Bonus #99 - Live Call Show Vol. 17 w/ Robert Kelly [PATREON PREVIEW]
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IPVanish now for 70% off a yearly plan with this exclusive offer at IPVanish.com slash audio. Oh, what's up guys? Sorry, buddy. What's up, Alpha? You're on with me and Robert Kelly. What's plaguing you, my friend? Alpha, before you get into your trauma, the name, is this a God-given name or is this some nickname that you gave yourself so you can look cool in front of the weird chicks?

It was my Call of Duty name. There you go. Fucking respect. Mine's You Stink Too. So when you kill me, it says you killed You Stink Too. And you know that you suck too, Elfo. A very defensive name, Bob. It really is. That resigns you to failure. It's a name planned around failure. Yeah, it does. What's going on, Elfo?

So I wanted some advice on how to respond to guys always hitting on my girlfriend. Ooh, interesting. That's what you got to do. Ready? Let him give us a little context. Go ahead. You're talking to a guy who definitely would have tried to fuck your girlfriend in his prime without question. I'll do it now. That way you know her barometer that she'll fuck anybody. All right. Hit us, babe. So I'm 22. I'm white.

and we live in the city together. And whenever we step outside or like go to a bar or something and we hold hands or anything, there's always black guys always glaring at me, giving me a death glare. Oh no, we've got a future J.D. Vance voter being born in real time. We've got a future fucking... Yeah, I mean, we can straighten you out right now. You gotta move. Yeah.

That's not going to happen at Squam Lake in New Hampshire. Holding us to Hampshire is not going to happen. Okay, so you're out and about. Anytime a black guy sees you with your black girlfriend, they're like, Shorty, what are you doing with him?

They don't say that, but sometimes we'll be at a bar and I'll leave her for a second and I'll come back. And they'll be hitting on her and I don't know what to do. Or like a dude grabbed her ass in the bar and I didn't really know what to do. I'll tell you what to do. Or like we'll be at the grocery store and I'll leave her for like a minute. I'll come back and there's a 6'2 guy just like flirting with her. She sounds like a bad bitch to be honest with you. If all it takes is a minute away. Yo, bro, you got to learn how to rap.

Challenge them to a cypher. Yo, I went away for some broccoli. I came back and you're talking to me. It's not right. Put your hands on my girl's butt. She's not a slut, you motherfucking mutt. Get away, bitch, before I fucking chew you. And that's why I'm going to fucking use Ying Chu on you. Oh, wow. You got to learn the martial art of Ying Chu. You got to learn how to rap, man. Eminem don't get shit like that.

You gotta spit, kid. You gotta spit. It's the only way they respect you.

It's the only way he's going to respect you if you throw a nice fucking rap battle at him. And then he'll fail, right? He's going to fail. Right. Whatever, yo. And his girlfriend's just looking at him like, when did you become this racist? His black girlfriend's like, I'm actually going to go suck this guy off now. Listen, dude, here's the problem. You're dating a black chick.

And you're a white guy, right? So when you walk back up, listen, dude, you got to date a white chick. Oh, no, no. Easy suburbs, Bob. I'm sorry. You know what? I messed up. I messed up. It's a new world out there. No, it's really that what you're describing is not that new. This has been going on forever. Hey, dude, this happened once in the Bronx tale. Yeah.

Here's what you do. Get in the car. If she opens the door for you, she's the one. If not, you throw it. Give it to the black dude. That's right. Watch the Bronx Tale with your girlfriend and just be like, hmm, this is how it should be. Listen, man, you got to respect the black guy, though. They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. They see, what's your name again? Elfo. Elfo. Yeah. All right, here's another tip. Don't tell him that. Don't tell him that.

I need you to learn how to rap. We're going to change your name. Like Jake or something. Yeah. So what kind of guy, Elfo, what kind of guy, tell us a little bit about this relationship. How did you meet? Also, what kind of guy are you? You don't seem to, you don't strike me as maybe an athlete or ripped guy. What do you got going on? And how did you and your girl meet? We met on Bumble. Okay. I'm pretty average height. I lift a lot. Okay. And I'm a little bit of a guy.

I play rugby. Oh, interesting. What the fuck are you worried about, Alfo? Yeah. Listen, man, walk the fuck up. Let me tell you something. Hit him in the ankles. Is it Alfo? I'm kidding.

So you actually are a strong, so this is, you're not physically intimidated. This is just an annoying thing you constantly have to deal with basically. And like, I feel like insecure when I like grab her hand and try and move her away or like be more aggressive. But then like, I feel like a bitch when I don't do anything. Right, right, right. I just don't really know which one to do. Don't do it. You gotta do the middle, Bubba. You gotta do the middle. You gotta walk up and be like, what's up, man? She's hot, right? Right.

Yeah, too bad you don't gut her. And walk away. Walk up. She's smoking hot, right? I did it. Yeah, actually. And grab her hand and go, don't even touch her. Go like this. Come here. Yeah. Hold out a sugar cube for her. Yeah, I mean, look, here's the thing. This is wildly annoying. But I do think all you can do is not be, you're right. You feel insecure, whatever. You just have to act like,

Like, oh, hey, how we doing? Be like, what's up, man? Like, literally talk to him as if he's just a human being and just keep it moving. Like, oh, hey, man. I don't know. It's just like whenever somebody's hitting on your girlfriend, you just can't seem intimidated or like you're scared or a bitch or anything like that. You ever see Training Day? You ever see the speech Denzel gives at the end? Give that speech. Be like, King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

But don't give it context. Just do it. And then go, let's go. And then walk away. That's good. That's the rapping, the King Kong speech. Or the true romance speech from Christopher Walken. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't give the Dennis Hopper. These aren't Italian. They were Sicilian, maybe. These are black guys. You know, the Moors. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, dude. I mean, also, here's the thing. Your girlfriend, this is the world she lives in, I assume. Guys hit on her constantly, right? Yeah, but she's a lot. Listen, she's allowing it to happen. No, she's not. What are you talking about? If she should be. Listen, let me tell you something.

She should be like this. I have a boyfriend. Please leave me alone. And he will beat the shit out of you. Any man that fucking talks to her. His name is Alpo. What's his name? He plays rugby. Elfo. Elfo. His name is Elfo. And he loves magic.

And call of duty. And let me tell you something. He's coming back from getting broccoli and asparagus right now. When he comes back, he's going to be bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you can't help it, man. You just got to walk up, take the hit. You should be proud that your chick's getting hit on. Okay? You don't want to be the guy that nobody...

There's guys out there that their girls never get hit on. Your girl is so fine that when you take her out, guys are trying to walk up on her. That's a like, you got it, dude. You did it. You got a girl that other dudes want, and she still wants you? That's cool. That's like if you rolled up in a nice car, and they walk, dude, you see them checking it out. They're just checking out your nice car.

And you're getting in your nice car and driving away and getting a blowjob from it. Dude, you got to accept that shit. If you don't, do what I did. Date a six. My chick was a six. And thank God she became a seven and a half later in life.

As you declined, by the way. You catch them while you're hotter and they're on the way up and you're on the way down. Let me tell you something, bro. I always dated a chick with a hot body and a goofy face. You date a hot chick from head to toe, you're going to wind up with alphos. Alpho problems. You're going to wind up with alpho problems. You date a chick that looks like David Letterman.

But she takes that fucking shirt off. She's smoking hot. Sure. There you go, dude. But you're going to date a hot chick. You're going to have to deal with it. And it's just a sign of respect. So if you don't want it. Yeah, these guys really respect you, Elfo. Listen, dude, you got to get a Honda if you don't want this shit. I mean, yeah, dude. So have you talked about this at all with her? Or like, what are the vibes like? Is this all in your head? Does she not really give a fuck?

Well, she said that what I do usually is fine. She said that she'd like me to say something. She'd like me to say... She said if you fight them, I'll give you a blowjob. Oh, wow. You're toast. Yeah, you're done, dude. She was like, everything is fine, though. But if you wanted to fight, then I would be happy. Let me... Okay, dude, here's the other thing. You're 22...

Right. Let's just take a bird's eye view from your older pals, Stav and Bobby here. This you'll remember this fondly as the four months you got to fuck a hot black girl. Yes, this is not ending good. You are not a fighter and you shouldn't have to be. And by the way, if this was your some it's some people's personality. Right. Like, you know, some people are more confrontational. You clearly don't want to go through this.

All you can do, this is good for you because life teaches you what kind of person you are. You're not this kind of guy. And by the way, fighting over anything petty like this is not good for you in the long run.

behave the way you're going to behave. If it becomes an issue, you should look at it like, hey, it's fucking insane you want me to fight these guys and you're the one with the problem, not me. You know what I mean? You don't have an issue here. You're just a young guy who's gotten a nice A-plus piece of trim here and you're holding on for dear life. And sometimes in every movie when the guy's holding on to the mountain and they get saved at the end,

Most of the time, their hands get fucking tired and they fall down. And eventually that probably will happen in this relationship. I hate to break it to you. But just be true to yourself. Don't do anything you don't want to do. And, you know...

Maybe you get in a fight and you're like, you know what? That wasn't worth it. This is just you learning. Don't get listening to me. Nobody wants to get a blowjob with a bloody nose. How good's the head? It's not that good. I don't know. I'm listening. Listen, dude. But this kid's not, you know. He doesn't want to fight. Like he said, someday when you're with your white wife with game hair. Okay. You can have any race wife you want, buddy. We're not that.

Come on, listen to me. We're not telling you what race your wife has to be. You get a white chick with a flat ass, you don't have these problems. No, listen, that's not, it is a personality issue. You get an A cop with a summer ass, you're fine. It's not a race problem. You're walking up with little Kim and you're fucking bitching? Close.

Little Kim. Enjoy what's going down. This guy hasn't lived in New York City limits in 12 years. You can tell by the Little Kim reference. Listen, bro. Enjoy it. I'm saying enjoy it. You're with a chick that other dudes want. And I kind of agree with you. You got it. Enjoy it. It's good. Look.

Statistically, the ride's going to end. When I was 22, I wouldn't know how to deal with this shit either. I probably wouldn't. Now I would just be kind of a, I might get my ass kicked by shooting off at the mouth if somebody was behaving like this towards somebody I was dating. But I wouldn't fight anyone either. No, you can't fight somebody over you. My therapist said this to me once. Save your rage for your wife and your kid.

Interesting. Stop giving it to people that don't deserve it. That's a very... I mean, do you want to give us some context on that? I'm not going to fucking murder a guy at a traffic light, but if a guy came up... And my therapist, the guy who sold you an unregistered gun. If a guy's going to come up to my wife and kid and threaten them, that's when you release the superhero power. When protecting your family. When you need it. Yeah.

Not on some girl that you're dating right now. First of all, you don't love her because you're holding hands. You know what I mean? Yes. When you're in love, you're in separate parts of the fucking store. He's young. He's dealing with some... You also, at your age, are learning the types of people you're compatible with. You know what I mean? And it's like...

You know, you just got to ride this out, little buddy. And by the way, it ain't a bad problem to have. Like Bobby says, you're with somebody that hot. Hopefully this doesn't cause you too much stress. But, you know, you can't really be someone you're not. You know what I mean? We're not going to sit here and tell you to be more aggro when you don't have that. And like Bobby says, save any kind of anger, not for somebody like, I mean, look, grabbing a girl's ass, that's different. Maybe you could have fucking gotten a little aggressive there. Obviously, that's assault.

But if someone's just talking to her... Not fucking assault. It is. Grabbing somebody's ass against their will. I mean, technically. Okay. I mean, come on. Jesus Christ. I'm from the 80s. That was called a move. Not fucking assault. What a shit life you guys have to live in. You ever

You ever see the movie Porky's? I mean, come on. Yeah, we have. It's actually not about pussy as much as you think. It's about some weird bar. It's about assault. Yeah, I mean. It's all about. There's a lot of rape happening in Porky's. There's a lot of rape happening in all those bars. Yeah, but look at me. Somebody grabbed your girl's ass. That's messed up. But what are you going to do? You're going to go to jail over some piece of shit. And she should have been like, yo, get off me.

And you should have been like, let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here. And if he followed you, yeah, maybe you'd take care of it. But it ain't worth going to jail or hurting a dude or getting hurt. This is what I always think. Okay, I'm going to hit this guy. He's going to knock me the fuck out. And my girl's going to wake up in a trunk. I'm going to get my ass kicked.

Yeah. So look, man, it doesn't really sound like we've helped you that much, but, uh, you know, we're just kind of giving you context for what you're dealing with here and, you know, just, just be, be true to yourself. Stay honestly, stay, you might, do you have problems standing up for yourself in general?

I'm working on it a lot. Yeah, see, that's the thing. I feel like I painted her in a bad light. She's really cool most of the time. If I never fought anyone, I feel like she'd be cool with that. Yeah, yeah. But if you do fight someone, she'll blow you. She also might have been joking. Who knows? They're also both young, and she's probably trying to make the best of a weird situation also. Let me ask you a question. I don't want this to come off wrong.

You know what? Let's not ask that question. You know what, buddy? We're just going to go ahead and not ask that one. Whatever. If you're even thinking it's an issue, we're going to go ahead and skip it. And we're just going to tell you. And we're just going to tell you to work on your... You know, we've already spent too much time on this question in particular. So we're just going to move on. Is she black?

All right. Thank you. So listen, bud, this, just a final thought here, standing up for yourself is something you need to work on. This might be, this might not be a bad thing to keep in the back of your mind. Like, Hey, if at some point I need to really stand up for me and my girl, will I be there? Will I be ready to do that? And this is just something for the rest of your life, right? You're 22. I remember being 22, letting people walk all over me, just work on it. Keep working on it. Be,

you know, have like little goals, maybe go to therapy. That was one of the first things I went to therapy for was just kind of like, I'm serious. I'm just, I just pictured his first day in therapy. Like, what's your problem? All right, man, these guys keep grabbing my chick's ass.

And she said she'd blow me if I fight them. I'm trying to get head, doctor. But yeah, keep working at it, brother. And you're at a point in your life where it's good that you know what you want to work on already. You know what I mean? And keep working on it. And someday, enjoy it now, because someday they're not going to want to grab her ass. She's just going to be a regular wife. What a tragedy that'll be. Yeah.