#91 - Jay Jurden
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got my boy Jay Jordan on the couch. Hello, hello. What's up, Jay? How you doing, buddy? Doing well. Happy Pride Month. Yeah. I can't wait, dude. Yeah. Shout out. What a great time. This will come out probably in August. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But right now it is... But you can do gay shit then, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, it is August, but me and Eldis, we're sucking each other off. Yeah.

So just to make Jay feel more at home. Every time I say I'm thankful for the Greeks for admitting homosexuality, I'm grateful for lemon on meat. That's right. I'm grateful for statues. We came up with a lot of great stuff. Mykonos. They were doing it. I might go to Mykonos just to celebrate. You should go. That is true, man. I mean, look, even if you're homophobic, right? Yeah.

Just the amount of joy Greek inventions have brought to people. Just from a generated happiness in the world, gay shit has made a lot of people really happy. I mean, like, even bigger than... Okay. Yeah. Fraternities in general. The amount of gay shit you have to do to hang out with your straight friend. It's layers to this. And hanging out. That's the thing. It's like, that's a Greek... Greek culture is so...

It really is the best. Every summer I get... And I mean real Greek shit because that would always piss me off, the fraternity stuff, because they just... It was basically just weird little clubs that took Greek letters. Yeah, yeah. And they were... It really was a little too like...

It was like... You can say it. They were doing Greek face. They were doing Greek face. And we don't approve of that. They were doing Greek face. And it was like... Because it was like racist. Everything starts at a southern college. It's like KKK adjacent. They got the robes. Back when that was just like a secret club had those robes. And the only ones that you found out about was the KKK. So I feel like it's just a little too... I don't like that Greek letters are involved in all that shit. I did...

Was in fraternity in college and I remember when they brought the robes out everyone was like what the fuck is going on? No, it's on the pot. I don't give a fuck. Thank you suck my dick The weird that's the thing it's like I went to such a lame school that it was like there wasn't any real way Where'd you go? I went to UMBC. Okay, we're in Baltimore County. I

Yeah, yeah. We had to break it down to the county level, dude. That shit sounds like a jail. Yeah, yeah.

University of Maryland, Baltimore. You're right. You're booked there. You didn't get enrolled. I really, it was such a bullshit school, but I got, I, it was the only school I got a scholarship at and I couldn't live at home. So, uh, no academic. Oh yeah. I was like, yeah, Jake can tell. Jake can tell. I'm a, finally someone who respects my athletic prowess. Yeah.

Wow, I took that seriously immediately. It didn't even take me one second. That was funny. You were so close to me. I did play, Jay. Thank you for seeing. Of course, I was a starting nose tackle. But no, it was actually my academics that did it.

I had that summer where, like, in middle school, you're like, man, what if I grow up and I become an NBA player? And you have that one summer where all your friends get to be, like...

6'1". Right. And you're like, oh, it's not me. Dude. I was not chosen. I remember tryouts for high, I played middle school basketball. Yeah, yeah. And you go to high school and it's like, I got cut like before anyone even tied their shoe. Like, they blew the whistle and they were like, jog around the court once and then they blow it again and they're like, you, you, you, out. It was just every short fact. How do you,

How you pronounce it is Halkius. Halkius, you're out. Yeah, dude, it was fast. Me and all the other fat short kids just fucking hitting the cafeteria, getting one of those little pizzas, one of those little personal cafeteria pizzas. I love a fat point guard.

Fun. If you're running a pickup game and there's a shorter, rounder dude who's a floor general. Love that, dude. Somehow behind the back pass, even though their arms are fat and stubby, that's awesome. And not fast, but quick. Not fast down the court, but just one jab, step away. Agile. Yeah.

Yeah Agile yes No that was My playing style was My street My pick up style Was a lot of A lot of picks Um

Because I weighed 300 pounds, right? So it's like, even like a 6'5 guy who's like 200, they would just run into me like a fucking wall. It felt awesome. And then, yeah, a lot of little, oh, a little add before my knee, before, you know, the weight of your knees, what you do to your body. Because, yeah, I definitely, that was my move. We're at that age where we can start doing the old man tricks. It's happening, dude. To the kids at the Y. Oh, yeah. Pulling the chair. Yeah.

A lot of bounce passes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude, I can't wait to. I have to. I've set a fitness goal. After I tore my plantar fascia at the Skanks Fest basketball tournament, I decided I needed to lose. Were you the only person injured? There probably were a lot more injuries. I was the only obvious one. Yeah, unfortunately, yeah. It was, no. Ari Shafir walked away unscathed. Steve Ranazzisi walked away unscathed. It was just me. Brennan Sagalow somehow didn't even get injured, but it was just me.

I was like, I got to lose 100 pounds before I play basketball again. And I'll tell you something, Jay, we haven't quite made it to that. We haven't made it there yet. We haven't made it there yet. But I have to because I can't let Skanks Fest be the last time I played pick up hoops. I used to love it, dude. That was my favorite shit in the world. God. What was the team breakdown?

At the tournament? Yeah. Who was... How do you, like, go... Is it East-West? Is it, like, OnlyFansGirls? It was all podcasters. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was, like... It was supposed to be Comptown, but they didn't go. Okay. So, as a... So, I think Lewis...

just found two black guys yeah it was like well what happened is he started a fight yeah on the street yeah and the joke was oh this has come down it's me and two black guys so i was just playing pick up with two guys i didn't know and uh we didn't even win which sucked they were like they were tall too they're like six four you're like lewis how'd you screw this up yeah yeah yeah um but it was which is a funny bit it's a one of those things that's funny in theory and then it's like well i have to

play a whole tournament with like these guys I don't really know I didn't want to play it I should have just not done it they start telling you heartwarming stories you're like I might as well play it for my son yeah yeah yeah they need they need this yo Kratom prize money to take back

But yeah, dude, I can't let that be the final time I play pick-up hooch. I got a court super close to my house, but these kids, these New York teens, they're scary. I believe you, dude. They will take your basketball. They also are mean before you get to the court. They're harassing each other. They're talking shit. So then you're in your 30s with your ball, and you're like, Ashley, I'm good. Yes.

You know what? Can y'all... I'm just going to shoot by myself on this side. Stay away from me. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't want... No, sorry. Play two on two. You're not picking me up for an extra one. Go over there. There was... We were so grown up in Baltimore. There was one... He happened to be a family friend of Elders. There was one Eastern European, like... He must... At the time, what was he, 50? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was probably in his 50s, yeah. This guy in his 50s playing with, like, 13-year-old city kids. It was so funny. And he would, like, yell at us, and he would, like, you know, get it in everyone's face. Fun fact, that man became Luka. That became Luka Donic. He had the very Euro-style game. You can't lie on your own. They can lie about how old they are when they come over here. We'll never know how old Peja Stojakovic actually was. Luka's actually a 70-year-old Serbian.

That Eldest's family would have Thanksgiving with sometimes. I have a bit now where I talk about how I know progress is real because we have good white NBA players again. And then crowds at comedy shows get excited and I go, whoa, whoa, not regular whites. Not American whites. Eastern European whites. War-torn whites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you need the trauma. You need a little something. You need something to get you out of it.

Yeah. And you need like, there's a difference in European and American racism. Yes. You know what I mean? European racism is more combative. You know what I mean? Where it's like, it's just like nationalism where it's like, we're better than you because we're better than everyone. Yeah. Not like American, which is like, we're scared of you, but we're also going to ruin your life secretly. You know, that's American racism. Whereas like those war torn euros, they're not...

scared of black dudes in the same way this is how I know European conflicts are intense I should know where Kosovo is yeah but like I grew up I was like they stay fighting over there yeah dude god damn yep shout out to Bill Clinton no is he on the pod is he coming yeah friend of the show Billy C you know what I mean he don't listen he wasn't on that island yeah

Oh, man. Who knows what other... You think he's, like, pissed that he had to do, like, other more low-key pedophile shit now? Where it's like... He must have been like... You think he's mad he's playing the pedophile B-room? Yeah, dude. Yeah. It's like they're in Marriott's. They're not in, like, a beautiful island. He has to go to some fucking shitty ballroom where it's like, hey, man, look, we gotta lay low. We can't do pedophile islands right now. Another pizza place? Okay. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry.

I'm tired of pepperoni. Oh, man. Yeah, dude. You know he thought he was going to just sail into his golden pedophile years on the island. Poor guy. Sail? Isn't it? It's kind of like sunset in my house. Yeah, yeah. He was like, oh, man, I was going to be first gentleman. That's where you can fuck kids on the plane, on Air Force One. God. Oh. Yeah. But I do feel like Hillary would have poisoned him. I feel like she would have.

I feel like I feel like If he got to the point Where it was so messy If she was president There would have been like True Like a Netflix drama Kind of scene Where like We see him in the hospital And she pulls the plug That'd be awesome You know what I mean Like that level of like Yeah yeah yeah

Allegedly. All of this is allegedly. No, no, you're right. It is kind of fucked up we didn't get President Hillary to see how evil she would have been. Yeah, we never got to see the full... No. No. They were just killing people when he was governor of Arkansas. Imagine what they would have done if they got second chance at the White House, dude. God. After Bush gave them all that spying apparatus, dude. Oh, man. Hillary with all of Bush's spying. Oh.

I just, okay. Would have been awesome. Since we're talking about it. Let's get into it, baby. Imagine wanting to be governor of Arkansas so bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, we got to get rid of her. Yeah. We got, these reporters from the Little Rock Tribune. Yeah. They're talking a little bit too much. She's got to go. That bitch with the crimped hair that my husband got head from. She's got to go spelunking. Oh, beautiful, hilarious stuff. Yeah.

He was also so fat back then. It's funny to see people start being evil before they reach their final form. He was, he like, they made fun of him for being fat. People who weren't alive during the 90s don't know this. They like made fun of him for being fat. So then like, he went on this fitness kick where like, he'd be going on walks and like short shorts and stuff. Yeah, he would do like campaign stuff. Yeah, which,

It's wild Because if it was right now He'd be like Yeah I'm fat What's up Yeah yeah Well he wasn't even that fat Oh This is the 90s This is when George Costanza Was the fattest man alive Ha ha ha

So Clinton. Because he was not. Look at him. He was just a little punchy. Look at these legs. Wait a second. Oh, there he is. Oh, Eldest. These legs. He had them out, bro. He had the thighs out, bro. That's crazy. That's the president, bro. The president had one inch inseams, bro. His nuts were hanging out. Oh, my God. Wow.

Wow. Those are the shorts that, like, they put on American apparel models when they were going to assault them. He's putting on... Terry Richardson? Yeah, he's putting on Terry Richardson shorts, bro. Those are, like, rapist photographers make you wear those. And the press... Literally, he's... Okay, we're looking at a picture where he's jogging with the army. Everyone has longer shorts in the army than him. Oh, my God. Except one woman.

Oh, wow. I'm not even going to lie. He had them things out. The gams. The gams were out. And they're not that good. They're not that good. But a president can't do that now. No. Remember Obama was hooping and tucked in long sleeves and long pants. We talk about old hoopers. He tucked in shirt, long Adidas pants. They couldn't even mic him up because you know he said nigga a couple times. Yeah.

You know he did. Oh, he had to. If I'm Obama, if I really want to throw off my opponent, I'm getting real street, real fast. There he is, right there, the third one. Yes, absolutely, that's true. And you know what he should do? Whisper it into a white guy's ear. Because he would never believe no one. Like, dude, Obama called me the N-word. No one is going to believe you, man. Wait, he called you a neoliberal? No, no, no. No. He called me the old N-word. You know the one we were calling him? He called me...

Classic stuff. Yeah. Oh, he's wearing some shorts in that one, I guess. But he's tucked. He's got lift. But he does have that old guy style where he lifts his knees up too much. He tucks his knees. Tons of mid-range jumpers. He's also coaching you. He's telling you. He's trying to set plays. You're like, this is so... This is pure iso ball. Okay, man. I don't care. Yeah, it's so funny. Yeah, I wonder...

I mean, it's funny because Obama, so, you know, the Clintons got up to whatever the fuck they were doing. But then Obama just was like, yeah, I'm going to go hang glide with a billionaire as soon as I get out of office. And then he just like started making documentaries. Like he started a production company. It's like, come on, man. That is the sad part about being a comedian. Because you know what happens? They go, oh, stop it. When you make it, you got to get a special. You got to get a TV show. You got to get a production company. And you go, oh.

has a production company why do I want a production company what do I gotta take a meeting with Obama what bitch by the way I will Michelle if you're listening uh madam first lady I love I love a general whatever whatever production company y'all got going on I have so many stories I wanna tell about being a queer person of color from the south there you go and how it's not a big deal to drone every once in a while

How it's okay to treat yourself to a droning from time to time. You can have a little cheat wedding explosion. When you're feeling good.

We're so fucked, man. It's hilarious. Yeah. They don't have the address here, right? No, no, no. We keep it moving. We're actually on a... This podcast happens on an 18-wheeler that's driving circles around Baltimore City. We constantly, you know, we're avoiding detection because our ideas are too dangerous.

Because our political commentary, the powers that be are scared of it. I was in Baltimore, and by that I mean I was on an Amtrak that was going back to New York from D.C. a couple weeks ago. Beautiful place. Love it, man. I love it. Love it. The two stops that we made, they seem nice. BWI and Baltimore Penn Station, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's great stuff. I mean, you grew up in, I would argue, a shittier place than Baltimore. Yeah, Mississippi? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We take the title. Mississippi, it was fun because you don't know anything else. So I'm just like a young little kid.

with my mom and my grandma and my siblings. And like when people, they'd be like, oh, in Mississippi crazy. I'd be like, there's a lot of grass. I don't know if it's crazy. But then you move or you go anyplace else and they tell you what they think of Mississippi and you go, oh, that's terrible. That's incredibly hurtful to me and my people. What? That's what y'all have been saying about us?

Yeah. So what was the setup? Just a big ass house? So it was like, it was a house. It was some country shit. So it was like a house that my granddad built and then like the house kind of like right next to it was where my great grandmother lived. So we kind of had like a little, like that corner of like the street was like our house, my great grandma's house, and then my

like cousin, like her, like, you know, when you have older cousins, but you just trim like ants like that. Like my aunt, like Linda, she had a house and her daughter. And so like, we were all there. I'm so with you because I don't know why American people, it's an American thing to call like your, I guess parents, uh,

Yeah. Or like your parents, like they're your second cousin. Yeah. When it's like, no, they're my aunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always found that weird. They become, they get placed in like auntie territory. Because Greek people call them, straight up call them aunt. Yeah. Like we have no, there's no difference. Like you have to go like three or four levels of family because like,

I don't know. I like Greek people, cousins. You're so close. Well, you grow up with cousins. Yeah. Cousins are like everyone getting the picture. All the cousins. Stop picking your nose. Yeah. Yeah. Taking the picture. Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. So basically you had like a little family compound. Yeah. It was, it was fun. I mean, like I, we had to go, I went to church, uh,

All the time Sundays Then twice on Sundays And then On Monday There was like this like Kind of like thing That they could like You could go play basketball At the church rec center And like get food And like They'd also like be like Oh there's stuff on Wednesday For the kids And my mom would go to Bible study on Wednesdays So like she was going to church a lot And then My mom was a teacher In kind of like A school district That was better than The one we lived in So she got us To go to that one with her Gotcha So I was always around her

Which was like nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, it makes you gay. I was going to say that. Yeah. Listen, moms, if you love your boys too much, it might make them queer. If you don't love your daughters enough, it will make them fun for men later on. It's a very, very delicate balance, you know? Yeah.

And then if you have moms that really love you, you need a dad that's sort of in the picture, that just takes enough of your self-esteem away. And then what you'll get is sensitive guys who still are technically straight. Yeah, yeah. Like me and Eldest. Yeah, the technical is doing a lot of lifting. Yeah.

Because it's just the equipment still works. Against all odds, we're straight. Even though we had moms who were the only people that loved us. Well, no, but that's also like a very non, well, this gets back to like, and you talk about it in your special a little bit. Being like folded into whiteness as Greek people is like jarring. Because like, you'll be like, I'm not white like y'all. I have a different Easter. I don't know what. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what kind of shit y'all are on. For sure. But we eating goat. So I don't know. Goat's great, by the way. We like lamb. Whatever. Lamb's awesome. Goat's great. Tuna? Whatever y'all are eating? Yeah. That ain't us.

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It feels a little different. Of course. And I think like growing up in Mississippi and then I went to Ole Miss for undergrad. I'm wearing camo right now. Just shout out to Mississippi. But this is also just how every queer person in Bushwood dresses. It's back.

It's like big pants gay guys are wearing now. You want to know what happened? Please. I shouldn't even tell you this. Thank you so much. Because we only talk about it at the meetings. I've literally been curious. So please tell me how it happened. Okay. We saw the power that lesbians were leveraging. Mmm.

And we realized... Smart. Queer men need to start dressing like lesbians. Guys, get it back, bitch. We're still misogynists. Just because we suck each other off. We were like, wait a second. These lesbians are looking mighty comfy.

We've been over here dressing tight. Fix it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we started every and clothing comes in cycles. Of course. But like queer men are dressing like they're in unions now. Right. And some like straight straight men, like especially UK straight men still wear like the skinny shit. Yeah. We look at them like we're like British. Yeah. If you're asking me, British straight guys are dressing Dominican now.

I don't know when that happened, but it's like British guys are like, boy, I'm going for a point. And they're like wearing a tight polo with jeggings and they look fucking Dominican. It's fucking crazy. You need to get to a T-Mobile, bro. God, can I get some more minutes on my phone? Yeah.

So like that's kind of like what's going on with like queer fashion. Also like 2000 stuff is like coming back hard. For sure. For sure. So like people are like really trying to figure it out. Like now like if you see a guy in like big pants, he's probably gay or just like fashionably

fashion aware. If you see a guy and we like tricked a lot of straight guys into wearing skinny jeans. We tricked, we made everyone like for 10 years it was like make your pants fit, make your pants fit. And the minute we got the last straight man in like a flyover state,

We were like, okay, is that everyone? They're out. You're right. It's call it. Call it. Yeah, you're right. You're right. It was like flyover state and then like literal bloods and crips. We're wearing the tightest jeans you've ever seen in your life. I've been to Atlanta. Stop. You're right. Little baby wore like the tightest jeans with like the chunkiest Balenciaga. And you're just playing...

Why does every man in Atlanta dress like an ant? Why are we doing this? I know. Yeah, I have to, I really, I just, I'd like a classic dress the same forever. You do something that I appreciate, which has cost

has caught on and more people need to know about it. Short sleeve button up. Yeah, yeah, sure. Comfortable pants. Comfy pants, bro. New balances. Yes. And that's like DMV shit, but also just like, once you're in your 30s, this isn't trendy. I'm going to be wearing these when they out. This is, absolutely. No. I know you think, oh, he's about to, nah, these staying. They're fully staying. It's the fat guy uniform of summertime, Hawaiians.

Hawaiians and like look there's a little maybe my pants will be this much tighter when it's cool for them to be tighter and maybe now I might start looking for a little bit of a looser head but we're talking like on the margins we're shifting and like you know maybe I'll try a different shoe but I doubt it because I have insoles now you know I need to wear a specific thing yeah yeah yeah I cut

I cut the dog's shoulders. I'm not taking him out and putting him in a fucking loafer. I'm wearing my newbies, baby. Yeah. I'm an advocate for finding your uniform. But then again, it has to be... It's a specific thing. You have to find your look and stick to it. And what's tough is that even if you find a new look, the first time your boys see you, it is... At one point...

At one point earlier this year, I tweeted out, happy coming out day to all of my queer siblings and any guy trying a new outfit for the first time in front of his friends. Because straight men, the minute you change one thing, they go, hey man, what's up? You know the country western Sula got it a couple times?

This motherfucker started coming out. And look, it's a good look. Yeah. But we had to shit on him for changing, you know, for. Yeah, you know, I had to get some wranglers on eBay for a few years. Yeah. Vintage wranglers. I had to get those pearl buttons going a little bit. But, you know, you know why it works? You're like a taller dude.

Women now, they've been watching a lot of Yellowstone. Dude, who do you think, you think it was his idea or his wife's to dress that way? It was never, the shift did not happen because of Elvis. Women, straight girls, they will, what happens is they'll watch a man on TV and they'll like start sweating

squirming on the couch. They'll be like, what's going on? They'll be like, hey, honey, you need to start looking like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So whenever I close my eyes, it's not that big of a jump. Yeah, dude. And they did love Yellowstone. I still need to get me a cowboy hat. That's true. I mean, a real cowboy hat,

I know. That's some coin. That's some money. I was in Jackson Hole. The good sturdy ones are crazy. They're like a few hundred. Yeah, dude. And people will be like, oh, I have a couple different colors. I'll be like, just for a cowboy? You can't even wear that inside. Not if you're a gentleman. Yeah. That's right. You gotta take that out every time a lady comes by. Elvis is a fucking ruffian. He doesn't care. Oh, yeah. You coming into town, guns a-blazing. Yeah, dude. He's never taken off his black hat. Hmm.

Yeah, I guess I always do think of Mississippi as fully like barefoot. You're wearing a fucking canvas, you know what I mean, with a rope belt. Hey, in some parts of the Delta, you're not wrong. I mean, it's wild because there are parts of it that are so destitute that they'll be like, oh my gosh.

God answered our prayers. We're finally getting a dollar general. And they'll be like, you'll be like, what? You know you can't buy anything fresh there. They'll be like, they got Vienna sausages. They're good until the expiration date. The fresh canned stuff.

You don't get it after it's been through everything. You don't have to take a layer of dust away from it. When you go to your grocery store and the canned goods expire that same year, you can't be in that grocery store anymore. That means they got them already.

A few years ago. Oh, yeah. They've been through the ringer a couple times for sure. Yeah, so, I mean, grew up in Mississippi. I went to high school there. My high school, it was, like, 80% black and then, like, 20% cool white kids. Because, like, you...

When you're like a white kid that goes to a school like in Jackson, which is a capital, if you're in public school, by the time you get to high school, your parents are like, nah, they can take it. No, dude, fully. Baltimore. Everyone, like they had so many Greek kids went to Cali.

Catholic school. Which we are not Catholic. Not at all. Because they were like, well. There was literally a war where the churches were like, that ain't the shit we're on. There's an ecumenical schism that their parents decided to ignore just so they wouldn't be around black kids. Like that was literally like we grew up around so many people that were like, well.

we gotta send our kids to private school but we went to public I mean and you'd see them go broke this happens in Louisiana and Alabama and Mississippi you'd see like these like lower middle class white families go broke having to send their kids to like private school all throughout like from middle school through high school and they'd be like yeah we're just you're taking out loans yeah it's crazy to like you got tuition before you even got actual tuition because it's like no we can't and so then like so the white kids who were at our public school they were like cool white

kids but we didn't have we didn't even I think we maybe had like two wiggers sure sure oh there was no shortage of them in Baltimore are you wearing okay a do-rag okay yeah you

Knowing I didn't have the word for code switching, but you better believe we knew a lot of experts in code switching. We would just make fun of them. It's like, come on, just talk how you talk, man. Talk how you talk the whole time. My first thoughts about Baltimore, my first viewings of Baltimore were like just too,

so it was like it was the ravens like ray lewis air ravens and then because i was a theater kid hairspray yeah so not john waters in general but hairspray specifically right musical so there was a part of me that like whenever my first interactions or the first viewings of baltimore were like that like basically the ravens and like a musical about racism i was like so baltimore

It's kind of like Mississippi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But with crabs. No, you know what? Yeah, sort of like musical racism is kind of really on the nose. Where it's like, yeah, you know, the hero is a non-racist, but there's plenty of racists there. You know what I mean? Hero, fat girl. Hero, fat, non-racist. Hero, fat girl. Well, that does bring a whole thing. Maybe she had some ulterior motives to wanting black guys in more white spaces. But it's...

But she, Trace, if you don't know the story of Hairspray, Tracey ends up with, like, the popular, like, conventionally attractive white kid, Link. So, I mean, and drag. So I was like, what is this place? Hairspray's awesome. What's this mythical place of Baltimore where, like, you can be, like, a mom in drag and have your fat daughter dancing on TV? What is going on? Well, that is, I mean, the divine character. That makeup was not...

came out of thin air. Like, plenty of old, like, plenty of old white trash, like, does have that, like, that hairdo, like the beehive shit. Like, we missed a lot of it because we were, you know, I was in fucking Greek town. It was like,

Not quite. Look up the beehive. More like what Ricky Lake had going on. The Baltimore shit. But it's like, yeah, they were not. Yeah. They had that going like the. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Baltimore's a very. I do like. I thought Harrisburg was great, obviously. I have to say that. But it's like.

Because it is a weird city. Yeah. Like, it's bizarre. And it's like, obviously John Waters is an insanely... You know, he's a very... His shit is strange as fuck. Yeah. Like, when he really goes off the deep end. But he's trying to make a conventional-ass movie there. But I like it because it does...

Like, Baltimore is strange. It is kind of artsy. It is, like, a little fucking weird. And so that's a much better... If you watch that and The Wire, you'll probably get it. You know what I mean? Well, because for years... And it's kind of like... I mean, I think it's kind of hacked now. Whenever people only know about The Wire, I kind of want to be like, yeah, but I mean, like, that's like only knowing about Oz.

on HBO. You're watching the worst version of something. So I think that whenever people talk about Baltimore now, I'm glad you brought up the art scene and even the fact that it's mid-Atlantic, but it's so many different cultures coming together. People shit on Baltimore kind of the same way they shit on Mississippi. It's really large. It's always these people from other places that are like, can you believe that people have to live like that? And it's like, yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah.

No, I do. I mean, it is. I do love it, but it's like I don't want to fucking live there anymore, obviously. I think you probably feel the same way about Mississippi. There's no clear path to do a bunch of stand-up in Mississippi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Or other art shit, right? I mean, maybe. Maybe you could do some murals. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. You're going to be able to draw a bunch of people. Yeah, yeah. So I moved. I went to school for theater, then I went to grad school, and then I moved here. So that was kind of it. I went to grad school in Alabama. Oh, yeah. Yeah, which was like. That's awesome to go from Mississippi to Alabama. Yeah, sometimes you get to go from 51 to 49. Sometimes you get to skip West Virginia. Oh, my God. Holy.

Holy shit It's incredible here There were moments When I was in Alabama I was like They have this though Yeah Yeah I was there Paying me So when you're A grad student Right It's like my job To make these Like straight Undergrad kids Like excited about Theater on Friday Before an SEC Home opening On Saturday I'm like

God, what am I going to do? So like, even during the humor section or the comedy section of our like lecture series, I'd be like, you know what? You know what's, you know what is part of theater? Stand up and sketch. Nice. So let's just watch King of Peel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to watch old Chappelle's sketches? Do you want to watch Wanda Sykes clips with me? And so the kids, like the students were like, yes. One of my, one of my, one of my like advisors, she was like, you have such a way with the students. I was like, I just be watching videos. Yeah.

I know you think there's more to it, but we're laughing together because neither one of us are doing shit. I'm letting them pregame. Yeah, yeah. They came to class on a Friday. That's a win. That's huge for sure. But so I just want, real quick, so you're hanging out and like, what's the family, since you're around everybody, is it just kind of like...

Everybody's going to everybody's house. It's you, your mom, you have siblings. I have a younger sister, younger brother. My younger sister, she's like in Toledo, Ohio right now. My brother, he's a truck driver, still lives in Mississippi. Shout out to Camo. He's a truck driver, still lives in Mississippi. He has two kids, my niece and my nephew. So like we grew up, it was all three of us because we were pretty close in age. And so like see my grandma every day. My grandma would cook.

My mom would be there. I'd see my cousin every day. I'd see my great-grandma every day until she passed away. So, like, I was always around all of them. So there was never, like, when you have that many people, sometimes people are like, oh, why don't you have friends over? It's like, there's enough people over here. There's more than enough people over here. My mom would sometimes say stuff, like, because people would want to have, like, sleepovers and stuff. And my mom would be like...

Do you want to go over there? I'd be like, not really. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And plus, like, when you're, I don't know, the way I was set up as a kid, like, whenever you go to someone's house, you know that feeling after you eat and after you watch a movie and after you, like, play, like, N64, where you're like, man, I kind of want to go home. I could go home now. You're like, I'm good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have to figure out how y'all shower works. Right. I don't, I'm good.

I'm kind of scared of your dad. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know, man. Yeah. He been farting a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because when you're younger and you go over some people's houses, like, everything... You know the way the rugrats would heighten everything? Yes, yeah, of course. That's how it feels when you're, like, 10 at someone else's house. You're like, just go in that room. You're like, absolutely not. Yeah. Something fucked up's happening. Your grandma's in there? No. I don't want to get in there. Yeah. We never... I think we, like...

Our parents, my parents were very weird about, did you ever sleep over anybody's house? Yeah, I had some friends when we moved to the county that I would go over there. I remember, like, they were, I mean, they just lived kind of like, you know, I don't want to say hickish or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You say it? Yeah. We're establishing it. Yeah, it was like, you know, middle of the woods, big trampoline and a bunch of car shit everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to, like. Hey, there's a trampoline outside. Yeah. Let's not. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, I remember I would go over there and sleep over, and they had, like, such an aggressive dog that would just, like, go ape shit on everyone except, like, the mom, the dad, and my friend. And I had to, like, go outside, wait on the front porch for them to bring him in. To, like, calm him down? No, for them to, like, bring him in and feed him. Oh, my gosh. And then they, like, put him back outside after dinner. That's insane. And then, like, we'd have to wait outside for them to, like, take him to the bedroom for bed. We had a kid like that.

The town mongoloid.

That's something that like also Once again stuff is so generational Like before people Knew to train dogs And before everyone had a camera on their phone To be like this is how you train a dog You remember people would just have like horrible dogs They'd be like oh that dog My dog he's bad We having people come over We shouldn't Like I had friends like that they'd be like Yeah don't go out there

Don't even look at my dog. Why is the dog here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's true. I mean, my parents were so scared of us sleeping over that I'm like, did I get molested and forget? I really think that sometimes because they were that scared where they were like, like they wouldn't let me sleep at Elvis's house. I mean, eventually when we were like almost in high school anyway, I feel like we had a couple of sleepovers, but it's like I couldn't sleep over at my best friend's house. A couple of times they let people sleep over at our houses. So I'm like, shh,

Straight up And then I'm like Did my dad get molested And that's why he's like this You know what I mean Like Cause like He was so He was not like a good dad But he was so I mean he was He was okay But he was so scared To let us like Stay anywhere overnight Where I'm like Did some old Greek guy In the 60s In the 50s Just you know Watch him A little too often You know what I mean The term is pederasty Yeah

It was an apprenticeship where you learn. Yeah, my dad did. That is, okay, hold on. My dad dropped out of high school at 14 and was an apprentice to a woodworker. Did he go real Socratic method with it?

That's the Socratic method. It's teaching a kid a trade and sucking him off. God. So that's it. So I have a lot of... Because they were so scared of us, like, of sleeping over. And it was mostly my dad, like, which is very interesting. I'm like, did something fucked up happen? I mean, there's also a little part of it that is, like, just, like...

Part of American culture is like sleepovers, movies, the mall. And like sometimes like immigrant parents and parents who don't want to like deal with that shit. They're like, we're not doing that weird ass American shit. No, that's a good point. Because that's how you get spoiled ass, entitled American ass kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who like don't take care of you when you're older. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, you know. Yeah, coin flip. It's the fourth quarter. Time to make a comeback. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Oh, and those older people, they're like, you know what? You don't take care of me? You don't have a country now. Yeah. Talking about that incredible deal for wireless has made me really work up an appetite, folks. But I don't want to cook. I want delicious, nutritious meals ready to go in my kitchen right now. Holy shit, lucky for me, I got factor meals in my fridge as we speak.

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Interesting. I love the idea of like, that is very interesting. Your brother being just a, staying, being a truck driver with kids and you're a fucking, you're a gay dude in an interracial relationship in Harlem. It's like, it doesn't get much like. He came to the wedding and I was like, he came to my wedding which was like almost two years ago. Brought my niece and my nephew, brought his wife. I love Mark so much but I was like, it's kind of different.

kind of different, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, yeah? I was like, oh, you were drunk. That was a good time. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I had such a good time. But he's like, he's, I mean, he was always super supportive. I came out, I came out to him, I want to say, I was like around 20. And so he's still younger and like could have been on like some bullshit. Right. But like his wife does hair. So he has so many gay people around him anyway that like, he really, he truly didn't care because like at that point, I think he was like just so focused on

On getting pussy And it's like

Yeah, so you were 20 when you came out to him, and how old was he? So he would have been 17. Oh, 17, you could tell him anything. Yeah, you could be like, hey, Mark, I like guys. He's like, well, I don't. Anyway, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he took... My sister, she was, like, super supportive. My mom... My mom was, like, so chill. I didn't... Interesting. Churchy as hell and still supportive. Here's what happens. So the story isn't nearly interesting enough when you come out and nothing... And, like, that doesn't happen. Totally. So, like...

My big struggle is I was like, oh, like, I don't know if people are going to accept it. And you build up this like-- You're like, how the hell am I going to be accepted in my theater graduate program as a homosexual?

And so then, so like what happened is I came out and like, I was like, I didn't, I had my first boyfriend at Ole Miss and like, what's wild is that like, he was like a secret boyfriend because like, there was this one guy who like, we made out in his car and he's like, this like, super like, kind of like, just like, very femme guy and we like, made out and I was like, probably shouldn't, probably shouldn't tell anyone and he was like, no, I won't tell anyone and I was like,

You're gonna tell everybody Just because I was like Yes He just seems like a gossip Well just because like The minute you tell Hey don't tell anyone And you see someone be like Oh I Yeah yeah You see them Not even think about it For a second You go oh Everyone's gonna know So then I came out And then I had like

My first boyfriend Who was like in a frat And like he was like He wasn't He wasn't super Like Bro-y But he was like If you look at certain people You can be like There's something There Sure Because he just wasn't With the frat shit The way his homeboys were Sure And then After

After him, I was still hooking up with girls. Which I respect, by the way. Listen. There's not enough bi. We get plenty of bi girls who end up with straight men. Who are mostly, you know what I mean? It's like 75-25. Bi doesn't have to be 50-50. Gay guys can get a little pussy too. Listen. I still...

Identifies by only because, like, you know that one, like, that one, like, gif of Russell Westbrook eating something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me with pussy. Just like, just a... Hmm. Interesting. A little pussy every once in a while. Jay, wait until July. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, man. No pussy till Pride's over. Come on.

Take a, take shit, you know, get all the glitter out of your hair and then get a little pussy. I thought you said gender was a spectrum. You don't know. Excuse me. They're they, them. It's still gay sex if they're they, them. It's also funny because like now a lot of the times that like, like straight dudes will be like super cool with gay guys. You'll be like, man,

man, do you understand that this was so many queer men's fear? They'd lose all their straight friends. Every straight boy would be an asshole to them. And so now, because straight dudes are so cool with gay guys, there's this pushback. Some of them are like, I don't want any straight friends. I'm like, nah, you got to deal with these dudes now. These guys know about your music taste and they're coming to your club. Deal with it. Deal with it. Yeah, well, that makes sense, the pushback. I mean, I think we're once...

And I think it's probably happening in schools now where it's like, at least it was happening when I was like a tutor. I think we're poised for gay bullies now. Oh, yeah. Like it's the era of gay bullies. They're there. Yeah. They're here already. Yeah. This is what they'll do. So they'll like find just one thing. They'll be like, ugh.

you don't know your queer history. You'll be like, oh no! God! What? God! They'll be like, you're being a pick-me-for-the-straight. You'll be like, God! It's coming from my own folks. It hurts the most. You'll be like, oh, you know, I'm going out. You'll wear Crocs somewhere. Not Crocs, because Crocs are pretty gay. But you'll wear something and they'll be like...

You're so you want to look straight so bad. No, I just didn't know I was going to see gay people today. I promise. I would have looked so much better. Please. Please. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, the pressure to be a fashionable gay guy. Oh, yeah. But now, like, I think sometimes you'll see, like, you'll see some gay dudes now that dress so dog shit. I mean, and even, like, they'll dress, like, horrible in, like, a kind of trendy way. And then, like, there's the opposite where, like, a lot of D.C. gays are so kind of behind the times but also so job oriented. You'll be like, you're gay wearing Allbirds? Ha ha ha!

Honestly. We got some H&M gay guys here. That might be worse than anything else. Oh, yeah. But that makes sense. DC is just corny in general. They have the corniest people of all time. The DC gays, they turn out for the shows, but they have, when I say that they have some of the most middle management jobs. Everyone feels like a middle manager. They're like, well, no, I don't actually make the missiles. I just create the copy.

that we put on the email. DC is evil because it's like everyone, it's like a big laundering system for unspeakable evils. Like I had years ago in DC, I was at the improv and I was talking to a guy who was like, he was like, oh yeah, I'm a metal guy.

and it's like, who are your big guys? She's like, oh, you know, businesses, the government. It's like, hmm, what's the government doing with hundreds of tons of metal? I think they got an art installation. Yeah, yeah.

What do you think they're doing? And it's just like so many people could just be like, oh, you know, this plausible deniability of like I'm not part of some horrific machine. There's truly a guy who's like, no, I just like create code for video games. And it's like, no, no, no, you're making drones. You don't know you're making drones because you just think you're like programming Call of Duty shit. But like it's true. You're like putting people in the simulation to blow up places. Yeah, no, it fucking sucks. But yeah.

Yeah. I mean, listen, I still, I still like, I still like going to DC. So, so the shows are good. And I spent, I spent a lot of my youth at open mics in DC. So it'll forever just go into Baltimore and DC. So it'll forever have like a, a nice little place in my heart. It's a good mix too, because DC, this is what you get. You get like rich people, middle-class people, poor people, black people, white people, Asian people. Like,

every other demographic and you also get like smart people and dumb people yeah so like sometimes a DC crowd is a much better cross-section of America for sure like a New York crowd or like a lay crowd cuz you'll be like nah this is like actually because even in DC you'll be surprised the people who are like kind of sinner right so you'd be like oh you're way more you're way

more conservative than I thought but like you're fun because you know you're outnumbered yeah yeah yeah whereas like in New York and LA sometimes like people will just get on stage and be like socialism for all and you'll be like yeah but write a joke baby yeah totally we agree we're on the same page that's not what we're doing here yeah

I agree, dude. 100%. No, I love that about D.C. too because it's like, yes, you obviously have all those corny motherfuckers, but it's also like, you know, I wasn't used to middle management ass uptight because Baltimore, honestly, I grew up with a lot of white trash. Yeah, yeah. And I grew up with a lot of like... I've seen the videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of poor black... That's the other thing. You go to D.C. and it's like you encounter brunch...

Howard black guys. You know what I mean? You encounter like the girls with the fucking, with the fucking, you know, Quaker Oats hat. You know what I'm saying? Like, like I, that's the thing. It's like everyone in Baltimore, black or white was kind of trash. Meeting the brunch blacks is always, whenever white people see brunchy blacks, they go, well, wait a minute. What the hell's going on over here? Things have shifted.

Because I would do brunch shows. I would do shows everywhere. There was just so many. That's where I met Paris. Yeah, Paris Hachette. Paris and Rollo was doing those. I don't know if you know Rollo. He's the man. But he would put on those shows at U Street where it was just a bunch of Howard brunch blocks. And it was fun. It was a different... And the craziest thing is that on Sunday in D.C. New York...

Has a brunch culture. D.C. is brunch culture. It's insane how much they love it. It's the only thing people do on Sunday afternoon. Another thing. More proof that it's a corny-ass city.

It's that built around brunch. Yeah, you'd be like, is everyone just, oh, okay. Yeah, I was just at the DC Improv. And the wildest thing about that specific location is like everything is so close to the Capitol. And the way that you don't think about it, you go, oh, that's probably somewhere down there. You'd be like, oh, no, it's like right here? Totally right there. Oh, it kind of makes you go, I see.

how they pulled off January 6th. I don't agree with it. It's close. But it's like, when you see it, you go, yeah, I can jump that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can climb that. You see why they were thinking that. Maybe that's why there's so many middle management people around D.C. It's like, those people are never storming anything. That's why everybody who stormed had to catch a couple fucking flights to do it. They keep the stormers away.

That's awesome though, dude. Yeah, no, shout out to DC. Sorry we disparaged your city. So you just went straight from the south to New York. You've been here the whole time. Yeah, I've been here the whole time. I knew I was going to probably end up in a bigger market. And so what happens is I sold my car. And when you sell your car, you kind of decide that it's New York. Yeah, true, true, true. Because you sell your car and you get some money and then you go, wait a minute.

Oh. Yeah. Not L.A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Burn the ships. Yeah, yeah. Sail and burn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't go back. Yeah. So I came to New York in 2015. I moved to Park Slope. I got scammed the minute I got home.

To LaGuardia. I fell over like the oldest scam. I fell over the taxi scam. Oh, classic. You know, you don't know. So like the black taxi scam and to like big, like big, like big truck. And then like they make you pay in cash. If you don't have cash, they'll drive you to ATM and like harass you until you get the money out.

So probably it was charged like double. They overcharge you for sure. And think about double from LaGuardia to Park Slope. Brutal stuff. I think I was out of like $200 like that. Easy, easy. Just the minute, the first hour in the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like negative funds. Negative 200. And so I was there. I got a job at the gayest gym in the city, David Barton. Hell yeah. On Astor Place. Love it. I always say that place was in the gym as much as it was a sex club with some ellipticals.

Those steam rooms were probably tough to clean. They were. I would not want to squeegee those fucking steam rooms. I was a trainer, but the staff, every now and then the staff would just be like, I'm coming in. Hey, we're about to come in. Everyone, just so you know, I'm coming in.

We had a guy pass out in the steam room. What happened is he was going in and out of the steam room for like way too long. And people, gay men are Pepe Le Pew level horny in New York City. He didn't know he was like cooking his brain by like being in the steam room for too long. Like just becoming like a dumpling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He, like, passed out. And, like, it was, like, one of those situations where he passed out his head. We had to call the fire department. Oh, wow. EMTs have to pick him up. All the firemen were sexy. They started giving each other head. All the firemen had just straps and pants, you know? He, like, passes out in the joke.

I love the idea of just sending like hunky gay versions of everything when the gay people call the police. Me and all the trainers like, I'm about to pass out too. He passed out. They got to carry him out. The joke I made, I was like, what are we going to tell his wife? Anderson Cooper worked out that gym. Love it.

Like, ooh, this guy who, like, actually worked for Donald Trump, who was, like, a gay guy who loved being gay but also loved working for Donald Trump because gay men can be anything including evil. Absolutely. He, like, had me as his trainer, and he would, like, always say stuff. I'd be like, you, this, I was, because it was just fascinating.

fascinating that like Donald Trump was paying me sure yeah yeah and this before he was even like a political figure this was like so early on so this was 2015 this is right when he was like ramping up you're right cuz I remember I remember I worked at a paint store in Baltimore yeah right before I moved and the painters that's what I should have known when the white trash contractors were like he's a businessman

He's going to turn it all around. And I'm like, you fucking morons. You're like, did you say Slate Gray? So like that, like Donald Trump, the guy who worked for him was like paying me and another trainer. And he was so gay, like just like a gay dude in New York City. I think I like worked with Donald Trump for a number of years. I'm like the Miss Slate.

USA pageant. Hell yeah. And so like, I was like, man, this is a wild, I was like, do you actually think he's going to win? He was like, I think he has a chance. I was like, man, you're crazy. Right. Cut to me being like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, wow. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Was he a good, was he a good client? No, he was terrible. He was, he,

was just he was just an old man who just was horny all the time in the gym and like I was like a young fun to talk to trainer I got I had a lot of rapport because I was not a good trainer people

People forget that like... Yeah, you went to school for theater. Yeah, exactly. You were just ripped. They're like, you need to be a trainer. And you take the exam and then people are like, oh man, you interview so well. I was like, yeah, I would love... Listen, we're going to have a plan. We're going to get involved. I'm giving like all the shit. The first, like my first month there, like in my sessions with my clients, I'd be like, girl, what you want to do today?

Yeah. Like, we wouldn't be doing it. We'd be catching up. I had one client who worked for a big bank. And he was like, he made a lot of money. And he also was like, when I say he would come back with, like, the wildest story. Like, I mean, like, full-on crazy, wild.

orgy stories. This is 10 a.m. So I'm like there. I'm like, keep going. Let's talk. What? This is insane. To be a rich gay

Gay guy in lower Manhattan. Yeah. Beautiful stuff. Oh, my. You can probably do whatever your sexual desire is, no matter how base, you can find it. Easy. This is the place. This is the place. Listen, I never had Nepalese food until I moved. Yeah.

To New York. You think if we can get food from Nepal, we can't find you like a gimp? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. We're bringing dumplings from Mount Everest. We can do whatever, we can put whatever you want on your ass, buddy. Oh, I love it. Folks, I'm working really hard on the Stabby Baby 2025 calendar. I think you're all going to love it. And pretty soon when those bad boys are printed up, here's the sound I'll be hearing.

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Well, Jay, listen, man. You have quite the expertise here. You've lived a life. I think you're ready to help our people here with some fucking... I would love to. ...some advice. And by the way, anything you want to plug here at the Midway Point? Like we said, we have no idea when this comes out. Yeah. We're just trying to get ahead for the summer. Oh, I'm on tour. You can find me, Jay Jordan, on Instagram.

and on all the other platforms. We can also post some stuff on the podcast beforehand, so we'll put it in our stories or something. But yeah, find Jay. He's hilarious, obviously. It's a great episode, but see his stand-up. Go see him live. And yeah, let's take some calls here, Eld. Hey, Savi. Love you, baby. Long time, first time. You know what the deal is. Of course. Calling because I don't have that big of a problem. I actually have no problem with calls.

Not no problem, but... fucking trivial problem compared to the shit I hear on the front. Okay. But I've been in a relationship now for like a year and a half. Things are going great. We're already planning marriage and shit. We're in a more financially stable place. Everything's going perfectly well on that front. Okay. My only problem is we got into this relationship like a couple months after like...

Let's just say I was finally fucking for the first time regularly. I mean, I've been getting like into relationships for about four years, like in and out. But then for about four months, five months in 2022, going into early 2023, I was finally like hooking up with people and it was fucking great. Like,

So I was getting to fuck guys, girls, trans people. It was fucking awesome. Sounds fun. Now I'm really happy, but I'm just not like bored, but just wondering like, man, how the fuck am I going to go with only like only this pussy for the rest of my life? You mean your wife? Your fiance? I also love you, boy. Did he say how old he is, Eldest?

He didn't say how old he is. He said they've been together a year and a half. And he says they're like planning marriage for when they're like in a financially stable place. So that's pretty nebulous. Okay. Yeah. This could just be doomed, right? If he's like talking about... Basically what he means is he finally actually likes someone he's dating. That's what this is, right? And like unfortunately, we'd all like to think when we... We like to think that...

It's only when we finally find someone that, oh, of course we're going to get married. That's not necessarily how life works. Sometimes one of us is diabolically horny and will ruin it that way. I've been in those situations where I fucked up relationships with somebody I clicked with.

because I was like, you know, whatever. Didn't want to be, whatever. I was just wrong about where I was in life. So that's one aspect. The bi aspect is also something that this could be something you and your girl explore together. Sure. And you just be that couple with lizards and swords. We all know.

We know what these couples look like. Yeah. We've gotten many a message on field. Sure. Lift up some chain mail and suck some tits. Would that be the worst thing in the world? Yeah. So, I mean, also, I think that you talking about you being bi, that's kind of to the left of this. Mm-hmm.

Are you open or not? That's different than being bi. Because, yes, so that's a huge thing. I guess there's actually three things. There's a bi thing, but then there's also the fundamental thing of every, I would say men, but probably women too. Let's not be, you know, sex about it. Definitely dudes, though. It's a classic thing of being like, holy shit.

Especially when you finally feel confident. You're like, that is that there is something, there is a sacrifice to be made in that. Yeah, that's part of settling down. For most people, right? Some people can be open, whatever. But it's like, the vast majority of people are just going to be like, I love this person enough where I want them in my life forever. And like, I don't want to fuck any other people. And that can be scary. Yeah, of course. Everyone, everyone's like, damn, I would have liked...

to do this thing that I didn't get to do, right? And that's what birthdays are for. Why aren't you thinking that you get one? Every 365, you get one. That seems fair. That seems very fair. As a horny bisexual who's now married, why don't you just actually, I don't know why I'm even talking. Yeah. I mean, but also... First of all, I need to see a pit. Yeah.

Secondly, I would say that like discuss these feelings with your fiance or I guess your long-time girlfriend. Talk about this with her. Maybe don't say, I'm going to be stuck with this pussy the rest of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe say something like, hey, I'm making sure that we're committed to each other. And also have a bunch of threesomes while you're engaged. Yeah.

So that you guys aren't like messing things up too bad. Right, right. Like you seem like a fun dude. You also understand you. He like understood. He was like, this is trivial compared to some of the stuff people call him. Right, right, right. Like, you know, he understands this isn't like stressful or anything. He's just kind of curious. Yeah. So I say like have a conversation. You seem if you're mature enough to admit you're bi, you should at least be able to talk to your girlfriend about being like, hey,

I'm feeling a bit sexually stifled. How do we fix this? And the bi thing does give him a bit of an out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if he was just as straight guy, he's like, I want to fuck other girls. Yeah, yeah. There's really no discussion. Yeah, yeah. But if you want to fuck other guys. You want to suck a little dick every once in a while. Yeah, yeah. And if she says no, homophobic. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to hit her with that, my man. You got to hit her with that. You got to, dude. You got to write beautiful logic trap you can put her into. Yeah, you're kind of playing with Hal's money because you're going to have fun. I think, I don't know, let her peg you. Sure. Has he done that yet? Who knows? And I mean, I think, unfortunately, like I know, it boils down to three things, right? It's either...

This is the thing everybody deals with when it comes to settling down. You have to just get over it like everybody does. Sure, people want to fuck other people, but other things are more important than that. That's one. Two is what Jay's talking about, which is like, look, let's be modern about this. Have a discussion. And look, maybe you have a discussion and she's like...

Absolutely not. That's not my style at all. Maybe she's like, maybe we can experiment together. Maybe she's like, we can be a little open if that's even what you want. Cause we don't know if he, all he said is he wants to fuck other people. If he pulls the leg, but of course I don't want anybody. Uh,

ruining my pussy. That's a big issue, right? But anyway, there's either just get over it and open or there's honestly the third route. I know this is kind of reductive here, but these three things are or maybe you are a little immature and you do really like her, but you guys are, all you're talking about is you've been dating a year and a half and you have plans to someday get married depending on finances. It's like, look, man, I've seen how things are trending for...

for this generation, the finances ain't getting there, brother. All right? If that's the thing that's going to stop you, you know. So you might just not be ready for it, right? So you have to search your feelings and think about which one you are. And I would like to think, now, the second path is a slippery one, though. Because some people just aren't into it. Yeah, but you also get to discover that. If you think, oh, I can handle being open, whatever.

When you're next to someone really putting in that work, if you start to go, maybe I'm not into this, or maybe you're like super into it. So this could be a burgeoning film career. Sure, sure, sure, sure. You could become a cinematographer. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only way Gen Z is going to make money is through sex work, by the way. So maybe. Yep. Videotape your girl getting just absolutely pounded. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, this is a classic dilemma and you just have to really search yourself and figure out where you fall. And look, yeah, man, sometimes there are your glory days, but it's the same like anything. It's like, it was cool. Like, for example, it's cool to think about when you played high school football. Yeah, yeah. It's not cool to be...

a 30-year-old man playing high school football. You know what I mean? You don't want to be 30 in pads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool. You know, you had your glory days. You can think about them fondly. You think Stavi don't want to go back and play middle school basketball? Dude, right now, I'm the same height. I'm the same height, but I have more wile and cunning. I would school those 13-year-olds, but I can't. It would look very weird. Oh!

God, great. I mean. Good luck, brother. Great, great, like, voicemail. And you seem so cool. Like, just know that, like, you got a couple things you got to reassess with, like, your lady. Yeah, for sure. This seems fun. This seems light. You're in a good spot. And send pics. Yeah. What else we got, Eld? Stavros, precious man. Hello, Eldest. Hello, guest. I have a question that relates to.

to practicality and morality. Interesting. Which is this. I don't know if I'm getting something like addicted to sex workers. Okay. That's probably extreme, but I've been seeing a lot of sex workers recently and it's funny because I'm, um,

I've been told I'm attracted to... Well, by them. They also say you're very strong. And that your dick is big. Is this a 2019 camera? Wait a minute. The waitress thinks I'm really funny. All right, go ahead, Elders. I'm...

I've been told I'm an attractive dude and I have something going on well for myself and then some big old dips in my self-esteem and shit. But I can afford it financially and I don't know if there's some kind of Christian bullshit in me that says it's bad to see sex workers and that's why I'm worried about it or if there is some actual...

Peril in the long run like you get hooked on it and then don't get off the boat But again, especially if you can afford it no problem Then you're almost any tricking if you can't really Locked into thing and so I don't know what you take on seeing ladies of the night Oh pro

It's awesome. We're hugely pro-ho around here. We're pro-ho. We're hugely pro-sex work. Pro-sex work. But still. Are you, I want to hear about what his relationships outside of these interactions are. Yeah, because here's the thing, man. There's nothing wrong with it. I really, truly, and we're joking around, but I really don't believe there's anything wrong with it. But, like, I was addicted to ice cream.

You know what I mean? Like, that's, you buy it in a grocery store, there's nothing wrong with selling it, there's nothing wrong with buying it. But it was ruining my life. And you can certainly get addicted to pussy. You can certainly get addicted to buying pussy. Right? So it's just, it's just case by case basis. Cy Rose was freebasing Turkey Hill. Bro.

We've talked about it. It's a theme on this show. Ben and Jerry's was a real problem for both me and Eldest in this very apartment. It ruined years of my life. Like literally, dude, I think about that. I wasn't even that fat then. What if I just didn't eat that much ice cream? I might have never gotten this fat. I'm going to just stay it anyway. It's fine.

But so that's the thing. It's like, yes. What are the, what are the like, are you, is it fucking up your relationship? It's any time that you have a, he says he has dips in self-esteem. Are you creating some kind of fucked up reward mechanism where, oh, I'm having a bad day. Time to spend $400 on top shelf head. You know what I mean? Like, and then you're kind of Pavlov's dog with like bad shit happens or even in your dating life. Let's say a girl dumps you. Like, I would say like,

Treat it like any kind of splurge and having a fun time where it's like gambling is a great example, right? You want to gamble every, you want to go to a casino every fucking four months, have a fucking blowout. Yeah. You'll lose a couple grand, whatever, but you had a great time. That's fine. That's fine. Gambling every fucking day, you know, going from nice casinos to back alley dice games. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Where they don't test anybody. You know what I mean? Like, that's where it starts to be a problem. So it's like, treat it like a fucking fun little splurge, I would say. And have friendships. Have relationships with people outside. We didn't hear... You kind of... He talked about...

being told he's attractive and he's funny, but then he dips in self-esteem. You kind of need to be engaging with other people who aren't involved in this, a transactional relationship with you. So you, I mean, if it's just like having friends doing anything other than going to see a sex worker to make you feel better, that's going to a movie. That's going to, that's like,

Literally anything else And can we work on These self esteem dips Right Cause like I've definitely Like I said Lots of I've abused Substances You know Drugs Food Sex Whatever it is Like when I'm feeling low Anything You can get caught Into a fucked up little cycle And this is certainly One of those things So it's like

You got to get out of that little cycle. Yeah. Because are you breaking plans to do this? Right. Are you like changing the path of your day? Are you leaving work a little early? Right. Like that's when it starts to get into like, oh, this is like territory I'm not comfortable. And if you called and had the question...

Yeah. It's very telling. I think there's something definitely possible there. It's like, yeah. I don't think it's puritanical bullshit to be like, well, I... He says it's not a problem you can afford. It's like, yeah, but like, you know, you could... Are you affording...

500 bucks every once in a while, you're affording, you're like, well, $7,000. Technically, I can make rent. Like, there's levels of affording it, brother. Like, are you treating it like it's like chemo medicine your insurance won't cover anymore? You're like, well, I will make ends meet to go buy pussy. So that's what I'm saying. It's like, there's different levels of affording it. Are you putting some of these girls through school? Yeah. Yeah.

At that point, you're a benefactor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're an angel investor. Yeah, which is good. Good for you. But yeah, again, that's the thing. And you know this is a no-judgment zone. So you know you're not getting any Christian bullshit, any judgment out of us. It's post-pandemic. Everyone in here knows a girl who bought a pair of scrubs online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she wanted to make some money. Like, it's not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we...

And these, we're not like grandparents. We don't care. But like, you know, you have to have a life outside of hooking up with sex workers. Of course. For sure. But yeah, dude. So, yeah. Search yourself. Search your feelings. Let us know how it's going. Send pics. Send pics. Yeah. Who are these? What city are you in? Who are these girls? Yeah. Yeah.

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What?

For years? Many, many, many years. Probably like eight years. What? We've gotten into a lot of tits about this. Probably one of the first things I noticed about him. Wait a second. I was like, dude, where's your toothbrush? But it's been since day one. Like, I've known about it. Still married to dude. Love to kiss him. Whatever. You know? This is insane. But I just don't know what to do about it. You know, I've offered to go to therapy with him.

I told him, you know, I told him that I need him to do this for me. I've retried everything. I have gone ahead and gotten him toothbrushes. Nothing works. I mean, I feel like I don't fucking know what to do.

Goddamn, man. I mean, the self-esteem on our caller here. Like, look, I have definitely... I would say...

A late comer to traditional teeth brushing methods. Okay? It just skipped us. My mom never made us brush our teeth. And I literally was 30 years old when I started brushing. But it was like, it literally was like, I was a little younger than 30. It was literally having a girlfriend that I was like, oh, yeah. I had that exact conversation where she was like, where's your toothbrush? And I had to be like, where's your toothbrush?

What? Oh, yeah. I guess I left it on the road. And then I had to buy one and she sees me like not knowing what to do. I'm like swirling around my fucking face. You're like the beast learning how to eat oatmeal. It keeps falling out of my hand. God. This is fucked up, though, because I also feel like, look,

You're married. He's in his 30s. Like, part of it is like I had fucking clear dental issues. I lost a tooth. Unrelated. Unrelated for the record. We know this. It's a legend in the city. A chicken bone. A chicken wing. A chicken wing. A comedy seller chicken wing cracked my tooth. It's framed. Yeah. I was sitting in that little weird zone above the...

The fucking Fat Black. The Fat Black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little hounds upstairs. Yeah, yeah. In the shadows. In the shadows. Where the Phantom sits. Phantom of the Opera style. But this is... Okay, so this is interesting because it's one thing to be like, you know, whatever. My boyfriend does it. He's 30 years old. He doesn't brush his teeth. We've all been there. But listen, I was...

I bought it, you know, once I started, I haven't, because here's the thing, it feels, it turns out it feels good to brush your teeth. It does. I went to the dentist and I just, I was just like, I got a cleaning and it was so fucked up that I was like, well, I'm never missing brushing my teeth ever again. Like this, I was bleeding profusely.

So much out of my teeth. Well, because they just take metal and scrape it against your teeth. And your gums. They had to numb me and get under my gums. It was so fucked up. Well, the wild part about this is she's done the work. She's bought the toothbrushes. And kind of just...

Ma'am, you're going to have to hold him down. There's something. You can't keep getting BV from him when he goes down on you. You got to do something. Yeah, I mean. Is he just rinsing his mouth a lot? This is gross. I mean, it does become gross. Because you didn't even say it's gross. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't know what he's doing. Is he, like, just going through packs of Trident? Like, how is... She says he has some mental health issues, but they've worked through them together. That's not how that works, man. Yeah. I'm worried because this is kind of like the canary in the coal mine type thing where it's like, look, it's bordering on a problem because, like, oral health is tied to a lot of other types of, like, you know, like, if you have a fucked up mouth, it can fuck up your bloodstream, all this kind of shit. But...

Let's just say for the sake of argument, it's not the biggest deal in the world, right? He used a little mouthwash, whatever, his breath doesn't smell, whatever, whatever.

There's gonna be another thing. If you can't get this guy to brush his teeth... Yeah, I gotta see his feet. If there's a real problem... We was gonna want his feet. Yeah, I mean... But just like anything else, dude. It's like you're married to this person. If you're ever at an impasse, he won't compromise on brushing his teeth. Yeah. I'm a little... Like, I wanna give you, like, real constructive criticism. But this is like...

This is like a non-starter to the point where you go, oh, well, this has to be handled before. You can't argue about visitation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You know what I mean? Yeah, get in a custody battle with this guy. There's no way he's going to get the kids for the weekend because they won't be brushing their teeth. We know that. Damn, day one she's known and still married him. Wow. Eight years. Oh, my. You.

What else is good about him? He must be awesome. I mean, it seems like she's aware of the podcast. You know what I mean? These aren't people who are holed up somewhere. No. Ah, jeez. I don't fucking... I guess let's think of it. Do either of you... You're both in long-term relationships. How would you approach any habit? See, it's hard because it's like thinking of it, you think of a reasonable person as

And they would at least attempt it or something. Is his argument, it's a scam? Is he like, that's what Fauci wants you to do? Right, what is it? Is to brush your teeth all the time? He just doesn't want to? Like, he literally is how a child approaches brushing his teeth. I will say, I knew someone in high school who, like, you know, this isn't, like... High school, though. I know, but it's not making it excusable, but he was talking about how he literally, like, didn't really brush his teeth. Yeah.

And everyone in the class was like, oh, that's weird, whatever. But he was like, yeah, just don't brush my teeth. And he said, like, it feels weird when I brush my teeth. It feels weird after I brush and then I, like, run my tongue over my teeth and it just doesn't have that feeling of whatever that feeling is that I'm used to. He likes the I just woke up in the morning kind of like.

Fuzzy mouth Yeah Does this guy go to the dentist though? I mean This guy ain't going to the dentist How is this guy going to the dentist? No you're right So it is I mean it is something like You know Even this guy Being an adult or whatever

I could see him just being used to it if he's just used to not doing it forever or something. And he landed somebody without brushing his teeth. Yeah, but she's fucked up. There's some fellas who brush their teeth. I like her. She's a friend of ours. She's calling in, but clearly something's wrong with her if she's letting this fucking guy get away. Eight years of not brushing your teeth? Two presidents. Yeah.

Wow. His whole life too, probably. I mean, I wonder. Oh, wow. You're right. Because she. You don't stop. It's like she stopped eight years ago. Oh. And again, I have sympathy. I'm not trying to sound like I'm on my high horse. I did not start brushing my teeth regularly until I was 30. I get that. I'm not coming to you from an ivory tower of perfect dental health. It's obvious.

a man of the people. You listen to him. So if I'm even weirded out by it, it's like, I don't know, man. I think that you have to have a very focused but also kind conversation and go, hey, there's so many things that could go wrong. There's so many things about you that I love, but I just need this. I need this more

This is going to sound immature, but maybe some sort of positive reinforcement. Good job, buddy. Yeah. You're going to have to put a treat in this bowl. I don't know. Well, I think, yeah, I think let's start with the mental health issues, right? Like, this seems like an offshoot of that. Yeah. It's just like, I've offered to go to therapy. Like, is there some way you can get this guy in some kind of therapy? Yeah, sure.

Some like, what are these mental health issues? The hard part for me though, is like, what person do you know that's in therapy that doesn't brush their teeth? Here's what I'm saying. I have a feeling this is the tip of the iceberg. You know what I mean? Like I have, and here's the other thing. Mental illness just kind of compounds where it's like, you can be kind of quirky at 28 when they met and eight years later,

It's looking a little fucking rough. Yeah, it's not addition. It's exponents. Exactly. It's exponential. Absolutely. It gets heavy fast. So that's what I'm a little worried about here. And it's like, that's why it's like this feel like let's leave the tooth brushing. It's like, how is the rest of your relationship? Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like, is there other shit this is creeping into? You said you've worked through the mental health issues together. What does that mean? What are these issues? I think there's more to there's more for you to examine here. And I don't think.

We don't have an answer for the toothbrushing, but I also... My gut is it's part of a much bigger thing here. Do it in his sleep. Yeah. Right. Fuck everything I just said. Just fucking put him under and then brush his teeth every night. Do it the way they have to do tigers at the zoo. Yeah.

Put him under trach dart him and brush his teeth for him. Once a month. Yeah, once a month is something good. Oh, you know, you could give him greenies. Like, you know how dogs... Oh, yeah, they chew on shit and it cleans their teeth. That's a great idea. Give him a milk bone to clean his teeth on. Yeah, so you're in a tough spot and I just think you have a little bit to think about here. I know you love the guy, but like...

Take a holistic view. You said you want to get him in therapy? Maybe you need to get a little therapy going here to get a little more context on how you're feeling. Is it just the teeth brushing? Is everything else perfect? My hunch is no. Yeah. My hunch is no, but maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, and also, don't send pics. I don't need to see pics. Hit us with another one, Big LB.

Hey, Sassabi. Been a big fan since Choppo Trap House with the Quora questions. I got a question for you. Earlier this year, I got out of a long-term relationship and started fooling around with a coworker.

What? Yeah, God won't have a problem with that.

Sucking dick in an Elantra. That counts. That's being chased. Awesome. People are hilarious. Go ahead. All over town. All over town is awesome. Why is it all over town? Yeah, why not just your place and her place? Wait a second. What is this? Yeah, it's the same way we're in an 18-wheeler. She keeps it moving to keep God off the trail. As long as they're on roller skates giving each other head. Over town.

I've been eating her pussy. It's like a good relationship. I've been going on dates with other people, just haven't really hit it off with anyone else. The problem is she has a boyfriend in another city who's moving back to town soon. I haven't really had any ethical hangups with that because he's trying to get into the police academy. I was just wondering, should I stop? And if so, when?

Interesting. I love the idea of like, as long as you're cucking a wannabe cop, there's nothing funnier than he's an aspiring police officer. Also, wow. You understand? There's a lot going on here. It's crazy that she told you what his dream is. Yeah. What? You're pillow talking and she's telling you about her man, what he wants to, not what he's doing. Also. What he wants to do.

Dude, also, saving yourself for marriage, but cheating and sucking dick on the side? Oh, my God. You're telling me... I mean, there's a lot going on here. I wonder if that's even true. Yeah, she's cool. You're right. I wonder if that's even true or if she's just like, well, it's not really cheating if he eats my pussy. Oh, my God. If she lets her boyfriend fuck. But anyway... Police Academy. This is way more military wife stuff than Police Academy stuff. Yeah.

What? They're over here. They got the guns. That is true. You're a male nurse. Okay. Oh, well, here's the wild part. You are having... He says I don't have ethical hang-ups. He called. Right. You got a hang-up. Well, I don't think it's ethical. It's like, I think, yeah. It's like, what is...

Is it ethical or is it just like his self-respect kind of thing? Oh, okay. You know what I mean? It's like, it's one thing he, but you're right. You hear it creeping into his voice where he's like, I just haven't hit it off with anyone. It's like, he's kind of, he's semi sprung. It sounds like this girl must be good at giving head. Yeah. She's not, she hasn't given a pussy her whole life. Yeah. You understand how good she must be at sucking dick to keep everyone at bay. How good that head must be. That's insane. Yeah.

What I can only assume is a very messy car. Anyone who's sucking that much dick in their car, I know there's some shit bags in there. No one is sucking dick all around town? Sure. All around town in a nice car? In a freshly detailed car. That's not happening. What's that? Black ice? What is that?

So yeah, this is about him, right? This is about, he clearly is semi-sprung because he's like, I just haven't hit it off with anyone because probably he doesn't really want to. He's just got to have a long-term relationship. Right, right, right. He's entering a situation-ship. So that's, it's a matter of what you want out of this, buddy. Because it's like, you have to, if you're strong enough to not get feelings and just get some head from time to time...

I don't see anything that wrong with it, honestly. Yeah. Y'all are nurses. Y'all have access to azithromycin. You can clear whatever it is up pretty quick. So, yeah, I mean, but it does sound like he's starting to get feelings and that he is kind of like...

he's the problem here. Where he's like, I haven't hit it off. And by the way, you shouldn't be hitting it off with anyone. You're like, you just gotta have a long-term relationship. You can give yourself a little time to fool around. Yeah.

Just giving you advice as a friend, I do think you should probably call it off. Yeah, you should have one final blowout. Like, have one... Maybe this time, get head indoors. I don't know. Do something crazy. And then, you know, then maybe be like, hey, your guy's coming back. You know, he's probably going to die on the force. I'm going to let y'all work that.

Call me if you need anything. We're also co-workers. That's the other thing. Well, not anymore. Okay, so not anymore. So here's what I would say. Cut it off. Yeah. But also... Hey, man. If you got a keeper in your back... Hopefully, you never have to use that. You never want to. Hopefully, you never have to. But it's like, hey, just... You don't have... You're not really dating. It's casual, right? Yeah. Just...

Just take her, put her, bench her. She's off the starting five. You know what I mean? Put her on the bench. Hopefully you never have to call her up. And then hopefully you get into a, give yourself at least a month break away from this girl and see if you can cultivate another little hookup to help you feel better. Because that's also part of it. You haven't hit it off with anyone, but like,

Now it's survival. And what's telling us, he called this a relationship. He acknowledges that because this is so ongoing, this is a form of a relationship. Yeah. Well, he says he started fooling around with her, right? Yeah. He got out of a different one. I don't think he's got out of a different one. Well, no, but he says, she's been giving me head all over town.

Oh, like a good relationship. Like a good relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're acknowledging that this is like. It's something. Yeah, it's recurring and it's frequent enough that like y'all are having. I mean, once again, he's trying. And by the way, how about you get to fuck someone? Yeah.

I like head and everything, but also you don't want to get, you don't actually want to get pussy eventually. You found the one nurse that don't be fucking people? Yeah. Wow. I mean, she's lying, by the way. I've seen videos where they be fucking patients. Here's the thing. You know how we told you to bench, to bench her? You're on the only suck his dick portion of the team. There's saving yourself a marriage, but sucks your dick all over town with a boyfriend. Okay, buddy. Oh,

That's lunacy. But anyway, get rid of her. Get out of there. You're kind of getting weirdly connected to somebody who has a boyfriend and won't give you pussy. That's what it really comes down to, pal. Yeah. So move on. Move on. What else we got, Eldis? Stavi, baby. Albanian and a scene guest. I'm...

Glad to be calling. Been listening for a long time. Thank you. Little Fat Sput was a great special. So this is something that not a lot of people in my life can really relate to because I travel for work and I'm on the road 10 days on, then I'm home 10 days, then I'm gone 10 days, then I'm home 10 days. I sell barbecues in like roadshow style. Nice. And it's a really great job. I make good money.

I see a lot of really cool stuff, but it makes it really hard to meet anybody, you know, like romantically. And I've been in long-term relationships before. Like, my last girlfriend, we were together for four years. We broke up, like, five years ago. I've had some situationships since then, you know, dilly-dallying fuck around, you know, on the road and stuff like that. But overall... I can't even really get hard for just, like, a rogue fuck anymore. I really want...

like a real relationship again. I'm ready for it. I'm good at it. I cook a lot, you know, like I just...

I'm ready for it, but dude, meeting a high-quality girl with only like a week at home is just rough. So what are some ways that I can get out and like actually meet somebody and not have the wasted space and, you know, the wasted time and just all that jazz? Dating apps don't really work for me. I'm banned on Tinder for, I got, anyway, I'm banned on Tinder just for stupid reasons. I got shadow banned.

By the bot when I was like suicide swiping, but that's neither here nor there. It's just I want to meet a girl and you're on the road a lot. I know that you'll be able to help me out with this So what are some ways that I can meet somebody of quality? All right, have a good one Well, I mean first of all, I think you're I'm gonna take your word for it that you got banned unjustly for tinder You weren't doing some fucked up stuff on there. I

But I also think, I have to be honest, I think you are giving yourself...

An out. Because 10 days home, 10 days gone. Yes, it's annoying. You have enough time to meet someone. Yeah, 10 days. You got... 10 days. And it's like, look, think about when you're first starting to date people. You don't see them, you know, that often. You know, every... Maybe, you know, once a week you go on a date. And you're there for 10 days. You can see somebody twice. Twice in that 10-day period. Yeah. First date, second date. Take a little break, whatever. And it's like, the thing is...

It's just going to take a little longer, right? Because you can't... You do have less time. But I thought about this too where it was like I told myself I definitely can't have a relationship when I was on the road. And I think I was giving myself the out of like, oh, I can't. So I'm not even going to allow myself to emotionally believe that I can. So all you have to do... The thing is you're home enough and...

Unfortunately, just dating does take time. You know, it's like people meet people online. You try the other apps, I guess. But also you just have to be patient. And yeah, it's going to take you a little longer. Because if you're only home half the time, that's just logistical problems, right? And then once you get into a nice relationship...

You know, you could take people to the fucking barbecue show. Yeah. Girls can come meet you. It's not that crazy. That was the thing I was going to say. There is a level of kind of like...

fun to your job that there could be a couple of times where you go, hey, have you ever seen Arkansas? And they're going to be like, I'm good. I'm actually good. You're like, you got to see this part though. Yeah. So, I mean, maybe, maybe take one girl that you've established a longer situation with, like on the road. Also,

If you're meeting people and hooking up with them on the road, be honest about that. Because that also might be what's holding you back a little bit. Yeah. Exactly. It's like, because here's the thing. I've said that I've had this thought before. And then I'll just go somewhere fun. Yeah. And have a pretty sick couple weeks. Yeah. I'm like, wait.

getting pussy is awesome. You know? And then I'm like, I don't need to be in a fucking relationship right now. So I'm a little bit, I'm kind of wavering back and forth. But if you really want this...

Then, yeah, it's like, dude, just do like I feel like he's his own worst enemy here where it's like he hamstrings himself. I can't even find it when it's like, yeah, you can't, dude. You just have to like the same way anyone meets anyone. I don't have the secret to that. Right. Through friends is always good. Try the apps, you know, go to stuff, you know, go to events that you like meet like minded people there that finding a person there's no like.

There's no secret remedy to that. And there's no one person that's going to do everything and get everything. You're still going to have to go through the ins and outs of dating with this person. It's not going to be like, oh, I found this person once. Perfect. You're going to have to go through a little bit of bullshit no matter what. And it just will... I think it might take you a little longer than usual to feel...

Like you're on The 10 days thing Is just gonna take you A little while To establish things Yeah But once they're established That's not that big a challenge All things considered And you got all this Barbecue money Yeah That you said Come on Come on You're throwing fucking Rib tips at her What are those shits called Burnt ends Burnt ends Yeah Yeah Toss their burnt ends to you Mississippi Came right out I

I also love the fact that you want a long-term relationship. You're vocal about it. But, like, that requires work. There's... Yeah. It's...

If you were in the city, it would still require work. All you're talking about is an annoying scheduling thing. And yeah, you might have to talk on the phone more than most people to feel connected, right? Like maybe you see a girl once in 10 days, maybe you have a long phone call on the road and then you see her again when you come back. And then sometimes you see her twice in a 10-day period. Sometimes she comes out to see you, but it's like, that's all, bro. I just know, my number, I guess to boil down my piece of advice is,

Stop giving yourself the out. Because I'm doing, I did that last year where I was like, I simply can't have a girlfriend. And I kind of fucked a relationship up with somebody I liked because I just was in that mind frame. And then I thought, wait, fuck, I could have made this work if I really wanted to, right? So stop giving yourself the out.

It's going to take work no matter what. You're in a pretty good position and you can figure it out. You just have to realize like, fuck, I can do this. So, yeah, we believe in you, little buddy. Yeah. And send pics of that food. That's what I want to say. Barbecue equipment. We're talking like smokers. I want to smoke. Yeah. Hit us up. Can you hook up a smoker? I want one from my backyard in Baltimore. Elvis, you got anything fun for us to go out on here, little buddy?

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Make the most of them all with PenFed checking and savings accounts. Learn more at PenFed.org. Federally insured by NCUA. To receive any advertised product, you must become a member of PenFed Credit Union. Hey, Stavi. I'm here with my fiance. She's eight centimeters dilated. What? We're going into active labor here in the next couple minutes. And I just want to let you know we're not naming the baby Stavi. Oh, Stavrula. We did consider it.

Pretty intensely. And yeah, yeah, Stavro was also an option on the table. I don't really have a question, but I just wanted you to be here in this moment with us. She'd like to say hello as well.

as well. Hi, Sabi. Oh my God. That's it. Love you, buddy. Sounds like a fucking hostage. What? You just talked to three people. Yeah, yeah. One? I hope you did that of your own free will. Eight centimeters dilated. Holy shit. Well, look, you called in a month ago. Ha!

Or 20 days ago. And this won't air for a few more days. So the baby is three months now. Yeah. And we love her and we're so happy for her. And yeah, elders, let's contact them. Let's get them some baby clothes. Let's get them some baby merch for their cute little daughter here. We'll get you a Stavis World onesie. That's incredible. Good for them. Wow. Oh, that's beautiful. Bringing it in life. Wow. Wow.

Listen, all we want is if somebody has male twins, name them Stav and Eldis. Just do it. Fraternal's better because it'd be funnier. And then look, if one happens to be taller and one happens to be short and fat, switch their names midlife. Okay? But like, all I ask is if you have twins, really consider naming them Stav and Eldis. Just do it.

This is, I will say that person calling during that moment. Very, your, your wife or your baby mama. Super cool. Cool. Cool. She, you know what she said? She's, that's it. She didn't go, nothing. What a warrior, dude. What a warrior. About to give birth. Y'all found each other. That's beautiful. Respect to you. Uh, holy shit. That's well, we, I'm glad you called in. You made the show. Uh,

Yeah, let's literally contact them and give them some fucking baby clothes, man. We love you. Good luck to the baby and good luck to you guys. And that's very heartwarming stuff right there, man.

Jay, thank you so much for coming, bro. Thank you for having me. Oh, my God. You were great. We've been talking about this for a while. I know. I love whenever I get to see you. We saw each other in LA and I was like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, the festival was awesome. Yeah, it was perfect. Yeah, so happy to have you. And yeah, check out Jay and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye. Bye.

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