Andy Haynes [PATREON PREVIEW]
02:23 Share

I definitely got arrested. Sure. You know, like, I got arrested six times. Six? Yeah. Do you remember them? What's the most memorable one? Well, one time I flipped my mom's minivan going, like, 80 miles an hour on the freeway. And I was going from a cabin to buy booze.

I was like, friends at a cabin having a get-together. And they sent you on the booze run? Listen, they did not want a booze run. They were not interested in booze. Nobody else was drunk like this. I showed up with a fifth of absolute, and I was like, party time. And they were like, actually, we're just thinking about lighting a fire. And I was like, all right, dorks. Drink the whole thing by myself. And then wake up literally on the road.

What the fuck? Okay, so I flip the minivan. I see my exit. It's in the snow. I'm going 80 miles an hour in the snow. And I fucking flip. And then I come to. My friend is in the car with me. Luckily, she's completely fine. She's a mother now. Great person. Shout out Crystal Capuccio. I love you. Shout out to Crystal. So happy that you're alive.

Oh, yeah. Your life, it could have gone so... Oh, my God. You're almost Hulk Hogan's son. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm almost like I have to walk around with that I killed somebody or paralyzed somebody's name. Yes, yes. You know, like I'm running marathons with her because she's a vegetable. Yeah.

I did this, but we're cool now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've started a fucking... I have to marry her. Yeah, yeah. I ruined her life. You've started a charity called, like, Crystal's Angels or something like that. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like you go to schools and talk about the dangers of drunk driving for the rest of your life. This is my friend Crystal, and she's, like, across the room just like... Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

LAUGHTER