Dan Soder
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My friend Stavros, you're beautiful!

It's going to be back in Astoria where the only place that they're racist against other brown haired whites. Oh, absolutely. Even though they have dark hair and they're whites. Dude, Eldest is Albanian. Oh, shout out to you. By the way, my biggest joke I've ever had, Stan, like the joke that got me Conan or whatever was about Russians being the scariest white people. In reality, that was about Albanians.

That's a little behind the music for it. Wow, you hear that, motherfuckers? I was in the Bronx, and I was leaving the hospital, and these fucking dudes in fucking NASCAR jackets. You know dudes in the hood who wear black NASCAR jackets? Yes, absolutely. The M&M's one. Which is crazy to fear getting stomped out by guys wearing Skittles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Oreo and Pennzoil. The peanut M&M's was the big one. That was the one! That was it! It was the yellow, and I was like,

It was in Pensilvania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Oh, and the blue Oreo is what I remember. Yes, yes, yes. But yeah, I went like, no problem, go to terrain. And later I like wrote the joke or whatever. But my friend's mom that like lived up there, she was like, oh, she's like old black lady. She goes, oh, they thought you were Albanian. Shit. Yeah, the Albanians, they definitely...

We've, you know, this is, we've talked about it. Me and Eldon have been friends since we were literally in kindergarten. Yeah, just looked at the picture. You guys have an adorable... We have our second great picture. Maybe we'll put that on the fucking Patreon, motherfuckers. Woo, you want to see hot kids? Go to their Patreon.

Yeah, you get to see... Honestly, Eldest Crush is that picture. He's got the Ace Ventura on. He's fucking got this goofy-ass look on his face. My mom made me dress up, and I was pissed. Oh, dude, one time my mom didn't know it was picture day, and I wore my Simpsons shirt. Hell yeah, dude. Legendary. And it came back. My hair was all, like, matted because I had slept on it. Yeah, yeah. Dude, my mom, she called Life Touch. Wow. She was like, are you doing re-dos? It was just unacceptable. Because my mom... My mom, that's like a...

When you're a single mom, your kid's photo back in the day before the phone...

School picture was all you have is the photo big it's on your desk at work. Yes. Yes It's your profile pic. They see little tweaked out Dan was hair all fucked with Homer Strangler Homer Strangler Bart Totino's debris all over his fucking hair It was like a or it was like a pinkish orange shirt and the frame was like off and it was Homer choking Bart the family photo This is he

That's a banger. I gotta see if I can find that photo. Oh, we need that one. I just remember my mom being so pissed. Because she wanted me in a nice... Of course, dude. She wanted you with a little sweater. Golf shirt. Yeah, golf shirt, hair combed as fuck. Looking up and those lasers are blasting behind me. To show the fucking, the other whores in accounting. So you were dressed up and you were just... He had it. His mom probably didn't know. Because his mom was... Your mom would have you looking nice too, if she knew. Yeah, I think so. I don't know if they were even like...

That big on the family photos? I feel like we probably... On the school photos, I feel like we probably didn't buy a lot of those or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the pressing, man, because my mom was like, I'm sending this. She sent it to, like, my dad. Yeah. Like... Look who's doing it. Yeah.

Can't keep me down, Gary. But that was like a big deal. Oh, my God. In the 90s. My mom really gave a fuck about those. We have a lot of those running around. Did you see your photos? Oh, yeah. My senior photo is a fucking banger. Now, here's the thing. You guys are East Coast kids. East Coast. Are you guys tuxedos inside? Yes, sir. That's always what it is. Tuxedos, dude. West Coast kids. We're out in nature. Oh, wow.

A little dressed up, but just letting you know that we're connected still. Sure, sure, sure. Mine was like... In the mountains, up in... You grew up in the town where the fucking, the Joker shot up everybody, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The original Joker. The actual Joker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, James Harris shot the Aurora Mall up. Wasn't he James Holmes? James Holmes, was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aurora, you're from Aurora. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the Aurora Mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have a joke about that. My mom still tries to get me to go. Yeah.

She keeps trying to sell it. Yeah. Like it's an old haunted house. I love it. And look, we're going to find, this is great. We even jumped right in. This is the kind of shit we're going to, and listen, me and Danny boy here, we're going to get to your fucking problems. Oh, absolutely. And we're going to call 904, the number is, Eldis is flashing it on the screen right now. 904-800-STAV-1050.

We'll answer your shit. It's pretty awesome you got Stav. Isn't Stav good? Yeah. I had to go a Jacksonville area code for it, but fuck everything. And the 800's cool too. Duval! Yeah, no, they just... Get a little Duval over here. That'll fucking make you pop. When he sees that number, he's like, 904. Oh,

Yeah, we're about to be cut. Yeah, we should get a little Duvall here. Before we get too off topic, though. No, no, no. I just want to say, we're going back into us fucking around. We fuck around for a while. We get to your shit because everyone we have on here has a fucked up weird life. Yeah, no one gets out unscathed. And so we're getting into, we want to hear about fucking, we want to hear about fucking, you know, getting harassed as a child. This isn't about me, though. This is, I was saying, we were all talking about your guys' second great picture. Please. And this is, I don't know if this is a bad thought. You might have to edit.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're kind of hot, aren't they? You see those pictures. Don't you get hard? Well, here's my thing. Here's my thought. Oh, no. Is it child porn if you take naked photos of yourself when you're like seven and then you let them bake until you're 37 and you're like, look at this naked boy? But it's you.

I think legally it is. Legally it is child porn. Because people have gotten... My friends of mine in Maryland, they had a friend who was sexting and he sent a picture of his dick that he took when he was 16 and he was 18 at the time. First of all, hilarious to reuse. You didn't go through a growth spurt? Those have been two years. It stopped at 16. Anyway, he used a picture of his dick and then the girl's

found it and he had pictures of her and she was like 17 or something so he got in trouble for his own child porn and child porn from a girl he was consensually sexting because I think she might have sent old pictures it was like this whole fucked up thing that was the whole joke I was thinking about is you just send your boy a picture of you naked in the tub at 7 and you're like you have child porn on your phone yeah

My family had a picture like that growing up. Like I used to, I used to be afraid to like walk in the basement to pee when I was a kid. So I'd pee in this jar. We kept on the nightstand.

Real Albanian shit right there. That's their elf on the shelf? If the urine's too brown, you're being a bad boy. You get no presents. One time I was peeing in this thing and I don't remember who, one of my parents fucking took a picture of it.

And they just like kept it in like a family photo album for years. So family friends would come over. One time I had this family friend over. I was like in elementary school. She was looking through books. She was like, I saw you pee. I was like, what the fuck? This is like my dick hanging over the lip of this fucking jar pissing. So did they have to use like a magnifying glass to see it? It was a normal camera. No.

Not a high-powered magnification camera. Or your parents have known the thought that I had before when they're playing chess. Right. We just incriminated you. Right, right, right, right. That was piss porn. That was child piss porn. It's not just child porn. It's child piss porn. You're into water sports and pedophilia? Yeah.

I love that. That is funny because we definitely had like picture... There's a famous picture. Have you seen the watermelon picture with me, Nick, and George? Me and my brothers have this... When we were... I was like three and they were like... Or maybe I was four and they were two. Yeah. And we have pictures for whatever reason of us naked holding hands, rolling...

all like riding a watermelon we're like your own watermelons I think there were two watermelons maybe there was one and we took turns but just straight and it was like our family loved it because it was like why were they doing this it's so funny they took they happened because it's like there's no camera phones they happened to have a camera out and captured this weird moment of their like toddlers rubbing your gooch on a fucking watermelon which we definitely all ate at that's another hilarious thing everyone's just like for dessert later is just having we ate that watermelon laughing

But yeah, it's like this thing they would just have as a cute thing. And it's like, yeah, that really is just kind of strange to be shown off a picture of your children's penises. Yeah. And they would show it well into like when we're like teenagers and shit. And I bet it's back around now. Oh, yeah. Now you're all grown. They're like, you guys want to see a fun photo? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is technically. That's not on the Patreon. We don't want to get. That is technically child pornography. That's the photo everyone wants to see. You guys are second grade. I've seen it. It's nice. Yeah.

Watermelon doll? The watermelon and Eldest pissing in a fucking Campbell's soup tin. Yeah, dude, I love it. I love your fucking Dust Bowl generation before indoor plumbing. Oh, they were foreigners. Like, we were foreign and poor, but like, Eldest was just one step under us because they were more recent immigrants. That's so funny. My family had like 10 years on his and he was like, they were living in Ellis Islands. His grandma, like, her room was a hallway. Yeah.

Her bed was in the living room. Really? Like right next to the TV. She used to be watching TV and then you're like, shut up, Nana. She would just sleep through the TV. Me and my sister would be in there late at night watching, just like kind of whispering. Like grandma would just be sleeping through that shit. Have you lived alone yet? Like completely alone? I haven't lived completely alone. He will never leave alone because we were roommates and then he moved in with his girl. He'll never do it. Damn.

Because I wonder if you ever lived alone, if you'd have to sleep on the floor like Hanks in Castaway. Like you're just so used to being with other people that you're like... Dude, I don't... This is the first time I've lived alone and it is weird because I grew up a similar way where it was like grandma had the, you know, had the like room next to mine. Yeah. Me and my brother shared a room for years and then I got one because I was the oldest one. My brothers had to sleep...

They shared a room until they went to college. Damn. And I shared a room with them until I was 13. And it was like, we lived... And my parents were downstairs. Their bedroom was just like... They just cut the living room in half and that was their bedroom. And it was just like... And then our cousin lived with us for a few years. Did you ever...

Do you feel like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone when the family leaves him? When you go outside and you go, hello? I'm a little uneasy sometimes still. Like, I had a roommate, like we were talking earlier, we had some fucking gyros, we were fucking having some great food. I came to Astoria and the best, one of the best food experiences of my life was that I lived in Astoria for 17 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the first time you took me, I've been living here a long time, you took me to Beezy Grill and just spoke in that mystic tongue known as Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they brought food that was so fresh. Yeah. It was so good. Oh, my God. We got great fucking service. Yeah, we got great service. I went back the next time and it was not as good. No, but I was... So it is a little... Honestly, I had a roommate up until really recently. Damn.

And the only reason I actually don't have one anymore, really, is because we needed the master bedroom for the studio. So it was kind of like, you hear that, motherfuckers? I'm growing as a person for you. Yeah. Okay? This is also my old bedroom. This is Eldest's. Where I lived with my girlfriend for like a year and a half. So fucking funny. You've had fights in this bedroom. Yeah, Eldest. And then it just cuts to now, and it's like, this picture of you naked child porn. Yeah.

This is the exact spot Eldest used to get his dick sucked. That's crazy. And then you guys were just painting this mural. Yeah. We got my sister-in-law to do that. She's a really good artist. Here's the thing about Stavros that everyone needs to know. He hires all in-house. It's true. It's the most Greek thing I've ever seen. He runs his comedy career like a diner. It's 100%. Eldest doesn't know shit about producing. You think those ladies that fucking... You think any of these diner waitresses know how to properly cook a lobster? No.

Yeah, absolutely. Just had such a stoner moment and I forgot the fucking diner that, uh,

Neptune. Holy shit. I couldn't remember Neptune Diner. Neptune. Man, I got a layer of resin around my brain. Shout out to Neptune. Nah, it's all right, dude. What are you going to do? Dude, I've missed Neptune. It's not closing, right? No, but honestly, I do feel like it has dipped a little bit, personally. It used to be. Yeah. The spot. The spot was good. It's also, you were broke. You know what I mean? Oh, Joe List and I would go. We would do this Monday night show where I would bark and Joe List would host. And it would start at like 8 and go until 2 in the morning. Damn.

And I had to bark from like 8 to 10. So at 10 o'clock, but one of the waitresses would just feed us whiskey. And we'd drink beers and sit at the Comedy Village. And then we would get fucked up and come back to Astoria because we both lived in Astoria. And we'd go to Neptune and just had enough money for chicken and rice with crackers.

What a poverty meal. Motherfuckers hated us. Of course. Because we were loud. We were fucked up. We were getting soup. They wanted to sleep through. They just wanted to sleep through that fucking shift. It was like 2.30 in the morning on a Monday. Yeah. And dude, I

I will never forget the hardest I've ever laughed is we smoked weed right before we walked in and I was real fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both in your prime as alcoholics. Yeah. Like you're both sober now but back then real train wrecks. And the guy slid a side plate of lemons out of nowhere. Slid a side plate of lemons onto the table and List is just so red eyed and he goes, oh, he's trying new stuff. And I was like,

that gripped me in a way that I was like, I don't know why I find that so funny. It was just the timing and everything. That was one of the hardest I've ever laughed. I'm trying to remember, were you, it was, was you and Joe taking a train ride and somehow, didn't somebody like end up in like fucking Coney Island or something? Was that you? Yeah, it was me and List.

It wasn't me that ended up. I got off the train. Okay. We were at Astoria Boulevard. Okay. And List used to live off Dipmars. Okay. Used to live off Dipmars on like 41st. So the second to last stop and the last stop. Yeah. I'm on the second to last stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like a Monday night. Yeah. Banged up until you get through these shows. Of course. Yeah.

And we're like talking. And I'm like, all right. And we're like, by the end of the train, we're both like doing this. Of course. And we're like, hey. I've fallen asleep on a train plenty of times. Me too. I've woken up in the Bronx. Saving grace of Astoria is typically you shake awake and it's the last stop. And it's like, all right, it's a 20-minute walk instead of a 10-minute walk. No big deal. No big deal. Yeah. So you get off on Astoria. Astoria Boulevard hits. And you bid Joe farewell. And he's got one more stop. I'm like, all right, later, buddy. And...

I wake up to piss at 6 o'clock in the morning.

And it's an old flip phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I flip my phone open and it's List. And he's like, holy shit, I woke up in Brooklyn. And he goes, I got on. And then I got on the D train. And I fell asleep again and woke up in the Bronx. And then he had to take the floor. Coney Island to the fucking Bronx. So he did Astoria all the way through Manhattan, all the way through Brooklyn, Coney Island. And he told me the story. He said what woke him up were seagulls.

He just heard, he just heard seagulls. He was a stop from his home. He just, he just stopped away. It really is. It's like the Odyssey. It's like when they open the bag of wind. He fucking, he was there. Thank you, by the way. Very appropriate reference. He woke up and he was like, I fucking just heard seagulls. It's like,

And then he was like, oh, fuck. Incredible, dude. You guys are some real fucking drunks, man. Yeah, dude. One of the worst ones I had was I drank with the staff at Caroline's after a show that I was opening for and everyone was at Playwrights and we were all like getting fucked up. Yeah, right around the corner there. And I had a huge crush on one of the waitresses and we were like smoking a cigarette and I think she was pretty drunk too and she was like,

Something about kissing me. And I was like, what? And then we ended up making out. And I was like, it's happening. Hell yeah. It is happening. And she's like, want to walk me home? And I'm like, yes. Fuck yes. I walked her.

This is the most I've ever been finessed. Oh, man. I walked from 49th Street in Broadway. Sure. Right in Times Square. To Wall Street. Oh, my God, dude. What? Every time we would stop and I'd be like, let me get a cab. I had no money, but I was like, let me get a cab. She would like kiss me. I'd be like, let's keep walking. I like walking. We got to her house and she's like, all right, well, I got to go get my dog and walk it, but thanks for walking me home. What? And I was like, no. What? Crazy. And I was pretty drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was just at that thing where I was like...

No. And I got on the four train and fell asleep and woke up. Just hard, by the way. Hard. Dick hard. Deep into brawl. Just...

Deep into the Bronx. Dreaming about her sucking your dick. Deep into the Bronx. And you're like, oh. Jesus in marrow? Dude, I remember being like, what stop am I at? And it was like. You must think of the six or what? Four. The four. I was trying to think of the four. Up to 59th. Up to 59th. And then go home. Real New York shit, you motherfuckers. What are you kidding me? You can steal a city wall. And I fell asleep and woke up.

And then I remember getting on the train back to go to 59th Street and it was everyone in their work clothes going to work. It was like a Thursday night show. And I'm just like there. I know my breath smells like shit and I'm just like sitting there. And I rode the train home and I was...

I was such an L. Yeah. And I remember that I had the 30 for 30 June 17th, 1994 DVR'd. Nice, dude. And I sat in the living room drinking an Arizona green tea, smoking a cigarette. At like 7 a.m. And Vecchione came out of his bedroom and he's like, what are you doing smoking inside? If he ever saw that, he knew some shit about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you took two hard L's back to back. Back to back. 50 blocks drunk as shit.

To not get close to you. More than 50 blocks. What are we talking? Oh, yeah, because you have to cross the city. I would really like to know what that distance is. My feet hurt. It's probably like 70 blocks, dude. My feet hurt. By the way, years later at a Caroline's Christmas party, I busted her balls about it, and she was very funny about it. She's like, I'm sorry. That was fucked up. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, thank you. A little closure. But, dude, that's how much you could puppy dog me back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, we've all been there. I kind of had the opposite thing happen where it's like,

I'm in Greece with my boy, right? We're on this island, Eos, and it's like a fucking party island, right? And me and my guy are not, we're not really like party boys like that. It's all a bunch of like drunk Australians who are like, let's get fucked up, you know?

You know what I mean? Do they come in hot? Dude, hot as fuck. Do they come in and they're like, I want three things. I want porty in here. I want to take all your winnings. Yeah. 100%. That's the shit that I like to say that is, I think, the closest to being racist I get. Anti-Australian. Is when I fuck with a friend, I just tell them that their women are excellent lovers. Yeah.

It doesn't matter who it is. It's like light eugenics a little bit. It's like they're bred for it. You know what I mean? It can be any race. It can be any. All you have to say is like, you know your women make excellent lovers. Right, right. Because there's also the implication that you're kind of, you're fucking their gene pool up with your shit. You see it to Becky on all the time. To Italians? To Italians. That's awesome. Where I go, Italian women are incredible lovers. Yeah.

There was this one moment where he goes, hey, all right. Yeah. It's my mom and my sister. It's that show. Fuck it. Italians are so stupid. They really are. You can do that about anybody. You're like, oh, what are you, Australian? So, yeah. Women are excellent. But yeah, it's like all Australians. And one of the funniest, actually, I will admit, I don't know.

an Australian girl that like charmed me, I, me and my, me and my buddy on a different night, we're walking. It's like, there's like the village, there's like the beach part where you hang out and then up high on a mountain is like the clubs. Right. And it's sick. You take a little bus up there. It's really fun. Uh, but anyway, one other night when we both struck out horribly, um,

We were walking down this path. Actually, before what I'm describing, there was like a secret path. The taxi cost two euros. Yeah. And we're broke as fuck. We're like, fuck that, dude. We're just going to walk it. Walk 20 minutes. Who cares? And you're just going to go downhill. Walking downhill is an easy walk.

And we're listening to this fucking guy. This guy from New Zealand is trying to fuck this Australian girl. And she is trolling him. She's just like, Kiwi's trying to fuck me. She literally was being an Australia supremacist to the New Zealand guy. And she kept trolling him. She's like, where's your Air Force, mate? Where's your Air Force? Oh, my God. New Zealanders don't have an Air Force, I guess. That is crazy.

It's crazy to be taunted about your country's military. While not getting pussy. She's like, I'm not going to fuck you. And guess what? My people would war crime. You'll never land an airstrike on me. Because you got to have planes. You got beds. You got to have planes. You fucking Kiwi. So anyway, maybe this was when I... And I had walked the path a couple times, but I didn't know it well. So me and my boy are going out. And we really are not like...

You know, we just kind of wanted to, like, relax. We went to Greece as, like, a reset thing. Like, we're not... You're not raging. We're not raging. I had gotten a lot of... That was the first year of my life that I had gotten pussy. We lived together in Baltimore at the time. And this was when I'm 23, 24. And we got a cool... You know, my rent's 300 bucks. First time in my life... I fucked 10 girls that year. It was the best year of my life. You know what I mean? I still remember it. What a time. We were such retards, too. We were like... We...

We had spray painted a bottle of lube and whoever fucked most recently got the lube bottle. You guys had a trophy system? We had a fucking... What are you guys, the Tour de France? We would literally play trophies by Drake. The next morning when someone fucked, they would take the lube bottle, blast trophies on a boom box...

And like we would award each other the fucking bottle of lube. 23 with your boy is so fun. It's such fun behavior. If you're 39 and doing that, you're like, hey, do you have women kept in the basement? Yeah, yeah. It's over. It's fucking ridiculous. Who wants the lube trophy? Yeah, no. I'm embarrassed now looking back. But at the time it was like, you know, super fun. Great. And it was a really fun year. But anyway, so we're going to Greece and like we just kind of wanted to fucking relax. And the only reason we're even on this party island is because my...

At the time, 36-year-old cousin. This is Greece. There's no jobs for his generation. It's after the economic collapse. So he just, his whole life, his job was he would be a barback at a metal bar on a party island. And so we went to visit him. Otherwise, we're going to like laid-back islands. We had no idea what to expect.

It's so funny. We go to his island the first night and we're tired from travel. And he's like, come on, come visit me. And it's like, shit doesn't start till midnight. We're already tired. And we get to this bar at like one. We're like, all right, we'll get a fucking, we'll get a drink and then we'll just go to sleep, whatever. I want to see him. This motherfucker, it's an empty bar. He's working there. He's singing Ozzy Osbourne. He's taking the mic. He's like, he's just saying, finish with my woman, because she, and it's just like,

That's so awesome. The only person working, neglecting the customers, and singing Ozzy Osbourne. I would almost be more excited for that than a packed bar. No, for sure. It was really fun. I mean, don't get me wrong. That was hilarious to walk into that. That's my cousin I haven't seen in like five years. He's a grown man. And I'm like, I wonder what he's like these days.

And that's what his life... He's had the most... He had a great run where he would just like... There was no judgment because you couldn't get a job. Yeah. So you just like... You can't be... You're not a piece of shit. He would go there and he would like work seasonally. He would lose all his money. He would like... He would sleep in a tent. Oh, yeah.

And fuck tourists in a tent. And work for him because he just believed in himself. He had that like, you know, foreigner confidence. Also, a woman from like Des Moines, she's like this Greek man. This charming Greek man. Made love to me in his Greek tent. Under the stars. And really he's like, you're an Aussie fan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, one time somehow he...

He went to a Black Sabbath show in London and Ozzy Osbourne had like water bottles, a bucket for his water bottles and he threw the bucket in the stands and my cousin like fought guys and had it and they tried to confiscate it from him at airport security and

And somehow, post 9-11, he convinced them to just let him have like a bucket that Ozzy Osbourne. That's crazy. I mean, he's a lunatic. I love him. He's the best. But anyway, a lot of backstory here. Anyway, my fucking cousin Leonida, he keeps us up till like 4 a.m. That's the only reason we're there. He's like, no, stick around. I was trying to get weed. He's like, stick around. I got a friend. Just lying. Yeah. So that we would hang out. And he like just the classic won't let you go to sleep guy.

Anyway, that's the only reason we're at this. So we're getting ready for a night of like... Yeah, you're gonna take a walk. You know, like, fuck it. So this is the next day. We're like, whatever. Let's do it. We meet some girl. There's a bus that takes you to the thing. We meet some like American girls. And it's like, all right.

If we're going to fuck, it's going to be girls that speak, you know, like we can't really fucking Greek. Yeah, you need the culture. Exactly. I'm fluent, but I can't really, I have like an eighth grader's perception of Greek. I can't get pussy in Greek. And my buddy. That's funny. I've never thought about that. When, like anybody, anytime someone can speak another language, I just assume it's as good as your English. No, I have to translate constantly. It sucks. And it's hard being funny too, because it's like, we're good at like timing. Daniel Simonson is one of the most impressive comics I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, yeah.

Very funny guy. Go watch him. For sure. He's super funny. And he's Norwegian and came here and is killing it. And he leans in. He's very smart because he's like a good joke writer. And he leans into the timing thing by having very unconventional timing. Yeah. And it really works. He's great. With the accent. Daniel's fucking hilarious. So you're on this path. So we're on the path. And anyway, we meet these girls, right? And like...

Three of them are fucking awesome. And one is like a little, you know. Yeah, well, you need that. You know, one's a little... And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm going to just... I'm just going to try and fuck the okay one. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to try... I'm going to set my... My friend is hotter. I lived there. So I'm like, yeah. I was always...

On a great day, I'm second tier. So we're chatting up, these girls. And you know what? It's going good, actually. And I'm like, okay, maybe we are going to get pussy and grease. This is kind of fun. We get to the bars. The first bar we're chatting. And the way it would go would be like, you know, you bar hop. They're all next to each other. And it's like, so we're chatting these girls up. And it's going kind of good. I think the one is kind of feeling me, whatever. And my boy is fucking talking to one of the hotter ones. We go to like the second or third bar of this fucking rugby team.

Comes in and, bro, they are hot. I would have sucked their cocks. They're just like statuesque fucking... Shoulders for days. Shoulders, beautiful blonde, like fucking... They look like Swayze in Point Break, but jacked. You know what I mean? Like, immediately... No body fat. Immediately the first, the hot ones... Gone. Swooped up. I'm surprised you didn't see a cartoon dust. Yeah. You know, it's like them, but...

Like these bitches won't even look us in the eyes anymore. And then what happened, the way we get knocked off the hot ones, I get knocked off. You're explaining all of my college. I get knocked off the average looking one. And my buddy's like, all right, I think I'm going to get in here. And I'm like, you know what? I wasn't that into it. And she clearly like, because her options were better now, she pounced. Because now there's a sale on my guy. It's a buyer's market. Yeah.

She's like, I don't have to fuck the fat one anymore. You really had it locked up real estate wise. And then they're like, dude, sorry, it shifted. The bubble burst. So she's just working on my boy the whole night. And at a certain point, I'm like, this is going to happen. Who cares? It was pretty fun. I'm fucked up.

I wonder off. I just randomly I see this girl when we were checking in. We kind of made a little small talk, but it was like I didn't think anything of it. I see her out. She's looking out of fucking control. Like she's got like she's got like the dark lip. Her hair is curly and done up. She's wearing this hot fucking dress where it's like you just kind of only covers her tits. But it's like see through. And she like was not having this vibe at all when we were hanging out.

I just hit it off with her, right? And things are going, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, in my head, I'm like, how is this happening? And she's like, I'm like, want to get out of here? The first time you fuck out of your league, you're like, what's really going on here? And like, here's the thing. I had fucked out of my league in Baltimore with a home field advantage and with everything going my way after a show. Like, I had figured out how to fuck in my home turf, but I'm doing a massive away game. Yeah.

After already coming off an L. Like this is an insane comeback. And she is like exactly my type. Curly hair, big tits. Like this is my fucking, like I dreamt this up. It's almost the end of a 90s movie. It's insane. It's feeling that way. You're the girl from the lobby? And here's the thing. Kiss me. I waited all night. Exactly. No, no. That's what would have been fucking playing. Here's the thing. My fucking piece of shit cousin who kept me up till 4 a.m. He actually came through and got me weed. I had weed in my fucking room.

So, 23 on vacation, no one can find drugs. How old is she? She's about my age. So it's like, it's college-y shit, right? Post-college, first. So I'm like, I'm done. I'm like, wanna get out of here? I got weed, let's smoke weed on the beach. Fuck it. Oh, what? Come on. Now, here's where the fucking, here's where the error comes in. Remember how I told you the taxi cost two euros? Yeah. Or the walk was 20 minutes? Yeah.

I thought I had this wall. I was like, two euros. It'll be romantic. We'll chat. You know, whatever. We'll go to the beach. We'll make out a little bit. You're doing that thing in your head where the moon is over the ocean. Exactly, exactly. And you guys are both laughing about a story. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, I've got to come to Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I take this thing. It's supposed to be a 15, 20 minute walk. I keep getting lost. There's no path. It's...

it's like 40 minutes. And at a certain point, the walk down starts and it's like really fun and we're laughing. And then by the end, it's like I'm saying shit and she's silent. And then the last 10 minutes, she's just like, it's pure silence. And I'm like, hey, why don't...

And she just doesn't. She's like, you know what? I'm getting, I'm actually kind of tired. Like the vibe has evaporated. I am devastated. Well, you felt that in comedy when you lose the room. I lost the room fully. It's just chatter. And you're going like, hey, what are you guys talking about? Ah.

What's he saying there, brother? What's going on over there? Dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you guys want to say? Oh, yeah. Just trying to... Look, nice shirt, buddy. And they're like, fuck you. And it's like, huh? So you lost the room. I'm just like, dude, I didn't lose the room. One of the audience members stabbed me. Like, it was so done. This woman wouldn't make... We were staying in the same hotel. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. I blew it so hard. So...

Okay, so now it's been like I've left my boy. It's been like a couple hours because I hit it off with her. We're drinking. He's I go to my room and I'm just like, it's a fucking hostile, right? It's me and my guy. I just like I'm fucking I'm fucking I'm just ready to go. Forget it.

I get in there. I'm like, let me watch a movie on his iPad. And I go in there. I start watching Grand Budapest Hotel. Okay. Right? Fucking artsy. Grand Budapest Hotel. You're in a hostel. Yeah, yeah. Within minutes, fucking door slams open. I have a guess. I have a guess what's going to happen. My boy and his fucking girl come through. He just... Was it the Australian girl?

No, no, no. She wasn't on Shillings. It was just a girl from America. Oh, the girl. The girl that I, the original girl that I, the night started. My boy comes in. He sees me watching Grand Budapest Hotel. He's like, fuck. He's like, all right, I'm going to go get my dick sucked in the pool. Here's some headphones. So he just goes, gets his dick sucked in the pool. I have headphones. He just comes. They really do treat you like a child. Yeah, yeah. Put your headphones on and watch this. Dude, literally. You're like a little girl that lives in the closet in the Metallica Turn the Page video. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, would I do it ever again? Yeah. You're just like in the closet while your friends are like, so anyway. So he comes back. He comes back. He's like, dude, he was just like, he's just like, yeah, I think he, I just hear him go. Yeah, no, he's asleep. And then they just come back. I'm still fucking watching on the iPad like this. And he's just, he's slamming her, dude. And like, that's so great.

Yeah, he's doing it. You're watching kitschy dialogue. I'm watching Ralph. Yeah. Ralph Fiennes with a little mustache. My boy's just getting in there. We look good in it. Then it's like, Jason, what's his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. What is his name? Jason. I don't know. He's in all those movies. We fucked up. Rushmore. Anyway. Schwartz? Schwartz, there he is. Yeah, Jason Schwartzman's just like, well, I didn't order that. And you just hear it like your friend. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. And meanwhile, it was a rugby team that fucked you up. Dude, a rugby team. And it was just... And then, wake up the next day, he didn't want to fuck... She worked him. Because he was vulnerable. And after getting, you know, the girl he wanted... So he felt horrible about it. And then I believe they fucked in the morning, too. But anyway, it was L's all around. Because he... No disrespect to this woman. Every other girl he's ever fucked in his life is like...

much hotter. Like, that was his, his rock, he got taken advantage of and he was a piece of ass. He was probably mad, he was probably mad because the rugby team came and fucked the whole food chain up. Exactly, exactly. So anyway, but yeah, I saw that other girl, I would see her like around and I was just like, what could have been? Hey, so now phones have Google Maps on them. Yeah.

If you're out there, if you remember this story and you still got big ass titties. I'm up now, baby. I'm up. You don't realize she's got like two young kids. Oh, she's got kids for sure. No, I'm 33. Everyone. Yeah. At this age. She's going to come to your show in sweatpants and Ugg boots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll suck. Listen, I'll fucking. She goes, listen, the tits are there, but the mean ain't as firm. We can work with that. Yeah.

If you're listening, we can work with that. Yeah, dude, you're a titty cobbler. But dude, yeah, absolutely. We can do that for sure. We'll hold, I know how to hold them. If I got enough leather, I could fucking push it up. Dude, I know how to, I know the push. I know the legs to brace them in a certain way when they're all folded up. I got a fucking system. Stavros over here doing titty origami. It's a goose.

I look a swan. Fuck, anyway. Yeah, that was just a... We took a big detour there, but I just needed to get that story out there. Tough L's, man. Tough L's when you're on the precipice of getting your dick sucked and then it's snatched away from you. Young and horny, it's mostly L's. Where'd you go? Didn't you go to Arizona State? I went to U of A. U of A, oh, Arizona. I was in Tucson. Tucson. And I was just...

I jumped up a weight class and shouldn't have gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should have gone to a smaller school. Sure. Probably would have done better. Yeah. Arizona, I didn't have the money or the like, what's up, bro? Right, right, right, right. When they came at me like that freshman year, I was like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took it all aggressive. Of course. But instead, it was just like dudes being like, yeah, we're going to go do some blow. And then all the girls were like bleach blonde, too tan. Yeah, yeah. Wearing brown dutch. Not your cup of tea? Not at all. No. I needed to go to like Vermont.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would have done great. Yeah, yeah. Some mountainous bitches. Or Cal Berkeley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nor Cal maybe, but like Oregon. Pacific Northwest probably would have done real well. Yeah. Arizona, everyone was tan and shirtless and I was like, I have puffy nips. And I just wanted to smoke cigs and get high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I wanted to do.

Oh, yeah. You needed to go to a place where you could get pussy from getting high, not doing blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was, they call it, you know, when I was there, they called it the U of EA. Oh.

I didn't know that. The first time I ever saw a line at a party. The U of A? I was like, are people waiting to go smoke a bowl in that room? Yeah. Someone was like, what? They're like, no loser. Damn, they're doing cocaine. Were you there when Suggs was there? No, he was at ASU. Oh, ASU, ASU, ASU. I think, yeah, Suggs was there my... Sorry, the Devils are the ASU. Yeah, we're the Wildcats. We're the Wildcats. Oh, okay. Richard Jefferson, fucking good basketball team. They went to the championship...

Luke Walton. Yeah, he was there while I was there. Oh, nice. Jason Gardner. Yeah, that was a good team. Shout out Salim Stoudemire. Salim Stoudemire, that was a good team. Salim went to high school with my friend. Hell yeah. So I hung with him a couple times and he was nice. Fuck yeah. And he dropped like 35 on Cal and then came and got high. That's sick. You're like, you're awesome. That's a real one. One of the coolest moments with sports in my college career is my roommate sold a lot of weed and like people would come over, like friends of friends and shit. Yeah, yeah. Uh,

And one day, Salim was over there with our buddy Mike, who he knew. And we were like smoking weed.

We played NCAA college basketball. Hell yeah. It was when they did like NCAA football. Those were great games, dude. Dude, I picked Michigan State, who ended up being the Elite Eight that year, and he picked Arizona, and all he would do was just pass to himself in the corner and shoot threes. And it worked. The first half, he was killing me, and then I came back playing low. That's got to feel so good to be able to select yourself in a video game in college and just while you're playing the games.

McDaniel, the coach of the Dolphins, played football at Yale. And they put all 117 teams on one of the years of NCAA. I want to say it was like 03 or 04 NCAA season.

But you could be the Ivy League schools. Right. And so we would play... I remember FIFA did... I think one year FIFA did that with every team. That was huge for me because Greece... You could play in the Greek team. Olympiacos, that was my... And you could only play them champions. You couldn't do a franchise. So there was one year. So that must have been a huge... It was crazy. When you play at Yale to be able to play yourself... And that's your boy, by the way. Yeah. McDaniel. McDaniel's my boy. So I would play with...

I would, you know, they kind of fucked them too. They made them like a, like a 42, 62 or like a 58. Yeah. Yeah. That's my boy. Yeah. But you, I would be like, and then my other, another friend of mine from high school, Aaron Robbins played defensive end at Wyoming and he was on the game. Fuck. Yeah. Like that's pretty, that's pretty sick. Yeah. It's gotta be cool. Oh yeah. I definitely did that with my teammates. Like that would, that played in like fucking at Maryland and shit like that. Yeah. That was awesome. That was awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

Shout out Laquan, Laquan Williams. But a couple other... Silva played. We had a couple...

Pauly had a couple guys. You know what's so funny? We actually talked about this when... This is how long ago this was. You were guest hosting the Anthony Cumia show. And I was the fucking... I had just moved. And I was like... Dude, I was like pumped. Because we were boys because I was opening for Bobby. But I was like, I get to do a fucking pod with Soder. It's going to be sick. And we had this... It's so funny how like...

time is a flat circle but we were in Anthony Cumia's fucking studio I remember that holy shit that was fun though that was really fun yeah yeah yeah wasn't that the one where we watched the NFL commercials where they were doing like the domestic dispute and we're like if you take out one part of this it just looks like they're aggressive I think so where they're like sorry you fell down the stairs yeah yeah yeah NFL really tried to do that

domestic abuse thing we had some great that was a fucking good one but yeah yeah no I mean Arizona that's a different that's a different vibe but that's why taking all those L's I just went and did radio and stand up yeah like I went and started doing radio at KFMA and then cause I was too scared to do stand up there was no pussy to be got so you were like let me do a little radio and I liked hanging out there way more yeah everyone was cooler Elders you did some fucking college radio yeah I did college radio Pussy Hawk Live that was the one it was called yeah

Yeah, baby. Surprise, surprise. I was not getting much pussy in college. Where was this at? University of Maryland. With the college park. Which they're like, I mean, their radio station was legit. It was like the last terrestrial college radio station like in the area. Yeah, ours was just on the channels at the dorms. Or online, which was like no one. No, his shit, you could pick it up on. That's awesome. That's awesome. I did that. I did college radio and then.

begged my way to a job my sophomore year on like the local rock station and that was like hell yeah my friends would be working out at the at like the student rec listening to like KFMA and I'd be like hey everyone down at the Arizona rec and they'd be like whoa Jay did that when I lived when I first moved to New York I worked at K-Rock I worked at WXRK yeah 92.3 and like Jay and Nate called me coming back from a gig and they're like hey can you say something on the radio and I was like what's up to Jay and Nate coming back from a gig and I was like

One in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But radio is fun as hell, but Pussyhawk Hour is... Pussyhawk Live. Pussyhawk Live. And he had a great... The hawk sound effect was a great touch. I had like this terrible theme song I recorded on Audacity on my fucking laptop mic. Elders, we should bring back Pussyhawk Live. We should start a whole network. Just do one episode. No joke, dude. No joke. We should start a network and we should have Pussyhawk Live once a week. And you just fucking... It's the Elder Sula show. Yeah.

Let's do it. I'm down. Find all those old drops. Oh, dude. Are they archived anywhere? We should put them out now. I called in a couple times, too. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. Did you guest one time or something? I guested one time and I called in a couple times. When did you start doing stand-up?

When I was 19. Actually, that was the era I started doing it in college. So you were at Maryland. I was at University of Maryland, Baltimore County, UMBC. Yeah, dude, I did a show for UMBC with Comedy Central. Me, Jermaine Fowler, and Nick Vatterot. Holy shit. What year? Oh,

In like 2011, 2010 or 2011? No, I was there. Yeah, it was in this big auditorium thing. Wow. I got so drunk. We went to a liquor store before. I must have just missed you. Holy fuck. It was, yeah, UMBC. Because I went there. We were in Baltimore. I went from 08 to 12. So I was there, bro.

That's very interesting. I have pictures. Nick Vatterot just sent me... I didn't go to that show because I used to go to all the comedy shows. Me and Eldris went to Jim Gaffigan together. We went to... Who else went there? Fucking...

I think Chris Hardwick. Oh, dude. But like, that's what's so crazy because it's like, that I missed it is insane because I used to fucking go to every time a comedian would come to UMBC, I would see it, but I have no recollection of this. That's crazy. I'm looking. Yeah, what the fuck? The Retrievers, baby. But yeah, my- All I hear was, it was me, Shang Wang, and Nick Vattera. Wow. Which, hold on, because- Let's fucking dig a, let's fucking sneak peek.

Oh, you're by the retriever. God damn. You look so, all of you look so young. Yeah. We were just in the green room. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. How the fuck did I miss it? Hilarious, by the way. Send that to us. We need that. We need the fucking, we need that. You look so cute. You look so angelic. I got two flasks of Jameson. Both mine. So happy.

Both were mine. Soda is a drunk looking at that. Jameson is happier than I've ever seen him in my life. Dude. Now. You know why I quit drinking so I didn't become the old man when he grows up? When he gets booze, he goes. Nah, you would have been awesome. Taking a top off a bottle, living under a bridge, going.

Now it's time for some of that good stuff. Well, that's the funny thing is you had to do it for yourself, but you, from all accounts, were not a disruptive drunk. And from everything I know about you, you were probably just a fucking good time, dude. But you just needed to improve your life. Oh, it was sad the next day when no one was there. That was one day. When did you start drinking? How old were you? I didn't want to drink because, you know, my dad. Because your dad. Yeah, my dad died of it. So I was like one of those guys that's like weeds from the earth. Yeah.

so I was a real big pothead Denver too you grew up in Denver when that meant something yeah you could go to Boulder when weed meant something you could go to Boulder and get that was where Chronic came in yeah yeah yeah you'd go to Boulder to get the weed without sticks or stems so it was in your culture you were also scared of drinking because your dad I was like I don't want to drink my mom drank my her like at the time her boyfriend drank so I was like fuck this dude I'm just gonna get high and I would just get when did you start getting high

Regularly 15. Because one of my favorite jokes, and you have so many fucking bangers. Soda, if you don't know, somehow, one of the best fucking comics. Watch his shit. The son of a Gary. The special on HBO is so fucking good. One of my favorite, I mean, so many of them are bangers, but one of my favorites is the joke about how you started smoking cigarettes so young. Yeah, I was 12. But you also played with action figures until you were 13. Yeah, I played with action figures until I was like 15.

And then there was like years of overlap where you're smoking cigs and playing action figures. I told that story on the bonfire and then I like wrote that joke with the...

The actual original, like the day that I always remember was it was summer vacation, probably between seventh and eighth grade. So I was at home. Yeah. You know, I could stay alone. I was like 12. And so I was home alone. My mom would go to work. She was gone all day. I remember in the morning, USA would play Wings. Hell yeah. Wings was a band. And then they played Dewey Hauser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I sat on the floor with my WWF jacket.

figures in the ring battling yeah I'm just like just battling and then I'd finish a match you know probably have a new champ and then I'd go on the side of my house and I had a soft pack of Marlboro Reds and I pulled this cigarette out and I remember smoking it loving smoking it thinking about like fuck maybe Triple H should get the strap next I'm probably thinking Tatanka for the IC yeah

Maybe we do like a Hogan Undertaker steel cage. I'm booking it. I'm fantasy booking it on the side of my house. And then...

I remember I went in the house and I got dizzy from smoking. Yeah, of course. The first, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, oh, and I laid down. Yeah. And I just remember laying down sideways on the couch watching Doogie Howser and then like rolling off and going right back to playing with my wife. Be like, oh, oh, here he comes. That's so awesome. It's so funny doing that noise. You go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. And then the ovation, the ah.

And my lighter's slipping out of my fucking sweatshorts. Yeah, dude, and I would...

I fucking loved cigarettes. I still do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I quit smoking 10 years ago, but I fucking miss cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. I definitely lit some. I mean, Norman's wedding, there was no way not to fucking light it up. Dude, New Orleans, I got to get out of there. Booze and cigarettes. It's tough, dude. I never got to do it right. It's tough. Yeah. I did. I don't know if I told you. I told you. I was on mushrooms at Mark's wedding. Oh, yeah? There was a moment where me, you, and Katie were just hanging out. Yeah. And I was just like, I got to go, guys, because I just started getting. The mushrooms were hitting me.

Really? In fact, I feel, I remember feeling bad because I was like, you guys were leaving and I was like peaking and I could barely keep it together. That's crazy. We had no idea. Also, we were so consumed with the idea of people being upset we were leaving because we left at like, fuck,

fucking 9.30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I don't drink. Your life is good. That's the thing. You weren't chasing anything. Well, no, we like went to the hotel and watched bad TV. Dude. That's like our getting fucked up. No, no, that's, you have the dream. It's a bunch of comedians with huge holes to fill in their lives. We stayed out till three.

You were like, I'm in a good relationship. I'm going. I'm leaving. But also I had to fly to Nashville the next day for shows. And so it was just like a thing where I was like. No, no. It was the right move. I did not know at all you were that funny. Dude, I was like, I hope I didn't embarrass myself to Dan and Katie. Was I spooking you with all those scary stories about the ghost tour? Dude, I don't even remember that. Where Mark and May were married across from it was a convent.

And it's rumored in New Orleans in the French Quarter that that's where the first vampires in America were.

And I went on a ghost tour and I was like, so I was on the porch and I was like, that's the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, what's up? Dude, I don't even remember that interaction. You're like, huh? It was gone. And I was like, I think you're about to break into this convent. I just needed, I went to that back porch because we were all having, dude, honestly, right before the mushrooms kicked in, I was having such a good time. Oh my God. We were all hanging, we were shooting the shit. We were busting balls. Busting balls. It was great. I mean, a great group. Yeah. And then there was like just that moment. I was like, oh no.

Because I'd even forgotten I took them. I was, I think both Katie and I were like, that was leg one in a three leg. Yeah, she was telling me because you had the shows in. We did. So that was Thursday night. Friday, I went and did two shows in Nashville. Saturday, two shows in Nashville. Sunday, flew to Miami and went to the Dolphins game to watch McDaniel. So it was like,

You know, by the end of Sunday. Oh, that's an insane run, dude. Dude, when we got on that plane to go back on Jersey on Sunday night, we were like, what the fuck? No, that's crazy. So at the wedding, we were like, let's save a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's put some gas in the tank. That's fucking wild, though. I mean, you and me, it's gotta be awesome. You're a boy. Like, you and Mike McDaniel are like literally boys from like childhood. 12 years old. That's so sick. And now he's a fucking NFL head coach. Yeah, he didn't smoke cigarettes. I smoked cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, that's the difference. Well, he was like,

loved football. Yeah. Always loved football. Yeah. And it's just kind of crazy. It's kind of crazy to watch him like it's so cool to see a friend dominate a field that you love. Totally. No. What's crazy is he loves comedy. That's true. So he'll call me about shit. Well that's so funny too because I was just thinking that because we love it but it's also like just our lives. Yeah. So nothing feels special and then like my brothers are like

huge comedy fans and they're like we'll have conversations I'm like oh this is cool but I'm thinking and now obviously being an NFL head coach don't get me wrong much more impressive than being a stand up way fucking cool I'm not even close to equating it don't get me wrong motherfuckers you don't get warm ups of comedy and squeal yeah yeah

He throws a dolphin to the enemy. Yeah. Ooh! Ooh! Little kids don't line up to hear you fucking try premises. Oh, my God, dude. I got to see him riff once. But it's got to be fucking... That's just such a fucking sick setup, dude. Well, what was really cool is when... You know, I'm a lifelong 49er fan, even though from Colorado, because of my dad. Yep. And...

when he was with the 49ers in the off season, I would try to aim when I worked San Francisco, like the punchline or whatever. I would try to do it in like March or April when football was going around and then he would come and hang out. So, and that was awesome because he could like hang. He could like, we'd stay in the club for the Rams the next day. Dude, he's missed some of our friends weddings because it's like,

Oh, we got to play the Jaguars. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, sorry, dude, I'm playing the Jaguars. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. It was crazy. It's really cool though, man. And it's like, you know, we're recording this the week the 49ers play the Dolphins. Yeah. The Soda Bowl. Dude, I'm very like, boys, I want everyone to be happy. Would you prefer a tie? Is this the one situation you'd like it to be a tie? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I never thought about that. You know what it is? Because that is possible now with the overtime rules. I've just dealt with the fact that... You're going to be like a hot sister when her boyfriend and the brother played each other. Like Brady Quinn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that? Yeah, yeah. Brady Quinn's sister, I think, married A.J. Hawk from Ohio State. Yes. And she was at the Fiesta Bowl. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of. I remember that. I'm very hungover watching that. I remember that. But yeah, it's like I know no matter what, I'll be sad for either the Niners or McDaniel and happy for the opposite. So that's just how I look at it. Like if the Dolphins win, I'm like, ah, fuck, the Niners needed that. But good for McDaniel.

Because he's got to win that division. But if the Niners win and McDaniels, I'm like, ah, shit. Well, McDaniels still in the playoff hunt, and now the Niners are a game buffer winning the West. So it's all about divisions, baby. It's all about divisions. It's all about the division title. But we don't have to talk about it. I don't want to talk about the Ravens because they suck. They're breaking my heart. Although, anyway, we're not talking about it. Even though this will come out later, but I...

Unfortunately, don't have much hope in the current Ravens. We've choked too much, and I don't think our offensive plate calling. New coach, re-sign Lamar? At least new. Definitely re-sign Lamar. Pay him anything he fucking wants. He's a fucking incredible talent. It'd be insane not to. And then, at the minimum, new offensive coordinator. My buddy, Dez, from Baltimore. I think you might have met him. He...

Huge Ravens fan. And we, when McDaniel was at the 49ers, he was like, here's what's happened. At the end of last season, he's like, McDaniel needs to sign one more season with the Niners. You guys go win a Super Bowl. Right. We fire Harbaugh.

Then they bring McDaniel in as the Baltimore Ravens head coach. Him with him, like what he's done with Tua, what he could do with Lamar, man. I don't know, but that would just be like, I'm waiting for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if he goes, if, you know, I want him to stay in Miami for 30 years. I want him to be... Be Belichick. Yeah, I want him to be the greatest coach ever in Miami. However...

if later in his career he does go to like Philly or fucking Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Katie's always joking around. She's like, you know, when Belichick steps down, that's a pretty good job. I don't know if it goes in division. And I'm still like, well, maybe Kyle goes to Denver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't mind seeing McDaniel, you know, knowing McDaniel and growing him up in Colorado. I think a cool place for him to land later in his career would be Denver. Denver, yeah. Because he is a Broncos fan. He grew up there. Well, that's what's crazy is you talk to him now and I'm like, are you a Broncos fan? He's like, dude, you're not a fan. Yeah, it's his job. Once you're a coach, it's my job. I get that. Yeah, he's like, I don't get that. They're an organization that we might play. Yeah, but on some level if he goes back there, he gets to be a little bit of a fan. Great. I mean, he can. Yeah. He'll recite more than any of the people in the press. He used to read the media guide every year.

That's so fucking awesome. He was a ball boy for it. Yeah, damn. Dude, he's got a really great story. And I don't know if it's, it's not really, I don't want to say like it's mine to tell because you told me the story, but I don't know if it's exactly what happened, but the way he told it to me was he was a ball boy, 1998.

So the Broncos beat the Packers the year before. 98, they're like incredible. Terrell Davis has like 2,000 yards rushing. John Elway's... Remember that, yeah. Yeah. So the AFC Championship given that year is the Jets with Vinny Testaverde at Denver. Former Baltimore Ravens quarterback as well. Which my dad's half-brother took me to that game. And I'm like a Niner fan, but I was like, this is awesome. Yeah, of course. It's sick. Might be Elway's last game at Baha'i, which it was. Yeah. And...

Broncos are down at halftime and McDaniel's job was like towel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pick up towels or whatever. And he told me this story that he said like everyone went on the field except Elway who took a big, they have like fountain sodas in the thing and put ice in it and filled it with Mr. Pibb and chugged Mr. Pibb and then went out. It just won the AFC championship. Came back and won it. And I was like, dude, that's such a cool story. Respect, dude. But McDaniel would like,

I think what helped him get to the NFL was he was around that as like 13. We were like 14, 13, 14. And you're fucking smoking cigarettes, making Billy gun, the intercontinental champion. You're making the road dog and him fight. I'm giving the bushwhackers a run. And then McDaniel's over here hanging with Steve Atwater.

And I'm like, yeah, it's pretty, uh. I was just telling a story. One of my, like, because me and McDaniel hung out with this group of kids that were like, you know, they were bad. Of course. But they were our friends. We were like friends, but they were like, they just would do, they were cool. Of course. Of course. They were the ones that were, they were doing a little crime. They were doing a little crime. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, one of them knew I played with action figures. Oh, man. Like a little too late. Yeah.

And we were walking through my house. You don't want him to have that kind of ammo? Dude, he grabbed the basket of action figures and pulled and it dumped in front of all my friends. Oh, brutal. I was like, dude, you just did me dirty. And you were 14? 13. 13, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it really hurt. Yeah, no, that fucking, that's tough. But what else, what else, like, what was the...

What were the vibes over there with that crew? When you're like little cigarette smoking Danny. Me? We were the pussies. You're trying. I swear to God. And honestly, I've gotten like over the years kind of stayed in loose touch. Like Mitch and Nick will come to shows when I'm at like comedy works. But they were like cool. They were like fingering girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing kickflips. And I was ripping butts and then going home and being like, well, no one said the Ninja Turtles couldn't wrestle. Yeah.

Who sees a run? My other kid did a run. So it was like, I wanted to be cool, but I was just being raised by my mom who was dating different dudes. We really, yeah. Listen, part two, we got to get into the fucking, we got to answer some questions, but I thought we were for sure going to talk about just all the stepdads coming in and out, all the boyfriends. It was mostly good.

But the bad ones, we were like, damn, dude, this guy lives with us? Yeah. And like, you know, when you're little, you don't realize like what's yours and what's theirs. Right, right, right. When a dude's living with you, you're like, what? Yeah. Did you eat my cereal? Dude, that would piss me off so much. Dude, it was other things where they'd be like, take the glass I like. No, dude, yeah. I'm like, what are you doing? Dude, what the fuck? That's the Batman limited edition Mr. Freeze cup. Yeah, you touch those.

You're getting Lorena Bobbitt-ed.

I'm fucking, I'm grabbing your cock and slicing it off in the night. Don't you touch my Batman glasses. Christine from the bonfire, she just got me the Welch's dinosaur ones. Ooh. So now Katie and I have them at the crib. That's awesome. Yeah, I got a Looney Tunes mug that was like, I mean, my parents were together hilariously, but if there was ever a guy tried to fucking, tried to come in and take that. I had a 49ers rocks glass and one time one of her boyfriends used it and I was like, this motherfucker. Yeah.

I think I even gave the kill order on Monday. I was like, hey, Randy was a real liberal with those glasses. Randy asked to touch my privates. Why did Randy kiss me on my belly when I told him I didn't want it? Why did Randy kiss me during our karate lessons? Mom, I don't like that Randy gives me shirtless hugs.

And he told me if I told anyone that we can't do this anymore He's packing up his stuff. You're just fucking drinking a fucking coca-cola out of the glass. I go Randy one for the road It's a shame you have to go The worst the saddest the saddest funniest one. Yes. It was my dad's ex best friend my godfather and

Fucked my mom For years They dated And he was He was He just didn't know How to be around Teenage kids Of course I hated him When I was younger But now I'm older That's also such a weird move Your best friend Fucks your fucking Yeah That's some like Medieval shit Dude I call it Settler law Yeah Settler That's what I call it On stage I was like This motherfucker Is living Settler law

I hated him. And I got big enough. I hit my growth spurt when I was like 16. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like lifting weights. Yeah. Just playing football. So I got big. I wanted to fight him. Yeah. The second I got big enough, he took off. Wow. But.

He moved in with my mom's best friend that he ended up marrying. What the fuck is up with this guy? Boy, it was wild. It's crazy. He left. He moved out the day I found out my sister got killed. Like I found out that morning as he was moving out. Holy shit. I was like devastated. Yeah, what the fuck? I just remember him holding a box and being like, sorry about Michelle. Oh my God. I was like, yeah, just go.

It's probably best if you go. So the guy's like, okay, motherfucker. Oh, my God. Brutal. Tough stuff, dude. Marrying the best friend. What a fucking lunatic. They're still together, though. So you're like, well, man. Yeah, I guess it worked out in the end. Yeah, dude. He just tried to fuck every woman he had met until one stuck. Dude, man, him moving in under the guise of our roommate and then started dating my mom and then...

The power shift where I was a bad kid. When I was 13, I was failing eighth grade. You're acting out. Your life is fucking all over the place. I was smoking cigarettes. But I was still a nice kid. No, you weren't bad. You were just acting out. I was acting out and they were like,

this piece of shit. Military school, I got threatened to be held back. Wow. You had to go to military school? No, no, no. It was on the table. You know, the catalog on the fucking kitchen table. Of course, of course. AJ Soprano, take you to the meetup. For real, like that kind of shit where she's like, my friend Scott ended up having to repeat eighth grade and our moms were like in on it together. My mom's like, he'll repeat too. I was like, bitch, I ain't repeat eighth grade. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then...

It was because he would just talk shit. But I stayed at McDaniel's house every weekend. Yeah. Because his parents were cool. Damn. And I would just go to his house and we'd watch SNL. He had Sega Channel.

You had Sega Channel. I fucking had Sega Channel. I'd go over to Elvis's. No one remembers it. I'd go over to Elvis's. No one knows what the fuck I'm talking about. It's crazy. You would play any video game you wanted. It was Netflix for videos in 1993, 94. It was like, yeah, 96, 95, 96. Actually, 96, 97, because we were like eight or nine. Yeah, you know what it was? It was 96. You know why I know that? Because the 96 Atlanta Games was a game that you could play on the Sega Channel, and you could fucking... Yeah.

Yeah. Do that with the control on the ground and win with Michael Johnson? Yeah. Yeah, me and Eldis were in there playing Sega Channel with his fucking grandma napping on the cot. Yeah.

He's like, quiet down, NHL 95 makes too much noise. Dude, his grandma was awesome because she couldn't... When we say foreigners don't speak English, usually it's like, they speak English. They could get by. His grandma, we'd be like, Eldest, his grandma's right there. Eldest is there, I'm here. I'm like, hey, Eldest, do you want to come suck my balls and shit in my mouth? And his grandma would be like...

Just smiling at us. It was awesome, dude. To go to a different country and the kids are just playing pranks on you. Grandma, do you like dog dicks?

And she's like, she had to fight to get out. And she's like serving you a pastry and like kissing you on the cheeks. This is the only thing that reminds me of home. Hey Nana. It wasn't even like prank. I felt like I was just like doing a cool trick or something. Yeah, yeah. It was like a magic trick. She's right there. Yeah. Every, the first time a new person. Watch this.

I remember your brother's stuff was over a few years ago and that was like, you know, she never really learned any English at all. Never. It was crazy. And I was just like, you know, just like saying ridiculous shit. And he was like, what the fuck? Like smoothie was confused.

I have friends like that where they talk too liberally around their kids or whatever. You're like, yo, is your kid's right here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was the best, dude. R.I.P. to the old girls. R.I.P. But anyway, look, you've clearly made your bone of feeds. These motherfuckers know you've lived a life, Danny. You're ready to give these motherfuckers some advice. That's why I grew a beard, because I'm seasoned. You look wise now, dude. Honestly, I like the look. It looks awesome. I'm excited to shave it into different things.

Because I think for the last, you know...

For this season of Billions, by the end of the season, they want me to be clean-shaven again. So you can go a little bit at a time? Piece by piece. Katie's like, I might like you in a mustache. It's like, are you going to like me in a Fu Manchu? Fu Manchu's a power move. I might have a whole coke at the end. You better believe it. Say your prayers, brother. All right, so now we got Wiseass Soda in the mix. Let's answer some of these motherfuckers' questions. And as always, 904-800-STAV. And if you have to go at any point, let me know, too. I got like...

What do you got? How far of a walk are you to the train? We're pretty close. I'll also get you on Ubes, baby. Dog. You know, you know, you know. Also, let me, for the nostalgia. You're right. Walk to Dunkin' on 30th Avenue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This used to be my playground. Are you kidding me? It's New York. It's New York. I'm sorry. Go watch Die Hard with a Vengeance. Let's answer a couple fucking questions before Danny has to go get himself a culotta. Hit us with the first one, Eldis.

I really need some help. Fucking dumbass, hurry up. Dude. I really need some help. I am totally thinking about somebody else while I'm dating another person. And I can't stop. And I don't know what to do.

And I believe in polyamory. I think I might just be liking two people at once. Okay. The other person's polyamorous, but my boyfriend is not. Your boyfriend? Yeah. I could have done that.

Oh, bleep that out. We'll bleep that out. Bitch is fucking putting her number on here. She goes, also, my boyfriend's going to see this number. You call him back and get pretty pissed. He's very against polyamory. Yeah, stop. You should hit her up. I might be should. I have been dating a lot of girls in open relationships. It's pretty nice. That's like a... It's good. Am I old? Huh? I feel like I'm an old man now because I feel like I just got engaged. So obviously I'm a monogamy kind of guy. Of course.

I feel like it's always women that are just half in relationship. Yeah, there's a little bit of that. But there's also like... Here's how I view it, right? It's just some shit where it's like we're kind of just...

Codifying what it's like to date around anyway, right? It's like let's all be adults about this But I think I think our you got a main and then you'll fuck around until you're ready to settle down That's how I see it. Other people don't see it that way other people want to like live in this forever You know what? It feels like is when weed was really illegal and you had all those groups that would try to like act like oh But it's actually spiritual and yeah Yeah, so you just wanna get high right? I agree fully. Okay, so

Admit it. What you're saying is what our parents' generation did, where they'd be like, that's like the whole thing of fucking a stripper at a bachelor party. That's wild. There's no way I would do that. I wouldn't fuck a stripper and then marry Katie. And I know there's other guys that want to be pieces of shit and be like, you're not a dude, but I'm like, no. That's how I feel. But I think like,

I understand what you're saying whereas you want to... I'm saying like... Like, all right, I'll date you, I'll date you but then if one grabs you and then you have a long-term relationship, well then it's like... And that's the thing, for me it's like if they're in a main... Like, I personally don't have time for like a real deal relationship right now and if these girls have it set up with their boyfriends where they're like, yeah, you can fuck somebody while

you know, I'm like, great. And I'm not knocking dudes who love watching their lady get banged by other guys. Sure, sure, sure. Have at it. We're sex positive on Stavi's world. Have at it, hoss. Yeah. Have at it. Dude, have your lady get torn up by a fucking personal trainer at Planet Fitness. But be honest with what it is. Right, right, right. Stop doing this thing where it's like,

Oh, it's polyamory. Jay was telling a funny story about these porn stars that were in a thruple or whatever. But he said the problem with them was their reaction to people being like, whoa, was like, oh, what? It's totally normal. It's like, no, it's not. No, it's not, but it's okay. So be cool about it. You know what I mean? No, I'm with you. And I think for some people, it's like, I'm not there. I'm trying to do some material on it too where it's like,

I like fucking somebody else's girlfriend, but I don't want someone to fuck my girlfriend. So I'm okay with, if those are your rules, great. 100%. It's fun to be the pool boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're the confused husband that's getting duped over like in these brazzer scenes. But some people, yeah. It's like, what do you mean? Someone's on the other side of this door fucking you? But I will say some people, it's just like, they're also like, hey, look, you really matter to me.

Like we there is you're just like I get it. Some people explain it. There's a connection. There's a connection. And guess what? And the way they explain it is like, look, you're going to be jealous, but you're jealous in every relationship. And if you just admit that, like, it's not the biggest deal in the world to you and it's like we're both fucking other people. It's also, you know, this guy she's talking to that she actually likes. Right. I think she might. Well, yes. To get back to this girl's question. I think she might be over her boyfriend.

And I think she just likes this other guy. But the warning to her is, I say maybe go for that, but be warned.

You get got with the way that you were got. Absolutely. So like if he's like, I'm polyamorous, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when you're hitting on a guy's girlfriend, you're playing with house money. Yeah. You're like, that's crazy. He doesn't fuck you every night and every morning. And also, you're doing whatever it takes. Go be in a three and a half year relationship and fuck every morning and every night. But that's another part where it's like, that's another bit I'm trying to work on where it's like,

I don't want them to fuck my girlfriend because I know how much I look forward to fucking their girlfriend. It's once a month. I'm giving them fucking prime dick. I'm thinking about it. I don't see her every fucking day. It's job interview versus the guy who's about to retire. Who do you think cares more? He goes, yeah, I mean, I refill the coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep my desk tidy. And then the guy that comes in once a month and he's like, I have got plans for this place. Right, right.

Brother, I'm going to tell you right now, there ain't no point. We're doing a group happy hour. We don't need to get together and meet each other. Wear your favorite sports jersey. Yeah.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, also we're gonna need those numbers back by the end of the day. It's, I'm just telling her. So, Eldest, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear her in the very beginning. She is dating someone else? Yeah, she's thinking about someone else. But she hasn't fucked them or anything, she's just talking to them. I think so. But he, she believes in polyamory. But her boyfriend doesn't. And so does the guy that she's talking to, but her boyfriend. I'm sure the guy who she's talking to doesn't just believe in getting his dick sucked by her. Yeah. Like, like,

He's like, yeah, yeah, polyamory is me fucking you. Probably pretty polyamorous. And then I guarantee if they locked up, if they locked horns and stayed in a long-term thing for over 18 months...

he would not be cool with her getting fucked by other dudes. Because right now, he's absolutely playing that. Or he could be, and I could be wrong. But that's the thing. That is a low percentage. If we're working the percentages, that is a very low percentage. Where you're saying like... Actual people that are cool with it. Actual being cool with it is low percentage. You know how comfortable with yourself you have to be with to watch a dude just... That's why it's always old rich men who are like, young man, bang my wife. Well, what it always... Yeah, it's like if it's just...

If it's a level playing field and you're a regular guy and you're dating a hot woman, forget about it. You got to be a buy man who can pad his stats by sucking cock or you got to just be like rich, old, or famous, right? Like...

The only reason I would even consider it is because when you have any kind of... People know you at all. It's like working really hard and having a career where you're well-known is the same as being an eight as of any woman. And it's even... It's still harder. But it's like I could... You have to be a global sensation to have it with a woman... A nine woman walking around. Yes. Pete Davidson... Right. Yeah.

is living an insane life for a man. Right.

He's living the same life as a nine in Los Angeles. But there is a waitress at Chili's who is fucked Bradley Cooper. Or not even, but like at Nobu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just a girl in Los Angeles. That's what Trump said. Remember when they had that audio of Trump? He's like, you fucked the waitresses. I have waitresses hotter than any of these fucking people. We are going to miss Trump. Oh, dude. When he dies, we're going to miss the like,

Can I crazy just unedited? But you know what this is? Because it's like, I don't think he's got the juice. That's what really. No, he's running out of it. That's why everyone's sad about it now. It's like he's so funny. It's like watching like Patrick. I don't get old. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it feels like it feels like Patrick Ewing on the Raptors. Yeah. I'm sorry. The magic. The magic. Oh, you're on the Raptors. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, if he loses to Ron DeSantis, he really doesn't have the juice anymore. And obviously, we're just talking about him being funny, not being a good politician. He's a fucking piece of shit. All politicians are stealing your money. But he is a fucking piece of shit. Apathy is the only way. Except Bernie Sanders. We're pro-Bernie Sanders. He's the only good one. You're trying to get pussy. No, no, no.

Don't come over here with your fucking all lives matter politician shit. Stav's trying to get furry muff right now by being like, you know who's a real boss bitch? No, no. I'm not a Kamala fan. I'm not a Democrat fan. I am a fucking Bernie Sanders fan. You know who fucking Stav really loves everyone? Susan Collins.

He likes the one politician that either side doesn't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck Joe for intervening in the railroad strike, by the way. And that's Stavi's politics corner. But yeah, this girl... Just don't. Or do. What you need to know is, yeah, I think what you were saying at first is very possible. Either you're just not that into your boyfriend anymore...

And that might just be it. And this guy, you know, how did you even start? He might just be, you're, you are getting his best effort right now. Will that continue? You're seeing showroom cock right now. You're seeing the one that they come and clean first thing in the morning. So you're not getting fucking back of the warehouse. I think we still got it. Right. Let me check. Let me check in the back. Here's a Wednesday night after you guys watched the Netflix show.

I don't know. This is weird. I'm sorry. I'm not good with intimacy. So keep that. I mean, really, it's kind of straightforward. You don't. I really think you don't let someone like this into your life, into this amount, in this deep at already. If you totally love your boyfriend and maybe you do, and maybe you fucked up and this makes you realize you do. But the fact that you're even like thinking about polyamory, thinking about ways around it.

Take a look. Do you really want to be in a relationship with your boyfriend? If the answer is yes, this guy's got to go. If the answer is no, maybe you give this guy a run. But think about him the way you would think about any new relationship. Let's get another one going, Eldonce. Let's do another one. Remember, the number is 904-800-STOP. What a fucking pro. That's when you get a fucking radio pro on the fucking show, man. Yeah, give him the fucking standing O. Hey, Stobby.

So my question, I came to my hometown for Thanksgiving. I live on the West Coast from the Midwest, St. Louis.

Um, and I ended up going on a date with a friend of a friend that just kind of got facilitated randomly. Um, we had a great time and we ended up hooking up and sleeping together and, um, gorgeous. And we seem to really get along and be into each other. But, you know, she lives in my hometown. I live very far away on the West coast. She also has a kid. I don't have any children. I'm 29. Um, and I,

I just don't know if it's something that I should kind of pursue or do I just let it be a standalone? This man is living through a life. Just something random. So if you could help me out in any way, good luck getting school. Thanks, Daddy. Of course. What a sweet man. This man is living through a fucking Lifetime Thanksgiving movie. Ever since her husband fell down in that pine tree cutting accident.

Yeah, it's like, those are your options, man. Either live a fucking Lifetime movie and move back to your hometown after a single mother teaches you the meaning of love. Oh, man. You slow down. Also, by the way, the pussy must have been top notch for him to even be calling in. Yeah. Oh, this woman has a kid and lives in my hometown? Should I make it work? Imagine. Oh, I gotta go back. I gotta go back to the place I grew up and fight all my old demons. Plus this...

Half a lady. Yeah. This lady's half product with a dad. You got to deal with the dad. I would always, as the son of a single mom. Right. This is perfect. Give us the child's perspective. I would always say, scout the ex, the baby's daddy. Because if he's chaotic, he's going to fuck your relationship with this woman up. It's going to, he's going to. His kid is probably fucked up. His kid's going to be pinned against you. Yep.

I'm telling you right now, you're going in an uphill battle. Right. But if you do have a great connection... If the guck is tremendous. I mean, if the guck is... Let's be honest. What connection? He went on one date and got sucked off once, so she's got to be throwing it back like you wouldn't believe. She's got that Oregon Trail neck.

She's going to have you. She's sucking you off at a strenuous pace. She's going to have you do a reverse Lewis and Clark. It'll go back east. But you, I mean, dude, 29's a young stepdad.

But it's also, you are in that range. It's not that young. You're right. You know? We got comedy brain, dude. Because I remember the first time I went back and I visited my brother a couple years ago. And in my head, you know, it's all comedy. All our friends, we stay out forever. Everyone fucking... You have friends that are 20. You have friends that are 50. You know? So it's like... And then you go back and I look at my little brother and it's like, all his friends were married. He's engaged. He's running a business. I'm like, oh...

This is what I should be doing. So it's not that he's that off here, but it is a matter of like, yeah, do you want to hold on to your youth a little longer? Because you're in that range where you could a little bit. Or do you want to make it work with this woman? And it's like... But it's also Midwest. He's on the West Coast. I was on the West Coast from the Midwest and ended up going on a date.

Yeah. You're not that far. You're not like East Coast, West Coast. It's Midwest. And it's your hometown, which is like it gives you an excuse to visit if you want to. I would say... Having said that, go ahead. My thing is see where it goes. Keep talking to her. Put it as a maybe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But at the same time, you can't let it drag forever because you also don't want...

You don't want to like just kind of lead this woman on who's trying to get her. Unless she's not. Maybe she just, she's like, hey, I'm a single mom, but I want some dick on the side. Most single moms. I remember DeVito was telling me like he just never, he just never like knew like if his mom was ever hooking up because she just kept it discreet. I mean, dude. And it's like that. I wish. Maybe that. I wish.

I wish. Maybe this mom just wants to get her pussy knocked loose every couple weeks.

You know, maybe she takes a trip over to you. That could be a thing where, you know, her sister watches the kid. She comes out to the West Coast. Yeah, she lets her hair down, wears a bikini. Yeah, she's got some pictures that her son finds in seven years that makes her resent her. Normal stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her happiness photo album that you're not in. So I would say go to a stepdad combine, but it's not draft yet. Right.

I'm going to see your skills. And here's the thing. My knee-jerk reaction is no, this is fucking insane. Like, honestly, if it were me and it's like... But also, I'm more afraid of intimacy than this guy, it sounds like. But if there's a girl at 32 who had a kid... I'm 32. I go back home to Baltimore. I hook up with a girl. She's gorgeous. She has a kid.

I'm just like, I can't. Personally, I can't. But if you're ready, who knows? I wonder if this guy is like, you know, okay, put in some years in the West Coast, went all right, but just missing St. Louis. That happens. Missing the creature comfort. Could have stopped cash and get a nice place in the Midwest. Yeah. Happens a lot in New York. I would say it's maybe. People do their decade in New York and then move back home. Yeah, pussies. Yeah.

Maybe. Maybe. So those are your two paths, buddy. Hold on, cling on to your youth, and give it a run, or building new life in the West Coast. Or if you're feeling like, if home is calling you back like Eldis is saying, here's your option. Do it.

I wouldn't do it, but I'm afraid of intimacy and I'm working on it. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Look at us. Trying to break through. Yeah, you're breaking through, buddy. I'm proud of you. I gotta get out of here. All right, no sweat. No sweat. That's gonna fucking do it, folks. Sorry, we didn't do enough questions. We'll come back. Danny's gonna be back and also we had such a good time just fucking... Just fucking... Dude, I could've ran a two-hour right now. We could... I think we basically did.

So thank you so much for coming, Dan. I appreciate it. Anything you want these motherfuckers to hear about, to see? DanSoda.com. See the boy live. He's so fucking funny. Hitting the road hard starting February of 2023. Love it. This will probably come out either late December or January. Perfect. So DanSoda.com. Make sure you go there for live shows. And if you have HBO...

Max stream son of a Gary. Incredible special. One of the best comedians in the fucking world. I love this guy. You probably already do, but if you don't, go check all his shit out. Thank you guys so much. Call 904-800-STARV. We'll get to your questions again next week. We love you guys. Bye-bye. Bye.