Bonus #73 - Live Call Show Vol. 10 [PATREON PREVIEW]
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So, yeah, I'll just get right into it. So about a year ago, actually, I found out about that app Field from you. Nice. And I got on there and I matched with a girl and it was like an account she had with her and her boyfriend. And her thing read like, hey, looking for a sperm donor to get me pregnant. Whoa.

Yeah. Whoa, what the fuck? I'm like, this is crazy. To do that on the freaky app is hilarious. Yeah, and I'm not even like, honestly, the only reason I was on there is because I got banned from everything else. Not like a pink guy. What did you do, Andy? I had like an x-ray. Did these whores not recognize what a high-value male you were so you found their IP addresses and threatened them?

No, no, no, no. I had like an x-ray done on my hip and you could see the outline of my cock and it looked, it fucking was very flattering. Nice. Do you have a big dick? I had that on my Tinder profile and I got banned. Wow. Interesting. Do you have a big penis? I mean, no, it's like six hard. There he is. Nice. The gentleman's cut. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nothing fancy. It is cut. Okay, whatever, whatever. I was saying cut like a cut of meat. That's the gentleman's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, you're on field, which, by the way, looking for a sperm donor on an app that is just guys who are trying to, like, tie, like, they're trying to, like, get double sucked by poly couples or, like,

tie up, like do Japanese knots on like 23 year olds that haven't been to therapy yet. It's the craziest place to look for a sperm donor. I want to make sure my son is Jim Norton. It's fucking insane. It doesn't make any sense. Okay, so you obviously... We'll soon learn none of this makes much sense. Okay, great. So you see that and you're like, great. Dumb bitch, but maybe I can nut in her. Yeah.

I'm just like, okay, well, I'm like, this sounds like some kind of scam, but it could just be, if it's real, it could just be some kind of, some crazy story I have. Sure. So anyway, we get to chatting and, you know, she's like, I think, yeah, I think this should be a good fit. Let's meet at the Panera by my house. Panera. That's where you screen the genetic father of your children over a chicken fontega sandwich.

Okay, so you're at Panera. So we meet at Panera. She's a decent looking girl. She's not really my type. But, you know, we meet up. I'm like, yeah, man, definitely. She's hot. She's a stripper and an OnlyFans model. Beautiful. We're big fans of sex workers on this podcast. Yeah. And so we meet and we kind of chat. And I'm like, so...

How is this going to work? Like, you know, I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're meeting up with her. Not even to try and fuck her to expressly give her come for a child. I assume you see that and you're like, well, this is funny. Let me just talk to her. This is crazy. I mean, like I said, she, she has a boyfriend. Right. Well, I mean, still it's the feel like twink boyfriend. Interesting.

Her boyfriend is also a model. He's definition twink. He's 5'2", chiseled, but very boyish. Interesting. Anyway, so I'm like, how is this going to work? So why does she want your nut? Well, I'm sorry. Keep going. That's a great question. We'll get to that. Oh, wow. Okay.

So I'm just like, all right, so how is this going to work? Like, do you want me to jerk off into a cup or like, are we going to have a three-way? Wow. You don't even pitch getting the fuck just her. You start, dude, you're a bad negotiator. Well, I was just, I was just confused at the entire situation. I was just like, is this a cuck situation? Like I was like trying to figure it out. I like that. It's like less creepy. If you float the three-way first, it's like, I'm not some creep who's just trying to fuck you here.

I want you to be comfortable when you conceive. Yeah, I'll let your twink boyfriend suck my dick. He's small enough that it's not, in my head, because I'm stupid, doesn't count as fully gay to me. So if you need, I'll let him suck my dick first.

He was a good looking guy. I've never been with a guy, but I was totally... I was like, fuck, dude. At this point, I'm just like, let's fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it, dude. I love it. He's on feel. If you had to fuck a guy...

A 5'2", a little ripped guy? I would literally... I would have totally been fine. Probably looks good in a wig and some lipstick. Don't even need that. He's a good looking guy. All right. So what did she say? What did she say? I'm like, so how is this going to work? And she's like, well, so...

Yeah, you know, since, you know, I've got my boyfriend, like, you know, he's not really comfortable with you, like, kissing me or being intimate. But what's going to happen is we'll fuck in front of you while you jerk off. And then when you're about to bust, tap him on the shoulder and, you know, bust inside. Oh, God, tag team. Tag me in, bro. We're the Dudley boys.

Do you got to do a swanton bomb into her pussy when he's ready? Party boys, yeah. Set my pussy up on a table and climb up on the ladder and swanton bomb your nut inside of it. Holy fucking shit. That's incredible. All right, okay. What's up with his nut? He has bad nut?

No, okay, so then I was like, all right, well, that's crazy. Yeah, it's insane. Who gives a fuck? I'll do this. I'm like, just to stick my dick inside the school. So wait, I'm sorry, you don't have any qualms with you having a child that you are legally on the hook with? Hold on, we'll get to that too. Okay, all right, all right, all right, Jesus Christ. So then I'm like, so why don't you want his kid?

And she's like, well, you know, I just, I'm not, you know, he's not ready to have a kid, but I really want to have one. And, you know, just in case like him and I ever break up, you know, I don't want there to be any kind of custody battle, which doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, but I was like, whatever. Right. She's going, she's trying to, well, it kind of literally like, I mean, look, her screening process is insane, but she's basically trying to like this.

This is like you don't want to buy... You want to buy... I have a bootleg Noguchi coffee table, and it's like, look, it would cost like $6,000. How about I just cruise eBay for something that looks similar? And it's like she's trying not to spend... She could go get a sperm donor, but that's expensive, right? And there's red tape. This is like you can get some guy to nut in you. I just...

I have qualms with the way that she fucking chose it. Going off field isn't what I would do, but... And the Panera meeting. It's like, how's your broccoli cheddar soup? Anyway, okay. So she just wants a kid with a stranger, basically. I asked her why she wasn't going through normal sperm donor, and she had been, but it wasn't working.

What the nut didn't take? Yeah, like the turkey baster, like shooting it up there didn't work. Oh, so let me just... A guy I don't know raws me. Shoots his gum in my pussy. And the boyfriend's like, hey, that was two strokes. You only get one. You only get one in there. I was, yeah, because I was like, I mean, we're not even going to like kiss or whatever. But anyway...

So I'm like, are you, are you allotted? What is there like a stroke allotment? I didn't, I didn't ask. Cause I was just like, I was just like, okay, well, whatever. Like in the moment, we'll figure it out. Cause I'm like,

You know, hold, like, when you, like, you know, sometimes it's kind of hard to time exactly. Sure, of course. Especially because I was, like, you know, I was a couple feet away. I wasn't, like, you know, hovering, jerking off, like, in his ear. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. So, yeah, yeah. So, anyway, so I'm, like, well, this still feels weird. I'm, like, this...

I'm like, are they trying to get me on the hook for child support or something? Right. Did you talk to a lawyer or something? No, no chance. I didn't talk to a lawyer, but she was like, don't worry, I thought of that already. Because she was like, well, I don't want there to be any kind of custody battle for me. She doesn't want me trying to get...

custody of the kid. So she had this form that she like, it's basically just like a standard sperm donor form. Um, okay. Like that you would use, you know, like say if you're like a lesbian and sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, and we, so, you know, it's like, I can't try to get custody. She can't try to get me for child support. I'm like,

Whatever this looks fine who cares right and so I'm like we need to go to a notary though for it So we go to like a Bank of America And so we go to a UPS store, that's all get this over here my friend come here the guy like and all three of us go like her boyfriend too and the guy like the UPS it's just a dude at the UPS store the guy that you ship shit with he's just like what the fuck like of course and

Yeah, but it was really funny. A stripper, a little of his eye gay guy, and just some dude show up together. Yeah. Do you have any kind of distinctive thing to you? Like, are you just a guy? What are we talking here? You're like a regular ass motherfucker? I mean, I can turn my camera on if you guys want to see me. Sure, I don't give a fuck. Does that work, Eldis? I don't know. Uh...

Just describe. You're not like a fucking, you're just some fucking guy, right? Or you can send a picture. Can you see me? Hold on. I'm just going to put you on the camera so I can see you. Oh, God, this is awesome. Yeah, hurry. This is nice. I didn't know we had this capability. Let's see this motherfucker.

This fight, it looks like an Armenian freedom fighter. I'm, uh, I'm, I'm like Irish. You're Irish. All right. Well, I don't know about that, but you look Moroccan to me, brother. You need a Fez right now. Anyway, people always say I look a little Jewish, but a Jew. Okay. Interesting from this angle. All right. So anyway, go ahead, bud. So don't turn that off. Um,

So, yeah, I mean, I'm not like, I'm like, I'm like 5'11". You know, I'm not like. Yeah, regular ass dude. Yeah, I'm not like nothing. I'm not hot or anything. You're a cute kid, but yeah, I know what you're saying. Nothing like distinctive. So anyway. Actually, actually, your brother, George, I met him at a Welcome to Hell. Oh, hell yeah. And he, he actually, George called me hot.

At least my brother wants to fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, so you go to get the shit. I'm excited for Welcome Home 2. Can't wait. We're going to get there. We definitely are going to do another show at some point. So, okay, you go to this notary. You get it notarized. The guy's like, what the fuck is this? He's just returning Amazon packages most of his day. And now you've got a nut retrieval form for him.

So then I'm like, all right, all this is good. The form's notarized. She sends me a copy of it. And then we meet up. She's like, all right, just come to my apartment and we'll do this. And I'm fucking, I'm so, I'm nervous. Yeah, it's weird. What's the vibe with the boyfriend? Is he like mad at you or like what's his whole thing? No, he was actually like surprisingly like totally normal about this.

Then why wouldn't he let you just kind of fuck his girlfriend? Anyway, whatever. All right. I don't know. He was also like not, he was like not gay at all. He was like, no, not interested. I was just like, very, very, very surprised. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. So we go over there and you know, she's like, what kind of music are you going to play? I'm just like, I don't give a fuck. Just, yeah.

Nothing, anything, whatever. She turns on like some R&B and we go into like her spare bedroom. She's got a fucking pit bull in the other room, like going crazy. So I'm like kind of scared already. And that's like, anyway, and I took a, well, I'm not going to say the name.

A dick pill. Of course. Thank you for respecting the way that we still haven't been paid. And it's still a huge... You know what? I'm going to bring this up, actually. Our podcast agents need to... They might get fired if I don't get a dick pill sponsorship soon. Send it to the company. Yes. So you're pilled up.

which actually, if all you're doing is jerking off and taking a couple pumps, might not have been the right move. I don't know if I'm foreshadowing here, but sometimes a dick pill, your dick is not really a penis. It's just a mallet, and it's kind of hard to bust. But anyway, I don't want to step on your toes here.

Yeah, it was just, well, because, you know, if I'm super nervous about hooking up with a girl, I might have trouble getting hard. Of course, of course. And this, let alone if a fucking dog is barking, her five-tooth boyfriend is, you can see his little ass cheeks as he fucks her pussy. This is the kind of thing that, like, I wouldn't be sure that I wouldn't be about to be killed until, like, after the cream pie, and

Until after the green part, I pulled my underwear back up. No, no, even then. I wouldn't be sure until I'm 15 minutes away and I've checked my rear view mirror five times. I've done three U-turns. I'm scared.

Completely gone on the other side of the highway. Anyway. Yeah, I was worried, but I had told my friend about this, and she was like... Because I wasn't even sure whether or not I wanted to do it. Yeah. And I told my friend, and I told her where I was going to be. Yeah. Because I had the same thought. I was like, I'm going to get killed or robbed. Yeah, and that way, your friend could also maybe get killed if she goes looking for your body. But anyway...

Yeah, yeah. So we're finally in the room. We're in the spare bedroom. We're spare bedroom. They're fucking on like a little twin size, you know, trundle bed. Are they fully nude?

Yeah, they're fully nude. They're nude and you're what? You just got your pants around your ankles? We all get naked. Fully naked. Now, does anyone even so much as touch your cock or no? No, no. I'm like, I've like wanted someone. I'm like, I wanted her to like suck my dick. Yeah, of course. At least a jerk. Yeah. Right. So, you know, we, you know. Let's pull start this lawnmower. I'm getting it going myself. I said, pull start the lawnmower. You know what I'm saying?

Exactly. I need a little help. Of course. You know, when they told me they weren't going to, you know, I wasn't going to touch her at all. That's why I took the bleep shit because I'm like, I'm like, definitely, I probably need some help. So anyway, this dude gets naked and, you know, like I said, chiseled, fucking shredded. That's the buzzer.

Sorry dude, we're experimenting with it. Go ahead. Go ahead big biggest dick I've ever seen in my life on this guy really this is nine and a half inches Huh your dick is six inches you said right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow, it's too small Huge dick and I'm like, you know, I'm like almost six foot like wow, this is crazy. Oh

Yeah, yeah. So fucking hammer on this dude's fellow. That right there, I'm like, it's going to be like fucking throwing a hot dog down the hallway. Yeah, you're staggered right now. It's like in the boxing video games where you have to clinch your opponent. You need a second to regain your consciousness. I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, compliment. I'm like, dude, great dick. Nice cock, brother. Yeah.

Yeah, anyway, he puts on a condom, starts fucking her, and then he's like, are you cool if I take the condom off? I'm like, yeah, who gives a fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is already insane. Like, what is a condom going to, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the weird part. Yeah, really. Like, anyway, so he fucks her for, like, 10 minutes. I, like, can't get hard. Like, because I'm so fucking nervous. Yeah, it's weird. And how long ago did you take the dick pill?

Like an hour before. Okay, so you let it marinate a little bit. Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it's a very strange situation. You're getting alpha'd by this little ass guy. His dick is so huge. He's pounding his hot girlfriend. She doesn't even so much as suck you off. You don't really feel wanted in any way other than you're not. So I understand. I mean, they're trying to... What's up? Go ahead, go ahead.

Oh, they're fucking like, they're like fucking like porn style. Not like how you would actually normally fuck, but they're trying to make it look. They're putting on a show. Yeah, put on a show for you. Yeah. And I'm just like, but it just felt weird. Yeah, yeah.

Makes it feel even more bizarre, I would assume. Yes. Yeah. So I'm like, you know, I'm like, can I get some lube or something? You're trying out. Disgusting, like sticky, like scented, flavored lube. And anyway, it's like the kind of lube, like you ever jerk off like for so long with lube that it like, it just, it's not slippery. Yes, yes, yes. The stuff you have to re-wet. Yeah. The water-based stuff. I'm like...

I was like, I mean, about to rip, like ripping my dick off trying to get hard. Finally, I get hard. You know, it takes me like 10 minutes to even get close to coming. I'm like, you know, furiously, you know, beating it like I'm, you know, 11 years old again. Yep. 11 years old, you already busted four times. Mom just came home with the dominoes. You're like, I got to get this one out. I got to get this one out. Go ahead. Yeah.

Anyway, so he comes in her mouth or something. Nice. And then he starts fucking her. He gets hard and starts fucking her. Wow. Dude, this is like an elaborate way for them to just like... They cucked you. You're not even dating her, but it's like they bring guys over. And I bet you this happens all the time where it's like this little guy knocks you off your feet with that long ass, little ass dick and just...

You can't even get hard. He's getting hard again after nutting? I mean, what is going on here? Immediately hard again. That's crazy. He's completely flexing on you and nutting in her mouth. So it's like, I said no kissing. So just a little insurance on that policy. Kiss at your own risk, bitch. So I finally get hard. I finally am like, okay, fuck this. It's happening. Put me in coach. I'm going to bust.

And you know, I tap him on the shoulder, I fucking like, I'm like literally like dash across the room like, oh fuck, it's happening. Like tap him on the shoulder. We switch. You know, she's missionary position like with her, you know, like on the edge of the bed and I stick my dick in and then like, I'm like, you know, three quarters of the way in. He pushes me the rest of the way in. Whoa. Yeah, he pushes my ass. Oh my God.

You're there for a minute? Yeah, a minute, because it's like to make sure the calm gets all the way in there. Oh, so you do butt nut in this woman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, it's just like, I can tell, like a drop, like a drop of cum. That's actually smart on your part. You're like, well, I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow. Wow. Had you been saving up nut?

Yeah, I like I didn't I didn't I like, you know, for like two days, like nothing crazy. Sure. Like I was like, that's going to be I'm like, that's good enough. Like if I don't go a day, it's like, you know, a lot, you know, 25. Sure. So got a lot of, you know, nut in my balls. Of course. So anyway, then I'm like, all right, well, you know, two weeks like when you take the pregnancy test, you know, let me know. And so we go our separate ways.

That's so funny. That's like, dude, it's like, oops, all berries where it's like, oops, just cream pies. No other part of the sex. Just the cream pie. Insane.