Jessica Kirson
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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World. We're back in the studio. We've got Eldest. We've got one of my favorite comics, Jess Curson. Came all the way to Astoria, Queens. Thank you so much for being on the show, Jess. Oh my God. Pumped to have you.

We just introduced her to A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer, which is one of my favorite diet sodas. We're angling big time for the A&W sponsorship. That's really what this podcast is all about. As a diet soda fan. That was so good. Right? Isn't it incredible? It's so good. It's unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Yeah, I know. I just love it. I'm not even getting paid. And everyone on the show knows I will not plug anything for free. A&W has my heart as a fat man that loves a little treat. You know what I mean? Of course. Come on. Who am I talking to? You know, you love treats.

Of course. I love treats. And diet soda. First of all, I'm addicted to diet soda. What are some of your... Let's start diet soda talk. Sprite Zero is my favorite. It's a good one. I love Diet Coke. Of course. I've been drinking Diet Coke my whole life. The classic. Diet Pepsi, I'm fine with. But this is like... Next level. I'm on a...

like in another planet yeah i'm telling you that i love it just a drug i know major drug i love having someone on the pod that was a fat child because this is the kind of stuff that we can bond over immediately yeah it was a file yeah i love it i wasn't fat my parents made me really my father fucking blew me up because yeah because i was a little fat and he'd be like you're fat fuck you're fucking fat cunt and then i blew up to piss him off oh there we go i ate i ate at him i'm

I mean, man, I really blew up because it enraged him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I really... You got back at him. Oh, my God. I ate the furniture. I ate everything. I love that because we have a lot in common here. I mean, although I will say I came to being fat just from pure... My mom was just...

Just I could do no wrong and she never wanted to deprive me of anything. Oh, yeah. My dad wasn't they were both kind of fat. My dad had like a my dad had a heart attack when I was like 10. Oh, boy. And he lost a bunch of weight. And after that, he became fat phobic. Like once he was he was like too good for us. The rest of the family was fat. And then he was like, you you porky pieces of shit need to get it together because he was going to die. You know? Yeah. But my mom was just like.

And also, it's so funny when you look back at your family and you realize where everything comes from because...

Like, we have alcoholism in the family. We have addiction. And my mom was so worried about drinking and drugs, but she didn't realize that we just got addiction through food. Like, my mom was the first person I saw just like, you know, I would go to the kitchen. You know, we had two bathrooms in the house. I grew up in a little townhouse in Baltimore. If one of my brothers was in the upstairs, I'd have to go all the way downstairs to use the bathroom. And I would catch my mom just, like, sneaking treats. And, like, I was like, this is...

You have what grandpa had. And I have it too, by the way. And by the way, 10 years later, I would spend my adolescence, as soon as I got free reign in the kitchen, when they weren't afraid I would destroy, burn it down, I would make, I was in there making like triple-decker sandwiches. Oh, me too. I was hiding food like an animal.

I love that too. And I also, you said you did it to your dad to make him mad. I was listening. The only research we do on this show, because I love stand-up and it's a nice chance to go back and watch people stand up. You had on an older album, you said...

Which basically is the encapsulation of all stand-up comedy. Please laugh, I hate my father. Which was like, that's what stand-up basically is. It was just like, so it's funny to hear that it was to prove it wrong. Well, you know, as a stand-up, there's always someone in the audience that reminds you of your father or your mother.

And you can have a thousand people screaming, but there's one person just staring at you. You're like, Dad? It always bothers you. Yeah, of course. You could be crushing. The guy's girlfriend, in my case, this happens a lot. Me too, yeah. It's like somebody, or the friend who has no idea who you are. Right. It is not your taste, not their taste at all. And I will say, it's never who you think it's going to be, because...

When I was younger, I was like, oh, I'm worried about old people. They're not going to... But it's like, old people are sluts too. They remember. They love the... In fact, I was like, you know, when I started comedy, my whole thing was like being a fat little rascal, a fat little adorable. And I had all this pussy eating jokes. I was just trying to get laid. And whenever I saw old women, I was like, oh, they're going to hate me. They love the pussy eating jokes more than anyone. They were like this. I'd have old ladies when... I remember when my pussy...

My pussy was eaten by a fat man. Yeah, they haven't gotten eaten out since the Truman administration. It's bringing back memories of the sock hop.

Yeah, so, and by the way, we got into A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer Talk. Think about it, folks. Sponsorship. But I want to say the show Stavi's World, we do it. Jess will be here. We'll be answering your questions, guys. That's half the show. I like to, you know, riff a little bit. And then we'll get into people call in and we solve their problems. 904-800-STAV.

And we'll obviously take some calls, but I want people to know that you have, you're very, I think you have a particular skill set for answering all these questions because you grew up with therapy. Therapy was all over your life. Your mom, that's another one of those hilarious bits where it's like your mom, you know, you're trying to, your mom's like seeing patients, literally. She was a therapist. My mom still is a therapist. Wow. She's 79. Wow.

Isn't that amazing? That is crazy. You think she's slipping? You think she's losing her fastball? Well, I have a joke. She'll never hear this. She's not listening. No chance. She's not subscribed to Stavi's World. We don't have too many almost 80-year-old Jewish ladies that are our subscribers. Can you imagine if she calls in, I don't like that you're talking about me right now.

No, my mom is, I can't do this on stage because she would freak out when I have this joke where it's like, you know how therapists say, so what I hear you saying is that you feel that you're not being seen. It's like, I feel like my mom would be like, so what I hear you saying is nothing. I can't hear. Speak up. Yeah.

Yeah, my mom is a therapist. She has saw clients in the basement of our house my entire life. So I had to be quiet. This is totally true. And I lived in the attic and I'm Jewish. But that's...

It's totally true. It's all true. How many siblings do you have? So I have one older sister, Jennifer, and then my mom married Zach Braff's father. Did you know that? I swear to God. I've seen you with Zach Braff, but I figured maybe he's a brother-in-law. No, my stepbrother. So my mom, when we were young. So then he and my stepsister. And he's not the piece of shit.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's your biological father. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was great. He was a very funny man, but he had a bad temper. He was a rageaholic. He was not a great guy, by the way. This is so crazy how repressed you still are. You've grown up with therapy. He fucked me from the age of five, but he was really...

He had a great personality. You should see him at a party. It's so funny how we're like, oh, no, he wasn't that bad. Yeah. He hit me with a sledgehammer, but he was really generous. But it was my fault. I was being a bitch. He molested me, but my clothes were really tight. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, no. But so I had three stepbrothers and a stepsister. Okay, gotcha. And then my dad got remarried to my stepmother, who was 11, and they had two. One of those. Yeah. Not a good guy. No, he wasn't. Not 11, but much younger, I'm guessing, right? Four. And they had two, so I had a half-brother and a half-sister. So you're basically what we're talking about. So 46. I had 46. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

And in the house, in the house, who'd you grow up? So that's why you're in the attic? I had... You were like, everyone had the real rooms? Yeah. Yeah.

No, I had one sister and then I really lived with, for a while, Zach and my stepsister. Okay. Everyone else was out of, you know, in college and stuff. But yeah, she was a therapist and I've been in therapy since I'm eight. I literally have gone to every single kind of therapy. And then I studied to be a therapist. Wow. And I went for a master's in social work and then became a comedian, which I say is the same thing, except I don't have to listen. I talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's the same thing. This show is bullshit. People call me for advice. Can you imagine? I love it. I love it. And we both do a shitload of crowd work. So it's like, that's why you're good at it. It is fun. Yeah, yeah. Because you're aware. Like even from just talking, you're very aware. That's why you're so good at crowd work. I appreciate that. Because you get people. Yeah, it's interesting. It's fun. And you do it the same way where it's like, you're not...

Like, crowd work can be a bit of a trick, right? Right. We know there's comics, there's people who have made their living that aren't even in, like, New York. You go to, like, you know, a shitty town or where I started in Baltimore. There are plenty of guys who...

You see them once, you're like, wow, that guy's incredible. Then you see them again and it's like, wait, they did the exact same crowd work the exact same way. And it's like, and look, sometimes that happens. Sometimes you get caught in a situation where you're like, all right, I'm just going to say this easy thing and I'm going to move on. But the best crowd work is when you're like,

There is... In one second, I know everything about you. The way that... The way you're sitting, the way you're in an outfit that you know you can't pull off, but you were hoping maybe you could. But your posture shows that you know you can't pull off a bright yellow blazer. It's like, why did you know? You have to be very smart and aware in life. You have to understand people that...

And you have to really get it. You have to get it to be able to do that kind of crowdfunding. And you have to have also like no other skills. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, I'm pretty perceptive here, but it's like I can't do anything else. I've been getting steadily dumber for 15 years, but I'm so much better at this one thing. I understand.

By the way, that's got to be so annoying, Jess, because it's like, you're like, I fought my whole life, you know, my whole life, you know, trying to be understood, trying to get respected by my parents. You carve out a great career in show business and your brother is Zach Brass. It's like...

It's like, you got a special, one of the best comics working, and it's like, this motherfucker's in huge TV shows, movies. You know what's funny? You're like at Thanksgiving. I love it. Oh, that's cute. The Comedy Central special, that's cute. So how much is Scrubs making in residuals, Zach? Yeah, meanwhile, he brought Mandy Moore to Passover. Oh.

He fucks the hottest women. And he always says to me, you get the hottest women. No, but no, you know what's amazing? He comes to stand-up shows. Like, he came to The Cellar last week, and he's like...

He's like, I don't know how the fuck you do that. Like he came on stage with me once at the underground at the cellar and he had the sweat marks on his arms where like he was shaking. He goes, I don't know how. To them, to these actors, they're like, this is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life and I don't know how you do it. Which is crazy. To me too. I'm like, why is this so scary? There's 30 drunks here.

I don't respect any of these people. I feel the same way. Especially if you get like a middle of the week crowd where it's like tourists, they're drunk. It's like, I don't care about you fucking animals. I feel the exact same way. It's so, to me it's... But again, that's what I'm saying. We got that one, we do have that one talent that we keep tricking people into thinking is impressive. It's like, where are you from? It's stupid. It's so dumb. Yeah.

That's it. So then you grew up in Jersey, right? Yes. I love Jersey. I'm a Jersey girl through and through. I hate when people put down Jersey. They think it's all like snooki. Of course. It drives me nuts. It's beautiful. It is nice. It's funny to be so...

To be so close that it's like you go to Jersey, you're like, oh, there's like fucking grass here. It's great. It's not that far away either. And I love Baltimore. I went to Maryland. I went to University of Maryland. Oh, okay. Underground. I spent a lot of time. Eldest. Oh, yeah. Fellow Terps. Awesome. Awesome. I love University of Maryland. I spent a...

shitload of time in Baltimore. I love it. That's great. Yeah, I remember in his off-campus apartment, I drank so much raspberry vodka that I think I projectile vomited all over. Raspberries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was pretty hardcore. I was drinking raspberry Stoli. Oof, I remember that. I drank a lot of that shit.

Well, Stav had a rough night when he after he got kicked off his campus. He came over there. He just like blacked out on Jägermeister. Everyone got sick on Jägermeister. I drank. I drank. It was the same night that so I got kicked out of my I went to a really shitty school, University of Maryland, Baltimore County, UMBC. You must be familiar with the with, you know, we were always the shittiest school, but I got a scholarship there. Nobody else would. I literally grew up 15 minutes from there. Yeah, but.

It was the only place that would pay for my housing. So I was like, I guess I'm getting a dorm 15 minutes from my house. But I got kicked out for smoking weed.

Really? I'm the one guy that that happens to. It was crazy. This is 2008, something like that. That's horrible. So I go to, and College Park was maybe 25 minutes down the road. So I just, I didn't tell my parents for months. I just lived on his couch. And the first night, I just blacked out. I drank a handle of Stoli Vodka, Jägermeister, and Steel Reserve, I believe, was how we ended up. That sounds right. I was so sick that night.

I mean, I was fat as shit because it was like the freshman like 80. Because it's like, you know, when you're like a fat kid who loves treats. Oh, yeah. And then you go to a dining hall. Yeah. Because we had the unlimited. Oh, remember how much you ate? I ate so much freshman year. Yeah. I was fat as fuck. And like, I've gotten very fat on the road. But I look at pictures of me and I'm a youth because you're like 19. So you look okay. But it's like, there's so much of you. You know what I mean? Like nothing's sagging.

But you're like, I'm just like plump as shit. You're just going out and out. Out and out. Face big as fuck. Yeah, so I could hand, I didn't die because I was so fat, but I should have. Like the amount I drank was out of control. I didn't die, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I was... You're still here. Yeah, yeah, I made it. That must have been... Oh, yeah, I didn't even think about that. That must have been the freshman when you get to college. I ate and drank so... I drank so much University of Maryland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cannot... I can't believe I didn't die how much I drank. It was unbelievable. It is so funny when you think about college where you just take all these kids who, like, have all these issues. And trauma from their childhood. Exactly, exactly. And you're like, all right, have...

The most freedom and the most resources. Yeah. And go into as much debt and get as fucked up as you want for the first time. Fuck everyone. I fucked so many guys. Yeah.

That's awesome. And I was always in a blackout because I didn't want to be with them. Of course. You're just looking for any kind of like nice feeling from anyone. Of course. Any approval whatsoever. Yeah, just like I drank 78 beers and was face fucked in a dorm room. Sounds like a good time. You sound cool in college, Jess. I was. I really was. I was a fun... Yeah. Just drunk, fat as shit, eating pizza, sucking dick. That's what I did. Yeah.

I wasn't even that fat. Oh, wow. Well, in freshman year I was. But then I was like, I was pretty okay. But I was just drunk all the time and I was high all the time.

all the time and I lived in a sorority house that was blast I was attracted to all my sorority sisters but I was just sucking dick because I always I haven't sucked dick in a really long time but I talk about this on every podcast I do but I like it because I'm an eater you know what I mean an oral fixation yeah I'm so oral it is funny I feel I love eating pussy and I do feel a little bit of like me too yeah we have a lot in common I do

We love A&W root beer. We love eating pussy. We got fattest shit at Maryland State Schools. We hated eating when we were growing up. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, so much hiding. I would pack sandwiches for bed. Like I was going to work in the mines all day. Literally in like a little lunch box. You had hiking shoes. Yeah, yeah.

I would make myself a little treat for when I went upstairs. That's cute. It was cute. It was cute, but definitely I do have an eating disorder for sure. No, that sounds so funny. I didn't have that much fun in college because of the getting...

getting kicked off campus but when I got back it was you know it was still pretty funny. For getting high it's so I know when you're a kid too it's like that's when you're supposed to smoke weed. I know. I smoke weed now and I'm like alright this is fine but that's smoking weed is for when you're 19. Yeah and the kids

do so many other horrible things and don't get kicked off. Oh, absolutely. That's the most upsetting thing. Yeah. Whatever. I made friends with some dumbasses and I was like, oh, cool. I just wanted them to think I was cool. Yeah. You know? Because my thing was like, I could... I always could...

you know, you're loud and it's the same, it's the same like the closeted stand-up in you where you're like, you're not doing stand-up yet so you just need attention from everyone and you want everyone to like you and all that stuff. Of course, that's how I was, yeah. And I can't even imagine, I can't even imagine like that, you know what we also had in common in college? We both wanted to and couldn't get pussy. That's another, I'm thinking through it now. We were both pining over sorority girls. Yeah.

I didn't know I wanted pussy yet. I didn't know, but I knew something was off. But boy, would it have hit the spot if you got in trouble. Oh my God, I would have been in heaven. I did eventually in my senior year. Oh, senior year. Yeah, I fell in love with a freshman in my sorority. It's amazing. That was the first girl I was with. I mean, I fucked around when I was younger and played house. I was always the top and I was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there was some signs. Yeah. But we all played house. I mean, that's so common for girls. You know, you would play these things like, you know, you were the boy, she was, I was always the guy. Always the guy. Yeah, always. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, that's when I first had my first, like, lesbian experience. But I still didn't think I was gay for years. Just dabbling. Yeah, I thought I was just, like, it was Melissa. I just thought it was Melissa. Something was special about her. Yeah, it was just her. And you look back, she's like, she was all right. I was just very gay. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. Everyone looks back at, like, their first love, and you're like, that must have been an incredible person. It's like, it's the first person who was nice to you. And, like, let you fuck them. It was the first person who wasn't abusive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. The bar was so low. The bar was so low and Melissa barely trotted over it. She's the first person that didn't hit me. Yeah.

Did you have like college boyfriends and stuff? Or were you just... I did. I had a couple of boyfriends. And again, it wasn't... The sex thing didn't gross... I'm not grossed out by guys. And I can find a guy attractive. And I enjoyed sex with guys. I just didn't... Could never fall in love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could never fall in love with a guy. It's the spectrum thing. Right, exactly. That's the thing. It's like you're not fully... Mm-mm.

No. So I hate labels. I hate... I would never call myself 100% a full lesbian because I'm not. But I couldn't... I just didn't want to spend time with a guy. I didn't want to spend the weekend to go to the mall or go to a movie. I just wasn't into it. I was like, get out. I'll suck your dick. I'll have sex with you. But I just want to go. Honestly... I didn't mind fucking. I really didn't. Everything you're describing is what most...

college-aged men are looking for. Exactly. I'm a lot like a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always been a lot like a guy in that way, like sexually. Yeah, but with women, it's like, let's hang out all the time. Yeah, but I just, they talk a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh my gosh, shut the fuck up. The other night on stage, this is so horrible. Sounds like you need a non-binary person. You need someone right in the middle. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Like a feminine, non-binary, they, them. I,

I really do think a lot like a guy where I can just... I'm a very sexual person. And I don't have like hang-ups with that kind of stuff. But I really... I just... You know, when I had a boyfriend, which never lasted more than like six months or even that long. I don't know. Six months is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. I think I've only had... I've had one real actual relationship that was like spanned a couple years. And everything else was like six months. Were you like in love? I was, yeah. But I have all my own fucking... Yeah. You know, my own...

The panic of... Whenever you're from a bad... You know, when your parents have a bad relationship. I know. You're just like fucked up in so many... And I would get this panic about being in... About commitment and about like... Because my dad, his whole thing was like, look what you... You know, you guys forced me to come to America. You know, he would blame my mom for coming to America. He was like, I want to be in Greece. Like, he would insist that he made a mistake.

As Greece's economy was collapsing, he was like, and like my cousins couldn't get jobs and like everyone is doing shit. He's like, we really should be there right now. And it's like he just had this idea of Greece that was just so, you know, fake and idyllic, right? So interesting. He just wanted, we took him from that or his family was like an obligation to him. And without realizing it, that's what I saw as like a relationship was like it's an obligation. The idea that a relationship could like

improve your life, that finding someone who really loves you is actually good and could like only help you, it just got through my skull. You know, so I would, anytime a relationship actually had potential, I would always fuck them up. Yeah. You know, and the only time, there was one time where I really did, where I fell into a relationship was because

I was right before I moved to New York. This is in Baltimore. I was about to move to New York in three months, four months. She was going to move to D.C. We were going to be in completely different cities. And it was like, OK, so this isn't going to last thing. And then, of course, as soon as I move, I'm like, wait, I think I love her.

You know, because it's like, because you allow yourself to feel feelings knowing there's not the pressure of it happening. Right. And then it's like, well, it can't happen. We discussed this. And so that's happened to me over and over again, where it's like the girl I can't get over now. Same thing. It was a real casual thing. I was traveling. This was like last year where I was on the road for literally a year straight. And I was like, look, I can't really have a girlfriend right now. It's not going to work. And then she left.

You know, reasonably got a boyfriend. We would hook up every once in a while and have a great time. And I was like, wait, wait, I think I actually... Can you be my girlfriend instead? And she's like, no. She's like, I can't. I understand totally. So that's my whole thing. That's the shit I'm trying to get over now. But...

I really understand that. It's really a lot from what we come from. It's very, very hard. I mean, you have abandonment stuff. It's like my mother wasn't around a lot. I always think someone's going to leave me. My father moved out of the house. So it's like there's so much stuff that we come with. Absolutely. And then each person comes with their own shit. So it's like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Let's not even forget all the other bullshit. Right. Whoever is stupid enough to be attracted to you has.

Like, imagine how damaged they are. And then I'm always like, why do they want me? Why do they love me? I'm not unlovable. There must be something wrong with them. It's so horrible. Of course. It's hard. And it does, you have, and it's funny because it's like that manifests itself as a comedian. It's like, yeah, this is our whole lives. But it is funny to look back at when you were a kid and you see that, like,

attention seeking behavior before you have it. Like you have this great story about when you got drunk with your friends and in high school I believe somebody pissed on the lawn and you had to one up them. Yeah I shit on my mother's lawn. Yeah.

You just shit on your mom's lawn. People don't believe, well, most people believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some people are like, no, you're not. I'm like, no, I did. I actually did. Ask my mother. Like, if you want to call my mom, I mean, send her a message. I don't know what you want to do. Book a session and then bring it up. Yeah, yeah. I really did. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Because it was like everyone. It's on my special on Comedy Central. But I actually really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm desperate for fucking attention. And everyone was just getting drunk? No, it was the first time I ever got drunk and I had my friends over and it was during the day. We were 14. It was during the day? Yeah, it was on a Saturday and we were...

Yeah, of course. I think I definitely drank around two six-packs of beer because I was an addict. I'm an addict. Yeah, of course. So it was the first time, you know, from the get-go I drank everything. And we all went outside to smoke cigarettes because I wouldn't let them smoke in the house. Right, right, right. So this is in the middle of the day in an area where there's all wealthy people in New Jersey. They're just driving by and everyone's smoking and...

A Hebrew school is taking a break to smoke cigarettes. And my friend Laura, who I just saw in Portland, we were just talking about this and dying laughing. She pees outside on my mom's lawn and we're all cracking up laughing. And I'm like, oh, what can I do to get attention to one up her? You know, because I'm the class clown. Need everyone to like me. And I had a shit. This is true because I was wasted and I was smoking cigarettes.

And I, of course, fucked my face with food because we had chips and all kinds of shit. Nothing better. So I went, I was like, I have to shit. And they're all like, shit us.

Because we were out there for like an hour, hour and a half smoking. You know, you're drinking, you're smoking. And the fact that that was the first time, that must have felt incredible. To be drunk smoking a cigarette for the first time. Yeah, well, smoking, drinking outside, just eating, whatever. It was beautiful out. It's still great the thousandth time I've done it. I can't, like...

Because now it's a little treat to smoke a cigarette when you're drunk. I try not to smoke anymore because I'm fat as shit. And I figured after 30, it was like cocaine or be fat. Cigarettes or be fat. You know what I mean? There's a couple things where it's like after 30, you have to decide. So now it's like a little... I still won't do coke, but I'll smoke a cigarette every once in a while. It feels incredible. It's amazing. And it's the first time you're getting that nicotine high and your friends are like...

Shit, it'll be hilarious. I can't imagine how... You must have felt so good. That must be the most ecstatic shit you've ever taken in your life. Well, I kind of don't remember taking the shit or anything. I remember when my mom... Well, I'll tell you really quick. I don't remember taking...

I don't remember actually taking the shit. Okay. But I remember she told me how hard they were all laughing. I mean, she's like, I'll never forget the whole thing. But I remember the next day how sick I was because this was a Saturday. I didn't even go to school on Monday. That's how sick I was from how much I drank. A two-day hangover as a teenager. Two-day. Two-day hangover. Wow.

And but the next day I was laying on my floor on Sunday because I couldn't lift my I couldn't even function. Yeah. And I hear pounding on my bedroom door. My mom came home.

And so where was your mom screaming? I don't even know. She was never home. Oh, really? Never home. Interesting. We'll get into that next. Finish the story. That's why I'm fucked up. I'm serious. She wasn't home a lot. And she was knocking on the door, pounding on the door. And I I couldn't even get off the floor. I mean, I literally it was I was so sick from how much I drank. It was horrible.

And I opened the door and I was on the phone with my friend Amy. I had a very close group of friends. And Amy, I said, oh my God, oh my God, she found a beer bottle, a beer cap. I'm dead. I'm going to be in so much trouble. I was freaking out. And I opened the door and she's holding the dog by the leash. I mean, by the collar. And she said, I told you not to let the dog shit in front of the house. And she took, she grabbed, you know when they grab with the nails? She grabbed my shoulder. I had

Nail mark. Crazy. She grabbed me and she grabbed the dog and she took us both outside and she put the dog's nose in my shit. That's incredible. And the dog just like looked up at me. Yeah, do you think the dog knew your pheromones? Of course. This is not my shit. I feel like the dog looked at me like, I don't eat Doritos and like fucking Domino's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. There's a pepperoni in that. Yeah, yeah. It was like...

I didn't eat brisket. That's hilarious. A human shit to blame on a dog is so funny. I felt so...

I felt so awful. It was like, I couldn't even believe what was going on. I was so sick. I couldn't believe the dog's nose was in my shit. I'm like, what is happening? It was so confusing. I love that your mom felt the need. And Amy heard the whole thing. Because I just like dropped the phone. I said, hold on a minute. So she heard my mom say that. It's been the running joke. That's an insane thing. Did your mom ever find out it was your shit? Oh yeah, I told her. We laughed so hard.

So I told her years later. I mean, we died laughing. Did the dog ever forgive you? I don't know. My mom got rid of the dog. She gave him to a farm, quote unquote, when I went to camp one year. I mean, there's been a lot of abuse. My dog just disappeared one year. A lot of abandonment. Your dog crossed your... I love the idea of a therapist who's that fucked up too. That's really funny. A therapist that feels the need to... Like...

She made you watch, even if the dog did shit, dragging you out to watch. Why did I watch? That's so true. I've never thought of that before. That's crazy. Why did I have to watch her? It was metaphorically putting your face in shit. Was watching you, watching the dog. Oh my God, that's so true. I've never thought of that. It's like, you did this. Why did I have to see that? Yeah. Yeah.

It was part of the punishment, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. That's so funny. That's insane. I wonder why I had to... I guess I had to watch the dog be... I don't know. Yeah. I don't get why that... It's like psychological punishment. Like when you played sports and you would like fuck up...

Sometimes the coach would make the rest of the team run so that they were mad. I played sports and that happened a lot. I think it's kind of the same thing. The dog is suffering because of you. That is why. You're right. It's a double whammy. Both get punished. It's very...

There's very, it's a very economical way of punishing. You know what I mean? Two for one. That's exactly why I had to watch it. And so no snitching though. Your sister didn't tell on you or anybody told that you were getting drunk. That's kind of, that's kind of nice. Jen wasn't home. My sister wasn't home. I think she must've been in a friend's cause she was what's,

18 at the time. Gotcha. So she, or she was in college actually. So where would your mom go? I don't get it. My mom, my mom was with my stepfather at the time at that point and she wasn't around a lot. She was, um, she,

She was a therapist that was out a lot and she was helping other people a lot. This is a very, it's an interesting thing. It's like, and she's done a, listen, I at this point forgive her for the most part because she's done a lot of work and she's a very different person now. Very. Very.

and she has apologized a lot and she's really made up for it in my adulthood like she's really shown up for me in my life i have to say that's good so much that's huge that's huge yeah yeah which most parents don't do yeah um of course and like i can't tell you how much she's shown up for me from like whatever 25 on you know but it was rough it was really rough and i don't think that

that you can really redo that. I think it's so much damage that you can't ever fill that hole. Like I joke about it on stage, but like when the audience claps or gives me a standing ovation, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole. Like no matter what you do, that hole is empty. And it's that mom thing that no person, no amount of applause, no amount of food, no matter of drugs, like it will, I,

It just will never be filled. There's an emptiness in me that mom didn't fill. If things went right, you would be a therapist with a nice androgynous mind.

husband or wife. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. No need to be on stage. Except I go for really, really femme women. I love a fucking hot femme heels. Good for you. Yeah. Is that your type? What about guys? Yes. You know. It is? Pretty much. I mean, I'm open to whatever, honestly. I do... I've dated people, you know, girls across the spectrum, but... I mean...

Mostly, mostly very feminine. I mean, my, you know, you know, I mean, no, that's true. I do go, I like women also with no makeup on, naturally pretty. Like, I don't love a ton of makeup kind of like this, like with the lips. I hate that actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I also do, I love, I just love women. Guys, I, you know, I find men attractive too. What was your type? Was it a feminine man? No. Not at all. I like a guy. I have a friend who, she...

would fuck the most feminine men and masculine women. And she was just kind of in the middle there. That was really her thing. That makes a lot of sense to me. She would like peg feminine men. I get it. I totally get that. And I think that's hot. But I'm not. I'm not into feminine men. I would be into a more masculine man and I would be into more feminine women. Yeah, that's nice. The way God intended it.

Which is weird because I want a more masculine man to peg me and I want to peg a more feminine woman. That makes sense to me though. Really? It's like sometimes you want Chinese food, sometimes you want pizza. Yeah, that's true. Like right now. You don't want pepperoni in your lo mein. You know what I mean? You don't want shrimp fried garlic knots. There we go. That was close. I almost didn't thank you, Eldis. I almost didn't get that one out.

That makes sense, though. Yeah. We got to have you back to talk more about it. There's so much to talk about. I know, there's a lot. We need to get to, let's get to some questions here. Let's take your expertise. Sure. Our combined expertise and solve some of these people's problems. Eldis, hit us with the first one. Hey, God, I really plan on that. It's not going to work, motherfucker.

He has no technical training, he's just my friend. Hey, can I really clam up on a voicemail? My husband is taking a new weight loss drug called Monjorno or Monjaro. And it's an injection that's meant for people with diabetes. He does not have diabetes. He's lost about 40 pounds before he started this, just from like...

and eating less and working out. And I'm super supportive of his journey, but I'm getting a little like concerned that he's taking this drug, it's super expensive, you don't know the long-term repercussions. I'm like, I'm not gonna do it. And I'm getting a little self-conscious because our weight to weight ratio is getting tighter and tighter as he loses weight.

And I feel like I'm going to have to start losing more weight. Um, just so you know, he's six two, he's probably two 20. Now he started at two 60. Um, and I, I fluctuate between one 50 and one 90 and I'm probably at one 80 right now. Um,

I got it. I got it. So let's let her finish and we'll do the recap for you. Yeah.

very heavy on on the weight loss drugs and did some time in the 80s and ended up having a heart problem because of it and I'm just Have a lot of feelings about it. I wanted to see what your feelings are Okay, and I know you're on kind of a weight loss journey and what you think about these new drugs. Okay. Thanks So to recap here

Her husband has been losing a lot of weight. He's already lost 40 pounds, and he went on, there's like a new drug. There's like, what's this one called? Mangiano? She said Mangiorno or something. Mangiorno, Ozempic. I don't know if you've heard of it. DiGiorno. DiGiorno, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If DiGiorno starts making weight loss drugs, they put little pills in the pizza. Now we're talking. Oh, my God. You eat one pizza, and you don't have to eat the rest of the day. Yeah.

That's an idea. So basically, her husband has lost a lot of weight. And there's two separate issues I'm picking up on here. One, she's starting to get a little self-conscious because he keeps losing weight and she doesn't. And they were probably, it sounds like they were pretty, they were both pretty chubby and happy and he's losing a bunch of weight. And that's number one, which that can be, that's problem enough, right? Like there's nothing, you know, you just kind of feel, you just kind of feel your significant other. Mm-hmm.

getting better and being like, are they getting ready to replace me? I know. You know what I mean? That feeling? Yeah. That's a tough feeling and it's like... Very. That's, you know, it might not be true, but it's hard not to, especially if you've had abandonment issues, whatever. And then the second thing is, she comes from a background where her mom took a bunch of like crazy weight loss drugs in the 80s, had a heart problem, clearly had some kind of like eating disorder, whatever. And I think it probably fucked her up too. So now...

Her husband. So these drugs are all like everyone's losing a lot of weight on them, but there isn't like no one does know the long term effects. So I think she's kind of worried about that, too. It's like what we're discussing or just you kind of seek out. It's it's how ironic that like her mom was somebody who had a problem with like weight loss drugs. And now it's like her husband completely years later.

She's taking these like new drugs. So she's, it's kind of a double sided thing. Um, I get the worry about like, well, what the fuck's going on with what you're losing weight. You're getting hair plugs. What's going on? You know, like I get that worry for sure. Um, but that's, you gotta, you gotta take care of those two separately. I think.

She also says the drug is expensive. So it's kind of like this thing of like she's subsidized. She's potentially worried that this is some kind of perfect storm of all her insecurities where she is subsidizing her husband getting hotter...

The same way her mom traumatized her. And at the end of this, she's going to be broke, still be chubby, and her husband will be, like, ripped and getting pussy from, like, a 25-year-old. Yeah, I totally agree. I know. These are her issues. And, you know, you're right. Listen, do, like...

We need a little bit more context to really be able to help you out. I think your worries are, are they founded in, is this just, what you have to really ask yourself is like, is this reality? Or am I reading too much into this? Am I just worried about this because I'm feeling insecure?

Or has this guy, has your husband, husband, right? Yeah, husband, giving you an actual reason to worry. You know, have you caught him? Did he download Tinder on a bachelor party weekend? He was like, no, it was for Mike. I didn't, I don't know this. Is he all of a sudden working extra hours? You know what I mean? So I don't know. But if everything is going right in your relationship and everything feels good, then...

You don't have much to worry about, but if you're... I don't know. You have to ask, like, is shit going weird between you two? There's a lot, you know. And also, like, are you...

Do you find it attractive or is he becoming a different person? And then do you want to lose weight? Do you want to join him on this thing? Because I feel like that happens a lot too. I feel like couples doing it together can be kind of like a bonding experience. And if they don't, it can kind of create this rift. So you have to figure out, do I want to go along for the ride? And I think you're right to worry about these drugs, but...

That's another thing you have to think about is like, am I really worried about the drugs or am I just having flashbacks from my mom doing speed and doing a Richard Simmons sweating to the 80s tape? Which, by the way, I did do with my mom as a fat child. As a fat child, me and my mom were doing aerobics in the living room.

I know someone who went on this drug, like a friend's sister went on it, and apparently she did lose like 40 pounds or something pretty quick. But then she started putting back on. So this woman should just hang in there. Hopefully the husband just starts getting fatter again. Oh, interesting. Sabotage your husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he'll blow up. That's actually the real solution here is sabotage your husband's well-being.

Start meal prepping for him and pouring butter into his chicken and broccoli. He's like, hmm, what is this? Oh, just a new... Into his chicken and broccoli. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pour liquid ghee into his green bean casserole. I feel like a good way for her to approach it is like, you know, just solve all the problems by being like, hey, I'm happy you're losing weight. This drug is a little sketch, though. Maybe we can like look at...

long-term exercise and diet and stuff and not relying on like drugs for maintaining the health or whatever but he's gonna do it if it's working he's in it it sounds like he's in the fucking zone exactly he's already lost 40 he's you know what i mean like and it's possible i think the real the real there's two possibilities here he's either just going like

Psycho mode on losing weight We've all been there when you start to see results And you're like fuck it I'm just gonna I just need to do it and he's addicted to the weight loss He'll do whatever And he's working out That's weirdly her best case scenario Cause the other scenario is He's getting ready This is like right before you Quit your job you start working on your resume You know what I mean Those are the two options And

And one is much better than the other because one is just like, you know, support him through his weight loss. And then if it where it ends, if it ends, be there for him. And then also maybe can you do some healthier stuff in your life? Because it's not wrong. You know, it's good for you to eat a little better, you know, even if it's motivated by marital angst. But and then the other one is just something, you know.

Probably isn't the case. I don't know. We don't want to wish the worst on it, but it is a possibility because that does happen sometimes when people are getting ready to jump ship on anything. They're like, all right, let me improve myself while I'm still drawing this paycheck. Let me enroll in a continuing education course. And that's, you know, working out and losing a bunch of weight. So, you know, good luck.

Let us know what happened. I don't know. There's too many variables here for us to give you anything definitive. There's a lot going on here. But that is our read of the situation, and good luck to you, sister. Call us back with updates. Hit us with another one, Elders. I got a tough one here. Me and my ex are going through a custody divorce case. And, you know, I was really hurt by what she did to me.

Makes sense. The most Jewish lawyer. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Oh boy. Jesus Christ. Okay. I do believe this.

Do I show leniency or do I go for the kill? Okay. You are a much more sympathetic character if you don't mention the ethnicities of everyone involved here. I don't know if I believe this. It sounds a little too... It sounds a little...

But at the same time, he does have the voice of a man who got cucked. I will say that. You can hear it in his voice. And a racist voice, too. He sounds both racist and cucked. I mean, there's the Jewish lawyer, the black... I'll give you one of the two. You can't double up on Jewish lawyer and black guy in my bed. That's what I'm saying. That's why I was like... Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, if... Here's the...

If this is the... Let's say... Let's do the two scenario. Yeah. In the event that he is... This is true...

I would say cut back on the, you know, in your day-to-day life, skip ethnicity as a main descriptor of a person. I'm Jewish, so I'm like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And guess what? I'm sure she fucked a lot of other dudes not in your bed. How about that? I bet she fucked an Italian in your hallway. 100%. She probably sucked off a couple Peruvians. Who knows? Yeah.

Now, if this is the case and let's, you know, let's say it is, um, I, you have to think about like, you know, you're right. Mother, your child, all that stuff. Do you need, like, do you need the child support? Do you need all this stuff? Is it necessary for you? Um,

And also think about ruining her. You have a kid to think about here. Do you absolutely want to destroy this person who's going to be in your kid's life as well? I would be the bigger person.

sure you got cucked but let's see buddy what happened to you to deserve that because that's the other thing guy like if this is real I'm guessing maybe you weren't emotionally available maybe you were dropping a couple n-bombs at your kids football game I have something to say too how can he afford

If he can't afford the best Jewish lawyer, why is she paying child support? Right, right, right. Doesn't really make a lot of sense. How can he afford the best lawyer there is? Why does she owe him child support? That's a good point. Jess is here sniffing out the bullshit. Sorry, I'm Jewish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I got my own Jew, pal. He's got his own Jewish lawyer.

So we're going to dump this and say it's fake. But if it's not, think about the kid. If it's not, find your own black dude and have him pay you. Yeah, exactly. Suck off a nice black guy. Here's another one, Eldis. I was just called in to explain my question very well. So I'm dating a girl right now. Great woman. Really am very much in love, but I got a little bit of a problem with her. She has...

She's always been like the bro. There's a guy, a friend of guys, a group of friends or guys from college. Two were hitting it. And I just went to the wedding of one of theirs. And all the girls fucking hate her because she's hot. But at the same time, she fucked a couple. So my question is, what do I do with that? How do I tell her that she can...

We're going to be long-term. I don't want to talk to those fucking assholes anymore. He's a really great guy. I do think he's really cool. But still, I don't want to talk to him. Sexual tension is uncanny. Anyway, let me know, brother. Appreciate you. So you have a problem that the girl you're dating fucked guys before she knew you? Is that the problem? Buddy, this comes with the territory. Like, if you were the hot girl who, you know...

fucked like her. She fucked a couple of her friends. Also, when did it happen? How late was it? You know, when, you know, if it's, if it's ancient history, if it happened when they were in college or they were kids or early twenties, and now you guys are in your thirties, forties, um,

Now, if she has a relationship with one of them that's a little inappropriate or her ex-boyfriend is still around in a weird, flirty way, that's one thing. You can have that conversation. But you can't be like, never see anyone you fucked before, bitch. You know what I mean? You can't do that. Well, is there something also that she's doing that makes him feel... Right. Like, girls sometimes can be, you know...

I mean, women might be upset with me saying this, but it's really true. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes, you know, I've been with women sometimes where they're like, with guys they've been with or women they've been with, they're a little too friendly. Sure. And I get insecure. I get that. Because I don't normally get insecure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes they're a little too friendly and flirty. And I'm like, come on, you were with that person. Of course. Can you have some boundaries? And I've definitely had... It's not appropriate. I've definitely had an issue with like...

somebody I was dating and it's like, you know, like it's really tough when you knew you guys were dating, you broke up, they hooked up with somebody, you get back together and they're still like have a relationship with that person. Right. To me, and maybe that's also wrong, right? This is just my thinking. But if it was somebody that like existed way before me, right? Like way in the past and they have like,

You can't be uncomfortable because they're friends with someone they slept with. That's something you have to get over. But if they do have a kind of flirty relationship that's making you insecure, you can talk to her about it.

And also think about why am I insecure? What's at the root of this? Should I be insecure? And you have an opportunity to work on yourself to hear a little bit, buddy. You can also be like, why does it bother me? You know, it's like, you know, and look, maybe he's the kind of guy who the people he slept with once they're done. Maybe they're just two different people. Right. Because there's also guys who kind of have that relationship with the next. But if you guys aren't on the same page with this thing, then, you know, that can just be an issue.

I like it that he's like, she's always been like that bro, the friend of guys. And in a group of guys, you know, two were hitting it. It's like, she just sounds cool. She sounds like Jess in college, actually. I like women like that. Yeah, they're cool. But it could be his own thing. You're totally right. Because people can grow out of that too, right? Like we all, everyone has been, you know, everyone's like,

you know, that could have been in the past. But again, if she's still behaving this way, if like it's a way that's making you insecure and she's crossing a boundary that you want to set in your relationship, you're entitled to setting some kind of boundary. But you're not entitled to be like,

don't ever talk to somebody you fucked in the past. That's a little fucking crazy. So because his question is, how do I tell her, you know, we're going to be long term. I don't want you talking to these fucking assholes anymore. Like that was his question. Yeah. She's going to. Sorry, man. Your ex is going to talk to some or your girlfriend is going to talk to some people she fucked. Probably, especially if it was like a a casual fling. And maybe at the root of that is jealousy. Right. Like at the root of that is like, you know, I don't know.

Yeah, it could... Eldest, you're fondling the mic over there. Do you have anything to say? Oh, no. I thought... I just thought it was funny. He was like, how do I tell her I don't want her talking to these fucking assholes anymore? They're really great guys, but, you know, the sexual tension is uncanny. Yeah, that's the thing. You don't even dislike them. You're just mad she fucked someone before you. If they're ass... If they were assholes, fine, but they see... You said they're really great guys, man. I think...

I think there's a little bit of he has some of his own shit to sort out. And you have to figure out what's a fair boundary to set and talk to her about that boundary. You have to do a little soul searching somewhere between never look at anyone who whose penis you've sucked and go ahead and fuck your ex whenever you want. There's somewhere there's a nice middle ground there. And I think you got to find what's right for you and move forward, my friend.

But, you know, you might have to make compromises. No one's happy with a compromise. And I think at a certain point, that's what you're going to have to figure out here. Something that's workable for both of you. What else we got, LD? And by the way, folks, by the way, 904-800-STAV, call in, leave your questions. We'll get to them. So I'm 25. I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now.

When we first started dating, I'd already had plans to buy a puppy, and we bought a puppy. And now I just feel like she hates the dog. Oh, no. Yeah. Like, we'll be having a good time, and the dog will come in the room, and she'll just instantly just be pissed and yelling at the dog and shit. And it honestly is, like...

bumming me out like i really really love my dog he's almost a year old now and i just feel like her inability to kind of handle a high energy one-year-old dog he needs some energy i'm literally gonna take a nap ridiculous and you're actually i just want to know like what should i do i don't i mean i love everything else about her

But if she can't figure out how to have a dog, I just don't know. Like, I'm not getting rid of this dog. All right, man. That's awesome. You heard it in his voice at the end. Yeah, maybe it's your fault for conditioning her to such a low-energy motherfucker. It's like you versus the dog. It's like you're over here like, what's up, babe? You want to like...

Get a burrito. I don't know. And then the dog comes out like. I've never been suicidal until now. Yeah. But you heard it. The only time he perked up was him being like, I'm not getting rid of this dog. He was low energy until the end. He's like, I'm not getting rid of this dog. He's been doing, he's been having this argument with her in his head for the last like week. He was like, it's staying. The dog is staying. Yeah.

Look, man, you're 25 for a year and a half. Interesting. That's a long... For a 25-year-old, a year and a half relationship... That's a long... That's a long one. So it's serious and you like her, but... I'm laughing that you said he's been having the argument in his head. 100%. He's been having... He's practicing when this comes up. And what's going to be so funny is that he's going to blow his load so fast. Like, when you've been practicing the argument, you go to 100 immediately. Even if she's just like... I'm not getting rid of this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, hey, can we talk about...

buck and she's like he's fucking staying bitch like that's what's gonna happen so you need to relax first of all if she brings it up you gotta take a breather because i've been there too when i've been practicing a conversation and the person like just comes at you totally normally but you're already at a hundred because you have you know unresolved anger issues um

Look, here's the reality. You have drawn a line here. You love the dog. She doesn't like the dog. I know couples that somebody has an annoying pet and they get over it. I've known couples where somebody doesn't like... My friend had a dog. His...

girlfriend didn't really like it, but guess what? They're married now and she puts up with the dog. Yeah. It's kind of like a very... I totally agree. It's a very low level, you're being like a step parent, a very low level where it's like somebody might have an annoying kid, but guess what? That kid's in your life if you really love them, right? And you have to be kind to night, you don't have to be the most loving person of all time and she doesn't have to like

you know, play with your dog. But if she tolerates your dog and she like, you know, is nice enough to it, if she's not abusive to it, basically, if she's just neutral, then you have to... She doesn't have to love the dog the same way you don't have to get rid of the dog. You know what I mean? So...

And if it becomes a problem, I think you're recognizing... 25 is also the time when you realize what you want in a relationship. And maybe this guy wants someone who loves dogs. That's possible. You know what I mean? You're finding it out at 25. Every relationship you have that doesn't work out unlocks a little something where you're like, oh, I like this, but I didn't like this. So either... So she has to accept the dog, but you also have to accept that she doesn't have to love it. And if you guys can't come to a middle ground, then, you know...

You're fucked. It's a new relationship. You got to go to a dog park and find yourself someone with a nice golden retriever. Those are your options. Do you ever have pets? I totally agree with everything you just said. Oh, thank you. And that was a brilliant answer. Oh, Jess, stop, please. You're so smart. It's really refreshing. Come on. I'm blushing over here. It's true. And I get concerned with people who don't like animals. I'm not saying she doesn't like animals, but...

You're right. Plus, he's still young. Oh, she, whatever. They're both young. And the dog. Oh, the dog, you're right. The dog's a year old. It's like she was into it when it first, like you can't, she was okay with it at first. What's he supposed to do? Get rid of the dog now? He's attached emotionally to the animal. Like people are nuts. A hundred percent. She needs to get over it. Yeah. Yeah. But she doesn't have to be super loving. No, she doesn't. You're right. I love what you said. So yeah, good luck, pal. We'll see.

Yeah, I'd love one day to have it. I travel too much right now to have a pet dog. I've had pets my whole life, but I can't now. I want a big fat bulldog at some point. Love them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to bite them. I just love them so much. I want to have matching tracksuits with my dog someday. Yeah. Let's do another one before Jess has to go. Yeah, it's 1225. We're getting close to 1230, so we'll do one more with Jess here.

Starves, another Australian here. Australian? I've just started Open Mic's at 26. Hey there. Done three or four and of course I've told everyone that I am now officially a comedian. In Australia there isn't as much of a theme so at what point in your comedy career would you consider moving for it to get more spots and how long...

you know, should you be trying open mics before you're saying, hey, maybe I'm not fucking funny or not. Love the show. That's humble. At least he ended it with the end because before he was like, I've done about three open mics and I'm thinking maybe I should move to New York. When can I do the Beacon Theatre? Yeah.

Can you get me a sport at the cellar? So good. I'm glad that you added the end part. But there is nothing like three or four mics in confidence where you're like, oh, I'm going to be famous. But first of all...

Let's just discuss for a second how a lot of the newer comics have no humility. That is true. And they literally talk to me as if I'm just starting. I know. It's like, no, seriously? Yeah.

Bring it down a notch. The problem with the internet, the democratizing force, is that I remember being an open-miker and thinking I deserve a special, right? And I was very wrong. I was absolutely wrong. But if I could have, I would have filmed a special.

I didn't have the ability to. Now, the way you... Like, a big way that your comedy career, that you put out content is through clips, through YouTube. Anyone has the opportunity to do it. And if I was starting now, I would 100% put my atrocious material on the internet. And guess what? Because the algorithm's fucking dumb, some of it might have gone viral, and I might have thought...

Oh, sick. I'm good. I deserve to do this. And so that there is a problem where they're like, oh, I'm ready to go because I have access to the things that make you famous. And I kind of feel like, look, I feel bad because I've put a lot of my career has been helped by putting out a bunch of crowd work clips. But I did comedy. Don't feel bad. I did comedy for 15 or what is it? 13 years. It doesn't matter. Don't feel bad. Crowd work. Let me explain something.

You and I are very good at crowd work. And there are 95% of people suck at it. But that's what I mean. It's an art. I feel like I'm running Exxon. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm getting rich off this thing that's ruining the environment.

Like I'm getting rich off crowd work. No. And then it's like... You're thinking it the wrong way. And everyone is doing crowd work and most of it is bad. I know, but it doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. You and I are at the upper level of it. Sure. So it doesn't matter. We are putting out a good product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like...

How can I describe it? It's like a product where there's amazing TVs and there's horrific TV. It's a business. And a lot of new comics, you plug in their TV and it electrocutes you. Right, but TV's a dumb reference, but I'm just saying there's great products and there's horrible products. And we put out incredible stuff and we're getting a huge amount of followers and making money off of it and packing rooms. And then there's people who have really...

horrible a crowd. We can't control that. I agree. I agree with you, though, with, like, when it's young comics, because it's so funny. With comedy, I consider myself a comedy Republican, where I'm like, the rich should get... The good people at comedy should get all the resources. Yeah. And then the open micers should have to claw. Yeah. You should be, you know... Well, I'm saying it's like...

It's one thing on the internet, but then if you're doing comedy and you're not getting any response and you're bombing and you think you did great, you need to go to a mental institution. Well, that is the thing about this. Because I'll get a standing ovation from a thousand people and think I didn't do great. Yeah. Well, that's who's good at comedy. Right. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. So these people who are doing it and not doing well, and then they have no humility when they meet me, who are just starting, like a lot of these...

a lot of them are amazing but there's a bunch who are especially like when I'm talking about like female comics and I'll meet them at clubs like on the road or in New York and they're like hi how are you? No no I'm like you know honey I've been doing this 24 years. You have too much self esteem. You just fucking started nine months ago. I am royalty to you. Yes.

And believe me, I'm filled with self-hatred. But when I met the women who started before me, I was a geisha girl. I literally talked to them like, hello, can I get you anything to drink? What would you like? When I, they were fucking, they were, I was getting them water. I was like, can I do anything? I'm still like that with Margaret Cho and all these women. They're friends of mine. They're social friends of mine. And I'm still like, I kiss the ground they walk on. No, I fully, I mean, I do. They paved the way for me. A hundred percent.

There is like, and that's that. It is funny because usually the open mic confidence gets bludgeoned out of you when you bomb enough times. Right, right. And there is a, that isn't really happening. No, it's not happening anymore. Yeah. So like, but let's go back to our Australian friend here. So you heard that buddy. Don't, you're horrific at standup. I want you to understand that.

Even if one day you'll be good. Even if one day he'll be good. There is right now and for the next minimum three years, you're atrocious at stand-up comedy.

And you have to understand that. That's just how it works, right? So at one point in your comedy career, would you consider moving? I would say, well, where are you? Are you in one of the big cities in Australia? Because I think Melbourne and Sydney both have pretty good scenes. So, you know, go somewhere where you can get up as much as possible. The only advice for young comics, and I think you'll agree, is like get on stage,

and start to kill more than you bomb. And like, I know that sounds like, duh, dumbass. That's obviously what you should do. But that's, there's no other advice. None. You have to figure it. And the beauty and the scary thing is you have to figure it out yourself. No one can tell you how to do it.

Even if you try and steal a style, you try and steal jokes, eventually it'll catch up to you. You have to generate it yourself. And in terms of how long should you be trying before, you know, giving up, that's everybody's, you know, that's up to everybody. I mean, I remember thinking like, I just have to give, like when I moved to New York, I was like, I just have to give this a shot for, I was like, I gave myself five years. And I was like, if nothing happens, you know, after five years, I moved here when I was 26.

I was like, I'll just fucking go to Baltimore. I'll run a local showcase. I still love stand-up. I'm never going to stop doing it, but I'll get a real job, and it'll always be a part of my life.

And everyone has to make that decision for themselves because it is a fucking horrible life. And it's getting harder. That's the other thing. It's like, it's like, it's harder to carve out a career. And even like what we're talking about where a young comic can go viral. It's like, well, I think, I think it would help me was that like,

I put out these clips and then people come out to see me and I've been working really hard at stand-up for... You know, I've been doing it 13 years. So I'm good at stand-up. People who discover you through a clip that goes viral or something, they come to see you. You've been doing it 24 years. You're fucking great at comedy. And it like...

it there's a retention thing where it's like you see other people who might have huge internet followings that might even sell more tickets the first round but they don't have that kind of like retention and that's the hard part with stand-up is like now it takes self-discipline to be like to know yourself and be like when am i ready to put myself out there and the old rule used to be 10 years yeah that used to be the benchmark was like

You're not even good at comedy. We don't even consider you a comedian until you've been doing it 10 years, which I remember being 19 and being like, what? 10 years? That's more than half my life. But now that I'm 33, about to turn 34, it was true. People would say it, and I thought, that's stupid. These old guys, they don't fucking get it. And it happened. It became...

it became 10 years and I was like oh wow I'm actually better at comedy something did a switch did flip so you know just do it do it as much as you can probably quit if we're being honest with you my Australian friend the odds are just quit but if you do love it and you have to do it give

Give yourself a few years of open mics. See it out. And the nice thing is, it doesn't have to be your job, right? If you're young, it's like, you know, do something else. You're 26. You're not going to get paid for years. I remember when I made money, I was 24, and I did all the local gigs I possibly could have. And I featured at, I was at McGuby's. I was in Baltimore. I was featuring at McGuby's. I was featuring at the Draft House. And in three months, I made like,

a nice amount of money and I was like I'm quitting my job I can do it and it turned out I had just gotten every gig I was going to get for the next six months I knew you were going to say

And then you had to go again. I was like, what? And then I had to just get a job at a paint store again. But good luck, pal. Again, it's a bad life. It's a bad choice. But give yourself a couple years and then see it out. Get yourself five good minutes, then 10 good minutes. And then you can, you know, if it's going okay and you can get a job at a big city, try it that way.

We don't want to keep you just, we know you gotta, you gotta be someone we'd love that. We, we could do hours. If you hours I could do. Yeah. So please come back. We love you. You're so smart. Stop it. Come on. I'm blushing person. So what do you want to plug before you get out of here? We want people to come see you. I have a,

ton of road dates coming up at jessicacurson.com k-i-r-s-o-n and then I'm on tiktok jessicacurson I put up the crowd work clips like you do and Instagram and you know I'm on YouTube I have a big YouTube page jessicacurson.com get in there this will be on YouTube so go click on over to jessicacurson

Click on over to Jess's page. Thank you so much for doing it, Jess. We'll pause here. We'll say bye to Jess and me, and Elvis will do a couple questions here to end them. But that's going to do it for Jess, guys. And by the time you see it, it will just be a seamless shift. But we're going to be gone for five minutes.

All right, we're back, folks. Jess had to run. What a great, she was so great, though. We got to have her back. So much shit I wanted to ask her about, but me and Nellis are going to rock you with a couple more calls here. LD, what do we got, dude? Let's go to this one. Hey, Stav, this is Mike from Philly. I hope this question gets answered on the Spotify because I'm too broke to afford this. You're in luck, you fucking broke piece of shit. But yeah, so I've been seeing this girl for like four months.

And then we just became official like last month. Okay. But yeah, so she has some issue in her family that she won't tell me about. And she said she doesn't have the emotional availability right now. So we're going on a break. And so I started seeing other girls. Okay. But I kind of feel bad. But should I be feeling bad? And if I shouldn't, then it's whatever. But should I tell her afterwards when we get back together? Okay.

Yeah, let me know, because I feel it's a weird gray area where we're not talking right now. Oh, man. But I don't really know what's acceptable and what's not. So if you have any advice, let me know. This man's getting his Ross from Friends on. This man's, we were on a break. This is an age-old dilemma. Now, here's the reality. This is kind of like a game of chicken.

Where it's like, if she doesn't fuck anyone and you fuck someone, yeah, technically you're right. But how's she going to feel about it? You know what I mean? Now, here's the good news for you that's actually not good news is that sounds like she wanted to break up with you without saying it. Right? Doesn't this sound like a coward's breakup to you? I have an issue in my family. I don't have the emotional availability right now. That's a weird thing. Let's go on a break. That's a weird thing to go on a break over.

You think it would just be like, I have this thing. I don't want to talk to you about it at the moment. But to go on a break over it's just a little... Because how did it even come up? What did he say? They were seeing each other for four months and then became official last month. Right, right. Okay. So you haven't done anything wrong technically, right? Are you keeping in contact with her at all or are you just on a complete break? Should you feel bad about it?

I mean, technically, no. But at the same time, it's like beating a video game. It's like, you know, Angry Birds will give you three stars if you really crush the level. You're not going to get a three-star relationship if you fucked another bitch. You might get two stars. You know what I mean? You might barely squeak by the level with one star. But the way you really crush a break with someone that you really love is...

Not fucking other girls. You know what I mean? And look, again, you didn't do anything wrong. And other people might have other perspectives on this. But if I were on a break with somebody I really cared about and she fucked somebody else and I didn't, I would still, I would be like, all right, that's fine. You know, you got me, but I'm a little disappointed. That's all. But that's, you've already done it, right? And you said you're in a gray area. Yeah.

So, you know, you're fine. And you'll only really know if and when you get back together. But there's also a chance that no one in her family has any other issues than her ex-boyfriend with a bigger penis than you texted her. And that might be devastating to hear, but that's a possibility too. I think you're okay. And depending on how she views things philosophically, you're probably fine. Do you have to bring it up? No. I don't think you have to bring it up un-

Yeah. Like if she asks you, that's a weird thing to be like, I'd rather not say. Because that means I've definitely fucked a bunch of bitches. You should be like, I don't have the emotional availability to talk about it right now. You should be like, actually, my uncle's back in rehab, so I can't confirm or deny whether I got dome.

Good luck, Mike from Philly. Let us know how it goes and if she ever calls you back even. Let's get another one going, Eldo. Okay. Dumbass. Oh, here we go. Hey, what's up, Dov? My name's Dan. Love the show. Hey, Dan. So I've got a question about my job for you. So I'm in Los Angeles. I work at a smoke shop. Nice. And...

I don't know if you saw, but recently California banned flavored vape products. So the issue is that we've got a bunch of like these vapes in our inventory and the shop hasn't been doing so well.

since this law was passed. And, you know, we can't sell them because it's illegal now. LibTarts crushing small business yet again. Kind of putting like a little bit of pressure on the workers. It's just me and a couple of other guys to like figure out a way to sell these. And it's like, my thing is I don't want to get involved in like the, you know,

criminal, anything, any criminal kind of underworld, like here in LA, I can sell, you know, five or 10, maybe to my homies, but like, I can't, you know, we have hundreds of these, um, at this point. So, you know, the shop's not doing well. I don't want it to go out of business. Um, like what do I do here? Do I just tell them, you know, no, you know, or what, what,

What do you think I should do? Thanks. Yeah, no shit you'd want to get involved in crime. You got nervous leaving a voicemail. Imagine him at a drug deal. He's getting robbed by Cubans so fast. What do you think? So this guy wants you to sell the vapes off, like offline basically. Is that what he's saying? Yeah, he says his boss is like pressuring them to just figure out a way to move them. This is so crazy because it's like,

I'm shocked that this shop owner is even that ethical and he wouldn't just be like, if someone wants it, just sell it to them. Yeah, well, that's why this guy's a fuck. Your boss is a piece of shit here, right? Because if he really had fat nuts, he would just be like, sell them at the store.

Keep selling them at the store. What does he want? He wants you to fucking... He wants to be your supplier. This guy thinks he's got cocaine and you got to kick up to him. If I were you, I would steal these from your fucking stupid boss and sell them for a profit. Now, you're both bitches here. Your boss is a bitch for taking advantage of his employers and trying to get them to assume all the risk. You're a pussy for thinking you're in the criminal underworld for selling mango ice vapes to fucking children.

Yeah, I mean, look, if your boss wants you to sell these off the record, then you should get a cut of them. Definitely you're not selling these for your hourly wage. That's on your own time. That's fucking insane. So, you know, whatever. I would just...

I would... If I were you, I would sell them and I would take a cut of it. I wouldn't sell them on my time off. I would buy them wholesale from my boss and sell them. Because what do you mean you get involved in criminal underworld, dude? Yeah. You just need to find like 10 guys who would, you know... People love these flavored vapes. And obviously you don't sell them to kids, but like...

There's plenty of fucking adult men. What are you smoking on right now, Elders? I got a little elf bar. What flavor is that? I think it's peach mango watermelon. Peach mango watermelon. For children, legit. So yeah, that's what I would do. I would, if your boss is trying to get you to, if he's trying to get you to sell them off the clock, then the part that offends me is that he's trying to eek work out of you for nothing. Yeah.

But if he's like, hey, you can, if they cost whatever they cost, how much does that bar cost, Eldis? This one was kind of pricey. It was like 20 bucks or something. 20 bucks, but he's like, hey, I'll sell them to you for five. If he just wants to get them off his books or he's like, I'll sell them for you for 10, you can sell them for 20. I would do that because I love money, dude. I know how to fucking take the brick and flip it. But you're a fucking pussy. Yeah, I used to sell fucking weed in high school.

I used to use it to buy wings and nachos from Nacho's Mamas in Canton and smoke hookah with it. Yeah. You were really good at tracking your profit and losses. Ha!

And not smoking a lot of the weed. I definitely didn't smoke most of the weed I sold. I definitely didn't sell weed for one entire year. And after you took out takeout orders and the weed I smoked ended up with $500. I remember getting ready for college and being like, I must have like 10 grand in here. And it was $570. I was like, what? I was like, how did this happen? Yeah.

So anyway, you're a bitch and your boss is a bitch. But, you know, that's what I would do, buddy. I wouldn't work for free for this piece of shit. But I also, this is an opportunity to make a little extra cash, potentially. And I don't, and that was all parody. And I don't condone selling anything illegal to anyone. I don't condone illegal activity either. I know I have a flavored vape and it's illegal in New York. I got this shit in Delaware or something.

That's fake. He painted it. That's actually water vapor. Next question. All right. I'm a fellow uncut male from Baltimore area. The reason for my call is because I see that you guys take questions like this to talk about raunchy shit. Sure. I actually have some fungus on my dick. I'm not sure if it's actually fungus, but it's a rash.

Under my wiener, like the head of it. Under a wiener? And I'm kind of nervous to go to the doctor to show them my dick. I don't know, it's kind of like a phobia I have. Oh, man. I was just wondering what you guys think I should do. I mean, it's been going on for about two weeks. That's disgusting. It might be an STD. It might just be fungus because I'm dirty. Ew, dude. But yeah, I mean, if you guys can help out.

I would really appreciate it. This guy's disgusting. You identify as dirty? It's one thing to be musty, but to be like, yeah, I smell like shit. I don't shower. It's suspect that he calls it a fungus first before a rash. Right. Like, what he's describing, I'd be like, okay, I would probably just call that a rash first. Sure. And not jump to conclusions. So under the head of his dick. Now, whatever. This guy being disgusting aside...

And he's giving a bad name to the uncircumcised community, by the way. This is exactly what people think of us. You motherfucker. How dare you, dude? Pull up your pants. You're giving the fucking cut community. They're looking down on us because your dick is fucking disgusting. So you definitely got to go to the doctor fast for all of us.

So he's got a phobia of showing the doctor his dick. You got to get over that, brother. He's a fucking doctor or she's a doctor. I will say there was one time I went to the urologist in college when I was pissing all the time, which just no one ever solved. But I was pissing all the time and I had this old Jewish doctor, old Jewish man doctor. And I was like, all right, fine. Like this guy, see my little ass dick soft as hell. No big deal.

And then he was training this young girl, this woman. But she was like mid-20s. She wasn't hot, but she was like super hot. But she was like an attractive younger woman. Honestly, kind of what I go for. Like curly hair. Again, not super hot, but absolutely I would have fucked her. And somehow my dick shrank even smaller than it was because I was scared. She was literally holding my dick like this with her blue. And I was just like...

She's like, hmm, kind of a tight foreskin. Just like remarking on how fucked up my penis is. And she was like nervous because she's getting, the guy's watching her with a clipboard over his shoulder. You know how humiliating that was to just show my little, like my dick shrank. My dick was like one inch at that moment. I don't know what happened. It was like the Grinch's heart. I thought you said it shrank. Huh? I thought you said it shrank. It did shrink, Eldest. You piece of shit. Okay. Okay.

My dick is not too good soft to begin with, but it got so much smaller. Anyway, I survived, though, and I got my penis checked out a little bit. And you have to just do that, too. How fucking dirty are you? Do you just not shower? What are you really scared of here?

I have a little expertise here. Please, Elders. Oh, yeah, you have yeast infections on your dick. I, too, have had fungus on my dick. I keep calling them yeast infections. I'm like, I got to change how I'm describing that. I think athlete's thrush is more appropriate for what I've dealt with in the past. But I, too, have had, you know, yeast infections or whatever under my dick. Sure. Makes your dick look fucked up. It's like...

It's like weird spots on it. Yeah. It spooked me out. And when this guy says he has a phobia of going to the doctor, I think what he really means is he's scared he has an STD. Right. Which is kind of the zone I was in when I had this shit too. Were you raw dogging back then, Eldest? Uh...

Yeah, with my partner. I mean, it was... Oh, you were in a relationship. It happened a couple times in Baltimore, and then it, like, happened a couple times in New York as well. But never when you were a bachelor out on the town. I guess when I was technically single, it happened in New York. Okay. But... Yeah. But you were using condoms. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, you still never know. Whatever. Sure. But, yeah, just go get it checked out. I went to, like, I remember going to, like, if you don't want to go to the doctor's, go to, like, a Planned Parenthood or something. That's a good solution there. They're right up your alley for shit like this. I remember one time I went, when I was here in New York, I went to this Planned Parenthood, and I was, like, nervous. They were looking at my dick and...

It was like, this is a similar thing. It was like a young female doctor. She was like super cool, made me feel at ease. And I was like, I was clearly nervous because she was like, she just looked at my dick. She's like, nope, you just have thrush. Just take some little antifungus. And by the way, this shit is gross. It's disgusting, but not because of the thrush. But,

But I'm a trained medical professional, so I'm not showing my disdain for your fucked up penis right now. But her examination of it was literally like five seconds. She's like, no, you're good. Just take this prescription, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, my dick was back in my underwear in like five seconds. And then she was like...

But listen, I see your blood pressure's pretty high. Like, I was too fat and unhealthy. And she was like, the dick's whatever, but you seem like you got some other health shit you really need to attend to. Yeah, I'm sure this guy's that way, too. He says he's dirty. He's like, I might be a fungus because I'm dirty. So maybe there's other shit you need to figure out, pal. Hey, man, those Baltimore row homes, they're musty, they're damp. I think they're a beautiful place to grow up.

You get a real fine class of person out of those Baltimore row homes. But yeah, just go to the doctor. It probably is just some fucking nasty-ass fungus shit, but he'll probably just give you some pills. And wash your penis, pal. Clean your dick, dude. And stop raw-dogging the disgusting women that would fuck a guy like you.

All right. Well, listen, folks, we got a busy day over here at Stobby Baby Enterprises. I got a couple calls for some stuff to get to. Our guest had to go early. We'll have her back. She was so great. But thank you so much for listening. As always, if you enjoyed the show, we have a Patreon bonus episode once a week. Somebody's ringing the doorbell. Yeah.

We have a Patreon bonus episode once a week. Extra episode. We just had Karen Fee and we just had Sean Patton on. We're going to have some great guests coming up. You're going to love them. JP McDade is going to make another appearance. If you like the show, you want it twice a week, we put out this free one. We also have a Patreon. But thank you. Subscribe to the YouTube. Subscribe. Leave a nice comment. Leave a nice review online. Follow Eldest on the fucking social media. And thank you very much, guys. Someone's ringing our doorbell. We got to go.

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