Ian Lara
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Welcome everybody to fucking Stavi's World. We're here, my boy Ian Lara. Of course, we are going to answer your questions. That's coming up later in the show. If you want your fucking questions in here, the number is... What was it, Eldis? 904-STAV? 904-800-STAV. Super producer Eldis.

He's going to try not to fuck anything up this week. I'm going to try my hardest. Oh, thank you. Thank you. No, no one's clapping for your bitch ass. Don't lie to the people. So we are going to fucking get into some questions, Ian. We're going to have your expertise with these motherfuckers. But let's just chop it up, dude. It's good to see you. Is this Greece? This is Greece. Are we in Greece? We're in Greece. Right now, this is straight. We are in Athens right now. This is straight from Stabby Baby Studios at the top of the Acropolis. Stabby Baby.

Yeah, you like it, dude? I see so many Instagram photos posted from these white houses. It's dope, man. Dude, it fucking rocks. You ever been to Greece? No. No. It's one of the places, though. Dude, it's like...

People talk about going on vacation and shit. They ask you where to go. I've taken, whatever, ten vacations. Nine of them have been in Greece. It's like, why the fuck would I go anywhere else? When is a good time? In the summer? Summer's good, but also October, bro. You think it's going to be fall, it's going to be cold. The water's still warm and the tourists are gone. Early October is a great time. You don't want to go in May. You don't want to go before the summer because the water's still cold, the way that shit works. What is that, the Mediterranean? No.

Yeah, I did the Mediterranean. I went to Israel. Okay. Yeah, and I went surfing in the Mediterranean. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. That's pretty cool. I got to go to Greece. I'm going to go next year. Yeah, no, it fucking rocks, dude. But we got you here. You got a new special out, Romantic Comedy on HBO Max. Yes, sir. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

Thank you, brother. I just figured, let's get these motherfuckers. Let's get Ian on here. Let's get some of these fucking pieces of shit to watch my boy special. We go way back from the fucking, like, when I first moved to New York, we were doing, like, we were just doing all the same shitty rooms. The fucking standing room. Yeah. The standing room. The standing room. Eldest, you ever go there? The standing room? You ever see a show there? It was a club. It was a club. And it was, you know, honestly, it did suck, but it was like...

So important for my development. It's all we had. It's all we had. Because we weren't getting like, we were passed at the stand and we weren't getting spots there. I mean, it was one room at that point. It was the old stand. The old stand, the small, which is a great place. And then the standing room was a hallway that they put

two tables in and they called it a fucking comedy club it was it was fucking like dude you couldn't elders there was no like if you were staring straight you were looking at a wall you had to be like honestly like the distance was from like this wall this is a deeper room this is deeper this is a deeper room than the fucking carpet yeah yeah yeah it was fucking hilarious dude it was like a hallway we were doing comedy and you would you would look this way and you would look that way and that was like you could look center because it's the wall and um and it's like

You could tell how you were doing to each person. Like, there was no crowd. You had no... There was no... The lights on the stage, like, illuminated the entire room. You saw everyone's face. The spotlight illuminated the whole club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a waitress running it out. Didn't give a fuck at all. No. For whatever reason, everyone who worked there, the staff there, they were cool, but they had no idea of how, like, comedy should work. I mean, if the club did it, they were like, we're not gonna care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But every once in a while, like every room, you would have some hot shows there. You would. Every once in a while, it would be packed out and you'd kill. And for sure, I mean, thank God for that place because at the beginning, they were the only ones giving the spots. Oh, I lived in this apartment. I have a Stabby Baby Studios at the top of the Acropolis. But this apartment, when you met me and we were doing those shows, I lived in like a fucking 8x8 windowless fake room. Oh, really? In the fucking living room. Oh, yeah.

That's funny because I always remember you being successful. That's hilarious. I always remember you being...

Because I was like opening for Bobby and I was on the road with Tom Papa. Yeah. And I was like... Okay. It's like at each level what we think of as success like has to shift. But it was just like I was working on the road a lot like a lot at that time. But that's all I had. Yeah. I had those road dates and then we had the fucking standing room. And you had the podcast. The podcast was just started. We started... We weren't... It was like we kind of made money probably...

like a year into it. Yeah. I went on the road. I had this writing job too. I never really was broke broke because my rent was so low and I had this shitty writing job. And then when I got fired from that, I went on the road with Bobby for like a month. And when I came back, the show just was like making money. And I was like, fuck, I got to go get a job. And then we were like, wait. Yeah. What the fuck's going on? Yeah, I remember you were like one of the first dudes that I was like making a living. And then the word started to spread. Like, did you have much style? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, dude, people were fucking pissed. Yeah, because at that point in comedy, everyone thinks they should be the famous one. Because none of us had anything. And by the way, most of those people are dog shit at comedy. Like, the people we were... Like, that's why it's nice, because it's like, you were there... Who the fuck else? We had some good motherfuckers in there. It's tough to fucking say...

Petey was there. Jordan Fisher was there. Monroe and Derek, they were a little ahead of us. But that's why it's nice...

But it's nice now because you got the fucking special. And it's nice to just... Because you got the special on HBO and it was just because you're funny. There was no like... The podcast popped. I got lucky with that shit. And then YouTube and TikTok, all that shit's going well. But a lot of people are getting specials now off of just social media and not comedy. Yeah. And it's nice to see... That I have no social media. Because yeah, your social media is dog shit. Garbage. Garbage.

The man can't post, folks. Garbage social media. No, yeah, for sure. Dominicans can't really wrap their heads around social media. No, we don't understand how it works. I'm still doing newspaper ads. I took out a page in the Daily News when it came out.

Got no hits. Yeah. No, it's good. It's like cool being from the crop. And like, I always like, you're one of those guys. And I think I'd like to think I'm one of those guys that like, when you think of like us, they're like, all right, well, they're comedians that do well. Generally speaking. Right. Well, that's the thing. The special is so fucking funny and it's just like good fucking joke. So go, go watch the fucking special. Thank you, man. And I like it too. Cause it's very, I mean, it is very personal. That's another thing. It's like, there are also joke writers. Cause you're, you know,

Ian Style a lot of fuck you never seen a show with Ian have you Eldis no no one has yeah yeah yeah he might he would come to a lot of my shows me and him go back to when we were literally in kindergarten right so he's come to a bunch of the shows but it's like you know your shit is like for the audience just good jokes set up punch jokes yeah and like I try and there's you can get a narrative within that but like

sometimes it's hard a lot of good joke writers you don't really get a sense of who they who they are through that shit so what i really liked about the special was that like it's pretty personal you know and there's some stuff that like you know you have a lot of great bits but it's like a lot of it you do you know you fucking figure out who the person is behind the setup punchline jokes right well i i try to be that i try to uh be that because especially like the one thing like in uh

A lot of times in this business, you know, like the black comics get categorized as like having all the charisma in the world. Right, right, right. So they could just go up there with nothing and they'll kill off this charisma. Sing a song. Right. And you'll never kill as hard as that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then some of the white comics are known as being like really great joke writers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is hilarious. It's like even in like

comedy it's racist like the way they talk about sports where it's like well he's athletic charisma is athleticism right and like and like uh intelligence is joke writing you know what i mean it's like it's like it's like you know black people are capable of writing jokes you know i always wanted to be like a good joke writer like i always wanted when i started comedy i wanted to be like a good joke writer

But then a lot of people, a lot of my friends or people from the realm that I come from, they don't care about good jokes. No, dude. They don't care. Which is good, though, because you get both skills. That's what I liked coming up. In Baltimore, it was just like, yeah, you would do these little alt moves.

rooms, whatever. And then it was like, I would go do black shows and it's like, I'm bombing my material. They don't care about your clever analogies. No, no. And then I just like, the host was dark skin and I just made fun of him for that. And they're like, this is the stuff. There we go. Yeah, you're right. You're right. We can't tell the difference between his black polo and his elbows. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, that kind of shit. So I always try to, like, I always try to, even when I'm writing, like, I always try to kind of live in the middle thing where I'm like, I want to write a good joke, but I want it to be personable. And I want it to be alive through me and not just be, like, letters written in a notebook that could be recited by, like, anyone. Of course. That shit is so important. And what I like, and, like, and this show is about also just kind of, like, getting to, like,

you know, we're supposed to, we're solving motherfuckers problems. We're getting into like what everybody was into. And I loved watching the special and being like, and just like seeing, just relating to so much shit from like the immigrant perspective too. Cause I loved all that stuff. Oh, thank you, man. Yeah. Cause so you grew up here, you grew up in New York. Yeah. I was born and raised in New York. And, um, but like your, your whole family, your family's Dominican. Yeah. Yeah. And that was going on vacation. Dude, that joke is elders. You'd love that fucking joke where it's like the punchline. I don't want to ruin your joke. If you want to say where it's like,

it's immigrants treat going on vacation. Like it's the scared straight program, you know, where it's like, they're just like, this could be you motherfucker. Like it's not relaxing at all when you go on vacation. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That was the, yeah, that was the, I remember that was like a thought that I had during the pandemic, but you remember like, then you weren't getting on stage. So it was like hard to develop.

Of course. So I had the idea, and then I remember I sat down, and I was looking at old ideas, and I was like, yeah, let me touch this again. And I went down the whole thing about how I had to learn to go on vacation as a kid. You're supposed to relax and enjoy it. Yeah, oh, this is Albanian. I'm from Greece. And it's like my family would take me to fucking... We would go on vacation, and we're from Greece. It's the best...

Yeah. That's one, it's a good immigrant to be because it's like we, even if you're poor, it's like you're poor on the nicest island. Right, yeah. But my family's from Athens and we would just go and we would just be in the city. Yeah. And it would just be like me eating fucking like mushy pasta with my grandma. And it's like he, and my grandparents, no AC, both hoarders. Yeah. Both like, both are just like, you know. Same, same. I mean, I'm from the Dominican Republic. Beautiful island in the Caribbean. Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful. And don't get me wrong. We would go to a resort for a weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But most of it, it was like, why? That's exactly it. We would go to the nice place for a week. Yeah. And then we're just living in a shittier city. And I was from Baltimore, by the way. This is shittier than Baltimore. Yeah.

And it was like, we would go. Yeah. It's like, there's no AC. We would just watch like old American sitcoms with Greek subtitles. It's like, why are you making me live like this, dude? Same thing. Same thing. I mean, I'm glad I was able to find like a humor in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I feel like comedians will have stuff about like, they'll talk about immigrant stuff, but it's like very specific. So I try to keep my stuff like, it don't matter where you're from. Of course. It's like an experience that you kind of all felt. Yeah. Which is like.

I'm glad that relates Did you motherfuckers have No you couldn't flush toilet paper Dude Like you would have to There was our apartment There was a bucket That you had to flush the toilet with Sure yeah Same And shower You could take the water to shower And then we would do this I don't know if you do this Like the normal conditions Compared to ours Here in New York In the United States Was horrible Like it's like We don't live like that We have electricity We have things And they would have electricity But they would leave But then like

You would stay there for a little while at my family's place. And then like they would pick a day where they'll take you to something worse than that. Yeah.

To make you be like, this is luxury. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll lower all your things and then take you to a worse scenario where you're like, what? I didn't know it got worse. My mom's, like my grandma's village, this shit was just like, it really was nothing. It was like a village on a top. There's no cars. You have to walk the top of a fucking mountain. They have like, it's one. And it's like, I don't know if the DR is the same way. I assume it is.

mattress technology in Greece is like... It's 40 years behind. It's like insane, dude. Like my cousin, I went to stay with him this year. This year, he had been... He's a 38-year-old man who just...

got rid of the twin mattress he slept on his entire childhood and he bought himself a full and that and he was like I saved he had to show it all dude no no I'm not even kidding he was like I saved up and bought this and it was like like he has to he had like he was buying a car he bought a full not a queen a full mattress

And the room that he had set up for me to sleep in was his... Because he used to live with his parents, but they now lived downstairs, right? Because, like, the way Greek people have it is, like, every member of the family has, like... They built...

In the 40s, there was one little house and then everyone just built up. 100% in the Dominican Republic. And my grandparents' house, it was just a first floor. And then their kid, they built another level and their kid moved up. Exactly. And so he used to live with his parents until he was like 34. And then they, because they got tired of going up the stairs, moved to the first floor, which was like the guest, which was our family. When we would go, they used to say, but we don't go anymore. So they're like, we're just going to move down there.

And so his parents old bedroom, which he had was his gym. And it was like two rusty ass barbells, a yoga mat. And then he put his twin mattress that he had just gotten rid of. He put it straight on the floor and he was like, here you go, man. I've got, I've got your fucking, here's where you're staying. And I was like, Hey man, I think I'm going to get a hotel. He's like, no dude, I got a guest bedroom set up for you. It's a

No, I know. And so he was like, all right. He said he set my shit up. That's what I was. That's what I walked into on just a twin mattress that had been slept on for 28 years. Probably. He went from a crib to that mattress, got rid of it six months prior, put it on tiled floor and was like, here you go. Did you stay there? I stayed there and no bullshit. It was two months until like my back.

was fixed. Yeah. Because I went straight from that to going on the road. Your fucking American back is not used to that. I'm fat as shit, dude. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know the support. They don't know the support I need after having the American diet. Right, right. I am fucking... Like, there are no people as fat as me in Greece.

Except my uncle, who's fat, who's truly fat as shit. Now, are you known in Greece? Like, do I know you? No, dude. I'm getting worried that it's going to start happening. My family doesn't know how good things are going for me. Oh, really? So I'm not like... Like, DR, I guess, is closer and more connected. Oh, that's awesome. They know, like, they know people know me. Especially now that it's HBO. Yeah, now that it's special. Yeah, yeah. I think a couple things are going to happen this year, hopefully, that even...

will understand. Like, even my relatives in Greece will understand. Well, people get weird because, like, I did, I went into, when I went to the Dominican Republic last time, I did, like, press and stuff over there. Yeah. And it was cool. Like, I did, they have, like, a big podcast. They're about to kidnap you? They have, well, people online, like, they found where my grandparents live. Ha ha ha ha ha!

You do a fucking HBO special, your fucking abuela's going to be tied up. They're going to have her. They're going to send you a postcard with her. They're going to send you one of her toenails. It's like...

Well, she passed. Okay, all right. So let me step on that joke. All right, nice. But yeah, but my grandfather's still there. But they found it for no reason. They had no intentions. They just shared it on the thread. They're like, his family lives over here. And I'm like...

Do you want to kidnap them? Do you want somebody else? Why are you sharing this information? They found like an ex-girlfriend that I had. She messaged me. She's like, hey, I'm married now. Why are you? Why are your cousins asking about me? Right, right.

That's fucking wild. So you got to deal with that. That's fucking hilarious. But it's nice to go back to the old country and get like, I got recognized a couple times at the airport. That was super cool for me. That's sick, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder, because it's like American culture is huge in Greece, but it's so different. You're right. We're in the same, it's not that far. The Earth's not that far from here. No, three hour flight. It's like Miami. Yeah, exactly. So Greece is like a whole, the second you get one mainstream really big thing,

It's over. They'll talk about you forever. Like John Stamos? They just don't understand the internet. You know what I mean? No, yeah, that's the thing. But over there, if I was in a major motion picture release for one second, I would be on the news. You know what I mean? But having 10 million views doesn't mean shit to them, right? It's literally news. Tom Hanks...

Tom Hanks' wife is half Greek, and every time he vacations in Greece, it's on the news for, like, three weeks. Like, they have pictures of him eating calamari. But you know what I mean? It's like, his half... You know what I mean? It's not like Tom Hanks came to, like...

You know. Support anything. He's on a beach having fucking a pita. You know what I mean? And they're like. A pita is great though. Tom Hanks. And they're like. But you know what that means? That means you don't have time to build up. Like you're going to go from zero to a hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's like overnight. I know. They're going to be like. This is the king of Greece. Thank God we don't have that many relatives. Because it's like. I just like. Yeah. Because shit is bad. Going bad over there. So it's like. But even like. You have to think. Like you are. I mean. As far as like. Greek comedians go. You're.

Yeah, I don't know who else. Right. Giannis. Giannis, for sure. But you're like a top three guy in the country. Right, right. In Greece, for sure. That's like huge. Well, that's the thing. That's why... No, in America, I'm saying. You're a top three Greek comedian in America. Oh, yeah, yeah. I appreciate that. Oh, in America, yeah, I suppose. Which is like, this is the major leagues of comedy. Yeah, but you really...

Greek is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence. You know what I mean? It's like, who the fuck? It's me, Giannis, and then question mark, question mark, question mark. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm sure there's a bunch of guys that are successful, but to be top anything, to be top anything in the United States is impressive.

Yeah, but there's not that many fucking Greeks, dude. There's not, you know what I mean? There's Greek comics. There's a few. I appreciate it. But yeah, you're right though because local, like, not real fame, then if you look at it in like specific lenses, you feel way more fame. Like, there's nowhere I get recognized more than Baltimore because I started like talking about the Ravens. Like you walk down the street and

It's gotten... Ever since I started doing Ravens jokes and, like, a couple, like, Ravens videos have gone viral, it's like, yeah, I get recognized constantly in Baltimore. And it's just hilarious. You gotta start doing Giants injections. Dude, it's hilarious. People love football. Yeah, I know. I mean, especially Baltimore. Like, that's, like, a big football thing. That's all we fucking have, dude. We don't have another... I mean, we have the Orioles, but, like, you know, no basketball. Yeah. I got, like...

i i get now recognized a little more because of the special obviously and all the publicity like it's out right now and all the publicity they did before i had the weird thing happen like because i'm always down to take photos and i'm like every time somebody asks for a photo i'm like this is the coolest thing that ever happened to me but uh this past weekend like i was leaving the hotel like it was like 7 00 a.m i was checking out where were you on the road yeah i was in uh in uh wisconsin okay nice

club in wisconsin madison no i was in kenosha oh shit okay comedy club which is fine like we did two we did uh two shows it sold out and they were great and then the next day i was like checking out you know like you're checking out like you're like a little bit groggy as fuck like i was getting my coffee and somebody's like run up to me and actually like for a photo and i said yeah but i was like oh i can see how this yeah yeah yeah yeah but of course i'm so like i'm like yeah of

course I'm in Kenosha not only that listen bro listen to this this is how ain't shit I am not only like did they rush me to take the photo they didn't have their phone so they asked me to take it on my phone so I took a photo and wanted to send it to them

Yeah, that's next level. This is where I'm at in my career. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. I'm a photographer. I'm an artist. I had to edit it. And then he was like, could you crop this out for me? I was like, all right. How's the lighting, Ian? Oh, step over here. Yeah.

Hilarious, dude. This is where I'm at. That's so fucking funny. I love the DR shit, though. I'm interested. Have you been going back? Yeah, I just was there. I was there last month. Do you have much family you have over there? I still have a bunch of uncles, and my grandfather is still over there. Nice. And I have friends, and my family visits a lot, so we're still side by side.

And it's like you said, you get a couple things like HBO, Dominican on HBO. They support it. You're fucking David Ortiz as far as they're concerned. You're a big poppy. Right, right, right. Well, I love it. I appreciate it because they're obviously like a Spanish-speaking country. But I did shows out there. We sold out two shows in English. That's awesome. In the Capitol at the Comedy Club over there, which that was like a big deal.

Yeah, that's fucking... Because the funny thing is, everything about DR, like, when you think about going to the DR, it's like, if you're not from the DR, you're there for sex tourism. You know what I mean? And if you are from the DR, you're there to tend to your second family. That's usually what the fucking...

That's what everybody knows. So for you to have like this wholesome, I'm sure you have some fucked up, like some hilarious, like. Dude, you know what's funny about this? Family members and just like all that kind of shit. And I have family members who literally are there for both. Yeah. What's funny is. At least your Albanian uncle would love the DR. Yeah.

I didn't even know about the sex tourism until I got older. Yeah, of course. So, like, I was this young... And by older, I mean, like, I was, like, 23 when I found out, like, people are coming here to have sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I thought everyone just came to eat mangoes. Yeah, eat mangoes. And enjoy the beautiful weather. And then you have these white men that are like, no, we come here to fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We fuck nonstop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was working at the airport fresh out of college. So, like, you know, I was working for Delta. So you had, like, all these employees that would, like, fly for free. Yeah. And then you had, like, these old men

Men who were like Yeah I get I like to start my day With five women Oh Disgusting I'm like what Yeah just some old guy Never been married Yeah well They're married Oh they're married Yeah

He's like, I like to start my day with five women before 12. Good God. And that's how I get going. Then I like to finish it off with three women. Those poor girls. And I'm like, you're having sex with 10 women a day? Yeah. You're like, yeah, $75. Best deal in the business. Yeah, they're looking. He's frugal. He's thinking about it per nut. He's like, look, it's 75. So if I only nut once, that's 75 bucks. But if I nut five times, that's a good deal. It's like Costco. Costco.

You get prostitution and bolt? Yeah, essentially that's what these motherfuckers are doing, dude. That's funny. Dude, those poor girls. Has anybody tried to sell you, like, you know how if you're famous, they'll be like, if they recognize you, they'll be like, beer on the house. Has anybody tried to give you, has anybody been like a pimp and like, how about some pussy? Pussy on the house. I'm not, I want to reach that level of success. Maybe I'll get a Netflix. That'll happen. But,

But off HBO, you don't get that. You don't get that, no. No pussy on the house off HBO Max? No, you don't get that. It's got to be on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be linear for you to...

But that's like, I was having this conversation with my friend because they were asking me, they were like, all right, like you've done some things like, you know, like I've done some mainstream things. Like I've done Tonight Show twice and I got the HBO, got the Comedy Central special, whatever. So they were like, how is it like, are you getting like, do you feel like you're getting like a ton of women? And I'm like, I mean, you get women, but everybody gets women. You don't have to be like, not everybody. There's a group of people. Some of the people listening to this show right now. I can't relate to anything I'm about to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But generally speaking. And we'll get to your questions soon, guys. 904-800-STOP. Call in if you don't get any pussy. Me and Ian do, though. So we're going to talk about that for the next couple minutes. Well, you get a ton. You get a ton. It's so funny because, like, my niece works at the stand. Okay. And, like, she'll send me, like, your post, like, going on tour. And it's, like, you naked on a convertible. And she's like, I love him. And I'm like, what?

I'm like, this is how he does it. Like, I don't understand. He's just like doubled down on who he is. It's hysterical. Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious. If you're just honest. If you're just you. If you're just you. And it's like, hey, I just bought it. I have some ribs. Would you like to eat some and come give me head? Someone's going to say yes. You know what I mean? I'm like, I didn't know you could be that honest. I didn't know this existed. Like, I'm like, did he just tweet that he ordered Chinese food and he'd also like head?

And then just get 3,000 retweets asking to drop a location. I know. It is really funny to get famous in just, like, I'm not actually famous, but I'm famous in the exact niche way where the most, like, I've talked about this before. It's like, I got famous, I got podcast and internet famous, which is where a lot of mentally ill women that will just fuck you exist. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's probably like the best way to be. It's a lot better than a Tonight Show.

For sure. Old bitches. Yeah, yeah. It's like old women, old married women in Minnesota telling me, when are you coming to Minnesota? Yes.

And then I go and they don't go. Yeah, they forgot. Yeah, they forgot who I was. But yeah, you got that internet thing. And there's like an anonymity to the internet, but yet it's personal, but yet anonymous. So that works. But I think I was having a conversation with Mark Norman about it because Mark was telling me how Seinfeld loves Bernie Mac because Seinfeld says Bernie Mac is who he is on everything. The outfit matches the voice. The voice matches the act.

And he was this loud thing And I'm like, I feel that about you You are 100% who you are Where like, the tracksuits match the act Of course, I appreciate that Yeah, yeah, yeah Everything like works Yeah, yeah, you got it And that is, before we even get to the advice portion That is hugely That's the best thing that's ever happened to me I'm just like, yeah, I'm just gonna be exactly who the fuck I am Who cares But it's so, I mean Do you think anyone could do that?

Look, here's the catch. You have a charm. There's a charm to you. Absolutely. There is a catch to it where it's like, yeah, I also have worked really hard...

Because what people think about that is like, just be a slob and let yourself go. Yeah, and it's like, it's not that. It's not that. It's like, you have to also, you have to care about putting the best version of you out there. You can't just, there's a version of me that wears a, it's not, it's like a shitty track suit that's stained with fucking Chinese food. Yeah. I haven't exercised in two weeks. Yeah, you can't be that. I feel like shit, you know, like, and I haven't worked on my, you know, I'm depressed because I've been fucked up too long. And it's like...

But there's also the version of you that's like, even if I'm not working out to actively lose a ton of weight, I feel better. My energy's up. I've been working on comedy. I'm sharper. I'm performing. I've talked to a lot of people, so I'm socially engaged. You've got to be the best version of you. It's not about just letting things out and letting things go. You're also innately a good ton.

Sure, I'm a... You're fun. I'm fun. You're one of those people that, like, I imagine, like, in high school, like, when you walked into the classroom, it was like, all right, we're about to have fun. I did... There was a lot of, like... It's funny to look back on when I thought I was just, like, a kind of a fucking, like... I was like, I thought people liked me, and I was, like, a little bit of a nerd, even, because I was, you know, I was, like... I did take school seriously a little bit. And then it's like, oh, I guess I was, like...

Kind of like a Complete clown And bully Like I was like Fully Like everyone's Having a good time But it might be At somebody's expense Yeah I was that For a while too People Like I go back And I see people Like I grew up with I'm like What's up dude And they're like Um you tortured me In lunch class And I'm like Dude we were having A good time

And it's like, oh, I guess I can see that in hindsight. But also, I wasn't getting pussy in high school because it was like I was self-conscious. And I think like, and that's also I think how like why incels are negative. There's a negativity to that. It's like if you don't release, if there's not that pressure valve of release, you're

of, like, getting pussy, you turn mean. Yeah. And I think that's what it was. Yeah, you do get mean. Yeah, you get mean, yeah. Because I had the same, like... I was the same guy where I was, like, fun, and I was, like... But I turned it on. I was hurt, and I was, like, let's hurt somebody else. Yeah, sure. Well, hurt people hurt people, right? Exactly, because it's not... Because you can't feel better because you don't... Yeah, you feel like...

You have all this like depression and all this kind of shit when you're like, you know. I spoke about this on other things because like with incels, like because if you've seen the special, you understand that like I'm first of all, I feel like I'm making fun of like both sides. Like I'm making fun of women and I'm also making fun of men. And like I feel like in some of the parts, maybe not in the special, but in some of the clips that they shared, it seemed like I was like making fun of men. So like the incels, like not a lot. It was like maybe five incels.

out of thousands were like he's giving away this man clearly he's giving away all the man secrets he wants to be a woman and I'm like hilarious the man secrets this special you have to like get like to understand the comedy not to understand but like to relate to it at least I feel like you have to be able you have to sleep with women yeah

Very heteronormative. Yeah. It's also it's very loser negative. It's not loser positive. It is about people who have gotten pussy. But there is also vulnerability into it because it's like, yes, because you are talking about something I did want to talk about where it's like, yeah, it's like, damn, you can't.

And it's kind of like those guys that go to the DR to still get pussy. It's like, they've distilled what's disgusting about getting pussy. And it's like, the older you get, if you're still a guy who's just trying to get laid, because a part of the special is like, yeah, it's fun to fuck around and it's fun, but it's like, you get to a certain point and you're like, I kind of would like a real connection with someone. And there is a vulnerability there where it's like, at a certain point, getting pussy stops being cool.

Like it's not hard anymore. And it's a sign that's almost of immaturity. Yeah. But it's still a drug, right? Absolutely. So it's like, you know that doing crack isn't good and it's ruining your life. But those, yeah. But every time I knew this. Those 11 minutes that you're on crack, you're like. Right. So yeah, so it's 100% that. Yeah, I get that. Where it's like,

It's like not, not, I mean, I don't think I'm in, I don't, I'm not, I'm definitely not like a sex addict or anything like that. I'm definitely not because you know, I'm cool without it for like a long period of time. But I'm saying like, you feel like, all right, I don't need this. But when it's offered, you still have that temptation. And I don't know for you, especially if like you're a fucking performer too. It's like,

there is something to the like getting attention or getting like positive reinforcement outside for... You know what I mean? Of course. It's like just somebody wanting to fuck you, it makes you feel good. You're like, oh, really? You want to fuck me? I mean, that's... That's even more. Isn't that more than the sex? Than the actual busting. The prostitution, yeah. The prostitution. I'm like...

A big part of it for me is that you want to sleep with me. Right, right, right, right, right. If you don't want to, like, we don't have to do this. You can go home. In fact, it feels really bad if you don't want to. Right, it feels extremely bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I just catch a vibe that, like, I can't imagine just fucking somebody who's been trafficked.

Like, it's just like a girl who's just like nervous because she has to work in the morning. And she wants like, she's like, she's having a good time, but she's like, I got to be up at 6 a.m. And that's on the back of her mind. That can ruin it for me. Let alone like my family is being held at gunpoint and I have to, I have to make, I have to make this pimp $7,000 before I'll be released like that. And the guy's like, woo.

fucking me and my accountant buddies are at the DR. Yeah, me, I mean, I guess we're similar in that way. Like me and those guys, those type of guys that can live that way. We have, we don't have anything in common when it comes to that. Absolutely. But I think it comes from like,

It's also like from a place of like, if you don't struggle to meet people, then you tend to be more relaxed about it, right? And you tend to want situations to be cool. Yeah. I mean, if I struggled to meet, I might be at the DR. Of course, you never know. You never know. So that's interesting though, because you said you were also kind of in that like taking it out on people in high school, not getting any pussy. Yeah. I mean, I was never, even when I was, like I just wasn't having, I was like a small dude. Right, right, right. I was like five.

One freshman year Freshman year of You grew up in Queens? Yeah Freshman year of high school But you know By the time I graduated I was like You know I grew a little tall Five two and a half Yeah Five three Five nine

Now I'm like 5'6", 5'7", but then I was also skinny. I was just a small dude. It's one thing, you could be 5'3", and big, and you're a big guy, but I was just a small dude. 5'3", and big is tough to your brother. But at least you're a presence. In a lot of ways, people look at you almost like...

Like a little kid. A little kid. Especially in high school. Especially in high school. It's such a spectrum. Right, right. If you're a skinny 5'1", it's like... And there's a guy who's bench pressing. Well, that's the thing. The linebacker. My high school was like a basketball powerhouse school. Hilarious. Some of the big... What school? Christ the King. Christ the King.

Oh, holy shit. Yeah, yeah, damn. When I was there, we won a state championship. We were ranked. Hilarious. Who was there? Do you remember any players? Yeah, for sure. My year was Irvin Walker, Ryan Peterson. Fuck yeah, dude. Malik Booth. Irvin went on to play for Florida. Ryan went on to play for George Mason. So D1, we're talking...

We're talking NBA. I mean, Kemba Walker played for Rice. He played for Rice, so he was like our biggest competitor. So he was like NBA player. Of course. I think Sylvan went on to play for Greece. Isn't Mello's son? Mello's son goes there now. So yeah, they're ranked this year. So I say all that to say... So you're 5'1", and there's kids that are playing in the NCAA, just like a 6'8 power forward at that same school. Yeah, with ESPN. Tina Charles was there when I was there. She won Gatorade Player of the Year. Oh, he's here.

And you're shopping at Gap for kids. You're trying to get pussy with a little dinosaur on your shirt. Right, right. She was like, she's like one of the best basketball players ever. She was there when I was there. Like, there's being cameras following her around. LeVar Odom was coming by with Khloe Kardashian. Seriously, you would see them in the hallway. And I'm 5'1", like, hey, what's up, guys? You want to hear something funny that happened to me? Yeah.

But then I got a girlfriend. I got a girlfriend senior year. And like, I grew, I grew like kind of into, I was growing, I kind of grew into my body and I got a girlfriend and I was just with her. And you're also a charming guy. You figured it out. Yeah. So, so I say that to like, I was never miserable because I was always like, I was fairly well liked. Yeah. People liked me and I did date. Like I had girlfriends. I just wasn't like sexually active. But like I had girls and like we would,

I would date and girls like me and I liked girls. You go see, you go see little movies and shit. Yeah, little movies and shit like that. Split appetizer at Chili's. For sure, there was literally a Chili's that everyone hung out with a couple blocks away. So we would do that but it wasn't until college where like, and I went away like to dorm. Where'd you go? I went to Sunyo Westbury's right in Long Island. Okay.

But that was when I was like, all right, like girls. That's funny. I did a similar thing where it's like, I mean, you went further away, but Queens to Long Island is not that far. It was 40 minutes. Dude, I went to school 20 minutes away because. And dorm? And dorm because I got a scholarship. Oh, okay. And it was the only, it was the only school. Thanks Biden. He,

Yeah. Shout out to Joe. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. No, but yeah, that's like the thing. So I say like I wasn't never like I used to make fun of people because I used to think like we were all in on it. Like I used to be like, oh, it's fun. I had no perspective of like, no, you're hurting people's feelings. Right, right, right, right. What up, you fat, bald bachelor? I'm sorry. Why'd you pick those two? No, no, no.

That's interesting. There were some high school kids that were fat and bald, huh? Clearly that must be what you're referring to right now. I would have picked maybe something with braces or maybe acne, but I don't know. For some reason that just kind of came to your head, huh? Eldest, what the fuck are you laughing about over there?

No, but I'm sure you did the same thing. Of course, of course. People make fun of you. You make fun of me like you little bastard. Why are you being mean? You just walked into the cafeteria being mean. Of course, of course, of course. But now, I don't even find humor in that. I don't even... Because you see it. You see what it's doing to the other person. Right. And you have enough perspective. I don't like rough battles. I like to watch them. I think they're fun. But I don't like being a part of them. Of course. Especially, they'll get two friends. They'll be like, oh, you and Stardews are friends. You should battle each other. I'm like, I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings. Well, to me, it's like...

I think at least the friend thing, if you have that kind of relationship... It's better. It's fun, because it's like... It is fun to just... It is better, yeah. Because you ultimately know there is no... Yeah. It's kind of a game to say the most fucked up thing to somebody you truly care about. Yeah. But I also don't want to say fucked up shit to you. And I get that. But roast battle has gotten out of control. Or it's like, these people are strangers. Yeah.

And they're like, oh. Talking about your dead parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your brother got molested and your mom's in hell crying about it. And it's like, we've never met. Right. It's like, why are you saying this to me? Dude, it's gotten to the point where it's just so, I'm like, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I mean, coming from like, I'm like Hispanic, but black, you know, like they don't roast like that. No, no, no. Like they'll make fun of your shoes, but you don't bring up a child molestation. Right, right, right.

You don't bring up a molestation at the lunch table. Of course, of course, of course. Yeah, absolutely. You couldn't do that. You would disrupt too much of the Dominican Republic's economy if you brought up molestation.

Fuck, dude. Yeah, that is so fucking funny. So, yeah, and then you were... So, okay, Long Island, that's fun. And then you're... But that is also another thing of like whatever you're... You just became... You came into yourself a little bit and you were like just charming and you've learned how to talk to people. And that's a good route too. If you're like a... If you're someone who lacks a little confidence and you're like, you know, you have a little... You know, you were a short kid, scrawny, whatever. It's like, yeah, find somebody...

make, because that seemed to be your thing, get a relationship going, actually talk to the person, be nice to like a girl, and like figure it out from there. And that's a really good... My high school girl, like she was beautiful too. She was like a pretty girl. She was a pretty girl who like dressed nice and everyone thought it was cool. So when I, like when me and her got together, like people loved it because people loved me and they loved her. They were rooting for you. They're the mascot. But that is a good, that's a good, I feel like that's probably going to come up in our...

in our questions. But, so that's it. So are you, and I want to go back to the idea in the special about like the vulnerability and being done with dating and all that stuff. It's like, do you really feel that way about wanting to like,

stop dating and actually get into a relationship? Is that where you're at in your life? I mean, again, I'm embellishing like to, I'm embellishing to be funny. No, no, but that's, I get it, but I just mean like, is that, because I got to be honest, for me, I am sort of starting to feel that a little bit. I am, but I mean, you can attest to this. You work so hard to get to a point, to get the train moving. Yeah. Once that train takes off, it starts moving so fast, career wise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you almost be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Totally. I have to step back. So, like, my last few relationships or people that we, you know, my last few relationships, it's like, it comes to a point where I'm just like, I like her and she likes me, but I'm like, I have no time. No, I feel that. Like, I don't have time. But see, I also think that, because this is what happened to me earlier this year. Yeah. Because I said that to myself. And I was like, I don't have time. And so, I didn't even consider...

trying to be in a serious relationship. And then, you know, I would see, you see people casually, you let them know I don't have time and then,

One person and most of the time those girls are like hey like this isn't working you're like thank you very much really appreciate everything you've done around here, you know, like we Appreciate what she's done last four months. You really made the you know, you really made this a nice time and then but then somebody breaks up with you or like gets a boyfriend or whatever and You just can't you're like, oh wait, I liked her. Yeah, and now I'm just sad Yeah, you know and it's like and then you're like so that's I'm coming that's realization where it's like I

And I'm talking about this shit in therapy too, all this kind of shit where it's like, at a certain point, it just is your life. Yeah. And there is no when this slows down because it might never slow down. It might never slow down, yeah. It might be like, it's like that's an excuse you're saying and it's like you have to figure out how to do it within this. Yeah. I'm thinking about that thing with my health too where I'm like, I was like, dude, I just need to get my, I'm going to get off the road and like really hit my health hard. And I did that last week.

I got off the road. I took like eight weeks and it was really good for me. But then it's like, I've been on the road fucking four months after that. And it's like, I'm healthier than I would have been if I hadn't done that. But that's not enough. I have to think about how to do it while I'm on the road. You know? And it's like, I feel like... So that's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. The same thing with relationships where it's like,

There's never gonna be... That's where I'm at. But it's not me. It's not like I don't want to work on it. I just start, like, I start feeling so guilty for the girl. Right, right, right. Because they come in so, like, bright-eyed and there for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then once they see what it really is, like... Of course. You can tell they're, like, their thing being broken down of, like...

You're like, sorry, I'm in fucking Kenosha. Right. I can't come to your sister's graduation. Right, exactly. We added a Sunday in Kenosha. Yeah, I can't come to your graduation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had it this Sunday. You'll get another Masters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to do it. I sold bad. I sold bad. No one picked up. I think I got a tag. Yeah, I had to check. I had to check merch. No one bought it. I had to check. I actually lost $40 checking my merch back. But, hey, tell your sister I'm happy the baby's healthy. You know, like that. I heard the baptism went well. I'll send her a shout-out on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll wave the cameo feed. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that shit sucks. But no, it's the thing. So I'm at that point where I'm like... I got you. I try and I want to be, but like, you reach a point where you just start feeling so selfish. And I hate to feel that way. So like, when I start feeling that, I kind of be like, hey, this is like, this is not working for you. Yeah, of course. Like, it's working for me. Yeah, this is cool for me. Yeah, this is not working for you. Interesting. Have you had any ones where you're like...

I wish I could have gotten that one back. I wish I could have made it work. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I had a girlfriend where I was like, you know, like everything was right except my career. Yeah. Would you though, but knowing now with this perspective that you have now, would you have been like...

Could we have figured it out? Are you just saying... Well, I think because of what... Like, my lifestyle ruined what it could have been. Gotcha, gotcha. I see, I see. So it's not because... And by my lifestyle, I mean, like, my unavailability.

I see. So she ended up changing. I see, I see. And you also gave it a try within the parameters of your career, but the career was just too much. Because for me, the problem is I almost use that as an excuse not to get close enough to someone. I do too, yeah. And then I'm like, well, I could have seen her a little more.

I could have been a little more. But then it's like, you need just like, dude, like you said, you're on the road. Like you come back and it's like, sure, you can do a date night if you, if you really want to. You can. But it's like, I, but I also would like a night off. Like, sure. Just rest. Like, I kind of want to be with my thoughts by myself. You didn't like it that much. That's not, but that's what they said. It's like, no, I do. I do like, I enjoy being there, but it's like, I need the time to myself. Yeah. Yeah.

And I need time to write And you need time I mean you're doing Producing Yeah yeah yeah No it's a lot It is a lot of shit And it's also like But I understand Yeah yeah There is something Where I'm just like God

At the end of the day, all of that is a little bullshit, though. Is it? It is a little bit. Because if it is the kind of thing... What we were just talking about, this is just how life's going to be, and we got to figure it out. And maybe that's a little bit of finding somebody that's more compatible. Maybe that's the problem. Well, that's the thing. I feel like you get to a point in your career, you get enough freedom where things get easier. So it's like...

Sure, you might always get busy, but if you're at the point in your career where you can fly your lady out with you and go into this thing and you can take a month off. You're only going to good cities. Yeah, and you're not doing Kenosha. Sorry to Kenosha, but it sucks. You can take it to Hawaii. Then it's like, all right. I got you. Yeah.

No, I get that, dude. And also, I mean, like, it would be nice to, like, come off the road and be married, have somebody, like, a family to come home to. I literally have reinvented, like, I was coming home off the road, and I'd been on the road so many times, and you come home to an apartment that's, like,

there's no food in the house. It's a little messy because you were packing last minute. And I was like, hey, it'd be kind of nice if, I was like, damn, it'd be nice if I got back and maybe somebody was like, and there was food ready and the apartment was clean. Yeah, yeah. And I realized, and I was like, and you know what? I'm making enough money now. Yeah. They wouldn't even have to pay rent. Yeah. And I was like, and you know what? It'd be kind of cool if it was like a girl I was dating because we could just, it would be great. Like, I was like, well, I got some girls in DR for you. Yeah.

It's funny you say that because you have $75 you can spend because...

Well, that's what I realized. I reinvented my wife. I was like, what I want is a wife. You made it amazing. It was something different. Exactly. I just like, each step of the way, I was like, because at first I was like, maybe I could have a friend, my roommate. And then I was like, a roommate? It should be a girl that I like. And then I was like, 100%, we're just describing a 50s housewife. A family? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. I should go to the art, but for marriage, not for sex tourism. Let me put that out there very clear right now, everyone.

That would be a nice foreign wife. That's not a bad... Yeah. That's not a bad look. Maybe... You ever think about going back? Getting yourself a little straight from the DR? I had a girlfriend. Oh, you did? Yeah. I thought about just going to Greece and being like, just let me get a fucking straight from the motherland girl. That'd be nice, right? You don't have to worry about rights. Yeah. Human rights. You're still out the fucking...

In Greece, you still had the fucking... Eldest, you never had an Albanian girlfriend, did you? No, I haven't. Never. I always wanted to stay away from it. I was like... Makes sense. I just feel like I have this Albanian family at home. Yeah. It feels like a lot. It just always felt a little disconnected or something. Of course. We didn't get into any... While we were talking about the DR in Greece, we didn't get into your trips to Albania, Eldest. I know you were fucking... Oh, God.

I know you were sharing a room with a goat at some point in your fucking career. No, I just... I remember when we went to Albania in the 60s, like, you couldn't even shit on the toilet. Like, it was just holes in the ground. In the 90s, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the 60s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like...

It was like in the 90s. I mean, yeah, just dirt roads everywhere. Like you're sleeping with your... I mean, back then we were young, but even when I went like last few years, like my cousins are fucking grown men and they're still sleeping in that childhood bedroom. Yeah, dude. Two in a bedroom. Yeah, you're sharing one of the beds with one of them. Yeah.

Guess what? If it's summer, you're fucked. You just got that ceiling fan. There's no AC. Sounds horrible. I remember in Albania when we went in like 96, I was seven years old. I saw my fucking uncle like,

Cut a chicken's head off in the backyard for dinner and I like didn't eat any meat that whole trip And I remember like me and the fucking Like neighborhood fucking kids like would go out back and they would be like spitting on the chicken heads and throwing them at the At the build like at the wall. Yeah I saw them. I went to the market like the street market. I saw him kill a chicken with the hands

and wing it. Like, you wing the chicken's neck. Oh my God. And that's how you kill it. Yeah, I remember going on vacation in this little fucking hick Greek village. Like, it was a little village and then you would go down the road and it was just like a nice little, you know, beach. And it was kind of like a lower middle class vacation town and that's the nice thing about Greece. Like, even the shitty ones are better. The shittiest Greek beach I've ever been to is like,

better than like Malibu like the best you know and so and it's like this little little class town and I remember these kids like we would play soccer and the most exciting thing that ever happened was like these two dogs got caught fucking and they were and every kid in the fucking village like ah they were like throwing rocks at the dogs and they were just chasing them these dogs fucking and moving and like kids and I remember I showed these kids a dollar and they were like oh

Meanwhile, like a euro was more money at the time. Yeah, I traded them like $1 for five euros. It was fucking great. But why don't we take some of this immigrant expertise, some of this fucking little guy who still managed to get pussy expertise and show it to our fucking and get it with our callers here? Because I got a call. That's a perfect segue. I love it. I love it. Let's hear it. You motherfucker.

Oh, this kid is broken up.

Wow. He's been seeing this poor kid.

I'm sorry, play it again, Ellis. I was laughing too much at that statement. Yeah, there's a really important part at the end there. I don't know. Now I'm questioning it because I feel like this is the only woman that's ever loved me. And she's got big old titties. So...

Okay, now you're talking some sense, finally. Yeah, now he's speaking our language. You might find, you'll find other women who love you. With the titties. If she does have big ass titties. I know, that's rare, honestly. No joke, there are more women have loved me than, no, that's not, the more, not every woman who's loved me has had big ass titties, I'll put it that way. No, no. But a couple have. A couple have, yeah. Those were beautiful times. You can count them.

accountant yeah so I understand what he means we see where you're coming from buddy you don't know when that next one's coming yeah although you know they might have had a big old ass and that was pretty nice too that's nice too the first girl that I loved that didn't have big titties had a huge ass and I was like I was always just straight titties at that point in my life and I was like no these are actually all big ass is cool too big ass is cool too so okay buddy well look we got good news for you um

We're missing... You're clearly... He's 15. Not a good storyteller. You've left so much detail. Why did you break up? What happened here? He said, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. So we don't even know who broke up with who. It says he doesn't want to be with her, I think, though. It seems like... But is it because she did something fucked up to him? Because I remember that. I remember I had a girlfriend who I made out with her a couple times. I touched her tits a couple times when I was 15. And...

I remember she called me. She called me one time. She was like crying. She was like, I accidentally got fingered last night. It's like, oh, really? It was a real big accident, huh? It was like, the fuck are we talking about? I remember there was this couple. There was this couple in high school that dated that. They're my friends. I love them. And like they used to have a lot of like every week somebody would cheat on the other one and they would break up and fight. And now they're like married with like a beautiful family.

So, listen, man, just take her back. Even if she got fingered the night before, just take her back. You never know. You're only 15. People get older and mature. I will say this. He is only 15. And...

We were just talking about how we didn't get any pussy in high school. Yeah, he's getting big titty love. You're getting big titty love, pussy. You're not as charming or entertaining as us. It's not even close. I can hear it in your voice. It's not even close. So honestly, if nothing bad happened and you have these strong emotions towards her, you're young.

If you're even on the fence and she wants to be with you. And her titties are big. And her titties are big. And there's nothing toxic. There's nothing bad. You know? Get in there. Fuck it. Who cares? Yeah, what do you have to lose? Give it another try. This very well. Here's the thing you don't want to know. This could be the hottest woman you fuck in your whole life. At 15. You want to be that guy? I was talking to some. Then you'll be leaving comments under my special. Yeah.

About how much you hate it You don't want to be that guy I was talking to a guy I was doing crowd work I was in Toronto And I did crowd work with this guy And he told me that The first girl His high school girlfriend Was like this girl Who was like Um Really she was like a She was like a Like a science prodigy Uh huh

who like now is like some kind of but like you know you ever you remember there's a subset of girl that was like good at everything yeah in elementary school and junior high school exactly and they were like not only smart as shit but they were like

They would like party. They were free. Athletic. They were freaks. And he was like, yeah, she was a freak. They're all pregnant now. Six kids and divorced. Either that or they're like at the top of industry. You know what I mean? They are just like, they have it all. Certain people do that. Some people have that. And if you catch them in high school where they don't know how valuable they are.

Yeah, some of some guys get lucky and get to date them in high school like that picture that guy who went to prom with Beyonce Yeah, and it's like that motherfucker had no idea what it was good I'd argue that I'd argue that that's the time for them to mainly attack because women the more successful they get yeah out like success there exactly like right right who gets smaller for them absolutely absolutely so I so that guy he did and then the second girl he did after that was a fucking Raptors cheerleader and he dated them back-to-back and

And it's like, it'll never get better for that guy. And it's possible, my friend, that it never gets better for you. Yes. Now, we don't know that. You didn't give us enough backstory, but get in there. Yeah, go ahead, man. You clearly feel something. She has big ass titties. That's like a big point for me. It's a big point for me as well, my friend. That's the kind of show this is. Yeah. But, and look, call back if you want. Give us, if we're missing some context, please, you know. Call in. Call in. Fill in, but...

It feels like you want to, and you're just asking us for our blessing. You have mine. You have mine as well. Eldest? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay, great. You can't leave the titties on the table. Three guys that haven't even seen a picture of this girl. And we won't. We don't have to get into any more specifics. Right, yeah. We are not attracted to her. Let's get that in there. I'm saying for you. For you. Okay, let's make that for, you know.

Just we are not that is not we are not into her at all. We're into the concept of big titties on women our age. Our age. And I'm just imagining if I was your age. Exactly. When I was 15, if a girl I mean, if any girl was nice, you know, you know, anyway, we we we we've covered it. Yeah. You're in there, buddy. Let us know how it goes. Let us know if we're missing something. I'll just go ahead and play us another another call, my friend.

You want to know something crazy? I've never... Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, go ahead. I've never hooked up with a girl under 18. Even when I was under 18. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always been legal. Of course. It's always been legal. You'll never get caught. Like, one of the saddest things that ever happens is like, somebody will be...

will have a picture they took of their own dick when they were like 15 to sex when they were in high school you can get arrested for like child pornography oh you can if you send that I've at least seen that on the internet who knows yeah you keep pictures of your 5'1 penis I can't even imagine how little your shit was in 9th grade

You showed the women as a before. You think this is small, bitch. Look what it looked like in ninth grade. Not only that, I got circumcised sophomore year. What? Sophomore year, bro.

What the fuck? We're a strong, uncircumcised podcast here. Our immigrant brother, dude. You stabbed us both in the heart right now. What happened? Why? I'll be honest with you. I just didn't like how it looked. Wow! It was a cosmetic circumcision in ninth grade? Yeah, I didn't like how it looked. Oh my God! Because I played on a basketball team. Ha ha ha ha ha!

And then, you know, you're high school boys. Like, you got to shower together. And then you start to see how others look. And I'm like, mine don't look like that. Wow. So I did it. And then I started a movement of, like, immigrants getting circumcised. Then, no lie. Dude, you got to leave. Like, 15 years.

What? Like 15 came after me. Oh my God. I normalized it. You're breaking our hearts right now, dude. I'm sorry, man. I've said too much. We're an uncut podcast here at Stavi's World. Proudly uncut. Proudly uncut. They tried to circumcise me and I said no. You ran out the door. I was like, how dare you, sir?

Ian, was the recovery brutal? No, it's not bad. It's honestly 10 days. Really? Stop with this propaganda. Don't listen to him. If you're not circumcised, it's horrible. Your penis is mutilated. Don't listen to this man. We'll send a guy in a van to your house. Don't tell me you're thinking about it. I'm going to start crying. I can't. I felt...

I felt like so backstabbed when I found out my dad wasn't circumcised. Wow. Or was circumcised? No, no, no. He got circumcised. I always assumed he wasn't. Dude, it's a good move. He got fucking circumcised. I mean, the crazy thing is he got circumcised in, like, communist Albania when he was, like, 14 years old, he told me. You can't even know someone for that. You gotta know government officials for that. He's standing in the circumcision line. He's standing.

You gotta know like a high ranking government official. They're like bread or circumcision this month. I'll take the clipping.

That was really crazy to me. Oh, my God. That's wild. You never saw your father's penis? You never know? You never saw it? I feel like I saw. I must have seen it when I was a kid or something at some point. But it didn't register. Yeah. I just didn't realize it. That's why your bond was never that strong. Yeah, exactly. I was like, this explains a lot why there's just not that unspoken bond between me and my dad.

What were you saying? I'm saying, nah, it's great. Like, consider it. Dude, shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. Don't listen to this, man. He's trying to fucking... He's trying to... Propaganda? Yeah, he's trying to... Big circumcision? Big circumcision, dude. Big circumcision. Yeah, yeah. Dude, what's so funny is this is how fucking Greek people... I mean, for, you know...

Eastern Europe, they're not exactly progressive when it comes to that. They're there. I'd say they've got some Kanye West style views. Sure. You know, they've got some Kyrie Irving Amazon documentary style views. And when I so I went to the urologist for a different problem and the guy like I was pissing when I was like, you know, 20 or whatever, I was pissing too much.

and he was like, and they fixed that, whatever. But the guy was also like, hey, your foreskin's a little tight. I have tight foreskin. Okay, that makes sense. You should consider getting circumcised

And I kind of, at the time, I wasn't as staunch in my anti-stance as I am now. Well, now you got the merch, so you can't. Of course, no, I can't. You got the circumcised. Of course, of course. The anti-circumcised merch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got scarves that look like a foreskin. They're the next version. They come up to here. I've got 4,000 of those I got to move before I change any of my fucking views.

But And I told my dad I was like I was like Yeah dad Yeah I was like I was just telling my family And he was like My father Who has never asked Any follow up questions About a doctor In his life He was like

Is this Dr. Jewish? My dad thought that Jewish people had an interest in circumcising everyone. It's like, what do they gain from that? What is this, man? You get circumcised, now you're Jewish. Yeah, exactly. In what world does that benefit Jewish people if my dick is clipped? It just shows you how he fucking views the world. Anyway, folks, don't get circumcised. Stay natural.

don't let don't let america don't let america take what's beautiful about your culture and your penis this man is an assimilator unlike me and eldest we stay strong to our roots all right play the next one ld hey stav my name is mark um i had a quick question that i was hoping to get some advice on um so i've been wanting to plan like a

Boys trip for me and the boys to go to a little tropical location, you know And it's been tried to get set up multiple times a couple times here and kind of keeps getting stuck at a certain point with one of my friends girlfriends and I was kind of wondering what I should do about that obviously, it's not my place to get into their relationship and all that but

It's kind of a little bit annoying that it keeps coming up like this. So, yeah. Okay. Let me know. Interesting. So you are trying to get a boy's trip going and your friend's girlfriend is

is basically putting the brakes on it from his perspective. I would like how old, I think the age matters. Age does matter. On this. It's true, because if they have children, you know what I mean? Yeah, if this is 40-year-old men, and my girlfriend is getting into a fight. Right, right, right. But this guy, if I had to guess, he's kind of in that in-between zone.

where it's like right out of college. I think he's actually in his early 20s. Exactly. Right out of college, not quite adulthood. Yeah. His friend might be a little further down adulthood. Yeah. And he might have a serious girlfriend or he could be the same age and she's a dumb bitch or she also knows maybe his friend is a piece of shit. Maybe she knows her boyfriend wants to go have a DR style tropical vacation and she's afraid. You know what I mean? Listen, five men go on vacation. Yeah.

To a tropical destination. Yeah, you're right. Something not chill is happening. Something not... I don't know what it is. I'm not saying they're cheating. Something that... Something weird is going to happen. Something that's not conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course. He's going to get fucked. He's going to do some kind of drug. Something. He's going to watch his friend get sucked off, which will alter their relationship in some way. He'll be like his friend. Yeah, he might come out like...

Straight but liking to watch men fuck. Yeah, right. Like something weird, some kind of weird sexuality we don't even know about yet. But why can't he just go without the guy? If you got a girl, you stay back. Now, see, that... Okay, that is the natural answer to this. But at the same time... He wants his boy there. He's losing...

He would be losing to this girlfriend. Yeah, if that's the case you're gonna lose to the girl though That's just I mean that's a good ultimate cuz in life Ultimately you are gonna that is something that I have learned the hard way your best friends You will lose them to their the best you can hope for is that they date someone you like that and she likes you and she likes you exactly and that it works out and that's happened and that's nice and

This is the best case scenario because I have this. Okay. My friend's girlfriends think I'm the good influence. That's really good. That's the best case scenario. That is not the case for me. Why can't you be more like Ian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't you hang out more with Ian? Right. That's beautiful. That's the dream. No one thinks that about me. No.

There's never been a girlfriend. You think it's the thong photos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was bad before I actually... Like, it was bad before I could... I could conceive... Because I love your bit about how it's like guys... You don't want to get a relationship from a young guy if he's single because it's like... Yeah, right. Like...

Like, what I want is to hang out with my boys. Right. I want them to be single so that we can hang out. Yeah. I think there's a little bit of that. I just, like... And it's, like, if I'm... Even if it's not, like... Even if they're not afraid that they'll cheat or that we're gonna have something crazy, it's, like, I am a bad influence in that. We'll get really fucked up. We'll eat like shit. Yeah. We'll just have a good-ass time. Yeah, even if we're just hanging here watching a game, like, they won't answer your text. Exactly. We'll be mad at them. Because we're just having a good time. Yes. But...

You're right. At the end of the day, that actually is a very good lesson that you're losing to the girlfriend, man. There's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing you can do about it, man. Just get used to it, I'll be honest. You know what? You're so right. Because I'm still...

I have learned that lesson but for him I'm trying to I'm trying to live vicariously through him I want him to win yeah the answer is you're not gonna win you're so right you have to this one will be another one you're so right yeah you exactly cause ultimately what we want what you really do want is to and what you should want for your friend is to find a partner who

That does trump you. Yeah. If someone's dating somebody and they care about what you think more than what their partner thinks, that's a bad relationship. I don't want a wife who I listen to eldest more than my wife. No. No, that's fucking brutal. So it's like, you're right. It's a good lesson to learn. Even if the girl... Now, it is possible, though, that this is a bad relationship.

That's different. If you think the girl is no good for him. But truly no good for him. Not because she's fucking up your tropical vacation. Right, right, right. But even then, it's like I found it doesn't matter. You'll still lose. But you have a fight there. You at least have the right to say something. You have a fight, yeah. You have a fight. I found that no one listens to me because I'm too honest too quickly.

Like, I'll just say, what the fuck are you doing here? You know what I mean? I'm too honest, too. No one listens to me because they don't want to hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't want to hear what I'm saying. Yeah. So if you really do want to affect things, you have to be diplomatic about it. You have to figure it out. But honestly, brother, what Ian said is so right. You're losing the girlfriend every time. And if you want to expand it to a friends and girlfriends trip, but you probably don't want to do that. You just want to hang out with your fellas. Now, if we want to be realistic...

Maybe the issue is, all right, maybe you guys aren't getting on a flight together. But what about a road trip to like a fucking beach somewhere? Like, you know what I mean? Like that might be an easier pill to swallow. Like you go to the Jersey Shore, you go to like the Outer Banks or you just like a boys trip somewhere else. Or even within the continental United States, it's probably a little easier for a non-approving girlfriend to like wrap her head around it. But...

Ultimately, brother. It's the guy's decision. There's nothing you can do about it, Mark. There's nothing you can do about it. You're right. Yeah, Mark. He's doing the right thing because he's like, I know it's my place. It's not my place to get involved. He's like, that's the girl. That's the person who he has sex with. So it's a losing battle. As cool as you are. You know what? That really says it all. It's a brawl.

That really says it all, Mark. Until you start sucking your boy off, she's got the trump card. Especially if the pussy's good, and you can tell. Yeah, because he's not going on vacation. That tells you your answer. Very, very, so true. All right, Eldis, hit us with another one, baby. Do you guys vet these, or you just... Eldis goes to them, and we have a producer, our pre-producer, Ralph. She produces them sometimes.

Yeah, let's hear from her.

So my name's Marissa. I'm calling with a question that actually doesn't pertain to sucking and frocking. Great. We appreciate that. Play it from the start. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm calling with a question that actually doesn't pertain to sucking and frocking. Just to mix it up, you know, keep it fresh.

So my fiance and I are looking for... Next! No, no, play it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Obviously, it's like crazy. Mix it up, you know, keep it fresh. So my fiance and I are looking to buy a house right now. Obviously, it's like crazy expensive and pretty much out of reach. We're struggling to find something we can afford. And he suggested maybe getting duplex, like a multi-unit house so we could live in one side and rent out the other to help pay for the mortgage.

I'm just really uncomfortable being a landlord. Um, and I worry that we'll be in the position to have to like kick somebody out or whatever. And I just can't do shit like that to people. So we've been talking about it and I said like, I'd consider doing it if we'll accept section eight. Um,

But I just worry still. So my question is, like, is there an ethical way to be a landlord? I mean, people need places to live. And better me owning the house than some, like, private equity company, right? I don't know. Help me. Her ultimate question? Her ultimate question, you may have not heard it, but she said, is it unethical to be a landlord? Interesting. No.

Yeah, I mean... You're a landlord, huh? I'm not a landlord. I mean, my brother lives in the house. I fucking pay for it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't... He does it... Since the pandemic, I stopped charging him rent and I just... This girl, she has a good heart. This is what it is. She does. Do-gooder, good spirit. And I see... Listen, I see where she's coming from. There is something, like, fucked... I get it. Like, feeling that it is fucked up to, like... Someone just needs a place to live and...

You're charging them you're paying off your mortgage and making money off of them and it's like it's so hard to own a house in America that like we're forced to Lend and they've made it so that you have to have a crazy amount of money to even buy a house where most people their rent is

Is enough is more than a mortgage, right? Yeah, and it's just because they don't have the money up front Yeah to get it and it is there is something unethical about our system in that way where it's like Especially now where housing prices are fucking through the roof and like private equity firms are buying them up We're like foreign money is just stashing their money in so I get it's unethical because I rent because I want to rent like yeah I can buy I can put you know, if I wanted to I can

purchase an inexpensive home somewhere, but I don't want the, everything that comes with that. Yeah. I want to rent. I want to have somebody. That flexibility. Yeah. That if there's a problem in my, they'll fix it. Like I, I, like I live in a condo. I rent, I don't have to take care of anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I enjoy that. And, and, and that's true. And I've thought about this too, because I kind of thought about what if I buy a place and, um,

I kind of wanted to get multiple apartments. And I was like, well, same thing. Would I be a landlord? Because one day I thought about it like, I'd like my family to move in. Kind of honestly, like, you know, fucking immigrant style. Where it's like, it would be nice if my brother... Because I have one brother, him and his wife, maybe they might move to New York someday. It would be nice. Or I have, you know, my best friends who are like, fucking, what if Eldest moves in? What if my friend that, you know...

She used to live here. She's in Baltimore. She might come back someday. And so I guess two things about the unethical. I see what you're saying about the unethical thing. Also think about it in terms of do you just want to do it? Because it sucks. It is like there's risk involved. And also, yeah, you don't want to take care of everything. You don't want to like kick somebody out if they fucking if they don't pay their rent. Like there's a lot being a landlord. There's a lot of downsides to it. And it'll make you feel fucking shitty.

And then if it goes well, you're like, damn, I'm kind of like... But she wants to buy a house but can't afford to. Right. So she has to. It's not like... So I say the way to maybe thread the needle a little bit is something that I considered. If I were to buy a place and it had multiple units, I literally would go to people that I knew and I would be like, I would say like, hey, Eldest. You know, that doesn't make for a good landlord.

I'm not trying to make money, though. That's what I'm saying. I know, that's the thing. You're going to take a loss. Well, not a loss, though. What if you... Because people are going to be, you know, they're your friends. So it's like, oh, bro, I couldn't come up with the rent this year. I'm just telling you the way I could do it personally. Yeah, because you're rich. And what I thought... No, even before I was rich. I'm like, my plumbing's still broken. We got too high with my landlord last night. He's always gotten around to fixing that for me. But I guess I kind of think of it more as like instead of landlord and almost like...

Trying to get like communal living going where it's like because that's the thing about New York It's like it'd be nice if everyone in the building had a bond and you treated this like your home together Yeah, and it's like you look at it as like well like okay. Can you? Can you cover?

Like I would charge like not I wouldn't be making money off it. I would just charge like that prorated part of the mortgage to be like, you take that part off my plate. You live there. And then I pay for like the more, you know, I pay for like my shit. Yeah. I mean, there's a word for that is socialism. But you're trying to bring that to America and that's fine. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you're like, that's like a do-gooder. That's like a Bill Gates, like, I'm just trying to help. Sure. You know, like, have all the money in the world, wants to help. Of course. In her situation, I mean, like, you could, but what you're saying is, like, just be a cool landlord. Yeah, I guess. I guess that is. It's not unethical if you're a cool landlord. I agree. Ultimately, I think I do agree because it's also like a tough, like, a lot of immigrants have, like, you build a little, you know, you build, you get a little something. Yeah. Because it's like, what are the other options? It's like...

Stocks, like, it's like all that shit is like, you know, exploitive in some way. But yeah, it's like as long as you're, I guess if you have to do it, it's like, yeah. Be a cool landlord. Be a cool landlord and just like, but it does come with, it does seem fucking annoying too. It is annoying, but you get a house. True. Right, right. That's the trade-off versus paying. You're like a rich guy. Like, why would you want to deal with people? It's like, oh, so you want to buy a house. I guess that's true. All right, next question, LD.

Hey, Stob. I'm an insurance defense attorney in Alabama. I make about $80,000 a year, but before I became a lawyer about three or four years ago, I got into some payday installment loan debt. Oh, no. And I've gotten a DUI a couple years ago. Oh, fuck. But my firm supported me through it, and...

My brother died of a heroin overdose a couple years ago. And then my best friend's brother died of a heroin overdose about a week ago. And it's really fucking with me. Yes, of course. So to give context, I live in Montgomery, Alabama. And my family and friends, most of my friends live in Auburn, Alabama, which is about an hour away. I'm giving a lot of thought to moving back home.

with my parents for 90 days, no more, no less, and saving up some money and trying to get my drinking under control because they're total two-tailers that don't allow drinking in their house. But I also have enough money to continue living in Montgomery and maintaining my current lifestyle. It's just kind of making me sad. Oh, okay. I guess I wanted to ask,

you know is there a lot of shame and moving home and you're i'm 36 years old and uh i make more than my parents do combined but um i kind of need to go home not for kind of for financial reasons because i don't want to get into it but um there's more you don't want to get into uh i'd like your opinion on that if you if you've ever done that um

Yeah, I can definitely give my opinion on this, buddy. Let's bleep his last name out. I'm a big fan, but I...

I know you'll probably shit on me, but I kind of would like your advice on this. Of course. Maybe his whole name. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a lawyer from a small town. We got you. We got you, brother. First of all, I'd love to thank Eldridge for asking quite the two questions back to back are what is the moral and ethical? Yeah.

Limitations of... I thought Stav was a different guy. I didn't know this was... He's giving financial advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of being a landlord. And everyone I've ever met has killed themselves and I'm drunk as fuck. I thought it was all dick and titties with you. And I'm thinking about... Maybe spread them out, Eldish, next time, you motherfucker.

Anyway, okay, but yeah, you are, things are going real fucking bad right now, and I get that. And I, look, I get the stigma and the shame attached to moving back home, but you clearly have an aim here, right? And it's not like you are, you know, it's not like shit is going wrong.

The stigma usually is like, you know, loser with nothing going on moves back, you know, has to move back. That's not him, though. That's not what's going on with you. I think what's going on is that you clearly, some bad things have happened, right? And they're pushing you and they've made your, you know, you have a specific problem, it sounds like, that you really want to get under control in terms of your drinking. And if that's the case, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's actually very...

It's important and it's almost noble to understand that because if it's, it would be very easy. Like you said, you could maintain your lifestyle. It's fucking Alabama. If you have $42, you could fucking rent the penthouse of the fucking most expensive building in that town. So you work, you have a good job. You can maintain your lifestyle.

And you're going through some shit. And it would be easy to kind of really with, you know, it would be easy to just kind of let your demons take over and try and like get through all the sadness, you know, the bad way. But you have enough context and you have enough like you have enough wisdom at this point in your life to realize that's not going to get you anywhere. So I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as you are patient.

really serious about your goals and you take, you know, you take working on your drinking, it sounds like that's the biggest problem in your life. It'll affect as everything else happens that's making you sad. That'll just amplify it. And I know that to be the case for me, too, when my own problems with it's food and drugs for me and food first and foremost when I'm really fucking depressed. But then I'll get really fucked up, too.

And if I'm going through a tough time and I let those take over, that just makes everything worse. So I think you're right to recognize if I don't get this shit under control with all the shit I'm dealing with, shit could get really bad for me. The one thing I would say, though, is make sure it's the decision you want. Because you're saying it like they're total teetotalers. They don't allow any drinking in their house.

It's got to be that you really want to do it, right? Like if you just move home and you don't want to make a change, if you move home and you're not going there with like a game plan, that can be a little dangerous. You're kind of in no man's land potentially about getting stuck and maybe you stay there a little too long. And I wouldn't even put a 90-day thing on it. I would just say it has to truly come from you. You have some goals you really want to achieve.

When you are on your way, when you have got your drinking under control, you can move back. You can go continue, you know, your lifestyle, whatever. But there is no there is no shame in moving somewhere, moving back home to whether it's to save money for something. I definitely moved back home after college. I lived alone for a while, moved back home, saved up money to go to New York, moved

I couldn't have done that without moving back home. And we're all fucking... Everyone on this podcast isn't a fucking immigrant. You live with your family until you get married in all our cultures. And then you move upstairs. And then you move upstairs. Yeah, yeah. So don't feel any shame in that. And there's actually something really nice. You know, we've talked about how we're too close to our families sometimes. But something that is really fucking weird about American culture to me is this like...

Shame of living with your family. Yeah, we don't know we don't have that and and it's also it's sad because it's like you shouldn't even feel this you should be like I need support who gives me support my fucking family Yeah, and I think I think for where you are with all the shit you're dealing with It makes total sense and don't feel fucking bad about it and just work on your shit though, right? Like you don't want to get caught in that vortex, but it sounds like it sounds like shit is going you have a plan and

You're going through a tough time. And even if it's just like, fuck, I need to just not... I need a little extra support because a lot of bad shit has happened in my life. That's totally cool too. So let us know. Call back.

Give us a fucking update. Let me scroll up on this. When the fuck did he send this? We should fucking do this episode soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. This won't come out for... You sent this a month ago. It ain't coming out for another month. So hold on for us, buddy. Until this comes out. Hopefully everything's going good. But we're rooting for you. Hopefully... Call us even if you don't have an update. Just let us know everything's going all right. All right.

We're rooting for you, pal. Go over there. Enjoy. You know, move back home to Alabama. We'll send you $18 and that should hold you over. You get a six month lease with a furnished place. All right, baby. Hit us. Hit us, Eldis. Stop. I need your help.

I'm trying to better myself and I'm trying to figure out which day is the optimal day to be the biggest piece of shit. Okay. What I mean is, is let's say for example, I am a piece of shit just on a Saturday. Okay. This is a slippery, slippery slope as in the Saturday evolves to the Sunday, which then falls to the rest of the week. Now, if I'd be a piece of shit on a Sunday,

I am such a piece of fucking shit that it just ruins the rest of the week. Okay. So, um, just, just wondering if you have any life advice on just wanting to balance out being a piece of shit and actively trying to get your life together so that can eventually lead to being a piece of shit. When should I be a piece of shit?

Really? You didn't think I was going to have to deal with the tales of my 21st tragic American life? The fucking opioid issues and life in the rural South? Yeah, I thought I was getting more of this shit too, Ian. By the way, we do appreciate your call, buddy, and we are rooting for you, the guy before this. But when to be a big good piece of shit? Well...

You know, I don't, I mean, Saturday is, what do you mean Saturday's a slippery slope? This guy, this was a little too rehearsed.

He really lost some steam at the end there. Yeah, I mean, he said piece of shit like six times. I checked out. Yeah, yeah. There's really, because his logic falls apart instantly. Because he's like, if I'm a piece of shit on Saturday, that's a slippery slope. Because then, what if I'm a piece of shit Sunday? But then he's like, but what if I'm a piece of shit Sunday? I could be a piece of shit Monday. And it's like, what do you, yes, that is how that shit works. What is a piece of shit?

Like, that could be so many things. Sure, yeah. I think he means just getting fucked up, eating like shit, letting your habits... Kind of a cheat day. Yeah. I don't think he means, what day should I hit my children? You know what I mean? I don't think he means that kind of thing. Because that's definitely Tuesday. Yeah.

It's the perfect day. They go to school Monday. They think it happened at school. You don't want to do it on the weekend. I don't know. I think if you're to hit your kids, you'd want to kind of do it right in the middle. Of the week? Yeah. Tuesday. Pace yourself. Wednesday, I think. Hump day. Yeah. A little something to get you over the hump. Well, Tuesday gives you enough time. I mean, Wednesday, if you hit your kids on Wednesday, then they'd be like, well, he was here on Monday, Tuesday, and was fine. Right, right. If you're just there Monday, you're like, he was here yesterday, but I don't remember. Was he good? Interesting. Yeah.

I think maybe actually if you want to keep the authorities off you, Friday right after school is probably the best one. Because you've got the weekend. Because you've got the weekend. You don't want to leave any marks. Yeah, yeah. Friday is good. But that ruins your weekend. That's true. Yeah, yeah. That's true because you're sad. You're like, fuck. I said I was going to be different than my father. You're spending all weekend. Yeah, so you're right. There's a lot to it.

So if you were asking about that type of piece of shit, we got you covered. But I think he just means eating a little ice cream and getting drunk. Well, do what you want. I think Saturday is the best day. Saturday's great, yeah. Don't let it carry into Sunday. Cut it off. Sunday, what, 2 a.m.? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut it off. And that is the thing. It's like, that's what Saturdays are for. Right, and Sunday's to recoup. Like, this question is like... It's ridiculous. There's literally a weekend that's set up structurally for you.

The American Work Week gives you the example. Right. They do it Saturday. Yeah. Unless you have a non-traditional job, in which case, find your Saturday and do it then. Like, we work on weekends, but then we are pieces of shit on the weekend where we work, too. Yeah. Very few jobs you get to also get fucked up afterwards and try and fuck the people in the same room. Because they ruined it. Because the women...

Yeah, it's not. It's Mad Men's over. What a shame. What do you think? Time for one more, my friend? Yeah, I can do one more. You got to go? I can do one more. You can do one more? All right, cool. Try not to be about anyone killing themselves. Maybe just something lighthearted.

Yeah, I was just wondering if I could get some advice about how to seem less desperate when I'm trying to get laid. Okay. This guy talks like a family guy character. I mean, I'll have to be a couple women and...

It just seems like they can smell the desperation and I just want to know how to not act like I really need a bust in the... You know? Thanks, Bobby. I would say don't use this breathy whisper that you're using with us right now. Yeah, I would say there's no hope for this. If I had a pussy, I would sew it shut after listening to you for 15 seconds. So we gotta do... I like how we said, we're not gonna

You just get the fucking I would open up the that cookie basket that every every fucking mom kept all her sewing sewing equipment in Okay, buddy. Well look this is a classic question and

It's tough. There is a little bit of fake it till you make it here. You know, and... You gotta act like you've been there before. You do gotta act like you've been there before. It was just, you know, easier said than done. If you've never been there. If you've never been there. But try and remember what it was like when you got pussy. That helps. Visualize it. The secret. But not in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hard. He's hard at the date. Yeah.

As he's talking to her. Yeah, yeah. Now, okay, are you just trying to get laid? Are you, you're just simply trying to fuck? Because we could, you know, Ian's high school method is a good way to, and this is what I did too, don't get me wrong. I don't mean to keep pointing you out. The first time I had sex, it was like somebody I dated in college because I didn't have the guts to make a move. So I formed a deep bond with someone and it felt natural. You know, we fell in love and it was natural. Yeah.

Do you want to do that? That's a possibility. But if you're just trying to bust a nut and you're like, how do I seem less desperate? Either fake it, be a good actor, pretend like you're not desperate. Yeah, don't bring up sex neither. Like, don't bring up sex with these women. Because he said they could smell the desperation. He's probably bringing up sex. It's true. Yeah, yeah. Or like, don't bring it up, but also don't let it barely be underneath the surface. You know what I mean? Yeah, like, don't...

I love, yeah, no, I actually love The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Do you want to come watch it? Yeah, right. You know, like, you know, it's that, don't bring it up, but also don't make it obvious how bad. All those things where you think you're being slick, they know that. Yeah, you're not being slick. You're not being slick. They know that. Maybe beat off so that the immediate. Get circumcised. No, do not. That is some of the worst things you could possibly do. They can smell that. They can smell the circumcision on you. The recent circumcision. Yeah.

You're going to want to beat off so that you have less immediate... You're less immediately horny. Even I find myself sometimes where I'm like, I'm just texting someone. I'm like, oh, we got to hang out. You know, just like saying crazy shit. I beat off. And then you change your number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I call Verizon. And I'm like...

I need a new phone number. I need a block. I need a permanent block on this particular number. Now, the other thing you could do, you're very desperate, and I don't know what sexual arena this particular guy is in, but we all know there's a ballpark of the types of people we can fuck easily or who we're trying to fuck or who we are trying to... Maybe you're trying to aspire to something better and get a higher quality person. Sure.

You need to get lower. Whatever you are, get one degree lower. Tell him to lower his expectations. Lower. Yes, exactly. Cure desperation by just busting a couple nuts. That's true. Go to DR. Do not go to the DR. Do not. I'm not the best at advice.

You got 75 bucks. Do not do it. Don't bust for money. It will only make it worse. Do what... Do... But fuck somebody ugly. Easy. You know, with no money. That's kind of what I'm saying. It's like you got to take a couple practice swings. You got to get... You know, like...

If you haven't done stand-up in six months, let's say. Yeah, you go to the standing room. Right, you go to a shitty little club. You don't go to fucking, you don't go do a theater show. Your first year's not a theater show. They can tell. They can smell that you're not ready. Exactly. So fuck somewhere that's bad. Fuck someone who you don't care about. Maybe she doesn't care about you either. Maybe it's just obvious. But look, get lower than where you are and where you want to be.

Because you got to get there, right? Like you go, you haven't been to the gym. You can't start fucking bench pressing your personal best. No. The first day. Work your way up. You got to work your way up. So that's another thing. Fuck people that are easier to fuck who won't, who don't care that you're desperate. Maybe that's a possibility. There you go. I think we, I think we. Yeah. I mean, that's a good. I think we told our boy what he needed to. So let, you know, good luck. Let us know. Fill us in.

That is going to do it for us this week, folks. Ian, plug all your shit. Where are you going to be? Go see my boy live. He's fucking hilarious. And go watch the special if you haven't already, folks. Thank you, brother. Yeah, watch the special. It's on HBO Max, Ian Lauer Romantic Comedy. Next year, I'm going back on the road. In January, I got the Denver Improv first weekend of January. I got Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento. I got...

The comedy at Ann Arbor at the beginning of February. The Denver Comedy Forum. Dr. Grins, Grand Rapids, Michigan. It's all on IanLauerLive.com. Check me out. I'm going all over. Go check him out. Follow him everywhere. Watch the special. Call in if you want us to give you advice in a future show. 904-800-STAV. 904-800-STAV. Eldis is probably flashing it across the screen as we speak. Isn't that right, Eldie? Yeah. And we will be back next week. Thank you, guys.

Talk to you soon. Bye. Thank you, brother. Thank you. Appreciate you. That was awesome. Thank you, man. A lot of fun, dude.