Bonus #91 - Live Call Show Vol. 15 [PATREON PREVIEW]
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Not much, not much. I wanted to say thank you for last time. You helped me out with my brother on the Mateo episode. Nice, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah, so we're going golfing tomorrow, actually. Oh, look at that. Give him the applause, Elvis. Beautiful, Max. That's what I love to hear. Thank you, thank you. So this is, let me set this one up. Hopefully he doesn't suck anybody's cock on the golf course, am I right? Let's hope not.

Sorry, man. Just to let you know, we remember your call. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, what's going on now? Back in high school, we had a good friend group, a couple guys, a couple girls. And there was one girl that three of me and my buddies all messed around with. Nice. Nice.

It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Right? She's for the gang. That old adage. You took it to heart after pre-calc. Go ahead. So the last guy ended up dating her. And they were dating. We still all remained friends. Me, the girl, the guy. And about, I don't know, however long into their relationship, my guy friend...

just completely split and ended up going to Texas with his ex-girlfriend. So this is the guy who was dating the girl that everybody fucked? Yes. And he left her for the ex before this? Yes, correct. Okay. Yep. So he left her, and our whole friend group was pretty pissed at him, kind of stopped talking to him, like, you kind of did this girl dirty. Sure, it's a dick move. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

So kind of as like a little thing, I fucked the chick. Nice, because you're just a good guy. You felt so bad. You're basically Spider-Man. You're a fucking superhero. You know it, yeah, right? I'm just coming in, saving the day. What a selfless man you are. I know, I know. A great person. And a couple of weeks later, he gets ditched in Texas by this girl, ends up crawling back to the girl I fucked.

Yeah, twice. Two discreet times. Yes, yep. Mm-hmm. Just, mm-hmm. And, uh...

I don't know if he knows about that at all, but I can only assume he does. Sure. But anyway. Yeah. So they start dating again. Awesome. I wouldn't assume that. Yeah, I wouldn't assume that. But go ahead. Finish up your story before we go into a whole... I have a couple things I'm already thinking, but please finish up here, little buddy. About four months later, they do a pregnancy reveal. And...

I'm counting the months, counting the days, and it's pretty sketchy. You raw? You busted inside this woman? Not on purpose. Not on purpose. I'm a sensitive man. That's not what I asked you, bro. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Awesome answer. That's not my intent. So...

Anyway, that whole thing happened. Yeah. And he's claiming it's his, so I'm just like, oh, fine, let him do that. Okay. And the baby comes, and everything's fine. And then the baby, as it grows a little bit older, has blonde hair and blue eyes. And that's what you have? And that is what I have. And everybody else is dark? He's an Italian man. He's Arab? Yes.

He said Italian. Oh, Italian, Italian. Yeah, yeah, basically Arab. The woman is also brown hair, brown eyes. And I don't know that much about genetics, but the timing of it and the look of the kid, the kid's now four. Four? And he hasn't lost, yeah, he hasn't lost that. Well, babies, you know, as they grow, they might lose their color. Sure, sure, sure. So what are you in, like your mid-20s? 24. Yeah, damn. Yeah. Yeah.

Or the baby's actually... The kid's five now. You know what's crazy? Okay. When you were talking, I was going to be like, good news. I have some really good news, man. This is a messy, stupid situation, but you're all young. No one's ending up with anyone else here. This will all blow over in a couple years. And boy, oh boy, were my instincts wrong. Yeah. Yeah. So now they're broken up again. Uh-huh. And...

We started... My whole friend group started talking to the kid. And you're about to go claim your breakup... Your free... Coupon for one free... Getting sucked off every time they break up? No, no, no, no. I have a girlfriend, actually. Oh, okay, okay. Four and a half years. We got together pretty quickly after that situation. Yeah, what the fuck? But...

Yeah, I still – the kid still has got the eyes and he's still got the hair. And every day if I see a post about him or something, I just – I can see myself in him. And I don't know if I want to ask the mother. This is crazy, dude.

I don't know if I should ask the mother. Are you serious? Is this really the situation you're in? You were such a nice, sweet boy with a real problem on the last call. And if we didn't know you, I'd be like, this guy's lying. This is insane. I know. It sounds crazy, bro. I swear. All my friends are like, every time we hang out, they'll look at the kid and they look at me and give me one of those fucking looks. Okay, but is this fucking the telltale heart, though? Where you just hear...

You know what I mean? It's like you can't help but think everyone's looking at you. Wait, so all your friends know, but this guy has no clue? I don't know if he knows. And this woman hasn't said shit to you? We kind of stopped talking after I fucked her, but I don't really know what the stitch is. Oh, so I see all your friends think this is like a possibility, not him. Yes. Yeah, so he's been thinking it's his kid the whole time for the past five years, and

And I didn't want to ever ask the mom because I don't know. I feel like that was kind of kind of be rude. I don't know. Yes. I just never asked her. Sure. Um,

Now, so, okay, let's go back to the original did you bust inside her and you said not on purpose. Does that mean you let off a little bit? What are we talking? Yeah, like a half measure. That can happen. That can really happen. Like one cock pulse inside. Yeah. I'm like, you feel your dick twitch once. Oh, dude. In fact, no, no, yeah, yeah, that's bad. That can happen. It's happened to people very close to me.

So... I think it's a little late to ask the mother, or am I wrong? What you gotta do is grab a little bit of this motherfucker's hair and go to the DNA lab, bro. That's what I was thinking. You need to treat this like fucking an episode of CSI. Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking about it, honestly. Honestly, you need to leave this town. This is over, bro. You need to leave this town. You need to never see this woman again. This guy can't be your friend anymore. Your friends can't be constantly thinking about it. Very rarely do people get a physical manifestation of...

you need to get out of your hometown, there's a possible child that you need to flee. That's like the physical manifestation of starting new life somewhere else, man. You can't be fucking... I mean, also, you don't know. You're kind of fucking... You were stupid when this happened. You're kind of stupid now. You're doing your math now.

I don't know, man. It's like, you don't really know what's going on here. I know you're saying the timeline, the timelines kind of line up, but...

It's like nine and a half months. How close were you with this guy? It sounds like you're not close anymore. He was my neighbor, and we were like best friends from like 14 to 16. Your neighbor? What the fuck's going on with neighbors? We just had a fucking another call where people were talking about neighbors. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. The like girl. Anyway, whatever. But yeah, this is just so much more. Yeah, he's your neighbor. That's little kid ass friendships.

That's someone you meet when you're a fucking... You know what I mean? Like, all of this is... He's not my friend anymore. Sure, sure. I don't talk to him yet. Here's the thing. Nothing in your story... Maybe the timeline matches up a little. You don't have nothing that...

No smoking gun. It stops me in my track that I'm like, that's a smoking gun. Not even a... There's not even... Even blonde hair and blue eyes and they're dark haired. That just sounds kind of dumb to me. Like, you know, I had fucking blonde ass hair when I was a baby, you know? Yeah. I had bright ass hair till I was like probably seven or eight years old and started turning brown. Sure. And...

I don't know, man. That's the thing. You don't have anything that's so obvious that you have to make a big stink about it. And that it's like, like, what's, what is, do you feel some kind of guilt? Like, let's say this. Yeah. What if somebody told you for sure it was your kid? What would you do? Nothing. Nothing.

Well, then there you go, buddy. You got to get the fuck out of there. Well, then you're granted a beautiful opportunity. Good. Now that we know you're a scumbag, we can proceed. Because it... Because...

If I were you, I literally would get the fuck out of Dodge. I'm not even kidding. Don't hang out with these fucking people anymore. Don't mute this. Never see picture of this baby on Instagram. Don't even hang out with your friends that know. You have to treat this like people who know you killed someone and got away with it. You need to fucking move through a new town. Maybe start going by your middle name.

You know what I mean? Like, change it all up, brother. If the answer's nothing, you need to, you can't ask. Who gives a fuck? Out of sight, man. Out of sight, out of mind. You've been granted a rare opportunity to be able to act like it's the fucking 1940s. And you knock a woman up, so you just move four towns over and no one's heard of you there. I've got too many roots here to get up. You're 24, idiot. You don't have any roots anywhere.

I'm like, do you feel like this has been eating away at you for years? Like what is, I don't know. What's spurring this? I mean, obviously it's like.

Oh, geez, he kind of looks like he could have my hair. I get it. I get where he's coming from. It's just the, yeah, not knowing. It is a kid that could be yours. Right, I get that. And the whole intrigue of this weird little... Again, this is a weird little early 20s love triangle that usually...

Everyone's kind of been in some kind of something like this. There's just this... Like, if there was no kid, you wouldn't even think about these people, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, this would be so in the rear view. It would be a funny little thing you and your college friends brought up from time to time. You know, every four years, be like, remember when you fucked Sarah and they immediately got back together? And you guys would laugh for, like, nine minutes, and then you'd move on to the next thing. But the fact that there's a kid...

I get it. You know, even if you wouldn't do anything, there's a part of you that's like, is that my fucking kid? And even though you say you would do nothing, it's understandable for there to be a moment of like, fuck, should I be in this kid's life? Do I want this guy I cucked twice to raise my seed, my male heir, my bastard? So, but like...

Part of this is just youth. That's what I'm saying. That's what I mean. He's the physical manifestation of you holding on to shit you need to let go of, right? Yeah. And now that's kind of... But like, you would fuck everyone's life up. Even if it was your kid, you would fuck everyone's life up. If you had a burning desire to be his father, it's not...

100% the right thing to do. And you're like, you've got a 8% desire to be this kid's father. You know what I mean? Like, if that. If not 3%. So, if not zero, right? So the only thing here is, look, would it be different if this woman comes up to you? Or if she, look, she could really be...

be in ignorant bliss and he can be and they're happy together and they've never even considered this your kid and some kind of fucking they do 23andMe and it comes up and they come to you at a certain point I'm not telling you to be like fuck no that's not my kid fuck you bitch but like no one's no one that fucking whore was fucking everyone yeah check it check have the guys be fucking graduated with

There was a spirit fair booth where her pussy was out. You could fucking donate a dollar or a bag of corn chips and get a run at that whore's pussy. Don't start pointing fingers at me. She sucked the whole team off. React like that and no one will suspect you. So you're not acting like that.

So basically, dude, the cleanest thing here is just don't. You would fuck everyone's life up. It would be weird. You would dredge up a bunch of high school bullshit that you need. Frankly, everyone needs to be forgetting. The fact that you're even in your mid-20s and talking to me about something that happened and that started, has its roots in high school, is psychotic. You're at the point in your life where that's got to start becoming normal.

the same as a childhood memory. You tell me and else about a time that happened in high school, you might as well tell us about something that happened in third grade. We're so past that, but to you, it's fresh still, right? You need to be moving into adulthood where this kind of shit doesn't matter. And yeah, is it a little weird? Sure. And if she was in a weirder situation, and if this kid wasn't in a loving home, maybe you have more of an obligation, whatever, but

That's not what's going on here. Don't stir the fucking pot. Let this be an old fashioned. This kind of shit used to happen. I would say half the children born before 1970. This happened to if I had to guess, let that this is it, dude. This is an old fashioned situation. And don't don't go muddying it up and take our advice to you got to stop thinking about, you know, you're talking about how you have roots, whatever, whatever.

You need to go live life a little bit. I'm not necessarily telling you you have to leave. Not everybody leaves their hometown, whatever. But just think of that. Think about that. Whatever can get you more distance from the situation is just a good... You need to go experience other stuff. Your head is really in your hometown and your high school friend group. It can't be that way, dude. You got to mature a little bit one way or another. All right. But good luck out there, man. Yeah, thanks. Don't raw dog any casual hookups.

I'll try not to. Okay, man. Good luck, buddy. Talk to you soon. See you, buddy. Sweet kid. Sweet kid. He probably will still raw dog. Well, he's in a relationship. We didn't even get into that. He said he's in a four and a half year relationship. He's 24. That's true. Whatever. That's fucking awesome. Fuck him. Fuck that kid.

I know, I mean, it could really be his kid, though, for real. I know, but... But who cares? The evidence isn't strong enough. It's not even the evidence is strong enough. What are you going to do? Go to the fucking DA and be like, put handcuffs on me? He's not even on trial. Imagine if he brought it to this woman and...

And they do the whole big stink. He gets the test and it's like not his. Yeah. That's a relief, but that's just also like a few fucked up months of like. Oh, cool. You reminded me for two straight months you fucked my wife because I had to go get some pussy in El Paso for three weeks. Goddamn. Well. Well, good luck to all parties involved.

Amen, LD. Especially that kid. Especially the child, man. I believe the children are future.