Big Jay Oakerson
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. I got my buddy Big J, Big J Oakerson here, promoting his new special, Dog Tooth? Dog Belly. Dog Belly, fuck, why'd I say tooth? That's fine.

Ari sent me the thing. He sent me the like... Trailer? The artwork. Oh, yeah. And he was like, what do you think? Because I guess you asked him about it. And I remember Dog. I should have... Ari produced. Ari's the executive producer on the special. So he's like very involved in it. Yeah. That's awesome. And he sends, you know, the people who are like popping from like figuring out the social media stuff particularly. Yeah.

Yeah, you send it off to everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's awesome is Ari, like, when you look this, like, I'm like, well, Ari's got all the answers. He figured this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And didn't realize that Ari farms out his questions, too, to you and Schultz and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the funniest thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll come back, and I'll be like, Ari, what do you think of this trailer here? And he'll be like, Schultz says the border's tacky. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, I mean, he asked me. Stavros said, make this bigger. And I'm like, by the way, I'm just like, do that. Yeah, yeah. Well, he asked me, and I was like, looks good to me. And then I was like, wait, let me ask the guy who designs my shit. And then he had a bunch of notes, and I was like, oh, yeah. It's not like I know anything either. I just hired my friend who didn't believe in himself enough to get another job. Can I ask you a Greek question? Please.

What is the tie to this pattern in the Greek culture? The Greek key? Now it is the Greek key. It's the Greek key. It's like a classic. It goes all the way back to antiquity. I thought it just meant coffee. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We do... It's like we are hanging on to shit that happened 4,000 years ago. It's fucking pathetic. It's like we peaked...

I used to have a joke where it was like, it's like the guy who peaked in high school. It's like, you know, if you were cool in the 80s, like Greeks are still driving a Trans Am. You know what I mean? Like they're still playing fucking Twisted Sister trying to get pussy. But the 80s is, you know, the year 3000 BC. You know, it's like we're a pathetic culture. Although it is nice that the world's loosened up enough that...

It's just called anal now instead of Greek. I know. That really was our thing for a while. I don't know how it started. If you had a prostitute ad, it would be like, no Greek. No Greek, yeah.

Yeah, for years it was like we were known for anal. Now we got yogurt. We switched from anal to yogurt. Yogurt's huge, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You throw the word Greek in front of that yogurt. Oh, it's moving. You're moving pallets of fucking shitty yogurt. Just throw Greek in there. And I will say that feta cheese, while in my top three cheeses of all time...

is the most inconsistent cheese from place to place. Absolutely. No, no, you're so right about that. You gotta know where to get... I mean, you're in Queens now. If you had... Well, Dan used to live across the street from the best imported Greek market in America. What's it called? Oh, the market. Yeah, Titan, Titan. We call it Titan because that's the Greek pronunciation. And then I said it to him and he's like, do you mean Titan? I was like, oh yeah, we're in America. Yeah.

I would literally be like, I'm going to go to Titane. You mean Titane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But dude, we literally... What the fuck is that sound, Elders? He's rewinding so he doesn't get charged. Elders, is this even being recorded, you fucking prick? What is that?

I hired my best friend to be the... Until three months ago, he had no producing skills. So he's really good. All things considered, he's great. But every once in a while, something like that will happen. I'll be like, make sure the microphones are on. Get what you pay for. I think it's just that I forgot to turn my camera on. Only the second time I've done that in the history of the show. Not bad. That's not bad numbers.

In Philadelphia, the feta cheese was always awesome. Interesting. Super salty. Interesting, yeah. Wet. You gotta have it wet. You gotta have it in the brine. That's the thing. You gotta get it in the fucking... In the brine or else it's bullshit. Now they have it in supermarkets and it's not the same shit. No. And when I moved here and you'd get it in cubes...

Or the brands? No, no, no. No good. You don't want... Anything Greek, you don't want it branded well. You don't want any of the money going to advertising. Nope. Like, if you go to a Greek restaurant and they have flat screen TVs on the wall... Walk out. Yeah, walk the fuck out. You want a guy in a stained wife beater. His chest hairs are in your lamb chops. Sure. But you pick them out. Best lamb chop you ever had in your life. It's when I went to...

I remember going to Mike Vecchione's family's house in Boca Raton once. Oh, hell yeah. And he was like, yeah, you got to come over. We'll go have dinner with my family. Yeah. I was like, absolutely. And man, it was everything I was hoping for from an Italian household. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His dad looked like, remember in Goodfellas when they were making like nice meals in prison? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had like an apron and a white beater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his body's a little older and baggy at that point. But he was just, when you walk in, you're like, hey, Mr. Vecchione, he's just slapping meatballs back and forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

so great i love italians are so misogynistic they won't let women cook important meals like it's like nah nah even the thing you do 90 of the time when we have company i make the sauce you fucking bitch this is a wedding annette nobody wants your tasteless bullshit go pack my lunch for monday through friday have all of my clothes laid out for the week

You dumb gabon. That is a salute to Italians, truly. I always say this, too. It was the funniest with the Italians.

It was just what I was hoping for at Mike's family's house. They had a wall of pictures. And there's three children in that family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe one here and there where the sister or brother are in the background. But I mean, they have a shot-for-shot thing of Mike breaking through a line. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes. Oh, his athletic achievements. Oh, man. They love Mike Vecchione. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he the firstborn? Yeah.

He might be the oldest. He might be the oldest and the best in sports. Yeah, I get that. I mean, definitely in my family, it breaks out where it's like... How many siblings do you have? I have three. Or I have two siblings. Three total. But there's a clear demarcation of like...

I was the oldest and I was the best at school. And so, and I'm like, you know, sensitive, you know, and it's like, and I was definitely my mom's favorite, right? Like, because I would have, you know, my dad's a fucking piece of shit. From like a young age, I had the emotional intelligence of like, you know, basically I'm like helping her through her bad, I was making her gay best friend. You know what I mean? Like I was performing the like, the emotional labor of a gay best friend to my mom's horrific marriage to my father without recognizing. Are they still together?

They are weird. It's one of those immigrant things. Sure. Same house. Same house, but like literally, like for my mom's birthday, I redid my brother's old... Because we lived in a shitty... We lived in like a townhouse, which was...

There was four bedrooms. And there was Queens? No, in Baltimore. And so my grandma had a room, I had a room, and my twin brothers had to share a room because they just were not bedrooms. So once everybody moved out, I remodeled my brother's room

into like a fucking little clubhouse for my grandma and mom to hang out. So it's like they just have like a little mini fridge. They're watching Greek cooking shows. It's like they're basically like neighbors. She'll like go downstairs to use the kitchen and it's like, and that's it. And it's like sometimes they'll like pitch in on groceries together. Like that's the level of like... So I was definitely her favorite. And then my younger brother, he... They were twins, but the youngest...

He was just good at sports. He had no anxiety or depression. So he was like the easiest to talk to. So he's my dumb dad's favorite because he's like the hottest one. He's good at soccer. My dad played pro soccer in Greece for a little bit. Oh, nice. And so, but that's like, that was the time where you're smoking cigarettes at halftime. Yeah. And he literally played pro soccer like when his carpentry shifts allowed it. You know what I mean? Like when he could get off. Yeah.

When he'd get off his actual job, he went to play soccer. Big game against Madrid. He goes, I put in for the time, but we got to see what they say. I'm out of PTO. I don't know. And so he was definitely like my dad's favorite. And then I feel bad for my brother who, he's an artist. He's a great visual artist. My mom, don't get me wrong. And they're twins. They're twins. But they're fraternal. We're all test tube babies. So, you know, they were born at the same time, but the DNA is whatever. Yeah.

But, and don't get me wrong, it's not like anyone neglected him, but it's like when you're, you feel that energy when you're like a little kid. Sure. So it's like, I'm sure if we went and did the, if we added up the pictures...

probably he's like third place. Really? The middle child, the middle autistic. You see me in the background like choking a cat to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing all the crazy shit. That's the thing. It's one of those nature versus nurture things where it's like if you're like a moody baby, you know what I mean? Like a shitty adult is going to be like, that baby's not as fun to play with as the fucking fun baby that's giggling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it starts at that age. Oh, for sure. And that only like... This kid's kind of a

That reinforces everything. Yeah, but he was... We have some great baby pics, but I'm sure none of... Like, from my mom's perspective, I know it wasn't, like, on purpose, but it's like, that shit just kind of fucking happens. My mom's funny. I have...

I guess five siblings total, but it's three with my mom and step-pop head. I'm the only child of my mom and dad. Right. And then my dad has two in Ohio, which is hilarious. Those two...

they're look like brothers of mine like we all oh it's like all big guys your dad's nut is strong strong yeah yeah yeah my your mom took on i didn't grow up with them i don't know them very well right right you know i love them as my brothers but like i don't how much what's the age difference so it's funny it's almost the same on both oh wow until the third i my dad's two sons i'm

11 years and 15 years older than me. Oh, wow. That's a weird gap. And then my mom, my brother's 11 years younger than me. My one sister's 15. The other one's 19. Wow. Years younger than me. Holy fuck. Yeah, yeah. 19 is crazy. Yeah. 19 years. So wait, your parents both had, I'm guessing your mistake is they're teenagers or how young? They were 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it was a mistake. Right. Right.

some tells me my dad was cream pie city dude he's all about it yeah i guess mistake is wrong because we use that for like you don't want a kid but a lot you do the thing to get a kid you know what i mean it's like it's like when you're fucking cream pie and it's like what do you think's gonna happen i would ask my dad but he's got so many farcical stories yeah i really when i was young he was so not around like my teenage years particularly that like

It took me to being an adult to be like, these stories probably aren't true. Right, right, right. You just throw them out there. It's like, you know, I beat Minnesota Fats in pool once. I was like, who's Minnesota Fats?

Then you look it up and you're like, no way. Well, that's awesome, Dad. Just a lie somebody else told him. He's like, this is good. My son hasn't heard this. I'm not in his life. We don't have any mutual friends. He got kicked out of the Navy because he got caught smoking weed with David Bowie on a stoop somewhere.

He literally, he told you that with a straight face. Those are such obvious lies now that it makes me the ones that are possible because he was like in the Navy and maybe he was like at sea and he said, uh,

So even a basic one where he was like, I saw Pink Floyd do the wall in Rome at the Coliseum. And I'm like, probably you didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something that is a possibility. Yeah, I'm like, you know what? That's probably bullshit. Yeah, you might have actually been in Rome and just decided not to go. But you're like, this will be good to tell, to say. David Bowie just walked by and said, hey, can I hit that? Hey, dude. Did he pop? Yeah. Did he know?

Yeah, you trying to spork up? But my dad was like, he split when I was like three. Okay. And my stepfather came. A classic Philly dirtbag move. Yeah, yeah. So I'll be right back and went to Florida. Yeah.

No, he was... Him and my mom had a fight. Okay. I don't think it was like a punching fight at all. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Awesome that you have to say that. You know what I mean? Well, I remember coming downstairs and he definitely had like hands on the arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like yelling against the wall. But my dad's actually not a very violent guy or anything, so it wasn't like that. It was just whatever they... He got caught cheating is what it was. Right, right, right, right. And I... It's nice to find out that when you're older too. You're the one who comes over and goes...

Donna rules, Mom. Yeah, yeah. She's like, who? I'm like, Donna, the girl who gave me this awesome ball. Yeah, you know the lady who gets me ice cream every Tuesday while her and Dad hang out in the car? You know how they get me ice cream? That was great. When my mom was dating, that was great when guys figured that shit out. He goes, bring this kid a little McDonald's, dude, and fucking push him right into the room. Hey, now get in your room. Yeah.

They would always, I would always be like, I have no TV in my room. And they'd be like, you should get him a TV in his room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to be 22 and single. Yeah. If you're going to be a 22-year-old single mom, you better get a fucking TV in his room. Yeah, dude. Get him something. But my mom, me and my mom, my step-pop came when I was like 10. Okay. And that was almost like a shock. I actually went and like pretty quickly after that, like.

Went to my dad. I was like, I'm going to go live with dad. Oh, really? And my mom... Because you just didn't like having a male authority figure or what? It just wasn't my dad. He was great. He was awesome in the case because he was an awesome dude. And then once he had to start being like...

No, you can't do that. You're not allowed to go there. I was like, what? Oh, that's interesting because you don't think about the fact that you're also like the child gets a honeymoon phase with the guy that his mom is dating. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's funny. They're still together. Like my step-pop's great. Oh, that's awesome. I love my step-pop. He's awesome.

again, they were always young. Like, my step-dad was 27 when he came around. Dude, that's so wild to think about that. Like, that's been happening to me where I'm like... Because my parents... It took them a while to have kids because they... Like I said, it was in vitro. And so I'm 34 and I think...

I think I'm the age my dad was when they had me because they tried to have kids when they were in their 20s, but you know, whatever. And I catch myself in the mirror and I was always like, I don't look like my dad, whatever. But now I'm the age that like in my childhood, my dad was. So I look in the mirror, I'm like,

no, like that's that face. I make that face. You're just like, holy fuck. Oh, I have a lot of my dad's like mannerisms face. Yeah. And when you think about that, when you think about that, where you're like, this is the age they were. I'm like doing, I'm podcasting. He's like, you know, beating off in a cup, praying, praying the eggs, the eggs take this time so he can finally be a father. He's been trying for years. We're also in this world though. It just is a change of a thing. You know what I mean? For sure. My dad,

Isn't even like, my dad isn't like a go to the office, like, like uptight, like guy like that. He's not, he's been a pothead. Yeah. He seems, if I had to guess, pretty laid back. Yeah. If his lifestyle is anything like his parenting style, he's pretty laissez faire. Yeah.

Well, he left my mom. He left my mom. They broke up. He went to Florida for a little bit and then moved back to South Jersey or Delaware or something. He moved around a bit with her. But my stepmother, who was significantly older than him. Oh, wow. They didn't really dawn on me at the time. Right, of course. And she had kids. Everyone's an adult in your head. She had kids who I remember he would discipline and it would be very weird. Yeah.

He'd be like, get the spoon. And they go upstairs and I'm like, I hear him zipping him in the ass with a spoon. I'm like, yo. I'm like, you're not their dad, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, you empathize with them because you're from a broken home too. Never put his hands on me once. I wasn't around enough.

You're like, oh, maybe it was good. Yeah, that's true. A lot of times the guys who abandon their families, it's like, you don't want that guy as your dad. You know what I mean? It wouldn't have been that awesome having him around probably at those times anyway. Yeah, exactly. I always thought it was funny my dad was the...

He really would give that speech of like, you know, weeds from the earth. Right, right, right, right. But I don't know if it's good or bad because it might have been fun to smoke pot in high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think just because I equated that with just like, ugh. Right. That I never smoked pot until I was in my 20s. Wow, yeah. And I was like, oh, this is awesome. He was right. It's just from the earth. What, it's just from the earth? Yeah. But you say that thing earlier about like your mom's favorite, like those years between my step-pop and mom.

My step or my grandfather passed away also. He took over a lot of the dad stuff for me to throw a ball and came to my baseball games and everything. But in my downtime was a lot of times was my grandmother and my mom. Right. And we're both great. Right. But you don't realize when you're getting like womaned up when you're younger. Yes, yes, yes, of course. And it's just so funny the things that I know versus don't. Like I have such limited...

man skills. You know what I mean? If they were like, well, I mean, and I remember the limited times I'd be with my dad. He's like, I got to run by a auto zone or whatever. Yeah. I'm going to get these new spark plugs put in the car. Right. And then you have to take it somewhere. And he's like, no, I'm just going to change the spark. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which played out funny later. I remember it was Dave Smith was with me. He came to see me perform opening for a tell in Pittsburgh years ago. And he goes, you want to come see the new car? And I'm like, sure. Yeah.

And we went down, he's like, oh, it's like twin camshaft. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Super blah, blah, blah, hemi. Yeah, yeah. I go, you left, dude. I have no idea what you're talking about. If you want to talk about days of our lives in 1997. But that's what I was going to say was absolutely funny when I would, I saw my mom's soap operas with her. Dude, me too. So much so that I always still think of Kelly Ripa as Haley from, with the crimped hair from the thing. Yeah.

Falcon Crest, Dallas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew all the heartthrobs were on those shows. Of course. And it was just, but that was like, we only had six channels too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'd just lay on my belly on the floor. My mom would be on the couch. I think my mom was like a size one. She still wore like zero jeans, so she'd have her pants unbuttoned. Phone cord strung across the whole room to her phone so she could be next to her on the thing. It's just ripping menthols.

And talking on the phone to friends like a child would. You were basically in a sorority house. This is like she's 20 or 21 or whatever. That's a funny thing to watch too. She also went back to college when she was like 27. Oh, hilarious. So then she started having, and she always worked in retail. She'd be like the manager of a retail place. But her friends were all like super hot.

Like to me, when I was a little kid, like just smoking hot, beautiful young girls. And they were. And now what's funny now is like, that's the thing about Facebook. Yeah. Like someone's like, oh my, they'll hit you up. It goes, your mom told me you were going to be, I want to come see a show. And you're like, pfft.

that Christmastime. And you look at the thing and it's like, I had to have my boob removed from cancer. I'm thrice divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but in your head, she's this perfect angel. They were. They were so hot. Oh, how much beating off you must have done to your mom's friends who also worked the Sears register. It's off the charts. No, my mom was also brilliant when she saw that it was going to be a husky child. Yeah. She became the manager of Casual Mail, which became

Casual male XL. Wow. It was called Casual Male Big and Tall, and that became DXL. DXL, wow, dude. But she worked there for it, so. That's incredible. Positioned herself for her family. Got there, was in the right industry. She's like, I see exactly how many dino nuggets this fucking guy takes down every week. We got to get to the DXL. It is funny that you think fat equates like.

Right. Like you'd believe that's the case, but it's not. It's just because we had spaghetti and butter and Parmesan cheese four nights a week when I was home. And then also my dad left. So when I'd be with the grandparents, it's like, I go, guess dad's not coming to pick me up this weekend again. Can I have an entire small pizza myself? Of course you can.

Of course you can, little Jason. That's so fucking funny. Absolutely you can have that. And then my dad would try to crash course it when I'd see him. He'd be like, you know until you had a boxer? Not boxer, like fighter or something. I'm like, no, but I've been in plenty. I remember just taking me out back and putting the hands up and then just drilling me hard in the chest. And then I just got emotional and it's like, you left me with mom. Yeah.

Are you kidding me? That's awesome, the idea that he would try and get like three years of fatherhood in in two weeks. It's like, all right, we're boxing. I'm showing you how to wash your penis. We're doing the birds and the bees. But Dan, me and Dan would always talk about this too. The poor single moms, dude, because...

those guys crash course it in like a weekend or a or you stay there for like you know a couple weeks in the summer yeah yeah yeah you would crash court you come home and it's like this guy got me nintendo right all things just kind of like shut you up and yeah of course you don't really interfere with his life trying to put his thumbs in your mother's ass and he was like all right double dragon probably buys me anal if i if i can get him double dragon and fucking mario 2 always does the like yeah he always came through like the big uh

with the big hits and then you're like dad rules yeah and then she was like when I was like well I'm gonna move with him she was like yeah go ahead and then I went there and I'm like dad doesn't rule at all dad sucks dad doesn't know me that well yeah that's so awesome to be like the vibes with my father aren't that good we don't really I was also a hyper scared kid and he wasn't prepared for that like those things would blow his mind really everything from like you know the dark right uh

You had a lot of phobias as a little kid. I hate so, and just like, noises. It's so funny, the things now, upon explanation, even back then, you're like, how did I still get so upset? Right, right, right. Our toilet, for whatever reason, like shared a wall with my bedroom. Yeah. And so you'd hear like, it just ran sometimes, you know what I mean? Just the sound of the tank lowering and then filling back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all it is. Rather than explain to me that's what that was, they would be like, it's just the toilet doing a thing. And I'm like, it only seems to happen when everyone else is asleep and I'm awake. Yeah.

Like, it's coming for me. Wow. And I think my dad was very just like, what? Because I loved horror movies. And then it was like, I'm sneaking in my mom's room that night, though. Yeah, I loved watching them. And then they would affect the shit out of me. That's hilarious, because I was probably a little scared as a kid, but I wouldn't, because of that, I stayed away from anything scary. I wanted nothing to do with horror movies. My daughter, it was funny watching my daughter grow up.

not afraid of the dark at all. I mean, she sleeps with TV on like me, but like, it's not because of her fear of the dark. She just doesn't care. She'll watch horror movies home alone by herself. Wow. And I'm like, I don't even do that in hotel rooms at night. Yeah, as a fucking grown man. I watch a lot of horror on the road. Yeah. Because like, you know, my chick doesn't want to watch that. Sure, sure, sure. So I watch all these shitty horrors and like, but always in the afternoon.

Yeah. Like at home at night, it's like cartoons or something funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, guys, grocery games. I'm a Food Network. I'm Food Network when you come back to the hotel. I'm a Man V. Food guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like slowly through seasons watching a man kill himself. Yeah. Well, Eldest had a little run-in with the original Man V. Food. Eldest was a fucking... Yeah, Adam. Eldest was a fucking troll. It's so funny because now...

As people who, like, we make our living on the internet, you're like, man, these fucking pieces of shit control you. Who are they? And then it's like... Then you flash back to Eldest getting blocked by Adam Richman on Twitter because he kept asking him what his shits looked like. Great question. I was like...

Pretty much just harassing him. But it's like, you know, he's a celeb. You're like, he's not even going to ever see this. And I was like, how's your shits? Like, show us a video of your shit. Post a video. Over and over again. This was like in college, by the way. I wasn't even a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he like...

You were what, 20? Yeah, something like that. And you're adding him and you're DMing him, right? I don't know if I added him, but... You were just DMing him? Yeah, just for that. Not DMing, just like on his wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, adding. Adding. And then he DMed me. And I think my... Your screen name was Big Stupid. It was like Really Dumb Idiot or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, your screen name is perfect for you. And then he blocked me right after that.

And I felt bad. I was like, damn, trolling is kind of mean. You check out of the trolling game? Yeah, it's such a hard thing to find out that half of them... Everyone wants to be... I stopped responding to it because...

Oh, you just, you have to. But it's also, that's eight out of ten times they go, ah, dude, I was, or even they give you like a sadder story, like, dude, I just had a bunch of shit going on in my life. Yeah, I was molested. I'm just being a cunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, man. It's never good. Or they're like, no, dude, I'm actually a big fan, but that's still my critique. You're like, what's the point of having any of this? Absolutely, absolutely. Put it out there, let them write what they want to write. No, but the sad one is always the worst one. It's like, yeah, actually, I have cancer now, and it's the only way that makes me feel good.

And then they ask you for money after. You're just like, all right. I have just gotten to the point where I just don't. And honestly, like, I mean, this must be the same way with skanks, where it's like off Compton, I was like, all right, I just have to have a blanket. I'm never responding to anything because some of these people are psychopaths. So it's like it's actually it was actually kind of freeing because once you do that, you're like, oh, who gives a fuck? It is once you don't. That's why I said it. But the Internet, that stuff, if you don't look at it, it's not there. Exactly. It means absolutely nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, it doesn't mean anything much in the positive. I mean, since, like, you know, that famous Dane Cook turned on his MySpace and, like, crashed a computer in some office of somebody. Oh, really? That was like, yeah, it was like, you know, it was like, why should we give you something in a space like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until that, like, the engagement doesn't really do... You know what I mean? It's like, but they...

feel they know you. Yeah, it's weird because we talk so much, yeah, for sure. And I do see getting, so if somebody's like, and most of them aren't, but if someone's got like mental issues, like not only do they know you, a part of them thinks you're talking to them. Yeah, absolutely. They're like, I get it. I get what you were saying to me. It's like, no, no, we've never met. We don't know each other. He's like, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll kill your girlfriend for you. So we can be together. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's the best part because it's like... That's why I love touring. So, I mean, I got into stand-up not to fucking... I got into comedy not to podcast even though, like, you know, we found a nice little niche that's fun, but... But it also is like... But when you go... I do correlate to Stamped Out. It's the same thing. It's like a lot of, like...

instant reaction being funny on the fly it's not a prepared thing for sure no no I think the skill set is obviously lends itself because some of the best for certain people and I think it's helped me talking for so long just helps you just like not get nervous when you're on stage like the idea that I'd get nervous on stage is so beyond I can fill time like if there's one yeah I see why I asked that you still get nervous I'm like

I mean, no one's probably going to come up and try to hit me again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true. Or this show, you know, especially because now you do generally shows that are like good shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. There's people that you don't have to do so much like shitty stuff anymore. So it's like the idea of that, you're like, I mean, they're probably not going to...

throw a thing at me. That's not going to happen three times in my career, is it? Right, right, right, right, right, right. Especially when you start at the absolute dog shit bottom where you're like, yeah, shit's only getting, like, the more success we get, the more it's almost like the shows, I would do them for free.

Where it's like you go to a theater and there's like a thousand people and they cheer your name. I'm like, this is where I make the most money? Not when I was fighting eight Ravens Sunday night football games on in a bar where I was making $40 to do 45 minutes. I was getting paid less than a dollar a minute to do fucking stand-up. But now these theaters, I make thousands of dollars. It's crazy too because that's so why you need...

And you find out, especially for you, we're kind of like popped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like with something like that, the kind of like a thing like does it. Yeah. And you see that mobile thing happen. You need like a team so much. Oh, my God. Because that question, I used to always answer it the same way. I think it'd be like, how much to have you come down to like an hour at the thing? And I go...

I've been paid zero for that. And I think, you know, if you do a special or something, like a hundred and some thousand dollars. So I'm like, so somewhere, I go, I don't know. Who's it for? How much do you got? And they're like, well, it's kind of a VFW haul. He goes, it's probably not going to be the hundred and

I'd like it not to be zero. Exactly, dude. Can we find him? So I under sell myself so much because you're like, you've done it. You're like, I don't know. It's like, it's amazing. The same job. No, you see a check and you're like, what? This is the only job where it's like the job's different. It's just the people paying attention to more. Yeah. No, I always thought that was the weirdest thing to the change. Um,

of like guarantee on the road because when i just look at that number i'd be like well that's what i'm getting yeah you see all that versus door yeah yeah yeah yeah and it is so funny oh the first time you get a door deal you're like huh well you also realize how much you've been fucked yeah yeah and it's just because you go and the only difference because a door deal if you don't uh if you don't sell them all out yeah

It's still wildly larger than what I guarantee. And you go, oh, the only difference is they are assuming these people are coming for me versus like, ah, it's a good weekend. But the business would make... Yeah, but the business was making that kind of money. And they make so much money on fucking drinks and chicken tenders. Don't even get me started on the business end of comedy. But just the feeling, though, is like... That's what I was saying earlier. I like going live because it's like...

When you're like an insecure little ass kid, like the reason you get into stand-up is because you get that instant... Yeah. So it's like, it's so funny that the internet...

it takes it all away you don't get any of the instant and what you really get that stands out is some idiot being like let me see your adam richmond you know what i mean like we get the equivalent of let me see your and it's like that's why i just love performing that's why at the end of the day i will still always just love you actually meet the people and no one's going to be a dick to you in person not in that part you know and if they are it's awesome because you then you get to be like

No, no, I'm so much quicker than you. Yeah, yeah. This is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That's why I say when people yell out, especially in audience and stuff like that, even when they're in the back, I'm like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and if you ask them to say it twice. They're like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's almost like the you know, it's like I feel like I can handle it for sure But like there's also like the bluff level to it, of course, we're doing it's like what but like eventually you do realize you go He's probably not yeah gonna be much better. That'll be the one day It's not the pitch. I don't think it's true the apocryphal Patrice O'Neill story. Yes, so he was heckling and so I was like Well, why don't you come up here and he crushed immediately just no way. There's no chance that happened I heard he was a door guy at the club and

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually he tried doing comedy. It's probably the real thing. It's probably what happened. And maybe one time he went from the door to stage. And then it becomes like he's wearing the same uniform. Well, I like when someone gets to tell their own story. You know Wendy Williams? She went to the radio and the talk show. Yeah, yeah, she's awesome. With those humongous fake tits on her old body. They look so awesome. It's crazy looking.

I was so intrigued by her and her whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, her show's incredible. Oh, well, she's done now. She's all, like, drugged out. After she had, like, four strokes on air. On air? Yeah, yeah. That's one of the wildest videos where you just see her eyes go like this. Yeah, so, and she's dressed like a Statue of Liberty. It's also, like, the worst day. Halloween. It's horrible, dude. Halloween is not the day. She's like, welcome back. We got a celebrity chef coming. Yeah. Yeah.

And then she just went down. Yeah. But we, I love it. I'm intrigued by her ego, her personality, her whole thing. Yeah, yeah. Her whole thing is so great. In like a bad way and a great way. It's both. And so she, in one night, it was at the show, what's the channel for ladies? Lifetime. It was Lifetime. In one night, it was a Wendy Williams thing. It was going to be the movie.

an actual movie of her life. Oh, wow. And then a documentary where she is clearly whacked out in those compression boots because she has a crazy leg problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's just crying about her divorce and telling the story. It's batshit. I gotta check that out. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the movie of her life...

It's just Corey Feldman's a person we always go at on bonfires here for years. And similar kind of thing, like not realizing that people really relate more to like your failures and your awkwardness and your losses. When you hype up everything. Yes. And the Corey Feldman best example was in his movie,

The two Corys they made? Yes, yes, yes. The rape of two Corys. I think the rape of two Corys is the documentary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in like the first couple scenes he's in high school and he booked the Lost Boys. Right. Which even in LA high school's

You're the shit now when you walk into school. Of course, of course. They go, what's up, vampire boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're fucking with him. And then he goes into the bathroom by himself, whatever. And then they come in the bathroom behind him. Wow. And apparently me and Soder know his, like, things so well. Because he was living with Vecchione at the time. And Vecchione and Christine, my girlfriend, both...

Said that we both paused it right there and we're like, he's not losing this fight. Yeah. Like, I'm not saying he's going to, like, kick three asses. He might. Yeah.

But he's definitely, and it was, they grabbed him, punched him in the gut. He kicked one of the nuts, hit the other one with the top of the toilet lid. And the third guy just hauled ass out. He was like, oh, I don't want none of that. None of that Feldman, that raw power of 14-year-old Feldman. Wendy Williams, in her thing, she was like, and I knew what I wanted. So I would go sit in the lobby every day of Kiss 105 or whatever it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I would just listen in the lobby to the host who's like a legend. I forget who she was, but it was a legendary host that she loved and looked up to and she couldn't wait. You know, she wants to get a job there so bad. Mm-hmm.

And then one day, this is her story, one day, that lady just didn't show up for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No call, no nothing. They just don't know where she's at. Where is she? Right. We need somebody to go on air. Oh, that lady who keeps sitting in the lobby. Right. So it's not the producer, not anybody on the afternoons, not anybody who works there. Somebody who did the shift before goes, can you cover another hour? We'll pay you double and whatever. Yeah.

You know, hey, before you leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we notice that our other person's not here yet. Like, can you do another, like, just roll and see what's going on? Yeah. Program music straight through or whatever? No, no, no. Not reruns, not nothing. Yeah, reruns. Some bitch that sits in the lobby that we haven't told her to leave for some reason. She's here every day. No one's bothered by it. She hasn't asked about anything. She goes on the air, and right away, you know, it's something like, you know, Method Man's gay. Okay.

And so-and-so's got married, but that's a beard because he's gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the production manager comes in, and he's like, and she goes, all right, we'll be right back, and I'll tell you what I think about who else is gay. And he goes to the commercial, and she goes, what's up? She goes, you can't just say things like that on the radio. And she was like, why not? And he goes...

It's revolutionary. Out.

outing people or accusing them of homosexuality or either libel or slander. Slander on the radio. We've never thought of that. We're going to be jammed up the ass with lawyers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's the way revolutionary goes. It's not though. Yeah, it's not at all. Howard Stern already existed. To accuse John Leguizamo of sucking dick. This doesn't make you fucking George Washington. Somebody finally willing to do it.

I fucking love that shit, dude. That's hilarious. That's the girl playing her in the Lifetime biopic on the very left. That's hilarious. It's the girl redoing the scene. Oh, they even do... They went all the way up to then? Oh, yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome.

Damn, we got to watch this, Eldest. It's so good. We got to watch this. Yeah. And it's just her husband would always just be there next to her like, uh-huh, yeah, no, baby, I got you. He's like her manager. Yeah. And no one liked him. He was like a pain in the ass. Of course. A big Suge Knight kind of guy. Of course, of course. And then she'd just be home and he'd be like out with every other tiny black woman who didn't look like a fucking oak tree with hair. Yeah.

And he'd be out there just fucking them on the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'd come home and he goes, they just found pictures of you again on a beach with another girl. And he's like, business, baby. Come on. Yeah, that was my favorite. One of my favorite moments when Carmelo Anthony had that weird time period where he was like retired. Well, he wasn't retired. No team would pick him up. And he was trying to make it work with Lala. They were separated. Yeah.

And on her birthday, there were pictures of him on a yacht with some girl with huge tits. On her, like, literal birthday. And so, like, and then he goes, it was a business trip. I was talking to her husband, who was...

Below deck. That was his fucking... That was his explanation to the media was there was a guy never pictured that he was talking business with, but the huge-titted woman that he was sunbathing with was his business partner's... a prospective business partner's wife. Do you remember the...

one of the Tristan Thompson ones. Oh, the hookah one with the two girls in the hookah bar? Getting in the limo? I don't remember that one. Oh, it's not the hookah bar. It might be after that, but I think it was the second one. The hookah bar where they were all over them. Yes, yes, yes. This was an outside thing. I love watching any kind of cop shows or something or whatever they show you somewhat...

one of my favorite things, someone sneaking around when they're completely being filmed. Oh, it's awesome. It's the funniest thing. You know, they're just like, you know, they're doing this. Yeah.

They're on full display all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was the best. Tristan Thompson's thing was he was outside of like a bar and these two girls, I mean, you know, wearing like nothing basically, come out. And like he just got, you know, you see him like say something to him without kind of looking at him. Yeah. Which is essentially getting the limo. Doing this, yeah. And they get, and he's just like standing five feet from the limo. And they get in the limo and then he just sits there like, hmm. Yeah.

Oh, my limo's here. And he just gets in the limo. He's just being watched the entire time. That's fucking awesome. Nothing makes me happier than that when someone just... Yeah. Because they think they're pulling it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I am a cat burglar. Yeah, he's the man to just get a... He got caught again on when she was giving birth. Picture, like, the day she was giving birth. He was found with, like, just some... They have no humiliation. She has no humiliation ever. She just, like...

Yeah, that's got to be part of it. You either have to understand you're going to be with a guy who's a basketball person who's going to fuck on the road and beg him to use condoms. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Or, I mean, for the love of God, go find yourself a Jewish accountant or something. Make it make sense. First of all, her, Chloe, imagine how scrambled her brain must be because she seems like...

I haven't seen a lot of the Kardashian stuff, but she, in the beginning, seemed like the most well-adjusted, normal one. And then, obviously, she had, who knows, self-esteem issues of being the ugly one. I mean, she wasn't ugly, but for a regular person, I grew up around some Khloe Kardashian-looking type ladies in Baltimore. I'm sure there were plenty in Philly. And they were probably, in our neighborhoods, six and a halves. Sure. I know, before the plastic surgery, but like...

Imagine. She got all carved up and fixed. And then, like, you get so famous, your sisters are, like, the hottest, are trying to attain this impossible standard of beauty. So you're still. And the other ones that are hitting that standard are only your half-sisters anyway. Right, right. And even your full sisters, it's like everyone's like, she fucked O. You're half OJ's daughter. You're half some big. There is, like, some security guard that she looks hilariously a lot like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they had? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same way there's like, you know, Prince Harry. There's some like redheaded like fucking horse. True.

Trainer. Trainer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so great. And him and Diana were really good friends. You know, like there's that shit. But imagine, and then it's like, who, just imagine trying to keep up with your sisters. Then Lamar Odom fucking almost dies in a crack house, in a whore house. On crack. Like, who was like, I don't know if they had kids, but they were married. Remember first they blamed that for, first of all, that shook me to the core. Yeah. Before all the widely available podcast sponsored dick pills. Mm.

And when Lamar was first thing he said when he wasn't admitting that he did a bunch of drugs, he was like, yeah, it was those gas station dick. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shots at Samurai 5000. Yeah. You leave street overlord out of this.

Now with no headaches. Fuck. Were you a big gas station dick pill guy in your youth? No, not even in my youth. Oh, okay. It was like... Right before... We actually bleeped that out. No free lunch. No free lunch. Okay? That's why I said dick pills. Smart, smart, smart. Bleep that out, Eldest.

I was saying on the DeStefano episode that... Because we haven't... The podcast is pretty... It's like, you know, there's like four or five months so we're starting to get ads soon. But I'm going to do like an unveiling. You know when like a college basketball prospect picks his school and he has like three hats in front of him? I'm going to have three different dick pill companies and I'm going to be like...

I'm the number one dick pill free agent on the market for sure. There's no more avid user of the product. Pitch me why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this going to change my tongue colors? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does this one have headaches? But yeah, that must... I think one time... When I said that, I was like, oh my God, am I going to die from these things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. So you got it right before it was widely available. You just had to make do with whatever was in the gas station. You know what happened? It was...

The most bizarre thing as, like, especially because, like, my girlfriend's, like, into chicks. Yeah, yeah. And not to have a humble brag, but with her, we were able to get, like, a quality of girl that I wouldn't have tried myself for. Of course. And it was working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I found myself getting nervous in those situations. Yeah, that makes sense. You bring back a monster. I don't need anything. I'm like, I know this dance. Yeah.

I get that though. You know what I mean? So I start being, I'm like, they're already going to be like, peel off layers. They're going to be like, oh, ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I can't come with a softie on top of it. So it was like, I don't think I had any medical issue. I think it was just like a thing. Too hot. You didn't believe in your dick. It didn't believe in itself. So yeah, that's when I was taking those. That's crazy. I'd go right over around the corner and be like, let's try a, you know. Let's try a rhino. Jay, that's fucking fascinating, dude. A rhino 6LL.

That's like some kind of... That's a diagnosis of something. I don't know what it is. Where it's like, yeah, it's like, oh, if I'm playing in my own league, I'm fine. But you fucking put me in the big league. Like, if I have to guard LeBron, I'm scared. Or like, if LeBron's my teammate, I'm going to miss more shots. You're not even against them. It's the same team. No, it is the same thing. I've always said that. I think the skill level in NBA, especially the stars... Yeah.

or well-knowns even, we'll say, is very equal across the board. Right, right. It's a mental issue. And I would say, I used to use the example because Iguodala at one point was the star on the Sixers. Right, yep. Iverson left and everything kind of left. He was like the guy. He was drafted by the Sixers. He was an all-star there. Yeah, everything. And he would, like, you know, he could hit some threes, but he could shoot a little bit. He was good defensively. But what he did was...

Whenever he would get angry and wanted to do it, six plays in a row, he'd come down and dunk on five guys at the same time. And he could jump out of the building. But the reason, when he has that ability, when he gets in his zone and just goes for it, why he can do that, the difference between him and Kobe Bryant, I always say, is that Kobe Bryant knows he's Kobe Bryant, and Andre Iguodala knows he's Kobe Bryant. He knows he's not Kobe Bryant. In his mind, he's like, I'm not that guy.

Right, right, right. I don't know if it's much. When you watch those documentaries and those people, you see all of their failures too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember that Kobe Bryant came in and actually whiffed them in the playoffs. I forgot about that when they showed the thing. I was like, oh yeah, he came in and took shots he shouldn't have taken and cost them playoffs. Kobe has a worse clutch performance

shooting percentage than LeBron, but no one would ever think that. The narrative is that Kobe was Mr. Clutch. He just took the shots. That's it. He was willing to take them. And don't get me wrong, he obviously had some incredible moments, but on aggregate, not that clutch, but it feels that way. But if you went to an empty gym and watched either one of them do what they can do, shoot three-pointers and stuff, I think...

Andre Goddard hits as many as Kobe. I think there's skill in the game. It's like, this guy's like, yeah, I want to do it. I want to do it. And other people don't want to do it. Right, right, right. Yeah, I see that. Too much pressure when you're fucking a 10 with your girlfriend. And I'm saying, when a girl comes in, she's like, fuck, I'm like. Because you're also embarrassing her at that point. You think so, yeah. If you don't dig her down, she's like, come on. Dude, Soto would love that so much because the awkwardness of it. I go, one thing I have not mastered in any way

is gonna do those things happen all the time but like i haven't mastered cool in that scenario yeah yeah the girl's always got to start and then i don't know what to do right so like i go i've done everything from like the best example is went and filled ice trays i'm just doing busy work yeah and then when it gets to a bed is the best part is like you know you hope they start kissing and then i do the burt reynolds next to them

You just lay like this and you go, let me know whenever. Yeah, yeah. Tag me in. There's no way to, yeah. You're waiting to be tagged. Yeah. In my mind, I'd like to take off a shirt and have like abs, maybe some rosary coming down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a rib tattoo. Of course. And then I could be right in that moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to get down on my tank top and she's going to be like, yikes.

See, that's the thing. Once I'm in that, once... Do you have belly button sweat? Yeah. It was, yeah. Yeah.

No, I feel once, I just feel like I've hit such a lottery that I'm not even thinking about. Because I've been lucky enough to have a couple. Now, most of them are bad. Famously, on my special, I talk about a horrific threesome that happened to me. And for the most part, they are bad. Well, those are the fun stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never told a story of a successfully wonderful threesome. No, you can't. No one wants to hear that. Yeah, no. Just like we know, the girl came over. Yeah, yeah. We had a girl come over one time and get like,

cross faded I guess like she was already drinking she was fine and then she goes I was like smoking weed and she goes I'll smoke some weed and then she just smoked weed and stared at us and didn't respond and then we sat on a chair her eyes eventually closed and we just slept on the couch like staring at her in that chair all night laughing

And then we fell asleep, woke up to a note. Just fucking putting your finger under her nose, making sure she's breathing still. You guys are going down. Yeah, absolutely. Oakerson and his partner are sex trafficking. Have a dead Ukrainian girl on their couch. Wake her up. To the note, what did the note say?

Just my bad. Sorry. Sorry. Crossfaded. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. I want to try again tonight. You're living the dream, though, dude. Well, it's funny, though. Let's try again tonight. And we were both like, sure. Yeah. We'll try again tonight. And so she met up with us. These Rhino XLs are doing a number on my blood pressure, but I'll do it one more night. Yeah. I mean, I have no headache. My eyeballs are about to pop out of my head.

I feel like I'm going to pass out when I come. My blood pressure's just bottoming out. Yeah. But she came back that night, and then we started fucking around, and she got on top of me. And I've never had this before, ever. The second she got on top of me, she goes, oh, you're going to come? You're going to come? And I was like... Immediately? Yeah, like eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? She goes... And then she kept saying it. I was like, yeah, I'm like...

what's, and she goes, she goes, oh, she goes, that's my thing. I like to see if I can make guys come like in under two minutes. And I was like, why? Yeah. And then she goes, oh, it's just like, you know, a thing like, so then like, everyone kind of stopped doing everything and I was sitting there with a, with a boner and a condom. Sure. I'm sitting there and,

We started talking. We started talking about this thing. And it's like, oh, yeah, but don't you want to come? And then she starts talking about how, oh, I don't even equate sex with coming, which is a very girl thing that I've heard before. I don't really... It's like, I come on my own, but I think it's hot to do this. Stockholm syndrome. And as she's talking, I'm just looking at my...

It's doing the bounce down, though, where it's like. Yes, of course. And I remember just sitting there, and I go, if my wiener hits my leg, I'm going outside to smoke a cigarette. And it was just like that. Whatever she says went boop. And I was like, well, I'm going to go smoke a butt and come back. And then I had a big shit laugh shortly after. It was like, it was two nights wasted on that situation. That's wild. You're going to come immediately? Yeah.

That is fucking... She was a cute girl. Very cool. There's nothing even like fuck her personality. I almost felt bad. I'm like, damn, what a thing she's like. Yeah. Because yeah, I'll go be a hole real quick for you too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't say it like that. Yeah. That sounds cool. That doesn't sound so bad to me.

He goes, just let me know before I crack this capsule of Boss Rhino. Dude, what I was doing before the... I never truly got into... I don't want to steal gas station dick pill valor here. I never really got into them. I think I took one once, and I don't think it even worked for me. But what I did do was, again, right before the mail companies started coming around...

You could buy research drugs. You could buy research chemicals, and one of them was the active ingredient in Cialis, and it would come in a little pipette, little droppers, but there was no dosage information. There was nothing. So I had this pure liquid Cialis, and I was in a newish relationship, and I really... We had...

This is my type of being gay, is like the way you are with like hot women and like your dick won't get hard. Like if I actually like a woman, the first couple times we hook up, I'm nervous. Because like most of the girls I fuck, I don't, you know, they're cool. I like them. Sure, but you don't look like it's going to be a long term thing. Exactly. So it's like I get so nervous that like I give them a real subpar dicking. But then once we get to know each other, my dick gets hard, no chemicals, right? Like my dick gets hard through love. Better, right? Yeah.

And then so Blood and emotions So this Yeah so this is early And I'm like I Dude I blew it The first time we hooked up Right Blew it so hard That like Later she would tell me This is how cool Of a person she was She thought my dick was hard And that I had a micro penis And that And she still came back So what a girl right Like what a gal Um

She thought my dick was like fully hard like this. She thought like my fucking soft ass, fat ass dick. And so I get this, but there's no dosage information. And I'm just like... I'm like...

Suck it out of the pipette, dude. I'm just taking so much of it. Literally, like, an insane amount. Like, you could have taken a little shot glass. And you're supposed to just do a drop of it. You're supposed to take one drop of it. And, like, some guy DM'd me afterwards. Like, the guy who put me onto it was, like, just some random guy. And I was like, dude, I was like, this shit was fun. Like, I DM'd him back. Or maybe it was, like, an acquaintance from Baltimore. And I was like, dude, what? Anyway. And he was like, dude, yeah, you were supposed to take, like, one tops three drops. But I'm like, okay.

You know what I mean? All of your body's blood goes to your dick. So we... Your ears are white. My eyes don't even work anymore. I can't see shit. So I take it and we hook up. And dude, truly, my dick was like so insanely hard. And I fucked the shit out of this girl. And it was like... And we really, you know, we liked each other. But I was like... I felt... I was like... I like... I fucked the hell out of her. I felt so awesome. And...

And we're laying down on the bed and I'm like, dude, I'm the fucking man. I fucking rule. And then I get up and like my head goes like... And I have the most intense pain that I like stagger. I'm like... And I have to like lay down in a cold... She gets a cold rag and puts it over my head. I needed like 20 minutes of just being like...

Still, my dick is hard, by the way. I just have such a hard penis. I'm like, yeah, I get migraines sometimes. I just made up an ailment. I was like, yeah, I get migraines. He goes, no, I think I'm dying. I think I have brain cancer. I was young. I didn't need dick pills to this extent. I was much less fat than this. And also that much of it. And certainly not that much of it. I could have taken like one. And dude, it was hysterical.

Blood pressure spike? I don't know. Probably what it was, I went to a... When I was like 18 or something, I tried taking steroids once for weightlifting. Hell yeah. And took them for like a month or two. And when I would fuck my girlfriend...

When I would come, I would get this crazy, I mean, splitting pain in the back of my head. I almost couldn't see. Oh, my God. I'd have to lay down like that for a little bit. And it's young, and she's young. So imagine her going like, what's happening? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, this is weird, this is a South Jersey trash story. Her mother, who was in her own right, I loved her because I just got her. She was just a mess of a lady. She lived with my girlfriend's stepfather.

And now his kids, who she didn't like. Hell yeah. She didn't like the kids. But whatever, they were teenagers, so I guess maybe they had a shitty person. They seemed all right to me. They seemed nice enough. But the kids were living with them all because their mother died suddenly in a car accident. Oh my God. And she was still shitting to them. They were like Cinderella. She's the evil stepmother. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Which was a fun time. You know what I mean? But like, it was so fun. And she would, you know, and when you're on the one side of it, it's funny. Like you have to just kind of nod as it's like these fucking kids. Yeah. Technically you're her ally. Their moms are drunk and gets in a car accident and dies. And now I got to deal with these problems. And you're like, that sucks. But you're almost like, lady. Yeah. Yeah. You're the victim here. Yeah. These fucking kids. Stop saying this out loud. No one's going to agree with you. She, uh,

But so she... Oh, so one of the... So you're busting. Yeah, her daughter's birthday. I don't know what her daughter told her. She was like... I was 19. She was probably 17. Yeah. Like that. And her mom goes, oh, she wanted me to get you a room at one of those like... It was like Feather Nest Inn or one of those places where it's like there's a hot tub in the room and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's gross. Of course. It's disgusting. It's a fuck motel, but it's got like, you know, porn on the TV or whatever. Of course, of course. And she...

And she got us this room, which I thought was an odd thing already. Also, I'm nervous because I'm like, I don't want to waste this money, but I want to talk to her mom about like when I come, I see a pass out. And she got us the room. We fucked that night.

came, almost passed out. Went to the hospital the next day. Straight from the love motel? I had to tell them, yeah. Whenever I cum... You didn't use ejaculate? You didn't know it? Philly public schools back then weren't teaching ejaculate? Yeah, so when you cum... When you're jerking, eventually some cum's going to come out. I'll tell you what, even if you just wipe it off, you think it's gone, but it's going to dry up and be crusty after a while.

The health teacher. That's incredible. You know what's up? Fuck, not to jump off track. No, please. How little I know. My step-pop is one of the smartest people I know. Yeah. He went back to college. He was just like an underachiever his whole life, sort of. And what's funny was when he's so smart, when he met my mom, he's worked at a GNC. He's like a weightlifter guy. Oh, yeah, dude. But he's so smart. He goes, what up?

You know, she got pregnant. He's like, well, I got to get something going. And it's basically, what do you do again? My mom's like, respiratory therapy. He's like, I'll just go do that. And then he just like bangs out. Really? Fucking like college. He aces college and just gets a job right away. Damn, what a man. It's pretty... Fuck. What was I going to say? What are we talking about that I'm getting off track of? You busting in the motel. You're in the hospital. You say you come to the doctor. Yeah, but I said to the doctor that I...

He goes, are you doing any drugs at all? I was like, no, I really didn't take drug in my mind. I'm like, yeah, just drugs at all. And he goes, nothing. You're not putting anything far in your body at all. I go, oh, I go, I just started a small cycle of anabolic steroids.

He goes, stop that. And I never had a problem again. I stopped it and it was never, it was my blood pressure. That's why I asked about your blood pressure. My blood pressure was just fucking spiking. No, I 100%. Dude, you got to come back. There's so much I want to, yeah. Oh, I know the thing. Yeah, yeah. I was saved by my step-pop in school. So I thought he was the smartest part. He, people would come over, he would tutor them when he was in college and stuff. And he was just like, he's just a naturally odd person.

Very, very smart guy. But he also is a dude. Dude. Sure. And so one of the things I thought was the coolest about him was that he kind of just spoke freely. But I'm trying to remember the right word here. It was something he called something in the house that I thought was... It wasn't jism, but it was...

It was some word like that that it was like they were talking about ejaculate. They were using it. Ejaculate, something, something. And I was like, anybody know any other words for this? Nut. And I was like, whatever it was, it was so like, I thought it was a medical term. Yeah. That's why I want to remember what the fuck it was exactly. Oh, no, it was names for condoms, I think. Rubbers. Jimmy. Jimmy has, and I called it a,

Something, a bag. Yeah. But it wasn't, it was something bag. Yeah, jizz bag, cum bag, nut bag, cream bag. It sounded like it should be all of these, but I said it so confidently, you can see the teacher's face go like, okay, jit. Jit bag. Jit bag. In school. In school. Oh yeah, we gotta use jit bags. Completely, completely,

I was like, these other assholes don't know. He goes, I live with the smartest guy in the world. Also sometimes referred to as a jit bag. And the teacher was like,

I mean, all right. We're just going to keep it moving. Shitbag. Goddamn. That's awesome, dude. You got to come back because I have so many questions about just like the upbringing. We didn't even broach the subject of your stepfather's huge penis. We didn't even get there. We do our research here at Stobbies World. But we got to answer some questions before you get out of here. Sure. We need your perspective for some of our fans. Absolutely. So, Eldest, let's get some questions here before our friend has to go.

Alright, hi. Of course not. Never gets it on the first play. Alright, hi, Scott. Well, first things first is like, I guess I do have a boyfriend. I'm not guessing at this, but I have a boyfriend and recently I have just...

been or like in the past year i've been definitely by nice but i have never been with a woman i love my boyfriend but i don't know if i could live with my life without um

Having sex with a woman. Yeah, of course not. I just wanted to know what your thoughts were on that whole situation. But thank you. Have a good day. Bye. Okay. This is nice. This is cute. She's realized something about herself. She wants to eat a little clam. Nothing wrong with that. We support that here. Yeah, I think the answer is simple, uh...

Tell him and then start doing it. I think this is 15 minutes of your day. Yes. Have you ever tried canceling a gym membership? That's way more annoying than telling your boyfriend you're a bisexual woman. He'll be jarred by it for a second and then...

If, well, what she's not saying here also is like, does she want to go have like a different thing with a girl? Yeah, that's the thing here, right? I think, well, first of all, she says she has a boyfriend and she's worried. She just realized she's bi. She didn't say what her age is, but you don't sound that old. I hate to break it to you, but just...

by statistics this relationship that you're in I'm not saying it's ending tomorrow I'm not saying it's ending next year it's probably are you gonna get married to this person cause you're talking about this like you realize this the day before your wedding as a mature woman and you're like wait what if I never I got news for you you're probably not marrying this guy and you'll be able to eat some pussy even if he's not in the picture but all the answers are at the bottom of a hot pussy laughing

That's where we find salvation. Like Snapple Factor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the back of her Volvo. Now, do you want... That's another thing. Do you want your first experience with a woman to be in a threesome situation? That seems like a lot to me if you're like gay. I don't know. Some people can take it a different way. I almost think that maybe it would be...

An easy win. An easier thing like that, yeah. Yeah, the pussy's too much. You get confused, so you play the easier level. You go back to the dick after you get confused by eating pussy. There's almost like a buffer to it, too. You know what I mean? Yeah, get your confidence back up, getting his dick hard, and then go back to eating pussy. That seems kind of fun, actually. I say first things first. Get, and it's so hard to say to a woman, I apologize for being misogynistic. Get the right kind of drunk, and then stop drinking.

And then do it. That'll never happen. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're... Yeah, first of all, a couple drinks never hurt nobody, right? No, but don't get to where you're fucking going to cry afterwards. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. So she loves her boyfriend, but she doesn't know if she could live her life without having sex with a woman. So you have to think about two things here. Do you want to just...

How much do you want to eat pussy right now or get your pussy eaten by a woman? Is it so much so that you're going to break up with him? And if that's the case, should you float an open relationship? You're a young woman, so this guy's probably a young dumbass. Like myself. She definitely doesn't want him to fuck other people.

But she wants to get pussy? She wants to get pussy, but she definitely doesn't want him to like, on his own, open relationship because she wants to be with girls would be too ideal. Who knows? The women are weirdly more open than men about these. Here's the thing. I've talked about this where I'm like, I know it's homophobic, but...

But I would literally let my girlfriend fuck women. And I understand I'm being... In my head, I'm like, well, a woman's not the same as a man. Equal to a man. Sexually, they're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in my head, it's like you're putting yourself in the danger zone for her falling in love with a woman is I think the counter argument there where it's like, yeah, sexually it's not the same thing, but you could get left for... Like to me...

I would just be like, I can't overcome that, overpower the part of my brain that's like, nice. You know what I mean? Of course. Maybe the presentation of it is something in the realm of like...

you know, you kind of drop like a heavy hammer that's going to make him like take a seat. Like, Hey, I have a, I'm worried. He goes, I'm having some feelings about our relationship. Oh, I mean, it goes about like a, it goes, I'm having to be about, you know, being attracted to other people. And then when he sits down and has it like, Oh my God, he goes, I think I want to like try having sex with a woman. He's going to,

He's going to take out his electric guitar. You'll see the color come back to his lips. Don't ever say something crazy. I thought you were going to cheat on me. What?

I know you're gonna go fucking knock snacks with some chick. Oh, cool. He goes back to playing Xbox. Yeah. He doesn't even pause the game. He goes, excuse me? Oh, nice. Okay, cool. You almost made me lose my place. Oh, fuck. I just got hit with a green shell. Hey, hon, hit me back when you have a real problem.

So, yeah, the odds are... Are they here now? Is the girl here now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just watch his dick get hard as you tell him that? Unless you're with a guy who's, like, super religious or someone who's got some weird aversion to it. That was the most interesting thing. Howard Stern's always said that when that comes up to him. He said he would be absolutely the same kind of jealous if his girl was with another woman. And I really...

Just don't ever feel that. I know, but that's... I wouldn't say it's religious because it's like, I do think we're lucky to be too stupid to let it... to let that jealousy... You know what I mean? Like, this is a win for us where it's like, ignorance is bliss. Like, yeah, probably a woman might be... It's probably more dangerous for a woman because it's like, you might be the best man

male match for your girl. But then it's like a lot of women are more pleasant than me or you. You know what I mean? So it's like letting them out there to fuck girls who might be better at eating pussy, might have more emotional intelligence. This is an ignorance is bliss thing for us. And my point is for her, she's pretty young. Her boyfriend might be just as stupid, probably stupider than us.

So he might hear this and be like, nice, go eat some pussy. You might fall in love with that girl, but your conscience is clear, sister. That would be a bummer, though, too, if she goes like, yeah, I'll open it up so we can bring the girls back with both of us. But I'm in the super dykey chicks. Yeah.

I'm into a bitch that looks like Drew Carey from the Drew Carey show. Not even Price is right, Drew Carey. Motherfucker with the bowling, the 2XL bowling shirts and the thick glasses. She's wearing a jean vest and a...

A fucking tank top. Yeah, that would be interesting. That would be... Yeah, I've never thought of a... Hey, this is Ruth. That's never what you picture when your girl's like, I'd like to bring another girl home in the bedroom. Hey, this is Ruth. She plays beer league. Barb's about to eat your ass like it's a pussy. You come because there's some lesbian, some like hardcore butch lesbian eats ass so good you're like, oh, fuck.

I just feel like you were paying a little too much attention to Sue. So, yeah, I think you're okay here. Um,

Have the conversation. Obviously, at some point in your life, you're going to fuck a girl. You deserve to. This is part of your identity. You clearly want it. And so if you think you need, if you can't get through this relationship without fucking a girl, then talk to him about it. If you think, you know, maybe we see how things go, this might not last, you're in college, whatever. Or if you want to, do the threesome of that, pitch that to him. And look, it might be the kind of thing where he's not supportive of,

He doesn't want you to fuck girls. He doesn't want to have a threesome. And he might be the Howard Stern type that says, I'd be just as jealous. Then you just have to break up with him. But if you get a retard like me or Jay, you might be eating pussy by tomorrow. You know? He'll help you search. Rest in peace, Craigslist. Fuck. All right, let's hit us with another one, buddy boy.

That's funny too, if she goes, yeah, I think I want to have sex with other women. He goes, I was going to sit you down and tell you that. Yeah. Hey, Stav, Elvis. First time, long time. My non-binary partner and I just moved to a rural-ass part of Central Valley, California. Okay.

Yeah, a lot of redneck kind of bullshit out here, which I can kind of enjoy. I'm a tree guy, tree climber, but we moved out here for their job in the medical field. And believe it or not, we're having some trouble making friends. Should we just hightail it and run as soon as we can, or try and figure out how to be hillbillies, I guess? I don't fucking know.

Love what you're doing. Love the show. Thanks again. All right, buddy. Thanks for calling in. Love you, too. Love you and your they-them-ass partner. So, basically, culture shock is what he's talking about. It's like his partner's non-binary, but that's probably just the tip of the iceberg, right? They probably just don't get a...

This is not their scene. Like, I could not be in a fucking rural place. I'm sorry. I'm not living. I'm not putting down roots in a rural place. No. Like, could it be a little less... Spaced out to New York, for sure. Yeah, for sure. In fact, it would be nice to have a little... Suburbs, yeah. I could probably make do in the burbs at some point in my life. Or, you know, whatever. I do love Queens, though. I kind of want to just buy a house here, honestly. Fuck yeah. And just fucking live here. There's beautiful neighborhoods in Queens. I love it here, dude. But...

So you're a tree climber and that kind of shit, and they work in the medical field. Yeah, I'm more confused about that. He goes, I'm having a blast climbing trees. Like a goofy idiot. My wife's out here doing fucking medical research. She's trying to cure AIDS. I'm climbing trees, and I can't make friends. What's your job, bro?

You're climbing trees, they're fucking... Yeah, they're doing x-rays and shit. Yeah, easy way to make friends. Get a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then maybe those people are cool. I mean, yeah, I honestly... This does feel a little cut and dry to me here. It does feel like you just don't like where you live. And they work in the medical field. That's a...

There's hospitals literally fucking everywhere. I mean, I don't know what the job is in the medical field, but... Depends what she does. Yeah. You got to go rural if your specialty is fixing hair lips or something. Right, right, right, right, right. I do club foot repair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, yeah, they're like cleft palate, ringworm. We de-ring you. We de-worm you. You're probably not going to be in San Francisco. I'm doing research on how to make cousin fucking DNA stable. Trying to make that genetically stable so you don't have three eyes or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So that would be... Look, I don't know the... We don't know the specifics here of the situation, but...

that's part of being like relatively young and moving around. You see what you like. Is there, unless this job is crazy good and you're making a ton of, you know, they're making so much money that you can just afford to climb trees all day. If it's a purely financial thing, then you have to weigh the pros and cons of like,

you know, the salary versus what kind of your quality of life can be. But my rule is if you don't love where you live, that's going to affect every aspect of your life. And like shitty apartment to shitty city to whatever, that's every fucking day. And that's, to me, that's one of the few things in the world that it is worth living

splurging on is like housing and location and if the vibes aren't right where you live you don't want to hack it somewhere you don't fuck with you know what i mean i don't know yeah why would a non-binary move to a hillbilly place yeah just for the job because her job her medical job is cutting penises off of hillbillies she does quiet backroom hillbilly transition surgery

That would be pretty fucking cool. She goes, I'm here to put tits on farmers. But then you create your own community. Maybe that's how you do it. That's the move. They start chopping off cocks and putting tits on farmers. You can create your own friends. You got to do this.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they open up a little fucking clinic and they become the Central Valley, like the best. You make the nicest pussies and dicks. And you have a bunch of trans and non-binary friends. Now you're on to something. Where did you get that awesome dick? Or open up. Central Valley, California. Yeah.

With all the hillbillies? Be surprised. Or if you don't want to chop, you know, if that's too much and you just want more non-binary friends, you could specialize in, like, cool mullets. You could open up a barbershop that does the best mullets ever. I heard your son. He goes, she goes, honey, come down from that tree. He goes, no. No. I'm not coming down until you say we can move. I don't have any friends here. Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be awesome. Central Valley, California just becomes a bunch of people named like Nico and Sock and Sage. Just a bunch of classic non-binary names. All right, good luck. I would say, personally, I move. You shouldn't have to really work too, too hard. Obviously, there's going to be an adjustment period, but you don't want it to feel like a total uphill battle to change the place you live. You want to fit into the place you live, in my opinion. If you work in the medical field, too, as you said...

You can live at least in the kind of place you like. You want to be the town. You can get closer to it. So that the work you have to do is easier than like, you know, like we said, whole, literally. He's going to come back and be like, well, Stav, here's the problem. Not a lot of trees in that area. You can't just keep this bird grounded, dog. All right. Hit us with another one, Big Elde.

What up, Tavi? I'm from Miami. Huge fan. Been following your YouTube and your podcast a lot. Just wanted to show you some problems I've been having. If you have any advice for me here. I'm a single father. I have a one-and-a-half-year-old with me. Unfortunately, the mother got hooked on drugs, and she's not around anymore. I have 100% custody of my son, and we're doing well. He's doing fine. I absolutely love him.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's one. I love doing the whole dad thing. The issue is I have not been able to get back on the horse, man. I just haven't been dating. I haven't been trying to as much either because I barely have time with work and my kid and all that. I'm a mom on the weekends and try to go out, but I just... It's like I don't have the energy to do that almost anymore, and...

Another issue is that I have really standards in girls. I've dated really, really good looking women. Unfortunately, the mother of my child did get her own choice, but she was absolutely gorgeous. My exes before that have always been really, really hot girls. And I've tried the Tinder thing and I've tried the Facebook dating and Hinge and all that, but all I find are just okay girls. And I know I sound like a huge dick for saying that, but

I guess I just have high standards. Maybe I need to lower mine now that I'm a single father. I don't know, man. Just wondering what you think.

Would love to hear your opinions with whoever the guest is as well. Love you, man. Thanks for everything you do. This is so great. He's like, look, I have high standards. She was addicted to crack, but huge tits, brother. She was a smoke show. When she wasn't nodding off on heroin, there was a gleam in her eyes like you wouldn't believe. The wettest pussy. Till the meth took root.

I'll tell you what. If you do lower your standards, you hit a local bowling alley and start singing that sad tune of having the mom left you for drugs and now you raised a child, you'll get laid a lot. But that lady probably has some sort of wrist corrective thing on her arm. Absolutely. Not all her fingernails either. So...

And it's from hammering things. Yeah, I was hammering something. I lost it now. So, look, yeah, I mean, there's a couple ways to look at this. I mean, this is, first of all, salute to you. That shit is hard being a fucking single dad with your ex, you know, your ex on drugs, all that kind of shit. It sounds like he has his mom in the picture that can look at the kid a little bit on the weekends. And, look, the energy thing is real.

But you're going to have to realize like...

I don't know about the standards thing. I mean, I do think, yeah, you do have a good narrative here. I think you're a sympathetic figure. You're, you know, you're looking after your son. He must be a good-looking guy to be able to get nice pussy. I don't know. Yeah. But nice-looking drug addict pussy is a little bit down the road. Right, right, right. That means he had cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're holding, it's not that hard, apparently. There's a lot of ugly guys with hot chicks on cocaine. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe ask your ex for her plug, buy some good drugs, and then get good pussy with it. Yes, because I think I need heroin strong enough to make a woman leave her family. Anytime I ever met a guy who goes, I'm a single father, I go, dude, what did she do? When me and my ex-wife split up, I wasn't even...

Thinking about battling around that thing, I'm like, they're not going to give me. She'd have to be all fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a lawyer. She's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So, yeah, there might be a lowering of standards here a little bit, but I also think you might be in a place where

You should maybe, you know, you're tired. This has been a traumatic fucking event. You have a little ass kid. Obviously, you want to get your dick sucked, but you might want to wait until you feel a little more stable here. Your heart just might not be in it.

He said he's tried Tinder, Facebook, Hinge. All I find are just okay girls. Or a hot chick with like a chink in the armor, like crazy body, but you see the stretch marks from the kids she has. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe you need to find somebody with a kid, you know, act like fucking Jay's stepdad here. Find yourself a 23-year-old with her own kid. Yeah, hit that one. Yeah.

But not yours. Take out all your frustration on that kid. Your kid's already had it enough. So yeah, dude, I mean, I do think part of it is with anything, right? With dating,

You say they aren't up to your standards. Has becoming a single father made your, you know, have you, were you an eight and now you're a six from the stress of having a child and working all the time? And a drug addict ex? Yeah, a drug addict. You've dealt with a lot of adversity. Are you in the best place you need to be to get top shelf pussy? And also, maybe, just maybe, now at some point I think when you want to settle down,

Being a responsible single father will actually, that will help you get a higher quality of woman, I think. I think that's like a very admirable thing. It shows that you're responsible. You can look after them if you can look after your kid with nothing, with no other help.

Also, if your son is one and a half and that great of a guy, go to Tijuana and get hookers with him. Is he a good hang? Is he that good a dude? This kid's so cool. This kid rocks, dude. He's got the best stories. Also, look, he's pretty young. Now's the time to walk out of the park.

And just use him as pussy bait. He's adorable, dude. One and a half right before... He's not wrong. You know? Yeah, use the kid. Get a baby Bjorn even. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Get a baby Bjorn. Work on yourself. Use the kid to hook, to get pussy. And then also, look, you might need to start a little lower than your standards. Talk to some... You know, go on a couple dates. Get back on the horse in general.

No one... You don't get back to... After you've taken a break from anything, you don't go right back at 100%, right? You need a couple warm-up starts. A pitcher blows out his shoulder. He doesn't fucking play in the World Series the next day. He goes to the minor leagues. You know what I mean? You might need to get a little minor league pussy. A couple rehab starts until you're ready to go. You know? So, yeah, go on hinge. Right.

But not from rehab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You already got one ex dancing with the brownstone. Just the analogy. That's purely, that's the metaphor. No, don't literally try and get rehab pussy. So yeah, maybe start with some of your lower things. Go on a couple dates. And that's advice for anyone who's trying to get into dating. It's like, just go on a couple dates. Maybe use your massage parlor. See if the pipes are still clear. Yeah, that's certainly one way. Clear out your mind.

So yeah, dude, start where you're at. Go on a couple dates. They tell people when they're looking for jobs, take a couple job interviews with places you don't even want to work so that you're not nervous in a real job interview. Take a couple dates with people that you're kind of on the fence about. And who knows? You might hit it off. That's the other thing. People online don't look that great in person. You might hit it off with them. So...

Don't be too hard on these people. Don't be too hard on yourself. Be a little harder on your son. Yeah, be a little harder on your son. Calling him a great guy at one and a half is impossible. Oh, the guys love me poker. All right, here's with another one, Big Eld. We got to get our friend Jay out of here. Yo, sexy stuff.

Question me for a second work at a I think it's hilarious because they're all like transcribed Yeah, your name has it will never be right. Yeah, I get Bobby I get sexy stuff. Yeah He said sexy stuff Steve, baby. People call me steel say Steve. Yeah, the Google transcription is not that good. You know

Nice. Nice dude, that's awesome.

So I guess my question is, should I push myself and try to get a promotion, or do I continue just kind of chilling, maybe going through the ranks, eventually getting the bigger money, but kind of just...

I'm just chilling, honestly. It's pretty nice to chill. I thought you'd be going through the ranks of Call of Duty. Yeah. I'm just going to start to keep chilling, going through the ranks. I'll give you the Sergeant Major. Yeah. Dude, I think you're in a nice spot right now. Now, maybe I'll use it for Call of Duty. Here's what I would do. You got a relaxing-ass life. You don't have to work that hard. I wouldn't...

Can you get another bullshit job? Two more hours? Yeah, can you get another shitty job like this where you just don't have to work that much and now you're making two salaries and you're barely doing shit?

That might be better. You don't want more responsibility in a fucking... I'd spend a couple hours only fans in a day, see what happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could play Call of Duty and whack off for gay dudes once a day. Put that boy pussy to work. Yeah, get that thing out there. I think age matters. Right. These guys got to put their age, though. Everyone so far, age makes such a difference in the advice. That's a good point.

I think he sounds young to me, though, because this happens a lot where it's like big corporate... And one of the beauties of working for a big company is that like... You're lost in the sauce. Exactly. You can just fucking... I remember Eldest when he worked at CBS. He was a horrible employee. Yeah.

We lived... We used to... This used to be Eldest's apartment, too. We've been friends since we were kids. And we were roommates, and Eldest would just, like, be going at, like, 11, 15. You know what I mean? Like, he's just showing up to work with a fucking breakfast burrito. He's, like, an hour and a half late, but he stopped for a fucking... For a snack. He was so bad at his fucking job. It was awesome, dude. That's the beauty of it. Yeah, they don't know. Unless...

Multiple complaints start coming in about you. That never happens because no one's working in these situations. I would tell this guy, if you have a situation like this, hold on to it tight because it's an awesome setup. If you just get to play video games all day, out of any 9-5, what you really want is...

The thing that'll pay you the most for doing the least amount of work. A hundred percent. I remember when I was working there, I was like, yeah, I would like go in late, like leave at four 59. I started like working out, got my life in order. Cause I had like the space. I wasn't worried about work and shit. Exactly. So I think you should like, you know,

hit the gas on being a piece of shit at your job and just like doing the bare minimum. No, that's a great point. But also keep in mind that like eventually it will go away. It'll end. And when, when like things get, things go south with a company, they have a bad quarter to, uh,

you're going to be one of the first ones you're like looking at for a layoff. A hundred percent. You got to like, keep that in mind. It'll never last forever. And you know, you can find a balance, like, you know, think about the optics and like meaningless reports to make it look like you're working hard to just show like the work you did. But you know,

Don't actually work that hard. But what you said is a great point because I remember that time in your life. He literally did get his life together being a shitty employee. Eldest would fucking... You looked like shit. You were fat as shit. He lost a bunch of weight. He started buying hair oil. He was oiling his beard every fucking day. You should have seen the hures he was bringing home back then. And then he glows up, gets a nice girlfriend. Truly, CBS...

Helped Eldis become the man he is today. Before, it was like Bushwick four and a half after Bushwick four and a half. Shrugging through the walls of this apartment. And then Eldis was like, what am I doing with my life? I have to be a shitty employee and improve myself. And he did, dude. He really did. So that's another thing. Because you're using this time to have an awesome time. But Eldis is correct. It will end at some point.

So use this as a method for self-improvement. A little Call of Duty is fine, but it's like you're making a lot of money. It's like do you have shit? Do you have something you want to take? Because, yeah, Jay's correct too. Age matters. Because if you're 35 years old and this is happening, even like mid-30s, you're like, well, I guess now I'll probably make the push for like the promotion or kind of figure out your thing. If you're getting to the point where you're like, you know,

so much information left out. Do you care about having a family at all? Or are you just like, who gives a fuck? If you don't give a fuck at all, really...

Yeah, it's fine. If you don't care about having roommates, what difference does it make? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people that really don't give a shit about those things. For sure, for sure. People are just like, yeah, I don't care. I don't care if you're in their 40s and just have roommates. I'm like, yeah. But if you're a young guy and you want to prepare yourself for that time frame, is there some other shit you could be doing now that when you have responsibilities that make it so that you can't play Call of Duty and you have to have a real job... See, right, if he's 23, 24, and he says...

I can just chill and maybe go through the ranks eventually getting the money bigger. So if that's even a possibility, then like, yeah, you should chill. Do that. Get jacked. If you want to lose weight, now's a chance to do something that you will never have a chance to do ever again in your life. Have you wanted to get jacked? Have you wanted to fucking...

Even traveling. Like, if it's a work-from-home job, fucking go travel. Go see shit and work for, you know, do a little two-hour meeting from, like, you know, Utah or Italy or wherever the fuck, you know what I mean? Like, wherever the fuck you want to see. Now's your chance to do something. What if he goes, those are the two places I want to see?

And not even like the cool stone, like the cool outdoor parts of Utah. He just wants to go to Salt Lake. He just wants to go into the city. He just wants to see the Salt Lake. Yeah. He doesn't want to take any hikes. I heard the Vivint Arena is nice. Which we're going to be at, by the way. I'm pumped for that. We're both doing the... We're doing bird shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be fucking sick, dude. I can't fucking wait for that. Dude, that tour is going to... I did it last year, dude. You did? It's fucking... It's a blast. I can't fucking wait. We have to do such little time. That's awesome. And just fucking...

Yeah, yeah. I can't fucking wait. So listen, that's our advice to you. This is a golden opportunity you have. Do not waste it. Find a thing you want to do because it will slip through your fingers. Make sure it sets you up for success like our friend Elvis. Although what set him up for success was his friend getting rich by accident.

If we're going to be honest, he'd still be at fucking CBS right now being a shitty employee and just getting fucking constantly worried about layoffs. And that's what works. But, you know, in another life, take this opportunity because it's a beautiful time in your life and make sure you use it instead of just playing Call of Duty. That's our advice to you, my friend. Anyway, Jay, you got to go. Guys, go watch Dog Belly.

We're going to see it. Free on YouTube. Free on YouTube. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Go watch that shit. Let's run this fucker up. Let's get 100 million views on that motherfucker. Yeah, let's bury Ari. Yeah, fuck Ari. Fuck Ari. Yeah, let's get... Although I was going to say, let's get one back for the Gent... You're Gentile coded, but you are technically Jewish. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you're such Philly trash that it almost makes you forget you're Jewish. I came from a Jewish...

and black neighborhood in philly yeah and never even understood what jews they're talking about when they talk about anti-semitism and then when i moved to new york i was like there they are

What are you talking about? Jews smack their wives too. It can't be real. I've never... Jews don't eat ham? Don't Jews just drink Budweiser's and fucking smoke Newports? What are you talking about? Jews don't... What do you mean? Jews keep kosher? Don't other Jews just happen to be Jewish? Yeah. No, they're super into it? Yeah. Oh, okay. Just eating fucking ham and cheese hot pockets all day. You're like, this is fine by me. My ex-wife went to...

Cardozo Law School, which is a yeshiva university. Oh, hilarious. She's Hispanic. The first day, she said she walked into the lunchroom and put a ham and cheese sandwich in a microwave. They yelled at her. People came out in hazmat suits and removed the microwave forever. That's fucking incredible. That's so fucking funny.

Damn, dude. But look, that's also funny because that's where a racist person would assume the best law school is. It's like, let's go to the most Jewish law school there is. You know, let's go. I'm going to the Ireland University of... Go watch the special, everybody. Jay, thank you, buddy. This was fucking sick, dude. Thank you so much. Love you, buddy. Thank you. Love you too, man. See you guys. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.