George Civeris and Sam Taggart
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. Call in, leave us a fucking voicemail. We'll answer your problems. Big, great, great app. Two of my fucking faves here. Yeah, we got two Greeks, Eldis. You Albanian fuck. Are you Albanian? Yeah. Wow, you are really like connecting cultures and like...

Fixing years of prejudice. No, we're not fixing Greek-Albanian prejudice. Reinforcing. Yeah. And Sam, I don't know. I'm learning a lot already. Did we introduce you? Did I get caught up in speaking Greek to George? Well, I interrupted you. That's okay. Great. Just because I wanted everyone to know that I speak Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do the podcast in Greek, and then these two can try and figure it out. And the audience. We've got, of course, Sam Taggart.

Very funny. Great pod. Stradio Lab. I was on board as soon as I heard the name. I was like, now that's a fucking name. It's a really good name. Stradio Lab is a great name. Take that, Robert Krolowicz, you motherfucker. Um...

So, yeah, thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out to Queens, boys. We got ourselves a belly full of Greek food. Oh, thanks for having us. What a delight. We're having the time of our lives. You're learning a lot. I'm learning culturally a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're very, yeah. So, Sam, Albanians enjoy a very low...

very low position in Greek culture. Okay. They're immigrants to, into Greece. And if you're racist in Greece, kind of your favorite, um, you know, I guess whipping boy would be the fucking, would be Albanians. So much so that you can be like an anti-racist in all other areas. I like a family member of mine. I mean, whatever, I shouldn't say this on air. An old, old, like great uncle, you know, old guy. Yeah. Uh,

at one point was talking about how not racist he is. And he's like, I, you know, there was a black person that, uh, was moving into my building and I had neighbors that signed something to like, not let him in. And I like spearheaded the effort to, for, to, to welcome him in. Like, I felt really strongly about that. And I really deep in myself feel like everyone is equal. And then I was like, Oh, how interesting. He's like, that's except fucking Albanians.

I swear to, I mean, it really is like. It's awesome. It's so funny. I remember like we, and we've told, like me and Eldis have been friends since we were kids. So like we have plenty of stories. We just quickly for you, for your guys, we had our other best friend that we grew up with. His family did not let Eldis in the house. He had to sit outside. Like really? Like literally.

His dad was some fucking villager Greek guy who would not have an Albanian in his house. It's actually nuts. It took years of, like, friendship and him, I guess, watching Eldest not steal things to let him in the house. Like, we're talking...

Crazy old world racism. I once heard someone say that... I'm so sorry I'm talking about this, by the way. No, no, no. He gets it. Just so everyone knows, everyone in my nuclear family is not racist against Albanians. The same can't be said for the Halakish family. No, and I do think, like, in our generation in Greece, things are changing, and I actually... For the better. But anyway, I once heard someone say that Albanians make the best, like...

you know, what's the word? Like cleaning people or whatever. Because like their hands are coarse. I mean, it's just, it's awful. It's literally like. They have actual physical differences. Yeah, they're like, they evolved to clean. They evolved to clean. Go on, man.

That is so dark. If you didn't have a cloth, you could scrape with your palm. Yeah, you could with your Albanian Brillo hands. I mean, the Greek prejudices in general are so weird. Like, actually, homophobia in Greece is fascinating because they're not, like, violently homophobic. It's just, like, not talked about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time my mom was like...

A few years ago, she was like, you know, things are really progressing in Greece. Like, there were three separate gay people that ran for mayor of Athens. And I was like, oh, were they out? She was like, well, no. Yeah.

She's like, they just seem kind of faggot. But she was truly mentioning it as like a sign of progress. She was like, three different gay people. No, that's all. I mean, it's, yeah, let's get into, one more Albanian story I'd love to get into Greek homophobia because it's also, Greece is also like the classic everyone seems gay and everyone is homophobic place. 100%.

But we recently, we met a Greek guy. He was awesome. Like a Greek business owner type of guy. And he was literally, Elders, what was the conversation like? Where he was like... I was just like, yeah, I'm Albanian. And then he just instantly goes into like... You know, it was just like a minute after I met him, he was like, oh, you know...

I know Greeks and Albanians have a lot of problems. I've been in America a long time. I never had problems with Albanians. I always liked Albanians. He's giving him the like... What a white person in the South in the 60s would say to a black person they met. Where he's like...

Whatever's going on over there has nothing to do with me. I accept. I always think you guys are good. He was basically like, yeah, I know things got bad between Greeks and Albanians for a while there. But when that all started, I was already living in America. He wasn't even saying it's wrong. He was just saying I wasn't part of it. I didn't do it. I wasn't a part of it. I can't promise I wouldn't have if I wasn't there. But I wasn't there. It's awesome.

Yeah, Greece is a great place. Have you ever been, Sam? No, I've never been. Wow, interesting. We're going to plan. Sam is going to come and visit my family. And it needs to happen. Maybe it'll happen this summer, I think, if we plan it. Well, if you guys are there, I'm going to be there in September. Really? Oh, September's a good time to be there. Maybe we can meet up. I believe you're our first Greek guest, George. Wow. I think so. We haven't had anybody else, have we, Elders? No, not yet. Wow, so this is big for the pod. Yeah.

You're really sold out getting only non-Greeks on the pad. I know, I know. Believe me. It's a real point of issue. I had Basil...

The comedian who would tour Greek festivals. You know him? I do not know him. But I'm like, I really don't know a lot about like Greek American culture. Because you actually grew up in Greece. I mean, I did partly live here, but like there was always, I feel like there's always a divide between like Greek people who feel like they're more Greek than American. And then like Greek American people who are like second, third generation. Absolutely. No, I feel that for sure because I feel like I'm in a weird zone where my...

I'm first generation. I was born here. But I'm fluent in Greek. My family's over there. I don't, like... I do still feel a really strong connection to Greece. But yes, there's absolutely this, like, you know, watered-down Greek identity shit where it's like people go to the Greek festival and they go to... You know, and it's almost like a novelty thing where it's like... Like...

It's so easy in Greek people to just become white people within a generation or two. Of course. Just regular ass honkies. And that's... That literally... Part of mortality is also like, damn, if I have children, are they just gonna become like regular ass white people in two generations? That literally scares me. Like, I... Like...

I remember when we, because we lived in the States for like seven years. So basically, when I was a kid, I was in Greece. Born in Greece. Then I lived in the States for seven years. Then we moved back and actually went to a Greek-speaking high school in Athens, which is why I then feel like, if you add it up, it's, you know, whatever. More Greek. I feel comfortable saying I grew up most English. Absolutely. You grew up in Greece. Anyway, but I remember when we were in New Jersey, which is where we lived, like,

I felt like I was trying to see more American because I felt like foreign. Whereas Greek Americans wanted at first street, Craig to see, to see more Greeks. They'd be like, hi, I'm Varvara. This is my, yeah. And I was like, I wouldn't like, I would say like my grandma and my grandpa when I was like, selling out, dude, I was the real sellout. Yeah. Oh no. Greek uncle Tom sounds like what you were. Um,

And so you were just hot. Yeah, I get it. You also probably had the thick-ass accent coming straight from it. I was, like, pretty... My sisters had... My parents and my sisters had...

more accents than I did. I was sort of like young enough because we moved here when I was like second grade. Oh, okay. I got you. I got you. Then by the time we moved back when I was in like eighth grade or ninth grade, I felt then that I had become more American and then I had to like get used to being in Greece again. Yeah, that's interesting. Because we would go because we would have my family...

My father would go to Greece and pretend he was a successful businessman for five weeks. That was like, he would take out loans to go on vacation and he would pretend his business was doing well. And we wouldn't even really be on vacation. We were like just living in Athens for like three weeks and we'd go on a two-week vacation. Like we're only on the beach for two weeks, but my dad would like see his old friends and like talk about how good he was doing in America. It was like this weird like...

Wait, that's so funny because we have the opposite. Sam, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. You'll get in there, Sam. We'll get in there soon. But we had the opposite experience. So my parents came here to do the American dream. They were both straight-A students. They went to college in Greece, and they were like, right, we're going to go get an engineering PhD to make money. And then we were living in New Jersey, in suburban New Jersey, not super picturesque or anything. Sure.

And because this was during the sort of pre-crisis bubble where everyone in Greece was making so much money, my parents would go back to Greece and their friends from high school would all be like driving Porsches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'd be like, wait, are we stupid for living in New Jersey and for like getting PhDs?

And all these people that we went to high school with that like never left Athens and were like, you know, super involved in like student politics or whatever are now like CEOs. Yeah. Not paying their taxes. Exactly. Yeah. It's just like clocking into nap. I don't know.

My godfather, I've told this story, but my godfather had a government job where he was like a government handyman. And he would clock in and then go to, he would clock into that job. He had an overnight shift. He would sleep there. He would never work. He had a bed. He put a bed in his office. He slept there and he would leave and do work for his other job.

Like, he was just a fucking pure con man. Like, so the idea of a... Greece was awesome back... Yeah. In 2006, dude, right before. Oh, my God. My uncle was, like, a VP at a bank or something. Dumbest. One of the dumbest motherfuckers I've ever met in my life. And they would go to, like, Europe...

Like, they would go to other parts of Europe. They'd be, like, you know, flying. He would travel with his favorite soccer team and watch them play in, like, Champions League matches. And my aunt would go on cruises, and she's a hoarder, so that she'd have, like, little fucking trinkets from, like, fucking Berlin. And, like, fucking... It was crazy. And now they're, like, destined. It's, like, crazy how much shit has changed in Greece. It's crazy. I mean, it is now sort of on the up and up again, and I think, like...

You know, it's not as bad as it was like seven years ago, let's say. Sure, sure. But yeah, to be honest, I still don't know how it all added up. Well, there's also, okay, you were talking about like being a sort of public sector employee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam, like that's like a, that's a stereotype. Literally the idea of a public sector employee is,

is like a Greek cultural stereotype. Yes. That's what, that means like, oh, that person is lazy and doesn't do anything at work. So it's like, you'd be like, there'd be like a Greek sitcom and someone, that would be their job as a way to denote that they're like a lazy asshole. This is a fucking duller, but dumb asshole. Yeah. And it's also kind of the dream because it's like, you want that position because it's like, it's literally free money from the government and you can just go work a different job. Yeah.

Or go get pussy on the side. Literally, he would buy prostitutes on the job. He was also like a weird sex fiend. He rocks. Yeah, he sounds great. No, he rules. He rules. Like, I would be... Now he's in... Now they've moved from...

They went back to Naxos, which is where he's from originally. Oh, I love Naxos. Great. That's like one of my favorite. We went there like every year for like 10 years. It's an awesome island. And they live there now, my godfather and my godmother. And he literally, they've gone back to like the bartering economy where my godfather makes, has honey. He makes barter.

bee like he's a beekeeper and he trades like his honey for like moonshine and like rabbit stew and like they're living like it's pretty sick that's crazy yeah yeah well I'm glad I now know that Greeks hate Albanians gay people and government workers oh 100% and I would say in that order too I would say yeah

Yeah, I think so. I would say that's the ranking. Honestly, maybe now that it's a little more progressive, government workers then. It's like Albanians then government workers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely Albanians won. Albanian ain't moving from the top spot. So last time I was in Greece, you know goodies like the fast food? Of course. That's our McDonald's.

Can you believe that? Wow. What? So goodies is like the McDonald's in Greece. What was on the pride menu? I actually, you know what? After we start recording, I'll find a photo. Let's check it out. I'll just find the pride menu. But it has like fully. What's it called? Sorry. Goodies. G-O-O-D-Y. What the fuck are you doing? What are you? You're not paying attention? And this is why the Greeks are right about Albanians, by the way. I live.

I lift this Albanian out of poverty and he's not even listening to the goodies pride menu. Yeah, he was living in a bartering economy. Well, what's amazing about him is his hands are biologically different so he's better at looking stuff up. No, that's actually the pride. Oh, there it is. There we go. This is real. Goodies, Goodies Burger House, Pride Burger. And they've made the buns great.

green and red. The buns are gay. Wow. Wow, look at that. Actually, it looks so unappetizing. Yeah, that looks horrific. It's how they view homosexuality. Yeah, yeah. Disgusting. They're poisoned. Poisoned. But it really is just crazy. Like, I graduated high school in 2009 and, like, would not dream of being out in Greece. And now to go back and to see a Goody's Pride collection is really something. Interesting. Interesting.

Yeah, what the fuck? That's... Have you ever had any... Pre-George, pre-whatever, do you have any run-ins with Greeks or Albanians, Sam? No. No? Where are you from originally? Like the Midwest and the South. Ah, that's not real Greek or Albanian country. No, I never met any Greeks or Albanians. You know, I watched my big fat Greek wedding. Of course. Of course, of course, of course, of course. I mean, honestly, when I first was meeting George and he was like, well, I'm Greek, I'm Greek, I'm Greek, I was like, yeah, we're all something. Yeah.

Like, it's not that different, babe. But now, you know, I continue to learn and my perspective is constantly broadening. Absolutely. What you're saying is crazy. I sort of feel that way with, like, it's even though I talk about being Greek all the time, then I'll meet, like, an Italian-American who loves talking about being Italian and I'm like...

No one cares. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greeks have a huge, like, supremacist thing. Oh, yeah. 100%. Every time there's, like, a poll that's like, which country thinks they are superior to everyone else? It's Greece. Number one. It's off the charts. And it's like, oh, dude, it's crazy. And it's also the anti-Semitism survey. But that's a different conversation. So, wait, do they hate Jewish people as well? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We side with Arabs big time. Oh, that's fascinating.

It's funny because in my family... So my grandfather grew up in a Jewish neighborhood. Really? And it was occupied by the Nazis. Yeah. So he...

Not only is so pro-Jewish, but he probably feels more kinship to Jewish people than he does to Greek people. So maybe I missed the anti... I mean, that's crazy to me. A pro-Jewish? Best I've ever seen is not anti-Semitic. But pro is out of control. No, it's actually so much so that... So he died recently, and my mom, his daughter, texted my boyfriend, who is Jewish, and was like...

George's grandfather would have loved that you are Jewish. He would have, yeah, every day he would go and he would think, I just want my grandson to get circumcised cocked.

That's my one dream. Let him be free from the hood. Your mom is like the queen of thinking she's saying something progressive, but it comes off as like... But that's so many Greek people. Absolutely. And it's also like the sort of... I mean, this is not just Greek people, but it's like when someone's like, I'm a history buff, so what are you? Of course. It's like saying something that is sort of like cartoonishly offensive, but because you genuinely care and want to learn about someone's culture. Yeah.

That's cute almost. I was like, we should be allowed to say shit that ignorant when you come from a good place. You know what I mean? It's like, especially when you're talking, like, especially it's like, there needs to be a moment of amnesty for trans shit where it's like completely well-meaning people should be able to ask something that sounds horrendous. And then we're like,

Don't say it that way. You know what I mean? Like, like there, I know, cause you know what I mean? It's like, it's just, you don't want to, you're so scared to say some offensive shit where you're like, or desperate to be educated. Like, and they genuinely don't know where to look. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause sometimes asking the questions comes off as yeah. Yeah. And then you'll, and you might even get educate yourself, sweetie. That's a response. That's like, I'm fucking trying. I'm dumb.

Do you think that's actually one of the reasons I think cis gay people should be tasked with being ambassadors? Exactly. Translators. So that trans people themselves should have comfortable lives and not have to deal with transphobia. But then a few sort of cis gay men that have... Cis gay white guys, right? You guys got it easy. Let's be honest. All of them have...

All of them majored in like anthropology of gender. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And they're from like Connecticut. Right. And so maybe their job can be sort of like being the first line of defense. Oh, I like this. It's like the Peace Corps. Exactly. Yeah. Yes. In exchange for using lingo that black trans women came up with, gay white cis men need to do a certain amount of hours translating. Like two years in Indiana. Yeah.

Yeah, I was, where were you? I was stationed in Fort Wayne. I love that. This is a great idea, guys. Yeah, the food was horrible. I love it, dude. We're going to be, yeah, back wherever you grew up. That's who needs it. Head to Michigan. Head to Michigan, dude. I'll go. Yeah, you should come. It's beautiful.

That's fucking hilarious. So you were just had to do sneaky gay shit as a youth or what? Yeah, I didn't really act on it until like college. Okay. Yeah. I didn't either actually. Oh, wow. I had not even like kissed a man until my freshman year of college. Yeah, me either. Did you guys ever have to fake being straight? Yes. I hooked up with girls in high school and the beginning of college. You got pussy in high school? A little.

See, that's what's so funny. I didn't get... It's like, how bad... Like, I always think about the closeted gay guys that got pussy. I'm like, they were getting pussy. I couldn't get pussy. Like, I was like... They were, like, revolted. I mean, I know that's not how it works, but when you're, like, 19, you're like, gay guys are going, like...

and getting pussy, putting a clothes fit on their nose and eating pussy. And I'm over here begging, how did they pull it off? I was always mesmerized when I would hear those stories. One time I tried to eat pussy. It was so deeply embarrassing. And I think back on it and just hurt. Because we were literally drunk at someone's house and 69ing.

I was like, and I literally was just like pretending that the angle was too different. So I was just going like, my neck.

I mean, the idea that a straight 16-year-old would know any better. Sure, sure, sure. If anything, honestly, probably a gay man would have some more pizzazz. Sure, sure, sure. He would be performing. Sick of pinkie-out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be performative about it at least. Ugh. Yeah. 69ing's so funny, too. Well, it's a classic position where you're like, well, first you're 69, and then you penetrate. On someone's floor, you know?

Like, what are we doing? Who is this girl? What kind of girl is this? She's very sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice. Very smart. Yeah.

I guess that makes sense. Well, Kalila, you're not that perceptive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually think she could tell, but that was like part of the appeal. Like, I think she was like, maybe I can turn him. Oh, true. In Indiana, you get a fucking thousand dollars. You turn a gay guy straight. You go to the governor. You tell the governor. He gives you the key to the city. Yeah, literally Mike Pence. Yeah.

Because, yeah, being gay, like, really red is, like, sweet. Like, it's like, oh, I want a nice guy like that. I want a nice guy, you know, a fat guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that makes sense. That makes a lot... I guess that makes sense, because thinking back on it now, how did those guys get pussy? It's because you weren't nervous about it. And you were just... You asked nice... Because I, like, I could do... I was a sweet kid in high school, but I wanted pussy so bad that the second it got close, I was like...

You know, it's like any attraction faded because I was like, I hope I pull this off. If I don't get pussy, I'll kill soon. I'll kill myself. And they could feel that just emanating off me. That's sort of how I felt about. So I had heard the guys were jerking off together in a straight way. We've talked about this a lot. But not in Stavi's world. All right, well.

But it was like a thing that would happen and then the girls would be like, oh my god you guys do that Bob and I was like like I was like, how do I act chill enough that I'm invited? Like fully hard They could fully smell it on us like yeah, I would never be invited. Yeah, I would never once be invited Did you ever jerk off with your boys? We had like there was one sleepover where there was like there was a

More of a jerk-off station than jerk-off with the boys. Like, it wasn't like we all beat off together, but it was like, you know, this guy had internet and, you know, I'm coming from inner-city Baltimore. We didn't really have... I didn't get internet until I was, like, 13, 14. So he had internet. And he also might have had, like...

I didn't even have dial-up yet and he had like, you know, whatever was the precursor to Fios. So we were downloading songs off Napster. We were like going crazy using internet and one of those functions was... Going crazy using internet? Yeah. Yeah.

That was... Yeah, it was like... Oh, yeah, we were browsing hard. We were browsing... Truly, we truly were. We were on fucking E-Bomb's world. We were on fucking Intensity, whatever the other shit is. I remember the first piece of pornography I saw at that sleepover was on one of those fucked up cringe-inducing web... I think it was called Intensity. Wasn't that what it was called? Or E-Bomb? Maybe E-Bomb still had that porn set before it became a basically memes video place. I don't really remember. But it was a...

nun girl dressed as a nun with a crucifix in her pussy but also she had a she had a wildly hairy pussy so I hadn't even seen that truly that was the first time I saw detailed pussy like you know I guess I had seen like a playboy where it's like you don't really see pussy you see tits

I just spread open. Just like that honestly did scare me from pussy for a little bit because I was like, what the fuck is going on? Hairy as fuck, just a gape with a fucking cross in it. And you were still like, but I'm going to jerk off to this. And then I was like, this is fucked up, but you can see her tits still in this and that is doing it for me. But I think I beat off to...

What was... What were we beating off to at Phil's house in 2003? This is fresh off 9-11. No. Actually, this is probably pre-9-11 because this was sixth grade. So we didn't even know the towers were about to fall. It was a simpler time. It was a simpler time. I'm going to guess it was just some kind of... Oh, you know, it literally might... This might be hack.

But I actually, I didn't jerk off there because I was just a little stage fright. It was just a little too much. But I think, I literally think this is so hack. It might have been the Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson. I mean, it's a classic. It's a classic. You know what I mean? It was also really hyped. Like, even at that time, like, I love the whatever shows. Yeah. All,

Always like the Tommy. The Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson sex tape is so like queer coded to me because it's like she's like an iconic queen and then he has a giant cock. I was like, why would a straight guy want to watch this? I'm like, this is camp. It is camp. You're so right.

Yeah, that would hurt. Yeah, I honestly remember seeing it and my feelings being hurt because of how big his penis was. Same. I remember being like, what? You hear about it and you're like, well, it can't be that big. Yes. It literally is. By the way, Greek icon. Greek, that's right. Didn't get any of those jeans, I'll tell you that much. Those were not bad. I can't drum and my dick don't look like that. I got all the other skills.

The Colin Farrell sex tape was my sex tape of choice. Oh, of course. I heard about that one. And that one I didn't watch because I heard the rumors of his dick being so big that it would hurt my... And I was past that, right? This is later in life. How old were we when that shit came out? I was later. Probably 2005, maybe. Yeah, because he was filming Daredevil, I remember. Yeah, because that's where he falls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Colin Farrell, one of the best...

best pieces of ass of all time. And still to this day. He rules. I love that guy. I mean, I was watching the Miami Vice. With Jamie Foxx. The Jamie Foxx Miami Vice and I was like, damn, this is... I was like, that's who I think I am. There it is. Thank you. Well, the other thing... I mean, first of all, he looks so good. Second of all... But he looks... But this is not even like... Yeah, he looks weird. Hot Colin... Oh, there's his cock. You know what? I did see this one. I forgot. This is...

I did watch this one. I remember the girl was black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a very nice penis, but it's not like a Tommy Lee. Not a Tommy Lee. It's not like a huge. That's a nice hog, though, you know? Sure. Nothing wrong with that. But what's great. And the girl was hot, I remember. I remember it's like really verbal, right? It's very verbal. And he's also like, he is worshiping her.

I mean, that's the whole thing is that he's like so grateful that he is going down on her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of like feminist porn. It's a feminist porn. Yeah, yeah. No, I love Confero. And in my head, pull up Confero and Miami Vice, Elders. I watched that recently and I was like,

Yeah, I want to see exactly. Like, in my head, that's what I look like. And, like, I know I don't. But in my head, I go through life being like, that's 100% what I look like. That's so funny. And it's so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I do see it, though. I see it, too. It's so funny. And there is sort of, like, Greek, Italian Mediterranean. Yeah, yeah. Wow. But he's also, he's in this movie...

He also was, it was, he literally got off the set of that movie, went right to rehab. He's given interviews where he's like, I do not remember. And he's like, I'm not trying to be rude. I literally don't remember that movie, like filming that movie. Because like, I love that movie and it's a really fun, you know, I'm a love big Michael manhead. And I hadn't seen it till recently.

And I was like, oh, this is like a fucking, this is like a fucked up, almost like art movie. It's not, because I watched it thinking like Miami Vice, fucking guns, action movie, all this kind of shit. And it's a fucking weird art piece about losing yourself in your work. And like, you don't know who you are anymore. And it's like, and then plus one of my favorite actors is on drugs. And he's like, goes to rehab. I was like, this is me, dude. Yeah.

I was high as shit. I'm like, dude, I'm blurring the lines, dude. What's content? Who's Stavros? You know? And I'm like, this is my... I'm like, in my head. And I look exactly like him. Like, this is the most important piece of media in my life. You should do a shot-for-shot remake. Of Miami Vice. An iconic scene. And he falls in love with, like, a hot Chinese actress. I would love to get that in the mix. Who, by the way...

Didn't even know English. She did the movie phonetically. No way. It's crazy. Anyway, that's my little Michael Mann, Miami Vice moment. Watch that. Big fan of that movie. And that's who I am in my heart is that guy. That's who I am during this tour. Actually, it's nice to see this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's making a little more sense how I perceive myself. How I act in the world when I think I look like that.

He really is one of the hottest men. Oh, he's awesome. Yeah. And he's just, and it's cool to see him like bounce back and just like seem happier and like just show that he's also just like such a good ass actor. And a good person. I think he's like a real sweetheart. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. I don't know why we were talking about Colin Farrell. Porn. Oh, porn. Oh, beating off. Yes, yes. So, yeah, I didn't fully do the jerk-off parties. Eldridge, were you ever... You must have beat off with your boys in the suburbs. No jerking off, but we're definitely, like, you know, fake sucking each other's cocks, helping each other. That's like... Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. That's somehow...

Better? It's like, it's literally like... You're just humping your boy in middle school. You're like, oh, dude, you're fucking gay. Classic stuff. Touching each other's dicks, being like, you like that you're fucking gay, dude. That kind of thing. Flicking each other's balls to cause pain. Yeah, yeah, classic. Like, really, I think about my high school football team and the shit that some of those guys who, like, that feels Greek because it's extreme homophobia, but being so gay that it's like...

This is just being gay at this point. They literally ask to see the gay kid's dick. And I'm like, I know you think you're making fun of him, but you ask to see his penis. And if he pulls it out, you just kind of did a gay thing with a gay guy. It's like, that's not bullying anymore. But then from the gay person's perspective, it makes it even more confusing because then you're like,

How am I like, well, it is like almost psychological torture. Cause you're like, I'd love to show you my penis, but it's like, but wait, you're going to make fun of me for it. You know, even you guys doing that, like miming for a second. I was like, I'm hard. I was like, this is so hot. I wish I could like do it again with the confidence. Oh my God. To go to be in a high school environment where everyone is of age. Yeah.

Yeah, 32-year-old high schoolers. 32-year-old high schoolers. Everyone is having jerk-off parties. And they're like bullying and shoving my face. I'm like, no, stop it, stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. That's a nice little... You should do the porno wing of Stradio Lab. Oh, yeah. We're working on it. Trust me, that video exists. Yeah, I mean, we've talked about it many times.

here on the podcast, but we truly are jealous of the thing gay guys have figured out where it's like, you know, where it's like, it's just like everyone just gets to suck everyone off and no one really minds or like nobody's feelings are hurt. Where it's like, I was doing this bit, I'm not putting it in this special because it just like doesn't fit with the others because I was doing a bit about like poly stuff because I'm dating a lot of poly girls because it's like this weird thing

It's like you get to get pussy and also have a friend at the same time without having a girlfriend. It's like a nice little hack where I feel like I'm even the closest... We were talking before. I feel like I'm kind of figuring out a way to be straight with gay... Yeah. With the gay... I have a lot of girls in my life who are just like... They have a boyfriend, but they'll also just come over and fuck for a weekend. And that's cool. Which feels like close to the gay thing. But I was thinking like... I don't get...

But that's like a rare straight... Straight people who do that are rare. People who identify as poly, I'm always sort of... Big problem. Well, you know my joke with poly people is it sounds great theoretically, but I don't have time to get into Doctor Who. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, that's beautiful. I think it's funny when my own... Where my limit is. Yesterday I was talking to a friend who was like, oh, I went out and it was really fun. This guy sucked my dick on the dance floor. And I was like, on the dance floor? Yeah.

And he was like, yeah, a lot of people are doing that now. Oh, yeah, people are doing that now. And I was like, that's not right. I was like, you're supposed to go to the dark corner. Go to the booth like a gentleman. What the fuck? We're animals now? Yeah, like go to the bathroom or the dark. Yeah, always the dark corner. Always the dark corner, of course. I was really... And then he was like, yeah, this guy fisted somebody. I was like...

Wow, we're bringing back cruising. We're bringing back... I mean, cruising's been bad. Sam's being very conservative today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're feeling those Michigan roots. He's like, don't do that in front. I just don't want to see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't suck each other's dicks. What if my sub that I'm walking on a leash is seeing it? Wait, were we together when someone brought a group of men that were acting like puppies and then they just waited in a corner? So they waited in the corner. I don't think I was there for this.

So there were these men that were on all fours, and then we all went to a party. And then for the duration of a party, they waited in a corner until the guy that was in charge of them was ready to leave, and then they followed him out. Wait, was that the New Year's? You know, now I'm sort of like, yeah, it wasn't. I'm sort of like, maybe I heard of this from our friend. That's beautiful. But it was a New Year's party two years ago. Yeah, that's awesome. Okay, wait. I was in Mexico at this, like, nude beach that has, like,

sexy vibes. And there was actually like a straight couple, like there was like this big night party and like, or everyone's in like various states of undress. And there was a straight couple there. Like the guy was rock hard and she was like blowing him on the dance floor. And I was like, wait, this is actually the future. Yeah.

There is really something to this. Wait, also, remember when I went to a gay club with four straight people and they all ended up hooking up and I went home alone? Wait, what? This was actually one of the most humiliating nights of my life. Yeah, please. This was a sad one. Really? I remember.

I remember. It really is. I was with, and by the way, I'm, I wasn't even that night like looking to hook up. I was just sort of like, we were at a comedy show and then there was some party that happened to be at a gay club. And so I was like, oh, this is, I guess I can go to a gay club with four non-gay people. Yeah. Um,

And to be clear, maybe they identify, you know, maybe they were by like, I don't know, but it was it was definitely a male, a man woman couple. OK. And then a single woman and a single man that were sort of straight presenting. And so I was like the odd man out. I was just sort of like, OK, like this is my home. It's a gay bar. I can show you around like the way it works. You order a drink. Yeah. But I was sort of like, you know, like trying to make them feel at home. They were the only straight people there. And then.

First of all, they swapped each girl hooked up with the other, or made out at least, not hooked up with the other guy. And then at some point I went to get a drink and came back and the two guys were making out. And I was like, what the hell is going on here? I'm the only one at this gay club not getting any action. It was like the jerk-off party's all over again. Yeah, this was when Sam told me that I was exhibiting, what's the Seinfeld guy? Oh, George Costanza. George Costanza behavior. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like, that's something that would happen to George Lucas. You had a couple real big subs. I did. That was one. What was the other one? When you were the only person in the friend group that didn't get the VIP ticket. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were invited to our friend's, sorry, not to brag, we were invited to our friend's film premiere, and for whatever reason, because of a mix-up, I was the only person in the entire friend group who didn't get a VIP ticket. So then I had to sit by myself in the overflow room.

You're watching from closed circuit television? I was sort of like, I don't know, maybe gay representation is not good. That's so funny. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Yeah, I mean, but I just, to go back, I just really love what you guys got going where it's like,

you know, a couple will have a beautiful dinner, then split off, suck off four other guys, and then come back together, watch the sunrise, and kiss on the lips, and talk about how much you love each other. It is true. It's beautiful. You know what, though? Now that we have friends that are, you know, even older than us, and are sort of like couples that have been together for a while that are aging, it is interesting to see the dark side of that. Ooh, yeah. Don't you think? Well, I think the dark side, it's person to person. Like, it's like, if it's gonna be dark, like, it's gonna be dark.

People that are monogamous are also dark-sided in that way. Yeah, but I will say that I'm coming to grips with this kind of thing where another thing that I don't think I'll have done for the next special I do, but it's an idea I'm really interested in, where it's like, it's really kind of pathetic to be an old guy that's still getting pussy. And I guess that applies to... And getting pussy, I guess in this term, just keeps getting... You're trying to keep fucking? I sort of agree. I mean, I hate to say it, but no, I don't want to be ageist.

But there is, you know, there's an archetype of an older gay guy who is constantly surrounded by young twinks. Yes. Yeah, and I'm talking about the straight version. It's Leonardo DiCaprio. You know what I mean? Like that kind of shit where it's like, Leo gets a pass because he's the fucking man and he's so good at acting and shit. But if you're not that guy, you don't get no fuck. If you're a guy who's a fucking finance guy that's still getting pussy or even just a...

low-tier stand-up comedian. Like, basically, if I'm in my 50s and I'm still trying to fuck 25-year-olds, that's a problem. There's a reason why it's, like, looked down upon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not even, like, the groomer shit. It's the you're a loser shit. Yeah, it's like you're immature. So I'm very interested to hear you say that about... Because it's almost like a couple that's still trying to fuck. I could see the dark side kind of creeping in. I, like, wish... I'm like...

Oh, who am I talking about? Oh, I'll talk. No, so, no, I, well, okay. I think, I think it's more like, I mean, basically Sam is right that any couple that has been together for 30 years, like, will have a sort of, I don't know, there's a sort of like, you run out of things to do and things to talk about and you are like, sort of, there's so much resentment and whatever. It's almost like, open it up then. Right. But I think what it is, is like, when straight couples are monogamous, they're,

then at least they have to look at their problems in the face because they're not getting anything else from elsewhere. So they're like, we are unhappy. I look at you and I want to kill you. Whereas I think often what happens with gay men is that it's sort of like because

because they are so sexually liberated and because if they're sexually frustrated at home, they can easily go and fuck whoever else they want, which again, I think is good. Go to the park, get an ice cream cone and get your dick sucked. It's like a nice afternoon. I think for some people, then it's like suddenly 20 years pass and you're like, wait,

When did I stop loving you? I don't even remember. No, I think that's, I think a lot of gay couples like that is how they break up. Like they're just like, Oh, we are more like friends now. Well, I also think a lot of gay couples literally will just like straight couples will stop having sex, but we'll like not necessarily realize it because they're having sex with other people. So it's not like they're celibate, but they're like, wait, when was the last time we had sex? Three years ago? Like a hundred percent.

That's awesome. It's so sort of like... That's the way to not have sex with your husband, though, is because it's like you've been fucking so many other people. That's a lot better than getting no pussy. I mean, it is true. It is true.

It's a new kind of depressing that hasn't been yet captured by Sundance movies. Of course. We're working on it. Yeah, we're working on it. Look out for that. I believe in you. Oh, very interesting. Yeah, I guess what it comes down to is that humans really can never be happy any way you slice it. It really is true. You know, there's going to be change no matter what. Yeah, yeah. And you should be okay with it. I'm looking forward to not wanting to fuck.

Like, it's ruined so much of my life. No, horniness is debilitating. Absolutely. And maybe you don't feel this way because we're Greek and we're more horny as a race. That's when we get into race science. But it's like, I truly, truly am just like...

The shit, like the days I've ruined getting pussy. And the next, that's like, I know I have something important, but I'm staying up till three to semi-hard fuck a girl I don't even like or am that attracted to? Why am I doing, like I'll be getting blown and be like, stop, go home. And it's just like, you have no power anymore, brain. You know what I mean? Like you've been, it's like overridden. And I'm just like, the idea of being, like I really think my beautiful final form is a fat grandpa. Yeah.

Just fat as shit, dying pretty young. Let's be honest. I'm going to keep eating. Once I stop getting pussy, you know how fat I'm going to fucking get? This is me trying to keep it together. When I give up, I'm going to be awesome, dude. I'm going to have an awesome chair. I'm going to be fucking baking. I'm going to be whittling, and my dick will not have worked.

In a decade? That's when I'll be happy. Aren't we always horny? Doesn't that not go away? Not the way we are. You know what I mean? I don't think we're going to be as horny as we are now. Grandpas aren't that horny. Well, there is this stereotype of the dirty grandpa. The pervy grandpa. But I think that's because he wasn't getting pussy for 20... I'm talking about... You think they have to get it out of their system? I think you have to hang up your... Yeah, retire. I want to hang my getting pussy jersey up.

And just fucking enjoy the rest of my life. Do you want to like get married and have kids? The older I get, I'm like, I guess I kind of do. Like, I don't know about kids, but I do think I absolutely want to like settle down into some kind of, you know, I at least want to give a, like I was in a relationship that ended and I've just been, you know, not even, I've had no semblance of a serious relationship. And then what happened to me last year is I was dating a lot of people just kind of whatever, casually, casually.

And, you know, when you do that, it's like girls, it's almost like this rotating door of people who pop in and out of your life. Girls get boyfriends. You're like, thank you. Your listeners must be so jealous of you. It's just like guys listening and being like, fuck. Well, no, because there's heartbreak here. Because like then and then it's like then one girl broke up with me. And most of the time girls would be like, hey.

You know, just want to let you know I won't be like putting in my avails next month. Like that kind of vibe. And usually it's like, great. Had a great time. Thanks. Whatever. But then I realized like, fuck, wait, I actually love this one girl. And it was like, and now she's gone and I'm trying real hard. And I took her super for granted. And she's in a relationship. And then it's like you fucking creep on social media. You're like, the guy's a fucking loser. You know what I mean? And so like I've kind of been going through this shit where I'm like,

fuck, dude. Like, I've just been heartbroken off a relationship I never had that was my fault that it didn't happen. So you really feel like...

What am I even sad about? I mistreated someone and now I'm sad about it? Like, you feel like an asshole? That's so, like, cinematic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it feels that way. It doesn't just feel like shit. This is sort of the issue that I have with poly people, where it's like, they think they have created some equation so that you can never be hurt or never have whatever. And it's like, no, actually, the secret to all of this is you can be as sexually liberated as you want, but you have to...

to know that at any given time there is a chance there's going to be like an imbalance in how two people feel about one another. Of course.

Yeah, and I think, I mean, I think like any poly person who actually makes it work is like, no, I do, I am, I'm not thrilled my girlfriend's on a date shouldn't plow, but I realize like, hey, that's part of life. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. There's jealousy, but I'm just, the way I'm jealous of somebody, the way monogamous couples are jealous if they flirt, I'm a little jealous if they're getting dicked down. Totally. Then I fucking, I get over it kind of thing. So anyway...

I guess the point I was making is like that moment where I was like, oh, even if I've been kind of deluding myself into thinking I don't want anything serious, it's like you'll develop those feelings for somebody when you meet somebody and it's like, you know, not to get a little therapy with it, it's like that's always my shit. It's like I'm scared of that. I always pretend. Yeah.

Anytime anything gets serious, I always try and fuck it up. I think I'm scared of commitment. Bad mom and, you know, bad fucking parents. Yeah. Parents had a bad relationship. It's really hack. That's the thing. It's like, it's the most like, it's the most like, I can't commit to, you know, even when the girls are, oh fuck, I forgot to do the joke that weekend. I wrote a joke. Sorry, I'm all over the place. Um,

I have a joke about how it's just like, why I'm the one not committing? It's like, come on. You know, it's like these girls that, anyway, whatever. It really is so, so classic and so cliche of like. Yeah. I mean, sadly, most of our problems are cliche, you know. Always, always, always. I mean, so much of our existence. Yeah. Even like every time we're, we are gay guys. I'm like, damn, we are gay guys. Yeah, we're being gay as hell right now. Sam loves being like, it's like there'll be like four of us at brunch and he's like, we are being such gay guys right now.

Which even that is a gay guy thing. Absolutely. There's no way to avoid it. Absolutely. Get the Charlie XCX going. You know what I'm saying? It's never turned off.

I will say it's sort of lucky to have cliche, like, quote-unquote mental health problems because guess what? The people that have interesting ones are way more fucked up. Yeah, they're locked up somewhere right now. You can literally watch, like, the most mainstream movie and be like, so true. Yeah. I know, it really is. And truly what I want just is a sitcom life. I'm a fat, charismatic man. Give me a much too hot wife. Let me live with one of her wacky...

and my best friend will be next door. That sounds kind of awesome to me. I do sort of think your current life could be a great situation. Yeah, I run a podcast studio out of my bedroom with my Albanian best friend. Yeah.

It would only make sense for like Greek audiences. They're like, they're so different. How could they be friends? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's not like a regular ass life. But anyway, so yeah, I think I want to have that kind of the kids thing. It's like I could I guess it depends on whoever I end up with. I could take it or leave it. I'll be great. I think my destiny there is all I'll be an awesome uncle.

Like, I'm a fucking sick uncle. But I'd like, I mean, I'm not against having kids. My one thing that I've said before is like, if we do have a kid, if I do have a kid, it's like, I also feel like I should adopt a kid and just zero it out. I feel like you really shouldn't have kids. I think like you got to go, you got to leave it. You got to leave the world. I mean, yeah, morally speaking, it's indefensible. But then the older I get, I'm also like,

Oh, yeah, but I get why everyone does it. Of course. Your whole being is telling you to do it and that you're a piece of shit if you don't. You've wasted hundreds of thousands of people raw dogging in succession to bring you here. You're going to end it? The one who's the easiest in the world to have kids? Like, those motherfuckers survived wars, famines, all that kind of shit. And I'm just like, well, I think it's wrong. You know, it's like, what the fuck?

I don't know. What about you guys? You guys want to have that dark gay realization in your 60s that you don't love your husband anymore because you've been getting so much... That's the goal. No, I feel like...

I feel like I always pretend like I'm above it. I like to be that metropolitan gay guy. Of course. What's even the point of marriage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every day I wake up and I choose to be with my boyfriend. And the moment we don't want to be together, well, we won't be together. I don't need the law to tell me what I am and what I'm not. Whereas I feel like I am...

being as sort of assimilation-y as possible, but at every turn, like, being ironic about it and making jokes about it. Like, we have a framed old New York magazine cover in our bathroom that... where the cover line is, when did gays get so straight? And it's, like, from, like, 1995, and it's, like, some article about how gay men are, like, becoming more respectable now or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the cover is two gay guys, like, drinking out of a pink smoothie together. Um...

Or, I don't know. Yeah, I feel like you sort of have to do the thing that you're scared of and then just wink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say George is less afraid of the traditional than me. Yeah. Yeah.

Good Greek boy, raised in the church. I mean, I do think ultimately, I don't know if you feel this way, but like as much as I tried to escape it, the Greek value, like just like... Out of control, I'm with you. The Greek like family unit really, and not just family unit, but like extended family and everything. Unfortunately, it's just like baked in. And I don't think I could ever be like a real like...

hippie living in a commune like super queer no like I just it's it's how I yeah I know what you mean fully it's like that's another scary thing about like you know everyone tells you just wait till you get older you know you'll and it's like especially the Greek shit and the family shit in particular where I'm like you know my best friend just had a kid and it's like holy like that was a huge moment where I'm like damn

My mother, like my guys, my guys are having kids. You guys are jerked off in the jerk off station? She wasn't invited to the jerk off station. But like, I'm just like, damn, the people I care about are having kids. I'm going to care about that kid. And then it's always like, my brothers are probably going to have kids. My brothers are both married. My cousin's getting married in Greece. This, this, like, it's kind of like,

I'm realizing I'm just being dragged to all that stuff by like I'm not I'm not cool I always thought the same thing I'm a fucking cool progressive fucking guy I don't need any of that shit and then it's like no you're a fucking late blooming coward who has to see everyone else do it and see that they are fine and then you're like

oh, I guess I can do it too now. Yeah. Because then what's the other, what are the other options? Be one of those, be a guy with hair plugs trying to fuck the hostess at a sushi restaurant. I don't want to be that guy. You know what I mean? Like I want to, I want to fucking, and you know, so yeah, I guess I'm definitely going through that crisis. But I will say the other element is like, I do want a connection to Greek stuff. Like the older I get, the more I feel like a,

Like what we said earlier when the podcast started, it scares me to think that in two generations I'll have someone in my bloodline will be named Dylan. Totally.

You know what I mean? Like, that shit fucking scares me, dude. I'm naming my son, like, Socrates. I'm literally naming him Dionysus. I'm naming him Dionysus. Like, he's getting... My kids are getting Greek-ass names if I have kids, without question. And they're learning Greek. They're going to fucking Greek school. Like, I've got... That is in me, dude, fully.

It's kind of crazy. I never expected that, but it's there. No, I feel completely this. I mean, I'm like, I also know now, I mean, you know, who knows what will happen in the future, but like I've been in a relationship for over three years. I've,

probably we will be together, you know, uh, for the long haul. And he's not Greek. And I'm no, like I'm a, I'm not attached to Socrates, but like, yeah, I at least want it to be like a name that could be Greek. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, even just like John, like Yannis, you know, fine. That's good. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a Yanni in the, yeah. In the zone. Um,

But I am like, no, I'm going to speak to the kids in Greek when they're just with me. And then you can speak to them in English. No, I'm literally thinking about this. I'm brushing up on my Greek. I'm going to get more... Because I'm fluent, but I never speak it unless I'm in Greece. And it's just like, it's this weird shit where you're like... And even, I'll be honest, I'm even like... It's like, and you don't control any of it. Because I'll see...

I find myself getting more attracted to girls that I'm just like, that's, those are great. Like curly hair, fucking schnoz. You know what I'm saying? Like tan. Like I find myself being like, damn, I want to fuck those girls more. And it's like on a fuck. I'm an animal. I'm a pure Greek animal. When I go back to Greece and I look at Greek men, I'm like, wait, I could not, I would be like taking my pants off. Do you feel that same way about Michigan? Yeah.

No, not even a little bit. Well, honestly, okay, this is kind of sad. I think I do. There's something when someone looks like a suburban father, I'm always like, give me, give me, give me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe it's just true. That makes sense. I mean, when you were saying you want like the sitcom life, I was like, yeah, I want that too, except I'm the little wife. Yeah.

I think you can get that, pal. I believe in you. Yeah, no, that shit is fucking... That is fucking wild, but I don't know. That is the dream life. I want to spend a little more time in Greece and...

just have that be there like a few months and shit are your siblings and stuff they are they here they're not in greece so one is in fact in new york which is uh she moved here recently that's exciting um and the other one lives in munich in germany oh wow um and then i mean at this point even my i guess most of my cousins are in greece uh

But I mean, you know, when we go back for Christmas or something, no matter where everyone is, people congregate there. So it's as though they are there. Do you like everyone in the fam? Yeah, I do. I mean, I don't know. It's tough because of the gay thing, honestly. But not because anyone's homophobic. Because it's because of like the silence around. Like it's very strange. Like it really like no one in my family is homophobic. No one, when I was growing up, no one said anything homophobic.

There is something where like I sort of when I hadn't decided how I was going to deal with telling people. Yeah. I sort of like disappeared from the extended family for like seven years and then like reappeared. Gayer. I reappeared. Never came out to anyone. But it's sort of like, yes, at this point, everyone people have like talked and people know. Right. But it's not a not really exactly addressed. Yeah.

And so I don't know. It's like weird. But I mean, you know, but with like my parents and my sisters, it's normal. With my cousins, it's normal. It's fine. I think that's a pretty normal. Yeah. I feel like that's kind of how my experience was too. Totally. Okay. I mean, I do think that's normal for many people that live in, yeah, like the south or the Midwest or whatever. Just a quiet acceptance. Yeah. There's that pause where it's like everyone's like excited. Like, how's Mark? How's Sarah? How...

and how are these things for you? Like, that's the moment that I think is kind of weird, but like everyone, nobody really gives a fuck. Yeah. They just, you could see their expression change when they're going down the chain and they even spot you and they're like, how am I going to get out of this? You know, like, how am I going to get out of asking when you... Well, it's also like, the gay thing is the first thing. Then it's like, I'm the only person in my entire family who isn't like a doctor, engineer, or like...

You know, whatever. You got the defective gay genes. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Those art-focused genes. Spending all that time thinking about cock, not doing equations. Two plus two equals whole? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. So, yeah. No, but I love going back. Yeah. Yeah. And. But that's nice that you get along with your family. Like, you don't have any of those. Oh, no. My new. Yeah. Like, my mom and dad are great. Like, you know, they, like, love my boyfriend and they have. We've gone on vacation with him. And then your grandfather would have been thrilled. He's Jewish. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, who, by the way, I wasn't out to. So it's very funny for my mom to be like, he would have loved that you were Jewish. Maybe that would have softened the blow to your grandfather. He's like, hey, George is gay. Bye. My friend's Jewish. Good news. Hit that, spin that dreidel. Do you like your family, Sam? Yeah, I like my family. That's cute. Yeah, it's good. So there's no like escaping to New York thing?

So you don't have the, like, you know, because I feel like that's half the gay guys in New York is, like, they got the traumatic leaving here and, like, you know, a drag queen adopted them. And they're like, you know, like... No, it wasn't that dramatic. But it was, I mean, like, that was probably more motivation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it was sort of like...

I need to be away from everyone for a while. Yeah, yeah. It really is that sort of like... From the ages of 18 to 25, let's say, you actually need to not... You do need to escape. And then you can sort of like return on your own terms. Interesting. I feel like that was my experience. Like... Huh. And it wasn't even anyone else's fault. Like... But I think...

It's so jarring being different and feeling like you have to explain that to people. You're like, let me figure it out first on my own. Right, right. And then I'll come back and then I'll be confident enough that it won't hurt me if you say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were right. And we were right. No, I truly have no regrets. I was also extremely brash. I was just sort of like, you guys don't get me and that's fine because I'm a genius. Yeah, yeah.

And it was like so stupid. Yeah. It also took me forever to come out to my parents in just like a way that was like, like grow up. Like it was like. What'd you do? I just like literally, I was like 25 when I came out to my parents. Oh wow. And they're like, get it over with. They're like. Like they knew, they like. Finish the interpretive dance that you've been planning or whatever. Well, I actually literally sounded like that. Like I was like, so I know you guys know. Yeah.

And it's like, could I just not be a bitch for like half a second? Yeah.

Just truly go through this emotionally difficult moment that's important in your life? No, literally being a bitch. I'm sorry, though. What are you going to do? There is nothing worse than coming out to your... I know, obviously, this is a plot of many films. But it's just like the idea that both Sam and I had to literally sit our parents down and tell them we're gay is insane. It's so humiliating. It's so humiliating. Yeah. So I think... Because it does feel like...

At least I feel like there is a bit of a movement or at least like as more people that don't give a fuck have kids that I have heard more and more stories of someone trying and the parent being like, come on, we got it. It's all good. Yeah. So you think that's good? That's like a nice little. I think so. Yeah. It's better. It's obviously better in the long run. Is there a part of me that's like old and bitter?

them bitter and you need to suffer. If I paid my student loans, no, no, no rescue for you. Like that vibe. Yeah. And also like, I mean,

I guess it's the same with any subculture, but it's like if gay culture is mainstream, then that sort of takes away from like the excitement of like... That's why people are sucking each other off on the dance floor now. It's true. They got to keep up in the ante. They got to stay sub. It's true. And I do... You know what? That makes me actually feel way better about it. I'm going to go do it soon. Yeah, you got... It's either that or bros. The mood...

I think gross has the power to turn back time quite a few years. Oh, my God. Fuck. Fuck, I felt like I had a follow-up. Oh, that's an interesting idea because what you're saying about just having to disappear, I kind of naturally did that, but because I hated my family at the time. Oh, really? For other reasons, right? Like, it's like, you know, it was just like, I mean, this is, please do not even think I'm...

being like, you know, coming out of the closet's hard, but I had to sit down and tell my parents I was a comedian. You know what I mean? No, but I know what you mean. But on an immigrant level, there was like, I was the smart one in my family. I went to school on scholarship. My dad was a fucking dumbass who had run up debts, who was like,

pinning all his hopes on me becoming a lawyer or something. And I was just like, oh yeah, I'm not doing any of that. And everything you thought was going to happen, my life is going to be completely different. I'm going to go, you know, I live with some friends. That's also not a Greek thing to do. You usually move home until you get married, essentially. Oh yeah, living with roommates is like being a drug addict. They don't understand it. Yeah, yeah, truly, truly. They're like, what? You're going to like...

Even in college, I went to a school that got me a scholarship. So I would be like, well, yeah, they're paying for the dorm. So it would be like I wouldn't have to have that conversation with my parents. And then, you know, I lived with some friends. I moved back home to save money because, you know, I just fucking had to for a while. But then I moved back out. And except for that, like, year where I lived at home, it was like,

I am in college. I'm with my friends. I'm having... And then I moved in for a year to save money. Got a place in Baltimore. And then I just fucking went to New York. And when I didn't live with my family from those years, from the years like 18 to 20... I think I moved to New York when I was 26. Yeah.

I literally, I didn't see my, I see my parents, my, I talk to my mom more now that I live in New York. I see her more now that I live in New York than when I had roommates in Baltimore when I was an open mic-er doing fucking, you know, driving to D.C. Because I felt like I was like, all this immigrant guilt is such a fucking like, they really, it just,

It controls every part of your thought. 100%. That I was like, I can't be around these fucking people. I have to decide what I actually truly want. And now, you know, and then I went to therapy, all this kind of shit. I have a good relationship with almost everybody but my dad and my family now. And, but yeah, I went through that same thing, so. No, I think that. I kind of face similar oppression, I guess. Yeah. No, but I. That's what I'm getting at. I really do. Yeah, you can say that, guys. Yeah. And I have been. Yeah.

I'm way ahead of you on that one. No, the immigrant... Unlearning the immigrant stuff is actually, in many ways, shaped my life more than being. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is fucking... And also the whole thing of disappearing and coming back is like, okay, you know in your heart that you will do something in comedy, but they can't see that yet. So you're like, well, I will at least...

get to point A so that they can at least see that this is something. I will give my mom a lot of credit. She, cause she, my mom, I don't know if your mom's like this. My mom thought I was the smartest little boy of all time. Like Greek moms just fucking fully. And I was first born, first born, first born after they, they took them like 10 years to have a kid. So I was like the fucking gold. And I was like very precocious. Like I was the kind of kid that's,

speaks full sentences at nine months old. Like I was this cute little infant who literally was saying, dropping F's by the way. I was like a baby that was cursing and like being hilarious and just like, you know, saying. They were like, you're going to make a great lawyer. Yeah. Yeah.

And my cousin came to visit from Greece and just taught me every fucking profanity there was. Like an eight-year-old with his little one-year-old. It was just whispering, telling me how to say pussy in Greek. Yeah.

And so I think she, she, so she thought I was wasting my talents doing comedy. Sure. And then she, the year I lived with him, I was a paralegal, worst paralegal in the world. I didn't do shit. I literally did not. There was a one day where I listened to an eight hour podcast about the Roman Empire at work, like a full eight hour podcast instead of doing literally nothing.

But I was... Government worker vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they were a foreclosure law firm, so I was like, I'm not helping them, and we'll see how long it takes for that. Oh, you were being active. I'm Robin Hood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a hero. But she saw that I would wake up, as much as I didn't give a fuck about this job, I would go, I would get in, go to 6 a.m., I would drive home, eat dinner in a half hour, shovel food in my mouth, and drive straight to D.C. to do open mics. And she was like, oh, he's not just getting high and hanging out with his friends. Like, I was actually, and so she, once she saw that I was working hard, even though it was something she didn't give a fuck about, she turned the corner. Whereas my dad was just like, what? What?

I can't make money. You got to fucking pay off the debt. I've been going on vacation. I've been taking out loans to go on vacation. I need you to make money fast. He just thought your children owed you money. Well, not just owed you, but I don't know if your parents were like this, but there was a sort of vibe as though kids are like, it's like you invest in your kids and then you see a payoff. Yes, exactly. Fully. And by the way, my dad was not...

to tending to the investment. You know what I mean? It wasn't like I didn't really fucking get a lot of support. But, you know, what are you going to do, Greek? So you like both of you? It's rare to get an immigrant that loves both their parents. I mean, listen, like, again, as I was saying before, it's like the importance of family was drilled into me to the point where I'm only now, I would say, in the past five years, really like...

prioritizing them and like taking time off work to go see them and like they came over for Thanksgiving which they had not been back to the states in like I don't even know how long yeah yeah yeah but yeah it's all part of

I don't know. It's crazy. I mean, I've... After not going to church for like 15 years, I have now been to church for Easter for the past three years, which is insane. Like, and not something I ever expected to do. Easter's fine, though. You can fucking do the candles. Yeah, exactly. It's just like... It's... I mean, you're sort of like, well, what is...

What am I replacing those old traditions with? Going to a gay bar? Yeah, I can do that too. It's not like I found some new rich culture that I'm part of. No, I guess that's my thing I'm still trying to figure out. I don't want the church shit involved. There's so much other Greek shit to do. But yeah, going and lighting the fucking candle on Easter. It is literally 15 minutes on Easter. No, I would never. I'm not sending my kid to fucking church. No, no, no, no, no. I would never and I don't.

care about it. Yeah. But it is, it's still a pretty good church experience. You got the incense, the fucking stained glass window. We do have the best church. That's the thing. That's the other thing is that I'm sort of like, even though I am not religious and I don't care about it, then when it comes to, when I talk to like a Catholic person or something, I'm like, please.

Please. Yeah. Talk to me when you had a Greek Easter. Yeah, yeah. A Greek Easter. Talk to me when, like, we let our priests get married so they don't fuck the kids. Oh, my God. My mom's favorite talking point is, like... We crushed Catholics on that. No, it's true. They got no... There's nothing you can come back at us. Our priests get pussy. Cool. That's fucking cool. And they don't fucking fuck children. Well, it's just like a job. Double... Even cooler, if you ask me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They can just like have a family and kids and then go to their job. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

I don't know. You religious over there? Oh, God, no. Sorry. I'm like, yeah, I can't... I don't have anything to add. Well, you weren't really raised religious. No, I wasn't raised religious. Oh, interesting. What kind of parents are we talking? They're like pretty... Just regular-ass motherfuckers? They're pretty regular-ass motherfuckers. They're like... Like, we went to, like, an Episcopal church a few times. Gotcha. But we moved a lot, and I think they just kind of got lazy on, like, finding a church. Yeah.

And it didn't matter if they were like, whatever. And Sundays are great. You don't want to give up. Like, it's crazy to me the idea that my mom was waking up to get us dressed.

What the fuck? My Sunday, I mean, my dad, in classic piece of shit dad fashion, didn't go to church but told us we had to go every week. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Whoa. That is classic dad. But, like, my mom was fucking doing all the work. Like, to add another errand for me to send my kids to do something on a Sunday, Sundays are some of the best. Sunday mornings are the best of all time. Better than Saturdays. Without question, the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it means more. Because that night is sneaking up on you. And you know, Sunday mornings are the last little tidbit of the weekend. It's the only true part. I tried to go to a youth group thing because it was like, you know, they made it seem really cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody went and it was like, oh, and they have basketball and they have video games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, I'll check it out. Yeah. And I truly...

had no idea I was even gay yet but it was like we were in a group of like eight guys in like with a like cool counselor and he was like today was amazing so why do you guys think people choose to be gay and everyone went around and answered I was literally like you got a belly full of fucking Kool-Aid jammers you've just played laser tag laser tag all fucking afternoon they're like so what's the grossest part about gay people to you

I remember literally being like, well, maybe they're afraid of getting rejected by girls. That's so funny because my grandma, when Mike Fuzzin finally came out to her, and by the way, another hilarious thing is like, if you wait too long to come out to a grandparent, you're going to have to do it every two weeks because they fucking forget. Her reaction to my cousin marrying a woman was like,

oh, I guess she couldn't find the guy. Literally. And she wasn't even mad. She wasn't homophobic about it, but she was just like, I guess she could. First it was like, oh, they're letting girls do that now was her first thing. And the second was like, I guess she couldn't find the guy. And she's still cool with it, which is kind of weirder than being hateful. It's like kind of more disrespectful. Yeah. It's like, oh, this is a failure. It's the things that grandparents will say to like,

It's different prejudices than you can even imagine or different mindsets than you can even imagine. I think at one point my grandmother thought that I wasn't dating girls because my dick didn't work. And I think she maybe told that to my mom.

And she was like, you know, I want to be respectful. We won't mention it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's getting plowed in his ass because his dick don't work. We all know that's how it goes. Was that one of the answers of the youth group? Maybe their dicks don't work. Maybe their dicks don't work. Their dicks don't work.

Because they like hanging out with their guy friends too much? Yeah. I was so much more creeped out by like... When we lived in America, I was so much more creeped out by like jingoistic American stuff than I was by religious stuff. Like one time I... Like...

what is it, Cub Scouts for like a month. Yeah. And I was like, why are we singing the national anthem every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like shocking. Oh, that's true. I was like, at least church is based on something. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. It's based on an older bullshit thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A lie that's been from 3,000, from 2,000 years ago. Well, he was resurrected. Yeah. Yeah.

He is risen. Yeah. Well, this is beautiful. I think we've got a great, the great back. I've been having such a good time. We've fully gotten your guys' background. Let's answer some questions. What do you guys think? Oh, my God. I can't wait. You ready to solve some problems? We love giving advice. Thank you. This is great. We got our first Greek guest, our, I don't know, fourth and fifth game. We've had a few games. As long as you're keeping count. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a spreadsheet, believe me. You guys are really bailing me out here. Yeah.

Hit us with it, Eldis. Stobby, baby. First off, thank you for doing the Lord's work. Every fucking time. This happens every episode. Wow. It's his job. He got it right once, and then I was like, part of me was a little sad, but then I don't know why I thought he wouldn't continue to fuck it up. So we're back. Folks, if you listened to last week's episode and Eldis did it right, don't worry. We're back. We're back to normal.

Stavi, baby. First off, thank you for doing the Lord's work, taking calls from us low-life dirtbags and sharing your wisdom with us. You are a saint. Wow, thank you, pal. I come to you today because I know you're a legend in the bedroom. I'm 38, my wife's 40.

She's hitting her sexual peak and it's been fucking awesome because she's always thirsting after the D. However, we aren't that freaky. Other than some good oral both ways and some hard pounding, we don't get too wild. So I'm wondering your advice for stepping up our freak game a little. Neither of us are interested in butt stuff. I'm not trying to change my identity to some kind of leather clad gimp on a leash. But just thinking about leveling up a bit and having a little more fun in the sack.

don't get me wrong the sex has been very good and we are both having fun just want to add a little to the bag of tricks if you know what i mean sure i know some of the mouth breathers you got calling in either don't give you enough info to give any real advice or they drone on and on so i hope i hit the sweet spot for you to be able to impart some of your sage wisdom thanks again sob loving the pod okay i will just a quick

I like this guy clearly wrote this out. Thank you for taking this seriously, pal. Hit right around the minute. Could you have cut a little in the beginning? Sure. Let's try and stay under a minute. But I agree. Yes, I like you, pal. You're doing a lot better than most of these to use your own terminology mouth breather. So thank you for taking the call in seriously. I also want to point out he sent this at 8.53 a.m., which is just...

So tasteful. He woke up, he had his coffee. Woke up. Had his little croissant flakes out of his mustache. And he was like, let me. He read it out loud to himself twice and then he called in. Okay, so we've got a man whose wife is hornier than ever at 40. That sounds pretty cool.

And he's struggling. He's struggling to keep up with how much pussy his wife is throwing at him. And he's really struggling with ways to fuck his wife's pussy is what it sounds like. He likes he's down for oral and hard pounding, but he wants to switch it up.

I'm sort of, what I'm not getting is what he actually wants. Like, it's almost like he's, like, got any ideas for things I could do. He wants me to tell him how to fuck his wife. Yeah, so I think there needs to be some, like, brainstorming on his part. Like, sitting down and journaling and being like, okay, what do I want? Like, ideally, let's say nothing was off limits. What would I want to do? And then work backwards from there. It's like the artist's way. Yeah.

He needs to be sort of doing his morning pages. Instead of messaging you, he should have that cup of coffee and be like, so what horny thing do I want to do today? That's a great point. The care you clearly put into this voicemail, put into fucking your wife. Think about that. Think about that. How do you want to fuck her? Because you're right. He doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to be a gimp. He doesn't want to do butt stuff.

Which, come on, man. I know you didn't know who we were having on, but it's kind of offensive. Pretty offensive. Also, I have to say, you can't start out from a negative place. You can't start out with what you don't want to do. Start out with what you do want. Because it feels a little, I know this is cliche to say, but it almost feels a little shame-based. No, you're absolutely correct.

His voicemail is a lot of shame stuff because he's like, we had a good thing going due to the late stage sexuality of women.

I have to now fuck in a different way. You know, he's being shaken out of his comfort zone. And I think you're right. I think that's great advice. Don't start from the negative. So you're not in the, you know, what do you want to do? What do you, I mean, if I'm reading into like sort of the subtext of like emailing you or calling you about how to fuck his wife, I might actually just like cuckold replay. Oh, interesting. I will be two words. Yeah. What is it? I,

I don't know that I want you in the room, but you can sit in my living room while she sucks my dick in the studio. That would be fine for me. Because then she's getting her sexual needs met. He doesn't have to do the work. Sure. But maybe it's still a little turned on by it. Yeah. And by the way, not to sort of state the obvious, but also maybe talk to her about what she wants and communicate and come up with ideas together. Because she might have fantasies that she's not telling you because she herself is ashamed. Of course. And to get over that shame, I think...

You know, something that I saw once at a little vintage store called Spencer's Gifts was this dice that you roll that actually says sexual thing to do. Yeah. And you know what? That does sound stupid, but I bet that would be a little freeing for this guy. I actually bet it would help. I think it would help because it's like... Because the shame is in like...

your idea being rejected. Exactly. If it's the Dice's idea. Yeah. Yeah, go to ChatGBT and ask it. How should I fuck my wife? It's always really vulnerable. I'll just pull up ChatGBT and give it to her. Well, should we start doing AI? Honestly, you should just copy and paste that question to ChatGBT. Oh, yeah. You need to log in. Never mind. Oh, great.

Forget it. We're anti-AI on this podcast anyway. So I don't know. I mean, just if I had to guess a couple things...

I mean the classics honestly I love a woman with dumb hair you throw a pink wig or some fucking makeup almost like role play well like that's the very easiest way to do is what you already do but in a fun little outfit that's step one you know I was even saying maybe like a public place or something like do it in your car do it like somewhere

We are dance floor again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it in a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Balcony. Balcony. You know, just a semi-private kind of shit. Like, the smallest stuff is like, do what you normally do with a little twist on it. Do a little journaling. Think about how you want to fuck your wife. And then even maybe literally get some Spencer's, you know, some dice. I mean, the classic thing is you don't want to be a gimp, but do you want to...

Does she want to be thrown around a little bit? Does she want to be tying up, choking? I mean... I also think if you're just like, I don't want to be a gimp, then maybe that is what you want. Oh, you're so right. Dude, buddy, yeah, that's a good point. Think about what you really want to don't do and then why your dick is hard while you're thinking about them. Yeah, it sounds like you're going to be a gimp doing butt stuff. LAUGHTER

Which sounds kind of fun. Try it out. I say, yeah, you know what? I've changed my advice fully. Be a gimp. Do some butt stuff. Which she's not interested. We endorse that message. Hit us with another one, Big Eld. Hey, Stavi. I got a...

A bit of a thing that I've been going through. So about like 15 years ago, I donated my semen to some close friends of mine. And there are two women. They're still together. And we agreed that I would never tell the kid that I'm his dad. And, well, I mean, I was cool with that.

But now I'm like close with the kid. And, you know, we talk about a lot of struggles that he goes through and him not having a dad and stuff. And I'm just wondering if I should...

Uh, tell him I haven't brought this to the mothers yet. But me first, motherfucker? I'm wondering if I should. I don't think they would be okay with it. And I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with this kid. I struggle to call him my son because I don't think it's right for me to

I didn't raise him. Well, there you go. But I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about a lot. Love you guys. Love you. All right. Later. Okay, pal. Before you guys take a crack, sorry. I just got to. No, please. You beat off into a cup 15 years ago for your friends who raised a child. And now you've had a couple nice chats with them. And you're like, maybe I am his dad. Yeah.

I know the feeling and the kids talking about struggling, but it's like, come on, dude. You know the answer to this. It would make you feel good and it would make his moms feel like shit and you would be betraying their trust and the agreement that you had.

It's not like you fucking paid for this little cocksucker's college. It's not like you were fucking changing his diapers. You're not doing... You know what I mean? If you start doing some fatherly shit, then I'll listen. But you popped up. He told you he didn't have a... You know, he's talking about the struggles of not having a dad. By the way, he has two moms. He has a fucking family. And he's getting made fun of at school. And so now you're like, well, maybe this is my opportunity to...

And, first of all, who are you? Would you be the kind of dad that would even be good to have? It's like, oh, yeah, my mom's friend's Tim, who fucking has roommates still, that's my dad. Like, do you have roommates? Because if you do, don't tell him you're his dad. Let's start there. You got to be successful and do some dad shit for you to even start thinking about this shit. Because finding out some guy...

who does not have his shit together, is his dad, is not going to alleviate everything from a getting bullied perspective. And it might be cool in the short term, but what happens when his moms scold him for doing something bad and he shows up at the duplex you share with a fucking punk band? What happens then?

Do you know what I'm saying? You're going to take him in. You're going to be like, hey, yeah, there's some leftover Chinese you can have. But Eric's got dibs on the fucking General Tso's, though. So anything other than the General Tso's, you're good. Is that where you're going to heat up some fucking hot and sour soup to put in his fucking little lunchbox? Are you ready for that, motherfucker? Because if not, don't fucking say shit.

Anyway, that was just kind of... That was the most worked up I've seen you all episode. You're like, Auntie Dad sentiment really jumped out. Yeah, truly. Oh, I want two moms. You're like, parents should be two moms. But I'm sorry, I just...

That was my gut, you know, that's my knee-jerk reaction. I also, to soften it, know where you're coming from. I mean, there is that emotional string, and there's probably something kind of innate about somebody who is half your DNA being sad towards you, and you want to comfort him in every way possible. That's something, but...

You know, you at least have to talk to his moms before you fucking call into this podcast, motherfucker. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. I mean, and he knows that. He's not going to say anything. You know, he knows that he needs to talk to them. I mean, I sort of have an easy fix, which is just like re...

like reformulate this in your mind. It's like, you're not a dad, you're an uncle. Like an uncle is a valid figure to be. And like, I, you know, you can have a great relationship with someone that you see as your nephew or as your like friend's kid that you are a mentor to in some way. Yeah. Yeah. This obsession over the label of dad is like, yeah,

Like, open your mind. Totally, totally. Because that's the truth. You're not his dad. But you can be a father figure. Yeah. And you're only his dad by a technicality. So, yeah, be around. And also talk to his moms about this shit. Believe me, they're thinking about it a lot more than you are. But you can't let those little moments of weakness that you're feeling, which are totally human and understandable. And by the way, that's nice, dude.

pop it, beaten off, and then 15 years later you got a fucking kid you can show John Wick to. Well, beating off period. Beating off period is cool. And then you fucking, you combine that with like, you get a kid to hang out with. And he'd create life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking, yeah, you create life that you don't have to raise and then you can just fucking get wings and fucking... It's so nice that you have a good relationship with a kid too and that you think he's cool. Yeah, it sounds like the vibes are right. All of this is awesome, just...

Definitely talk to his moms about how you're feeling and, you know, find the... And also, this does feel like the kind of thing that

Don't you feel like you should have some kind of plan around this? Yeah. Even from his... Because, you know, to also give you some credit, at a certain point, they're going to have to tell him something. Yeah. I definitely think it's a little weird to be like, don't ask who your dad is. Yeah. Like, you're going to want to know. That's just normal. Yeah. It's going to be curious. So, yeah. So, I guess, sorry to get so worked up right at the beginning, but I was just imagining you just telling a kid this unplanned and getting mad thing.

But you're calling in so that you don't do that. So you should have a conversation with them about how they want to handle it. But I also do think it is their decision. Like, you know, you effectively are just kind of doing them a solid. And you got to, like we said, you got to nut, which is fucking awesome. Yeah.

Although I wonder, yeah, he donated. I was wondering if it's one of those cool situations where he gets to fuck one of them. Now, if that was the case, then you definitely can't say, then you can't say shit. If somebody gave you pussy, you fucking, but beating off of the cup opens up, you know, foot in the door.

Some possibilities. If they gave you pussy, though, certainly not. You couldn't have. So that's actually their mistake. So for being stingy, you know what? I changed my mind. Go ahead and tell them. Made you go to a doctor. All right. Well, good luck, pal. Don't tell this kid and be in his life and talk to his mom's.

Yeah, what the fuck would you do if you had like a... I don't even know. Well, it's tough. I think for me, it's complicated. If I were in this situation, it would just be hard because I don't like keep... I like want to gossip and I want to be like, I have valuable information. Like if a kid was like, I wish I knew who my dad was, I'd be like, seriously, it's me. Yeah.

Like, it would be so hard for me not to tell them. Yeah, it'd be so funny if this kid looks exactly like him, too. Like, that's another element of it where it's like, I don't, yeah, I'd like to think I could keep the secret. I think you could, George. I think so, but...

I would like to think that if it's a lesbian couple that you're friends with and you're still in their lives, there would be some sort of 21st century agreement where everyone... I don't know. Like, I know a lesbian couple who... I think both their kids have the same dad who's a friend of theirs. And, like, I was just at their birthday or one of their birthday parties and he was there with his boyfriend. Yeah.

I think it's like an open secret or an open thing. You know what's interesting? Them being both gay in my head makes it easier. Yeah. Whereas this guy, if he's, I just assumed he was straight. Totally. And if, I guess that is, there's something weird there about ownership of the kid. 100%. The guy coming in to swoop in and just be like, yeah,

That like as a lesbian couple, you probably extra don't want, which I didn't even think about until you just said that. Well, there was just, first of all, that's the plot of The Kids Are Alright that she then like hooks up with her sperm donor. But then also there was a recent, literally like two days ago, there was a news story about how these two lesbian moms, one of the moms began a relationship with the sperm donor and left the wife for him. And now that wife doesn't have legal claim to the kid.

And it's like going through the courts. What the fuck? That's crazy. That's some dirty shit on the buy one's part. It's crazy when something happens that you're like, oh, this is something that a straight screenwriter would think up and be like, this is genius. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, dude. Holy fuck. Elvis, would you ever donate your sperm?

I don't think so. And this call is pretty much why. Okay. You always be like, well, damn, I want to know the kid.

I want to... I don't know. I could do it, no problem. Maybe if it was like a... I guess if it was like a friend or something who for whatever reason couldn't have kids. And they were like, we need Eldest's DNA. Yeah. Or if it was like some shit like friends when Phoebe's brother... Oh, yeah. She had a sperm or something. I need that pure uncut Albanian. That 23 and me, they didn't even leave this fucking circle. They didn't leave a three mile circle of Albanian until you...

Oh, yeah. That uncut shit. We're purebred. Dude, I would love, I don't even give a fuck. I would love to just fucking let my nut off and have a kid that I don't have to raise. Like, in a weird immigrant way, be like, my DNA's out there. I tricked you fucking lesbos into raising my son.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, just pure fucking evolutionary, like, shit. But also, I think for you, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's almost like you think the lesbians would do a better job. Absolutely. Oh, that's the perfect way. You get the guy out of the equation. Absolutely. I would love two moms. I will say I would do it only for a lesbian couple. Okay, that's fair. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Or, actually, no. Or a single gal, a single career gal. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah, that would be fun.

And if you're a single career gal, you gotta do a gay guy. Cause I just thought of that and I was like, she would kind of owe me pussy. I would be like, I would get the fucker every three years as part of the arrangement until she got a husband and then ownership transfers to him. I'm not unreasonable.

This is like you being interviewed to be a sperm donor. It's like Sheryl Sandberg. It's like, um, okay. Huh. I get dibs on the pussy, of course. Wow. All right, here's another one, Big Eld. Hey, Stavi. It's your boy here. Nice, dude. I've not been drinking because of January, and I'm thinking about extending that into...

the rest of the year. I just don't really feel like, you know, spending the money and all that. But, um, the big thing since I quit drinking is, uh, not quit, but you know, kind of quit. Uh, I've not been very horny. Um, and I think my girlfriend might be pissed about it. Uh, I don't know if you have any solutions or any, uh, uh, thoughts towards, uh,

how that sort of thing affects, you know, your, your, your sex drive or whatever. Um, I would greatly appreciate it. Uh, thanks once again. Uh, bye. Damn. This is the guy, this is the guy, the lady who called and said her boyfriend's only freaky when he drinks. This is, this is the guy calling in now. He's like, yeah,

I mean, it's a real thing. Yeah. I feel like I know. That's interesting. I've like heard of this before where people will like stop drinking or like stop smoking. Like it can like affect your like sex drive. And I think from what I've heard, it'll like bounce back in theory, but you maybe need to like ride it out. That's really interesting. But I'm not sure. Is it a sex drive thing or is it just like when you're drunk you get, I guess that's the same thing, but it's like when you're drunk you get horny because you're drunk. A little touchy feely. I think it can be a little bit of both. Okay.

That's really, yeah, I would have never thought the sex drive would have gone, because I guess I feel like your inhibitions are lowered when you're drunk, but that's because you want it to fuck, but you're sober and you're too much, you're too uptight when you're sober. But it's interesting to say this about, for him to say that, because I wonder what that, huh, no drinking, you're not horny, and you're in a relationship. Because I've also sometimes heard that the opposite happens, where you'll stop drinking and you'll be super horny, and then there's like a

A phrase for it, but I don't know what it is. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's see. So I think if you think you don't want to drink, that's great, and that's something you've learned about yourself. And maybe you're not horny because it's not the booze, it's that you're thinking clearly and you're depressed now. That also could be part of it. That's more of my guess is like,

Because, you know, I know when I get like when I've done little dry periods, it's to kind of reset my brain. And the reason I've been getting so fucked up is because I've been ignoring something or I've been like, oh, I need to get this fucked up to not think about it. And now it's just you face to face with the thing that makes you sad. And when you're sad, you don't really want to fuck.

I think that could be part of it. Yeah, and also you're like, you're more in touch with your own body. Like, I think before that maybe you were using drinking as a way to sort of dissociate a little bit. Yeah. And... Let her have a good time with that prick while you're just fucking not even, just thinking about all the, just having, just fucked up off the Jamesons. You're like, yeah, go crazy.

Suck me off. When we're done, I'll get a snack. Like, maybe that's it. Maybe you don't want to... Do you want to fuck your girlfriend? Why don't you want to fuck your girlfriend? Well, also, I would say... I mean, this was set on January 18th, like, in the middle of dry January. Sure. I think, like...

As with any change, you have to get used to it first. Of course it makes sense that the first couple of weeks you're going to feel different, whether it's more or less horny or whatever. That's a good point. I would say wait it out and call Stav back around March 20th. I would hope by now it would have evened out a little bit if he stuck to it. Yeah, I wish we'd know. So call back, give us a fucking update, pal. Let us know how it went. Wait, also, is this fucked up? Is it like...

Even if you're not horny, can't you, like, do stuff to her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm with you. You're not a feminist over here. I mean, do stuff to her. Yeah, yeah. No, it's true. Yeah, that's true. He's confronting a lot of stuff. Maybe he's not that generous. Maybe he doesn't want to fuck his girlfriend that much. You know, maybe he's been depressed this whole time. You're up against a lot, pal. Yeah.

Hit the gym? Because it sounds like... That's actually a good point. Like, do other things that increase one's horniness. Well, you know what's interesting? Without his girlfriend in the picture, it seems like things are actually really good for him. He's getting sober. You know, the only thing that's worrying him, I don't think he would even realize he's not...

Because he's not that horny because his girlfriend is the one who's making him realize something's different. Whereas if he was just getting sober and going about his shit and feeling, because he's talking about he's feeling better, he's feeling all this shit. He wouldn't even have understood that. He wouldn't even have thought about that if he wasn't in a relationship. Yeah.

Now, if you do love your girlfriend, you want to stay to stick together, it's maybe been a couple. You're not that horny for the first few weeks. Maybe you'll get back. Yes, Sam's right. Eat a little pussy. Finger pop a little bit. Is that the worst thing in the fucking world? Beat off on her tits. You know, maybe you don't have to have full penetrative intercourse. You're not horny for that, but you can bust the knot off. Let one loose. Let her bust one, too, as well. It's not that hard, man.

It's hard to minimize. You go from like negging to them being like overly empathetic. You really change your... The tone switch is actually insane. We're sort of like an evil therapist who's like gaslighting his patients. Because you also do make really good points and you're extremely kind and then you'll fully mock them.

That's the secret sauce of the show. I tell them what they need to hear. You know what, though? That's actually very Greek, I feel. It is, absolutely. Breaking someone down and being like, but I love you. Exactly. But you are a fucking loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a grandma being like, you're never amount to anything, but you're a boy. 100%. We got a time crunch, George? Didn't you have a show or something? Yeah, I think maybe one more. Let's do one more call.

Honestly, I wish I didn't have a show because this is so much fun. Guys, come back. You've got to come back. I would love to come back. Anytime. And before we do the last one, why don't we get some plugs out of the way. Of course, listen to Stradio Lab. Follow the boys. Go ahead, boys. Go ahead. And by the way, Stradio Lab is a podcast where every week we talk about a different element of straight culture along with a guest. So a guest brings...

And stop when we have you on. I'd love to, yeah. So we're, you know. I honestly, you know, not to, because I listen to the, I'll be honest, I'm a sports podcast guy. Yeah. Or a movies podcast guy. But when I do want to, like, when I'm tired of the, because I just don't listen to comedians. My own friends, it's weird. But I have thrown Stradio Labs on the rotation when I'm like, I'm sick of the other shit. You know, it's like, let's, let's,

Let's check in. Let's see. It's very like we were saying earlier, like it's not pop culture and it's not overly personal. So it's truly like. Yeah, you can pop in whenever. Yeah. Like you don't have to. It's not about the news. This fucking guy's got a pitch. We're doing 10 more minutes. You fucking piece of shit. I mean, it's unbelievable. That's so funny. One piece of advice I'll give you. Don't hire your dumb ass best friend.

No, he's actually, I'm actually surprised. I only say kind things while he's gone, but I'm surprised at how good he's gotten at this. He truly had no skills. He worked at some horrific job. Sorry, so who set all this up? We hired a guy to set it up. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then Eldridge was supposed to do the wires. Look how that turned out. Yeah, the wires. I've literally never seen that many wires in my life in a room.

Your dynamic is that you just yell at this man. No, I mean, he's literally my best friend. Like, we've known each other since we were in kindergarten. What was he doing before this? He worked for some dumbass, like, he worked for CBS that got bought out by something called Odyssey or some shit. But he was working, like, in media. He was working in the lowest tier of media possible. Okay. They were, like, aggregating aggregators

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm familiar. Like, I can't wait until he gets back to tell you. Like, whenever the worst award show of all time was on, he'd be like, I can't hang out. Right, right, right. I have to see what happened to the CMAs. We're talking about your old job. Yeah. It was brutal. Covering, like, red carpet, aka just, like, you know, making bullshit galleries. Like, yeah, he is. Oh, yeah. No, it's...

And those would do the best. Of course. I click on those. I mean, it's so crazy. It's crazy what people... Because I, like, for a year and a half worked at the new Gawker and, like, everything...

the most basic celebrities did legitimately 20 times better than like anything that was about the most well thought out well researched piece I mean we had like whatever yeah it's sort of crazy and by the way I don't think that's bad and I think like celebrity content is fun and like

I don't think everything needs to be like making some argument about cancel culture or whatever. Yeah. Which is really important. Thank God you brought it up because it's gone too far. It has. Yeah. Okay. One, one of our bread and butters at that job was like, there was a stretch where we wrote like a headline that was like rebel Wilson sizzles.

or shows off like 60 pound weight loss in sizzling bikini photo or something. Oh, that's like classic Daily Mail. Sizzles in bikini clad, shows off washboard abs in bikini clad photo. I love that we would talk about like her showing off her 60 pound weight loss like nine months after it happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just still putting that in the headline. Yeah, dude. All right, man. You ready to go? You can press a button. Sorry.

No problem, bro. Sorry, baby. My name's Kev. I'm from Brooklyn. Oh, shit. Sorry, my connection's terrible. Sorry, baby. My name's Kevin. I'm from Brooklyn Park here in Maryland. I got a question for you. It's a piece of advice. I'm looking for marriage advice, and I figured you'd be the right guy to ask.

So I've been married about 10 years now, and my wife tells me she's bi. Nice. And, you know, I'm kind of excited, but, you know, she doesn't do, I guess, like, she doesn't act on it. Obviously, we're in a, you know, monogamous marriage. But, you know, I told her, you know, go for it. You know, I told her before.

The active jump, thinking about his wife getting pussy.

Which I respect, by the way. I'm not really trying to open up the marriage, but I don't, you know, maybe this is my one chance to see a chick or another chick or something, you know? Oh, my God.

So here's my question. It's really like, how much should I press the issue? Is my role here to tell her to sort of fulfill this as a part of herself? How much should I press the issue? And, you know, stop bothering about it. Anyways, I'd love to see you. I saw you coming through New York a couple times. Great show. You know, great podcast. See you, man. Wait, this is so funny. This is awesome. This is like, and I'm so sorry to this man who,

who I will then after I lightly make fun of will take completely seriously but this is like a stereotype of like what a straight man would say if his wife was bi like literally thinking about it only in terms of his own his own experience of like this might be my chance to see her go down on another

This is like so sweet. Like he's like so horny and like, but his wife is still in his fantasy in this crazy way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. Well, it is if you were a guy who wants to stay faithful, this does, and you do truly love your wife. This weirdly opens up a little back trap door to see other pussy. Not, he doesn't even, he might not even, I think honestly, he's not even,

I think you could just watch your girlfriend fuck a girl. That would be fucking awesome. Like, I'm interested in... I don't want to watch my girlfriend fuck a guy. Never. I will never want to do that. But boy, would I watch her fuck a girl. And that is homophobia. Well, it is. It is homophobia. The oldest fantasy in the book. Where it's like... I literally... I've thought about this where if my girlfriend fucked a girl and she didn't... It wasn't like she didn't want to run away with her and she came up to me and confessed it, I would be like...

Like, it truly... I wish I was, like, not... Because that's just, like... I know that is literally being like, yeah, lesbians, I mean, come on. Right, right. You know, like, it is homophobic, but at the same time, I...

Stop that my brain works that way. It's literally it wouldn't affect me. It wouldn't have not even just a face Just like I don't you're like it doesn't count. I'm like It's like I guess what if you really boil down to it a guy fucking your girlfriend's like whoa Somebody was using the pussy that belongs to me. You know what I mean? It's like if a girl like whoever girl does it's like whoa, that's fucking hot dude

A hot girl was eating my girlfriend's pussy. We are really like horseshoe-theoring back to like just how people talked in like the 90s. Yeah, true, true.

You're also literally being like, she did it for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even if she did it, it's like, yeah, that's fucking cool. I mean, I do think, yeah, if you're in a relationship where the guy, where the woman is bi and potentially wants to explore that and the guy is like, I want you to go. Like, it is sort of the, if that is the case and you should first of all talk to your wife about this. Fully. And make sure that this is something that both people want, then like,

Sure. I mean, if both people will get something out of it, I will caution against thinking that, like, quote unquote, women don't count. Because next thing you know, she will be literally falling in love with a woman. No, no, no. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm wrong. Like, I'm not... What I'm saying... Like, this was a weird moment I had where it was like, when I was in a relationship and we were just kind of having a conversation about...

Because I just assumed every girl was bi now. That's what I assumed as well. After like 94, every woman just was bi. And then the girl I was dating was straight as hell. And I was like, oh, that's weird. I just kind of thought they want to fuck girls. You're like bullying her for being straight. Yeah, you're really close-minded. She was like, well, you want me to... I was like, honestly, I thought about it. I was like, I really...

Would it wouldn't affect me until she runs off with someone you know what I mean? But that's it that is the caution here Is that like buddy you don't even know that she wants you in the room? You don't even know you're thinking she's gonna fuck some hot double-d Little-ass waist big big you're thinking she's gonna fuck IG models You don't know what type of bitches your girl your wife is into you really don't know like she's

She might be into, you know, like a woman that looks like you with a pussy. Is that what you want? Like if a girl was into... Like a lot of bi girls like me and I've seen them dating women that look a lot like me. You know what I mean? So it's like that... You might have that style of bi wife. And is that really what you want to check out? I would certainly, if you're going to broach this subject, start off with what do you...

wife want rather than like so I've been thinking yeah yeah yeah exactly I made us a tinder profile for both of us and I've been swiping and I'm pretending I'm you and I have a lot of support um

I think, yeah, there is such a thing as being too supportive, you know, and I think he is already sort of towing that line. Well, he's completely looking at it from the what I'm getting out of it perspective. And that is a pitfall. You could be getting... To make our second friend's reference of the podcast, you could be getting Rossed here, pal. You might, you know, your wife might...

run off with her fucking lesbian karate instructor or whatever it was. Or the wife might not, might just like be bi but be happy in a monogamous situation. She just wanted to express it. She might want to be, yeah, she might beat off thinking about girls every once in a while. And not to be, you know,

sort of Twitter-brained, so to speak. But it is a sort of classic biphobia, one could say, to think that bisexual people are more... are, like, constantly trying to fuck more. Right. And that they're more promiscuous. Right, right, right. Gay men are promiscuous. Gay men are animals. You have to break up. Oh, man, yeah. You should see, I'm sure, the... You look at the fucking...

Fuck. What's the gay island you guys? Fire Island. You check out Fire Island on a Sunday morning. They're coming through with like fire hoses. They're coming through like, get out, guy. Knocking people in the fucking head with newspapers. Scram. Stop fucking each other in the ass. We got to clean the streets. If only someone would come and do that. No. But there's no police. Yeah. Yeah.

They instead got rid of streets. Yeah, you have to go down the streets of Fireland in a cum gondola. It's just like a love hiking boat skimming. So yeah, just be careful that, yeah, I think that's, all of these are valid things. You are a passive person.

Best case scenario, you're a passive passenger on the My Wife Eats Pussy Express. Worst case scenario for you, the express ain't leaving the fucking station and she's just happy to be monogamous with you and she just wanted to let you know.

That's the floor. That's the ceiling. Don't try and hook her up. Don't be like, all right, so when am I going to watch you eat pussy? Because that's not... I think that's the wrong vibe. Take your cues from her. Don't put your own shit in here. And she might have created... If she is...

you know, approved bisexual as you were claiming they exist, which I'm still on the fence on personally, but that's fine. Different, different, different. That's why we have differing opinions here. That's why we bring different perspectives on Stavi's world. If she's one of these mythical bi people that don't want to fuck that much, then she might have made a big mistake telling him that she is because now he's not going to be able to get out of his fucking head. I sort of want to know

a little more context about how this came up. Right. Like, did she, like, sit you down and in an emotional way, like, come out to you? That'd be so awesome. She's crying and he's like, and he's like, oh, fuck, yeah. He's imagining her eating Carmen Electra from 94's Pussy. He's like, while she's crying about how she got, you know, her family disowned her. Yeah.

I mean, or maybe she herself like brought it up in a sort of sexy way of like, you know, maybe they were talking about opening up the relationship and she was like, well, you know, I'm bi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. What a simple outlook. It's sort of beautiful. Yeah. To just be like, my wife is bi, awesome, I want to watch her fuck a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it is actually in many ways extremely progressive. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like so amazing. It's like, it's sort of the, exactly, the horseshoe thing. That's how I feel about it. Exactly. Where I'm just like, yeah, I would love to watch my, my wife could fuck as many women as she wanted. It's crazy that it's the opposite. And it wouldn't bother me. It's the opposite of like a woman reacting to her husband being gay, which is like her worst fear. It's like, bro, I'm not gay.

- Oh wow, that's a great point. - This is very like sort of YouTube sketch circa 2007, like wife founding out her husband's gay. Oh no, like husband finding out his wife's gay. Oh God. - I was like George, that is from 2007, but it would still be a biting commentary today.

Fuck, dude. Can we get Gawker back on? Publish that, dude. That'll bring you guys back. Gawker 3. Hibbit the video. Gawker 3 is sketch video. It's college humor. Men be like versus women be like sketch humor. That's awesome.

Yeah, this is me and our friend Kevin share a similar outlook here. All right. So good luck, buddy. We're rooting for you. We hope your wife is into you watching her eat pussy, and we hope you get to watch her eat pussy. And what we're really hoping is that the relationship continues to thrive either way. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for coming, fellas. Oh, thanks for having us. Thank you, Stav. So fun. What a delay. So fun. Come back whenever.

and follow our friends here. Listen to the podcast. Go get tickets. Stavi.biz. We're all over the road. And, you know, Eldis hasn't been saying it, but he's started. He's dipping his toes in the social media game. Go follow our friend Eldis. Yeah, go follow him. He's got an embarrassing amount of followers right now. Yeah. Let's get the boy up, you know. We need a leaderboard of every producer.

of big podcasts. We need to get you over a certain amount of producers. Yeah. Cause I can't have my boy in the fucking triple. I got to do some competitive market research. We got it. We might. Yeah, dude. The pretty, yeah, you're going to, you're going to get, we're going to catch them all. Uh, thanks folks. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.