Are You Garbage?
01:25:35 Share

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to episode two of Stavi's World. Thank you so much to everybody who listened to the first episode with Sam Murill. Really appreciate all the feedback, all that good stuff. I think you're going to love this episode. Two hilarious guys. The Are You Garbage Boys. Some incredible stories, some very funny, some very good advice. Enjoy. Eldis, hit the music, baby. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you like that, Foley? I love it. I'm about to start complaining about the bronzino. Break some plates, you fat son of a bitch. Uh...

Hello everybody and welcome to Stavi's World. We are back. We've got some of my favorite boys, the Are You Garbage boys. We got Kev, we got Foley in the mix. Thank you for coming out to the studio. Buddy, thank you for having us. It's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is awesome, dude. Yeah, we've got super producer Eldis looking ugly today. No, no, no. I'm looking good, I'm looking good. You look like a piece of fucking shit. What do you get the name Eldis from?

It's my mom's name, my grandma's name put together. Elders, don't look the guests in the eyes. I wouldn't have came if I knew he was going to look at me. How many times have I had to tell you not to look the guests in the eyes? Oh, we've done this on Zoom.

If you do, put some contacts in. Those glasses are freaking me out. Shut up, Aldous Dahmer over there. I feel like I'm about to take a driving test. I'm sorry my Albanian looked you in the eyes, guys. You're Albanian? Yeah. My apologies. Yes, we have... We've been friends since kindergarten. Really? I love that. And it's hilarious because Greeks and Albanians have like... Greeks consider themselves better than Albanians. So my...

Ironic racism has been a part of my life since I was in kindergarten. Because it was like, we realized, like, wait, you know, our friends, like, we had friends, fathers who were literally racist against Albanians. Sure. And we met else and we're like, but he's cool. He's not a thief. He's not a horse thief. Yeah, he's not a goat thief. I didn't catch him in the garage the middle of the night.

Real quick, there was one time in, like, second grade I was trying to go over my friend's house. And he was like, you should just wait out here by the fence in, like, the backyard in the alley in Baltimore. His dad, like, didn't want me in the house because I'm Albanian. He, like, brought a juice box out to me. Yeah, his mom brought a juice box out thinking she was being humane. And it's like, oh. Yeah, it's like...

He was literally, he was allowed in the yard, but not in the home. Throw a shoe at him or something. Real old country shit. Give you a bag of rice. No, truly, he was, I mean, his, I mean, truly, like, villager hillbilly Greek people. I love that. That's great. You gotta stay in the culture. Those are our roots. Those are our roots for sure. The Greeks have a lot of beefs, don't they? They got the Turks. They've been around for a long time. Yeah. Don't like the Turks. Nah, the Ottoman Empire, they really fucked our asses good. Yeah. So...

But, you know. But aren't, like, genetically you guys Turks, right? All right, you got to leave. You got to leave. We're sitting here having a good time. Eldest, suppress your delight at that comment.

His horns start coming out. No, I mean, what is funny, I don't want to fucking step on, but I am, I'm working on a bit about how like Greeks think they're not even white. Like Greek people think they're white, you know? It's like, so, you know, watch out for the special in a year. It's coming out. But yes, no, Greek people are fucking, it is, it is the, it's funny how much privilege

we have for a thing that happened 5,000 years ago that none of us were a part of. I like that. Stick with the beef. Don't forgive. You like ancient beefs? Yeah. Do you guys have any... This is a segment we want to actually start doing where we... Do we have beefs? No, no, no. Not beefs. Plenty of them. I know you definitely have plenty of beefs, Foley. But...

Have you ever encountered Greeks or Albanians? We want to start doing a tally of who's, if you've encountered a villainous. Like in my life before meeting you guys? Before me and Eldis, any villains. Any honest, I guess. Any nice people. Yeah, yeah. The ones we know accepted. Like any random. I worked at a Greek restaurant in West Village. That's right, we've talked about this. Yeah, for a long time. And one of the owners was Greek.

He was awesome. Yeah, there we go. Score one for Greeks, Eldis. 100%. I don't think I've ever met one, to be honest with you. Interesting. That is the level of white trash you are. If you're not Irish, German, or Polish, I never met you. Greeks are too exotic. That's the level of segregation you grew up around. It's like even slightly tan whites were off. A Lutheran moved into our neighborhood for about a week one time.

Until he ran him out. He got hit by a car three times. The food's too good. The Greek food? It's too good. It's too good to ever...

I always say it's hard for a fat guy to ever be racist. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, the food's always bad. You have to swear off of food. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Let's go through the races and their foods real fast. Let's go. Let's do it. No, but you're right. Middle Eastern food, you got to have. That's one of my favorites. Number one. Love it. Love it. Love it. Chinese? Come on. Any Asian, so in. Taiwan, you're on your own. I don't know what to tell you.

Keep the orange chicken coming. Keep the crab ragoon coming. Oh, fuck. Elders, can you hit the fucking air conditioner? The room... Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so much man in this fucking studio right now. It's not even plugged in. It's just inherently new. It's got to cool off five sweaty dudes.

All right. Hell yeah. It's got a nice look at Aldous' ass crack. Yeah. The temperature's raised eight degrees. Us talking seven minutes. There's 2,000 pounds of man in here right now. A lot of dude in here. Start talking about Kung Pao chicken. The heat turns on. Let's go.

But yeah, thank you boys for coming. Just, you know, this is a new pod. You're part of the like the experimental batch of what we're doing here. Thank you, buddy. It's going to be, it's a little like, you know, what if your therapist was a fat Greek moron? Sure.

who operate out of his father's restaurant. That's kind of the vibe, you know? So we later, a little later on the show, we're going to take some voicemail, some calls from people who have called in. But we want to start now with just, you know, let's get to, what are your guys' issues? Let's fucking really dish here. I'm very happy for you. You guys have had a lot of success. Things are going good recently. But, you know, you still, you were degenerate pieces of shit for years with nothing going on. Until like six weeks ago, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you want to do the math. I would argue we still are. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Especially you, Foley. You're so much older than everyone thinks you are. You are youthful. I always say that I, best case scenario for a fat man, but I will say, Foley, your body is held up

So much more than it should have. I agree. And you look so much better than you should. Yeah. Especially when you consider how you've lived your life. 100%. You know? I always say genetically, I'm supposed to be attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a lot of hair. You know, my skin's pretty good. I look young. Yeah. But I've just worked really, really hard. Yeah. To fucking not be attractive. Yeah. And you're doing it. Yeah. You're not doing it.

And hard work pays off, folks. Did you hear that, kids? You at home could also be a fat piece of shit. I ate that piece of salmon that was on the kitchen table. You're like a dog. We can't leave anything. Sorry, Elders. There goes your breakfast. So wait, Wendy, because I am always fascinated because we met.

And, you know, like, we all, we met through, like, stand-up, like, probably, I don't know, almost a decade ago at this point. Sure, yeah. But you had this whole life of, like, you were acting first and foremost and, like... I mean... Right? No. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lower the lights and get him a scarf. Jesus fucking Christ. If I gotta hear this sob story one more time.

Eldis, get me a skull and a glass of wine, will you? Let's make a note of we need to be able to control the lighting, Eldis. I wish we could give him a fucking spotlight. He starts walking. Jazz music starts playing. Tweet or not tweet. No, so I'm 46 now. I didn't start comedy until I was 32. Oh, shit. Never really thought about doing comedy. You're funny. You should do this. Didn't want to do it. Everybody was funny.

I did want to be an actor though. So I flunked out of college my sophomore year and then here, NYU, where'd you go? Uh, Columbia, Columbia. No, what are you talking about? Montgomery community college. I did for a half a semester.

Get his head on straight, you know what I mean? When you say college, you mean the Philly Fanatic Training Academy. I flunked out of mascot school. I decided I would be an actor. I was just close to being gritty. No, so I went to a theater conservatory near where I went to college. So I did that for two years. And then I was wildly insecure. I was fucking...

Were you fat as shit back then as well? No, it's kind of funny. Interesting. Because I see pictures of him, like, on, like, you know, face, whatever, like, old pictures from, like, a decade ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we had first moved to New York. And, like...

You were, like, smaller than I am now. Yeah, yeah. Like, I used to be the fat. He used to, like, he used to call me the fat. Yeah, what's up, fatty? What's up, Lardy? Interesting, interesting. And, like, I look at him, he was, like, you were probably, like, 225 or something. Wow. Yeah, and we met. So this is going back 10 years before I met him. So in college, I played football on the cross. Wow. Relax, bro. So in the spring, I was, like, a buck 80. Wow.

Wow, look at you. And I rolled into theater school like that. You must have been a piece of ass back then. You were getting sucked off of community college left and right? Oh, I was doing it. It was all right. It was a good time. What was your favorite piece of pussy pie from that era, Foley? I hooked up with this black chick at the theater for like the whole summer. Look at that. That was all right. Yeah.

Was she a fan of your talent? Do you think you got her with your acting? Yeah, that was always something. You understand on-set romances and stuff like that. Of course, of course. You know what I mean? Yeah, me and Elvis have been hooking up. Me and Elvis have been hooking up. This is the only set I've been on. Can't get anything done in here.

It's like a porn shoot. Yeah. I did do one movie, and then they were like, it was like this, like, it's coming out. I don't know. Maybe it's already out by the time this shit comes out. But the person I spent the most time with, halfway into the thing, it was like they tested everybody for, you know, COVID and all this stuff. It was kind of over. Nobody really gave a fuck. It was this summer. Yeah, gotta go through the rest.

And then they were like, hey, we've got an emergency. And they were like, somebody tested... One of the extras tested positive for COVID. We were like, oh, that sucks. And then I sit back down. The lady that was sitting next to me the whole time, different lady. And I was like, what the fuck? That bitch had COVID? So...

Thank God there was no on-screen romance with me and her. I would have fucking had the vid for a fourth time. But that's cute. So community college, you both think you're going to be serious actors, you and the girl. No, this was a community college. Oh, at the conservatory, I apologize. Conservatory, yeah. So you're both like self... You're young, you still... The world hasn't taken either of you down a notch. That must have been a beautiful, hopeful romance. No, and the good setup was is that we were there as...

actors. But then in the summer they would bring in...

students that were studying theater from like pretty good colleges. They were like, you know, they were, they were, they were, you know, people from good stock and they would come in and they would stay there for the summer and it would be like, you know, me and a bunch of, you know, a bunch of like just regular, you know, guys that didn't come up that way. Philly trash. Philly trash. Yeah. So it was, uh, it was a good setup. It was nice. But then I moved to. Hey, Julia, come over here and give me some pussy. Yeah.

Delco, Romeo, and Juliet. Yeah, you dance a lawyer? What's up? Can you get me out of my D-line? Tell them we're in love. But no, I did that for two years, and then my roommate was from North Carolina, so we made the wise decision, instead of moving to New York or L.A., this is... Go to the entertainment hub of Raleigh. Yeah, literally. Literally.

So here's what fucked us up. That's awesome. So this was like 96, 97. Everybody's going to Hollywood, man. They're zigging. We got to zag. There's a town in North Carolina called Wilmington, North Carolina. Sure. And Screen Gem Studios was down there. Okay. And at the time, they were filming Dawson's Creek there. You uprooted your whole life for a fucking one out of a hundred shot of being in Dawson's Creek. To be floating in the creek at some point.

So we get down there. This decision-making process is so crazy. I have to deal with it on a daily basis. It's wild. It's absolutely crazy. Oh, my fucking God. That's incredible. I literally go, how did we end up here? What's going on? So we didn't realize at the time that just because they filmed something somewhere doesn't mean that they cast it out of there.

So we go down there and I end up landscaping in the fucking North Carolina sun. Yeah for fucking nine months Don't get anything. Yeah, of course. You didn't get anything smoke crack for the first time down there because all the rich kids crack

fucking crack drum. Also, he dropped it for the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the other times were, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the rich kids down there, what they would do is they would get like really, really pure, high-powered cocaine and they would basically... They would freebase it? Yeah, make their own crack. That's how they consumed it. Right, right. So I started doing that and

And I was landscaping. You got to get into the local culture. So you started smoking crack because you were a poser. Because you wanted people to think you were a cool rich guy. I had my sweater. You found the one place rich people, emulating a rich person, leads you down to smoking crack. You didn't go to, you didn't fucking, you know, buy nicer clothes. Try and get into business school. Join a social club or something.

We're gonna get these hedges done ma'am no problem. Say goodbye to these hedges no problem. I was trying to go to this private country club.

Incredible, incredible. But I had done coke before. I started doing it in college. No one thought you did it. Not one person that's hearing this thought your first foray into drugs was crap. And I loved it, obviously. It's fucking fantastic. And then when I started doing that, it was a bad situation. That's what these guys say.

That's when things took a turn for the worse. Everything was smooth salad up until the crack came in. Oh, my fuck. So you're doing crack in North Carolina? That was for how long? How long was the North Carolina crack era? It was nine months. It ended with Hurricane Bonnie.

My roommate had met a girl, moved out, gave up on acting, and I was left in this fucking apartment complex right next to Jeff Gordon Chevrolet. I love how you're like, he gave up on acting as if you were fucking attacking it. As if you were still hitting the pavement, knocking on doors.

and smoking crack, probably. You're like, yeah, any day now, I'll be behind James Van Der Beek in a locker any day now. What's funny is that's what I thought. I thought that you would get discovered. That's how I thought it happened. It genuinely did.

I had no idea. It's crazy, dude. I didn't realize the step-by-step process of trying to be successful. You went to acting school. They didn't fucking run any of this by you? No, nothing. That was the third semester. It was move to Raleigh, North Carolina, and pick up a crack habit. We did Tai Chi classes and studied Hamlet. Give me a fucking in. How do I jerk off an agent? Give me something I can use. Oh, you would have gotten.

Easily for a... What would you have done? Anything! What do you mean? Dude, there is some agent right now, some closeted agent who's hearing this and just crying. Looking at your headshot. I could have blown him. I could have blown him soft. I would have came out of Weinstein's hotel room and been like, we're good.

Mom and dad, I got great news. Cut it, burn it. Come on your mustache. And we're going to be rich, mom and dad. Buy that above ground pool. And they did.

But I was down there. Nothing worked out, obviously. There was a bad hurricane. I got out of there. Dude, imagine a hurricane ruining your acting chances. The weather. The weather crushed his dreams. That's how flimsy they were. Well, it's raining. I better quit. We gave it a good shot. See if there's any crack left. Let's get out of here.

But then my brother had just graduated college, and he was... So I figured I'd move to New York and mooch off him for a decade. That's exactly what I did. He was working on Wall Street. He was doing well. That's awesome. He saw that I was starting to go nowhere. He's like, come up here and live with me. And then I came up here and just started waiting tables and doing more cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And didn't really leave the Upper East Side for about six years. Huh. Telling people that, like, yeah, I'm going to be an actor. But it was so much different back then.

There was no fucking actors access. There was no, you know, there was no digital. You had to like staple headshots to a resume and send them out and hope that something happened. It fucking sucked. Yeah. Um, that's how you're doing much of that either. No, I don't have a stapler. What are you talking about? You know what he had to do? Dude, it was brutal. So then I just stayed up here, fucking did that. And then, uh,

I'm interested in the cocaine waiter era, though. This is when you were at the Greek restaurant? No, no, no. That was fucking when I was 35. Oh, okay. That was five years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I waited tables and just told people I was an actor. You know, those fucking losers. Of course. I did that as a comedian. Every time I said it, I felt like such a liar. I had done it on one open mic. I'm like, I do comedy. You fucking lying piece of shit. But then my brother moved out eventually. Oh.

He got engaged, and this is maybe like... Were you in his apartment? Yeah, we lived in a studio apartment for a little while, and then we got a three-bedroom with another friend of ours, and that's when my addiction really, really got bad. And I basically... I started dating this girl, and she broke up with me, and I literally stayed in my apartment in Murray Hill on 34th and 2nd for about five years, doing crazy amounts of cocaine, driving my brother up a fucking wall,

Because I wasn't a good drug addict. I wasn't a good cocaine addict. It stimulated my sex drive. So I was literally just... You're beating off? Oh, my God. Dude, the olive oil would go missing. The penicillin.

The pan would go missing. There was fucking handprints of olive oil all over the walls. I'd look out the window. I'd put my ear against the wall thinking I could hear people having sex next door. Dude, it was fucking bad. So your brother trying to save your life is rewarded with six years of you doing cocaine and beating off in his spare bedroom? Yeah, roughly. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting.

And then after that, he moved out. I moved to Sunnyside, Queens by myself. We're still waiting tables just at this random place. Then it got really, really bad. But I started to kind of pull myself out of it. That's when it got bad. Then it did. It's gotten really bad about eight times in the story. I started to pull myself out of it a little bit. And I started to, I played guitar and I started to write songs. And I started to perform around the city a little bit. You were such a

loser that was what got you out of it was being some fucking dumb waiter that played guitar one of his songs name was sunny day you piece of shit i told you that in confidence

And that would have been a good track if I could have found the right producer. That's the world's worst songwriter. Let me see. I like the sun. It's a nice sunny day. And then you moved right outside of Graceland waiting to get a record deal. Well, this is how it happens. That's when I moved to San Antonio, Texas. Everybody said Omaha was hot. I don't know what to tell you.

I moved my apartment next to Guitar Center. Eventually, the Rolling Stones would have to buy guitars. They're going to need chords sometime. I auditioned for this band. Oh, I don't know this. They were looking for a bass player. I've never played bass in my life. And I went to the audition thinking, I'll just play them my songs and they'll love my songs. And then I'll become the lead singer.

And I didn't know how to play bass. And these guys were like a punk band. They were like... Sunny day, sunny day. Every time I would start to play one of my songs, the drummer would go... The drum was really hard to fucking kill me. But then I eventually bottomed out. Then you did. We need to fucking bottomed out. It got bad counter on this story. This is like a Bitcoin graph.

So driving the only loved one that believed in you out of your apartment with your cocaine beating off, that wasn't bottoming out, you would say? No, because when I moved into the place in Sunnyside, I kept fucking up and not being able to pay my rent. He had to bail me out. Then I got bed bugs. Oh, God. Which I brought into the building. How did you do that? He thought you had coke on him. Yeah.

Yeah, you guys party? Call it the 4D. I brought in a chair off the street. And then all of a sudden, like two months later, the building was infested with bed bugs.

And I kept calling the landlord like, I'm not paying my rent. This is ridiculous. Meanwhile, I don't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then one day I looked under the chair and it was a fucking, it was a colony of bed bugs. So I threw everything out in my apartment. It was a studio apartment this size, same kind of wood and shit like that. And all I had in my apartment was a blow-up mattress and a yoga ball.

And my computer which I did coke at chain-smoke cigarettes and jerked off to most of the time. Yeah Yeah, I would say the actual bottom was I had a hooker in there one night and we were doing coke We were both completely naked I was sitting on the yoga ball watching porn trying to jerk off and I had a cigarette in my hand and I dropped the cigarette in a pop the yoga ball and I fell on the floor and this lady was standing over me just laughing in my face and

You made her day, though, man. She probably has a horrible life. One of the few people mentioned so far that had a worse life than you in this story was the hookers that had to fuck you. Well, I could never get hard. It was just fucking weird shit. You never got hard? You would buy whores and never fuck them? It was a tough look up there. Did they just watch you beat off? What are we talking about here? Yeah, a little bit of that. Yeah, a little bit of that.

Now, a couple things I'm interested in. Who were your dealers at this time? Where did you get... Where did you score? And then who... Where are you finding these prostitutes, these sex workers at this time? I think it was like Craigslist. Oh, sure. Backpage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this might have been before Backpage. I think it was Craigslist. Man, Craigslist hookers. Or...

Yeah, back then it would be numbers. It would be phone numbers that you would call. And I remember one night I was crashing really hard and I kept calling like, I want a party girl, I want a party girl. Will you fuck me? No? All right.

Party girl means that they would bring blow with them. I got you. Party favors. Yeah, and I was like, I want a party girl. And they're like, we don't have it. And then finally I called again. They're like, all right, we'll send somebody over. And this lady who wasn't a hooker, she was like a middle-aged woman, shows up, knocks on my door. She's like, here, give me the money and I'll go get it. And I handed her $600. And as soon as I closed the door, I was like, I never saw her again.

Fuck. $600 for you back then must have been your life savings. I was making a lot. Dude, I was just, I was making so much money. I was making like, probably like four or five hundred bucks a night. Plus the record deal. Yeah. Royalties on sunny day. What was your sound exchange checks looking like? I was brought here to have a good time. This is ridiculous.

This is awesome. No, this is the whole episode. Are you kidding me? Alex, give me that bagel. I'm getting out of here. That's fucking wild. Oh, so just Craigslist. You were never a... Were you ever a sex worker? I was never a sex worker. Sex worker guy. Were you ever a prostitute guy? No, no. I had done like the... He was a lady boy in Thailand for a little while. That's where I got the dits. Oh, man. Life's been tough on you, huh?

Nah, never. That wasn't my... Didn't make a nickel. Wasn't my steez. Yeah. We would do, like, the rub and tug or, like, the wishy-washies a little bit a couple times. We found one when we were in college. Where in college? Here? No, in Philly. I went to college in Philly. Yeah, but that was it. It was never... Too much Catholic guilt to, like, get a hooker. Yeah, yeah. I worked through that. Plus, it was... Yeah, yeah.

Plus, I don't have a great piece, so it's tough. I was riddled with guilt and shame this entire time. Which then fuels the coke, which fuels the party. For 15 years, you were just running off shame, probably. Yeah, I mean, it was from 1999 to 2008 is how long my whole first stint in New York was. Never, never, never, didn't do one audition. Okay.

How about an acting class, any of that? Nothing. And then moved back to Philly. So the only acting you did was at the conservatory. Yeah, which was good for the two years. We did a bunch of plays. It was really good. What was your favorite role? I was in Biloxi Blues, which was a Neil Simon play about soldiers in boot camp, World War II, which was awesome. And I learned to shitload and all that stuff, and it was great. I just never applied it because I was a fucking idiot.

But then I moved to Philly and decided that I wanted to try comedy. Yeah. Okay. And then that was it. Then I met all these guys and here we are. Interesting. Yeah. Holy fuck. And you moved back home? You moved in with your parents in Philly? I moved in with... No, you know what I did, man? So I... Where did you go after that? I had a really good, tight group of friends from high school. And my one buddy was kind of like a nutritionist and all that kind of stuff. And...

You guys have lost touch since then? No, no, not at all. He doesn't play around. I bought the yoga ball.

But I moved in with him and his wife for a month and got clean. Oh, that's nice. And got healthy. And then I moved down to Philly with my buddy who was doing really well. He was in sales. But he was kind of picking up a Percocet addiction at the time. Which you also dabbled in. Dabbled? When I met you, you were in the throes of Percocet and Red Bull vodka.

Shout out to 2008 Philly. Let's go. That was after you got clean. You picked up a pill habit. Yeah, man. You're like, well, I'm moving back to Philly when in Rome. Yeah. I get my Philly passport, don't I? They were fucking everywhere. And I worked in a restaurant and everybody was fucking taking that with

That was at the end of the huge pill fucking wave. I'm sure. That was still in the middle, dude. It hit when I was in high school, dude, 2005. The pills in Philly. I mean, they're still, I'm sure, everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, dude, that, I mean, people were taking, I had one kid in my high school take a handful of, he took 10 uppers and 10 downers to see if they would cancel out. Jesus Christ. Carted out on a fucking stretcher out of science class. Got 1,400 on his SATs that day. I bet.

Best case scenario, it cancels out and you lose your money. Yeah. That's not even a good bet. That is true. Goddamn. Goddamn, dude. But yeah, I moved down there and I lived with him. And then we started, you know, trying to run the Raven Lounge, which was a... Oh, you guys ran that? We ran the Raven Lounge. I would hear about that in Baltimore. People were like, oh, that's a good show. I didn't know that was you guys. It was like me, him, Cassidy, Cotton. There was classes of it. It was you and Cotton and Cassidy. And then you guys passed it to me and Ryan Shaner and... Yeah.

A couple other guys, but yeah. No, that's cool. Six of them eventually took it over. It was a good show. Yeah. No, I never actually did it, but I would hear about it in Baltimore. Because, you know, it's so funny that Baltimore and Philly, we were so close, but there was almost no overlap or exchange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would just go to D.C., but it's like Philly wasn't that much further up. Especially to go do a good show. Yeah. I mean, it's one of those things now, like I go back and, you know, if we'll be in town or whatever, I'll like pop in.

I'll go do a set or whatever. I think it's closed now.

It is closed now. It is closed now. But, because I killed so hard. Had to put the roof back on the place. But it was one of those things I would go and I'm like, this fucking sucks, dude. And I'm like, was I just, was it good when we had it? Well, no. No, it probably sucked. I just thought it was great. Exactly. We took it so seriously, too. Of course. That's all you had. Even when we got to New York. Well, I mean, that makes sense for most of them, Micah, but you were a 40-year-old man at the time. Yeah, you really needed me. I really did. That was your last shot. Yeah.

He also... He's also breezed over the... He's like, we started running it. The story I hear is it was an already established show. Right. And then they were setting up one time. Yeah. And he was like...

Nobody knew who he was. He was just setting up folding chairs and sweeping, and they were like, who is this guy? And he was like, hey, guys, I'm part of the team now, right? You know what? I will give it to him. The one time is just show up and hope for the best. It worked. It worked. I tried that on Dawson's Creek, and they escorted me off the property. Yeah, when you get the chairs off the side.

Yeah, open mic comedy, it turns out, that was the level that you could be taken seriously. That was the level of art that you were perfect for. But we did used to run that like it was The Tonight Show. Yeah, sure. And we would fight and scream, and I mean, it was...

Yeah, you had nothing going on in your eyes. This means everything to us. And it's a fucking shitty open mic. Horrible. But at the time, that's your life. Yeah, we thought we were really doing it. But the thing that kind of turned my life around was I met Chris Cotton. And even though he was 10 years younger than me, like I said before, I didn't know that there was these small steps that you make to build up

No one had taught you the concept of progress. Not really. He still doesn't fully have a grasp on it.

It's weird. I mean, I was successful. We'll go do our live shows, and he'll be like, all right, so what should I do tonight? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, we're too deep into this for you to be asking me what jokes you should be doing. Interesting. Do you have a learning disability? Yeah. He's retarded. Yeah. You must have had horrific grades, right? Bro, my first semester of college, I got a .2. Yeah.

And I was playing football. You got to fucking blow. Your GPA was what a guy blows into a breathalyzer. Couldn't legally drive either. It was a dollar beer night. What do you expect?

Yeah, college wasn't good for me either, man. My self-esteem was just so fucking low. Yeah. But I mean, even as a kid, as a little-ass kid, you just had bad grades. Oh, yeah, brutal. I mean, everything was attention-seeking. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? But I did excel in sports. I was good at sports in high school, and I was pretty good at sports in college. Oh, that makes sense. Once that gets stripped, that's your whole identity. Yeah.

Yeah. And you're a dumbass. Yeah. And so once that's gone, it's like, well, time for 15 years of drugs. I did really... Put that energy and everything somewhere. I did really well in wrestling in high school, and it was a very hard program, and it was taken very seriously in Pennsylvania. But I look back, and the reason that I was is because I would fucking do anything that they wanted to. Of course. You know what I mean? Because I didn't want to let them down, and I wanted to fucking prove that I was worth something and all that stuff. You would have been a perfect cult member of the cult.

Oh, yeah. Perfect, like... Perfect, like... Anyone could have indoctrinated you into anything. You could have been a neo-naut. Like, seriously, the wrong people get a hold of Foley at 17. You're a fucking Nazi right now. The Venturian Kennedy. Oh, dude, you're a Scientologist's dream. If you had moved to L.A., you were getting molested by John Travolta. You know what I mean? All right. Let's go. Yeah, what the fuck? I like Greece. Yeah.

Let's do it. The Scientologists would have fucking had a field day with your pretty little lacrosse ass. Let's go. Maybe moving to North Carolina saved you from being brutally raped by every producer in Hollywood. Maybe. And never getting anything, by the way. Don't think you would have been on camera. I would have needed the trade-off. You think your negotiation skills were up to par? You think you could have outwitted these men? Hey, I'm working craft services, man.

We got to blow seven teamsters. It's all right. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. How many fucking, how many, what was your family? You had a brother? I have one older brother. Okay. Yeah, one older brother. And he was smart. He's smart and very successful. Sharp guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart, sharp guy. So the family must have just, you were like the cute little baby that no one really expected anything of? I think he's still kind of that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they kind of did. It was always like I was the funny, chubby one. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah. Classic. And they were all very supportive and like, oh, he's going to be Bruce Willis. He's going to be a star. Oh, interesting. Oh, so your family is all just as dumb as you. They believed in me, goddammit. You have no idea. No.

And all I did was let them down. Yeah. Until about six months ago. There we go. No, that's awesome, dude. That's fucking hilarious. Now I got Patty dripping in fake diamonds. You don't know, though. Laced your mom up in some cubic zirconium. Oh, man. CZs, baby. A couple of lab mates. Let's go.

Yeah. I love it. Goddamn. That's fucking beautiful. I really thought that would be a four-minute... I asked one question and it's been, you know... But that was beautiful. The Ballad of Foley. The Ballad of Hank Foley. It's a deep, twisted, wild story that, like, I've had...

You know, I mean, we just did an episode fucking yesterday or whatever on the Patreon where we talked just about our upbringings. And I'm like, why are you... Exactly. Is this wildly...

Like passionate, emotional, crazy person. Yeah. And it's just, I'm like, how did you end up like that? And like, we're like polar opposites. And I'm like, I'm like this realist. Like, you know what I mean? And he's just like, he romanticizes everything. I'm going to move down to fucking Wilmington, North Carolina. And that's how you're going to make it. Right. Right. What are you fucking retarded doing when you're not doing that? You know what I mean? Well, people believe, clearly your family believed in you when they should not have.

Or they at least should have steered you in the, they should have taken that belief and made it like, here's what you should do. You'll go to acting class. You'll do this. You'll do that. A little bit of direction. Yeah, a little direction. Whereas it sounds like no one believed in you. What do we do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I want to be a comedian. Like, what are you, Queen? You're like, all right, I guess.

I hid it. Like I was in the closet for two years. Okay. But can we go back to comedy? Uh,

Yeah, no, my family's like just wildly blue collar. It's like Angela's ashes. It's like my mom's one of fucking nine. Irish Catholic. Goddamn. The patriarch of the family was a Philly cop. It's all like my family's cop, firefighter. A lot of oatmeal. Philly cop in the 60s? Yeah, in the 50s. What kind of hate crimes do you think he got into? He just passed. He was a great man, all right?

Sweep that... I wonder what he was doing during the civil rights riots. He was marching hand in hand. Come on, guys. These guys got real good points. Why don't you just listen to what they have to say, guys? Yeah, man.

Philly's a very different spot, so it's like they're all – I go home and I'm like, dude, I'm just like the liberal pussy from New York. Of course, of course. I'll just be like walking – it won't be the family party. I'll be like walking to the bathroom like, yeah, that fucking pussy in New York. I'm like, what the fuck, man? I have to defend all – everybody on the left that's ever done anything. Of course, of course. It's like I'm the spokesman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That, like, dude, like, I'll get made fun of if I drink Starbucks because we're like a hardcore Dunkin'. Right, right, right. Like, you fucking fairy. You're out there drinking your mocha latte. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a black coffee, dude. I don't know what you want from me. That's awesome. Yeah. Probably eating Swiss cheese over here. So, okay, that makes a lot of sense because your narrative is the, like, the one who, like, escaped type of thing.

type of shit. Sure. The one that was a little different. You know, you are the artsy one in the family. Oh, yeah, because I talk about my dick. I'm like, I'm the thespian. That's art. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, before that, I was working, you know, for my family as a construction company. And I was doing that and it was like fucking...

You know, I was... Dude, if I think, like, I would be 450 pounds. I was eating a Wawa four times a day, drinking every fucking night. It's all right. And, like, oh, it's great, dude. Eating, dude, just eating in my car, just, like, you know, shoving fucking...

I know about that. Breakfast sandwiches down. You don't got to tell me. When I was a fucking... When I was a paralegal, there was a Dunkin' Donuts right next to my... Right next to my, you know, shitty job. And it was like, you hit that... You just scarf those little fucked up tater tots down. Dude, they're awesome. You get two... It's like, you can tell it's out of control when it's like, oh, well...

They only have five. Why don't I get two? I'll share. I'll split them with... Oh, I'll get some for my friend. Or you know what I mean? And it's like... And then by the end of it, it's like you're ordering two sandwiches. And dude, I would do this move where it's like, well, I'm not eating the bread off the second one. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, it's not enough egg. It's one egg. I know. You know? And then you start with... You just get an egg. And then it's like, well, I'll get a little sausage. And then you just have this monstrosity. And then you're just eating three sandwiches and two... Wow, you would do that? That's a sweet move. That's a good move. See, I like the bread. But I remember crossing that line. Yeah.

When I stepped over that line, I think McDonald's was the first one. It's like, wait, I can get a meal and a couple other burgers. You know what I mean? Like it's not just one for one. No one's checking the bag. Yeah.

That's the go-to. Absolutely, bro. If I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts, I'm getting two breakfast sandwiches and two bags of fucking... No, I would... That was the thing. I would convince myself that I'm just making one heartier sandwich. But once you cross the two-sandwich-ordered Rubicon, it's over. You're in the matrix, baby. But a lot more people do that than you would think. Yeah.

It's crazy. No, they don't. They don't, dude. Most people I talk to don't just get one meal. Overeaters Anonymous. You think that's a selection issue, Foley? You think that's the people you talk to is the issue? You don't have a pure cross-section of the American society. It was a blind study. Most of the other guys at the big and tall store. So let me get this straight.

You tell me you also ordered at least two sandwiches. I'll take a 5X, please. Dude, I remember for me, I was saying I was working as a paralegal in Philly after I'd stopped working for my family's construction, which ended in like a fist fight. And I'm like, I got to get out of here. Yeah.

But I was eating one of those carts, like those breakfast carts in the street. Shout out to them. It was when they used to start making lunch early for the construction workers because the construction workers would take their lunch break at 9 o'clock or whatever. So I realized I could get – dude, I was eating a footlong of sausage and peppers for breakfast. Yeah.

I ordered a sausage and peppers and a coffee with extra sugar, extra cream. Incredible. And I just remember eating that and being like, this is a problem. This is not good. The not breakfast breakfast is all right. Because I went in, I shared an office. It was like a tight office with this Russian lady. And she's like, what smells? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was funny. I smelled like a food truck. Oh, dude. That is a fucking wild move. Who's drinking hot dogs?

It was bad, dude. At 9 a.m. You want a food cart guy in Baltimore? Not really. Because in Philly, because it's so much more of like a walking around city...

The food carts are everywhere. Yeah, they're everywhere. No, we didn't have... We didn't really... I mean, a little bit downtown, but I didn't really... You know, I never worked downtown. And they used to be rock solid up here. When I lived up here the first time, the fucking hot dog carts were... I mean, you can't even describe it how much better they were. Now it all sucks. You think it might be something about you miss your cocaine youth?

you think the hot dogs are that much worse now or do you think maybe 100% he also does this thing where he romanticizes a time of course a period where like that's the best thing ever yeah yeah he thinks growing up in the 80s was the greatest thing ever I go I'm not saying it's bad but like you also that's all you know I mean the food in New York is slipping we can all agree on that sure sure all the good diners either closed down the diners are dog shit here

They used to be good. When I moved here, they were solid. They were good when we first... You've been here, what, 10 years or so? I'd say years. I mean, but I will say when I first moved here, it was already the beginning of the... The down. Yeah, yeah. Where I was like, I would just go to a random one being like, New York Diner, and I was like, this sucks. This kind of sucks, yeah. There was only a couple good ones, and you know... They saw what happened, and somebody told me they started jacking up the rent, so they had to start using...

Cheaper shit. Cheaper shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it costs more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's shitty. It's a bummer. Yeah, because the good, now the best diners, it's like, it's not in New York City, it's like Long Island. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the surrounding. There's a couple like deep in Queens that are probably really good, like that Jackson Hole and stuff like that. Jackson Hole's not bad, yep. And in Astoria, we don't, I mean, they're not, they're not really good. You know what used to be good but it closed down as the Mini Star.

Penny Star was not that good. You didn't think so? No. I love that place. I'm sorry, man. It was mid. Yeah? I went there hoping, like, oh, this is good, the diner in the neighborhood. Dog shit. Really? Yeah, it's tough. All right, well, thanks for having me. Well, they've been reopening for God knows how long. I feel like it's some kind of mob front or something. You always see the ones in Manhattan always go from, it's a diner, right? This is the progression of them closing. It's a diner, and then they go, fuck diners.

We can't be a diner. We have to sell better. Like, we have to get better. Take out a loan, redo the joint. So they redo it. They make it a little sleek. They limit the menu a little bit. And then a year later, they're out. The seats are not comfortable. Yeah, they're out of business. They get weird fucked up seats. Give me the fucked up booth. Yeah. Give me that shitty coffee. Yeah. Give me some fucking eggs. Let me post up. Yeah. Have a trash, trash a bunch of other comics. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That's what I do miss the most is the trash. Trash after, after a nice spot. Late night burger sessions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One of the worst parts of success is being like, hey, good for that guy. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck. You're not emotionally invested anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you thought it was either you or another guy and he got to you. That cocksucker got Conan. He sucks. You know? Yeah.

And meanwhile, he still has to work his temp job. Conan, no late night ever does anything. He made $80,000 and got 40 Twitter followers. I'll make with the gravy fries. Let's go. What was before? Elders, how are we doing on time? Are we almost ready for the... We're at 45 right now. Okay, we like to go into the questions. But I do want to... Before we do that, I do want to ask you what the fist fight was about and who you fought at the family construction company.

If you want to get into it. Sure. It was my brother. Okay. Dude, we were like real dirtbag Philly Irish trash. Yeah. You know, I grew up in a... Violence is like fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like looking back, I realize how bad that is. Of course, of course. But like we would get in fights and then like we would like talk to our... Yeah. Like at Thanksgiving, we'd be like, tell the water when you beat the guy up at the golf club or whatever. You know what I mean? Right, right, right.

It was a bad kind of shit. So it was like celebrating. Right, because if it was fun, then it's like the fact that, you know, your grandfather would beat everyone is also funny. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. So it was just very like, I mean, same thing like with his, our brothers are, like we're the same fuck up idiots. And our brothers are the responsible go-getters. And it was just like, you know, I was working hard.

and partying with my brother all the time. So, like, we'd work all day, and then we'd go out drinking. We had the same circle of friends, and it was just like...

you know, business wasn't great at the time, which just like, you know, stresses the fucking thing. And we were just out at a bar and it was kind of like a fuck you. Like, I think we were beefing at work that day. And then that rolled over into like happy hour. You were hanging drywall poorly. Uh, what was going on? I think it was money. Money was super tight or whatever. And it was just like a fuck you. Fuck you. Obama took some of the blame. Yeah.

So, yeah, it was just like we were at the Irish pub on like Walnut Street or whatever. And it was just like, it was in the hallway. And I was like, that's it. I'm fucking, I quit or whatever. And that wasn't the last one. There's a couple more. Of course. Sure. Irish pub. A couple of dust-ups after that as well. But it's all good. It was just like, but like my whole family doesn't talk because of business. Right, right. So like I don't talk to my dad. I haven't talked to my dad in like eight, ten years, something like that. Because of the business. Yeah.

Yeah, just the... Well, I mean, it's not that. That's how they are. Of course, yeah. That's the vehicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's everything else. Who you are fundamentally as people. Sure. And the abusive. Sure. And the drinking and the fist fights. Yeah, I think I would say... That'll do it. You know, we're in a relationship. Dysfunction isn't good. No. So, my mom was like, listen, you guys can work together, but it's not ruining the family. Right, right, right. So, me and my brother, we were responsible enough to be like, hey...

If it gets there, it should have been like, it's going to get there in 18 months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got there and I walked away. It was more his thing anyway. Sure. I left and then I came to New York. You were a paralegal for a while? I left his job. I got a paralegal job in Philly.

and then I walked in. I had that moment where I walked into my boss's office. I was like, Hey man, I'm moving to New York. I'd come up here and done one produce show with Tom Cassidy that the whole audience was my three friends. And I was like, that's it baby. I got the bug. I'm coming back.

Hilarious. And I walked in. I marched in. I'm like, I quit. I'm moving to New York. He's like, do you have a job? I go, no. He goes, we have a New York office. Oh, wow. So he transferred me up to the New York office. So I got on my feet. I mean, they paid. It was like $11. Hilarious. Yeah. I was so poor. I remember I was working at a paint store. Here? In Baltimore. But it was a Sherwin-Williams. And they had like a transfer. They could transfer you. But it's like, you know, I was making...

I made it. I was supposed to make $10 an hour. I made $11 an hour because somebody just didn't fill the form out. And I was like, I put 11 and no one checked it. It's a fucking pain store. So I was like, sick. I made $11 an hour in Baltimore. I'm moving to, I'm moving. I was a horrible employee and I'm, I moved here and I went to my first day and they're like, all right, just start putting some pain away. I was like, all right, fuck it, whatever.

And then they're like, oh, by the way, like, and in my mind, it's like there's a cost of living adjustment. Sure. This is before when I moved here. Yeah.

minimum wage was not $15 an hour than it is now. And so the Sherwin Williams wanted me to work there for $10, a dollar an hour less than I did in Baltimore where my rent was $200 a month. You know, and I was like, all right, well. Now it's like $750 or something. Yeah, I'm like, did they give you money to relocate and stuff like that? No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had an apron for $300. Yeah, they put me in corporate housing for six months.

That was the child care.

But yeah, anyway, that's, you know, well, that's, we've only scratched the surface thanks to Foley's hysterical, hysterical one-man show. No, no, no, I love it. I love it. That's great. That's great. We'll get more, next time we'll get more into Kevin's neuroses, but we have... I'm completely normal and well-adjusted. I don't know what you're talking about. You guys are like, I'm chilling over here. That's what looking in your eyes tells me. I'll fucking hit you right now, Tom.

He's sitting on a tack as we speak. So now we're going to... Now we'll apply our expertise to... We have some listeners they've called in. They've left some voicemails for us. And we will try and solve their problems. I do. I want to say I do feel like I'm a pretty...

Thoughtful, emotional, emotionally enlightened person. I think we've got a lot. I've learned a lot from where I was. Did we solve anything here? You didn't give me anything. I was like my last therapist. You just sat there and listened to me run my mouth. Well, you're off to crack. Well, that's the, you know, our time is up. I'm sorry, Henry. That was your session. Now we have to do a session with the callers. Come back next time and I'll solve you. Stavi cash only. That's right.

Yeah, you pay to do this podcast. It's not even... We don't even pay our guests. I'm actually technically a licensed therapist. I am a minister. Me too. Universal Life Church of America. Me too, my brother. There you go. You've never married anyone fully? I would assume somebody would ask you. No. You would have been a good, like... That's another thing. He would have made it all about... He'd do a song. I would have told the same story I just told. Yeah.

Anybody got any crack on them? When's the last time you smoked crack? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You still, you don't do coke anymore, do you? No, not in years. Good, good. You can't be this fat and do coke. When I turned 30, I was like, it's either be fat or... Yeah, you gotta... 30, cocaine is either be fat or be under 30. You can't do both. You can't be fat and over 30 and do cocaine. You're asking for it. Yeah, yeah. You're asking for it. Um...

Anyway, all right. What do we got, Eldis? Play us some fucking calls here, buddy. Yeah, we'll start with a nice, pretty straightforward one. Let's do it. See, put a notepad over it so we can't read it. Don't be surprised. My name is... Make a smaller window. I'm in a little bit of a rut. I don't get a whole lot of pussy. And I was just wondering, you know...

If it's morally permissible to get pussy from an 18-year-old when you're 27, thank you. Bye-bye. Next caller. If it's morally permissible, I mean, because you asked, no. The way you asked. You don't think it's true. You don't think it's morally. Listen, I have a bad stance on this. Hit me with it.

The rules are made for a reason. For a reason. Right, right, right. Listen, I'm married. My wife and I are both 36 years old. Right. But it's also like...

People are like, oh, she just turned 18 and they started dating or whatever. It's like, well, you drink on your 21st birthday. You know what I mean? You don't blame the bartender for giving you a drink the first night you're allowed to drink. You know what I mean? And I'm not saying that's right, but I'm saying, well, then change the number or something. I don't have enough information, but if that's the number society has deemed is the number, then why then apply our own number to it?

I'm with you there. And look, I think ultimately the answer... Yeah, I see what you're saying. And it's like, at a certain point, people can make their own decisions. And it's like, look, sometimes young people want to fuck older people. And it's like, they just have to make their own decisions. And as long as everyone's consented... Now, what's worrying me here is...

This man hasn't gotten a lot of pussy. 18. True, good point. Are we talking, is this a grooming situation? Well, that's also, I guess. Is this a counting down until someone's 18? That's way different. I guess I'm thinking in my head of like. Did you meet someone at a park, hit it off? That's what I'm thinking. Oh, how old are you? You're 18, you're 27, whatever, whatever. Yeah. But if you're like kind of. I saw her hanging out at the jungle gym. Yeah.

If you're lingering around, that's bad. You don't want to linger. Yeah, we don't want to linger. Is there a trail of Skittles involved anywhere? Because this, to me, feels like this is some guy who's too on the internet. He's been following some girl. Walking to somebody or something. That's no good. No, don't do that. You know the answer to this question. Yes, that's why you asked. We don't know what your situation is.

Do you feel this is weird? Do you feel this is wrong? And if so, take some steps to get some pussy that doesn't make you feel like you might be committing a crime. You know what I mean? Sure. It's like you got to... He didn't give us any other details, right? At least he just said he doesn't get a lot of pussy. It's also like, listen, this is somebody with a few more years on you. Not that I'm old and wise, but when you're not getting pussy for periods in your 20s, you know what I mean? If you're going through a rut, it's like you think...

It's like, zoom out a little bit. There's a bunch of chicks that will fuck you. They're not great. They're not fantastic. But also, from what I'm picking up, you're not great. You're not fantastic. But there are chicks out there that will fuck you. You don't need to fuck 18-year-olds. Absolutely. Absolutely. Flip-flop. Don't fuck an 18-year-old. Find a...

19 year old. Then this man's case because of his voice mostly. It was a little creepy. I'm going to say no. And the fact he's calling into your show is a tough one. If I'm your moral compass don't fuck someone that young and impressionable. It did sound like he was whispering into the phone. There might have been a washcloth over the phone as he was talking. Yeah, take some steps buddy and yeah don't

Because you don't get a lot of pussy, I need you, the next time you have sex, it needs to be somebody that you don't ask whether this is morally acceptable or not. You want an enthusiastic answer to that question being, of course. Why would you even ask that? You don't need a court. I would say, too, which I've been in this situation as well. Yikes. No, not in that situation, but of going through a drought or whatever. And it starts to fuck with your self-esteem. You can't get hard.

And you know what I mean? You start to feel like you're a loser and stuff like that. You know, just from experience, don't look at it like that, man. If right now you're not putting up numbers, don't let it fucking get you down because that's the more desperate you get and the more you beat yourself up. Don't worry about it. Yeah. You know what I mean? If Foley can come back from what he's been through, no one... You're fine, buddy. It's great that you're here.

Henry, because there is no one who has dealt with the kind of adversity that you have described in terms of, I mean, most of it is self-inflicted, but still, you still dealt with it and you still came out the other side. So if it's possible for our boy Foley, it's possible for you. Yeah, the sun will shine again, my friend. Don't beat yourself up. Hit me with another one, Elders. This is great. I love this.

Hey, Sav. I'm like, you know, in my early 20s, just out of college, living in a new city with a new job now.

And I went on a date with this girl a week ago, and it almost felt like love at first sight. Like, it was such an amazing date. But she basically is, like, a really bad texter, doesn't really ever respond to my texts at all. Oh, brother. And we had this, like, second date, this picnic kind of planned for a week in advance, and then she just, like, flaked, like, last minute. And she said, like, her friend wanted to go to church with her or some shit, like some pretty...

Poor guy. Just laughing? Oh, brother. Yeah.

Come on, buddy.

How much more of this is the world? But yeah, thanks. Love the show. I love you, pal. But I have some very bad news. It might, and I say might not be love at first sight.

It might not. And this is tough because, you know, there's a very different tenor from this call than the first guy, right? This guy is a guy who seems well-adjusted. Self-aware. Self-aware. But I empathize or whatever, sympathize with whatever the one is, sympathize with this guy because...

I, too, am, like, hopeless. Of course. I would go out on Tinder dates or dates with chicks and be like, this is the... And, like, you do get swept up in that moment, and you stop looking at certain signs and... Absolutely. And, oh, she's weird with texting. Girls aren't weird with texting. That is... No one is that weird with texting. That is for sure a level of interest. Yes. Which sucks, but... And, yes, you...

possibly had not possibly you had a stronger reaction she might have had a good time and she might have also had a strong reaction at first because like she was also swept up or whatever that's a good point down a little bit was like that's not for me and you know what that's a really good point because I think what you're describing like how you you kind of hopeless romantic I would have a very I have reacted like this girl where I have been on great dates and it almost scares me and I'm like I'm

I can't do this. Just farm it a little bit. I immediately start feeling, I have commitment issues, all that kind of shit. And look, we don't know what it is. Does she have commitment issues? Is she going through something? Is she coming out of something? Right. Or much more plausibly, did she go and get dicked down maybe a day or two after? If we're all going to be real about this. I'm not going to go on this picnic with this pussy. I'm getting pipes.

Now, either way, buddy, it ain't looking good for you. And that's okay. I empathize with you, though, buddy. This sucks dick. I've been there. That's a real tough one. But it's also a lesson. This kid, he said he just moved to a new town, just out of college. These are the life lessons you're getting. You're getting kicked in the teeth by life. Life is pain. It's not good.

And you will find, you know, you'll learn this, you'll figure it out. You got to get let down. And you seem like a nice, you know, like you were saying, like a hopeless, romantic, acute kid. You made this connection. You're not wanting for interest.

women are interested in you, you'll find someone who is a better texter, who deserves this picnic. Yeah. You don't want this bitch getting... This bitch doesn't deserve your prosciutto and fucking melon on a nice meadow. No. She doesn't get that. No. Somebody who is an enthusiastic texter, you're a cute kid, you know what's going on, this ain't it for you, buddy. I'm sorry. Get through this. Don't beat yourself up. You'll be fine. Yeah, these are the situations that...

that, you know, I take to heart because, you know, when you get older and you look back on it and you think like, oh, you know, she's the one and you get so caught up in it and you think that it's never going to go away. But anybody that you break that has broken my heart three years later, you're like, what the fuck do I, how was I in that? You know what I mean? And like, just take a step back from it and,

I hate to see, and I know it does because that's the natural course of life. I want to protect them. Don't let this fucking destroy you. Because I went through a breakup, like I said, five years. I let it destroy me. Don't freebase cocaine. Yeah, that was the wrong answer.

What are your thoughts on North Carolina? You know, an 18-year-old. They're doing the Dawson's Creek reboot down there. Dawson's the history teacher now. But also, too, you just got to a new city. If you get locked into a relationship now, think of all the experiences that you're missing out. Yeah. Fucking explore, explore everything for a little while. Take a little bit to explore. But I'm also big in, like, you know...

kind of let it affect you a little bit. Like, you have to experience this. So the next time you go like, oh shit, this is just the same thing that I went through with fucking Alice or whatever. Treat the next girl like shit. Take it out on these whores. The important thing is one fucking hurt you, take it out on five. We need numbers, baby.

But yeah, no. And also, if you're getting, if you know, you said you're getting, you're getting some puss puss, just fucking roll with that then. Roll with that. Go. Absolutely. And it'll make that one less enticing. Yes. Let it go. 100%. This is great. Let it go. It's fun, right? This is really fun. Yeah, yeah. Hit us with another one, Eldo.

Hey, stop. First, it's concerning that I've had to dial a Florida area code. Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. But second, you know, I've been having a lot of trouble in the dating scene for a while now. And all of a sudden, I have two girls that I'm balancing. Uh-oh. I like one more than the other one, but the other one's way hotter than the other one. How should I approach this situation delicately? How should I proceed? And what should I consider going forward? Thanks.

Man, such dirtbag logic. I love it. Listen, I'm in love with this one, but this one's a fine piece of A. This is a horny autistic man. I don't know if you guys... He's like... It sounds like AI. That's what it sounds like. Well, I've never gotten... I think that was Vision from Marvel. It is. He's literally... And you can tell he... Yeah, he's just got... He's got that like weighing the pros and cons of each. And now look, have we all... We've... Yeah, everybody's been there, man. We've been there. Sure. Um...

How much hotter? Gonna need a couple of pics on this. I also think it depends on your age, too. Did he say how old? I don't think he said how old he was. But it's, you know, early 20s? Tendiline hot. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? What are you looking for? Well, this is another beautiful thing because this might honestly be this three-week stretch that this guy has before it falls apart is gonna be the best moment of his life. Sure. He doesn't fuck a lot.

He got, you know, he is, he's, what you are right now, my friend, you're Icarus. You are flying much too close to the sun. You are going, my guess, you're going to lose both. If I had to guess. Sure, but it's also like we don't know what situation, like, they, you know.

Maybe just take it another couple of weeks. You don't have to make a decision unless one of them is going like, hey, is this exclusive or whatever? You know what I mean? Bang the hot chick as long as you can. That's what I'm saying. I was trying to say that politely. And then put it in the spank bag for the rest of your life. Revisit that in the shower. Nobody lives on the moon, baby. You just miss it.

That is certainly one way to proceed here. See how much slack the girl you actually like gives you and then when you feel like she really wants to get in a relationship, it's like, all right. Then clamp it down. Clamp it down. And by the way, the hot girl might be done with you, done with him. Sure. It might solve itself. Yeah, hot girls don't linger around very long. Yeah, especially, and also, I mean, I'd really like to see a picture of these girls because this guy doesn't fuck. We might even be dealing with. We might be dealing with. She might look like Foley. Yeah.

Two Detroit threes. Fuck, what the fuck? But that's good, man. You also have to follow, you know, it depends on your age and shit like that, but like follow the one in your heart that you genuinely have better feelings for. But at the same time, extend the hot chick. Sure. You got to have some fun, you know what I mean? I also think a key thing that has not been mentioned, attractiveness does not also, it doesn't,

Almost never, in fact, does it equal sexual prowess. True. Like, who's got better pussy? That's huge. Who do you have a stronger sexual connection with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not always the most attractive person. But that comes with age, I think. You get older, you realize that and appreciate that. Yeah, it's a young thing of like, I get the hot, the this, the that. It's like, it's all, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it's who are you busting quickly with? For me, that's everybody. Yeah.

Shout out to my wife. In and out, baby. All right, let's get another one going, my friends. What's up, Stavi, baby? How's it going, man? This guy fucks. Anyway, this is B-Money. We'll see you. Here, a Baltimore resident. Oh, Baltimore boy. Asking for your advice. And my neighbor, his name is Jack.

Fuck them and call it a day. Yeah.

Okay, so he's got a loud, annoying neighbor. Was there anything else at the end? I'll just go back. Let's just look at it real fast. It wakes me up. What can I do about it? How can I shut this motherfucker up? Let me know. I mean, you're in fucking Baltimore. You're calling into an advice show instead of talking to him directly. That's a bad sign already. It's a bad sign. Listen, I'm crazy.

on paper, certifiably lose my shit. Yeah. And I would approach this, I would let it bother me to the point where I'm fucking furious and he has no idea. Right. And then it opens up with, shut the fuck up, you fucking every fucking, like, just go, hey man, the best way is just to come, hey man,

You're loud in the morning. Can you do that inside? It's been waking me up. I work late. Exactly. Whatever, whatever. Sleep's an issue for me. Let's go. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, and you got to approach them friendly too, right? Because you also have to remember this is your neighbor, right?

Right? Yeah. Somebody you have, you are stuck with, you know, this guy, he's up at 7 a.m., he's smoking, buy him a carton of these cigarettes. Buy him a pack of cigarettes. You know what I mean? Like, go out, see, you know, or do you bake? Give him a fucking, sometimes I'll give my neighbors a cookie. You know what I mean? Put some rat poison in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut him the fuck up. Yeah, well.

Yeah, go hat in hand a little bit. Just be like, hey man, I'm coming to you as a friend type thing. Do you ever have... Do you have any kind of relationship with this guy outside of him waking you up? And if not, you gotta fucking have a little something. But yeah, you gotta just talk to him. It's very simple. Which is, I'm gonna guess not... Confrontation doesn't feel like your forte be money. But it's also like...

This doesn't have to be confrontational at the same time. True, true, true. Because I struggle with that in my head. I'm like, well, if I go, because I do come from a family where it's like, you're going to get punched in the head at some point. So I'm like, every interaction I have with somebody could end in a fight. If this were you, you wouldn't say anything for six months, and then you would throw boiling oil at me.

Here's some cookies. Here's a Bundt cake. It's completely normal and rational and not insane or confrontational. Just be like, hey, man. Even lie. Be like, dude, I'm working nights. I don't get intel, too. You waking me up at 7 is fucking killing me. Whatever, whatever. And then if he then is a cunt about it, now we go into revenge mode.

mode. I got some ideas. Now we figure out what to do. I would also say to the way to approach it, which we don't know the big variable is, and this is very primal, but could you kick this guy's ass? If it's somebody that you could easily, you know, that you could kick the shit out of the guy going a little more assertively. If it's somebody that would beat your ass, you're in a little bit more of a pickle.

If you can take him, hit him with a, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking dethrone him a little bit. That's true. Listen, man, you got to knock it off with the fucking yelling and stuff like that. I got a lot going on in my life. Please keep it down. But usually those situations, they never get better. It's just a fucking nightmare. It gets worse. But even that is not the way you want to start. I think you got to, that's a second. Yeah. That's a second approach. No, but I'm saying that determines the course of action. Right, right, right. If you know you can kick the shit out of the guy. Sure.

Well, no. See, but no. Because then, you know, that's on the if he's being an asshole about it. I think the first one, you like to pretend. And none of us are like, I think all of us

expect nothing from anyone and expect only bad things from our fellow man. 100%. Thinking four miles down the road, life's just going to end with a bottle of oil. But the first time you approach him, approach him as if the world is a fair, nice place.

Yeah. And you're just asking, hey, simple favor. Simple favor. And then even if you're not built like that, pretend you are. And then if he's a dick, then you can go into, then that's your second approach. Can I kick his ass? I'm like, buddy, we already talked about this. I'd really appreciate it. Third time, maybe you kick his ass. Yeah. That's the rational decision. You can go with these two well-wishers over here. Or you can start throwing bricks through windows. Yeah.

I'm coming aggressively. What race is he? What kind of... I need some background info on this guy. What kind of ammo do you got? What kind of slurs could you hurl at him? That's the real Philly solution to this problem. All right. Okay. What do we got? Anything good here, Elders? Take your time. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Motherfucker. The next one's from him. My name is Zach from Jacksonville, Florida. And I was wondering what your advice would be on how to eat pussy better. Like, in your experience, like, I know I feel like I do a pretty good job, but I feel like I could do a little bit better.

This kid's all right. Goddamn go-getter. I'd like to know your tips and tricks on eating pussy. Thank you, Tom. Thanks, buddy. You know what? Earmark this when we have... We'll answer it, but also earmark it when we have a female guest in here. I would love... Oh, that's really good. I would love the perspective of the opposite sex. There you go. Instead of what... He's essentially going to get the three... Instead of three idiots. The same answer three times probably from all of us with bad penises who, if I had to guess, have had to learn how to eat pussy to survive. I'm pretty 100%. Yeah.

100%. Shout out to the tongue game. Yeah, dude. Dudes with little dicks know how to fucking eat pussy the best. Let alone a dick that hasn't gotten hard due to drugs. 100%. And honestly, I do have like an oral fixation. That was always my move. I'm a giver.

Wow. So I'd want to fucking like... You want the positive affirmation. Yeah, I want to eat her butt and eat her out and stuff like that. Yeah. Dude, I remember being 12. I was down the Jersey Shore. Oh, boy. No, no, no, no, no. I was down the Jersey Shore and my cousin was like... Steal his munching box at 12. One of my older cousins... Start calling you sir. He was like 25 or something. That would earn your respect, huh, Foley? Absolutely. Whoa, he was molested. Yeah.

And he was like, somebody was like, we were making fun of him or somebody. And one of my other, he was like 25 or whatever. And I was, he was the oldest one there. And everybody was like 16. And then I was like 12 or whatever. And someone's like, ah, you got a little dick or whatever. He goes, yeah. So what? He goes, I eat box like a pro or something like that. And my mind exploded. I was like, oh, things are going to be all right. Representation matters. Wow.

There is a plan B here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. That was your cousin's like a little black girl watching the new Little Mermaid. Yeah. That was you. That was you hearing about it. That was my moment of enlightenment. It was the first time he felt seen. I'll take another bagel, please.

My pubes grow long. Well, okay. Do you guys want to divulge any of your secret pussy eating techniques? I don't have anything crazy. I think each one's different, right? You got to really like it. Each one, I think, is a little different. They all like their, you know, all different guitars or whatever. Sure, sure, sure. But you got to see what they like. It's like a call and response type thing. You know, if you're playing down low and that's not...

thing they're into. You gotta go up high, check the middle, go around the back, whatever, you know. Find out what they're responding to. Yeah, and I would say the place to start on this would be the next time you do it, do it to completion. Okay. Pitch a whole game. That's not a great, I mean, of course, right? Pitch a whole game. It's like, you're like, hey, the next time, oh, you're a bad eating pussy? What I would suggest, be good at it. Ha ha ha!

Just do it, dude. Well, it starts and ends with a clitoris. Of course. You got to work that like a punch bag. Professor Foley, here we go. That's where you got to go. Yeah, I agree. That's where you start. Yeah. You don't want to get anything too advanced. Just get there. Get a nice rhythm going.

Fundamentals. The fundamentals. If you can really swing it and work the clit while you're finger popping, now we're talking. That's pretty good. Okay? But yes, start with...

It would be funny, Ellis, if you just beep this entire segment. We're just like, once we get into specifics. Now, but yes, call and respond is key. Don't be afraid to communicate. It's weird. Especially when I was younger, I would, I was just like so nervous to fuck. Once it happened, I was like, I was still in don't fuck this up mode. Sure. So it's like, I would be like hooking up with her. Like a girl would have my dick in her mouth and I'd be like, I wonder if she likes me. You know what I mean? Like that's how it's a girl. She's probably just doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not.

She's just being polite. Right, right, right. But, but buddy, you're in there. You are already eating her pussy. It's all good. Lower your shoulders a little bit. Don't be scared to be like, yeah, what do you like? Have a conversation. Yeah, 100%. That's a-okay. I, in fact, I would say women are surprised and, uh,

Most are happy to have that conversation. Sometimes you might step in it and some girls just really want to be treated like dirt while you fuck them. But I think for the most part, especially with you, you're a nice guy. No one's expecting that kind of behavior from you. You're clearly a pussy. So just ask. Ask a question and get in there. And it's all about enthusiasm and, to Foley's point,

Either make her bust or she might be like, all right, this is enough. This was great. I'm not going to come. Either way, you either have to bust or be taken off the field. Yeah. But you don't quit. Yeah.

And also remember too, that sometimes that's just not their bag. Some girls like vaginal orgasms and some girls like to, you know, the, the, the clitoris orgasm. Right. And if she doesn't like getting her pussy eaten, get out of there. You're never going to make her come. Your, your awful penis isn't doing it, pal. You got to go. I feel like Dr. Ruth. I like this. She lives on my block. Really? Yeah. Wow. Pretty cool. You,

You think she gives a good head? Probably. Yeah, what? I don't know. She wrote the book on it. You know what I mean? I don't know. Sometimes. Us giving sex advice. We've had to learn more than anybody, I feel. Of course. What you want to do is put on about 200 pounds. That's the first thing you want to do. You want to get so fat, dick pills don't even do anything anymore. Put you to sleep.

All right. How are we doing on time? We got to get these boys out of here. They got another fucking podcast to do. We're at 117 right now. Oh, look at us. All right. Let's do another question here. Sure, buddy. That's great, buddy. Whatever you need. This is fucking awesome. Yeah. I feel so important. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming, guys. This is super fun. There's a 215. That's Philly. All right. Let's get... Unless you have a police hand or whatever. Here we go. Let's end with Philly. There we go. Stobby boy. I got a question for you. I've been with my girl for a long time.

And when we first met, not that I was the hardest motherfucker, but I had my shit in line. And being with her for a long time, I've gotten to my sensitive side. And I feel like she thinks I'm a bitch. How do I... Shout out to Philly. You hear the vitriol on the word bitch? I can be vulnerable, but I can also be the man that I am. Let me know what you think, Stav. You're the dog.

Yeah, this is an insanely Philly question. She saw me smile at our son. Now I can't get hard. It's not the army, it's an Eagles game. An emotional mind's a weak mind. She caught me listening to Harry Styles. She won't look at me.

I danced at a wedding. Now she won't blow me. Yeah, you gotta... Dude, it sounds like you're older, you've been with her, you know, you're at least... It's not like... I don't think you're 22 or 23, but that shit matters. Pull it up. Pull it up so we can just see the details with my girl for a long time. Long time. So, like, I doubt you're 22 or whatever, you know? Here's a couple things with this. A...

This is all in his head. That's number one, right? Yeah. We haven't... He is projecting all this onto his girl. Also, I do know a lot of chicks in Philly who are like... Oh, that's interesting. Like, he knocked Tony out last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they get all... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He ain't said the N-word in years. You used to be different, Tony. You used to say it in public. Yeah.

That's... Okay, so... I just know there is a cut of cloth of chick that's like that. I appreciate that. You can give us... You guys can give us the Philly perspective. I'll just... I'm reading it as this is a lot of projection...

onto his girl. 100%. In the off chance you're not with Philly Trash, who does feel like that. Because you haven't said, none of this is about your girl's behavior towards you. It's all the way you perceive... Very good point. You feel you're being too sexy. Yeah, how do I make her see the balance that I can be vulnerable but can also be the man that I am? Because she's like...

But I have my shit in line and being with her for a long time, I've gotten to my sensitive side and I feel like she thinks I'm a bitch.

she might think he was the best guy of all time. Also, I think you think, like you said, you think that there's no sentence of like, she rolled her eyes when I cried at the movie. Right, right, right. Unless you have a fact that she has turned on you a little bit. What's your evidence here? Where are we getting this from? Other than what you think. Sure. So that's number one. Look for that. Is there real evidence or is this all in your head? Are you like...

Are you, in some level, disappointing yourself for being a bitch because you're in love with a woman and you don't get in bar fights anymore? You know what I mean? You shouldn't be. You shouldn't be. Yeah. And this is all good shit. It's good to be vulnerable. The natural progression of growth is to become more vulnerable. It gives you more perspective. It makes you a better person. It makes you a better man. All that shit. And were you even ever really hard?

You know what I mean? That's the other thing. It's like you look back through rose-colored glasses and being a big tough guy. You probably were all fucking bitches at that point. But you were a bitch with no love in your life. Yeah, I got love. Now you're a bitch in love. And that's a beautiful thing. That is. That is the most beautiful thing. I want to be a bitch in love. That's what we're all looking for. So that's my number. That's my first takeaway here. It's like, is this real? Is this all in your head?

And if it's all in your head, then I think just keep going where you're going. Worry about this relationship. Your life is different now than it was when being tough was currency, right? When you're a fucking 20-year-old shithead and all your friends, you know, want to be fucking badass, those are dumb, hollow, empty lives that you can't live. Now, the currency is not that. The currency is connection, vulnerability. Now, some... For example, one of our last calls, one of your neighbors...

you know, is waking you up, you probably don't have a problem going up to him and being like, hey, buddy, knock it off. Shut the fuck up, yeah. But... So you don't want to be a... You know, you don't want to be a pushover in certain ways. No. But other than that, other than, like, the basic...

you know, keeping your boundaries and your people from overstepping on you or your girl, your family, or whatever, there's no reason to be hard. There's no reason to be tough. You don't fucking live in Somalia. You're not trying to survive a war zone. You live in fucking South Philly. You'll be okay. It's getting gentrified now. You're fine, dude. I would say going on the assumption that this is in his head, since it, you know, it's a him thing and not really coming from her, just do a couple of things...

That make you feel like you are keeping your edge. And that doesn't mean take a pipe to the fucking mailman.

Hey, did you fucking look at my girl, bro? Just put yourself in situations to make you feel like you are keeping... I think you gotta ignore Foley on this one. You know what I'm saying? Don't put yourself in situations, but let's just say if you going to the gym makes you feel more... That's what I'm talking about. Put yourself in situations. Do stuff. Don't eyeball a crackhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or one night when you guys are about to do it, really take control and fucking really give it to him. Okay, all right. All right.

Wait, why isn't that good advice? Sometimes you gotta take it, man. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Assault your girlfriend. No, I don't mean it like that. I don't mean it like that. You mean give her a nice old-fashioned style dicking. Yeah, you know what I mean? Surprise her one night and give her an old-fucking fashion banging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is great because now you're projecting. Instead of giving her the usual limp dick, barely fuck her. Oh, I haven't hit it right in years. Yeah.

Let's be clear about that.

I'm talking out of my ass here. Maybe, you know, you come over and fuck me. Take care of business for me. I'll go talk to the neighbor. We'll do a little round robin thing. It takes a village, boys. You gotta stick together. Yeah, we'll get that kid who's learning how to eat pussy. It'll be like an intern. It'll be like your intern. He'll eat my wife's pussy while you fuck her. Stop, he calls dibs on the 18-year-old. I don't know.

I'll go handle this. I'll talk to her. You boys deal with the nosy neighbor. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so there you go, buddy. Yeah. And I think that's all the questions we have for this episode. We're going to come to an end here, boys. Thank you so much for coming out. What a fun time, buddy. Congratulations and thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Go listen to Are You Garbage? What else you guys got to plug? Anything else? We got dates coming up.

not sure when this is coming out but we're all over the road until the end of the year and then we're gonna be announcing a big tour for 2023 check out our Patreon social media is the whole nine yards this will probably come out either like late November early December we have dates check it out if not we're coming all over the country next year

yeah yeah go see those boys listen to the podcast if you haven't seen it i did a couple they're super some of my favorite podcasts these episodes are great so go go check them out but you guys have tons of great tons of great shout out to domino's versus pizza hut yeah we i almost ordered uh pizza hut here we should i should have done it but uh next next time i'm on you i didn't want to infringe on next time i'm on are you garbage i'm bringing pizza hut love it oh yeah yeah we should do the taste test next time yeah yeah yeah yeah uh

Well, that'll do it. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Peace.