Bonus #75 - Justin Schlegel [PATREON PREVIEW]
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I'm from Baltimore and I feel like we are brethren. So I know you can help me with my situation or at least give me some advice for my situation. So I've been with my girlfriend for about six months. You know, we come from crazy different worlds. I'm from Hamden, Baltimore.

She's from Highland Town. Pause this. This is fucking crazy. I'm from Hamden. She's from Highland Town. You're from two... Okay, you're from the white trash neighborhood that got gentrified by accident, and she's from the white trash neighborhood that Latino families are moving into. That's the only difference. There is no huge culture shock. You're 15 minutes away from each other. That's insane. You're a quick lime scooter ride.

To each other You're a brisk get your steps in distance Like neither one of you Are going to the Montessori school Like each one of you smoked your first cigarette With a blood relative So yeah yeah let's ease up this whole Wrong side of the tracks I hope he's kidding and I hope we jump down his throat for no reason But my fear is he's not Crazy different worlds I'm from Hamden, Baltimore She's from Highland Town Worlds collide anyway We hit it off where you know

A lot of guys. Bro, my girlfriend's family's a fucking sausage fest. There ain't no fucking squish nowhere. Dude, I drove all the way from Hamden to Highland Pack in fucking rush hour traffic up Eastern Ave.

And it's just a bunch of fucking hairy Greek asses. It's just Uncle City over there, yo. Dude, what the fuck is this about? They got a PlayStation 3 still hooked up. And they considered that shit a cutting edge over there. Bullshit, yo. Fucking bullshit, yo. This guy's awesome. This guy rules. Grandfather, uncle, was all that. We were at a cookout at our house last weekend, or a couple weeks ago, and we were having some drinks, you know. Maybe we were smoking a little, you know, Tom Danks.

uh and it got a little out of control people were you know jumping in the pool acting crazy so i was walking in the kitchen where everyone was taking shots and stuff and i had on sweatpants and no underwear her grandfather he's a big prankster pulled my pants down and everyone saw my genitals and her uncle who's also a funny guy

said that my penis looked like a pigeon's nose. Damn, dude. Pause this again. Dude, this is awesome. What the fuck? This family is incredible. They sound so sick. He's like, it got out of hand. He's describing like a college rager. People are getting, taking shots in the kitchen, jumping in the pool. Next thing I know, my pants are getting yanked off. He's getting hurt.

is a big prankster. That's an incredible sentence right there. That's amazing. He's a big prankster. His dick looks like a pigeon's beak, which, by the way, that's the best way that story could have bridged into. I actually want to look at a pigeon's nose right now. My grandfather pulls the pants off. Uncle dives on me, starts sulking me.

One of the other cousins got my arms pinned to the linoleum. My arms is pinned in place and I'm just getting worked on. And I can feel the hot stubble near my area. And I'm just like, oh, this ain't cool. You didn't even try my taco dip that I brought. You didn't even try it.

A pigeon's nose is so little and fucked up. That's such a small, mouth-formed... He got you. Dude, he killed you. And that's a great roast because it doesn't make that much sense, but it sounds so funny. You can kind of fill in the blanks. It's little. It's a bird's... It looks like a toucan. It's a bird's nose. That's fine. Tiny dick in there. All right, let's finish this guy up.

Everyone laughed, everyone hootin' and hollerin', laughin' and jokin'. Didn't think anything of it. Now my nickname is Pigeon in the family. Every single time I come over, "What's up, Pigeon?" They even started calling me Pigeon Coop.

And my girlfriend kind of has been a little bit off. Fly your little dick over here for dinner. This is awesome. Pigeon. Anyway, maybe give me some advice. What would you do? How would you deal with this? Would you just keep going along with everyone calling you pigeon because your penis looks like a pigeon nose? Or your home life is a pigeon? I guess they're saying that my penis is the size of a pigeon's penis. Your own.

Dude, this is... You are owned. This is written for life. This is in anger. Like, here's the thing is, you have left an indelible mark on this family one way or another. Because let's say you can't take it, you break up with her, they will be talking about pigeon dick... Forever. Forever. Like, you are...

a bright point on that family's timeline. Yeah. Okay, when someone finally came over from the old country, someone finally got that promotion. They're always talking about Pigeon. Whatever happened to Pigeon? What happened to Pigeon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell him to fly his tiny little dick over here for another barbecue. This is awesome because you can hear how annoyed he is in his voice.

You can hear the helplessness of someone who wants to... It's like the Dave Chappelle joke where it's like somebody lying about someone you fucked or whatever. It's like, I didn't do it. I didn't do that. You know this is permanent. It's too... I will say too, I don't know if you guys caught it, but he did mention like his girlfriend...

He said she's acting standoffish and sounds like she's feeling weird about it now. He said... Can all of her male relatives saw his tiny dick? He said she's standoffish and isn't acting the same way towards him since that happened.

I think that might be it a little more. That's it more. He's probably like a little annoyed, but I don't think he gives a fuck that much based on what they call him. So it's not so much the nickname that's got him rattled. It's the fact that his girlfriend, who I hope already knew what kind of dick he was working with. Dude, what if that's the first time she saw it? What if they were waiting very first time?

deer that big glass bowl of Totito scoops with the queso in the middle. Like, dude, what if her uncle and grandfather saw his dick before she did? And they have to report back and be like, hey, baby girl, you know we got your best interests in mind. You know that.

Before we continue. Quick dick check before you're allowed to the barbecue. Heads up. We need to know what you're working with. Listen, we just want you to be happy and that ain't going to get it done. It's not going to be pigeon nose. Because we just saw that candy corn that popped out of his sweatpants. We did the old, well, this is this family's tradition. This family's insane, by the way. They're incredibly insane. Grandpa pantses him and they call him, and they roast him about his dick. They're not all like, oh.

Like to them, that's the best case scenario is that they saw his penis. That's crazy. They've done this before. That's just, they are, I see what he's, and by the way, this is not a Hamden Highland town thing. No. This is, your family's not completely off the chain insane and fun. This maybe sounds fun. They sound like a great time to be a part of. Yeah. But to be the victim of. Yeah. Yeah.

And here's the reality about this kind of thing is that you cannot fight this. No. You are pigeon. You're outnumbered pigeon. You're pigeon. And the only thing you can do, this is kind of like you're in a frat and you're getting hazed. You're pledging right now.

Soon enough, you'll see somebody else's boyfriend's penis. There you go. And then they get hazed or whatever. That's your chance. And now that's your chance. You better come up with something fun. You better hit him with something great. Oh, what is that? A gerbil's toe? Oh, wow. Look at that. Someone's trying to sneak a chickpea out of here. What's someone doing? Hey, old Garbanzo being dick over here. Garbanzo.

Hey, what's going on there, Snap Pete? Yeah, you just unfortunately, this is you now, Pigeon. So the girl on the other hand is odd. So that's the thing. That's what I was going to say. It's like you got to be Pigeon. You got to roll with the punches. You got to not be whatever. You got to just be cool and like laugh it off. And then look, they were mocking you about your penis. That really lets you...

you can let her uncles have it. This is not a family that you have to mince words around. You can call them a fucking retard. Like that's the thing. This is kind of fun, right? The problem is the girlfriend. Like there is a possibility here. Now here's the flip side of a family like this is like the, Oh, this seems a little, this is pretty old fashioned in a way where if your girl sees you emasculated,

This is the type of family where the woman might not... She might not even be... She might not let you come back from that. She doesn't respect you anymore. She was in that moment. Maybe she was in the background somewhere. Pants off. Pigeon dick. And then time slowed down and she's waiting for like, okay, my baby's gonna fire back. Like, yes. My baby's gonna fire back. It's like, oh, I need you to know your baby girl loves choking on this bird.

or something or, you know, I've been throwing bird seed down your girl's esophagus or some sort of return fire and if you had nothing and you locked it up, she's probably in the background like, fuck. He didn't stand up to her long-dick grandpa. Yeah, her fucking hung grandfather. Grandpa unfurls this fucking...

Massive crank. Just... The cousins are helped pull all the... He's got that old Highland Town dick. That's right. It just flops onto the linoleum below. Oh, yeah. Like someone dropped a steak, you just hear it. Mm-hmm. That John Hamm dick. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah, well, sorry, pigeon. Yeah, so basically, honestly, I think you just gotta, like, keep rolling with the punches and...

Look, most of the problems on this show boil down to have a conversation. Yeah. If your girl keeps acting weird, you got to be like, what's up? You got to talk about it. And the thing is...

Either way, that'll either fix it or she's the kind of toxic woman that thinks you getting pwned like that makes you a homo that she doesn't want to date. And you'll find out either way because if you try and bring up her feelings, she will find that gay as well. And it's like that conversation will either fix your relationship or will make it clear the kind of woman your girlfriend is. This ain't it. This is not it. Yeah.

And find out if they've done this before. I'm dying to find out if this is a family tradition. This was a coordinated effort between an uncle that was put in a position and a grandfather. This was his way out. This was the uncle's way out. This is the uncle and the grandfather being like, okay, let's hit him with the old razzle dazzle. We know what to do. He's coming in. He's got the sweatpants on just like we requested.

Bam, dick roast, say something, nothing. You're not good enough for my baby. And listen, if she's the kind of person who finds, who's annoyed that her, cause here's the other thing. Some women think, will think it's funny. The way like some, the way some dudes can roll with the punches. Yeah. But other guys be like, fuck you, my dick's big. You're a fucking old piece of shit. Right? My dick's big around the base. She might be the girl version of that who she doesn't want.

She doesn't want to have the one who's pigeon. She doesn't want her boyfriend to be... To her, it could be humiliating. Yeah. And I think that... And a family full of men, too, which he kicked it off with being like, the most of her family is all men. And if it's a bunch of fucking Eastern Ave, Highland Town dudes, there's a good chance there's some squashes in that family. And she doesn't want to be alpha'd. No. She could be the kind of person that doesn't want you alpha'd. Now, let me be clear. What I'm saying about that is she's a fucking dumb bitch.

Women that think that way are, you know, they're the flip side. They're the type of bitches that like want to get hit. You know what I mean? Like they're like the Andrew Tate. They're women who are like sharing Andrew Tate posts. And it's like, it is, he actually is saying some true stuff. He makes a good point. Some of those women want to be shipped overseas in the container. Yeah.

Kind of. If you think about it, look at a flight from Hong Kong to Malibu. He just saved her $2,000 by absconding with her after firing a net gun at her in her village. You know? I think it's also like not even wanting to be hit or whatever, but like who want their boyfriend to get in a fight at the smallest slice from the street. Hit was extreme, but yes. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, now Eldest all of a sudden is Mr. Red Pill. Someone's standing up for good people. You're about to get your Red Pill credentials taken. You're about to get all your all-women-are-whores credentials taken. I just say that because I dated someone in the past who literally was like, oh, I think it's so hot when the guy fights for me. And I'm like, I'm not fucking fighting for you, bitch. You can't even look at me as make-a-wish-ass body.

No chance. I'm fighting the day the Ravens lose if someone's being a dick about it. Yeah. I'm not fighting over your dumpy ass. No, I'm fighting someone that I'm raising money for at a cancer benefit. That's the only guaranteed W. And that's after someone I was hoping wins the Intercontinental title at Mania. Dozens? Yeah, yeah. That's about it. I'm not fighting anybody at fucking Bo Hager's for your honor. Okay, you got to miss...

You got a misspelled crazy town tattoo on the side of your neck and two different K-Swiss on your feet. I'm not throwing hands for this woman who considers Paul Malls a food group. Fuck that. That's female toxicity right there. So anyway, either you're in a fun family now and you have a fun little nickname and you are going to have to start defending yourself and roasting back. You can only be the fun pledge for so long before it's pathetic. Yeah.

But that can be, that sounds honestly like a pretty, I would much rather be in a family like that than like some uptight, awesome stuffy, waspy, like Connecticut. You're not using the right fork for the salad. New Hampshire, like yeah, exactly that kind of shit. Some blue blood type shit. They've got like naval art on the walls. Give me fun trash over that every day. No, give me a dude with an insignia TV that he definitely stole from a fucking Target. Yeah. Yeah, no, give me a,

The TV still has the back on it. They got the bubble screen. Oh, 100%. He still plays the Xbox 360. Fucking love it. He's on Madden 02. No HDMI cables. They have red, yellow, and white connecting cables. Dude, component gets it done. Component gets it done. Honestly, from what I was told by my pediatrician, the human eye can't see beyond 720p.

The human eye can't actually see beyond 720p, so you're sort of throwing your money away. Oh, yeah. All I'm saying, pigeon dick. So good luck, pigeon. We're rooting for you. Yeah, cheers, pigeon.