#95 - Kyle Dunnigan
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Welcome everybody to Stobbies World. 904-800-STOB. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We got Kyle Dunnigan on the couch today. Kyle. Yes. Thanks for coming, dog. No problem. I live four miles away. It took me an hour to get here. That's where you work with? I actually had a lot to do in the car, like phone calls. Nice. So I took care of it. Yeah. Thanks for having me. A nice smooth hour. Yeah.

I had stuff. I mean, it wasn't like serious health issues, but I kept the time. It just didn't work out. The first time you were just like, oh, wait, dude, I'm just not in New York anymore.

Remember that was the first oh was it? I think I remember there was an eye issue. Oh, yes. Yeah, there was a weird eye issue. Yeah. You gotta know when it's that weird. That's right. You gotta know that's true. I felt like you totally I didn't want you to think I was blowing you off because I really wanted to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it like seemed It was too specific to be a blow off situation. But then you go reverse like is he being too specific because he knows that seems like not a lie. But I was like that's what happened. But you can only catch that in once.

I cashed three times. That's all I think I had. That's all right. Anyway, they were all truths. Podcast, dude, I don't respect podcasting at all. In fact, I remember the one time you texted me, then you canceled. I was like, dude, thank you. Yeah, that's right. Because it felt like, I was like, dude, because I can't, it sucks. The only negative of becoming your own boss, essentially, is that you can never get a surprise day off.

You set the calendar. That's interesting, right? And then if I wake up one day and I don't feel like working, it's like, well, this fucking idiot's got to, I got to tell him he has to come. I've already booked the podcast. So you being like, you canceling was like, holy shit, this is awesome. It's a snow day. Thank you, Kyle.

Kyle, thank you. We'll do a bullshit podcast with one of my friends that's not as funny, but they live right here and I don't have to care at all. We'll figure it out. That is being your own boss. I learned this, that

do 10 minutes. I got it on my phone, set it alarm for 10 minutes and do a thing and then set the alarm because it's amazing how you fritter away and your subconscious will trick you into not realizing you're frittering. I know it's a whole thing. Yeah, I mean, the second I do one thing, I'm like, whoa, doing shit is awesome. I gotta fucking, I said literally like, I was eating, like I just fucking sent one email and then I was like, look at me go. Another email and then another email and then it was like time to do the podcast. I'm like, well, this is,

That's the work I'll be doing today. Three emails and a podcast, but it felt good, man. Yeah, people in our office will send four emails out before, you know. I used to love, I used to, oh, I didn't do shit. It was awesome. Offices, you could do nothing, though. That's the thing. There's so much more. I guess that's true. Did you have real jobs? I had one that I didn't do anything. I had one that I had. I was just, you know, I was a receptionist. I was constantly viewed. Ah.

Phone calls. Svenska Handelsbanken. Yeah. You know the building in New York that's like, they kind of wedge the top? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the company? It was Svenska Handelsbanken. Oh, that's what it was? And I got the job. I was a temp. Okay. And they wanted something to sound Swedish. Really? Because it was an international bank. So, like, my audition for this...

Swedish bank was to go, Svenska handelsbanken. I'm like, oh, you sound Swedish. That's good. Hilarious. What if they start speaking to you in fucking Swedish? What's that? What if they start speaking to you? Everyone... These calls are coming in from Sweden mainly. So I go, Svenska handelsbanken. They go, here. I don't speak English. Please hold. Svenska handelsbanken. I don't speak English. Svenska handelsbanken. I don't speak English. It was a disaster. So they barely thought about...

They just wanted someone to sound the part but didn't think about the implication. Yes. And they never corrected it or thought. I worked there for two years. Two years? And my HR lady, she would take two fingers and she would jab. She would walk by me and jab my side. To correct your posture? No, just hands. She was like flirting with me. Oh, interesting. The HR woman. Yeah, and she was like, I'm a born again virgin. That's what she told me.

You know what? Respect. Respect. Because it's like, I love that because it's like a cop. Like, what are you going to do if a cop is trying to assault you? They're going to be, like, that's like you being imprisoned in the, like,

the warden being like nice cock but little buddy it's only a matter of time you know we had the HR you can't go to HR yeah the problem with the HR person she came to one of my stand up shows I just started doing stand up yeah and then after the show she goes I want you to take my born again virginity wow

This is also the lady in the car. I was in a car with her for some reason. She was driving like a man. I'm like, can you please slow down? And she goes, I have a guardian angel. I was like, well, I don't. She sounds awesome. Yeah, she was awesome. Give me how much older. So you're probably pretty young at this point, right? I was like 22, maybe, 23. Fresh little piece of ass. Fresh piece of ass.

Dude, you're looking good now. I can't imagine. Nice and trim. You know what I'm saying? I was like a six when I was 20. I was pretty. Oh, you were worse when you were younger? No, no. I never got over a six, I don't think. Really? Maybe a seven at one point. I think you're being too harsh on yourself. I appreciate that. I've asked the audience because you get dysmorphia on your own face. You see it every day. It's really, I'm pretty good looking. Yeah. But then I said, I'd go like, hey, what am I, one to 10? I was a girl.

- Four. - Hold on a sec, mm-hmm, four. - In the audience or in person? - In the audience, I get like-- - Nah, they're trying to be funny. - The audience was like concurring. There was no like, "Ha ha." Anyway, so after the show she goes, "I want you to take my born again virginity." And I was like, "Oh, no thank you." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank you, but that's so special to you, whatever. - Right, right, right, right, right. - So then I go outside and then she goes, "At least kiss me."

Wow. This is my HR lady. HR lady. It came to my show. So again, so you're 22. I think you were probably hot. You don't agree. What is she looking like? Who is she? She wasn't bad looking, but her personality was like this. Long, like the nanny, but not as hot? Yes. She looked a lot like the nanny. See, if anyone that was nanny adjacent tried to fuck me at any point, I'm so in.

I fucked the girl who just kind of reminded me of the nanny a little bit once. And it was a whole ordeal. I think it was on when I was like a little kid. She is hot. The nanny is hot. Dude, so insanely hot. She's not as hot as the nanny. And you know what's fucked up? I watched the nanny with this girl that I'm talking about. Wait a minute. I put it on. Maybe it linked up. We were discussing it and then I was like... Yeah, I mean, this girl was like...

She had like curly, basically just big curly brown hair. She didn't, she really was not, she was a little nanny coated. My ex-girlfriend played the nanny's daughter or her like niece or something. There you go. Yeah, put up Jackie Tone, the nanny. And you could have fucked the fake nanny, the shitty HR nanny. T-O-H-N. Oh yeah, that's her. Yeah, go to the bottom right. Wow, there you go.

Interesting. Little did you know at that time when you were rejecting the bootleg HR nanny, little did you know what laid in your future. There were so many nannies. I didn't think about it. A lot of them were. Oh, yeah. The problem was, though, she wasn't bad looking. Okay. How much older than you was she? Not that. Maybe like three or four years. She was like four years older. Mid-20s. Okay. Yeah, she was still in her 20s.

But just the way she was. Oh, yeah. She didn't. I mean, they're annoying. Yeah, but this was like, she would stab. She would, like, poke me and, like, I'm working. Too aggressive. Yeah.

You don't like a woman to be too aggressive with you. I don't like to be surprised and people poking me. It was a legitimate invasion of your privacy and personal space. Yeah, and you get that adrenaline of cortisol. It's bad for you to be... People scare you and make it funny. I don't think it's funny at all when you scare someone. Right, right, right. Watching it, I don't think it's funny. It is very low level. It's caveman humor. It's Ellen DeGeneres. What are you laughing at? You just scared your guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's Ellen DeGeneres. She's fucking jack-in-the-box pops up, and then if the bit doesn't work, she goes back and fucking takes a cat of nine tails to a PA and just fucking whips her back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the idea of Ellen just fucking, how many twinks got fucking abused on that set? How many, like, fucking little L.A. gay kids thinking they were getting their break in show business? She'll be nice to me. This bitch is just, like, fucking making them walk on hot coals to get her a fucking latte. Yeah.

Yeah, who told me she was like, talking like, who should I have sex with? She was like, no writers in there. She was like, talking about who she should bang. Oh, wow. Interesting. Look, this is just hearsay. Love that. Fuck it. This is five person telephone hearsay. Believe it. I love that though. I love, but that's, I have a soft spot in my heart for a female dirtbag a little bit too. That's why I kind of like the HR girl because an abuse of power is,

To try and fuck a slightly younger than you, less secure in the job, that's usually a man's move. Yes. So I do kind of respect her doing it. I see your point. It's fun. And at the end of the day, it's like if the roles were reversed and it's some fucking Long Island piece of shit guy and you're some like, you know, young 21-year-old temp...

Could get a little, you know what I mean? Like, the threat of violence wasn't there for you. Yeah, yeah. There's always, like, I could always beat her up. You could always just fucking punch her in the fucking, I'm gonna guess, big nose. I'm just gonna, just from the voice alone, I'm gonna guess she had a nice schnoz on her, which is part of what I like about that, about the nanny. Although, I guess Fran Drescher doesn't, let's fucking find her, bro. You think she kept it tight? I don't want to say her name, but I'm saying shit talking to her. Yeah.

That would be really fun to hit her up now. Are you a single man? And you know, I worry this is going to be the rest of my life, to be honest. It's way harder now. Right. No one invites me to parties. Right, right, right. There needs to be a way, there needs to be some social communities inter, and you take it for granted. And then you get to my age and it's like, oh, like nobody, okay. Like even these young comedians who I really like at the clubs, and I feel like we have a good relationship, like,

They don't even, and I wouldn't at that age even think to invite me to a party. I wouldn't invite an older guy to a fucking party. You also don't want to be at those parties either. That's the thing. What am I going to do there anyway? That happened to me once where I was just like, it was like a real moment where I'm like, oh, I'm not...

Like, I'm... You're still... You're young. I know, but, like, you go to, like, a... Great skin. A young... Thank you very much. You know what it was? It was, like, a... It actually was a comedy show, and it was, like, some backyard bullshit, and it was just young comics putting together, like, a house party that happened to have a show there. Yeah, yeah. And I was just like, holy fuck. Yeah, that's a place, a hookup place. I am...

a decade older than these people. I can't see it. And I never even like a baby to me. Right. Yeah. Yes. I mean, you're like, I'm 35. So I know I'm young, but it's past two for your twenties for sure. Not for sure. I really couldn't man. I really promise you. I couldn't stop. Can like pass plus or minus 10 years. That is true. That actually is true. Yeah. If I were to put on a fucking, you're 50 or 19. Yeah. If I were to put on a hat,

You know what I mean? And like fucking close shave and like, you know. But then if I fucking let the hair go and I'm wearing a fucking tweed jacket and I'm, you know what I mean? I could be your... Yeah, you could. I have a little... You do all the character work. I'm going to get into theater. I'm going to get into local theater. I have a problem with, because I know with the clubs, everyone's too young. And then...

There's no women like old, you know, in their 40s like that that are like hanging around right if they are a club Oh yeah, that lady sucked off Mark Norman and Ari Shaffir at the same time Oh, that bitch was airtight

Big J's been paying her rent for six years because he feels bad about what Lewis did to her. If a 40-year-old's hanging around the cellar, that is not good, man. That was so true. The other option is you go on the app. Online, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How's it looking? I've met a couple of cool people. I actually went on a date. She was nice. But it's funny because I'm just like, in my mind, I'm young. So I'm like, oh, here's an older lady. Right, right, right. She's eight years younger than me. I'm like, oh, this old lady. I always hear young people. I know, I know. So my age looks like it. Anyway. Yeah, I'm like, you know what? It's time I fucking dated a girl my own age. And I'm like...

In my head, that's a 27-year-old, and I'm like, I am 35. You know, like I've had that. Like a couple years ago, I was seeing someone who was 25, and I was like, ah, girl my age. Yeah, yeah. Because 25 just feels like the range. It's really hilarious and delusional. Well, it's, you know, the whole, the math of it, which does pretty much work out. Half your age plus seven years. Where did that come from? I don't know, but it does work. I've heard that for eternity.

And it just, I don't know where, what's the math behind it? Yeah. So 35, so you're looking at, so 18 plus seven, so 25 is okay for you. 25, yeah, yeah. That's the youngest you should go with 25, but that's okay. Well, you know, so it's more of a guideline, I guess. It is, but...

But yeah, it starts... I mean, who is dating a 19-year-old? The guy from... We were just talking about this. That seems... It's fucked up. It does seem fucked up. I'm not a judge, but... I mean, I know that's what's so crazy. It's like, I'm not... Listen, believe me, I'm not judging on this. You know what I mean? For the most part, I'm like, look...

It's weird, but whatever, as long as no one's fucking underage. But you see a man who's 60 and he looks like he's fucking in a in like a Sergeant Pepper's costume. You know, he's got that weird bowl cut and like a fucking Fu Manchu. And then you see someone that looks like his daughter straight up, not even like a little bit, but like has a has a like. And when you're that old, you can't you can't do 21.

You can't do college graduate age, at least give their brain a little chance to fucking fully develop. Could this be an amazing woman? Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Could this be a very mature and amazing... I'm just saying.

The odds are very low that she's like a once-in-a-generation intellect. Because why would she be dating fucking Anthony Kiedis if that was the case? Could he be an amazing man? No, I don't think so. I think that's gone. I mean, if you talk to a 19-year-old lately, it's really funny. I know. It's like you do a college or something, and you're like, oh, these are little-ass kids. And then two of them are hot as shit. I like young people. But they get the Dunning-Crofts.

Kroger Effect. Mm-hmm. Dunn-Kroger Effect? I've heard of, I know the name, but I don't know what the fuck it is. I know I'm saying it wrong. Yeah, do, I, Dunn-Kroger Effect. I do it, I have it too. I, I do it with like stuff where you, you start to learn something or, or learn about something and you get really cocky early. Uh,

Because you have this overinflation of how much you know about something or your skill about something. And then there's the next phase when you dig deeper, you get some competition over it. You dive down to total self-hating, I suck. And then it becomes work and you get back up like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, interesting. That's kind of how we do things. Yeah, it's really funny to see. Yes. I went to...

I went to like a family friend's birthday, right? Like this little, this kid that my brother's goddaughter, right? Who we, you know, everyone's like related. We all know each other. My parents were friends with, you know, the woman whose daughter it was. And her...

One of the kids was like... Had gone to his first year of college. Yeah. And to talk to a 19-year-old... Who has one year of college under his belt... Who's just got his life... He's like, yeah... And I figure I'll get an internship... And I'll just fucking... I want to get into finance... And I'll just work at this place... And it's like...

He's talking about how he's like, yeah, the frat house is pretty fun to live in. And it's just like, no idea. When I see 19-year-olds now, I get the same feeling when I see a baby. And I'm like, oof. What you got coming for you. What you got coming for you. What you are about. I remember thinking that with babies and being like, oh, this poor beautiful little thing is so fucked. It has...

Hopefully 60, at least 60 years of, hopefully 75 years of mostly brutal, like, brutal feelings. And, like, maybe four cumulative years of just, like, actual happiness. And I'm starting to feel that way about, like, 19-year-olds now where I'm like, oh, man.

How bad your 20s, how awesome, but also the lows are so tough too. Yeah, it's so emotional. They are fun and I do like younger people and being around them, but there is a, that sounded really bad. Don't clip that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I do like young people. The younger, the better. Kyle Dunnigan. Maybe that girl's real mature for her age. Just put those two together. Is it possible? Even voice. The younger, the better. Like red filters. A little information. Dunn-Kruger. That's when they go like,

Like Israel all you have to do is Yeah It's so simple I know Is it possible it's not simple? Yeah Is it possible it's not black and white? Yeah

I know. I mean, I do remember. I mean, you're describing also that is the most perfect representation of like stand-up too, of like that open mic or conference. That happened to me too. It was like one gig I was like, yeah. And then next year you're like, I'm going to kill myself. That open mic, Eldis at fucking EJ's Landing. Eldis came to my first open mic. We've been friends forever. And I was like, I did that open mic and made like, you know,

12 people, 11 of which were at the mic laughing. I left that being like, well...

snl just around the corner you know what i mean and it's like that was fully 16 years ago and it was like it was 14 13 years for something good to happen to me but it's probably a good thing that that happens because psychologically because you get arrogant enough to keep doing something yeah yeah yeah instead of being you get a kind of a dopamine kick or something yeah absolutely i i just i do uh music too like i um

I had like a band I just started, which is like, you know. Yeah. Why start a band at this age? People are like, why would you start a band at 29, Kyle? And I say, it's just not for all of you. No, but I...

Like I wrote a few songs and I was just like we're going to the top. I love it. Yeah. Like after a while. Wait, no, these are not that good. That's legitimately cute to know that it can still happen. You know what I mean? It's like you think you should know that that's not the case. Even for a second that shouldn't creep into your mind. But there's probably like three afternoons where you're like, yeah, man, we're going to chart. This thing's going to chart. I really felt that way.

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Where are you from, though? Where are you... Originally Connecticut, I grew up. Oh, Connecticut. I lived here. I lived in New York for a few years and then went to LA. You were... This is so funny because Tom Papa's like my fucking... Yeah, I live with Tom Papa. My comedy dad. Him and Bobby. I opened for them for years. And so he was just on the podcast and he just randomly mentioned that you guys were like roommates in like one of the most horrific apartments of all time. You know you're young. You don't...

No, I'm not going to live here. That living room you saw there was my first apartment in New York. The living room. The corner of the living room. So I know all about it. And then you expand it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah, we lived in a place where there was no sink in the bathroom. It was a two-bed, half-bath. You just walk in and there's a

kitchen yeah and then there's like his room my room like a toilet and then we'd like brush our teeth in the kitchen sink and there's just like a rack in the kitchen for your clothes it was yeah just you know awful uh and that's when you're working at fucking findel watson what's your what we call it no that was actually later okay in my life i was with tom uh okay

Okay. Oh, so that was after your first... Yeah, Svenska was my... Before I became a comedian. Oh, really? I just started doing stand-up. Like, I just started. And did you go... And look, we do a lot of research on this show, a.k.a. one quick Google search. But you went to UConn or... Yeah. And you studied acting. Is that correct? I was ever Googled. Yeah. I was talking about this yesterday. What a waste of money...

acting school. Yeah. It came with my parents. I mean, I was so lucky my parents paid for college home debt. I wouldn't have gone if it had been payed. Connecticut. Very Connecticut of you. Very Connecticut. No, my parents weren't rich. I mean, they, he was fine, but yeah, they paid and I just was in this acting school and one of the things was called, one of the, um,

Class called movement for the actor hell name of it. So they would put on music and you literally would just move around Yeah for an hour and then someone get in a chair Yeah, and then one thing was this thing called interpreting interpretive of like plays and and

I swear to God, the weirder your reports were, like you'd have to read like Streetcar and A Desire. And then you'd come in with your report. And it wasn't written out. You had to perform a thing that was an interpretation of this play. Of the play. Just an interpretation of it. Not just the play. Just whatever you felt like doing. This one guy goes in.

He read Streetcar, and there was a mirror in the room. It was like a ballet room, too. And he took out lipstick, and he put it on himself. Then he wrote whore on the mirror, and then he fucked the mirror. Pulled his pants down, fucked the mirror. Pulled his pants down? Dick out, or no? He had his dick. I mean, we didn't see his dick, but he fucked the mirror. You could see his cheeks? Yeah. Wow! He's pressing his cock on the mirror. Yeah.

And then he goes out to the door and he gives us all the fingers. He says, fuck you. And he runs out. Now is his interpretation of that. I just sat there. A plus. He gets an A.

And then so I'm like, I'm just going to do something weird. I didn't read this. It was Glass Menagerie. It was my play. Didn't read it. Yeah, yeah. Boring. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's good. Who's that? Tennessee something? I saw the movie. Tennessee Williams? Part of the movie. Anyway. Nice. So I got my mom. I was like, can you give me one of those like your glass? She's like a crystal glass. I'm like, give me that glass. I got some string. I got an egg. None of this makes any sense. Love it. Yeah, yeah.

And I took the string and I cut it and then the glass fell and broke. And then I went outside and there was a window and I buried an egg. Didn't read it. And he would say, what do you think you should get? I go, A. Gave me an A. Fuck yeah, dude. That cost $40,000. Were you an only child? No, I was the youngest. Oh, you were the youngest. So they had kind of given up. But on you, there was laxity.

The rules relax or no? In a weird way, no, because I was the last one. My mother was like, liked being a mother a lot and her identity. And so she was like, let's keep this one. Interesting. Like we had the whole, our whole carpet in my house was redone except for my room, which I kept my room. Wow. So you were, so you basically...

are like a, almost like a monument to your mom getting to be a mother. It was like the farewell tour. Yes, yes, yes. How many siblings are there?

Two. Two. One boy, one girl. Okay. Interesting. Very cool. I mean, I love my family. I have a great family. I'm very lucky. And she, I think, wanted to be an actress. She wanted to be an actress. Yeah. She liked those, like, doing performing things. But I do not need to go to college. Yeah. I mean, if they gave me, what was that, $200,000? If they just gave me $200,000, I would get the best acting coach in the world. Absolutely. It would have been better. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, rent an apartment and fucking get a great coach and be fine. Never used anything. This Shakespearean class we had, we'd go around in a circle saying farewell and he goes, crack your voice, it sounds more emotional. So we're going on going, farewell. Yeah.

I'm not lying. $50,000 a year. Just little tips. And I was the big dick who sucked and would never make it. Like, everybody else... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was the big asshole. Really? No one... They didn't think you had it in you, man? Well, I really didn't. Yeah. But I mean, also... I mean... Also, what are they gonna do? Also, you were a fucking UConn acting school. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's fucking going to Huskies games and fucking... Yeah. Nobody's giving a fuck. No one's fucking...

You know, I don't know that there's a great alumni. No, Horschak, and he was at the Big Star. Oh, wow. Welcome back, Cotter. And that's tough, because I barely get that reference, and I'm 35, so it's like, you know, the rest of these. No one gets it. Anthony Kades' girlfriend, not going to get it. Not going to get it for a while. You've probably seen memes, if you don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Cotter, John Travolta. John Travolta, folks, Google it.

But anyway, not a very personal... Yeah, it's a great... Mace sampled the Welcome Back Cotter on when he came back to rapping, which is probably the... People have heard that. Yeah, it's such a depressing... Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, he's like a special ed teacher.

No, he was, he left, this is the premise of this terrible show, and it truly is terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cotter left the school, he went there and he left to go do something. He came back to teach, and they're like, welcome back, and his sweat hogs are in his class. The sweat hogs? Vinnie Bobarino, John Travolta, Horschak, who's this guy that I know who hated Gabe Kaplan, who was Cotter. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, you knew Horschak. I met him a few times, which was...

Alumni outreach program. Oh my God. What a total disaster. That's fucking awesome because I never even can sit. I was like, I wanted to do performing stuff and I did. I mean, there was a moment for me. I do remember this in seventh grade where I was like,

Oh, actually, theater's gay and I'm a jock now where I tried to like change my whole like identity, even though I did also try. I applied to Baltimore School for the Arts, the high school, the arts high school in Baltimore, which is actually pretty good. Tupac went there, you know, that Tupac and what's her name? Jada. That's where they met. Jada Pinkett Smith. Yeah. Didn't know they knew each other. Oh, yeah. They dated in high school.

I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. She seems cool. She actually seems awesome. Like...

Like, to cuck somebody that hard, to cuck a beloved icon that hard, that his brain melts moments before he's going to win his Oscar. That's the other funniest part. He was about his whole career culmination. People forget he won the Oscar like 10 minutes later, but no one even fucking remembers he won for King Richard. And people just had to like watch him give a speech and he's like... That's so... That's true. That's so... What a moment. She's cool for that. Yeah.

Fuck Tupac in high school, which I bet you... Get your name. Yeah. I know. You know all of my theory about it, too. I mean, the cuck thing, all this perfectly, and then him playing that character...

who was very defensive of his girl. Oh, that's true. He probably had that character in him. He did have that wild-eyed resilience. Yeah, he would be someone who would in public say, no, this is how it should be. And man, Chris Rock handled that really well. I know we're going back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, but I just remember, I just didn't even think I could go to acting school. Or I remember listening to a...

an early Marin where he had Donald Glover on and he was like poor from Atlanta, but he went to NYU, uh,

for comedy writing and I was like in college and I was like what the fuck I could have done that yeah NYU fucking it's awesome it's like it's sick it's like yeah it's just like yeah it's the same way most kids are wasting money but it's also like they're just getting connected to actual rich kids in the end Nepo babies and stuff like that that's good to do that

to do that well if you're gonna waste your money at least waste it somewhere where network is so important it's all it's purely network for sure I just felt like like looking back again I was like 19 you know your brain is old were you doing like high school theaters that was like like for girls that's the first time I was like oh this is way like for I was like tiny and they're like oh you cute little Kyle and uh

Yeah. And so that was like the first time I felt some kind of like identity, like, oh, this is something that like.

I can do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I felt like that was something. A little attention that way? Attention. And it just gave me a little confidence, you know? You didn't act out? You weren't like an attention seeker outside of the stage? Like you didn't do funny shit, little? Every now and then I'd burst. But I was also like shy, so it would be burst, and then I would feel like shame, like a little cycle like that. Yeah, oh, interesting, interesting. And then kids would be like, like the cool kids from one time were like,

wouldn't let me sit at their table unless I did an impression, like, or do something funny. I was going to ask, is that how, because impressions work at every level. People love them, like, from if you're just impersonating the teacher to, like, you know, they'll work everywhere. Did you come up, because I was doing fat clown shit, like, almost like jackass level dares. I would do that up, and I would mock people, but if that wasn't working, like, I remember one time I would, like,

I snorted Parmesan cheese for a laugh. You know what I mean? Like shit like that. I like that stuff. You know what I'm saying? I would throw myself down a flight of stairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so pathetic how bad, like before we figure it out, we just purely want attention. I do like that kind of comedy though that's just like right at you. Just like... Yeah.

It's self-deprecating almost. You're the victim. It's almost, yeah, it's shame. It's like humiliation. Ellen would never do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She would make, she would throw you down the stairs. She would parmesan your nose. For looking at her in the, yeah, looking at her before, for interrupting her pre-dance stretching routine.

Yeah, college was such an opportunity. Looking back, I'm like, I did take other classes and I liked them a lot and I never thought, oh, you should major in this. Never even crossed my mind. Yeah.

Like I had a, I had a, like a physics class I loved. Yeah. Oh, interesting. And I would have loved to gone to more classes. Yeah. Actually learn. Go to that weird, like dance movement class. Oh, another thing, a guy, this one teacher, he go, it was Shakespeare, which I'm horrible at. Can you imagine me doing Shakespeare? So I don't know, man. I can see. Well, that's pretty good.

I'm in. So he goes, everyone bring tights. Whoa. So we had to do Shakespeare in tights. I'm like, I'm not going out and buying tights and bringing tights. Oh, hey, and everyone don't bathe and only eat spoiled meat. It's like, it's not the fucking 1600s, dickhead. That's what I told him. We don't have to fucking do this. I go, well, those were their regular clothes. So she went, are our regular clothes? And he was like, get tights. Yeah.

So then I never got tight. Three weeks go by and then he goes, you guys still don't have your tights. And everyone's in their tights. He goes, go into the back room. There was like a dressing room, you know, he's like on the upper shelf of my tights. Oh my God. So I'm in the back putting this old man's green tights on. So the Kermit the frog legs. Why am I here? Four years of my life.

Ah, Eldis, you know me. You know I love hitting a nice live sporting event, a live concert. I'm fresh off the O's game myself. Hey, I threw out the first pitch, took in the game from a suite. But if I wasn't a personal guest of the Orioles organization, there's only one place that I would be looking for O's tickets, and that's the good folks at GameTime, our friends at the GameTime app. I have used GameTime to go see the O's in the past. I have used it to go see WNBA games. Yeah.

That's right. I like the liberty. I like seeing Sabrina Ball. What can I say? Stewie's awesome. I love that. I love Game Time because they're the easiest. They got the cheapest tickets, and they have a nice amount of little features all in pricing. I hate when people fuck you with...

It's just something you're not expecting at the very end. No. Tell me what it's going to cost up front. Game time does that for you. They let you see your seat, panoramic view. You don't got to worry about sitting in front of a pole or some bullshit. Or, you know, it's an obstructive view, whatever. I love game time for that. I like to know everything that's going on the second I'm purchasing a ticket. I don't want to be surprised. And that's why I love game time. Good prices, awesome.

all-in prices, and a nice little sneak peek of what you're truly going to see. So take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, use code STAVVY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code STAVVY for $20 off on me. Download GameTime today. What time is it? GameTime.

Were you getting slurped off at least? I lost my virginity just one time. Nice. What was the context? It was horrible. It was horrible. Okay, hit me with it. I was coming home alone from a party. Wow. Which was sort of my thing.

Going back to the dorm. I don't know why I thought like I never dawned on me like, hey Kyle, you got to do more than just stand there. Right, right, right. I knew my friends would like just be like cool and like it would kind of happen. So I just go to a part of the, I'm cool. I'm like this big, 105 pounds. So then I go home.

And I was walking home and there was this girl that was in my Spanish class. Hell yeah. And for some reason in my Spanish class, it was when I was like, I got, I wanted attention there and I talked a lot. Yeah, yeah. And I'd do bits. Interesting, okay. And the teacher was like, It was a safe space. It was a safe space. It was a warm environment for you, yes. Warm.

I know those feelings. Sometimes when you're like a funny person and you haven't figured out how to do it, certain people bring it out of you. Teachers are very important to be like, it's okay to like joke and have fun. Yes, yes. A nurturing teacher for a kind of sheltered, about to be creative person is huge. I, all these songs are, I had in a tape and I passed them out in school and it kind of went around. They confiscated them all. And this teacher had them. One of the songs was talk to your weenie. And it was a little dumb shit.

But I thought I was in big trouble. But he'd get back and he goes, I was like, that gave me some confidence. So I'm walking back from this party and this girl who's in my class, I didn't really notice, she's behind me and she was quiet. She was hammered on the second floor of her apartment. And she goes, Kyle Dunning, get up here. And I was like, me? Okay. That was when I never...

like been like nate like inside a woman yeah yeah i was inside this woman i don't remember anything i remember just walking up and then you were literally just summoned upstairs by a drug woman she was just like this is what's happening now and i was like uh you've been a victim in both your stories with women whether it's the hr woman or like you know you know what i do attract um

sexual predator like an overbearing predator type interesting interesting maybe you're the little guy you're a little guy you're safe yeah you're safe to fucking pray on yeah so you just this girl calls up to you from the second floor sees you and you just go up there and fuck her like i don't remember anything in between i just remember walking upstairs and being like in her body and of course you know it's like four strokes yeah

And I'm like, oh. And she's like that. And then above her bed is a skull and crossbones. Now, this is like height of AIDS. Oh, and you're raw dogging. Yeah. I was raped. Yeah.

So, rickets don't give you condoms. So, I immediately, I don't think I got AIDS. I know I got AIDS. I was just, like, suddenly, like, all the blood, I'm like, oh, my God. So, I walk home, like, oh, my God. I got AIDS from a pirate. Yeah, why does she have a flag? Anyway, this is humiliating, but, you know.

it's like cover of Time magazine like AIDS like you have any sex you have AIDS you die immediately so I'm like literally tears and my roommate you're crying after you lose your virginity because you think you have AIDS I don't know what's the like the sabbatical sorry man it was a long time ago I think enough time has passed where we can enjoy it that's just so fucking sad that that was

first time you had sex you're fucking crying moments later I wish I could tell you I cried alone I actually went to my roommate who was a jock he was literally the he was literally like on the public and I I was just trying to tell him and I started doing that like one word crying where I was like I just got this and he's like oh that sucked dude and he's like whatever that sucks

Damn, that sucks, bro. You couldn't get tested back then either. It wasn't like go to the infirmary and get your AIDS test. It was like you had to go to a hospital. And I was so young, I didn't even know how to get a cab and go into town. So I just had AIDS for a year. And you didn't have sex that year for the community. No, just to, I wanted to keep the disease alive. Lock it down.

I assume good did come out of having AIDS, which was, I actually ended up not having it. When I went to the doctor, I told him what had happened. He goes, you had sex one time. For four seconds, by the way. Yeah, for four seconds with a girl. I go, yeah. And he goes, you don't have AIDS. I was like, just do the test. Yeah, yeah. He's like, okay. He's like, okay, but you don't have AIDS.

They didn't tell you back then, like, I think it's, like, really hard for a guy to get AIDS vaginal. I mean, anally, I think it's a lot easier. I think so, yeah, yeah. It's like, also, if you're uns... This is a problem... Don't get that out there. That's not true. I shouldn't get that out there. No, no, no. Let's spread a little misinformation. We haven't done any of that, you know? We haven't really had a chance to... You can only get it if you're gay, I think. Yeah.

This podcast started post-COVID, so we haven't really gotten a chance to spread misinformation. So let's start that, get that going. I do think it is harder. Yes, I do think it's harder in general. It's air. Anyway, so here's what's good that came out of it. I love Billy Joel. Favorite musician. I learned the piano just by Billy Joel songs.

So he's coming to town and this girl was like, I have nine throw seats. Wow. You want the extra ticket? The girl you fucked? No, different girl. Just a different girl. Wasn't fucking me. So the girl you fucked one time, you just never spoke to her again? I called her. I'm like, you have AIDS. You should get tested. I got it from you. I was like,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to upset your whore. Yeah. But she was also 21, which was so old. And she had sex with me. She's had sex with everyone. No one else ever decided to do that. This girl must be like really out there. Anyway. Right. You didn't like track her health? See, if I was convinced I had AIDS...

I would have looked at who I thought gave it to me and just checked and see, is she losing weight? Does she have any sores? It didn't matter. I had AIDS. Right, right, right. I don't think of it. So hey, this girl, I had this fantasy. Just fucking putting on tights, convinced you have AIDS. The whole package is so funny. Just putting all this disparate information together, like 5'3", 100 pounds, doing fucking handstands. Yeah.

So I had this fantasy that I would jump on stage at the Billy Joel concert. I'm so close, I'd rush the stage. And it was so clear to me. Then she took the tickets away, and I was devastated. But then he came back around to New York City here, and my friends and I were like, we all got tickets. Top tier. We could touch the back of the stadium. It was so far back. Hold on. Go ahead. Sorry. It just was so terrible. Yeah.

But he's singing Piano Man and we're hearing like Uptown Girl. What am I even watching? So we go, okay, we're going to sneak down. So we all sneak down and everyone got caught except for me. My ticket says tear on it. And every like 15 feet there's guards. They keep pointing me where I want to go. I get to the front of the stage and then they rush. Now I'm at this thing that I imagined. It was crazy, right? Holy shit, yeah. So I'm like, I got to jump on stage. I imagine this.

But I'm scared because I think they're going to beat the crap out of me. I don't know what's going to happen. There was a girl next to me. I go, hey, you want to jump on stage together? You know? Thinking, yeah, she'd be slower than me. Right, right, right. The gazelle. You don't have to be the fastest gazelle. You have to be faster, quicker than the slowest one. So she goes, no, I'm a scary Mary. She said that to me. Never heard that before or since. So then I remembered, I have AIDS.

I'm gonna die anyway. And the power of that. Now you gotta understand, this is probably the first time AIDS ever did good. Where it gave me the strength to like, and I did that. I actually have a video of me jumping on stage. Wow. Because you were like, I'm gonna die anyway. Exactly. I can't die with these regrets. Yep. And what happens when you jump the stage? I,

I pat on my back. I said, good job. He said, hey, thanks. And the bodyguard bounced into him, knocked his shoulder. I could show you the video. It's pretty funny. And then years, 25 years later, I showed Billy Joel. I actually went and some random thing. I got to be on stage. Wow.

with him and then I showed him the thing and I videoed him watching the video of him. Awesome. It was really a full circle awesome thing. That is beautiful. All starts with AIDS. Everything good starts with AIDS. I think. All starts with a little raw dogging. How long was that story? That was beautiful man. 15 minutes? That was awesome. That is so fucking funny. All my stories are humiliation based. That's the best stuff though. Yeah. I mean it is funny to just live with thinking you had AIDS.

And you make yourself sick. Literally, my sheets were turning yellow from the jaundice. I was breaking down. I was losing weight. This is very documented. Some people, if you think you have sex, it's very powerful. So I think I'm very healthy. I think that. That's good. That's good. Yeah, I don't know. I just don't think about... Somehow...

Nothing bad's happened to you. How's your family? I thought it was genetics mostly. That's true. Yeah, I guess we're really not in fucking... No, not really. I mean, I guess my grandma's still fucking kicking. She's going pretty... I mean, her mind's gone, but... Yeah. Not even fully, though. She's in that weird twilight zone where it's like... Oh. You get her for like, you know... You just have to have the same conversation 40 times. Would you want someone to just end your life? I think so, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think of ways...

When do you want it to just... There's gotta be a thing where they just have like a blade and they just go... Yeah, the way they kill a fucking pig or whatever. Yeah. What's the guillotine? Or the electric chair. Shouldn't they just do that? Yeah, just something that just... Seems like that would be more... Or like they have those injection... The lethal injection. You're like a pod. But you could be like... Playing like nice music. Horror...

To be honest, people are like aware, but they're just not. True, that would be horrible. I think like blade, spine. The blade part is where I have a little... What's the problem with the blade? Why don't you just get anesthesia and get bladed? Okay. That way it's like you're fucking asleep and you're like, oh, this is nice. I'm about to get bladed. Yeah, yeah, I'm about to get bladed. And you can decide your last activity, have a nice meal. God, do you enjoy that? Yes.

You know, do you enjoy your last meal? I think I will. I mean, I'm about to go die. But it's like awesome. You're happy. What would you get? What would you get? What would you get to? I would honestly get Korean barbecue.

That's it? Well, like a whole... Ice cream at the end or something? Of course. What the fuck am I asking? All you said was Korean barbecue. You know what? I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. It would be Korean barbecue, and it would be some nice cuts, and then I would finish it all off with a bread pudding with chocolate chips in it, warm, topped off with ice cream. Damn. Bread pudding a la mode. I'm ready to go. What would you get? Kill me right now. What would I get? I mean...

Maybe some spaghetti with a nice bolognese. Spaghetti? With a good bolognese. I mean, that's like... That's your last meal? Oh, my God. I mean, that's part of it. Okay, all right, all right. Backtracking. All right. Yeah, no, it was the beginning. He's like, spaghetti. I don't know. Capri Sun to wash it down. I want to go to a skate park and do a suicide as my last beverage. You can get like a top.

Like a cut of meat or something. I don't know if I really want that. You know what's fucked up is we've had this discussion and we've had this argument over years. You believe your Italian food is as good as any restaurant's Italian food. So you would want to cook your own meal. Oh, wow. I wonder if they let you do that. Maybe. I definitely would want to vet how the sauce is made and where it's coming from. You want the chef to come to your style. But you don't want to cook it. You admit here at least that...

As you're about to die, maybe you're fucking old and frail. Maybe I would want to cook it. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. I don't know. Why not? You want to cook your own meal? Just get it exactly how I want it. You might blow it. I wouldn't really care. Honestly, I would do like orange chicken or something. I don't know.

I would probably do like... That actually doesn't sound bad either. I would probably do like three or four of my comfort meals all at once. Back to back. I think you're right. Followed by a Ben and Jerry's. Respect. I don't need anything like fancy or crazy. You're right. I want something I can like eat with a fork.

You're describing how we lived at 26 years old. You're just describing us being 27. Let me think back to what I ate. Any kind of YouTube video, do not eat these four things, was all I ate until I was 28. It was fucked up in here, man. This apartment has seen some really fucked up orders. Was that mac and cheese in the microwave? Easy mac, of course. That was so good.

So good. Had a lot of Easy Mac. Yeah, that's fair, Ellis. I like that. Three or four of your meals. Kind of create your own Chinese buffet, basically. I just want to put myself in a food coma. I don't even want anything with a lot of bones.

I don't want to, like, work that hard. I just want to, like, mushy stuff. Bones! You want a fucking trough full of fucking Chinese fried rice, rangoons, a fucking cut-up. You want somebody to put a fucking seven-layer burrito in a fucking Vitamix. Pour it down your throat. I'm not a man of all, but...

I don't like it. I wonder if anyone's requested a green juice. Yeah, just a green juice. To really fuck it. That would be chilling if you're a fucking murderer. And then the last thing you do is really unnerve people by asking. Apparently, green juice. It'd be a pretty good bet. Apparently, like, prisons barely even honor those the right way anymore. I can't imagine they could. Because I would, like you, I think I'd want, like, a bite of a Big Mac.

Yeah. A little of this. They have to cap you at, like, two restaurants. Yeah. Right. Also, it's ridiculous. Like, how did that start? And why do, like, the worst guys of all time get that? Maybe if it's, like, I don't know. Apparently there's, like, a serial killer who requested, like, an elaborate, like, 10 or 11 things or something. The prison got all of them. And then he refused to eat any of it. And I think, like, after that, they're like, okay, fuck that. Well, this guy's a real asshole. Yeah.

I can't believe he didn't fucking eat this sous vide lobster. Yeah, he sounds like a jerk. This fucking guy who ate, he raped and ate children. We went through a lot of fucking trouble getting that fucking ribeye over here. You've gone too far.

I would be psyched. Like, now we can eat this? I know. I'm sure they got to eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you think? What's in the fucking... Well, now I'm thinking Big Mac and fries. I don't know.

Don't let him. I want to. No, but like I do want like that kind of comfort. And then a mac and cheese bite. I want a Blink's fried dough from New Hampshire. Interesting. I'm not familiar with it. So Blink's fried dough. Yeah, they make this fried dough so good. It's like like what's the carnival shit? It's kind of like that. It's like just called Blink's fried dough. There it is. Look at that. See that five stars. Look at that. Look at that picture of it.

Like a funnel cake. It's just the best thing you've ever had in your life. That looks pretty good. I'm not... Then they have a lava, hot lava cake with chocolate and vanilla ice cream on top of that. Oh yeah, now we're talking. I want some popcorn and peanut M&M's as well. This is all pretty, you know, you can get this. I'm pretty satisfied with those things. Yeah.

Maybe like a Chick-fil-A, a couple of bites of Chick-fil-A. Maybe like 100 milligrams of edibles. That would be awesome, too. Oh, can you get that? No, they wouldn't give you that, would they? Yeah, it depends how they kill you, I guess. No, you can't as the... Remember, this is our suicide, before we get into the suicide pod. You're not a prisoner. Oh, I thought I was thinking prisoner. You can get whatever you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the suicide pod. But no, I do think, sometimes I think like, like my grandma was like begging to be sent to Greece to die. And it's like, ship me to Greece. Yeah. And so, and we were like, you can't. And then we took her to Greece and,

Because my cousin got married and she wanted to get back to America so fucking fast. No way. So fast. She fucking hated it. Really? Because it's like she forgets that you're in a village with no fucking AC. There's no like, you know. So you brought her back? You brought her there to die, then you brought her back? No, no, no. We were never going to just like leave her by herself. It's her last request. Yeah. Yeah.

I know. I was like, I was trying to talk to my, because some people in my family were like, well, that's what she wants. It's like, yeah, but she's like a fucking bait. Like when a baby's like, I want to go to the moon. Yeah. You don't fucking, you don't fucking strap it to a rocket. You just say like, okay, maybe tomorrow. My kids, he couldn't move in. Yeah.

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God, I want to blink so bad now. Yeah, that looks really fucking good. I actually have a picture of a painting of that restaurant in my bathroom. That's how much I like it. In the bathroom? My bathroom. Can you, do you, what are you, are you looking directly when you're shitting or? No. Okay, good. It's a stand-up situation. Nice, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Because I wouldn't want, yeah, I wouldn't want one of my favorite foods. Yeah. Look, I'm looking at Blink's fried dough. It looks delicious. I'm looking at Blink's fried dough.

I don't think it would help your shit. I don't think it would give you healthier shit. No, it's horrible for you. It's all dough and fried and shit. Yeah, no, it's terrible for you. Is that like beach food? Is that what that is? Beach food. It's the best. Did the family go to New Hampshire? Was that you guys' little... We were just there a couple weeks ago. I had some a couple weeks ago. I just...

I don't know. I really, the one big pleasure in my life has got to be food. And I can't eat anything delicious without paying a huge price. So it's like, I don't even need to look online or go to a doctor. This is the diet I can eat. If I put anything in my mouth and I feel the emotion of joy, I have to spit it out.

If I just eat everything that's disgusting, everything that is like, I'm like, ugh, that's, I can eat that. That's what you need. I go, I can not look. I go, ugh, okay, I can eat that. That's good. Mmm, I can eat that. What are you eating? Like green sheep? I've been eating really well for the past two weeks because I really got like sick, you know, from eating. Mmm.

And so I've just been past two weeks and it's fine. And I, I mean, I'm lucky I can like get food and I have food and I know that's some people don't have that. Okay. Where'd that come from? The fuck? You're lucky you can get food. Yeah. Like I can get food.

So people can't get food. I know, but the fuck, man. Do you know? There's a lot of bad stuff going on. We don't have to... We don't have to... Every sentence be like, I'm lucky no one's bombing. No one's pretending this podcast studio is a Hamas base and bombing it. I could see your audience, like a bunch of Ethiopian children watching your show and being like, fuck you, you get food. So I wanted to say I get food. So...

I'm just like... I like this morning. It's just like kale, gross drink. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then I'll have like... Greek food's great. It is. So I have like this like just lamb, nothing, and like kale, nothing. That's pretty delicious. You know, the lamb. Yeah. Whatever. The meat's good. The meat's good. Meat and a nice Greek salad. And then I fast. I go fast for like after seven. I stop eating and I eat again. So you probably were never at any point fat in your life. No, but like...

I don't get fat. I'm like, I have such a small frame. I just would get like a... I get like a pregnant... That weird little doughy... It looks horrible. I look ill. That is a bad look. Yes, yes. Fat doesn't go anywhere on my leg. It just goes on my belly. So it's like I have to like...

But I don't even do the fasting for looks. It's all just for health. I just want energy because I guess I'm very sensitive to food. And if I eat the wrong stuff, I'm like laid out or like in pain. I'm like, oh, it sucks. Yeah. But it sucks. But like I get food. I have food. Yeah. You're very lucky. And I'm very lucky. You're very lucky. You have access to a grocery store. Water. That's awesome, man. If any time I need water, you can find it.

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Did you guys go all the time to like, that was the go-to vacation spot? When I was a kid, that was like the most fantastic. I still love it there. It's stuck in the 80s. There's like arcade games. Hell yeah. And you could walk. That was the thing. I grew up in Connecticut where there was nothing around. I could just walk to a candy store and be like, give me candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little peanut brittle. Oh, that's cute. My cousins were older and they were so cool. And they were so nice to me. They were older kids, so they were super cool.

But now we're all so old. It's like... Yeah. It's like depressed. A Little Depressed Comeback was also cool. Do they have kids and shit? Yeah, they're all... Are you on uncle mode? Yeah. I mean, I have four... I have nieces and nephews. Oh, nice. And they're all awesome. Yeah. And... Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking about the... Because, you know...

I'm like, man, maybe just uncle is enough for me. Having kids seems like a lot. You know what I mean? Mark Maron has a funny just take on it where he's like, aren't you lonely? You never have kids. It's just true. It's not like a joke, but it's like, I've never been lonely and been like, I wish I was a kid here. It doesn't solve that. But yeah, part of me is like, oh, I should have a family. But then I'm like,

just so much time went by and I never been like oh I wish there were kids here I wish somebody was stopping me from watching Heat when I really feel like watching it I wish somebody got fucking threw up while I was yeah so I could watch Bluey on a fucking iPad well they're just it's also such a gamble to have a kid oh yeah what if you get a dud I mean just forget it could

kill you or like just hate you. Like, you know, there's so much, you know, mental things could happen and you're, you know, it's just such a gamble. I know. I was with a room full of

people who had kids and they were, I mean, it was mostly comedians, honestly, and like whatever, people who like have a good sense of humor. And I was like, statistically, like one of your guys' kids is probably going to be a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. It's like, there's like seven of you, you all have one or two kids. One of them is going to be a fucking asshole and they just hate each other.

Hated that. They did not. No one even cracked a smile. Because they're all like babies. Because like when everyone, the baby, it's like, it's so funny to think that even the worst guy of all time was a fucking cute ass baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Every douchebag was a cute-ass baby. It's just so cute. The worst person you've ever met in your life was so fucking cute and just, like, drank fucking apple juice in a cute way and, like, said a word funny. Yeah, yeah. Fire ginger or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's great being a parent, and I admire that. It's so much work. And you see...

how exhausting it is. For the mothers in particular, where I see my friends who are starting to have kids, I'm like, oh. So that actually, yeah. They get out like, ugh.

That actually makes me think, like, man, maybe I could have fucking kids. I mean, the fucking woman's going to do it. Like, the fucking piece of shit, like, you know, like, oh, I guess this is another nice big societal perk where... But that is, like, pure biology, unfortunately, where it's like, that baby just wants to be around his mom. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's... Breastfeeding is a lot, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks. That's why I've also decided, not decided, but what I've thought is, like, oh...

Maybe there's a few paths that I see unfolding in front of me. Okay, uncle great Think I would be just the fucking best uncle, you know what I mean? But then also and then you can do traditional have a family whatever also Stepdad is something that I am just now getting into. Yes, but I'm like, you know what? I see what's good about like that a lot I skip all the crying and shit and

Imagine. Oh, it's something good. Yeah, yeah. Ultimately, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, and then you can, and then you just pop in, you get a kid with doing half the fucking work. You know what I mean? I imagine my, Seems nice. The conversation you have with the kid, you know, because you're cool, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a cigarette, make him feel, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like your pal. Don't think of me as, you and your mom, I bet you and your mom are number one. I know you're number one to your mom. I want you to know that. And he's like, this guy's fucking cool.

that's the kind of step that I'd be. That's a fun step that I was thinking of it more as like, I just usurp the father's position. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, cause I would, I do the math on who the kind of woman with a kid that would, that would end up with me. And it would be like, you know,

I don't see the dad being in the picture is what I'm saying. Yeah, that could be a problem. It could be a problem. You don't know how the divorce happened. The best thing, God forbid, best thing, he died. Right, exactly. And in a way, she didn't really like him. There's no picture of him anywhere. Right, right, right. She was on the fence, he's dead. On the fence, fell off the fence, died. Yeah.

And she's like, I love you. Fuck that guy. This is my kid. If he's ever a problem, tell me. I'll take him away. And you can be cool. That is the best case scenario. Best case scenario. What does it look like? Yeah. Is that the worst thing? I never really thought like I want to... I guess you'd love it more if it looked like you. I guess biologically, but... People say like you've never known a love like this. I don't believe that. We shouldn't believe it. Otherwise, it's tragic. Yeah.

It's the thing. It's kind of like both sides have to believe that the other one is wrong. Yeah, because it's such a huge difference. Because they have to believe that this is some crazy intangible thing that's worth all the bullshit they put up with. But sometimes, as you said, they turn out really shitty and they don't like you. Some of them murder their parents.

literally blow their heads off, Menendez. And then, what about the, I'm really into the

family annihilators. That's a lot of my... My YouTube was like, here's another family annihilator. Didn't you hear YouTube tells you what a piece of shit you are? Of course. Mine's all just like people falling down, family annihilators, and airplane crashes. I love that. Mine's a lot of jacked girls doing pull-ups and stretching their thighs and stuff like that. It's pretty cool, honestly. Yeah, my Instagram's a little too many boobs. Oh, mine's nothing but, unfortunately. But it's like, it knows... Yeah, it knows what you like.

It rewards what fucking works. You know what I mean? They know what you like. Yeah, somebody's like, I bet you have the funniest...

For you, Paige, it's like, ha ha ha, yeah. It's really... Oh, it's so silly. It's not a series of, you know, sex workers giving out free samples for their wares, essentially. It's basically the, like, the Costco free sample tray, but for OnlyFans. That's what my fucking Instagram is, basically. Mine's like boobs, 9-11 calls, and then, like...

guy falling down I get a lot of videos of like guys telling cops to fuck off you know like when a guy beats a cop I get some of those too you

Legally, you have to bring your sergeant. And it's like the dumb cops have their body cams on. They're like, this guy's a piece of shit. What can we hang on him? You know what I mean? I love videos of cops getting caught, which there are few and far between. It's almost all cops just railroading some poor fucking asshole. Yeah, it is. The algorithm does work. I mean, I do go, wow, this stuff. And then I'm very satisfied with my algorithm. I can't stop. I don't need to see anything else. And then I'm like, hmm.

It's just so fucked up because you just see on the phone, like, a woman so hot that it would have driven your ancestors to madness. And you see, like, 40 of them. Right. You know what I mean? Women weren't that hot. And I have moments where I'm like...

how do I fuck this lady? You know what I mean? Like, there's a part of me that's like, what do I do to fuck her? And then I'm like, all right, man, I got to go take a walk. I got to put my phone down for an hour. It's like an AI generated non-human. Oh, dude. When they get that technology, when they just like kind of

They're able to 3D print the body and then get a computer face and you fuck it in a sex doll. That's going to be over. Game over. It is going to be the end of loneliness. And I'll tell you, it's going to be the end of relationships. These robots that are coming very soon and this AI thing. Okay, just imagine. Because right now, watching the video and jerking off.

Pretty good. If you throw a robot in the mix, we're close now as is. If you throw and the robot knows what you're watching so it does all the movements...

And then like also like you like you want to fuck your secretary. You can just like snap a picture of it. I will make exactly your secretary. Fuck you. And then like your wife is like, what? You start to fall in love with this robot. You start to have relationships that really would trick your entire brain except for like one little part. Yeah. Like in the Matrix, the guy's cutting a steak. He's like, I know it's not a steak, but I don't care. Yeah. No, we won't even need the Matrix.

You will get a studio apartment with a fuck doll.

And that will be it. By the way, it's not just the fuck doll. You are going to be so in love. This thing will never complain. You're going to come home and be like, how was your day? And you're going to program it to even give you shit or be whatever you want. If that's your thing. If you like it to fight with you, I like a girl to poke me and be a nanny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take my asshole virginity, Kyle. Yeah. Fuck my ass again. Fuck my ass, you piece of shit. The pussy's all used up, but the ass is fresh, Kyle. Yeah.

It comes after a company. No, no, no. Get your iPhone. It glitches. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck my ass. And Thanksgiving, it pops up. Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, I forgot it's programmed to come suck me off every Thursday. I forgot to cancel for Thanksgiving.

Yeah. And then just, yeah, there's, it's going to be really interesting. I wonder if it's going to be like you have to buy a whole, it's probably actually 10,000. I'm thinking about it as

As a business, they're probably going to sell you the robot, and then the amenities are going to be where they really can be. In-app purchases. In-apps. It's like, you know, you want to take out ads? You want to take off ads? You want another asshole? Well, that's going to cost you a little bit. Oh, well, look, we can give you a big sloppy pussy, but you want that thing tightened up. Sure, sure. It's going to be two Gs. Salesman coming to your door. Yeah.

Yeah, we can give you the sloppy pussy, no problem. But I think he'll be really happy with this anal package we got at work today. Look at this, his fucking finger. Oh, it's like a fucking Chinese finger trap, this fucking thing. Yeah.

Also, you have sex with it, whatever. And then it's like, if you want to get up and go away and does your dishes, you'll just start to be like, oh my God, why go out? It's going to start to be like that. Will it have the same effect for women is my question. No, it won't. But I think it will have enough where they will...

Will they get sex robots or will this be a let's placate the incels and there will be an incel underclass that gets robot pussy? I think they're going to get like eat out robot. Yeah, oh true, true, true. And more like listening and then like, Trish is a bitch at work. She's trying to destroy you. You should get away from her. Right, right, right. He goes and does the laundry and stuff like that. Be like, you're so pretty today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking not all men but like, and there's a large amount of women robot but they're also going to be

Yeah, we're not going to really need each other soon. I think it's soon. I think it's... Like 10 years. You think 10? Yeah.

Yeah. It's getting, I mean, I don't know. It's like, at what point will they be like affordable enough to be like a cell phone or something where everyone just has a cell phone? It's like, oh fuck. Yeah. I got one in the fucking claw. Even if you don't really, do I have a PlayStation? Like I wouldn't not get them. You got last year's. Yeah. Yeah. They changed the pussy shape. They changed the pussy shape. Charges. Charges. Chargers. Different now. Yeah. Yeah.

You can go eight hours. And there's like a bunch of old robots in like garbage cans. Yeah. Like spread like...

Yeah, I mean, it is interesting because more and more, and it would be interesting to talk to somebody who's like 18 about this, because more and more, life just does happen online. Like, younger people just have really deep, meaningful relationships fully online in a way that does make me feel, like we joked about it earlier, but that's the shit that makes me legitimately feel like, oh, I am not...

like of this generation of this time where it's like, I kind of, I was never really, even when we were growing up, like you, I feel like you and our, and others of our friends would have like some of them, you know, it was like, you'd be on aim a lot more. You'd be on forums and shit like that. I just was never an internet guy really. And it still makes like, I still don't really get fucking discord. I don't fucking, I'm not on that shit that much. And, but younger people, like, especially like kids now it's like,

So much of their lives just seem to happen online and on the computer where it's like... And then you have a generation of kids who just went to school during this fucking weird COVID shit. Oh, I know. It's just in there. I can't imagine taking a test. It seems so easy to be like, Google. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a thing about...

The love you feel, it actually comes from you, so you don't really need to have, you can actually trick, I mean, you look at Castaway, Tom Hanks loved that volleyball. All he needed was the volleyball. We related that because the

The love is from him. That's a great point. And you put the love on somebody, and it's real. You can buy with coconuts and volleyball. Oh, yeah. Imagine what you could do with air conditioning, Wi-Fi, and a fuck doll. All the seamless you could fucking want. Oh, that's true, man. And it's like, you look at Japan, where it's like sex rates are down. Oh, those started. Japan will be the big robot fucking relationship. Probably go to parties with your robot after a while.

I think first it'll be shame and then it'll be accepted and people will just show up with their robot and dress the robot up and it'll be like, this is this version. Well, I don't know. I think it'll be kind of like a mail-order wife. I don't think they'll ever get over the shame of it. You know what I mean? Where it's like, I don't think you'll be able to just bring your robot around, maybe. You'll be able to bring it around. What about like a hundred years from now, though? That's a good point. Like where it's so...

Like all those old people who just had robots. Yeah, who just got regular pussy. Like, there's no shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be like a robot march. Stop making us feel shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. After that happens. Yeah. Okay, all right. Yeah, fuck. Well, who knows? I mean, we'll be dead. We'll be dead by then. But hopefully we get a little piece of robo-pussy before it's all said and done. I mean, that's all they really ask for is for me to get some robo-pussy. Here's where it would be great. Retirement. Retirement.

Yeah, that's the end of loneliness. In the retirement home, yeah. Little robo-pussy all the way up. Don't you want your grandma or grandpa to be like, have their robots? And you're just like so alarmed at how young your grandpa sets his robots to. Oh, that's the thing. Your grandpa's like, it won't go lower than 18. Yeah. What the hell? That's pretty low, grandpa. I can't set it to Vietnam lower than 18. He's trying to relive his GI days. It's broken. Get it lower than 18.

Very funny joke. Shut the fuck up. That's legit going to happen. Yeah. Another funny because it's true. All right. Well, I think it's time we kind of get our expert. We've really solved societal problems. The macro. We forecasted the macro. Time to deal with the micro problems of our listeners here. I have to take a whiz so bad. Yeah, please take a whiz. Am I allowed to? Yeah, this is the perfect. Are you allowed?

No, no, no, it's alright. This is the midway point. We'll roll some ads right here.

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On first three-month plan, only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. All right, folks, we're back. We've all pissed. We're ready to go. Anything to plug here at the Midway Point, my friend? Hey, just kyle.donagate.com. If you go there, if you want me to come to your town, I got a pop-up now where you put your zip code in. Oh, nice.

No spam, but if I go to your area, you'll get an email saying you're right. You'll get a fucking email. No other spam, just when I'm in your area. No other spam. No other spam. I don't do spam. No spam, this fucking guy. No links, no nothing. All right, LD, what do we got? Long-time listener, first-time caller. I'll get straight to the point. I am 22. My best friend is also 22.

Ooh. Yeah.

And I'm not really sure how to deal with it because this has been my best homie since middle school. And he honestly could not get less of a fuck. And I really don't at this point either. Am I being a bad brother? I mean, I stopped talking to guys for months and months. And eventually I just got over it. But my brother already has a new girl and has gotten her pregnant. Oh.

Wow, dude, this is fucking white trash McBath. This is fucking... This is hilarious. My brother already has a new girl and has gotten her pregnant. So I don't really know why he'd still be mad. Well, I guess I do know why, but...

Yeah, am I a shithead for not caring and continuing to hang out with this guy now? Or am I justified to just chill with him? Anyway, thanks for letting me know. You're fat. Love you, bye. He's definitely a shithead. Let me figure it out. But not because of that. This is... Yeah, I mean, this is... Truly, these people are fucking so stupid. Like, these guys are awesome, how fucking dumb they are. How truly trash everyone involved is. It's amazing that our race...

It used to be like this survival. Now it's just like,

The dumbest. People getting pregnant. The people that are thoughtful, people are just not getting pregnant and having babies. Just 19-year-olds that fucking with no prospects. I'll just blow it on your tits. I forgot to. I guess we should have a kid. Oh, yeah. We're going to be the parents. I guess we should just be parents. Should I be mad at my... So... I mean, least of your... My thought is like least of your problems. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about this? Number one thing you should do, not get anyone pregnant. Everyone around you is fucking raw-dogging, blowing inside 19 or 20-year-olds, and just don't do that. He probably already has three kids, this guy. If I was a girl who was pregnant, I'd be mad that he... What are you upset about your ex-girlfriend, anything? Well, so this is very strange, because he's not really... He is essentially a neutral party here. Yeah. So it's his brother's...

His brother's, his best friend impregnated his brother's ex. Right. And his brother is simply mad that he's not showing enough displeasure. And I'm not saying it's good, right? But it's also like...

You fucking, you have another, like. Yeah. Like that's. Time passed. It's over. I mean, if the girl, if he didn't immediately get someone else pregnant, I would almost be like, I see where your brother's coming from. Maybe just be discreet about it. Don't, don't like, you keep saying like, I couldn't give a fuck at all. It's like, you're being a little aggressive. You should be a little ashamed. Yeah.

You should feel a little bad that you're, you know, I'm going to guess doing dabs and doing donuts in your Scion TC with this guy. But like, whatever. It's also funny because there's nothing tangible here. He's not like, oh, but me and my friend are like...

we have this business relationship that I can't, it's like, he's just like, at the end of the day, this guy's awesome at chilling. And I would just rather drink beers in a parking lot with him than like care about my brother's feelings. And at the same time, I kind of, I'm on his side. I would say if the brother was like in,

Couldn't get laid. This was a devastating thing. You got to be a little sensitive. The brother went off. He's clearly getting laid. He got someone pregnant and time went by. Totally. My conclusion of the year is two. He shouldn't feel bad. It's over. The little brother needs to suck it up. The little brother's like, come on, man. You don't get to be mad. It's just such a weird thing to be like, well, a girl I fucked.

Way more, once way more things bad happened to the brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was like the worst thing that could happen to a person. But that is the funny thing about when someone is so young and immature and has kids. It's like they are playing, they have the emotions of a child.

And they have the responsibilities of a fucking grown adult. You know what I mean? Yeah, Mary was 13. Mother Mary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like 13 to 14 when God nutted in her. Well, you know, he did pick, you know, you want to get a 13-year-old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then don't tell her parents. Don't tell. Shh. Just let her be known as a whore. Yeah.

I like his He took care of her He gave her a donkey In an outdoor barn So he took care of her And a cock To take care of her He's like here's a barn I got you a barn Hotels are booked I couldn't really God couldn't Because I'm doing something With a 13 year old You at least get her An Uber home You'd be like Wow

God raw dogged a teenager and made Jesus pretty fucked up, pretty problematic. He sent an angel to do it or to tell her. Even that's kind of rude. From what I understand, the angel sucked him off and he spit the jizz in Mary's pussy. Yeah, it was a suck-off situation. I think that's from the book of Ephesians, I believe. I'm no scholar, but I believe it does say that. I believe it was Leviticus who said...

The caller's probably very religious and does believe that too. It's like dropping in on their Bible study group. So let's look at this with real world. Let's look at this with real world. This is an exercise I always like. We're best friends. Let's say you impregnated one of my brother's exes. How would I respond to that? I would honestly just keep hanging out with you. I would like that.

It would be weird for a few months. Maybe even a couple years, right? But eventually, especially if that brother, like... And then I'm trying to think of myself, like, let's say...

One of my brothers. I don't know. Either way, it's fine. It's a little weird. The problem here is that these two people have children on the way. That's the issue. The weird jealousies of like, that was my pussy. That doesn't matter. That was mine. Hey, what the hell? Hey, give it back. Hey, my dibs goes for three months afterwards. You have to respect that after the breakup.

Um, that doesn't matter, but man, these kids are fucked. These babies are so fucked. But yeah, you're good, man. Keep fucking, keep hanging out with this guy. Wow. Well, we really solved that one. We solved that one. That was easy. That was nothing. Give us something. I'm sorry. I've already started recording this multiple times because I can't keep it short, but I'll try to this time. Um, basically I've been in love with the same guy for over a decade. Um,

Yes.

God damn. 0 for 3 so far. Whoa. Kids.

Oh, boy. She's still talking about him. Oh, boy. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

He's actually dating my old roommate. Oh, my God. Is that the brother of the other guy? Yeah. This is... Every sentence is brutal. Every sentence is a new, tough thing to stomach here, Elders. Jesus Christ. All right.

All right, let's see if she can keep this streak. She's got the, like, depression multiplier on now. Perfect score. Anyway, we all have COVID-19. She lost her legs in the war. Okay, what's next? All right, here we go, here we go. Make matters even weirder. He admitted that he...

Fucked up and he's always been in love with me. Oh no. Never working out. Safe time to charm. Now we're in almost constant contact. Basically emotional cheating at the very least. We haven't acted on it aside from like some texting. But after nearly 15 years, I'm still very much in love with him.

Might not. Yeah.

I don't even think his current partner would be shocked. Who cares? Everyone who knows us would probably say, fucking finally. No. You're not Jim and Pam. That's not how this shit works, man. Convince me he loves me. Your friends are sick of hearing about it. Like, guarantee. Your friends are like, oh, this guy again. Absolutely. 15 years. Tough stuff.

Yeah, give us the tail end of this, Elders. Shit out, but... Yeah, I don't know. Am I just a fucking idiot that let this asshole convince me he loves me, or...

There's a reason why we keep finding each other again. Don't know. A reason? There's no magical reason. Here's the reason. You let him do whatever the fuck he wants. He's unhappy. And if anything, you'll be the fucking bridge to divorce. But it ain't gonna be you. I feel bad for her because... Yeah, you get stuck and it's hard to see your way through these. And then you're kind of in a hypnosis state when you really love... You get that...

And it's like the fantasy, right when the fantasy wears off, they break up, it seems like. And then the time goes by and the fantasy comes back and they hook up and the reality sets in. The fact that she's already like, well, no, I bet people would be like, about time. And then we'd have a big wedding and the sun would part and a ray of sunshine would gleam just on us and we would kiss.

I actually have some advice for her. Please. Write down in your phone the things you don't like about him and what bothered you before you broke up. Because guaranteed those are coming back. Absolutely. So you might go, oh wait, you know, I don't want to... Even though I'm very attracted to him, I don't want to hook up and be a family with this guy and...

I hitched my wagon to him. It seems like once you've done it three times, it didn't work out. I mean, this is tough. The odds of it working out are super low, right? Yeah, and absolutely. And I guess the other thing that's crazy to me is like, who the fuck did you have the kid with? She didn't even mention him. That poor schmo. She didn't even fucking mention this guy. She mentioned who he's dating. It's her old roommate. It's like...

This is fucking nuts. That poor guy. Oh, man. I hope he's not like in love with her. I hope he's cheating. Yeah, I hope he's cheating. I hope he's cheating. Yeah, really. I hope he's trying to break up with her. That's the only, that's the best case scenario. The poor kids. Who are, who's the, yeah, what is the other relationship? I mean, look, you should have fucking, here's my true read on the situation is.

This, you are so, he is probably dissatisfied with his situation and you have been constantly there for him and constantly allowed yourself to get trampled to make him feel better. He probably came out of every time you guys dated empowered, feeling better about himself, ready, having the self-esteem to actually date the women he was going to treat with baseline respect. Yeah.

And I am against, I get the fairy tale shit, and I understand 15 years, I'm 35, so it's like, this is like the equivalent of somebody I dated at 20. Everyone has that one that got away idea where it's like, wouldn't it be nice if maybe it worked out, right? It's not going to work out. My advice is don't fucking try it. But what I would tell you is, if it's going to be different, you have to stop trying.

You have to stop basically just accommodating this person and you have to fucking say, hey, you have to be realistic and say you have to leave the person you're with. Right. Be a fucking actually. Actually, you clearly don't want to be with this guy. You haven't mentioned this fucking guy one time. So you got to get out of that. And then you have to tell this other guy, hey, I don't want to do this. If this is going to if we have fucked around too much, if this is going to happen, it's going to happen for real.

No fucking cheating. No sneaking around. Let's commit to being together. And that's what it's going to take. There's no like situationship string me along type of shit. But ultimately, I don't think you have the nuts to do that. I think you're just enamored with this fucking guy. I wouldn't even leave that like window of possibility open.

I know, I know, but this woman is going to fucking do whatever this guy wants. So at this point, this is like harm mitigation at this point where it's like, look, you have to stop this and you have to either fix your actual relationship or leave that guy and you have to fucking go to therapy about why you're hung up on this person. But if you want...

The only reason I'm saying this is because you're probably going to do it anyway. If you're going to make this... If you're going to do this for real and give this a one last try and want your fairy tale, whatever, it has to be different from him. You have to demand this guy actually treat you with fucking actual respect instead of... How did she describe him when they first started dating? Like, I've been in love with him for over a decade. Mostly him, right? Giving him chances, like...

He's gonna fuck this shit up. The only chance this has of actually working is if you are somebody he fucking respects now. And the only way you can do that is by setting fucking boundaries. I say you're out of your mind and this shit is clearly not gonna work. This isn't a fucking fairy tale. Fool me eight times. Shame on you. Is that how it fucking goes? No, that's not how it goes. But look...

You heard it here. These are some harsh truths. That conversation about kids being hard, you're probably just dissatisfied for a lot of different reasons. Life is very hard right now. And this is like, for both of you, maybe even, there's this like, whoa, what if this is the answer to everything? It's not. Life is just fucking hard.

And then it's like, and especially for you, you are at risk of being let down. For him, let's say he even does give it a chance and he's like, wait, I don't want to do this. He'll just dump you like he's dumped you fucking 10 other times and then he'll text you six months later and you'll probably suck him off in his Camry after you drop your kids off of fucking soccer practice. He's going to be fine. I'm worried about you. So whatever you do, protect yourself and also...

Stop sneaking around. There's this whole other person that deserves to be treated with... You're kind of treating the person you're with like this guy you're in love with treated you, and you're being a dickhead too. So take a little responsibility. If you're going to pursue this, which I say, do not do it. Set up a boundary, but good luck. I would say that, and I don't normally recommend this, but this might be a good situation for family annihilation. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They kill everybody that's like a problem. Yeah. Your ex-groommate, that bitch is the reason you can't be together. And while you're murdering, kill that other guy's brother. You're already going to, you can't get him jailed for more of your life. Put a little cyanide in the monster energy drink supply of whatever town that guy called from, and it'll take out the whole extended family tree.

Jeez Louise, I feel bad for this woman, but you're also acting very poorly toward... We're robots. We're going to do what we want to do. I get it. Listen, I get that. I know there are certain people in everyone's life who have this hold on them, but you have a kid in a fucking family. It's literally like until you start harming other people...

Like, you could potentially harm other people here. That's all I'm saying. Before, it's like you're just harming your dumbass self. But now it gets a little more complicated. Yeah, there's no, like, the reason is there's no, like, special reason why they keep coming back to each other. They probably, like, live within an hour of each other. No, I know the reason. She lets him do whatever he wants. There have been girls that I've dated that I'm like, you know, I know she'll just fucking come over. Who gives a fuck?

And it's like when you're younger and a piece of shit, you act that way. But this guy, he doesn't even have that fucking excuse anymore. Now, is it possible the world's beat him down so much that he's willing to settle? Willing to settle with his own slam, his old slam piece? Yeah, it's possible. Does that happen?

Sometimes you're like, you know what? The shoes I rent at the bowling alley are real comfortable. Maybe I should fucking put these on at a fucking wedding. You know what I mean? Maybe I should just wear these all the time. You know what I mean? Maybe that could happen. Well, good luck to you.

We wish you the best. We do wish you the best. We do love you. Life is hard. I'm scared for you. That's all I'm saying. It's hard to be a person in general. Protect yourself. It's hard to be a person. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Solving problems here. Solving problems. Having a little fun too, you know, but also solving problems. Don't go to a therapist. Listen to us. Kill your family. Next caller. Hey, Savvy. Hey, Eldest. Question for you.

Should you disclose whether or not you've had an STD, such as Herbie's or Venerea Ward's?

If you're in the dating scene and you're in your 40s plus, and I mean, I just assume everybody has HPV at this point. If you went to college in the 90s. Here we go. If you're raw dogging in Spanish class. Problems happened years ago, and you're not having an outbreak. Clearly, that was, let's say,

She sounds cool. She does sound cool as fuck. Nobody's getting pregnant. Everybody's raw dogging, she says. Listen, you've got to tell. This is not a question. Yeah.

Be honest and open and say, you know, it's been 10 years or whatever. I haven't had an outbreak in 10 years. I'm on medicine. Be honest. This is the kind of thing where you really... This is a very clear I'm a piece of shit or I'm not a piece of shit situation. So you know that you're a piece of shit and you don't need any information. I had a girl who luckily...

She and me weren't like dating dating. But we were like hooking up and having sex. And then she went to Mexico. And then like, I don't know, a couple. Got a little caliente down there. Her pussy, they put a little habaneros in there. A couple habaneros in there. So I went and like weeks went by, whatever. I'd say like once every three weeks or something like that. But anyway, she's like.

I think you gave me herpes. Maybe. Do you have herpes? She said to you? Yeah. I go, no, I don't have herpes. Nah, you just enjoyed yourself a little too much. This is six weeks since you went to Mexico? Had your first outbreak?

And she was just testing, like, was it the Mexican guy or this other guy? She's like, Google Translate didn't exist back then, so she couldn't talk to him. They did a lot of nonverbal communication. Figured she'd check you first. That's fucking hilarious. Just testing the waters. Which guy gave me herpes? He said, yo no se, what do you say?

Yeah, gotta be honest. I really... When someone's honest about that, I really respect that person. For sure. Before I told me, I was like, yeah, thank you. That's a nice... You're a good person. And by the way, no one's not fucking if you tell them before. Probably. Yeah, you'll probably still get laid. Yeah, it's like...

This has happened to me actually before where it's like someone told me after we hooked up and that just and if she told me before because you know she's on medicine no outbreaks we would use condoms. Yeah. I wouldn't have given a fuck at all. But the fact that she told me after I was like that's weird. You should have fucking said something and then somebody else I was like making out with her. She's like oh by the way.

I have herpes, but I'm on medicine. I haven't had an outbreak. And I was like, am I dicks hard? Like at that moment, you think I'm going to be like, no. Oh yeah, Wade Dillard's dicks hard. That's a good advice. Wade Dillard's dicks at least three quarters hard. I don't mean to minimize. I'm sure that's a very difficult thing to say. It sucks. You got to say that. Yeah. It sucks. But definitely gotta. She's good. Here we go. She seems cool. She's cool. She'll tell them. You know the pussy's top notch, man. One of these girls is like, girl, I'm dating. Yeah.

I'm like, don't tell him. It's probably her. What do we got, Eld? Hey, Stav and guests. I have a bit of an issue. So basically, I went on vacation recently with my girlfriend and her daughter. And she's 13. And I just want to preface this.

by saying that she currently lives with her father in another country and she's visiting for the summer. And we went on vacation and basically her phone broke or whatever and she was using my phone for Instagram or whatever and she forgot to log off. Oh, hilarious. And I was like, during vacation I just happened to be on my phone and

And I'm ignoring all the messages, obviously, until I see ones pertaining to myself and my girlfriend. And mind you, this girl is like just your standard, you know, 13-year-old kid, kind of, you know, can be standoffish depending on her mood. But I was not expecting this. She was just trashy.

Trashing me as my girlfriend. Her mother. And I'm not sure how to approach this situation. Trashing me as my girlfriend. She's trashing him to his girlfriend. To his mom, right? Like he's seeing DMs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Am I going to cause some level of distrust between...

uh, myself and my girlfriend by bringing this up. Is she even going to believe me? Um, but yeah, uh, yeah, a lot. I mean, just give you some context. A lot of the messages were just pertaining to, um, how, um,

How she feels about me, which isn't a great thing. I'm kind of weird as it is. So, yeah. And when it came to my girlfriend, I just called her a drunk asshole. Hilarious.

Yeah, just to give you a little context there, it's nothing crazy. But, yeah, I just would like to know the best way to approach this. Wow, that's really... See, the first thing I think of is, like, he has some insane information, which is powerful. Oh, for sure. You've got to hang on to this. I mean, the mature thing, I guess we, like, have a mature conversation, but I would say don't do that. This is a very good opportunity for you. Right. I would say even come out with, like,

tell her secretly that you have colon cancer or something. Make her feel like a real piece of shit. She'll be like, it worked. She's like, yes, it worked. Yeah, probably. You'll be like, my fuck. Well, okay, so, but the thing is, the 13-year-old doesn't give a fuck about this guy. He's worried about

what to say to his girlfriend about this. And the girl is the daughter of his girlfriend. Yes. And so you're like, hey, was the girlfriend ragging him too? No, from what I understand, basically he has, by accident, access to the kid and her mom's conversation on Instagram DMs. Now the problem is, he's like, I guess you forgot to log off. Why didn't you log her off?

When the vacation's over and you see that it's like you're getting notifications from this little kid's account, it's like you're basically like... He does have inside information, but it's like when a cop...

has a murder weapon without a warrant. Right. You know what I mean? It's not admissible in the court. Exactly. It's not admissible in court. And you could also be brought up on charges for illegal police work. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. Don't bring this up. Just you have the information and just... Unless it was... Unless the night... Like by the... Unless like the morning...

that he saw it. Like, if there was not a reasonable amount of time for him to log off, if the first thing he saw is... It's like this girl, the second she was away from her mom, started trashing him, and he's like, hey, I woke up the day after your daughter was gone, and I just saw all these messages about her trashing me. Even then, my gut here is to say...

This is like when Donald Sterling was saying a bunch of racist shit, and it's like, yeah, we knew that. You know what I mean? It's like the Bill Burr bit. It's like, what did you think he thought? Right? Like, of course he's a slumlord piece of shit who was saying racist stuff about his basketball players. Standoffish 13-year-old kid whose mom... Do you understand?

The kind of woman who doesn't have full custody of her daughter. You understand? When a mom loses to some guy in a foreign country, she must be... Your girlfriend must be kind of a piece of shit, right? So her dad is this loving single dad who's like... Single dads get the most... Society treats them so well, right? And this girl lives with him full time. She clearly...

loves her dad, you are some dumbass who's taking her dad's place with her least favorite parent. Even if you were a nice guy, she would trash you to make her mom feel bad. She's 13. She doesn't probably like her mom. Right, that's true. What did you think? You knew this girl thought this about you, and if you didn't, you're a naive idiot. So it's like, you're going to go and say, hey, I've been...

lightly spying on your child and the information I got was that she doesn't like me. Yeah, you can't say... Not worth... The juice is not worth the squeeze here. Log off, you know what you know. Log off, you know what you know. And you're just nice to the girl. You just... You behave exactly the same. Exactly. Buy her something nice. Buy her some... Yeah, buy her some lingerie. Buy her a thong and a vibrator all of a sudden. Hey, I want us to get... We're pals. Yeah.

He's actually pretty cool. This fucking guy just completely blows it somehow. But yeah, dude, of course she's trashing you. You're like her mom who decided she didn't want full custody of her new boyfriend. That's the guy who gets trashed. Yeah, don't take it personally. And by the way, I wouldn't bet on this working out.

Yeah, didn't they call her a drunk? A drunk asshole, whatever. Damn. Yeah, you're good, bro. Just fucking... We were obviously joking about buying the child sexual gifts. I just want to put that on record. Because you do seem kind of stupid, and I just would like it on record to not do that. I don't want this podcast showing up in a deposition somewhere.

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Listen to Amazing Wildlife on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search Amazing Wildlife and start listening. All right. How are we doing, Elders? We're at 148. Whoa. Look at us go. Seriously. So a nice something fun to take us out. What do you think? Two-parter. Yeah, we like to fucking cruise. We really did have it.

We were going real nice. This is kind of long, but it's kind of just more of an update follow-up on another call. Okay. Sort of a response or something here. Hi, Sam. Thanks for calling me, bitch.

So what I have to say is probably not as funny as what usually happens here. It's okay. My name is Madeline. My second anniversary is coming up in a month, and I just wanted to respond to something I saw the other day of a heavier set guy saying that he had been let on for a while and that he called back in asking when was okay or when was the right time to look back

you know, into like locking me down and telling him, Hey, I want a relationship. Remember this guy, he called in originally the Sam Talen episode and he had like a followup. He was getting some, yeah. Yeah. The original call was he was basically kind of getting led on,

And he didn't get, he wasn't even close to getting pussy by anyone. And then he was like, oh, I listened to you guys. And we told him, get out of there. That's crazy. And then he listened to our advice and he was dating somebody, right? And then his, and he was just like, when should I ask her to be my girlfriend, basically. Right, the new girl. Yeah. Okay. So this girl's responding to that. Will you be my girlfriend? I know. That was kind of what we said. It was like, hey, man. I think no one should ever say that. Yeah.

And I've heard you tell him that, you know, just let her know. Maybe she'll laugh it off and tell him that, you know, I want to be in a relationship too. And I just wanted to say that to that guy, do it. Just fucking lock it down. Just tell them, be honest. Because my husband and I have been together for 12 years.

And when we had that conversation, he sat me down. It was like this big production. And he told me that he wanted to be exclusive because he thought he might be in love with me. And my response was exactly what you said. I laughed. I laughed so hard. And I laughed so hard because I thought, like, a fucking corset.

Yeah, that's cute. Okay.

I love you. What the fuck is this? You're the most amazing husband in the world. Wait, love and kindness on the show? Thank you. Have a good day. A sweet, kind, loving call? I'm confused. What is happening?

That was cute. It literally made me uncomfortable to be in the presence of so much just pure love. I was like... And then I remember times where I blew it with girls that I clearly wanted me to be exclusive with them. She was talking and I'm like, fuck, man. My life... I fucked my life up a couple times. And then by the time I came to, she's like tearing up, talking about how much she loves her husband, Nick. And I'm like, are you making me listen to this, Eldest? You know how empty my life is.

I confide in you all the time about it. That was the most disturbing call of the night. You made two single comedians who constantly face their own alone mortality. You made us listen to this woman fucking get emotional about how much she loves her husband. Fuck you, Eldest.

You know robots are 10 years off. Yeah, let's get these robots going, man. This episode is over. That's it. See you later. See ya. Bye. Bye.

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