Bonus #50 - Live Call Show Vol. 4 [PATREON PREVIEW]
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Come fart. Are you there? Yeah, what's up? What's up, my friend? Hello, come fart. Hey, Stobby baby. How we doing? We're doing all right. How are y'all? Not too shabby, my friend. What's ailing you? So, about a year ago, I was in a 10-plus year relationship. Ended, you know, and then I found myself not really knowing how to talk to girls. So, went through a

Pretty big dry spell and then finally I decided to just hop on a grenade that was warning me for the longest time and I just didn't give it any attention. So I did the thing, was super embarrassed about it, regretted it almost instantly and didn't tell a soul about it. Then fast forward over nine months and she contacts me with a picture.

Of a baby. No, dude. And yeah, and tells me that we need to talk, that she thinks I'm the father of this baby. No, first of all, I'm sorry. You were so hard up on pussy. You were like, all right, I'll just fuck this lady. I don't really want to. And you nutted inside her? That's the thing. I don't, I didn't nut it. You didn't? I definitely pulled out.

Pulled out, you fucking... Oh, no, dude. But you didn't wear a condom? No condom. No condom? Is there a chance even a little bit of nut spurted out of your dick? There's probably some. Probably some. Oh, no, dude. No, the pull-out method is usually extremely effective. Yeah. Yeah, I consider myself a professional.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Pending a couple tests, pending a couple blood tests, we'll find out about that. Here's what you do. Lose her number ASAP. Block her. Maybe change your number. Change your number. Make your IG private. Reconstructive facial surgery. You now have, go to Korea, get extra wide eyes.

Okay, little no, little button nose, big anime eyes, get hair plugs much longer than your hair. Curly hair if you have straight hair, straight hair if you have curly hair. Your name is now Juan Carlos. Okay, move to Colombia. Okay, anyway, sorry, finish your question here, pal. So at first I was going to be compliant and I was going to take the test.

But then I called a place and they wanted to quote me $500 plus tax. And ever since then, I've been non-responsive to her. You're a fucking idiot. First of all, you called the place. Call a lawyer, motherfucker. This is like, you got to figure this out. I mean, first of all, the price is no. What does it matter, dude? Let me put it to you this way.

$500 will either buy you, you either spend $500 for the best news of your life or your $500 in the hole is just the beginning and your life sucks dick now. I'm telling you, you're fine. Like, it's a coin flip. It's a very heavy coin to flip. But whether you do this or not, you have to find out if this is your fucking kid.

Yeah, I definitely don't want a kid to go fatherless. I just can't picture myself being with this girl in any way. I don't even want to see her drop off. I mean, this is a Greek tragedy. It's like the type of woman you don't even want to tell people you got head from. Now you have the fucking... Now she tags you. Now you're tagged in all the pictures of your son. Does the kid kind of look like you?

No, but I mean, it's just born, so it could look like or not look like anybody. It's also insane of her to bring this up now. Like you did get, look, you did get fucked here one way or another. I got a sneaking suspicion of the kind of conversation you might have wanted to have if you had known about this, let's say, seven months sooner than...

You would have been pushing for certain moves to be made. Okay, dude. So, yeah, I mean, this is a tough one because it's, like I said, either you're good or you're fucked. And you got to be prepared for either one, my friend. Yeah, honestly, I just...

I'm just dreading it. Yeah, of course. Hey, man, you jumped on the grenade once. You might have to jump on the grenade for your whole life. The grenade of taking a paternity test and the possible follow-up grenade of raising a kid with a woman you're embarrassed you fucked. Damn, dude. That sucks dick. Holy fuck. Listen, you didn't deserve this, pal.

Now, she says she doesn't care if the father steps up. She just wants to know who the father is. But it just sounds like a big trap to me. But do you even have the ability to not do this? Like, what's your plan? Dude, honestly, I'm not even kidding. Talk to a lawyer. Like, they would know better. They would know better about what your obligation is. Huh? I didn't consider a lawyer or legal actions or anything like that. But, um...

I just think it's worth talking to somebody who knows the legalities of these things. Yeah. I mean, but look, you're gonna rate, you're like, I assume you're gonna help out one way or the other. Like, I know it sucks, but it's like, if that's your kid,

One of the worst returns on investment of a nut of all time is this. You thought you were like, all right, I'm going to clear the pipes. I need to start getting a little pussy, and then it doesn't matter from who. I just need to get back in the game. I'm still heartbroken. I'm too awkward to talk to anybody I'm attracted to. This person has been after me for a while. What's the worst that could happen? Yeah.

And this is literally possibly it. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, I really struck out with this one. This, hey, listen, you know, whatever. And here's the other thing. All right, you got to figure this out. Either take the test, talk to a lawyer, whatever. And then if it's not your kid, you've been granted a second lease on life. Don't take this. Don't take it. You know, don't take it for granted. And if it is your kid, what do you what do you think happens then? What's your move?

Oh, wow. Damn. How ugly is this fucking woman? This man would rather be a single father than have to take a fucking Easter pic. Ha ha ha!

Look, I'm 27 and I've had a friend since I've been six years old, sort of like you and Eldest, and I refuse to even tell him about it. Oh my God, dude. Okay. Well, listen, if that's your goal, definitely talk to a lawyer because then maybe the fact that she hid this from you, like until right now, maybe that factors in.

Go do that. Go talk to somebody who knows about paternity stuff. If this is what you want to do. I can't tell, you know, honestly, at this point, we're over my expertise. I would say talk to a lawyer.

And good luck and God bless, my friend. Yeah. You're in a tough one. It feels like either way you should and you want to do that paternity test. Yeah. I feel like that won't hurt no matter what. Well, I would say talk to the lawyer first. Really? Just in general. Just to know what the order of things should be. You know what I mean? If his goal is like, I want full custody, if, then who knows what keeping a lines of communication opens means in the legal. I don't know. I don't know anything.

But good luck. Even if you don't want us to tell anyone, you got to let us know what happened. Even if it's just for me and Eldis. We need to know if this is your kid or not. I'll definitely follow back up with y'all. You got to follow back up. Good luck. You'll make a great father come fart. Thank you.

And come fart if it if you're comfortable we could we could listen we'd love to do this on the show So if you're comfortable let us know we'll do we'll do the update But if you don't want to put it back on the show just let us know okay. It's like get us in touch Get us in touch with whoever does a paternity test Oh

Have them send us the results before you see them. And we'll read the results live on there. Holy fucking shit. We will pay you $1,000.

We will cover the cost of the paternity test and 500 extra dollars if you let us read the results to you. And you have to not know what they are, and you have to be on camera. Those are our stipulations. Talk to Eldis offline. We'll figure this out. Come fart. DM me, come fart. All right, I got you. Good luck, dude. Good luck, buddy. Good luck.