Bonnie McFarlane [PATREON PREVIEW]
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I was reading the part where you talk about how you got your first TV spot. Yes. You're in Toronto and then you're just watching TV. And Caroline's Comedy Hour comes on. And at the time they did like a premium blend kind of thing. Yes, right. Where it's like, you know, we have like a showcase with stand-ups. Right, they'd have some kind of semi-famous, famous comedian host. He would host, yeah, yeah. And then, and.

And I was like, I'm going to get on that show. Yeah. Right? And everyone's like... Right, right, right. Just in some fucking shitty apartment. I'm going to get on that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys watch. Yeah. So the next day, I think it might have been the next day. It was very soon after I had this like... And I just...

for the number for Caroline's comedy hour. Over the phone. Over the phone. Landline. You call the club. You call the operator and you go, hey, I need a number. Where is it? And you're like, in New York. And they're like, let me see my number. And it's like a different time. Yeah, absolutely. And so I got to Caroline's comedy club. Literally the box office of Caroline's. The box office of Caroline's. And I go, who books the show? And they're like, what are you talking about?

I go, I need to know who books the TV show. It took a long time because this person was just like. Yeah, it's some asshole who's selling tickets. They're like, what? I go, do you do Caroline's the TV show there? She goes, yeah. Maybe it was a guy. I don't remember. Yeah. And then they go, okay, finally they put me through to this guy who booked Caroline's the TV show. He worked there. He also booked the club. Okay. He's just like in his office. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm like, finally. Like, I don't think it's weird at all. No, you don't understand that this is insane. No, I'm like, why did it take so long? So I'm like, hey, hi, blah, blah, blah. I go, I'm a comedian and I want to do the show. And he was like, kind of taken aback. But then he was like, I remember he asked me if I was cute. Hell yeah, now we're talking. I go, I don't have a full length mirror, but I think so. And I was like being kind of funny. And then he was kind of laughing. And then I book out. I was ready. I was ready.

Okay. Like that's how bizarre my brain worked back then that I was like, they're probably going to ask me to do something. And I'm going to just put me on the show without hearing it. And, um, so then he said, I have workers, workmen in my office fixing my ceiling right now. I'm going to put you on speaker.

And if you can make them laugh, I'll give you the show. I was like, got it. Ready. So then I just start doing material. I hear some laughs. I start doing a little crowd work with the workers. You're doing crowd work in Canada, long distance. Right. And then he gets up back on the phone. He's laughing. He's like, okay, that was great. He goes, well, yeah.

Do you have a manager? Like... I remember, so this is... I'm reading this and I'm furious. Right? And when you bomb, I'm like, fuck yes. You fucking... Fuck her. I was like, I'm so happy. Okay, but the night before I got there and he was... I went to meet him. First of all, he was very happy to see me. Yeah. I guess... You were cute. You couldn't just Google, like, what does this person actually look like? Just like, thank God. Yeah. Someone I can sexually harass. Yes. Yeah. He was like...

Okay. Yeah. But then, so we sat with him while he was auditioning other comedians and Jim Gaffigan went on. Oh, wow. And I was like, he's amazing. Yeah. And he was like, I don't think he's ranting.

I go, put him on the show. I go, I'm not doing the show if he's not on the show. Put him on the show. Now you're making demands. Now I'm making demands. I really thought it was so funny. A day before you were about to just bomb. I don't know that yet. Did it ever air? Did it air? Oh, yeah. It did. Oh, yeah. Fuck. So then I had to get my hair and makeup done. The day of the show was very, very nervous. More nervous than I'd been for anything. Yeah. Yeah.

I started to see the audience and I was like, this is so embarrassing to say, but I was like, these people looked harder than Canadians. Can I say that? These New Yorkers. These New Yorkers. Suddenly I was like. What the hell is that? A Puerto Rican? First time you ever seen a Puerto Rican in your life? Probably the first time I saw a Puerto Rican. Yeah.

They're carrying shopping bags that have seen better days and stuff. You know those TV audiences? Absolutely. That's the other thing. A TV audience is just people that need somewhere to be for three hours. Yes, yes. And then I went on, did bombed. Yeah. I couldn't make my mouth work. It was bad. It was like... Afterwards, after it was all done, I thought I was done. I was in the bathroom. I was crying. You know Caroline's in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that little green room bathroom? Yes. Oh, boy.

Like, somebody's pounding on it, like, we need you back, we need you back. Basically, you had to stand on stage and... Oh, so after you've been crying? Yes. So you're just, all the mascara has run off. They make you go like, or whatever, so that when they go, and tonight it's Bonnie McFarlane, there's a pic, you know. Oh, that's like the intro thing. There's like a little video of you going, but they wait till the end of the show to do it, and I couldn't smile, because I was...

I'd been crying. And so I was like, and the guy kept going like, okay, come on, just a couple of seconds. Just smile. What was it?