#94 - Sarah Tollemache and Joe List
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Welcome, everybody, to StyleFish World 904-800-STYLE.

Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We have two stone-cold favorites of the podcast. Sir Tolomache's Joe List. Thanks for coming, guys. Thanks for having me. Of course. I have to be up there with the most frequented guests, right? You're up there. Who's higher?

I don't know. What is their name? I want it. It might be you. It's got to be. It's probably Joe, right? Is this number four maybe that you've done? Four? I feel like I've been here for fucking three days of my life. I was here with Bobby. We got to do that again. Thanksgiving. Oh, is that right? I say we make that a tradition. Can we smoke again? I don't know.

I don't know. It smelled like shit in here for like three months. I could not believe you let us smoke. I didn't consider. I was like, ah, it's like weed. It'll be gone. Because I've only smoked cigars at Bobby's house. He doesn't seem to give a fuck. Or in like a lounge where it just kind of always smells like cigars. But I should have known something was wrong because when I said yes, you just...

Like I saw a look on your face. I was like, really? Don't fuck this up. Yeah. It was like, don't say anything. Are you serious, Clark? I can see on like a party. It was a friend wanted to be like, don't do this for yourself. I mean, three cigars in a house is crazy. We didn't fan it. We didn't ventilate it. This window's closed. Cigar bars have like smoke eaters. They have like machines. I know. No, it smelled awful.

horrific in here for four months afterwards but it was fun i also did it with ron on and i think i did two so this is my fifth at least at least six all right like possibly possibly i have the are you garbage crown so i just want to have as many you have the are you garbage crown oh yeah my truck suit yeah wow how many you've been on there now i want that i've been there a good amount eight times or something oh wow yeah you've crushed me holy fuck wow all right all right

This is your second time, Sarah. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me with my husband. Forgot Sarah was here. Yeah, this is our big day. We have a babysitter right now. I know. I figured her in the Uber. Wow, that's good. I'm happy for that. I was sleeping. I was bouncing bits and she snoozed up.

Finger to her. Yeah, she's easily the number one couple in Stavi's world history. Right. We're gunning for the power couple of comedy. I love that. I don't know who we're competing with, though. Rich and Bonnie? That's easy. Yep, done. Done.

Done and done. Next. Who else is there? We'll just give it to you for now. Yeah. There's been a bunch. They all break up. Yeah, you guys have some saying power. And you've got a baby and herpes between you. Yeah. That's two really strong bonds. I just...

Just Joe has herpes. Oh, right. As far as we know, Sarah has not been continuing it. It's very dormant in me. Yes, yes, yes. She never has outbreaks. It's really frustrating. Right. He's trying so hard. My guess is you're not doing too much testing. Right. That's a don't really need to know type situation. Oh, yeah, yeah. At this point. Well, because it's not like I'm out there.

Right. You know, so it's like... What do you do if she starts getting really... starts really vehemently testing, seeing, you know, the excitement? Why are you so concerned? Well, I like that Joe's so vocal about it because it makes me realize...

Oh, I never have to worry about him hopefully cheating. Right. Well, except for all the girls with herpes. That never stops a guy, though. That's true. That's true. Yeah. And all the women with herpes I could fuck. Some of the biggest whores of all time. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, there is too much stigma, but at the same time, definitely some of the sluttiest people do have herpes. Some people that shouldn't have it, have it, but then certainly, you know. You don't have it? I don't have it. Eldest? Eldest?

I don't think so. Wow. You guys want it? Yeah, we'll suck you off right here. Well, I always like... Yeah, I'm going to pull my pants down. Let's compare hogs. I think I just have a couple ingrown hairs that I thought were herpes once, you know? Well, Joe ends up being the beacon for comics to be like, hey.

Right. Oh, do you have, have you gotten a lot of texts? I've seen so many dicks. Like every four days, I have more dick pics than fucking any woman comics ever got. It's like, what do they think this is? And I'm like, I got like a monocle out and I'm like, no, no, that's just a rash. You lied about having herpes to see everybody's cock. The long game.

And then I had warts, too. I had warts and herpes. He had warts, yeah. Who hasn't? I haven't. I don't think I had warts. What did they burn off your cock? Oh, yeah, thrush. I had a yeast infection on my dick. Dude gets a yeast infection. Just the most, truly the most vaginal disease in your cock possible. Do you have menopause, too? Yeah. Fucking homo.

Get his ass. No. Speaking of, I didn't realize you lightened your hair on vacation, Eldest. I noticed right away. I know. That is... I felt kind of bad. A lot of people have noticed. Even people who I, like, barely see that it, like, kind of surprised me. Interesting. I got some, like, leave-in hair lightener when I was at a surf shop at the beach a couple weeks ago. Vacation sewer. I was, like, spraying it on heavy as fuck for a few days. I didn't think it would really do shit. Then, like...

One day, like I got back to New York and I looked in the mirror and I was like, holy fuck, this looks red. I need to chill out. You didn't notice that? He's a redhead. He looks like fucking Santino.

I guess it doesn't look that different to me. What can I say? He's a better looking Andrew Santino. Yeah, absolutely. Your hair is the same color as your face. Maybe that's why I didn't notice. The red just blends in seamlessly. I stopped. I thought it would be kind of fun to have blonder hair or something, but then I was like, God, my beard is always so thick. I hate that shitty bleach contrast with dark beard look. It's

So I hit the brakes hard on that shit. You did have as a... This guy, very cute baby. Very cute young man. He had bleach blonde... Very blonde hair. Shock of blonde hair. Yeah. Chubby.

Chubby cheeks. You were a cute kid, man. Thanks, man. Hit by a car when he was six. That's hot. I remember that. I remember hearing... That's how long we've been friends. I remember hearing about that happening in kindergarten. I remember being like, where's Eldest? Oh, he got hit by a car. We were like, fuck. Eldest is dead.

As a kid, you don't think of getting hit by a car as something you bounce back from, you know? Right, yeah. But you did it, man. Yeah, that was fucked, but it wasn't such a big deal. Wasn't it just you crossing the street? I was, like, crossing the street with my grandma. She was holding my bike, and I didn't want to wait for, like, traffic to stop, so I tried to cross it by myself. I just got hit by, like, some convertible. I woke up on the curb like my sister was crying into, like, some stranger's arms. There was, like, an ambulance around me and shit.

But I feel like I was out of there in like a night, you know. Nice, dude. Oh, so it wasn't that hard of a hit. That thick Albanian skull. Right. He knocked the wind out of me. I was like, pass out. The wind? It's a fucking car. I mean, or a soccer ball. You're like Superman. That's great. Yeah.

Maybe you're a superhero. Strong stock. I think so. Yeah, who's a podcast producer. Yeah, that's what superheroes go on to do. Another day job. I got to keep the low-key day job so I could do the crazy shit at night. Yep.

So you can have a... You're a yeast infection man. Every time you have a yeast infection, you have the powers of Superman. But your cock has to be fucking all moist and I don't even know. It's got to be a sweltering summer. You're just adding fucking crescent rolls to your fucking boxer briefs to get powers.

Stabby, is that finger? Is that from when we were talking on the phone? We were talking on the phone, and I sliced my finger deep. It was bad, dude. I didn't need to get stitches, but after we talked, I went to urgent care. Oh, you did? Wow. I was holding my finger, and it wouldn't stop bleeding for an hour and a half. And I took it out. I was like, all right, this is pretty bad. I should go. And then the lady started working on it. I couldn't feel it. I was like...

She started like going crazy on it and I felt nothing. I was like, oh, fuck. Am I about to lose this fucking shit? Because I wanted even zucchini slices on a mandolin. I was cutting zucchinis and potatoes. Mandolins are like a death box. I play the mandolin. The Captain Corelli's mandolin? Yeah. Oh, that's not also an instrument. It's an instrument. It's also the slicer. Oh.

To get even cucumbers. Yes, zucchinis in my case and potatoes. I would have loved if you'd lost your finger like Jerry Garcia. Dude, it was, yeah, it was gnarly too. When I took it out, it was like half of it was just white. And it's like, and you could like squish the, you could see the meat like when I squished it. It was like, I could see into my finger. It was so fucked up. So no stitch? No stitch because it was just kind of sliced.

right at the nail bed. So it was like I sliced the meat off the... Oh, it was bad. But, you know, I'm persevering. And you stayed on the phone. Yeah, I did. Stayed on the phone. Because it was one of those where, oh, this isn't a big deal. Ha ha. If I'm talking on the phone, there's no way I've made a huge error that could fuck my finger up forever. It was like being... Like I played in the... When I tore my plantar fascia, I stayed in the basketball game at the Skanks Fest Memorial...

Podcasters basketball tournament Because I wanted to pretend I was fine And I remember telling people Alright I'm going to go ice this I'll see you guys later And then I left and the adrenaline wore off And I was just like I just was in here for six weeks I didn't leave this apartment for six weeks It was brutal But yeah dude

Tough slice. You're doing it. I'm bouncing back. It's all right. You look great. Yeah. You're all cleaned up. I know. I'm experimenting with something new, you know? I like it. Thank you. Make it easy, Sarah. Easy. Yeah, thanks, Sarah. You know, I don't have herpes either. Switch seats. Yeah, but then Joe's like, she's old, though. She's too old. Yeah, she's too old to get it. Yeah.

No, you can have her. I'm trying to move on. We're moving. Did you know that? Where? We're out of Astoria. Wow. We're moving on up. October 10th. Mid-October. Okay. All right. We're going to hang a couple times. Yeah, we'll hang. I've barely been here. Are you moving to the city? Are you moving to the Burbs? We're moving to Manhattan.

Oh, there we go. Sarah's never lived in Manhattan. Never. You know, I'm thinking about doing the same thing. Yes. For real. Come on. Let's go. Go to our neighborhood now. We're in Battery Park now. We're going to Battery Park City. Yeah. I was going to move and then because it's tires is happening in the fall. So I was going to get a place. I was going to get like a sublet in the fall to just try it out and see if I like the city. But then I think I'm going to have to be in Pennsylvania half of the fall. So it doesn't really make sense. But I think when I get done from the city,

the tour next year I think I'm gonna get a nice place in Manhattan yeah let's do it everyone's doing it thank god you were talking about moving to fucking Jersey I was gonna start crying no no can't do that yeah you can't that would've been brutal Sarah never really spoke up though she was like I don't know it seems weird but okay I could've moved us to Missouri she was like yeah right what are you gonna do well just looking

The tunnel to get in just never is appealing to me. It would have been over. Don't get me wrong. You guys would have had a nicer quality of life, but you would have come here as often as you go to Boston now. Right. As often as you see your family. Well, that would turn into these people, too, that are like, you got to

here. That's what everyone does because everyone's just like projecting. Yeah. But you should come to Battery Park City. I will. I will. Isn't that where Karen lives? Karen's there. Colin's there. It's close to the village, the cellar. My niece is there. We've got great parks right on the water. Tell me more about this niece. Eleven. Cut.

She's 19. Does that run in the family? She's 19 years old. You met her, but she was 11 when you met her. She definitely remembers you. She's like, is that the naked retard in the fire truck?

That's right. The pool table. I was sleeping on her pool table. In her pool table, yeah. Yes, that was a good trip, man. Yeah, great trip. My whole family's like, you're friends with that guy? I was nude on your... I asked Joe's family. They're hosting me and Tim, right? We're doing the thing. And I'm like...

Joe, what do you think if we pitch this to your... I gotta get a naked picture on this fucking pool table. These nice people never met me. I'm like, all right, everybody clear out so I can put my bare ass cheeks on your pool table. And they all did. Yes, and for some reason, I think it was like...

because we were doing the firefighter benefit. For some reason, we had a bunch of cash. That's right. And Tim Dillon has a cigar in his mouth and he's holding $1,000 in cash. That's right. And he's betting on you naked making a shot. Yeah, yeah. And then we went to the firehouse. My uncle's a fireman. All my uncles are firemen. Shout out to Uncle Dale. Uncle Dale, baby. Big cock on him. Nice. And we went down there and he was drunk. He was at the...

And he was like, yeah, you guys can go down there. And we just got naked on the fire truck. And he's like, you got to get me kicked off the fire department. I know. We had to take it down because it was like you could clearly see like what. The number. The whole fire department. It was just me naked wearing the hat and boots. And we had to take it down. Yeah. Like the union was like, what are you on your mind? Yeah.

That was great fun. But anyways, yeah, my niece is single. No, no. So good luck to her in Battery Park. But I'm glad that you guys have a nice... That sounds nice. Yeah, we got babysitting options so we can go out and do podcasts. Beautiful. Right now we have a man watching our kid, which is always risky. That we just met. Yeah. That seems cool. We didn't meet up. Just some rando on Craigslist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You texted a couple times? He was putting flyers in our...

They grabbed him. He seemed nice. We're like, hey, man, we got to run out for a tight 90. We got to do Stompy's World. It is scary, though, because even men you've known 20 years, I feel like I'm not a hate men guy. I defend men a lot. You're not a misandrist. Yeah, I'm not one of these guys that hates men. But I feel as far as...

child molestation goes, it's about 10x men to women, right? Definitely. Absolutely. Maybe 50x if you count the priests, which I do. I think, oh yes, brave stance. You can. There's a guy from the Boston area that's huge to count that. Yes, I think you're, I think absolutely 50 might be right, honestly. Can we get a reading on that, Elvis? That's got to be Google-able, right? Men to women child molestation. Thank you.

Yeah, what are the numbers? Oh, the women one are teachers. Yeah, and they're older. They get to know them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they do what you're trying to do with my niece. Grooming? I'm not trying to groom your niece. 93.6% of sexual abuse offenders were men. Yeah. But that's just you get sentenced.

Yeah, good point. Yeah, it's the glass ceiling on that one. Like, we're trying to break that. There's plenty of women molesting. Can't get a cop's attention to save her life. How many boys do I have to suck off?

How many babies do I have to suck off before the cops will arrest me? Wow. 93.6. We are dominating. Yeah. You guys are doing it. Regardless of the victim's gender, women are perpetrators in about 14% of cases reported against boys and about 6% of cases reported against girls. Yeah. Girls don't... Lesbians aren't pedophiles. No. No, but they do...

They do the grooming, like the Epstein. There's a galene for a lot of pedophiles. Oh, you mean women. He said lesbians. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is Galene a lesbian? Do we know? I don't think so. I think she's... Well, I'm just saying women on women. Right, women on women, yes. I don't think you're really a lesbian. You're a pedophile.

Right. You don't go sexuality with pedophilia. You're not like, he's gay. No, I don't think it matters. You're like, he's a pedophile. I think that when I watched the Jared doc, he didn't care. Oh, he was a bisexual pedophile. Now that is kind of odd, I think. He's fine. I think that you don't hear so much. Yeah.

That's interesting. I didn't know that about Jared. I guess I assumed he was a gay pedophile. Yeah. Just because of the glasses and the khakis. Yeah, I think he did everything. Interesting, interesting stuff. Well, hopefully your child isn't getting molested by that guy right now. He's good. He's young. He's a good guy. He's a dad. He's a good guy. I'll just check in on him real quick.

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Do you have cameras? All good. One camera. Well, we have a camera on his bed. On his bed, yeah. Nice. So I guess we could check that. Yeah. Yeah, you can actually hear conversations happening in the room. Like I was thinking about, I was walking home from a run the other day and I was like, I wonder if they're talking about me.

But then I was like, that's none of my business. Who, me and Marty? No. I know, I know. Just a couple more years, buddy, and then I'll get a hotter new wife. We won't have to put up with her. I get it. We'll get out of here. The next special does some numbers. Who knows? You know, who knows what we can do? Speaking of specials, that's...

Wow, what a pro. We should get this out there. You have a special right now, Butthole Money. Yes. On YouTube right now. Go watch it. That's right. When I executive produced it, I felt like we should really... Yeah, Joe did produce it. I was just doing a bit. Come on. Well, I was giving you credit. Looks great. Well, I do always get self-conscious to have my...

My husband plays a big part of my career. It's not very feminist, but then I'm like this, fuck it. Hollywood is all about nepotism. Yeah. So I get over it. You directly worked for it. Right. I created all the... You had to fuck this herpes ridden guy. This herpes ridden alcoholic. Carrie's child. Yeah, Carrie's child. You know, other people just born into a rich family. You had to just kind of get here to the middle. It was not even like a multi-millionaire or anything, you know? It was really hard to get to the middle. Yeah.

It actually was. I don't see a lot of people in the middle of moving to Battery Park City. Okay? It's not exactly a middle neighborhood.

You did say we'll be the poorest people in Battery Park. We're going from the wealthiest people in Astoria to the poorest people in Battery Park. We're going to be apartment poor. As I said, I'm looking at you and you have a lot more money than me. My apartment's worse. No, not this guy. He don't pay well. We're going to get him up to $12 an hour this year if he's good. If he's good. You know?

I know some of you guys make so much money that I'm like, maybe I'll get into podcast producing. Yeah, you're on the wrong side of the camera, Sarah. Make some clips. Hopefully the clip economy...

Picks up? No, it just falls apart at some point. But the special is great. The special's very funny. It looks awesome. It's on YouTube. It's sweeping the nation at a slow pace. The bodega, they're talking about butthole money. Right. You go in there, the guy who doesn't speak English, he's saying butthole money. He's playing it. He's going to win a tournament.

I'm good at impressions. I would love that. You go to a country you've never been to before and they're just yelling out your name. Yeah, that would be great. I had no idea I'm huge in India. Yeah. Michael Richards told that story. He went to Africa to like get away and then like they had like a long extension cord into this like hut and all these like, you know, black village people were like,

That's crazy. Yeah, and he was like in the condo. That's hilarious. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, I mean, that show was so fucking big. Huge. The biggest show of all time, probably. Talk about the special. Tell them it's great. It's very good. It is great. It looks awesome. I'm really proud of it.

I mean, the production was incredible. And it's at Grove 34, which is like... Homegrown. It's not a huge space, but you guys made it look awesome. It sounded great. Well, there's great laughs in there. It really is. I feel like you can't have a bad set in there. I really like that place. Although I have had a bad set.

Yeah. I've seen some stinkers. You can have a bad set anywhere, but no, it was killer. Sarah's nine months pregnant. You look hot. We had sex that night. That's what's important. That's awesome. Congrats.

Congrats, guys. Thank you. Thank you. How does that work when the baby's, you know, when you're that pregnant? He's just covered in jizz. When he comes out. He's covered in jizz. Like a fucking cinnamon glazed donut. Can I tell you, it's the best sex ever. Norman's dealing with it right now. You've got to fuck a pregnant chick. What is it? The hormones and the business? Okay, do you get hornier?

Interesting. And like fast orgasms. Wow. Like hard, fast orgasms. Yes, yes. Interesting. It's like steroids. It's almost like you have an orgasm in your brain. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And the tits get all big and veiny. That's cool. I'm all about that. She's not veiny. Yeah. Oh, wacky. It's a big roadmappy. I've seen some videos. I have seen a vein or two.

No, it's the best. I want to have another kid. She's 51, but just so we can have another pregnant sex. This is dusty. No, it was great. It's a great special. Check it out. Check it out.

It's right on damn YouTube. See, that's the thing. It's a good reason to get married or have a kid just so you can experience pregnancy. Because if you don't have a kid, you're going to go your whole life without ever fucking a pregnant lady. I don't know about that. That's a good point. You get them early in the first trimester. You want to get them in the third and second. Yeah, you want the third. Plus, it's my only chance to fuck a fat lady. I know for a fact that's not true. No, but now...

Soberly. Sober as an adult. I've heard at least five discreet stories about you fucking fat ladies from you. Only. I was just talking about this the other day, I think on Tuesdays, where all these people would be like, Liz loves the fat girl. That's his thing. And I'm like, no, I hate them. I have no self-esteem. They're disgusting. I just think that's what I can get.

I'm appalled by fake women. I hate myself. I hate them. It's just no one's having a good time. I'm just like, oh, no. They can pick up on my vibes. I had a big, heavy girl in Plattsburgh, New York that she broke a tile. That's how big she was. We were fucking in the shower, like a bathroom tile. Wow. And then she was blowing me on. She was on the toilet blowing me, and she pissed. It was like straight up fire hose. Oh, my God. It was like. What the fuck? It was insane. Insane.

She literally pissed while blowing me on the toilet. Oh, that's tough. That's tough stuff. And it was like a jarring piss. It was like a fucking, you know, like a race riot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. The fire hose. Yeah. What were you going to say, Sam? Oh, I still love the story of the girl that fucked you hard to buck cherry. Oh, yeah.

That was in Hartford Connect. I did a couple bits about it, but I've told the story before, but like, yeah, I met her at City Steam, and then she was like coming back, and she was like hot. She was a hot old lady. She was probably like 35, and I was 25, so it was like, oh, shit. And she had like a Mustang, and she was just driving like 90 miles an hour on the highway, like weaving in and out, and was just playing, you're a great

And then when she fucked me she was like on me and like yeah you fucking nerd And she had literally had crazy bitch on repeat and then I told at the time I was on Paxil and drinking and I have a hard time coming even not on your presence I just get in my head and We were fucking and she was like if you don't come I'm gonna be pissed. Yeah

And that made, I was like, dude, I'm really sorry. I'm just not going to be able to. But I'm enjoying that. I'm having a nice time. And she got mad and she drove me back. She drove me back to my hotel. And we're just back on the highway. No crazy bits this time. Just silence? Yeah. Tough, dude. Also, the fat girl, at the time, I was with my friend Tom Dustin. Did you come when the fat girl blew you? No, I never came on one night stands, ever. Never came? No. How did you play that off?

I would just be like, I'm drunk or whatever. Yeah, I have a lot of problems. Have you ever faked busting inside of a condom?

I've heard of some guys doing that. I think I have, maybe. I've done that a couple times. Yeah. Yeah. Gross. What? Fake and busting? No, just you and a condom. Oh, I'm sorry. Condoms are yucky, yeah. Oh, you're not. Yeah, sorry. I'll roll, dog. The guy who has herpes. Yeah. The rubber is just really kind of gross. Yeah.

But, yeah, oh, that girl, this is literally 25 years ago, and I was with Tom Dustin, my friend, who I just made a documentary about. I want to plug that. I don't know when this comes out. Yes, please. This actually will come out pretty soon, right? In September. Oh, okay. October 10th, we're doing a premiere. Let me know if you're around, if you want to come. You'll probably be out of town. It's in Village East Cinemas. I made a documentary, full-length feature. Hell yeah. It's really good.

And it's a good movie. It's really exciting. And then we're going to have it on Punch-Up. We'll sell it. Cool. You're screening it in... Yeah. You're doing it in New York? Great. It'll be at Scankfest, too, if this is before that. But anyways, he was in the same room having sex with a lady also. In the same bathroom? Yeah.

No, we went to the bathroom for privacy. I see, I see. We're not animals. We're not animali. So she asked me for my phone number, and at the time, all I had was house number. I didn't have a cell phone number. And for some reason, and Tom always got mad at me, I thought if I gave a fake number, he'd be like, nah, that's not his number. So I just gave my actual number, and Tom was like, I would never do that to you. So anyways, four days later,

My mother's like, someone named whatever her name was. Barbara called. Wait, you called? You gave her your family's house number? Yeah, I lived at home. You still lived at home? I was like 21 years old. You gave her the Liz family landline? Yeah, she called Deb. Deb.

And my mother was like, yeah, she said, I asked, will he know who you are? And she said, oh, he knows who I am. And my mother had to retell the story to me, and I was like, oh, my God, I had to crinkle it up and throw it away. That's insane that the lady who pissed while sucking your dick has talked to your mother. Yeah, yeah. It's so bad. And asked where you are. Wow.

And gave her like, he knows who I am. Oh, he knows. Yeah, I did something real special. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Yeah, that's bad. I had very low self-esteem and very serious drinking problem. And that's how I got Sarah. Right, right, right. That's right. And that was in a very low point in my life.

Yeah, that shit was going bad for both of you. Well, Sarah didn't want to date me because I had herpes. And just shit in a shoe. It was questionable. And he had shit in a shoe. That was fresh, the shit in a shoe story. Very fresh. And I wasn't... I was trying to leave that world behind. Of course. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. Can I just say it worked out really well? That I...

I was trying to work out a bit like this. Sometimes you just have to push through those red flags. And sometimes there's a nice green grass on the other side of those red flags. Yeah. On paper, it wasn't great. On paper, it made the absolute worst choice you could have. I had sucked back in. No money, herpes, and had just shit in the girl's shoe. Alcoholic.

Just shit in a girl's shoe. And what was going on with you? What was your life? I was newly sober. Okay. Yeah. You still weren't. You were still drinking. Yeah. Yeah. When I shit in the shoe, yeah. I don't know. Maybe a long road trip, you know. A lot of oatmeal. Yeah, you were doing okay.

yeah you were sober you were working i yeah i had about a year or two years of sobriety but then i was gonna probably break up if he didn't get sober but i never did an ultimatum so he did it all on his own yeah we had a moment at the caroline's christmas party i went it was open bar and i went out drinking those christmas parties how many comedians

start sobriety because of one of those open bars. Right. That was the funniest idea. Me and my friend Ira Proctor, great comic that used to drink like a maniac with me. We always thought it was the funniest idea of comedians having a holiday party. Like, we're going to just let our hair down. Yeah, right, right, right. Have a few drinks and just cool out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of that is like you're in the office, a tie, working hard. And we're like, tonight we're going to have a couple cocktails. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get a little loose. The people that have been getting drunk after like a weekly show every week, three times a week. Right. That's awesome. But anyways, we closed the party and then me and Phil Hanley and Norman went to a diner and we were like drinking beers at the diner. This is actually almost at the end. It was my last Christmas party drinking. And I was coming home at like eight in the morning and I bumped into Sarah on her way to her job. Oh my God. And I was like, hey. Hey.

I remember being like, Joe? I'm like, hey man, where are you off to? I'm like in corporate wear. Yeah, that was bad. Yeah, it's all right. We got through it all. Just another year of drinking after that? Yeah, and we hate confrontations, so we're married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just both avoiding an argument. Yeah. We also always joke like,

You know, in wedding speeches, it's always like, I just knew the moment I saw him. Ours is like, I just, when I first saw Joe, I was like this,

Okay. Yeah, I don't remember meeting Sam. Literally. I was like, yeah, she's just around. No memory. She remembers. It was at the creek, right? It was at the creek and then I think we did a Sheba Mason show and you were like fucked up. Just a bringer and he's drunk? Yes. Oh yeah, I was with a girl when we went, did the Sheba Mason show. I was with my girlfriend then.

That's also weird because Sarah got to watch me like go through a horrific break up. Oh, he was devastated. Yeah. Just devastated. And he was just a guy who was around. Right. He lived two blocks over. That was also another selling point. It's like, I love that Joe was just so close. I just get so lazy. I'm tired of going to Brooklyn. Yeah.

I just want a guy that lives two blocks away from me. That's awesome. Yeah, you can walk home. Well, also, Sarah, I'm bad with signals. So we had a fake comedy award show, Laker Awards. And I won the Gentleman's Gentleman Award for being the nicest guy. But basically, it was because I shit in a girl's shoe. And I thought it would be funny to be like, this has been a weird year. I got herpes. So I just announced that I had herpes, which was not. This was 15 years ago. That wasn't acceptable. Nobody was doing it.

that. You're a trailblazer. I really am. Nobody's doing it now. I'm Clyde Drexler, baby. So then I came back and Sarah was like,

Hey, I think it's really good that you said it's really nice. And I thought like this bitch has herpes and wants to fuck. But it turns out she's actually just a nice person who was trying to be supportive. And so I was like, I read you. Yeah. It's on. Yeah. And then I was actually shocked that she didn't have herpes. I was like, oh, you don't have herpes? Why did you say that was cool? Because I had empathy for you? Yeah. I was like, oh.

This gets so annoying when people, you tell, you have herpes that they get so weird. Like, even when you do it as a joke, like I was talking about it as a joke on stage because I remember the time that Joe wanted to start having unprotected sex and I was like, oh, I don't know. But one of the big things that held me back, I was like, can we wait until I get a better job? Yeah.

I'd rather be like a successful comic with herpes. Right, right, right. That makes sense. I kind of know what you're talking about from like a just, I don't know. Like I don't need another thing to make me feel bad about myself, but then it's also like,

I wish more people just talked openly that they have this stuff because it's actually not that big of a deal. We have our friend Benny Buttcheeks. He went on a pro herpes rant. And it is statistically. Most people probably have it. And you've probably fucked somebody that has had herpes. Yes. I definitely... I know that I have. They told me. They told me I did, right? Afterward. That's all I got. One girl did say afterward, actually, which kind of pissed me off. Oh, that's very cool. Yeah. She was hot, too. If only...

Do you know her name or Instagram handle or anything like that? I don't, actually. No, I don't. She had red hair. I'll text you that. We'll talk. But yeah, I think it is actually way too stigmatizing. Most people have it. It's actually not that big a fucking deal. Yeah. I've told this story before, too. I had sex with a woman one time. Or no, I almost did.

There was only a few people I had to tell because I had this brief period before Sarah and I started dating. But I remember telling this woman, we were in bed making out, and I was like, I gotta let you know, I have herpes. And she was like, oh! What? Oh, God! Oh, God!

But I was like, well, you're doing all the things you do to get herpes. You're me being considerate away from getting herpes. Like I met you two hours ago and we're in your bed. I could be a complete piece of shit and you could have herpes just like that. This is like, it's not that crazy. I just got it by doing what you're doing right now. But yeah, she was awful. And that reaction is not going to make me...

be forthright with information. Yeah. I was like, just kidding. And then you fuck her. Just kidding. I don't have herpes.

Call them. Forget about it. Just to show her who's boss. I always say this, though. If you have herpes, if you're a woman with herpes and you want to fuck a guy and you're nervous, just tell him after your tits are already out. Because that's what happened to me. And I was like, she could have told me she had razor blades in her pussy. I was like, well, we're fucking. I don't care. Whatever. That's interesting because haven't we gotten this question before on the podcast? And I said something. I didn't think about tits, but I just said like,

After making out. Because that's what happened to me. One girl didn't tell me until afterwards. And then one girl we're making out and she's like, hey...

I have herpes. I'm like, my dick is hard. You think I'm not fucking at this point? It's like, we'll use a condom. She's on meds, whatever, you know? I didn't use a condom, though. That's insane. That's fucking crazy. Well, that's what Jeff Weschelschmidt had a joke. I think maybe a roast joke about Joe. He basically just poured herpes all over his dick.

What are you going to do? Well, she was a nice girl and I had feelings for her. I get it. Yeah. And also, I didn't have sex with a lot of people I liked. I liked her. Right. Right, right, right. You weren't going to let pesky herpes get in the way of that. Absolutely not. Yeah. Oh, baby, football season's here.

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How many people would you say in your life have you liked that you've had sex with? I can probably count them. That's a shocking question because it's like everybody can answer that being like, you know, sadly...

Only a small handful. I'm coming up with like five. Well, it's like girlfriend. I'm trying to think and like. Well, a lot of girls just feel bad because they get to a certain point. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's a lot of guilt involved. And it's easier to say to just fuck somebody than like be like. Deal with the emotional energy that you have to deal with. I'm going to say five. Five.

out of an undisclosed number. It's not a great percentage, I'll say that. That's interesting. Yeah. You got to be in the triple digits.

I don't know. I'm not counting. Well, some of them you're just like, well, I don't even really know them. Yeah, exactly. I could. Who knows? Maybe I'm really compatible with a few of them. I might like them. I got to know them, maybe. Maybe I might like them a lot. If we had spoken. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, confirmed five, I think.

Between, yeah, girlfriends and people I dated. It's actually probably slightly more than that. Well, anyone I liked, I was too nervous to ask to have sex. I was too like, uh...

It was only people I really had disdain for that I was like, why don't we fuck? It's like the art of not giving a fuck in that situation. Yeah. And then this was more of a, you guys were just kind of, you just wore each other down or what was the, you kind of just were around for a while. I think I wore you down. I kept being like, why don't we just date? We're buddies. Come on. And then, and then I remember you and Nikki Glaser were like talking about boys.

And I had to be like, we got to not be friends. Because I'm like, I can't be like friends with a girl I want to have sex with if she's talking about boys. He was worried he was getting into the friend zone. Of course. Well, I was like, this is just gay. I'm like, I can't like try to fuck you. And then you'd be like, yeah, I wanted to fuck this guy. And so I kind of severed the, I was like, we can't really be friends. And then shortly after that, you were like, oh, let's go hang out. That does unfortunately work. Yeah. It's not even unfortunate. You just have to be clear about what you want.

like joe was just really nice and i got along with him yeah like other people other relationships i've been in like sometimes you're just like i actually don't know if we like each other right right yeah but that dick is so good am i right sister but you get a guy like joe he's nice dick's okay great dick beautiful dick tell them about my dick guys it's glorious

Big thumbprint on it for masturbating. Herpes scars. Wart removal scars. It's been through a lot. It's been through a lot. Through the ringer, baby. It's got character. It really is. Like a beautiful antique piece.

but we were buddies we lived down the street and uh we said hey we'll give it a try we could just hang out i just enjoyed your company that's sweet i wish i could say the same but yeah i know i know well it's gotten a lot worse that's right that's great romance baby no it's great it's always easy now we got a little marty in the mix right he's in the mix baby i gotta come by and see him i bet he got a bunch of others last time i saw him now oh

He has one tooth. It's a lateral incisor. It's a little... Everybody's bottom. You can't find anything on Google that says anybody's ever had this happen. Yeah. It's always the front bottom, and he's got this one over here. The top, the top right. Yeah. It's like a little can opener. I love it. But yeah, you're the answer to a trivia question. First comedic friend to visit. I was there the first time he shit. Yeah. There you go. I remember that. I remember you guys being like, he shit. Yeah.

He took his first shit. I was there as he shat. It's crazy how you're holding him with your hands like this, which is crazy. Yeah, he was like a little football. Yeah, he was little as hell. Yeah, you got to come back. I got to come see him. He eats food now. Wow, what's his fave? What's his favorite food? He likes oatmeal with bananas. Does he have a favorite? Is banana his favorite fruit?

It's up there. Strawberries. Strawberries. I like strawberries. My friend's kid loves watermelon. He's a big watermelon guy. He likes to make these watermelon popsicles for him because it feels good on his gums. Hell yeah. Yeah. Have you given him anything unhealthy yet? I gave him chocolate cake today. Hell yeah. Some mac and cheese. Yeah. Oh, and fried chicken, too. And french fries. We went fucking crazy. As I'm listing this, I'm like, holy shit. You're not kidding? No, we were in a birthday party. Yes.

He has one tooth and he gave him fucking french fries and fried chicken? Well, it was our friend's birthday party. Our friend, Louis C.K. I'll just say this. Chris Rock was there. Okay? All right, nice. His first black. He did okay. Yeah, yeah. He did okay.

He did Boston okay. He's screaming the whole time. Tries to bite him. He's trying to zip tie his hair. It's fucking crazy. I don't know where he got them. We've been around many black people. I'm only kidding. Ian Lara. He loved Ian Lara. Mia Jackson. He thought he was another baby. Mia Jackson. Ian Lara.

The other one's somewhere. It's worse if you list them. It's worse if you try and tick them off. I think he was with one homo at a point. Wasn't he? I think he was.

I think he was near a queer. Yeah. We're trying to mark all the boxes. Yeah. Smart, smart. No, but he did eat. Yeah, we gave him french fries, mac and cheese, a little bit of fried chicken and chocolate cake. That's a little bit. And then he barfed on my shirt. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how he barfed. I don't know. Respect, yeah. He's probably barfing all over Tony right now. Yeah.

Are we doing it on time? Because we do. We got to get them over there. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get some questions. We're at 42 right now. Oh, beautiful. We're right on time for some questions then. Just making sure our babysitter hasn't written them. Yeah, let's solve some questions here. Some problems. Go see the special. It's right now available. It's on YouTube. We have a link on where you're watching it. Oh, can I plug Town Hall November 9th? Absolutely. Town Hall November 9th. I'm...

not sold out town hall, November 9th. Go see our friend Joey. Thank you. New York city. What do you got for us? Uh, so I had a little bit of a come up a couple of years ago and since then it's been treating myself to a full body massage once every six weeks or so. Okay. Uh, the massage therapist is really, really good. She's, uh, used to work with my wife. Um,

But the problem is that my wife and I have been together for like nine years now, and she barely touches me. So whenever I'm like on the table on my back and this woman is working my shoulders and neck and all that shit, it is taking every ounce of self-control I have to not pitch a full fucking tent underneath the massage blanket.

this is like a professional masseuse this is like he met this lady because she worked with his wife right this is crazy that it's not like anyway that's just so fucking funny he's clearly going to the most legitimate place possible most medical yeah yeah she's playing scrubs anyway keep going Eldest she's like a sports therapist yeah yeah there's an old lady rehabbing her fucking hip in the next room fuck

Go ahead, Aldous. Let's finish this up. The massage blanket. It is, you know, I've been succeeding so far. I've been just keeping it half-masked. And, you know, I feel like if you are a massage therapist, you should take a little bit of gentle tumescence as a compliment. I don't know about that. Yeah, I don't know. I've been trying to just think about shit like Dungeons & Dragons or, like, you know, how can I avoid...

creeping this girl out. Yeah, thanks. This is crazy. I got a lot of thoughts. Yeah, please. Go ahead, Joe. Go ahead. Well, first of all, this is a very funny guy. You can tell it's a funny guy. I want to hang with this guy. He seems funny. Yeah.

Very impressive that you have your wife's friend giving you a full body massage and you're managing to not be hard. If any one of my wife's friends touched my body, I would be fucking, I would cum. She's a co-worker. No, no, no. It sounds like it's a woman who gave his wife massages or something. Essentially, it's used to work with my wife. Okay, so they're not like friends. Yeah, the way I read, we used to work with my wife is she's my wife's masseuse.

Right, okay. Yes, that's how I got it. I was thinking it was like, hey, I'm going down to see your high school buddy. You know that girl he used to work at the restaurant with? She's going to give me a full body rub down. I was thinking, I'm like, what? I was like, your wife is cool. At 9 p.m. at night? Weird. But yeah, my minute thought is go to a rub and tug. Just get it rubbed out. Well, I think he doesn't want to, right? See if he's married. Why don't you pay your wife?

What? Maybe pay your wife. Maybe she'll touch you like that. Pay your wife to jerk you off?

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. I would love to get paid to joke. I love that we just get divorced during this. Well, maybe if you just did it on your own. Yeah, so, I mean, how do you not get hard during a massage? There's also so many little...

that don't really get pulled at here. Like the whole, my wife hasn't touched me for nine years. That's something we're supposed to just gloss over. Well, they're together nine years and now she barely touches. So that might have been a new development. Yeah, what's that about? Maybe because you're going to a massage therapist frequently. And he also had a come up. What's the come up?

Right. Like, did he lose a lot of weight? Did he get a high paying job? Must be financial, right? I think that's money. Yeah. That's why he can afford the massage. So it's like, okay, come up,

your wife are doing... You and your wife are doing poorly. It's like, why is your question, how do I not get hard during the massage and not how do I get my wife to show me physical affection again? Isn't that so much more important? Here's some real advice. I would say go get a couple's massage so you can at least have it going together and then maybe try to use this. Bring this into the bedroom. Or have a guy massage you. But he's trying to get...

hard here. That's not going to help him. Okay, so we're trying to get him hard? Yeah, trying to get him to... What's our goal? His wife, I say bring this in. Go, hey, I got to tell you, between you and me, whenever I get a massage, it kind of fucking makes me... What do you think about that? And maybe you can do a little role play, spice it up. The role play's not bad. I say if you pretend that the first time you got hard was when your wife was there...

Right. If you're like, something about being with you and that massage, that situation, normally I don't find them erotic, but when you were there, it got my dick really hard. This is a good writer's room. I put up an idea and you added something to something. But I...

like a lot of women will be like yeah I totally get it you get comfort boners like boners when you're like yeah when you're like comfortable like you guys get boners at places that you're like I would never expect for you to get a boner so it's not like yeah so it wouldn't like it wouldn't be super surprising where you're like oh I totally get it

But I see what you're saying, and this may be a bit of a stretch, but I think that's not a bad idea to kind of be like, hey, why don't I... Something about being in there with you kind of turned me on. Why don't I try giving you a massage, and then he gives her a massage, and then kind of like role plays into it? I don't know. Ultimately, you've got to start having sex with your wife. That's the real problem. Right. You can't be with someone you're not having sex with. It doesn't work. It's no good. Or it's like...

His answer is like, how do I not get a boner when really it should be like, maybe how do I end my marriage? Yeah. Start dating this massage therapist. Yeah, you could go to a do. You could jerk off right before. Right. That's the actual, if you want the Occam's razor here, the simplest answer, it's beat off right before. And then, you know, you can't even chemically get hard probably. But what's going on with you and your wife, brother? Yeah.

That's really what we need to figure out here. Yeah. Why is she barely touching you? Yeah. Even after the come up. Yeah. What's the come up? Are you working too much? Did you get a big promotion, but you sacrificed your home life? All we can go off here is just...

off the very little information he gave us. And especially if you're making money, you got to let these bitches know if they ain't fucking, you'll leave them. Hit the bricks, whore. Yeah. If you ain't sucking me off, I'm out the door. Get the sucking or get the trucking. That's what I always say. Exactly.

Right, hon? You ain't getting to Battery Park City if you're not sucking this guy up. If you want to live in BPC, you better be giving him a handy every once in a while.

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I'm a 29-year-old guy. I've been a bit of a dilemma. I was friends with this girl from high school, and she was super hot. Never made a move on her because we had a good friendship going on. Oh, yeah, definitely. But we were always kind of flirting a little bit, and I found out just now, 10 years later, that she has an OnlyFans. And I haven't been in touch with her or anything like that.

But I don't know if it's appropriate for me to reach out to her. I know some OnlyFans girls don't like that.

line of thinking. Yeah. Hey, I realize that she's actually selling nudes of herself, so that must mean she's available for me to fuck. So should I hit her up personally? Like, obviously I can fuck her. Right. It's just, what's the best way? It's like, this hot woman is selling, is like, you know, it'd be like finding out somebody's a stripper. It's like, yeah, I could definitely fuck her now. It's like... Right, and it's also...

on her behalf, like, wait, so how did you find out I was doing OnlyFans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you stalking me? I know, that's also true. She's like, I just happened to find out. It's like, wait, what was the beginning? They went to high school together?

Yeah. They were friends in high school, but he never made a move. Well, because they had such a good friendship. Right. Definitely not because he's a coward or knew he was going to get rejected. And I say this as a coward who never made a move on any of the hot girls I was friends with in high school. We touched on this earlier. Yeah. But...

Anyway. Let's hear him out. There's more nuance than you might suspect. I'm sure there's more. It's just a very funny way to be like, I recently found, like, why lead with I found out she had an OnlyFans? Why not like, hey, there's this girl I liked in high school that I want to reconnect with. Anyway, whatever. Go ahead, Elders.

What about just women? That's not a thing.

I feel like I don't want to reach out on Facebook or anything like that because I don't want to like stay in the friend zone. - The friend zone? - And I'm not really like looking to start up anything serious. - What? - I kind of want to fulfill that fantasy. I'm actually married. - What? No. What? What? How is this worse? How is this worse? This guy's gotta be trolling. What the fuck? This is crazy.

He can't be serious. What is he trying to say? What do you mean, relive your past? Right.

uh, you know, have a little bit of money to spend on OnlyFans, so... Okay, pause this for a second. So wait, it sounds like he's just asking to get on her OnlyFans, not fuck her. Is that right? Because it sounds like both are happening. Right. Because he's like, my wife lets me watch porn, so maybe I can fuck this woman? Oh, is he just asking if he can jack off to her? That's what it seems like. It seems like he's asking if he can sub to her OnlyFans, but also reach out to her. But I don't know if he's necessarily trying to, like, fuck her. Here's the... Okay, okay. Does he want a free subscription? Maybe.

Yeah, he's like, how about for old time's sake? I think maybe what he's asking is, I want to... Because he said the phrase customer a couple times. So it seems like he wants to pay her for her services. I guess what he's saying is, he wants a very specific fantasy of, what if I fucked a girl from high school? Oh.

He wants her, he wants to be clear on her. He doesn't just want to jack off this girl. He wants to like maybe pay her for sexting or something where it's specific about, or pay her for a video where she's like, oh, I always wanted to fuck you in high school. I mean. And he's going to ask his wife for this? No, no, no, no. He's so far he's asked how to go about reaching out to this girl. Why don't we finish? Let's see if he clarifies. Yeah, I've not listened to this three, four times. I understand this. I need to spend on OnlyFans, so.

I thought, yeah, like maybe she'd appreciate having a customer, but I would definitely want to let her know that it's me. Like, I don't want to just stay anonymous and act like I'm some regular Joe on her OnlyFans. Like for me, the whole point of it, I guess the whole like thrill of it is knowing that it's that she knows that it's me and that it's like we're back in high school kind of.

So, yeah, let me know your thoughts. I don't know if I'm, like, a total piece of shit for wanting to do this or if it's not really, like, that wrong of me to render her services if she's putting it out there to the public. So, I guess...

Oh. Yeah. I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. Definitely not. Big fan of the show. Thanks, God. Well, the last part you're like... It's definitely not good for you. It's also, the last part is like, it's not about her, it's about your wife. Right, right, right. He's like, I don't know if that's weird for her. He's like, I don't know if I'm a bad guy for doing this to her, but you're like, well, you have a wife. Right, right, right. That's the weird part. Not this woman. Okay, so this is interesting, though, because he is essentially saying this is the most...

high-level version of jacking off to high school memories, right? Like, you know the fantasy of like, what if this girl, what if I just got to fuck the hot girl from high school, right? He's essentially saying...

I don't want to mess with this girl. I want to pay her to, I guess, maybe for a custom video. I don't know exactly what her services are. Where it's like, she's saying shit like, oh, Johnny, I always wanted to suck you off in algebra. You know what I mean? Bobby. Yeah, did he say that? Yeah, Bobby. Oh, damn. Okay, nice. Bobby Kelly. Yeah, this is Bobby Kelly. Maybe he said, thanks, Dobby, and it made it sound better. I got you. I got you. Sorry. No, all the women Bobby went to fucking high school with are dead now. Oh, my God.

So this... So basically he's saying, is this... So there's a couple things. You're right, Joe. He hasn't even broached the issue of, is this a form of cheating? Is this level of engagement, is like paying for sex work? Paying for porn is one thing, right? Whatever. He's like, she lets me watch porn. Which I guess, I get what he's talking about. But the second it starts becoming...

super specific to you and you're saying it's a I want her to know it's me you know what I mean it's like it's the difference between watching porn and going for example to a rub and tug or go like some people don't mind if you go to a strip club but maybe they mind if you get

a lap dance every week from the same girl over and over again. You know what I mean? Right. Some of this, from the wife's perspective, is case by case. Yeah, I mean, you're a wife. I mean, I feel like there's a weird line between like, hey, you watch porn while you're gone, watch porn. I think it's different for you to be like,

Hey, you want to message a girl you know well and have her send you personalized toys? It's not even like an OnlyFans girl you don't know who you're just purely physically attracted to. Right. Even that's a bit of a line of like having some kind of relationship with her can be weird when you're already married, obviously. But like this is so... You're right. It's so specific. Yeah, it feels like a...

Where there's a little bit of sinister to it. Because I think it feels like a power dynamic that he wants to play out. I was in the friend zone, but I have you as an only fan. But now, for $100, you can do whatever the fuck I want. Well, that's the other thing, though. So that's one perspective, right, Joe? You're right. Is this cheating? He said something to that extent, but he's not as worried about it as much as he is

He's justifying it by saying she lets me watch porn. Right, right. It's also a good point of the... Because, yes, this girl is on OnlyFans.

But that doesn't mean she fucking wants people she knows. Right. Like, I don't like when my fucking... When people I know go to comedy shows. Right. Let alone looking at my fucking asshole if I was showing... Like, just because she's doing that doesn't mean she wants you to do it. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, she got a job, but it might be weird for her if you get those services. You know what I mean? The same way if you were like...

a stripper saw somebody from high school that might be weird same way if like yeah someone from only fans might be it might be some some might not give a fuck some might get a kick out of it some might just be like great this is the kind of customer i can milk for even more because he's fucking pathetic and a loser which is how i read this by the way it's fucking weird you want to do this dude you got to move on um but like so but so but at the end of the day i think you know

You can reach out, but understand that she doesn't owe you anything. She might find it weird and she might block you on everything if she finds your behavior to be like a little out. She can refuse a customer, basically. She might be into this. She might not be into this. And you have to be open to that.

If we've even cleared the fact of whether you should do this because you're married or not. Right, right. So there's like, there's two women who might really not want this to happen. Both the girl. Yeah, he's just bumming everybody out. No one but you wants to get this nut off. And then what do you really want out of this? You want her to be like, do you think she means, I mean, no disrespect, man, but like,

This is not going to make you go back in time and fuck this girl when you're 17. Right. And she's not going to be like, wow, you seem really cool now. Yeah. Yeah. That's the other thing, too, is like removed from the what? Like you're going to do something a little shady as far as being married. Yeah. But I would either reach out to her on Facebook, like you're saying, like, hey, remember me?

Like, if you're going to do a cheating activity, reach out to her on Facebook and be like, hey, would you want to get together and get a copy and do something? Or anonymously jerk off to her OnlyFans. Yes. This weird thing of reaching out through her OnlyFans and being like, it's me. Like, you're doing... It's me. It's me.

Either one is weird. Either one is like bad, but better than doing what you're taking the worst situation to me. It's being like, hi, it's me, Bobby. This is the one that hurts the most people because it's like, no one likes it. Even you. Because I think you're right, Sarah. There is a weird power thing here. Right, because I actually picture the friendship not even being in high school. Like,

He must have thought it could have been like a guy in her class and they joked about one thing. For sure. Yeah. So I don't know what their dynamic was even back then, but I don't really picture it. If you're not talking throughout this. Also, how old is he? Say how old he is. Like how long ago was high school? I think he said 29. Oh, wow. 29. Okay. Okay. So not that long. So how common is he? 10 years. 10 years.

10 years. Are there girls that I went to high school with on OnlyFans? Probably. I find myself in the same predicament. Yeah, probably. I'm like, huh. You know what? This guy's a good guy. Yeah. This isn't a bad idea. Huh. Who are you? Yeah. So yeah, I would either cheat on your wife like a gentleman by reaching out directly or cheat on your wife by going anonymously on her phone.

Whatever the fuck it's called. OnlyFans. Using it... Yeah. Actually using your OnlyFans as if it was Pornhub. Like a normal person. Not like, hey, say, you know, read my name and fucking call... Invite me to the prom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, show me your... Pull your tits out and say you'd love to go to prom with me. This is just another general side question. He's like, she lets me watch porn, but I'm like, well, how could she stop you from watching porn? Like, you can watch porn. Right. Like...

Well, that's the thing. That's again, you're right. He's using that as a loophole because there is nothing, there's nothing wrong with being like, you know what? I actually respect people who are like, I watch porn. I would rather pay people. I would write. Cause it's, you know, I get being like, I should pay for my porn directly and I don't have a personal relationship with them. I'm just jacking off to it. That's fine. But this is not, he's using that loophole as cover for a bit of a weird activity. And then I would say to yourself, look inward, my friend.

What is this gonna solve? Right. You need to be out of here, bro. We all wish we got pussy in high school. Right. It didn't happen. You need to move on. This is just a weird activity. I think in my read on the situation is my advice to you would be given that it's a little weird in the context of a marriage. It could seem really weird and creepy to this woman.

And that it's kind of emotional. Like, here's the thing. You don't do this once and you're like, ah, I never want to do any weird sex shit ever again. This is picking at a little scab. You don't want to open that up, brother. You don't need to explore that weird power dynamic version of yourself. You're never going to get over this. I say stay away. Beat off, if you must, beat off anonymously. But I would say just...

Stay away, man. This is not something you want to fucking go down. Find another girl that looks like her. That's what I was going to say, too. There's so many. Just also, same as my last recommendation, is...

Ever hear of fantasizing? Right, right. Fuck your wife and pretend it's this fucking idiot. Or do this and then go, hey, wouldn't it be fun if we pretended I was in high school? Yeah, put your wife in a letterman's jacket. Yeah, exactly. And a strap and suck the strap on that she's wearing. Yeah, you don't need to go...

to go on fucking only just be like hey boy yeah put on pigtails honey yeah right and call me a fucking dork and punch me in the arm and then i'll eat you out right right you're so right not enough fantasy out here it feels like he doesn't even respect her he goes maybe she'd be happy to have a customer like oh i know the vibes are a little off the vibe is off yes yes and i just know it we all have this darkness in us don't feed this type of darkness right do not feed this my friend

Work a spiritual path. Yeah. This is not a good spiritual path. This is not good. You're on the demon's path to hell. Next question, Elders.

Stavi, LD, illustrious guest, appreciate your time. Try to break up the monotony of dudes just asking if it's the ethics of cheating on their girlfriend. Thank you. So fucking perfectly timed. I work a blue collar job, sheet metal worker by trade. Nice. We had a new guy start and like all of the guys on my job, all we do is bust holes all day, you know, call each other gay, cool stuff like that. Classic. So,

New guy started. We have, like, a great line of communication. If anybody on our site is pissing us off, we're like, hey, man, don't like that you're doing this. Don't love that you're doing that. So the new guy's like, hey, I don't like that you guys joke so much. You know, like, sometimes I just want work. Or like, okay, cool, whatever, man. Like, you know, he can't take jokes, whatever. Come to find out later, the new guy, he's more...

His thing is, oh, I just don't know how to joke back when you guys, you know, kind of bust my balls. I don't know what to say back. So I guess my question is, do you think you can train someone to bust balls? Do you think you could train someone to be funny or is it just an inherent gift? Is it just something you learn from kind of riffing with the guys? Appreciate your time. Have a good one, boys. Interesting.

I don't think you can train to bust balls. I can think maybe with comedy a little bit to find your inner comedic voice. But I don't know how you would train someone to do ball busting. Well, but I guess it's not so much train as like, can this guy just fucking...

Chill. Stop being a fucking pussy. You know what I mean? It's like... It's like that's the... Because like growing up, there were definitely kids who were not good at it, right? Right. Or like people just who weren't good at it. And I remember just taking beatings. Like when I first moved to New York and it's like not being confident, just getting shit on, you know? Like Bob, just Bobby. Bobby and like all his friends just essentially like...

jumping you when you first moved to New York. I remember times where Bobby would just call Colin Quinn to shit on me with him on the phone. Like, these guys were just... What am I going to say to these guys? I'm scared. It's like, there were years where I was just too scared to say anything back. And that's also part of it. And maybe this guy...

Over time, you just kind of get it. You know what I mean? You find out their weaknesses. Yes, absolutely. Over time, you get to know these people. You hear what's good, what works on shitting on them and that kind of thing. Yeah, I also think, and we have this a lot in comedy, because surprisingly, there's people that don't bust balls.

And I'm close friends with a lot of people from both sides. Sure. There's some people, I see you and I'm like, ah, you fucking homo, you fucking suck, whatever, whatever, whatever it is, you know, herpes, ah. Yeah, yeah. And there's some people that just don't do that. Sure. Like when you see like Nick Griffin, I'm not like, hey, nice shirt, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah. They're not...

I love people that bust balls and love people that don't bust balls. I'm a Boston Irish Catholic. Yes. That's my love language. But there's plenty of people that just don't do that. And you've got to just be like, well, we're doing this. And yeah, I wouldn't try to be like, here's how you do it. Right. Because they're not going to be good. Call him gay. Yeah. That's all you got to do. That really is it. You're like, that's gay. Especially adults. It's like, you're not just going to all of a sudden have a 30-year-old guy be like,

yeah you too you fat ass and they're just gonna do it wrong you're right you're right you're right I think we have that sometimes with like social media people kind of watch our podcast and they think and they'll be like yeah you fucking nice herpes you crooked tooth piece of shit and I'm like I don't know this guy I don't know you at all I hate you yeah yeah yeah so I think I would just not even try and it's like the godfather best your interest don't conflict with my you do your thing and I'll be over here and who knows maybe this guy over time will pick it up a little bit you know what I mean but it's like

You know, maybe take it easy on him a little bit, whatever. But in terms of training...

I really think the only thing is through osmosis, legitimately. Yeah. I do think some... I think that's also a big part of why people... Why the funniest comics in New York is like, you're just around so many funny people that the baseline for what's funny to you just is raised up. You know what I mean? And it's like, that's... You know, just being around incredibly funny people for the last decade...

I feel funnier because of it, right? Like, I feel... As much as, like, podcasting is fucking annoying, how many hours do you think we've put in to just, like, trying to talk and be... Like, there's no way that hurts, right? Like, just trying to riff. Even though most of it's dog shit. I don't know how you fucking people listen to all this. But, like, you get better... All right, relax, Eldis. You get better at it. And so I think the only thing I'll say is...

If it hurts this guy's feelings, lay off him. But just, you know, if you guys are having a good time, it doesn't mean you have to be silent. Keep up your rapport. And then maybe over time, it might be years, he might get into it. You know what I mean? Yeah, he might be the best. Yeah, you never know. Late bloomer. I got to just address one thing.

He says early on, he's like, we all just call each other gay. And then at the bottom he goes, is this just an inherent gift? Was I born with some, am I gifted? Because I call my buddies a homo and it's pretty good. He's like, is that something you can teach? I don't know, man. Am I a prodigy? Only God gives you that. Am I the beautiful, am I Russell Crowe in a beautiful mind? But it's different slurs. It's like a chalkboard full of slurs.

different fucking slurs to call people. I know, it's so funny. It's mostly... I think it's honestly... I think you're right, though. It is mostly cultural, right? Because it's like... You're right. You said Boston. Same thing. It's like me and Eldis have been friends forever. We have been insulting each other since we were seven years old. Right, right. And there is like a... Like just, you know, there is kind of a...

poor working class thing to that of like that is you know just calling each other pieces of shit there's just that's right I don't know how you talk to each other my family in Greece behaves the exact same way right and then I go to and then you go to other people same culture just different types of people my friends I met my friend from college's family Greek people too I just thought all Greek people were rude like that it's like no my family's all trash whether it's in America or here yeah it's like we all just relate that way although I think it's actually I feel

it feels very masculine to me because I don't feel like you get that a lot in the female, the woman comedy. That makes sense. Yeah. I have a theory about that. What is it? We men like each other. I think.

I wouldn't, I know, like we're lone wolves. What about growing up though? Was there like, like in the family you could do some family team riffing. Oh, we have alliances. I always call it like survivor. We're making alliances to the side. Yeah. I feel like if, and women in comedy, if they're like, yeah, well you got a fucking nice saggy tits to be like, fuck you, you whore. You got it from fucking women. Right. Right.

But I don't know. Yeah. Well, we'll see. Yeah, dude, you're fine. You don't really have a gift. You just kind of like to have a good time. And this guy will be fine. You're good. Keep busting balls, though. Don't stop busting balls completely because of this guy. You got to make that steel work fun. Absolutely. Hi, Stoddy, baby. So recently...

friend of mine got engaged we've all been friends for seven years and We went out just for drinks and her fiance tried to hook up with me whoa during that night I

I wanted to kind of pull her aside and tell her what happened, but she ended up getting to her before I could. And she got really upset with me. Imagine being that guy. Be like, that fucking bitch tried to suck my cock. Imagine striking out. Oh, dude, she went for my cock. You got to cut her out of your life completely. She's trouble.

She ain't your friend, I'll tell you that. Respect to him for even trying to cover his tracks. Oh yeah, dude. I like this guy. Anyway, sorry. She ended up getting to her before I could. And she got really upset with me. So we didn't speak for maybe three, four months. And then we made up and she believes me because she called off the engagement.

But let's cut to four months after that. They get back together. And...

We all go out to hang out again, and he tries to hook up with me again. Holy fuck, this guy's awesome. I love it. That's crazy. That's also got to do some wonders for your self-esteem if you're her. This guy rules. This guy's like, all right. I feel like that would work on me. The second time, he's like, wow, he's willing to risk his fucking marriage twice. Maybe I've got something. That's awesome.

Immediately, I pull her aside and I tell her. It's crazy. She's upset about the situation. Don't get me wrong. But she's happy that I told her. And then he turns around and kind of gets upset with me and now cuts to another two months, three months later. We're all good again. They're not engaged, but they're back together again.

How do I approach this with my friend and tell her, fuck this fucking dude? Yeah, I mean, she's stupid. He keeps trying to hook up with me. He's probably tried to hook up with a billion other girls. Hey, come on. Give yourself some credit. And I know she likes him or maybe feels like he's her only option because he's wealthy and she's 32. I don't know. Damn. Sorry, Sarah. Catching a tough stray there. That is a stray to the forehead.

This must be in the South. 32. You're married. You have a beautiful baby boy. I know that's just one of those that like the way she said it, I was like, ooh. It was like on the tip of her tongue for four seconds. 32. To think that at 32 you're desperate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so fucking weird.

I know, I know. Sarah was doing coke when this lady was born. I was living with roommates. Okay, keep going. 32, I don't know. But I would really love some clarity on how to approach this with her and maybe even approach things with him. It feels like a ridiculous situation, but I do love her.

And I want to continue to be her friend. So I would love some pointers. Thank you, Stav. Thanks, Dad. This, I mean, this is tough because your friend is fucking stupid if she's still with this guy. I just picture her, she's like really attractive and her friend's probably like the best friend in a rom-com. Now, I do want to know a detail, though. Yeah. What does it mean when she says, he's tried to hook up with me?

What is their rapport? Yeah, what are they doing on the side? Has he said, like, hey, let's make out? What's their relationship like? There is some weird questions here. Sure. Are they all just hanging out and he's like, hey, want to get fingered by me? Like, what is he? What do you mean he's trying to hook up? Is he just kind of flirty? Or do you guys have a flirty thing? And then he's like, hey, am I feeling something here? What's going on? Because it seems suspicious. Yeah.

I mean, I... Something's up here. I see what you're saying. I would like some clarity on that, too. It seems serious enough that, you know, he tried to spin zone it the first time, and then she broke the engagement off, and then they're back again. But you're right. Is this like...

He's being flirty or is this like he went in for a kiss? Right, he tried to hook up. To me, this is like he's flirting and he's like tries to kiss her or maybe even like fondles her or something. Yeah. That's kind of how I read it. But you're right. Sarah, if you say this guy tried to hook up with me, what does that mean? I guess like in this context, I would think it can't be like

If it's as innocent as she's saying, then it can't be in another location. So I would say lean in for a kiss at the bar. Or even just proposition, yeah. A DM, maybe. Or even being like, do you want to get out of here? Or like, meet me after this. Yeah. I'll go drop her off. Like, is it that explicit? I would say it's either... That's insane. I would say it's either a kiss, an attempt kiss, or like an explicit non-contact like...

You know. Right. Am I. Are you feeling something like just something over the line of clearly if she reciprocates, this leads to sex kind of thing. You know what I mean? Right. I like the picture as wealthy as just he owns like two Burger King franchises. I know. I mean, this does make sense if this guy's just a fucking rich dickhead. He's just trying to fuck all his girlfriend's friends. And it does.

I only think a mindset where I just can't picture people being that aggressive. But there are people that blow my mind how. For sure. Aggressive they can be. Basically, they'll be like, do you want to go fuck? And I'm like, that blows my mind. But I know it happens a lot. Yeah. Yeah. So. And it's probably. It probably works. Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. I know the opposite doesn't work because I'm always like, would you please make love to me? Yeah, it's true. So how do you approach this situation? I mean, I would to me, honestly, if she keeps going back, then like.

I think just at that point being like, all right, stay out of it. Well, also... And just like, even if he keeps... It'd be really funny if he just keeps trying to like... I know. Lean in. He's fucking Charlie Brown. And Lucy's holding her pussy. And he's like...

Also, 100%, he's cheating on you. Yeah, absolutely. Like, if he's taking swings with her friend over and over again, what's he doing with not her friends? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, absolutely. At his job. Yeah. Like, clearly this guy's cheating. And so, I don't know. I mean, the fact that it's with her complicates things just a tad because, like,

You're right, Sarah. What if this is like best friend in a rom-com complex? What if her friend is...

The not as attractive one. And she has like a complex about this. Yeah, she's like Lizzie's friend in Pride and Prejudice. Like, I'm a handsome woman. I have no prospects. Right, right, right, right. This is the only guy that's interested in me. And my family is in poverty. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate that you think the three of us have read Pride and Prejudice. Eldest has. I don't know if I had. Wow, really? I haven't read it. I've just watched both versions. Very similar. Yes.

I could get context clues in. But, wow, you haven't read Pride and Prejudice. That actually does shock me. I read Mansfield Park. One of the lesser known Oscars. For nerds. For nerds. Nerd. That is true. This is a guy that Joe can call a nerd. That must feel good, Joe. Blue collar by ass. Reading books.

Get the fuck out of here. This really was a fucking literary pussy. This fucking guy loved Madame Bovary. Yeah. I read Larry Bird's biography and shut it down. That's it. That's it. But yeah, like, at the end, this is kind of a hard thing people have to come up against, but at the end of the day,

If your friend wants to be with someone, you can give them advice, but they're going to be with who they want to be with. Right. It sucks, but it's the... All you have... And you just have to remember, I am their friend. You'll be there for her if she ever changes her tune with this guy, but it's...

All you can do is be a friend. And it's annoying when you see somebody do something that's bad for them, but put it on the record how you feel like, hey, this is bad for you. This relationship is bad for you. I don't think you should continue, but I'm here to support you, whatever you want. But yeah, you just have to, you have to recognize that. Like, it's just not, we can't control who our friends are with.

And sometimes it's like, you know, sometimes they're with people you think are bad and you're wrong about it. I don't think this is the case. But, you know, that's happened to me many times. It's never something like, oh, that guy or that girl is a fucking idiot. And then it works out and you were wrong. Right. I don't know that this is that case. But at the end of the day, your friend, your job is to be a friend to this person. You're not friends.

No one can really tell someone who to be with. That's one of the most like personal decisions there is. She's probably like annoyed that you keep coming to her. Yeah. Oh, what is he want to fuck you again? No, I was just asking. Also just have a threesome. Yeah, suck this probably Arab guy off. All right. Good, good, good luck. But, you know.

Your friend's kind of a dumb bitch, and you can't really do much about it. What do we got, Eldest? You got a couple nice ones here for us? Eldest, let's go. Fuck. Hey, Savi and guests. I'm a white guy, dad of three. I have three daughters. That's important later. I don't know. Interesting question. My six-year-old daughter wants to be Ice Spice for Halloween. That's awesome. And I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to say yeah because that's simple enough. You just get her some shorts and a red wig like Annie and have fun. And then the other part of me is, is that racist? There's one way it becomes racist. There's one clear way you can make it racist. If you fucking hit Home Depot and fucking try and color match beige. To let my six-year-old white daughter

be a black rapper but then also it feels more racist to not let her yes she's just innocent and like ice spice so i don't know what's your way to go with that any help or guidance would be great hopefully the guest maybe has some kids uh or a person of color this is awesome helps cancel a white dad of three thank you that's we don't need that

He's having a hard time thinking that like a black person was one of child's admiration. It's like, what if your kid wants to be Black Panther? That's not fucking racist. No. It's a fucking costume. I would just say though that

No one's gonna know who she is unless you paint her face. Well, you can... You gotta paint her face. You can give her a good tits and ass. Mm-hmm. You can give your kid a BBL. Stuff her ass. Yeah, stuff her ass. Sexualize her. Sexualize your child rather than be racist. Yeah.

This guy's really caught between a rock and a hard place. Now, is I Spice one of the Spice girls? No. I Spice, she's a rapper. The more, the actual more interesting thing here is, and I don't mean to be one of these, this is not, we're not prudes on this show, but six-year-old I Spice fan is kind of a little, that might be where I'm like,

Well, she, you know, that's pretty explicit for six years old. I don't know this ice bicep. She's hot. She's wagging her pussy around. She's hot as shit. Yeah, Megan Stallion. Yeah, it's like, budget my pussy. You want it. Yeah, like that's her classic. That's her classic outfit. She's hot as shit. She looks like little orphan Annie. So she's going to wear a tube top and booty shorts? Yeah, sexualized. Yeah, it's more that it's like...

I'm sure there's a... There is an ice spice outfit you should get away with, but... Like a workout? It's really just the wig. Get away with it.

Get her the wig. Get her the wig. You're fine. But no, it's not racist to be a black person for Halloween. Right. You can enjoy it. Yeah, it's a costume. Well, she's very light-skinned black. You could just use a light-skinned black. No, Joe. No, Joe. Just like a little tan. Maybe tanning someone for a day. You cannot change the daughter's skin at all for an ice spice costume. All right.

Well, I guess Marty's never going as Michael Jordan. He could take the tongue out. Yeah. This is awesome because you could tell it's like a dumb guy who just sees all this shit online. He's like, oh, the woke people. You don't know what's right or what's wrong or down anymore. But it's like, what if, yeah, what if your daughter wanted to be like, I don't know, Beyonce? Like, it's not wrong to be a black person for hollow. Like, it's like just a costume, man. Right. Um,

It's the, like, it's, like, I remember a friend of mine, he did a Lil Wayne costume that was awesome. He just did all the tattoos. Guess what? No blackface. Just did the tattoos, man. It was good. And he got a wig. It was fine. We're heading into blackface season, though. Halloween, there's always...

One celebrity that I'm like, what is wrong with your team? It's awesome, yeah. You're like, you need to fire everyone immediately. How does this slip past? If I was a celebrity, that would be my test to see if I have a bunch of yes men. If you hire someone, yeah. Yeah. I love blackface season.

It's blackface season, baby. It's happening. It's the season of blackface. But yeah, get her the red wig, I guess. Again, my only thing, not to be a prude here, but it's like, damn, six-year-old? She doesn't want to be a fucking witch. I don't know. I think of that Bill Clinton costume I did when I was in second grade. Yeah, and that was crazy. This fucking guy. My mom was literally like, that actually was the only time my mom was like, shoot.

should you not hang out with Eldest? Listen to what this fucking guy dressed as Halloween in second grade. It was right around the Monica Lewinsky thing. He went to fucking, they had like the Bill Clinton with his tongue out, like suggestive rubber mask. Yeah. He dressed up in a suit with like,

his pants down and his fucking like shirt untucked the fly was open one half of the shirt was untucked and like the other half that was in was like coming out of the fly he had no idea what getting your dick sucked was just through through like I love it through like context clues he put together that this would be funny and he dressed as Bill Clinton freshly after getting his dick sucked in second grade yeah the mask had his tongue out it had like lipstick like kisses all over his face and the hair was all fucked up my mom was like what the fuck

My mom was like, why did Elvis' mom let him do that? That was crazy. What year is this? I was like in second grade. Second or third grade? 96? No, you couldn't have been. How young are you guys? We were born in 89. Maybe third or fourth. Maybe third or fourth. Definitely fourth at the latest, but maybe third. I think it was third because wasn't this 96?

No, that was later. Was it 99? It was the second term. I think it was like 97, 98 maybe. Well, 98, we were nine years old. I remember I was watching the impeachment. I was just getting divorced from my first husband. It was like 98. Okay, but either way, much too young to be doing like dick sex. We listened to rap music and shit when we were young as shit too. I don't think it's like anything weird or like sexual about it. I mean...

I guess if you're a parent, you could, but as a former child, I don't think it's that strange. Former child? That she's aware of I-Spice? And your parents are from America? No, no. That's the thing. They had cultural blind spots. My parents also had cultural blind spots. Oh, yeah, all immigrant parents. Yeah. How about that? And also, they were from South Africa with censorship, so they were anti, but then they had no idea...

you know, like we're listening to two life crew in sixth grade, which is insane to me. It's crazy. I'm the only real American here. Right. That's so weird. Wow. That's right, dude. I think Trump has a lot of good points. You should have built a wall around the airports, dude. Right. Around BWI airport. You would have kept me and fucking held this out. It would have been

a little weird if you had a classmate who had a dress with cum on it. That would have like really put it over the edge. That's true. Drizzle a little yogurt on the fucking blue dress. Another immigrant family. Well, that definitely was part of it because your mom had just no idea what you were up to. But my mom was a little more assimilated because she moved here for the first time when she was like 20 with her family and then she moved back to Greece. Okay. But anyway...

Yeah, I mean, get her the wig. It's fine. It's not racist for your kid to like and look up to a black person and want to dress as them for Halloween. I don't care for it, but it's fine. As a real American, Joe's against it. As somebody who's parents were born and bred here, yeah, I would prefer you have a white hero, but it's 2024, so...

You got a nice way to take us home, Elders? Yeah, this isn't really a question, but it definitely ties into something, a great point Joe brought up earlier. Oh, great, I love it. Hey guys, I was just listening to one of your episodes about the lesbians that have sex differently. One wants to bust a lot and one wants to bust a few times. Oh yes, I remember that. You mentioned that women are like renewable energy that they can bust and then keep going and then can't. But I wanted to bring something to your attention, so it's not so much of an advice question,

type situation it's more of like uh am i the only one that can do this oh wow this guy's bragging about it is it not is it non-stop everything i was addicted to porn forever i started jerking off when i was like 11 you know and uh or maybe 12 whenever i was in eighth grade doesn't matter um i've gotten to the point recently to where if i pull out just right

I can bust a nut without having an orgasm. What? Therefore, like, by that I mean, cum ejaculate, it exits my penis. Got it. But I don't have the full body orgasm sensation. So I can clean off, put on another condom, and then go again. Why would you want that? I know. So I took the fun out.

You know, when you have kids, you're kind of like, there's no rules when your wife's pregnant, so you just do whatever you want. And somewhere throughout that process, I figured it out. And I was like, oh shit, that's cool. So then I just would continue to do that. Is that cool? Busting a nut feels cool, awesome. I think it's so cool. That's the best part is I can be like, oh, and then be like...

You fucking nut and keep working? That sucks. He's probably feeling something, but it's probably not like a full, you know, calves are tight, whatever, nutterino. All right. Well, let's hear him out, I suppose. Like, I like to go two or three times in one sitting. Why? My last 10 or 15 minutes, but I'll bust three times. But I won't orgasm three times.

If that makes sense. So I just wanted to throw that out there and see if there are any other people that have a

figured out how to do that if that's completely crazy because none of my friends believe that I can do it they don't understand how or why why is the real question allows that to happen but it's a fact man I really do it and I think it's pretty cool you know my wife doesn't mind it either doesn't mind it so that's cool too um also I'm 29 years old

That might be irrelevant. I don't know. But it is what it is. It's a real fact. So...

Just do with that what you will. Thank you. That's just a really, really good call. Let me know if you don't have it. Try it, maybe. In retrospect? Or if you do try it, let me know how well it works. Yeah, what point did I make? I thought, because he said he discovered this when his wife was pregnant. Oh, I see. The pregnant sense. You control F to pregnant. Can I tell you, this guy sounds a lot like Shia LaBeouf. Their voices are very similar. You think it's Shia LaBeouf?

I think it might be shy. Maybe it's shy. He likes to do weird stuff. The weirdest part is when he said, when your wife's pregnant, nothing matters and there's no rules. I didn't get that. That's what I thought you meant, the point I made. I was like, well, I didn't say that. I thought pregnancy came up more than it does, and I guess I've misremembered a little bit. Well, a bang-up job.

On the final call of the episode, Elders. But I guess what he means is you could just nut inside your pregnant wife, I suppose. Without orgasm? Oh, that's what he meant by no rule. Because I thought he was just like coming in her face and like, you know, punching her and all kinds of weird shit because she's pregnant. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I can't.

Do that. No. I've had the thing where you get really close and it feels like you're going to nut and then it goes away. I have that every single time I have sex. But I don't think that counts as cum. Is that what he's counting? I think, and listen, I've certainly maybe two times in my life nutted and kind of been able to go very fast. He's basically talking about nutting and your dick stays hard and you get the fuck, you keep fucking. To me, what's the point?

The whole point is to get a nice nut off. Especially if he says two or three times. All right, let's say two. You're like, you know what? I was about to bust quick. I busted. I could keep fucking. But he's saying he's not even feeling the sensation. So he's just leaking cum for no reason. I don't get the positive here. Other than like showing off, jizz. You know what I mean? I even think the woman wants to have...

three times. Yeah, is your wife some kind of jizz fiend? Yeah. I only want to come and I've got hours. Right?

I thought he was saying like no cum comes out. No, he says cum comes out. Yeah, he ejaculates. He's saying he ejaculates in no orgasm, which to me is the worst combo. Right. It would be much cooler to cum. Orgasm without cumming. Exactly. That would be your gift. That would be cool. If you're going to fuck and be like, oh, and then keep fucking, that's cool. That's basically what a vasectomy is, isn't it? Sort of. I don't know. I think cum still comes out, but it's dead. I think you can't really tell the difference between cum and cum.

Does it taste the same? I don't think it's gritty. I think it's like a smooth, it's like without pulp. Yeah. Right. Well. I'll call Ari. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He probably, when did he had one? Probably the second he could. A few years ago. Probably when he was 18. Yeah.

Yeah, good luck. Good luck. Great job, Eldest. That was an awesome call, man. It's been some good conversation here. Your hair went red. You're off your game. You kind of nutted without the orgasm. That is true. That's what this was. Very hype. We got no satisfaction out of that call. That was just come, no orgasm.

Go listen, folks. Go watch the special But Whole Money on YouTube. Share it. Share it. Tell your friends about it. Joe has a documentary coming out. Yeah, October 10th, New York screening, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, and then November 9th, Town Hall. It's going to be big. Mm-hmm. Big, big theater. It's going to be a big theater, that's for sure. Yeah.

That's a great... I went there once. I did a show there once. Yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be fun. So come on out to that. Great theater. Go see Joe. Go watch Sarah's special. We have it linked right here. And we will talk to you next time, guys. Bye-bye.