Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
There it is, folks. Opa! Welcome to another episode of Stavi's World. So happy to have my friends here. Mateo, Marie. We are going to get to all your fucking questions. We're going to solve your life's problems. Call 904-800-STAV.
But first, I'm going to chop it up with my guys here. We're going to fucking catch up. It's good to see both of you. That's right. Good to see both of you. Wow. Marie, I do like that we talked about it before. You are wearing the Spinelli cosplay with the orange hat. You know, people say I'm kind of mean. You are a little mean. I don't really feel that, though. Yeah, you are. You are one of the rudest people I've ever met in my life. That is true. Some say we're honest, you know? Yeah.
They go hand in hand. Exactly. I think those are my three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am just a good Christian gal. When's the last time you went to church? No. I played one of the three wise men once, though. Did you? What? What?
You know I forgot the line, but I stole that show. Which one? Myrrh? Frankincense? I'm going to say frankincense because that's the one that sounds sexy. That does sound good. I mean, myrrh sounds good. Myrrh. Myrrh sounds good. Like purr. Yeah. Purr. Exactly. Of course. You get it. Yes. Thank you guys for coming all the way out to Queens. Oh my God. Despite your protestations, you made it here finally.
And yeah, I'm happy to have you guys in the stew. How's it going? I haven't seen you motherfuckers forever. Okay, so now who did the wall? Who painted this? My sister-in-law. She did a great job. Did she do Greek diners? No, but we literally looked at Google image search Greek restaurant wall to make this happen. This is a composite. Okay. That's incredible. I feel like I'm in Santorini right now. That's right. That's right. She did good with the textures of the clouds. See that? That's sponge work right there. That's sponge work. It's really nice. She was over here like...
Come on, we don't spare any fucking expenses around here on Stavi's World. We wanted you to feel like you're in a Greek... This is if your therapist was a vulgar comedian that works at a Greek restaurant. That's the vibe here. Okay. But, you know, what's up with you guys? Let's fix your problems before we get into everybody else. How's it going? I haven't seen you guys in forever.
We see each other all the time. Pandemic happens. I mean, you busy. You traveling the world. You banging girls in, I don't know, states that I can't spell. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where were we last? Can you spell Colorado? Colorado. Try it.
Yeah. Yeah, no, shit's going good. But yeah, what's up with you motherfuckers? How's it going? You're traveling all over the place too. I think we're following each other just everywhere. It's like, oh, Stav was here last week. We got the phone. Yeah, we do have the same career. Same career. Same audience. Yeah.
Same body. Yeah, same body. Stop. We should do an OnlyFans, open up an OnlyFans of just us two and release those pictures. We really should, man. Come on. We really should. I will say, and I don't, look, this is not, this is kind of like, I can't take, you know, this is like the guy who signed Motown singers claiming like that he made the sound of Motown happen. I was the first guy that got you naked on the internet.
I was the first man to get you naked on the internet. No, you weren't because the reason... Well, your texts don't count. I was... Your iMessage just died. Accept that.
accept your iMessage to married men to closeted accountants I remember before we met each other because I was already putting up like nude photos on Instagram and then someone's like well you and Stavros basically have the same Instagram because the first photo I saw of you was you running through a sprinkler naked that was one of the classics Stavri Baby Originals and then we were like we should do photos
together. Let's do it each month. The funniest is I come over for Thanksgiving and Sour Roast literally cooked a turkey. Yes.
I had a prop turkey ready to go. You cooked a real turkey? A real turkey, a real bird. And I had no money at the time either. That was like, that hit my pot. It was like a $60 turkey. How long did you cook the turkey for? For a long time. It was like a real turkey. It was crispy. Why didn't you just get like a rotisserie chicken or something? Those are like $9. Listen, you got to fucking fake it till you make it. I'm not going to sit here. I'm not going to sit here. I love you taking care of this Greek tiger. That's right. He cooked that turkey.
If I had had a rotisserie chicken, we're fucking sitting in my living room right now. No fucking mural behind us. Doing a podcast no one's listening to. That's true. That's it. That's what really catapulted you. It's the turkey. It was the turkey. I think so. Yeah. It was just, every week was about like how to hide our dicks. It was. So, we had Mario and Luigi one.
I remember those. Those were classic. Before I had a mustache, I had to put on a fake one. Wow. Can you imagine? Wow, look at you now. In the toothless days. The bald and toothless days. Not anymore. What are you laughing at? You're going like this like the wind is blowing through your bald spot. I don't know what you're talking about. I have naturally thin hair, Marie.
Yeah, the bang is juicy. Thank you so much. The curls are pretty nice. What kind of shampoo do you use? I feel like you use like a 3-in-1. Sulfate-free. No, no. I don't use 3-in-1. 3-in-1. How dare you? Shampoo, body wash, conditioner. Don't come in here with your stock white men 3-in-1. Well, the hair is a little stringy, friend. Listen, I am in need of a new regimen, of a new routine. But, you know, I fucking... Now, I don't go to a fucking salon, but...
At Walgreens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At Duane Reade, I'm doing the best shampoo I can find at Duane Reade. That's what I'm doing. Okay, okay. No coupons. No coupons. Full price. Just points. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My CVS bucks. I use that shit. I don't know. What the fuck is that shit called? You see it in my bathroom, Eldis. Is it that round bottle shit? That round bottle? Nah, it's VO5. I saw it. No, how dare you?
No, I'm past Garnier Fructis. Garnier Fructis. Oh, my God, the green bottle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know if you went to the salon, they would probably make that, it look real juicy. I might have to go. Just go like once a quarter. Where's a good salon? Oh, I don't know. I don't have that kind of hair. That's right. Or just get hair transplants. I did it. I don't want to get hair transplants. I do think, because I think I'm just sick. This is part of the, look, we're in a Greek diner. Yes. I can't get transplants. This is your brand. Exactly. But I will say, I was just, was I telling you about it? No, I was telling my brother about it.
There will be, I gotta go bald ponytail. I'm gonna wait till it gets real nice and long. And then after that, I do have to make another move. And I was thinking, weaves. I was thinking, there is no straight white man that's dipped his toe into weaves. Why not? Why am I? Exactly, exactly. And just fucking come out with a fucking full curl, blonde curls one day. Oh, Fabio. Full Fabio. Fabio.
And then you guys could do like a rom-com, like book cover. Yeah, dude. Twins. Yeah. I want to get married. I want to get married with, you know, just hair down to my knees. I think you guys do it. You guys do it every two weeks. So I had two friends who did it. Okay. With the glued hair on the head. They really glued. Okay, nice. They glued on the head, but then they tell you you can't sweat and you can't itch it. So my...
My friend Monet got it done and then ripped it off at the airport because it was so itchy. Oh my God. And you're not supposed to. That's wild. You must have patted. You've never seen a black girl do this? Of course. The classic pat. Of course. That would feel nice. I would feel connected to the black community if I started patting my comb over. If I do it real fast, I feel like I'm in Haiti. That would be fucking sick to just be like a fat 40-year-old.
white man at his son's like parent teacher conference so he's not listening so what's going on with Trav he's just not paying attention I'm wearing dockers just like
Their shirt is only kind of tucked in. Hell yeah. That's a dream. I love that for you. But yeah, we'll get there. So the transplant's going good, though? You look great. Thanks. It's going to take... So I got it done August 29th, and then they all come in September... Or they come in the end of December. It takes four months to grow. Fuck yeah, dude. And when the doctor asked me, he was like, lineage, do you have anyone bald in your family? I was like, no. He's like, your brother? Nope. Your dad? Nope. He goes, what about your mom's dad? And I go, my mom's dad is a Mexican with a one-inch forehead.
Oh, his hair looks like Teresa Giudice. His hair sits there.
His hairline literally starts under his nose. That's awesome. He's like, and ready. Yeah. So you got fucked genetically. I got fucked genetically. But you got the, you're fucking, your body's hot though, dude. Thank you. You got that juicy fucking, the abs, you got the fat ass. It's either that or hair, dude. Yeah, you can have both. I'm kidding. You're clawing to your hair. That's like when I hear women be like, I want to be with somebody who's tall and smart. I'm like, girl, you gonna be short and smart or tall and dope? Exactly. And eldest is 6'5", by the way. So...
And he can't read. I'm just pressing buttons here. None of this is being recorded.
practicing for his DJ gig this weekend. He legit like this. Yeah, no, absolutely. That's good, man. I'm happy for you. What's going on overall? You're traveling. What's the dating life looking like? The dating life is just, I was sort of seeing this guy for like five months. We would FaceTime every single day and then we may have vacations together. Wow, that's cute. But then I was like, oh, do you want to do long distance? And he was like, I can't. It would be impossible. I just can't do it. Interesting. And I was like, God,
damn now I'm gay long distance isn't that just a guy you call sometimes yeah cause don't all gay guys suck each other suck other guys off on the side or am I being homophobic right now both you're being problematic and correct yeah
I think it's true and homophobic. I can't deny it. I mean, I guess there's like 12 guys who don't. There's 12 gay couples. And they're lying. Yeah, yeah. And one of them is cheating. Most of the guys I sleep with, which is like a very small number, but most of them are partners. Yeah. And I think their husbands know. Of course. I love to think. Well...
They tell. What do I do with this shit? Don't ask, don't tell. It's the Clinton army. The gays brought it back. Yeah. Which is for our own internalities. For dating. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. I'm dating girls in open relationships. It's pretty nice. It feels like a girlfriend Airbnb is how I put it. Okay. Where it's like, you know.
Once a week. You know what I mean? I can't afford a house, but I want to go to the fucking, you know, I want to go to the upstate, you know, what this weekend. Cabin. We'll go upstate. Cause I see everyone going upstate. I'm like, I want to do an upstate weekend. Where do people go? What would you do? Hang out with some bears? Yeah. No. Well, that's, that means a lot. Yes, he would. Uh,
Uh, no, I'm not usually into bears, but I... He said no, don't. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't want his DMs flooded with guys that look like me and Eldis. I heard you were into bears. Deactivate his whole account. I'm actually married. Sign me up. But bears are usually, like, very... I feel like if you, like, are calling yourself a bear, they've got, like, a bear flag, bear pride. Like, bears love bears, you know? And I'm just sort of, like, playing Fortnite with...
friends you don't like the the tribalism that fat gay guys have have put onto their it's not just it's not just bears it's every like i'm so too much but i want to find like an upstate like people go and like yeah a little cabin yeah where do people go did you go anywhere else did you ever go upstate like hudson i mean hudson new york is not woodstock woodstock you just find like airbnb yeah yeah what do you do up there you just like
Try not to die? Just like hippie reform people who were tired of being poor in the city for 15 years. You get some apple butter. Yeah, you go to a little shop. Yeah, you go to a shop that makes apple butter. You get your dick sucked while the leaves turn. Maybe a deer comes out and you're like, oh, it's beautiful.
Yeah, literally, that's it. You go with someone you want to fuck. You don't go to like, there's nothing to do. So you like, you fuck and then there's like, you go for a little walk and you go, you know, you go to a nice diner. So what would you do, friend? Whose husband would you take with you? I know. Let me think. Whose man would you borrow? I don't know. Any married single men out there?
I'm talking to you. I guess, I mean, I would like to go and like cook. It'd be fun to like wake up and cook. And like maybe like if there's like a hot tub or just be lazy in the forest. I don't know. No, I'm with you. There's something restorative about that. Yeah, that's what y'all say. But I've seen a lot of Lifetime movies. I've seen a lot of episodes. Where people get killed. Yes. And it's always like, this house is very secluded. The neighbor's three miles away. And it's like, you gonna die. Yeah.
What was that movie? The Strangers? What was it called with Liv Tyler? Remember? Never saw it. No, The Neighbors, The Strangers, the something where there's a married couple. They go to one of those houses and then there's three people keep antagonizing them. I am with you though. The fall, the upstate shit is really nice.
During the day and then at night I get a look cuz I'm a city key. We're all city So there is a little bit of that. I also like the sun sets at 3:06 That is true. That's a good point. That's a good point. It gets dark as fuck later So it's like by 9:00 a.m. To 3:00 p.m. Like get your apple butter and then go home and lock it up No, you're right. What's your where do you want to go? What's your vacation spot? I?
- Paris. - No, no, no, no. I've already done that, been there, done that, whatever, I got the shirt. - What, Paris? - Yeah. I'm going to Thailand in January. - That's cool. - I wanna go to Italy 'cause I feel like I have a good time there. - Yeah.
I don't know. Something hot and sexy. Nice. When you travel somewhere cold. You trying to get flown out? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You're talking about how beautiful she is. Is she a paint-prone ticket? No, I am paint. But that's the thing. That's what's weird about Marie is that she talks a big game, but I don't think you're out there hoeing it out that much. I'm not hoeing it out. That's what I'm saying. 2023 is the year I'm trying to get my rent paid. I feel like every year I've known you, the next year. 2020 is my whole year. Let's put that pussy to work. Let's put it to work.
personality because not everybody's gonna sit next to me and be like you're so funny yeah yeah then the last day is like ha ha ha ha pretty good time we're having here in thailand isn't it you're trying to give yourself food poisoning you're like oh i was riding an elephant that's a good move actually you promised in last night and then you just have to eat like a bad oyster and then you're out of
It's coming out of both ends. It's coming out the front. My pussy has diarrhea somehow. I'd love to fuck you, but... I'm on my period. My pussy's got diarrhea. But also, get the caviar. Can you feed it to me? Caviar makes your pussy feel better.
Exactly. All right. Okay. All right. All right. That's what I want for myself. Also, to be fair, we coming out of a pandemic. Sure. You can't be getting flewed out. First of all, we couldn't go nowhere. True. Nowhere cute. And secondly, like you're not about to give me monkey pox in Spain. I'm not kidding. And I got my second monkey pox shot. Good for you. Good for you, Mateo. The fact that you still get it. Monkey pox in Spain. I'm telling you. I don't want that. Get your monkey pox shot and go for it. Monkey pox with an accent? I don't know.
I definitely don't want that. They changed it to M-Packs now. Oh, really? Yeah, they're like, well, the branding issue. I'm like, branding? It does sound, monkey pox does sound racist. Like, it really does. Remember the, it sounds like something that H&M came up with. Oh, my God. No, was it H&M? It was definitely H&M. The coolest monkey in the jungle. And it was a little black kid wearing it? And I think he was on monkey bars. It was like, mm.
It was almost so racist that it canceled out. Right. It was almost so many things. Right. Your mind was like confused. It was like dazzle camouflage. And you know his mother was on set making sure like nobody was touching her kid. Right. And it's like, but sis, why did you let him put that on? I know. Could we got a rhino? Rhino solves it all. Yeah, you're right. Giraffe. Give us something else. Lion. King of the jungle. Come on. Anything. A zebra. Yeah. Who played the zebra in Madagascar?
Chris Rock. Black. White. Interesting. So you were just, you weren't doing shit during the pandemic, huh? Me? You were just staying home. You were talking to me every single day. I traveled a little bit. I was that first wave of people that went to Tulum. Tulum.
Like Eldis. Eldis was on vacation for four months during the pandemic. He was on a fucking road trip. It was fucking hilarious. Where did you go? I was in Ohio, my girlfriend's parents' place, for like five months that first year. Tulum, Ohio. No, we didn't go to Tulum. No, no, I'm kidding. This is about the same. You went somewhere. Didn't you go? We took a road trip from like Ohio to Utah, Colorado. Okay, some desert shit. Very Mormon-y. It's nice over there, though. It's cute. Let's not say things we can't.
I'm not saying the culture, but the fucking, you know, the big ass rocks, those big ass orange rocks. Yeah, we did some national parks and shit. And you saw like legit cacti? The cactus that like are in the cartoons like this? Not cactus. More like some red rock shit. Saw the salt flats in Utah. So you're in Tulum by yourself? This is like this scene in the birdcage. I wasn't in Tulum by myself. I'm with a bunch of girls.
We got a house that had a pool and we were like, yeah. This was what, like April of 2020? This was September 2020. Oh, September, okay. Yeah, I went for my birthday. Nice. It was cute. I stayed in New York the whole time. You didn't leave, you weren't on that boat in Brazil that the gays drowned? No. Oh, that was in Mexico, in Puerto Vallarta. That was the staircase. Gays were having a field day. I was zooming in. I was like, I think I know him. Just one mustache. No, he looks like somebody I know. I've seen his OnlyFans.
I stayed in New York the whole time, and the first place that I went was like April 2021, or maybe it was May, and I went to Spain to go see. Well, I was planning on a trip to go see my ex, and he lives in Spain, and we had this whole thing. We're going to go to Spain. I was going to go to Italy and blah, blah, blah. And so I was flying from New York to Paris, Paris to Barcelona. And when I got to Paris, I called him. I was like, hey, I'll see you in two hours. And he was like, Amore, I have COVID. Wow. And I was like, but I douched.
Yeah, but I haven't had a solid food in 48 hours. I've been on broth. You didn't... Broth? Not Delta broth. Broth? I'm not even drinking water. In case that creates a movement. Oh my god. Being gay is hard. I did the whole thing myself. I did the whole vacation myself. Wow. But I have friends in Spain and Italy, so it ended up being a really beautiful trip. Right, but you didn't get dicked down. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
He didn't say all that. First of all, wrong. Secondly, the passport got stamped and so did my friend. I'm sorry. I briefly tried not to be homophobic and I've learned my lesson. Well, actually, to be fair, I didn't get ticked off. I was being nice. But it was funny because when I got to Spain, I had to quickly get like another hotel. And then he was like, you can stay here to help me feel better. I was like, no.
Absolutely not. I bought him some ibuprofen, threw it up to his balcony, and was like, going to Italy, child! Yeah. That was great. So that was a really good relationship that you had. Fantastic. It was so good. We're still friends. Make the cut real abrupt, Elvis. Slice it right there. We're all going to be in different positions. This is going to be a really bad episode of B-Wish, like when the magic happens.
Yeah. Oh, fuck. Damn, that's so... Yeah. That was funny. Stop being so messy. I'm a messy little slut. What can I say? I'm a messy little bitch. I've heard all that so many times. Yeah. That's... Yeah, no, but I don't know. I do want to go on a little... I want to go vacation mode soon, but...
Once you're done with the touring, we're both ending our tour in May. So I'm going, I'm off. I'm out. I'm going to Italy. Goodbye. I'll have my new hair. Mateo's going to be slow motion coming out of a pool and everything. So real. Waiting for tornadoes just to let my hair feel the wind with no shame. Okay, so where are you going to go? I don't know, dude. I'd probably go to Greece. My cousin's getting married. It would be nice. Yeah.
So she's getting married in September. Probably do a little Euro trip. That kind of shit. Go to Italy. You should go to Italy. I haven't been to, I've never been to Italy because Greece and Italy, it's so. No, but you will, you need, you need to go to Rome. Okay. I do. I'm a, I'm a fucking, I'm a history nerd too. So it'll be nice to know that. And the food will be unbeatable. The pasta, you'll, it's literally, it's not gross. You'll lose your fucking mind. Okay.
I'll get that going, guys. I want to go to Greece, too. Yeah, I've never been to Greece. You've never been to Greece, anything? Italy, none of that? But this is the year somebody's going to send me there. I feel it. I'm telling you. I feel it. I feel it in my cooch hairs. This is the year that someone's going to pay my rent because I'm not doing that no more. I just feel like you need to apply yourself. I know I'm doing bad. You're just lazy. I am. That's what it comes down to. I'm like, dang, am I off the stage?
old ass man yeah I'm never gonna do that yeah how old and I'm like I'm gonna leave his blood pressure medicine you're gonna switch it out you're gonna put tic tacs in his fucking blood pressure medicine and the Cialis out the window
That's hilarious. Yeah, what's the oldest, I mean, oldest person you've ever hooked up with? Probably in their 40s. Okay, yeah. But I'm also 36, so that's not, I mean, now it's like, I'm moving on up. I mean, I'm going to be, you know, Methuselah soon. Of course. Methuselah. She's like that old character in the Bible that's like 800 years old.
What book is she in? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I've heard the name, though. Methuselah? I thought that was a Disney character. It is. It should be. Okay, it is. Yeah. Wait, let's see. Methuselah. Let's find her. Let's see. Okay, you just knew how to spell it. She had the longest... You just had it ready to go. Dying at the age of 969. 969.
Wow. Methuselah. His death shall send a man of the... The father, the grandfather of Noah. He was Noah's grandfather. I didn't even know Noah had a dad. Matosalas. Matosalas. Yeah. He was a biblical patriarch and a figure in Judaism, Christianity, Islam. He had the longest lifespan. There you go. You're Methuselah. I'm Methuselah. Well, gay men are historically really great about aging.
This is the gay community. Oh, I'll look like this when I'm 94. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you won't believe in yourself. That's the problem. Absolutely not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course not. It is pretty nice. That face is going to be tight.
You gonna have to drink all your food? I'm like, this is nice. When I blow my nose, it comes out my back. Oh, yeah. You gonna be giving young Joan Rivers. May she rest in peace. What about you? What's the oldest fucking guy you've been with? Like, fool? Mm.
maybe like 40. I don't know. I'm youthful. I don't want to see no wrinkly balls. Well, they're all wrinkly. Well, I don't want to see them either. What if Marie's just asexual? That's what we come down to. Yeah. You know, it's very possible. No, I'm a sexual person. Okay. But I also, like, I can tell by looking at a man if he's going to make me cum and I don't even want to waste my time. You're like the lowest level X-Men. Yeah. It's like...
But still better than Jubilee. What was she, just like fireworks in a yellow coat? She was hot, though. I loved Jubilee. Or no, I'm thinking of the other one. Rogue was the hot one. Rogue was the fancy one. I really had a big thing for Rogue. Sugar? Yeah. Okay, she sounded like Gambit? No, no, Gambit was Creole. She was Southern. That's the same thing. No, it's not. They both skinned out. No, Gambit was Cajun. Cajun. Cajun Creole, yeah. Cajun is a food baby. Oh, I do the Creole. That kind of shit. And she was like, well, sugar, that's what I do.
They're both giving you sweet tea. No. We should look up on YouTube Gambit and Rogue. Yeah, having a combo. It's the same person doing both voices. Be like this and like this. It's like Mel, whatever his name is, who did all the Bugs Bunny voices. Oh, Mel Blank. Mel Blank. Mel Blank. Gambit, Rogue, X-Men. The only time I've ever seen you with a dude was like, he was like an, honestly, he was like, I want to say like extra strength white guy. What?
What? He was like, he was like, he was like, he might have been like a foreign white guy. Oh, see, I don't even remember him. This was years ago. That might have been my accountant. That was my attorney. You were dipping your toes in. Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah, no, I wasn't. No? No. He was coming around? Wow, you're interesting. What do you mean? He was coming around. My God, Zabro's four million. You better work. Four million. Congratulations. Oh, wow. Hold on, let's play it. Let's listen here.
He said it so racially. Whatever. There's a little something different to him. There's a little more French, and she's just like, you know.
She sounds like Peggy Hill. Yeah, she sounds like a mix between Bobby and Peggy. It's Bobby's pitch. And I don't know why I'm so attracted to that. Oh, hell yeah. They're bringing this cartoon back. It's a great cartoon. The beginning, the fucking guitar riff. Dude.
Storm is so dramatic. They'd be like, Storm, could you open the window? Wind rise and sweep the horns from our path. Elvis, how long have we been doing this? Mateo's got to go, you know. I just want to make sure we get. We're at 27 right now. Okay, okay. We're gambit and rogue fucking? Oh, I have to go in like 40 minutes. Okay. 40 minutes? Okay, well that's fine. That's how long it's going to take me to get here. I would call at 645. It's 6 o'clock right now. A call? For what?
Look at my phone. What kind of call you have at 6 o'clock? For everything, for one thing, it's important that I do that. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course. How dare you, motherfucker, speak your language? I can't understand. Look at his face. Not on my fucking podcast.
Stop showing off, Matteo. We get it. You speak a lot of languages. 19 languages and counting. How do you say I'm sorry in Greek? No, I'm not telling you. I'm not giving you any more linguistic knowledge. Dispiace. Or something like that. That's Italian. Oh, well, look at me. Duolingo. I'm really proud of you.
yeah, they were pretty, they are. Yeah. Gambit and Rogue. I mean, I don't know. Rogue was definitely a, a formative cartoon crush for me. Oh yeah. Red hair was always, you know, uh, fucking poison. Ivy poison. Ivy was big. Uh, well, Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit. Come on. Who is voiced by, um, Kathleen Turner. Kathleen Turner. Isn't that fantastic? I love everyone. So I'll just watch Kathleen Turner interviews because she's just one of these actresses that is so, um,
honest, down to earth and delusional at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Acting. What is acting? I couldn't even believe it myself when I first started to act. When I, back in my day, the 40s, and I was young and beautiful. Now, it's like she's so dramatic. I don't know who Kathleen Turner is. Oh, you would recognize her voice. Well, you just did it and I still was like, hmm. I believe she played, later, she played Chandler's
Okay, not to say Chandler to me. In a very transphobic character. It was like, you know what I'm saying? I forgot about that. Yeah. She also played the voice of the Malibu Stacy doll episode in The Simpsons. Oh, yes. She was the original Malibu Stacy. That's a classic. She's like, will you do it? Will you help me? No, no, I'm too drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was good stuff.
Well, yeah. Any cartoon crushes over here? What are we working on? You know what? I was always, as a kid, which this is even gayer, I was always following the women, Maleficent and Storm, like the dramatic, the drag queens. You were standing from a young age. Yeah. Yeah, Storm would make it rain. He was like, yeah. Oh, God.
She better work. She did. I mean, she really, it would make my little gay heart swell. I loved it so much. I would every Saturday wait at 10 o'clock for the X-Men to come on and just wait for Storm. And oh my God, like it was just, and Poison Ivy, Storm, Maleficent, like, you know, the strong, strong, dramatic women. Now, how did you feel about the Uma Thurman Poison Ivy? Yeah.
So I liked it because I didn't realize I was watching Camp when I was 13. It was very campy, yeah. Yeah, and it was also just like the first time that anyone gave any kind of recognition to Poison Ivy anyways because it was always like the male characters that got, like I still don't like Wolverine because everything's about Wolverine. Like nine Wolverine movies. Logan's really good though. I like Wolverine. Logan's good. Is that the last movie? The last one was old. Oh yeah, it was sad. That shit was a legitimately good movie. I was in the theater like, yeah! I know.
Why they do Logan like that? I was like, whoop. Yeah. I'm losing my hair. It was fucking brutal. Me and Marie went to go see It. Oh, God. Gays. Okay. How do I describe this? Hit us with it. We wouldn't shut up. Black people and gay people are the same in the movie. In the dark. I mean. Yeah.
In the dark, we're all the same. No, we're much dirtier in the dark. We were so loud that at one point I was like, waiting to get kicked out. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Nothing. No one kicked us out. No, thank you. Evan Williams came. He was humiliated. Yeah. Bless him. The guy who takes movies so seriously. It's annoying. Hey, come on, man. Show some respect. Yeah.
with us right now. I said, so man, if I call him, I'd be like, I hated it. Well, it's because man, I don't want to tell you man. It's just like the book man. I didn't read a book. Yeah,
The first act was okay. And he will defend the most dog shit movies. Awful. Just every Marvel movie he thinks is good. He loves movies, yeah. We had a big fight about this Matt Damon movie years ago. I forget what it was called. Jodie Foster, Matt Damon. It was about some spaceship. Oh, The Martian? No, no, no, no. It was even before that. I forget the name of it. It was some weird name. Jodie Foster. Can you look up Matt Damon, Jodie Foster's space movie? And
And it was just trash. I mean, it was... Oh, Elysium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was trash. Trash, trash. And we got one of our biggest fights about this movie. That's hilarious. Biggest fight. Man, it was a fucking good movie, man. But what does he think is a good movie? I mean, any movie that's been made. Yeah, he loves every movie.
Yeah, very funny. Yeah, we actually, hilariously, Logan, me and my bro... I think it was recently when I had moved to New York, and me and my brothers, my brothers were visiting, and we wanted to see Logan because we're all, like, X-Men fans. And I think...
I don't remember why. I think the only showtime that worked for all of us was like the Magic Johnson Theater in Harlem. Oh my God. And we're like, hell yeah, this is going to be sick. We're going to watch an X-Men movie with a bunch of fucking, it was like middle of the day. It'll just be like, you know, kids skipping school, yelling at the screen. We're going to be like, this rocks. But it was exactly, everyone was just like sad. It was just like, and then we were like, and then we're just like eating soul food sad. We were like, yeah.
Eating fucking fried chicken. Because it's also these themes about like, you know, there's like a huge, it's a huge daddy issues movie. Yes. And we don't have a good relationship with our dad and we just got into a huge fight. And it was, I mean, you could not have asked for worse. Like, we thought we were going to watch a fun, you know, X-Men movie. Wolverine had gray hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of his claws was disintegrating. It was like, baby, you don't have no insurance? Like, you're stupid. We gotta talk to Professor X
X about some benefits. Yeah, Professor X was dying. He was having fucking seizures and people were dying because of it. Logan, we have to talk about your blue cross. Not now, bub.
I saw Doctor Strange 2 with a bunch of fags in LA because that movie was made for gay people. Well, he wears the cape. We went to go for him. We went for Wanda.
Oh, Wanda. First of all, it was so gay that the credits, the commercial in the beginning had the Nicole Kidman AMC movie commercial, which is already stamped into gay icon role. So we gave her, I'm not making this up, in LA, like probably 300 gays in this theater, the second that commercial finished, standing ovation. That is so, there was like four straight people who were like, what the hell is happening? Like,
And then it was just Wanda coming out and murdering people. The only good point. He's like, you better work! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That had some okay moments because it was... It was a terrible movie. It was What's-His-Face. It was a good director. It was the guy who did Evil Dead. Sam Raimi. So he had some cool moments, but yeah, that movie fucking sucked. But it was so cool to watch her kill everyone. The parts where she's fucking mowing people down, there was like 10 minutes. Great. That movie rocked. But everything else was fucking dog shit. Yeah, dog shit. But Evan would have been like, this is a really good movie.
He was like, you know what, man? I love the director. Yeah.
She's done that before on films and stuff. Put Evan's face over Mateo when this comes out. That's the problems, man. That's the problems. You liked Mateo because it was Maleficent. That's why you liked it. It's a woman killing guys. You loved it. Yeah. You legit sound just like it. He's got it. He nailed it. You're a great voices guy. You have a lot of great impressions. Do you do voiceover?
No, I did it voice in a cartoon show. I was a I was a villain nice. That's my dream You'll be the villain in someone's life when your divorce when your divorce goes through I don't need to get married, but I want to be engaged several times
I wanna be like, three engagements and I'm keeping all the rings. That's actually a smarter, that's smart. That's what I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll see me and you'll be like, Maria, how's Peter? I'm gonna be like, Peter? Girl, he's dead to me. I'm married, I'm engaged to Jordan now. And then you're like, okay. And every time you see me, I'm like. And you keep all the rings. Oh, I'm like, I'm like shadows. She's gonna look like Jordan. She's gonna be like, yeah.
I'm getting a different dime every color. Princess cut, pink, green, brown, emerald cut. And then I'm going to be like... Or you just keep it all on the same finger and they have to put the ring on over the other rings. Yeah, it's like that toy that little kids put at the dentist's office with highlights for kids. Oh, highlights. Great magazine. Yeah.
All right, why don't we fucking start doing some... We're gabbing enough. I think the people need your guys' expertise. We're smart. We have some questions here. I think we're going to... You've clearly shown yourselves as people with your lives fully together. So why don't we answer these motherfuckers' questions? Hit us with the first one, Eldis. And by the way, folks at home, 904-800-STAV.
Give us your voicemails. These fine folks won't be able to answer your future questions, but we will be back next week with a different guest that can give you some answers. Go ahead, Ellis. Hit us with the first one.
Mateo? Leave Arkansas.
That's good advice. I was going to say FarmersOnly.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it might feel nice to get tossed around in a hail. What is it? Hail? What is it she called?
hay, a hay bale. A hay bale, you know what I mean? Get fucked in a barn. Not doing anything for any of you. It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna have to be a farmer with like real rough callous dirty hay. Yeah, that's real Brokeback Mountain. That's what I'm saying. That's, you gotta lean into it if you're gonna, you know, you gotta go country. Don't they have a Target? Also, you gotta Target to pick up dick? A little better than a Walmart. Also, what, what's hot? Like Arkansas hot or like New York hot? Because Arkansas hot is...
Well, there's like hot guys on farms in Arkansas, like beefy dudes, you know, corn fed, hot, you know, like, hey, ma, ma, you know, like that's hot. I feel like they all leave to go to college and play football somewhere. Oh, no. They either come back or what about the ones who blew their knees out in high school? Well, they're not going to be able to. Well, I did that and I didn't play school. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I still have a bad knee. That's my sports injury. Mateo tore an ACL sucking dick. I got a PT guy coming over to help my knee.
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, yeah. Target is a good... Is there a Target? Is there a Starbucks? Yeah, because Starbucks outside of New York is classy. It's like a Mecca. Exactly. Starbucks in New York is... I got to take a shit. Where's the Starbucks? Right, right, right. Starbucks outside of New York is like...
Does anyone want any Starbucks? And it's like, okay. This is a white mocha. Oh! Yeah, they're wasting their PPP loans. Yeah, yeah. They're like, wow. Yeah, they go from there and send me some money. Yeah, so I guess, yeah, you're going to definitely know Walmart, but... But I feel like...
in the south people arkansas is the south right yeah i feel like people you know i don't know where that is you know i know where the key states are um but um i feel like people and i know texas because of the shape louisiana is the boot that's right okay you see me doing it good job and then florida's the ugly one um but um i feel like people in the south hang out in walmart that's the hangout spot
Well, it's their everything. You know what I'm saying? So, like, you go there. I mean, it's like Walmart outside, just generally speaking, in smaller towns is kind of like the new community. It's like the club. Yeah. I mean, isn't the real answer here more than any other place? Like, you got to meet somebody online if you're in Arkansas. You can do a little more selection. Yeah, this does feel like a call from 1997. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You know what I mean? I wonder what her job is. That's interesting, too. Paid a ton of money to move to Arkansas for work. What could the job be? Is there any cock in the office? Should you break the rule of don't sleep with your coworkers? That's not really an Arkansas rule. You know what I mean? I think the Arkansas rule is don't sleep with your cousin. Yeah, exactly. Or sleep with your cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not looking good for you. Yeah, babe. What do the women look like?
That's true. What are the girls giving? Do you have to adjust your expectations for what a hot? Somebody was making the point earlier. Are we talking Arkansas hot or New York hot? Arkansas hot, they're probably around. But do you want to stay in Arkansas? That's another thing. Are we talking you're just trying to get dicked down here and you're not going to live in Arkansas full time? Because if that's the case –
It sounds like they want to get dicked down because if you're saying I'm single and I want to meet somebody different. I'm single and I want to meet hot guys.
Okay, well, bitch, go to a bar and point. Right, right, right. It's getting Buffalo Wild Wings. Pretend like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to Buffalo Wild Wings, pretend one of your tits fell out of your shirt. Okay? Someone's coming up to you quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or go to a game. Don't they do sports in Arkansas? Yeah. You got to go to a game and pretend you care. A Razorbacks game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The college football team. Razorbacks. Arkansas Razorbacks. No, it's a fucking pig. What'd you call me? It's a pig, yeah.
What did you call him? Which one? Which slur is it? Which one? Vote at home. Razorbacks. Does it sound more racist or homophobic? Ha ha ha.
Is it you I was talking to? It's like every audition I get is always like, we get the same auditions. It's like funny best friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never the main character. Always the supportive one with like the quip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm getting, you know, I auditioned for the title role of something. I didn't get it. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm here in Queens with Sean. Yeah, you're doing a podcast for the Uber and a spanakopita. Exactly.
And a little more mojito. I'm thinking the guy at home. I'm going to reheat it at the house. All right. So good luck, our Arkansas friend. It's not looking good for you. But if you're just trying to get dick down, you know. Buffalo Wild Wings. You're going to be dub-dubs.
But don't go on wing night. Go full price. You want the guy willing to pay full price for his wings. I think every man would be wing night. Oh, Cheesecake Factory. She can go to Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake Factory, okay, yeah. They got that good clothes on there. Hit us, Elders.
Hey, Stabby. Listen, Thanksgiving was already. I mean, what the fuck? But prior to that, I was dating this girl for the past year and a half. And she fucking out of the blue totally dumped me via text message. No contact at all. Come feel her shit to move out of the house with a friend without looking me in the eye. Holy fuck. Pretty sure she started doing drugs again. Again. Might be worth mentioning. Yeah, it is.
I have so many questions, right? It's been like two weeks now. I see her at the gym. She's fucking, she's infiltrated my gym. I have so many questions. I want to get petty, ask her all this shit. What happened? Are you getting high? Is there someone else? All these things. I want an explanation. I didn't get anything. No sense of closure.
Do I just move on or do I try to get the questions answered that I want? So far, I've taken the high road. I wished her well, told her I respect her decision. What?
And whatever. Wish her the best and thank her for her time. Wish her the best? And her family's kindness and all this shit. I took her to High Road. She just quit her part-time job. Because of how long this message is, I'm ready to break up with him and never speak to him again. I said, yes, give him an audio book. Because in 1958, I remember... Go all the way down, hold his association. But,
Oh, wow. He's still making the same point. You're right. I'm curious about your thoughts about some fucking answer. All right, my guy. So last time I was here, I got the cheesy thing. But now, what are the specials with the... So the cheese... Okay. What is cheese? What's the question? Okay. The question out of all that, out of an hour, a minute and a half, was...
Do I confront my ex or do I not? Basically, that's it. You do want to know if he should see closure or not. No, closure is fake. Closure doesn't exist. No, it never does exist. It really doesn't. I got closure the other day. Okay. Like a month ago. How did it happen? I got the ick. The ick. So he was at my house and I was looking at him and I was like, yuck.
And I felt it. My mind, body, soul was like... Just nothing happened in particular? You literally are a villain. I'm a different person now.
You are in that man. You are already a villain in that man's life. And a cat in my lap. What probably happened is he was vulnerable for one second. You were like, no, that's not what it is. What was it? He was not vulnerable at all. He was the opposite of that. Maybe a little vulnerability would have done it. Yuck. Actually, that might have made it worse. See, that's what I'm saying. Not you crying in my house. Yuck. You're sad about work.
Your mom died? You're looking at your finger like, well, this isn't going to get me to France for free. Right. I'm like, that's terrible. You going to order some food or what? Checking your DMs for verified in the request tab. See, pain. I'm like, yeah, that's sad. I would love to go to a mansion in Wisconsin.
Somewhere in Aspen. I think that this person is mentioned multiple times that she might be on drugs. Any...
That is an interesting little tidbit. He said it too, like she was like a candle maker, like some sort of arbitrary thing. It was like, oh, yeah, she did meth. We all assumed it was meth. Oh, no question. But she was at the gym. That's meth energy. Early meth, you still can, you know, before the teeth go. You're like, ha, ha, ha.
I don't even spot her. It's not pills. It was pills. She's not at the gym. No. No, she's fucking not. She's nodding off watching Family Guy if she's on pills. All the sadness just... Oh, the sadness. It's like Requiem for a Dream. The mother of the fridge is following her. Oh, God, the indignity. So, okay. Look, something fucked up happened. Here's the thing. He kind of went too...
He kind of probably it sounds like he went too nice after he got that text. He's like I wished her well You don't have to wish her well, she kind of fucked you here You get the closure when she opens her mouth with that text right when she's like I don't want to do that and she's at the house and can't look at you But she's picking up her stuff. That's when you're like she probably yes, maybe something fucked up happened but you need to just start getting over this person and
Either way, she's either on drugs again or maybe he's even using that as an excuse. This sounds like somebody did something she doesn't want to face. Maybe she cheated. Maybe. Maybe she, you know, some bad. It does sound like it's projecting more than anything. Yeah. That she can't face her own issues and so instead she's just acting mad and not speaking to him. It's weird for her to go to his gym. There's something. Here's the thing. We're missing a lot of this story.
We're missing a lot. I didn't say what he told us was concise. I didn't say he was good at giving information. What's that ad that you get on YouTube? It's a summary or like it makes the word, the essays more clear. We definitely need that. But yeah,
The other reason he's fucking rambling is because this man is destroyed. His girlfriend of a year and a half. But he didn't sound as right. He's like, hey, stop. Listen, my girlfriend, she did meth. You know, I wished her well. Do I get any... It's like, what? This is... I'm translating here, okay? No, you are. You're reading 20 lines. I have to... As the only one who's fluent in sad, straight man. He goes... Are you kidding? That's all I know. He goes...
I'm sorry, not hard, sad straight man. Oh, you're on your own. You are on your own. He goes, meanwhile, I'm about to go on a date with another girl who's frankly is better looking. So I mean on to big – so I'm going on to bigger and better, I guess. Nonetheless, for your own peace of mind. But is she real? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Even him saying that is he's like lashing out a little bit. He wants to get a little power back. Like, huh, huh.
I'm hooking up with a hotter chick. I don't even care. And he's so sad. This man is devastated. He can't face what's going on. He's on the rebound. That's why he's also rambling. There's so many other things. Here's the reality.
Your girlfriend of a year and a half dumped you in a fucked up fashion. It's ruined you. It's devastated you. Even this idea of, do I seek closure? He's just trying to work through his emotions in a way that gives him an excuse to confront her. We've all been there. How many fucking pathetic emails have you written after a breakup where you're like, this is the last, just one last thing I wanted to say. Like...
Don't do it. Sincerely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Best of luck, you know? And you're like, don't. It says, you know, Stavros, my website. Instagram, Twitter. How many of the, every time I have ever sent one of those, two minutes later, I'm like, wow.
Write that out. Let it out of your system. Talk this shit out. Talk to your friends. Go to fucking therapy. It doesn't sound like you're in therapy. But this shit's over with this girl. Something fucked up is going on here. Yeah, if you're writing Stavros about your problems, it's done. Yeah, baby. You might as well have asked the thieves. And by the way...
This is what I think. You got to burn the gym down. That's it. While she's in there. I didn't say all that. It was implied. And meanwhile, if you're a loser like this, man, 904-800-STOP. If you don't have... If you want to be ridiculed by a couple mean... You did pick two mean Muppets. One of those Muppets in the...
Oh, absolutely. Waldorf and Statler. Is that what their names are? Waldorf, I believe. Waldorf. Anyway, good luck. But that's it. Closure's not real. I'm just trying to be funny. And it just comes out mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marie, I know what you're going to be. It's fine. I'm very on brand right now. Yeah, you're doing great. It's what I do.
And but you never explain how you by the way, the best part of that call is like you're talking about getting closure. And then the example you gave was you just arbitrarily being like, you know what? Fuck this guy. And this man is like that guy getting no closure whatsoever. You just had a feeling you described the opposite of what closure is. But.
You know how sometimes you hook up with somebody or you're with somebody, you break up, you start hooking up again. Yes. It's like a back and forth, back and forth. Sure, sure, sure. The closure was, the ick was the closure. Oh, so this wasn't like you just started dating. No. And something came out of, it's like you gave another shot and you're like,
- This isn't right. - But it's like the scales fell off of my eyes and I could see, I was like, oh, this is never not gonna be this. - That's fair, that's different though. This is a different situation where it's like, once a breakup is done in a definitive way,
it's kind of hard to get closure. And even if you're going to get it, it's going to come when you've healed and you can actually have a conversation person to person with your ex and it's not emotion. So you just got to fucking take some time and get better, buddy. Or move to Arkansas. There's a girl who's looking. Yeah, yeah. There's some hard up pussy in Arkansas. Take her to a fucking rodeo and get your dick sucked. All right, hit us with another one, Eldis.
Oh, good. Nice and short. Hi, Stavi. Big fan. I've been dating this guy for about a year now, and he has rage issues. Oh, fuck. And I threatened to break up with him, so he got a therapist. Okay. And so now I'm wondering, is this going to change? Is he going to get better? Or do I just...
move on and focus on myself. Okay, let me just say something. Yeah. Rage issues. She didn't say anger issues. Nope. When you use the word rage, that's, do you know what rage is? Rage is the final move a Pokemon has when it's run out of moves. It means it's just flailing at you. It's cornered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's dating Gyarados. Yeah.
I mean, this is just rage. Or OJ Simpson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Rage is tough. Rage is, you're right. Rage? She didn't say anger problems. No. She didn't say emotional problems. Or like, yeah, it's rage. Yeah, rage is tough. Well, I would call the therapist and see what the therapist says. And based on...
Because I want to know, like, what does that mean? Like, are things in the house getting broke? Well, that's the thing. It's like, if this has been violent in any way you've ever felt unsafe, all that kind of stuff, it's not. In my opinion, it's not worth it. No. This is speaking from somebody who grew up in a, you know, not horribly abusive household, but it's like, you could definitely say my dad had rage issues, right? He would break shit. He never, he didn't really hit anybody, but
just being around that energy will fuck you up right and so the fact that you're even like
Hey, I was just thinking, like, you know, I threatened to break up with him, so he got a therapist. It seems like maybe that could have come up without the existential threat of the relationship. The fact that that's what it took to even get him into therapy. Now, at the same time, if what she's talking about is, like, he yells when his fantasy football team loses, and then he went to therapy immediately after they had one conversation about it, that's different, right? But it doesn't feel that way.
It seemed like, sis, you need to go to therapy too. That's what I'm getting from this. Okay, what do you think? Why do you think that? Well, they both need it. Like, it's not our job to fix any of these dudes. Okay? Absolutely. They got to do the work themselves. I think a lot of women came out of the pandemic with skin regimens and therapy and all the men came out worse. All the straight dudes came out fatter.
and the same. I lost a lot of weight. I got fatter after the pandemic. Thank you very much. You lost weight before the pandemic, didn't you? And then you gained weight back. And then I lost weight during the pandemic. Then I went on the road and it all, yeah, it's been a roller coaster. So you went on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
her way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You came out worse. That's true. That is a good point. In conclusion, you came out worse. But Stavros doesn't have rage. No, no, no, no, no. But I've been in therapy and shit. But no, Marie's point is, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, he's in therapy, but like, sis, the fact that you're even writing, and you see how short this is, is because he was coming and she was like, I gotta get this. I was gonna say
I was like, she was writing this. This says SOS. Yeah, she was like, it's literally a text message. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it's like, babe, you gotta go. You already know what you gotta do. Yeah, it is true. But like, now, unless we're, like I said, if we're misreading this and like, this guy fucking yells at football and, but probably not. All she said was rage issues. Rage issues. She didn't get, the last guy was like, and then this, and then that, and then this, and then that, and then this.
This woman just said rage issues and went right to the question. Well, she's a more effective communicator than the last guy. There's no question. Maybe she's already in therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alexa,
for rage. All bad words. But I will say that is your point too of like not wanting to fix someone in a relationship is like sometimes the point of somebody you date is like you maybe you help them realize something and you're not gonna you shouldn't be there for them to fix it. You know what I mean? It's like
It's like that's definitely happened in past relationships where I'm like, oh, this girl that I'm dating is a fucking alcoholic. And I've had a conversation with her and it's like, you can't keep doing this shit. And maybe she, you know, I have an ex who's got a fucking nice family now, but she was a fucking mess when we were dating. Right. And it's like same thing with me where it's like I wasn't fucking emotion. You know, I wasn't in therapy. It was a show. It's like.
Maybe that's the thing. It's like this is as far as this because all that that has done damage to their relationship. You probably unless this is something really special here, you probably can't repair that necessarily.
That's also possible. But also, do you have to? Do you want to? Yeah, yeah. Well, I think that he should be mature and get himself in the best position possible to date somebody because if he's still showing rage issues while dating someone else and they're calling a talk show, he needs to get himself, break up with her, get yourself well, and then once you feel that you have found balance in your life, then go back out and date. Yeah. That makes sense to me. So, yeah.
That's our sage advice. That's our wisdom. And, you know, you got to do what's best for you according to what three comedians have to say. The most unwell human being. Three people who have not had a good relationship between them. Not one of us has ever had one successful relationship. Yes, but no range issues. No range issues. No range issues. No range issues. Let's hit it. Hit us with another one, LD.
What's up, Stav? Coming at you from Florida. I'm currently in a, well, lifelong battle, but my teeth are really fucking with me. I need some advice on how you handled your shit. I'm currently having a financial and emotional meltdown. All right, let me just say, hold on. This man... Screamin' are so bad at communicating. They either say too much and say nothing, or they literally say nothing. There's a lot here. My teeth are really fucking with me.
Is there a dentist that you could have emailed instead? I need some advice on how you handled your shit. Currently having a financial and emotional meltdown. This man is really, there is not a section of his, of like things that are going well in his, you can't check good on any part of his life. Because financial, emotional, and physical. Physical fucked up. So how did I deal with it? I went to a family, I went to my roommate's,
My old roommate's godfather was a dentist. He's also Greek. Dr. Stavros. His name was also Stavros. Oh, wow. And I got to say, he didn't do a great job. It took him four tries to get my tooth right. I went the first time. I went the first time. And after I come out of the thing, they show me the mirror. And I had a little fucked up doll's tooth. It was like little and round. I just looked like a fucking Cabbage Patch doll. Yeah.
And I was like, this sucks. It was literally like a little doll's tooth. It was so weird. And then I go back the second time. And I'm coming back and forth from New York, by the way. And what's annoying is I got money in the middle of this process. So I could have gotten a good debt. But when I started, I didn't have any money. So I go back. And the second time, everything's fucking perfect. But the tooth is like a little too short. And then this motherfucker goes...
Maybe we could shave down the rest of your teeth. He tried to literally... He tried to sand down every other tooth in my fucking mouth.
And then finally the third time he got it right. But that's the kind of bargain I was looking for. You might have to find a dentist like that. Friend of a friend. You got to go to your network to find, you know, reliable. Stavros, I want you to know this tooth is a good tooth. No, he literally said, the thing he said as soon as I come out of, before he even showed me the mirror the second time, he started with, eh, look, nothing's perfect. It's like, my tooth?
We're not talking about a fucking sandwich. You're like, nothing in this office is perfect. You didn't forget the mayo on my fucking chicken club. I would have looked in my mirror and I looked at him and said, how did you get this job? Yeah.
Friend of the family, but I gotta say that this one looks good. This one feel he third time was the charm I tell you a perfect. I'm so good Yeah, so we're looking good so I would say that but I'm also worried about your overall Emotional melt financial and emotional meltdown. Do you have a support system of any kind my friend? I
Do you have a couch you can crash on, friends you can open up to, a family, any of that? Because it sounds like you're reeling in a lot of ways. And a lifelong battle. Yeah, with what exactly? With whom?
I'm assuming he's talking about his teeth. I do like the contrast of you and this guy because I feel like you were thriving when your teeth were fucked up. That is true. The best years of my life were the toothless years. The closest I got to a good relationship, I didn't have a tooth. Should I get rid of my teeth? Huh? Should I get rid of my teeth? Yeah. Get rid of your teeth, get rid of your hair. Gain 100 pounds.
Keep my hair. Keep my hair. He said gain 100 pounds. I have to go soon. That's okay. That's all right, buddy. I feel we got another one in us. You guys can stay. We got one more. Okay, you want to go? Me and Marie will do one more. You want to get ready for a call? I'll call an Uber while we're doing this. Where's your call? You want to take your call from here? No, no, I can't. You could. I guess I could. Use my computer. It's up to you. I don't want to like, you know.
No fresh, but you should stay. No worries. Well, not a lifelong battle with me and Star Wars trying to get you to stay. But it's up to you, for real. I'm texting right now what time works because they say 7. I'm sorry to do this. What time is it right now, Aldous? It's 6.40. We're at an hour three on the show and we have like 30 minutes left to record. Okay, we'll do one more.
Where are you going to take the call, though? What the fuck? You can't get anywhere. Is it a Zoom? No, I'm texting right now. I'm saying I'm filming something. I just want to step out at the right time. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm not telling you to take the call on the podcast. I'm telling you. What? He's like this. Hello, Hollywood. All right, fire up another call for us there, Eldish.
Hey, it's Tom. So I have a predicament. I was at work and this new dishwasher came from Guatemala. He only speaks Spanish. I speak un poco. And basically super hot and hung out a couple times. I ended up sleeping with him and then things started to fizzle out a bit. It got a little awkward. We couldn't really communicate well at work. And he only speaks Spanish.
but he'd give me rides home sometimes and one time it's like um that happened but he's like a total head pusher and then one night he gave me a ride home we're making out and i was like i'm just gonna go inside basically and he tried like head pushing and i was like no aura so i left
No! Ma'am!
Yeah, go. Ma'am. Wait, he's a head pusher? I think she means like... He's a head pusher. Like, try again. Yes, that's what I'm getting at. That's what I think, sir. And then she said he did it again. And it's like, he's only nice to me if I'm hot or really funny. Ma'am. Yeah. He don't even speak English. Build the wall is what Marie is saying. Wall ice! Wall ice!
Are these man's papers in order? I'm just saying. I mean, his manners aren't in order. I think we can solve your problem and earn some points with your racist uncle on one fell swoop here. I'm not saying that, but, bro, I'm also kind of saying that. Yeah.
No, of course. This is so funny. They should at least learn to speak each other's languages. She either needs to learn Spanish or he needs to learn English because otherwise we're having no communication. This is so funny. You see the difference? It's like she is emotionally affected by just having good manners to a guy who...
She hooked up with and he didn't treat her well a couple times as the other guy was with like the woman who broke up with him after a year and a half. It's like, this isn't that fucking deep. You hooked up with someone, you don't know this motherfucker or anything. She said, he be giving me rides sometime. You don't owe him anything because he's dropped you off at your house. Yeah, exactly. Not a one thing. Yeah. Thank you. You can say thank you and then shut the door.
Or maybe leave the door open so he has to reach across and pull it closed. I think if you're having sex the first time, it's kind of fun and exciting. But if he's not treating you well, then, like, girl. Yeah. Like, don't talk to him. You don't have to be nice to him. And fuck off. But also, babe, was the sex good?
Because nothing about this makes me feel like it was good. Oh, I got the opposite impression. She says he's hot. She says he's hot. That's it. That's true. I've been told, okay, the hotter the man, the less good the sex is going to be. Amen, sister. That's what I've been told. That's kind of honestly my whole vibe. Yeah. This is what guys who are good at sex look like. That's what. Am I a pillow princess? Yeah, unfortunately, yes. Well, I bought it. You know, it's different. You lay there. You let those sweet cheeks do the talking. Yeah.
Yeah, you don't know this fucking guy's shit. You're good. You're a good person. You want to keep everything civil. I get it. But, you know, you hooked up with somebody. It doesn't mean you have to, like, go... If he's being a dick to you... And listen, you can just be nice. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to, like, escalate things. But you also don't have to go out of your way to...
feel like these things are going well this is something this is also a lesson you need to learn in your life because this motherfucker is exerting a lot of control over your emotion and he's just a fucking dishwasher you know what I mean I'm not knocking he got a job it's just like you know it just seems like but she's gotta learn this lesson because if this guy can do it to her let me make this real clear girl
Get it together. Yeah, thank you. It's actually really simple. Absolutely. All right. Well, we'll take one more. Mateo, if you have to go, you got to go. I have no text so far, so we're good. Hit us, LD. Hey, Steve. Hey, Stav. This is Yerasimos. Yerasimos. Baltimore native living in Chicago now. Just calling to say, I don't know, I've been feeling a little...
If you on my move to Chicago, I've moved here about a year ago and you know, I'm barely keeping up with my bills and not really getting out to see anybody. The dating game is kind of horrible. So I was wondering if you had any advice, um,
Thanks a lot. I do. Okay, so here's what you're going to do. You move to Chicago and you probably move to Lincoln Park and you can't afford the apartment or the neighborhood. What you need to do is move to Rogers Park or Edgewater and get an apartment that's affordable and maybe with a roommate and then you take the red line down and you either go to Lincoln Park or Boys Town or I think it's called North Halstead now. I'm not sure what it's called.
and go have fun and meet people at the bars. Chicago's a very bars town, so Friday and Saturday nights are a great opportunity for you to go and meet people. There's also a ton of different clubs and stuff you can join, from volleyball to kayaking, et cetera. So if you don't have friends, you're trying to meet people, there's a million things for you to do in Chicago. Literally. Ambassador of Chicago.
So you just move to a more affordable neighborhood and just take the red line or you can live off the brown line, the blue line, the orange line, whatever. The brown line sounds gross. The brown line was great. I lived off the Paulina stop. I literally lived next to it. It'd be like, Paulina. And doors open on the left at Paulina. But yeah, you just have to figure out the right neighborhood. And also, Chicago is a very neighborhood-y type of city. So even if you moved, let's say, to Edgewater or you moved to, I don't know,
You can find other bars and things in your area to meet local people, but there's an ample opportunity of meeting people. Absolutely. I also think, here's the other thing.
The first year in a new city is tough. Any way you slice it. I remember my first fucking year in New York, me and Eldis, we lived in this fucking apartment. We were depressed as shit. I was. He had been here a couple years. Eldis had been doing his thing. My ankle was fucked up. That's right. Your ankle was fucked up. I remember that. But you had figured it out. You had done a couple years of hitting up every five and a half in Bed-Stuy on Tinder. Not five and a half. Five and a half was in there for a little razzle-dazzle.
- Basically a six. - Let's be honest, it was a four, go ahead. - You were a little more acclimated is my point, but I remember my first year, it was like, it was so depressing, new city, it's a hard city, you know what I mean? And Chicago, he's making the jump from Baltimore to Chicago, so we can kind of help him on either side of this. I remember what it was like moving from Baltimore, a very, my rent was $300 before I moved to New York.
And it's a small city. So it's like, you know, you find your scene, you find your people, and it's pretty simple, right? It's affordable and it's like socially pretty straightforward. To move from Baltimore to Chicago or New York, two fucking huge cities, there's going to be some fucking growing pains. You're going to have to figure it out. Luckily, we have the fucking... The ambassador. Yeah, the alderman. He was the alderman. The Rogers Park alderman or wherever the fuck he is.
Over here. The mayor of Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Rogers Park is not... It's all lesbian snow. So there's a creep, but it's... There's cat cafes. So listen to fucking Mateo. But also, you're gonna... There's gonna be a growing pains. There's gonna be an adjustment period. What he's saying is very good. Find your neighborhood...
find your little group of friends. Also during the summer, go to the beach. There's fair and fests every single, there's Greek fests. There's tons of different fests all over. There's, Chicago's a great, great, the only time it's hard in Chicago is January and February. Yeah. Because it's just brutal. And you're about to hit that. You're about to hit your first Chicago January, February. That's going to be brutal. that's rough. But I also say this, boom. So I'm not from neither of these places. I'm from here. Yeah.
But when it comes to meeting people, I feel like I'm pretty good at that. But when I was in... You're also stunning. Yeah. And I do crowd work in real life. There's no difference between her on stage and her... And me off stage. It's the same. My friend pointed it out, and I was like, that is how I... Like, meet me to waiters in restaurants. I'm like, where are you from? Anyway. Yeah. Yeah.
Airbnb has this thing called Experiences. Okay, damn. Where you can... He's the Chicago fucking... We're doing advertising for the Chicago Tourism Board and Marie's sponsored by Airbnb Experiences. What the fuck is this? I'm actually sponsored by Airbnb in Balenciaga. Now that we're discussing it.
I know, no. Edit this out, Elvis. Bleep that out. No free fucking lunch, you motherfuckers. You want to fucking advertise with Stavi's World, you fucking email stavibabyenterprises at gmail.com and come correct with the offer. Stavi Baby Enterprises.
The official business email. - Anyway, boom, boom, boom, boom. This is what I'm saying. They have these experiences and it'll be like, bar crawl with natives or like, you know what I'm saying? Like go on Airbnb for Chicago and look up some experiences and do cool young people shit. - Just do some shit, yeah. - Just do something. - And understand, this is a general rule,
You know, he's probably pretty young. He moved from Baltimore to Chicago. Like, you're going to fucking... There's going to be brutal shit in your life. You're going to take a lot of L's. And the more you fail, the more you embarrass yourself, the more you try and make connections and you don't, that gets you closer to the time you actually do. That gets you closer to actually meeting someone, actually meeting a group of friends. So...
You just got to put yourself out there, Yerasime, my fucking countryman. You just got to meet one cool person, and then they'll introduce you to everybody. Yeah, and Chicago's such a great city. It is a great city. Really, you've got to give it a chance because I think Chicago, different than New York, is a lot more local Chicagoans living in Chicago. Yeah, for sure. So it's people who already have lives that are established there. So I think the Airbnb thing is a great idea. I didn't even know they did that. All right, stop with the ad. Now we're talking about ****.
I don't even, you're, you're fucking, uh, all of these are getting bleeped out. Anyway, let me put my Adidas jacket back on. We do want an Adidas sponsorship. That we can leave in, Eldis. Um,
So good luck, buddy. And just, you know, stay the course. You'll be, and you also have to be a drunk in Chicago. I feel like everyone gets drunk. Oh, I did forget how much of a drinking city it is. It's a crazy, yeah. Because I barely drink anymore. And Chicago's like, woo! Yeah. They drink and drink and drink. No, you'll be, you'll be, you'll be good to go. You'll be, you'll be sucking on some hefty Midwestern titties in no time. And be eating at the Golden Nugget at 4, yeah. Yeah. I love this life for you, man. We believe in you. Um,
I think that's going to do it for us. Our boy has to take his little call here. We thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, too, for doing the show. Thank you. What a wonderful. I'm so proud of you, Stomp. Thank you, buddy. Come back anytime, guys. We'd love to have you. Anything you want to plug? Anything you want? Yeah, you're not coming. I'm coming back. It took me three days to get here. I had a pack of lunch.
I had a canteen that I had to squeeze in water. Thank you. Thank you for making the pilgrimage. When does it come out? Probably like January, early January. Oh, okay. Um,
Well, I have my specialty advice special out on YouTube. Go watch that shit. Fun. I also just give horror advice to a bunch of people. Okay. And then on the road, you can see me. Go see my boy all over the fucking place. Yes. Yeah, go to MatteoLane.com. Just go to MatteoLaneComedy.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll actually be in Chicago at the end of January. Look at that. Doing some shows. Come see me. I'm really nice on stage. Where are you going to be? The hideout, I think. Okay.
Yeah, so I'm doing, it's like a, it's a festival weekend, so I'll be there those two days. Go see Marie, go see Mateo, they're both very funny, two of my favorites. Go see us on the road, we're coming, me and Eldis will be all over the fucking place. Big theater tour coming up, stavi.biz, buy your tickets, buy the calendar, we should have been fucking plugging the calendar earlier, we'll add that. That's the ad we should have done. You should have done, yeah, yeah. The calendar brought to you by all of these are getting blue.
What's the therapy? Yeah. So, yeah. Go fucking do that and we will be back. 904-800-STAV. Leave your questions and we'll be back next week. See you then, guys. Ciao. Leave your questions and leave your man, babe. All of us should leave their man.