Matteo Lane
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Welcome everybody, Best Stop This World, 904-800-STOP. Call in if you need us to help you solve all your life's problems. We have our first repeat guest.

My pal, one of my best friends in comedy. You know what? I'm going to take off the in comedy, Mateo. Just in general? Just one of my best boys. That's high praise. You know? It's funny because when you meet someone through comedy, you're like, oh yeah, I know him through comedy. And it's like, if you look at the years, it's like, oh, I've known Mateo almost a decade now.

In this very apartment, we've seen each other's penises probably six years ago, seven years ago. Yeah, I think seven years ago. Seven years ago, yeah. Good for us. We've gone through so many different of my looks. No mustache, completely bald. Yeah, you've gone through a huge... I've almost remained the same Mario character. Yes, yes, yes. I'm Luigi. Traditional. I'm the character they have to keep... They got to make new action figures of me. I have more hair. You're classic, that's right.

More hair, which is nice. More hair, more Botox. Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty much what I have. What would happen if me and Eldis got Botox, do you think? You guys would look very great. You think we'd look good? You have good skin. We talked about this on the plane that you have, like, you were like one of all the things that God has done for me. The only thing, the only solid God did, the rest of my body, big mess. You are not a big mess. You look great. Thank you so much. You were so fashionable in Paris. Thank you. That's right. And we had to have Mateo back, of course, because we need to do a recap. A recap.

that I was literally, both of us were literally Fashion Week models and I wanted to talk about it with somebody that was there in Paris. Shout out to Kid Super. He had a bunch of comedians out there and it just feels like crazy to just do that and not...

You know, at least mention it a little bit on the pod. Of course, we'll get to your questions. You know, we'll help some incels. You were great. You and Marie were so great on the first episode you guys were on. The problem is when Marie is anywhere, I'm like so entertained. Yeah, she's the best. I'm like, oh, I should say something. I fucking love her. Marie makes me laugh so much.

It's so hard. It's true. And it's hard not... It was very... We interrogated Marie. We told her to start getting flown out instead of paying for her own vacations. It was a more Marie-centric. But now we get to focus on you. I'm so boring. You're not boring at all. You're hilarious. Mateo is one of the most...

Eldest, I don't know if you know this, how many skills Mateo has is so annoying. You can fucking... He can paint. Like, he just, every time, he can sing, he can do comedy. I've seen the cooking videos. The cooking videos. He's jacked. Good looking. Good penis, by the way, folks. I saw it through the corner of my eye a couple times. Nice, nice piece on this man right here. He's got it all. Thank you.

Thanks. I am Italian. He's Italian. I know plenty of little peened Italians. I'm sure you do. Oh, sorry. Scusa. That is interesting that you have so much national pride that you pretend that everyone has a big penis in Italy. All the dicks I've encountered in Italy have been great. Interesting. If anyone's the expert here.

That's true. Thanks. That's nice of you. Do you think it self-selects for the guys with enough confidence to approach you

in Italy have large... Every man has confidence in Italy. That's true. It doesn't matter what they look like or what they do. They all have the... They exude the same amount of confidence. That's true. It is the most unearned confidence that people have had. They're like... They just look around. Look what we do. We build this. Let's fuck. Yeah, yeah. It is funny. Greeks are like that too where they have so much unearned confidence because of how successful we were 4,000 years ago.

Like, Italy and Greece both have been nothing but, like, a mess for the last hundred years. Italy, we're literally like, you know who's cool? Hitler. We're going to partner up with him. You guys have that added element to it. It's like Greece. Did you ever hear Mike Vecchione's joke about that? No, no. He's like, everyone forgets about, please, Mike Vecchione, please follow me. Because everyone forgets that Italy was a part of, you know, Hitler's side. He's like, but I think we're forgiven because of our food. People are like...

"Hey, weren't you guys on the other side? "Yeah, but look at this chicken cacciatore." - Yeah, that is true. - Like, we're forgiven. - Japan too, sushi, come on. We're all in. - I think with Italians too, like I would notice when we were in Paris, I'm used to going, you're used to Greece, I'm used to Italy. - Yeah. - They are sort of comparable in Europe as like chaos.

Absolute chaos. Parking on the sidewalk. Cars in every direction. And there's no distinguished, like nothing distinguishes the difference between a sidewalk and a street in Italy. Mountain roads, I don't know if Italy is like this. Greece, everyone's driving drunk as shit. Yeah.

Everyone's drunk. And everyone's on these winding roads. Not even the thought of a guardrail. Not at all. And no mirror. No mirror, no nothing. They'll honk when they're coming around the corner fast. That's the only safety measure. And literally, I knew drunk 14-year-olds that would drive like mopeds up these things at like 2 a.m. And it's like, this is just, you guys aren't scared? I guess when you've lived in a culture that old, Italy and Greece, it's like...

Yeah, what's life? What's life? Our life is completely expendable. I couldn't get over the... And we'll get to this in a second. But just the fact that we were walking around Paris. I'm so used to Italy. I was texting this guy that I was briefly dating who's Parisian. And I said, your streets and everything is so organized. And he goes, well, yeah, you're Italian. Yeah. He's like, you guys are a mess. It's so weird how different Europe...

really isn't how close everything is. Yeah. Like, I always had this idea because, again, all I did was go to Greece and then you look at a map and you see how close London and England... Like, I've been reading a lot of medieval history shit just out of... I don't know. I like to read shit that's gonna put me to bed, honestly. Yeah. So I picked it because I thought it'd be boring and then I kind of got into it. They were also drunk all the time. Everyone's drunk as hell. Everyone lived in a little hut with their fucking donkey. Yeah, literally indoors to animals and, like... But...

It's so interesting to me that most of European history, French and English in particular, is kings just taking turns taking lands from each other because they're right next door to each other. And it was like, how can they be so different? How can these cultures be so different when they're this, they're like a nut hair away from each other? Yeah, it doesn't... And everything is completely... Italians and Greeks, 100%.

It's the same, like, you know, chaotic. Everything is the same. France has that snooty, the snootiness that they never really got over. They still look down on England for, like, the first kings of England spoke French and just looked at the English as they're dumb. Basically, like, they're slaves. They're like, we're going to make these dumb...

dumb British farm for us while we get silks and linens and all that kind of shit and have gay sex in our palaces. Well, that part I can move on. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, huh, pal? Silk and gay sex? I don't know. But the French somehow have maintained that type of superiority. It's in the sound of the language. It's crazy. It's so... It's insane. Yeah, I almost wonder sometimes if...

a language dictates a lot of how a society, like, cultural mannerisms. Does that make any sense? It does. You know, because there is, like, if you think about Italy, it's very expressive, it's very loose, it's very, you know, so the vibe of Italy is so much different than... Germany's the best example of this, right? Oh, my God. They're just, it's like living in a fridge. Yeah. So the opposite of Mediterranean. It's crazy. And everything is, like, loud and, like, it feels like you're getting yelled at.

You're either getting yelled, but sternly, sternly, not like with passion. Yeah. Like you've messed up at your job. Not like I just caught you cheating. Like there's a difference between, um, uh,

And someone being like, I was speaking Spanish for a second. Every Italian man is almost to tears whenever they have a request of you. It's like they can be brought to tears so easily from beauty or from a minor annoyance or just needing help.

But... Can I tell you how I got the invite to Paris? Because I was a late... I was the day before. You were, and I didn't want to tell this to you because... So... I replaced Mike Tyson. So...

Damn, Mike Tyson was supposed to be there? I didn't even know that, dude. Holy. That's what everyone said. Wow, you're right. And I was like, well, most people do think of me when they can't get Mike Tyson. But I'm like Kathy Griffin. Back in the day, she's like, I have a dress ready to go. If someone drops out in Hollywood Squares, I'm in. I don't give a shit. A free flight to Paris on a private jet. I was literally... The Puma jet. The Puma.

A $60 million jet. Beyonce has been on the jet. Which, there's something humbling knowing that Beyonce pissed in that toilet. That is true. My ass cheeks and Beyonce's ass cheeks were on the same toilet. Now, I was doing a little more damage if I had to guess. After a whole weekend of eating baguettes and butter...

I had seven croissants in two days. So much steak. I feel like we had steak. Yeah. It was wild. I'm not a big steak guy. I don't know why I ordered a steak on our way there. I'm a big steak guy, and it was good. But it definitely fucked me up for the rest of the trip. Eldest could have gone, too. I offered Eldest to come, but he had to be with his girlfriend on the one week off he gets a year. I go to Costa Rica and take my only vacation for over a year with my girlfriend.

Wow. We're going to go to the romantic city of Paris with my friend Stav here. We had a great time. It looked awesome. Benny Buttcheeks replaced you. Shout out to everybody. If you guys don't know, Ben O'Brien, another member of the creative director of Stavibaby Enterprises. He came. We had a great crew. It was me, you, Ben, Santino, Ben.

Theo Vaughn was on the jet with us. That was great. It was the four of us sitting there sharing a steak. It was awesome. Chatting. It was insane. It truly was insane. And part of me was like, damn, private jets are so bad for the world. And then I was like, wow, they're going to take the jet with or without me. But also, what is it? If I'm not on it, you know. Having kids is bad for the world. That's true. I'm not going to have kids, so let me have this one private jet. I love that. You son of a bitch. But anyway.

yeah, I, I would, you guys just get the smoke, you know, they're just like polluting. Imagine if you could smoke on that plane. I mean, when I leave this planet, I'm leaving a, a, a carbon fingerprint, not a footprint. But I, I will say I was in the middle of hooking up with this Brazilian guy and

And we're like, like shirts are coming off. And I, my phone is buzzing. Like, and I'm like, Oh my God. And I could tell it was a text. I'm like, is someone dying? I was like, um, uh, perdona, man. I have to look at my phone. And it was Mark for who works for market. I don't want to say his name in French, but,

I don't either. Saying, can you go to Paris tomorrow? There'll be a flight that takes you. It's a private jet. It's for a fashion show. It's for kids who were Louis Vuitton. And I was like, what is this witchcraft? I was like, I literally said, I'll call you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I had sex. I have some cock to suck, pal. I did. I did.

And I respect that, Mateo. Yeah, I mean, priorities. But then I was like, well, they want me. So, you know, so I called him and he was like, Santino's coming in. Santino was at the cellar. So I went down to the cellar and I was like, are you going? He's like, yeah, man, go. So I was like, okay, I'll go. And then thank God you were like, get your agent involved. Because I was going to try and do it myself. I was like, okay, yeah, I'll get my agent. No, dude, you're still cum drunk. You can't be doing emails at a time like that. No, especially because my fingers will stick to the keyboard. Yeah.

Good for you for applying to any business with a hard penis. There's no way I'm so useless. I'm like, I don't care. I need to bust first before I have any discussion whatsoever. I'm so used to it. I'm like, hold on a second. Yeah. I do like that. I don't feel like you've ever hooked up with any man that I know of that is does not have that is even an American citizen. This one was definitely not. None of them. All my boyfriends are looking for green cards and I'm happy to give it to them.

This is it right now. Come find me, baby. Green card marriage. Nice. That's the name of my book. Yeah. A green card marriage. But it was awesome. I mean, if a private jet takes you to, I actually have a funny story. I fell asleep. It was great. There's a bed. We had beds on the way there. Me and Andrew Santino shared a bed, which was so gay and so cute. Yeah.

Him and I were dating fully for those two days. It was really cute. We get to Paris, and then we're in this car. And it's so funny because when you fly international, usually it feels like you're international. Now you get off. Everything's in French. You have to go through customs. There's kind of the adjustment. But this was just like a car to a plane. No security. Some French guy looked at our passports. He was like, all right, you're good. Yeah, bienvenue. And then we're like, oh, we're in Paris right now. And then...

Then we were in the car and we were like, the stars in the car. I was like, you know how it comes out in the roof of the car? The car had these weird light up little... And I was so delusional. I thought it was like a fever dream. I'm like, am I in Paris with Andrew Santino, Theo Vaughn, and Stavros with stars in a car? Man, it was fucking... Some Moroccan guy driving us silently. It was awesome. Because he hated us. He definitely did. Then we had a big breakfast and tried to stay up. I stayed up the whole day.

We were only there, we literally got there Friday. Yeah. And we left Sunday. The show was, and so we just kind of stayed up all Friday. And then the show happened Saturday and that was crazy. There's no... The fitting, of course, we had to go get fitted. Yeah, how was your fitting? I want to hear about like what... Yeah, it was interesting because they're definitely, I will say this, shout out to Kid Super for having us.

But the whole fashion and he was very he wanted to have me. But it was so funny because I think I talked to his name's Colm and he we like FaceTimed and he was like, oh, dude, I just saw your measurements. And he was like, he was like, where do you buy clothes? And it's like, you asked me, man. You asked me to be in this fucking thing.

Who says that? Where do you buy clothes? He was like, where do they even manufacture clothes? As if America is in the fattest city in the history of existence. But yeah, it was so funny because we were doing the fitting and they literally had to make, he just straight up didn't have tracksuits that were big enough for me. So his extra large, he had to add a little bit of a medium to finish my tracksuit. So if you look at the

back of the tracksuit jacket it's like you can clearly see there were two tags there was an extra large and a medium next to it shout out to Lucy the girl that she she was sewing it she was making clothes that was another cool thing about going to fashion because like obviously what the fuck do we know about fashion nothing it was cool though I gotta say you felt awesome because it's just like you're the coolest person

in there all these hot girls are tending to you constantly they're like oh does this look good they're snipping like the small your clothes have to look perfect they're doing your you know they're doing your makeup your hair your makeup yeah a French girl who could barely speak English gave me a haircut she trimmed my split ends before it happened and I was like this fucking rocks dude when I got my fitting I was the last one to get fitted so everyone had gone before me I walk in and I have no idea who anybody is and he goes we've been waiting for you all day

And I go, what do you mean? And then I saw their board with like everyone's pictures and mine was, you know, all my shirtless pictures. Like, we're just waiting to see if you actually looked like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, here I am. And then there's that guy that like, like the stylist, I don't really know what, like, everyone sort of has a title, but whatever. So he kept like, it was like a movie. Yeah, that guy was cool. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. I'm like, all right. And then at one point he goes, because they're all straight, which was shocking. He goes, did you know that Tyra Banks invented America's Next Top Model? And I go, do you think I turned gay yesterday? Well, that was a big one. So at my fitting, Tyra was like right before me. And that's like, this is a fever dream. Look how cool you look. You look so cute.

Me, you, and Santino. We are a cool little crew. But I was also... It was also funny because I even did the joke where I was like, this is crazy because I used to beat off to America's Next Top Model. That's what I...

And to be fair, to be respectful to Tyra, it was not to her because she was the host of the operation. Of course, and a judge. But they made those bitches do some wild shit. That show was so insane. First of all, they had an episode where these girls all weigh 20 pounds. And then Tyra puts all of them in those giant wind tunnel machines. Oh, yeah.

They have no training. Then they're like, okay, you have to not only float, but while winds are coming at you at 130 miles an hour, be sexy. So these frail women are just flying around. They can barely keep their bodies. And Tyra's like, fashion! Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is insane. And they all just went right back to being baristas the second the show was over. One time I saw one of them in a Chili's commercial as a host.

And my instinct, that first thought was like, at least she's working. Yes. At least she's working. But Tyra, I have to say, was the easiest, nicest person to talk to, work with. It was awesome. She was on time. She hit everything. I would have assumed she would have been like a huge bitch. You know, you just, not because of her, but because it's like insanely famous. Like,

hot model, like, you know, come out of retirement, hasn't been to Fashion Week, like, she's doing all this other shit. I just would have assumed she would have felt rightfully better than us. And she totally is better than us. And she is, but you know, absolutely, that's what I mean. Like, and she would have been, like, polite, but, like, completely kept to herself. But she was, like...

A couple great chats. It was wild. We were all sitting there in the lobby. We were ready to go to the after party. And she comes up, I think with her husband. And she was like, guys, I just went to a Five Guys. She's like, I got a chocolate shake with the bacon bits in it. It was so good. And I was like, who are you? Shout out to Tyra. It made me really want to get Five Guys. I just love that. But instead we went to the after party. Not bad. Truly the fashion world and the comedy world.

There are no overlaps. All the comics are back there. We're in one of the biggest fashion shows. The theater only fit 1,000 people. 6,000 people were trying to get in. They blocked the streets. A girl broke her arm trying to get in. Security was there. The police were called. Kodak Black was there. Kodak Black. A couple NFL players were there. It was wild. And we're back there like, ugh.

I'm like, fuck. What joke am I going to do? I need to do three. I'm going to start with the beating off. We just let you know. We made fun of the clothes. The clothes were. Honestly, I told him I want that. I want that jacket. I also need that. Where's my track? You made it for me, motherfucker. Not at home. If you're listening, there is no one fatter. You made it specifically for my fat body. I deserve the jacket.

Give me the half medium, half XL. But it was so... It was very interesting to watch those two worlds mix because when we went out there, the fashion world didn't even know really what to make of us. We were like, we came out with jokes. Yeah, yeah. That was great. And I got a standing ovation from Kodak Black. Yeah, yeah. He loved the singing. I did because... Yeah.

Well, they said to me, they're like, you sing, can you sing, can you sing? And I was like, I wasn't planning on it, but I mean, I can. So, I mean, that's an old joke. I mean, that's like way back in the day, but I was like, whatever, it's a theater, it's Paris, no one knows who the shit I am, I'll just go sing. So as I'm like, homie, I'll bop,

Like literally Kodak Black in the front row stands up with his baby. His baby. And I was like, that's interesting. But it was, I mean, afterwards it was such a cool experience. And I didn't realize how much I really enjoyed being dressed up in weird, fun clothing and that world. It is a very intoxicating world. Yeah, it really, truly was. It was like, and I mean, I guess it's different because truly for me, the thing was like,

All these hot women are like pampering you. There was definitely like an element like... There wasn't enough gays. I was really upset about it. There really was not enough gays back then. It should have been a bunch of twinks for you. I'm not someone who twinks. You know what I mean? Like a muscle... But are muscle guys doing makeup and shit? Of course they are. They're doing hair, makeup. All right. I'm sorry. What is this? We're not...

But they're lifting weights. They are. When do they have time? This is such a tacky joke, but it was like years ago. I was like, hey, man, look the most athletic. But we would walk into a gym and couldn't tell the difference between a baseball and a football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can move the weight. But there was this one guy who was interviewing us. I think he was from Spain. The thing I love about France and Paris is if you speak a bunch of languages, everyone's going to speak something. And so he was gay. He was like, we have very big fans of you in Spain.

And I was like, are you or are you hitting on me right now? Because you're the only gay I've talked to in the past two days. It was wild how there weren't more gay dudes. I was kind of upset about it. It was like, I was hoping. I was on Grindr. How'd it go? Nothing? Nothing.

Salut. Well, everyone says salut in French, but it keeps, by a little dyslexic, I look at it and I keep thinking everyone's just calling me a slut. I'm like, how do they know me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These strangers just being like, you slut. Are they slutting out? I'm interested. In Europe, are they slutting? What's the grinder culture in Europe? The grinder is the same everywhere, but it's a different language. I see. Okay.

Because here, literally, it's like, oh, I'm at the same grocery store with this guy. Maybe I'll suck his dick in the frozen food aisle. Yeah. So that's a shame because you didn't get sucked off or suck anyone off. I was talking to this one guy who was very handsome. He was working at a bar. And he's like, well, I get off at 430 in the morning. I'm like, we're flying the next day. I think we got home at 330. I was like, I was so tired. Stomper's and I got a little high at the after party. And then I got the world's worst ravioli at some 24-hour party.

Me, you, and Santino, we truly ended the night like comics because it was like Roddy Ricch and Kodak Black were going to be at the after party, but it was like 3 a.m. and they were...

it wasn't even a hint of them being there. I think they probably played at like five or something. And we were like, we're fucking leaving. We're tired. And we literally ended the night at a diner. I had a fucking chicken. Me and Santino had chicken sandwiches and you had ravioli. And we were just fucking hanging out. It was high that cheese. There was that gay guy that came up to you. Oh my God. I forgot about that.

I use Matteo Lane. And Savras goes, where can we get 24-hour food? I was like, my friend, where can we eat around here? Not even acknowledging him. No hello. Just from his phone looks up. Yeah, hey, where can we get food? He's like, um, c'est un petit place. C'est un petit cango. That guy was so taken aback, bro. I was like, Matteo's not going to fuck you. I need a sandwich. Let's get to fucking work, pal. And I was like, au revoir. Yeah. But, I mean, I...

A lot of times there's situations like comics, especially at our stage in our career, we're thrown a couple really cool bones and you can easily... But this one was like... This one was... I appreciated every second of it. I was like the flight, the hotel...

the croissants, and then our little walk, you, me, Ben, and Andrew just walking the Eiffel Tower. It was so cute. It was really adorable. Shout out to, we got to go back. If you need more models, folks, me and Mateo, we're here. We're available. We're ready to go. And we have a portfolio together. We do. We're in vogue.

We have been in vogue. Put us in your thing. We need to do a video and we should bring our guys of me with you in Italy and then me with you in Greece. 100%. Because I think that that would be... 100%. And I can't believe you've not been to Italy before. I know. It's just... I mean, I'm sure you feel... Well... I do. I know what you mean. I feel the same way where it's like, look, it's right there, but I'm in Greece. I know. That's how I feel. My family's here. I want an extra day in Greece. I don't want to go to Greece where they speak Italian.

Right. The parts that I would go to are like, you know, although I will say I do really want to see Rome, but the same, that's how Athens is too, where it's like all the history, all the shit around there, but I got to go to Italy. I want to go see Rome. It is, it's so, one thing that is really interesting to me is how the food is so different. Like,

There is not a hint of, like, yeah, we have, like, spaghetti. Like, if anything, the Greek spaghetti stuff is, like, it's all seafood-based. Like, it's, like, you know, they do, like, a shrimp or, like, a seafood. They do a real good seafood, you know, sort of just...

They call it hasta con macaronada, like lobster. Macaronia. Wait, how do you say lobster? Hasta cos. Okay, we say argosta. Argosta. Lobster tail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we don't have like... There's no... Like the pizza in Greece is horrendous. And it's so funny where you're like... Because what it is is like... It's the pizza in Greece. They don't just go, let me go next door and see what they're doing. It's... Italian food...

like processed through American mass culture. To Greece. Back to Greece. Damn. So it's like you see, literally I've seen like shitty bread with like a weird Greek specific cheese and like tomato sauce, like unflavored tomato sauce. Or you'll get like shitty Domino knockoffs, like that level of like pizza. It's truly fucking crazy. The influence with, you know, the Mediterranean usually shares flourishing

food. Rice, hummus, pita, you know, whatever. But Italy, for some reason, it is in the center of the Mediterranean Sea and it covers the north and the south of it. And it has almost zero... I mean, it does have influence. Like in Sicily, they eat couscous because of North Africa. Or like there's from the... Because Arabs used to live in Sicily, so there's a lot of like arancini and the rice and stuff. But generally speaking, it's like, what other country eats pasta five days a week? It's fucking wild. Like...

That never occurred. Again, that's what always blows my mind looking at Europe. It's like, wow. And also just Italy and Greece are so close. And in ancient times, it's like... They were the same country. Same country. It was like, you know, it was called Magna Graecia at first and then once it became the Roman Empire. And then what's interesting to me is like Greeks...

For a while, like the Greek identity based on ancient Greece is so fake. Like even in ancient Greece, everyone considered themselves a member of their city, not of Greece, right? They were Greeks, but they were like, you know, whatever. That's Italy, the kingdom of Naples. Exactly. And so it's so funny that these weird identities, because Greek food, like, yeah, it's like you think of the skewer, you think souvlaki, you think gyro, you think all that stuff. It's all grilled and...

And it's like fresh and it's like potatoes, not really, no pasta. Lemon potatoes. So it's just so fucking weird that we're so close to each other. We got to go do it. We got to do that. And we got to also do Baltimore and Chicago. Oh, that would be fantastic. We got to do the America version and then the fucking international version. I would love Baltimore pizza. Yeah. I don't think you'd get crabs, pal. But they say, I've had crabs. I've had those. But the worst was scabies. But.

The... You went back in time and fucked a pirate? I did. He put his peg leg in your ass? Ha ha ha!

But he was Brazilian. Suck his dick. The pirates, get the balls. The parents telling you what to do. It's going to itch. A Brazilian pirate, huh? That wooden leg looks different. The leg is circumcised. The leg bottom is a circumcised dick. He ejaculates. Yeah.

But I will say like the Greeks and Italians, every time I meet Greek people, they always say, uno faccio, uno razza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same face, same race. There's a lot of cultural similarities. And I think they did this survey, like what's the closest culture to Italian culture? And the top three was like Greek and then Mexican. And so, you know, it's like the sort of like. I don't, I know Greek history, like whatever, but it's like you guys must have also been

The Ottoman Empire must have been in Italy too, right? Or no? Do you know? I don't know. You don't know. I don't know about Rome. The story they say in Italy is you'll see like Ramos and Remus. Two kids sucking on the wolf. There's two kids sucking on a wolf all over Rome. It's kind of jarring. Oh really? They have that imagery? Oh my god. It's like on relief paintings and stuff like that. But yeah, the Romans...

basically enslaved the Greeks to do all of their work, all their art, all their structure, all their architecture. They stole our whole flow. They did. We stole everything that you guys did and then we, it was like, you guys were like an Ikea and then we were like the iPhone. Let's relax with that. I don't know about all that. I would say that we kind of, we were the iPhone 1. Yeah.

And you guys were like, it's new. And he just added a button. You know what I mean? We had the aqueducts, which were incredible. But no, the Greek history to me is more interesting. Not that Italian history is not interesting. I should look into more Italian history. Way more brutal. Yeah. Because I'm wondering, because it's so clear that the Greek, the influences were...

You see the Turkish and the Middle Eastern influences in our food. It's like a spin. It's like we really... Greeks don't like to hear that. Huh? Greeks don't like hearing that.

I know, but that's, I know, they hate hearing it, but it is reality. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like, and if you think, because like the Greek, actually, when you look at traditional Greek dishes, like pastitsio, it's like there is some macaroni stuff, or like there is some like casserole stuff, but it's all like villager, and there is more tomato food-based stuff. So you see the influences and like the like...

almost villager northern cuisine where it's like you can see where it's like yours is tomato and pasta ours is like tomato and like vegetable based stuff but I just wonder where the you know how the Turks must have not fucked your asses the way they fucked ours well it was the Arabs ruled Sicily and southern Italy for a while and then it was the Spanish and then I think it was the then the Italians and

So it's been... Sicily is a little more, I think, in common with Greece. It has way more in common with Greece, for sure. Because island life and the way it feels. It feels that way. It looks similar. Is this interesting to your listeners? Fuck them. They'll take it. I hope it's interesting. They'll take it. But Paris was great. I had such a good time. I...

I loved it. I loved eating croissants and speaking French. It was great. It was just a good time. What was your first... How about this? So we'll keep getting to know you more. What was your first time in Europe? When was the first time you went? I was 15. Okay. And I went to go visit Sicily. I went to go visit family and cousins and friends. Now, were you a closeted Michael's employee at the time? I was very gay. Yeah, okay. But luckily they can't detect it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just looked like any guy in Italy. I just looked like any guy. You were wearing capris. I was wearing capris.

- I was wearing Capris. They were, at that time they were wearing, I remember my cousin was wearing Capris. Oh my God, that's so funny that you said that. And I thought it was so cool. I was like, oh my God, I'm in Capris. I'm like fashion. - Maybe I'm not gay, I'm just Italian. - That was literally my trying to come to terms with it. It's like, I'm just Italian. - Yeah, that's so funny. - Oh, that's so funny. Wow, you really read my mind.

Wow, this got dark. So you were not, but you were like...

You were still just... You were still closeted and you were like, yeah, this is just a culture. I didn't come out until I was 18. And then even then, we have family friends in Messina. And I would say with them... My family lives in the middle of Sicily in a town called Montevago, which is north of Agrigento. Which actually, Agrigento is very interesting. They have Greek Parthenons from Greek settlements before Athens. And it's fascinating to go there and see them because they're really well-considered. I gotta go to Sicily. That's how I'll start. Sicily... No, you should start with Rome. Start with Rome. You need to start with Rome. You're right. But...

Anyways, so I would go stay with family friends in Messina because it's like beaches and young kids and stuff. And I remember like everything looked so gay, but it's not gay. Like you would go to the beach. Everyone's in a Speedo doing the YMCA dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, there's no irony here. Guys are kissing each other on the cheek. Yeah. But if you said you're gay, they would beat the fuck out of you. Oh, you'd go missing. Yeah.

You go missing. How dare you? Now they don't care. I mean, now if I'm like with my, you know, with all my friends and stuff in Italy, no one gives a shit now. But, you know, I mean, Sicily, there's still depends on who you talk to. But like in Rome, it's like a modern city. But yeah, the first time I went to Europe, I was 15. I loved it. I was like, wow. And I've been going back every year since. Yeah, that's all. Oh, every year. Good for you. I'm interested to see to think about that. I want to see the gap between 15 year old.

closet or maybe I'm just Italian Matteo, an 18-year-old, now I'm gay, going to Italy Matteo. What were you like at 15? Not much has changed. Because you grew up in Chicago. Yeah. Arlington Heights for those of you who are specific. Arlington Heights. It's a suburb.

Okay, so I respect, thank you for saying that because as somebody who grew up within the city limits of Baltimore, anytime somebody claims it, like our friend of the show, Sahib Singh, that motherfucker grew up in the suburbs. Okay? He didn't grow up in Baltimore. Well, to be fair, I lived in...

the suburbs until I was about 16 and then 17 and then after high school I moved to the city. Yeah, yeah. I lived in the city proper because all my friends were in the city until I was like 25. To be artsy. Yeah. In the big city. Yeah, it was, you had to escape. Of course, of course. I needed a

to be anonymous. Right. Of course. The lure of a big city. So people don't be like, he's gay. Yeah. Yeah. The three gay guys in the suburb, you know, one's in one of them is 80. And they're like, why don't you date Walter? It's like, Walter's 85 years old. He's the only other gay guy.

But you were, because it also, you also have like a bunch of gay people in your family, right? Everyone's gay in my family. Isn't that, which is so interesting. I see a faggot. You have your cousin, right? My cousin, my brother. Your cousin, your brother. Yes, and we think it's from our Mexican side because it's genetic. Yeah.

So my backstory of my mom's history, my mother is actually Italian and Mexican. So my blood grandfather is Mexican. And not like Spanish Mexican, like indigenous Mexican. And they had five kids and my mother was one of them. But, you know, it was the 50s. So he had a mistress and he had five kids with another woman.

And then he named all of them the same names so he didn't forget them. What the fuck? Yes. So two Joaquins, two Lisas, two...

They all had the same name. Same names. Same names. Oh, my God. So then my nonna found out and divorced him and then remarried a Sicilian. So my mother was probably in high school by that point. Because the pictures of my mother's family growing up was either Dagos or Mexican. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Mexicans are like, I mean, like, as Mexican as you can get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my grandma, you know, I love my grandma, but in a very unhealthy way, she was like...

We're never speaking to that family again. They fucked me. And so my mom, all her cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, all these Mexicans just bye-bye. Wow. It's super unhealthy. And my mother... I get it, though. Well, I understand. It's extreme, but I see where she's coming from. Italians are extreme. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I see. You got that cheated on to a mistress with a duplicate family. Like, not just a couple kids. Copied every single one and named them the same names for ease of remembering. Yeah.

Before she found out, she's like, oh, Joaquin is such a beautiful name. How did he come up with that? What a perfect name for our son. Yeah, he was treating his family like it was a filing system. He was like, we have to buy the same cameras here and on the road, eldest, so we know how to use them. That's how he was treating his kids, like he was running a business. What's funny is my aunt, I don't know how she did this. She somehow, my uncle, what?

Well, his name was Joaquin. My uncle Jack, she got his name changed on the birth certificate. Incredible. Which I'm like, what Sicilian shit is that? How did you manage that? So then she married a Sicilian who raised me and my mother. We were very communal raising in my family. It's like all my cousins and everything. And so my grandpa is my Sicilian grandfather, and I was raised culturally Sicilian. And...

I mean, I am Italian, but he was my real grandpa. But I did meet my blood grandfather. My mother and him reconciled. The cheater. The cheater. Yes, yes, yes. Before he died. And he was also Italian, but not Sicilian. No, he was the Mexican. Oh, he was Mexican. Sorry. So my mother... Grandma's Italian. Yes. Gotcha, gotcha. Grandma's Napolitano, for those curious. Napolitan. Napolitan.

Which is Greek based. How do you say new city in Greek? Neapoli. Okay, Napoli is how you say it. Yeah, Napoli. Oh, look at that. Another thing they took from us. Naples? I don't think anyone's...

No one's crying over Naples. Although, to be fair, Naples created opera and pizza. That's big. Those are two big ones. But she did meet her dad again, and then I met him. And then he was trying to... Look, she asked him every question, and he answered every question. Wow. You know, she was like, my mom said... Because my grandmother was trying to stop him from...

her kids. I don't want him to see how well I raised you guys. You know, don't let him back into your life. And, you know, he wanted me to get an abortion with you. Wow. Really putting the guilt in heavy. Oh, Italian. Yeah. And my mom said to him, did you want to get it? He said, yes, I did. Wow.

So, you know, to his credit, you know, even though... It was like I ran out of names. I was going to say... Elliot, Joaquina leaves us. I couldn't think of any more. So, unless it was Joaquina, I don't know what to name you. Sherry. So...

But yeah, my mother's birth name is a French-Mexican name, Cherie Maldonado. Cherie Maldonado. And now it's, she, you know, I think, yeah, she was like, I'm just marrying a white guy. So my dad, Lane, Irish. His family has zero problems. They're like, we go driving every Sunday. Yeah.

Very fun. My mom was like, yeah, we were living with my Italian grandparents because furniture was getting confiscated and my wife got five brothers and sisters with the same name. She met all her brothers and sisters at the funeral. The Mexicans. Yeah. I mean, they're half too. They're half in what? I don't know what the other half is. Something white. But they were like, hello, we're your... Yeah. We're you. Yeah, yeah.

I'm bizarro, you. But I did 23andMe and my first cousin is just some Mexican guy, Antonio Maldonado, who also did 23andMe. And it doesn't show, for some reason, I don't know what, because my family came from Italy like, what, 80 years ago? So it's like, it doesn't, no one in Italy has done 23andMe, but I have like a bunch of second and third cousins all over Mexico that are related to me. Get out of here. I'm like, that's kind of crazy. Do they tell you if they're gay and they have a little pride flag next to them to show you that they're gay? I can tell by the glasses. Yeah.

Oh, so back to what I was saying. So you were saying he runs on the Mexican side. So because of the split in my family, right? The grandkids born from the Sicilian side and the grandkids born from the Mexican side. Because I have 34 first cousins. Jesus. The Mexican side, three out of the five, gay. The rest of them, straight. So my Aunt Cindy was like, I think it's the Mexican side. And she thinks that my grandpa's brother was gay.

She was like, well, he owned a hair salon in the 50s and liked theater. She's like, and he was beaten up in high school. I mean, come on now. And I was like, you're not wrong. She's got a point. I like that she's trying to track it like it's, you know, blue eyes. Kind of. The gay gene. I kind of believe it in a way. But it's funny how genetics work because my mother got, my grandmother's very light. And so my mom got like green eyes,

Almost blonde, golden blonde hair, light skin, and my Aunt Cindy, same blood, same parents, totally dark, totally Mexican. No, that's, I mean, you see there's these like, you know, it was a meme going around, but it was like fraternal twins that were, you know, the mom was black and the dad was white, I think. And one of them looks like

She's like a redhead. She looks Irish and the other girl's like a black girl. And they were fraternal twins, like born at the same time, like minutes apart. Can you imagine the doctors trying to not make a face? Yeah, they're like, what is going on? Did she half fuck a black guy? Half.

How did she manage this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, it is because that's how 23andMe works also. It's like if you and your sibling do it, they show you what the sibling's genes, like they show you the ones that are like activated in the sibling. So it's like, you know, if like your brother, like if your aunt and mom did it, your aunt's genes would be more Mexican. Yeah, yeah. It's very interesting. So your siblings could do it and not...

get different results. Well, I look so Italian even though I'm Mexican and Irish also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know how, but I was raised culturally Italian so that's why I speak Italian. You got a real Robert De Niro thing going. He's like half German or whatever. Right. And everyone's like, he's the most Italian guy.

He's from the Godfather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel bad because I do this cooking show on my Instagram or TikTok. YouTube. YouTube. You got it. Keep naming websites. You'll get there. And people are like, how come you don't talk about your Mexican side? I'm like, well, I...

I wasn't raised... I do, but I'm like... Yeah, my Mexican side is about cheating. It's a philanderous... The patriarch of the Mexican side was a philanderer. But just him. The rest of the family seems great. It's strange to see these books of all my relatives in Mexico. And it's just... They look so nice and friendly. I'm like, it would have been nice to be raised with that...

as a part of my life. Sure, absolutely. So I'm trying as I get older to like reconnect to that. Yeah, that's a nice little, that's another thing. Do you speak Spanish at all? I do speak Spanish. Yeah. With an Italian accent. When did you start learning all these accents? Or I'm sorry, not accents, languages. Because you speak what? Italian, Spanish?

Spanish, French, what else? Some German. A little German, just a little bit? I mean, pretty good. Good for you. When did you start this? Were you like a multilingual guy in high school? Did you take a lot of stuff in high school? No, I almost failed out of high school. Really? I hated it. I was so tortured and closeted. I just wanted out. I was relentlessly made fun of. Somehow won Homecoming King. Homecoming King? Because it was all football players and choir. Interesting. So it was like there was six football players and then me, but the choir didn't have to divide their votes between the football players. Oh, wow.

So there were two queens that year. But it was kind of nice because it was like me and my friend Tantiana who I went to middle school with. It was like, oh, work. It was like, it was all white girls and Tantiana and all straight guys and then me. And we won. And still to this day, we'll message like, you know, hey, homecoming queen. But yeah,

But yeah, I started learning Italian when I was going to Italy and you just, no one speaks English. So you're just suddenly speaking Italian. And 15 is a good age to start learning languages anyways, because your brain's still absorbing. And then I learned Spanish. Well, I learned French because I guess I am a nerd. I loved this movie, The Young Girls of Rockford with Catherine Deneuve. It's a French New Wave jazz film.

And I loved the musical. That is so gay. That's the gayest movie. The gayest movie. This is the gayest. Like, the part about you sucking the Brazilian guy off, not as gay as learning a language because you saw a woman elegantly smoking a cigarette in a movie. You saw a woman with great bone structure in black and white. And you're like, I have to know the language she speaks. How stubborn do you seem to be?

I'm so transparent. Yes, that's what I want. Good for you. You also have clearly an affinity for language because no one can pick shit up. Like, Elders knows Albanian and I know Greek, but we were raised in it. You know what I mean? And like, I couldn't, I barely, I took French one

five times. You know what I mean? Like, I still don't know how to count to like 11 or whatever. I remember learning French with my friend Anais who's French and I just said, I'll just start speaking French because grammatically French and Italian really are the same. You can speak Italian with a French accent.

You're pretty good. Gotcha. So there was, I already had those romance languages. Like the bridge was already built. Gotcha. And Spanish was with Felicia, Evan's ex-wife. Oh yeah. Who's one of my good friends and she's from Mexico. Yeah. And so for two and a half years, I was like, yeah, we're only speaking Spanish. Wow. We only watch Spanish TV. Hilarious. Evan doesn't speak Spanish. Not a word.

Fucking dumbass. Fucking white dumbass. In two months, I learned Spanish. Wow. And my cousin Brian speaks Italian, and he also can understand Spanish. So then Felicia's sister Ana would come over. So then all of us are just speaking Spanish. And Evan's like, what is this infestation? But I learned so much about my Mexican culture through Felicia. And her family was so wonderful. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. But you just picked it up. That's very fascinating. So that's funny because in high school, you're saying you were just...

you weren't really learning because you were just spending all your energy pretending to be straight. Is that what was going on? Which always failed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? No matter how I tried walking or looking at the air. Did you ever have like the fake girlfriend or whatever? Of course. Oh, yeah. I dated Francesca at Michael's. We worked at Michael's together.

That's so awesome. We're still friends. She's got a husband and a pipple. That's great. Imagine the like fat, like 60 year old woman who was like, you know, at the fabric section be like, oh yeah, used to her dating, huh? I just knew exactly what was going on. She just doesn't get me. I broke up with her in the yarn section because she was cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend.

Did you guys ever hook up? We made out. We made out. That's as far as I've gone with the girls. Oh, wow. Never seen a pussy up close, huh? No. I mean, in art school. In art school.

That's awesome. And I'm not one of these gay people. I don't look at vaginas and think, ew, gross. Women are very beautiful and very sexy, but I'm sexually attracted to men. But I would have no problem. I mean, I would be interested. It would be interesting to watch me, for me to have sex with you. To try and fuck a woman. I don't know how. I would feel so bad for them.

You know what I mean? Cause it would be so not, I can barely top like, I don't know how to be a top. Yeah.

I get so much top anxiety. Of course. It's easy to be a bottom in a lot of ways. I mean, everyone at home is really confused right now. They get it. They can put it together. To be a top, it requires a real kind of energy. And I was like, I would have to pretend I'm like the Frosty the Flakes guy. Like, they're great! I'm just like fucking you or I'm guest song. It would be an acting challenge. It would be. And I don't know. You see it as an energy. Interesting. It is. And there's...

Guys in the past that I've dated where, like, I feel so comfortable with them, and then that changes everything. I'm very sensitive to other people's energies. So, like, for someone to, like... You can be more sexually adventurous when you have a real bond with someone, I think. Yeah, but that's... I'm gay, so that's almost impossible to have. So, yeah, I don't know how I would... So you gotta work your way up to topping men. I used to be a good top.

What happened? My last boyfriend was only a top, so I was like, I'll bottom. But then it sort of broke my confidence in topping. Oh, we got to get your ass fucking confidence back up. I know. I don't know how to do it. I'm sure I have a plethora of options. Yeah, that's not the issue. I just want to humiliate them in myself. Nah, you got to get over that. You need a couple slam pieces. You need a couple guys you don't care about to really get...

You need to get back in the zone with a couple guys that, and they know what's up too. I bet you people would be happy to be like your training ass. You know what I mean? That would be kind of great. Yeah. I know.

I know. I had a friend who was like, he was in the same situation. I was like, we should just practice on each other. He's like, that'd be fun. We never got to it. He got a boyfriend. But just the fact that being gay, that option is just there. So nice. But I don't know. I would like to top more. How did we get into me topping? This is what this show is about. I went from being Mexican to topping. This is what this show is about. We're really exploring it. My grandpa was really good at topping. He really was. But yeah. Is he still alive? Get him on the phone. How'd you fuck so many people? God.

Hola, Joaquin. Is Joaquin Sr. there? He didn't know I was gay, obviously. He would try and connect with me and send me birthday cards, but it was like with like big league chew. I'm like, this should have been like a Barbie dress. It's nice for the nice, you know, he called himself Jack for short. So Jack Maldonado.

Anyone last name Maldonado? That's a powerful last name. Maldonado? Maldonado sounds good. It's super Mexican. Very common in Mexico and Puerto Rico. It's better than Lane, no disrespect. No, my dad... Look, I love my dad's family, but they're just so disconnected to... They're very American. And my mother's family is so not. I mean, they are, obviously, but it's like... You can see that juxtaposition when you... You grew up only Greek. Only Greek. So imagine... You don't...

Like, I can tell by grandparents. My dad's grandparents, lovely people. But I think before they died, they died when I was in my 20s, I think I saw them maybe five times growing up. Yeah, that is a very strange thing with, like, American, I guess, you know, American white people, I don't know how to put it, but, like, non-immigrant whites. Right. Indigenous whites. Because we were talking earlier before the podcast where it was like,

We were talking about dating people, and it was like, I have had an easier time dating immigrants who are not white than a white person whose family's been here forever. I have so much more in common with any immigrant than...

than I do like somebody who just has it because there was like a coldness you know what I mean like especially when you're from a it's like I noticed my dad's family it's like well and his parents who were loving I mean but they said we had kids they grew up now you go right where the Italians never disconnect right my parents are still mad I moved out of the house yeah

They're like, until you get a wife, you live here. Right. That is still in their heart. That's the way it is. Yeah. I saw my mom's face. Which is also crazy, by the way. But there needs to be a little middle ground. There just needs to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's embarrassing. He's like a 45-year-old man. But even my little... I mean, go to Greektown. When you come to Baltimore, we'll show you. You can tell because they have like $100,000 cars parked outside of the townhome they split with their mother still. Yeah.

And then she does their laundry and everything. Are there that many Greeks in Baltimore? Yeah. I mean, the neighborhood is definitely like a lot of people have moved out. A lot of people moved to the suburbs. But honestly, it's still a really good. It's still pretty Greek. Yeah, yeah. For sure. I mean, one of my brothers moved out. One is still there. My parents still live there. I want to run a joke by you. I did an off the cuff. I was at the cellar the other night and there was this girl who was Greek and Italian.

So I started going in on her and I was telling all these jokes about Greek people and it's like, Oh, this is actually really funny. But it's so, I don't know if Greeks would like in those moments, you know what I mean? Like it works in the room, but you put it online. Obviously it does like different context to it, but I might edit it and send it to you to be like,

How do you feel Greek people would interpret? I'm not saying anything racist. I'm just saying like, how would they interpret? Because I talk about my friend Sophia's mom reading our coffee cups and she'd read mine and she'd be like, because for Greeks, they do something called tessography, which is like tea leaf reading where they have like... Did Albanians read coffee, Hildes? Yeah, and we called it Turkish coffee. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cut your own mic for the remainder of the episode. It's Greek coffee, you motherfucker. No, Turkish coffee. He couldn't wait. Look at his fucking face. Look how happy he was to say that. Sacrilegious bullshit. It is Greek coffee. Those treacherous Ottomans took a lot from us. I really struck a nerve. I didn't think it was going to go there.

It wasn't you, it was Eldest. He knew. He knew what he was doing. The Turkish burn their coffee a couple times. The Greeks do it just once. I think that's the difference in the coffee. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, we do it just once. But her mother would read our fortune, and she'd read mine, and it is fun and interesting, and she'd say, you know, you have, you have, her name is Daphne, you have, you over here, you make money. Look at this road. Look at this road. Where are you going? Yeah.

I see a snake. Who is in you? Who is using you? You know? Yeah. And then she'd read Sophia's. This says that you're a bitch. Like she's just yelling at her daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. Absolutely. No, we definitely do that. My mom and my grandma did that for years. I would love to have your mother read my fortune. That would be great. She still does it. Yeah, absolutely. We're going to Baltimore, baby. We're going to do it.

Good morning, Baltimore. I love John Waters. I've read most of his books. He's around. When we would go, the bars we would go to in Baltimore, he would hang out at. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote a great book called Role Models, which I think all comics should read. It's just very fascinating to see his interpretation of people he was obsessed with and stuff like that and redemption and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, he's the best. I mean, shout out to John Waters, obviously, Baltimore legend.

I love Divine in, like, I think it was Flamingo. What's the movie called? Pink Flamingo. Yeah, Pink Flamingo. Where they were interviewing Divine. She's a drag queen from the 80s. And they're like, what's your political stance? Kill everyone. Murder everything. Eat shit. Die. Like, shit's so... It's really... Did you know that Divine, she...

was about to... She was cast on Married with Children right before she died. And she was about to break out into mainstream... Because incredible. So funny. In a way, she's immortalized in such a beautiful way. For sure. A legend. But she shouldn't have died so young. But...

Yeah, I love Divine. And she inspired Ursula. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. Fucking drag queens are great. They really are. How progressive in the 80s to have Divine. I know. They really are hilarious. Well, to base a character and not give her any credit.

It's actually traditionally what happens to marginalized people. That's correct. That's a great idea. Let's give another lady, let's give a straight woman that role. Although even whoever played Ursula was great. All the auditions I get are still, as far as we've gotten, if you're gay, because I don't know how to be straight. I have gay voices. So of all the languages I speak, I can't speak straight. And yeah.

But all the roles are still all the same. You get them, and it's the best friend who's got sassy quips, who has zero merit or zero, you know what I mean? Just in there to be sassy. Just in there to be sassy. And, I mean, part of it is I am. I am the friend who's sassy. You know what I mean? Like, that's who I am. Well, listen, bro's flopped, so it's going to be another 10 years, Mateo, okay? Give me another 45.

I think that. Yeah. What a while. I never saw it. Fire Island was great. Fire Island was really good. Fire Island was really good. Joel, Kim Booster, Matt Rogers, and Bo and Yang are just, they're just, you know, the best. Yeah. But, and, fuck, can't believe I'm, Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho. I just, I kind of met her on and off, but I just did like a full two hour podcast with her the other day. That's awesome. And,

She rules. Oh, she's... Yeah. She's undersung. I fully remember, like, one of my first memories in comedy, because I didn't have, you know, we didn't have cable, we didn't have anything. She had the sitcom. Yeah, All-American Girl. All-American Girl. And I remember seeing it and then seeing her Dr. Katz. Actually, I think at your house...

Because Dr. Katz, you had cable, didn't you? Yeah. And then kind of going backwards and finding her shit out. Because I wasn't exposed to too much stand-up. I'm the one that I want. That stand-up special is probably one of the best stand-up specials of all time. Yeah, she's great. Revolutionary. I mean, you know, and yeah. She looks cool, too. She's got tattoos. Oh, yeah, she's great. And she just knows herself so well. I love Margaret Jones. Which is so important in comedy. That's truly the biggest thing. I mean...

Everyone loves, everyone loves, you have to be technically gifted, right? You have to know how to write a joke or be a great performer or hopefully some combination of those things. But really, what really is important in stand-up comedy, the more I get into it and the older I get into it, is like having an authentic perspective that only you can pull off. Because people can steal your jokes, they can even steal your mannerisms, but they really can't tell, they can't steal that kind of authenticity. And I think that's like,

That's what... I mean, or maybe that's just what I have started really valuing more than anything. But like... And that's what I think is, you know, so great about... Well, it's maturing. She's super funny, but she's so... Completely understands herself and everything is from her perspective. And that's really fucking hard. Is fully not relying on the tropes. Not relying on like the fat jokes, the gay jokes, the whatever. And it's like... Or just doing it just enough that's, you know, true to your...

you know, existence or whatever. But I remember just talking about, cause sometimes when you travel with other comics, do you start to pick up certain mannerisms? So years ago, me and Lisa Trager, who's one of my favorite comedians. And I lawed is literally, I think she's one of the most naturally gifted comics. Very funny. You got to get her on here. And she's phenomenal in a way. If you've not seen it, you should look her up. She's phenomenal because an audience watching her,

We'll see her and not understand what she's doing, whether it's calculated or whether it's just off the cuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her punchline could be like a sigh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've seen that, like a shrug and a sigh, murder. She definitely has an incredible physicality. But I remember we were on the road with each other. We first started in comedy, and we were doing these double headliners at these D clubs. I remember that, yeah, yeah. And, I mean, just bombing for hours on end. Yeah.

And it was so funny because we started to pick up each other's mannerisms. One day she was like, I think I'm doing you. I think I'm doing you. The funniest thing ever, we were sitting at lunch one time and we're outside in Cleveland, outside of Hilarity's. We ordered lunch and this homeless guy comes up with a flower and goes up to Lisa and goes, there's two parts to this. He goes, can I offer you a rose for the pretty princess? And she goes, no. And he walked away. And right when he gets out of her line of vision, she goes, princess of what?

That's a great question. That's what you...

She should have directed him to you. He would have had more luck. I love Lisa. All that stays. So funny. Look, we've very gotten to know you, Mateo. People already knew you, but let's take some of this knowledge. Let's solve some of these problems. Okay. Let's pull some problems up for us. The convo was so good. We were riffing so well, but we got to solve these motherfuckers' issues here. Here's with the first question, Eldis.

And you know, yeah, you gotta fucking play a sound or something. Hey, Stav, love the show. You know this happens every time you fucking dunce.

Hey, love the show. Have a bit of a conundrum. So my best friend since like middle school just drunkenly confessed to me that he fucked my girlfriend at the time in high school, which was 10 years ago. Oh, no. I don't know. Like, I haven't talked to that girl in years. There's no like emotional attachment to her, but it's kind of shitty that he fucked my girlfriend. Yeah. And

I don't know, like, do I chalk it up to him being a shitty friend or like, do I say, oh, he's just like trying to get his dick wet like 10 years ago. So, you know, it's a long time ago, let me forget. But I don't know. What do I do? Do I cut this motherfucker off or do I just get over it? Thanks, Seth.

Oh my god. That's a tough one. Well, I think it's in high school and it's 10 years ago. And he's been your friend since. I think you chalk it up to this is something shitty you did in high school and you should have said something to me but we didn't have the emotional capacity to one, deal with

that kind of conversation at that time now he's obviously told you i would say work through it yeah so 10 years since high school so let's say they're 26 now yeah right does that mean 16 26 16 years old let's say 16 or 18 26 28 like i'm trying to think if elders did this to me i would be like what you fucking piece of shit yeah i guess in like so out of context

I'm like, that is pretty shitty. And don't get me wrong, it is shitty. Well, you would laugh because it'd be like, yeah, your friend fucked your friend at Michael's. Yeah, she needed it. Yeah, Tatiana. Let Francesca get it because I was not delivering. You were fumbling on her tits. I didn't get that far. Um...

It is shitty, but yeah, cutting him off, if he's been a stellar friend in every other sense, you don't want to do that, right? Right. If he's been a great friend, and also if this is the one thing he did...

Well, give him the chance to apologize and make amends. I mean, has he been good to you for the past 10 years? Yeah. You know, he obviously felt bad about it. He didn't have five other kids with another woman named all the same names. And my mother forgave her dad. So, you know, it's not that bad. But I love that this is the most emotional this straight man's ever been. 100%. No, this is devastating for him. Are you kidding me? What he wants to say is like, I feel emotionally violated that my friend who was supposed to have my set, but instead he's like, oh, I'm in a conundrum. Yeah.

Fuck my girlfriend. Now, so he fucked her while they were dating? Like she cheated? He cussed him? She cheated on him with his best friend in high school. And then they broke up and then they never talked about it until now. He said he drunkenly confessed to him. I would say you have to put this in the greater context of your friendship. Because look, people also have these weird frenemy relationships, right? Where it's like... My friend Nick Smith, I hate him. Yeah.

Where it's like, especially in high school, you have those weird relationships where it's like, yeah, were you always, like, did you always kind of root against me? Were you not, did you not have my back? Yeah. If there was this kind of weird thing where you're not, you know,

Now, does this open up a whole other thing of like, wow, he fucked, you know, he fucked a bunch of, did he do other shit behind my back? Like, if it ruins the trust, that's one thing. Like, again, I'm putting this in a real world example of like, I have my best friend right in front of me here. And if he fucked a girl that I wanted to fuck, none of us were getting pussy. That's the, that's the, that's what's really hard here is we didn't start fucking until our 20s. So it's like, let's, I guess let's move to our 20s then.

But I don't care about any of those girls. Like, truly. It would just be more of a thing of, like, can I trust you? You know what I mean? I don't know. It would be hard. Even if, like, you don't care about the girl and you know, like, it's in the past. It would be weird. It would make you pause. It would shift everything you fundamentally know about this person. Like, that's the thing about... No, that's... I mean, that's a bit... That's a tad too far. No, it's not, though. Like, your best friend... In high school? High school, I guess you're... But...

The things we were doing in high school that you just don't... There's no foresight. There's no thought to it. Your brain is literally growing. Your body is full of hormones. I think high school would be easier to write off than even early 20s. Early 20s. Because I moved to the... 21 and 16 are two different universes. Yeah, you're right. You're right. They are two different universes. 16, I mean, you just started driving. That's a child. Yeah, it's a child. That is a child. And probably... And what if his friend had never gotten any pussy before? And the other...

and the ex-girlfriend was like a dumb bitch who was trying to fuck, you know what I mean? Like, context also matters here. Like, was he going behind your back trying to fuck? I mean, a little of it matters, but ultimately, I think if this is a really good friend, and you can chalk this up to he made a mistake when he was a kid...

you can kind of put him on probation almost, you know, and like prove that you're still the same guy, prove that I can still trust you, you know, but if it, but also if it does change it for him,

You can't control that either, right? Like if this guy is like, can I even trust this guy? Does this, you know, did he lie to me then? What's going to stop? Did he lie to me in college? Did he lie to me there? If it also affects you that way, that's fair too. You also have to see how you feel about this because everybody is different too. But if the friendship means something to you, try and have redemption and try and have a conversation about it.

You at least owe it that, I think. To yourself, even. You don't want to lose a friend over a girl from high school that you don't care about, either. Hey, Stav, love the show. I have a bit of a conundrum. Also, since middle school. So, yeah, you have to look at it in full context. You have to think about what kind of friend this guy is to you. And you really have to think about what's worth it for you. But I think high school, you should be okay with...

But, you know, what's interesting, and we'll move on, but if he had known about this in college, like now we can say that, right? Right. As 30-year-olds. College is too close. But if he had found out about it in college... It would have been over. It would have ruined the relationship. So it is a little bit of this guy... So the friend obviously wants his friendship and felt he fucked up. That's why he didn't tell him for so long. And then it couldn't hold on to the guilt anymore and admitted it to him. And I think that if he had already admitted that, he would have admitted whatever else he had done wrong. True. So...

Yeah, doesn't change it, but it's truly up to you and you really have to think about... I think you give him a shot on almost a probationary thing and think...

Is he still my friend? Has anything really changed? And if you feel like it has and it fundamentally shifts for you, that's totally acceptable for you. But I think you owe it to yourself to give it a shot and really talk about this and make sure he hasn't fucked you over in any other ways. Or just listen to my mom's story and you'll feel better. Yeah, that's true. That is true. Hit us with another one, Eld. Hey, Stav. Just want to...

Got a little story. I hooked up with this total goth babe in fucking college. And, you know, broke it off. And...

Like back then. This was like six years ago. This is the first time he's ever talked. Or something. Yeah, not a lot of good communicators on the show. I sent her a Facebook message long saying like, hey, we should meet up again, you know, as long as like totally desperate at the time. And I know it came off that way. And I deleted Facebook because of it.

So I was like, how do you think I could get back in it?

So he lost half of what he said, a little bit of what he said. I don't think he knows his problem. But, I mean, this is hysterical. He's like, how can I fuck... He was like, I fucked this girl six years ago. I tried to contact her in a way that was so embarrassing, it led me to delete an entire social media account. Hey, Stav, how do I bounce back from that? Bad news, pal, you don't. You're fucked. Yeah, that's...

Yeah. No. The answer is no. Sometimes there's no solution. I know. And it's tough. Listen, you clearly don't get a lot of good pussy. You got some black lipstick marks on your dick six years ago. Or go to Hot Topic and hang out and find someone else. Now he's six years out of college, 27. Don't go to Hot Topic. Children are going there. Spencer's. Yeah.

I kind of disagree here. I think he has a path. That says a lot about you. I think he has a path to at least double down. To get his Facebook back. Sorry, you might have noticed that my Facebook was deleted the other week, but now it's back. Anyways, coffee? Bringing the Facebook back is no big deal because she probably didn't even notice he deleted it or didn't give a fuck. She noticed, but... Was the message read?

That's a good question. Even if it was red, who knows? Maybe she just fucked some really hot dude or was on some good path. I'd say give it six to nine months. You can bring your Facebook back before then.

But give it six to nine months. Let the impact of that thirsty-ass message wear off. And then double down a little more simply. Don't go straight to, do you want to hang out? Just be like, sup, how's it going or something. And who knows? Who knows where her headspace was when she saw that? Who knows when it's going to be in the little just under a year. This is not a man who has six months, Elvis. You know how criminally horny this guy was when he... Also, his phone's barely working. I don't even think...

It's been six years. You can wait nine months. This is a man who is so horny. He found himself so down bad that he was like, who's the last hot girl that fucked me? He had to go back six years and he hit her with a Facebook message that was so embarrassing. He deleted his account. You think this is a man that can do long-term strategic planning? It's out of the question. I think he could. I think he just needs to let it simmer a little. Let the impact wear off. Wear off.

Work on himself a little, maybe date some other girls, but I think he can at least double down. I think just that, the latter. Just work on yourself and date some other girls, not the fantasy of some god girls six years ago. You have nothing to lose with a double down. No, just saying what's up. He lost everything. He has nothing to lose. He lost his Facebook. Yeah, he lost the ability to see which one of his fucking uncles is queuing on now, Eldest. Now, look, okay.

I see sort of what you're talking about, right? In theory, he has nothing to lose with a double down. But that's a have eight irons in the fire strategy. This man has no irons. He's not even close. He's in a mountain with a pickaxe trying to mine iron ore right now. He's so far away from being close to fucking anyone. But the second part is right.

Just work on yourself. Try and date somebody else. This was a high point for him, dude. He's trying to get glory. It's like Uncle Rico talking about throwing a football over the mountains. We've all been there. We all remember the best, the hottest person we've ever fucked. And we think about... I know it's Tuesday. Give it up to him, Mateo. I have certainly found myself, you know...

Longing. Yeah, lonely longing where it's like, it's not even like a can I fuck someone? It's like, oh, I miss someone, whatever. And instead of doing the work to build up a new relationship, go on some first dates, find a person you like, it's so easy to be like, why don't I just hit up

you know, four girls I've loved. Maybe one of them's life is bad enough to DM me back. But that's a loser's mentality, Eldest. Then I'm a loser. That's a loser's mentality. And that's what we have to... Look, buddy, you can't... This is over. Think of it as over. Try and fuck some other people. Try and build some new relationships. And...

If in six to nine months you have a little more self-esteem and you want to give the Sula method a chance and hit her with the, what can I lose to reply? And I see what you're saying, Aldis. There's nothing lost in replying to an Instagram story and being like, damn, that's wild. And seeing where it goes, you don't lose anything except your dignity. This man doesn't have much of that, right? That's clear. I think though, buddy, you're fucked. You really fell flat on your face. You basically...

If he had given one respectable message, and it's still a good chance she rejects him then, let alone he embarrasses himself. I think he should come out. He might solve some problems. He could also try bringing the Facebook back.

Unfriending her. Wait a few weeks. Unfriending her? Wait a few weeks and try to re-add as friend. Or yeah, maybe take it to another platform. You're out of your mind, Elvis. If she re-adds, you don't know. You're out of your mind, bro. You've been in a nice relationship too long. You have no idea how it is out here, bro. You really don't.

I mean, certainly I can't. It's like I haven't been in on again, off again situations, but not six years later. Like, think about a girl you fucked six years ago. I'm trying to think what is it? Well, every once in a while, like I'll see someone on Instagram that you still follow. I'm like, hey, they're pretty hot. And you'll be like, hey, stranger. My favorite stranger. Yeah, I'm 33 now. Twenty seven. OK. All right.

Yeah, you know what? All right, I take it back. Six years isn't that long. Yeah, I was 30 six years ago. There's definitely people I hooked up with six years ago that I still follow on Instagram. And if shit was going, if you caught me in the right thing, whatever, I might give it a shot again. I'm just saying if... But I wouldn't fucking embarrass myself so bad that I'd have to delete my fucking social media. Just write it off.

Just assume it won't happen. And if you think you can try one more time just for the fuck of it and it won't emotionally crush you or make you feel like shit to get rejected again knowing that that cringe message is right above the new one. If you can live with that genuinely with yourself. I don't think he can. I don't think he's gotten this much out of this message. Yeah.

I thought this was a one and done. Eldest will surprise you what he's passionate about. I was ready to move on 15 seconds in. No, before I even finish it. I was like, Facebook next. You can always double down. There's always a chance for a double down. All right. Hey, buddy. You know what? Take Eldest's advice. Call in. Let us know how it goes. If this works, Eldest gets a raise.

I probably gotta head out here soon. I have to get a COVID test for, I'm shooting this thing Thursday. No worries. Why don't we do, can you do one more? Yeah. Let's do one more here and then maybe we'll do one, maybe, Elders is in a talkative mood, maybe we'll do one without you after that.

All right. There's Stavi, the pride of Maryland. What up, man? How we doing, buddy? Love the Ravens game. Recaps from Ronnie. Hope to catch you on tour soon. Thank you, my friend. My situation is I'm 28, currently in grad school. Last year I was with this chick for about seven or eight months. I was really feeling her. This was the first time I could kind of picture myself with somebody, see a future. And then school got busy. I did my best to make time to take her out, do fun stuff with her. The shit went south and we split.

Three months later, I'm still thinking about her a lot more than I'd hoped by now. And it's tough because I just started seeing this new girl. And when I'm with her, it's all good. But then when I'm alone at night with like, you know, the lotion, the sock, it's old girl I'm thinking about. I know this is a classic tale, but just want to see if you could spare any words of wisdom on getting over an ex. Appreciate it, big dog. Thanks for the laugh. Send her a Facebook message. Yeah, send her a Facebook message. We both sighed at the same time. This is a tough one. I get this one.

I think that... What did he say? It said, I did my best to take her out and do fun stuff with her, but...

Shit went south. He fucked it up, basically. I want to know what went south. So he didn't give her enough attention. I think yes. I think probably... This is part ego and part feeling. So a lot of times when someone breaks up with you, it's very common in men to have... It's sort of like a feeling of ego of like, my pride is hurt. It's like, well, this is something that I thought was unconditionally going to be mine just because I said so. And it's gone and it made me reflect on myself. So I think that there's...

There's part of you dealing with, like, how his behavior was, and maybe he feels subconsciously that if he goes back to her, that will somehow resolve or redeem his bad behavior. But, you know, look, he could have also really liked her. I think another possibility here is, yeah, is that he regrets not putting a little more effort. In hindsight, what he thought was, like, too much effort, he's like, I would have given ten times to, like...

Continue to be with her, right? But things are rose-colored in the past. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. I would say after six months, if the feelings are the same, I would reach out to her. Yeah, and look, I think the reality here is like,

Yes, maybe, but he's also dating somebody and he says things are going well with her, but that he, you know, things are going well when he's with her. But then when, you know, when she's not there, when that girl's not there, he thinks about the girl before him. And I think before her, sorry. And I think that's just, I really just think he has to not even, don't even give him that, like, if you're still thinking about it, reach out.

Because I think part of you will just be like, all right, I'm going to keep thinking about her. I think he has to completely write that off. And in terms of getting back with exes, I think you have to fully go through a breakup, heal, and then only when you are fully not in the middle of a breakup, then you can decide, is it worth going through this potentially all over again? Because...

You don't want to continue going. You don't want to, like, go back to the well. And you also want to give this relationship a real shot. I mean, he basically sounds like he doesn't want anything. He's like, ugh, I'm dating this new girl, but I jack off to the other girl. He's like, well, that's nice. That is... I will say what is... It does help you to date... The only thing that really helps... To get over someone, get under someone? Yeah, not just... Yes, in a crude way, sure. But not just get under them. Like, look, I've...

I still... There's people... There's a girl I've dated where I'm like... I'm in a similar position where I fucked it up and I regret how... You know, what I did. And we were never seriously dating and it was the kind of thing where I...

I always made excuses. I was busy. I was doing this. I was doing that. And I just assumed, like, I dated a lot of girls casually. And when we broke up or when something would happen, I would be fine. And then I found out after the fact, oh, no, I really had real feelings with this girl. And I've hooked up with a bunch of other girls since then. But I still...

She's the one I can't get over. And it's not to get under someone. It's start a real relationship, start having real feelings for another person. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And that's the hard one. The time helps sort of...

Manage the feelings of ego and wants versus needs. Yeah. You know, and helps you get a better perspective. You know, I just think also you're right. Dating other people also does just open up your scope, your vision a little bit. You know, sometimes we become hyper-focused on one thing like that guy in the...

And you might just be missing intimacy, right? It's intimacy. But it's also like not being... It's like when you're working on a joke and you're stuck. You need someone else to come rip you out of the place you're in to sort of open up your vision. So he might need to... Shift your perspective almost. He should also probably be changing up his routine. Like do things that are different that puts you in different places so that you're not feeling so monotonous. So that this girl you're thinking of in the past is the only thing that...

kind of brings you comfort. Like, you should really kind of change up your schedule. Yeah, I mean, that's probably true. Your whole... Change... Get a new name, move to a new country, learn a new language, get a new passport. Forget about her! I also... But I do think he's relatively young, right? 28 in grad school and probably hasn't had that many real relationships. And I think, look, this is part of growing up and realizing who you really want and what you really want. There's people that it didn't work out with us.

that in a different context maybe it would have but without those experiences without knowing oh I really liked how she how this person treated me in a relationship you wouldn't learn about yourself and maybe that's a little bit of that too is like maybe you learned a little bit from this experience about what you want from a partner a girlfriend whatever so just take it on the chin I think you have to write it off completely and just get over it completely and actually give this relationship a the one you're currently in a real try uh

But maybe this girl you're with right now isn't it either. And you just have to write it off, try and get better, you know, try and get off of the heartbreak or the regret or whatever the fuck you're feeling. And then just move forward. And look, if you're fully past it, if you try and get through the feelings and she comes up again, she reaches out, you reach out, that's one thing. But in my experience...

If it didn't work out and you keep going back, it becomes a mess. Yeah, it does. Very, very rarely. And I've had relationships that started on again, off again, and were very meaningful relationships to me, but they didn't last, right? So it's like if you're looking for something that lasts...

I don't think you're going to find it going back to the well. And if it does happen with somebody that you used to date, I think the only way it ever works is if it's almost like a coincidence. Yeah. And you're over it and you guys bump into each other at a completely different phase of life and you're almost different people. So move on, buddy. You're a relatively young guy.

you know, keep trying it and I think you'll be okay. We're rooting for you. Our pal Mateo, you got to go, buddy. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, my friend. Anything you want to plug? Sure. I'm on tour. Go see Mateo. So funny.

It's called the Al Dente Tour. Love it. Love it. MateoLaneComedy.com. I had so much fun. I'm so happy to be asked for a second time. Of course. Are you kidding me? Real quick, I love that when I commented on your post, so many people were like, you guys are friends? Yeah. You guys know each other? I know. And I'm like, yes. Yes.

It is funny that people don't understand the comedians. Like, how far and how shitty of, like, the places we met were horrific. Horrific. The shows we did. Like, you mentioned Fire Island. It's like, I know Joel a little bit. The way we met was we did an open mic at a gay bar in Astoria. I think it was called the Albatross or something. Yeah.

And maybe Lisa was there too, actually. Sounds about right. It was fucking, and it's like people now who are like, you know, everyone's doing, you know, we're doing great, knock on wood, whatever. It's like we used to do dog shit. Dog shit. We were in the worst shows you've ever fucking thought of in your life. And that is the bond when comedians start doing well and we've been friends for so long. It's like we've been through some hilarious stuff.

Well, I think, too, it's almost a little, it's a little like when you start to become more like a brand or something, which is such a gross term that people use in LA all the time. But in other words, like, you become the thing, right? So it's like Stavros, like, this is, you fully realized who you are, right? Right, right, right. So here you are. So in a way, it makes you almost like a character, like a superhero. So it's like watching, well, why is Magneto hanging out with the Green Lantern? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Those worlds shouldn't combine. It's a crossover episode for people that are familiar with us as not as people, but as like types of comedy. As separate. But it's like, yeah, we started together doing shitty, shitty, shitty shows. That's right. Bombing. Big time.

And here we are. Go see Mateo, everybody. Thank you for doing it, Mateo. Thanks so much. I had fun, guys. Me and Eldish are going to do, maybe do a couple more. What do you say, Eldish? Is that cool? Is it rude of me to just continue the podcast? No, I'm going to call Uber while I'm in here. Okay, great. Go ahead. I'll just play one. Maybe the next person will get a little bit of Mateo's wisdom. Bag it.

Hey, come on. Ellis didn't deserve that. Oh, Ellis. Hey, Stav. Wanted to give you a call. I'm 24 years old and starting to go bald. Right. I'm taking one of those medication keeps or whatever, but not doing much and it's going. So I'm starting to accept it and

You know, I guess it'll obviously affect the way I look, but I think really what it's starting to do is just kind of take a hit on my confidence and kind of mental health. So just wanted to know your opinion on that. You know, you've got a great head of hair rocking the back. Absolutely. But, you know, I just kind of wanted to hear what your perspective on this is from a mental standpoint. All right. Okay, Carlos is coming in a minute. Okay.

I just got hair transplants. They are literally growing in as we speak. It takes like four to five months. I've never had so much hair. I was losing my hair. It's denial for 10 years. Like it's bad haircut. It is a self-confidence booster and I totally believe in people being able to do something special for themselves. There's

there's a plethora of places you can go that are affordable to get your hair done. You can get loans, you can get payment plans. I would find a really good doctor and I would go and I would, I would have a consultation because just a consultation with a doctor who is specifically working in that field. There's also a plethora of other ways to get your hair to grow besides just surgery. This is the most extreme, but, um, it's trying them all. It sounds like, yeah. So I would, I would definitely go talk to someone if that's something that bothers you. Cause it bothered me for 10 years and just having hair, um,

new hair for a month, I'm going to be unstoppable this summer. I love it. I love you guys. I'm going to be in and out of here. Thank you so much. Talk to you soon. When does this come out? Next week. Next Monday. So I can post about it. I will. Bye, guys. Bye, buddy. You heard that. That's good. That's good that we have two different views on the question.

You know how the fuck I'm rocking with it, bro. But what Mateo says is right. If it's something that bothers you, if it's something that you really, you know, that is really going to affect the way you feel about yourself, then it's worth experience. You know, then it's worth looking into everything. Now, I personally think that it's not that big a deal. Women like a bald guy, I'll tell you, you know, like, but that's not what you're doing it for. You're doing it for yourself and it's your own confidence, right?

And if you don't have the confidence, then yeah, think about other stuff. Personally, I love, I don't know, there's a real power to looking fucking stupid and not giving a fuck, right? There's a power to picking everything that society says is ugly and being like, it's working though, ain't it? You know, there's something to confusing people with your very existence. I don't think you got that in you, pal. Yeah.

I don't know, you know, you have to make a decision. I think shaving your head is a good look. I did that for a while. I don't think you have the ability to pull off the bald pony. That's a fucking high-level maneuver. And like Matteo said, maybe you look at the surgery, you know, and you really think about it. You'd be surprised how many people have that, by the way. A lot more. It's weird that people don't, you know, men don't really talk about it. It's like...

shameful to have surgery. It's like, you know, women have plastic surgery, but men never do. I know I say this from a place of privilege, but the bald guys really, it really is like a mental thing when you're going bald. It does destroy some people. And if you can come, if you come across it stronger than,

That's an even, you have even more, you're proving something more if you could just be like, yeah, what, who gives a fuck? But no, most people don't. Yeah. And that is like, look, The Rock, Jason Statham, you know what I mean? Like you can be a fucking, like a lot of Eastern European people that don't even, guys that don't even think to think, to have low self-esteem. Yeah. Um,

But yeah. Just think of like how many cool people there are who are fucking bald. Yeah, exactly. And like... Nobody gives... That's the other thing. It's one of those things where you decide how much it's going to affect you. Right. Because the world doesn't. Yeah. A lot of people are bald as fuck. Yeah. And again...

It's not even an attractiveness thing because some women actually like it. Yeah. Like that's their thing in a weird way or at the very least it doesn't bother them. Obviously some aren't. Some like want a fucking full head of hair. Yeah. So it really is your own thing. It's the same thing with like gray hair or something. That's such a big thing. I mean I've gotten some gray hairs and definitely like whoa what the fuck.

But you can look like a piece of ass Yeah yeah Think like how many Just sexy ass people Like there are With like gray hair Come on dude Men and women Oh dude A woman with gray hair Is hot honestly I'm trying to think Who the fuck Who's the lady I saw With gray hair That I wanted to fuck I don't know It's just men For some reason That I'm thinking about Clooney Come on Yeah Clooney looks great I'd suck off Richard Gere still Richard Gere Of course dude

I was thinking maybe once I was thinking my whole life has been zigging and zagging I cut the first sign of starting to go bald I buzzed it because I was like I'm going to get ahead of this I think I was what 20 probably

Yeah, maybe a couple years older, but yeah. I don't think, dude, I think I was 20 because I didn't even do it at the end of college. I did it like in the middle of college. But yeah, 2021, most people were still like, I started thinking about, it started feeling that way. I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to be this. And now when you're 30 is when people start buzzing, I grew it out. So what I think I'm going to do is when I'm like 50, that's when I get plugs. Yeah.

I'm going to get plugs when I'm 50 or maybe 60. Just an old man with long ass hair, beautiful head of hair. So... Even like...

You're shaving your head is like a great example Because like for a while it was like Damn Savage just like shaved A shaved head guy And you were rocking it You didn't think twice of it It's crazy to think back on that Because I was like a whole different look A whole different person almost And then when I went completely Because I kept it like a little bit for a while And then when even that was like alright man You're bald I was like fuck it skin And that was a powerful look too I was looking good back then

And now, whatever the hell this monstrosity, whatever you want to call it, on the top of your head, you know, you're making that work too. And it's hard to imagine you with like any different, any different. I know. I look at my, I look, I was like, I can't believe I didn't have this shit longer.

I was like, why didn't I grow this beautiful? But it worked at the right time. So it's up to you, buddy. I don't know. Maybe we should do that. If this podcast hits $100,000 a month, I will get hair plugs. That's the official. You heard it here first, folks. $100,000 a month, I'm getting plugs. All right, let's do one more, Eldest. Let's finish off. Let's finish off strong here. Let's do it.

You know what I mean?

Well, if you got any advice for me, I'd really appreciate it. Anyway, keep being beautiful and big, baby. I love you, bro. All right. Well, do you have any other passions, you fucking dumbass? Because it sounds like you're in a good spot. Honestly, I think a really good way to go about, like, look, I'm somebody that I did have a very specific passion from the time I was pretty young, right? Like,

I started doing open mics when we were in our freshman year of college. I crashed at your apartment in College Park, Maryland, so that we could do DC mics. My first ever open mic was at a seafood restaurant in College Park. You were there. There was me, you, a homeless guy, and eight other comics, right? And I knew what I wanted to do from a very young age. And honestly, that in and of itself is kind of a gift that...

Not a lot of people have, right? Like I, sometimes I talk to like friends of ours or whatever who don't like their jobs, but don't know what the fuck to do otherwise. And it's like, I see even, even though standup comedy was objectively stupid, it excited me. I loved it. I couldn't wait to do it. I didn't mind being broke for 10 years. I didn't mind when we moved into this apartment, sleeping in a windowless room.

And even the idea that I would waste my time at a real job instead of doing it drove me crazy. I even tried to go back to college. Like, I was in college the whole time, but I stopped because...

I did stand up for two years and then when I was 20, 21, I was like, I have to give your, when I was 20, I started and I was like, I have to give school a real shot. And for one year I quit stand up and I was like, fuck it. I'm going to, I'm going to give like school and a real job a shot. And I couldn't fucking do it. It drove me fucking crazy.

Do you have something like that, my friend? Do you have something that you have a passion or do you just generally think you don't want to get locked in? Because that's also a very regular human emotion too. When you're on a good path that feels okay, but not fully satisfying, you're like, well, I got to look at something else. Unless you have something that you fucking love so much that you're like being in working at the post office is taking away from that.

I don't know. I actually think the idea that you have to get all your satisfaction from work is kind of stupid. Like, that's not everybody. You know what I mean? Like, in fact, I'll say this. That's nobody. Even me, who this was my dream and it did become my job, and I'm very happy and I'm very lucky for that. I don't fucking...

I'm a stunted human being. A lot of entertainers, a lot of people in... Athletes, you know, entertainers, whatever. Even like something as weird as like a politician or something. People in the public eye, you know, whatever. Artists in general, whatever. People that really... Or just career-driven people. Let's say just even business people that are fucking super successful. People that pour too much effort into their job...

They are some of the least happy, least fulfilled people, least complex people. And I find myself being in a situation where I'm very happy with how my career is going and I've been working pretty hard. This last year has been really super busy. But to be honest, it's been at the detriment of my personal life.

where I don't see my family as much. I don't have very deep, meaningful dating relationships because I'm always traveling. I had to hire my best friend to hang out with him. You know what I mean? So the post... Now, and that brings us back to your situation where the post office...

It's actually a pretty good job. Like it's, you know, you get benefits and I'm pretty sure you can retire at a relatively young age. And like I know people who went into the army at 18 or were, you know, or there's comedians, a comedian, there's like a cop at 18. They work for 20 years, they get their pension and they're, you know, 40 year olds, essentially. They're 45 years old.

with a pension, with retired, whether that's Army, whether that's whatever, whether that's post office. Like, I don't know when the retirement age is for a post office worker, but I think you probably could do that. They've, you know, raised a family. They've done other things that they found really meaningful. And they're still relatively young people

With the time to explore things. Or if you don't want to have a family. You don't want to do that shit. Do you have other things that you love? Do you have other things? Like what is this job stopping you from? Are you an artist? Are you a musician? What are your passions? And can you do those things?

in tandem with your job, because I will tell you, no job is going to make you happy. And if you have a pretty solid one that gets benefits and you can retire at a relatively early age, which I believe working for the post office is, maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe it's not the worst, you know, the worst thing. Now, do you have a passion that keeps you up? Doesn't sound like you do. You say you sound like just kind of a generally disaffected guy. But unless there's some other road that you want to go down

I would say stick to it and, you know...

I was always jealous of those guys that were like, or even people that had kids young. Like people my age who had kids when they were like 20 or whatever. Or somebody who had a teen, like a teen kid. Yeah, your kid's 18 before you're 40. Your kid's 18? That's awesome. You have a fucking kid. You know what I mean? You don't got to be like 53 thinking about like, oh, how am I going to pay for college and shit? Yeah, dude. I'm sick of fucking working. Let's say we have kids at like 36. Yeah.

And that's relatively quick. We're 33. Let's say we have kids at 37. Yeah. Tack on 18 years from that. What the fuck is that? 65? 38 plus. We're fucking stupid.

55. I'm going to Google. That's 55. 36 plus 18. That's 55. That's 54, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Still pretty old as opposed to 40. Yeah. So, yeah. Anyway, I don't think you have... Do you have another passion? If not, stick with it. Look up post office. Look up post office. When do they retire? Retirement age, yeah. I'd be very curious.

What do we got? If you leave with five or more years of service, you are eligible for a deferred retirement benefit at age 62 or later. If you leave with at least five years but less than 10 years, you're eligible to apply for retirement at age 62.

So it sounds like you're a lifer, but I think... Oh, that sucks. Yeah. I guess it's not like a cop or something. They probably take you out the trenches and put you in the buildings or something, which... Yeah. I've seen some miserable looking people in like... Yeah.

There's a guy back in Baltimore County whenever I go home who's just... He looks so miserable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell he's a lifer. He's just riding it out to retirement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's moving like a snail's pace. Of course. You're waiting in line for fucking ever. Yeah. And he just like clearly...

Doesn't really care about customer service, getting the good customer experience. That's a good job to have if you want to be bad at your job. No one ever gives a fuck at the post office. I don't know. I mean, the post office seems like such a hard job to get in general. And also, I feel like... I mean, I just think of my dad who got a job there when he was late 30s, early 40s or whatever. And...

He kind of hated it, but he was, like, kind of old by the time he saw it. Yeah, dude. If you're 24, like, it's probably such a sick job. You get to, like, just be outside and shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sure it sucks. I know a couple men. I mean, I don't think he's a mailman. I know people who are mailmen who maybe that's why I have this thought that they were just like, yeah, I'm just going to retire relatively early or something. Yeah.

So I don't know. But it seems like better than like sitting in an office if you're 24 and like restless and shit. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Just just exploit it. And, you know, yeah, you get you get like benefits and shit. Seems like a decent gig. Also, the general idea that a job is going to solve shit for you. Right. Yeah.

It's not true. That's the other thing. No one will take your post office job away and you're like, who am I? Right. You'd be like, oh, damn, well, I got to find a new job. Right, right. And there's a power to that. There is a total power to that. And it's like you get to define yourself outside of your job as opposed to what you're asking us about, pal, which is I need a job that defines me. There's pros and cons to both of those situations, obviously, but I think you're in a pretty good space. Yeah. That's going to do it for us, folks. Yeah.

I started getting hungry in the middle of that question.

I had a late breakfast and I'm fucking, I'm still hungry. So we want to thank our friend Mateo Lane. You know, he's getting a COVID test right now, wherever the fuck he's going. Thank you everybody who called in. We want to talk about Paris a little bit just to fucking, you know, do the recap. But also Mateo is just fat. I mean, his life is so fat. That was my favorite part of this episode where we started talking about his weird, him being closeted at Mike or Joanne's fabric. Yeah.

And his weird fucking grandfather and shit. But thank you guys so much. We appreciate it. We got wrapped up again. This happens sometimes with guests where we just get wrapped up in the talk and we don't get to as many questions as we'd like. But we're going to start getting heavy with the questions. We got to start answering more of your fucking queries. But thank you. Keep calling in. Keep listening. Tell your friends. Subscribe to our Patreon if you like the show and you want extra content. We do a bonus episode every week.

We just had Sean Patton on, and I don't know who we have. Maybe I think Karen Fian is this week, this bonus coming up. We already recorded it, but I don't know which order it's going to go in. But anyway, guys, thank you. We love you, and we'll talk to you next time. Bye.