Mark Normand
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Opa! Opa! Ha ha!

There we go. Welcome back to Stavvy's World, everyone. 904-800-STAV. Call in. Leave a message. We'll answer all your questions. We got my boy Mark. Hey. Mark Norman in the mix. We got Eldis. Day two of getting over his food poisoning. Oh, shit. Dude ass. No, no ass. I just had two dinners on early Valentine's Day night. Oh, yeah. And he tempted the gods. The second he started feeling okay, tell...

Yesterday, he could barely fucking function. Tell Mark what your breakfast was today, Eldis. I had like a biscuit sandwich with eggs and cheese and some aioli sauce on it. He put mayo on that. Oh my God. And a biscuit. Not even like a slice of whole wheat or like a hearty bagel. Butter and flour molded together. That may not have been the move for the first day after the illness. Yeah.

Should have gone with the juice there. A little green juice, dude. Your toilet's like Wuhan. Oh, man. My toilet, that toilet, and there. Yeah, the studio toilet. Go ahead and use the public toilet in the hallway. We don't let guests use it anymore because of what Eldest has done to it. You're like the guy who ruins the bus toilet. Now we can't shit on the bus because Eldest ate a biscuit sandwich after food poisoning. 100%. You for sure ruined some public restrooms for people. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

homophobic you're ruining those rest stops even the gay guy's like I can't blow you in here those guys are trying to suck each other off and you got remnants of a chipotle burrito and a kidoba burrito back to back in there changing brands god damn he'll do that I was just in Costa Rica we did like a little day trip snorkeling and we went to this little island and the toilets out there like it was so weird you had to pay a dollar and there's like this woman out there who can't speak any English but she was like you no clean I clean laughing

And I go in there. I mean, it was like a crime scene when I'm done. And I try pulling a little lever, like no water. I was like, this poor bitch has got to clean this up after me. That's the hardest dollar she's ever made in her fucking... That is a horrible exchange rate. A dollar for an eldest shit. It's just not worth it, man. Once again, the white man ruins...

Ruined their native land. That's a beautiful metaphor for American colonialism. This eldest coming in there and really getting his money's worth for that dollar. Worth some small bucks. That's all I ever spent. Goddamn, dude.

Well, all right. We'll try and keep it together, sipping his second coffee of the day, even with a fucking fucked up stomach. But he's a trooper. He'll be able to run the boards. He'll be able to press a couple buttons.

Why'd you have two dinners? Is it like a side piece thing? Kind of a long... Because he's fat as shit. There's no long story. There's kind of a long story. Fat story short. I don't normally do this. That's right. That's completely out of character for me. That's what Mark says before he doesn't use a condom. Oh, I don't normally. This is not me.

Fuck, man. Well, thanks for coming to Astoria, buddy. Thanks for coming to the pod. Thanks for having me. We are out there. This is a whole other world. I've never been to this area. Yeah, that's crazy. Crazy. I love Astoria, dude. We were just talking. It's nice here, man. I like Greek people. I like to hear... There's literally an old couple across the street that just like...

He's just this fat old Greek guy who sits on a stoop all day, and he just yells to his Greek wife upstairs, and they have a little fucking pulley system where she fucking sends him drinks down from the third floor, and he's just hanging out. He's just hanging out. He doesn't let any teenagers loiter. Yeah, yeah. Like a kid sat down to drink a soda for a second. He's like, hey, this not cafeteria. He's just like...

Meanwhile, he's out on his stoop all fucking day. It's the best. Is it weird connecting eyes with him and being like, shit, my future. Yeah. You're just seeing into the time machine. Oh, my God. If that's my future, I would love... I would take that right now. Oh, yeah. My destiny is to be fat as shit. You're like... You're waiting to die, right? You know what I mean? It's like, I still want to live right now. Yeah, yeah. But it's like...

Once that's gone, once that pesky feeling's gone, and I can just get fucked up all the time, eat like shit without the guilt, I still do it. Sure. But I'm like, this is, I'm going to die. Yeah. Then it's like, I can't wait. All my friends are dead. You know what I mean? Right, right. You know, I don't love my wife anymore.

My kids don't respect me because they found the Comptown and early stand-up fucking archive. So it's like they don't look me in the eyes. Their wives don't like me. You know what I mean? It's like, what do I have to... It's just me and my boys getting fucked up on my stoop. Right. You know, that's the dream. That sounds great. Go out and have it. You don't want to fuck anymore? Yeah. You're free from that, too? I know. Jesus. Once your dick doesn't work... Yeah. That's like...

Dick pills. People are like, you know, I'll use a dick pill when I really want to razzle dazzle. Sure, sure. Long night. I got it in my back pocket for a nice time. Doing overtime. Exactly. And people will be like, come on, man. You're young. You shouldn't be using dick pills. I contend we should let our dicks die at around 50, 60. Naturally. Because you're free. Yeah.

You don't want to be fucking old. Old ladies don't want to fuck you. They want to bake a pie. You want to whittle. You know what I mean? We shouldn't still be trying to get pussy. You're right. At least, definitely, the really old motherfuckers that truly chemically need it to get their dick fucked. Sure. Those old folks' homes I hear are just fuck fest. Yes, exactly. And they have a lot of STDs going around there. It's insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the one place where I'm like, all right, if you're in one of those. Go nuts. There you fuck. You're on death's door. But if you're just, you know, dying in a cardigan in your home in the old lazy boy. Right. Like that's, you don't want to fuck. You want to eat desserts. You want to be free from pussy. From the like, from the hold that pussy has over your life, which is.

It's crazy. It's insane. Even recently, I should have had a nice night's rest. I had a big day ahead of me. Pussy takes a lot of time. And I get a text from a girl I had hooked up with a couple years ago who had just broken up with her boyfriend. Oh, nice. And it's like, well, first of all, I'm honored that I'm the go-to person

you know, free, you know, no strings attached penis. That's a great position. That's a great position. But, fool, I had a couple podcasts to do. I had to get ready for the road. I'm up till three watching Milf Manor. You know, getting my dick sucked. Sure. It's like, it was great. It was a great time, but it's like, fuck. Yeah. Now, that effect was felt

for days after that. Of course. Well, that's the definition of adulthood. It's like, can I squeeze in some clams? I don't know. You're getting blown looking at the clock like, I'm gonna get four hours of sleep. All right, shit. I mean,

I mean, when you were in your 20s, it was just, let's go. Yeah, you didn't have anything to do and your body bounced back. Yeah. And now it's like, yeah. But I'm with you. Let the dick die. Let the dick die. Be a nice old guy. Right. Doesn't worry about fucking, just eats desserts. Does the stuff that is going to kill you. Yes. Because it's coming either way. Exactly. The Little Miss Sunshine, the guy's doing heroin. Yes. I'm that with desserts. That's my heroin. Ha ha ha.

It's like an old lady who fucking still smokes. It's like, yeah, let her smoke. Right. She's 80. Who cares? She made it this far. I would say the same for Biden. Let the guy go.

Go. We keep pumping Viagra into the guy. And it's like, no, he's done. I want whatever super Adderall they put into him. Oh, my God. Dude, that cocktail, it must be the exact, it's the photo negative of whatever they, that killed Michael Jackson. It's like, what's keeping Biden alive? It's like, he was on downers, Biden's on uppers. Right. And that, take those two together, you're probably levitating, dude. You could be,

You can probably see into the future if you take MJ and Biden's cocktails together. Meanwhile, for him, it just brings him right up to normal. Yeah, just barely. Barely, because he's still like...

of Kamala. It's, yeah, yeah. It's a really interesting, like, experiment in how, like, just keeping someone alive that shouldn't be, or like, keeping them in the public eye. Because it's like, you look at a fucking video of Joe Biden when he was even running for

vice president. And he is one of the most well-spoken men in the world. And then you see him now and it's like, it is kind of, it's actually pretty funny that he's president. Yeah. Because it's like, every other president's like,

It's the air of competence. And with Biden, it's like, all right, we don't... Nah. This is all fake. Of course, of course. We just had to put someone up. Yeah. Kamala can't fucking do it. I know. Mayor Pete's a fucking loser. It's just like, no one had the sauce except Bernie, who they fucking sabotaged, because God forbid everybody get healthcare. But of all the mainstream Dems, it's like, all right, fuck it. Let's inject...

Biden with some fucking awesome drugs and have him just be like, we all need a fair shot. Yeah.

It fucking rocks. Did you watch the State of the Union? No. LeBron was going to break the scoring record. Oh. Good for you. Whoever scheduled that, again, another genius. Genius. They were probably like, look, LeBron, we're going to need you to do it on this night. Get the eyes off Joe. There's no more you.

than this black guy in the like peak physical condition scoring points of this old white guy who just, just grizzled and seen it all and done. Yeah. Truly a hilarious. I mean, I've talked, I had a, like a little bit about it, but it's like Biden really is the, he's had the most awesome career where it's like,

He was just like... He got to be senator of the shittiest state of all time. Delaware? Delaware. Who gives a fuck about Delaware? I forgot it was... Delaware has never done shit. No. Oh, you're the fucking most successful... The second most famous person from Delaware is Ian Finance, Joe. That's the fucking... That's the bar Joe Biden cleared. He gets to be senator. Then he gets caught plagiarizing JFK's speeches over and over again. Did he? Yes. He was trying to run for president in the, like, 80s.

and he kept doing it. He did it like three times. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then he goes back into the Senate and is like, fuck it, I'm not going to be president. Is the...

is one of the sponsors of one of the most racist fucking crime bills of all time. He's calling black teenagers super predators. Whoa! This is like in the 90s. He threw some N-bombs around too, by the way. Oh, of course. Come on. Yes, of course he did. That's my alarm at home. Shit, I missed my flight. And then...

So he does all that shit. He's just kind of thought of as a fucking joke, a dumbass. And then Obama is running for president and they're like, we need someone racist-like. They're like, how about goofy-ass racist Joe? And then Hillary's the worst candidate in the history of all time that she loses to Trump's dumbass. And now they're like, ah, fuck, well...

People like Bernie, but that would be a problem for everybody who pays us. So why don't we get fucking the corpse of Joe? And he just locks his way into being president. He's the man, dude. He's had the sickest life of all time, except his son getting fucking brain cancer and his other son fucking that guy's wife and doing crack.

Yeah, true, but he might be the funnest party on the planet. Oh, for sure. And look, if you look at my laptop, there's bad news in there as well. Hunter, if you're listening, come do Stavi's World. Please. We would love to have you on Stavi's World. Yeah, come skiing with me. Let's just hang out.

Anyway, damn, I didn't mean to get into Stavi's politics corner to start the fucking... This is typically not what the show... But, you know, it was fun to shit on Joe Biden here for a second. Yeah, you know, you live like a block from a school. Yes. I went and did a couple pull-ups on the... Really? Yeah, on the...

The jungle gym and some lady goes, hey, get out of here. So I had to run out of the school. True story. Right before I rang the doorbell, I was running from a school. Getting a pump in. Yeah. At a fucking elementary school. 39-year-old guy just going for it. I love it. Have you ever been kicked out of a school in other contexts? Well, I've been...

Suspended and expelled. That's what you mean. Okay, all right. We'll take that. I peed all over the bathroom one time and peed on the toilet paper. Okay. Oh, wow. Classic. Yeah. Suspended for that. That's just a suspension, though. I wrote, don't have a cow. You know, it was Bart Simpson. I was like 12, and this teacher thought I was talking about her. Oh.

And so she was like, that's a fat joke. I was like, what? No, it's a Bart Simpson. So I got suspended for that. Wow. Wow. Early on, you've been dealing with cancel culture, Marshall. Your jokes have been taken out of context by annoying fat women since you were 12 years old. Exactly. Now it's bachelorettes. It never ends. What about, what was the expulsion? Oh, that was, I had sex with a, um,

screenwriting teacher in film school. I mean, that's both of those stories are just that's all you need to know about you. Is someone misconstruing a joke that gets you into trouble and then you fucking someone you're not supposed to? She did it. She put the feelers out there. I was at her house. It was a whole thing. Wow. And this because you moved here for films or no? Yeah, I was here. Here, here, here. They found out and they were like, you got to go. Wow. In college.

Yeah. What the fuck? That's... I know, I was of age, but they're like, you're fucking the staff. I think she got in trouble as well. Yeah, she should have gotten in trouble for sure. But it was all hot, consensual. I'm still in touch with her. Wow. Yeah. Have you fucked her since then? We're writing a movie together.

That is incredible, dude. Getting kicked out for fucking your teacher as a grown man is fucked up. It was kind of like, just, you gotta go. It wasn't like, you're out of here. It was like, that was weird. You know, it's weird. We all know about it. The vibes are fucked up. You gotta go. I talked about it on Ari's thing. This is not happening. Oh, really? So it got weird. Whatever, fuck that. These motherfuckers haven't seen it. You can tell us. I'm interested. So she was just like, you should... Was it the classic, like...

Oh, you need help with your screenplay. You should come. It was so crazy. I mean, I've told the story a bunch, but I'll just give you the short version. Give me the short version, yeah. She was a quirky screenwriter like Miss Fritz. You know, kooky earrings and wacky dress, beehive hairdo. You know, she was all kind of like an Amy Sedaris type, you know? Ah, nice. And she was pretty and all that, and I was living in Crown Heights. There's some nice pussy under some quirk. Yeah.

You chip away at the layers of fucking tchotchkes and fucking asymmetrical glasses. Exactly. And you're getting some nice pussy under there. Yeah, yeah. Those polka dot underwear are great. What's that lady's name who's in all the wacky Christopher Guest movies? Oh, shit. She's kind of hot.

I know who you're talking about, but I... Parker Posey. Yes. Oh, come on. That's next level. That's awesome. So I was living in Crown Heights. I was broke. I was an open mic-er, and I said, I don't have a shower. I haven't showered in like three days, four days. And I just was talking to her, small talk. She goes, you can shower at my place, but I'm having a dinner party, so you got to get in and get out. I was like, you got it. Yes, ma'am. Wow. You literally didn't have a shower. It was all cold. It was like the dead of winter. It was only cold water. We had a shower.

We had no heat, no cold, no hot water. Who are your roommates in that? This guy's Zach Sims. Okay. And our landlord died of AIDS. Fun fact. True story. So I can't really complain to the guy. The heat's out. He's like, I didn't notice. He's shivering. He's fucking emaciated. I'm sorry, Mark. It's been negative two degrees for me since 1989. Yeah.

So she was like, I showered my place. I said, I'll get in. I'll get out. You won't even know I'm there. And I get over there. I got a bag of clothes. I smell like shit. And she's like, she's got pots going on the stove. Wow. Crazy place settings, candles. The whole table is decked out. Great apartment right by the train, the L train. Okay. And...

So we start flirting. She's like, have a glass of wine. You got a couple hours. I was like, okay, we're talking. And I'm just like, I got to get in that shower. You know, I know you got people. I was trying to be a good guest. And we were kind of hitting it off. I was in the shower like, am I going to? No, she's got people coming over. I get out of the shower. We have another glass of wine. No one shows up. And we end up banging all night. What? Oh, man. There was no dinner party? It never happens.

Wow. So I don't even know if she lied or if no one showed or what. Wow. I'm still clueless. You think she fucked a bunch of students? Probably. Yeah. That's her move. She's like, it was a dinner party. You open up a pot just boiling water, nothing in it. She's like, yeah, but she ended up actually liking you. She's like, I'll let him fuck a couple times. It's like that scene in Hook. Like, you're doing it. You're doing it, Peter. There's no food there. If you made her cum, mashed potatoes would have fucking popped up.

Oh yeah, that's awesome. That's my guess is that this was her move to fuck young impressionable screenwriters and she's like, there's a dinner party and she had fake pots but you were good enough that, because that's a nice out. Grab someone to get at, like look,

And they're going to be thankful, too, because they don't think it's a possibility. So to get that... They're telling this story, let alone she's a mastermind of getting cocked she's not supposed to. Genius. Genius. Although she had to set... I mean, it was elaborate, this setup. Interesting. The folded napkins with the holder and all the silver fork and the salad fork and all that. Did you ever get to the bottom of that? No. I didn't want to broach it. I was so impressed. Yeah.

That's incredible. Oh, wow. I wish I've ever fucked an authority figure. I don't think ever. There was definitely a professor where I was like, in college, I was like, if she was...

If we kind of could Benjamin Button it and meet in the middle here, you know, when you're flirting with an old lady and you're like, I think I would get my dick sucked by this 65-year-old. And I'm 19, but she's just so, she's just fun. You know, she's just great. And she kind of kept it together. And I'm thinking, damn, you give me 15, you minus 15 from her, we're in the business. We're in the business here. Well, there is this weird kind of cross-section where like,

Who's a gal? You could probably fuck Pamela Anderson in 10 years. Right, right, right. And then you'll be where you are. So you guys could have an access where the points collide. Absolutely. I'm trying to fuck Pam Anderson now. I would definitely fuck her. Without question. Out of respect. Hell yeah. Out of respect for how the media treated her when they were sexualizing her. I want to sexualize you in a cool, fun way where we have a nice time and hang out. Yeah.

You've never fucked an older lady, have you, Elders? No. What? They're the best. Yeah. Never that old. I don't think anyone over, like, 30s even knows in my 20s or whatever. When I first came to New York, and I don't think I've told this story. That's the problem. We, like, because I'm on the road so much, so you have to do them all at once. But I don't think I've told it. And this podcast is new, so I don't know what the fuck I've said on it and what I haven't.

But when I first came to New York and I was probably, what, 26? And this girl was 39. Okay. So at the time, there was something there. And yeah, we had a date at Eldest's spot, Night of Joy. You put me onto that. I'm fresh. It's in Williamsburg. I'm fresh to the city. I'm getting no pussy whatsoever. And I'm just, yeah, me and this girl. And we have one date. It goes good. And then we get fucking high as shit. And this is like in the very early days of...

Of the weed oil pens. Oh, yeah. Everyone takes them for granted now, but, you know, eight years ago, nine years ago, those changed your world. Totally. And one of those gets you fucking out of control. We were supposed to go see fucking Captain America or some gay bullshit. I can't believe that was what the date was going to be. But we just went. We, like, met up. We smoked this thing where we both got so high. We go back to her place to just, like...

I don't know, find tickets to Captain America or something. Oh, wow. And I just fucking... I eat this girl's... This fucking lady's pussy. It was the first time I'd encountered a squirter. Whoa! I eat her pussy on her couch. Whoa!

and dude this bitch is squirting on her own couch yeah that's the only way i've made a woman squirt oh really a nice finger popping and you go up you gotta go up yeah of course of course my cock i think actually you know what one time i made a girl squirt with my penis and that felt like i honestly felt like i had superpowers and it obviously had nothing to do with me she had one of the best

Her pussy was like playing a tutorial in a video game. Yeah. It was like, you can kill all the enemies, so he's just trying to teach you how to win the game. You know what I mean? It was set on easy. It was incredible. Oh, that's the best. It was small. It was small as shit. She was like this tiny Asian girl. Small as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. It was a wet market. Incredibly hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I made a girl squirt just by eating them out or whatever. But yeah, this was the first time I encountered her and I was like confused and I'm high as shit. Yeah. And I'm also eating her pussy for so long because you get high. I was so high, I forgot. Time is meaningless. Dude, I literally was, the only reason I knew was because my fucking shoulder from being like, my shoulder starts cramping up. That was the only reason. I didn't know I see high. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

I have a bad shoulder. I have a football injury. Oh, wow. Yeah, I really play through the pain. If I've ever eaten your pussy and it's been good, no, it's hurt right before you're about to cum. Now, did you have the glasses on? Because that would help the squirting, you know? Oh, I don't think so. Like a windshield. No glasses. Oh, damn. And this is, you know, no mustache, shaved head. I'm aerodynamic. I'm probably 80 pounds lighter than I am now when I first moved here. Is that how you lost a tooth? It was like a civil rights hose right in your jaw. Oh, wow.

No, but no joke, the first time I recognized that something was wrong with my tooth was with a girl sitting on my face. Whoa! And it hurt. Tell that to the dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Oh, what's wrong with my tooth? Just a little too much pussy eating, pal. You know what you got to do next time a girl sits on your face? Just go, it's not a cafeteria. Anyway, so that's the closest I've ever gotten to

a real and then it was like we fucked and i busted inside her too just real real lack real just like shooting from the hip hell yeah i had nothing to lose you don't want you don't want me at 26 getting you pregnant no so it was one of those it's like look lady we're gonna figure this out if it happened but i think she go she kind of she was like come inside me which i

you know, now is a big red flag. Sure. If someone's begging you to bust in them, it's like, I can't do this. But back then, it's like one of the hottest things you've ever heard in your life. Oh, yeah. Moved to New York, some redhead with huge tits. Wow. Huge freckly tits or fuck it, is begging you to bust inside her. Was it Tinder? It was, you know, this was so long ago, I believe it was OKCupid. Whoa.

Christian girl. Yeah. No, that's Christian Mingle. No, that's Christian Mingle. Sorry, sorry. OkCupid is just a, it's just one of, it was literally a dating site before apps. Like it predates, it's one where you fucking, like we met on a laptop. On a laptop. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

That's wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was maybe the only good pussy I got the first year I was in New York because I was so depressed. You know that first year in New York you want to kill yourself. Oh, dude. What are you kidding me? Yeah. No heat, no AIDS, AIDS landlord. I got mugged three times the first year. Really? True story, yeah. Do you have a history of muggings? Like in New Orleans were you getting mugged?

I knew New Orleans better, so I was better at navigating, but I didn't know the city. So I was in Brooklyn, twice in Brooklyn, once in Hell's Kitchen, and I was asking for it. I was a sitting duck. I was blacked out. Counting money. Blacked out. Yeah, exactly. One time, I had earbuds in Crown Heights, and everybody's like, what are you doing, man? They had the white ones. It was like an iPod. So I was always asking for it.

Never been mugged, man. Really? Even in Baltimore, yeah. We've had elders. You've never been mugged. Too big. No, just a car break-in in Baltimore. Car break-in, yeah, yeah. But never mugged. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like if you're just like, if you're fat or tall or whatever, it's like...

Go for somebody a little easier. You just never know. Some little drunk guy. Yeah, exactly. A little drunk. You take a bottle and I'm like, come on. Come on, give it back. Yeah, twice I got knocked out. So they were tough. Wow, holy shit. Once I was on the L train, fell asleep, woke up, guy was doing the X-Acto knife.

on the pockets cut your pockets out cut my pockets and I caught him and I stood up and I hit my head on the bar and then I fell back down and he was like don't worry you'll turn right back around he was like cool about it

Who I just walked you through your own mugging at his hands. Yeah, exactly. That's nice. No muggings in your own. It's good for you, man. Nothing, nothing. It was cool. By the way, the wedding was fucking awesome. Oh, thanks for coming. Of course. It was a fucking blast. And you pushed through sober. Yeah, well, I did end up doing mushrooms. Yeah. I ended up doing mushrooms. But yes, I was on a little sobriety kick.

But, you know, mushrooms, whatever, you got to do a little something. Yeah, that's natural. I did them at the wedding, too. I would pass them around like Santa Claus. My dumb niece, who's nine, is like, what's in your pocket? I was like, it's Graham. And she was like, you know, talking to my mom, he's got something in his pocket. My mom's like, what's in your pocket? I was like, look.

I'm married now. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm an adult. That was awesome. It was very funny. That must have been nerve wracking for you to have all these different worlds come together. Weird. Where it's like, I feel like you're a very, you're a very segmented motherfucker. Where you don't like, you've told a lot of lies to people. Exactly. And you don't want, and you want people to be like comparing notes and being like, wait a second. You know? I was like, I thought you were single. Yeah. I was like,

Yeah, that was tough. That is hard. You've got to really do some juggling. It's like Marie Kondo over here. I'm like compartmentalizing. But it just... I think we're introverts. I know we're comedians and we like to get laughs and tell jokes on stage, but...

The amount of attention is so uncomfortable. That specific kind of attention. Yes. When I was at the altar, I wanted to kill myself. Oh, I could tell. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Oh, really? It was probably the most uncomfortable I've ever seen you to get showered with that much love and positivity. Totally. I had so many zingers in my pocket, but I had to stifle all of them.

And then I thought I was good, and then we did that dumb thing with the sparklers at the end. And I just felt so bad that you guys had to hold those. No, that was cute. I know, but I hate it. I hate it. I hate all of it.

It feels so unearned. At least with a joke, you earn it. You write the joke. You think a joke is more work than a loving relationship with someone you're going to be with forever? No, I think that's more work. Yeah, yeah. A joke is less work. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Joke's easy. Yes. That's hard. That's tough. Take the sprinklers. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. Take the sprinklers. You know what I mean? Enjoy the, you know, enjoy the... But I do... There is something to, like, a big event. I don't know. I mean, you know, a wedding's different, but it's like...

Even as, like, career or, like, a big show or a big something, I always, always have a weird, like, negative hangover after it. Interesting. Where it's, like... Like, going back to, like... I'm an open mic-er, and Seton Smith, who was, like, from, you know... He was huge in D.C. From D.C., and he put me... He got me a spot at fucking...

What's that show in... Big Hunt? No, no, no. Here in New York. Oh, Big Terrific. Whiplash. No, it was the one... Yeah, it was... Cabin. You're almost... It's the only other one that was pretty good at the time. Who fucking booked it? They're all gone now. Marianne Way's booked it.

Not Butter Boy The one before Butter Boy Yeah Why it's an act show Yes Night Train Night Train Big show Big show It was a big show And I'm an open mic-er And I do well at a You know Festival in Seton Shout out to him He just kind of You know

told me to come do a show uh got me on it and you know when when when you're some open mic or in baltimore yeah coming to do one of the big shows in new york it was like a career highlight of course you think you're gonna get discovered this is it yeah yeah yeah i do just okay but it's still cool you know and i remember being kind of depressed after that where it was like dude like and that same thing even after like the special which

Special felt so good to get in the can. Yeah, yeah. And it was good. And, like, whatever. Other cool shit happens. I always have, like, a weird... I don't know if it's, like, how, you know, the postpartum depression shit where it's, like, you have a kid and... I think that's more chemicals when you're pregnant. But, like, I don't know. So I don't know if it's, like... I get that. I totally get that. I don't know if there's, like, if there's something to that with the wedding or such a big event where you're building up to it. Right. And then it happens. And then you're just, like...

It's over. It's over. It's so weird how it all culminates. It's kind of like a Christmas morning. You're like, here we go. And then you look out for after five seconds, it's all wrapping paper, garbage. It sucks. It's the same with sex. Yeah. You fuck the hottest girl in the world and you're like, how do I get out of here? The second you bust, it's like, oh man. Which is horrible wiring. Why did God...

Set that up or a la or whatever. I think probably because if you were really having a good time after you busted, you would be like, pray for like a fucking... Somebody smash your head in or... Right. Because like most of sex when you're a caveman is like you fucking tackle a lady and fuck her against her will. You fuck somebody's wife. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You need to feel... You're in danger when you bust as a caveman. Good point. You're vulnerable. You're super vulnerable. Yeah. If you're sitting there like...

That's when the natives come. That was some nice cave pussy. You're going to get your shit split, dude. You got to be like, oh, fuck, where am I? I'm in a different tribe's fucking, you know. I just fucked the chief's daughter. I'm not even supposed to be here. That's why the Vikings kicked ass. They got in, they got out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They pillaged. Oh, they pillaged. What is pillage? I think it's everything but rape.

When you take over something. The term is rape and pillage. Yeah. And Vikings were certainly helping themselves to everything. Yeah, exactly. In the village. But yeah, dude, I don't know. It was, it was, the wedding was fucking awesome. I mean, it was a great, great event. It was awesome to see everybody. And it was very interesting to just see all the, all the different people

All the different people. Because you had, like, your high school friends. You had your family. Right. That was fucking awesome. It's fun seeing my high school friends annoy the comedian friends. Yeah. You know, they're like, hey, Sam Morrill, I loved your special. And he's like, oh, thanks, thanks. And they're like, how do you come up with all that? Leave alone, leave alone. No, that is very interesting. Yeah, you think about it. It is a very – your worlds are separate just kind of by –

Just how it goes. Yeah. Especially when you move, especially when you do something that's like such a niche job. Totally. And with comedy, you go all in. Like you move to New York, you have to get to know everybody and make friends and build a career. And then you go back and you're like, oh, I forgot about all this. Yeah, yeah. You know, these high school guys. And you go back and you're like, wow, this is what life actually should be like. Yes. That's always a weird thing. Like when I went back,

Maybe a couple years ago, I went home, and it's like, you know, I'm thinking of my little brothers, and it's like, you know, they're married. Right. You know, my brother's talking about having kids, and I'm like, you're a kid. Isn't that weird? He's 30. Yeah, right. He's a 31-year-old. At this point, he's 32. Yeah. Right? And I'm like, oh, right, he's 32. All his friends have kids. He's the late bloomer in Maryland. Yeah, we're weird. And we, yeah, we're so, it was so fucking weird. Yeah. It's so bizarre. But, hey, we're weird.

I'd rather be here. I'd rather be on this sticky Greek couch in Queens than talking to my dumb kid at soccer practice. But I get it. It's just different strokes. No, no, no. Nice try. Nice cop out. You heard him, folks. Mark Norman thinks you're all fucking retards.

That's how I feel about Greta Thunberg. I keep thinking she's like 11. She's 20. She's 20. She's 20 years old. She has a very little ass kid's face. She does, yeah. And I guess she's been in the public eye since she was like probably 14 at this point. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I believe she's autistic. Isn't that right? That's what I heard. Autism don't crack. She still looks young.

Autism don't crack is awesome. Yeah, she does have a kid vibe. She does, yeah, yeah. Damn, look at that raincoat. What is this, It? Jesus Christ, that's spooky. I think she's autistic, which would make sense. Yeah. Because if you're a kid who's like, damn, the world is really going to explode. When I'm old, the shit is going to be atrocious. If that's what you get, you know. Yeah, she has autism. OCD. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. If you have autism and OCD and your thing is the climate apocalypse, you're fucked. You're fucked. It's like a hypochondriac. She's probably so sad all the time. And she's right. Yeah. Like, that's the thing. Every young person who's mad about global warming, I'm like...

You guys are right. You're fucked. Yeah. We're the last ones to get AC our whole lives. Yeah. You know, it's like every time a 10-year-old was like, you're a fucking piece of shit. Like, you know, you consume too much. I'd be like, you got me. Yeah. I'm not even arguing with you. You're fucking right. You're right. I use the AC with the windows down in my car. Yeah.

I've never put the right thing in the bin. Yeah, I know. I'm not doing that bin shit. No. Because in reality, it's like, come on, man. There's probably like, if one building in China took their water down one degree. I know, I know. It's like, it eclipses everything I do. If airlines did, if we did less, if private jets, people didn't use them, if they used them half as much, that's everything you've ever recycled in the world.

5,000 times. Exactly. You know what I mean? I made too many phone calls with the water running. I'll get in there eventually. But that's one good thing about Greta. She's the real deal. She'll take a fucking sailboat from Sweden to America. And then she'll do Amtrak and shit like that. Oh, really? Yeah, because that's the best one for the environment is a train. Yeah, because half of these, like Al Gore is taking private jets. Yeah, absolutely. Fuck Al Gore.

I wonder what he's up to. I wonder if Al Gore got any side pussy. Can you look that up, Eldis? Whose tipper was his bitch? Al Gore's side pussy. A lot of South Park comes up. A lot of man bear pig.

Whatever, man. How is it going, man? How's the fucking, how's the, how's married life so far? You know, it's exactly the same. She's a great gal. We got a good thing going. I do the road and it kind of makes this like weird, it's like a relationship saver. Sure. Because you miss each other. You're not there all the time annoying each other in a tiny New York apartment. Yeah. It's going great. Anal. Yeah.

Wow, she was keeping that until she got the ring, huh? Yeah, yeah. Smart move. God's hole. You had never fucked in the ass before? Not her, no. No? Okay. I was going to say.

I mean, that screenwriting teacher. She wrote Human Centipede. That's nice. That's romantic. And they say romance is dead. Yeah. You can only fuck your wife in the ass. Alive while our sheets are brown. All those sheets are brown. I just fucked your ass. I just fucked your ass.

You just got, so you're fucking all over. I mean, dude, we're the same way. Eldest comes with me on the road too. Oh, nice. But it's been fucking wise. Every weekend we've been gone. Oh yeah. It's, it's tough, but I don't know. You just, you went to the fucking Superbowl, right? Yeah. We did four nights in an arena. That's incredible. And then the Superbowl on Sunday. Good crew too. Bert and Shane. Shane Gillis, Bert Kreischer and Big

Big J. Oh, nice. And, you know, it's a giant house. It's got a pool, a hot tub, a fucking putt-putt. Guy Fieri came by. No, that's so sick. Yeah, it was wild. Oh, dude, fuck. He's just Bert with food instead of booze, you know? That makes so much sense. Culinary Bert. Yes, culinary Bert. Exactly.

Guy Fieri fucking rules. I literally was watching some cooking competition that he's hosting, and he's got such specific charisma where it's like he comes out with what had to be a $100,000 chain on.

Oh, yeah. It's the same chain that Anthony Davis was wearing on the Lakers bench. Wow. It's like a Cuban with just diamonds. Not gold. Diamonds. And then another one, he's got this huge pendant. And it's like, he is one of the only...

What is he, 40, late 40s? Gotta be 40. Early 50s? 50, yeah. Like, just white guys with... He's a late 40s. Yeah. Kind of chubby white man with bleached blonde hair. Yep, yep. That can wear... 55. 55, dude. Flames on his shirt, wraparound glasses. And he can pull off the same kind of... He's got the same swag as the coolest 22-year-old black guy you've ever met in your life. 100%. And it works somehow. It works. You're like, this...

Part of you is like, this is goofy, but you're like, I'm still accepting it. Yes. I'm not shitting on him. Yes. I recognize it. Part of it is wrong. Yes. But it's working. It's working. Isn't that weird when it works like that? It's the best. Yeah. It's the best. He walked up and you're like, all right, I'm a, you know, I'm not a, what am I, a foodie? I don't give a shit about guy fear. And then he walks up and you're like, oh shit. Yeah.

You know, that feeling when you're like, I won't care. And then he walks up, you care, and he handed all cigars. And we're all putt-putting out there. And he's like, let me show you how to light it. And I started like, come on, pussy. Let me show you how to light it. And you're like, whoa, he's cool. Yes, sir, Mr. Fieri. Dude, I wouldn't even pretend not to care. It would make my, I want Guy Fieri to like me so bad. It's one of the, like if I met Guy Fieri, I would blow it because I would want it too bad. Exactly, exactly. Like the way, like you can't,

Just like a hot girl who might fuck you, but you're so in your head. Yeah. Because she's so much hotter than you. Totally. That's how I feel with friendship with Guy Fieri. I would fucking blow it because he rules. He rules and he did a Something's Burning, a Bert's cooking show. Oh, that's awesome. And Bert couldn't get the oven lit. And I was off to the sides and I go, I'm going to get Fieri. And I go, hey, Bert, you'd make the worst Nazi. And Fieri goes. And I was like, damn it. I thought I had a good one.

I did it all for him. He got a laugh in the room, but he was just like, what? Who is this guy? Wow, dude. Hey, you got a swing. Yeah, I took a big swing. What are you going to do? Did he bring anybody? Did he bring Hunter? He brought Hunter. Hunter was cool as shit. Oh, Hunter's cool as shit, too. Yeah, he's got big shoes to fill, too, you know? Dad's awesome. And then we went to the Super Bowl. Uh.

I did shrooms. I'm not a huge football guy, so I was like, I'm going to do shrooms. Hilarious. Rihanna was fucking amazing on shrooms. I believe it. Those levels and everything, the fireworks. Seeing that in person must have been insane. Insane. Because it was cool on TV. Yeah. But it just feels like the kind of thing... I've got to say the direction was unbelievable. Unbelievable. The way the camera, the shots they got. But I can't... Seeing that in the fucking stadium on mushrooms. On mushrooms. All the white... Those white guys ran out, you know? And...

She was pregnant, so we're like, whoa, is she fat as shit? What's going on? Yeah.

And then in my head, you know, you're on shroom, so I was like, this might be the most elaborate abortion of all time. Like, if she falls off that top deck, that's it. That would be awesome. Because she had that, like, almost metal plate. Yeah, yeah. So it would have been funny if it was fake, and she just, like, pretended like a fucking baby comes out of her pussy. Chris Brown comes out. Uppercuts her. That's the special guest. Oh!

Chris Brown doing like a fucking, what are the street fighter guys? The Hadouken. Yeah, the Sharyuken, whatever the fucking uppercut. I remember. Wow, that must have been brutal, though, for it to be. You were at the Super Bowl with, I mean, Shane and Big J. Yeah. Philly guys. Yeah, and I'm just like this, you know. Bunch of fat, skinny guys.

Sons of bitches and cholesterol and all this next to me. And then the only hard part was being on shrooms and then like, this is awesome. And you're like, I got to pee. And then you go to pee and you're in those bowels of a stadium and it's mayhem. That was too much. Pissing on my, like I remember, because we're a big, my family's a big sports fan.

Star Wars, take mushrooms and see them. Oh, family. See the big, my brothers. Okay, okay. Not my mom, my like 68-year-old Greek mother. Yeah. Just chubby on shrooms eating Greek cookies. Oh, yeah.

But we see them in the fucking theater and it's, when you're in the theater, it's unbelievable. It's crazy. And I remember having a piss at Star Wars and being so fucked up. Oh yeah. And literally wanting to buy a drink, but being too scared. Yes, yes. So I went, so after I pissed, I just went to the sink and went like. I love that.

Going back to the movie. That's the worst. I was just like, I was too scared to have a fucking conversation with a concession person. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn't even have considered it. I had to pee and this is just a crazy line and it was all urinals with no partition and I got a tiny shroom dick and I remember people like, oh, and the guy behind me went, hey,

And he pushed me like, oh, you got to go. And it was like a water slide where you just have to suck it up and do it. I have a theory because it was in Phoenix, which is like a pretty white town. Yes. All white towns like Minneapolis and Denver, very white towns have no partition. Cock troughs. Because they're all white.

Yes. There's less black competition. Oh, that's interesting. That's a theory I have. You think it's like the more homogeneous racially a population, the less urinal partitions. You go to Atlanta, there's partitions. You go to Detroit, there's partitions. Well, but see, that's interesting, though, because Atlanta's mostly black. Oh, that's true. So it's like...

It's got to be a diverse... It's got to be diverse. So New York, it's partitions everywhere. New York, perfect example. Yeah, L.A. Yep, yep. Even, I don't know, Chicago to Chicago. Chicago's pretty segregated. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Still. Different sides.

Baltimore, that's interesting. I hate the trough. Hate the trough. We all hate it. What are we doing, guys? I mean, look, it's fun when you're alone and there's ice to melt with your dick. You feel like a superhero. Running up and down on the thing. No, the trough is dehumanizing. Very bad. To have to piss with your dick just...

It's one, you can kind of, even the separate urinals when there's no partition, it's like, all right, we got our own space. Yeah. Especially at something like the Super Bowl. Oh. Where it's like people are probably lining up. Yeah. Fucking like around it. Yes, yes. Like just like, you could almost be like interlocking feet.

Like one guy could probably have his feet inside your feet. You know what I mean? Like it could be kind of like this. Right, right. Just to get enough space. That I want no parts of. It was a nightmare. That's fucking sick though. They must have been sad that the fucking Phillies, the Eagles lost. They took it pretty hard and then we went and got fucked up after and I had a flight at 7. I had to get

picked up at 5, so that was the worst. And that airport was bananas. Oh, why did you do that? I like getting back, and I regret it immediately. 5, though? Yeah, 5 a.m. pickup, after drinking all night, then hot tubbing, then eating. You got to take the L on the travel day. I really do. I mean, that's crazy. Crazy. And I know the feeling, because on the West Coast, you lose those hours. So I get that. I get that. But still, it's like...

5 a.m. pickup is fucking insane. Nightmare. Nightmare. Not worth it. I got to fly at 9 and I want to kill myself. That's not why I like a nice... 11 is the optimal flight time. 11 is nice. You wake up just... You don't need an alarm. Yep. You know, but it's as early as you can wake up.

without like an alarm and you're well-rested, you can have breakfast if you really want to. Yeah, exactly. Then you just have to write the day off. Right, right. The day's over. Do you do shows at that night when you land? I do. Yeah, same. I used to not, but then it's like, when am I going to spend my entire life on the road? Exactly, exactly. You just have to suck that Thursday up. Yep.

But it's brutal. It's going to suck dick. Madison, which has already happened by the time this comes out. That's going to be horrible. But that's a great club. It's a great club. And a great weekend. That's the thing. I'll only do them if the club rocks at this point. Yes, yes, exactly. But it's two shows Thursday. That's tough. If it was one, you can fucking sleepwalk through. They are not getting their money. No one on Thursday. Here's a little tip, folks. You've already bought your tickets. The tour is mostly sold out.

Don't come see me on Thursdays. I am going to be phoning it in. That's my go-to. I like to fucking ease into it. Sometimes something really cool happens because when you don't give a fuck, you're just kind of freer. Totally. But most of the time it's bad.

You have to remember your acting a little bit. By Friday, you got it down, but Thursday... Friday, you're good to go. How's this gay joke go? Have you done any other big events like that? Have you been to the Super Bowl? Have you done any award shows? Have you been to anything crazy, or was that the biggest one? Probably the biggest thing. I mean, I've been to like... I was at the Hollywood Bowl when Chappelle got...

Oh, yeah. Some homeless guy came up to him? No, it was like a trans guy on stage with the fake knife or whatever. I was there for that. I didn't realize it was a fake knife. Yeah, well, in his words, it was a gun that identified as a knife. That was Chappelle's joke, which pissed everybody off. He made another trans joke. You're like, he got tackled.

I think that's more important. I'm more mad at the identified as a thing. That's over. That is over. It's a little hack at this point. And my pronouns are E-S or whatever. My pronouns are this. It's done, guys. Roseanne.

Sorry you got fired. Yeah. You can't do a pronouns joke. Have you seen that? That's her big teaser to the thing. Oh, really? It's a pronouns joke. Elon Musk did one. It's embarrassing, guys. It's too easy. It was...

It was kind of funny the first time someone thought about it. Probably at this point, 10 years ago. And now it just keeps getting fucking recycled. Giannis had a decent one. It was a hee-haw are my pronouns. Because that makes sense. We got something. I just think the pronouns in general...

We got to put it on ice. Yeah, yeah. It's at least in the penalty box. Right, right. Until someone comes up with something really good. Exactly. But, hey, what are you going to do? Do you have a I look like jokes? I don't. Okay. I don't. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's also penalty. Absolutely. I think you can riff it out if you're fucking... You know, if it's like... If it's in the moment...

And you're doing it for that room. Yeah. And something happened where it's like, yeah, fine. Sure. That can't be a lot of people. That's their bread and butter. Oh, yeah. It's like a closer. It's like they needed to survive. Yes. You can't do that. You have to wear a certain shirt or. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I will admit on the special. I hired this stylist and she fucking I'll be a nice girl.

Like, the cheetah print was my personal shirt. Oh, yeah. So I wasn't planning on wearing it. And then I was like, I did do like, I look like a Grand Theft Auto boss. Oh, that's good. Because that was, you know, because that was like, it was like a, that was my outfit for the day. It was like, you know, a little icebreaker or whatever. But as a part of my act, no, I do not have a, you know. Back in the day, there was always like, I look like this guy fucked that guy. Yeah, that was a big one. That's a big one, you know. All open micers listening to this, you can't do any of those. Yeah.

It's over. I look like Guy Fieri on Dialysis. I don't mind what I look like, but when you do the, I look like Super Mario fucked Luigi or whatever. Somebody fucked somebody. It's over. Although my favorite one of those was Eli. Fuck, what was his last name? Remember? Eli Sayers. Oh, Sayers is hilarious. Great joke writer. This is how ahead of it he was.

Open mic days in D.C., he had a joke that said, I look like if a pedophile fucked a child. That's a great joke. That's funny. Because that flips the whole fucking... It flips it. He does look like that. Yeah, he does look like he got molested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great joke, Ryder. Shout out to Eli Serif. But see, that's the thing. You got to know the rules to break them. Exactly, exactly. And that's why he's a good joke writer. Anyway, look, we've talked...

we got to know Mark. We've been on for a while, right? We can do the advice segment. Yeah, we're 50 minutes. Look at Eldis. He was lounging, not even ready to work that morning. Did you see him fucking hustle? Just think about it. He's like, oh!

I'm still recovering. Fucking snoozing. Holding in his shit. Holding in that... He's holding in that... His sphincter is like at the end of a cliffhanger. He's got his... His fucking asshole has two fingers left on the ledge. And it's just begging to be let up. Don't look down. Don't look down.

Yeah, this asshole is just quivering. One crumb is coming out. Isn't that cliffhanger just hanger? So, you know, we got enough of, you guys know Mark. If you don't know him, you got a little taste for our friend here. And we're going to solve some problems here, Mark. Hell yeah. Let's do it. So if you want to be on the show, guys, 904-800-STAV. And Eldest, play us up with our first one.

Nice. Nice. Yeah, we're talking. Well, here I am.

Anyway, I recently realized that it's very rare I find a woman attractive, but it's kind of happening more and more. Interesting. I desperately want to eat pussy. I try Tinder, Mokey Cupid, Bumble. I don't get any interest. I don't even think I know how to talk to them, really. Yeah. Because in the gay world, I can just kind of be open and say what I'm looking for and be met back with interest.

But it seems maybe more complicated with women. I'm not even talking about anything crazy, though. Just a casual relationship with a bigger lady who just wants to be eaten, fingered, and played with. The only really weird part is that I'm not into fucking or being fucked by men or women. I'm usually not interested in myself coming. I know that maybe sounds weird to some people.

I'm not opening conversation with this stuff though, but it feels like I should make my interest known. But I'm not getting any conversations at all. No messages back, no likes or hearts or anything. Recently I started going down the fetish route. Oh boy. I think that's the right move actually. I can say what the rules are and what I want to do, but still zero interest on any apps, even like PetLife or Field.

What do you look like? What can I do wrong? Do I somehow only appeal to cops? I don't know. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Holy moly. Big fan. This is very interesting. Yeah. No likes even on FetLife. You're not... What's going on here? Are you... Ben, are you a fucking... Are you a fugly piece of shit? You sound like a cute guy. Wait, what is FetLife? It's like a...

FetLife and Field is like a fetish. Oh, I thought it was feta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Greek one. For obese Greek people that want to fuck. I'm the king of FetLife. If there was an app for fat Greek people sucking and fucking, I'd be at the top. Oh, yeah. But, okay, so this is interesting. So we've got a 37-year-old. He thought he was going to be a lifelong homosexual. And then late in life, he's coming to God.

This is good. This means your grandmother's prayers are working. What this means is she's almost there. Grandma, enlist a friend. You've almost got him to the right side.

I'm confused. He's gay? He's gay. And he's in a 17-year relationship. He's a gay guy in an open relationship. You know how gay guys are. Okay, got it. They're married, but they can suck other guys off every once in a while. It's a beautiful thing they got going. Living the dream. They really are. And he's been having a great time. He's living in the gay garden of Eden. Yes. Where you can say, hey, I'd like to suck your cock. And a guy's like...

Okay, you know, I wasn't really wanting you to do it, but you asked nicely, so sure. Why don't we go back into my car and you can suck my cock real fast? Sure. And they're like, sounds good. And they shake hands and then they suck each other's dicks and then go back to, you know, work or whatever. Yeah. And so now he wants to eat pussy and he's realizing it ain't so easy to score box. Exactly. But I got to say, I'm actually pretty shocked because, okay, buddy, so he's tried all the apps. He's tried everything. Yeah.

I would have said go to Field because from what I understand, you know, it's pretty... I'm not on it, but it's pretty... That one's like an app for some slight fetish stuff. Threesome. It started as like a threesome app. Oh, okay. And now it's like, you know...

Maybe I need to do a little field research. Yeah. And kind of go on there so I can help our friends out. But also, he said he doesn't like fucking. He's not into fucking or cumming. That's a whole other thing. Yeah. He's clearly what I would say is like a service. I don't know what the term is. Is he a bottom? He's a giver. Is he a top? He's a giver either way you look at it. But he just wants to suck cock. Interesting. And eat pussy. Yeah.

I mean, this guy sounds like a saint. That's what I'm saying. I think you've got a real... The product sounds incredible, and the marketing department is fucked up. That's what it feels like. Yes, yes. Because I think there's... You're talking about you want to...

You want, you're telling me you can't find a fat lady to let you eat her pussy? Exactly. No, she's out there, pal. You're fucking up big time. I don't know what you're doing. He should be leading with that. That should be your bio. I don't want to get off. I want to get you off. Well, yes. And here's the other thing. And especially in these, in the, in the like fetish community, you'd think that that would be, you know, people would be into it. I think where you're fucking up personally is that you aren't leading with the novelty here.

You are trying to go into it. You're trying to get pussy like a straight guy would try and get pussy. And as a straight guy, you probably couldn't get that much pussy. You don't know the tips and tricks. You haven't been out here, you know, you haven't been out here grinding, getting rejected for 17 years. You've you've and especially when if you're a gay guy and your big ask is, can I suck your dick?

I'm going to guess you're looking at a 96% success rate on something like that. Yeah, two words. You're not trying to fuck somebody in the ass. You're just like, pull your cock out and put it in my mouth for a sec. Most gay guys, and now this maybe is my homophobia, maybe there's a little homophobia, but I'm still thinking most gay guys would be like, yeah, fuck it, you can put my dick in your mouth for a sec. And some straight. You can blow me. I'll take it. Yeah, absolutely. So I think where you're fucking up is not... What I would push here...

is the novelty. If you said...

17 year old gay, you're 17, not 17 year old, but 17 year, you know, I've been gay. I'm exploring. Yes. The new side of myself. That's good. I have any, I would love to, you know, explore, try, experiment, experiment with a woman. Have, dude, have pictures with you and your boyfriend. Cause this might even sound like a, something eldest might pull to try and get pussy. A guy, you know what I mean? Like some, like this is actually a pretty good scam for someone else. Yeah. To pretend to be gay. Oh,

To get pussy? Oh, that's good. But you're not doing that, and we're not saying be dishonest here on Stobby's World. Sure. Mark's mad he's married. He was like, that's a good one. I was like, damn, I missed that boat. Mark's like, this is me with my partner. It's a pic of him and Stob. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, here's me in a thruple, and it's like me, you, and Sam from the podcast picture we took together. I'm in a loving gay thruple, and I just want to try pussy for the first time. And I think you go in kind of timid, like, I'm nervous. Help me. Please walk me through this, Mom. You really get less threatening.

Absolutely. And it also seems like his vibe, right? Because he doesn't want to fuck. He doesn't want to get fucked. Exactly. He just wants to eat pussy. He does want to be of service here. Yes. He does want to be kind of like, it sounds like you're a little submissive here.

And there's got to be the fat version of your film teacher. Yeah. There is some fat lady with blue glasses and a beehive that is absolutely going to let you suck her pussy. Yes. Without question. So you're right. It's all marketing. You just got to spin this better. I think it's a better spin. And I also think like, you know, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's what it is. I think it's marketing. You got to spin this better. And you don't have, I feel like, you know, you don't have any friends that are women who can kind of put the feelers out. Yeah. I think especially in like, you got to think there's like bi people that would just, they would just, people would be interested in this out of a novelty alone. Right. And especially since all you're looking for is no strings. Yeah.

I don't know. I would lead with that, especially on these fetish apps. That's my thought process here. Yeah. Other than that, I would say go to a rockabilly bar and find the fattest ladies there, and they'll probably let you eat their pussies. It's pretty interesting that the, like, bare fat fetish, like, applies when he's, like, interested in women, too. I didn't know it would work like that. He wants, like, a bigger lady. The man likes what he likes.

Good for him. This is very doable. Very doable. You want to eat out of that chick. That's the good news. And it sounds like you might. That's very doable.

very easy. Wow. Whoa. We should get fucking Eldis from eight years ago to give you some pointers with the world champion at that sport. Is this from Eldis? Is this called? Is this Eldis? Yeah, let's call Eldis. Let's get into DeLorean and contact Eldis when he first moved to Brooklyn. That wasn't food poisoning. He was fucked in the ass.

So we believe in you and I think a little bit is that you are putting out a timid energy of a guy who doesn't deserve to eat pussy. You gotta believe, this is a little bit of the secret. You gotta believe in yourself.

Switch up your fucking switch up your, you know, your your pitch, your pitch, switch up your pitch. And then also, I would say go through some grassroots. You don't have any friends that are interested in getting their pussy eaten. Maybe even like maybe you have a lesbian friend that's on the flip side of this. It wants to get her pussy eaten by a guy. I don't know. I'm just saying look within the community, your community of friends that.

Yes, the internet is very vast. Absolutely. You will find a fish if you keep that hook out. I agree. And please call us back when you do eat pussy. Yes, and send us a weird video. We'd love to hear how it goes. DM Mark your penis. Yeah, please. Even the... Oh, here we go. All right, here we go. Let's play another one, LD. Hey, stop, man. This is...

Nox, bro, I'm driving to work right now. New job, been there a couple of months. Having a hard time trying to change my kind of vocabulary. I say gay and retard a lot and, you know, potentially going to cause some problems with some new peers.

I got two words for this guy. Gas digital. They're hiring...

guy will get promoted in a week. Three people will get that joke. Wow, so you're driving... Yeah, I mean, look, dude, here's the thing. You shouldn't be saying that at work anyway, right? It's like, you know that. There's some words that are kind of like...

It's like you're not taking a fucking cheesecake for lunch every day. Right. No, that's a little treat. Good point. You go home, you have one slice of cheesecake. Yeah. That's saying gay retard. Right. You say it every once in a while to your friends when they're acting like one of those. Yeah. But you don't, you know, it's the same thing applies here and you have to have a little moderation. It sounds like you're going overboard. Overboard.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm hoping he doesn't work at Disneyland. That's what I'm picturing. Who's the next gay retard up for Splashdown? He's the front desk guy at a pediatrician's office. What a popsicle you gave retard. Oh, man. So, look, that's how you got to look at it. You got to look at these as little treats.

that you know you probably shouldn't have, right? But they taste so good coming out of your mouth. Yeah, they do. But at the same time, the same thing applies. You wouldn't have eight fucking root beers at work. You know what I'm saying? You have one root beer at night as a little treat. You wouldn't have eight. You wouldn't smoke a joint at work. You'd smoke, you know. And even if you did, you'd probably take a little one hitter

And then you go in and you do it privately. Yeah. Okay? So if you want to text one of your friends and call them gay before work starts, that's fine. But the same thing applies as to anything that's bad for you that feels good. Right. The same rules apply for saying words you shouldn't say. Yeah. And, you know. You shouldn't smoke at work, but do it like a wake and gay. Yeah. When you're at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At home and then get it out. Call your girlfriend gay. Yeah. Yeah.

Awaken gay, exactly. He could get a job with like Fire Patrol because it's flame retardant. Yeah, absolutely. You want to work the word retardant into your vocabulary. Or you could just be a fireman. You could say whatever the fuck you want. Good point, good point. Yeah, be a cop. You could say the N-word. All right. We're rooting for you, Knox, though. You're going to get it. We feel good for you.

Godspeed. What do we got? Davi baby. It is Griff Daddy from Minnesota here. Daddy. So I'm a student teacher right now, meaning I'm working on my master's in elementary ed and I'm working at a school even though I'm not fully hired there yet.

Interesting. Yeah.

Or is it the shooter got to shoot? All that bullshit. Yada, yada, yada, sexual harassment. And he's like, he hasn't even talked to her. That's the best part. Right. He saw a hot woman. Yeah. He doesn't know if there's a vibe at all.

And he's like, should I try and fuck her? Or should, despite the fact that I'm a student teacher who has no read on whether she likes me or not, and that I'm invading her space temporarily. Right. What do you think this would be a good, what part of this is a good plan to you, motherfucker? You're also a student teacher. You're not even going to be there that long. What does that mean? Student teacher. He's, he's training at the school.

Oh, got it, got it, got it. So it was part-time. So what I would... Look, what I would say is, first of all, you should at least... You know, this is just... You just saw a hot woman and you're going to try and fuck her. Should not be your go-to. That shouldn't be how you're wired, especially in a professional setting anyway. Now...

In reality, you are a student teacher. You're not going to be there forever. So why don't you, here's a crazy thing, talk to this woman friendly. See if there's even one iota of a chance she might want to fuck you and be real with yourself. Don't put a spin on it. Be realistic. Are you getting any vibe whatsoever? I would say you're better off

making friends with her, you know, just being a good member of the community at this school. And then, since you're cycling out anyway, you know, you're not going to work there. At the end of this situation, if there has been some kind of rapport and you have a little something stricken, a little friendship, maybe you have lunch, whatever the fuck it is, at the end of this, when you're not going to be her co-worker, then you ask her out. She'll say no, right? Mm-hmm.

Almost certainly she'll say no. But I don't think you should try and fuck her while you work there. It's going to look really bad because, again, she's probably going to say no. You don't know her at all. It's like he hasn't even tried. You don't think the name Griff Daddy will help him? Yeah.

I got an idea because I think you're right. I think it won't go well. But A, you have the teacher bond. You know, you can be like, hey, you're a teacher. I'm working on being a teacher. Do you have any tips? Like now you have an in. Yeah. You have an in because you have a similar job. Right. And if that doesn't work, poison one of her kids. Yeah.

just a little and then help the kid. I love this. I love this. You know, you give him the Heimlich or you, you have mouth to mouth, whatever you do to help the kid. And now you're in as a hero. Smart. Find the kid with a shrimp allergy. Yes. Put a, put a little lobster in his fucking sippy cup. Yeah. Have an EpiPen in your back pocket. Boom. Stab him while no one's looking. Boom.

And you've saved him. Make sure it's her favorite one, too. Yes, you're a hero. Save the gay retarded kid that Knox knows, and you're in. Yes, but here's the thing. I don't trust this guy getting the dosage right. No.

He's going to kill some fucking guy. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, this woman wasn't even single. He just overheard something he wanted to hear. Right. She's like, you have a craft single? He's like, what the hell? Single. But yes, that's... You know, those are your two best bets. Make sure it's a non-lethal dose of whatever, you know. Yes. Of whatever you're... However you save the child. But, you know, other than that...

Try and become friends with this person. See if there's any kind of connection. And at the end, when you leave the thing, if there's a shot, it'll happen. Hear, hear. But I don't have any confidence in you personally. I want to make that clear. I'd love to see this teacher, but can I just say teacher is the freakiest hoax.

on the planet. Teachers and nurses. Nurses I could definitely see. Because they've seen it all. They're dealing with bedpans all day so my dick isn't that gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't gross them out. Yeah. But teachers, I think they deal with kids so they have to be proper. So when they've

hook up with you and they're just like, alright, an adult, I can really let it go. Well, and yeah, a teacher, anyone whose life is fucking hard, that they really need to enjoy the nut. Yes, yes. Because the rest of their life is fucking brutal. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. That's interesting. I wonder if I've fucked any teachers. I've fucked up with some freaky, like,

professor types, but that's not the same thing. That's not the same thing. It's gotta be kids. Blue collar, blue collar teacher situation. Yeah. Call in if you're a teacher and you want to fuck me. There you go. Not 904, 800 staff hit us with another one. Big L. Hey, you're a big pump, man. Love you. Uh, thanks. I got a problem with, with one of my childhood best friends. He is, I don't know. I've known him for probably 10 plus years or so. Um,

Damn. You're his father figure, you're his best friend. Yeah.

and i you know don't want to overstep my boundaries as a friend but i also just genuinely care about the guy um got to the point where it's like ruining some friendships ruining some relationships in his life you know people see that i'm associated with him they're like nah man like so much for drunk or sorry like you can't come because don't so wow um just i don't know really how do i approach the situation

I've tried to have the talk with him like man to man, like hey man, I feel like you're ruining your life, your career, but I just can't get the words right. So any advice? Great. Thanks, Duff.

Tough one. Wait, I zoned out. Can you give me the... Yes, yes, of course. And by the way, folks, we got to really work on our storytelling. Yeah. We might have to start putting in a 45 second and under rule, Eldis. From now, I'm going to start saying that. We got to get them... Maybe a minute. Very few under 45. All right. We're working towards 45, though, folks. A lot of dead air here. Basically...

All of this was to say that he has a friend who's a wild drunk and it's ruining his life. They're best friends. Okay. And he's worried about him. How does he help him? He's had a conversation with him. Also, at the end there, he was like, yeah, I mean, you know.

People will invite me to stuff They won't let me come Because they know I'm associated with him So he did kind of Get a little personal there At the end Where he can't go to parties Or whatever But Yeah I mean This is a common issue Right? Sure Especially it's like Did he say how old he was Eldest? I don't think so No he didn't mention his age So it's If I had to guess He said they've been friends For like 10 years Yeah

What does this feel like? Mid-twenties? When we know plenty of people in comedy who right around mid-twenties, late-twenties, they've had this realization and they kind of fucking get sober. So...

Have you ever been a part of any kind of, any like, what are those called? Interventions or anything like that? Yeah, well, I had two friends die from heroin. Damn. So I get it, but this is a tough spot, but it's always some deep-rooted sadness or trauma. So you got to figure out what that is and then work out. Right. You know, so this guy, your friend, is going through something.

Because that's why he's getting shit-faced every night. So I would go in with that. Like, go in from a place of, like, what's really going on? Yeah, yeah. Not just like, hey, you drink too much, you got to get your act together. Because that's what your drill sergeant says, you know? Of course, of course, of course. And it never helps. It never helps to hear this stuff. You don't think this guy knows everything? You don't think when he's fucking hungover, when he wakes up with fucking, you know, a

whiskey sour on his shirt and he's missed work at the Mexican restaurant he's still a bar back at. Right. You don't think he's thinking of all the shit that he's fucked up? He knows it. So, Mark, you're absolutely correct where it's like, yeah, let's get to the bottom of this. And then when you find out

Try and be gentle about it. You can't be like, all right, man, everybody gets fucking molested. Stop fucking drinking. You know what I mean? Like, you got to fucking, you got to massage it and kind of like try and get him into like, I don't know, therapy, that kind of thing. But at the same time, what's really difficult here and what's hard to hear is that sometimes it does have to come from the person.

Right? You can help him. You can say like, hey man, we got to get you, you know, what kind of support? Because I think support is a much better thing than scolding. Yes, yes. Because scolding is just going to put him deeper into, you know, whatever hole he's in. Totally. So try and get some support. And look, the other reality is like at a certain point, your friend has got to want to make these changes. That's what's difficult about like personal changes and like, you know, these demons and shit like that.

And maybe there'll come a time where he'll ask for help and you can be there, but you got to come there from a place of support. And otherwise, though, it's like, unfortunately, it really is up to him. Like, you know, we've had so many friends that have quit drinking and it's really, you talk to them about it, it's like...

They just fucking quit drinking one day. I know. And they just decided it's over and they've hit rock bottom and they've fucked a ton of shit up. And I wish there was something easier to say, some easier path. But all you can do is be a supportive friend within reason, right? Like if his behavior starts fucking your shit up,

Part of what you have to do is kind of make them face a consequence. You can't let him get away with being a fucking... He crashes your fucking car. You got to treat him like a drunk guy who crashed your car. You can't be like, oh, that's okay. We just need to get you into fucking rehab. So I don't know, man. I agree that you can't come at him scolding and drill sergeant wise. And you just have to also, you know,

And you could try, this is some real mom shit, but you could try like, hey man,

you know what, we get drunk a lot. Let's me and you just go see a movie and just walk around, get dinner, and just try to see if you can do it without getting shit-faced one night. And that might shake him out of it. Because getting shit-faced every night is actually difficult. As a guy who just did this weekend with Bert Reischer, by the third night, you're like, I'm shitting blood. I don't remember anything. I hate myself. I can't think straight. My brain is mush.

But alcoholics figure it out. Yeah, they really do. It's the same way when I think about that, where I'm like, how can a hungover guy get drunk? And then I think about the times I've ordered fried chicken with diarrhea. It's like, I'm that guy for food. You know what I mean? It's like Eldis over here with his fucking biscuit breakfast. His asshole's fucking begging for mercy. His hair of the hot dog. Yeah, hair of the hot dog. I'll keep eating. Fuck.

So yeah, good luck, buddy. Be as supportive as you can be and try and manage your expectations. And hopefully when your friend decides it's time to change, that's really when you can shine. Hear, hear.

You ever think about quitting drinking? All the time. But I need it for certain occasions. I've gotten good at drinking where I don't really black out. I don't do crazy shit anymore. I used to jump off the roof into the pool. I was that guy. But now I'm just getting drunk. I have three, four cocktails and I'm good. Okay, nice. So that's my compromise. That's good. Because the hangovers to me, that's really what ruins you. Of course. Your whole day's gone. Yeah.

And it's like, I think there's different compulsions. And it's like, even though you do get fucked up, if you've handled it, you're probably okay. Your shit's probably more, you know, fucking a random woman. Yeah, exactly. The way I have food. It's like, I can do drugs, but food ruins me. It's like, you'll drink, but fucking whores will ruin you. Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So it's like everyone has their own, like, their own real thing. Yeah. Whereas, like, real drunks...

Those motherfuckers are out of control. Yeah. And, you know, shout out to our friends who have gotten it together. Oh, yeah. Although part of me is sad I never... Because you knew drunk, Joe. You knew drunk, Dan. Soder, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even a tell I remember being drunk. Wow. Holy shit. That's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. I got everybody on their, like, gentler on the second half of their, you know, their journey, which is cool, too. Yeah, it was pretty great. It was like seeing Deion Sanders, you know, like, in a game. Like, you see Deion Sanders, you're like, hey, Deion Sanders, so happy to see him. But when you saw him in a game, you're like, whoa, Deion, Deion. Whoa, Deion shitting in that bowl of guacamole. Yeah.

He just took a cop's gun. Look at that. Soder. Ah, fuck. All right, I'll just hit us with the next one. Stabby baby, what's happening? So, my situation is...

I have a new girlfriend for about seven months now. This guy's Mitch Hedberg. She's the one, dog. Your fans love Weedle. They say, you know, you know, you know. Damn, I know. This is the go one. Okay, good for you. I could go on and on, but my question is...

Oh, no. Yeah.

It didn't work out. I'm completely over it. But this ring is like perfect for my new girlfriend. It's like an antique. It's like an antique from four years ago. The other girl was like kind of boozy bitch. Like...

didn't appreciate stuff like that. Like, I just feel like this thing is perfect for her. And I don't know if I should get it reset, if I should, like, take it to the pawn shop and, like, use that money to buy a different ring. Like, I don't fucking know, man. This thing is perfect for her. She doesn't know.

But he does know that I was engaged before. So, and I'm a terrible fucking liar. So, I don't know, bro. Like, let me know. This guy sounds like a sweet guy. He does. He does. He's a sweet, cheap guy. Right, right. A man after your own heart, Mark. This fucking, look, buddy. Come on. It's like, you can't.

It's like, oh, really, is it perfect for her or do you have the ring on her? What the fuck are you talking about? It's perfect for her. No, it's not. You bought it for some other lady who you said didn't appreciate stuff like that, which means you got a cheap ring. You got a ring that wasn't right for the first woman. Oh, and now it just happens to be perfect for the other woman? Mm-hmm.

I think just karmically you got to go fresh. Go fresh. There's no way. There's no way. There's no way you can do the same one with the same... You could get it reset, all that stuff, but this is not your great-grandmother's ring. This is some lady you used to fuck's ring. Right. You know what I mean? This isn't a romantic story of where the ring came from. Yeah. And you see him head over heels with this girl. Everything seems good. She's not pressuring you, but...

You got to go new ring. Get a new ring. Sell that bad boy. I'd give this, this is seven months though. Like a lot of people are head over heels in seven months. I would give this a year at least. A year minimum. I kind of agree. Yeah. Give yourself five more months. Sell the ring right now. There you go. The ring gets sold. Okay. Keep the fucking money. Now, I also don't trust this guy with,

I'm going to get $500 cash either. But whatever. I don't trust him with whatever the money is from the ring either. He does seem like a sweet guy, but doesn't seem like a guy who budgets too well. But it's got to be a different ring. And I think you got to be on fucking probation five months. Yeah.

You can't. Seven months is, it's still the sweet spot. Totally. It's still a really nice part in the relationship. Yeah, this is till death. Let's not forget that. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, fuck. Just hold Mark's one shot for a while on that one. Yeah. Did you have like a proposal? What was your proposal? What was your ring? You got it. I went out and bought a real full expensive ring. Nice. And I had a lot of help. And then we were on Martha's Vineyard with her family.

Oh, very nice. And we took a moped out, and it was all romantic. Went to a beach, and I said, oh, I got to take a whiz. Can you block me? So we're on the beach. There's a couple over there. I'm peeing in a bush. Yeah, yeah. I pull the ring out, and she's facing the ocean. I go, oh, damn it. Can you help me out here? And I was on one knee. She started crying, and then...

The best part was the old couple on the beach went, congratulations! And it was fun. That's awesome. The crazy, this is where I get too cheesy, but we drove back on the moped and she's holding me and you can hear the... That was me crying because I made a mistake. But no, it was a beautiful moment. It's you crying because she said yes. Yeah, exactly. And I was on the highway like...

Should I? I'll kill us both. It'll be the most romantic story. That's nice, man. That's cute. It was very nice. And when you say you had help, you like her friends, your friends? How do you? I had her sister. Like, what the hell do I buy? I don't know anything about jewelry. And she gave me some tips. That's good. For all our listeners that are thinking about an engagement ring, ask a friend, ask a sister, ask a cousin. Definitely. Yeah.

All right, LD, what do we got, man? This is nice. Nice and short. Hi, Savvy and whoever is on today. I love you so much. Let me just say that. But I wanted to call and ask my boyfriend of like 10 years birthday next is this month, actually. February, the end of this month. I wanted to ask.

what are some good gift ideas for men? Because it is so hard to find gifts for men that are not like wallets and all that. So if you guys have any advice, let me know. Obviously, the obvious answer is a blowjob. That's a given. I need something else.

Let me know. Thank you. Not a present. Great gal. Great. Love this. This is actually what we can be helpful, the kind of shit we can be helpful for. Yeah. And it's just a shame that this will probably come out after your boyfriend's birthday.

True. But, you know, if you're listening, you're a good girlfriend, you called with plenty of time, but, you know, we've got an Albanian going through the calls. He doesn't know about time sensitivity. Yeah.

He's texting with ice. Hold on, a few more weeks. Did you ever encounter any Albanians? I like to ask this question. Do you know any? If I did, I didn't know it. Yeah, not a lot of Albanians in New Orleans. No, no. No Albanians. We had Greeks, but no Albanians. Greeks everywhere. Interesting. I always like to ask,

whether they've had any run-ins with Greeks or Albanians. Yeah. But no, so you would definitely rank Greeks over Albanians, though. Oh, yeah. Nice, nice, nice. The only Albanian I've met are, like, driving, like, a weird gypsy cab or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your stereotype? Because, you know, we all know Greek, you know, gay sex, mythology. Right, right, right.

I don't know. I mean, I think the stereotypes is just... Well, Borat was originally supposed to be an Albanian character. Which breaks my heart. Because we've been friends literally since we were five years old. And we've been shitting on him for being Albanian. And if Borat was Albanian, it would be incredible. That'd be great. We looked up racial slurs for Albanians one time. You see like...

Red face, square head. Interesting. Oh, both of those apply. Those are a couple slurs, but, you know, just some, like, bowing. Wow, square head. That's good. That's really good. You know the most famous Albanian? Belushis. Yes, the Belushis. That's the only Albanians I know. Half of Regis.

Isn't Regis like a quarter? Yeah, or half or something. Eliza Dushku. Of course. Oh, she's hot. Action Bronson. Oh, all right. Half Albanian, half Jew. Some might say Dua Lipa. She is Kosovar, but we'll put her in there.

Nah, you don't get to count the good Kosovars. You take them all or you take none, Eldis. Nice try. Another Albanian trick. You square-headed motherfucker. Another red-faced square-head trick.

All right, let's return to our friend here who asks about gifts for men. This is a nice, very thoughtful question, and I agree. Blowjob is not an answer. That is just part of it. You're not not going to blow someone on their birthday. Yes. That would be rude. And by the way, we should be blowing everyone regularly, and they should be eating pussy regularly. Yeah. I know a couple things to not give him. Okay, hit us. Don't give him anything that you want. Like, oh, I like this sweater. I'll give it to him. Ah.

Don't do that. He doesn't want the sweater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two, I'm coming up on my 40th next year, and my gal's like, what should I do? Should I throw you a party? I'm like, no. No, let's not. That is work. I don't want to go to my own party. That's a nightmare. Yeah. So don't do that. Don't throw him a party. Don't throw him a party.

Don't get him with something you want. This could be a big ham, though. You're the kind of guy who... That's true. You got social anxiety. Yeah, introvert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Closeted, all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going to invite three women and one guy you fucked without knowing it. You're going to be nervous about that. Yes, yes. You don't want any of that.

But maybe, you know, certain people I think would really enjoy. You've met the like, you know, the guy who puts the lampshade on his head. The big goof. So, you know, but that's a good point. Think about the personality type of the guy, not what you want for him or what's standard, right? Because I think a big party is standard. Yeah. Probably not, you know, his thing if it's not his thing.

I think something he needs, you give a guy something they need. You're like, oh, shit, I needed this. That's huge. And an experience, I think, is nice. I think an experience is better than a thing you're going to throw in a closet. Sure. You know, so like a trip or a dinner or a concert, something like that. Yeah, that's good too, all that stuff. And I think what's also good is like you could do a little bit of –

one for you, one for him kind of thing where it's like you have a romantic kind of couple oriented present. And then you also have like maybe you buy him and his boys or you buy him a ticket and his boys, or you and his boys chip in on like front court seats or something like that. Like some shit that's like that you're not involved with, right? That you admit like half of your life you don't want me in. Right.

Right. You know what I mean? Which is true. The best relationship, it's like, yeah, sometimes for my birthday, like for every holiday, I have a part that I like to spend with family and with a girlfriend. And then I have, you know, literally...

Part of Christmas is me and the fellas get fucked up on mushrooms and see, you know, me, Eldis, my brothers, our friend George, our friend Pete. We were watching during the pandemic when we couldn't go to the theaters. We were on mushrooms watching Tenet right in this living room. You know what I mean? Like that was for the boys. But you could split it up in that regard. What are some of the best gifts you've gotten, Eldis? You have a very thoughtful girlfriend. I think she usually crushes the gifts. Yeah. Um...

I mean, she does get me clothes and stuff, but I like them. She's got good taste. She's got good taste. L-O-V-E, North Face. That's right. Yeah. You can't go wrong with some brands like that. Sure. She got me a trip to Norway for my 30th birthday. And a fucking computer. She crushes it, dude. Oh, man. She's got some money. No, just a good person. Yeah, so get him a new computer.

Yeah. International trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty simple, though. I always like a... I mean, I like to read, but I like a book, usually, I feel like. Well, that's another nice thing, is that you want to have one showstopper. Yep. And then some cheap shit that might even be more meaningful. Right, right. A book, you know what I mean? A fucking dinner at a nice restaurant, all this kind of shit. Yeah.

A good knife, if they like to cook. Yeah, there you go. Like, what are his hobbies, right? Like, for a while, when I was really getting... When I was, like, getting into cooking, somebody gets me a nice Japanese knife. That's fucking killer. You know what I mean? Killer and thoughtful and useful. Yeah. Yeah. Rice cooker. The sojirushi. Yay. One of the finest rice cookers you can get on the market. My family was always really bad at giving gifts. Like, I feel like we would always, like, pass money around in envelopes. Yeah. Just some bullshit that no one really wanted. Yeah. But...

You know, my girlfriend's so good at giving gifts, and I've realized, like, a big part of gifts is just, like, you know, you can get a bunch of little shit, and it can be awesome. Sure. Like, if you have, like, six or seven things that aren't that expensive, but it's just fun to, like, open up a bunch of shit and stuff. So a couple shirts, a book, just some shit to round things up. Another memorabilia of shitty loves. Oh, yeah. Somebody gets you, like, a Seinfeld script signed. Sure. You'd love that. That'd be awesome, yeah. Somebody gets, you know, a book.

band, movie, you know, all that kind of shit. Yeah. Some guys are big collectors of things. Yes, for sure. Blu-rays, all that kind of shit. So it depends. What kind of guy do you have? And I would say, you know, and obviously, does he talk about shit he likes? Is there something that he doesn't want to pull the trigger on? If you have a cheap, somebody who's cheap and you get them something they would never get themselves. Oh, that's good. That's a good one. Mm-hmm.

Good luck. And let's go past the BJ and go right to the old pooper. Yeah, get the poop shoot in the mix. Eat his ass. Yeah. You know, put his balls and his dick in your mouth. Yeah, BJ is like a Tuesday. You know, we got to kick that up for a birthday. Absolutely. No, and that's enough. I'm not saying this is this woman because she seems, she's thoughtful enough to call into this show. She's probably sucking dick if I had to guess.

Don't make sucking dicks scarce and then when you bring it back in, act like you've done something. Exactly. You took away something I deserved. You took away basic rights. Yes. You know? Here, here. So anyway, that's just something I got to get off my chest. I like it. Eldest, hit us with a bang or something nice, dude.

We're nearing the end here of this experiment, and we really want to start getting maybe one or two really good ones. And I finally got your name kind of right. Yeah, yeah. I know the transcript. For those listening and watching, we use a transcription that always fucks my name up. Mm-hmm.

Oh, shit. Okay. What?

Should I move out? Should I move on? Should I put this on my own life? Holy hell. Or like, should I just stick with it? I'm going to be going to school soon. Should I just keep on? I'm also watching my buddy Zane's kid at the same

What the fuck? I think Dave's fucking your sister. Yeah. Oh my God, this poor guy. I know. I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is crazy. You've been... Somebody who does not know how bad he has it. Yeah, this guy's been taken advantage of for years.

Running an unlicensed daycare for room and board. Holy shit. You're essentially an indentured servant in your sister's home. Now, look, maybe she's paying him. Maybe. Well, but he's like, I've been living with my sister for about six years, now taking care of her kid or whatever. That's probably the rent. You take care of my kids, you don't have to pay rent. That's what I'm guessing. That's not enough. That's not enough. That's not enough.

Now after six years, I'm taking care of her other ones and you're taking care of... So you said you don't like kids that much. Are you good at it? Because I've got news for you.

Being a good babysitter, being a childcare person, that's a fucking good job. Good money. Good money. And if you're currently making good money, which I don't know, if you're not, move out. Yeah. Like, that's, let's start right there. Right. If you're being taken advantage of somehow and, you know, if you're making what amounts to less than, like, 30 bucks an hour, you're not making good money. Mm-hmm.

Um, you're going to be going to school soon. There's some pedophile listening to this going, damn, this guy's got it made. Holy shit, he hit the jackpot. Yeah, 100%. Um,

going to school soon so wait you moved there it's been six years six years you're 24 you've been just been being a nanny what's going on like is your sister cool is she sick yeah like what like i don't i if we're not missing some context then you're getting your ass fucked here yes completely and then now the friend is like oh this is the douche you watch his kids i can walk all over him

But he said he doesn't like if you do like it, this is kind of an interesting like way to begin your business. But if you don't now get out, man. And what do you want to do, buddy? Yeah, you got some life to live. Why did you go there? Was it did your family force you almost? In which case, get out. Yeah. Now, if you went because you're like now maybe you're saving money, maybe you're making some money, which is fine. That's good. But if you're not, if none of that is happening, then.

Then, yeah, get the fuck out. You're just... And look, it's nice of you to help your sister, but you're 24. This is like the middle of your life. Yeah. You've spent... Like, have you been getting pussy from 18 to 24? Have you been making friends? Have you been, you know, doing anything? You said you're going to school soon.

what the fuck have you been doing? Just working there, working as an unlicensed nanny for 60 years. I know that's tough on the old resume. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my fucking, my, my sister's out. She's kind of sucking some strangers off, but I can make a mean grilled cheese. Yeah. So she kind of bullied me into moving in with her and making sure her kid doesn't fucking kill itself. Yeah. Um,

Yeah, get out, man. Go live. Go do something. Make your own kids. And what's going on? Why? What is... I don't understand the context here. I don't either. He must have just been helping his family out. He must have, you know... He sounds like a nice guy. He sounds like a bit of a pushover. Yeah, probably. I don't want to trash the guy, but... No, no, no. Please trash him. Okay. And also a bit of a pushover, but also he doesn't know any better, right? Because this is his family dynamic. Yeah. This happens to a lot of us. Oh, really? Where it's like, you know...

Because he moved there when he was 18. Okay. So he's a kid, right? Yeah. He's like 16, 17, and his family's like, go help your sister. Yeah. You know, who knows what his position in the family is. Right. He might be the one no one respects. Yeah. The one that they all fuck over. That's true. Or, on the flip side, when we're reading this wrong, you're a bad storyteller, he could be a fucking mess.

His sister would be like, hey, come watch my kids. Yes. I'll give you some money. She might even be fucking, he might even have a little savings account because of her. Right. So it's like, we can't really tell because you don't, you're bad at communicating. Totally. He might be on the lam. Yeah. I'll let you stay, but you got to watch my kids. And yeah, you should go to school to just for basic communication skills, if nothing else. Because I really can't understand what the fuck's going on in your life. Yeah. Boy, there's so many fascinating stories out there.

It's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many different weird contexts of how does this guy even spend six years watching his sister's kids. So do we have any of this right, pal? Again, we don't really know. But if you're in a situation where you're getting your ass fucked by your sister and your family, move out. If things are going good and you're getting paid a nice amount and you like working with kids, although you said you don't really. No. Then decide what you want to do next and move.

Make a move when it makes financial sense. But if you're not in a good financial position, get out. And I lean towards get out and start your own thing. Here, here. Anyway. Definitely. Just as like a general rule of thumb. Yes. Because it sounds like you're in a weird little holding pattern. Yeah. And especially when it's surrounded by family members.

a lot of your 20s should be breaking the weird habits your family pushed upon you and becoming your own guy. And the longer you stay there, the more it feels like you're not going to do that. And you're going to end up being some weird 40-year-old nanny at this backwater town. But he's clearly kind of a wishy-washy guy. He's like, I don't like it. What should I

do. I don't know what I want to do. You got to figure something out, man. You got to take a leap. Go try some shit. Absolutely. Get out. Do some scary shit because it seems like this life is comfortable and not rewarding. Yes. You need to try something uncomfortable that's potentially rewarding. Exactly. Join the army. Yeah.

Go to Ukraine. You're going to let Putin get away with this? What area code is that? Just out of curiosity. I want to know where this guy... I don't know if we should divulge. We probably shouldn't tell, but let's know for ourselves. I just want to know where this guy's living.

That makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense. Get the fuck out. You're so close to a lot of cool places. You are. Get the fuck out, bro. We believe in you. Let's get a nice banger to see our friend Mark off here with. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. He doesn't have one. That's a whole minute and a half. This guy must really slow this down.

Oh, man. I should have known better than to ask Eldest to do his job. Fucking Albanian. The square-headed piece of shit. This is fucking...

Oh, now he's going to a long one. All right, Elders. Hey, Stavros. Calling in here. I am just giving some context. I'm a 31-year-old virgin by choice. Oof. Hashtag saving myself for marriage. Oh, no. My question is going to be about a year ago how to get friends. I started a couple seconds. Saving myself for marriage. Hilarious.

My question is going to be about a year ago, I had a good friend try to set me up with one of his friends. We went out with my other friend, guy friend, and had a good time. Seemed to be some chemistry there. But I was dating another girl at the time, so I let that one slide by for now. Pause it for a second.

You were dating a girl, but you don't get pussy. So you and a girl watched movies together every once in a while? I'm sorry. That's so weird. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop disrespecting the fundamentals of your lifestyle. So then six months passes. I'm single again, and I text her asking if she'd like to go on a date. She responds saying,

That basically God told her not to date me even though she finds me smart and handsome. Oh, God! That's brilliant. So my question is, how do I get around this? Or how do I change God's mind? How do I change God's mind? Woo!

I will send you, I guess, on Twitter a screenshot of the pretty hilarious text that she sent me for context as well. So hopefully you can sell my content there. Hey, pal. Thanks. Have a good day. Live by the retarded sword. Die by the retarded sword. This is the same God that won't let you get pussy and he's taking away some bitch that might fuck you in five years. Die.

Time for a change, pal. That's all I'm saying. Come over to the fucking heathen lifestyle. Yes, yes.

God told her. First of all, salute to this girl. Yeah. Well done, lady. Well played. Really nice. Got your ass. She threw the book at him. I mean, she was like, hey, God, the Bible says. God told him. He's smart and handsome. Hey, you know how it is with God. You got to listen to him. I mean, that's why you haven't so much as sniffed a clit in the last 31 years.

Ironically, she'll never kneel before you. That's a shame. Damn. Oh, man. Okay, so, I mean, first of all, buddy, I know you're a virgin by choice, but do you really think God told her not to date you? I mean, come on, dude. You think God was like, no, don't go out with him and watch Kevin Sorbo's new movie. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

She doesn't want to go out with you, you fucking prick. And she used the fucking bulletproof get out of date free card, man. This guy should switch to Muslim just so the women can't talk. It's an easier out. You got to go, Muzz. You got to go. Or if you want to stay Christian, Mormon. You know what I mean? There you go. He might actually be. Who knows? True, true. But look, dude.

I don't know what to tell you. I mean, she doesn't want... How do I... Go scroll to the bottom. Let's see the end of his question, the exact... How do I get around this or change God's mind? To me, the fact that you're even wondering this means go ahead and treat yourself to some head. Yeah, please. You think you should stay a virgin, but you... So let's say God did tell her not to date you. Okay, well, let's just say that happened.

Isn't it your responsibility to listen to that? Now, you could argue, well, you're a woman. You couldn't divine his true meaning clearly. We should go to a priest. Call her bluff. Take her to a priest. Right. Be like, oh, that's very interesting. Let's go talk to the priest about this. I love the idea, too, of changing God's mind. How do I change God's mind? Right.

Oh, there's a drought. Let me talk to him. I'll change his mind. And even if you could change it, using it on this. Yes, of all things. Using it on going on a couple celibate dates before she breaks up with you later. Not the tsunami in Thailand. We're going to help you dry hump while watching Boy Meets World. We need to get you soaking. We need to get you dick in a pussy or your best friend jumping on the bed next to you.

That's what we're saving God's fucking mind for. All right, man. So look, you know what it is. She doesn't want to marry and then fuck you in five years or whatever. How you go about it, on to the next. Find yourself a nice... Go to a nice potluck. Go to a church dinner. I don't even know. Jesus hung out with prostitutes. I'm just saying. Get yourself a hooker. Absolutely, dude. I think you could definitely...

There's no way that shit was. Here's the thing, dude. 31, you'd already be fucking close to dead when Jesus was around. Even if he wanted you to be a virgin. Good point. He didn't want you to be 31 and being a fucking computer programmer either. You know what I mean? You're doing a lot of shit. Jesus is so, so on. You might as well treat yourself to some tits. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. But let's say you want to maintain this.

This ain't the girl for you. This isn't going to be your eventual wife. Mm-hmm. You got to move on and you got to, you know, go to Golden Corral with a different woman. And rub one out for the sake of, you know, Allah, because...

You know, this guy's going to shoot up a school. He's not getting laid. Women are using God to turn him down. And he can't jerk off because that's illegal or whatever. He's got to jerk off. I hope so. You got to be jerking off. Tell me you're jerking off. Please be jerking off. And if you're jerking off, why aren't you just getting some pussy? Yeah, exactly. But look, again, that's your belief. I don't want to attack it stupid as I might find it.

Whatever, that's your thing. This ain't the one for you. Move on to the next, my friend. And priests are fucking kids, so if you get laid by a consensual woman, and, you know, as a guy who went to Catholic high school, they will forgive you. Yeah. That's unforgiving. That's the other thing. You're kind of spitting it. What did my man get crucified for if you can't ask for a do-over on some pussy? Yes. Here, now go get nailed. Ha, ha, ha.

You're being the asshole by not asking for forgiveness, been sinning after God, you know, after the Italians and Jews set Jesus up. Yes. So take that. Take that for what it's worth, pal. Good luck. And we're rooting for you. But man, God told her not to date me. That's classic. She's the fucking man. She rules. Good for her. I wonder if she'd give a pussy.

That's interesting. Oh, yeah. Is there like a whole group of 30s and celibate motherfuckers? Yeah, probably. They're out there. We know one. I'll tell you off air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know who you're talking about. Okay. But yeah. But that's one, though. You know what I mean? Like, where do they date? Is there like a group? I guess in church. Sure. Anyway, we've had enough fun at your expense, my no-pussy-getting friend. Yeah.

Thank you, everybody. Thanks, Mark, for coming to the show. Thanks, everybody, for calling in. 904-800-STOP. Eldest, you pulled through. That was a great call at the end. Good call. It was touch and go, but you nailed it. Yeah, give yourself the round of applause. Thank you. Go ahead. Give it to yourself.

Mark, thanks, buddy. What are we plugging? What are we saying? Hey, I got two pods. Tuesdays with Stories. We Might Be Drunk. Check it out till lunch. Got a new special coming out at the end of the year. Give it a goog and praise Allah. That's right. Go see Mark. Go see Mark in person if he's in your town. Come see us on the road. Stavi.biz for tour dates. The Fat Rascal Tour is selling out all over the place. And yeah, that's going to do it for us, folks. We'll see you next week.

Goodbye.