#99 - Wes Haney and Daniel Simonsen
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Welcome to Stavi's World, everyone. We have an incredible show for you. Wes Haney, Daniel Simonson. They'll be on in a minute. We just want to let you know. And we talk about it. But October 25th, Let's Start a Cult, the movie that I star in. I wrote it with Wes and our friend Ben Kittnick. It comes out in theaters. It's in all these cities. Eldest will put these in in post-production, hopefully, or I'll kill him. And you can, by clicking the link below...

You can get tickets to see it. Please buy tickets to see it. Go outside. Go to the movies. It's 90 minutes of very, very stupid comedy. If you like this podcast, you will like the movie, I promise you. And if you live in any of these cities, go see it. I'm begging. I'm on my knees begging. Now, without further ado, let's start the show.

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have a very special, important episode. This is made, we have soon to be

Indie hit comedy We have the cast of Let's Start a Cult here Wes Haney, Daniel Simonson I also happen to be in the movie Yes it is my movie I've been telling you about this for a fucking month now It comes out This Friday October 25th In theaters You're looking at three motherfuckers that are in a real movie You pieces of shit Show some respect You too Eldest

This is the first time you've had three serious actors on this podcast. I'm humbled to the highest degree right now. Yeah, we fucking made a movie. We hope you go out and see it. And look, it's in at least two theaters, so we can say in theaters. Yeah. Okay? That's all it takes. It's all it takes. Two theaters, it's in theaters. We've already done a couple premieres.

It's been in, already as we speak, it's been in three theaters. Soon to be four. I didn't even know about that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. See, Daniel, we keep it in the dark. Daniel's, look, so we, me and Wes, we wrote it with our buddy, Ben Kittnick, who directed it. Yeah.

You know, we were, I'm sort of like the, kind of like the James Dean movie star of it. You know, the sexy, young protagonist. Wes is the haggard old, he's the haggard old villain who I have to defeat. Daniel is a nice little foreign piece of ass we brought in so people have something to look at. Ain't that right, Daniel? Oh, yeah. My ass was the most important part of the casting. Yeah.

But yeah, we want to make sure you go see the movie. And yeah, it was fun. It's kind of wild that something we made is in theaters, but we'll take it, baby. It's pretty sick, man. Have you ever seen yourself projected on it? What's the biggest screen you've seen yourself projected on up until now, up until this movie?

I think it's my television. Nice. Television is good though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few times when I watch myself. But that's very rarely though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of try to avoid it. You don't like to look at yourself on TV? Not too much, no.

I think also the bigger it is, there's a lot to digest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I guess my friend had a show, or maybe I did like the 48-hour film festival, and they put that shit on a movie theater. So like, I'm just talking about for, you know, tricking your mind. Me and Elvis, actually Elvis...

Remember, we did the 48-hour film festival. Yeah, Crod. Crod, destroyer of worlds. Yeah. Eldest was Crod. That was my breakout role. I was kind of the star of that. You actually were the star.

You were the young James Dean and I was the evil villain. Damn, we should find that and put it on the Stabby's World YouTube channel. That would go nuts, dude. But yeah, I'm excited to see myself big, you know? Yeah, I haven't seen myself big. No. Ever. Not even for some bullshit thing somebody rented out at the theater or something?

No. Not even that? Not even that. Damn, dude. I made a little screening here and there, but nothing like no sort of big screen. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Maybe on a wall. Maybe on a wall. Yeah, no, you need the borders. 10 feet max. Yeah, 10. Nah, not good enough. Now we're about to be big. And by the way, go see this and we will go. If you do the popcorn trick at our movie where you put your dick through the popcorn and get jerked off, send us the glory hole popcorn bucket. No jizz. Send us the glory hole popcorn bucket.

Send it to us. Send it to Elda Sula. Care of Elda Sula. We'll flash his address here on the screen right now. And you are entered for... What's the prize? What do you think the prize is for doing the popcorn trick at our movie theater? At our movie? What do you think they should get?

Maybe like $35. A burned DVD copy of the film. Yeah, a bootleg copy. You get a bootleg copy that Eldis filmed at the premiere. There's a bathroom break in it. You get to hear Eldis' stream as he pisses. You hear me on the camera like,

Just breathing into the mic of the camcorder. I loved bootlegs, man. Here comes the piss. All right. It happened again. Damn, I used to love bootlegs.

We grew up in a nice era. Did you ever have... You must have had some bootlegs. In Greece, they loved bootlegs. Yeah. Did they have them... You grew up in Norway? Yeah, Norway. Did they have bootlegs? I don't think that was a thing there. You guys love following rules. That's why. Yeah. That would be quite a break, okay?

Yeah, Greek people hate rules, bro. They don't pay taxes. They don't do shit. Yeah, dude, it would be like you would just go and people would be like, you want a Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise? And they would just have like Mission Impossible for you, like burned. Like I never. And we would like go DVD shopping for bootlegs in Greece and bring back bootlegs to America to watch. But when I was in South America, they had it a lot. They would even have movies that were not out yet. Yeah.

They're like, the Hobbit. They're still making it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They show you dailies of the Hobbit? Yeah. They show you with a green screen. They would show you Captain America. It's all green and the guy in front of it. That's fucking hilarious. Were you a big bootleg guy, Wes? I wasn't because I lived, like, I grew up out in the country, so they didn't make it that far. Damn, dude. Not even at gas stations or anything like that? No. Wow. Yeah, both Baltimore and Greece are...

Big bootleg places. I'm sure. We love the bootleg. Elvis, I know your ass had bootlegs. Honestly, no. What? I never did like a bootleg DVD like, you know, the shitty kind that they like, yeah, film it in the theater. You stole cable though, didn't you? No, you keep saying that. I never did. I thought you stole cable. We always paid for cable. Yeah, right. Don't listen to him, man. He stole it. How can you do that? By the way, steal it.

You just have a guy come in and fucking... I don't even exactly know. It used to be big in the 90s. They probably split wires on the poles where the actual cables were and put it to your house or some shit. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. You pay a guy one fee. One time you pay one guy 400 bucks, you get cable for free. Until someone's wise to it. But I still... I think you stole it. How would you know what your parents... I guess you probably...

You probably wouldn't know because they didn't speak English. Yeah, I don't even know how they would do it. An Albanian guy split the fucking wire. That's how they did it. What do you mean, how would they do it? No, man. Do they have any Albanian stereotypes in Norway? I haven't heard those, actually. It's actually a country I never heard mentioned. You're not... Oh, really? You hear that, Elders? They don't even think about you, motherfuckers.

Damn, that's a shame. We got to ask everybody, what about in Indiana, Wes? Or did you grow up in Illinois? I grew up in Indiana. There were definitely people who did it. It didn't happen in my family. We weren't smart enough, that's for sure.

Too dumb, too afraid. Too dumb, too afraid. Oh, dumb and scared. Lethal combo. Yeah. A dumb coward. You don't want that. You at least want a confident coward that might accidentally succeed. Yeah. An afraid coward has a 10% chance of anything good happening. Yeah. A coward that's like, you know, a coward that believes in himself even though he shouldn't

Or I'm sorry, no, no. A dumb guy who believes himself even though he shouldn't. That guy's got actually probably like, I would say 70%. Yeah. He's going to be successful in life. He's got good odds for sure. Yeah. Them. What about Albanians? You know any of them?

No. Oh, no. Yeah. I mean, I didn't even know any Greeks. Oh, wow. How about Greeks in Norway? You guys knew Greeks. I actually lived, so I studied in Paris, and I lived in a Greek house. Really? I think it was 80 Greek people. I'm sorry, 80? Yeah. Daniel, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.

You were in a Parisian Greek house with 80? So it's like a, oh, you mean like an apartment building? So it's like a student city. I see, I see. And every country had its own house. Oh, wow. So they had segregation, they had ethnic segregation in France. Yeah, I like to keep it separate. Yeah.

But they would send, like, from each house different countries. So I came from the Norwegian house to live at the Greek house. Oh, so it was like an exchange within an exchange program. Yeah. Interesting. So you were the Norwegian delegate to the Greek house in Paris? Yeah. How did you find your experience with the Greek, with 80 Greeks? I mean, they're so different to Norwegians. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I remember I would come home and they would have like a circle. Uh-huh. And they had a little guitar. Yeah. And they were completely sober, too. Oh, wow. And then they were singing songs. Yeah, yeah. While they looked each other in the eyes. That's how they would have fun. Dude, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. And there would be like one guy in the middle like doing his own solo dance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was really strange. Yeah.

Whenever I saw that, I would just kind of tiptoe away. Oh, dude, they would have tried to get you in the center to dance for sure. That would have been a big... The sober thing does surprise me, though, because everything you're saying makes sense to me. Yeah. And they would love to shred on the bouzouki. What you heard was a bouzouki. Yeah. That was the little guitar. And there is something...

cool about that. Because it's just like a party will break out literally wherever. And it's like you just need... And they literally just clap. The guy in the center does like a... He just kind of moves his arms around and sometimes he kicks his feet up. It's fucking sick. I'm trying to get there, dude. I'm trying to like...

Traditionally, you perform that dance at your wedding. It's kind of like a peacocking. It's kind of like a, it's like the manliest dance there is. It's like fucking, you see you fucking dance that when you get married and then again, you probably, when you get divorced, you know what I mean? That's, uh, it's called the Zabekiko. Hmm.

That's so fucking funny. But it seemed the less alcohol, the better. Like that was almost like a great thing if it was booze free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they didn't get rowdy. Yeah. But they seemed to enjoy it more if it's sober. Really? It's strange. Sounds like you had 80 nerds in your fucking ear. This does not, everything you're saying except they're enjoying it more when they're sober doesn't make sense to me.

Was it a mixed home? Was it like guys and girls or was it like... Yeah, mixed. So it was a party, a sober party. These sober Greek people just doing it for the dance. And what ages? Oh, all types. There weren't only students living there. They were like... This is fascinating. I have no clue who a lot of people were. Yeah. Bumped into them in the elevator. Yeah.

And you were the only non-Greek or were there like a handful of other students from other countries in that Greek house? There were like a few different, but mostly Greeks. But I remember like sometimes you would have like a gathering or whatever and you would just look to the side and just see five Greeks staring at you from afar. They really look at you for a bit too long. Yeah, absolutely. It's not even weird. Yeah. No, I get it. There is like a weird...

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, where there's like... They're not self...

They're not self-conscious. Like Greeks from Greece have kind of like the dumb guy we were just talking about. There's like a neurosis. It's funny being in America and going back. I'm like, oh, America's neurotic. Like I'm in my head. I bet you if I was in Greece, I would just be some fat, dumb guy having a great time. I mean, you could argue I'm that now, but it would just be like I am self-conscious and it's like they'll just be like,

What's going on, man? What are you doing here? Or they'll be like, they would. And then they might even like, it's like a little aggro, but not a little alpha. They're trying to like alpha you a little bit. And it is kind of like, I don't know.

They're kind of like fucking wild animals, to be honest with you. Like my cousin is just, he's just, his life is so simple. Goes to work, tries to get pussy, eats a fucking gyro, day starts all over again. You know what I mean? There's not much else. There's not much other than that. But they're really good people, though. I did like them. Yeah. They're great at hanging out. Greek people love chilling and like it's warm. They're probably welcoming. You know what I mean? Very welcoming. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, they're very accepting of no matter how you are. You're like, oh, yeah, you're one of the guys. Yeah, yeah. And they'll shit on you. They'll make fun of you, but you're one of the guys. You know, like, that is awesome. And this was what, college? You were in college? Yeah, in Paris. And, yeah, we had parties there every now and then. And then Norwegians would come over there to party. Yeah, what's in a... And they'd be shocked by how drunk we were. Oh, yeah.

You guys just get fucked up and that's it. There's no song or dance. You're going to have to drink to be able to exist. But it's like, I remember there were these Norwegian guys there like rolling on the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally on the floor and they were pretty shocked, the Greeks. Yeah. I think they felt we were ruining the party. Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Because Greek people will get fucked up, but it is a slow build. I will say that. It's like a glass of wine with dinner, and then it's like we're drinking for eight hours while the music's going. Like it is a very, again, it's a hang-oriented culture where it's like, don't fuck it. Like shots are like a wild move. Like they will do it, but it's only after it's built, and it's like, all right.

This is one of those nights. Let's get... Now it's time to get fucked up. But it's not like...

Even American college culture where it's like, time to pregame, where you have to be so drunk before fucking leaving your home. Where, yeah, that's interesting because I guess Norwegians are just... The party starts by getting fucked up. You kind of arrive drunk because you've been pregaming. Right. So you're already pretty wasted when you get there. Yeah. And then you keep, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I would have done pretty well in Norway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was so shy growing up, like would not make eye contact with people. Yeah. And definitely had to like, had to get lubed up. Sure, sure, sure, sure. In order to do anything, like, man. I mean, I get it. I remember doing that being like 15 and being so scared to talk to a girl that you're like,

Ah, time to guzzle vodka so that maybe I'll say hello to, you know, just a girl that's been like batting her eyelashes at me. I did one time. I got drunk as hell and made out with a girl at the Greek festival. Still one of the best memories of my childhood. That's great. How old were you? I was 15. You know, it counts. And then I would...

That was maybe the closest I got to getting sucked off for another...

five years. I had a nice little run that year where I saw three pairs of tits and then God turned the titty spigot off. He was like, all right, that's enough. Now be a fucking loser and hang out with Eldest for five years. Go to a diner with Eldest after getting way too drunk at a party now. That's what you're going to do until you get to see a titty at

I guess I saw tits again. Let's see here. Let me think about this, boys. Give me a second. I guess I saw some tits at 18. I guess I saw some tits at 18. But I didn't fuck for those five years after, so. Ah, it was a harrowing time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When did you see your first titty in person, Wes?

I think I've talked about this last time. Oh, you did, you did, yes. I remember this. It was everything at once. I remember this, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not so much as a kiss, and then it was just... Same night. No kiss. Got it all out of the way. That's why I remember this. Yeah, I remember this. That is fucking hilarious. Salute to that. Great night. Great night. Yeah. Okay, second. So we covered your first the last time you were here. Second time you saw Tiz. It was probably... You know, I think it was like...

a year and a half later. Okay. So kind of a drought. Another drought. Yeah. That was pretty rough. Yeah. And I also got braces during that time. Ooh. So that, you know, that didn't help. That's tough. And how old were you when you got braces? I was, I had just turned 19 when I got braces. Oh my God, dude. That's fucking brutal. That's fucking brutal. Oh.

College braces? Yeah. Because I had like just, it took me that long to get enough confidence to be like, I think I would like to do something entertainment related in my life. Right. I should probably fix my fucked up teeth. Yeah, yeah. Gotta do it. Gotta do it. I'm 19. I don't want to do it. This is going to fucking suck. Fuck.

Let's get it out of the way. Luckily, it was only for a year. Okay. Yeah. What style of brace? Like the classic brace? Classic. Just metal mouth shit. Yeah. I didn't have any colored rubber bands. Okay. Yeah. That's good. Classic. Kept it classic. Gray, silver. Yeah. Did you do this? Did a lot of moisture? Yeah.

You know? Hey, guys. It's me, Wes. There's probably some of that. Can I see some pussy? I've got, like, big teeth, too, so it wasn't that bad because, you know, the surface area of the brace on the tooth. Of course, of course. There was some clearance there. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't make too much noise. That is funny to be like, all right, I have to get to think like that. I never considered my teeth big.

For one second. Like, even though I wanted to do comedy, I was like, well, who cares? I'm fucked up looking. Like, who gives a fuck? And then when I got my teeth, when this tooth came in, they're like, you want us to fix the gap? I was like, no. I like the gap. I like having fucked up teeth a little bit. So were your parents just like, the dentist was never in play growing up? Yeah, it was kind of like a lot of things. Like, you don't really need it. Yeah. So...

I always had like the lowest version of whatever it was. Yeah. Like, yeah. I'd love an example. If an example came to my head right now, it would be perfect. Sure, that'd be awesome. Yeah. We'll just have to do with you saying it. Yeah. Believe me. Take my word for it. It'll come to me in a few minutes when we're on another topic. Yeah. Yeah.

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Well, I just, I do love the, because we had so much, in the movie we do, we deal with like a, one of the characters is kind of a, like a out there mom. And I do love that we drew a lot of inspiration from your actual life and your actual mom. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. We put a joke in there. We didn't tell that part on the last one, did we? I don't think so. Because last time we talked about your, you know, we talked about stepdads and all that kind of stuff. Which, by the way, go see Wes and Nick Nanny. We had a great episode on the Patreon. You're going to have to pay up for that one, folks. But we didn't talk about that at all. Because your parents split up. How old were you?

I was like two. Yeah. So I have no memory of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, like my mom was, she was married a lot. Yeah. Married a lot. And then yeah, at eight, she found my stepdad and they've been together ever since. That's nice. There were some dicey years. Yeah, yeah.

Some coming and going. Yeah, yeah. I remember she had a boyfriend named Kevin who I met once. Hell yeah. Who gave me, upon meeting me, he gave me and my brother RBI baseball for the original Nintendo. Yeah. Love Kevin. Kevin was good. And again, that's a big lesson for all of you trying to fuck single moms. Get their kids on.

a little better than they deserve and you could do whatever you want to their mother after that. They are good. They're going to be playing RBI baseball. You got her in the Cobra clutch over there. Just feet away and they wouldn't be the wiser. Never saw Kevin again, but here I am talking about him.

More positive memories per interaction than any of your stepfathers. Because it was just, hey, here's the RBI baseball. Me and moms are going to be gone for a couple hours, boys.

get in there with Ken Griffey that's why I was thinking about the other day the movie Boyhood is my favorite movie because I think no other movie has gotten the stepdad quite right and that's the movie that does it there's a guy who's dating the mom early on and he comes to take her on a date and she's like I forgot I got two kids come on I'm supposed to meet my friends at the bowling alley no it's ok I'll hang out here with you

Perfect. And then the main stepdad later in it, it was just slowly becoming more and more alcoholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has this big flip out scene where he's drunk at dinner and tries to flip a dish, but he misses it. Yes, yes, yes. If you haven't seen Boyhood. Go check out Boyhood, folks. Watch our movie and then watch Boyhood right after. Yeah, there is something...

Because the stepdad who tries to be abusive but can't pull it off is one of the funniest guys in the world. Beautiful. Because it's both funny in the sense of the guy's pathetic, but it's also such a relief because so many stepdads are such pieces of shit that actually will hit a kid that one guy who's just like...

A timid, like a pussy that wishes he could hit a child, but like can't pull it off. That's a fucking hilarious guy, man. That's a fucking real pussy. God, thank God. Thank God. I mean, I always was like, damn, I kind of wish my parents had gotten divorced because I think I just think about the positive side.

stepdads, you know? I think about like a nice supportive big fat stepdad, you know, like an American stepdad. I always thought, that'd be nice. Some guy who can fucking watch baseball, whittles, you know what I mean? Gives me a nice hug. Is supportive, you know? They're out there. They're out there, but most of the time that's not who you get. You don't get a good one. Were your parents divorced? Do we just even have the concept of step-parents? Yeah, primarily.

I mean my mom had like boyfriends, but I do remember there was a lot of bribery involved. Yes, yes, yes. They give you smoked reindeer meat. Hey dude, here's 20 bucks. 20 big ones, dude. That's classic. And again, pretty direct. It was like uncomfortable, but I did like it. Free money is always great.

but it must be hard for them to you know to try to win the kid over yes

Yeah, because you never know how hard to go and you're like, I don't want this kid to think I love him yet, if ever. But I do want him to get off my back so I can fuck his mom. I think that's really how most of them approach it. I think it starts with, what's the lowest gift I can get to just get three hours of this kid off my back? And then, unless you're a good guy, in which case it's like, it has to be an interesting thing of like,

Yeah, I want to be nice to them, but I also, I feel like once you meet a kid, it's got to be kind of serious. You'd hope. Otherwise, it's like, you know. It's Kevin territory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, your mom's treating you guys like you're her roommates. Like, yeah, Kevin's going to be on the couch. Like, hell yeah, that's Wes. He's cool. Just, you know, just go right on by him. He'll be watching TV. Yeah.

Yeah, it should be serious, though, if you are meeting the kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I can see myself getting into a stepdad zone. Yeah. That'd be kind of nice. I have no problem. I have no problem, you know, ladies got a kid. I'll date her. And I also think it would be nice to just...

Not worry about changing diapers. Just pop in. Boom. Kid right there. Hopefully his dad's in jail or dead or something. He automatically respects me more. Dead would actually be kind of the best one, I guess. You have to worry about him coming back and shiving you or whatever. Or kind of pathetic and around would actually be funny too. Kind of like a Gil type, Gil from the Simpsons guy. That would be a fun stepdad to have around. Yeah.

But, yeah. But he's a nice kid, too. You get a nice kid. I guess I'm open to the possibility that the kid is a good kid. Yeah, they could surprise you. Yeah. Damn. Whoa, this is fun. This kid's all right. Yeah, this kid's not bad. I mean, he's half of that fucking idiot. That Gil guy, but...

Yeah, dude. I don't know. We'll see. I'm starting with the uncle mode, of course. I think there might be some kids on the way in the family, hopefully. So, you know, I'm ready to work my way up as an uncle to train myself for stepdad. That's the ultimate. That's kind of like the dirtbag 35-year-old gauntlet when you're single this long. And it's like, yeah, that'd be nice.

That'd be fucking nice. Do you remember any other bribes you got? Was it just cash? I got a really sick t-shirt. Nice. That I got a lot of props for. What was it?

It was like a skateboarding brand. I can't remember. Shorty's, maybe. Shorty's, sure. Yeah, yeah. So, were you... Did they skate? Were you motherfuckers skating? Oh, yeah, yeah. What was, like, youth culture like when you were growing up? Very inspired by, like, the United States. I gotcha. But we did skate, but it was like...

the concrete was so rough and it was always like rainy or even snow, you know? So it wasn't like ideal for it, but it was like a big skateboard. Oh really? It was a big culture. I was pretty bad. Oh, I was very frightened. So I didn't get a lot of respect. Yeah.

You couldn't do any tricks so they didn't fuck with you, dude? I could, but it took me like years longer to dare to even try it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, I just, I went rollerblades. All my friends were skateboarding. Oh, wow. You were the one rollerblader in the crew? Yeah. Speaking of no respect. I mean, yeah, that was crazy. But they had grind plates. Yeah. And I was not good at that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But that's worse when you try to grind with rollerblades and then your feet just like go like that. Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, man. Yeah, I mean, I was always scared of skating completely. Mm-hmm.

I was fat, obviously. And it just felt like, I don't know, a fat skateboarder feels like you're tempting God there. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like every good skater is, like, skinny and... Eldest, you never had, like, a... Did you have a board or anything like that? I had a board. I was, like, trying to fuck with it in, like, fifth and sixth grade, but I was a straight poser, obviously.

I like managed to kind of do an ollie like in the grass and like right when sixth grade started. But then literally like the second time, the second time I did it in the grass, like the board snapped. I don't think I'm investing in the new one. It like snapped under my weight. In the grass. Sorry, man.

Yeah, that kind of sucked. But I was like, this is probably for the best, honestly. I don't see a future in this for myself. You're also one of the least physically gifted people I've ever met in my life. Totally. One of the least coordinated people. The fact that of all the sports you went and tried skating is so funny. No, totally. I would have fucked myself. I fucked my forearm once in middle school trying to play with a hacky sack in the living room.

I just reached my foot for it wrong and lost my balance and like straightened the fuck out of my forearm. And you're home playing hacky sack? I fell on the carpet and fucked my shit up.

God, I wish I had a video of that. I would watch that nonstop. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, I was way more of a... I was way more of a... Just, I played, you know, soccer, and then I played...

Like wreck basketball. And then I fancied myself a jock, even though, you know, in my heart I was a theater kid. But I couldn't admit that because I was like, nah, I'm fucking cool and straight. I don't fucking do. I quit like you're a good man, Charlie Brown, in sixth grade to play like basketball and lacrosse. And that was like, I was like, yeah.

Now is when I start being a cool guy that gets pussy. And then, of course, it didn't happen. I was just, I just, you know, played sports and whatever. I did, like, rec league basketball, but then I was in, like, an alt sports kid. So I played, like, I was hacky sack and, like, ultimate frisbee, disc golf. Yeah. And then in college, my freshman year of college, I, like, joined the ultimate frisbee team. Oh, damn. With braces. With braces. Playing ultimate frisbee. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Long hair. Hell yeah, dude. And then I got into this improv group. Ooh, three for three. College improv. Go ahead, go ahead. Found out the rehearsals were on the same night. Oh, no. Ultimate Frisbee practice, so that was it. That was it. R.I.P. your ultimate Frisbee career. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, improv. Hello, improv. Time to grow up and do something respectable.

What is the, like, I'm realizing, talking to you, Daniel, that I have no concept for what, like, Norwegian, like, culture is at all. Like, I know the, like, I know the, like, you know, you, I just, you think of, um...

Just Scandinavia in general. I think of it anyway as almost like one place, you know what I mean? Where it's like, you know, northern lights, reindeer meat. Like, you know, that's pretty much it. It's kind of the same thing, though. It is. We can even speak our own languages to each other. Oh, really? They're almost dialects of the same thing, sort of? Yeah. Interesting. And I think similar kind of types of personalities. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's fucking cold as shit. It's like, how long out of the year? Or is there even a summer? Or how long is it? It is a summer, but it might be horrific. It's really, like, not guaranteed it will be good. Yeah. My mom is always calling me, kind of bitching about the summer there. So are you saying it's, like, too hot or too cold still? It could, like, rain the whole time. I see. Or be, like, one week where it's kind of nice. Yeah. Yeah.

But when it's good weather, though, the whole city changes. Right. And everybody's outside. And it's pretty nice, actually. Yeah. But the winters, I remember being lots of snow. But now when I go back, that's almost gone, I think. A little global warming? I think that's it. Yeah. At least around Christmas when I'm there. It used to be like all powder. Damn. But now it's like...

Slush, that bullshit. Just a lot of rain and stuff. What's the point of being from Norway if you can't get a snowy-ass Christmas? That sucks. That does suck. Goddamn. And is that where everybody... Because it's always like you think of like, you know, everybody's 6'2 and blonde as hell. Is that it? Or are you an outlier? Or do we just have that wrong as well?

You remember how you were in the Greek house and you were the representative for Norway? That's actually what you're doing on this podcast too. You're back to being the representative for all Norwegians right now. You're answering all our questions. Well, they're usually a bit blonder than me. So I'm half South American. Oh, okay.

So I'm not fully Norwegian. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Is that why you were in South America? You were saying that's where you were getting the bootleg DVDs? Yeah. Was it in your dad's side of the family? Yeah, I was there by myself, kind of backpacking. But yeah, I think you have really blonde, almost like cheese. Yeah. A lot of my friends have that type of hair. Yeah, yeah.

But when I was in South America, they called me Blondie. But in Norway, I was kind of darker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. A man between two countries. Yeah. They called me Russian a lot there. Russian. Rusio. Rusio? I would hear it on the street. Wow. A flaco. That's the skinny, skinny guy. Skinny Rusio. Flaco Rusio. But, yeah. Norway is...

Do you know who Haaland is? Yes, yes, yes.

He's from Norway? He looks as Viking as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the proper version. I didn't realize he was from Norway. He is? Yes. Cool. That's a cool guy to have. He's awesome. Oh, yeah. That guy's fucking good as shit. Oh, yeah. So, it's big soccer. Did you play soccer? I did, yeah. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. What position? I was a little bit better there. But when I was actually a kid, I was kind of chubby. So, I was very slow.

I was good like technical but I had to dribble people twice yeah yeah because they would like catch up with me you'd have to beat them but I loved soccer I watch it all the time now

Who do you root for? What's the club? United, Manchester. Oh, okay, nice. Do you spend time there, too? I feel like you've lived everywhere. I lived in the UK, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I did go to Old Trafford once. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah, I went to London for the first time this summer. You ever been to London, Wes? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you obviously look hilariously Irish. Is that what's going on with the Haney's? Yeah, my Irish-English-German mix. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah.

It's fucking nuts. Like, I love the UK, dude. It's so frustrating to go. Because I love New York. This place rocks. But it does suck when you go somewhere and you're like, ah, this city's better. Like, they're running. This shit is cleaner. The public transportation actually is, like, on time and nice to use. It's also old as shit. Like, London, you go and there's a building that people have been using since, like, the 1100s that's still, like...

in use and you're like this is fucking the public part i mean fuck the you know i was about i was ready to be like ah the fucking monarchy can suck my dick fuck their palace and then you go and it's beautiful and they have like insane public gardens and like flower like bright flowers of every kind and you're like damn they're fucking stunting on us man it's nice i felt that way about amsterdam last year oh yeah and

the canals everywhere, like no matter where you live in Amsterdam, you're like looking at a canal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. The bike, everybody's riding bikes. You ever fucking live there? Motherfucker.

No, but I did backpack there. And I rode a bike, pretty drunk actually, in the morning through the city. Yeah, that's a cool place. It's awesome. I didn't get to see it though. I was just there for two days. Oh, really? That's a place where I would... Yeah, because I would imagine... That's a great... It seems to be a great place to do comedy in Europe. Yeah. I'm going to... I was supposed to do a European tour last year. I think I'm going to go this...

I mean, I guess coming up. You could go to Norway. Yeah, yeah. I want to go to Norway too, for sure. I definitely want to go. I've never been there. I want to go check it out. But Amsterdam is very cool too. I remember being like pumped for the red light district, being like, well, I'm not going to go because it's, you know, I'm not, but I'm going to go see in the back of the head, being like, well, I'm not getting a donut. I'm just going to go to the bakery and smell. You know what I mean? And then I got there and it was like,

so crowded and disgusting that it was... It's like, you know how you're like, this water park feels gross to be in, but instead of a water park, because there's too many guys here, imagine if it's a lady's pussy. That's kind of how I felt. Where it was like, there were just guys in line, like, closer than we are. But for me and Daniel, there were like seven guys, nut to butt, just...

arms crossed waiting to fuck the same woman. And I'm like, this is cool to you guys? I'm not, I'm no prude here, but it's like, this is just gross. This is fucking like, it's, you know, I'll pay for pussy. I have no qualms about that, but this is just not. It was shocking. Yeah. I walked, my wife and I walked around there and it was like, holy shit, this is what it is? Yeah.

Oh my God. It's like in Times Square, but everybody's just paying to fuck a lady. And they're all just like smoking and like... They have the face of someone who's like five hours into their shift. It's like, damn, sorry, this sucks. But I guess they probably make good money. But...

Yeah, I don't know. It was fucking wild. Like, you didn't check out the red light district, huh, Daniel? No, I saw it in Belgium. Oh, yeah? We went through it with some friends. It was weird. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking... Yeah, I didn't... I mean, it's like women on display in windows. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty strange. It is very strange. I didn't even really look. I felt that would be rude. You are, I guess, that's the point.

Yeah, no, they're not. Listen, you know, they're trying to get, it's an advertisement. It would be rude because you're looking with no, no like. Intent of using. Intent of, yes, yes, yes. It's like getting too many free samples at Costco. Yeah. Or it's like going to the mall and just keep getting their weird little orange chicken. And they're like, all right, man, you've gotten three little orange chickens. Either buy something or get the fuck out. That's how, you know.

But Belgium, huh? Interesting. A more chill red light district. Sounds pretty cool to me. Ah, you know what I love? A nice night out on the town. Whether it's sports, a show, a concert, whatever it is. I like lowest prices, good deals. And who does that better than anybody? Our friends at the freaking Game Time app. I love this. Look, I'm even on here, Elders.

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Oh, fuck, yeah. I do want to go to much more of Europe because I have just seen Greece pretty much and I went to Paris, I went to Amsterdam. But I want to go to Spain. Just like, I don't know. Europe is nice. What are your thoughts of just being here? The quality of life. What are your observations? Because it seems like you've gone to many different... You've lived in different parts of the world. Give us just a little...

I have my opinions, but I'd love to hear what you're thinking. I think like America, I really like the people, but it's the hardest place I lived where I feel I could end up so bad. Yeah, they don't give a fuck about you over here, man. They want your money somehow or you have to pay for everything, you know? Yeah. I think Europe kind of blend together a bit, but then when you go to like Spain or Germany

I've been to Greece too. Then it feels different. For sure. Greece definitely feels different. It's also like... It's not... I feel like there's a part of Europe that's almost like France through like... I don't know. Germany or whatever. Or like I guess past... Whatever's past that shit. I'm dumb as fuck. I don't know geography. But it's like...

Just kind of central Europe where it's like it's all connected by train. And it's like you could get, you know, all that backpacking. It's like it's such a small place compared to America. Like where it's like the equivalent of driving across a couple states. But it's so densely populated that it feels like you're seeing so many different cultures. All that shit does blend together because it does make sense that the EU is one place. It feels so much like America with different states except Europe.

And it's fascinating to see you motherfuckers are this close and it's a completely different language and culture. That's crazy because you come here and it's like fucking Indiana. You drive and it's like nothing forever. And it's like there. It's so cool and packed together. And Indiana, like it's exactly the same as like an hour outside of New York.

Right. Anywhere now, we go in the U.S. exactly the same. Outside of a city. Yeah. Strip malls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the same shit. All the same restaurants. All the same... Even the like... I think David Cross had a joke about this back in the day where he's like, how do...

Like, how do fucking Hicks in New York have a southern accent? It's like, how do all... How does Indiana have a fucking southern accent? It feels like you're in the deep south when you're in Indiana. It's crazy. And it's just like, it's four hours south of Chicago. Yeah, it's so... It's close. Yeah. It's fucking weird, dude. Yeah. I think Americans, though, you were talking about the happy-go-lucky guy. Yeah. I think that's how Americans seem to me. Hmm.

Like, you're very good at small talking. Sure, sure, sure. Not hanging out in a bar or whatever. Right, right, right, yeah. I feel Americans in general are a bit less heady. I always felt very welcome here. It reminds me of Greeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's definitely different to Europe for sure. Oh, yeah. Did you ever feel not... Was there a place you didn't feel welcomed? In...

Actually today, I really had to pee and I walked into a bar and there was a lady there, just me and her, and I was like, do you mind if I give you $5? Wow, you didn't even ask first? You just put money, you were like, look, I'm going to pay you. She looked very grumpy, but she agreed to it. Wow.

But then I was pretty quick. Then she was kind of cool. Right, right, right. She was impressed. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a fast piss. And I got five bucks. This guy's sick. I thought it would be a good deal for her. It's a great deal for her, dude. Are you kidding? I love that you didn't even bother to ask if you could... You didn't even have... You were like, look, I got the five in my pocket. If she says no, I'll slam the five down. You were just like...

This is going to be a business transaction right away. That's fucking hilarious. When I walked in there, I was like, please don't let it be a woman. Yeah.

I just feel that would piss off a girl more. It would what? It would piss off a girl more. Right. A guy would be, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. I feel a girl would be a bit more moody. I was right. She was not impressed. Where was this? In New York? What kind of dude has used the restroom? Right. What kind of fucking pussy's got to piss so bad he's willing to give me five bucks for it? Yeah. I'll never fuck this guy.

This guy's a beta. This guy's a beta. One of those pissing guys. That's fucking hilarious. But that is us Americans, this tough attitude. Like when I ask some questions in customer support, I can feel they don't want to help me. I don't know how to explain it. It's just, that can make me kind of grumpy. Well, I think you're onto something here because it's a fundamental thing of...

Like, I mean, it's really just capitalist versus like somebody who's doing their job, right? Who's just like, you know, I just want to get through my horrific job with as little work as possible, right? That is America. That's like... Whereas like in Europe, it's like, hey, I'm getting paid to do this. I'm taking my base...

my base shit is covered my life's pretty fun and easy like I get to go I get to go on vacation for four weeks it's like maybe I actually will do my job when I'm doing it I'll do it now I get a lot of vacation time I'm not there a lot but when I'm in the office I'll fucking do it and I'll actually try and help you whereas like it's rare when you find someone who just kinda does their job here and I get that I get it right like cause life is a nightmare in America as you said it's like they don't

None of your basic needs are met. No one cares about you. It doesn't feel like the country cares about you, like your well-being, like where you're saying it's the hardest place to live. And it's like, yeah, a customer service person just wants to fucking get you off the phone. And when you get a good one, it almost feels like a miracle. Like I felt closer to somebody who's like just been baseline nice to me than I have like, you know, family members. Because it feels like a Delta employee that's like,

Well, I see. I see. You know what? Technically, we could charge you for this, but you make a good point, and I fully have it within my power to make this go away, and I just will. When someone does that, when they act like a human being, you're shocked when they do it here. Because they usually hate you.

I openly hate you. You pick up the phone and it's like you have to ask a lady, your ex whose sister you fucked, for a favor. That's what it feels like when you call fucking, when you're like, hey, can I just get this refund that I'm entitled to? And they're like, ugh, fuck you. But New York, too, though, is tougher. When I was in Colorado very recently in Vail, they were so friendly.

Yeah, well, that's almost too much. It's a resort town, though. They're on vacation, you know what I mean? Yeah, but in general, Colorado seemed like a lot warmer. They're almost like too stoked to see you. So I remember that in the hotel, the lady that was so friendly. She really wanted to talk for a while, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I felt that was very different to New York. Well, that's definitely true. Motherfuckers here are like very...

They're about their business. They're fast here for sure. I'm really curious about Daniel's experience. When we were filming the movie, Daniel came out, but because of scheduling stuff... That's right. You were there for so long. He was there for so long. And we... It sucked. Before we needed him. Where we were was horrible. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know, like the strip malls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like an hour and a half outside of Chicago. Yeah. And it was fucking dog shit. And you were, what was the hotel? It was like a Holiday Inn, Best Western. I can't remember, but it was like four highways surrounding it. So you couldn't leave.

Yeah, like eight lane roads in every direction. I tried crossing the road one day and I got halfway to a pavement. And it was so many cars. After like, I think seven minutes, I went back again. I couldn't actually get through. So I was for ten days in a hotel room.

And there were nothing around. Two different places to eat. Yeah, it was a Buffalo Wild Wings. And what was the other place? Some kind of Japanese place. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. It was only me in there, too, when I had my dinner there. But I was like, yeah, just for 10 days. It was quite a lot of time to get in your head and think about the fish.

Right, right, right, right. And we were like, we hit the ground running. Like, we were shooting around the clock. Yeah, because we were, oh my God. Yeah, because we really did. We were working like 14-hour days. Yeah, and then once every couple of days, we'd be like, oh my God, Daniel's at the hotel. Yeah. It felt like home alone. We were like, oh my God. We left Daniel at the hotel all day. But the cast, some of them lived where I was. At night, they would come and they'd be like, oh, it was great. There was so much fun. And, uh...

Which is so funny. Like, why didn't they just let you even just come to set and hang out? I don't get that. I mean, not that you fucking missed anything. They were feeding us dog food, basically. I mean, making a fucking indie movie sucks dick. Like, we love the movie. I'm glad it happened. But you learned so much. Like, we're all comics. We're all comedians who, like, just been performing live for our whole careers.

And I don't know if you guys were the same way, but I definitely had the thought of like, it's a movie. We're going to get on set. And like, you know, not that this is like we're Daniel Day-Lewis or anything, but it's like you'll really figure out the scene. And it's like, no, you have fucking... We rented some fucking, some lady's house. We got to be in and out of there before she calls the cops on us. Like, we got to fucking... We rented this super expensive, like...

green screen place for one thing. It's got to go right. Oh, we got to shoot this. Oh, we'll shoot in the parking lot while we wait for shit. Because we made this movie for so little money compared to how it looks. Usually when you make a movie that's so...

On this low budget, you usually keep it to a couple places, but we fucking wrote a lot of different locations. We had a lot of characters. So it was fucking crazy. But yeah, you fucking felt that we were working and then the catering was just like hysterically bad. It got worse. It was like... Worse and worse. Just little by little every day. Yeah, yeah. Until it got to a breaking point where we were all openly like...

oh my god, it's so bad. I'll kill myself if I have to eat this. And then they would just go get like pizza. But still, it would have been nice to have you on set just to have fun, just to be there, just to see what we were doing. I can't believe you were just in a shitty hotel in a strip mall in like, I don't even remember what part of Illinois with truly nothing. I think it was two hour Uber to Chicago. And it was like a hundred bucks each. Yeah.

So I didn't do that at all. There was a Target down the road. It was very close, but you couldn't get there on foot. I would Uber down there every day. Every day you would go check out the Target? I actually have like hangers and stuff that I bought because I was so bored. So I came back with hangers. That's so fucking funny, dude. But I...

Yeah, no, that was really cool. Yeah. But I noticed that movie was so fast because you shot it in like 28 days, right? Yeah, it was, I think, three weeks. Wow, that's crazy. One, it was six-day week, one six-day week, one five-day week, and then one six-day week. That's right. I think, so yeah, fast. So I felt we had like two takes usually or something. It was crazy, dude, yeah. It was fucking nuts. I mean, like truly...

you learn that it's just like, it's just got to get done. Like acting is like not even like, that's, that's why I respect good actors now. I was like, Oh, how hard is it? You spend all day to try and get a fucking, but it's like, you don't have all day. You have like sometimes two opportunities. We're really like fortunate to that.

everybody we wrote the parts for, like, did the movie. Yes. We wrote... We wrote... With you in mind, we wrote... And we have... The rest of the cast is fucking hilarious, we should say. I mean... Yeah. Eric and Katie, who fucking... Who are the other members of our cult... Mm-hmm.

They're really funny. We were trying to get them. They're in L.A. Hopefully, me and Elvis will be in L.A. doing some Stavis World episodes. We'll get them. But they're really fucking funny. And then we just have a bunch of cameos from hilarious people, too. But if we didn't have really talented people, we'd be so fucked. We had to try and explain the joke to people. We felt like everything was in somebody's sensibility. But yeah.

I mean, we think it's good. Now we're just like, yeah, come on. It was hard and it was tough. Thank God it got done, but go see it. But no, you learn how fucking hard making a movie is. It's fucking ridiculous. Especially for you two because you're in all the scenes. Yeah, that was crazy. I didn't think about that. It really ruined my life, honestly. Yeah.

That was the start of my relapse, for real. We would work for 14-hour days and then just get back, get Taco Bell or kebabs. We would drive McDonald's, something, with our boy, beautiful, with Ben and then Saxon, our beautiful camera operator, who was the man. And we would just get high. I would just get so high I would pass out. And then it would be like, all right.

By the time you know it, time to work another 13, 14 hours and then do it all over again. We still had one car for the four of us. And we all had different call times. I know. It sucked, dick. But it was fun. It was fun to make a movie. It was the best. But it was like, oh, man, we're fucking... I'm just... I had my fast food relapse, man. And I didn't work out because there was no time to work out. And then after that, I went right to...

On the road. And then my special came out in December of that. So it was like, that was what I had to recover from. But hey, it's all worth it because we, it's crazy. It's insane they let us make a movie.

Like, that's fucking wild, dude. Like, you don't get to make movies. So please, if you like a bunch of dumbasses making a movie, if you don't want to see, you know, just the Avengers or whatever the fuck, please go see this movie in theaters, for God's sakes. Maybe they'll let us make another one.

Holy shit, you hear that? Ooh, that's the swishing of nets from the NBA season starting folks. You know I'm a hoops fiend. I don't want to brag. I was, you know, Roland Park Middle School. I was a reserve forward. Basketball is in my blood. And you know what I love more than watching it?

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Yeah, so why don't we take some calls? I'm excited to hear what you boys have to say to our guests here. Hit us with some fun stuff here, Elders.

Sup Stav, sup dad. You fucking dumbass. Sup Stav, sup guest. Nick out here in Kansas is giving you a call. I'm gonna get right to it. Please do. What is your advice for a young blood out here like me, 25 years old, been in a relationship for four years?

and for some reason can't figure out whether I'm about to question or not. All of her friends are getting married. She's a bridesmaid three or four times in one year. Obviously, I've got the fucking knife at my throat to figure this out.

What do you say to a young lad like me? You are a young lad. I think, honestly, 25 might be too young to get married. I think it is. I don't think... I think when I'm 35, I'm not going to agree with half the shit my 25-year-old self's doing right now. So... Kid bites your young gun out here like me. He really likes calling himself a young gun. 25-year-old kid, side of his time or not. But...

Have a great one. I said blood so much. I'm not going to figure it out. He's right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Wes, you got married young as fuck, right? I got married at 24, I think. Yeah. And you were exactly right, my man. Yeah.

By the way, that's not the wife he mentioned going to Amsterdam with. That did not work out. Yeah, like I got married, yeah, 24. I met her at like 19. I still had the braces on. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. This bitch fucked him with the braces on.

But I think it should be illegal to get married. If you're a man, like, before the age of 30, absolutely, it should be law. Like, women mature faster. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's some more leeway there. We'll hear exceptions. Sure. Yeah, but no, it's insane. I mean...

I feel because Kansas, Illinois, you're kind of going through similar, or I'm sorry, Indiana, similar like cultural, like, oh, everybody's getting married at this age. Yeah. And I felt that for sure. Like the culture around me, it was like, it's time to get married. Right. You must. Right. And I was like, I don't want to let everybody down. Right. Right. Very accommodating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it should be illegal and that you should have to, if you want to do it before 30, you should have to go through a series of tests. Well,

Like you should have to fill out paperwork, like applications. Yep. Some hoops. We got to have some hoops you got to jump through. I mean, yeah, you got to think and look.

Also, Wes, you were definitely a guy who was, this was not going to be the life for you. I felt the same thing where I had a college girlfriend when I was 21, 22, or we started dating in college. Then she so clearly wanted to have like get married, have a family, her friends, same thing. Even though Baltimore wasn't like, you know, wasn't like Kansas or whatever. She was just a traditional, she was more traditional. And I knew, I knew that wasn't going

for me. Like I could see what my life was going to be like. I knew I wanted, by that time I knew I wanted to do standup. There was no way I was getting married to fucking, I wasn't going to stay in this relationship. So we, you know, we broke up, whatever, but there is a possibility. This is, this is okay for you. I mean, it works for some people, right? It doesn't sound like he doesn't sound so stoked though. Right, right, right. If you're having these kinds of thoughts already, um,

I mean, dude, you started dating when you were 21? Yeah, four years? I agree that you have to figure this out, but the answer is get married or end this relationship. I mean, and that might be scary too, right? Because you're 21, he probably does really love her, right? Like, you clearly, there's some affection here. He's not just in it for no reason, but it does, you know, all we're going off of is how nervous you sound, right? Like, we don't really have the facts of the case, but...

Everything you're talking about, you've said knife to my... You said knife to my throat. You didn't say like, oh, I feel a little pressure, but she is the love of my life. You were like, I have a knife to my fucking throat. I'm going to die if I don't marry this woman. So...

I wonder how she would describe it with her words. Right, right, right. I'm so beautiful. Yeah, yeah. If she heard this, what do you think she'd think? If she heard you say knife to my throat? And everything he's described has been like societal pressure. It hasn't been... Nothing you've said, buddy, has been about your... You haven't said one positive thing about your girlfriend. You've just said how scared you are and how young you are. And so I think...

You know the answer in your heart. The way you posed this question. I think to even vocalize these kind of thoughts, like for me, it took like two mushroom trips to get to that point. Right, that's right. To gain that perspective. Didn't you get it before because you were on mushrooms? You came to it, didn't you say? Oh yeah, my ex-wife played a mean prank on me when I was on mushrooms. And that was a real breaking point. Yeah. I was like...

That was just cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sent me like a cryptic text message. When she knew you were on mushrooms. Yeah. Like trying to fuck with me and it works. Yeah, that's so fucked up. That's grounds for divorce. Yeah, he needs to do shrooms, right? Oh, that's not a bad idea. You know what?

Actually, yeah, dude. You should do shrooms. Legit shrooms have honestly led me into some actual life breakthroughs. Truly. Absolutely. Which is crazy. You know, this is the kind of podcast you're calling into. But yeah, do shrooms. If you're not ready to pull the trigger on, I honestly think, I'm just going to say fuck this. Just break up with her. Just fucking move to where you want to live. Do you want to be in Kansas? Yes.

What do you want from your life? Truly, now is the moment to figure all this shit out. You don't propose to someone and hope it cut in, figure it out. You really have to sit there, think about what you want your life to look like,

If it does involve this woman, if it does being ready, if you're ready to commit, which again, all of us, nobody on this couch or even in the producer's chair, I'm going to say thinks you are. But if you really think that that's fine, but you have to, now is your time to think about what you want. And by the way,

If when you sit down and think about it, you're like, I don't fucking know. I'm 25 and I've been in this relationship since I was right out of college or in college. That's really valid, but that means you can't marry this woman, right? So that's what you got to do. And yeah, maybe mushrooms is really the way to go. Shout out to mushrooms, man. A mushroom trip got me to take my health seriously. We're down 40 pounds this year, this calendar year. Thank you, Elvis.

Alright, yeah, that guy's fucked. Hey, Stav, Eldest, and any guests I got on. Here's the situation. I am 29. I've been with my girl for coming on 40 years now. She's an amazing girl. Love her. We both understand each other. Open and honest about our sexual tastes and proclivities, let's say. Okay.

Um, but back before I met her, I got dumped by a girl who I was with for five years and I kind of went on a little, uh, little walkabout, sexual walkabout, if you will. Nothing wrong with that. Ended up hooking up with a guy, uh, you know, trying stuff out. Uh,

That's fucking awesome. The problem is, I fucked someone I liked.

And because he wasn't a crazy chick, I could remain friends with him. That's so fucking awesome. Yeah, let's hear the rest of this. I am pumped for the rest of this call. And I've continued to talk to him for like four or five years now. And...

Nice.

But I'm just afraid that me dropping this now after three, four years in a relationship is kind of like a weird bombshell. He's already opened up stuff. The only reason I didn't open up to it was because I was afraid that it would be a deal breaker. But either way, I don't know. What do you guys got on this? You know, should I just keep it? Like, hey, this is my buddy that I just went to school with, which was the thing I told her. I was like, hey, this is my...

We went to suck each other's cocks academy. We went to school. That's the thing I told her. I was like, hey, this is my... They never met, but I'd be like, hey, I'm talking to my buddy Jake. We went to school. We never went to school. I just fucking met him on Grindr one night when I was fucking drinking 18 bucks and, you know, depressed about a relationship ending. But, I don't know. See ya.

See what you got. This is awesome. This guy's so fucking cool, man. And normally we'd be like, if we got this call, if I just read it, I'd be like, oh, there's someone. This is fake, but you hear it in this guy's voice. This is so real. He really fucking met a cool guy who he fucked in the ass and now they just fucking play fucking Madden or whatever the fuck together. We didn't meet at school. We didn't meet at school. I was on Grindr.

Okay, I mean, number one, this is fucking hilarious, but number two, look, if your girl is like a freak...

She probably loved, she would probably love this. This is like, if she's a bi girl, you know how fucking, how much cred a bi girl dating a straight guy, if she gets to sneak you into the category of even sort of gay, big win amongst her bisexual friends. You know what I mean? That's, I really think like some women, don't get me wrong.

Some women who act cool about, like, you know, being allies or whatever, they would hate this. They would. There are women out there who are secretly more conservative than they let on, for sure, right? This girl does not seem like that to me, right? Like, she seems like she would probably love the fact that you got your dick sucked and maybe you even sucked a little dick. And even you being nervous about it

It's understandable, right? This guy clearly is dealing with... He's clearly a little bi. And he's having a hard time coming to terms with that. And so I think you're a little...

That's the only reason you didn't open up. Why would this be a deal breaker? I think it's because he likes the other guy so much. As a friend, you mean? Yeah, I think he thinks... Like, if he wasn't in his life, he would have been like, oh, yeah, look, I also fuck the guy. But, like, you're right. That's true. That does complicate things. Really, this other dude makes him so happy. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you should date this guy. I think that's where the issue is. He's over the moon about it. Must be our Mason Guider. Yeah. No, I will say the other guy must be pretty cool. Think about when you randomly hook up with someone and then you know sex, continue to be friends. That's a very cool person. Straight or gay. Yeah.

There's no girl that I hooked up with that I was like, you know what? I don't want any pussy. I just want to get lunch. You know what I mean? Like, this guy's fucking cool. But I think you might actually be onto something here, Daniel, too, because maybe this guy... And we're completely armchair psychologists here, but is there something to...

It was a... You're like, it's a one-time thing. Clearly, you have a little shame about this. Otherwise, he would have told his girlfriend about it. Mm-hmm.

Is there an element of this where it's like he kind of does want to be a little more gay and he can't open up about that to his girlfriend? Like, does he have any kind of romantic feelings here for the guy? Or even if they're not serious, if let's say you were in an open relationship with your girlfriend, would you occasionally get the odd suck off from your pal here or there? Maybe, you know what I mean? But...

That's all we can only that's all conjecture on our part dealing with his actual question The fact that it's a friend is a little weirder right like even if you take let's just let's make it a straight situation purely straight where it's like if I had a friend who I hooked up with once like a girl that we hooked up we started dating yeah, we used to we used to we hooked up once and then I was like I wasn't feeling it, but she's cool, and I brought her around my girlfriend and

it just never was the right time to tell her we hooked up and now it's four years later and you're like you have to tell her hey that we it was one thing like that's that's just weird in and of itself let alone the like element of him i actually feel like the fact that it's a guy makes that part a little easier if you truly are if it truly was a one-time thing you're like look i

I had a little, I was kind of in my wild phase. I hooked up with this guy. Wasn't for me. He was a chill bloke, though. Like, that actually is not that hard to explain. In fact, you know him, and he's here. In fact, yeah. We didn't go to school. We met at a glory hole.

there was just something about those lips on the other end of that glory hole. I was like, that's a pair of lips I could drink a beer with, not just get my dick sucked by. And we only kissed through the glory hole. Yeah, I never looked into his eyes while he sucked my dick. So it was pretty straight if you think about it. And I was looking at a picture of a chick the whole time. Oh my.

So, yeah, I don't know. I think our caller here has a little shame, some internalized homophobia a little bit. If you think that's a deal breaker, but you've talked about how open and you guys are both kind of freaky, it sounds like, in this relationship. Mm-hmm.

This is nothing to a freaky bitch, dude. This is absolutely... Again, freaky girls, bi girls would love to be able to drop in a conversation. You know, my boyfriend actually fucked a man. See, I actually think for some women that's a positive. And this might be one of them, the type of girl you're talking about, former orgy sex club girl. But either way, I think you should come... Just get it off your chest because it's an opportunity to like...

not keep anything from your girl, right? Like you guys are, you're clearly in a serious relationship. You really care about her. You shouldn't have a deep, dark thing, especially when it's not a big deal. It's really not. You hooked up with somebody and then you stayed friends with them. That's not that fucking crazy. That happens to a lot of people, dude. So, you know, I think you're good here. I think you've built it up. And I think,

Given... I'm taking what you're saying for granted here, that you and your girl are this open with each other. And I think this would actually be a really nice moment for you where you get something off your chest, you realize it's not a big deal, you were building it up for no real reason, and the shit's good. And then, you know, maybe you tell her about it, she's like, oh, really, that's hot. Can I watch you get your dick sucked by him? And then maybe you guys can all fuck. Who knows? I don't know how freaky the relationship is, but...

A lot of options here, and that is awesome. You know when people say it's hard to make friends as an adult? This guy really figured it out. This guy got his dick sucked and got a buddy. He didn't have to join a dodgeball league or anything. Oh, fuck, that's a great call. Hi, Savvy. I'm calling, I guess, because I need a male opinion. So I'm 27 and, like,

you know, living in the same world that you're living in or whatever. Okay. That's true. I can't get over how much, like, what's hot from women has changed from, like, Kim Kardashian looking, like, fat ass and, like, thick thighs and stuff. Nice. Which I'm equipped with to now it's, like, heroin chic is back in where it's, like, skinny, tiny girls.

No. Are you fucking kidding me?

Jesus Christ. What have we done to women? We got a bitch with big tits and a fat ass wondering if people will fuck her?

I'm so sorry about society, man. This is fucking crazy. But we'll finish your call. But Jesus, yeah, you're fine. Let's finish the call. I do have some thoughts on how cyclical all this stuff is, but let's completely hear out. But just the sentence, are there still men out there that like women with tits and butts? Yes, there are. Let's finish the rest of the call.

turning 27 is like your body changes and like I think in good ways. Hell yeah. It's milfier. But it just seems like nobody wants I don't know it just seems like everyone wants like super like flat everything so that they just look like children or something and like

you know, wear little lacy socks and stuff versus like dressing like a woman. And like, I get the appeal because it's like dominance or whatever, but like women like to be dominated. I don't know. Like just what's, what do men and also do men really care about like

Like, I have curly hair and I damaged it so many years for straight... What's going on? Pause this. Is this a girl that's just trying to get me to fuck her? I mean, this is everything I've talked about I like. She's like, oh, I have big fat tits, fat ass and curly hair. I've been on the rec... What are you, redhead half Asian also? What the fuck's going on here? I mean, this is insane. She's checking everything off. Anyway, keep going. This is fucking nuts.

Like, I have curly hair, and I damaged it so many years for straight... Like, do guys, like, really look at tiny details of, like, oh, wow, she really did her eyebrows really well, and, like... Because that's changed, too. It used to be really thin, like, arched eyebrows, and now it's, like, full eyebrows. Like, the women have just gone insane with their standards of changing things. Yeah. And it's hard to, like, keep track to know what is, like...

Like, do men's standards change with the times? Like, at the same rate that women's standards for themselves are changing, I guess? I don't know. I guess any advice regarding that would be cool. I don't even really know what I asked, but... Yeah, thank you. You're doing a really great job. I love your comedy, and you're hilarious, and this podcast is awesome. Not awesome. It's just awesome. And hi to the...

dis respects eldest too i mean this is my dream girl fat tits curly hair doesn't even know eldest's name text her back ask her to go out with me eldest jesus christ um okay so there's some interesting first of all number one god damn it's hard being a woman man it's like this lady's like she's so worried about

And I do, there is some, I mean, she is not wrong. I have definitely seen a little bit more of the like, there seems to be, you know, celebrities are getting skinny again in a weird way. People have said it's something about how

Surge, like, getting a BBL and fake tits is now, like, affordable. And once it became affordable for people, like, now rich people are like, well, the hard thing is to be skinny. And now that's... It's always like, you know... And you see it. The Kardashians are on fucking Ozempic, probably. Their tits aren't as big. Like... And I also know the thing she's saying about the... There is a little bit of that, like...

You know, the lacy sock. I know what she's talking about. I've seen a little bit of that about the, you know, style-wise or whatever. Girls are kind of being, there's a version of being super feminine that's kind of out there, it seems. The good news is, when it comes to fashion, when it comes to trends, when it comes to anything, men are 10 years behind. So even if this were true, right? And it's half true, right?

It's not getting to guys for 10 years. And then the even better news is that tits... Tits are never going out of style. I'm sorry. This is a currency that is... It's like gold. No matter where you go, tits will always be... That money spends anywhere. Okay? That's very important to know. And yes...

Gay guys will not say you ate anymore, right? The definition of what's serving cunt, now it's being skinny. Like, gay guys won't review your outfits and be like, wow, she's awesome. Straight guys will continue to fuck you until the end of time. There's nothing to worry about. What you're worried about is culture at large. And I also do think there's a little bit of a... I don't... I do think, like...

The idea of body acceptance and body positivity, that's not going anywhere, right? So even if like, even if like hairstyles and dressing styles, whatever, people are more accepting of all types of bodies. And you happen to have a body type that I promise you is not going fucking, is not going out of style. But I don't know. Like, have you guys noticed any of the stuff she's talking about? Like, I never heard a thing that you should dress like a child.

Also, who is making the trends? That's not... Gay guys. Gay guys. And like social media too. It's like it's happening faster and faster. And it's like impossible to keep up with. Yeah, absolutely. So don't even... Just be yourself. Just be yourself. You're clearly a little neurotic too, but particularly what you're worried about is just...

I don't know. It's mass culture trends. It is not interpersonal relationships, right? It is not... And you're right too, Wes, where things are changing so fast that kind of... It's almost like, well, now no one can actually keep up. So it's almost freeing in that...

A lot of people are just going to find your personal niche, find your personal style, find how you feel comfortable dressing. If you want to take elements from what's popular, you're like, oh, I kind of like that. Maybe I'll do that. But you just have to be...

in your own skin comfortable, as cliche as it is, you have to just find a thing that works for you and maybe you can change it at the margins, right? Like, you know, you can wear a lacy sock or whatever. I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but I definitely have seen like, I guess it's called, I've seen people posting about like a

Some kind of aesthetic. Like, they name a different aesthetic every, like, you know, like soft girl aesthetic or like, I mean, it used to be like trad wife aesthetic. Now, maybe the thing she's talking about is like a coquette aesthetic. I think I've seen like, but it's just shit that I don't even feel like is a,

It's like, I think it comes and goes in like two weeks or so, right? Yeah, it's so fast. She seems to be one of the first to have these concerns. Right, right, right. Maybe your biggest problem is how plugged in you are, right? Like you see this stuff, but yeah. The dangers that are looming. Yeah, that are coming just around the bend. Don't straighten your hair. Like that's a perfect example though, right? Getting damage to your hair because you're trying to fit in. Hmm.

Figure out a way to live and dress that makes you feel good and comfortable and people will be out there for it. What were you going to say, Elders? I was going to say, too, there's like so many different ways to be hot. Like there might be like more prevailing standards at any given time. But like, you know, look back at any era of like celebrities. You'll find celebs of like all different types from like the 60s and 70s who are like skinny or a little, you know, thicker or whatever. And they're just like, you know.

There's just like, you know, guys really don't care about like standards. Men definitely don't care. It's like if a girl's hot, she's just hot. It doesn't matter like what type of body she is. There's just like something that, you know, you want to fuck. Amen. Well, so beautifully put, Eldest. Sometimes women are just something that you want to fuck. And they can be skinny or they can have big ass tits.

And I do think the other thing to realize is that, like, trying to keep up with trends is just a losing proposition, right? Yeah. Like, it's... And also, it's like, you're... I'm not saying you're old in any sense, but didn't you say she's 27? You should stop caring about this shit right around this age, right? Like, hopping on the trends, like... You put your time in. Yeah, in your 20s, it's like, you're keeping up with all this shit. It's like, just...

You're a little in your head. It's clear you're a little nervous about this shit, but like you're trying to keep up. No one will ever keep up.

People drive themselves fucking crazy keeping up. Even people that are keeping up with it have fucking stylists, have assistants, have... It's impossible to do it yourself. Every celebrity that you're like, I love how they dress, they pay someone whose job is to find outfits all day. Jeff Goldblum has a fucking stylist. He didn't become fashionable at fucking 60. You know what I mean? Like, the same thing with every hot woman. It's like their team is...

It's insane. You're not competing against... People say we have all the same 24 hours in the day. No, we fucking don't. People with assistants have... That's three more fucking hours a day. They have a chef. That's fucking two more hours a day. They have a fucking maid. That's two more hours a day. You're competing with these trends that are insane...

Find some shit that's comfy for you. You've got some very good things going for you in terms of... That's the thing. You're not even like, I'm busted. You're not saying I'm an ugly-ass bitch. You're like, I have huge tits and a fat ass. What is this? Do I have to be skinny? It's like, the truth is we do live in a cruel world where if you are ugly, life is harder. You're not ugly, it sounds like. You know what I mean? You got...

You're just worried about exactly crushing trends. No one keeps up with trends. By the way, even if you were fucked up looking, I think a big part of this show is the best thing you can do is self-acceptance. My whole thing now, obviously, it's easier when you're a man. I'm ugly and fat as shit. My life's awesome. You know what I mean? But just accept yourself. You're good.

Don't try and keep up with this shit. And yeah, hilarious, hilarious fear to have. I want Eldest, I want you to do like a picture of you, like a really nice portrait and then get the quote you said in cursive. Like put it like, this is something that you want to fuck. Eldest Sula. We got to start doing that. The eldest quote of the episode. We should have.

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Recently turned 30. I'm trying to get my life back on track. And I started working out hard in the gym five days a week, two hours each morning. It's been good for my mental health. It's been good, you know, me and my wife feel healthier and pushing her to be healthier. And it's nice all around. One problem that I've noticed from it, though, is that I am horny all the time now.

I was already horny before, but now I cannot get through the day without masturbating two to three times a day. And if I don't masturbate, I feel like it affects my mood. I get anxious or I'll get a little, you know, angry at the small things. And if it goes on longer than a couple days, I just get straight up depressed.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I used to take antidepressants and one side effect that I noticed is that my dick didn't really work. I hated how I felt on it, but I'm seriously considering going back on it just to get the monster back in the cage. Jesus Christ. Any advice would be much appreciated. Love you guys. Holy fuck. This man is afflicted. He's dangerously horny. He's dangerously horny. How long did he say he's been working out?

Like, he just started recently turned 30. I'm trying to get my life back on track, and I started working out hard in the gym five days a week, two hours each morning. Great. Yeah, I mean, damn. You might even out, but, I mean, don't chemically castrate yourself. Like, don't go on a fucking pill you hated to make your dick soft. Well, it could be different, though, now that he's in a different body now. Right, right, right. Maybe it would affect him differently. True. That's true. Interesting.

That's true. But I think part of this is if this is relatively new, I do think this will level out. I do think there's something to just getting a little healthier. All your hormones are a little like you're just activated. You're not as depressed. Things aren't tamped down. Yeah, I mean, hopefully this evens out. I don't know what to tell you. Way too horny. And he's working out two hours a day going to work.

Beating off at work? And then trying to fuck his wife when he gets home? That's crazy, dude. You're 30. Dad style. Begging wife for sex. What if I do the dishes? Angry because his dick is so hard it makes him angry at the little things. I mean, wild, dude. Two to three times a day. This level of being horny is kind of crazy.

Has he lost weight or is this just the working out? I guess he hasn't said it. I assume there's some weight loss or something. I mean...

You know, I would say for starters, well, just keep beating off a couple times a day. That's not that big of a deal, you know? Like, work out in the morning. Beat off when you wake up, either before or after your workout. Beat off once a night. If you're beating off at the office, you should probably, like, try to reel that in. But, you know, if you must, you must. Take a long lunch. Do what you got to do. Yeah. But it's like, you know.

Yeah, just keep beating yourself off, holding yourself up. I mean, I would ask him, what does he want the solution to be? Yeah, you can't fuck your wife three times a day.

Like, be realistic here. You can fuck your wife a little more than you're currently fucking her, but you're both adults with fucking busy schedules. Like, you don't get to fuck the way you did in college. So what is your endgame here? Like, do you want to fuck your wife daily or something? Is that, like, you know, realistic for time and shit? Start there. And I don't know. I think it will just kind of, like, level out. It sounds like this...

It sounds like he's sort of replacing his antidepressants with exercise. So it does seem like all of very new... He's going through something very chemical. Right. And it's like a perfect storm of shit. So getting off the antidepressants that killed his boners...

That might have just done it on its own. You're right, Al. This is two big things, right? Off antidepressants and actually work. Because I've been working out and I definitely feel like a sense of... I'm not as fucking horny as this guy. I'm probably much fatter than him too. But it definitely makes you feel like more in touch with like your... Like just chemically... You're using your body the way it's supposed to be used. Like I just feel...

more is all I can say, right? Like by exercising more and by losing some weight, hormones are, you know, you get more bang for your buck. But yeah, you're right. Combining that with getting off the off antidepressants, that's... He sounds like an X-Man right now. Yeah, yeah. So strong in all types of ways. Yeah. This is so honest. Like, you couldn't even say this to your therapist. Yeah.

It's true. That's what we're here for, dude. That's the service we provide. So, yeah, man, I mean, I think Eldis is right. I think you have to keep beating off. And I think you also have to realize, like, I mean, how long has this been going on? Give yourself a little time to level out, get used to the new normal. If you're still this dangerously horny, it's like, what's the solution? Because even if you're, he doesn't, like, you know, we get the call all the time where it's a guy lost weight and he's,

Or just anyone is trying to get permission for... He wants our permission to cheat. He's not real... This could be the preamble to that a little bit. The like, oh, I'm so horny, my wife won't fuck me. But even if you were to cheat, you would have to be compulsive to satisfy this level of urges. Like, it's not like you can get a fucking... You'd have to like...

A mistress doesn't solve this. You would have to cheat and then probably frequent sex workers. Like, you would have to... To scratch this itch, truly...

would be a problem. And so I would say give yourself a little time to let the chemicals balance out. And if this is still going on, then we're not talking, we're talking about something pathological. Like this is a level of horny that's not just chemical if you keep it up over like two to three months. And beating off this much and even wanting to fuck that much

Is there something psychological going on that you need to talk about? What's triggering this if it's not just the gym? It might just be the gym, and in which case, you know. You can dial up, do an hour each morning. Yeah, two hours is kind of, and maybe. Do the rock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he says he was already horny before. Right, he does say he was a horny guy. So maybe there is. It seems like whatever he does, if he tries to better his life, that's always a side effect. Hmm.

To just get even more. Yeah. Yeah. Gets hornier. You're right. So, yeah. Already a horny guy to begin with. So, yeah, dude. I don't know. Maybe I, you know, do you want to go to therapy and talk about why your dick is so hard? Maybe legitimately. Yeah.

Because beating off multiple times a day, you're talking about middle school levels of horny, dude. That's crazy, especially at 30. That's kind of nuts. I'm sorry. Two to three times is not even that many times a day. Every fucking day? I don't know. What are you talking about? If he works from home or something, that's nothing. You beat off three times a day? If I work from home, yes. Which, by the way, you do. Yeah.

If I work from home, it's not a crazy thing to have a day where I beat off like three times. A day that can get away from you. This guy's talking about it's the normal elders. What are you talking about? You don't beat off three times. You don't average three ejaculations a day.

I don't know. Not every day, but it's just not that crazy or something. It's kind of. If he's at home all day. Oh, but if you don't beat off, you get angry? Yeah, would you get angry? That's the question. Would you get really angry if you didn't?

Not angry, but maybe antsy or something. All right, give us a real, because I think one a day is kind of like, okay, if you beat off once a day, that's totally normal. Totally normal. Although some people might find that to be a lot, right? Like every single day. But look, one a day, I'm giving you no questions asked.

Two, I'm hearing an argument, but I think we're getting a little weird. Three, no way for a man who's 30 is regularly jacking off three times normal. It just is not, Eldis. I'm sorry. Now, I'm not saying you can't have a three-day.

You certainly have a three-day. You have a two-day. I totally get it. But that's a lot. That's fucking crazy. All right. And also, you recently spent the night at my house for over five days. And you told me you didn't jack off because you had no private space for those five days. And you did not seem very antsy to me. I didn't jack off in those days. But that's because we're very busy. We're keeping busy with a lot of work stuff, a lot of activities. Yeah.

So that gets your mind off it. Right. Breaking a lot of dishes. I'm just saying this guy's talking about he's working out and going to work. Doesn't that sound busy? He's talking about he's got to jack off multiple times a day. Something's wrong. Something's fucking wrong here, and he's got to get to the bottom of it. That's all I'm saying. All right. Fair.

Eldest fucking saying he jacks off three times a day. And let's take it to the panel here. What do you guys think about the frequency of jacking off? What's a normal number? That sounds like a lot. Yeah. Three is a lot. Thank you. Three is a lot. Yeah. Thank you. I'm not saying I do do it every single day.

I'm saying it's not that crazy. If you work from home. Look, we just had this argument. We're not having it again cyclically. I'll get off the how many times can you beat off hill. But yeah, dude, I don't know. I honestly think you might want to talk about your... Because you're right. He said he's a horny guy to begin with.

This might not be a bad thing to talk to a therapist about, sexual stuff like this. I think you're out of the realm of normal horniness. But anyway, who's to say? What else we got, Big LD? Hey, Stav, big fan of the show. Just have a real kind of weird question to ask. So recently I went on a wine date. Could I recently? Not recently, but...

I got out of a long-term relationship this year. We were getting a girl who had been together about four years. And so my friend set up a blind date with a girl she knew that she thought I'd like a lot. And we met, and we hit it off. The date was great. You know, we haven't fucked. That's important because personality-wise, we get along great. We have a lot of same interests.

10 times the humor main problem is she looks just like my sister and i'm not saying like oh they have similar hair colors or eye color like you put those two next to each other and they are like oh that's carbon and i don't know how to deal with that like it was like i like the girl personality-wise like we get along great but it is a very

Yeah. No. Yeah.

You can't. I mean, this is crazy. You can't fuck someone that looks like your sister. What are we talking about here? Unless this girl like shaves her head or something. She's got to make extreme changes to her appearance. But you're saying they look just like each other? And you're even considering. What if you have to fuck her? You're going to be looking at someone who looks just like you. I mean, this is fucking weird, dude. If you wanted to do this, that would be so fucked up.

This is crazy. You can't do that. That's nuts. Not only that, then every time you see your sister after that. Yeah. That's... That really is... That's fucking weird, dude. It's hard to say without seeing them side by side like he's saying.

No, it isn't. Don't you think this could be something, like, could this be something that's in his mind? And in his mind, they just have, like, certain features that remind him exactly of each other. But to an outside... Who cares? Is the outside guy going to fuck her? No. I guess that would make it worse, now that I'm saying it. Yeah.

If they don't look alike and he's just like, she looks just like my sister. Yeah, dude. I mean, this guy... Okay, this shows you how little pussy this guy's gotten that he's even considering doing this. That he's like, I just got out of a relationship. His friend set him up on a blind date, clearly trying to get him back out there. And he's just so desperate for pussy that he's like...

Yeah, I could fuck a girl that looks like my sister. Like, you can't do this. I want to know, did the friend, does the friend know the sister? True. The friend is in the wrong here. That's true. Maybe, maybe not. I mean, you know, I could see a friend not knowing exactly what, you know what I mean? Like, there's some friends I know who, they don't know what my brothers look like. You know what I mean? Like, they've heard of, you know, they know that. You know, I tell stories about them, but they don't, and even if they've met them, it's not like they have it.

you know, their mind, it's burned into them. So I could see that. But I think what's going on here is that you just need to get, this is a good, this is actually good for you because it shows you how bad you want to fuck, that you're willing to consider fucking someone that looks like your blood sister. This is even, if she looked like a stepsister, we're back in business. That's actually weird and hot. Like the fact that it's like, it looks like a stepsister, not a stepsister.

You can't do this, but you need to stay out there. That's what this is to me. And, yeah. He doesn't say if he's attracted to her either. I think it's... He is, though, is the weird thing. So he is attracted to the girl? He said it? Well, he said he wants to go on another date personality-wise. So he really likes her? And he's clearly thinking about fucking her.

Like he's already thought about it, right? And he's like, can I? So it's like he's putting it through the program. He's putting it through the can I fuck this woman program. So yeah. He seems like he's quite up for it, to be honest. Yes. It's just run a second opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's kind of downplaying. He's like, I find it weird. I definitely am not harder than I've been in years at the prospect of fucking someone that looks like my sister.

You can't do this. This is fucked up. Sucks that she's cool. It does. It sucks that if her personality was in a different woman, you would like to date her. But I think some things are too fucking weird. Now, I don't have a sister. Eldest, what would you do in this situation?

I don't know. I mean, I've never been through it. So I don't really know. You're the man today, dude. Three times is normal. And who's to say if I fuck my sister's doppelganger, but you're being honest. You can't really tell until you're face to face with the, with the gun in your face, how you're going to react. Um,

Yeah, I vote this is crazy. You can't do this. That's just weird on a basic human level. What do you got? You got something nice for us here, Eldest? What's up, Stav? First time, long time, you know the whole thing. So not really a problem, more of just like a how do I go about it problem. Satanist girl, love her, definitely going to marry her, love my wife, she's awesome.

But before we were dating, I was seeing this girl who was just a fucking freak in the bed. And I'm not saying the sex is bad, the sex is great. It's really just with blowjobs. I'm not hogging. I don't have a fucking crazy dick or anything. But she, like, barely puts it all the way in her mouth. I feel like she's just not trying that hard. Like, how do I...

Oh, man. Okay, let's relax. What do you say? He's like, what kind of guy? Like a Pac-Man guy? Oh, I see. Yeah.

How do I get my soon-to-be wife to suck my cock better? An interesting quandary. Your fans are quite weirdos. Yeah. Well, we like to have open and honest lines of communication. And so they feel very comfortable. Yeah.

Now, look, I see where this guy's coming from, right? You know, you want to be able to get top-notch head from your wife. I think it's a losing proposition to compare to an ex or even somebody. It doesn't even sound like you dated. Like, there's a reason you're not with someone who's that good at sucking dick, bro. Like, there's a reason the freak...

Thing just fell apart right like there's a reason for that so it's unfair to highlight her best attributes versus a person who you know is Better in every other single way. It's like yeah, okay What are you gonna do so you don't get everything and especially if you said the sex is good now? It sounds like you want us to teach you how to be good at fucking I

Like, what, what am I supposed to tell you how to fuck your wife? You got to figure that out, pal. It's definitely a possibility. You can definitely get better head from a woman who fears you in the bedroom. Not fears, but you know what I mean? Not fears, but like you're, he clearly, he's like, how do I get her to gag and fucking gargle on? And that made me uncomfortable because it's like, that's how you're supposed to talk to her when her dick is in your mouth, when your dick is in her mouth. Yeah.

Don't talk to me that way. Say that when your dick is in her mouth. Then maybe it might happen. But you can't be timid with your wife and a big shot around on the voicemail at Stobby's World. Apply some of that gumption to her and I think you'd like what you find. But my guess is you're being timid about the whole thing.

And, yeah, I don't know. I wonder how he talks to her in real life, his wife. Yeah. That'd be super polite and sweet. For sure, for sure. And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's also like if you want...

this kind of behavior, if you want that level of getting your dick sucked, you might have to earn it from some people. Like some women, yeah, they're virtuosos. Sometimes it's LeBron. Put whoever you want on that team. He's going to be incredible. But other people are not so good. They need to be coached up. You know what I mean? Your wife is clearly not a dick-sucking phenom, but she can be a systems player. So

surround her build a team of support around her you have to be she's got to be a game manager at sucking dick you got to put all the elements there for her so that she's good at sucking dick you might have to walk her through it whatever be more vocal about what you want but again I cannot make you fuck your wife better you have to do that

He should also just talk to her. You know, you don't have to start with like dirty talk like when you're mid-fuck, especially if you don't do that regularly. Right, that would be so funny. Just have like a candid conversation. Be like, I think we could spice things up. What do you think? And just start from there. Yeah, absolutely. Can we try some stuff? I've been thinking that I'm kind of a Pac-Man guy.

guy yeah yeah and i want that hawk too uh can you paint your whole face yellow and suck my dick and go while you do it yeah uh i think that's the answer here there's no i don't know what else to tell this guy talk to your wife talk to your wife be better fucking her uh and that's really it um

Something to go out on, Eldest? What do you think? Yeah, this is kind of more of an anecdote. It ties into something we brought up earlier with Daniel. I'll just let you guys hear it and respond. I love it. So, bros, I'm going to try this again. I went to Norway during college for a study abroad program.

thing for like six months and while I was over there most of our most of my friends ended up being other exchange students. I have a question about an Albanian that I met over there. Oh man. His name, which you should probably bleep, was something like that. And he had to leave probably about a month and a half into the whole semester

because he had to go back to Albania to deal with a court case because he had stabbed a guy. And I asked him about it, and I was like, you know, I heard you stabbed a guy, but you're obviously, you know, you don't seem to be a violent person or, you know, out of control. So what happened? He's like, well, this guy was trying to fight my brother, and so I stabbed him. And I was like...

Expecting a little more of a story than that. No, I was like, okay what you know, did your brother have a knife and He's like no like did that guy have a knife? He's like no like so so this guy Trying to get in a fistfight with your brother. So you stab me he's like fuck. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Okay, cool Well, good luck man, and I just figured I would probably not see him and he would be going to jail in Albania and

instead of coming back, but he did come back. - Wow. - He was gone for about a week and he was like, cleared of all charges, didn't need to deal with it anymore.

We all went out and partied, and he didn't do anything too crazy the whole time anyway. So my question is, is this like a normal part of Albanian culture? You can be a normal guy and then occasionally stab someone who's trying to get in a fight with your brother. Do I need to do anything in the future to screen for Albanians that I meet for how likely they are to...

whip a knife out in any given situation. That's awesome. Just kind of point me in the right direction on this because I don't have much experience with Albanians.

You have one that's remarkably well-trained. Thank you. So I figured I'd give you a call and catch your thoughts on this. Thanks. I mean, why do you think Stav needs me on the road? It ain't to set up some fucking cameras. It's to look in the crowd for those people looking at him funny. Eldest has a knife on him at all times. This is awesome. Yeah, he went to... Well, the thing you don't realize is he went to Albanian court, but what that entailed was he had to mud wrestle the other guy.

And so he probably just beat him in a nude mud wrestling contest and was then absolved of all charges. So that's kind of the traditional Albanian judicial system. So that's probably why he got off scot-free. But I don't know. This is a very stabbing culture.

I've never heard of a stabbing, but I wouldn't be surprised if I heard some tale from my relatives abroad that involved a stabbing or something. I don't know. The courts also seem like kind of loosey-goosey in general. Sure, sure. Yeah, who knows what... I mean, I'm sure it wasn't mud wrestling, but...

Maybe, you know, maybe there was a little envelope of money. Maybe there was even some skipping the whole thing and no one followed up or something. Going back to Norway. Sure, sure, sure. I don't know. I haven't heard of any. Well, yeah, it's like feasible, but I don't know. Interesting.

Is it violent over there? People fucking... Because I know in England they'll stab each other. I remember when I was a kid, they were like people who had knives, but they figured out where you could stab someone without hurting them. There's a specific spot on the side.

Very polite. That's where they would stab you? It wouldn't cause damage? Yeah. And they were just trying to rob you, I guess? When we fight at a school, there was a rule. You couldn't hit in the face. It was body blows. I honestly like that, though. Because it's like, look, kids are going to fight. Just don't hit each other in the face. Fuck each other up in the body. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, is there... What's the... Is there like...

a dangerous part of town like what's the most criminal what's the is it like a crime you're known for is there a drug you there's a lot of heroin heroin oh classic that's the big one yeah yeah yeah that's a good one of the big ones yeah yeah i think cocaine is like a recent thing because i heard now that it's like more clubs that's like more new in norway interesting but i think if someone that

Yeah, maybe you should keep a distance. From the Albanian stabber? Yeah. Like, be a guy you wouldn't want to wound him up or anything. I agree with that. Yeah, don't wind up. Get him, like, agitated. Yeah.

Well, it's nice to get these first-person reports of Albanian dogs across the world. Thank you for calling in. If you know of an Albanian criminal, please let us know so we know to avoid. But, you know, we're happy everything turned out well for your friend over there. Well, guys, I think that's going to do it for us. Thanks for coming. This was fucking awesome. Guys, please watch the movie.

uh all three of us are in it baby me and wes wrote it with our friend ben who directed it and we have there's a ton of funny people in the movie um that make you know robert kelly joe perra uh cm punk phil brooks is in this movie he was fucking great um just you know you're gonna love it george mccullough yeah he was very funny he's very funny in his role we had we had a ton of well

A ton of very funny people popping in. You're going to love it. And it was just a fun, dumb comedy. Please check it out. And anything else you guys want to plug? Anything, you know? No? Nothing. Fuck it. Just the movie. Yeah, watch that movie. Get to theaters. Get to theaters. Go see it. Date night. And don't forget, you do the popcorn trick.

You send us the hollowed out popcorn bucket or the hole in a popcorn bucket and a stub, and you are entered to win a $40 gift card to Chili's. Maybe wrap it in a freezer Ziploc bag so I don't have to touch a buttery or jizzy box. Sure, maybe. Whatever. That's up to you. You know, whatever. Dealer's choice. But that's our promise to you. Enter the box.

Enter the let's start a cult popcorn bucket challenge today and when possibly up to... You know, we're going to change it in honor of the Buffalo Wild Wings at the hotel that we stayed at and we had dinner at once the cast. It will be $50 to Buffalo Wild Wings if you do the butter popcorn shriek at our movie. Um...

Thanks, guys, and we will see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you.