek fest.

She's not Greek. She lived all the way across town, dude. She wasn't like a local. She was looking for some strange... This is like a 30-minute drive. I was like, how the fuck did this happen? And we weren't even close in high school. I knew her, but it wasn't like we're friends or anything. So yeah, you're probably... She was hunting, man. Yeah. She also had a boyfriend, I think. It was that kind of thing where...

I remember, you know, because I'm like, all right, it didn't work, but I'll probably get my dick sucked by this girl tomorrow. You know, when you're 14 and a girl throws any pussy at you, you're like, and this is the MySpace days, so I'm just like, you know, chatting. You know, I'm just like, I did.

It had instant messenger, right? Or it had DMs on MySpace, I think. I never used MySpace. Really? No. Never a MySpace guy? Never a MySpace guy. Just AIM to Facebook. Maybe it was AIM. Maybe we're talking over AIM. AIM Gchat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking like, damn, am I about to be in this bitch's top eight? Yeah.

And I stalk her on MySpace because, again, we weren't even like friends. We just sort of knew each other. And I'm like, we're chatting. And she's like, haha, that was, you know. She's like, oh, I don't remember anything. And I'm like...

Oh yeah. I was like, yeah, I was like, hell, last night was pretty cool. And she's like, yeah, I was so drunk. I don't really remember what happened. And then I had to just be like, what? Don't tell those uncles. Yeah. And then I had to be like, but like, I don't, I think she would. Cause I will go. I'm like, whoa. I was like,

I think she did remember, but she was cheating on her boyfriend. And then I go to her MySpace and it's like pictures of her with some guy. And she's just like, you know, this fucking guy's in her top eight and shit. And then I'd just be like, me neither. I don't remember. I'm sorry that was your first titty experience. There goes the time I almost got, I almost, but anyway, so that was the vibe. It was really demoralizing. I was at my telemarketing job.

You did telemarketing? I was a telemarketer. Me too. Yeah. A company called TMR. TMR. We did research. We would call people and just read surveys. And nine times out of ten, it was fucking... Did that feel weird to be an Indian in America doing telemarketing? How does that... Did they recruit? They were like, look, these guys... It was a lot of Indians in there. It never struck me as odd until just now.

We need ones that sound regular. They're on to us. I was like, wow, I didn't even think about that. You're an Indian guy saying you're Nimesh like an American instead of sounding Indian and being like, you know, I'm Fred. No, it's Nimesh, man. Who is this deep-voiced Nimesh? Yeah, yeah.

Why is that using fake Indian names? Mike, is that you? Yeah, what kind of Jedi mind trick is this? Why are they trying to get us to think a white guy is Indian? Yeah, I did tell them. I did all that shit, man. Hell yeah. So you said it was surveys? It was just surveys, and I hated it. Yeah, oh yeah. It sucked. It was a horrible job. I was like, what the fuck? I'm smart.

Yeah, what am I doing here? I got a fucking 1470 on my SATs. I'm waiting on phone calls for it in the summer. Oh, so that was after high school? No, this was, I think, my junior year. I think my cousin got me a job. That's exactly the time frame I was in. But mine, dude, mine was bad. I mean, I was bad at the job, so thank God I didn't. But I have...

Looking back, the company I worked for fully contributed to the housing crisis. It was a company called American Government Mortgage. Oh, okay. And the whole business model was calling old people...

Oh, no. Letting them think it was the government. Oh, my God. It was the American government calling them. And basically, we never said it was the government, but it's like you say you're an American government mortgage and you say you need to refinance. Like, you make them feel like it's a hassle.

Has to happen. Wow. Are you admitting to a crime right now? No, no, no. I literally, I don't think I closed one single thing once. And it was the kind of thing where it worked on a sliding scale. So like I made like, you know, minimum wage, but it depends if you did one to three, whatever a week you got eight bucks an hour. If you did four to five and it went all the way up to like 15, which this is 2006. So like 15 bucks an hour was like pretty good all the way up to maybe like 20.

And there was one girl, dude, she was, like, kind of hot, but her voice was, like... Like, she could have been a phone sex operator. She was, like, kind of this, like, nerdy black girl, but she just had, like, this sultry, deep, sexy... Like, literally, like, hot voice. And this bitch... Like, every other person she called refinanced. That's fucking crazy. It was insane. And so she was caked up. Yeah. And you would get, like, a... If it went through, like, you would get...

Your pay would get bumped if they just filled out the application. But if it closed, if the loan actually closed, you got like a $500 bonus or something. You only got $500 for jacking someone's mortgage from them? But at the time, you know, it's all kids. It's all like... Or losers. Or like fucking like people on drugs in Baltimore. Like this is still suburb. Like this is like the suburbs of Baltimore. But not the good ones. There's like...

There's real white trash suburbs in Baltimore. So this was like not a fucking good suburb. So you had like fucking neck tattoo guys who were like, just fucking do it. Just it's good for you. We're trying to give you a better mortgage. You know, that kind of shit. This is government. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm from American government mortgage. Oh, is it still around? Oh, they've moved. Go to their Yelp page. Let's see what kind of reviews they have. Better business. Oh, they moved to Canton, huh?

There you go. We were in the fucking... We were in Perry Hall. I don't see a single review for them, though. These are sponsored reviews. Yeah, anyway. Real scam company. My boss was a guy who just, like... He would, like, show his balls to you. Like, it was like he would pull his nuts out. This guy, I don't want to say his name, but he was like... He would talk about, like, going to Ocean City and cheating on his wife. He would be like... With, like, a fucking... And he's a scumbag. He's like, you know, some, like, just...

Did he run the company? He was our boss, but I don't know who ran the company. And there was one guy in an office who was just like... You could tell he used to be some kind of banker, and now he's been reduced. There must have been some scandal. Cocaine problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a hilarious place to work in. Cool.

I never... But it was... I was like... Looking back, I'm like, yeah, fully this company just cheated old people out of their shit. Those are the worst kinds. Yeah. I guess if you're young, you don't know any better. Yeah. Well, I was... My sophomore year, I did vector marketing. Mm-hmm.

You know what that is? That's the... Cutco knives. Yes, Cutco. That's a classic. That was going around big time. I fell for that. Classic pyramid scheme. Yeah, I fell for that hard and fast. I almost did that, yeah. My parents bought a knife set, you know? They're the only people that bought a knife set. Yeah. My mom still uses like wooden shit. No. Those knives are like special occasion. I'm like, what special occasion? Yeah.

It's a $900 knife set back in 2003. And they're not that good. No. No way. My favorite part of selling those knives was I went to my uncle's house, and one of the selling points that they teach you in vector marketing is give him a pair of shoes and cut through his pair of shoes, or cut through his leather belt with these special scissors.

I go to my uncle's house. I do the demonstration. He brings out his kitchen shears, just fucking run down rusty, and he does the same thing. I was like, well, that was demoralizing. Yeah.

My sister did that for like two weeks. And they did the same thing, but they were like, yeah, go to people's homes and show them you can cut a penny with these scissors. And she'd like be there, take her like 10 minutes to like cut all the way through this fucking penny. It's like, okay, I don't know when I'm ever going to need to do that. When am I ever going to cut a penny? Yeah, yeah. That's so fucking funny. And like,

Some of us really bought in. I bought in for about a week because I thought I would get... When you're a teen, you want to make quick money. They know what they're doing. I want to be successful at something. I want to prove that I can do something well. I had a connection at an Indian restaurant. I was like, these Indian people will sit down with me. They'll buy the knives. If I can get a restaurant, it's genius. Go to the restaurant. They're like, these are good knives, but...

They're too expensive for how we use them. We throw these shits around and fucking bang them up. Like, there's no way we need this kind of net. And then, like, two days later, I was like, this is bullshit. And everyone that pulled up that wasn't a manager had, like, their parents' Toyota Camry or whatever. This guy rolled up in a brand-new Infiniti SUV at the time. And he's, like, big-ass suit. And he thought he was hot shit just running a bunch of teenagers. That's so funny. The top of the teenager pyramid. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. One of those big triangular. I still remember big triangular knot tie.

time. Yeah. Such a salesman. Meanwhile, we're on like the second floor above a vacuum shop. Well, he made all his money getting you guys to sell to your parents. Yes. Those were all his knives. Yeah. He gets the, he gets a piece of that fucking trash. Yeah. That's the only people who can fucking make that kind of money are pure sociopaths. He did it. Well, yeah. Good for him, dude.

That's so... That is fucking hilarious, though. All the shit you did as a fucking kid when you just wanted to be... And I'm sure that was, like, always a thing of, like, trying to be successful. I mean, your dad... Like, because you had a big family, right? I have a huge family. They all lived in the same area? Yeah, yeah. Me and my...

My immediate family is four people. My mom, my dad, my sister, and I. But then all my cousins. I have 16 first cousins. Holy shit. So there's so much pressure. And the immigrant shit. You're a first generation. You were born here? I was born here, yeah. But your parents... My parents were not. So we're in the same boat. So that kind of like...

There must have been that drive. And especially when you have all those cousins, all that competition. Yeah. That must have been like a constant. There must have been like a power ranking of the cousins going on constantly. Uh-huh. I mean, still is. Still is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, some of us have done really well. Other ones are doing good. Yeah. But when I was a kid, it was...

Like, I was, quote, unquote, the smart one, right? Like, because I did the best. That's a lot of pressure, though. And I was, like, I mean, I was the tallest, you know? Yeah. 201, baby. I love it, dude. It's, like, it goes back to, like, almost, like, primal shit. Like, almost, like, animalistic. It was, like, he's the biggest one. Yes. He's the best, you know? He's going to be a doctor and save us all. Yeah, a tall doctor. Because those two are correlated. Yep. And I thought...

Either I was incepted into thinking I wanted to be a doctor or I actually did want to be a doctor. And then obviously that didn't work out. NYU dropped that fucking shit real fast. Yeah, so you were pre-med at NYU and then you dropped out. How old are we talking? I didn't drop out of school. I dropped pre-med in...

That's the Indian equivalent of dropping out. Yes, yes. When you drop out of pre-med. I might as well have told my mom, like, I was going to kill myself. Yeah, I'm going to start sucking cocks under the bridge, ma. Like, no! It's the same. You might as well. It's equal to not being a doctor. It was a very loud scream. Like, I've only... Like a straight-up scream. Bro, like...

My cousin tells me, he's an ER doctor, who tells me stories about having heard moms being told their child is dead, you know? And I think it was the equivalent loss. I was like, what the fuck was that? Over the phone, you told her. Over the phone, I told her. Then I had the balls to go home. Yeah.

until you know they were paying my fucking dorm room rent yeah yeah yeah stay there and secure the spot as long as i could dude it was bad but you know that big large family thing like i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world that dynamic was the best like greeks have large families too i have a pretty small like even four greek people like half my family's in greece but we only i only have three cousins total oh shit so my family my parents each had one sibling and

and they didn't have that many kids. - You have a brother or sister? - I have two brothers. - Okay. - I have two brothers. So, you know, it's like a medium size. And we have, there was like an extended family thing of like, you know, my parents moved here, like I said, in the 80s, and there was still a pretty thriving Greek community in Greektown where, like my parents were in a Greek language theater company. Like in the 80s in Baltimore. - That's pretty sick. - There were so many Greek people there that like, you could support that like culturally. So they made a ton of friends.

And they had, like, you know, you had, like, the fake uncles and fake cousins. Why did Greek people migrate to Baltimore? It was just, like, a port city thing, honestly. It was, like, there's a lot of Greeks in fucking New York. Uh-huh.

Not as many in Philly for whatever reason, but like New York, Baltimore. Because Philly's garbage. Yeah, yeah. You get a lot of them. I mean, you get Greeks in a lot of just like travel hubs. Like they just ended up there. But yeah, it's so funny because my grandfather, when he moved to Greece, he had the option to move to New York or when he moved to America from Greece.

He literally just took a job and he was like, my mom's family would just travel. He was a machine worker and he would just get jobs wherever he could. And he had the option, a guy in a coffee shop was like, I have this great job for you. The problem is it's in America. And he just, of course, takes it without even asking my grandmother. That's what we're talking about here. He just goes home and he's like, I'm going to America. I'll send money back. You guys can come in six months.

But the guy gave him two options and he was like, he was like, New York, literally this neighborhood that I'm in right now, Astoria is the Greek neighborhood. You move to New York or you can move to Baltimore. And he knew one guy that lived in Baltimore. That's all it takes, man. And it was like, yeah, I'll go to Baltimore. And it's just like in hindsight, I mean, like in hindsight, I'm glad he didn't because I literally probably wouldn't exist because my mom hated Baltimore so much. She moved back to Greece and...

and met my father in Athens. Like, if she had moved to New York, like, part of me is like, if he had moved to New York, they'd own a house in New York. Like, the house they owned probably would be worth $2 million now, whereas the house they own in Baltimore costs, it's literally worth $130,000 now. Like, Greek town in Baltimore fucking sucks. Right.

The Greek neighborhood here is fucking nice. But then... So you think like, whoa, imagine if I grew up in New York. But that's not what would have happened. What would have happened is my mom would have stayed in New York. She would have fucking... Because she was an artist. She was very artistic. And she would have found... She would have figured it out here. Met some guy. She would have had a much better life. It would have been better for her, but I wouldn't have existed. Never meets my dumbass dad. I'm sorry, man. But...

But it is funny to think about that shit. But yeah, so we just ended up in Baltimore and wherever you have enclaves of Greek people, like they really do, like you do find them sticking together. Although I guess I don't know. Every group is like that, I think. Yeah. I mean, when my parents came here, it was one person moved to Newark because they got a job there and they're like, we're going to live in Newark. And then my grandpa got like punched in the face in the elevator and he was like, all right, guess we're leaving this place. Yeah.

So Italians left Newark, Indians came in, and then you guys left. Yes, that's really what it was. There's a small white flight Indian influx. It was a slow color wheel to black. It was like fucking German, Irish, Italian, Indian, just black people now. Yes, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But any Indian person I talk to, their origin story is...

Oh, there was one other Indian person there and they just called their cousin. It was like, Hey, come here. And then now population exists. It is cool to see that. I mean, like I was just in Houston and it's just like, there's Vietnamese people there. And it's like, just one guy went there by accident and just all his family must have

come. Yes. Same with Minneapolis and the Somalians. All of it is because one cousin. 100%. That's all it takes. It's one cousin, one person who's talkative and is like, hey, you got to come here. And at least Houston makes sense. It's humid. I don't know what Vietnam is like, but it's humid as fuck. It's hot all the time. It's like, oh, that's probably like it. But Somalia is Minneapolis. It's like, what the fuck happened here? Yeah, it's cold.

It's cold as fuck, bro. What are you guys doing? My wife was telling me a story about one of her friends who thought he was applying to a school in Hawaii. Ended up in like Minnesota because there's like two matching names. Wow.

And just stayed in Minnesota. Wow. It's like, this is, I guess, this is wild. That's fucking wild, dude. That's fucking insanity. Spoke very little English. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess I'm going to go to... And he got in. He's like, Mom, I'm going to Hawaii. And it's fucking...

It's cold. Damn, that's fucking brutal. You think you're going to fucking Hawaii? Milwaukee, I think it was. Because there were K's in the name. I'm going to go to fucking Waikiki. And it ends up in fucking Milwaukee. That's like so many stories. I like that. Different stories are just like motherfuckers got lost. And now here we are in Kansas. Yeah. No, I get that shit. Yeah.

But that, so, okay, so you're, that, but that, so you, once you drop out, they're fucking pissed off at you. Yes. But your whole life, you must have thought, like, this is what I want to do. Because it's funny, I had that moment, too, where I was like, I don't want to do this. Do what? Like, just because my, I was never a doctor material, but they thought I was going to be, like, a lawyer. I was the firstborn son, like, that whole immigrant shit. I could see you as a lawyer. Yeah, I could have actually been a lawyer, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had good grades I was the same way I had good grades I was good at school Even though I fucking hated it But I was good at it And And so I had that I obviously I kind of knew I think I really Legitimately knew Probably since I was like Fucking 15 I wanted to do comedy Really? Yeah yeah But in the back of my head Like I It was never a thing that I You know Kind of vocalized But like You know Me and Els We grew up together Like

We were comedy nerds. We were writing sketches and shit. That's awesome. We were riffing. We were just fucking around the whole time. We were trolls.

early on, you know what I mean? Like before it became like, like we were in real life troll. We were IRL trolls where we were just, we, you know, one of our friends had like the, his brother was dumb as shit and we would just troll him constantly. Like, you know, it was just like, we were always trying to do a bit and I loved, you know, I loved comedy, all that stuff. It's interesting because like with people, I mean, at least with India, I want to say specifically to my experience, I don't know how it is for a lot of people, but

notion of entertainment being something that you could do was never relayed to us. Now, I liked entertainment. I was like, oh, this is funny. Cosby Show is hilarious. Sorry. Michael Jackson was our guy. But it never struck us at any point as something that could be a job or something that you could pursue. And maybe it was my lack of curiosity combined with the fact that it was never really cultivated. But

But it was never like, oh, I could pursue this. I never even thought, how did someone get on television? I just thought someone just did television. True, true. Yeah, I guess because we were like, my mom was a very, like she was a really talented like visual art. Like she was a great drawer. She went to like interior design school trying to get something done.

And she never, you know, this is the thing, you feel bad for your parents because it's like they just had to survive. She didn't get to be an artist. She worked for years repairing Oriental rugs. So it is kind of an artistic thing. Well, we say East Asian. I think with rug, you're good. I think rug is the one thing you can still call Oriental. Everything...

Rugs and a certain flavor of ramen Everything else is like, you know But she literally was So for years she would do that And she was a waitress at a Greek restaurant But she never really got to do that And my dad was like Like, my dad is funny I mean, he's like Me and my dad don't get along But I see so much of what I got from him He breaks balls He's a troll Like I said, they were in this like

Greek language theater company and my dad acted in it and he like, you know, and his side of the family, my cousin, he literally is a fucking like,

Comedy in Greece is behind by like 80 years Like they're in like Vaudeville right now You know So it's like But my cousin works for Truly the most successful Greek comedian In the entire country And he's like He puts on The way it works there is like He literally puts on a sketch show Like the guy comes out He does essentially stand up for 20 minutes Warms up the crowd Fucks with people Your cousin? No no his boss Oh okay But then he writes a bunch of sketches And he has like

You know, like it's almost like SNL where there's like eight people in the cast and this guy makes movies. Like he really is like my cousin's boss is like this, like his name is Marco Seferlis. He's like, he really is like an institution in Greece where he has like, he hosts, he's Greek Steve Harvey. He hosts Family Feud. Really? Yeah. That's so sick. And so my cousin just like, he was a chef and he went, he hated it. He went to acting school at 30 and,

and then went to just an open audition for this. There's literally eight roles in Greece where you can be a working actor, a working comedic actor. He just gets one of them from an open audition, and now that's his career, which I'm so happy for him, but it's like, that's my, you know...

He's my... My aunt is my dad's sister. So that's his nephew that's like his blood nephew, right? Like it runs in the family. Like we have that kind of shit. So... And they always put me in... So they always supported art and they always supported acting. Like I went to like a... You know, we always did school plays. I was always kind of a fucking ham as a little kid. Like they just knew. So there was this thing where it's like, oh, isn't it cute that Stav is like good at acting and he's funny, but...

So they fucked up telling me it was a possibility, but it was like the kind of thing where, but you got to be a fucking lawyer because we moved to America and we have a lot of debt and we need you to make money and erase it. So it was that kind of thing. So it was always kind of there. That's cool. Like it never was. That was never the case. So you never did any kind of like school play? I once thought I was going to dance in a sixth or seventh grade class

like talent show yeah dance yeah dance and sing but that chickened out it was like right when Usher was like first coming out my way I was like oh I'm gonna fucking sing this shit yeah

I want to crush the monster. The dance is awesome. I'm not doing it. I did a backstreet. Me and two of my friends and one of my enemies did a backstreet boys like thing. One of my enemies. By the time we, like, you know, we're like in elementary school. It's like, oh, we want to do backstreet boys. And then the fucking loser in the class goes, I want to do backstreet boys. And we're like, fuck you, pussy. You're not doing it. And then the teacher's like, no, he's got to do it. And we're like, what? We hate him.

And so we did like a, there was literally like a behind this making the band like beef in my third grade Backstreet Boys cover band. I believe I sung Nick's part from Backstreet Boys. Good, good, good. He was the cute one. Yes, the tall, cute one. I was Kevin. Yeah, yeah. For obvious reasons. Old and sad, goatee in third grade. Oh, I guess there was Me, You, I guess Kato was in there too, wasn't he? I don't think it was five. It had to be five, y'all. Me, You, Yeah.

And I think it was, dude. I don't think it was. It may have been or something. No, I think it was. We'll have to go back to the doc. That was the guy who we fucking troll. We'll call him the talk. Yeah. Bleep out his name. And we're all it was the talk. We were using code names for our childhood friends that come up. I had no idea that I wanted to do anything autistic.

Yeah. Until I graduated college. Wow. And like, it wasn't even like, I'm going to be an artist. So what was your first job? Like, so you, you, you drop out of the med program and you finish with what? I was a finance major at NYU, but I was a poor student in finance relative to my peers because it was just something to do. Right. Like I'm at, you know, NYU, one of the best, one of the premier undergrad finance programs in the country. Yeah. Yeah.

Why not also be a finance major? Because I went in at NYU in their College of Arts and Sciences, like their general program. And I was like, I'm going to be a chem major and I'm going to become a doctor. Yeah.

sophomore year my freshman year i fucking crushed at nyu and so i was like let me transfer to their business school now are we getting any head at this point how's it going oh no i mean i mean i had a girlfriend yeah but i was still like infatuated slash in love with my high school girlfriend oh wow and but we had broken up and so i was like oh i got some new trim to have and like my my like second

second or third month at NYU I was like I really thought I was hot shit yeah yeah yeah you know and I was like smart and I was like oh this is the tallest one of your cousins yes of course I was just fly Indian girl in my grade in my freshman class and like I still remember the move I pulled on her I was just like it was raining and we were walking to like the dorms and she was like in my class and I just said you look like you could use an umbrella and I just like we just hit it off and like went to lunch and all that kind of shit but

Like the pussy was like a back burner to getting good grades. Yeah, yeah. Damn, dude. Your parents really did a number on you. Oh, man. So many pussy regrets. The two great Indian battles, getting pussy, being horny, and studying. It's like, which way, Indian man? My junior year, it was pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. But like one, and I was too hung up on it and all that, but...

I love the, like, it's like, study or start Romeo dialing. That's my favorite shit in the world. It's Romeo dial. Dude, it's when just Indian guys, in India, will just pick up the phone, call any number, and if it's a girl, try and fuck them. Like, it's... That's how horny they are on the subcontinent. I can't believe that happens so much. It's a genre of...

of entertainment. That's Romeo. That's so funny. Romeo dialing. Someone sent me a video of that happening on what's that? Ogle? What's that chat roulette type website? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Omegle. Omegle or whatever the fuck it is. And a guy's like, I like your hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awesome. But so you hadn't yet. Freshman year you had...

studying was still winning right right and so i went to get a finance degree junior year got c plus and orgo dropped organic chemistry dropped pre-med entirely yeah and i was like really confused what i was going to do with my life and then then it was like a little too late to commit to like being a full-on finance nerd and i didn't even really know what that meant sure and i wasn't again i

My biggest character flaw myself, I think about it, is my lack of curiosity about certain things. I'll just go do shit. What is this about? But not thinking deeply. You'll do it, but you won't really give a fuck. Finance was one of those things. When I graduated in 2008, I had recruited to two investment banks.

went through the super day process which means you're almost going to get the job but you got to meet with like five people and I went to two of those and I didn't pass those rounds so when I graduated 08 I did not have a banking job meanwhile all my friends were going to go off to like six figure jobs meanwhile I'm like helping collapse the economy some of them lost like one of them I think one of my friends was had a job at Bayer Stearns and like lost it and I just remember him crying like

It was a sad day for a lot of people. Their career's ahead of them, you know? Of course. Finance guys think, like, this doesn't happen to us. We ruin other people's financial lives to get rich. We're the ones who take advantage of them. Fuck. I'm going to go work for American government mortgage. Yeah.

They don't have what it takes. They don't have what it takes to work across from a Wendy's and get fat as shit because you have a Baconator every day after school and before your shifted American government mortgage. I got so fat working there that when I came back from... Yeah, you're right. My...

My football coach was like, you've got too fat. I was on the line. Like imagine getting too fat to play defensive line in high school. Like I really fucking chubbed up. That's fucking hilarious. But yeah, so I graduated no job 2009. I'm like underemployed waking 20 bucks an hour, which I call underemployed because all my friends are making six figures. And, uh,

And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Took some goofy writing class at NYU. And it was like, I don't want this is fucking I'm being sappy around strangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't tell my emotions. Yeah. Yeah. And so drop that. And I was like, OK, you show emotion in your dad's liquor store. You're getting robbed. Yeah. Yeah. You have to be a boss. This gun. It was like and I was in, I think.

of 2009 I was like in a funk I was like my life is shitty I'm living at home my friends are out partying like I can't do anything no cocaine nothing no cocaine with the wolves of wall street yeah the Indian wolves of wall street they were like out doing hookah on like Friday nights and I'm like fuck living with my parents and uh and uh

I was like, what do I like to do? And what am I good at? And I never had any fear of public speaking. Yeah. So let me just get on stage and see. And I wrote like five minutes about Hillary Clinton would have won.

She'd just suck her dick. Classic. Classic 22-year-old comedy. And it didn't go poorly. It was at Stress Factory in New Brunswick. Shout out Vinnie Brand. Oh, of course. Vinnie. Loves to do a half hour before the headliner. He did 20. I think he did 20 before me. Loves to just show up and ruin the show. Him and Rich Voss both did time. Because.

Because there was like so many people there. Yeah. I brought 20 cousins. Yeah. And it was packed. Hilarious. Oh, so you bet. It was a bringer. And they see a crowd and they're like, oh, fuck these kids. And boss went up destroyed. Yeah. Vinnie Brand went up destroyed. And I go up and I'm like cleaning up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was still like fun. Still a rush. Yes. And there's always that when you do that first bringer, everyone you know comes. They're all just, it's such a novelty to see you. So you usually do well. And then it's always that second or third open mic. Eastville, Friday, 6 p.m. August 11th. Just bombing. August 21st. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. Bombed. Yeah, yeah.

I was on my way to fucking Carson or whatever. Let him in. Here I come, baby. You like these jokes about the Jews? Yeah. Oh, me too. I did. Eldest was there. My first open mic at a fish restaurant in college park, Maryland. And I did pretty well. Cause it's all just a bunch of really shit. This is like a low tier open mic in, in the DC scene. So it's like a bunch of like not funny open micers. And I was pretty, you know, I was solid. And, uh,

I was literally like, oh yeah, I'm going to be on SNL by next year. You know what I mean? Like that's, I'm just so, that's what I think is happening. It's so funny that if you could tap into open micro delusion, it's the cleanest. That's the, we could, it's better than nuclear power as a, as a, as a clean energy source. It's kept me, it's kept me.

me going to this day. The delusion never goes away. And it's funny because you're like, what if I'm wrong? Because we meet so many people that are wrong but believe maybe even stronger than us that they should have a comedy career because all they've done is bomb and they're still around 10 years later. It's beautiful. That's insane.

Insane. Some people say insanity. I say keep going. That's beautiful. You got to keep these clubs open. Well, we should we should answer some questions here. We should solve some problems because we do that. You know, it's great to hear your story. We thank you for having me. Of course, dude. And do some plugs here. We like doing between the so they're not buried at the end. If you want people to what do you what do you want people to check out? When is this coming out?

We have so many. We can figure it out, but let us know if you need it to come out at a certain point. April, May-ish. April, May-ish. Well, I got a new special coming out. Okay. I don't know what it's called yet. Okay. I got a working title. Love it.

The working title is Lucky Lefty. It might change. Tell us when it changes. We'll ADR your voice. Yes, yes, yes. It's called... Eldest will say it. It's called...

Please go watch it. Hell yeah. It's on YouTube. Love it. It's my favorite thing I've done. I've been working on it for a year and two weeks now. Hell yeah, dude. And it's unlike anything I've done stand-up-wise. So I'm excited about it. Go check it out. Check out the...

Comedy special. We're going to forget. It's just going to be weird. We never remember anything we say we're going to do next. Go ahead, Eldest. I'll remember. I'll text you about it. Yeah, we'll figure out the schedule. We'll let you know. Do you know when it comes out? As of now, it's going to be April 30th. Okay, so we'll try and time it so that it comes out that weekend. Thank you. That week. All right. Hit us with a fucking question here, Eldy. Hey there. Did it go?

No. Hey there, first time, long time. I guess, well, I've been talking to this girl now every day. I sort of stumbled into it weirdly, corresponding with her about some short fiction and stuff. And I'm not actually that attracted to her, but I think she's into me. But she is like...

offering me a variety of delicious homemade baked goods. And I guess basically the question is, how unethical is it for me to lead this woman on if it means that I'm getting some delicious treats out of it? Like, how far can I do it? Do I just constantly lead her on and just keep going at it and keep being like, oh, wow, yeah, this is so great, and just eating her food? Or do I eventually have to cut this off?

All right, that's it. Thanks. How did Napoleon Dynamite get your phone number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do not have a pussy-getting voice. I thought homemade baked goods was going to be code for something. I think he's just talking about, like, cookies and brownies. No, he's talking about muffins and shit. So this is very interesting. So...

So you've been corresponding. Here's what's going on here that this guy doesn't understand. You think you're not going to end up fucking this woman? What do you have going on? You are being seduced by her, dude. You're like, I don't even really know how I got started talking to her. But whatever. We correspond all the time. Now she's offering me baked goods. Is it unethical? After I eat these muffins, I wake up in her apartment. Yeah.

Any recollection of what's going on. And, you know, I really feel well-rested and relieved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My balls are empty, but I wake up. Everything's the same. My hair's a mess and my nuts are shriveled. They've been sucked dry. And I have fucking blueberry muffin crumbs all over my mouth. So here's what's going on. It's not unethical, but you are...

This is the reverse of this happens all the time where it's like you're being seduced here. You're being courted.

this woman, you don't even want to talk to her, but you keep talking to her. Why is that? And now you're thinking like, is it unethical? You're going to take the baked goods. Yes. Okay. The baked goods are going to be good. You're going to be, you know, if she does, she's doing everything she can to try and suck your weird dick right now is what it feels like to me. This is what I would tell this person. Just replace delicious homemade baked goods with

Actual sex And this would not be a question You would be asking us You're just like Yes I'm I'm gonna keep fucking this woman Yeah yeah yeah Until Until she realizes I want nothing to do with her Yeah yeah

That's very true. Just do that, bro. No, no. The thing is, he's going to end up married to her. Because you don't have shit going on. Clearly, this guy doesn't fuck. He doesn't have a voice that fucks. He does sound like a Nicolas Cage character. He sounds like late period Nicolas Cage playing Napoleon Dynamite. He's been doing a lot of talking this girl.

So look, it's not unethical, but just know with every bite of the cookie, you get closer to fucking this woman. That's what it is. Every, everything, every time you talk to her, every time that like, I have a friend who has a rule. It's like the more time you spend talking to someone, the higher the probability you'll fuck them. Yes. Like that's, that's just how it goes. There's a curve, you know, at some point that falls off like precipitously. For sure. But I think it falls off into no communication. Yeah.

If you keep talking... Like that friend zone curve. Oh, I see. You're here, this is your peak fuck moment. And then after this, all talking is pointless and you're fucked. I think that's fair. But I also think that's mostly the case in the opposite, like with a guy...

trying to pursue a woman. Yes. With a guy, that curve, that can pop back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, depending on where you catch him in his life. And she is doing the thing of just being cool, being nice, laying in the cut, waiting for you to get rejected by some woman at the Ren Fair, I'm guessing. And, you know, you're going to come home all sad, full of turkey leg. I suspect this guy. She's going to suck that dick when you're at your most vulnerable. This guy is, in reality, this is just some guy going to Starbucks. Yeah.

No, that voice is some fucked up. He's got a weird hobby, I guarantee you. He's into like Warhammer. He's into Ren Faire. He's into something that's not so weird, but like just a little off the beaten path. Or like, you know, he's really, he like goes and watches like Kevin Smith movies live with Kevin Smith there. You know what I mean? Like that kind of, some, he's into some kind of like subculture that's just off the mainstream, but not too crazy. That's such a specific reference. Yeah.

Kevin Smith movies live. Yeah, because Kevin Smith will tour those fuckers. I'm a fan. No shots of Kevin Smith. No. We'd love to have him on the pod. But yeah, it's not a matter of ethics here, buddy, because you're not really in control of the situation. You are allowing yourself, you're getting closer and closer to being seduced by this woman. Submit, man. Because already he said, I don't know how I talked to her, and he said, I'm not actually that attracted to her. That, that is going to grow. Yeah.

With every fucking dessert you eat to the point where you're just like, I'm attracted to her enough. And she's going to just she's going to find you in the in the in the right position. So it's your decision. Do you want to do you want how what do you want this to be? And the fact that you haven't made it clear yet, you can if you're really worried about the ethics, you could be like, hey, just so you know, I'm really not. I would prefer this to be a friendship. I'm here for the donuts, bitch. Yeah.

And if she gets that, cool. And if not, whatever. But the fact that you haven't said that, yeah, every donut gets you closer to fucking her. But, you know. I think we solved that guy's problem. We solved this problem big time. Hey, stuff. Long time listener. I mean, for as long as it's been. I have a bit of a conundrum. So, about a few months ago, I met this girl and...

Things were going really, really well, I thought. She was, like, the first girl I've ever really emotionally connected with, you know. And it was about a month and a half in, and she just up and blocked me on everything. No words, no nothing. And it's been about a month since then, and I still just can't get over it. You know, I've, like, been with other girls since, but nothing's quite the same. And I don't know, man. It's just...

Jesus Christ. You are, man. Just fucking...

She's in the trunk.

That's my dog. That's my dog. It's my car and my dog. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I mean... Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth! You know what it does when you block a person? You know what you do to a man when you block him on everything? Rebound, huh?

Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, this man... This guy's fucked, dude.

We've all been there, dude. The thing is, she... This is funny because we've had two guys back-to-back where we've kind of have... Like, the genders are swapped here. Yeah. We have one guy being seduced slowly over time by a nice girl who isn't... He's not that attracted to. And here we have someone who... Like, this is kind of like... Like, this is the tradition. Like, girls are like...

I'm worried he's just using me for sex. And that's what she did. She used that little boy pussy up, dude. She got her fill. She got her fill and she fucking threw you in the trash, brother. You know what's interesting to me is like the time frame of this guy. He started talking to her two months later.

And then a month and a half in, it's done. That's only, you know... Oh, yeah, a couple weeks. You're so right. It's like, all right. It was about a month and a half in, and she just up and blocked me on everything. So this is... So he's... Oh, so basically... So about two months ago, I met this girl, and things were going really well. I thought she was, like, the first girl. So, okay. Okay, so look, man. I don't know what to tell you here. This fucking happens. Yeah. You...

The thing you have to remember, this is my mantra. Don't think about getting sad. Think about getting sucked off like 10 times. That's a great mantra. That's the good part. I still think about that. There's a girl I dated earlier this year. Or at this point, last year. It's been over a year. Feels like yesterday. Yeah, it really does. And I haven't been able, the emotional part of it,

Like he's still fucking me up. I haven't been able to connect to anyone now part of it is like I'm busy So it's like this weird thing where busy getting your dick. Yeah You're kind of like you're kind of like stuck in like ice where you were in that relationship when like you work Because I've been traveling so much. It's not like I can really relate to anyone anyway, right? but I know what it's like to just have somebody that you can't get over but I

Think about the time you got, you know, think about the best head you got from her. You wouldn't have that right now. You wouldn't have that memory if you didn't feel this pain also. It's better to have gotten a head and lost. Yeah, absolutely. Than never have gotten a head at all. And it does, look,

There's nothing here, bro. Any further investigating is going to make you feel worse, right? You don't want this information. Put the cops on your trail. Yeah. Like, I saw, like, I did a little investigating. You're like, what does the fucking other guy look like? What does the next guy look like? And you're fucked either way. If he's hot, you're like, damn, that guy's so much hotter than me. If he's ugly, you're like, wait, what the fuck? This bitch left me for an ugly guy? Like, you're never going to feel good. At least she thought well enough of you to.

Disconnect from you Because she Didn't want any more Anything else to do with you Because she also felt like Oh maybe I have this connection But I gotta go back To my old guy Yes I You're too good for me I gotta quit you cold turkey That's a positive spin on it Or your dick was trash Either way Let her go Yeah

Okay, man. It's not worth it. But it is true. The people that I've had to block are girls that I'm like, I can't. If she's in my life, I'm going to try and fuck her. You know what I mean? It's only going to complicate things. So yeah, I would see that as a positive. And from your perspective, though...

Chalk this up. Keep moving forward. Don't torture yourself. You caught her in a rebound. That kind of sucks because you wanted something more, but we don't get what we want, brother. And she wasn't there with you. So whatever you were feeling, if it's one-sided, you don't fucking want that. You don't want... What, you date and this just happens later on? In certain ways, it's a blessing that this happened two months in or a month and a half in because...

If you date for a year and your feelings only get deeper and deeper and she realizes she wants nothing to do with you, that's an even fucking harder pill to swallow. That's an even, you know, deeper cut. Then you're doing, you know, 25 to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And look, no more researching, okay? No, you're done. You're done. Do not research her.

Do not. Whatever you fucking do, that's only going to fucking hurt more. So move on with your life. You know, go get some other pussy. And here's the other thing. You said this is the first person you deeply emotionally connected to. You couldn't even say that you love her, but, you know, you're on the path to feeling those kinds of feelings. So there's also a silver lining here where it's like, this is a good feeling. You want to feel this again.

You're chasing it the wrong way. It's not in this woman. Like, you got to find it in somebody else. Somebody who... Somebody who, like...

returns those feelings, that's going to feel 10 times better than what you're feeling now. Give it a month or two. Give it some time. Don't beat yourself up. Don't research her. And, you know, and here's the other thing. You're like, I've been with girls since then, but nothing really, nothing. You literally, what if one of those girls loves you, you fucking asshole? You're doing to them what she did to you. They're a rebound for you, motherfucker. So think of it that way. So,

You can almost empathize with her because those girls you don't want anything to do with. What if there was some guy? It's all a cycle where everyone's chasing something else and there's other people getting hurt in the meantime. So don't, you know, just fucking go about your life. Look for something else. Look for something serious. Look for those return feelings.

But you just got to chalk it up to taking the L. Yeah, take the L, man. Take the L. The path to a W is littered with Ls. That's another motto of this show. The more losses you take, the closer you are to a win. I like the other one better. Yeah, they're both pretty good. Yeah, they're both pretty good. Hit us with another one, Big LD. Hold on, stop. I got to cut out in like five minutes. We do one more? Yeah, let's do one more. Let's do one more. I got to...

I got a call about Gerber. I'm not lying. That's awesome. Great podcast, dude. I love the show. Anyways, question here. I still have a folder of nudes that girls from my past sent me. Come on, man. And I cannot, dude, I cannot delete it. Yes, you can. I have a new girl right now.

You have a new girlfriend? In love with her? This guy stinks. Don't call me with shit like this, man. Pause it for a second. Do you hear his voice? I cannot.

You know what you're doing is fucked up. The sad thing is, it feels like he has a physical folder of all the movies. I can't fucking do it. Yeah, he has pictures he took through their window with a long lens, with a fucking paparazzi lens. Play the rest of it, Elders. I've had flings with scents, and every time I open this, and if I ever bust to it, dude, I feel this obvious guilt.

Yes! Well, he's correct about feeling those things. Yes. Yes, you can. Okay. Delete it. No!

How about this? It's fucking crazy. Give us... Pause this, we're done with this fucking guy. His voice is just... Like, this is... He's not a pedophile, but this is how a pedophile would sound talking about child pornography. You sound like a pedophile talking about deleting his child pornography, dude. Give us your girlfriend's phone number and we'll tell her that it's on your phone. Yeah, dude, okay. Truly...

You can't do this kind of shit, man. This is fucked. Truly, maybe you need to hear it from a fucking other person. This is fucked up. Now, I don't know these girls. We don't know them. But, like, do you think they're okay with this, bro? Like, no. The answer's no. You break up. You don't get to fuck them still. Now, look, whatever's in your head's in your head. Spank?

They can't take that from you. Spend one day putting it all in the spank bank for real and then fucking burn that shit. It's got to go, brother. It's got to fucking go. Especially if these people don't like it. It's just like a weird...

Invasion of somebody's privacy if they don't want if they're if they're not fucking with you now Look if some of these girls don't get and some of them might not give fuck I don't know but you're so much better safe Yeah, you're so much better safe than sorry on this and it's just like you know it hear how disgusting your voice is when you say I cannot do it you can't do Whatever's in your heads in your head. That's fair and look there's nothing wrong with a little memory memory beat if you don't delete the photos

You're going to lose the real life version of nudity that you have right now. Like your girlfriend will find them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just someone will. And it'll be like, who the fuck? Why are there all these different girls? Like, what is this? And the other thing is,

As a fucking human being, you're kind of getting off on the weird shame and how you know it's wrong, how it's like... This is low-level sexual assault, what you're doing. And the fact that you don't want to start going down that path, bro. You're beating off the shit that someone didn't really consent to you or consented in the past. You're kind of... You're dipping your toes in some fucked up waters. That's an adult-ass response. That if you fucking can't...

Cannonball into those someday. You might, you know, you sound like a pedophile now. You might be a pedophile later. Or maybe not pedophile, but just something fucked up. Like, what's in your voice? Play, you know what? Just listen to this voicemail again that you left us and try to not be disgusted. Yes.

This is a fucked up thing. It's left a poor taste in all of our mouths. This is such a bad way to end this episode. We might have to do a question after Nimesh leaves because this guy can't be the last guy. Let's do a quick palate cleanse. Yeah, quick palate cleanse, Ellis. Here we go. The eldest special. We always like to put eldest on the spot, see if he does a good last one or not. I'll get us with a simple yes or no. Okay, that's perfect for this.

a little long for yes or no but uh hey stuff it's um dimitri my i personally see you as kind of my spirit animal because i'm also a chubby greek kid um at my heart and the thing is i've been kind of on the bigger side for i'm sorry that was

Fucking dumbass. Fuck Dimitri, I guess. All right, we'll do the quick yes or no. Nimesh, you leave. Me and you will finish Dimitri's question, Eldis. We can't leave our fat little Greek boy hanging like that. Sorry, fat Greek man. Goddamn, you're... Eldis, the fucking super producer. What are you fucking... How are you going to find the... Okay. Yes.

This is the one. All right. All right. And it's 30 seconds. Perfect. Once it loads. Okay. Hey, Stobby baby. This is Jeff from New York. I'm hoping you can clear something up for me on the Greek end of things. Sure. Growing up out here on Long Island, there's a lot of Greek fishermen around. Okay. And we have a little stereotype. I might call it a stereotype around here. That Greek people like to poop on the beach.

Not only okay, no

I know. I was wondering. But, I mean, like, I do remember being on a... I remember, in fact, a kid shitting... I was in Greece, and a child, like, let a log go in the fucking ocean, and it cleared out the beach. So not only do we not shit, but we are just as terrified of ocean shit as everyone else. It was fucking disgusting. How did... Poop on the beach? What the fuck? Now, look...

Can I be honest with you? Guys, it's my people. This is just what we do. Honestly, digging a hole and shitting in the beach, if you have to shit, doesn't sound so bad if you're in a secluded area. But then you still got a fucking shitty asshole. It seems like too much. I'm going to just say no, Jeff. I don't know where you heard this.

I mean, Long Island is the most Republican part of the greater New York area. He isn't Greek. No, no, no. He heard this about Greek fishermen. Now, I don't know what kind of fucking mongrel Greeks moved to Long Island. So maybe there's an offshoot that's out there shitting on the beach disrespecting Long Island. Well, maybe that's just something they told you to keep your disgusting ass away from the beach. Yeah.

And it's an all-Greek beach. Oh, that's true. It's pristine. That's a great... You don't want to go there. We're shitting the beach. Yeah, we're shitting everywhere. We're fucking sucking each other. There's a bunch of gay shit happening. Yeah, don't go, man. You want nothing. You want nothing to do about it, Long Island. We're disrespecting the police, having gay sex. You know, shit the Long Island people hate. Saying Trump's bad, all that kind of stuff. Stay away. We're shitting in there. This is a great beach. But that... So...

That's your answer, Jeff. And Nimesh, thank you, my friend. Thanks for coming. Thank you, brother. Appreciate you. Great episode. Thank you. We will. We'll we'll we'll send the mesh on his way and then we'll come back and answer Demetrius question. But go watch the special Lucky Lefty or whatever the fuck it's called. It's probably out this week. We're going to we're going to try and time it so that it comes out this week. Please, man. And yeah. Thank you, brother. Thank you, man. Appreciate you. See you next time. I got this pitch. That's awesome.

Oh, Gerber's a great idea for a movie. Yeah. All Spice Boys. You got it locked up. It's already done. Yeah, dude. Okay, we're back. Nimesh had to go. He's got a fucking call. He's making a...

He's going to start a new Gerba. He's going to start his own Indian underage club in Patterson, New Jersey. But we're back, folks. Me and Eldis are going to thug it out. We're going to talk to our boy, Dimitri, and we might take another one. Just fucking let our nuts hang. We want to provide the entertainment for our beautiful people. So we don't want to leave Dimitri hanging. We don't want to leave you guys hanging. So hit us with Dimitri's question, Eldis. Let's hear it from the top.

Hey, Stuv. It's Dimitri. I personally see you as kind of my spirit animal because I'm also a chubby Greek kid. Love it. At my heart. And the thing is, I've been kind of on the bigger side for a while now. I'm up to... I've been up to like 300, but I'm down to like 285 right now. Nice. And my issue is I'm trying really... I'm really...

putting a lot of thought into giving more of a shit about my health and eating better and working out more and whatnot. But whenever I actually get hungry, all I ever want to eat is baconators and canes and fried chicken and other garbage. And you've been on this weight loss journey. I know at your core, you're a fat boy. So you understand me. Is there anything, any sort of advice you'd give me?

To prevent me from consistently, like, making a smart choice and eating a salad and then getting too hungry and getting five guys done doing all my progress. Thanks, Dov. Appreciate you. Whenever you're coming out to Denver, I'll see you. Peace. My man, Lil Dimitri. Dude, I get it. I get it. This is tough. But you sound like you're pretty young. I think it's smart to do it. I think it's smart to do it now. One regret I have is that I...

In my life, I have taken fitness really seriously at points. I've lost weight. I yo-yoed my whole life. So there was a point in college where I lost a ton of weight. I was like, you know,

like 220 which I was at like 300 and I dropped like 80 pounds I was feeling awesome I was working out all the time uh that was actually the first me my brother worked out for the first time he helped me when he was still in college getting his uh getting his like degree he was just a little meathead but he would help me work we would go to planet fitness we spent a summer from college like really working out and then I just got a girlfriend and I immediately got fat again it was like well I'm

this is the reason I'm didn't want to get fat. It was to get pussy. Uh, and then again, I did the same. I've done it multiple times in my life. Uh, I was losing some weight and then I fucked my foot up, gained weight and started, you know, wasn't as active when on the road immediately. Uh, the road is fucked up for me. I was, you know, it's, that's been my downfall many times. Same thing happened during the pandemic. I lost 60 pounds during the pandemic. I gained it all back on the road. And then some, um,

And so, but I will say that I feel the best, the best, the most happy I've ever been in my life are the moments where I have given myself time to work out, to focus on myself, to prioritize my sleep, to prioritize my eating. And, and, you know, I'm a little creative. I work kind of hard, but I don't work, you know, it's not the level of like insane, you know, the insane, you

like effort that I put into, that I put into work. I put that all into my, I've put that all into my weight loss and I've been really happy. I've said, I've said like my favorite, if I could do anything right now, what I would do is fucking work out, cook my meals, watch movies, get high, work right for like an hour or two, or maybe like on days we have to podcast, podcast. And then just chill out, see my friends, not do standup,

Um, so what I would say to you, first and foremost, is you're young, you have the time now, take advantage of that. Take advantage of really, it's got, cause you have a lifelong, you have lifelong habits of being fat as shit in your heart. You know, for a variety of reasons, you go to, you get comforted by, you know, canes or baconators or whatever the fuck you're talking about, five guys. So it's not going to be easy to break that habit.

And what I would tell you is, since you're a young guy, since you probably don't have that many responsibilities, like, really, really focus. Give yourself the time. And if you do have responsibilities, like, it might even be worth taking a vacation to spend two weeks only focused on your eating. Only, like, you can do whatever the fuck else you want, but...

A day is look at it as your day is a success if you stay underneath, you know, these calories or whatever. I think counting calories is actually pretty good when you are starting here because you can kind of make versions of the meal that you like, like.

If you like cheeseburgers and shit, you can make a nice turkey burger. You can make a fuck, you can use lean beef. And as long as you measure it out and you stay under your calories, you can do a version of the meals you like. And it's not that hard. It's just time consuming, right? And since you're a young guy, I would say figure that out. Find the stuff that you like.

Lean beef and potatoes and a fucking two slices of bread and like fat free cheese. That's not that much. That is not that that many calories. That's not that unhealthy for you. And being a big fat piece of shit like you and me, we have pretty high calories and we can lose weight. Like you could be you probably like twenty five hundred, almost three thousand calories a day.

And you get started and you get used to it and you find the meals that work for you. And then you just kind of slowly, you get more comfortable with it. The reality here is though, buddy, it's going to be hard work, right? There's no cutting corners here. And that's the most frustrating part about losing weight is you know what it is. You know what you got to do. You got to eat less and you got to fucking move around a little bit more. But it does take some mental work.

effort to eat less. So I would say really focus on it, try and establish that habit for like a month if possible, and then slowly fold in other parts of your life. One of my biggest regrets is that, I mean, it's not a big regret because

I went back on the road on the pandemic hard and it's helped my career a lot. And I think in the future it will set me up for success. But there was a point after the pandemic where I, you know, I was 60 pounds lighter and I was really almost felt like I had burned in those habits for life.

And I just didn't do that. I got too complacent and I liked getting fucked up too much and I liked eating like shit on the road. And so that's all I would tell you is now that you're young, really focus on it. You probably have a shitty job or maybe you don't have a job at all. If you don't have a job, it's even better. Like, honestly, fuck.

Take a lighter course load if you're in college and like focus on losing weight, focus on that stuff. But just work at it, brother. And I think finding, making versions of the meals you like really helped me

When I did lose a lot of weight, like I was grilling every fucking day and my my meals were pretty fucking delicious, too. It sounds it sounds like he's like getting fast food a lot. I mean, a huge part of like losing weight is just like being comfortable cooking your own shit, getting in the kitchen and like.

you know, there's like, he mentions like salads. I feel like there's this huge, like miscon, like a salad, a salad should be fucking huge, especially if you're 300 pounds and you need to be realistic about like what you're putting in it that actually keep you full. And exactly. It's like, there's so much shit you could put in a salad. It doesn't need to be like lettuce and some shitty, like dressing you get at the market. Like you can put like,

Walnuts in there Some cheese Some avocado Some cheese Yeah Some sausage Like yeah There's ways to go about it And that is That's a good point Cooking for yourself Is such a fucking Little win Cause like Even healthier restaurants Like when we go out On the road And we have breakfast It's not unhealthy But it's like This breakfast You know This diner Is still putting More butter in it Than we would put In anything And like

You can make a really satisfying breakfast at home that's sausage, potatoes, eggs, bread. And it's like a 500 calorie thing where if you got the same thing in a diner, even eating healthy, it's probably like

Twice the calories. Yeah, so you just got to figure out cooking for yourself is the first step and since you're a young guy I think that is gonna be a big step So take a little time learn to cook your own stuff Get build the habit of the diet because the diet is what does it all and believe me? I know it's hard. I'm struggling with it myself I have a really hard time when I'm super busy keeping up with it And I really do have to personally have to dedicate a lot of time to it. So I

we're rooting for you little guy let us know how it goes feel free to call in i just want to say too like there's also like he it does sound like he's getting fast food a lot like like force yourself to think about what you're ordering at a fast food place like if you get a baconator like throw one of the buns away do you really need it is that what's good for it or go to chick-fil-a and get the grilled chicken sandwich you get two fucking patties of grilled meat yeah and

Don't do a mayonnaise-based sauce. Yeah, if you're going to Cane's, get like three-piece chicken tenders. Like you don't need the fries and the five-piece and the soda and shit. And, you know, once you start like thinking like that, it's like, wow, that's like a lot of work. And it's like, well, do I even need chicken tenders? Maybe I should just eat something else to like hold me over until like it's dinner time or something. But in my experience, it helps to have something strict at first. For sure. That is hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is hard to stick to. And then you just have to make –

Your whole goal in your life to stick to that. And that helps your habits and that informs the way you think of stuff. But the good news is the younger you do it, the better off you are. So we're rooting for you, little guy. Let's do one more here, Eldis. Fucking idiot. Oh, fuck. I need to make a smoothie after this, folks. Little fucking spinach smoothie. Drink my veggies.

You don't say coming at us that fucking hot.

All right, go ahead. You made a mistake because inherently I don't respect you now. I play the first call correctly, you fucking Albanian idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love you guys. I'll make it quick. I used to do comedy 10 plus years ago. Went through a divorce, sucked ass, and then I stopped doing comedy. A divorce? Don't put Mike there. I was okay at it, or maybe not. I don't fucking know. Maybe I was shit, but I loved doing it.

I've given up any idea of doing it as a job. Yeah. You've talked a lot about how much it fucking sucks. I get that. But like, I feel like I want to do it again. At least give it a try as a hobby or should I just forget it? And if I do, how do I get back in?

I don't know. I look forward to your advice. Thanks, Todd. Thanks, Elvis. And thanks, whoever is the guest, who I don't know who it is, but I'm sure you're very funny. Thanks a lot. Okay. Yeah, this makes so much sense. I was doing comedy. I got divorced, and I stopped doing comedy.

I wonder why you got divorced. Sorry, honey. I forgot it was your father's retirement party. I was doing a show in front of four people and bombing. Okay, look, bud. Yes, comedy does suck. But most of life sucks, too. Let's also be honest. It's hard to make a living at this if you pour everything into it. But...

I always thought, like, this is my plan when I moved to New York was give it a go for, you know, five years, whatever, until I'm 30. I moved when I was 26. I was like, if by 30 I don't have some traction, I'll probably move back home or move, you know, probably Baltimore, D.C., who knows. But I don't think I would ever stop doing comedy. Like, I, there is something that you just...

I just do love performing. Like, it has become my job so much that it's zapped a little bit of that out of it. I will admit that, like, sometimes these shows, I take it for granted. These are awesome shows. We're going to fucking theaters and shit. And it's taken a little bit of the pure...

Just like enjoyment out of it when you just have to do it constantly even when you don't want to and that's there's been being a pro and When you make something your job and when it's just like your hobby and something you like but I guarantee I was much happier as a person when I was just doing I was going to open mics I was there was a great scene in DC shout out to the big hunt. It's now gone I became a much better comic in that room and

And other open mics in the D.C. area. Sean Joyce just opened up another club called... Fuck, what's it called? Hotbed in D.C. Go check that shit out. But same guy who ran a lot of the shows that I would go to every week and I would have my friends there. And the reality is...

There is a way to do stand-up comedy, and I think a lot of people would be happier if they did do it kind of like a hobby or semi-professionally, the kind of thing where you just want to get good enough to be an opener at the local good club, and you want to maybe run your own show. Your goals don't have to be touring stand-up comic, get on TV, get on specials. Your goals can be like,

You know, work in the clubs that work in the club in my hometown, write good material, enjoy it for the art of it, enjoy it for, you know, and I'm hesitant to say use it as a social outlet. But as long as something that that like fucking fucks everything up, that kind of takes the beauty out of everything is fun.

competitiveness and is like wanting to succeed and you know make money and all this kind of shit whereas like if you have a good job and you really love comedy and you know you thought you were pretty good at it I don't listen my guess is yeah my guess is we look at some of those tapes it didn't go as good as you thought it did in your head but hey that's just a hunch I don't know for sure

Either way, if you love it, yeah, fuck it, dude. Go do some open mics. Run your own show. In fact, running your own show is nice because you actually can add something to the community. I remember being in Baltimore and every time somebody ran a good show, that created stage time for people. That helped other people become a better comic. And there is something to doing it, making some friends, getting better at it the way you would get the way you fucking play rec basketball or the way, you know, people paint or something like that.

I can tell you if shit wasn't going good for me, that's what I would be doing. I would be in Baltimore. I would have a good monthly or weekly show. I would be doing shows and I would be headlining small rooms and opening for big acts. I can tell you as a touring comedian now, if there's a good comic who just...

Is solid but doesn't want to make this his career or her career and I can use them to open that's kind of cool because like it's expensive to bring fucking openers out and if you you know you have an opportunity to make I made some of my best connections to people when I still lived in Baltimore and I probably would have kept those connections even if I didn't move to New York so.

There's definitely a way to do it, but just be realistic about your goals. Don't be bitter about it. Don't be bitter about the people that didn't make it. You know what I mean? Like, just understand that this is a different way to go about it. And I definitely would be doing that. I would have a real job, and then I would also try and make, like, a couple grand, 15 grand a year just as a little extra income. Yeah. Your local ecosystem needs a good open mic. Absolutely. Start one. Don't try to big time.

time don't big dick than you are don't try to fuck like yeah don't try and fuck 19 year old girls who love comedy just like you they deserve to be able to just do comedy but yeah don't don't big dick people don't you know be a cool guy in your local don't you know don't because you anyway whatever um but yeah there's a way to do it pal and we're rooting for you just take it down don't use the energy used on this call

Okay? That's my advice. That's my most important advice to you. Don't come in so hot. You come in real hot. Everyone's like, who the fuck is this guy? And then you just become meek for the next five minutes. I love that. When you see someone like, what's up, you fucking idiots? Everyone's like, oh, I'm so anyway. My wife fucked my brother and no one in my family speaks to me anymore. Fucking, but she's Chinese. And he's a fucking beep.

Alright, so that's a nice one to end on. Fuck it. Thanks again to our friend Nimesh. Nimesh, however the fuck you say it. Very funny guy.

It was fucking cool to hear about. It's interesting to talk to people of other immigrants and what their shit is like. But go watch a special. Thank you guys for listening. Subscribe to the Patreon, all that good stuff. Come see us on the road. The Fat Rascal Tour Part 2 is out, has been announced by now. So hopefully it's already sold out. I don't fucking know. We're recording this a little bit before it comes out. But we love you and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.