#93 - Jordan Jensen and John Kennedy
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Welcome, everybody, to Stobby's World. I know...

800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. Damn, I forgot. I forgot the number. We have returning. Did you change the number? No, it's just been, we, you know. What's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong. I just didn't, I haven't done the podcast in a while. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I forgot my number. 904-800-STOV. Jacksonville, baby. We were really looking for 800-STOV, so we took whatever we could get. 904-800-STOV. Not a bad. 800-STOV isn't there?

It's there. What do you mean? Who is it? Let's call it. It's this number. It's me. My phone rings. What is it? Yeah, we have Jordan Jensen and she brought it. Huh? What are you? I just fucking said it. Oh, no, it's not a real number. Not 1-800. I got it. I got it. It's a Google voice number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Not 800-STAV. 1-800-STAVROS. That could work. Does that add up? Yeah, I think so.

But we're not doing a toll-free number. We're not assuming the call, the price of the call. Okay, okay. It is on the listener to pay the, like, whatever cents it costs to put a call through. But Jordan's here. Jordan Jensen returns.

She brought, I don't know this kid. He's a cute little guy over here. Look at him. John, literally your name is John Kennedy? John Henry Kennedy. That's hilarious. Sick, John Henry. You ever think, go Hank Kennedy? No. He's powerful, dude. Yeah, I guess he's pretty powerful. J. Hank Kennedy.

What's Hank? Why is it powerful? Henry. Hank is short for Henry? Yeah. Really? Henry's my favorite male name. Henry Jack Oliver. Well, then Henry and Hank is sort of like... You know what I mean? Hank is gross. That's jerky. Hank's gross? No, that's...

Hanky. Yeah, Hanky and Jerkoff. Jankoff. Jack. Jank. Jank? I like how I like Jack, but not Hank. Jack is literally jacking off. Hank is gross. Hank is a hanky. Did you know any Hanks?

I think we know a Hank. I think I know a Hank where I grew up, and I think he's a bad guy. I think he's friends with my sister's husband who cheated on her. Gotcha. Are they still married? No, divorced. Divorced. Oh, wow. There we go. That's great. I think maybe the last time. He's trying to cease and desist on me because I posted a podcast all about it. Oh, wow. Wait, his name's Hank? Yeah, I think we talked about it. No. He has a friend named Hank. Oh, okay, yeah. Because of that. Boo!

Jordan's out on the name. I think it's in a classic. Hank is one of those classic. I do know what you mean. It's not as declarative. Hank? It's an old guy name. Old guy name. Dude, one of my mom's name is Donna. One of your mom's names? One of my mom's names. One of my mom's names. Oh, I see. We're not going to. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Is Donna. And I was thinking about, imagine having a little baby come out and being like, you know what?

Donna. That's crazy. That's awesome. I can see that. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would love a little baby with a powerful-ass name. Like, I do like a baby. I would love a baby named Hank. Or, like... No, baby.

Hank. Yeah, what's up, Hank? Rick, I guess. Rick is great for a baby. This is Rick. That rules. Having a little baby. Hank's in that family. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Anyway, the point is we're trying to get this guy a new name already. Hank Kennedy. Hank Kennedy sounds better, I think, than a regular Hank.

Yeah, Hank Kennedy. I don't know. I don't like the Ks slammed up against each other. I think the Ks together are... Oh, okay. What about Jack Kennedy? I like Henry Kennedy. All right. Well, then start going by your middle name. Or John Henry. John Henry. John Henry's great. But that's the powerful... Well, John Henry's my whole first name.

That's the powerful... Isn't that the black dude that raced the train? Yeah, yeah. My mom read that book a lot. So you have a lot... Two different forms of Americana is your name. It's John Kennedy and John Henry Kennedy. Yeah, and then Bergrin's my middle name. I don't really... Bergrin? Bergrin. Bergrin. It's like Swedish. Oh, wait, wait. Your full name is John Henry Bergrin. Yeah, John Henry's my whole first name. J-H-B. Yeah, okay. Close to G-H-B. The date rape drug. Okay.

My mom, yeah. Big fan of GHB. They love that drug, yeah. You love Americana? My parents were like, well, it is how we met. What is GHB? His middle initials. But what is that? GHB is the date rape. Like we just said. Is Rufy? Yeah. Rufalin? Mm-hmm.

Go ahead, elders. Gamma hydroxy. Yo, I'd be giving my dog that gamma pet. Oh, no, I give her gabapentin. Yeah, you don't give your dog the date rape drug. Yo, I'd be hurt that little ass. Well, that's great. Off to a fucking rousing start here. This is, oh, wow, daytime sleeping. Wait. So wait, it's GHB. We all know what it is. But why does it say it treats excessive sleepiness if it makes you sleepy? I don't know.

Treating excessive daytime sleepiness. So it's kind of like you take it to fall asleep if you're an archilectal. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So that way you just pass out. Man, you know what the best is? Klonopin. Can we talk about Klonopin? They're good. God damn, are they good. They're good pills. Pills in general. I could be in the middle of an epic panic attack where I'm like, the only thing that will take me down is being tranquilized in a hospital, and I pop half one of those, and I'm like... You're good to go? What does it do? It just makes you tired? You just are like, who cares? You zone out. Yeah. Really? Is it like Xanax?

It's better than Xanax. Xanax you feel a little out of control, whereas... Yeah, one time I took a Xanax at work and then I left the key in the door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What door? Just the front door. I worked at a donut shop in Rockefeller. In Rockefeller. If only. That would have been my lucky day. Come on through. Got the key in there. It finally happened. Eldest pulls up in a pickup with fucking huge trash bags. It looks like a heist. Yeah.

It was like a setup for you. Our man on the inside finally fucking took the pill. We have 90 seconds until the donut alarm rings before the donut police get here. You'd like go in and your whole family would be there. They'd like know that you... Oh man, that's good stuff right there.

Wait, in Rockefeller? Yeah, right next to the Nintendo store. Oh, nice. Okay. Where are you from? Minnesota. Okay, nice. Fargo. Fargo, North Dakota. That makes sense. That's checking out. Why the John Kennedy? Did they like him? It was like my grandpa's name, I think. He wasn't like that, like the main... He was just like a different guy. You're stealing Kennedy valor. Kind of.

Kind of, yeah. You are. Yeah, but I didn't do it, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm not like going... You have three names, though. You could go by any of them. You decided to go John Kennedy. You have four names. John Henry Bergeron. Bergeron's kind of... Bergeron Kennedy. But then all of it sounds like old money. Bergeron Kennedy sounds like... It sounds like they're cousins. But there's no, like, old money in my family. You could really get away with it. You look like you might have money. You don't. Really? You don't. You don't right now. I...

But you could pretend to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But his family doesn't. They're like... But where's the fun in pretending to have... Ever see Talented Mr. Ripley? Oh my God. No, I haven't. It's fucking awesome. He pretends to be rich. The show was bad. I didn't see the show. How dare they make that whole black and white? The movie's like, I don't know, 96, 97? See, now it's not cool to be rich.

It's not cool. Have you met a rich person lately? They're like all, you know, like dressing up. They're going to vintage stores. And they all dress like they're in fucking Shawshank Redemption. The richer you get, the more you dress like you're in prison. In prison. In the 50s. Yeah. Well, this movie is about Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow are rich in the 50s. They're like heirs to, or Jude Law in particular is an heir to a shipping fortune. Yeah.

And Matt Damon pretends to have gone to Princeton with him. He weasels his way into a social circle and just kind of pretends for a while. It's awesome. It's a great fucking movie. It's just like that movie where he fucks the grave. I don't know who's that. All right. The movie that just came out where he fucks Saltburn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it.

Yeah, I haven't either. It's really bad. I mean, I'm sorry to whatever that guy's name is. I met him at the cellar and he let me touch his abs. Yes. He let you touch his abs? Yeah. Was he a tiny guy? Yeah, but he was really hot. I was climbing into Shane Gillis' lap being like, stop!

because he was right there and i and and andrew schultz was like she has a crush on you and i was like no i don't and jane was like can you get off of me and then he walked up and was like you can touch my abs and i was like wow that's kind of freaking ask her he let me he said you can touch my head i didn't ask so he gets off he just offered it up he just offers it up imagine that's how much of a peasant i look like where i'm like

Yeah, yeah. Can I touch the queen's fringe as she walks by on Easter Sunday? Yeah. Can I get a piece of Barry Keegan's abs to jack off to later? Wow, imagine if he wanted to fuck you. That was just like... He would have let you touch his dick, probably. I would have. Yeah, I know. Like this. I'm not...

Wow, your form's getting better, Jordan. All the straight classes. Straight conversion is going really well. Like silly putty? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Well, you just trashed him. You just trashed his movie. I know, your movie's bad. I love it.

I love you so much though. He's good in other stuff. I mean, I like, I really loved him in Killing of a Sacred Deer. And Ben, she's a winner too. Can you pull up a picture of him? I don't know if I remember. You don't know Barry Keegan, bro? I don't remember. He's now, he's dating. He looks like a bull terrier. He looks like a bull terrier and I'm really glad that I just said that because that's so funny. The keyboard sounds like a hacker keyboard. And you're like looking at him like,

Eldest is hacking into the mainframe. This is definitely some little gamer keyboard shit. Wait, can you pull up a bull terrier and see how accurate I was? Look at his face. Okay. Okay, now. Bull. Bald terrier, you fucking idiot. What is it? Bull. Bull. Bald terrier. Look, that's him. Oh, my God. He's got bull terriers. Isn't that him? Yeah. Yeah. God, I would love to have that job just pairing people with animals. That's not a job.

What are you talking about? What job? That job? It's got to be a job. Pointing out what people look like? I just described it, so it's got to be a job. God, those dogs are ugly. Yeah, it's a weird looking dog for sure. I like them. They'll tear you up. So he's kind of like a tiny jacked guy. Is that what you think that's what you'd be into? A little jacked guy? I don't know what I'm into. I'm asexual now. I did go on a date yesterday where we made out and it was scary. Yeah, I don't think I liked it.

Huh. I don't like the dating thing and meetings. I don't like that. What's going on, man? I have to do what I've always done. Something's wrong with you. I have to know somebody for three and a half years, be friends, bully them into having sex with me. And then ruin the relationship? And then borderline personality disorder them into being with me for a year. Sounds healthy. Sounds good. The stranger thing is weird. It's stranger danger. I don't like it. No, you have to. You have to go against your instincts because your instincts are wrong. No!

Yeah, for sure. That's what my therapist says. Yeah, yeah. Because they're like me. I'm a mental health professional, obviously. This show, I'm sort of an unlicensed therapist. But I did it. So now I can go to a different man? I guess. I just keep... You keep... Here's the thing. There's no expectations. There's no nothing. Okay. You just go on a date. If you didn't like the guy, you don't have to go back.

I did like him, but he liked me and that's not nice. You should just give that a whirl. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. No, I'd rather be attacked and raped.

Yeah, but, you know, I don't know. God, I would rather have a baseball bat in my head than somebody being like, can I tell you something? No! No, you can't! That's really good and healthy. Yeah. That's not like cartoonishly, you don't have like a cartoonish problem. Can I get you anything? Oh my God! I was thinking about you the other day. Yeah.

Hey, you know that book you mentioned wanting to read? I actually saw it at a store and picked it up for you. Oh, stop. Stop. That's so awful. No, that's sexual harassment. I just become a Jewish. Old Jewish. That's harassment. I don't like it. Interesting. Well, that's good for you. You should keep doing that. Yeah. Wait. No. Dating random people. Trying to just be around people that treat you with baseline respect. You're going to have to fight through it for a little bit. Yeah. I've done it crazy.

Yeah, you can't go chivalry. No. None of that. Somebody who treats you nice but just has just a little edge maybe. A reformed piece of shit maybe might be good for you. Like a prisoner? Like a prisoner, yeah. Someone who's done his time for assaulting a woman that looked exactly like you. But he's over it now and he can kind of bring that energy into the bedroom but treat you nicely in every other circumstance. Yeah, that's all right. That's okay.

Very interesting. Well, that's good. I'm glad to see. It's nice to check in every six months and see you're doing so well. Yeah, just kind of the exact same place that you were before. Going really good. Folks, it's getting to be fall. The holidays are upon us. We're preparing here at Stabby Baby Enterprises for some holiday merch. Our biggest seller of the year, the calendar, the sexy calendar. Those fly off the digital shelves thanks to our pals at Shopify.

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Oh, I hear that sound. John's a healthy person. Yeah, yeah. Really? It's really gross. In what, in like all ways? Like his family is close and he has a girlfriend who he tells secrets to at the table. That sounds nice. At the table. Like when we were playing cards, you guys were like, I'm giggling. And I was like, I hate you. I'll kill you both. You don't want, you know, you envy that kind of intimacy is what you're saying?

I just don't even know what that would be like to not have somebody say something to me. Not have me whisper something to somebody and have them go, can you stop talking to me when other people are looking? I don't even know why you're here.

Who's this fucking bitch? And then text me like, sorry about that. Don't ever do that again in public. Anyway, I'm going to leave. Why are you talking to me? Yeah, who the fuck is this? And then like text you like, all right, I'll leave the door unlocked. Just come in at 1 a.m. Be gone by 3. Yes, sir. I'll be there. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's getting to it. We got to deal with our stuff, Jordan. You can't be behaving this way when you're like 40. I know.

I know, I'm 33, it's really crazy. TikTok, I know, I'm a child. We always talk about the right thing to do. And you're very good at identifying what is the correct thing. And you just don't live by it. Me and John were in the car, and my ex is friends with him, and John called him and was like, hey, can I come up and say hi to you? And he goes, I don't fucking care. And John was like, what the hell, man? And he goes, oh, sorry, I'm just used to talking to Jordan. And I was sitting right there, and I was like...

And John was like, oh my god. And I was like, yeah, I get it. That's hilarious. Yeah, I know. I'm very good at it. It's because I, yeah, it's the baby monster mentality where you're like, I'm going to do all these things. No, I'm not. It's binge eating sugar where you're like, ah. And you're off that, so you've got to do it emotionally. I'm not off. You're not? Anything. You've been getting jacked. I see your Instagram stories. I know. You've been boxing and shit. Yeah. It's really funny. I got hit in the mouth.

because I didn't duck and she hit me in the mouth. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Because I didn't keep my guard up and she was like, I'm going to hit you in the mouth. And I was like, ha ha. And then I didn't and she punched me right in the face. That's awesome. You think you'll duck next time? I did duck. It got me to duck. Yeah, there we go. She'll either duck or like lead with her chin next time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, Georgie. I'm just going to show up at her house at midnight and be like, hi, just saying, popping in to say hello. Yeah.

I know that really meant a lot to me. You hitting me today. That's awesome. Um, okay. No, I'm not eating sugar right now and I feel a lot better. I ate sugar at this wedding and it was my, I had like a meltdown where I was like sobbing, crying and I couldn't figure it out. And it, it sugar is the devil. Interesting. I don't know that that's true. It's bad. Have you ever seen a baby like eat sugar? And then they're like,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you give a baby a taste of something sweet? Yeah, like an ice cream, and then they're like... Yeah. Yeah. They want to, like, devote their life to it. Yeah, but it's true. I mean, those are great videos. Babies experiencing things for the first time. When they have a kiwi, and they're like... The sour, the sweet, pizza...

That's good stuff. I haven't seen pizza. I've seen pizza. I've seen giving a baby like a little piece of meat too. You can tell the ones that love it. The Italians. I have one of my favorite. There's a video of me with, I had a top tooth and a bottom tooth. I had two teeth and I was eating a lamb chop on the bone. So it was like. Oh, wow. You just can't escape what you're meant to be. That's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, did you get a new tooth that you chipped again? The tooth is chipped, yeah. I've made some cosmetic differences. Eagle-eyed viewers will be able to tell that I have gotten a haircut.

I didn't really want to do it, but I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I was offered the role of fat pedophile on Law & Order SVU. Perfect. And hopefully it airs. They told me there's no guarantee it airs, but, you know, I've got to start making moves in this business. Yeah. You guys are real? No, no.

No, but I did have to cut it for something. No, it's not on SVU. Yeah, it's not on SVU. It's kind of like experimental theater. It's in a black box. I'm a pedophile. Yeah, I'm actually getting into... It's kind of like a prank show where it's like, hey, we need to like...

We need five guys. It's going to be five guys. It's like, which one of these guys is the pedophile? And so they needed people that aren't, but could conceivably... Right, right, right. It's a police lineup. It's kind of... Actually, yeah, it's kind of exactly a police lineup. And I have been cleared of all the charges.

But they did want me to cut my hair for it. But yeah, I have that. And then, yeah, this is the fake tooth and it chipped. But I kind of like it. Is it surgically put in? Uh-huh. This is fake. You can unscrew it and put it in a new one. How did you chip the fake one because it doesn't have nerve endings? I just woke up and it was chipped. No way. I swear to God. I think I grind my teeth. I like it. I think it looks cool. It is cool. It also makes it look more real. Yeah, right? Yeah. Because what kind of fucking asshole would have a chipped fake tooth? No way. Only an idiot. This is the one. Yeah.

Wait, when did this happen? This is like fucking five months ago.

You haven't noticed? No. I really haven't. Wow. We spend like every day together, bro. You edit videos of me constantly. You look at my mouth more than anyone on earth. Yeah, literally. This is what happens when you hire your friends. This is the quality you get. This is the guy quality controlling all my videos. He hasn't noticed my fucking tooth is chipped. That's hilarious, Elders. That is crazy. I know.

I noticed the second we walked in. Really? Like a piece of it is chipped off? Yeah. Oh my God. The fake tooth. Oh, maybe. I don't know. Whatever. Fuck you. Who cares? Yeah, that's right. You're right about that, brother.

But yeah, I'm going. So now I'm kind of excited to kind of get into the, you know. I think it's actually, I actually am enjoying it. Didn't think I would, but. Enjoying what? Just my short hair, you know. Yeah. Getting the breeze on my neck. I think it looks better. It's a different look for sure. I mean, the other look is a, it's a. Yeah, I know. It's on purpose. It's on purpose. Yeah, I know what I'm doing. It's on purpose. But I had just gotten the bald pony going. Oh.

That's what broke my heart. Oh, that's very, very painful. I was just getting into bald. Like, literally, I had two weeks of bald pony. And it was in Baltimore. No one was seeing me. I was just walking around at the gym with my fucking little ponytail. Yeah, I don't think you actually acted in anything. I think somebody was like, can you just tell him these things? We've got to get rid of this.

It's out of control. Yeah, but yeah, no, it's good. Yeah, I just, you know, now it opens up a whole new world of stylistic choices. I dyed my hair blonde and it changed my life. You look better, yeah. I look better, right? You really do. I look less dead. Yeah, there's more life to you, for real. It's crazy, I know. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm getting hit on way more. It's incredible, but it scares me because I'll go after somebody like, well, you want to? And they'll be like, yes. And I'm like, no, no, no. But it's crazy how much the blonde helps. It's a much better look. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. That's good. You're slowly, you know, you're making self-improvement. Yeah. You keep getting compliments. I keep getting compliments. From like people, yeah. I know, it's really crazy. You seem more positive. Well, I went through the breakup.

I went through it. Last time you saw me, I was in it. For sure, yeah. You were not in a good zone. Yeah. But you're feeling better now. But now I'm out of it. Now I'm a little slut. Nice. Making out with people in the botanical gardens. Kissing one guy. I kissed a guy. I had sex. Wow. With a condom. Wow. Okay. He had a condom on. That's slutty, dude. That's slutty. You didn't let a fucking stranger... I'm sorry. You think it's sluttier to wear a condom? Yeah, to be like, wrap it up because I don't know what's been in here, boy. Yeah.

Instead of lying to yourself and getting cream-pied by a stranger? That's what I usually...

And you think that's not slutty. You're telling him to wrap it up for his own sake. Not for you. I'm a whore with a fucked up pussy. You better put a condom on. I gotta preserve the ecosystem because it's going to get a lot more stuff in there. So wrap it up. No, I said take the condom off and he said no, no. No, no.

That's awesome. Putting it in. Steam coming off of it. Wow, that is hilarious thinking, which I know you've crossed into doing a bit now, but that is how you think. What? That it's slutty to wear a condom. I do. That's crazy how stupid that is. I know, I don't know what it is.

because I was like take the condom off and he was like no and I was like ooh because I'm a dirty little slut and he was like no I guess that's what people do take the condom off is so awesome legitimately I've never wanted to wear a condom more than when a woman says take the condom off even if I had would have tried to fuck you with no condom and then you're like don't put one on I'm like well that settles it yeah

You just have, like, so much confidence that, like, when you're talking, I'm like, yeah. And then after, I'm like... What? Yeah, that makes no sense. What was I just nodding my head to? Yeah, yeah. Meaning, like, oh, I'm a slut. That was garbage. How are condoms? Oh, nice. That was the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Well, that's good. Uh-huh. That's good. And you should not ask people to take condoms off anymore. I don't like them. It feels like a...

It's not good. It's awful. It's not worth doing. You at least need to fuck someone a couple times with a condom to be like, all right.

We have a baseline level of trust here. Have you ever done the thing where you're like, I've been tested, you've been tested, we're not dating, but we should fuck because we cannot use a condom, and then you do it, and then there's just this person inside of you, and you're like, I could have just masturbated. This is the same thing, but this guy has a face. No, I've never felt that way. I've never stood outside the clinic waiting for someone to pass a test and then be like, all right, well, look. No, but with a friend, with me and my friend, we were both like, oh, shit, yeah, we hate condoms, but we don't.

Both of us are destined. You're so stupid. You think you had that idea. Someone preyed on your gullible ass. You're like, you know when that happens? And your friends just happen to mention how you both hate condoms. So they innocently throw out how they should raw dog you. And you're like, well, duh. I hate condoms so much. I should let someone I don't really like that much come inside me. That's exactly how it happened.

Dude, the guy was like, I hate him. And you were like, I gotta keep him around. I hate him too. Insanely dumb. That's like if a big... I regretted it. You know the movie Big where a little kid becomes an adult? If that happened to a woman, that's the kind of person who falls for that kind of thing. It's like if a 10-year-old was all of a sudden a 30-year-old's body. Oh, yeah. Halfway through, I was like, why am I doing this?

I don't want to do this at all. I didn't want to ever have sex with this person. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that's crazy. That's crazy that you could go that far in the wrong direction of somebody that you either borderline abusive is what you're into to someone you have negative interest in. You're being a good pal. That's how good a friend you are. And not a condom. That's a thing.

He's in you no condom. That's the kind of person you want a little bit of fucking saran wrap in between you. Wow, that's awesome. Fuck, in a different world, I would love to have like tried to sell you a fucking like timeshare. I would have loved to catch you at the right time to just be like...

Do you want some Iraqi dinar? You know now that President Trump is in office, he's going to reinstate Iraqi dinar. I know this guy hit me up the other day, like a fan, and was like, can you help me? And I was like, with what? And he goes, I need $100. I'll send it back to you. And I was going to send it. I'll send it back to you. And my buddy Jake was like, do not do that. And I was like, what?

He's going to send it back. And he was like, don't. Why? Okay, whatever, man. Have you phoned for any non-sexual scams? That's not even a scam. That's just like a guy asking you for money and you're like, I almost fell for it. There is nothing in return. Yeah, give us like a...

Have you ever been... One time I was really drunk and I slept with this guy and I remember waking up and being like, he's a doctor. He had worn a condom. No way. You're like, ew. I remember being like, he's a doctor. Like I woke up and I was like, ooh, I fucked a doctor. And then when I woke up, I was like, it's Halloween and he was dressed up as a doctor. Wow, interesting. That's crazy. That's really bad. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's also funny that you thought, wow, look at me. Yeah. Letting a doctor, I don't know, fuck me raw. A doctor in scrubs. Yeah. At a house party. Just got off a shift. No time to change. He went to things that no doctor's ever had. Holy shit. Toilet paper roll. I'm like, that is industrialized.

Add a fraternity. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess the boys are all getting checkups before rush week. I'll take whatever drug this doctor gives me. Thank you. That's awesome, man. Great stuff, Jordan. Yeah. Well, you know, you're on the right track. Don't fuck. Use more condoms and fuck. I mean, it's just crazy that you think condoms were the issue there that allowed you to do that. That that was your hatred of condoms led you to that hookup.

We don't have to keep thinking about it. It was in a one... I remember the conversation being like, I'm single now, so I'm hooking up with people, and I hate condoms. He was like, I hate condoms. And I remember being like, oh. And then later he texted me, and he was like, if we both hate condoms... That's insane. First of all, I cannot believe... He's got to be like...

wow, that worked? Like, that's one of those where you get a text back where you're like, you know what, that's a good point. I'm like, holy shit. He's like already sleeping. He's like, oh, okay, take a shower. Like, you know what I mean? Like, he's like, he probably, here's what happened. He was jerking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sent that text. Yeah. Came and was like, Jesus fucking Christ, I might be fucked in comedy. And I was like, whoa! Good point! Yeah.

We have so much in common. Damn, that's fucking... Honestly, every time you surprise me with new stuff, Jordan. Oh my God, you can really get away with murder with me. It's crazy, dude. It's crazy. I've done a lot of shit that's bad. One guy, there was one guy...

I don't even know how this happened. One guy that I remember I've gotten his van, whatever. We don't have to get into this, but I will, I am lured like a, like a, and then the thing is, is I, you can, when you're there, do you want to fuck? And I'm like, no. And they're like, don't be weird. And I'm like, all right. It's really bad.

Why do you think you're so impulsive? It's not impulsive. You mean, why am I a pushover? I think that's what it is. It's just like, she's so... I never want to be a bad hang. Yeah, yeah, totally. No, no, it's complete people... It's like the most people-pleasing 101 there ever could possibly be. And I get that, too, because there's that moment... When there's an uncomfortable moment, you'll do anything to make it go away. And you're just like, well, I should be punished instead of anyone else. The quickest way for this to be gone is if I just...

Suck it up. Dude, I was having, I was on a date the other day at night and we were like sitting on a bench and I was having a panic attack internally because I could feel this guy was going to try and do something and he was so gay. Like he was so disturbingly like a gay man. Like he had like a tote bag and was like, yes. But was like using me as a mechanism to be like, see, I'm not gay. And I've dealt with that before because they go after me because I'm like a dude. And then, and I'm like. You fell for it.

The experiences that have become rote to you are hilarious. Gay men trying to meet their quota of women so they don't have to tell their dad they're gay? Crazy. And I could feel it and I was like, just make out with him and then you can go home. Just make out with him. And then I was like, I really don't want to in my head. And then I reached over and my dog was shaking like insanely and she was like...

And panicking. And I was like, oh, if my dog is literally being like, we have to get out of here. And then I was able to be like, oh, my dog is dehydrated. We have to go. And I ran away from the man. Where was the dog? Right next to me on the bench. Where were you?

By my house. Oh, by your house. And then he was like, I'll walk you home. And I was like, that's okay. And then he was like, I'll walk you home. And I was like, okay. And now he knows where I live. Fuck. He might come in and redecorate. Oh, there's nothing worse. He was so gay. You're sure this man was gay? Is he bi? Is he like an out bi man? He just, he's not gay, obviously, but he's gay. Like I showed up and he was like, hi.

And I was like, nah. He might be kind of gay. He's a Brooklyn guy, right? He's probably bi. It was very New York Jew bi. And you're not interested in that? No, no, no. No, no, no. And why were you on a date with him? We met on an app. And he was holding like a, you know, he had like a car. A swastika. Yeah, he had a cage and he said, women go here. Yeah.

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Very interesting. And then, John, you're a completely well-adjusted person who's never been bullied into sex, I guess? Yes.

No. No. That's good, man. Well, I mean, you don't really need to get bullied into it. Sure, but you know what I mean. Yeah. Have you ever, like, regrettably... Because I definitely... There was a time where, like, it was the time I realized I didn't have to fuck anyone who asked. Because if you're a young, fat man, most of the time it's like... Right, right, right, right.

You're doing whatever you can to get... And then I was at a show and I had gone through a breakup. And a girl just came up to me and was like, Hey, you had some jokes about... I kind of feel like you in this story. She came up to me and was like, You had some jokes about fucking strangers. She was kind of like a fat autistic girl. And I was like... I'm mentally retarded. I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty sad right now. So she's like, I live around the corner. And I just went and I was walking to her place. And I was like, I don't really want to fuck this girl. But I am already...

Kind of going. Yeah. And it's like, eh, who knows? It might be... It might be what? It's always the same. Wait, and then what happened? I had some of the weirdest, worst sex of all time. Wait, how? It was just like... It was like... Like, I... Dude. It was like she was into, like, gagging or whatever. Like, she wanted to gag a lot. And it's like, my dick ain't doing that. So, I was like, she wanted me to gag her with, like, my fingers. And...

Sometimes you're gagging someone. It's hot, obviously, sometimes. But we got in there a little too deep. I just got like a whiff of lunch. You don't want to get gagged. And all of a sudden you're smelling like pussy and a fucking roast beef sandwich. And I'm like softer than I've ever been in my life.

And then I just have to kind of like, I don't know, mash my fucking soft ass dick and just focus on her titties. Trying to put her titties in portrait mode with my eyes where everything else is just blurry. You know what I mean? I'm like, just focus on her big tits. Everything else is not here. It was fucking atrocious. And I like...

And I tried to like, and then I was like, all right, I got this nut off. I'm going to pretend to go to sleep and then just like leave as soon as possible. And I just dozed off. I guess it was late. It was pretty late. It was after like three shows that it was like the last shows, like a midnight show or whatever. And so I dozed off and I'm like, and it's like 6 a.m. Early. It's like the earliest you can leave where it's the more like if it was 530, that's weird to leave. You know what I mean? But it was 6 a.m. I'm like, great.

I'm putting my fucking pants on. I'm getting the fuck out of there. And she's like, where are you going? And she just like grabs my dick and is like trying to be sexy. Not working. But then I, again, I'm like, ah, this would really be a blow to this woman if I didn't try and fuck her one more time. Like if I left now. You did it again? I just didn't have it. Oh my. Because in my head, I was like, I'm home free.

You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm gone. There's no... Like, if she was awake, I would have been, like, working on my, like, I have to get out of here speech. Oh, she called you vulnerable. She called me, and I'm, like, whistling. I'm out the door. I'm like, oh, I'm thinking about the bagel I'm about to eat by myself in, you know, downtown D.C. And literally, she just, like, catched me as all my defenses are down. I would have had to, like... I had no, like...

It's Sunday at 6 a.m. Where the fuck do I need to be? You know what I mean? It's like, I could have said something about my car. I'm literally getting my dick sucked and being like, you should have said you parked in a fucking tow away zone. Like, I'm just going through. You gotta say early flight every time. It was horrible. And I think I...

I don't think... I have in the past faked coming in a condom. I've done that before. As a man, I have faked an orgasm. But I know there's no condom involved here. Oh my God. There's no... I just... I don't know how I got out of that last one. I kind of... But yeah, it was truly horrible. And then I was like... That was a big moment for me where I was like, well, it turns out you don't have to fuck every woman who asks. Yeah. And that was actually a learning experience because I'm like... I was like...

You know what I mean? Like, it just never dawned on me. The year before is the first year where I was actually just confident enough to ask girls to, like, hook up. And then that was the year where I was like, don't gotta fuck all of them. He doesn't even have that thing, though. Like, you meet young comics and they're like, I have a girlfriend, I really like them, but I, you know, of course, there's the times. But I saw a girl go up to him after one of my shows and he was opening for her and she was, like, not wearing any pants, basically. And I was like, I mean,

And afterwards, I was like, she was trying to fuck you. And he's like, no. Like, he doesn't even see it. And she's like, no, she just likes my Twitter. And I'm like, no. She likes. It could be. I mean, she said she liked my Twitter. Yeah. And she probably would suck you off still. She tits out, dude. She was like. Yeah.

Red Pill Jordan. This fucking bitch was wearing shorts out at night. She's looking for dick. They're not even pants. It was a full yoga outfit with nipples fucking. She was into it. She had nipples. Wow. A woman wearing yoga pants with nipples. Talk to a man who has a Twitter. You know that means she's trying to fuck. What's new? Yeah.

Fucking Redfield Jordan. I love it. Yeah, I mean, that's better, though. That's being... Yeah, his is way better. Emotionally okay. Well, I just figure that I try to critically think sometimes about what I want. Yeah, that's not something I do. I know that I would much rather...

be in a fun relationship where I actually laugh with the person and I enjoy being around them than to nut once and then live with that guilt for the rest of my life. And that's impressive. That's impressive. Because I don't... I know what you mean, but it's like there's an animal that takes over. I also am taking hair loss pills, so I'm not as horny. Oh, that's interesting. That's it. You've nerfed your dick. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart. It's a nerf dart. Smart, dude. That's good. I wish I had done that when I was in a relationship. That would have been helpful. How old are you? 25. 25, okay, yeah. That's good. That's good to fucking be like, I like this relationship. I'm good to go. And to keep the hair. Because it looks like you're looking good still? Yeah, it's like fine. I was just like, I didn't want it to go, you know? Of course, of course. Because it's like, you know.

Going. Going, yeah. Because, you know, it's not great. Yeah, yeah. Not everyone can swim in these waters, my friend. I know. You're not meant for it. Have you ever done the hair loss pills? No. You don't need it. I feel no desire to. I think it's funnier to be bald and not give a fuck. Yeah. I've learned that's the power move. You have, like, a great vibe. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Thanks.

I mean, I feel like if you had hair, you'd be like, try to be cooler. Yeah, I've thought about this where it's like, if God gave me one thing, I'd be unstoppable. But he was like, no, you get nothing. He was like, little ass dick, I guess good skin. Good skin is all I got. And that actually is a big, that's a big, I've learned that's a big thing. Because it just makes you look like the best version of whatever you are. But yeah. Yeah.

Short, you know, eldest thinks he has no, his life hasn't been easier because he's 6'4". Hysterical. If this motherfucker was 5'7", he would be the biggest incel you've ever met in your life. He would be so pissed at women. It's crazy. But yeah, short as shit, fat as shit. Were you ever tall? Like for your age? Were you ever tall? Yeah. I know it's funny because it is a stupid question, but he is also right by accident where I was this height in eighth grade.

Like, I was five steps. So you were like, I'm going places. No, no. In, like, elementary school, me and Elders were, like, similarly tall kids. And it was like, my doctor was like, oh, yeah, he's going to be 6'2", 6'3". And then I just stopped. At eighth grade, it just never kept going. Still pissed at that doctor for getting my hopes up. But you know what's funny? I just don't actually. Think he's gas.

Every doctor's always been wrong about what, yeah, I'm thinking like 6'2". Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you even say that? Yeah. To get my little kid hopes up. Based on what? Yeah, yeah, the chart. I can just see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see it for you. I want it bad. I remember just still holding on to that growth spurt, being like, any fucking day now, it's coming. But, yeah. How tall are you? 5'7". That's not bad.

You're 5'7"? I'm 5'9". I thought we were the same height. How tall are you? 6'5". 6'5"? I think you're 6'4". You're 6'4". And I'm actually 5'8", but I say 5'7", because it's, again, part of the reversal of power. Everybody who says they're 5'8 is 5'7". So I say I'm 5'7", and I'm actually 5'8". Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get 5'8 from you. Does it help you with ladies? People like to climb that thing?

How about the game for a long time? I mean, did it help me? I don't know. I never felt like I never did it help. Hilarious green shirt. You're trying to look like a tree. He's trying to get his shot to fuck birds. I never felt like I noticed my height. And I feel like if anything, it made me want to be like more reserved. Unbelievable. This is like fucking white privileges and reasons.

It's been a long time since slavery. That's you height-wise right now. I will say, I genuinely feel like because I am so big, it does make me just want to be more of a quiet person. That's how it goes, though. If you're tall, you've got to act cool and like, I don't care. That being said, when I am around JP, he's like an inch or two taller than me, and there's something in me that's like, whoa, this is weird. I've never experienced that.

That's why JP opens for me. So that you get to feel that. So that you have to fucking... Everyone around me is just giant. This is what you could be. Confident, on stage. It's so funny though because I really do believe... In my head, Eldest is like...

three inches taller than me. You know what I mean? Like in my head, people that are six feet tall are my height. I don't see him as that tall either. I don't walk in and go, whoa. Like when I walk in and see JP, I'm like, Jesus. Well, yeah, Eldest kind of fills it out horizontally as well. I'm glad too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. JP's not fat. You're just a cropped fat guy.

photo. Me and JP have the same body type I would say. Similarly athletic. Absolutely. Same build probably. Luke Monez is somebody that you see and you're like what is going on up there? How are you getting oxygen? Yeah. And he will really I mean one time I saw him making himself into the door at a busy festival. He was just making himself into the doorway so people could pass around him. Broken like this. Yeah. Excuse me. I'm sorry for my existence.

Yeah, I know. But, you know, whatever. It's not about anything you do, Eldest. It's just like how easy life is for you. Don't blame me for how society is set up, man. I'm not blaming you, man. I pick myself up by my bootstraps. Okay? Because I'm a tall woman, every day that I go on, men are always like this. That's so funny because in my head, you're not tall. But I guess it's, you know. How tall are you? 5'9". Oh, okay.

I really don't. I see that, yeah. And I'm like, don't do the good posture thing. You look insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really bad. It's so funny, man. That is so, that is hilarious. But yeah, no. There's power. I've said it multiple times. There's power in just being as fucked up looking as possible and not caring. That's the real secret. You don't look fucked up, though. Like, you could be ugly. You're not ugly.

Thank you. You know what I mean? Like, there are people that you're like, that's an ugly person. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, no one here is saying, like, that's the standard of beauty.

No one just looks at me and goes like, oh yeah. No one said that. No. Shut the fuck up. Both of you. I know what you guys are thinking. I know what you're thinking. That guy's fucking hot as shit. That guy's a piece of ass. But I'm really not. Sure, the hair's a little thin and he's a little overweight, but ooh la la. You're like, no, look, it's actually going if you look close. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Like, I actually, I know I have my hair long, but like up top, it's a little thin. Yeah.

Delusion is such a powerful tool, man. Ah, fuck. But anyway, let's do a little more biography of our friend John here. Okay. You said you're from fucking Fargo, is that right? Yeah, North Dakota. Nice, dude. What are the vibes in North Dakota like? There's not like much. Is there anything to... How big is your high school? How big is the town? That kind of thing? It's like...

I think my high school was like 600. The whole shebang. Fargo's like the biggest. The state of North Dakota population, like 700,000 to 800,000. Oh, wow. Fucking Baltimore is 650K. Fargo's big? Yeah. There's a lot of people there? Well, Fargo is the biggest city. No, North Dakota itself is. Is it about the population? Yeah. Fargo is like 200,000. So it was most, it was like the biggest. What did you do? A lot of getting drunk in fields? Yeah, you get drunk.

But I didn't drink in high school. Oh, wow, really? Fantasy football. You didn't drink in high school? Oh, that makes sense. Why not? Why didn't you drink? My parents were teachers. Okay. Yeah.

His parents were all. So you were a rule-following little boy? I don't know if I was rule-following. I just didn't drink. What'd you do? What was the biggest thing you ever got in trouble for? I killed a kid. Vehicular manslaughter? It was a field? I don't think I can say it. Can you bleep out what I killed?

It's all right, man. He was, he was from the local tribe. You can kind of sweep that under the rug still up there. It's not really a big deal. Minority. We just, there's really nothing to do. Isn't that where pills thrive though? Isn't that where like kids get fucked up and shit? Cause I, yes. Yeah. We had like a big meth, you know, shit. Uh,

We had the first fentanyl death in the country. We were known for that. CNN came... Give us a... That's literally what it was. Anderson Cooper, I think, came and he was like... We're at... And we're like, holy shit! It was crazy. The Wright Brothers...

It's like the first flight, the first fentanyl. This is going to take over America, folks. And it started right here in beautiful North Dakota. I was like, yeah. They did meth. You had meth skin people with meth scabs?

A lot of meth scabs. A lot of trailers. You know, there was a trailer park. Yeah. My buddy lived in the trailer park section, so I would, you know. That's fun. Go there. You would go with the plebeians? I kind of want a trailer. Yeah. Yeah, you would. But I would say the trailers in North Dakota, like, you get some white trash, but it's mostly just, like, immigrants. Immigrants.

It's like a lot of the African dudes. In North Dakota? Yeah, like Somalian guys. That's hilarious. That's so funny. Somalian trailer park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they'd be in like full suits. Well, that's like in California where you see so many Asians in like San Fran, but they're dressed in Cali clothes. They're like all decked out. That's not the same at all.

It's really weird. It's odd. Asian people have been in California for like... No, it doesn't make sense. One of my friends said, he goes, the Chinese just hit different in California. There's been a Chinese population in San Francisco since the 1800s. Yeah, but they don't look right there. This is not the same thing at all. They shouldn't be there.

We gotta get him out of there. Like on the West Coast, like Vancouver, there's like, I met a girl who was like Chinese and it was like, yeah, her family had been here for like six generations. She was so much more like

or North American than I was, you know what I mean? But it's like, no one would racistly think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, San Francisco's a completely different thing. San Francisco's rough. Thing of Somali, like Somali guys and fucking trailers is kind of funny. What do they do? And they're wearing like full suits and like biking. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I don't know what they... I've been trying to come up with I am the something now, an I am the something now joke this whole time. That's even why I brought it up again, being like, all right, you bring it up again, you're going to come up with it. What is I am the something now? I am the captain now. There's like Somali pilots. Oh, yeah. I am the... And I'm trying to... What's the white... I am the white trash now, man. I am the casserole now. Oh, no. Minnesota. Minnesota.

I am, no, that's not the way to go with it. I wasn't going white trash. What did you say? I get the government assistance. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. That was racist. I'm sorry. It's okay. Well, it was kind of against white trash in a way. Yeah. Because you're saying they're taking their welfare. I got shadow banned on Instagram for saying the word white trash.

What? Because you're saying if it's white trash, then what is black? Just normal trash or something? No, that's an insane leap of faith. It sounded racist to say white trash. Swag, I'm sorry. It was racist against black people? To say white trash? Yeah, white trash is racist because you're saying that there are white people and then there's white trash, whereas black people, they're just all trash.

Who said that to you? No, I think all black people are rich. Yeah, yeah. In the joke that I posted. There's no way an Instagram mod was like, by the way, here's the subtext of your... Look up why is white

Why is white trash racist? And I googled it and I think it was something like that. And you go on stormfront.org and it tells you. Yeah. Why is white trash racist? That's so fucking stupid. Interesting. What was the joke? You were saying white trash. I was just saying I'm white trash. Oh, yeah. You are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah. Well, isn't white trash just racist because you're calling a group of people trash? No. No.

Isn't that why it's racist? No, it's not racist towards white people. Saying white trash is somehow racist towards black people. It's just not at all. Google it! To who? Google. What website? Just because it's on the internet doesn't mean it's a thing.

Why is it still okay to call... To trash poor white people? Okay. What is white trash? Stereotypes of economic conditions? There's no black people that will march to take away white trash. Also, it's like your example makes no fucking sense. I think it's saying, like, because there are white people, and then if they're trashy, then they're white, whereas black people...

I don't know. You can also be black trash. Nobody says that, though. Okay. There's a couple other words. If you want to say that, if you want to say we're more harsh to minority poor people than we are white, that's one thing. Eagle walked up to the cellar table yesterday and he goes, what's up, white people? And I just compulsively went, I said the N-word today. And he's like, okay. Did you say it? Why? What was the context? I forget. Something. Okay.

You literally set up the context. What up, white people? I said the N-word. And then he went, yeah, you're a white person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did I say it? I said it to John about something. Oh, why did you say the N-word? Oh, I have no idea why. No, I said it to John Rudnitsky about something. You were reminiscing about Obama's election? Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, my grandpa did say about Obama, he was like, that's one smart N-word. And I was like, wow. Okay, cool, Jordan. He did say that. He really liked Obama. He really did. I was like, wow, this is gross. That's awesome. What's grandpa up to in the dirt? He's dead, yeah. What'd he go from? I don't know. Oh, something, diabetes? Diabetes?

Fat? Fat grandpa? He wasn't fat. He had the old man diabetes where they just like take a foot and then they die. Your body just decides what... Yeah. We're done. The diabetes where you get trench foot. Yeah. Yeah. Dad, dude. Yeah. The human body really is not meant to go. Yeah, my uncle's got that. He's got trench foot? Well, now he's like amputated on the leg. Oh, fuck. But his nails...

Because my mom used to go over when he was struggling and she would clip his nails and stuff. Dude, they were like fucking... The nails were big? The nails were like... It looked like... You know the diagram when you take out fat from a human body and it's like a yellow ball? No! That's what his nails looked like. Wait, and he wasn't fat?

He was kind of fat. He was fat. A little bit, yeah. He was fat. He didn't have, like, old, the grandpa diabetes. He had just fat guy diabetes. Grandpa diabetes is when they get scaly foot. All of a sudden, the foot is just dry. He smoked a lot of fizz in his trailer. But we've seen what you're talking about, where we see the homeless people grow out of their shoes. The elephantitis-looking shoes. Yeah. Right. Or the barnacles. I just never thought the nails would get bigger, but I guess it makes sense.

I just thought the nails would stay small and you get big fat clumps kind of over it. And it would just like wrap like a witch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting, interesting. Damn, your mom had to tend to her diabetic brother's foot? Brother-in-law. Brother-in-law? Yeah. Wow. Why wasn't your dad doing it? She liked it. Yeah, my mom is like, she likes being like, she likes helping people.

Oh, that's nice. She's like a special ed teacher. Oh, okay. I like it too. My sister's dog now crawled around and into the foot and I pulled it out the other day. It was really, I could spend my life doing that. You think that's equivalent to helping her? It's the same. Momentarily taking one nail off a dog is the same as like giving up your free time, getting to your fat brother-in-law. Giving up your Saturday to put lotion on the driest, fattest foot you've ever seen. And having to get the grinder to

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Damn, that's what, so did she do any other, did she make you do like a volunteer work when you were a little kid? Wait, didn't you work in an old person's home? Autism. I worked with autistic kids, but that was just, you know. He had to wrangle an autistic kid to the ground. Oh, yeah. What'd he do? She. What'd she do? Big old bitch. Yeah, it was like this big old, yeah. Because they were like huge, and then you had to like learn holds to do on them. Yeah. Like pin them down. Yeah.

Yeah, if you're trying to get into MMA, you should fucking work at a teenage autistic fucking school. Yeah. That's raw power. Yeah, that's raw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then if you want to, like, learn, like, the fighting aspect, that's, like, an old folks home. Yeah. Just street fights. Dude, have you seen that video of, like, that woman, like, calling that black caretaker, like, the N-word, and she just, like, beats the fuck out of her? The old lady? Yeah, she has, like, dementia. That's awesome. That's funny.

That's fucked up. Yeah, but it's like, you know. Jordan's like, well, that happens to me inevitably. Don't have dementia. I'm saying it willingly from the heart. Okay, so this kid like got out. That sounds so funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got loose. It was, like, in a center, right? And then afterwards, there was, like, we would drop them off to their parents' car. And I wasn't with this girl, but this girl had, like, two caretakers at a time because she'd get, like, aggressive. And then they thought she was having, like, a good day, and they, like, walked her out to her mom. And then she, like, started sprinting away from her, and she ran into, like, oncoming traffic. Whoa. And I just started, like, running after her because I was, like, she's going to die.

Like these cars are like driving. And then they were like, I like got like this close, like to like, you know, I'd like very close. And then they were like yelling at me. They're like, John, she has a rock. And I,

Dude, she turned. She had this huge boulder in her hand. Oh, my God. And she was like... And just turned and threw it on the windshield of this dude's car. Oh, what? It shattered his windshield. Holy shit. Yeah, dude. And it shattered it. And then I had... The guy was driving or it was pulled over? No, he just braked because... Okay, she was in the middle of the street. In the middle of the street, she brakes. He's like, what's going on? And then just a boulder...

Like a boulder just like hits his windshield. Boss, I'm so sorry. I promised I wouldn't be late again. You're never going to believe me. Really? Really? What? Did another fat retard throw a rock at you? Exactly.

It sounds insane. You're not going to believe it. It happened again. Imagine just like stopping your car and being like, oh my God, thank God I didn't hit that retard. I'm a little jealous of that story, honestly. Imagine pulling that out at a slow dinner party.

Well, dude, the funniest part was I had to push her out of the street and I got on top of her and held her arms down because she was going crazy. And I just hear the guy behind me talking to the other people. He was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I mean, with no context, that's insane. He was like, what the fuck is going on? Because now you're fighting her. I hope she doesn't hit that kid with that rock and then she's like...

He's like, what the... Yeah, and then I heard them, like, exchanging, like, insurance behind me, and she's like, dude, okay, the craziest part was, like... Actually, this probably won't be the craziest part, but we had to have, like, three people on her, because she was huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were like... I had, like, the arms, and this girl, like, had, like, her shoulders, and then her, like...

Her hand like slipped down her shoulder and it went right in front of her mouth and she went, no! And just like... Bit her own mouth? No, she bit the caretaker's like arm and she was like, she was like, fuck she... That's crazy. She break skin? Yes, like bad. Oh no! Like bad. Bad, she like bit it and she was like, she has it, she has it. She has it.

And then she finally, dude, cops, the way it ended was like these cops pulled up and you know like when there's like people that have been doing a job for a long time and they have pride in that job and they're like, I know how to do this. We had like caretakers that were like, officers, we got it under control. She's in a routine basket hold with a side arm shove. Dude, dude, dude.

Dude, what happened was... She was giving instructions. I had to kill them both. Yeah. Well, we had all this traffic behind this car, and the cop just comes up. She's like, sir, we have this under control. And he just handcuffs her, and she just immediately is calm. Wow. She was like, that's crazy. That's crazy to be defeated by a cop. You've spent your whole life. You've given your life to special education. And like a guy who... And a normal... Stop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Takes a club out. Bink. Fucking puts her up. Yeah. Hilarious. God damn, dude. That's... How old were you when this was going on? This was like...

Four years ago. Okay. I was like 21. That was your job? You were like, you were just working at the school? Yeah, I did that before I moved to New York. I just worked there for like two years. Get you ready for the big apple. Yeah, I was like, I'm just training. Damn, that's fucking hilarious, dude. How did you get, did you want to do this job?

The autism center? Yeah. Did your mom hook it up? Was it for bits? Dude, if you work in like a school or like a thing and you're like young, it's like a good paying job. Oh, right. You know what I mean? It's like, you're like getting like government money. Was there poop?

Yeah. Yeah, there was big old poop. Dude, this kid one time, this kid was just like, he didn't talk. All he could do is go, boo, boo. And then one time he was like, he was like tall too. And he was like, boo. Uh-oh. And just shit all over the floor. Oh, he's wearing shorts? No, he, we had to like have him. He came down his pants? He would like take off his pants. Oh, shit. And he was already pantsless. Oh.

And we were like, we didn't put it back on. And then you shit all over. It was like, but it wasn't like what it was just like the biggest big turd. Big turd. That's better than wet. It's way better than wet. You don't want to get the mop out. You don't want to get the mop out. George, I grew up with shit in the coat room every day of kindergarten class. It was incredible. And we'd all of a sudden. Every day. George, George.

George shit. It was awesome. What's he up to these days? I don't know. He was very mentally challenged. It was a sitcom. But I remember being like, I love George. I loved him so much because it would disrupt the class. We would all have to leave and he would be so like, you know when a dog shits and they get like a little stoked about it? Of course. It was like that. He would shit and be like. You're like taking a test. He's like, George, come on. Come on, George. I need this, George. He's like, I got you. Fuck.

Always in the coat room and he'd wander in and he'd be like, George. He'd be like. He was special ed, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Good thing you didn't go to high school with him. He could have talked you into raw dogging. Yeah. It feels better. It feels so good. Don't you think, Jordan? How could you let me put it in your wallet? Can I come to the coat room with me?

I did that. I did that in that same grade. Tossing salad is really cool, actually. It's really fun. Yeah, it's really fun for you. In that same kindergarten class, in that same courtroom, I remember this so well, my friend was like, can I French kiss you? Whoa. And I was like, what's that? And he was like, it's kissing, but it's with tongue. And I was like, mm-mm.

Okay, but only on the cheek. And he licked all the way up my face. And I remember being like, French kissing is disgusting. And that explains it. Wow, that's crazy. Full circle. Who knows what the fuck's going on in that kid's house. If that's what he wants to do to you. I got a sneaking suspicion somebody not age appropriate might have asked him a very similar question.

Damn. He was in love with me and called the landline and left a message going, near, fire, and sang the whole song, but he called my mom's office downstairs. So I came downstairs and all my mom's contractors and construction guys were sitting around this thing playing it and I was like, is that Sean? And they were like, oh, this is your little boyfriend! And he was like,

Wow. Anyway, I'd love to lick your face sometime soon. I'll see you in the courtroom next to George's shit. Just break it off with George and we can be together, George. I want to try a new thing on you. Get me back up. Wow, maybe that's the origins of being embarrassed whenever somebody's

shown affection towards you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because your first memory is just a bunch of lesbians and fat old guys laughing at you because a boy liked you. Pointing and laughing at a fucking nine-year-old. This is a fucking idiot. And then talking amongst themselves going, I can't believe it. Yeah, I can't believe this girl's in trouble. That's so fucking funny. Why would anyone?

I wouldn't even fuck her. I'm a contractor. And she's a child. And I'm a pedophile. And I love fucking kids. Not for me though. Pass.

There was a homeless person in in Nashville that would always jerk off like would always grab his dick like this or his pants whenever my friends would walk by and I'd be like who is it and they'd be like that guy and I'd be like dude he I see him every day and he would never grab his dick around me and I tried so like I would like slowly eat a banana walking down the street. How long wait you lived in Nashville? For a year yeah. Oh I don't I don't remember that. I started Comedy Buffalo then did it in Nashville then moved here.

Interesting. The big three. Yeah, the big three. Yeah. Wait. I guess Buffalo's closer to upstate. Yeah. Yeah. And my friend lived there.

And then I was moving here, and then my buddies in Nashville were like, just come here. Because, like, my dad died. All this shit happened. And I was like, I'm going to go be a famous comedian. They're like, you're manic? Move here. Yeah, that's probably good. Yeah, totally. New York would have crushed you at that point. I would have, yeah. Filled the void. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What jobs did you do before stand-up? I was a butcher. I was an organic bean farmer. Wow. I was a contractor, obviously. Roofer.

I was a bartender. What was your favorite cut of meat? Oh, I really like pig cheek. Cheek is good. Jowl. Yeah, really good. Shoulder's great. I know it's a popular cut. Pork shoulder. But it's a very flavorful cut. What did I eat the most of, though? I just always ate the leftovers, which were just the sausages every time. Just slightly sweet, a little bad, a little stale. Sure. But I liked cutting up the pig face.

Face what about what about beef cuts of beef cuts of beef? I like the you know what I actually love the most is is Liver liver is good liver is so good. Yeah, and the very nutrient dense. What's the one I'm thinking of the main heart and

Beef heart is sick. Yeah, yeah. Make a little beef heart taco. Tongue. Tongue. I had the tongue. I love the tongue. Lengua. Great tacos. Really good. I like tripe. Yeah. I like a lot of... I mean, I'll never be a vegetarian, but I love a lot of parts of cow. I know. I like the organs a lot. Yeah. Because it feels like it's helping your organs. Yeah. I think it is good for you. Do you think killing or just like slaughtering animals like really numbed you to a lot of stuff? I didn't kill them. Yeah, but you just were...

them carving them up. Yeah. No I don't think it numbed me because it was very because it was very like locally sourced and they all had back massages and then were donated. You know they were 100 years old and died in a field. Yeah. The coming. They died from nutting. They were really happy. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I do some, the only time I ever was like, damn, I feel bad about this is like, yeah, feel for sure. But even I went to a farm, there was a locally, there was like in Baltimore, there was like a place that was like, we source all our shit locally, all our meats, whatever. And I was dating somebody who, she was a waitress at this place, but it was like one of those, you know, this is like in the farm to table craze, this is probably like 2008.

I don't know, what the fuck. This was like 15 years ago at this point. Jesus Christ, I'm old, bro. It was that long ago? No, it wasn't. It was 10 years ago. Okay. 11. Either way. It was 11 years ago. But she took me. They would take their staff to see, because they wanted their staff to give speeches about where the food's coming from. And she took me with her, and they had some old-ass pigs there. And I just felt bad.

I was like, damn, are they going to kill these motherfuckers? These guys should be like grandfathered in. Like, I don't want, they're just like, they're just big as fuck. And they're like smiling. And I was like. It's really fucked up. Pigs, pigs does make me feel a little bad because they are smart. I do try and not eat pork. And I usually don't. And then I went to Greece. Whenever I'm in Greece, I'm like, I'm eating gyro, I'm eating fucking. Dude, I just got food poisoning at this wedding because I ate pork out of a trash can.

It was from the wedding though and it was so good, but it was the next day. Why did you eat it out of the trash? Okay. Was that a wedding? Wasn't there a buffet you could just go get it at? No, they made it the night before and then the next day they were like, I'm throwing out this pork, will you take it out? And I took it out and then this guy was walking by and I was like, I'm throwing out the pork from last night. And I was like, do you think it'd be weird? And he was like, if we ate a little bit and then we ate a little bit. Was it refrigerated? I don't, I thought so.

I thought it was. The old leftovers isn't so bad. I'm on your side here. Yeah. If it was refrigerated. It was so good. Why would you refrigerate something you're going to throw out? I thought they were eating it as a meal and getting rid of it. I didn't think that it was yesterday's food. But it was. Because it'll go bad quick. Yeah. I would.

I think pig is the devil's food, though. It's the thing that makes me the most sick, and it's the thing that I feel the worst eating. It's so good. I know. And it's so good. So pork belly, bro? It's so good. Like a big, fat, thick slab? Pork belly is bacon, right? Yeah, just a big-ass cut of it. Yeah. So good. Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes in the grocery, I would just, I would cut the, I would be like, oops, I cut your bacon too thick. And then I'd take it out. Nice. Staff it, staff that shit. Yeah. Good, good trick. Yeah. It's a great trick. I do that a lot. I got fired. Yeah. You got fired? Oh yeah. I've gotten fired from every job I've ever had except for my own business. And you sort of did get fired from it cause you didn't want to do it anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you stopped working when there was work. And I've gotten fired from job sites. Yeah, totally. Where there's no more. You are probably such a bad employee. I'm really bad. I sleep till 1 p.m. every day.

I always just say I have meetings all morning and then I work from 1 to 6. Nice. Yeah. They're like, oh, you have meetings. Cool. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I hired you to do this fucking part-time job. I'm so messy. It doesn't matter to me. You have to be so clean at the butcher place. They'd be like, no chicken on the thing with the cutting board. Oh, yeah. No cross-contamination. No cross-contamination. You didn't do that that long, though, did you? I did it here and in Ithaca.

I did it up in Williamsburg when I first moved here. Took the bus every day from Bedstuy to Williamsburg. - Wow. - Got fired from that. I always get fired 'cause I make friends with everybody and I just talk the whole time. Like I worked at a bakery in Bedstuy and she was like, "Can I talk to you?" And I walked through the bakery and the restaurant and everybody's like, "Jordan." And I was like, "What's up, da-da-da-da-da-da." And we get to the back and she's like, "You're too social, you're fired." And I was like, "Got it, got it." - You're too social? - Oh, I'm so, every customer I would have like a four hour conversation with. - Oh, you can have that. You have that. - What a dummy.

That's hilarious. That's all right. You don't have to have a real job anymore. You've given us too many lifelong customers. It was crazy. They'd be in there forever. And I'd always have a buddy just like hanging out. It was crazy. And I'd always try and fix something. Like a refrigerator would stop working. I'd be like, I got it. And I'd tear apart the whole thing. And customers would come in and there's like screws everywhere. And they're like, you can't do this. We have a guy who will take it out. And you don't know what you're doing. And I was like, I got it.

Just because your mom is a lesbian doesn't mean you can fix a fridge. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, you clearly have so much life experience, Jordan. I think it's time to use that to our listeners' benefit. John, you too, you've worked with the special needs, which this is pretty much what my fan base is. So let's see what we got here. Anything you'd like to plug here at the Midway Point, gang? When does this come out? September? September.

September 9th. September 9th. Just go to punchup.live slash jordanjensen for all my tour dates coming to Europe in March. Oh, in March. Nice. Well, everybody keeps asking. Yeah, but you don't make money. It's expensive and they tax you. I make no money. Yeah. You got to go as kind of like a vacation almost.

I gotta go. Yeah. I'm just bringing... Just look at it as it's fun. Yeah. You know, I went to the UK for the first time this summer. It was fucking cool. But you didn't make money. I was... Do people laugh? I like it because it's harder. It is harder. It's like... Well, also, it's like, you know, you get to a point where your fans come out to see you and it's like not that hard. It sucks. Yeah. I liked... I didn't do any like serious... I'm gonna go back to the UK, but I just like popped in on some shows. And it was fun because...

You had to fuck... And I did some shitty shows because I was like, I miss this feeling. I miss like... Struggling. Yeah, I miss having to win them over. Yeah. That's fun, you know? It's so fun. But yeah, I think I'm going to spend a little time in London next year for that exact reason. Then I'm also going to do shows there and, you know. It's also cool to be somewhere foreign where they speak English. Yeah. And not just they speak it as... Like Amsterdam, everybody speaks it, but it's like still feels foreign. But like there, it's like, yeah, it's fucking English. Yeah.

You know, yeah, you got an accent, but who gives a fuck? And it really draws attention to the jokes that you have where you're like, I can't say hinge. Or I can't say, and you're like, oh yeah, I shouldn't be saying the same thing. Right, it's another layer of like, it's putting your stuff through another ringer. Yeah, of like trying to reach humanity and not just humanity. Exactly, yeah. I'm really excited to, because I, alright, very brief comedy. We don't do comedy talk on the pod, it gets boring. But very briefly, I am interested in like,

I'm working on my next hour just from scratch. And I want to start it in New York doing spots like the good old days. And then it's like, then I'll do some shitty one-nighters. Yeah. To just kind of get the form together. Then I'm going to go on the road in America for like a long time, four months, whatever. And by then it'll be... And then that's when I want to like take a break, let it sit. Yeah. Because I find taking breaks from your material...

Like I was kind of mad after I recorded my special, I had like this weird little gap and I came back to it and I kind of took some stuff out and I added new stuff and I was like, this is better. Yeah, it's juiced up. But it's already recorded. I can't do shit about it now.

But like I find when I take breaks from it, it lets it kind of sit. You realize what's actually good. Some shit goes. Shit that you had an emotional attachment to when you come back with like an analytical colder. Yeah, you cut all the fat out because you're not like they need to know exactly what this looked like. Yeah, yeah. You come back to it and you're like, I don't even remember what it looked like. Yeah. And now you're saying it. Yeah, totally. So then I want to take a little break, then go to fucking Europe.

With that and like really put it through that and then maybe like another round of America, but anyway, I'm excited I'm just excited to actually do stand-up again, but that's a good way to do it to have like a framework that it'll go through I want to try doing that. Ari Shaffir was like do not I was gonna record an hour and he was like just stop You have a brand new hour already. You're really excited about it You want to get it recorded but he's like it will change so much and even since I'm saying that it's changed Yeah, much and gotten so much better. I think I think it's I think putting stuff out there is over. I

I think the oversaturation thing, I think it's oversaturated. I think getting anything out of it, it can still help some people, but like, I think it's better now to like, if you, if you've established yourself in some way to actually make something good. Yeah.

Yeah, I had this whole hour that is like a full formed thing. And then I just had 20 minutes that was about death and my dad. And I was like, this doesn't go in any. So I just recorded that, put that out. Interesting. And now I have the hour piece that I'm like very fine tuning. Yeah. But this was stuff that I'm like this. His death was so long ago. I just want to get it out. And it's just called Death. It's just about death. Mm hmm.

And that was fun to do. Just be like, this isn't like my baby. Yeah. This is important to me. I'm also interested in like comedians used to just have a lot of material. It didn't have to be an hour. Yeah. And they would kind of mix and match. I'm excited. I'm interested in that too. Like it doesn't have to be a clean. Anyway. All right. Time back in. No more comedy talk. Let's fucking find some guys who's cheating or his dick is, his dick smells bad or his wife's pussy stinks or something like that. What do we got here, Elders?

Hey, Tom. Hey, Alden. Oh, sorry. John, did you want anything to plug? People to find you? Just Instagram. John Henry Kennedy. Sign up for my email list. Oh, yeah. And he's big on Twitter. I'll frazzle my gimp on Twitter. You said you're like his aunt. He's really? He did do a lot on Twitter. Plug your tweets. Don't be shy. Plug your tweets. Plug your emails.

I tweeted about bagels the other day. So go look at that. Check that out. It'll be a little bit in the back. It'll be a while. It's probably a month from when you're listening to this. But scroll back. Keyword search bagel. Sign up for my email list so I can go on the road too. I guess that's kind of all I really care about. There you go, buddy. Let's see how this person can't stop farting. Let's see what we got.

Hey, Dom. Hey, Elvis. And guests, of course. So I guess I'm just calling. Mostly this is a call to be like, am I a bad person? Interesting. I know people call you all the time asking basically for permission to cheat. Right. I don't have that problem, but I am fucking around with a married guy, which, you know, seems kind of not...

Whoa. Side bitch. Seasoned side bitch. Yeah.

Relax. Oh my God. You're a whore. Disgusting crap. Homewrecking contract. Okay, chill. You're telling me you've never fucked a married guy? No, I would never. Really? Of all the things you fucking...

You would never? You would like take a... I don't like having sex with people unless I know that they will be with me or at least let me manipulate them into being with me. Very interesting. Okay. I fucked one guy who had a girlfriend. She's upset about it. Yeah, I get that. Let's finish this. I've...

Nice big titties and his wife has really small tits. This is where she loves me. I guess, do you think I'm a piece of shit? Do you and Elvis? I don't know. How do you feel about that? I know Elvis is married, so maybe he has an idea of I'm just a huge piece of fucking garbage or I'm just taking the opportunities as they come to me. Anyway, thanks. Love you guys. There's a Murphy bed behind this. He just pulls it down and sleeps in here. You have a wife? Why do I feel like she looks like Jessica Alba or like...

Babe, are you done doing that podcast? She's a very beautiful woman. She's too good for Eldest, of course. Just because she's a nice, caring person. But yeah, Eldest is married. He's been in a serious relationship for the last... But this is your side piece? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay. There's a couple elements to this call, I think. There is a weird thing of like... There's a type of side...

Side bitch here. Who... She's been through a couple of different administrations. She's been through a couple of different girlfriends. And in a weird way, does have a relationship that predates... This is very unhealthy. This is fucked up, in fact. Yeah. And then... I was kind of with her as like...

I was at least not as judgmental until she kind of like put down the wife, which to me tells me there's some kind of weird psychological you get off on cucking this woman in a weird way. And look, it's not good to fuck someone who's married or has a relationship, right? Now, I will say the blame is so much more on the person, right? Like if I fuck someone who has a boyfriend, it's like...

It's not really on me. I happen to be there. You know what I mean? I'm like, no, how dare you? And then she's going to be like, well, I guess I have to be faithful now. Someone's getting sucked off. Might as well be me. She's going to swipe left on you and go right behind you. So now, so there is, it's still wrong, but it's the amount of wrong that I can kind of

Whatever. If it's like a fling type thing or if you just hook up with someone and you find out later. That's also happened to me where I was like, I've hooked up with somebody and I found out they were dating someone. And it's like, oh, that's weird. But I ultimately don't really give a fuck. I mean, that's kind of I feel a little bad, but I don't fucking care. She's been fucking him for eight years. That's what's fucked up here.

It's also you. I need way more information. That's the problem. It sounds like you're an insane person. She has big titties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's the other thing. She also, she does, but this, I mean, there's a Venn diagram here between her and Jordan of not respecting themselves. Yeah. Because this is, you're not, this guy doesn't fucking care about you. He's got a wife.

And it's like, and he doesn't even, he hasn't been in a long-term relationship that he's like on and off about. And you're the other person. He's like, he's shopping around while you're fucking him. You've accepted this. You're the last option. And it's like, look, if you're okay with that, that's one thing. But I have a hunch you're not really okay with that. And even though like I have big titties that you have to put yourself, you have to put the wife down to make yourself feel better when it's like,

I hate to tell you this. The wife won. She's winning, for sure. You think you're winning. He breaks up with her. She gets a nice fucking payday. He breaks up with you. You just have these dumb tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All you got is back problems and gravity to contend with as you age. You got to ask yourself, why does he want to just have sex and not...

be with me if you've been with him for eight years why am i okay with this you know what i mean because she doesn't have to ask him that she the aunt she knows the answer she says herself yeah why am i putting why am i putting up with this is the thing because it's like that's kind of what's fucked up she's a whore so she'll probably be like because i like to have sex with him we have great sex and like i don't care who he's with i'm with other dudes too but you're lying to yourself your dad was a bad man and it's not your fault well first of all if he wasn't married it's not an issue

No woman likes having random sex just to nut. It's not real. What are you talking about? It's a myth. It's not real. We all want forehead kisses and commitment for the rest of our life. You don't even want that. You want someone to pull out a knife and make you suck his dick while he wears a leather jacket. What the fuck are you talking about?

But I want them to do that for him. You're so stupid, I swear to God. This weird conservative streak that you and Ian both break out sometimes is so fascinating. Two of the most non-conventional people. It's biological. Women want commitment. We want it. That's not... We want it. Most people do, Jordan, but the problem here is that this girl doesn't respect herself, is allowing herself to be in this fucked up situation. And maybe she is okay with being in some kind of open relationship, but she...

That's not what's going on here. She is being mistreated by this guy. And also, he's kind of dragged her down to his depths because being in a prolonged cheating situation kind of makes you a piece of shit. You know what I mean? Like, even if she doesn't have that in her, even if she wouldn't have sought that out, by allowing him to mistreat her, she's also kind of his accomplice in cheating on multiple women. So she, this guy has kind of made her worse in a way. Yeah.

But we can't speak to whether that's what she really wants. And look, you're probably right, right? I would say most people do want some conventional shit. But I can't speak to that. I just know you don't really want this. You don't want to be... Do you want to be a side bitch forever? I don't think you do. So I just think you need to...

Take some stock. Really think about this. What are you getting out of this relationship? Is the rest of your life, does just no one else pay any attention to you? Because that's another thing, right? If she has, there is like, I know people who struggle in dating and allow themselves to be kind of mistreated, men and women, but particularly, let's say women who,

aren't conventionally attracted like society is tough on a on a subpar looking woman right I'm not saying that's what this woman is ugly bitches yeah not the best hand and I'm not saying that's who this person is she could just be a mentally ill hot woman but either way I think the bigger issue here is that you're allowing this to go on and that it's a little I think it's a little fucked up for you

So yeah, good luck. Also, every time you tell yourself, well, he keeps coming back to me, so in the long run, I'll end up with him, which is what you're probably thinking, just know that at some point, he got out a ring with tears in his eyes and proposed to another woman. It's not like he was just like, I guess I'll marry this bitch, and then just sneezed and they were married. He went through it all. I don't know that that's even true. I know that you're right about the fact that his wife has more value to him, but this also could just be kind of a sociopath.

He might be a sociopath, but he got multiple women to believe that they loved him, which means that he's being very intimate with them.

I think some women are like, he's only being intimate with me and it's all faking it with them. It's like, not eight women are that stupid. Like, he's being very sweet and kind to them. He might be sweet and kind to her. You know what I mean? He probably is sweet and kind to her. But I'm just saying, when you're thinking about him being with other women, you're probably imagining like, oh, he's with them, but it's not the same way that he is with me. He is. He is like kissing them on the forehead. He is like tucking them in. You have to be pretty fucking stupid to think that.

You think she's really convincing herself of that? Yeah. Is this a little projection? No, women be doing that. She's with him for eight years through fucking seven girlfriends. I mean, you're right. She might be delusional. She's just delusional. The dick might just be good. I mean, personally, if a girl... Like, there's women who I've kind of checked in on and hooked up with throughout the years.

I'm open for business for past hookups. You know what I mean? We don't know how often... Has it really been... How often have they seen each other? Right, on and off. But I know... I'm gonna drink this. Go ahead. Yeah, go crazy. Drink his beverage. We have more beverages in the fridge, too. Anyway, but I think ultimately it's just a matter of she doesn't fucking...

This is kind of weird for you. Let's even... Let's leave the morality aside. Why are you letting yourself fucking do this? And if we don't leave the morality aside, even me, who's pretty liberal about this stuff...

Thinks this is kind of a dickhead move. Every piece of advice should end with you asking yourself why. Yeah. And I don't think you've done that at all. Yeah, probably not. But that's okay because now you still can. You still can. Think about it. There's so much time to do stuff. I know. There still is. And you have big tits. And you have big tits. Sounds pretty cool to me. And the pussy's probably pretty good if he keeps coming back.

Just for, I'm just doing eight years, multiple girlfriends, not bad. Big tits, nice piece of pussy. You, the world is your oyster. Just kind of stop cucking this lady with little tits and kind of respect yourself a little more.

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Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at WorkMoney. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at WorkMoney.org slash MoreRichContest for your chance to win $50,000. Next question, Elders. Okay, this one's pretty long. There's not...

A question per se. Okay. But I'm going to love this. I'm going to go for it. Okay. All right. Producer's exemption. You better not be wrong, Sula. The transcription's not available either. You're on thin ice, Mr. Sula. I'll allow it, but you're on thin ice, counselor. Hi, Elvis. Hi, Stav. You first. Love the podcast and guests.

I was wondering if you could help me see if I'm missing any red flags. So I met a guy online and we've been talking for about two months. He's great. However, I've got really protective friends and they think that, you know, I should be careful. So a little backstory for you. We met

Because I posted some erotica online that's pretty popular, and we started talking that way. We have all the same kinks in common. We live a couple states away, so at some point I'm going to fly out and see him. And all my friends are saying, well, you know, don't go get your skin made into a lampshade and all that. And I just feel like sometimes you just have to be fresh.

Okay, interesting. So she met a guy online through her Literatica post. So she, a horny reply guy, she met a reply guy through her erotic fiction. Yeah. Who lives a couple states away. Yeah, and she's saying, her friends are saying, don't rush in. And she said the phrase, don't get your skin turned into a lie. Okay, let's see what else is going on here.

They are a little bit paranoid because I was married to a narcissist that was also a murderer. Whoa! What the fuck?

Wow. Now we're talking by a language. How about this? Lead with murderer. His penis was small and he used it to fuck kids. I was with this guy that never did the dishes and he would decapitate old women. Do you see any red flags? I'm not... Holy fucking shit. Let's get the rest of this. All right, Elders. Good job. And...

I divorced him a couple years ago and went to, as your friend Rachel Feinstein put it, a hostile amount of therapy. So I worked on myself and he was objectively terrible, but you can't always blame it on the other person. Why did I feel like I had to stay in that and deserve that? So I didn't even kiss anyone for three and a half years.

What? A non-profit sex dungeon.

Well, I think the work you did on yourself seems to be working. I figured it out, though. Now I'm in a sex dungeon. Where I don't get paid. And it's a fucking, and it's like, honestly, a step up. Your life's got to be so bad when it's like, I'm a poly, I'm a poly, I'm a wench in a sex dungeon. And I hear that, I'm like, hey, good for you, sister. Yeah.

I went to therapy and came out a dominatrix. Holy fuck. The murder is... Anyway, let's finish this because I'm a little hung up on he was a murderer. Who did he kill? What is happening? She says it was like I was with a finance guy. Yeah. In my city. And so that's been going great. You know, been having great partners. You know, having great sex.

But then I started having this guy and I realized I kind of do want to be more serious. You know, um, when I got divorced, I got a brass deduction with my ex's insurance that he didn't want me to have. So this was great. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm not stressed. I flew to Hawaii and took myself on my honeymoon. Good for you. And I threw my engagement ring into a volcano. So, you know, uh,

So it's going great. But I actually think I like this guy and there's a lot of green flags. He wants me to come up and see him. He's like, if you want to put this on, that's great. I can get you an Airbnb. You don't have to stay with me. And I feel like, you know,

Jesus Christ, lady. What? What happened with the fucking other guy?

And how many do you escape him? How many examples of body decor do you have? You know, my Tony's are very creative people. The old classic, go on my eyeballs. Anyway, my vagina's so shut. But the moral of this is, should I go to Iowa to say hi to him?

I mean, how are you not going to give us a little more background on the murder? Yeah, what is happening? And it's three minutes exactly, which means she talked until it ended. Until it cut off. Yeah. She talked until it cut off. Yeah. I mean, this is a fucking insane story. And two crimes, by the way. A murder and a breast reduction. Two things I find morally objectionable. That's like two murders. Yeah.

Can we call this number? Will she answer? Maybe not. I mean, that is, she might be a candidate for a live show. We could try to set her up for a live, yeah. Yeah, you guys won't be here, but I would love to know more about it. I just want to know.

Yeah, it's like, did he get caught murdering? I mean, yeah, this is, okay, we're going to have to just pack up murder and put it to the side. Because there's just too much going on. Let's just assume she was with a guy. It's an abusive relationship. She seems like violent. He's violent. He killed somebody in like a gang thing. Sure. A separate thing. And now she's worried that the guy she's seeing is also a killer because he was in a literatica case.

Well, I think her friends also... First of all... Wait, why would she be worried he's a murderer? I don't know. She seemed to be really worried about it. No, no, here's what I think, Scott. I think you're close, but my read on the situation is she went through this bizarre life thing where I think she was probably dating somebody who was pretty, like, slightly abusive, but was also hiding a very fucked up part of him from her. But everybody was like, we don't fuck with this guy. You should get out of it.

He must have gotten caught or something, right? Like he must have for her to just say he was a murderer. You don't just divorce a murderer. Like, look, none of my business what you do. I just want out, right? Murder should be immediate divorce. You don't have to go to the court. I know. It's just so funny to think about that where it's like, yeah, you have to, I guess, technically go through the divorce proceedings even if a guy murders. Or maybe he's saying that because he's not in jail.

Maybe she's just like, yeah, he killed someone, but I'm not going to say. Or she might. What if this? This could be insane. He killed someone like before and she just accepted. That's what I think actually is going on. Because I think this bitch is a little crazy. Right. Yeah. And I think she was like, he's reformed and I love him. And yes, he killed somebody when he was 17.

This is Jordan from the future. Yeah. This is Jordan from the future where she finally like, she goes the opposite of sex negative, joins the sex dungeon, gets dick for like a year and then like just fucking marries some guy, some old guy. First of all, the freelance non-profit sex dungeon is not real. Make money if you're going to be doing that. If you're going to be throwing non-profit, that's crazy.

it's a safe space for fucking dorks to eat pussy and you know fist each other and whatever they want to do no go see this guy go you went to tall volcanoes it's nothing scarier yeah I think exactly I think you're in the middle so yes as

As insane as everything you threw at us is, as insane as every detail in this story is, at its heart, this is a story of woman goes through a ugly breakup and is trying to start her life over.

And you can meet somebody in a common set. I mean, comics that I know meet so many chuckle fucks, they just like DM them like, yeah, I like this. And now they're dating. Chuckle fucks is a horrific... Don't say that. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's like saying civilian. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are both insanely fucking embarrassing terms. You're right, you're right, you're right. So many... You say group, whatever, just girls online, whatever. Or like DMs, people who slide into the DMs. Basically, this dude slid into your DMs. He slid into your DMs because of your... And now you like him.

And that's the other thing. Like, I think also where her friends are coming from is most women, I think, are scared of meeting fucking strangers in the same city. Well, they don't trust your judgment, which is fair. Right. They shouldn't. You should not trust your judgment. And statistically, it is dangerous to do this, right? Like, unfortunately. Yeah.

It is. I don't know. What's the difference between meeting them in the Lower East Side? Like, you're just going. You have a vehicle. She's completely isolated in this fucking state. She doesn't know at all. You know what I mean? It's a state. There's Starbucks and shit. All I'm saying is... Don't go to his hut. Right, right. And that's what she's saying. Get your own Airbnb. Make it like a separate... Have your own kind of trip set up. Meet him. Go on a date as if you live in the same city. Don't say, like, I'm going to stay with you.

Plan a little trip to his bullshit state. Get your own place. Even, honestly, stay with a friend. Yeah, exactly. Bring a friend. Get a nice fucking two-bedroom Airbnb. Go on a date with this guy. And then if the... And just like, that's fine, right? But yeah, that's...

And then make your friend uncomfortable. Yeah. Through violent Airbnb sex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever shit you guys are into with the sex dungeon. And then draw a cartoon or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then draw hentai together. Yeah.

You fucking weirdo. Explain more. You're weird, but you've been through a lot. Yeah. And even though your titties are smaller, we still want you to succeed. You didn't say that, but we know. We can feel it. She did say it. I picked up on it. Oh, she did? Yeah, yeah. She got a resurrection. With the murderer's money? Yeah, which is funny. That's so funny that I missed that. With his insurance or something. Yeah, yeah. That's another. Every wrinkle could be its own. What the fuck are you talking about?

So anyway, but that's the long and the short of it. I think go to this place, bring a buddy. If one of your friends is real, this is also how you can check your friends. It's like, hey, do you guys actually give a fuck? Do you give a fuck enough to spend the weekend in Ohio? Yeah. You know what I mean? Because then after that, they can't say shit to you if they don't take you up on it. Yeah, that's true.

So yeah, get your own place, go on a, get dinner, do something. Oh, by the way, the first hangout, make it like a daytime hang. If you're going to be there for the weekend, meet him at a fucking farmer's market, walk around, have a fucking, you know, cronut. Yeah. And then if the vibes are right...

Be like, this was fun. Let's go get dinner tonight. Right? Like, set up multiple easy ways for you to just kind of back out. Also, talk on FaceTime. Like, actually feel the vibe out a little bit. Phone, FaceTime. Just feel like you know the person a little bit. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with meeting somebody online. This is the world now. Yeah, it sucks. It's weird when people are like,

Think we kind of are the generation where it's like I have felt my own thinking kind of shift on it Where it's like just so many people meet their significant others online Yeah, it's like our lives happen online whether we like it or not. So it's like when I asked the crowd How did you meet it's like half the time? I'm like basically asking which app right? It's crazy. Yeah, yeah Yeah, but that's what it is. It's like an okcupid wedding over there. That's how long ago they've been dating. I

Who? You guys are OkCupid? Wow. That was like 2017. And even then it was already done. I remember mocking Eldest for using OkCupid. We were roommates at the time. I remember him getting ready for his date with his wife and being like, dude, OkCupid. But, you know, he was proven right. It was a fluke. It was a fluke. Was it the first one you went on? What, online date? Or OkCupid? OkCupid.

No. You went on a few? You were using Okie Kieper in Baltimore. Yeah, maybe not in Baltimore. No, I think I was using Tinder a lot more. Yeah, he was a Tinder Lothario. Was this your room when you guys were roommates? It was. At one point, I also lived in that room. Stavs lived in...

Every room but this one. And this is my podcast studio now. Yeah. But yeah, Eldest has gotten his dick sucked in this very room. Wow. You can feel the energy. That's where you signed up for OKCupid, right there. Probably in that living room, honestly. My wife lived here when there was like five of us all together. Yeah, she held Eldest down while he had to deal with some family shit. It was before we were married, but yeah, I was like, I had to like... That's when you knew she was the one...

where she could be my roommate to help you out for three months. Oh, yeah. She loved living here. You could tell at the end she was just, like, taking all her meals in here. She was, like, not able to. She basically turned this, like, into a studio apartment. She did. I came in. I was like, a fucking couch? How did this fucking lady fit a couch in here? What she did with the space was fucking phenomenal. Yeah, it was awesome. Anyway.

All right, well, good luck to this. The murderer thing still is fucking hitting me over the head. I guess the only advice I have is good luck. Good luck. Good night and good luck. Yeah, we should get her on a fucking... Have you done that? Live calls. Yeah, we do live calls. Really? Yeah, they're fun. Live calls or live podcasts? We call people in live and then we don't put it out live just in case they say something crazy. Yeah. But yeah, they're fun. That's awesome. Yeah, you can come back and do one of those. Yeah, I want to do one of those.

Hit us with something nice here, Eldis. Hey, how's it going, Savi? Eldis and esteemed guests. So a little bit about me is I'm 32. I'm married. My wife is 35, going to be 36. And I have a 12-year-old son. Thanks for explaining how number four. The issue I'm having is that I have a vasectomy and I got it roughly... Wait, what? Vasectomy. Oh, vasectomy. Nice. Good ears.

No, seven years ago. But I've been with my wife for six years. And she knew I had a vasectomy when I got with her. And we always keep having arguments because she wants a kid and she's getting older. One note, the kid that he mentioned, he clarified in another call. That was from a former wife. A previous relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is every year that goes by, getting a vasectomy reversal, the chances go down. So...

When I'm trying to, uh, we get into an argument, it always ends up with me saying that, yeah, sure, I'll get it reversed or whatever, you know, I'm kicking that can down the road. Okay. Or whatever. Alright.

I was so on this guy's side because I thought it was like, look, I love you, but I got a vasectomy. I don't want any more kids. He's responding like he's playing Madden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Well, I'm just kind of like toying with the love, with the woman I ostensibly love. I'm kind of denying her one of the greatest joys in life because I don't feel like it. But anyway. Yeah, whatever. I'll fill my balls with cum or whatever. Yeah.

Or I'll get it reversed or whatever. You know, I'm kicking that can down the road. But honestly, I don't want another kid. And I don't want to hurt her feelings. I've gotten advice to say...

Jesus, dude. Yeah.

Fuck, I'm locked down for another 18 years and my son's already 12, you know? I'm paying child support on that. It's just, there's a lot to it and I'm not sure how to go about it. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself faking that I got a suspect in the reversal and just sitting here looking at her every day, her hope and everything. It would just kill me and eat me up inside.

So I'm not sure what advice you have for me. Holy shit. And I would really appreciate it. Thanks, guys. I think you know what the advice is. Yeah. You know what the advice is. Like, this guy has the urgency. The urgency in his voice is like he's talking to fucking King Solomon. It's like he's running down the road from the wife being like, fuck.

He's like, look, please use one of your magic wishes on me. Please change my wife's mind. Please make it so that I haven't been essentially lying to her. Deceiving a woman and changing the trajectory of her future permanently. Yeah, like that urgency is just the guilt, like the guilt coming home to roost. He's like, I'm thinking about like cutting off my dick and saying it was an accident. Yeah.

I'm thinking of pouring molten lead on my dick and saying I got fucked up at a job site. I'm thinking about pretending to go to war and blow up my legs. But, I don't know. Do you think I should do that? Do you guys have any other advice? Anyway, I love this special. Fuck, this guy's hilarious, man. Dude. You just have to tell her that you don't want a kid. Your options are so... You have fucked up so bad that...

Not making this clear. You had a vasectomy and a kid. You had... But here's what happened. There was a moment where to you, you didn't want to lose her. So you just pretended... You lied to her and said that you would consider... And maybe the time you...

You were considering reversing your vasectomy, right? No way. Exactly. I'm just giving them the benefit of the doubt, right? But there was a time where being honest was risky to the relationship and you decided you didn't want to lose her so you were going to lie. Or you thought it was risky. Or you thought it was risky, whatever. Who knows? Maybe if you had just been open with her, maybe she didn't want to lose you. I mean, you had a pretty good point. Child plus a surgery. If anyone is going to be like, hey, I don't want kids...

That's a guy who's got a really that's somebody that you might be able to at least like have an argument. Yeah, right Yeah, but now you've built a life together. I don't know how long they've been married. Did he say how long they've been married? My married my wife is 35 12 year old son Six years so he got them second right before they got together and

Yeah, dude. You're just bitching out when you guys talk. She cries a whole bunch. You have to man up and say, I don't want another kid and we can't be together. People break up over that. It sucks. Yeah, that's actually really true. The options are have the kid or get it reversed and just see what... Maybe God's got your back and you just never knock your fucking wife up. She's getting kind of... You know what I mean? But I just think...

This is tough, man. You have to either have... Like, you either have to... You have to be honest with your wife and just see what happens. That's the only way this relationship...

Succeeds here Because otherwise Your options are Just reverse the mastectomy And kind of Feel like You hate yourself And are a pushover Or make the decision To reverse it And actually have a kid And I get that What you're saying Is like you have a 12 year old You're 6 years away But like Bro you met her When she was 30 Which is already You know Not the Like I know Science is whatever But it's like Every year it gets harder To have a fucking kid And like

You got to tell her one way or the other. If you know she really wants something and you've kind of pretended you'd be into it, it's fucked. I think what you're realizing is you've been fucked up to someone that you love and you feel really guilty about it. And you got to decide, man, are you going to just fucking have a kid with her like she wants or are you not going to have kids? From where I'm sitting, honestly...

Who gives a fuck? She wants the kid. You already have a kid. Just have one. He's 12. He'll be around. He'll be a good... You know, it's like... I don't know, man. Also, if you have the thought where you're like, I really don't want to have a kid, but I don't want to tell her that I've been fucking her life up, just be like, I thought...

I thought about it long and hard, and I realized now I don't want to have a kid. You don't have to go back. You don't have to be like, I knew this the whole time, and I fucked your life up. Just say you made the decision now, because that way she won't go back. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Lie, but not as big of a lie. Not as big of a lie. Don't tell her that you knew this since you got together, that you were going to fuck her day up. Yeah, I know what you're saying, but this isn't like...

By not getting it reversed, he was basically saying, I don't want to have it. By being like, oh, I'll do it later. Right. He was kind of like, I know what you mean, but it's still like a, hey, I really thought about it when I actually had to do it and I don't want to do it. Right, right, right, right. He doesn't really have a way out. Yeah. You know, he's just. Yeah, but his whole like lie was, should I like spray mayonnaise in her and say it's jizz? Yeah, yeah. It's like, dude, you got to do something truthful. Yeah, yeah.

You can't lie to her. And also, you should just have another kid. What else you got going on? I don't think this man should have any children. You're a bad guy. You are not a good guy. Well, he had the first kid. He was pretty young. And she was six years ago, so your kid was six when she was with him. What does she want? She wants to be pregnant? Yeah, I know what you mean, but some people want. She has like two years left. Let her go and find somebody else. Take one for the team. Take care of your son, who you obviously hate.

Right, right, right. Who you see as nothing but a financial burden. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. This guy's probably not a great dad if he's already had a kid. He's trying to convince her. No, it actually sucks to have a kid. You don't want this. The kid's standing right there. He's like, this is bad. No, no. The kid's living with his mother.

The kid's not standing anywhere near him. I have a 12-year-old kid that I can talk to sometimes. Yeah, I have a 12-year-old pen pal that I have to buy two presents a year for. Yeah, dude, you have to just have this. And here's the other thing. You never know. You could be truthful and she could be like, I'm 36. Do I really want to start over? I love this guy.

can't like you know what I mean like she might she might be like this sucks but I want to stay with you you know what I mean like you never know she won't because you're a bad guy she won't because I would if I was her I'd feel incredibly betrayed by you yeah but what you gotta do is be like I've been thinking about this I don't think I want a kid

That's how you go into it. You don't go into it going, I've been lying to you for five years. At our wedding day, I crossed my fingers. Yeah, don't. I know what you guys are saying. I wake up and stare at you at the foot of the bed while we're sleeping. Yeah. I just feel like that's such a like tough sell because it's not something that it's like he already has a kid.

What I would do is I would eat a bunch of mushrooms and be like, I had this huge awakening that I realized I really don't want to have a kid. I would make it seem like an event occurred where I was like, suddenly. Or I would be like, I saw a kid die in the newspaper and it broke my heart so much that I can't possibly have it. Or like Trump winning the election or some, I would blame it on an event. Well, that's the dumbest thing ever.

Well, that's what I would do. Trump won. Sorry. My balls are not getting touched. That's what dudes be saying. They're like, oh, I don't want to have a kid in Trump's America. I'm like, you live with eight guys in a basement. Those are the guys who are like, oh,

Yeah, yeah. You can come with me and I'll just like take my baby. You don't have to have a kid. I wasn't asking for your comfort, kid. I would never do that. I just wanted you to take the condom off because I thought you'd have a better time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I thought you would want to do it again if we did that. The saddest laugh. Oh.

Yeah, dude, I'm sorry. The chickens are coming home to roost here. It's so hot. I know, it's hot. It's so hot. I know. It's tough. The summertime podcasts are tough. Yeah. Yeah, dude, you just gotta... All of these are interesting things, but at the end of the day, what it comes down to is you have to fucking... You just gotta tell the truth here and say, you know what? I just can't see myself... He's 30. He's like, I can't see myself being like...

changing diapers you know what I mean in the next couple years I've been through it and it's like I just and and then see what happens man and she might be hurt and she might leave you but she will leave you you know she's been to her credit she's been clear about what she wants and you just haven't taken it seriously and that's on you you might have to pay for it here by either having a kid or losing this person sounds like you're a little scared of her yeah

I think this is like... I mean, I know this feeling. I remember I got caught... When I was in... I was in like third grade and there was a stretch where I was like telling my parents I did all my homework at school and telling my teachers I left my homework at home. And I was like, this is fucking genius. I could just do this forever. And then there was a parent-teacher conference and they were both in the same room and I was like...

No. I'm fucking. In this situation, he's going to be like, yeah, he fixed my vasectomy. I'm fixed. No, I didn't. Is that like a dinner somewhere? Yeah. Yeah, he just takes an X-Acto knife to his cock. He's like, oh, I did a bad job. Anyway, dude, you know, whatever. Again, good luck. You're pretty fucked here. Yeah, you are. You have to decide what you want more. You know, your wife.

And the other thing is like having a kid would almost be like, yeah, you would just like almost make up for being a fucking shithead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would be kind of like a, and it's like, but if you really don't want a kid, then you just have to fucking get out of that relationship. It's selfish basically to be like, what I want is for her to give up on what she wants and to just live the life I want her to live. Right.

Right, you're a bad life. A kid is anything other than you, which I am for. You know what I mean? It's either live her life with a liar or leave him and have a kid. That sucks. I know. That's brutal, dude. And she's just like, he says he's going to reverse it. Isn't he so committed? And he's like, fuck. Yeah. But anyway, dude, you know. You may be fucked, but you're never fucked if you're telling the truth, at least.

There we go. There we go. There we go. You can't really, because then you're like talking to like a podcast right now. Yeah, you're just like. You're like sending in a voicemail like, what do I do? It's like, dude, just, you know you shouldn't be doing this. I know. You know you shouldn't be doing this. I know. At the end of him being like, if you have anything. What could we possibly come up with, man? This is a tough one. A pickle. I'm putting you in here. Hey.

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Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at Work Money. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at workmoney.org slash morerichcontest for your chance to win $50,000. All right, what else we got here, Elders? Do you want a water? Yeah. Grab some waters. Hey, Sav. I am a 30-year-old married woman. I've been married for a few years. Nice. And I need your help.

I have a great sex life, love my husband, love sucking dick, love eating ass, like I do all that with gusto. - With gusto. - But one thing that has become a problem for me lately is that I don't really enjoy making out anymore. - Interesting. - I think I'm in a situation where like-- - This girl loves eating ass and sucking cock but she doesn't like making out with her husband.

I think I'm in a situation where like I'm in too deep and I've forgotten just the simple pleasures of like just kissing someone. So my question for you is like, how do I make out? Because I feel like I just straight up don't know how to do it anymore. And also, how do I enjoy it again? Just get back to

And to, you know, enjoying all parts of the man, like being sustainable. Another piece of this is that I'm about to start hot wifing and I don't want to be like someone who is bad at making out when I'm like, another beautiful turn. So any advice you have on making out, I would love to hear.

All right. Fuck, dude. You're fucking, you're Eldest Night Shyamalan today, Eldest. You've been hitting us with the, every call has had a twist at the end, bro. Hot wifing is basically getting fucked. Like your husband sending you off to get fucked, then you come back and like tell him about all the cock you got. It's a form of cocking. But where he doesn't see it. He doesn't see it. He just gets off on the fact that his wife's out being a whore.

Watch the scene in Clueless where Paul Rudd and Alicia Silverstone make out because it's a really good kiss scene. Okay. And I'm not just saying that because she's kissing her stepbrother and that's what I'm saying. Classic Jordan stuff. Very Jordan coded. Yeah, watch movies where they make out real good. Did you scroll up? She basically says she just doesn't like kissing anymore, which is like, I don't even know how to kind of address this. Smoke weed. Weed helps.

But what do you mean? You're just sitting on the couch and sucking your... And you're like... You know, you're eating some Doritos and then you're like... You don't work up to sucking dick. You just... I mean, I guess I could see pulling it out and sucking it every once in a while, but...

That is kind of the natural lead up to sex is like a little fucking smooch. Also, do you not like making out because you have a husband who wants you to go have sex with other men? Yeah. Which is hurting your feelings. There's a solution that might disgust her. Practice making out with your husband to get better for the guys that are going to fucking fill you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That are gonna fucking just really get the tank up all the way to F. Hey, your husband is very stupid. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't want to kiss me and she's like down to fuck other dudes. I don't know. I mean, she sucks dick and eats ass with gusto. That's something. Yeah, you're a garbage person. That's crazy. Stop with the judgments. Sorry, we're going for ass over mouth. You were just talking about fucking your stepbrother and shit like that. Relax. Dude, at least it kept in the family. Yeah.

That's a great point. No, you got me there. I mean, if you really want help in, like, learning how to enjoy kissing again, you can't do what you're doing. It's like, you have to change it your whole life if you want to get better. You know what I mean? You gotta slow down. Yeah, absolutely. Kissing starts with, like, no longer, like, fucking 15 guys. Yeah. She's like, she's like, hey, I...

I'm about to start dropping atomic bombs, but I really want to get into hand-to-hand combat. It's like, no, then you got to start right back at the basics. You know what this is? This is like my, you know, try watching a porn without touching your dick for the first few minutes thing. She needs to like resensitize herself. Eldest, by the way, to catch you guys up, Eldest was going through a period of time where he would watch pornography and not jack off for the first 10 minutes to kind of

center himself sexually. And not just like fiendishly search through like a hundred videos. To him that's like zen romance. Yeah, put in like the bowl. Watch the black cock enter the anus before touching my own. Just settle into the scene a little so you're not like, you know.

Be in the moment. My real advice for this lady, if I was her therapist, is I'd be like, it's okay that you don't like kissing. You don't have to force it. If it comes back, it comes back. And you can just be somebody who's like, I'm not really that into kissing. It's totally fine. Just accept it. Because if you force it, it's going to feel weird and it's going to make it even worse. But there is something I just don't understand about

Like, you don't kiss... Like, you just... Every time... You're somebody with a voracious sexual appetite and you don't kiss? There is something about that. And I know you were... I don't eat ass and I love making out, though. I love making out and eating ass is the worst thing in the entire world to me. She likes eating ass. Right, so I'm saying she makes up for it. Like, you can be the hot...

Smurf wife or whatever it's called. Hot wife. Hot wife, where you go. Smurf. The hot smurf where you paint yourself blue. Yeah, you're the ass eater. That guy will have a different make out hot wife, but you're the ass eating wife, which is amazing. And you don't need to like kissing. Who's telling you you have to like? You like eating dude's ass.

asses. Right. I don't think the guys you're going to suck off at the club and then spit the jizz into your husband's mouth, keep the nut in your mouth the whole Uber home and then spit it on his forehead when you get home. I don't think those guys are going to be too pissed that you're not going to deep throat their fucking tonsils. They're like, I don't really want to taste my own ass. After you fucking tongue his nuts in the bathroom. But

But at the same time, yeah, I would really love to delve into the hot wifing thing. What's going on there? And I know you joked, but is there something to that? Is there something to you have lost the tender connection to romantic sex and it's all kind of like...

You know, kind of compulsive behavior. I'd love to know the dynamics of her and her husband. Like, whose idea was this, right? Because, I mean, there are some real freaks out there that actually want...

Want their wives out there fucking it's like I just I don't get that That that kind of like that is what I get a little old-fashioned. Yeah, where I'm like, what are we doing here? And this guy you don't even want to it's not even like a weird watch power thing like yeah I could at least sort of intellectually understand where it's like I'm Making like she will do whatever I wanted the fact that she'll fuck this other guy in front of me But this is like okay, honey. Here's your lunch. I

Here's your bag full of fucking condoms and plan B and fucking spermicidal lube. And then you send her off like I don't get it. But I'd love to know what the dynamics are. And, you know, you say you have a great sex life. Who is that? You are you driving that? What like there just seems to be something there.

Especially if you're just about to start hot wifing and you haven't been out fucking other guys and the kissing thing is purely between you and your husband. To me, that means something is up with your relationship to your husband personally. It's the most, weirdly, it is more intimate than

than eating someone's ass. It also sounds like you're taking something like Adderall or steroids or something, like with all the eating ass and the sucking. She doesn't have to be relaxed. No, there's something going on. We got some natural talent out there, Jordan. You gotta connect to nature. You gotta go back to your roots. You gotta go outside with your husband laying in the grass. Relax. Bury your pussy under some mulch for a little bit. Yeah, there's something going on.

on? Yeah, this whole story, I'm like, opiates are dangerous. And also, I do think that, you know, that your husband is a gay man. Remember, Elders, weren't we watching that couple that was into hot wifing for a while? And then, was that me and our boy Big G? Yeah.

I don't know. What, on social media? No, there was like a couple. I guess it wasn't you. Me and my old roommate, one of my other roommates, we would watch a couple that was really into hot wifing. And it was like this bald guy who kind of looked like Johnny Sins. And it was like this lady who was, you know, kind of a hot inner 30s blonde lady. She was hot, whatever. And it was like, you know, there was a weird energy to it. And then literally like nine videos in, the guy was like...

I have realized that I am gay.

Or like I think it started with he came out as bisexual and then it was like he's gay and then he's and it's like oh that's interesting. Yeah because you want like other people to fuck your wife. Yeah. You want to be like how hard was his dick? You want to smell other guys dicks. Yeah. And then you want her to eat your ass. Yeah you might be. You want her to put something in it. And it's like the tongue it will go in but you want something bigger in it. And from what I understand from what I understand the like they're not necessarily I don't think those guys are fucking other women.

It's one thing to be in an open relationship and kind of get off on your partner's conquests. Again, that's another thing I could intellectually see. I'm not interested in that. And I do know that there are some women who have like a fucked up, like, my guy can fuck, you know, like they like that. Yeah. This, I guess that's the reverse of this, the male version of that. But it's like...

No, that's not what's going on here. This is just go get stuffed. He wants to, he's sending her on these work trips to go get fucked like side quests so he can have sex while you're gone with like a huge, huge orgy. That could be. That's what I think. That's interesting. But anyway, because they're freaky. They are freaky. Yeah. You think you're gone and he's not freaky?

Maybe. I mean, some of these people, that is the dynamic. Like, that is, that's what I don't find. That's why, again, I don't understand it fully. I just think that your body, when you go to kiss your husband, intellectually or subconsciously knows that you're like, this dude is sending me off to go get gang raped. And then when you're off with the other dudes, you're like, I don't even want to kiss these guys because they're strangers. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, you might just, your body knows that you're like, I'm not down. That nothing about this is intimate. Going in for a kiss. Ah, yeah.

I know that you want me to get hurt. Yeah.

You want me to tell you the story of it so you can jack off? I think, now, I wouldn't go as extreme as you went, but that is, there is, I do think the key to this kissing thing is in your relationship with your husband. Because that's who you're kissing, ostensibly. Unless you guys have opened it up in other ways and now you're just going to add hot wifing to the mix. But there's more here. This also feels like someone, make a couple notes of these people because I do think both the murder, the,

Ex-wife of the murderer and this woman are both very interesting that we might need to follow up with on a live call. You got something fun to go on? I feel like we've been going for a while. I've lost track of time. Yeah, it's two hours, ten minutes. Oh, what the fuck? We've been crushing it. Holy shit. Something nice, short, and sweet, Eldis? Love you guys. This isn't a...

advice question, but it is a shout out to you and the pod. You're out here changing lives, mine specifically. This might not be the biggest deal, but it meant a lot to me. The recent episode with Diego Lopez and Michael Bruschi, there was that one caller that... Hilarious. Of those two, Mike was the one you fucked? When he was fat or recently? Tough.

Been talking to a girl and then she just started kind of like dating away. She was just kind of keeping him on the back bench or the back burner. And then he found out she was dating a girl. Or she was dating, yeah, she was dating a girl. But anyway, you specifically were talking about how walking away from that situation is the win, not the L. You're not losing anything.

And that inspired me to finally cut the cord with the narcissistic relationship that I have been in in the vicious cycle for several, several months. So I am actually driving there now to do that.

He's on her way to break up with her. Also, if you're on your way, you're not breaking up, dude. If you were like, I called him, said it, and blocked, I'd believe you. But you're driving there to be like, I realized something. And you're going to fuck and be together for another year. I believe her. This girl got her life changed by Stavi's world. What is the end here, Elvis? Anything else?

To do that. Good for you. And, yeah, so, again, that might not be the biggest call, but I just wanted to say. We hope you're all right. We hope you went through with it. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Well, I am your therapist. I'm the world's therapist here at Stavi's World. Well, thank you to our guests. Thank you.

That was great, guys. Thanks, Jonathan. That was fun. I had a great time. I'm going to pee. Yeah, we're done. We're done, baby. John, thank you, man. Thanks. Great having you, bro. Dude, I'm sweating so bad. I know. The AC works out there. Anyway, that's going to do it for us, folks. See you next time. Bye-bye.

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