Bert Kreischer
01:55:35 Share

Welcome to Stavis World, everybody. 904-800-STOV. Call in. We've got, I'm so pumped to have him, Bert Kreischer in Stavis World. Welcome, Bert. Thank you for coming out to Queens.

I am so, thank you for having me. Do I say your last name right? Haliakos? Very wrong. How do you always say it? Stavros? You over Greek it. It's Halkias. Oh, fuck. It's Halkias in Greek. Halkias. But Haliakos sounds more Greek. Haliakos, yeah. You know it's just in Greece. Really? Where were you? Doing a show in Athens. How was it? Holy shit. It was fucking awesome.

People got it. They understood. My opening joke was, I'm so fat. It's on my special. Yeah. My special Razzle Dazzle. Check out Razzle Dazzle. Streaming right now. On Netflix. Go watch it right now. My opening joke was, I'm so fat when I jog my ass hairs tie in a knot and the place went fucking bananas.

It's a country that understands ass hair humor. And I mean, women are slapping their legs. Men were slapping their legs. And I was like, what's going on? We're very hairy. And I went, oh, so you get this? And they're like, oh, keep going. Yes. It's a hairy culture. I'm one of the most hairless Greek guys there are. I got a little light dusting, but nothing crazy. Yeah, yeah. But it was awesome. We went to an authentic Greek meal where they just started bringing out food. It's the best. And it was...

So good, and then the morning we woke up, we went out to a little peninsula and worked out and then jumped in the ocean. What's the ocean? Eugene? No, it's...

Oh, whatever. We jumped in the ocean, went swimming, and then got on a plane and left. It was fucking awesome. Dude, Greece is the best. Have you done shows there yet? No, not yet. Oh, my God. Those are going to be epic. I can't wait. Can you speak Greek? I can. Oh. Yeah, I can. But I'm worried about doing stand-up. I've never done stand-up in Greece. Just a little bit. First of all, everyone gets English there, right? Yeah, yeah. So just a little bit of Greece, I would think,

Greek would have gone a long fucking way. You'll do it in an arena when you go there. Hopefully, yeah. I want it to be real special. Also, my relatives don't understand I'm successful yet, so I want to keep that on the down low. So I want to just like, I'll wait until things are going real good. But like, I think once Rogan happened, even my Greek like,

cousins were like, hey, wait a second. What's going on here? You know? But until then, they truly had no idea that things were going good. You know, they just thought I was like dumb. My uncle would tell me every time, get a real job. He's like, didn't you go to school? What are you doing doing stand-up? So I'm going to wait until it's

Awesome show to do shows in Greece. It was awesome. We went to the Parthenon. No, no. What's the one on top of the mountain? That's Parthenon. The Acropolis. The Acropolis. The Parthenon is the thing on top. The Acropolis is the whole thing, and the Parthenon is the structure there. It's so fucking cool. Dude, it's incredible. Did you go to that museum? Sorry. By the way, yesterday, I saw Mark Birbiglia, and he gave me a book, and I went, oh, thanks. Yeah.

Okay, the only thing I'll say about that museum, and I'm with you, you don't strike me as a big museum guy, but it's like they've recreated the Parthenon to what it was back then. So you see all the sculptures. You see what an ancient Greek guy was looking at when they went there. It's fucking sick. It's something I would consider going back to. You don't have to read any of the placards. Just go enjoy your scene. We did a day tour. We got a tour guide, and she drove us around.

And we saw the the it was the day the the King died. Oh wow Yeah, so everyone was flying in and then we watched the fancy fancy guards do their their razzle-dazzle kick step Oh, it's so funny that people in Greece gave a fuck about the that guy dying. Yeah, that sucks. Fuck that guy. Fuck the king He can suck my dick. We have no King Those are a bunch of German and British cocksuckers that they put on top of Greece. I'm glad he's dead. I

Fuck him and fuck the Queen of England too while we're at it. They have our fucking marbles. Bring them back. They stole a bunch of our shit. They got a bunch of Greek shit. I mean, they have stolen everyone's shit. England stole everyone's shit. That was their gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was honestly shocked. Meghan Markle. Would you Chris Rock do that joke? I don't know. That was their gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. His grandma was like, you're just supposed to fuck them and leave them on the island. That's what your grandfather did. You don't bring them home for Christ's sake, Henry. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it is funny to be like, can you believe the Queen of England is racist? It's like she had Indian slaves when she was a child. Yes, she's fucking racist. Dude, her husband, that guy, Philip, he lived the fucking life. He was technically a prince of Greece, but again, fuck Philip. Do you know what he used to do? What's that? He used to get on a boat and just road trip the islands with his boys and raw dog native chicks.

That's all he did. That's all he fucking did. I love it. People are like, we have to respect the sacred institution of the monarchy. They show it in the crown. They show him on an island like, oh shit, I got to go home. Get these girls off me. Yeah, yeah, get them out of here. Execute them. If you're pregnant, pop. Pop.

The prince has his goon squad to just assassinate you, but he will nut in you. Philip will nut. You know he came in people. Without question. He's the prince. He's royal. The royalty doesn't pull out. They wouldn't know what to do with it. Can you imagine a kingpin?

I'm gonna shoot him off on your stomach! The royal seed. I'm grisony! You want to scoop that up, sell that. Put that in a fucking little necklace. You may want to swallow this. I am the prince, you know.

Yeah, fuck them. I'm glad they're all dead. My wife said, thanks for not coming to me the other night. We were drunk and we had sex and she's going through menopause. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't know if she can get pregnant or not. And so we had sex and I just pulled out. And she goes, hey, you're not coming to me tonight.

Like, this should be his shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for not busting inside. It is always, oh, when you treat yourself to a bust and you're like, you just have to live with that. I mean, you're married, but I did treat myself to one fairly recently. And I trust the girl, but you're still, for 10 months, I won't be fully not anxious. You know what I mean? Like...

I vividly remember those days. Yeah, you were a piece of shit. I don't think I have... No, no, no, no. I've only been with six chicks. Interesting. But there was not one time I had sex that I was confident I wasn't going to be a dad. And it's interesting. It's what makes me love my wife so much because I don't... I never care. Like when I met her, I was like, all right, if I get her pregnant...

This is the one. Right. This is the one. God will tell me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did. A very Florida way of thinking. Yeah. I do love that, though, because, like, only fucking six, but you did party, and you were a fucking animal. I have intimacy issues. Oh, interesting. It sounds weird, because I don't mind...

No, let it all out, baby. I can't... That's why I have a hard time making friends. Because I can't... I can never close the deal. Interesting. I don't like showing everyone. I don't like showing people who I am. I don't mind doing it on camera. Right. But like... Right, because there's a natural distance there. Yeah. You can fake that intimacy that's so hard to actually do the next level of it when the cameras are gone. I fully get that. Like every time... I told Rogan when he wanted to be friends, I was like, this guy's trying to fuck me. Yeah.

I was like, I'm waiting for him to try to kiss me. Every time we hung out, I was like. Was this like young, sexy Rogan? No, this is. What era? This is Cro-Magnon Rogan. Okay. This is the one that we all know now. Okay. So the first version of that, like. Yeah.

current Rogan 1.0 the very beginning of him getting jacked right like black still had a black beard still had hair oh yeah and uh and like I just never trust anyone I've always been trusting but that's awesome that you don't trust him and the thing you think he's gonna do is fuck you that's awesome because you think he's gay and you also think you're such a piece of ass that he can't I don't know which is a bigger stretch the fact that Rogan's gay or that he wouldn't wanna fuck me

I told Ari, I go, when I first met Ari in Redman, I was like, so what's his deal? Is he gay? And they're like, Joe Rogan? No. I was like, come on, man. He tries to hang out with dudes all the time. We're friends. And I'm like, oh, God. Oh, God. But yeah, I have a real hard time. I have a hard time kissing. That was my real... Wow. Probably no joke.

I've probably, well, I also am afraid of, I was really definitely afraid of getting someone pregnant or changing my life by a bad decision. Right. And so, or getting a disease, like all these things scared me. And so, but I would be shocked. I think I probably kissed way, I think that number would shock you way more than the six people I've sex with. Right, right, right. Because I had a hard time just kissing someone. Interesting. Because I couldn't turn it off.

I couldn't be serious. I kind of see where you... Because, like, my issue was always... Like, I was really confident. I was a fun time when I was growing up. But I didn't have the intimacy issue with... I had the, like... I was nervous to get rejected when it came to a girl. So it was like, that's what it was for me, where it would be like, I'd be... I could, up until the point of...

It becomes like a sexual, because all my confidence in every other arena, I had it, right? Like, I believed in myself in every way except with women, because that was still nerve-wracking, no matter how confident you were, like, socially. So that's why it took me, like, I didn't fuck until college, but once I had my college girlfriend and I was, like, comfortable around women and comfortable around sex, I was like, oh, then I'll fuck, right?

I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? Like, once I broke that seal, I was like, yeah, I'll fuck whoever. Or I would not. I lost my virginity and then chose not to have sex with a bunch of chicks that I dated. So I was like, I'm not emotionally ready for this. Wow. Because it fucked me up. So you lost your virginity in, like, high school or something? 17 years old. 17. Had sex twice. This is young, peace-ass baseball-playing Bert. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I had sex in my fucking Letterman's jacket.

Lost my virginity twice in that thing. Once in your ass, the second time in your ass?

My dick was between her butt. She couldn't bet. So the first time I had sex, I just nutted into nobody. I didn't even fuck a person. You nutted into like your hot dog bunter ass? I just right here. She was like, are you going to put it in? I already came. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just fucking around.

Ooh, that was bad. That was really bad. So you nutted in her thigh gap, basically. In her thigh gap, and then... The way Abraham Lincoln and his friend used to have sex, so it wasn't gay. Was that for real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him and his boys used to fuck each other's thighs. That's pretty documented. And by documented, I mean I heard it once, and I've been repeating it forever, and I've never looked it up. Eldest, look up Abraham Lincoln fucks his friend's thighs while me and Bert continue talking. Yeah.

I had a chick fuck my thigh one time. With her fingers? With her pussy. Oh, with her... Oh, okay, okay, okay. I wouldn't have sex with her. Oh. And she was... I mean, like, she came into my room and wanted to fuck. This is high school or college? No, this is after college. Okay. Came into my dressing room. I'm trying to speak in code. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And was ready to fuck. Wow. And I didn't want to have sex with her. Yeah.

Yeah. Although, you know. Yeah. And so. See, this is. Okay. So it's interesting because we have some overlap. But if there was a woman, like even in high school, the only time I ever saw tits or got my dick touched was when girls were driving. You know what I mean? Driving the bandwagon. Yeah. So that's, there's a big difference. Because like the idea that you had someone rubbing her pussy on your thigh and you wouldn't fuck. That's, there is a, that is very interesting. It was like a, you don't want to. Because the intimacy issue at that point, it's like you're pretty intimate. Yeah.

You got some pussy juice on your thighs. Honestly, it was a fear of getting someone pregnant and getting a disease and getting locked down to a person. I also, like, believed in, like...

When I lost my virginity, I didn't necessarily love the girl. And because I performed so poor, it gave me really bad anxiety. Right. Oh, interesting. And so, yeah, like, I can't smell the smell of Benetton colors and not want to throw up. Like, physically throw up. And so, I mean, I remember a girl wore it to a football game my senior year. And I went, uh-huh. Because that was what she was wearing. Wow. And so I...

This girl came into my dressing room and was kissing me and got naked and sat on me and went to have sex. And I was like, hey, I don't have anything. We can't have sex. She was like, I don't care. I was like, well, I do. Now I really do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I care more than you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't fuck you with a condom if you asked me to. The only real on Raw Dog is if you initially ask for a condom and then change your mind later. If you're down immediately, no thanks. I mean, first of all...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't do that. Sorry, fuck it. Yeah, yeah. There's that Patrice O'Neal joke where it's like, you're like a raw dog and woman. You're like, this dirty bitch is going to let me fuck her without a condom. As if you're not, it's not also your decision. You're like, you can't believe it that moment your dick's going. You're like, can you believe this whore? It's like, you're the one doing it. Yeah. I remember what it was.

My wife, I wanted to have anal sex and she said no. And I said, cool. I just need to know if you've done it. Hilarious. If you've done it, we have to do it. Yeah. You're not going to be my wife and some other guy fucked your ass and not me. That's crazy. I got dibs on any shit some other guy did to you. The one guy that didn't get an ice cream cone. Yeah.

Oh, I got to have fucking sorbet? No, I want a full banana split. Absolutely. That truly is absolutely correct. If I found that out, that would... Like, if 20 years into a marriage, I found out five guys fucked my wife in the ass, and I never have, that honestly would shake me to my core. Oh, my God, guys. I would look up a divorce attorney. I'd be like, that would be awesome to say in court, Your Honor.

Come on, I'm going to be the one who doesn't get to do it. We find for the plaintiff, on account of his wife was being a fucking bitch.

I'm going to pass out. I'm going to pass out. Oh, man, that's so funny. Oh, my God. I've tried to tell that story since the day it happened, and it always comes out in, like, a real mean tone. But for whatever reason, you got it. No, I fully get it, dude. It's your wife. You got to think it's my wife. I'm fucking right.

I get dibs on her ass. And I need a number. I need a tally of how many times the other guy fucked her ass. And I got to do at least one more. I got to be the record holder. If my wife's ass is a Pac-Man machine, my initials are the ones up top. It's not somebody else's. That's a fucking way to ruin marriages. Just go on Instagram and start sliding into DMs. Just tell you, you know, I dated your wife in high school. I fucked her in the ass. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Yeah, again, oh man, that's, yeah, that would be truly devastating. So you might, so we're talking all vaginal, six. All vaginal. No, your dick has never been inside of a butthole. Okay. Okay.

Let's just say it tried to sell at Bibles. It's trying to sell encyclopedias, but they weren't big readers. All right, I got you, brother. I don't count readers.

No, no, that doesn't count at all. You're completely covered in rim work. No, I was pretty locked down to chicks. I'd get a chick and then... You would date. Yeah, I'm the gayest dude you'll ever meet because in college I would go to the bar hoping to fall in love.

I hope someone finds me and gets me. Yeah, someone finds me chanting. I hope someone gets lost in my eyes tonight. I have a bunch of girls I'll keep in touch with that I never even dated, but took out on dates, but never hooked up with. So I was afraid to kiss them. And they're like, Bert's like the best guy. Wow. So yeah, so. Damn, I cannot relate to that at all. But I also got, I got my dick sucked a lot. Okay, fair. Like I fucking partied. I wasn't. Yeah, yeah.

All right, that's good. That's good. I was really in the blowjob. Shirts off in front of a chick that masturbated one time. I mean, I was a fucking... A Tim Tebow situation. Tim Tebow was getting his dick sucked in Florida. Yeah, I'm a Tim... I'm like a Muslim. I'm like a Mormon virgin. Mormon, okay, I see. I soaked. You soaked? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had learned about soaking, you'd been all over it. That would have been the perfect loophole.

Yeah. God. No, that's, that is, so yeah, I mean, cause that's, that makes more, getting your dick sucked makes more sense. Cause if you're partying and you're in fucking Florida and everyone's getting drunk, someone's put, if someone's rubbing her pussy on your thigh, she's putting your dick in her mouth. Yeah. I would, I would hook up with chicks. I also had like, so the, the blowjob numbers are off the charts. Pretty high. Okay. Okay. Okay. That makes pretty aggressive. That's where I was. I was more comfortable in that. But that doesn't, that's so far. You can't quote the six number.

Six is hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, that really is a... That's like a loophole. That's the way, like, the Catholic Church... You've fucked six people in the eyes of the Catholic Church. In the eyes of the Catholic Church. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm getting into heaven. Yeah.

Yeah, your dick's like by thousands of just whores in bars, but you're like, I'm a prude. It's funny, too, because my wife doesn't mind if I go to strip clubs, so I'm a regular guy. If you saw me at a strip club, you'd be like, he's a regular guy, but I definitely, since I've gotten famous, I've had offers of chicks to have sex with.

Oh, yeah. It's actually gotten to the place where I can't go really to strip clubs anymore. And I used to enjoy them so much. Because it was a Florida thing. In Florida... It's cultural. That's how you... After hours was at a strip club. So you want guys and girls all in strip clubs. Yeah. And it was fun. That's a fun vibe with girls. Yeah. I like a strip club with a girl. Especially like you're around bi girls who just also want to fuck the strippers. We went to... You met...

the lady out there. Yeah. She works for me. Uh, we went, we were in Alaska and there's this great strip club called the Alaskan Bush Company. Great name. It's awesome. Great name.

And the type of chick that's dancing in Alaska is running away from a lot of stuff. Absolutely. I mean, they're like, they're fucking. To get to Alaska, number one. Oh, and there was, there was, and by the way, if Alaska Bush Company, if you're listening, you should put the profiles of your girls up on your Instagram. And then, so we can follow them. And then maybe they don't want that baby. Yeah, maybe not. You should put their home addresses on your Instagram too. So we can just show up whenever we want.

But I go, and I said to everyone, we got done this show. We did, oh, the Alaskan Airlines Center. I'm doing it again next year, New Year's Eve. I'm doing it again next year. And so we did two nights. So the first night, I say to everyone,

Let's go to a strip club. Let's go to a strip club. And it's this great strip club. It's very... It's a hang. Yeah. Like, there's guys and girls. And it's nice. It looks like out of Deadwood. Hell yeah. And so I was like, it's cool stuff. That's a cool vibe. And so we bring, like, my personal trainer is a girl. We bring two of my female employees. All the guys are there. It's like we're packed. Yeah. We roll in. And I'm sitting in the front row. And I'm, like, excited. And I'm like, isn't this fun? And the lady you met out there goes, oh...

oh my God, this is full nude. And I went, I go, what? She goes, this is full nude. I go, what makes you say that? And I turn around and a woman just has her vagina, right? Like just sitting in front of my face. I go, oh, this isn't what I thought it was. And I look around and realize there's no women. It's a bunch of fucking long, long, short oil rig workers. And I was like, oh, this isn't, I remember it differently. Yeah.

Just holding it open. Alex, didn't you say when you went to Baltimore, you went and this woman was just like, you were the rich or something, and some girl was literally just holding her pussy open. I went in the basement of the Hustler Club. It was like a Saturday night. So it's like packed upstairs in the main room. Downstairs, there were like four people, including me and my friend who went. And it was so dead. It was just some cracked out strippers on stage. And this one was like coming over our table trying to talk to us. She was like...

Just make some small talk. Then she's like, you gonna tip my friend? I look on stage and this dead-eyed stripper is just on her ass and feet, just pussy-wide open. She's looking right into my eyes. And my friend was like, let's go. Please run upstairs.

Dude, we went in Denmark to a strip club when we were on tour in Europe. It's me, Mark Smalls, Shane Torres, my assistant, my cameraman, my trainer. Like, it's thick. Yeah.

And we're like, hey, we should all get lap dances. They're like, you know, just so. They might suck dick in Europe, though. Well, we said, just so we're all even. Like, let's all go together. Yeah. Just so if anything's, you know, like, keep everyone honest. Basically for you. You're like. I'm the one that'll keep everyone honest. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Because everyone's in relationships. Oh, okay. So we all go up. And Mark Smalls did not go up, by the way.

Shane goes up and they start lining up strippers. And I'm telling you right now, mine had the most ridiculous body I've ever seen in my life. Everyone's a banger, banger, banger, and then questionably age appropriate. Oh, no. She just had a young look like she had a gymnast face and body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. And Shane Torres is like, eh. What am I supposed to do? Teach her how to read? Yeah.

That's tough. You don't want to get that one. Oh, no. You don't want to feel like you're profiting off sex trafficking. Because in Europe, at least you'd think for the cool countries that allow it, where it's legal, that you're like, all right, well, at least you don't have to worry about how these girls got here. But then other parts of Europe, you're like, this may be a taken situation. Would you ever get a prostitute in Amsterdam? Yes. Okay.

I mean, I'd get one here. I support sex workers. In fact, I mean, that's also when I'm like, I mean, although I will say like, yeah, I would get, I would absolutely go to Amsterdam. Just part of the, look, I'll go to the Eiffel Tower when I'm in fucking Paris, don't I? When in Rome. Exactly, exactly, exactly. So I buy weed from there. I would go, I guess it's a matter of,

I don't want to get into the habit of being like, why don't I just replace human...

That's a great question.

How do you mentally keep that barrier where you're like, this is a professional relationship who I happen to fuck? It's the same as living in Hollywood. Yeah. Because you'll sit with people that are trying to pitch you. Right. And you don't even realize they're trying to get in your pants or you're trying to get in their pants. Right. It's so hard. It's hard being... I've always found that difficult in Hollywood, like being friends. Like one of my good friends, not now he's a good friend, but he produced The Machine. And...

And it's tricky. I remember, I want to say Ron Howard called him about this serious movie for me. He was like, hey, what's the goods on Bert? Can he be like the Jim Carrey and do serious roles? And my buddy was like, I don't think so. And I was like, why would you do that? And he goes, well, it's my reputation too. That's how you know he's your friend. Yeah, he goes, I sent you there and he calls me. He's like, what the fuck?

This guy's trying to get us to go to a strip club. He's just fucked up. He's trying to get me to shotgun a beer before our scene. That's fucking hilarious. Wait, where are you from? I'm from Baltimore, too. We grew up together. Where are you from? I'm Albanian. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a Greek-Albanian situation. I got a joke about Albanians in my special. No, no, it's just...

It's because I lived in Serbia for three months. And they dislike Albanians. Yeah, everyone does. Everyone in Europe fucking... You know, I just heard... For shooting the machine, that was in Serbia, right? Yeah, we shot it in Serbia. And they were making jokes. They made a joke about an Albanian. And everyone laughed. And I pulled one of them aside. I said, hey, what's up with the Albanians? And they go, oh, they're disgusting. And I was...

I said, really? And they said, everyone but Dua Lipa. They're disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, really? And they go, yeah. I go, but I just, you know, as an executive producer on the movie, you can't really talk like that. And he goes, it's fine. They know they're disgusting. And I go, hold on, hold on. I go, but if an Albanian wants to hear this. Yes. Like, if there's an Albanian working on set and they were Albanian and he heard that,

you know what wouldn't wouldn't you be concerned and he goes oh they'd know better not to say anything i was like all right all right so so i got really comfortable making albanian jokes as you do in the special in the special my clothes are we're in uh we're in an escape room not to give the bit away oh yes and my dad goes uh

my dad says to my daughters, are you scared? And he goes, you have no fucking idea. You two are getting sold to the goddamn Albanians. You'll be working in a chicken whorehouse the rest of your life.

Yeah, dude, everyone in Europe, Albania is probably, would you say you're the number one? If you had to pick one ethnicity to just mock and you're probably get a good laugh. I mean, Jew, obviously that's number one, but number two, non-Jewish division. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was going to say like, there must be like smaller countries that are Albania that are like easy to pick on, but Albania does always get a big laugh. What do we do? Like what happened?

Well, it was communism until like, you know, 30 years ago, basically. They're weird. It's just a weird place where it's like... It's... Like, economically, it was just kind of like... It was a communist country that also just wasn't run particularly well. So that, like, you guys had to... They became like migrant workers. Like, the way in the South and in the Southwest people think of Mexicans... Like, racists will think of Mexicans. Yeah. Like, a lot of illegal immigrants in Europe were...

Lot of them in the border and cut because you guys border Greece and Italy. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like Greece and Italy so they they work in a lot of like Like service industry stuff a lot a lot of call centers in Italy that are like pretty bad wages are like albany. Yeah work there Greece Albanians are like literally in like farm places. They're like indentured servants like still still We guys weren't a part of Yugoslavia, right? Um

No, you weren't. I don't think so. You weren't. It was like a North Korea kind of situation. We were very closed off, straight up communist. Were you born in Albania? I was born in Albania. My family emigrated to Baltimore when I was two, three years old. They had a little stopover in Greece. So his mom spoke Greek.

So we got the Like we would Like we became friends In literally kindergarten Oh for real Yeah yeah yeah We lived I mean Eldest lived in this This was his room This is my bedroom I lived in with my girlfriend While like five people Lived in this apartment Yeah like this apartment Has seen so many different Really Iterations Now it's Stabby Baby Enterprises World Headquarters So this is just work This is Yeah I mean I have I have a bedroom And there's Every other part of this place Is dedicated to the fuck Like we have a little Editing sweatshop

I saw that. In my old bedroom. I saw that. And this is the fucking studio. I just bought a house in L.A. and turned every bedroom into a podcast studio. The one I went to? No, a new house. A new house? Dude, the last one was fucking sick. Yeah, yeah, we just bought a new house. We still have that one, but we bought another one and made like a... Because what was happening for me, and I'm sure you understand this, is I was never done working. Dude, I fully... Like, this place has become...

Like, it used to be, oh, we'll have the studio here. Oh, maybe we'll do a little work in that one. And this, that was going to move my room into the other. It's become, like, it fully, Eldest is here until nine. We have editors who just have a key. Yeah. Like, I might, like, I got woken up. I was like, ah, day off. And then I just, like, wake up. I see a guy like, hey, what's up, dude? I'm in my underwear drinking coffee. And the guy's just like.

It just goes and fucking edits clips. I've sold my soul to the algorithm, basically. But I want to... I mean, my plan is to...

I want to buy a house here in New York this summer. And we'll probably buy... This lease isn't up till November, so we'll probably keep this for the rest of the year and then hopefully just get a studio somewhere. Probably in Queens, something like that. But yeah, you gotta... How far is where we are right now from the city? Not far at all. It's like a, you know... I mean, if you want to talk about Midtown, where all the like Sirius and all that shit, it's like a 20-minute train ride. That's not bad. No, it's not bad at all. And I like living here because it's like...

I don't want to be in the thick of shit. I don't want... Like, this feels like a real neighborhood. You know? I could buy a house here for what an apartment costs in, you know, the West Village or something like that. But, you know, we'll see. We'll see. Maybe I'll just move to Baltimore. Quit comedy altogether. I think if The Machine comes out Memorial Day weekend, go to themachine.movie. Hell yeah. If you want to pre-order your tickets, we're doing a live in studio. Pre-order them. Yeah, pre-order your tickets, please. And so...

I would love for that to do bananas well and then sign up to do machine two three and four. Yeah, I gotta get in there. And just do machine movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do machine movies. You gotta go to Greece and I wanna be like the villain's henchman. That's the machine too.

That would be fun to just fill it up with comics and have comics play fucking villains. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I would fucking love that. I want to be like not the main villain, but like the guy, you know, like the mini boss. You know, in an action movie where there's always the guy you have to kill before. And it's a good fight. He almost fucks you up, but then you get him at the last second and then you fight the boss.

That's who I want to be. Eliza Schlesinger was almost in this movie. Oh, wow. She's a fucking great actress, but she's not Russian, and we wanted someone from Eastern Europe. No, the lady, just from the trailer, the lady's fucking incredible. She's fucking awesome. She's awesome, yeah. She's great. She's the right look. She has zero, zero social media presence. That's pretty fucking cool. You can barely even find her. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of cool, but it's also... You want to market a movie? She had never heard of the phrase, Deez Nuts. Deez Nuts.

Wow. That's a fucking gift from God. She would go... She kept trying to do it to Mark Hamill, and he never did it either. Oh, that's awesome, dude. Introducing Deez Nuts to Luke Skywalker. Put that on your fucking obituary. That's the first line of your obituary, dude. Told Luke Skywalker about Deez Nuts.

That's fucking sick, dude. The first night we went to dinner and she said to me, she goes, hey, please don't bring up Star Wars.

I go, why not? She goes, I've never seen it. I said, for real? She goes, yes, Eastern Europe isn't big on fantasy. That's hilarious, dude. I was like, it's fucking Star Wars. I'm sure it's big here. And she goes, no, it's not big. And I've never seen it. And I know it's like a popular thing with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. I go, sure thing, sure thing. So we sit down. And I go, hey, Mark, he was a huge fan of Star Wars. And he was like...

That's so sweet of you. I go, what did you like about that movie? What was your favorite part about that movie? And she's freezing. She goes, oh, you know, I love good guy, bad guy movies. Like, good guy fights bad guy movies. I go, Eva, who's your favorite character? And you can't say Mark. And you can't say Mark. And she goes, ah, Chewbacca. And I go, oh, Eva, Mark does a great Chewbacca impression. Eva, can you do a Chewbacca impression? And she goes...

I am Chewbacca. That's incredible, dude. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. I mean, that's fucking crazy, though, truly. Because you... I mean, have you done other movies? Never. Never? So you're starring in a movie and the opposite is fucking Mark Hamill. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, I've never really acted before. I mean, I did like...

There's one note when they do the testing. When you do a test and they hold everyone over and then someone will ask the questions like, what did you like about the movie? What surprised you about the movie? And the first question would say, what surprised you about the movie? And people could not get past the fact that I could act.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, Burt can actually act. Yeah. And he's like, does that surprise you? And everyone's just, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought this was going to really suck. Yeah. I saw the trailer. I was like, oh, hell yeah, Burt. I thought you were going to blow it in the trailer. I thought it was...

I blew one. I fucked up one time really big. Really big. What was it? There was a big laugh that I didn't let happen because I couldn't stop laughing. Hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. And I talked to a gangster, and me and him have a back and forth. And this guy was so good, and I regret. I could not stop laughing. And the line isn't now as funny because the only one he could do was one that wasn't as funny because the way he was doing it funny, I couldn't stop laughing.

I couldn't keep a straight face. That's the downside of professional. Honestly, your best talent is probably having an awesome time. And the downside of that being your fucking superpower is that when another actor is crushing it, you're like, hell yeah. You always, in a podcast or a hang or whatever, you're elevating it. But in a movie, it's like, you can't do that. But what are you going to do? His line was, yeah. That was his line. Yeah.

And he said it so funny so many times. And he didn't know he was saying it funny. Right. He didn't know what he was saying because English isn't his best language. That's awesome. And he was trying to say it cool. Right. But it was coming out like...

Like pained. And it was so funny. Yeah, yeah. It was so fucking funny and I couldn't keep it together and I feel like it bums me out because I see the line in the movie and it doesn't get a big laugh right now and it doesn't need one. Sure. But just for it to have one. Yeah, just a little extra. And maybe it's better that it doesn't have one. But yeah, that was the number one thing people were like, yeah, I'm shocked Bert can act. Yeah, dude, that's fucking sick. And it looks...

Because obviously we know the story But I was like I wonder how they're going to do it And the fact that it's like It looks like it's action comedy Which is a genre that you don't get much of anymore And it's like That was one of the best types of movies It's like

I love, and like, don't get me wrong, I love John Wick 4. My brothers are literally coming from Baltimore so that we can see it together the day it comes out. Like, I love just a straight action. But there's something almost nostalgic about a nice little action comedy with, at least from the trailer, it looks like there's some sick kills in there too. There's some, it's a fucking, it's an action. I had to get surgery after the movie. Yeah.

What the fuck would you do? I did my own stunts. Oh, my God. Which I would never do again. On your Tom Cruise shit. Bert Cruise. I thought it would be the fucking gangster move is if in this parts of the movie where you see these crazy stunts, you could literally see my face. Yeah. I thought it would like, you'd be like, fuck, yeah. And so I did all my own fight scenes and I did all my own stunts. I did a couple stunts. Another guy did a few stunts.

But one was falling down a mountain, and I fell down the first time, and I fucking pulled all the hamstring, all the muscles in my tricep. All the tendons and shit? All the tendons in my tricep. But I just hurt them a little bit. And then I had to do this thing where I have to wrap up this dude, and we go down a flight of stairs, and I heard pop, pop, pop, pop. And I went, oh, fuck. Fuck.

But then I just did the rest of the movie with blown out tenants. And I was like, I said to myself, I said, and I took, I was took solace in it. And I said, this is my one shot. Yeah. This is my one shot. I will give my arm for this movie. It's a great story. I'm not going to fucking slow down. I'm not going to get surgery. All right. If I have to deal, I'll deal with it when I get home. I know I'm getting surgery when I get home. Uh, and I'm, and, and I will give my arm for this movie. That's how much I want it to be. This is my, there's a one thing I've done good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I got home and they're like, yeah, it's retracted like so many inches or whatever into your arm. Your penis? The more I gain weight, the more that happens. I sit down and it goes into my... Who are you telling? Who are you telling about a dick disappearing into fat? Yeah.

Oh, I know when I've put on weight. I don't need to look at the scale. I'll look at my penis. I'm like, I'm up to 310. That's so funny. I can judge how I'm losing weight, but if I can see my dick on the toilet. If I can see my dick on the toilet, I go, I'm doing good. Whoa, more than just the head? Yeah. Whoa, I must be doing, my diet's working. Oh, that's funny.

I mean, I can't shave my balls. Yeah, oh, believe me. It's an act of blind faith when I trim my pubes. It's like... You said it's an act of blind faith. It's a lot of guesswork. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do it by feel, like a blind man. Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, so I got surgery on my arm. Damn, bro. You're looking good. You're looking strong. I'm very strong. I'm loving your workout videos. Thank you, dude. We did a series of, we were trying to do. Are you ever in Baltimore? We should do one with my brother when you're in Baltimore. I would love to. I loved it. I did the move you had to do where you lift your body off on one leg. Yeah. And you were like, no, that's not going to happen. Yeah.

And I had to do it the next day, and I was like, oh, fuck. I worked out with a trainer. We did a series of workout videos, but they're an hour long, and we just filmed my full workout to see if we could put it online so people can use it. But I literally saw one, and I fell asleep watching it. It was so boring. So I was like, I'm not sure this content is ever going to see the light of day. But yeah, I'm the strongest I've ever been right now.

Not the healthiest, but the strongest. Yeah, I'm the same. I'm exactly... Like, we were talking earlier before the pod, but I'm trying... The goal of this tour was not to be fatter by the end of it, which has never happened in any tour of my life. Me too. And it doesn't look like we're going to hit that goal, folks. But... But...

I am stronger. I've kept up with the workouts. I fucked my neck. I pulled, like, a trap that's fucking up a nerve in my neck. I'm doing a little PT while I'm at home the next couple weeks. But I should be ready to go and, like, back on lifting. What's your problem when you go on the road? Like, is it late night eating? Late night eating fully. Because it's like you're done. We're done work at 1 a.m. That's the only time you can relax. Because, like, you're...

Like, the only good time for me is breakfast because I can have a nice healthy breakfast. I can have a workout. But that's the only time you feel like work isn't right around the corner. You know what I mean? That's the only time you can relax. And then once we're done breakfast, Elders knows this. It's like, because Elders comes on the road with me. Breakfast, I'm so calm. I'm so relaxed. And the second it's done, I start to get... I'm like, fuck, the show's coming up. I have to work on my act. I have to check. Because I'm trying this...

The whole first part of this tour, I was putting together the hour and I was finalizing it. And finally, thank God, I got all the content down. So I was in Acme, I was in Minneapolis, and I got it done. But that's like...

Like, I work on my act. When you're working on it, the funnest part is when you're starting new material, in my opinion. It's where I'm at. It's funny shit. It's funny shit. Because you write a bunch of shit, but there's no structure. You don't have to worry about what goes where. Oh, yeah. You just throw a fun... You just have to be funny for an hour. You can be loose. You can do crowd work. You can relate to the crowd. It doesn't have to all fit together. And I'm shooting in May, and I'm like, fuck, I'm at the point where it's like, I got to get it all together. Yeah. Because I'm spending, like, you know...

I mean, we might spend like a hundred grand on this next special and that's a lot of fucking money. And I don't want to fuck it up by being lazy on the road, by just being hung over or like, you know, that kind of shit. What kind of preparation do you put into a special? I'm very neurotic about my preparation and how I view a special. And I was, I was talking to Shane Gillis about it, but like,

I'm... Like, is there anything... Is there any, like, structure you follow when you're putting together a special? I mean... Any rules? I just have, like... I just want to... You need... I think you need a... I just... I kind of start from the bottom up. Mm-hmm.

And it's like once I get the closer in place, it's like, all right, I'm going to close on this. And typically it's like the dirtiest stuff goes at the end because nothing can. Everyone loves a sex joke and everyone loves a fucking dirty joke. So it's like I know. It's interesting. I put them I put them about 10 minutes in and do one. I do one now because my fear is I'm that people will only think I'm talking about my family.

Because I talk so much about my family. And I talk so much about these stories that happen with my family that I want them to know. I'm still young. I still got it. I still fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still want my wife to cut my asshole hairs. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I try to go dirty, a little dirty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then once I've done that, I feel I can go that way. I try to be as high-end joke per minute as up front. And then what I do is I take my closer...

I work on one closer and then halfway through touring, once I got that closer, I move it to 22 minutes. Interesting. And then I force myself to write a new closer and then that way I have two closers. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this time around, I wanted to do something different. So I...

I wasn't a big story guy. I put a story at the end of my last special just because it was like a big... Which story was it? I do a threesome story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that started as a quick joke that just kept building. And this time I was like, I put a story in the middle because I wanted to play with the structure of it. So I start with like 10 to 15 minutes of just...

And probably during the special, I'll do crowd work a little bit just to open it up. It's in Austin. It's easy to fuck with those people. I'm going to shit on Austin. I'm going to shit on like a couple of places I've been. So like I started with like 10 to 15. Really go in on Rogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Rogan. Musk is getting it in my special. Believe me. Musk. Tech bros are getting it. And so just just.

I'm banging it out 10, 15 minutes of joke, joke, joke, just in case someone who doesn't know me, I want it last per minute high again. Yeah. And then that's going to go into the story. And that's a new wrinkle for me. I don't really, I never did a story in the middle of the thing, but I think it's like a cool, it just adds a little something different to what I did last time.

And then it's fat jokes. I mean, I'm never not going to have fat jokes in my act, you know? I have to pull back on them. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I feel like I could do an hour on being fat. Fully, fully. So I'm putting those in the middle, and then those go into...

like relationship stuff about relationships I fucked up and then sex jokes. And then I have a story about the first time a woman made me cum, the end it. And it's a little... I mean, if there's a theme of it, it's just like my life over the last two years that I've developed this material has just been traveling. So if there's a theme, it's about how much...

touring has ruined my life. You know what I mean? So it's like from like, you know, all the cities I've been to to how unhealthy I've become to the story is a travel story that was a nightmare and the relationships I fucked up, I fucked up because I've been on the road. So it's like, that's kind of the loose theme. Yeah. But it's just, that's so, yeah, I mean, I think about this fucking nonstop.

I love it. I have like fucking spreadsheets and shit like that. I love that. I would love to fuck... We can go over... I can't wait to see you fully loaded. I want to work on it. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be great. It's going to be awesome. But yeah, I mean, I could talk... We could comedy nerd out all fucking episode, but I would love to... I'll show you all my... I'll show you my spreadsheets after this bad boy. But...

Yeah, I saw, I remember seeing it, seeing the hour in Jersey when I came to the, when I came to, where were you playing in Jersey? Oh. It was sick. It was a great hang. I don't remember where it was. I forget. But anyway, somewhere in Jersey, you were playing a theater in Jersey, and it might have been Newark? Maybe it was Newark. It was Newark. It was Newark. I wish I had, I wish I had had...

And now in hindsight, I wish I'd had eight more months with it. But I wouldn't have been able to do it because I was so tired of it by that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then now I shot in November and...

And I've been doing an arena tour, so I'm... And you can't... It's really hard to write in an arena. Oh, my God. I can't imagine, dude. I can't fucking imagine. You'll see. We're doing a bunch of arenas. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not writing shit. That's going to be the good shit. They're getting... Dude, you're going to love... Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You're going to love that so much. Yeah, I can't wait. You're going to love that so much that you'll get addicted to it. Yeah. Because that's what happened to Gillis. It's like...

You know, Shane's always nervous that he's going to bomb. And he's always like backstage like... Yeah. And then he goes up. And when you hear fucking 10, 12, 15,000 pop, just you're like...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, that's why comedians think they're smart. That's why Chappelle thinks he's like a philosopher. Because he goes on arenas like, ah, Dave Chappelle. But, yeah, how wouldn't you think you're a fucking God? That's why Dave thinks he's smart. It's like, dude, we're not that fucking smart. That's my philosophy, yeah.

Anyway, my thing is like we're good at having a good time. But like that's why as comedians get super successful. I think it's hard to feel that connection. First of all, you're too rich to feel the real connection to humanity. And then people are just I can't imagine what dude I did the Wilbur and just that I was like, oh, this is a problem.

I have to remember to go home, get ridiculed by those I grew up around. You know what I mean? That's my best friends. Elders travel with me. People I've known my whole life. People who can tell me anything. And I haven't even gotten that successful compared to the people that... No, you did a lot of tickets in Boston. We did some tickets in Boston. I got a text about how many tickets we did in Boston. I did, I did. It was around the industry.

Yeah, oh, that's cool. Everyone was like, yo, Stobby moved fucking legit. Yeah, we sold a lot. Five shows at the Wilbur was awesome. But still, it's just like, I can't wait. Dude, Fully Loaded is going to be fucking sick. It's going to be so fucking sick. And you'll love the arenas. And then we end at the Gorge. That's going to be a fucking epic evening. And we still have, we have like three spots to load up. Oh, sick. And so we kind of held on to them to look for like, you know, there's a couple names that are like,

that I think would be really fun big names to bring. It'll cost more money, but I don't give a fuck. I'm not in fully loaded to make money. I'm genuinely not. No, it seems like an insane hang. I can't wait. It's the funnest hang that I have an opportunity. The way it worked is in order to do Oddball back in the day, you needed one name that could basically sell all the tickets. You needed one name that...

Yes. Rock. Right. And then they'd sell all the fucking tickets. And then everyone else were amazing comics who sold tickets, but they obviously didn't sell what that person sold. That person sold 10,000 and some people might sell 500. Or no, no, no, no. We'll see. That's the thing about oddballs. They were doing like there. I think they were doing like 50,000. God damn. Yeah. I don't remember. We're not there. Yeah. So when we first did Fully Loaded, I was like, I'm good for 8,000 tickets.

And so I'll do all the promotion. I'll do all the things. And then I'll pack it with all my friends. And then what I know is if we don't get to 8,000, I can get us to 8,000. Yeah. But in this case, what we can do is we can get to 8,000 quick with all these names. Easy. And that's what happened is they sold... Especially this round, these names are so sick that...

Tickets are flying, literally flying out of the fucking stadiums. That's awesome. And there'll be a couple markets that I'll have to help clean up and do promos for. But, dude, they're fucking... But even that, like, dude, I'm so pumped about our week. Like, first of all, I can't believe I'm on a show like a Louis Black...

Santino and Big J. Like, that's hilarious. Who the fuck would have thought of that, like, combo? You know, like, I'm so pumped for that. I got a lot of texts from people asking to be on the show that I did not expect. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, like, I'll tell you, can you edit a name out? Yeah, for sure. Okay, I'll tell you what, someone who hit me up who really wants to be on the show, fucking. The Vegas one, dude. Come on.

Dude, in. I'm in. Let's get him in. That's what I said. I'm fucking, I'll fit his nuts. Let's do it. I'll fucking do it. Dude, that would be so sick. That would be so fucking epic. And do it, and don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone to fucking eat.

Oh my god. That would be incredible. That would be the best. And it just ended his name out. Yeah, we should get the reaction. Holy fuck, dude. That would be insane. Yeah, that's going to be fucking sick, dude. Look, we could talk all day. I think we should get to some fucking questions. We really could talk all day. I'm sure you got a bunch. And congrats on the new podcast. Thank you, dude. I know that it's been a little while, but it's fun watching you

Thank you, bro. It's just fun watching you blow up consistently. I'm trying. We're trying over here. Eldest is working like a dog. He didn't know how to do any of this three months ago. Truly. Legitimately. I'm so impressed by how much shit he's learned. It's so fun. Like, I hear him talking to the editors. I'm like, damn, where did this motherfucker learn this lingo and shit like that? But I just hired my friends, and we're figuring it out.

We still need a video. We need like a full time video guy, though. We're trying to just like get my friends like a little brother. I'm like, just send him to New York. Let him be our gopher. Yeah. What's he doing? He's working in Greek restaurants right now. Just bring him up to New York, man. Bring him up to New York. That's fucking great. Yeah. Keep in the family. Just a bunch of Albanians and Greeks working for the company. We have one Irishman. That's it. We have one Irishman from upstate New York.

But that's it. But yeah, let's fucking, let's take some calls. Let's impart some of this fucking wisdom. This is the one part he always fucks up. He never gets the call right at first. Nope. And I wanted your advice on, because I'm a big fan of comedy, and I wanted your advice on what I should do for my career path, so what should I go with? Right now, I am a 20-year-old college student. I'm in college.

school to go to be an English teacher. But I have a way into the oil field down here in Texas for my brother-in-law. And he told me that in three years, I can make $80,000 compared to being a teacher. And I'm not sure what to do. Part of me feels like I'm going to waste all this money in college. Not waste all this money in college, but if I want to make all this money in college...

Okay, yeah, this is a good, I mean, this is a good question. College is a fucking scam right now. Yeah.

The way they have fucked, they saddle you with debt. They just suck. You know, some Silicon Valley cocksuckers can get bailed out, but God forbid they fucking clear out student loans. We can't do that for the actual working people. So you probably will get fucked, even though your intentions are very noble. You want to be a teacher. And the fact that you're being a teacher and you have debt and you're going to make dick for money if you're in fucking Texas where they don't respect...

Teachers or nurses. They don't respect anyone but cops. It's tough, bro. Now, if you were getting a scholarship or your shit was getting paid for you and you wanted to be a teacher, I do think the world needs more teachers and I think we should be paying teachers way fucking more. But that's not the reality we live in. No. Work in the fucking oil fields. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 80K is a lot of money. It's a lot of money when you're a 22-year-old. Especially for an uneducated dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could just be... No offense, but...

English doesn't seem like your strong suit. He might just be a shy guy, but yeah. But I fucking... Dude, I know a lot... Here's what you do. You work in the oil fields and you figure out what you want to do. For sure. That's a great way to put it. Because you have a lot of time fucking thinking about other things. Get on Pinterest. Get on Instagram. And search some shit that looks cool. I'll tell you a story about a guy who worked in the oil rigs in Australia. Yeah.

He worked in the oil rigs in Australia and he would work and then he'd go party. And then he'd work and then he'd go party. And then one day he was like, I kind of just, I want to get out of this. Maybe I'll just buy a sailboat. And so he worked and then bought a sailboat and learned how to sail it. Wow.

Learn how to sail it. And now he has a, one of the biggest YouTube channels on YouTube. It's called Sailing La Vagabonde. He's got two kids. His wife is absolutely gorgeous. And his name's Riley, I think Whitlam. And he sails around the fucking world. And he used

to work on an oil rig. That's fucking sick. But that's a great way to look at it too. It's like, yeah, dude, if you're looking at this, you clearly are somebody who's thinking about their future and that's good, right? Because at 20, fucking Bert over here, you were fucking, you were... I was a second, that was my third freshman year. Yeah.

In college. In his third freshman year. Yeah, Burma's getting fucked up, refusing pussy. Yeah. Getting his dick sucked in the fucking, you know, a bar bathroom, but being like, no, I'm too noble for pussy. But I will get my dick sucked. This bitch has peanut shells on her knees. She's sucking his dick in the bathroom. I was getting my dick sucked in dorms. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And look, I'm the same way. I was fucking... Actually, at 20 is when I tried to be a real person because I started comedy at 19. Oh, wow. And then I was like, all my immigrant guilt kicked in. And I was like, no, I have to be serious about school. So from 20 to 21, I was serious. And then I started it again. And I was like, this fucking sucks. I can't do this. And so that's when I was... I got so fat. I was so... I had an internship at the...

Maryland House of Delegates and I just never learned anything. I didn't do any work. I bought rubber shoes that looked like dress shoes. I didn't want to spend any money on it. I was fat as fuck just busting out of my shirt. They put me in a little back room. They were like, we can't show the intern off. They put me in a back room. The guy I was interning for did not respect me at all. He came up to me drunk. His name was Talmadge Branch.

And he might be the guy, you know the guy in The Wire, the guy that goes, sheeit. You know that character, Isaiah Whitlock's character? Yeah. The crooked, he's like a crooked, anyway, whatever. This guy was the majority whip in the state legislature. So he was not a, he was a deal-making guy. He was always like, he was about appearances. He was this black dude with this awesome little ponytail. And he just comes up to me.

And it's the last day of the session. It's called Signy Die. And everyone just gets fucked up. It's a big party. It was actually the funnest part of the whole thing. Yeah. And he comes up to me drunk off his ass, holding his own cup. Like, they were... You're not supposed to do that. No, no. He had his own cup. It was like Styrofoam. It was big as fuck. He's just like a sitting politician.

eyes glazed over and he's like, yeah man, I'm proud of you. It was the first positive thing he'd ever said. He was like, I'm proud of you. You took this opportunity. He's like, I got other people working for me. This motherfucker just sits in the back room. I never see him. He never goes to hearings. He was talking about me. He was so drunk that he forgot. He didn't realize he

He was talking about me. He was trashing me to me. There was some other fat white kid that worked for him and he confused us. And he was just talking about what a piece of shit I was and what an opportunity this other kid had done. It was so fucking funny.

But anyway, so... That's what I... And I was like... I thought it was hilarious. I didn't give a fuck about this guy, but I was like, this is one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me. But anyway, that's what we were doing at 20. So we were both kind of lost in our own ways. You were trying to figure it out, and I think...

If you have a connection in a lucrative field, and look, is oil good? No. Like, Texas right now is like, they're squeezing just, they're getting just a little bit out of the toothpaste tube. That's what, like, we're cranking the AC in January. You still think we should be drilling Texas, but whatever. It's like one of those cum on testosterone. Yeah. It looks like a baby's spitting up. So, either way, someone's going to have this job. At least in your youth, I think what Bert said is a really good thing.

Don't, like, because there's a lot of guys that do these lucrative jobs that, you know, party or just spend the money fast or buy cool shit. Look at this as an investment opportunity. Work in the oil fields. Save your money up. And if you decide, hey, I do want to go to school, this way you can, you know, you can find, like, a program or you can pay it up front. You don't have to go into debt. Or you can go to community college. And, like, people want...

Teachers, you can find programs where you don't have to go into debt for this, especially if you have some money saved up. You can buy a house. You can find the community you want to live in. And then if you're like, fuck it, I do want to be a teacher or I do want to pursue my education, you can do that with a little money in the bank. Or, like Bert said, you might just find something else you want to do. You might be a sailboat guy. Chances are you'll find something else. Yeah. Chances are, in three years...

You're going to look back and go, I'm so glad I didn't do that and get locked into it. There's so much shit to do. And you're a young guy. Take advantage of your youth. And if you, in a period where you're not sure, if you can be making a lot of money while you figure it out, that's a huge win, dude. So do that, my friend. Hit us with another one there, Big LD. Let's see what the fuck we got. Did you have any hilarious jobs? What were your jobs as a young man? Did you have anything stupid? I worked.

I worked in a... I was a... I worked at a law office. Don't talk about white privilege. My dad was a lawyer, and he sent me in to interview for them when I was in college. And I said, awesome. I went in to interview, and they go, you're hired. And I said, great. And I said, what do I do? And they said, show up at 8. So I showed up at 8, and I was like, yeah, I got hired yesterday. He goes, to do what? And the guy just walked by. He goes, oh, he's Al's son. Just put him on the payroll. And I was like...

I was like, what do I do? And then the lady looked at me and she goes, we don't have any jobs for you. Wow. And she goes, just sit in the coffee room. And I was sitting in the coffee room and this older dude came in and he goes, the fuck are you doing here? I was like, I'm Al's son. And he was like...

He's like, all right, well, you just be in charge of making coffee. Wow. So I just sat by a coffee maker and made coffee, and I'd never had coffee before. So the guy comes in, and he would come in, and it would be like noon, and he'd be like,

the fuck not a fresh pot of coffee I said no and he goes were you making one pot of coffee and I said well no I make one and then I make another one but he goes I want a fresh pot of coffee every time I walk in here I was like what do I do with the rest of it he goes fucking drink it for all I care I had never had coffee so I started drinking half pots of coffee and I was jacked suited up jacked my first week on Friday I walked home I was so high and left my car there

I was like, I'm going to walk it. I'm going to walk it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The coffee boy. I had that job until I got written up in Rolling Stone magazine, and then they asked me not to come in. They were like, yeah, you're a problem. And I was like, what? And they're like, you're still on the payroll. Just don't show up.

I used to walk girls across school for this place called Safe Escort. So they'd call up this number and then they'd go, Base 111. And I had to walk, you know, talking to me. I go, we have two girls at Devaney Hall that need to walk to Sally Hall. Can you go get them? I'm like, sure. So I'd walk over, grab two girls and walk them back. And then on Fridays and Saturdays we drove the car. But ultimately we drove black chicks to FAMU. They go, we got, Base 111, we got to drive from, and it would be from

from whatever thing they were to the furthest east. I think it's east place you can go on campus. And then when you'd get there, they'd go, oh, just keep going a little bit more. And you'd go, hold on, are we going to FAMU? Because I can't drive off campus. And they're like, oh, don't be a bitch. And they could just drive us. And you'd be like...

And then you'd get it because they'd go, we have a pickup for one. Her name's Vanilla. And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. So you get there. And then it'll be one girl standing by the door with like a book in her hand. And you go, hey, honk. And she'd go, hey. And she'd come to the car and second the door open. 18 fucking people would jump out from behind the dumpster and pile in the fucking car. I was like, are we going to fucking FAMU? She's like, you know we are.

Hey, white boy, you smell like dog. You smell like dog. Wash your hair. They fucking just roast me and then ask me questions. They loved picking me apart, my insights on hip-hop. They introduced me to Method Man. They were like, what music do you like? And I said, hip-hop. And they lost it. I said, no, I like hip-hop. And they go, ooh. And I said, Outkast. And they're like, boom.

Oh, really? I go, really? And they're like, I go, Goody Mob? They're like, boo. I'm like, MGG and 8-Ball? And they're like, boo. What about Method Man? And I was like, who the fuck's Method Man? And they're like, are you being serious? And I was like, I'm being dead serious. You're also an old man, we should be clear. Yeah. This is like the fucking 1948. Yeah.

And so they introduced me to Method Band. That's awesome. Yeah. Did you ever have to deny pussy to any black ladies in Florida? No, no, no. None of them were interested? It's so funny. My stories aren't congruous because I say I never hooked up with a black chick, but I did. I made out with one and laid in bed with her, but she spooned me. Nothing wrong with some titties on your back. I don't know. If I showed her to you, you wouldn't...

It's not the picture you get in your mind. You might know her, but you may not. Okay, wow. Now I'm very curious. How the fuck would I know her? It's Lunel. All right, let's lock up another one for us here, brother. Hey, Stav. Same caller from a couple minutes ago, but I'm just going to give you the short version here. Love the show. Love you, baby. But, uh,

So my roommate got behind on rent and then lied to me about it for like a long time and I was paying him my portion of the rent because he has access to the landlord's wire and shit. He was handling it. And we've known each other since I was eight. He's like my brother's best friend. He's super close to my family and all. And my family has always been down to help him out.

But he got behind on rent for like months and months and months. And now we owe $8,000 because he's behind on rent. And he kept lying to me that the notices were inaccurate, that he went and talked to the office, all this shit. And then finally we get an eviction notice in the fucking mail. We got to court. And then he lied to me about that. He lied to me about having to go to court. So literally if...

If I had believed him and I hadn't gone down to the office myself, I would have been a sitting duck waiting for the cops to show up, evict me, and possibly arrest me and him for not paying shit, for not showing up to court, all this shit. And although my parents did come in and help us out and helped us pay this shit off, but now we have to move. Now I am betrayed by someone who I really loved and cared about for a long time. And I just...

How do I deal with this betrayal? How do I keep my friend around but keep him responsible and hold him accountable for this? And, you know, he was all ears when I was talking to him, and he seems cooperative, but it's hard to rebuild that trust. So I really need your help, Scott. Wow. All right, thanks, man. This is fucking wild. This is fucking crazy. But this is typical of this age.

I don't know. But that's crazy. For someone you've known that long, like this is you doing this to me or me doing this to you. That's crazy. If this happened in either direction, I'm honestly thinking about it like it would be hard to bounce back from this. If you did that, I'd be like he has like a tumor in his head that's changing his behavior. Like someone you've known that long. But I guess that's also true because that's all – I guess you're right. It's typical in that –

This is the first taste of adulthood for a friendship. So if you've been friends since eight and now you're 20 and one guy is just a piece of shit and he's so selfish that he takes it out on you, yeah, that would be hard to bounce back from for sure. Very hard. Everyone dealt with that once. You get one of those dudes in your life to teach you a lesson. Right, right, right, right. And I hate to say it, but you...

This plays right into your fear of being betrayed. Your fear of intimacy, for sure. I have a thing. I've hooked up with a couple con men. Meaning, I've gotten them in my life a couple times. Sucked them off. Yeah, yeah. I fucked them off. Yeah. That's why you say it's only six, because every man you fuck cancels it out. You're like, I've fucked hundreds of people. I've fucked 106 women and 100 men, but it evens out to six women. I've only been with 20 dudes. Yeah.

And I was like, New York, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, you're not going to like this. I hope this finds you okay. Yes, yes. You're not going to like this. But this is your fault. Wow, okay. This is your fault. I like tough love. And I'm saying this because I am you. And what you need to realize right now is this happened because of you.

This doesn't happen to everyone. There's a lot of guys this never would have happened to, but it happened to you. And this is going to happen again because of the way you trust people and the way you believe in people. And I'm telling you, I've had that guy that lives with you, I've had one, two, three, four guys

possibly five versions of that dude in my life because I'm you. And so you need to realize that there are always going to be guys like this and they will always see guys like you as weak.

And they will always come after you. I've had seven guys like this. Okay, then nothing keeps jumping up. Yeah, yeah. Well, I just remembered Ari. But like Ari drugged me in my backyard in front of my family. And I had to come to terms with he would not have done that to Joe. Right. He would not have done that to Tom's.

He wouldn't have done it to Joey. He says he would have. He says he would have. That's a lie. Joe told me I would have beaten him within an inch of his life, and he would never have spoken to me again. He would never have done it to me. But he did do it to me, and I had to come to terms with why that happened to me. And sometimes you've got to go to therapy. Okay, so I see what you're saying in that, yes, his behavior did open himself up to that. But at the same time,

Again, he's saying since they're eight years old. So I'm going to keep using eldest as an analog here, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would trust Eldest fully. Like, my old roommate, he would just be like, we would owe each other thousands of dollars and we would always make it square because I just do their... Now, is it hard to become, to get into my inner circle? Yes. But once you're in there, I fully trust you, right? Yeah. So it's like, yes, it is his fault in that maybe he could have like, maybe he could have, you know, looked into it a little more or maybe he could have like,

One of these steps may be double-checked just to be thorough. I don't mean it disrespectful like it's his fault. What I'm saying is... He opened himself up to that with his behavior, right? What I'm saying is there's something about him that made the other guy believe he could do it to him. Because I bet the guy listening right now goes, would he have done it to everyone? I bet there's a couple of your friends that you grew up with that he would have never done that to. Yeah.

So I'm of two minds here, right? Because I think also we're getting a little bit of your own shit in here. No, you're getting all my own shit. This is just me. I thought I could tell you the first time it happened to me. I can tell you every time it's happened to me. But I can tell you what had happened to my other friends. Like I remember it happened to a buddy of mine in college. He had a guy he grew up with, childhood friend he grew up with. And they were placing bets. And he was like...

And the guy's like, hey, put whatchamacallit on UNC, or $100 on UNC. And then he's like, hey, man, my buddy wants to bet with you. And he's like, okay. And he's like, he wants to put $100 on UNC. And my buddy's like, well, do you want to send him the money? He's like, yeah, he'll get it, but put it on it tonight because we can't get it to you. This is before you go wire for the money and shit. And they took my buddy for, I talked to my buddy the other day in Tampa. They took him for a lot of money. Damn.

And he ended up paying off, having to go to his dad and get money to pay off all these bets. But there are certain dudes who, for whatever reason, and here's my advice, get into therapy and figure out what the, you figure this shit out with a therapist. The first time it happened to me as an adult,

I realized at that moment, I have been finding people like this in my life. Why do you attract? I'm allowing them in my life. No, I think that's a great point. You do attract over and over again, the thing you're trying to escape. Like, I can't tell you, like I've, it's a different type of guy for me, but like there's something that goes all the way back to like my relationship with my dad. And it's like, I keep finding these like weird narcissistic people that are just, that are kind of self-centered and you kind of, you kind of want to get,

You're just attracted to that because that's what you know. That's my own shit. So it makes sense that you're... And we've all got our own shit. And your shit is so betrayal focused that there's something in your past that like there was some big betrayal probably, I'm just guessing here, that like you're kind of trying to relitigate over and over again. And that makes a lot of sense because I do think we fall into these like patterns of the same people that like, you know, have hurt you or have fucked you up in the past. Yeah.

And yes, that's definitely... If that's the kind of shit you're dealing with, if you have other people, that's fucked up. And I agree with Burt. Like, figure your own shit out. I bet what's going to happen, and I mean this respectfully, he's going to say...

Listen to this. Fuck Bert. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to Stobby. And then this is going to happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's going to go, God damn it. That Bert guy knew what he was fucking talking about. But the other thing, I do think this is a lesson. No, I think you're right, though. I'm not disagreeing in that this should be a lesson to him.

You paid a very expensive price for a very important lesson in your life. And look, all things considered, your fucking parents paid it, so you're okay. But what you figured out is you've paid the emotional thing of like your best friend fucking your ass here. And I would say, how do you keep them accountable? How do you keep them around? Bro, there's no way to make the...

The starting point is he pays you back all the money. Oh, and by the way. That's the starting point. This is his life lesson to learn also. And dudes like this don't figure it out until the rubber hits the road. Yeah. That guy is going to fuck over a couple more people. He's going to change his number soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't worry about keeping him in your life. He's going to be gone soon. Yeah.

Yeah, so for you though, yes, I think you have to look at this as a learning experience. You have to figure your shit out. You can't, you have, I mean, unfortunately, this guy has fucked up your way, like your ability to trust people close to you. Now, I would say you have to, you're probably going to overcorrect here and be extra wary of people. But I also think it's like, it's like the thing people said after like,

September 11th that, like, the terrorists win if we're less free? Like, if we, like... If we give up our civil liberties, then what's the point of being... of not being safe? You know, if the government can spy on us, then they've won by making... Like, even though we're technically safe from a terrorist attack, the government has all our shit, right? So this guy...

Let's say he never gets betrayed again, but he spends his whole life paranoid. That's not a victory either. Oh, that's not a victory. That's not a victory. So you need to figure out like a middle ground here of like, you don't want to distrust everyone, but you want to just be, you know, you want to take this as a lesson and be like, how can I make sure this doesn't happen to me again? And, you know, and how can I repairing this relationship? It's all on him, bro. You did nothing wrong in this sense other than trust somebody that you've known since you were a kid.

He has to literally make it up financially, or at least to the best of his abilities, really feel like he's trying. And from then on, he's just kind of on friendship probation. And he needs a bad nickname for the rest of his life. He needs... Like, pickpocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, dude. Absolutely. Treat this like Tony Soprano after Pussy came back and claimed he had back surgery. Remember? He was wearing a wire. This guy's a...

Odds are this guy's a fucking snake and a piece of shit, and you just found out late in life. And sometimes the guys you're friends with when you're a kid are not the people you're going to be friends with for the rest of your life. All right, here's the real question, right? You welcome him back into your life. You get a hot girlfriend, and you go by yourself out of town for work. Do you think this guy would fuck your girlfriend behind your back? I'm betting yes. I'm betting yes, and that's my trauma. Yeah.

You had some fucking piece of shit. I almost told you where I went. Where I went to. Twice. Same dude. Oh, no. Same dude. Same dude. High school and college. Brutal. Yeah. You, man. That makes sense. It's the old thing. Frog says to the scorpion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The scorpion and the toad. Yeah.

Scorpion's like, come on, man, let me ride you over. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, but what if you sting me in the back? He goes, I'm not going to sting you in the back. He goes, you promise? He goes, yeah, I fucking promise. Yeah, we'd both die. So they get to the side and he stings him on the back. He goes, you said you were going to sting me in the back. He goes, bitch, you knew I was a scorpion. Yeah, I'm a scorpion, dumbass. I'm going to do it. That's what happens. And that's why men can't have gay friends. No, I'm kidding. Ha ha ha.

That's a joke. And listen, get sucked off by your friends every once in a while. Who cares? I'm sorry this happened to you, buddy. Yeah, this sucks, but you'll bounce back. You'll bounce back. You got to be wary of this guy, and he's got to really make it up to you 110%. And honestly, the answer might be this guy can't be your friend for years, if ever again. It's a hard one. That's a hard one. What would you do if I stole $8,000 from you, Elders?

I don't know. I think about this kind of happened to me in college where we had a roommate. He was a piece of shit. He was a piece of shit. He was like a 42 year old man that was trying to become a school. I was going to college. He lived in their sunroom. This one's on you. He was 30 years old, but he was like the general manager. We're 18. We're 20. Yeah. 30. Yeah. He's a general manager. He's a general manager at the fucking radio station. He,

By the way, he was a tough looking 30. He was not a sprightly 30. He had a fucked up face. I remember our other friend who moved in with us in that house. We were sitting on the stoop of his dorm before we moved in. And I saw this guy walking by and I told him like, hey, let's move into this house together, blah, blah, blah. And this guy walks down. I'm like, that's the guy. And from the first moment,

Our guy was like, that's who we're moving into. He looks like a piece of shit. He had this ratty long hair, these fucking track pants, like some metal. Well, hold on. Ratty long hair and track pants doesn't sound that bad. That bad?

That part. His style seems fine. That's who we're moving in with? Yeah. And that was his gut instinct from the second he saw him, and he was right. He was absolutely right. Because this guy just, like, was so late. And our friend that he's talking about is a little too judgmental, but he was right in this case. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. We'll call him Big P for the purposes of the podcast.

Our pal Big P. But yeah, then this guy, like, he was just late on, like, rent the entire year, basically. And it's crazy when you're, like, 21. You have to, like, hound a fucking 30-year-old guy who's living in, like, not even a proper bedroom. Like, the sunroom of the house. He's living in their sunroom, dude. Are you serious? Yeah, they look like a prison cell. And his parents paid for his rent, didn't they? He was, like, waiting on his mom's, like, social security to, like, pay some of it.

It was $300 rent. It was $300 a month, bro. $300. He couldn't come up with $300 in a month? He's a grown man. It was rough shit. But that was so emotionally stressful dealing with it for an entire year that by the end of it, I was like...

I just need this guy out of my life. Yeah. I want to be done. Yeah. And yeah, it's hard to think of like, if that happened with us, it'd be, it'd be, it would be hard. I would need like a long times distance. Absolutely. It would have to be years. And I would have to, and same thing. If you did that to me, it would have, I would be like, all right, he's just on timeout for a year. Yeah. And then he has to come back. Eight men have done that to me. Eight men. Eight men.

My number's growing as I'm... That's crazy, yeah. As I've betrayed the eight men. I'm like nine. I like have... And like... And, you know... Yeah, I've had... My number's up there. Yeah, more men have betrayed you than pussies you've been inside. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More men have fucked you than you've fucked women. Yeah.

I need to be back in therapy. I haven't been in therapy for like a month because I'm so busy. No, dude. I need to get back into therapy. I do too. Actually, you know what? I need to text my therapist. I missed, I've just been busy. Yeah, I've been busy and I've been talking so much that I don't have the time to fucking talk.

I get done doing podcasts and the last thing I want to do is talk about my fucking emotions. I just talked about them on fucking she hasn't had anal sex, it's over. Cue up another one here for us, my guy. Shavi, my beautiful boy. I have a question here.

So me and my college girlfriend, I'm 23 right now, finishing up college. At the beginning of the school year, we moved in together because we didn't really have a lot of money, and it made sense. We were both together, both poor, so we're like, fuck it. Let's get this apartment together. Fast forward to about January. We break up.

Kind of like a mutual thing. It wasn't really working out. It is what it is. But we decided to split time at the apartment that we had. One bedroom because we're both poor and we're both not done with school. So I'm there like four days a week. She's there three days a week. And it's been a couple months now.

I was just wondering, is it cool if I bring girls over? Like, we have one dad. It's her dad. We've shared it for however long. Like, can I bring bitches over and possibly fuck on his bed? Or do I just, like, solely keep it on the couch? The couch? That's the fucking problem? I don't know, man. I need your advice. Love you. Love the show. He said keep it on the couch. Or do I just not have anyone over at all? Right, right, right. I mean...

It is kind of rude to fuck in her bed, right? That is like a bit, it's kind of rude. Pretty aggressive. Pretty aggressive. Now, here's the thing. If you were to do this, so you see he has it four days a week. You got to give her at least a day buffer for the pussy to air out of the room. And ideally two days. Like, let's say. You don't want her walking out of the fucking bedroom with the sheets stuck to her back. Yeah.

Yes, absolutely. So you need, I would say you can fuck on the second day that you have there. Give it two days. Give it, give it two days to air out. Change the sheets. Change the sheets. Two day buffer. That's the only way I'd even consider it.

Having said that, I would just kind of catch the vibe. Is she fu- What do you think's going on with her? I wouldn't want to be the one who opens the floodgates of fucking in the bed, because that's the other thing. You might be the first one to fuck, but if she finds out, if she's a girl, number one-

She could put up numbers, brother. Do you really want to play a hot college girl at this game? You sound like a nerd. You said possibly fuck. So you don't even know that you're going to fuck? You're just maybe... Like, if you bring a girl and fuck her, that's one thing. If you bring a girl and get rejected on her bed, that's fuck. You'll never be able to fucking bounce back from... That would be demoralizing. He's not thinking all this through either. Yeah.

Because you're not going to take a girl back and go, so here's the deal. I share this apartment with my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend. We're breaking up. You're just going to take her back and fuck her in the bed. And then one night she's going to get drunk and want to fuck you again and knock on the door and go, where's Steve in? Is Steve here? Wait, I fucked in that bed. Yeah, yeah. And then you are fucked. Do not, do not.

Respect the sanctity of that house. Yeah, I would say I would keep it as a neutral ground. Play away games if you have to. And here's the other thing. Not only that, but this is her bed. It's probably like a girly wrought iron bed frame. There's probably her shit is everywhere. Does she have pictures of herself? Like, what the fuck? You're going to fuck with a bunch of dresses in the fucking. It'll look like you're cheating on your girlfriend. It'll be weird. Or you broke into someone's house. Yeah, you would.

You broke into a girl's house to fuck a different girl. So, yeah, man, what the fuck? You can't fuck the girls. Don't even do it on the couch, man. Come on. Couch is weird. I wouldn't have a girl over. This feels like a weird little DMZ. Personally, I'm a gentleman, though. I don't know about you. Me and Bird are both fucking sentimental gentlemen. Eldest, what would you do as the Albanian animal on the podcast? I would definitely consider it. It would be...

I think it would open the floodgates, not just for like retaliation, but also I'm like, well, okay, the first time I'll do it, you know, I'm in there Monday through Thursday. Like you said, I'll do it on Monday. I'll change those sheets, do the laundry, whatever you need. You get lazier. Every time. You're going to be doing it on like Thursday night eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, she's moving back in here at like 6 o'clock. I'm going to try to get my dick sucked at 3.30 and have the place cleared out.

So I think it would be dangerous, but yeah, I could definitely see myself doing something like this. I would definitely consider it. I see it's fucked up, but whatever. Because ultimately it's not about hurting her relationships or hurting her feelings or the relationship. It's just kind of a fucked up thing to do in a roommate sort of way. But it's not like you're trying to hurt her. But that's the thing.

It's not technically wrong, but there's enough kind of manners things around this that if she was just your roommate, it wouldn't be wrong. And if she was just your ex, it wouldn't be wrong. But when you mash them together, it just feels not... And you don't want that energy when you're getting pussy. Nope. You want to be fully enthusiastic the whole time. So that's my read on it, pal. It doesn't seem like you fuck that much, let's be honest. Yeah.

And this lease is about to be up, it sounds like. So whatever. You're good. Why complicate things? And it's also, it sounds like you're in a nice, it's civil. If they can split the room and they're in a good position. It seems like it's working. Why would you want to like complicate things with an ex where you might even be able to have a good friend here after this relationship? Just because you got some fucking, you know, C plus pussy after fucking, after you went to fucking, I don't know.

Uh, Bio Lab. I really blew it with that one, but whatever. You get the drift. I love how many fucking different names it calls you as opposed to Bobby. Yes, yes. It transcribes it. Hey, Bobby. Yeah, and it just, it never, it never. I'm a 20-year-old gay. It never gets it right. Hit us with an L.D.?

Hey, Stavi. I am a 22-year-old guy. I just got out of college a few months ago, working in a big city. And I've been on the dating apps for a while, Tinder, Inj. You mentioned Fields, so I spelled Fields. And I can talk to women on them just fine and get dates, but I'm very bad at

establishing that I want something casual to happen and making it happen in a reasonable amount of time before women start ghosting me. So I'm wondering what are your tips for being efficient on dating apps, I guess would be the term. Love the show. Love you. Keep doing amazing things. You're the ghost, Bobby. Thanks. This is awesome because his question is, hey man, I can't get pussy when a woman sees me in real life. How do I change that? Ha ha ha ha!

How do I expedite my pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and him are opposite because it's like I don't get like a lot of matches or, you know, I'm not really on dating apps anymore. But back in the day, I wouldn't get matches because it's like, you know, when you're a fucking fat, bald guy and that's all they know about you. Visually is not what's good about me. I know this walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wouldn't get matches, but every match I got, I fucked basically like that.

Pretty much... If I ever started talking to someone, I pretty much fucked them. So this guy probably is a relatively handsome guy, but you just don't have any sauce. Because he's like...

He said, establishing that I want something casual and making it happen in a reasonable amount of time before women start ghosting me. He literally means get pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if he even means like, to the point of dates though, it seems like he's just like dragging it on and not putting out the fuck vibes on the apps or something when he's like messaging. But didn't he say you can get dates? I've been on dating apps.

For a while. And I can talk to women on them and get dates. So, yeah, dude, I mean, you want me to tell you how to get you've done. This is kind of on you. I'm sorry to say it like you. You actually have gotten further than I usually that that my natural abilities could get me back in the day.

We have opposite problems here because if I'm on a date, I'm pretty much fuck I truly I don't mean to be like an asshole But it's like the hard part is getting the date for me and then once I'm there It's like I usually the person wants to you know I don't usually blow it if someone has some interest in me because I'm a good time when I blow it That's when I blew it. I wouldn't know I could never read people very well, even if you were on a date though this guy I mean, I could have blown it with my wife. She gasped me really she gave me her number and

And I never called her. And then she called my roommate and was like, what's up with your fucking roommate? Never called me. And I was just like, I don't know. Wow. So if your wife wasn't like a... If my wife hadn't called my roommate and said to me, are you going to take me on a date or not? I would have never taken her on a date.

That's crazy. If you ask me, I'll say yes. I said, do you want to go on a date? She said, yes. And then I told her, I said, you know, just so you know, I'm not like, I guess I think I told someone I'm not into whores. And I didn't want to, I didn't want to. And your reputation has gotten around school. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, you know, I'm not just like someone I just want to have sex. And then she goes, you think I wanted to go out and date with you just to have sex with you? And I was like, why else would you? She goes, I mean, my

ego about who I thought I was was so blown out of proportion. You can't just use this. And it's an honest ego. It was an honest like, yeah, you probably just want me for my body. You probably just want my beautiful physique. I was beautiful then, Stoddard. I was 186 pounds. And I looked fucking gorgeous. Yeah.

Gorgeous. That's my fucking fighting weight right there. Would you get head from you at that age now? Would I get? If you cloned, if you put an, if you had a. I would suck my dick. Yeah. Oh, you would suck your dick. Yeah. I would suck my dick. That's not what I asked. You loved young you so much you'd suck his dick. I'd suck my own dick. Is that the question? Regardless, that's my answer.

Oh, fuck. That's awesome. So, look, I mean, I don't know what the... You're on the dates. You're doing something right. But you just got to be a more interesting guy or date uglier bitches. I don't know what to tell you. Or just like, yeah, I just... Lower your standard for swiping. Yeah, or just keep going. If you're getting ghost... Now, there's a little element here of...

You go on a bunch of dates, you're going to fail at a nice percentage of them. You're not going to fuck every girl you date. You're not going to go on a date with every girl you match with. You're not going to fuck every girl you go on a date with.

So that if you're within reasonable percentages, like, what do you think? What do you think back from your swiping days, all this? I think, I think for him there's like definitely, you definitely put out like a fuck vibe or not on like a dating app and how you like present yourself, the pictures you're doing, your fucking answers to those dumb questions. And even like,

I don't know. He's probably just, like, too nervous, too, like, stiff on these dates. And the girls are like... Yeah, what are you doing also on these dates? Are you going... I mean, drinks is the way to go. Like, when you're Mr. Pussyhound in bed style, this...

Fucking pussy getting Sula back in the day. I don't know. Dating started being like, and using the app started being easy for me when I was like, you know, I don't really care what happens on this date one way or the other. And I started, you know. Free yourself from desire. It's the root of all suffering. And it's like no Friday or Saturday first or second dates or anything. These bitches don't get a marquee weekend. That's for the boys. I'll put it to you this way.

When you go to a foreign country and you're trying to learn language and you're hungry,

You don't go to a steakhouse. You go to the convenience store where it's easy and you know the words for the things around. Right, right, right. You do not put yourself in a... And right now you're going to steakhouses not knowing the language very well and you're trying to get oysters. Yes. You're trying to order off-menu at the steakhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to 7-Eleven, point. Point to the pussy. Go to some pointable pussy and...

And just start there. Yes, yes, yes. And then learn the language of fucking chicks faster, more casual. That's a great point. And then try the bigger ones. That's a beautiful way to put it. Absolutely right. You might be biting off a little more than you can chew. Get something more reasonable. Go to the convenience store, buddy. You know?

And you might be the convenience store for other bitches, you know? Let them use you as the convenience store, you know? Because you're not a prize yet. You're a 22-year-old nerd who's nervous. Or let some convenience store pussy eat at a steakhouse every now and then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. I think I'm a Popeye's drive-thru. I think that's what I think. I'm a big Popeye's guy. Damn, I want some Popeye's.

Fucking eating healthy. Tough. I want some fried chicken. I'm starving now you said that. Yeah. Literally the second I said it, I started getting hungry too. I go, God damn it. I want a fucking diet root beer and I want a fucking Popeye's. We can make a diet root beer. L, just go get, play the call and then get our friend the diet root beer here for the, you know,

for the tail end of the pod here. Hey Stavi, this is Taylor from Atlanta, Georgia. I got tickets to see you in April. Big fan. Hell yeah, brother. I can't wait. I've got a question for you as it relates to my sex life. And I'm engaged. We've been having sex for a while now. But, you know, we've been together for about four or five years.

I guess what I'm saying is something that a lot of people say is we're not having sex as much anymore. And I don't know, man, maybe I've been watching too much porn, but I'm beginning to think that bringing a camera into the room can spice things up. But I'm aware it could maybe turn her off a little bit. Obviously with consent, but for something about the POV, I just need to see it. I almost would prefer to have sex with my fiancee

This is fucking insane. Okay, so...

Having to spice things up is a pretty normal thing. But what you said about I would almost rather watch my girlfriend fuck me through a phone is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard in my life. That fucking sucks, dude. You need to fucking think about that shit, what that means. Get off your fucking phone, dude. Are you out of your mind? A chill went up my spine when you said that. That's like seeing kids on a beach look at TikToks of kids on a beach. Yeah.

Yeah, go in the ocean, mother fucker. It's right there. Damn, dude. I mean, look.

So you got to figure that part out. Now, if you want to, I'm not saying that it can't be kind of hot to film. I haven't done too much film. One time I fucked a girl and she just pulled her phone out and started taking pictures of me fucking her. Really? And it was fucking wild. But I was like, where the fuck has this bitch shown these pictures? You know what I mean? Like, but she was a fucking freak. And that was pretty cool. She's, that's a girl that has just cheated on her.

boyfriend with me in the past and I'm like that feels awesome I'm like that's pretty fucking cool to find that out I didn't know I would love if my wife pulled her phone out and started video chatting with me fucker that will never first of all she barely knows how to use her phone she's 52 she has to put her glasses on the type's all big yeah yeah maybe you're just taking pictures that's not video she's just taking pictures she's got your dick on a panorama yeah that's portrait mode what the fuck

I'm blurry. You can see my dick from my face. It says get closer to the subject. Oh, yeah. That is... You're right. He's got a disconnect from his phone and porn for a little bit. You got to go cold turkey. Yeah, that's... Okay, if you want to do this, fine, but you need a month no jacking off to pornography before you do this. And then you have my blessing. But you can't be so dialed into your phone right now. That's fucked up. But, like, in terms of spicing the shit up, like...

That could be kind of hot. And then probably you could even watch. You guys can watch the shit, you know, the porn together. That'd be kind of cool. Yeah, I've never recorded myself. I have nothing on camera. Yeah, good. I have zero on camera. I've never recorded myself or myself with a woman. And my wife has zero on camera, or at least. If she does, we're fucking on camera. She's getting fucked in the ass in high def. Yeah.

I'm doing it in 4K. Yeah, okay, so... Damn, spicing up. I don't know, man. Um...

How do you pitch this to her? I think you have to pitch it to her in the context. First of all, after you go through the month rule that we just laid down, you have to pitch it to her in the context of a spice up situation. Okay. I rescind my, I have zero on my. Okay. Yep. And I'm going to tell you how you do it, big guy. Oh, let's hear it. You know what I'm doing. Is it the fucking. Yes. Yes.

It's one time I had sex with my wife in our where we used to do the podcast. Yes. Random. It was random and it was hot. It was unexpected. And at the end, it was so fucking hot. She walked out. I started flexing. I'm sure you can find this picture online. I started flexing. And then randomly, I was in what she would call it. She was like, hey...

There's something in the backyard. It's on our Nest Cam. Can you look at it? And I go and I scroll and I accidentally hit. Then I went, wait, this goes back 30 fucking days? I'm on the road. I'm in my bunk and I fucking scroll through. I'm sure it's in that episode. Yeah. No, that's not it. No, that's not it. You look good. You look good, man. No, you're not going to find it now. There's a lot of pictures of me naked. And so I go to the thing and I go,

God damn it. I'm watching me fuck my wife. Now it's really far off, but I screen grabbed the picture of me flexing and I sent it to my wife. She goes, what's this? I go, do you remember when we had sex in the man cave? And she was like,

shut the fuck up. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, are you serious? And I said, do you want to see it? She goes, no, I don't want to see it. But then part of her, she goes, do I look good? Yeah. That's your in. That's your in. Ooh, yes. Yes. You have to, you have to install a fucking nest cam and you have to know your angles and then you have to have some hot on unplanned sex. And they'd be like, well, look at that. What a convenient mistake. Yeah.

That's your end, brother. Those nest camps would be great. I sent a video of Bobby Lee, two Bobby Lee of me and my wife and my daughters watching him do goddamn comedy jam because we were laughing so hard. And then randomly, when I was doing that movie, the girl that plays the villain goes, do you have a picture of a dog? No.

And I go, oh, I do. And I scrolled to find one, and I hit, and it's a video from our Nest Cam of when we put our dog down. Did you show her that? And I went, here it is. And I went, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's when we put our dog down. She goes, why would you show me that? Dude, that's fucking hilarious. It's us all crying. Your dog.

Just making friends. Just making friends on set. That's so very sad. Why would you show this to me? I was like, no. Sorry, I fucked up. I'm sorry I fucked up. It's so casual. This is us killing our dog. Goddamn, that's fucking hilarious. So there you go, man. Nest cam. Or, you know, broach the subject. Maybe there's other ways to spice it up. Maybe she's been wanting to spice it up. You know, you always can try stuff...

I think, like, on the Nest Camp thing, he doesn't even need to, like, plant one, you know, fake accident or something. He'd just be like, oh, I think it'd just be so hot, jerking off to us fucking in the future. You look so good. You know, just talk it up a little. That happened to me also. What's that? What's that? I'm home. Girls are at school. Leanne's working out. And I'm... And I'm... And I start...

jerking off and I see a little green light go off in the corner. I go, whoa. And now we had just gotten a puppy. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this on stage. I'm going to do this on stage. We just got a puppy. And so Leanne's at her workout class. She's like, oh, the puppy's probably playing in the living room. They're like, you got a puppy? She was like, yeah, let me show you. And goes, hold on, hold on. It's coming up. And I realized that I'm jerking off and the nest cam's like, I spotted activity.

And so I said, that's a game time decision. What do you do? Do you scurry out of the room with your dick in your hand like a coward? Or do you spin, face the camera and go, this is my house!

Yeah, you're already caught. You might as well let them see the hog in its full glory. Yeah, slow down my pacing. And then the joke I had was you can't jerk off next to a puppy because the second you start jerking off, the puppy just gets next to you like, are you going to throw that stick or what? He'll grab your dick for sure. A puppy will lick your penis, no problem. No problem. We use a little peanut butter. Yeah, you can coax it. A little peanut butter, you can get it to do it. You can coax it.

Why don't we do one more? You got time, Bert? Yeah, of course, of course, of course. Let's do another one, LD. Let's get a juicy one that's like part update, but it's a former caller, but kind of a new, completely unrelated question. All right, great. We'd like to keep the community engaged. Hey, yeah, I'm a teacher that wants to fuck you. Yeah, no, I'm just kidding. No, maybe. I don't know. I actually called him before. I have the dad in the German. That's all I'm going to say. Oh, yeah, Paul. This is the one where the guy, the...

His dad killed a German in war or something when he was stationed there? His dad was in the war in Germany and he ended up killing a guy. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What war in Germany? No, no, he was stationed in Germany. He was stationed in Germany. He was in the army.

So he was a soldier, but he killed a guy, but not at war. Just killed a guy in a bar brawl. And because he was a U.S. soldier, he never had to fucking deal with the repercussions. Oh, wow. And he confessed it to this guy like 30 years later. And he confessed it to his kid. And he was like, what the fuck do you want me to do about it? So that's... What episode was that on? Do you remember? I kind of forget. Yeah. Anyway, great. So he's calling back. So thanks for calling back. Let us know what you did with your dad. Because we trashed his dad for a while.

Cause that's a pretty selfish move to fucking unload that on your kid. Oh yeah. You know, what's the kid supposed to do about it? All right. I'll just press play. I don't want to talk to myself or my father or anything, but yeah, I'm a teacher. And the reason I'm calling is I kind of need some advice. Um,

I'm in the process of buying a house. I teach in Chicago. I teach high school. I get paid okay. I'm not like a broke-ass teacher, but obviously, you know, the work's tough. Maybe I do want to make more because I'm trying to buy a house right now. It's really fucking hard. The rates are crazy. All this shit sucks. Not having money fucking sucks. I hate being poor even though I like have a better job than most people I know. It still fucking sucks when you're like...

You know, right now there's like $3,000 would change my life and it's just like not, not happening. I'm trying to get a house with my girlfriend, which I know is already like kind of crazy. Um, and I guess my advice is, is I feel like I would rather kind of rent and just save and try to just like have a, cause I know renting is fucking stupid for lots of reasons, but with these interest rates, you know, some places are super inflated and, uh, my advice is just, um,

How do I, you know, try to, like, work with my girlfriend to, like, want to rent? Or should I maybe move out? Right now I live with her at her mom's place trying to save some money. And I feel like the only reason she wants to buy a house, like, she's okay with spending all this money just because she wants a place for her dog. She doesn't want to rent somewhere and have to, like, deal with, like, renting and having a dog. Her dog's kind of old, and I'm like, this thing's going to die, you know, in the next five years maybe. And I feel like we're, like, buying a 30-year commitment to...

I just don't really, I don't really know. I love this woman. I would be married to her right now if I had the money to like really put down on a ring that I want to get her, like throw shit down. I've told her as much, but I'm sorry this is wordy. You're probably not going to hear this call. I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to decide what to do here. This shit kind of blows. I wish I had fucking money.

What's the question? Like, how does he buy a house? He wants to talk his girlfriend out of wanting a house and just continuing to rent and or live with her parents. Or to start renting. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's crazy to rent for a little... If you can get a good deal on a place, especially because the interest rates are so fucking wild and you need to save some money, but you need to figure... It needs to be a place you can save money. Because rent... They're for mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like it's pretty cheap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is true. Like, if the living arrangement's okay, like, why do you want to rent...

Why do you want to buy a house? Why can't you be like, hey, maybe we should save a little bit more money, stay at your mom's? Now, is there some kind of time limit on the time you can be there? Does she want to leave? Does the mom want you out of there? I don't understand why you have to necessarily go. I think he probably wants to get out of the mom's house. They want to get out of the mom's house, and they want to rent, but he's wondering if he should buy. It sounds like it's what he's saying. Well, yeah, the girlfriend wants him to buy, basically. Well, it's never... I mean...

I don't know the right thing. I don't know anything about real estate, but all I know is that you can always refinance your home at a better interest rate when it gets better. Yeah. You know, it...

Yeah, I mean, we don't fucking know, man. I don't know anything about it. I wish I could help you, man. This is a big commitment. By the way, do not listen to us about buying a home. We're fucking dumb and we got pretty lucky with these careers. That's the reality. Dude, I'm lucky as fucking shit. I really don't even know how to buy a home. I have four and I've never bought one of them. Leanne bought them all. Hey, you know what? You might be with the wrong chick. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's something she needs to do. Yeah.

Yeah, man, you need a new check. Keep the dog, get rid of the check. Yeah, dude, you're fucked here. Life sucks. And you don't have teachers that fucking listen to you. Yeah. The fuck? I know, we have had a couple teachers. What the fuck's all these teachers for? Dude, this is the best goddamn soda in the world. It's so fucking good. Do I have any left in mine?

It's so good. I'm going to have another one. I'm going to treat myself to another one. Oh, I can murder a fucking case of those. I can make myself sick. You put me on, dude, at that same show in Newark. It was the first time I ever had that. They're my rider. They get them on all the shows. They're my rider now, too. Yeah, dude. Sorry, we love A&W more than we care about your dilemma, the thing that's plaguing you day and night. So, look.

If you really... I see what you're saying about the dog thing here. You don't want to be making a long-term decision for a fucking dog. Really, I think you should buy a little more time at the mom's house if possible because renting is this kind of weird half measure where it's expensive to rent. I don't know if there's a broker's fee where he says he's in Chicago. You know, Chicago is not a cheap city by any means. So...

Just from the limited information we have here, I would say try and eke out the mom's place a little longer. See if interest rates will go down. See if a financial collapse is coming and you can actually get a fucking house. But eke it out a little longer. And then if you really love her, you do want to be with her. It's not about the dog, but she's down to buy a place together. You guys want to buy a place together.

See if you can max out the mom's thing. And then if not, if you do want to rent the place, it's got to be a place where you'll actually save some fucking money and not like, you know, waste your fucking time. So good luck. Good luck, buddy. Fucking sucks. Sorry. I remember being there. I remember saying to Leanne,

we should just rent. It's too expensive to buy. And she said, honey, if we can't afford to buy a house, we also can't afford to rent a house. She's like, it's the same shit, stupid. So what do you mean? She goes, if we can't afford this house that we want to buy, then we should just move home. Yeah. And I was like, really? And they're already in the moved home situation. They've moved home. I can't imagine them with Leanne's. Leanne's dad at the time was living in a convenience store.

In the freezer. It was fucking awesome. You would have loved it. You would have loved it because you'd wake up in the middle of the night and you were in a convenience store. Talk about putting on weight. That would be sick. I would fucking wake up. I'd get a tall boy and I'd get a Kit Kat. I'd get some fucking Kit Kat. Sit in my underwear in the middle of the night in a convenience store. Some pork rinds, some Doritos. Fuck.

Watch people walk up for cigarettes. I'd be like, we're closed. We're closed, pal. That would be fucking sick. Well, anyway, good luck. Your life sounds so much worse than ours. Sorry, man. I wish I had better. I wish I had more to tell you, but stay at mom's and, you know, do a little money. Save up a little money and...

Hey, you know, you could always try randomly having a career in comedy that's succeeded more than your wildest dreams. Yeah, get into comedy. Start a podcast. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, tell your girl you're starting a podcast. Live on the edge and try to get canceled. I guarantee you'll fucking just go on a podcast and say the most wildest shit you could ever say for nine years, ten years, and then one day go, ooh, I wish I could get rid of those. Yeah, dude, good luck. DeStefano, we did an episode with DeStefano recently, and we were all saying, like, you know, what's the number in your head for, like,

having made it. And literally when I lived in Baltimore, the number was $40,000 a year. For real? Because I was just like poor. Like we grew up poor as shit. And it was like houses in my neighborhood cost, at the time they went for like 80 grand, the whole house. Now they're like 160, 200 maybe. My number was...

When I was in college, my number was $1 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you made a million dollars, you were successful. Yeah. And you were a millionaire. I was like, imagine being a millionaire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when I got my first TV show, I got paid $5,000 a week. And me and my buddy Eddie were at a stoplight on Hollywood Boulevard. And he looked at me and he goes, I just got the offer. They go, do you accept it? It's $5,000 a week. And I went.

Yeah, and I hung up and I go, I have a TV show. And he looked at me and he goes, bro, you're a millionaire. And I never questioned his math. And I thought I made it. And then when I got married, this is how stupid I am. And this is how stupid I am. When I was married to Leigh-Anne,

I had, we had Georgia, we had Isla, and I was making pretty good money. No, I wasn't making any money at all, any money at all. I got Travel Channel, and I negotiated $7,000 a week for my thing on Travel Channel. And I walked into Leanne. I said, my contract for Birth to Conquer is $7,000 a week. And she goes, oh, my God. And I said, yeah, we're millionaires. And she went, what?

hang on. She goes, how many episodes are you doing? I go, 13. She goes, you only get paid for 13 episodes. And I went, I didn't take that through. She goes, you thought you were getting paid every week? I go, for a second I did, I'm sorry. And then she said, hold on, 7,000 doesn't make you a millionaire. It doesn't? She goes, no. And I went, oh, fuck.

And I had to reassess. Yeah, dude. So those are the guys you were asking for home buying advice. These two fucking idiots. But good luck. And Bird, thank you, buddy. This was a great episode, man. Thank you so much for coming. I appreciate it. I love you, man. I love you too, dude. I'm so glad you're doing Fully Loaded. Can't wait. It's going to be fucking sick. And thank you for letting me come on to promote Razzle Dazzle. Anytime, dude. Anytime. And I got to get you on my cooking show. Dude, I would love it.

We'll fly you out. Whoever you want to do it with, we'll fly you guys out. And we're building a new kitchen in the new house so that you can shoot out at the end of the kitchen. Dude, that's so sweet. It'll be fucking gorgeous. It'll be fucking awesome. And I got to have you out. Dude, man.

Once this shit slows down, I'm going to take a long time off. So I would love to, man. Awesome, brother. Thank you for doing it. Anytime you want to come back and go watch Razzle Dazzle, buy tickets to the Fully Loaded Tour. I'm going to be on it the last weekend. But if it's coming to your city, just buy the fucking tickets. The lineups are insane. Thank you, Bert. And thanks for listening, everybody. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.