Mike Recine
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There it is! The music, the beautiful music I've missed so much. Hello everybody and welcome to Stavi's World. I got my boy Mike Racine on deck. We're looking nice. He came in in the tracksuit. I said, let's go tracksuit baby. The whole team's tracksuit up except of course super producer Eldis in his L.L. Bean. Looking cute.

Looking real Maine lesbian today. Yesterday he was dressed like, I believe he called himself Albanian Dundee. He was in all khakis. He should dress like a different type of lesbian. Yeah, ooh, every day would be nice. Because there's actually a lot of types of lesbians. That's true. There's a full taxonomy of lesbians. Have you seen, there's a...

There's a guy who like chops wood on TikTok. And he's like, you know, he's just like he grunts and women, you know, women get all aroused over it. Apparently there's a there's an outdoorsy lesbian who chops wood. I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Look. Yeah. Respect to her. Respect. Because, you know, and she did it with a sword, which I like. Here's the problem. I want to know. It's not your fault. I was about to say, yeah, I really want to get into this. You want to start over? Yeah.

No, no, no. We'll just bleep it. It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. I was about to be like, I want to get into this deeper. However, we've been getting... Stabby's World, we're trying to figure it all out here. You know, YouTube, we've been getting something in our tushies by YouTube. They've been doing something to our tushies. They've been graping you. They've been grape. Financially. Grape.

Grape. You think grape works? That's what they do on TikTok. Yes, and it's making me want to unalive myself, as they also say on TikTok. So we're going to try a new thing here on Stavi's World where... They're doing segs in my A dollar sign dollar sign. Yeah, they were doing... YouTube is doing segs in our A dollar sign dollar sign.

We've been having a couple issues with monetization and them saying that our fun uplifting program, where we're trying to help the youth, that they're saying that it is not, it should be, you should have to sign in and prove you're over 18 to watch it. So we're going to try a thing where we don't curse for five minutes every

I can do that because I'm trying to do it at home. Okay, because you have a child. Maybe we'll just get rid of... It'll be funny to do a really abrupt cut. Guys, the cut that Eldest did at first is me and Mike accidentally dropping F-bombs. Not 45 seconds into this new policy. So you're watching this. There's been an abrupt cut. So we're going to give it five minutes where we try not to curse. And then hopefully that tricks...

beautiful overlords. Listen, I don't believe in God, I believe in YouTube. Please, the Google corporation, keep monetizing us. Eldest has to buy more L.L. Bean sweaters. He has to look like a different kind of homosexual woman.

That should be your look. I feel like it already is. It actually fully 100% is. You and some light, not even like the full butch stud, but like a soft butch. Eldest style is soft butch for sure. Next I want to see you do like a Bushwick Pitbull lesbian. Yeah, yeah.

100%. We need a beanie. Do like the man in the relationship and the woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Switch it up. Switch it up. Dress goth. Dress goth when you're the woman. Backwards hat. Bart Simpson t-shirt. Loose clothing. She's the one who's walking the pit bull. She's walking the pit bull. And then her girlfriend is like the more lipstick. Right, right, right. I don't think you can pull off lipstick. You gotta shave.

I don't know. I don't think you have soft enough features. We've covered this. He has the hips for it. Eldest does have a beautiful... I have the shape. He does have a beautiful hourglass figure, and he can put his legs behind his head legitimately. Nice. So, yeah. So, it would really come in handy if you wanted to do some segs in his A dollar sign dollar sign. Yeah.

Do you ever think about if you were a girl, like the type of girl you would be, what you would look like? Because I hope that I would have big ass little titties. Oh, like a nice C. Yeah. Like that is awesome when those surprise you. Yeah. Because listen, I love big naturals. I love big fakies. I like them big. Obviously, I'm on the record. Yeah.

And I like to see them a mile away. Okay. You know, usually, I don't, you know, subtle. They don't have to be subtle is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. However, when they sneak up on you. When they sneak up on you, yeah. When a pair of breasts just pop out. They're little, but they're round as hell. Uh-huh.

Not F. They just kind of sit there. They're very round and they're popped up. And you're like, these are like first round draft pick, number one draft pick breasts. These are LeBron James. What LeBron James is to athletics, these titties are to...

You know what I mean? It's girl next door titties. Girl next door titties. Thank you, Aldous. Thank you. Yeah. And then a wagon, though. And then a big wagon. That's what I would want to be. Honestly? Oh, that's a nice one. Well, you're... Of course. Yeah. That's my mom's body. I think that's what my mom has. It would be funny if we all said what we said, and then we looked back and we picked our mom's body. Yeah.

Because I really did think, when you said that, I really kind of thought like, look, I'm a thick man. Yeah. I have women in my family who are kind of like, you know, big thighs, you know, like that kind of like a thick, you know, like your Gina Carano's without the MMA training. But I think you'd be the opposite of what you are. That's what I like to think. Because right now I have big tits and like a flat ass as a man. Well, yeah.

I like this is Italian philosophy. It's like, if I was a woman, I would be the opposite. I got a little titch and a flat ass. I got a big titch and a big ass. Like, it's just the yin and yang. You're the exact, because there's nothing, if we know anything about gender, it's that a man is the exact opposite of a woman. Opposite of a woman, yeah. And there's two, you could be one or the other. Yes.

There's only two choices. There's only two choices. Don't get us fucking started right now, folks. That shit drives me insane. That shit drives me fucking up a wall. Now let's talk about what kind of girls' bodies we want.

I wonder what I would like do for fun if I was a girl. It's two hours. We're talking about like our hair, the dress, the kinds of dresses. Oh, this is on anthropology. I would wear that. That's more of a mic on brunch look. But there's only two and you can't switch no matter how much you think it would be cool. I'll never be a girl. And no one

No one else will either. It's not fair. I would like to sit. So I think I would be a thick girl. I'll be honest here. I would be absolutely...

if I was a woman with my, with my like proportions. Uh-huh. Because it's so much harder to be like the loud, like you can be a loud, fun, fat lady. Yeah. People like you. Yeah. But the percentage is much smaller. Loud, fun, fat guy is one of the, is one of the best fat people to be. Yeah. And a lot, if you, if you take that, like Rosie O'Donnell. Uh-huh.

Straight Rosie O'Donnell, right? Take the lesbian thing out of it. Yeah, yeah. Straight Rosie O'Donnell. No one treats her like they do John Candy. Right. You know what I mean? Melissa McCarthy is the closest we've gotten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it took how long? We never had a Melissa McCarthy until the 2000s. Yeah. You're telling me there were no fat, fun ladies in the fucking 30s? There were, but they called them fat whales and shit like that. Right. They didn't get any cock. Yeah. A couple very charismatic ones. It's just a harder game. Mm-hmm. And I just...

It's hard enough to just be a fat man. Fat people in society, no one respects. Right. Like on a baseline level. Yeah, yeah. Everyone thinks, I guarantee you if there was a study and you just showed the fat version of someone and someone who lost 30 pounds and you're like, who's smarter? Yeah. 100%. Yeah, yeah. It can be the same person. Jared Logan used to have a joke where he's like, yeah, I'm interviewing for jobs and I'm like a heavier guy and you know that they're just coming in like, this guy's gonna get marinara sauce everywhere. Yeah.

He's going to microwave fragrant leftovers. His Chinese food will stink up the break room. So I would like to think that I'd be a fat, fun lady. But it would just be a harder life. There's not a lot of fat, fun ladies. They're just not respected in society. Yeah, yeah.

Like, it just... Even Rebel Wilson people are like, shut up. Exactly. And then, yeah, she's fucked both ways because it's like, oh, she's like a fat, fun lady, whatever. And then she loses weight and they're like...

Yeah. Look at this. Do you think she's hot? We remember when you were fat, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not going to trick us. How dare you? It's like there's no good way one or the other. But I think I would just be a fat fun girl. I'm sucking dick so much. You know, everyone's getting sucked off by me in high school. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Because the flip side of an incel becomes, to do Italian philosophy here again, a guy who really wants to...

but doesn't get it because he wants a connection with a girl, the flip side would be like, oh, somebody would let me suck their dicks. I'll suck anyone's dick if they're close to me. I would get ran through so fast because I would be looking for the same connection I couldn't get when I was in high school. You know what I mean? You flip that around, I would have gotten ran through. I probably would be great at sucking dick.

I'm good eating pussy, too. Probably. When I feel like I think back to the women who were the best at sucking dick, some of them are a little, yeah. A little on the heavy side. Which is great. I think I married the wrong person, actually. You should have gone plus size. I should have gone plus size, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, I'm going to think, you know, out of my personal experience, I can't really say. I think that's more fatphobic, yeah.

That's a fatphobic stereotype where it's like, oh, the fat bitch loves sucking dick. I do have to say I have had some top-notch head from women of all shapes and sizes here. And in fact, probably the best top of my life was from a very petite woman.

a very petite woman, I must say. So I hate, you know, I love the fat computer, you know, gals, I'm sorry for, Racine went, went to bat for you. He said, you're all real cock sucking slobs. And I said, not all of them. That would be funny to just like, you get it. So like you're dating a very overweight woman and she's like, yeah, I don't do that. And then she's like, she puts a whole corn dog. Yeah. Yeah.

You should take a full popsicle, put it in the back of your throat, let it melt and drink it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you looking at?

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer. Elders, we don't want to skip you in terms of what kind of woman would you be, of course. I know you've given some thought. I think I'd be... I don't know. I feel like I'd just be someone that's kind of frumpy, librarian. Yes, 100%. You would definitely be a frumpy librarian. Probably not that different from what I look like when my hair is long. Yeah, that's the thing. You're...

What we were picking up on earlier, calling you a lesbian, is like you on the gender spectrum are in the bell curve. You're here. You know what I mean? It's like, here's feminine, here's masculine. You're kind of in the, right where the curve goes. Your hips, literally. You chop your cock off.

It's really a shame you're not trans, honestly, because you do have the hips for it. You would have some nice titties on estrogen without question. I remember one time in elementary school, I played Miss Trench Bull. I remember in Matilda. We were in that production together. And I feel like, you know, probably wouldn't be too far from that generation.

but like much more mild-mannered than Ms. Trunchbull. By the way, you crushed Ms. Trunchbull, dude. Nice. I was pissed off because, you know, we were, you know, at the time, I'm like a fucking, I'm a ham. Yeah, they didn't cast you. I think I was, I might have even been the fat kid that ate cake. Oh, yeah.

I think I had a very minor role. Yeah, I was typecast. And I will say, I was young. We were what, in third grade? Yeah, I think it was third grade. So I still hadn't gotten over Hayden. That's a really ambitious drama teacher being like, and Stavros, you're my Matilda. Actually, maybe I was her dad. Maybe it was Danny DeVito. That would have been a good one. But I want...

And I think I was like, wow, that's how you knew Elders crushed it because third grade me, I was hating. I was like, damn, that man, I wish I did that. He fucking crushed it. He really, he was getting the accolades. It was elementary school, right? Elementary school. You did the whole show? I think it was scenes from it, wasn't it? I think it was scenes or some condensed version in like the library.

in front of like 20 people or something but honestly I literally have an image of Eldis doing that that's fun as a kid because like you know you get to like dress as and play a woman it just feels like a little flourish it's also the 90s so different than now someone's parents would probably get mad at that shit I played Allie Hackham in Oklahoma in high school and I definitely wore brown face there's like definitely pictures of me

As an Arab guy with shit brown makeup on my face. It wasn't even subtle. Oh, dude. I know. I mean, in college, people were doing... In college, it got to the point where people were doing realistic skin tones, and that's what they thought was woke. There was a girl who was Bob Marley, just the dumbest stoner you've ever met. She had white dreads, even. And it's like, you're almost there. Don't put...

And she just put on like light black face. And she's like, nah, but it's not black. She's like, this is what his skin was. And it's like, this is still wrong. And she was also like a tan. We didn't know. Yeah, but it's just like, it was just her. It's funny because she thought about it. It wasn't like, like she thought about it and she was like, I should do light brown. Yeah.

She wasn't like, I shouldn't do it. Because at that same party, there was a friend of ours dressed as Lil Wayne, white guy, crushed it. Didn't do it, did the tattoos, did a wig. So it was like we kind of... It kind of like they intersected there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it is, you kind of inherently know that that's wrong, right? It just, I mean, I don't know. I don't know if you do inherently...

What were you thinking when we were throwing on the brown face? I was ordered to do it by the director. The good Nazi. The good Nazi. Yeah, I was just following orders. I just did what Mrs. Cusack told me to do. All right, yeah, you're the boss. And this was where you grew up in Jersey, right? In Jersey, yeah. Jersey, yes. So you were, I'm not familiar with Oklahoma. Eldest, are you?

It's like, yeah, there's a guy who's like a... I'm not going as far as musicals. I feel like you're more in the musical realm than I am. I would probably say I'm closer to musicals than you are. I've dated girls that love musicals. And I do like some gay shit in general. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think what the best...

I was in, we were, that's another one. In elementary school, we, I was, I would do musicals. I, before my voice dropped, I could sing. Oh yeah? Yeah, so I was like this fat little, like with a high ass voice and I could sing. So I did do musicals in elementary school. Yeah. What was the thing we did, the big wheel thing?

What was that clown show? Clowns? I think it was just called Clowns. It was just called Clowns? Yeah. Interesting. I barely remember that shit, but I got a pic of me from that with a little top hat. Shout out. We did have a gay drama teacher who was fun. He crushed it. Yeah. I don't even want to say his name just because... But he was... If you're listening, you're the man, but we don't want to put you on blast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because who knows? He might not be out to his family or... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He might still be... He might still be stuck in 2003. Yeah, but it was funny because...

We just didn't, you know, he was again in second or third grade. And we went to see him, remember? What was he in, like, Peter Pan or something? I don't remember.

- I don't remember. I don't think I even realized he was gay. - We didn't know he was gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We literally, I remember asking my mom about like-- - You're like, "Dad, this guy at my school is awesome." - Yeah, no, literally it was a thing where I was like, "I wonder what Mr." Oh, I almost said it. "I wonder what his wife is like." And my mom laughing and I'm like, "What?" And she's like, "I don't think he has a wife." And I'm like, "Oh, just a puss hound, I guess."

I mean, the man can sing. He can dance. He must be S-ing and F-ing. S-ing and F-ing all the time. This is good. I can do this. I can not curse.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we totally blew it with what kind of fat bitch, what kind of fat cock sucking goblin would we be? We didn't curse. I think we got to titties at around five minutes. Okay, okay. We should be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was a lady, I would put my mouth on so much penis. I would really sound like a doctor. I would be performing a lot of fellatio.

I would be a fellatio demon. On lots of men, yeah. I would be the demon of fellatio. I would be the Greektown slam piece for sure. My vagina would never stop dripping semen.

Uh, fuck. Did you do a lot of, did you do a lot of theater when you were in, were you like all theatrical? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I went to like theater. Yeah. It was like kind of like my thing, you know? Yeah. Did improv, all that stuff. Yeah. I like, uh, and it's fun. Yeah. You know, I remember, I mean, I was the same thing. I went to this program called the school for the twigs program at the Baltimore school for the arts. Yeah. And it was, I was like, this is sick. And there's girls. Yeah. There were girls. There was girls. True. Yeah. Um,

You can like give them a massage maybe. Yeah. If you're not too fat and weird. I was too fat and weird. But if you play your cards right. No, it's true. There were hot girls. Because like all we knew was fucking Greektown. Yeah. Like an eldest moved out. Eldest was a trader. He went to the suburbs in third grade. Okay. But all we knew was East Baltimore. Southeast Baltimore. Is that like more urban? It's just, yeah. It's trash. It was very diverse. Like we did have like...

Like, our school growing up, shout out to John Rura Elementary School. Yeah. It had, like, a bunch of different, like, flags because we had a huge Greek community. We had a ton of... Put your mic a little lower, Mike. Yep. We had a ton... You know, we had a bunch of... We had a big Greek community. We had a bunch of, like, you know, South American immigrants. A lot of... There was, like, a weird... Like, even though there weren't that many... I think there's also the hospital. There was Bayview right there. So there was, like, a lot of, like...

Indian and Chinese kids from like who were first generation like doc because we're there again They were building up Hopkins had just bought our shitty hospital. So they were like building it up I guess before that was just like, you know stupid Greek doctors They were like only smoke a little bit if you have If you have the fluid only smoke a marble or lights no reds when you have a yeah my husband's pretty my house was pretty diverse too, and I think that's why I'm a little racist and

Because, like, if you had to be around teenagers, you know, you form your opinion very quickly. Well, our actually, our shit was, like, not...

Our elementary school was, it was like very diverse, but you know, pretty diverse. But then when we, when, when I went to middle school anyway, and we had, we split off, it was mainly like, it was, it was like, you know, there's like 10% white kids, mostly black kids. And then like, you know, just your, a random smattering of whatever, of whoever else. Yeah.

So it wasn't like as much of a melting pot as like as elementary school was. But it was a melting pot. But everybody was fucking poor and it was like all the gold. Like, dude, I don't know if I've told the story of the pod yet, but one of the in preschool, you know, they match you up with like a.

like a partner, a play partner. And I had this little girl who was like, let's play house. And her idea of playing house was she put a, she put a baby, the baby doll in her dress. And she yelled at me. Cause it took, and she was like sweeping. She's like, he,

You don't do nothing. And I was like, dude, I was this fat little nerd. Like my family wanted to have me so bad. We were like, it was like, I was an in vitro kid first. So I was sheltered, like so sheltered. I had like a Greek accent. I didn't even speak English well when I went to preschool. And I was like so scared of this like little white trash girl. Yeah, white trash girl. So anyway, and I go to Twigs. And that's the thing about Baltimore is like there are –

There are like rich communities that just you don't usually run into. And then there at Twigs, it was like all these like rich girls that were like, I'm going to go to the school for the aughts. You know, they were like, and they were hot as shit. Like we didn't have the one, the one, the one group we didn't have in Greektown was Jews. And that's when I was like, damn, those are these fucking curly haired girls with big titties. I'm like 13, they're 13, they have big ass tits. I'm like, this is fucking cool. And then, and I was like,

I don't know. It was just like, you know, I was okay at acting, whatever. I felt comfortable there in a way maybe I didn't. And I kind of started talking to girls and then... You're probably funny, right? Because I remember like... Funny, yeah, exactly. Exactly. I was funny for sure. When you don't have the outlet, you're funnier. Yeah. And then...

The gayest thing in the world. Ironically. You didn't like really date or anything, right? No, no, no. Because I didn't, but I think I could have. Well, exactly. That's the thing is like what annoys me is that in my head, so I quit the after school program in middle school to play sports because I was like, I don't want to do no gay shit, be it in the theater club because, you know, the guy was gay as hell and you have all this like homophobia when you're just some like. Of course, yeah. Especially back then.

Exactly. It's like kids today don't know. Yeah, they don't know. They don't know the ingratiating, you know, growing up in a low income immigrant community in the late 90s, early 2000s. We were homophobic. What do you want? We've, you know, so I had all this like shit where I'm like, oh, I don't want to do gay shit. Yeah. Let me go instead hang out with just dudes, get no pussy and play soccer or football or whatever the fuck it was. And in hindsight, if I had done the gay thing, I probably would have gotten my dick sucked.

You probably got your dick sucked when you were like 12. Exactly. Instead of having to wait when I was like, instead of having like some girl rub my limp penis because I was too drunk when I was like 17 for the first time. A girl who might have had herpes. Yeah. And the bar is so low. The bar is so low when you're 12 years old for what's funny. Oh, yeah. Because I would just like watch Comedy Central and then like repeat stuff I heard on TV. Oh, my move when I was a hacker.

Everyone starts as a hack whether you know it or not. It's whether you do it when you're 10 or you do it when you're 30. I would, when we had these Greek school or these Greek trips to like, you know, King's Dominion or whatever, like they would take us to a water park or whatever. Or even New York sometimes from Baltimore. I would go and like...

A to Z jokes dot com And I would just read And I would read and I'd be like That's not good enough And I'd be like okay yeah that's good And I literally put a set list together Of jokes I found on the internet One of my big ones was like The classic like

Would you, like, you know... There was a gorilla that needed to be... They needed to have a baby or whatever. Essentially, it boils down to, like, they ask... The joke boils down to, would you have sex with a gorilla for a million dollars? And the guy goes...

all right, but you're going to have to give me a second to get a million dollars. I still remember that one crushing. That one got me to feel a titty on the back of the bus. You know what I mean? Yeah, I had a Rodney Dangerfield cassette tape. And my friend Mark, he was in eighth grade. And so the eighth grader sat in the back of the bus. And he invited me to the back of the bus. He was like, do some stand-up. And I just did like, yeah, my wife wants to...

My wife wants to have sex in the backseat of the car. She wants me to drive. Yeah. Cool. But I was also like, yeah, I was chubby. So I didn't realize that I probably could have, I think there was a girl that I, that sat in front of me at, at play practice. And I would like, I had like me and my friend, Nick had a character. He was like, we were just acted gay. Yeah.

Comedy's so beautiful He would tell people his name Yeah he would be like Hi I'm Twan And I'd be like I'm Renee And we would just do this Like gay Act gay Twan and Renee And you would do this a lot I'm guessing Yeah yeah yeah The wrist is a classic The wrist is a classic Yeah

I think this girl that sat in front of me, I think she did like me. But I don't know. I know. Well, another one that haunts me is that, you know, I went to middle school. And like I said. I think I heard her say, like, I like you one time. Like under a bridge. But I was like, oh, she's not talking to me. Excuse me. I'm in the middle of Tuan and Renee. I'm about to suck Renee's cock.

So why don't you just chill out? Let me get through this. We've been practicing. Can we finish our bit, please? Can we finish our bit where Twan and Renee 69 after going antiquing all morning? Oh, I like this lamp, Renee. Why don't you put it in my ass, Twan? It's like they're really gay.

How do they do it? The cafeteria's rocking. Raucous applause. The earmug just says, class clown. It's you like this. Your shirt rolled up. Yeah, shirt rolled up. Hoop earrings.

Yeah, there was definitely, literally. I think, again, I don't know if I've told the story on this one or Compton or what. See, but that type of comedy is like over now, but that is sort of fun. It's fun, well, yeah. It's like a kid doing that. If my kid did that, I would like laugh. I'd be like, you can't do that outside the house. Good instincts, pal. Good instincts. You know what a bit is. But it's the same way, it's like,

A baby being like, my shirt is orange. You're like, good job, buddy. But if a grown man was like, my shirt is orange, you'd be like, shut up, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's... Like, baby comedy is thinking anything different than you is funny. And gay...

flamboyant is funny so something different and flamboyant is going to be hilarious but it's like the same way it's not impressive yeah if a if a grown man knows what color his shirt is right it's not impressive if he acts gay right you know but if a baby can act gay if like a five-year-old can act gay and crush the voice but there's elements of comedy in that like doing the you know doing the character like exaggerating you know picking something about a

a character and exaggerate parts of it. Yeah. So, so basically what we're saying is you can be homophobic until like you're nine. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. I was like, if you're trying to get into comedy and you're like in your mid twenties, just start acting gay in front of the mirror and just kind of see where that goes. And then maybe you graduate to like Chinese, uh,

A woman. Actually, I remember this old comedy special. There was this Red Skelton was on PBS, and he's like an old-timey comedian. And he does this routine, and he goes, all right, my next routine, I call this woman driving a car. That's awesome. And he just kind of like...

Yeah, he's just like doing his makeup. And he's doing it in a theater in front of like 2,000 people. And that was the bit. That's awesome. Oh, my pussy hurts. Oh, geez. My clam is soaking. Yes!

That's right. Yeah. Well, it is funny. It's interesting to look at how like comedy evolves. Yeah. Because, yeah. Because now it's evolving past us. For sure. There's something else. There's new stuff that's coming that we don't understand. And by the way, I'm not going to find it funny. No.

No. I'm going to be laughing. You don't have to. I'm good. Yeah. You can just check out and by the way don't say it's not funny. Just understand you're old and it doesn't matter. Right. And what you have to say is not interesting anymore. Yeah. If it fucking ever was. Yeah. It is funny to just watch like stand up from the 90s and you're like

This cocksucker got a TV show with 11 seasons off this shit. Off of essentially a woman driving her car. A little updated. But then you look at Gen Z kids on TikTok and they'll be like, yeah, millennials are not funny. Millennials just think that being racist is funny. And you're like, hey, you got kind of a point. You got us there. Yeah, I mean, you know.

You got us there. But make a funny joke also at the same time, which plenty of them do. Yeah. Which is Gen Z. Is Gen Z funny? How old? What's the oldest a Gen Z person can be? I would guess like 25. That's probably some of them. 25, 26. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, who gives a fuck? Fuck them. We're podcasting. We're going to podcast until we die. Yeah. Yeah.

I hope, yeah, I hope thoughts like, what kind of bitch would I be are profitable well into my 50s? Yeah. Because it ain't stopping. Yeah.

I do like when, so you were a chubby kid, were you a chubby kid your whole life? Because that's interesting. Because I know, because you do have a little bit of like, you have a pinch of body dysmorphia. You constantly, you worry about your weight in a way that I'm like, why does he care? He's, you know, you're a handsome guy. You're married. You have a beautiful son. It's like, you should be past chubby.

giving a fuck, but clearly there's something in you that you still worry about, like how your body looks, all that stuff. Were you, I mean, were you bullied because you were like fat and shit like that? Yeah, I think a little bit, but I mean, everybody did.

you did, but it would probably be better. I think it's better to get bullied for that a little bit than to be like, you know, I don't know why. I don't know. Yeah. You're doing pretty. I'm the exception that proves the rule. But, uh, yeah, but I do think I do. I just, I've had tits forever and I don't know what to do about that. Cause I, I've always, my tits have always been bigger, like the most prominent part of my body.

I don't know what to like. I wouldn't say your tits are your most prominent part. But if I take my shirt off, they're always like. This is your body dysmorphia talking right now. Yeah. Were you bullied for your tits specifically? No, but I, you know, my mom had to like. Did you have family members that like pinched your tits? No, but my mom had to write a note and be like, he can't do the scoliosis screening with all the boys take their shirts off because they're going to laugh at his tits.

Do you have a memory of someone specifically laughing at your tits as a boy? No, I just always knew that I had them. And my mom was just being a mom. She was like, that's because you have a hole in your chest. And we're going to get you surgery to fix that. Did you get the surgery? And I just never got the surgery. So you actually have a hole in your chest? No, I don't think I do. I think I just have some fatty deposits there. That's super overweight, but I don't know. They're just pretty...

They're there. They're definitely there. So the idea that you would be a woman with little tits is hilarious because clearly you'd have humongous tits. Yeah. If even as a man. No, but I have big tits for a man.

But that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Because sometimes, because we had a friend who had like straight up breasts. We had a friend growing up with like the ones we were talking about earlier. No, but if I sit up like this, I look like a monkey. Yeah. Like I look like a lady monkey, a mom monkey with like a little baby. Was the rest of your family fat? Did you have fat people in your family? No, my dad's pretty like lean. Oh.

Yeah. And then I guess my brother, my younger brother, the autistic one, he's a little heavy because, you know. Yeah. If you ate nothing but cheese, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had the sickest life of all time, eating snacks, watching your favorite cartoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You brought a couple of LPs. And then if they don't give you your snacks, you get to scream and throw up.

throw a fit and they have to call the cops and you have to hope the cops don't shoot your son. So the best thing to do is just hand the snacks over. Keep them loaded up with shark bites. Yeah. I'll be home. My parents are like, there's potato chips in the car if you want some. Like there's a bear in the fucking house. Yeah, they're in the car.

When they have pizza, the pizza goes in the garage on top of the recycling can. You have to go into the garage and like... I love that he hasn't figured out the pizza system yet. His nose hasn't taken him there. Yeah, he has, but they do their best to like... Sure, sure, sure. Minimize it, minimize it. Interesting. How many brothers do you have? Two. Two. Two.

Oh, shit. I didn't know you had a sister, too. Yeah, she's the youngest. So you have a pretty big family. Yeah. And nobody else was chubby, huh? No, my sister was a little big. My one brother, he was kind of like lean like my dad. He played basketball. Your older brother? Younger brother. Oh, younger. So you're the oldest. I'm the oldest.

But he was kind of like my dad's favorite. Now we're getting to it. You had a fucking lean, sexy, younger brother. A lean, sexy, younger brother who played basketball. Who played basketball, who your dad respected. Your dad clearly didn't fuck with you. Didn't fuck with me. Didn't fuck with me. We're getting to it. Your skinny dad and your skinny brother loved each other. Yeah. And fat Mike with the tits gets left out. Yeah, yeah. Where would you rank yourself? Would you put yourself below your autistic brother in the rankings? I was probably...

Yeah. Because they spend more time with him. He seems probably more... Yeah, and then they like... If he's stacked up, he's fun. Yeah, they liked my sister because she was like the baby. The baby. So you got fucked. I kind of got fucked, yeah. In the Racine family power rankings, you're number four.

I might be number four. Or it's a dead heat with your autistic brother. Well, because the special needs kid, you just kind of get like, you're the oldest, so you kind of just get like, you have to figure it out. So I was like, I was like working when I was 14. And, you know, yeah, I was like, they really left me to kind of fend for myself. And did you have a moment where you broke out of that like chubby nerd thing?

I think maybe when I started. Do you use the resentment towards your family and having tits and not getting pussy to, like, get, like, I feel like Italian children start lifting weights at, like, 15. I did lift weights. Actually, you know, funny story. I actually kind of, like, I kind of sort of believed in Santa until I was 13. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's awesome. Because I had my younger siblings, so I kind of held on to it for them. Right, right, right. But I wasn't sure, and I was kind of— You were on the fence. I was on the fence. Listen, you had your questions about Santa. Yeah, I had my doubts. But you still believed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I asked for weights one year. Hell yeah. And so at like 3 in the morning, I just heard my dad dropping the weights on the floor. And me like, ah, god damn it!

And I was like, all right, there's no, all right, it's not Santa bringing me this weeder bench and squat rack. That's awesome. Did you get shredded off the weights? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I got a little jacked. I would lift in my, but then I neglected comedy a little bit. So I remember, so it's like I was fat and then I was funny and then I started lifting weights. But then what's also nice is you lift weights, your dad stops hitting you. Yeah.

Because my mom stopped hitting me around 12. Right. And then my dad. When you were bigger than her. Yeah. And then my dad. So part of me kind of feels like I still need to kick my dad's ass a little bit, you know? You could take him now, right? Yeah. I need to see his dick and kick his ass. You've never seen your dad's dick? No, I've seen it. But it's much bigger in your head. In my head, it's like the size of a Coke can. Right.

I'll say I saw my dad's penis later in life. Oh, you did? Not recently, but like, you know. Yeah, later in life. When you're a grown man. When I'm a grown man. And it is, unfortunately, he does have a bigger penis than me. He does. And that is tough. He's got a nice piece, but it's not the giant cock that I used to think it was. And that helps a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen your father's penis? Yeah, definitely.

I think his has definitely got to be bigger than mine too, which also makes me pretty upset. Yeah. Damn, dude. Mike, you got to have a bigger dick than your dad for the podcast, dude. You're our only hope. You're our Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. Can you call him and FaceTime him? Well, I do have a bigger dick than my son. That's big. That's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Show him your cock often. Burn that into his fucking brain. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Beat his ass and suck his dick. Yeah. Beat your dad's ass and suck him up. But part of me feels like I need to like bring my dad into the woods, like lure him into the woods and like pull his pants down. Just get a nice look at his dick. Just to know.

And they'd be like, thanks, Dad. And he's like, what the fuck? And they'd get him with one good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You must have gotten it because if he liked your brother, your sister was a girl and the youngest. Your brother's autistic. Special needs. You must have gotten every wallop. He hit my brother, too. With a belt and everything. That's like in a weird way.

in a weird way that's like inclusivity. It's like, hey, we're going to hit the fucking... We're going to hit that one too. Oh, they didn't hit my special needs brother. That would have been funny. It was like, look, he's got to feel normal. Look, I do it to everybody. I want he will go to school and I will hit him and I will not allow him to date a black retard the same way I don't let him date black regular girls.

He's an Italian child through and through. He'll see my penis regularly. He will know I have a bigger penis than him. Yeah. My kid likes to, I can't walk around the house naked because he grabs at my penis, which is very weird. I don't know what that's about.

I don't know what that's about. Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're a baby and it's just something dangling. It doesn't really dangle. I got you. It just kind of sits there. Does he grab your balls? Yeah, he'll, like, grab my dick and, like, he'll get his nail, like, in my pee hole sometimes, you know what I mean? It really hurts. They have little sharp baby nails. I'm like, stop it! Don't ever fucking do that! That's when you hit your kid? Yeah, yeah. And I say to Devin, I'm like, does he grab your pussy like that? Yeah.

She's like, I don't walk with my pussy out.

She's got a point there. She's got you on that one. But I've never seen him grab at her pussy. I think it's more... It might not dangle, but it's out in a way a pussy is more... I don't know what your wife's pussy looks like. I don't know what kind of lips... You don't? I thought everybody did. I thought if you perform at Caroline's, you get to see my wife's pussy. Yeah.

No, no, I came, I think she was gone by the time I was past the Carolines. Okay. So I don't know if we're talking about a lippy, sure, I've seen some lippy pussies that I guess a baby could grab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, she's not. No, no, no, no. So that's what I'm saying. I think it's more of a... Yeah.

But yeah, dude, unfortunately, you're going to have to start wearing underwear until he knows it's weird to grab a dick. And then you pull your dick out again to show him who's boss. But you kind of have to figure out if your kid's gay. People say I don't care, but you got to figure out if he's gay just so you can encourage him to whatever it is. But I don't think him grabbing your dick is how you figure it out. Yeah, I hope not.

You show your kid straight porn and gay porn. You have two TVs and you're like, you see which one he crawls to. Yeah, yeah. It's like a TikTok challenge where they run away. Let's see if my son is gay. Finding out if my son is gay. Oh, and that doesn't get banned. But my videos, yeah.

You're rooting for a gay son, is that correct? Yeah, I mean, if he is, I just want to make sure he's like the best gay guy that he can be, you know? Because now entertainment is like full of, they're all doing very well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you want to make sure that he's like coached the right way. I don't think he is, though. He's into sports. He's a lot. How old is he? He's almost two, yeah. Okay, yeah.

You never know. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I think you could start telling, what, like four...

Some kids are so obviously gay at like three at the earliest, but then others might take up until like 13. Some people don't. Some people it's like so obvious. Yeah. And that is awesome. I love a sassy gay toddler, dude. That's one of the best. Well, because it's funny because you hear these stories about Tiger Woods' dad coaching, but what if you could be that good of a coach for your gay son? And you're just like...

You're just like showing him like real housewives and being like, now what are you, she's kind of a bitch, huh? Like what do you think of this? Is she serving cunt, would you say? Cunt. She's cunty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's Cheugy Daddy. I would love to see a baby. Yeah, that would be great. A baby watching RuPaul. Yeah. Being like, she's fat. Get that fat slob off my TV. Yeah. Yeah, I would love. It would be nice to have some gay children in the family. But, you know, your nieces are too young to know one way or the other.

Yeah, but I doubt. I mean, the older one, definitely. She's like so girly. Yeah, yeah. Clearly very heteronormative or whatever. So far, yeah. And the new baby, I mean. The new baby. The two-week-old. Yeah, yeah. Our friend, Christine, like the baby that's probably I'm closest to

One of our best friends. She was our old roommate in this apartment. She recently had a kid. Okay. So maybe he's gay. Yeah. We'll see. Nice. Yeah. I know you try to like figure it out just because. My little brother wants a gay son. He does. He truly wants like a gay son. He wants like...

He wants to be good at dancing and singing. See, that's what I thought I would have because I was like a theater kid and everything. So like, I'm a theater kid. I podcast. I get on stage and I share my thoughts, you know? And it's like, but he's really into sports. Yeah. So now I have to like get into sports. But that's cool too. I would like a gay son that's good at sports. Then you're really making money. Then you're really making money, yeah.

Because that would be huge. There was a rumor that Aaron Rodgers was gay. He was the Packers quarterback or whatever. Because there was that one guy from the Raiders came out and there was that guy Michael Sam...

who kissed his twink, the black guy who kissed his twink white boyfriend when he got drafted. He didn't really go anywhere, though. He wasn't very good. In and of himself, he's not that good. That twink boyfriend's like the Kardashian of twink boyfriends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. Dude, yeah, yeah. He has the Kardashian curse. But it was awesome to see, like, because you know there were racist homophobe guys that saw a giant black guy kiss a little white guy. Just didn't know what upset them more. Yeah, it's like, what is pissing me off? Which one am I madder at? Yeah.

But if some superstar was gay, that would be sick, dude. I would love that. Because, I mean, I think they did a little bit in 21 Jump Street where it was like they go back to school and the bullies, all the gay guys are bullies now. Like the gay kids are bullies because they're funnier. They're sharper. But I wonder with less oppression. I mean, not that we're going to have less oppression because...

They're trying to roll back shit. No, it does feel pretty different, though. Yeah. They are trying to roll stuff back. It's weird. It's fucking weird. All the transphobia and all the maybe... And then people are like, marriage should be between a man and a woman. It's like, we're back to this again? Back to this, yeah. But in a perfect world, if oppression was disappearing, I wonder if it would affect...

how funny and awesome they are. Because like if you're... Like for example, New York City white rich gay guys are not funny anymore. They're not funny anymore. You know what I mean? They're like... In fact, all they do is like steal...

from funny trans black women or drag queens. They're like, they are hacks. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're squares. But I bet you gay guys in Alabama are hilarious. You know what I mean? Because that's the historically... Art comes from the most... Maybe we're overdoing it here, but I wonder if in a couple generations corny people are just...

Gay guys are just as corny as anyone. But for now, it would be nice to just have some gay, like a gay star quarterback. That would be good. Well, they're going to start sending straight white people to jail, so we'll be like the cool ones. We'll get to be the cool ones again. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's about to be illegal. We'll have a couple funny Republicans because they're all going to fucking jail. You know what I mean? Police are going to start being funny because there's a war on police these days. There's a war on police. Yeah.

Fuck. But yeah, that is nice, man. And having a child, that must be... You truly became a family man over the pandemic in a real way. Yeah. You went in just like, you know, you had a good relationship and then it's like, fuck it, let's get married. Yeah, almost broke up with my... Yeah, with my fiance and then nutted inside of her a few times. Just like...

Just to show how much I love her, you know? And here you are, man. And then here I am, yeah. You fucking got some Fisher-Price. Yeah. You know what I mean? Now you're playing with toys. Yeah. It really does... It's cool. It must... Is there a part where you're like, damn, I guess this is just...

I feel like it must be nice because it's like, well... You're saying getting to re-watch Disney movies? Well, yeah, you get to do kid shit and you get to watch the world through this kid's eyes. But also, is there a part of it that's nice? Because you're like, my real only job is this kid survives and isn't molested. You know what I mean? Those are your two jobs. And everything else is like... Which are both full-time jobs, if you think about it. Yeah.

every single person that comes under his care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know he likes to grab a cock. Yeah. He's already halfway there. Yeah, yeah. Well, my parents would, like, drive up from Jersey to babysit. It's, like, an hour and change, whatever drive. And, like, a couple times I would leave them and he would cry. And I'm like, they're molesting him. Yeah.

you know he's driving by some cameras and everything or maybe your brother's just snatching applesauce out of his little spoon maybe he's just like yeah yeah

Did your parents like immediately Because it seems like you have like You know obviously there's a lot of resentment there Also just from knowing you it's like Some of the ideas we were just talking about The war on cops and marriage You know you guys differ Like politically in many ways But was it Has it been nice in terms of like Once you have a kid Yeah

No, you need your parents so badly to, you know, take care of your kid. And yeah. And my wife's mom is not around, you know, and her dad's kind of a retard. He's like 75 years old and like doesn't get how to be a parent or grandparent really. We're like, we're driving down. I'm like, yeah, I got a show in Baltimore on Friday. So, you know, we'll come visit. And he's like, okay, are you going to come down Thursday or Friday? I'm like,

We have jobs, you fucking moron. What do you think we do? Is he down there? Is he closer to Baltimore? He's in Delaware, yeah. Oh, okay. I got you. So you're just on the way. Yeah. Where are you in Baltimore? Are you already working? Yeah. Some bar show. Do you want to plug your shit? It's at Delia Foley's. Delia Foley's. Yeah. So I'm doing that on February 3rd if you want to come out. That's a good one. That's a fun place. Is it? It's a nice little upstairs. They have a nice separate area for a show. It's a good...

they used to do shows there all the time and then it's so funny how like in a scene shit is cyclical yeah like Baltimore comedy used to be really good and then like people forgot about things and it's like

Ten years later, it's like they uncover this venue. It's like, we should do comedy shows here. I know Boston was kind of shitty for a while, and then Boston got good. Boston's back, yeah. But Boston used to be just angry guys. Yeah, they had their golden age. And then it was just guys pretending to be Bill Burr. You know what I mean? And now it's kind of nice now. Oh, I should have said in the opening. Yeah, we're a little rusty here, folks, too. Me and Ellis, we took a pretty long break.

I'll just went to fucking Cancun. I had to fucking work. It's one of the hardest things to do is podcast every single week. It's difficult, dude. I can't imagine a harder job. There's no harder job. You have to constantly think up things. Stuff to say. Talk about your son grabbing your penis. Right, right, right. I've said that like six times this one, six different podcasts. Every podcast I've done, I'm like, yeah, my son grabs my penis. You got to play this, baby. Here we go. Yeah, yeah.

So, Michael, I understand your son's little nail gets in your urethra sometimes. Your son's sharp little two-year-old nail. Mark, man, what's that about? Your son's grabbing your penis?

We should have said up top. We're a little rusty. We're coming off a long layoff. And by the way, thanks to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. It's fucking awesome. We're getting a nice reception. We love you. Everybody on the Patreon, thank you. That's humming. We got a bonus episode every week. So go check that out if you want to. I should have said call. What's the number? I already forget. 904-800-STOP. Hmm.

I didn't do the intro. We were just chatting. I'm with my fucking boy, Mikey. We know old pals here. Sometimes somebody gets in the studio and the podcasting, it flows like wine, you know? But I should have said 904-800-STOV. Leave us your, we're here to answer your questions, help out your life. We have an Italian father here who's a little bit, probably has just a little piece of autism.

I have a theory that anyone who has a sibling... With autism? Has like a little sprinkling of it. You know what I mean? Like that's my... How I was making fun of you for Italian philosophy, that's Greek science. It's like, oh, there's a little bit of autism inside his mom's pussy that rubbed off. Yeah, I've heard that a lot. I don't know, what do I do? Like I'm 35 years old, do I like go get tested for autism and then what? You're who you are. Because my friend Mike Lawrence recently found out that he had autism. Which...

Was that a surprise to literally anyone? No, no, no. Anyone that has met Mike? No. But now he's like leaning into being autistic more. Like he'll be like, oh, yeah, my shoes don't match. He like put on like non-matching shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was like funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like you're not that autistic. You're not that level. Yeah, yeah. You wore matching shoes your whole life. And now all of a sudden...

He's like a newly out gay guy. Hey, girls. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. They do go a little overboard. It's like, all right, take a couple years. This isn't really who you are. Go suck some cock in a bar bathroom to prove it. And then go wear sequins. And then go back to cardigans in four years. Yeah, yeah. Go listen to Britney Spears. Buy a Miata and listen to Britney Spears or whatever. Yeah. And then go back to your job at the bank. Yeah.

That would be funny. We should get you tested for autism. You should do that on your own podcast. I guess I would do it. I don't know. It's just like, yeah. What is the test, though? I don't know. Whatever Mike did. Yeah. I guess Mike's was like a doctor just looked at him. But see, the problem is then I have to go back to everybody and be like, you're right. You were right. Andy Haynes, you were right when we did that moving job. And I farted in the lady's house.

And you said, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have autism or something? Apparently I do, Andy. Like, I've fought it. I've fought it so hard. I'm just saying it would be good content. I wish I... Yeah, but I hope the test comes back negative. But, dude, you could build it up. It could be this whole arc of does Mike have autism, right? What's your podcast called? The New Podcast? Out for Smokes. Out for Smokes. Listen to that. I'll come do it sometime soon, dude. Thanks, thanks.

I'm saying that would be a nice arc for Out for Smokes. Uh-huh. Finding out if I'm... It starts with the first episode you have a couple people on from your life that lay out the case of you being... Have Andy on. Have whoever on, right? Yeah, yeah. Then you and the guys discuss it a little bit. Then the next day is, all right, I'm going to go take the test. What's the test? Build up some anticipation. Then finally, it's a three-episode arc. Yeah. Yeah.

You reveal live on the air whether you have autism or not. Yeah, okay. And then there's a fourth episode where it's like, you know, now you're wearing mismatched shoes. Right, right, right.

But then what do you do with that info once you find out that you are? Dude, I don't know. Can you get on disability or something? You probably can figure something out. Yeah. Because my mom gets like $21,000 a year from the state for my brother. Your brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I think is more than she's allowed to. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you figure it out. Yeah. My parents came to visit the other day because I live in Red Hook now. And I'm like, all right, so here's where you can park. And my mom goes, you know, a thousand migrants are moving to Red Hook. Single males. Yeah.

Single males. Single males in their 20s. That's an awesome thing to throw in there. It's not bad enough they're migrants. They're the raping type. Yeah, they're not married.

That's fucking hilarious. Anyway, that's a thought I would say, you know. Okay. Just, what do you do with it? Who knows? Get on disability. Yeah. Now you become the face of neurodivergent comedy. Right. You know? Right. You know, you start getting some career opportunities. Yeah. I'm just saying. Because a lot of comedy is just people being autistic. It's true. You know? It's taking, it's,

Tim Robinson, right? The I think you should leave guy. That's probably just autism. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's different. It's completely a steamrolling through social cues and looking and being like, why are we looking at things this way when it actually is this way? And it's like, no, it's not. That's crazy. But it's funny. Yeah. You're right. I know. Because I think my whole life I was like, am I like a little weird? Am I kind of like awkward or whatever? But yeah, I just got to...

just lean into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always think I'm like this Italian James Bond type. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's like me. We were talking. I just watched the Miami Vice with Colin Farrell. Yeah. And he has like long hair and a fucking mustache. And I was like,

I literally think I look like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just pull up the picture. We'll put it on the... But that's good. Yeah. You're actually your true detective, Colin Farrell. I haven't seen that one either. Pull them both up. Colin Farrell, Miami Vice. Well, he's not fat in that, but there's a scene where he goes to school to pick up his kid, and he's like, where are your shoes? And he's like, I don't know. He's like, where are those fucking shoes I bought you? And this kid took his shoes. He's like, who took your shoes?

He's like, tell me who took your shoes, you fat pussy. Yeah, that's it. That's it right there. That's how I think I look. Yeah, but that's kind of how it's not in the right light. There he is. There he is. You know? This is awesome. You got to think that you're handsome. If you don't think you're handsome, who will? Exactly. My grandmother's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nobody's around to tell me I'm handsome. And for you, if you don't think you're not autistic, who will? Right. You know? Right. I have to just deny being autistic. Yeah, for sure.

Oh, yeah. That's closer. You know what? I'll take that one, too. That one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes to the... He's like, what's this kid's name? He's like, his name is Aspen something. No, but you know what's funny? That's how I think I'll look in 10 years. Right, right, right. In my head, I'm younger than that guy. He looks so much better than me. Anyway, folks. Look.

Look, we got Mike. He's a new father. He's Italian. He's possibly one-eighth autistic. We don't know yet. One-sixteenth. Who knows? A little sprinkling. Thirty-second even.

But the important thing is he's got a perspective. You've got a perspective for these fucking idiots here, Mikey. You've lived a life these motherfuckers haven't even dreamed of. You've got life experiences. And it's time that together we solve some problems. What do you say? You ready to take some calls? Let's fucking get some calls going. We've missed you, everyone. And for everybody else, like we said, 904-800-STOP. Call in.

And even though we haven't taken a break, it's been episodes the whole time, this is me and Eldis' first episode back for a couple months, actually. So we're a little rusty, but we're very nice. Since December 20th. Since December 20th. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I went home. I went to Baltimore. I did a little exercise with my brother. I had to kind of detox. It was nice. And then I got that strange, the weirdest gig of my life.

Paris Fashion Week Okay Which was insane We went to Paris for the weekend To do a show That was also a fashion show But it's like I spent Were they nice They were nice to you They were great It was so cool But I spent I hope you weren't there To like you know For them to No it was Balenciaga Last year

Oh. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had a bunch of kids in a... No. No, yeah. You're like, were they nice to you? Did he dress up like a big baby? Yeah, the gig was... Yeah, a bunch of hot models circled around me and laughed. I was naked. And they were like, he's fat. His penis is small.

No, it was really fun, but I spent like a month working on my brother eating healthy, and then you go to Paris, and it's like, I guess I'll have baguettes and fucking croissants and butter and cheese. Yeah, but you don't really gain weight when you go to Europe. It's weird. Listen, brother. You did? I mean, it was just like wildly unhealthy. I went to Italy with my family, and I was like, I'm going to gain so much weight, but you walk a lot, and the food is not poison. Well, it's the middle. You usually go in the summer, right? You're usually swimming, walking. We're in the winter. Okay.

We're jet lagged. We're getting drunk. We're eating. We're not doing anything. Was that your first time in Paris? Second time in Paris. It was nice? It was nice. It was really nice. We're going to do a full... Next week, folks, we'll do a full recap episode. We'll have Matteo Lane on here who was...

He was also in the fashion show. And it was a good crew. Good crew. So you'll get the whole scoop on Paris next week, folks. We wanted to have somebody that was there with us. But anyway, let's get to some fucking problems. What do you say, L Dunce? Let's do it. Hey, Stuv. It ain't playing, Chief. I also consider myself a fat rascal. Start it over. You dumb bitch. Hey, Stuv.

I also consider myself a fat rascal, big fan of fat rascal. Thank you, brother. So I recently found out that my new fiancé may be infertile. I want to know if you think that it's selfish of me that I'm going to get my nuts checked, see what my semen count is, so I can maybe use it later for ammo, so I can point the finger at her and then...

What the fuck? What does he want to do? He wants to say your pussy doesn't work and my dick is fine? Yeah, yeah. In like an argument? So, yes. 100%. He's like, you loaded the dishwasher wrong. Yeah, it's like, yeah, well, your pussy's a fucking desert, you bitch. Mind not swimming. How about you fucking do the dishes? Yes.

40 million sperm. I have this adopted Korean. This isn't my fucking son. I don't know why I agreed to this. You ruined my fucking life with your rotten pussy. Just tattooed the number 40 million tattooed on his arm. Yeah, you are a piece of shit so clearly. I don't even, I mean, what the fuck is this? Do I think it's selfish of you to go get your nuts checked

So that you can use it later as ammo and leave because there's nothing more important than starting a family. I bet his sperm count's not even that high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way you got good tits. It's probably average. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So recently found out that my fiancee may be infertile. That's... Let me say... This mountain dew drinking motherfucker. Can I say this? She should leave you. No, no, no.

You're willing to cut and run? This is actually wild, truly. This exact thing happened to my fucking parents. What? My mom had issues. Yeah. But my mom was like, hey, if you want to leave...

all good, but they had in vitro. Took them a while. What about your brothers? In vitro. Yeah. So actually, me and my dad don't have a great relationship, but I will say he stuck around and without him being a better person than this guy. And my dad's not even a good guy. And he's a better guy than you. At least he didn't get his sperm counted. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. You can start...

Yeah, first of all, go get your fucking sperm counted because I would love if you're fucking. Yeah, let's see what you're, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're fucking. Let's see what you're packing, yeah. I want to know if your jizz is good or not, okay? So call back, and I know 4-800-STOP, but. Yeah, I'm fat, but I'm shooting about probably 100 million sperm per ejaculation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you are a bad, for sure, this is shitty of you to think because you say there's nothing more important to you than starting a family. Yeah.

Do you love this woman? It's your fiancé, right? Theoretically, you love her. Well, you could get in vitro, right? Like, we don't... And he also says, may be infertile. He doesn't even fucking know. And he's ready to cut and run. But here's why you know he's really a piece of shit. Mm-hmm.

He's like, well, if my dick doesn't work, if we're both equal, then I won't make a big stink. I'll stay with her because we're both fucking pieces of shit. But if he's better than her, he's like, well, I'm going to cut and run because I'm better. You're a very selfish, shitty person who doesn't love this woman is what it sounds like to me. But if you want to start a family, then it's like, yes.

and you love this person, a family is loving people and supporting them unconditionally. You clearly don't want to do that because you can... Maybe he's just trying to be funny, but that should also show you that being funny is the hardest job in the entire world. He probably is a little bit, but

But imagine being this woman, and you get these results. You start crying, and your fiance's like, she's like, what's that piece of paper in your hand? Oh, nothing. I'm not workshopping voicemails to send a fat comedian. Like, imagine being this woman. He's trying to do bits. It's like her life might be ruined, and he's considering leaving her. If you're doing a bit. There's no way that you have a high sperm count or your dick works. No.

Okay, but to truly... We fully shit on you. You're a piece of shit, et cetera. But if you actually love this woman, and there's nothing more important than starting a family, there's in vitro. But also, there is literally adoption. I know we made the joke... The joke earlier started with me being like, how dare... I can't... But it's like...

You should. That's a fully real way to start a family. And by the way, we probably should be adopting more kids. There's a ton of fucking kids, man. And, you know, and that might be a blessing if one of or both of you, by the way, because we don't know what you're just like, can't have kids. Then give a kid or two a fucking family that might be fucked. Otherwise, you would be. That's even nicer. Yeah, I've thought about this. If I have kids, I do think I want to go one and one.

I think I want to cancel it out. You know what I mean? No, that's great. I would love to do that. And you adopt a black one. And you just see how they perform. And you do a real nature versus nurture type study. Yeah, you're just pissed off because he's not good at sports or dancing. Your black brother puts his dishes in the sink. He cleans his room. And he's adopted and he's black.

What the fuck's the matter with you? Mike Racine, the most progressive Italian. This is like how your dad would hit the retarded son. You're like, hey, measure up to your black brother. So anyway, that's our advice here, buddy. Call back and let us know what your jizz is like. But if you're a good person who's not doing a bit, or if there's even some truth about you being like, should I leave her, then...

You know, you guys should be together. What is a high sperm count? It's like tens of millions? I don't know. There's a King of the Hill episode, right, where Hank gets like eight. Yes, he's got the narrow urethra, of course, and a low sperm count. But they're like, your sperm count's eight. Peggy's like, high number, high number. They're like, eight million. Yeah. That's a low number. Fifteen million. Seventy sperm mobility. Good. Normal sperm density range from 15 mil to 200 mil. Per milliliter of semen. Wow.

That's a wide range. Isn't that crazy? That is a very wide range. Everyone makes a different kid. Yeah. Yeah. That is fucking insane. Yeah. That's what we should do for the podcast. I'll just see who's got the higher sperm count. I'd love to. It's crazy. It's scary. Of all the sperms that I've ever, like, I made, like, a blonde kid that looks nothing like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. You did get, you got one of the better sperms. I know there's some horrific kids in that, not sad.

There's some fucking morons. Just some wah pieces of shit, yeah. All right. Hit us with another one, LD. Let's see who we got up next. Hey, Stav. Hope you're doing well. Been a good one. It's been a good one with the guests so far. Hope the guests are doing well too. And LDs.

Thanks, buddy. So I'm kind of in a situation where I'm thinking about moving. Okay. Because I got a last year. Truckboysmovingatgmail.com. Yes. Truckboysmovingatgmail.com, my friend, if you go through with it. Actually, yeah. A comic I know owns a little moving company. All right. I'm kind of in a situation where I'm thinking about moving. Okay.

Cause I kinda last year like hooked up with this chick at an anime convention over the weekend. Like we hung out the whole weekend too. Really fun. Like it's great to be around her. And like later that year, like late September, I flew out to California, like spent a week there. Oh wow. And it was, it was pretty nice. Just outside of like he who doing the fuck.

She genuinely really appreciates what I do. I cook and stuff. She's appreciative about that. She's cute. And even was like, hey, no, you need a face routine. Use a separate towel for it. That kind of pairing and stuff too. Really genuinely felt great, but I've got so much over in Chicago that I've already built up. Got my job here. My other friends are out here. Family is around here. It's a hot dog place I really like.

I don't know. He can get a good hot dog anywhere. Chuck it and fuck it and go out there because I'm like 25. I've got a lot ahead of me. What do you think? Stop right there. You don't have a lot ahead of you. No one really has a lot ahead of them. Life doesn't really change that much.

Like, hey, you should come out. This is a good deal, though. I recently just posted, like, hey, I did some meal prep. And she went, hey, you should come be my house husband for a few years. And I'm like, ooh, tempting. So, yeah. Just appreciate the thought on that. Thank you. Okay.

Interesting. So a few years. So I just posted, hey, I just did some meal prep and she posted you should be my house husband. So this man is considering moving because a girl he fucked, if I'm reading this correctly, two to three times.

Was like, hey, come over. Possibly joking. No, I'm not clear, super clear on the timeline, but I think they met at an anime convention. Where does she live? She lives in California. He lives in Chicago. They met at an anime convention. He went out there, like... Yeah, he visited her. At least once he visited. They fucked at the anime convention. He went to visit. They fucked. They hung out. They fucked. You know, they spent time together a little bit. But it sounds like, yeah, they haven't... Not too much IRL. So, by the way...

This guy's fucked maybe this woman and maybe one other woman, you think? Like, this guy got pussy at an anime convention. He's like, I'm in love. Going to visit is fine. You know, somebody has good pussy, you like her. Sure. Go out for a little vacation. Yeah, use your points. Yeah, use some points. Exactly. Fucking... But now, you think about moving, and from that last... I would have assumed they're dating long distance. She just...

Like I Is that real Do you Buddy Do not move out there Oh I wonder if that's real Yeah You should Ask her if it's real first She might just Want you to dick her down But also These might be two nerds That don't know how to How to like Phrase their feelings Yeah Um

their romantic feelings, that you both might be kind of shy. Yeah. And you should be talking more. You should be like, you know... You should at least, at least be dating long distance before you even consider moving for this person. Now, at the other... Does she have a good job or something, it sounds like? I mean, that's not a bad... I mean, that's not a bad deal to, like, go to a new place and kind of get set up for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, one little detail here. Before the house husband thing, he says...

Is that like, should I go for it? She's definitely handed that like, hey, you should come out here. She's definitely hinted that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do these things when you're young. That's, yes. You might not think you're young, but 25 is like... You're young. You're young. You're young for sure. And Chicago will always be there. No, it's true. Those are your roots. Your friends probably aren't going anywhere. Chicago's a really nice place to be from because it's both a big city and...

can be your home. I'm kind of jealous. You know what I mean? Oh, for sure, yeah. It's nicer to be from Chicago than from Baltimore. Like, I know successful people that just stay in Chicago because it's a big enough city that they don't feel... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's either here or there. I just feel like I never left the East Coast because I was always like, oh, my family's here, my grandparents. My grandparents are still alive. They're 96, 97. They're still fucking, like, racist and shitty. Yeah.

You know, my grandfather's slowly dying. My grandmother's still a bitch. Like I could have, I could have done all this stuff. I could have gone to LA for like, you know, a year or so in 2012 or something. Just go, just live somewhere different, you know. Have a different experience. And just see how you do and see how far you can get. And Chicago's always going to be there. So I would say even if, you know, what's probably going to happen is you're going to get humiliated and she's going to,

She's going to go, I was joking. You're going to show up with a U-Haul and she's going to go, oh, I was fucking with you. You're really coming over? Some guy in a Yu-Gi-Oh costume is going to come to the door. You're going to knock. You're going to be like, it's me. Some guy dressed like fucking Trunks from DBZ shows up with purple hair. But even if you get your heart broken, that's still a good story. I agree. I think, listen...

At the very least, you should go out there. You should visit again. You should get some pussy one more time for old time's sake. Yeah. And you should really talk about this. Yeah. But I agree with you, Mike. You're young. Chicago will be there. Have some new experiences. But I would say at least go visit one more time. Hang out. Go visit one more time. Get some pussy one more time and be like, hey, I'm really thinking about this.

Have an actual relationship going and fucking try it out. Yeah. It's not hard to relocate. And also, if you're going to do this, actually figure out your life stuff. You say you have a job in Chicago. Is that the kind of job that you can transfer? Is there a similar industry there? Yeah. You probably shouldn't live with her to begin with. No, no, no. You should have your own place. But at the same time, I could...

I feel like anime nerds falling in love and getting married is pretty... It's a pretty standard thing. So you go visit, see, feel out the vibes. Maybe this guy's going to be married within a month. You know what I mean? That's what I was going to say. I feel like with, like, you know, they're probably both, like, just a little weird. Nothing...

Nothing judgmental against anime people, but I can see that thing where like, you know, I feel like sometimes you hear about people like that, like moving really fast. And I could totally see them like, you know, this guy's there in a week and they just don't miss a beat. For sure. It's just like such a clear works out thing, like from the beginning. There's two ways this could go. That, right? Two kind of weird people that both don't fuck that much.

Fall in love. They're both kind of being a little shy because he's talking about she's hinted. And I've said this, like, even though they've already fucked, they're both like too nervous to really say their feelings. Yeah. And they have this cute little whirlwind romance. He moves in. They have a beautiful life. Or she sucks anyone off at Comic-Con. Yeah. You were one of the guys she sucked off. Yeah. You're going to get there. She'll be happy to see you the first time. Yeah. And then you fuck and you're like, so where should I put my clothes? And she's like, your clothes. Yeah. She's like, yeah.

She's like, oh my God, I got another guy to move out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, yeah, they have a contest. Yeah, yeah. They're like, how many nerds can we get to move to leave their family? Yeah, those are your two options. But you know what? I say roll the fucking dice. Roll the dice. You're a young man. Yeah. You're not clearly not getting pussy in Chicago. Or this wouldn't even be a question. Yeah, yeah.

Here's another thing. Like, he just sounds, like, pretty soft-spoken. And I could see this being a dynamic where, like, you know, he's just a normal dude, soft-spoken. And she's just, like, more aggressive, more dominant, and also, like, sleeper hot in that anime girl way. Absolutely. Like, you know, just...

Pretty face, big old titties in that Sailor Moon costume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oval-shaped eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if that's the case, you know, all the more, yeah, fuck it. Yeah, you might be doing Japanese Duolingo with your wife.

With your wife in California soon. Yeah. Yeah. Let us know how it goes, buddy. Yeah, and even if you're heartbroken, that's like a good story. It's a good story, and it's character development. We've all had our hearts broken here on this podcast, and we're all better men for it. Exactly. And no one over 25 should have grandparents anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Hit us with another one, Eld. Big Eld.

It's the colonel from American TV.

And then a few years ago, he told me that he killed somebody, like, while he was in the army. And I thought, oh, fuck, like, you know, war story. And then, you know, he kind of broke down a bit more after that, crying, completely shit-faced. Dad's an outcast, probably because of this. Turns out, it wasn't, like, combat. My dad's got, like, really fucked up in Germany and, like, choked some dude out. And then he died. Like, he killed a guy. What the fuck? But because he was, like...

Yeah, he's in the military and you know, he was attached to get like discharged and moved around. And you're calling into a podcast. Why? Why are you just... This is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Run it back a couple seconds. I want to hear this whole thing. But because he was like, he's in the military and you know, he was attached to get like discharged and moved around and nothing really ever happened. Um...

But there's a part of me that wonders if like, if I'm cursed and how should I talk to my dad about the feelings that this gives me? I feel like whenever I bring it up to him, I'm afraid to even mention it. Like he told me my mom knew about it. And then when I asked my mom about it, she was just like, what are you talking about?

Oh, man.

I don't know. I got you, brother. Well, first of all, it doesn't sound like you're ever... At a certain point, you gotta be like, am I really ever gonna have a relation with my father? Right now, it sounds like the answer is no. The fact that he told you shit-faced, isn't that what he said? That he was shit-faced and crying? This guy was... I don't even know why he would fucking tell you! He's putting this on you. It's selfish of him. It's literally selfish of him. Your mom...

Clearly doesn't... I mean, the emotions in this family don't feel like a thing to get talked about. Instead of thinking about discussing feelings with your dad, I mean, you think this guy is gonna... You think that's gonna work? Let's be honest. You know what I mean? Like, my dad's just kind of rude to...

And that's just kind of like angry and he's hard to talk to. Maybe the guy his dad choked out was a Nazi and his dad was delivering karma for that guy. That's true. Maybe that guy's dad killed some Jews. And so maybe your dad's the acting...

as the fist of karma. Yeah. But I think instead of thinking about this, I think it seems like your dad was a bad dad. And instead of looking at like your feelings here, I think you're given a beautiful opportunity because if I were you, I would put on some white face paint. I would, when your dad's sleeping, I would go to his window and be like, you will not get away with this.

It is coming. It is coming. Your ahamapins is coming. Look over your shoulders.

And I would haunt my father for clearly being a bad guy. Bad guy. He's a murderer. You have to step up and be the karma for your dad. And the U.S. Army covered for him. Yeah. So, look, it's nice of you to be thinking this stuff. And this is the beginning of therapy. I mean, are you in there? I mean, I went into therapy being like, hey, how do I, you know, how do I fix every problem I have with my father? Yeah.

At a certain point, you got to realize there's only so much you can do. Sure. There's so much you can do fully desiring to let alone thinking about the other person who's not even meeting you a quarter of the way, let alone halfway. Right.

So you got to be realistic about what this is going to be like. You should go to therapy and talk about this for yourself. But I don't know that you're ever getting closure and figuring it out with your dad. Your dad sounds like a fucking mess. He literally killed the guy and he's probably dealing with the guilt of that, let alone all the other fucked up. Who knows what other fucked up shit that gets. Yeah. That's like, you know, on the bench. Yeah. What other abuse and shit he's done? What other fucked up shit he's done? So. Yeah.

Don't feel cursed. Here's the one thing I'll say. Sounds like your mom's complacent in it. Exactly, yeah. And maybe she's swept up in it for years. That can be a weird relationship, especially how long ago they got together, what society was like, what their families were like.

The thing you can really work on out of all this call that's the most alarming to me is feeling... You mentioned feeling like you're cursed. You're not cursed. That's not how the way this shit works, right? Yeah, yeah. The sins of the father is bullshit stuff. It's like, whatever. You're not... Bad stuff is not happening to you because...

Some guy took your dad's schnitzel and he fucking suffocated him over it. Okay? That's not what's going on here. So work on that part. Because clearly, this is a really... If I'm going to put my pop psychology hat on here...

I, as somebody who's dealt with a lot of guilt issues with my family, guilt seems like something that happens a lot in your family and you, and this huge, this huge thing your dad just told you feels like a lightning rod for all your guilt about your family. It's just really like almost poetic symbol for everything your father has saddled you with and you're feeling, and that's what it seems like to me, you're feeling, I might be wrong, go to therapy, go to a real fucking doctor about it. But,

That's what you have to get over, feeling this guilt. And the fact that your dad did a really fucked up thing compounds the guilt you feel, but you had nothing to do with it. You don't have shit to do with all the fucked up shit your dad's done. Try not to do fucked up shit yourself. Go to a therapist. See how realistic it is for you to repair your relationship and also be realistic about how far you can even repair that and change.

when you have a little emotional space, think about, is this something I even want to repair? You know, some people, there's some, I'm not, I don't know the whole story with your dad. I mean, this could just be a one time accident thing and he might be a lovely guy. My guess is that's not what it is. But some people have really atrocious fucking parents and they just realize they're better off never speaking to them again.

Is that you? I can't tell you that. You and a therapist and some thought have to tell you that, but at least have that possibility on the table. And good luck and really work on your German accent whenever your dad pisses you off. Throw a little flower on your face. That's not funny! Yes, it is.

Do you guys think this is like pure manipulative dad move, like trying to saddle him? Or do you think it's like an attempt to connect and not like pure ego, like get it off his chest? It's ego. It seems pretty selfish. If I had to guess, it's not even connecting. It's unloading and being like,

I feel better that I'm not hiding that from you. But it's like, well, just hide it from me. I don't need to fucking live with this. I mean, that's what... You want to talk about our fucking dads. It's like, that's the kind of shit my dad would do where it's like, he would just fucking... He would do something insane like break a fucking coffee table, yell, do abusive shit. And then he'd come back crying and want to hug. And it's like...

No, you're the thing we're sad about. Yeah, yeah. You can't be the thing we're all rallying around. Like, you're sad because of the shit you did. Yeah. And that's what this motherfucker did. Even worse, though, because, like, his son wasn't involved at all. No. So that's my guess. Just, you know, obviously I'm reading into it with my own, you know, my own...

Make a TikTok about it. Maybe you can find the German guy's family. Because in Germany, somebody's like, my father was just choked one night by it. He just disappeared. Yeah, the last place he was seen was a bar a quarter mile from the American base in Dusseldorf. And we still don't know what happened. And it's classified now. He was selling schnitzel to support our family. Some animal choked him out.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's get another one going there, Big Eld. Savi, how's it going? I'm a 31-year-old guy from San Diego. Big fan of your podcast. I've been listening for a while. Anyways, I got a little... I got a question for you. My girlfriend is 26. We've been together for almost a year.

She is, she's just the best, man. She's beautiful. She's fun. She likes all the same things I like. And... She killed a German man in 1982. I used to pick her up from high school, you know, before she got her driver's license. We met, yeah. I was her tutor. I was her pre-SAT prep tutor. Sorry, I run it all the way back. All the same things I like.

And I think she's the one. I think we're going to get married and we're going to have a great life together. I don't know why I said I think. We're definitely going to. But anyways, my question to you is prior to this relationship, I was kind of a crazy person and I always was doing weird shit like run around at festivals and

doing a bunch of drugs. I would go to Germany and just start sharing with the locals. Parties and just having a good time. And now my life is a little bit more slow and mundane. And I like that. Like, you know, 99% of the time I love that. But every once in a while, you know, I just want to be free and do some crazy fun things.

Um, anyway, just wondering if you have any advice on how I can still, you know, love and honor her and not do anything stupid, like sleep around or anything like that. Just, you know, what, what, what can you do together? Just, you know, what, what, what can me and my girlfriend do together? Um, that it's just like a break from this,

mundane reality. What can you do together? Anyways, big fan. So you won't cheat on her? Hope you come to San Diego and thanks so much. How can I bring her into my... Yeah, what activities... Babe, help me help you. Babe, you gotta meet me here because I used to do Molly and get sucked off in porta-potties. So you're gonna have to come up with some fun hobbies so that I don't do that anymore. Yeah.

Here's the thing. I like to go on TikTok and DM teenagers. So what can you do for me that...

Is there like a board game we can get into? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that is an aggressive shift in tone here. He's like, ah, she's the best. I love her, all this stuff. But I thought he was going to be like, I used to be a crazy guy. I hope she isn't ever going to come back and is she going to judge me for it? But this guy's like, I still would like to be that guy sometimes and I want her to let me do it. Yeah. I want to go get sucked off at Burning Man once a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to go eat a pussy that hasn't been bathed for four days. I want to fuck a woman with stink lines like a cartoon, like a looney tune, like a pile of trash from the looney tunes coming off her pussy at Ulta or whatever the fuck, at the governor's ball. I literally want to fuck Bugs Bunny in drag. I can't stop thinking about it. She just doesn't look like, she looks nothing like Bugs Bunny.

Okay, so I just want to be free and do some crazy fun things. I mean, dude. I love her and honor her. So how do I not... He's saying like, how do I not cheat on her? It sounds like essentially he's asking like, how do I not cheat? Now look, does she... Have you talked about this at all with her? Because what... A big problem here might be that you have built this...

what sounded like ideal relationship, but you built it on a foundation of lies, right? Like that you're a guy, you present to this girl as some guy who fucking, you know, likes brunch, wears cardigans, all this kind of stuff, and you used to be a fucking...

you know, a demon just getting, you know, at Bonnaroo finger-popping strangers, right? But everybody kind of wants to do that on some level, right? When you're committed to somebody. To fake who you are. No, you just like, you just choose not to. Choose to be a better person. You gotta commit to being a better person. Yeah, yeah. And that's fine. Or maybe just Italians, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Italians just cheat.

That is the secret. This is a very Italian way to go about it. Because if this guy was Italian, it would be like, I'm a family man 90% of the time, 10% of the time, I pay a Serbian woman to suck my dick after I've had so much vodka sauce a child could drown in it. Right? Like, that's what an Italian would do here. And if this was old school, this guy would just basically be Don Draper. He would have a nice life, and then he would go, you know, fuck every once in a while. But...

So I think if this is something that is important to you, that you want this element in your life, you just have to... You just let go of that. Or how about this? Why don't you go to this fucking thing with your fiance or wife or whatever the fuck? Like a couple... I don't know about that. That's...

I'll tell you, as a married guy, that's never worked. That's never been like a thing. This guy's talking about festivals and drugs and all that kind of shit. I'm not talking about hanging out with the boys and going to get... This guy sounds like it's a very specific thing. Why can't you party with your wife? I do meet these couples where they seem to just have genuine fun together. And they're young. They still act young. They still go to parties. It's just like you end up fucking your wife.

in the closet of the part of the house instead of a woman you don't know. That's the big difference. Like, is that enough for you? Is the problem here that you've lied to your girlfriend about this and she thinks you're this, like, you know, goody two-shoes but you actually have a little bit of a wild side that you think she wouldn't approve of? Or, you know, give her the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like he wants to fuck around, though. It really... When we get down to it, what it sounds like is he wants to cheat. Yeah. Yeah.

But you just have to not. You just can't. You can't cheat. Just don't do it. Just don't. But also, it's like, you know, I had a therapist tell me years and years ago that, like, you know, cheating is a choice. Like, we act like it's a mistake or whatever, but it's like you make, like, a series of choices to, like, to do that. Of course.

Of course, without question. So just don't make those choices. Just don't do it, man. And be accountable for it because you're going to hurt your partner if you do that. And what I would say is you don't want to do that. He does love this woman. Clearly, he's like, you know. No, it's going to be, if you cheat, it's going to be really bad. Yeah, for sure. You're either going to get caught and it's going to hurt her or you're not going to get caught but you're going to feel like a piece of shit. It's not even going to be. Yeah, and it won't be worth it at all.

So I would suggest as someone who's not in a committed relationship has not gotten it to work ever. So maybe I don't know what I'm saying here. You're going to have to buy jewelry and then she's going to be like, what the fuck is this about? Why are you spying me? I just missed you when I was on my work trip is all.

No, it's just Vegas is known for their necklaces. So my advice, if you get her in...

Show this side of you. See if she wants to be a part of it or whatever. See, the thing is, it's hard to bring your wife or your girlfriend into that when you say, like, hey, I love you, but I kind of feel like I want to fuck other people. I'm not saying get an open relationship. No, no, no. But they're just not going to understand that in any... So really, like, every man who's in a relationship with a woman is kind of living a lie. That's how...

Yeah, how I feel. But you have to choose to, like, you really have to commit to somebody and choose to, you know, and I think you'll feel better about yourself when you do. And listen, I can't tell you... And then the problem is when you're committed to a woman, more skanks will want to fuck you. Yes, yes, it's true. Because you're a devoted husband and father. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it gets not harder, but you know what I mean. You become...

You become more desirable. Yes, yes. So you have to realize that. But then you also have to realize that you're not who you are without your partner. Exactly. And you have a great partner. Oh, yeah. There's nothing funnier than when you're in a relationship and a woman builds you up and you're like, I'm going to use all this confidence to fuck her.

All their whores. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. You don't want to do that. Because me as a divorced guy, it would not be a good... I'd be living in a van or something. It's going to be so bad, dude. It's going to be... It would be really bad. Yeah, yeah. You got to keep it going, Mike. Yeah. Um...

So just don't do it. Don't do it. And my thought is try and get her a little bit in this world and see if you can involve her in this specific fun. You know, going to concerts, whatever the fuck. There's plenty of things that, you know, couples that kind of get that to work. It's hard, though. It might be hard, but I'm just saying think about it. We don't know your exact dynamics yet.

Give it a shot if you think it might make sense. Maybe you start with her. You say, hey, do you want me to watch another guy fuck you? See if she goes for that. Then you ease it into you fucking other women.

She's probably going to say no, but it's worth the shot. But it's worth the shot. It's like, honey, I love you so much. Yeah. I would let you. And then you just have to watch your wife get railed by a man who's better at sex than you. Or what you could do is you try, if she calls your bluff and she says yes, you're like, you fucking whore, I knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but if she says no, then you're like, well, I gave you the opportunity. Can I fuck girls? That's the way, you know, that's your, that's the advice, pal. Yeah.

Yeah, you really got to give up your favorite thing when you get married. And that's okay. But you have to give it up. So we give you some really good advice, pal. I love living in a one-bedroom apartment with my wife and son. Oh, fuck. Getting fat. All that stuff is awesome. Just getting fat, having a terrible diet, never sleeping. Getting up at 7 o'clock to watch Elmo.

Because he's done sleeping. Even though you went to bed at the same time. It's all very nice. You got to just make your choices. But if you have somebody that you're this close with, that you love this much, don't fuck strange women. Yes. That's our final advice to you, pal, and we're rooting for you. We're rooting for you. Don't be a piece of shit. You can do it. You can do it, pal. How much time have we been doing all this?

We're at an hour 35 right now. Okay, nice. Hit us with, let's get a couple nice ones here to close us out. Okay. Maybe someone who has a knack for broadcasting and not like, you know, their whole life story. We'll never find that. We'll never find that. Wow, podcasting's hard, huh, guys? It's hard to get to the point, isn't it? Okay, here we go. Let's go.

Hey, Stav. I'm at a bit of a crossroads and I'm wondering if you can help me out. So a little bit of background. I used to work in marketing and I really hated that job. Like, I hated being in the office. So I made the change and I switched careers and I became a teacher. I am now a middle school special education teacher. And overall... A lot of bruises on my arms, but... I like the work, but...

This is the absolutely hardest job I've ever had. It's incredibly stressful, and it literally makes me want to kill myself. You should do it, and those retards will learn a lesson to leave you the fuck alone. To stop being so hard on you. What? He killed himself? He killed himself? But I was just playing.

We were just playing! Yeah, well now he's dead. You would be the sacrificial lamb, but you would have eight of the most well-behaved special needs people in that entire town. Exactly, yeah. How do they do it? Well, one guy made the ultimate sacrifice. Makes me want to kill myself. I even had somewhat of a mental breakdown last year. So I'm wondering...

Should I stick it out? Should I improve? Or should I look into another career? I'm not really keen on going back to school. Anyways, if you can help me out, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

This is tough. This is tough. And look, you know, obviously, this really shows you how fucking, like, how fucked the world is because it's like, this guy should make more money than us. Sure. Well, you can give him some money if you want. Yeah, yeah, I'll give him a little bit. I have a family. I don't have any dollars to spare. Me. You should make more money than me. Like, we really fuck teachers and especially a special ed teacher. It's like, that should be the kind of thing where you make six figures. Yeah. Because it's so hard and it's so, like...

for our society to function. Sure. Whereas like, you know, podcasting is not. Um, but I mean, look, that's not, you know, we're not going to snap our fingers and, you know, get, get, get him. No, no, no. And hey, what can you do about it? Yeah. The world's not fair. The world's not fair. I gotta, you know, we gotta buy track suits. Yeah. Uh,

So I would say this is stuff. I had a situation like this. I like I decide I was a tutor in Baltimore City. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I can't do this because I was not good at my job because I was doing comedy. And I was like, if I fuck this up like a kid's life is bad. Yeah. Right. But it wasn't this guy. He likes the work. It's it's rewarding, but it's too hard.

And he doesn't want to go back to school. Marketing is bullshit. Obviously I get that. Yeah, sure. Could you just go to non-special ed teaching? Is that enough of a, like a... Can you get like a potato gun? So when they start coming at you, you know, you can just kind of like... Yeah, a t-shirt cannon. Yeah, a t-shirt cannon. And throw a wash, shoot a washcloth at them every time they act up. Yeah.

I would say, can you make the switch to, you know, if the special ed is too much, can you make the switch to different kinds of teaching? If you get a reward out of education. Yeah. My mom works at a special ed school and it's like, so she does that and then deals with my brother. It's like, it's fucking hard. Yeah, that's tough. It's crazy because it's like. And then my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny that a woman who has so much empathy for the people she works with is like, we have to round up every Mexican and put them on a sinking ship. It's like, how is that the same person? I don't know. No, it's because they come here and they get free health care. Right. As soon as you sneak over the border. Right, right. Which is how it works. Uh-huh. Yeah. You go right into the best hospital. You get a free cell phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a hospital. They give you a Mercedes Benz. Uh-huh. So, is there...

Is teaching something that's viable for you? If you like helping kids, if you like this, is there an administrative thing you'd like to go to? Right. I wish I knew what specifically is hard about the job. I mean, I think you know your brother. You know what I mean? And anyone I've known who's worked with special needs kids, they say the same thing, where it's like, yes, it's really rewarding, but sometimes it's physically taxing, right? Yeah. And if you're having mental breakdowns, bro...

You can't do it. You know what I mean? Like, even if the heart wants, you're not cut out for it, right? So...

And you don't want to go back to school, but you find... It sounds like something in education... Could you use your job in marketing to maybe sell a product to the special eds kids and then make some money off of them? Right, right, right. Marketing, you kind of candy bar to them. Yeah. You can have stuff you can... And it's just an old kind of candy bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a payday. Actually, marketing candy bar to special eds kids, it sounds like the easiest job in the world. You don't have to really... Look, there's peanuts on the outside. Yeah.

Become an educational consultant who siphons money from the school system to people who shouldn't have it. Get paid way more than teachers for some reason. Yes, exactly. Become a fucking... Go work for Deloitte and do PowerPoints about special ed instead of actually doing it and get paid six figures. But do you want to stay in education? I mean, you know, some other teaching thing. That might be it. And look, if you don't want to go to school...

And you weren't happy at a regular desk job. It's like, honestly, like, you don't want to go to school school, but do you want to learn a trade? I mean, going to college sounds so annoying. Yeah. Like, sometimes working construction is literally a better job than teaching. Literally. I saw a TikTok. Some lady was like, I'm not going to work.

I used to be a teacher. Now I work at Costco. I love my job. I love leaving work. I love my team. They encourage me. I don't have to take any crap from customers. The management supports me. Yeah. This was never this. I was never treated this well when I was a teacher. Yeah. Crazy. So fucked. Yeah. We're so fucked. We're fucked. Yeah. Um,

I kind of want to tell this guy, like, you know, try it out for another year, even though it sounds really hard and he gets nervous. I feel like even like the hardest job, if you just like hang in there long enough, like you just get used to it, which could be depressing, but I feel like you need to like approach with that attitude, like teaching in particular, where it's like, if you want to be a career teacher, like, you know, you just realize if you do it enough, like, you know, you're not going to change every kid's life or fix every single thing, but it's just about like,

small moments or something. Small victories, sure. That's what it's like all about. Yeah. Shout out to Abbott Elementary. That's a good show that, you know, does, says shit like that. What were you going to say, Mike? I said, Janelle James has a great body.

Yes. No, I don't know if he wants to kill himself. I mean, I don't know. That's like a lot. Yeah, you should want it. Yeah, yeah. I've never really heard of that. I mean, I'm sure women probably feel that way all the time. They just keep it inside. Women? The women who work with these kids. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah, I mean, that is true. If it's only been a year, I do know what you mean, though. It's sometimes, like, when I'm off to New York... It's like a special needs kid, and you're like, did your teacher kill themselves? Yeah. Because he said you were too difficult. Now a good man is dead. But...

I will say, though, when you start hard things that are rewarding, the beginning is very difficult. I wanted to kill myself when I moved to New York. Oh, you did? The first year I was here was so depressing. That was fucking brutal, dude. So I don't know. Yeah, elders' stuff, that's a good point. I'm sure it looks good on the dating apps to be like, I work with special needs kids. Yeah, have you gotten pussy out of this? That's true. Yeah. That's a great point. That's what it's all about.

That's where it comes down. It's Dobby's world that comes down to one thing. If we're being honest, everything does come back to that. To getting pussy, yeah. To getting, yes, to fucking. It's nice to do something. That's like a cool thing to do with your life too. Yeah, and there is something to feeling good about yourself and what you do as long as you got the other shit taken care of. But yeah, maybe go work at Costco. Yeah. Get the chicken bakes going. Let's do one more, Elders. Give us something nice to go out on.

I think this one's perfect. Also, stop. Didn't you literally have a teacher who used to be a teacher but worked at Costco? Oh, fuck. No, I didn't have a teacher, but somebody... No, no, a guy at one of your shows. Oh, yeah, you're right. A guy in Providence, Rhode Island. Uh-huh.

Literally, some guy asked, I don't know how we even got into it, but I was like, what's your life like, dude? He literally quit and worked at Costco. And he said it's better. No, it did not sound like it was going good. And his girlfriend was like, he's going through a crisis. So don't be that guy. Okay, this is a good one. Link below to that piece of crowd work. Did we put it out ever? Yeah, it's out. We'll do a little YouTube pop-up for that one. Okay, here we go.

hey stav it's alex from kentucky i've got more of a light-hearted question uh i'm in my early 30s and i've got a buddy uh we went to elementary school together middle school stayed in contact i went to his wedding maybe five or six years ago but we don't talk that much um like i probably saw him a year ago he just he started sending me

memes on Instagram and random videos that aren't even related to any inside jokes or a sports team we like or our careers. They're just borderline funny, generally unfunny videos. And there's no context and he doesn't even say anything. He just kind of sends me these random videos. And at first I thought it was a mistake and he keeps doing it and occasionally I'll double heart it, but I don't really know what to do. Like ignoring him seems mean, but also...

Don't even find them funny and don't really want to keep doing it. I don't know. It's kind of weird. Let me know what you think. Damn, dude. What kind of videos? That other guy is so bad at finding good memes that it's going to ruin a lifelong friendship. And they're not even horrible. They're just mid, dude. Yeah, his friend is just sending him bad memes and he's like, I don't know what to fucking do. Yeah.

You can't. Yeah, you can't be like, hey, man, stop sending me these. No, but I think you can give feedback on the individual memes and be like, this didn't do it for me. And it'll force them to do better. That's your one 30 second autism speaking right there. Sorry, not very good. Send me a different one. I love memes. I'd like to see another one, please. I think you can do better. This one didn't really do it for me, but perhaps tomorrow you will find a better one. Yeah.

No, but don't you want to know that you're sending good memes and videos? But it's like... They're also not that close, though. Like, if Eldest sent me a bad meme, I'd be like, this sucks, you fucking loser. But...

If some guy, like a friend of mine from middle school who I've been to his wedding, but we don't talk that much, sent me memes that I hated, I would just be like, I would give him one courtesy LOL. And then I would mute him after a while. It would ruin the relationship. Honestly, putting myself in your shoes, buddy, that would fuck the relationship up for me. I think your options are to either send him good memes...

If you want to salvage a relationship, now he's a fucking full-time... Now he's the fat Jew where he has to find better memes and steal them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to have a good... You could send him better memes and try and train him that way. Yeah. Or you have to start pretending you don't use Instagram. Yeah.

Those are your options. You have to do a big post where you're like, I'm getting off. I'm getting off. For my mental health. For my mental health. Which is kind of true. And then you add everyone but him to your close friends. Or you hide your stories from him. Or you add him to the close friends only for a day. Put that post out on the close friends. Eldest, you're a genius.

And then swap it around. And then put everyone else on the close friends except him for your normal posting. You put him on close friends. You're like, got to get off IG. I've been depressed. I'll miss all the awesome memes, but it's just better for me that I stay off. And then he starts texting him. It's even worse. Those are your two options. Mailing him to his house. Mailing memes to his house.

Good luck. Good luck, my friend. We're rooting for you to keep up that friendship. And thank you to everybody who called in. 904-800-STAV if you want to leave a voicemail. Next week, we'll have our regular episode with Mateo Lane. We have a great Patreon episode.

A bonus episode coming up this Thursday with Sean Patton. You guys are going to love it. So watch out for those. Mike, thanks for coming, buddy. What do you want to plug? If I could just... Yeah, I'm taping a special in New York City. Yes. February 26th. And we'll put... We'll also put this in the description. We'll put it on the YouTube, all that kind of stuff. Sweet. Yeah, if you don't mind linking that, that'd be good. I'm excited about that. February 26th. Go see Mike.

One of the funniest comics. You're so fucking... I mean, truly hilarious. Appreciate it. I got a podcast out for smokes and I got some road dates. They're all in my Instagram bio. Let them hear them. Let's run the fucking race. We got...

Baltimore. We got Boston. We got Buffalo on Valentine's Day at Helium. We got Denver Comedy Underground the 17th and 18th of February. And then we got Hilarities in Cleveland February 19th. That's President's Day weekend. So go ahead and get your tickets for that. I'd love to see you there. Yeah, thank you. Go see Mikey on the fucking road. We, the Fat Rascal Tour is coming. We're selling pretty well. Me and Eldis will be at these dates, folks.

He'll be working the cameras. He'll be fucking doing everything. We're coming. We added a couple more dates to, I want to say, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, and something else that I'm forgetting. But who gives a fuck? Stobby.biz. Check them out. And that's pretty much it, guys. Thank you. If you like the show...

consider subscribing to the Patreon. Two episodes a week. You get an extra episode a week. And we'll see you next week with Mateo Lane. Yeah, kick some money to the creators that you like. Cancel your Paramount Plus and your HBO, which is all full of godless liberals. It's nothing but godless liberals. You don't get good family values like you do on this fucking show. Love you guys. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye.