Bonus #39 - Ari Shaffir [PATREON PREVIEW]
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What was that show we would watch all this? Do you remember? It was like a weird reality show about polyamorous people, but gross polyamorous people. Which, you know. Wait, was it Real Sex? It wasn't Real Sex, but it was Real Sex Adjacent. I think it was Polyamory. Wasn't that the name of the show? I love the real ones. Real Sex is the same shit. You see them and you're like...

Tantric and the, but it's like, oh, these are regular people. - Yeah, they're gross. - This is the only way they get laid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Is to get into a group of it. - Yeah, yeah. Totally, that's a lot of it. And then there's also like BDSM, I feel like is also, there's a lot of like autistic people that love rules.

They love the rules around fucking. Wow, interesting. And so it's like, I am dominate and I have, you know, I have this many, I have, I put on my armor, you know, like they, they like having like accessories and fucking is like a video game to them. Right. You know, there's like, there's like your levels. You have to combine it with role play. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They learn, they learn how to like tie a bitch up. That's a new skill, you know, that's a new badge. You know what I mean? Like,

Do they get graded at the end? Yeah, no, they definitely, you know. I'm a mistress, I learned to do not. Yeah. Which to me, the whole mistress thing, I can't. I don't mind somebody like, but the idea that somebody would just like twist my nipples and step on my balls and not suck my dick at the end. Oh my God. It's like, look, if you got to do something fucked up to me first.

- Fine, I guess. - The way I-- - Fine, I guess, but okay. I get the power dynamic. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're hot, I'm not. - It's a switch. - Okay, fair. - You know what I mean? It's like I like to start off, whatever a girl needs to bust, I'll go to town, I'll go to work. 'Cause I know it's pretty simple to get me to bust, right? So we do your thing first. If your thing isn't getting your pussy eaten, and it is twisting my nipples and fucking slapping me, then like I'm not thrilled. But if you're hot enough, I'll do it.

But then I have to get my dick sucked and I have to fuck. I'm not just doing that and then it's like, okay, see you later. Like that shit's crazy to me. Do those guys jerk off afterwards or they just, sometimes they don't get allowed to jerk off, right? I don't think they do. They get off on like the psychological aspect of it. What the fuck is wrong with you? You should get off on killing yourself. Yeah.

Something really bad. Oh, my God. We're a kink-friendly podcast. Dude, I dated a lady who was a switch one time, which is like... Dom and sub? Yeah. Yeah. And whatever, fine. And so one day, we're at a bar. We're making out, and then she choked me. She's like, how do you like that? I'm like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your hands are so small. I mean, I can stop you in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. I don't know. Do you like that? Yeah.

She's like, what if I go harder? I'm like, I'll tell you right now. I just felt it. This new one is as hard as you've got. Yeah. I can feel the quivering in your hands and it's still not doing anything. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess I'd be into giving like a dominant, but it's just like,

I don't know. I've also just been fucking in this way for so long. Where it's like, the hot girls that want to fuck me, they don't want me to be submissive. They want to fuck a big fat guy. Opa! Give me your tits! They want me to really be horny, which I am. Be like, nice. Be like, awesome tits. Be like, having an awesome time. And they want me to, you know. Hey, you. I would cum probably in my pants if I heard you in a Maryland accent. Yeah, those tits are fucking funny.

Those tits are awesome. Oh show me them titties, baby. Oh my god. Oh my god. Your pussy is awesome. Holy shit Holy shit. This thing's fucking tight. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm about to boss. Oh my god. I'm about to boss. My bad.

My bad. Oh, yeah. Nah, you ain't got to get the morning after pill. One time I x-rayed my nuts extra long and that shit didn't work at all. One time I went there, I fucked my arm up and I paid the x-ray technician extra to let me x-ray my balls so that I couldn't have kids. I couldn't afford a vasectomy. You're good. You're good. You don't need no morning after pill.