Bonus #28 - Scott Chaplain [PATREON PREVIEW]
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So when you were young, you guys were broke and then your dad just worked more overtime, worked his way up. Yeah, he took the test, became a captain eventually, you know. What is it, lieutenant? I don't know how you do it, you know. And would you say your father was racist? No! So that's the main thing. That's when I go...

You know, you go, hey, was he scared? You know, hey, was he a drunk? Was he this or that? Did he, you know, was it hard to go to sleep at night? You know, you say things like that. I go, yeah, sure. You know, was he worried he was going to kill your pets? Maybe. Maybe. I was a little worried. But maybe that's just being a kid, you know?

Maybe that's just being a kid and you go, I'm scared of my dad. I don't want pets. Ma, don't get a dog. You might hurt it. But no, all of his friends were black guys. His best friend, who still calls me sometimes, is black. Wow, interesting. So he was just a sociopath. Interesting.

Just a non-racist sociopath. How interesting. A cop who... That's how we're going to advertise the episode. The first ever cop who wasn't racist. Yeah, just abusive towards his family. Just drunk as shit. Just drunk as shit. He also hit white teenagers when they were accused of a petty crime.

Yeah, there's a story actually of my oldest sister. She's 10 years older than me. So he had like more, you know, fight in him then. More gusto. Yeah, but the alcohol had taken over by the time I was, you know. Yeah, I could run up the stairs quick enough. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not going to chase him up the fucking stairs. So my sister really got it. And...

And she's 10 years old. And she got in trouble for going to a party or some shit. And the cops came and got, you know. My dad was somewhere drunk with his cop friends. And so he somehow found out where the kid was. He drove over. He drove over to the kid's house. You know, it was like, where is this kid? And my uncle was with him. My uncle's a good man. Doesn't drink. Also a cop?

That doesn't matter, but he's a cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am also a cop. Yeah, yeah. I just think maybe your rubric for what a good man is is a little thrown off by your father. I can't even say that word, so maybe it is. Rubric. Rubric. Yeah. I know what it is. I'm fucking with you. Like a grading scale. So they get to the house, right? Yeah.

This is more my sister's story to tell, but I'll introduce it to you. And they get there. My uncle, he loves my father so much. So the kid opens the door and goes, hello. And my uncle punches the kid. Oh, yeah. The good man. Because he knew my dad was going to punch the kid.

Maybe try talking him out of it instead of being like... Who's going to talk him out of it? My drunk dad? Oh, you mean my uncle talk him out of it. You can't talk him out of it. He knows my dad too well. And so he goes, let me take the blame. Let me give him a softer knockout blow. Yes, let me hit him first. I'll pull the punch 75%. And then so the kids ran away. They ran, you know, as kids do when a doorman are at their front door and start swinging. Dude, if you're a teen and...

your worst case scenario for your party is, oh, the cops come and they break it up. Sure, sure. And maybe they tell my parents. Yeah. Maybe worst, worst case scenario, they arrest me and I have to get picked up. It's not, cops come and start assaulting us. And that's a frightening scenario. You're like, oh, if this guy's, because once a cop punches you for no reason. No, he's not dressed like a, he's just a man. Oh,

He arrives as a man. Well, that might even be scarier. If a grown man. He arrives as an angry father. I think he was at like the Meadowlands racetracks. He was like betting that night with his cop friends. I see. They don't just dress like cops everywhere. I thought they were literally like, you know, on the job in the little, you know, just like clocks the guy. No, they were just dressed like, you know, construction workers. Gambling and some fucking chinos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he hit a child. So anyway, they had to go to court and stuff. And the cops would have been nice to them, but my dad was rude to the cops, you know, because he was drunk. So then the cops were like, well, fuck you then, you know. And these were cops in a different jurisdiction? A smaller town, yeah. And my dad let them know that, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. He let them know how small the town was, you know. He was like, this town is so small. In my town, the one I do, the one I do cop in at, way bigger than this fucking bullshit. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, so then they had to like, not only, I don't know, he had to like, what do you call that for a few years when you get in trouble? Was he suspended or what do you mean? You pee in a cup every couple months. Oh, really? Parole, maybe, yeah, for like a few months, I think. Okay. I don't know, something like that. They made him do something. Yeah. And they made him buy the kid shoes because the kid ran out of his shoes. Yeah.

Because when the kids ran away, he ran out of his secrets. That's like medieval justice. Yeah, I know. The sandals you ruined, you must replace them. Must walk miles in the sandals that you ruined and replace with better ones. They made your dad wear his fucked up shoes for three days. That's so fucking wild. But your uncle was the one who had to do this. Or your dad, too. No, my dad got in trouble for some reason, so I got to ask my mom. And she'll go, that didn't happen. He was great.

She'll go, what are you talking about? He's great. And then she'll kiss the picture of him next to every chair she sits in. Oh, fuck, dude. I'm exposing too much about the fan. That's right. They're good people. Yeah, that's, you know, we can... And they are. They're the best people. Your parents are good people, right? Well,

Well, your parents, your dad's not a good person. My dad is a good man. There's no way that's true. Oh, I swear. So good. That's not, you have fucking Stockholm syndrome. No, I don't. He was a fucking, he was a violent cop. No. Who didn't beat you that much because his knees had gone out by that time. Tupac, Tupac.

could sing a song like I get around and Brenda's got a baby right what do you call him a womanizer or do you call him a feminist I would call you just call him Tupac and you love him and that was my father I just called him Tupac he's not and he said I'm dad he's not as cool as Tupac he doesn't have any songs

His thing was just like not his best attribute is not being racist as far as you know, right? Like that's the other thing. Yeah, that is kind of cool. Like that is his, you know, yeah. In a land of racism. In a land of racism. He was just abusive. He was just not really like that. And he probably was a little bit, but not that much. But he wasn't even like abusive, you know. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, he was. Yeah.

*laughter*