#90 - Tom Papa
01:28:30 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. I'm thrilled to have on the pod...

one of my comedy fathers, Tom Papa. Thank you, Tommy. Hello, son. Between you, we really should have had Bobby on here. Yeah, that would have been funny. My two gay comedy dads. You were definitely the dad, honestly. I was the functional one. You were like the dad, because you lived on the other, you're in L.A., so it felt like

If you and Bobby are a couple, you guys got a divorce. You moved to L.A. You're the like functional kind of distant, you know, father figure. And Bobby was he was here constantly. He's like my overly emotional mother who I see all the time. But I'm always threatening. I'm going to go live with dad if you don't stop yelling at me.

I was very measured. Yeah, yeah. Give you some sound advice. Right, right, right, right. Yes, exactly. I remember we were somewhere and something happened where someone like canceled, like something in our travel went wrong or something went wrong on the little tour we were on. Yeah. And I was on the phone with the rep and was just like, all right, okay, we'll take care of it. And I hung up and you were like, okay.

Oh, yeah. I remember this exactly. I was like, what's the matter? And you're like, that is not how Bobby would have reacted. Yeah. I remember your manager fucked up the hotel. Is that what it was? Yes, that's what it was. And then you were like, ugh. And you were really annoyed for one second. And then you were even like, you know what? I'll take care of it. And you just like booked...

You just like found the hotel that was nicest and nearest and you called them back. You're like, book this. And that was that. And then you were like back at it. And I was like, oh my God, Bobby. Bobby would have been yelling at that man for 90 minutes. We wouldn't have gotten a hotel. We would have still had to stay at the shitty one because he would not have taken care of it. He would have just kind of like challenged the assistant, the manager's manhood. And then the guy would have like taken it out on us. And then

Bobby would have felt guilty for how bad he yelled at him so he wouldn't have yelled again. Yeah, but then he would have just kind of like said shitty comments to you. Yeah. And he would have taken it out on me. You were literally like holding the armrest like waiting for the onslaught. I was like, what's the matter, dude? It was like, oh, my other dad's an alcoholic. Oh, yeah.

No, I have a, I literally remember exactly where we were. Right. Like I have the image of, I don't remember what the city was, but I remember driving from the airport. Yeah. And like it just not, the hotel not being booked or it was just like a really shitty hotel. Whatever, something, it was something like that. Yeah, I forget what it was. And then you just doing it yourself and the whole thing being done and us getting lunch and I'm still just like reeling. I'm like, wow, that was a really normal way to handle that. Yeah.

You don't think of yourself really as normal. So to hear that perspective, I still carry it to this day. It's like, what would Bobby do? Don't do that. I love it. And then I'm from a, you know, there's a long lineage of people who have opened for Bobby. And I talk to Soder and Joe List, and they're like, you got him when he was chilled out. They're like, yeah.

You got Bobby after like 10 consecutive years of therapy. Like, we got him fresh, dude. We got him with the little goatee and the Kangol hat when he was still, you know... Going nuts. He was still going nuts, but he's the man. Yeah, he's the best. Yeah, that was the best for the listeners. It's like, that was...

The moment where I kind of felt like I could actually do comedies. I just fell into opening for both you and Bobby separately. And you were friends. Did I meet you first? In Maryland? I don't remember. You did Ram's Head in Annapolis. And I remember that gig. That was awesome because...

I was a fan of yours because I was a big comedy nerd, but you don't realize that you are just a... Comedians, what I love about it is even the most manicured... Because at the time, you were doing... You're a married dad. You're wearing a suit on stage. The marriage... We got the marriage ref here. I'll just show some fucking respect, by the way. That's right. You didn't roll out the red carpet for the marriage ref. You didn't bring your whistle to get signed by Tom. Yeah.

But I was like, yeah, this is like a great comic. And then you realize the best comics, even when they've grown up, are all dirtbags in their hearts. You know what I mean? As we got to know each other, it's like, yeah, you were me 20 years ago. Yeah, 100%. And it's like, that was... And you love... Because I was, dude, when we met, I'm 22, 23. Right. And it's just...

I mean, if I had four minutes that didn't say pussy or cock or, you know what I mean? Like I was filthy or it was like fat, like fat jokes were clean. And then it was all just, I don't remember you being super dirty. I remember you being very fun. Like I saw you on, they sent me a YouTube clip. Yeah. And I immediately was like, Oh, funny guy. That's awesome. You know, you know, you know, when you see someone, you're just like, okay, that's good. Yeah. And, uh,

I was just like, oh, yeah, that's perfect. Yeah. And I think it was as we worked together longer. Right. I don't know how long we did it. A couple years. Yeah. A few years for sure. Four or five years probably. I feel like you got dirtier later. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think maybe you were like on best behavior in the beginning. Oh, for sure. Oh, if you don't think. Then we were friends. You're like, all right. Yeah.

I'm just going to be me. What you saw was me being as clean as humanly possible. And it was still probably 12 of my 20 minutes were disgusting. But I was like, Jesus, I can't do that one. I can't do this one. And then as we were like, I was like, oh, I'm good here. I can really let it rip.

And then as I became even more of a, I don't know, you know, you have ambition early on. You're like, I'm going to be a, I'm going to write clean jokes. And I'm just like, all I care about is comedy. And then you like, you moved to New York. Your life sucks, dick. You're like, you want to kill yourself. All I know is like pain and misery, you know. You're welcome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, thanks for giving me false hope. It was going to be easy and easy. But yeah, that was it. So we met in Annapolis and then... And it's great because we did one show in New York State. Levity. Levity. And then you came to Father's Day. I did go to Father's Day brunch. Father's Day brunch with my family. With the fathers. With my father. Yeah.

And all those people. And it was so cool because they all love you. You were like family. It's a very familial thing. Greeks and Italians and the whole thing. And you just fit right in. It was great. I had a great time. And it was the price you had to pay to get a ride back to the city. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're all very happy for your success. Oh, that's awesome. No, they were great. That was a great time. Yes, my parents definitely still, my mom still doesn't understand that you're not Greek. Like, that's part of it. It's like, Papa, she just thinks it's Pappas. Yeah. And it's like, there's no S. There's no S on his name. It's been Papa for the 10 years, Ma. But she's still in her head, it's like, oh, that's cool. But old Greeks say, when I tell them, no, I'm Italian, and they're like, no, I'm not.

I'm from Sicily they're like well we had it first so you are Greek Greek people love claiming shit that happened literally 4,000 years ago it's really true but there is more I have to say there's more joy in the Greeks than

feeling that you're one of them. Oh, yeah. I guess because there's fewer. Sure. Like, the Italians are like, yeah, we're all Italian. Right, right, right. And the Greeks are like, no, you're ours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a cool feeling. Sometimes I feel like Greeks are like Italians, like, from concentrate, like, concentrated. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's been diffused in American culture, being Italian. And there's so many people who claim it, and it's like mob movies and everything. But Greek people, it still is... It feels a little bit like a secret club. Where everybody's aware of it. It's like the Masons, where it's like, you see a Masonic Lodge, but it's like, what the fuck's going on in there? Right, exactly. And it's like, that's how... Everyone knows a Greek person, but they've never really been... You see the Greek wedding and the breaking plates and stuff. I know. You have a fun thing about it. There's a thing in...

L.A. there's like the head of Paramount I think is Greek and he has this Greek like party every year I don't know if it's Greek Easter or what it is and there's like all of a sudden like these Greeks like pop up and I was doing a charity event and he was there and a couple of the other Greeks and they looked so cool that I'll be honest I didn't fight them calling me Pappas yeah yeah

This might lead to a movie or something. Yeah, dude. That's when you betray your roots. I didn't know the Greeks controlled Hollywood. Yeah, we're putting a little... That's why Greeks are so anti-Semitic. It's a smoke screen. They're like, no, it's them. And then we're actually... It's actually us. Oh, I'm trying to sneak into that little Greek

cabal so you know it's yeah so we were at the we went to the Netflix brunch and the CEO of Netflix is Greek and Demetri Martin was there and I heard them I heard them they're like see cause Greek Easter was right before that Netflix brunch and I heard them being like see you tomorrow and I was just kind of lingering like

What's tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! Where is it again? And I had just met these, like, you know, Demetri Martin, the guy I loved as a kid, and, like, this powerful CEO who loves stand-up comedy. You can't really be like, can I come, guys? But a boy did I want to. That would have been...

They would have been so happy. I mean, Ted really loves, Desereto loves comedy like nobody else. He really does. That's so, we got so lucky. All you had to do is drop that. Can you imagine the fact that the biggest streamer in the world, the CEO, just loves stand-up? That's awesome. Changed everything. But the way I found out about this, about this Greek meet-up is because my mom has gone from, you know, kind of like modesty and do your best to now she's like, well, come on. Let's fuck it. She's like, what? She literally was like,

you didn't get to... She pulled it up on Instagram. She was like, look at this. And it was like, Nia Ferdalos, John Stamos, Demetri Martin. She's like, hmm, you weren't here, were you? I was like, what are you doing, man? You're slacking. I was like, she knew about it. I was going to tell her like, ma, apparently there's this Greek get-together. And I was going to tell her like, maybe someday. And then she's like, oh, I know about it. And she's like, and you weren't there. And I was like...

How do you know about it? How do you know about this? She had it pulled up on Instagram. It doesn't seem like it would be difficult to break that, to crack that. Next year, you know, hopefully. Tires did well, you know. We've been trending for, we were number in the top ten for a week. Yeah, it's good. You know, maybe next year, you know. Yeah. I saw the first two. It's really good. It's good. It's like six episodes.

And it was filmed in like 12 or 13 days. So great. We didn't have scripts. Oh, really? We were like finishing the script. They were writing the scripts. It's like it's going... Like they're... My character was only supposed to be there for a little bit and they're like, this is fun. And they were just like adding me to shit. It was awesome. And McKeever who...

I mean, Shane is fucking hilarious. But McKeever, I think people are really going to understand, like, he's so good to work with. And he always did the sketches with them, right? He always did the sketches. Yeah, those guys. And so when you get two guys that obviously Shane is so fucking funny. And then McKeever is just, like, such a great comedy director. Right. That's really cool. You know, it's going to be awesome. Yeah, it was so much little funny stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, like, the eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just so funny. No, it's awesome. It was great to see you in it. It's awesome. Yeah, I love...

I don't know how you... I was like, man, acting's... This is awesome. This shit is easy. I know. You don't have to write shit. You just show up. Yeah. And then people treat you like you did all the hard work. I know. People congratulate me. I'm like, I didn't do shit. I fucking came and I said a couple lines. I know. They're already... They let me punch my shit up. Yeah. It's so funny how you just fight...

tooth and nail for stand-up. Which is one of the lowest forms of art there is. We've dedicated our lives to one of the lowest forms of art. We have to do everything and then like... I don't know though. I mean, I'd push back on that a little bit because I think that you're seeing like scripted stuff kind of fall flat a lot. Like people are so hip to what it is. Like it has to be so great. It's almost been like kind of diluted. It's almost like stand-up

as the form is like the most potent and honest it's the funnest and people are like yeah it's like a visceral thing like you well I think live yeah it's such a great experience 100% but it's like you know you see a lady fucking juggle on a unicycle that's pretty fun live too you know what I mean it's like we is it yeah

Is it? Red Panda, look her up, man. Look if she does the halftime shows at a lot of NBA arenas. She's electrifying. No, but I just mean, you know, it's just like, it's just so funny to how acting is, you know. Yeah. I mean, not that I'm never going to be fucking Daniel Day-Lewis, but it's like comedic acting is like you show up, you be funny. Someone's already written at least...

Half of it, they've already given you something, and then they're thrilled when you punch it up. And it's like, that's just what we're trained to do. We're like, we know what sounds funny coming out of our mouths. So, yeah, it is, it's, it randomly, I guess, was good for being fun, you know, being good on screen. I love it because you, because you, you would just start popping up and shit. You became friends with Soderbergh, right? Yeah. And that was, you were great on The Informant. Yeah. We remember when we watched Behind the Candelabra with my mom.

Remember, we were high as shit. We were secretly hitting the vape pen. My mom had come up from Baltimore, and she had never visited us. And I think somebody had moved out of this room, and so we had turned into a guest. It's like, all right, we have a guest room for like a month. So, Mom, why don't you come for a week? And me and Elders grew up together. And so it was like this fun family trip. My brothers came. And then we're like, let's watch a fun movie. And we're like, oh, Papa's in behind the candelabra. Yeah.

Not knowing that it was like a weird, like, it was like this psychosexual thriller where, like, Liberace is basically like Dracula, essentially, where he's sucking the life force out of Matt Damon. And we also were such weed addicts at the time where we're like, we can't go a night without smoking. My mom is here. So now we're secretly, you know, these potent vape pens. Right. And it's just like this, like,

gay horror movie which is a great movie the performances were great but I could tell my mom was like what the fuck did they pick couldn't we have seen like Back to the Future I'm walking around in flower pants yeah your Dr. Feelgood that's my friend and my mom's like that was nice just

I'm going to go to bed now. Are we going to church tomorrow? Yeah, right.

that was a hilarious night. Cause it's one of those where it's like, he can't 40 minutes in the trains left the station. Yeah. He can't be like, no mom, this movie is probably going to get weirder. You're like, we're already committed. Like we, by the time we had stopped sneakily smoking weed, it's like eating ice cream. She's been watching this movie for 45 minutes. Oh yeah. Straight. Oh,

Oh, sorry, Tom. I just got caught up in looking at all these great deals on Baltimore Orioles tickets on the GameTime app. Boy, oh boy, do I love the GameTime app. I've used it to check out my beautiful hometown O's. I like that you can get last-minute deals on them. I like that you can see exactly where you're going to sit. No bullshit. You show up there, you're sitting behind the telephone pole. It's just a great app.

It's not. And look, I'm a sports guy. They got music. They got comedy. Friend of the show, Brian Simpson, in fact, is going to be at Rams Head, Rams Head Live over in Baltimore. Hey, let's plug Brian. Why not? But if you're going to buy the tickets, buy it using our friends at the Game Time app. My favorite way to get tickets to whether it's music, comedy, sports, you name it, they got it all.

Take the guesswork. Here's what I want you to do. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y, for $20 off your first purchase. Right. Terms apply, of course. Again, create an account and redeem code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y, for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed, my friend.

Ah, the monster truck rally is also in town, Tom. You want to go? I love game time. It was hilarious, but yeah. Were you Dr. Fielding? It was really fun. Was that your character? I don't know. Were you his liaison? I was his tour manager. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was his tour manager. Yes, yes, yes. And it's good. I was having this discussion the other night that as comics, it's like,

There was a time when you needed to get a lot of roles. Right, right, right. To like bolster up your stand up. Sure, sure, sure. And now you have this kind of a thing. And it's like, you don't really need to go act and stuff. You only really do it if it's going to be fun. If it's fun. If it's fun and someone else, you know. Totally. Does it all. Does it all. And somebody who's great, like Soderbergh, one of my favorite directors.

And you've popped up in his stuff. And he seems to really like working with comics too, like getting that energy. I've seen like, he'll just put comics in like, like I just saw Kimmy.

And I think Byron Bowers is in that. And that movie's great. And I just love his movies because they're like... I know, they're so good. He respects your time. There's no bullshit set up. It's so arresting and affecting immediately. And you're going. And there's a resolution. I'm a simpleton where it's like...

I need... And look, I'll watch an art movie or whatever. And he's done some... Obviously, he's done some art... And his movies sometimes are cut in very interesting ways. So it's not like it's... I'm not saying it's right down the middle just entertainment. But...

it will pick up immediately and he'll take detours and stuff, but you're already hooked. You know, there's no like, no, he's going to tell a story. Awesome happens immediately. Yeah. And I just love like, why don't more, you know what I mean? Like, let's really do that. And it's like, now it's like a Marvel movie will get you, but it's like, that's so formulaic. I know action where it's like, Soderbergh. It's like, I quickly learned like that.

the calm of knowing if you're going to work anywhere in his orbit, you know it's going to be quality. Right. He knows what he's doing. There's no way, like, you could be in things and it's like, oh, that wasn't that great. Oh, yeah. You see some cuts and you're like, oh. Yeah.

That's not going to happen with this stuff. You're going to be like, oh, this is going to be cool. Totally. You're going to be like... This is going to be... You're protected. Yeah. You're in this creative force. Yeah, yeah. And you're going to be okay. Yeah. You're going to come out cooler. Totally. You thought it was even possible. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Have you... Do any really bad ones come to mind? Have you ever been involved in anything where you're like...

Not real. Like, not acting-wise, not really. Nothing. No, nothing. Everything was kind of like, even like the indie stuff. Yeah. It was always like, you know, good swings and stuff. That's cool. For sure. I don't, I really have like an allergic reaction to like auditioning for, you know, I have like this new agent who doesn't really know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, you can play this cop in CSI. I'm like...

Can I? A cop with a wry wit and a gleam in his eyes. Right, exactly. Is this a camp? Are they doing a campy episode of SVU? You're in little short shorts. You're like, I think you're guilty. I don't need it.

And I think I do have like this allergic, even when I was starting out, like I would say no. And I remembered like hearing Danny DeVito, like said yes to everything when he was young. It was like, I'll just take everything and try and like make my mark and get his thing. And I was like, that's cool. Like that's, you know, it's humble and you're going to work and you, and then you'll find your way and pick your spots. But,

But I couldn't do it. I was like, I can't. Because as a comic, you don't have to. Yeah. You don't have to be on Nickelodeon. Which is funny because you say that, but think about where you were at the time. You're living in some shitty apartment. You're like, I don't have to. I make $10 a night doing spots. I don't need this. I can get two bacon, egg, and cheese in the morning.

What do I need your shit for? And when did... And I love hearing those shitty New York first starting out stories, you know? Because it's like... Well, you grew up in Jersey, so you were, like, familiar with... Bad living? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog shit. No, I mean, it wasn't so, like... You weren't that far away, is basically what I'm saying. Because you grew up pretty close, right? What part of Jersey? Like, close to New York. Northern Jersey. Yeah, northern Jersey. So it's like...

Like, you were sort of aware of what it takes, but still, when you make that commitment to move, it's still crazy. Like, what years was it when you moved? I started my first, my comedy birthday is June 12th, 1993. Look at that, 93. Very nice. Yeah. I won't tell you how old I was. It'll depress you. No, it's all right. I was four. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I was four. I always feel bad. I just hit 30 years. Wow, that's awesome. It's crazy. Holy shit. But when did you move? You were doing Mike's, I guess, in New Jersey or something? I was doing Mike's in Jersey. I love that grimy first move to New York stuff, though. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was insane. My worst apartment, I first moved in.

with a girl and then it didn't work out and then I moved in with Kyle Dunnigan oh wow really and we lived in this shitty apartment that's awesome I love that fuck no windows there was just a one window we're supposed to have him on the podcast laughing

He canceled once and then I canceled. You know when you do that? Yeah, yeah. That's so crazy. He's the best. He's so fucking funny. He's so naturally funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no one funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And John Bush, who like he's in, we had like this sketch group together. Oh, wow. It was Ian Bagg. Wow. John Bush. That's hilarious. Kyle Dunnigan, Cynthia, my wife. And I lived in this, like Kyle and I lived in this shitty little apartment. It was like,

Two rooms. Yeah, railroad style. No sink in the bathroom. Roaches. My window was all the garbage cans on the first floor. First floor, garbage window. And we were so happy. Of course. We just kept all of our little costumes for our sketch thing in the kitchen. And we were just making stuff. And Kyle played...

in real life a character called kylie who was the decorator that was going to make our apartment nice he created he had like a little fountain from target and like some and his room had no window so it was like this dark cave you know like when you're dark cold cave you can sleep for like three days yeah every once in a while he'd pop out like yeah i gotta go outside

The windowless room, the one windowless room in one room overlooking the garbage is such a funny combo. It's like, what kind of natural, like, was that even legal to fucking rent that out? No, no way. No way. They carved it out and called it an apartment and it was not. It was a hallway that they put like doors on. It was insane. And there were no doors. There were no doors in the apartment except going into the tiny bathroom.

Like, if you walked in, there was no door to Kyle's room or door to my room or door to the kitchen. It was just open. And,

And we're like, and we're men. That's fucking, literally like caves. Yeah, like if you told me today I had to move in there tomorrow, I would kill myself. Right, right, right, right, right. But literally to your, when you said $10 a night, it was $5 a night at the comic strip. Yeah, yeah. And I would get a bagel on the corner and they put so much extra bacon on the bacon, egg, and cheese that it would last the whole day. Yeah. And.

I had no, there was no part of me that thought like, wow, this isn't working out. Of course. It was like, no, this is happening. I'm doing it, baby. So fantastic. Yeah.

I remember, yeah, I mean, Halal Cart was my version of that big bacon, egg, and cheese. That Halal Cart fed me. Carve it up. Carve it up. Make some meals. Yeah, I'm like, just have the self-control to eat half. That was the big thing. And I was like, no salad, extra rice, you motherfucker. You're not going to trick me with a salad trick.

So I just filled to the brim with rice, and I would buy my own pitas because you get them cheaper, and I would have like a pita and half of it, and I would kind of make a little sandwich with a little rice.

Oh, yeah. So great. Yeah. I'm upset that you're trying to dial it in and not eat as much. I know. I know. There's a legendary bakery right down the street from Stout Rose. Papa came in here with fucking, this motherfucker came in here with, this is a small amount of his pastries. I'm like literally straining holding this. Yeah.

It's like we've had it before because we rainbow cookies because you're you're you're you're show where you would go to bakeries. Yeah, we went to that. But that's like you introduced me to it. And ever since then, like whenever we get that stuff, like the lobster tails, the cannolis, like we've yeah, we've fucked that place up. Yeah, they're so good. Oh, yeah, they're so good. Pandemic Christmas. Remember that?

Yeah. Where we got, oh, we got a lot. They basically catered our dessert for pandemic Christmas. Oh, my God. Which is just me in a red tracksuit. So stoned that I fell asleep at like 7 p.m. Eldest and his, at the time, girlfriend, now wife, like they were trying to make the best of it. They're like, we're going to, we might not be near our families, but you know, we're good. You guys like dressed nice. And I'm like, what's up, guys? Was that the Christmas when you had the reindeer blowing you on Instagram? Yeah.

My daughters were like, we love Stavros. He's so funny. And then they were like, what's this? Amblers going down. Yeah, the red light reflecting off my stomach. The jingle bell going on and off. That might have gotten me banned from Instagram the first time. That was the last time that the original... How many times did you get banned?

I'm good now. Stobby Baby 2's been going for a while. I was dicey. I was dicey, and then I think when the reels started popping off, Instagram started treating me with a little more respect. When I started getting bigger numbers, they gave me the checkmark. We were trying to get in contact with them forever, and then finally we heard from them. So I think...

has saved me from being banned. Funny how that works. I mean, I remember being pissed off at the time because it was like, and I love Eric Andre. He's one of the funniest guys. His show's the best. But he would just put his cock on Instagram. And I'm like, all right, you gave him a timeout. He puts his fucking, his beautiful caramel penis right on the timeline. And he just gets one day, but I get blown by a reindeer and I'm out forever. His penis had a lot of

followers yeah yeah sure he had a million he was over a million yeah but it was just like uh but so anyway but i when we were we were doing a gig in long island and then the next night in newark

So we drove through here to stop at that bakery. We realized the bakery is right around the corner from your place. And I have a picture in my phone. They make this prosciutto and provolone bread. And it's like a wreath. It's like a ring. And there's just a picture of Stavros.

Just chewing it like a donut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just walking down. It was starting to snow. Well, to my... The thing was, we had to book it. Yeah. Because it was supposed to be like a huge snowstorm. Right. And we had to get to the bakery and then the gig. So we didn't have time to eat anything. And I was starving. Right.

And we got caught in traffic and I was so hungry. And I'm just like, I eat this whole fucking thing that's supposed to feed a family. I had probably three quarters of it by the time we got to the gig. I brought you one. It's smaller. Beautiful. And it was frozen, so we couldn't eat it.

Right now. But I'm going to leave it for you all. Thank you. All right. I'm going to hit the gym after this. I'll have the loaf. Yeah, that's good. It's got meat and cheese in it. Yeah, it's got everything you need. It's got meat, cheese, and bread. The stuff nutritionists say is what you want to eat as much as possible. Yeah, no, that place was great. I love it. Yeah. So, and...

So you go windowless, and then how long are you just kind of living like an animal in New York? For a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably like five years. Love that. Yeah, four or five years. And then Cynthia, who was part of the sketch group,

We fell in love and she had a place downtown in Chelsea. Gotcha. And we decided to move in with each other. Nice. And get married. Civilized you. Yeah, totally. It really did. It really was like, it really was, yeah, moving in with her, I, it just kind of like

corrected everything. Yeah. It was like, it was all fun and whatever, but it wasn't, you know, unsustainable. And, uh, yeah. And then I moved in with her and I was like, I pretty much quit smoking weed. Wow. R.I.P. I,

RIP Dirtbag Tom. He's coming back. Yeah, yeah, now? My kids are now leaving the house. Ooh, I love it. And Frank the Tank is starting to emerge. Yeah, because your kids, they're both in college now, right? Yeah, one just graduated. Okay. And one's going to be a sophomore. In college? In college. Wow, holy shit. Yeah. I thought one might have still been in high school even. No, graduated college. Wow, out in the world? Out in the world. Woo!

She's going to be a dirtbag in New York like we were. That's her plan. She's going the same route. Good for her. Yeah. That's got to feel nice. It does feel nice. Yeah, it's cool. I'm just excited that she's going to form her community. She's going to find her friends and eat weird prosciutto bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do drugs that if you heard about them would make you nervous, but you don't need to know details. You just know she'll come out of it. Yeah.

You know, she's going to put on outfits you don't approve of, but you don't got to see them. I don't have to. I don't have to participate. You don't have to check in day to day. You're just taking the, you know. But yeah, now that all of a sudden I have like a little freedom in my house. Ooh, that must feel nice. Yeah, I think this is good. That's great. I could micro slash macro dose in the middle of the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no one's going to like need help. Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty much in the clear. I love that. That's a nice little change. I know. It's pretty exciting. Because I do love the stories of also you from college and, like, again, that's when I was like, oh, yeah, this man's a fucking... This man's one of us. Don't let the cardigans and the tailors and the little hats fool you. This fucking guy. You know. The same thing I felt when literally, like...

I know it was like bad when Mulaney relapsed, but it was like, you're like, well, he is a fucking... He seems like he's got it all taken care of when he comes from a nice family, but it's like, you're like, oh, yeah.

The funniest guys just do have demons, unfortunately, and do are like just know how to party, whether it's good or bad. You know what I mean? Like whether it's so much like everyone is kind of like, you know, Gaffigan's like that where you like meet him and he's like a ball busty. Like people might think of him as like a family friendly, but it's like he's I've seen him destroy people like that.

And like being so funny about it too. Like not being a cunt, but just being like, you're a fucking idiot. No, you're actually kind of mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh boy, Tom, my pits are rocking. Whoa. Mando whole body deodorant in Mount Fuji, my favorite fucking scent. Yeah.

I smell a lot better, don't I Tommy? And it's not just Mando's deodorant I like. I recently traveled overseas and all I brought with me was Mando's acidified cleansing bar. It's a four-in-one solution. You don't gotta pack all this fucking bullshit. This has you covered fully.

Whether it's your pits, your nuts, your ass, whatever you want, Mando's got to slather some Mando on it. It'll get it smelling right as rain, brother. That's my promise to you. I like Mount Fuji. They also have bourbon, a little more, you know, sophisticated, like an old man's couch. Pro sport, you know, for the jocks. But me, I'm a woodsy, outdoorsy type. I'm a fucking Mount Fuji gentleman.

I love Mando. You will be too. Special offer for new customers. Get $5 off Mando's best-selling starter pack with code STAVI at shopmando.com. Are you kidding me, folks?

Mind you, it's perfect. The starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant. You can rub those aforementioned places. Two free products of your choice, whether it's a mini body wash, deodorant wipes, which I've used when I'm really, when just an extra slather won't do. You got to take a, listen, I'm an Eastern European man. It gets stinky over here. A nice swipe of the deodorant wipes plus slather.

Some Mando rubbed on your pitch. Oh my God.

You'll smell so fresh. And you get free shipping. Luckily, I have a discount code to help you get hooked on my favorite smelling whole body deodorant on the market. New customers get $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack. Use code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y at shopmando.com, S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com.

Do it now. Don't I smell good, Tom? Yeah, no, you're right. But I love hearing about, like, Tom Papa with the hair grown out in college, smoking weed, barely passing at your shitty Jersey college. You know, like, once you go to school, something like that. Rider. Rider. Sounds so fake. His distinction is down the road from Princeton. It's proximity. We're close to a good school. We're Princeton adjacent. Yeah.

That's so funny. But I loved it. It was really, it was great. It was like, yeah, it was just a place to like kind of grow up a little bit. And then I went into the theater there. Oh, okay. And that's when I really realized I'm going to go live that life rather than, and it really was because I was in this place where I could be

You'd be the lead and all this stuff. Cool, yeah, yeah. And I remember one night there was a party. We had a house off campus, and we were having a big party, and I had like a dress rehearsal.

Or a show in the theater. And I remember going to Wawa to get a turkey sandwich after the show. And I was in there ordering, just kind of like that post-show, sweaty kind of thing. And I remember having no desire to rush to get to the party with all the friends I love. There was no rush. It was...

I did a show. I'm getting my food alone in this place. You know what I mean? Beautiful Wawa. You like have that feeling like I can live totally outside of what everyone else is doing. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm performing. I do get that the post show. I mean, the post show meal is one of the most beautiful things ever.

That's its own... If you feed that beast, it'll get larger and larger where it's not just a nice little sub and a moment to yourself. It's like, call the Chinese place, tell them they better fucking stay open, Eldest. I want dumplings, and I'm willing to pay top dollar. Yeah.

You know, it can get really, like, we're ordered by the end of the tour. Oh, my God. That last tour where it was like we were just ordering full ribeyes to the green room. It was like, it was once it was like, well, let's treat, it was like somebody's birthday. So we were like, oh, yeah, let's try this. And then it just became what we did every time. Where it's like, yeah, I need a fucking ribeye. We're getting every appetizer on the fucking thing. And I'm just like...

I mean, the real way to dial it in is to not eat after the show. Right. That's like if you really want to be healthy and try and lose weight, like you can't eat that late. Oh, that's crazy. You can't do it, but it's so sad. It's making me nervous. It's so sad. You saying that, I'm sweating right now. I know.

And it's like, I have to do that. I've been not eating after seven. Yeah. Like just right now. And I realized like the shows don't start till 7.30. So the idea that I would not

There's no reward at the end. And not eat anything is crazy. It's crazy. And I'm already doing that fat gymnastics where I'm like, well, I need my nutrients performing. I mean, I couldn't possibly not eat something. You know, I'm already giving myself an out for a tour that doesn't start for...

six months. I'm already laying the groundwork to fucking eat like a piece of shit. But I really knew at that moment, this is an alternative life. This is going to be carny folk. You're actually taking yourself out of what everyone else is doing. And I'm like, I can go do this. This would be cool. Totally. I love how meaningful that was for you, but what you were missing was like

smoking the shittiest weed and listening to Fog Hat. That's like, you're like, I was apart from the action. And it's like, you know, some shitty... On the same couch. No women. Listening to the bad, dead... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bootleg. Listening to a fucking Grateful Dead 8-track. Yeah.

Everyone's talking, the one woman who's like just realized she's the only girl there is like nervously trying to leave as everyone is taking their turns trying to fuck her and failing. A divorced neighbor who just kind of wandered in.

Drinking with college guys. Oh, man. We had some of the most pathetic college parties when I was... Yeah. It was so sad. It was like, no way. Nobody's getting close to me. You really just need the time. Unless you're smart and really going for it. My daughter was graduating and listening to what these kids studied and the awards they were getting. It's like, oh, my God. Their brains are so... I don't think they're better off. They're so smart. I don't think they're better off.

I mean, because I went to college with some of those kids too, right? Yeah. And I think if you don't hang out, hanging out is the part. That's the nice thing is like figuring out. I think for, I think those kids are going to get to 30 whatever. Yeah. And they're going to fucking have mental breakdowns, you know, where it's like. Or they're going to invent something that saves the planet. I don't think they are. You know what I mean? Yeah, baby. Like they're going to create AI or there's Google glasses or. No. Like.

They're not. You know what? They will, but to the detriment of who they are as human beings. Well, they're definitely not going to have as much fun as we're having. I mean, what is this, a Thursday afternoon? Yeah, you're right. You're right. We definitely have more fun. That's what I mean. For guys like us who aren't going to be like, you know, going down like the sciences or some kind of thing. Sure, sure, sure. College is just...

Give you four years to kind of get your act together. Yeah, true. And kind of grow up a little bit. Figure out who you are. You couldn't go from senior year out into the world. That's like... No, that's true. Right? That's true. You would have been a hot mess. I needed some socialization in general. Yeah. I think it just lets you...

I mean, I was also scared to talk to women. I was scared to make any pass. So just being around and going to parties and talking. I guess I'm projecting a little bit because I was a good student, and there's a part of me that if I didn't take the time to hang out, and I got kicked off campus for smoking weed. I got caught on campus. I'm pissed about that still. Yeah, I can tell. I'm 35, and I'm like...

You motherfuckers. You'll rue the day. But, like, if I hadn't done a little hanging out and realizing, like...

And I tried really hard to care about school. Like I was on scholarship. I had a 4.0 until my senior year. And then I, but I was going crazy. You were. Like I was like, and I was even in a relationship with a great girl, but it was like, she wanted to have a family. Like she went and she was very smart, super nice, great. If I, if that's the path I wanted to go down. Yeah. It would have been awesome. But I think it all just was like, I was like, I have good grades. Yeah.

I'm in a good relationship with a really smart woman. Yeah. And my family seems to be happy, and I want to fucking suck the exhaust out of the car directly. I want to suck off the exhaust pipe. It was just like...

It was suffocating? Just work and... Because this is who I actually am. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like going out and I was... I quit comedy for a little bit and I was like, let me see if I can do this. And yeah, it was just like... I did the same thing. I think I was capable of having not...

you know solving any crazy things but I was capable of like being a better person for society you know what I mean like and people say art is important yeah it is but come on I could have been a social worker I would have helped people's lives way more and more directly you know what I mean like I could have actually done something thankless and better for more people instead of

making me rich and famous. Like, yeah, when you're sad, you might throw on a special, but no comedian actually really gives a fuck about that. That's a fun bonus.

I'm not mad that that happens and having been depressed, I'm happy when I, you know, the art that got me through it is awesome and I'm thankful but it's like, for sure, you know, no filmmaker, no one really says, I just do it to make people smile. No, you do it because it's awesome because you can hang out with your friends and then like, yeah, all that other stuff is nice. So I don't know, that's kind of what I'm saying is like, I just feel like if you're on that path

and I went to that scholarship program where it was like they just drill you down they take all they see your potential and they help you and they make you do everything you can achieve but when it's just achievement and it's no like having a good time and just shooting the shit for four hours that's important when you're 19 I know I mean but that's what you that's what

That's kind of like what college afforded you. It was like the realization that that path, while seeming great, was so against your nature. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I did the same thing. I quit stand-up for a beat. Really? The girl I was with had some family stuff, and I was like, all right, I just got to... This was before Cynthia, you're saying. Yeah. Before you even moved to New York. Right. And I was like, I just got to...

I gotta make money and do the right thing and step up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I loved her and just wanted to do the right thing. And I've been doing stand-up for the beginning, very beginning, like two years maybe, a year and a half. And I was friends with Greg Giraldo at the time. And he would call me every day and be like, where are you? Why aren't you coming back? I'm like, I just got some shit I gotta do. Wow. I gained 20%.

25 pounds. I was just drinking shift beer every night with my buddies, playing Sega hockey. What was the job you had? My mother had an advertising agency and I was writing copy and stuff for her in suit

Suits, I bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joseph A. Bank. Ill-fitting Joseph A. Bank suits. Yeah, and it was so literally against my nature. Like, I didn't think it, but at a certain point, I remember going to my sister, like,

Am I even funny anymore? Yeah, yeah. I really was like, woof. I need to be in a windowless room with Kyle Dunnigan. And then I was thriving. The weight came off. The weight dropped. It was funny again. Yeah, yeah. It really... It was like that thing. I get it. It's like, it really...

It's out of your control. It's just not how you're built. Yeah. It's not your nature. And now you're ready to cruise into... I love Empty Nest or Tom. I can't wait to see it. It's going to be fun. I can't wait to see it. It's going to be fun. I want to see a big mustache. He's bought a lot of weed. He's not smoking a lot of it, but he's going...

You just keep stopping in and picking stuff up for later. I love it. I love it. We'll get there. I'm on a sober year, but when I'm back, we're going to get real fucked up, Tom. Real sober? Real sober for a full year. I turned 35 this year. I just want to take a little break. I realize when you think about it, you're like, I haven't been sober for a year since I was

You know what I mean? You're like, I think that would be good for me to do. And the year started in January? On my birthday, February 11th. February 11th.

2025. We'll be in the middle of the... Actually, the tour starts right after that. So maybe I shouldn't get super fucked. Yeah. Fuck. Maybe it needs to be... It's weird how we're going to have role reversal. I know. If I had known that, I would have come in here really lit up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eating cannolis high as fuck. That would have been awesome. That we should do. We should just switch it up. We should do a little Benjamin Button-ing. Yeah.

You take care of me once in a while. We'll do it. I come to you for sage advice. You say the word. You say the word. We'll throw you on the tour bus next year. That would be literally anytime you want. That would be so funny. It's like coming and crashing with your kids on the couch. That'd be like you going to your daughter's first New York apartment and being like,

All right, I'm here. Let's fucking party. She's like, Dad, I have to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy!

Ripping a grab bong. You're welcome anytime to act. To be as high as I was in Denver, remember that? When I got so high, I accidentally took your room. And then I was so high, I was like, I took the better room. He's going to fucking fire me. I was like, I fell asleep. My phone, I was too high to get it to charge because it was like a broken thing. So my phone, because this was Denver when you could first...

This is how old we are for kids. When you couldn't get edibles, so I got to Denver. It just got legal. And you were like... I got Denver four hours before you. And in those four hours, I got so high, I accidentally took your better room. My phone wouldn't charge. And me and my three friends were all just crashing in your room. In the green room before the show. You were so high.

so high. I was like, what's up, Tom? They were just like all kind of like, it wasn't fun anymore. They were all just kind of twitching like little frightened rabbits. We were scared, dude. It was like the farmer came into the rabbit hole. Oh,

Dude, and I was so high. And then my friends were next level high. Because I at least was like, hey, guys, I have a show to do. I got to chill. And they're like, we're good, man. Oh, that was. So you're welcome anytime to come on the tour. Yeah, I want to be the friend and buddy. Do a guest spot. Yeah. High as shit. I'm sure I did horrible. Yeah.

I'm sure I barely got through those seven minutes. I want someone to come up and whisper in your ear, I don't know if Tom can go on. Oh, my God. Dude, I was clinging. It was Denver Comedy Works, so they had more comics. I think I was doing shorter than I usually did. Usually I would have been mad, but that night I was like...

Thank God I only have to do 15. And that if somebody told me I had to do 15 in one second, I would have had a mental breakdown. I was like, well, it was so insane. I mean, it literally was just legal. Yeah. And you were like stunned. You were like, we just went in and we bought it. And there was a cop and he just waved at us.

That was so fucking awesome. Yeah. We'll do it. We'll do that. We'll do that this year, man. Come get high. But we need to give these people some of your sage fatherly advice, Tom. Yeah, I love that. Eldest, why don't we play a call? I'm eating focaccia with olives on it. Have a little focaccia. Take your nourishment. Anything you want to plug here in the halfway point of the pod? Well, my podcast, my Breaking Bread podcast. Breaking Bread. Yeah, we...

We've had a lot of great guests coming up, and it's really been growing. I love it. Yeah, it's been really cool. Yeah, check it out. Next time I'm in L.A., I've got to do it. Go look at Breaking Bread. Go see Tom on the Road. He's got a ton of specials out there. Watch Behind the Candelabra with your mother like I did. Enjoy his— When does this air?

We don't even fucking know because they're so... You're ahead. I'm taking the summer off, basically. So we're trying to get through the middle of August. Nice. So this could be anywhere. Probably July or August, probably. Where do we have it on the thing? Summertime. Summertime, yeah. I don't know. It's looking like August. Okay. And by the way, it is August, folks. What?

It's looking like the day before it came out is when we recorded it. So crazy what Trump just did. That's smart. Wow, Biden was pretty incoherent the last public speech he gave, huh? Recently? Who knew that Newsom was going to do that?

I had to ditch that shirt because it wasn't as comfortable as my true classics t-shirts that are currently in the wash.

That's right, folks. I love True Classic shirts. It's a struggle for me as a plus-size boy to find a t-shirt that isn't... There's two things. It's either long as hell, you're looking like Peter Pan, or it's wide as hell. And True Classic tees are one of the only products I've found that allows me to look good for some premium basics...

that don't cost a lot of money. It can be done, but you're gonna spend a lot of, a pretty penny. Not with True Classic Tees. And I'm excited to try their joggers, their pullovers. They have a whole line of incredibly comfortable clothes that I'm gonna, I've been fucking with the t-shirts.

I can't wait to get into the rest of them. And if you're an odd-sized gentleman like me or just a regular guy who wants to get beautiful fitting clothes, check out True Classics right now. You can unlock big savings when you bundle items site-wide. Just go to my exclusive link at trueclassic.com to save. That's trueclassic.com. Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today.

Alright, hit us with a question here, Eldis. What's going on, Stav? What's going on, Eldis? I just left a message, but I feel like I can add a little more context. So look, my question is, basically I've been on and off with my baby mother for about seven years. We just are not...

We're not really that compatible. As much as we want to be, we had a kid together, and I know that she wants to make it work, but I have my own place now. I moved out, and I kind of got my own life now. We went through a messy custody battle over my daughter, and it really just caused us to talk very minimally. We were just talking to make sure, basically just make sure things with my daughter are good.

and just recently um you know we kind of reconnected and a couple times and i think now it's kind of gotten into her head where she thinks that like we're gonna kind of work this thing out for our kid and get back together but i have absolutely no intention of doing that um and yeah she basically asked me if we could go on a vacation out of the country together with our daughter and as

And as much as I want to do it, I'm feeling like it's probably not the best idea. But at the same time, it's like, I know I can regulate my feelings and go on this trip and not come back feeling like, oh, let's get our family back. That's not in the book for me, you know? So I guess I'm really, the question is coming from like my regard to how, you know, the outcome, is it even worth it? Because I know she's probably going to think that after this trip, it's going to be like a, you know,

I don't know that things are just going to change and we'll magically get back together. Um, yeah. So what do you think? Is it a good idea? Like me and her? Not at all. I was,

Let me know, pal. I'll tell you about that. This is fucking... The mental gymnastics a man will do to get pussy from a woman that he likes fucking is insane. It's like, dude, she's getting the wrong idea that I want to get back together with her. All I've done is fuck her a few times and seriously consider going on a...

international vacation with her. And our daughter. And our daughter. It's like, dude, you're doing family things. Like, she's asking you to be in a family and if you go on this vacation, you're basically like, okay, yeah. Yeah, and telling your daughter, like, there's hope here. Right, right, right. Maybe I'll be around more. That's the other thing. It's your daughter, man. It's like, it's one thing to treat...

You know, your ex poorly. That's a fucked up thing to do too. Yeah. But like treating your kid, getting your kid's hopes up because you're like, now look, me, I know, I know I can handle going on this vacation and then immediately going back to fucking other women. Right. But my wife and child, ah,

I don't know if they're strong enough mentally like I am. Like, the way you're shifting this is hilarious. Yeah. You're being a piece of shit. I hate to say it to you, buddy. Like, it's... Look...

I've never been one of these, you know, on again, off again with a kid situations. I'm sure emotionally it can get fraught. And I feel like it happens quite a bit where people do kind of have an ill-advised hookup here and there. That's not good, but it's not the end of the world. As long as you're, he's being very clear to us.

I doubt he's being this clear to his ex. You know what I mean? Oh, when he hooked up, it was like, oh, we just did it a couple more times. I'm sure he was saying some things that led her to believe, like, oh, maybe we should go on vacation together. Right, right, right. Exactly, exactly. And then when they're cuddling up, watching a movie in the hotel with the daughter in between them, she'll be like...

This is so great. Yeah, right, right. I wish it could be like this all the time. Yeah, he's like, oh, what the fuck? We're gonna ruin a good time. We're just on vacation together. We're not getting back together. Yeah, and in that scenario, he's like texting on the side of the other girls. He's gonna see when he gets back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, dude, you can't do this. You can't... And again, just for your kid, but also just you got to keep the communication clear because...

Clearly things are messy here. I mean, you said you had a custody battle. Yeah. And then, like, of course, this woman. Battle. Yeah, right. This woman, if she knew your intentions, right, like, you seemed to be, you couldn't have talked it out. It's like, it went from you needed lawyers to now you're going on vacation, and you don't think that's sending a weird message to her? Yeah.

You can't go on this... You cannot go on this vacation. And in fact, you have to be very clear with her at some point. Just for... And honestly, mostly for your kid. Yeah. Because you don't want her... You have to have a functional co-parenting relationship with this woman. And you will hurt her feelings. You already have kind of laid the groundwork for hurting her feelings. But you have to like... Seven years of it. Right, right, right, right, right. You have to hurt them once and for all. And then say...

I don't, if you have no intention of like dating, be like, look, whatever. I really care about you. I want to be the best dad I can to our kid. I don't think what we have here is healthy.

I think it's for the best if we don't hook up, if we don't go on vacation, if we focus on being friends and co-parenting our daughter together. Exactly. That's what you have to do. You have to stop sleeping with her. Totally, totally. Just be the guy. Be the father. Exactly. And the acquaintance. Yes, absolutely. And when you go through dry spells and no one else is having sex with you.

You don't get to then... You don't, no. You don't get to send her an old picture and be like, I miss this. Yeah, exactly. Hey, I'm thinking Disney. Yeah. How about you?

Oh, man, this fucking guy. It's just so funny to hear the delusion in his voice. I'm like, now look, I know what's going on here, but she doesn't. As if that's her fault. As if she doesn't because you're lying to her. Yeah, and she probably is taking care of the kid all the time. Yeah, yeah, tough, bro. So, yeah, you can't do this, bro.

You cannot. No, no vacation. No vacation, no sleeping with her. No fucking your baby moms if you don't want to get back together. No kissing on the lips. No, no, you can get rid of it on the cheek. That's it. That's as far as we're willing to sanction. Savvy baby, what's going on, man? How's it going, Eldest and esteemed guests? I got a question for you guys today. I've been struggling with this for a little bit. I don't know.

What to think about this scenario that I'm in. I've been dating this girl for about a year, year and a half, but we've been on and off. It's been kind of rocky. When I met her, she was leaving a 10-year-long marriage. She'd been married to this guy since she was like 17 or 18 or something like that. Jesus Christ. 18. She left him because she was...

She had been struggling with addiction, and she was also, like, serially cheating on him. Wow. Addiction to... She has made it very clear to me that, like, that's not something she's interested in doing anymore. She can't handle the kind of guilt from doing those kind of things. So what's happening, what's been happening recently is she's been having dreams that she's cheating on me with somebody else.

Um, she didn't want to tell me about these at first, but it was kind of a teacher up, and so she ended up telling me... That's brutal. Alright, keep going. ...what was going on, and like, I don't know how to feel. Like, is she, you know, should I be concerned, or should I feel like this is okay because she feels guilty enough that she wants to tell me, um, that she feels bad that she's having these dreams. You know, I don't, I don't really know.

Any and all advice would be great. You know, she's speaking of the, you know, talking about the addiction thing. She's, she's not using anymore. She's had something like Adderall for a while. Her and I went through a bit of a Coke binge phase, but I've been cleaning up for that too. Yeah.

She kind of is as well. So any and all advice would be great. Thanks, Savi. I love the show. I hope I don't sound like a dumbass. Don't work me to shreds, please. Thanks. Bye. Wild. A lot of stuff's going on here, bro. It's so complicated. So much going on. I'd say go to Wisconsin and start over. Yes.

This is too much, dude. She's going to cheat. Get out now. Stop drinking. Go to a rehab in Wisconsin. Tom's right. Enjoy the lakes for the summer. Start getting new identity. Go to trade school. Meet a girl whose idea of going nuts is like she eats a little too much cheese. Yeah.

Yeah, but... What's he asking ultimately? I don't know, honestly. I mean, just... I guess he claims to ask, what do I do? I don't know. Any and all advice. He doesn't really have a question, right, Elders? It seems like the top question is probably, I don't know, should he be worried about the cheating dreams or something? Well, here's what I will say, right? Anyone who...

Yeah. Is married at 18. Clearly not ready for that. Yeah. Copes with that with an addiction and like serially cheating. And then you get, then immediately starts dating you.

We're joking about starting over, but it's like, this is probably a person that needs to fucking... A little more self-reflection, right? Like, needs to... It's good that she kicked the habit, obviously. Like, that's big. But it sounds like she's still doing Adderall and drinking and, like, I've abused both of those things. And you're doing your cocaine. Yeah, yeah. And you're off coke now, I think. There used to be. They went through a coke phase. Mm-hmm.

But you can still get plenty fucked up on Adderall and drinking for sure. Is that a combo? You mix them? I used to take Adderall as kind of like cocaine because I didn't really like cocaine. I didn't trust cocaine.

random cocaine. It just was like hit or miss for me. And I was too fat for my heart. I was always worried about it. So I would, when I would go out and party all night, I would just be like, it just makes you be able to stay up and smoke weed. Yeah. Yeah. I would smoke a lot of weed and it would put me to sleep. So I would take Adderall. So I did that, you know, so it's easy to abuse those things as well. And that's what I mean. The dreams, it's like,

Yeah, I don't know, man. Maybe she does want to cheat. And by the way, maybe she just shouldn't be in a fucking relationship right after a 10-year-long dysfunctional relationship. Maybe this is someone who never really got to be young, right? Yeah. The way she wanted to because she was in a marriage which...

Anyone who gets married at 18, something fucked up happens there. You know, I don't know. It's either like an... Best case scenario, it's an arranged marriage. Worst case scenario, it's like some kind of weird psychological, like, you just vengali control over a child. Who wants to marry an 18-year-old? That's insane. Hopefully, it's another 18-year-old. Hopefully, it's not some weird... High school sweetheart. That's the best you can hope for. But even then, it's weird, right? So... So young. Um...

If this, and if you're really committed to making this relationship work from the, like, from our little bird's eye view perch here, it feels like the kind of thing that,

There's a lot going on. He didn't even get into his own issues, right? Like, he's also in that coke binge phase. I know. He's still drinking. And whatever we're saying about her is probably true of you. You might need to figure your shit out, too. You're the kind of person that gets into a relationship with somebody who just got done a decade of sucking dick on the side and doing pills. Ouch. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, listening to this alone. No judgment. Sounds like a fun 10 years. I myself have taken pills and tried to get as much pussy as possible. I know it's a fun time, but I'm just saying no one was rushing to date me after that while I was in that zone, you know? Right. And so I think you guys have some stuff to deal with here and to get out and

And, like, it's good that she kicked the habit, but it's unclear how much you're drinking, right? Adderall can be a problem. Is she abusing it? It's possible. And so I would say the only real thing here, especially if we don't want to, say, break up, start over, move to a new town, is, like, hopefully you're both in therapy. Hopefully she's definitely in therapy. Because she's... At the very least, she needs to figure out what is the root cause of these dreams. Yeah. You know? And, like, her guilt...

She might have, you know, who knows where a guilt thing comes from. Cheating could come from, like, if you have a weird guilt complex, like, from your childhood, it can be the thing that's, like, if you got attention when you got in trouble, who knows, right? Like, and we don't know. We don't know that, you know, we don't know if this was a fucked up relationship and she just wanted a way out. Like, we still don't, we don't really have the context here, right? Yeah, and there needs to be other, like, all we're talking about is cheating, right?

And drugs. Right. It's like, what else do you guys have as a couple that's giving you, like, how about hiking? Right.

Right, right, right. Or like we're like working at a dog shelter together. Like you need something else that you can start to structure your life around because this like will we, won't we fuck around on each other or do drugs with or without each other. Right. You've got to break that. That's a bad base of a relationship. Yeah. Like take all that stuff away. What is it based on? Right. You know?

Did they say how long they've been together? They might not really love each other. That's another thing. I would say the dreams itself wouldn't be that much of a red flag, especially if she's being open about it. True. He said they've only been together for a year, and he said it's been on and off and kind of rocky. It's like a year should be the on part of a longer on and off relationship. Oh, that's a great point. A year on and off, and she's having dreams of cheating on you, which, by the way, on and off means...

you basically cheated. Right? Like, on and off means like we weren't technically dating so when I fucked someone else we were off. Right, exactly. It's like, I'm sure you would have preferred you were just on. Yeah. So, you're on and off with all this shit. Yeah. Ah. Yeah. Tough, brother. I'm telling you, the winters are rough but Wisconsin is like... It's beautiful people. Young, fresh faces. The tourism board of Madison. Yeah.

You get a nice canoe. Fly fishing's big. The cheese curds are nice. Cheese curds are nice. Good bakeries all throughout the country. Great club down there. Frank Lloyd Wright Convention Center down there in Madison. It's beautiful. Packers. It's like almost a religion. You got it all, brother. Good luck. Ooh, man. Year on again off against tough. Yeah, that's a great point.

What do we got, Eldis? Hey, Stavian friends. You mentioned my big fat Greek wedding once. I just wanted to ask, what is your opinion on how the movie portrays Greek culture? Because I've kind of really enjoyed it. Yeah.

Thanks, bro. How are you doing? Interesting. Great movie. Big hit. I believe it's the highest grossing independent romantic comedy ever. Of all time. It was crazy. I mean, Nia Vardalos, a legend. Um,

It's pretty close. I remember when I first saw it, I was just annoyed that Joey Fatone was in it because he's Italian. When I was like a kid, you know? But having grown up and being in the entertainment industry, there's not that many Greek actors. And he does have a similar look, but...

The cousin thing she nailed, like everybody being named Nick George. I literally grew up with four Bills. They were all cousins. It's like Little Bill, Bill P., Fat Bill, Bill D. Those were my friends. She really nails a lot of it. The one thing, the fact that the dad...

taking everything back to Greek culture. We were just talking about it. We're like Greeks talking about how Sicily was Greek first and they're literally talking about 4,000 years ago. That was spot on. The one thing that was minorly annoying when it first came out was the Windex thing, which was clearly a quirk of her father or just something specific to her family. I did get Windex

jokes a lot. It was a huge hit. But the movie, I mean, it was a great... No, I mean, the Windex part of the movie was like that. You heard that all the time. Yeah, yeah. And that was confusing. It was very funny. But hilarious. Yeah. But I guess if you weren't Greek, you'd be like, oh, I guess Greeks love Windex. Right. It's like, not really. It wasn't really like a big... I think that's just her dad. I will say, I'm Albanian and my grandma, like, we didn't spray Windex on cuts or anything, but she used that as carpet cleaner. She cleaned the windows with it. We're talking about Greeks here, Eldish.

Nice try. Nice try trying to weasel your way into a superior culture and people, but it doesn't matter. Um,

But pretty close. So you thought it was a pretty good representation. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got a feeling of, I mean, that's what being Greek is like. And there's a reason it was that successful a movie. If they didn't nail it, because it was like truly a phenomenon out of nowhere. And I think the reason is it nailed Greek culture, but then also just like

It nails just immigrant stuff in general where it's like, even if we have different quirks, you see... Like, that is what it's like. The whole family showing up. The family thing. Like, it is really... It really translates across cultures. Yeah, for sure. And I think a lot of... That's what I've learned growing up, too, is like, I get along really well with a lot of first-generation immigrants from everywhere. Right. You know? From, like... It doesn't matter where. It's like...

That is a unique experience that, and you know, America is a nation of immigrants. And so it's like, it really, I think that's why it crushed it so hard. But Nia, come on the pod. Dream guests, actually. We got to start. We got to make that happen. I ran into her in a chicken wing place during the Super Bowl. You should have plugged the pod. Yeah.

Yeah, she's the best. She's really great. And that was her story. Like, didn't she start it as like a one person show for a while? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... Oh, no, that's the other thing. As a success story of like entertainment, it's like, that's...

like beautiful. It's like, she worked so hard on it. She, it is her story. It is basically like what her life, it's based on her life. And like, she worked it, she worked it as a, I think one woman show, um, worked the kinks out and then like got, you know, didn't Tom Hanks come in? Yeah, it was, um, it was, yeah. Cause, uh, uh,

his wife. Yeah, Rita Wilson's Greek. So, so she saw, I think she saw the one, the one woman show or the stage product, whatever it was. It was some kind of thing that she was working out. She was like, this is great. And so that's it. It's like work on something good over and over again, instead of like trying to figure, but then sometimes I worry about, I mean, every generation things change, but,

like people are probably putting a lot of effort into like social media stuff right now. But that's a great example of just like make something good as shit. I know. And it's the same thing with like, you see, I mean, Rocky's kind of like that, the Stallone thing. Chaz Palminteri, it's almost exactly, you know, that was a one, Bronxdale was a one man show. Yeah. So just like that's as a, but she was particularly like,

Just working on her shit and just figuring it out. And that's cool because it can be really tough, you know, when you like, you know, especially like we talk about, again, stand up. We're lucky that our threshold for what's acceptable is so low. Right. Because we could be like, I'll just go do stand up. But it does give you something to do. Yeah. Whereas actors, it's like you just kind of have to wait. And so she made her own thing and it was fucking hilarious. Amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, it got Greek people out to the art... They were showing it at the Art House Theater in Baltimore. It was the first time any of those uncultured Greeks had ever been there. We took over the Charles that day. Hit us with another one, Big LD. LD. Yo, Stav. So, I'll go right to it, Chase. I've been with my girlfriend for about... Coming up on a year and a half now. It's great. Like, I absolutely love her. Amazing. Uh...

Uh-oh. Whoa. Passenger road rage. It's like beef. Interesting.

So I just don't know what's going on. I don't know if that's her one place to get everything out. I wish that it was a less dangerous place to get everything out. But, I mean, I just want to kind of talk to her and maybe see if she's interested in therapy. I don't even know if she...

I mean, I'm sure she realizes that she does this to some extent, but, like, I don't know if she's, like, super aware of how it makes me feel and stuff like that. So I just want to, you know, see what this is about, I guess, and maybe see if she'd be willing to, like,

talk to someone about it. Maybe me or a therapist. I don't know. I don't know if it's like deep-seated rage issues or something like that. He really is. You can hear how tentative his voice is. Yeah.

she honks a lot and she'll stomp on her brakes and stuff like that trying to fuck people over and cut people off it's pretty intense i don't want her to get shot 40 times by some fucking crazy person or get me shot 40 times so i mean you know i don't how do i bring this up with her thanks bob hmm

That's interesting. This level of out-of-nowhere road rage is interesting because I will admit that sometimes it bubbles up for me because I have anger problems, right? Like, that's something I've worked on. Like, my family, you know, you just come from a... You kind of come from anger and violence. Like, it does come out. And I will say...

it will come out and, and I don't, I don't cut people off. I don't like stomp on the brakes, but I, I feel myself getting fucking pissed on the road, especially if I'm running late, you know, it's compounded by that stuff. But so to me, this does feel like a little bit of an iceberg thing where it's like, there's the road rage at the tippy top that you can see. And underneath there might be some fucking real rage issues. Yeah. Um, you guys ever have any, you have any road rage? I'm not that bad with it. Uh,

My father it is. My father is, my kids would imitate, when they were little, they would imitate my father driving. He's going, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead. He says it as soon as he puts the car in reverse out of the driveway. Dickhead.

You see beef, Ali Wongs? I haven't seen it yet, actually, no. I would say start there. Watch that with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she has road rage. Ali has road rage. And this other guy has road rage. And you're right. There's real undercurrent of stuff that they're not aware of that is really...

eating them up and they don't even they don't acknowledge it and they're freaking out and they become obsessed with each other and they start like fighting with each other yeah yeah it's I would just pop that on the first episode really and just be like it would be a great way to break the ice with her yeah yeah yeah yeah that's interesting yeah um you do you ever enrage

Not really. I'm more of a, like, I'm on my phone a lot when I drive. That's a pretty bad habit. You cause road rage? That is true. You set the light looking down. It's fucking annoying when Elders just be, like, driving straight looking at his phone trying to find the right song. It's not even, like, anything important. Sometimes I do get annoyed when I'm in the fast lane on the highway and, like...

Someone's behind me and I'm like, okay, the speed limit's 65. I'm already, like, going fucking 80 and they're still, like, antsy to pass me. So when they try to pull that shit, I'm like, that just annoys me. So I'm trying to be ahead. You have a fucking Yaris. You shouldn't be in the fucking fast lane. Your car is shaking at 80 miles an hour. It's not meant to have that...

You alone almost pushed it to the limit. When me and you are both driving in it, it's fucking impossible. The car is this far off the ground. That actually, now you literally are the person who gives me road rage. Because get the fuck out of the way!

80, your car can't go further. My fucking car can do 85. Why do I have to fucking get stopped at 80? Because of fucking you, Eldest. Get to the right. Get to the fucking right. Pop over when you see me. And here's the thing. When I'm going at my limit and there's someone cruising behind me, like a gentleman, I go to the fucking right. I don't fucking slow everybody down because I'm a prick in my shitty Toyota. You know what I'm saying, Eldest? I do too. I just hate when someone's really on my nuts. It's

like give me a little distance here. Sure when you give me too many flashes it's like I see what's going on. And you have no chance to even get over to the right yet. It's like let me get around this guy. Then you might trigger an eldest response from me where now I'm going to be like oh really.

I was going to do this, but I guess you have to swerve four lanes to pass me now, you fucking idiot. So yeah, clearly we all know road rage pretty well. Eldest just describing his annoying habits kind of got me worked up. My friend's father, I remember in high school, he would, because my father was so volatile behind the wheel and my buddy's

father was just so like chill and he would let all those assholes around yeah it was just like it's kind of mellow which is how you should be by the way which is how you should it doesn't matter you're we're talking about max you're saving three minutes exactly max exactly it's great on a short drive you're not it's different on a road trip maybe but what's the matter yeah anyway sorry yeah no you're right it's just there's no sense to it but if it's hard to like and i'll try and

Conjure up that zen... It's hard, though. Driving and just kind of like to be chill. But there's so many violent assholes out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you literally... When you feel threatened... Yeah. You feel like lashing out. Totally. It's... Yeah, it's tricky. And it's also... There is a... There is an element here of like gender politics where you almost... I wonder if this is for him where it's like...

You don't want your girlfriend to think you're a pussy. Do you know what I mean? Where it's like, where you're like, Hey, like if flip the genders here, it's actually kind of an easy fix where it's like, you're making me feel unsafe. You're being like, if a girlfriend ever told that to me and I felt like an idiot when I've had people in the car and I've behaved that way. It's like, that really makes you feel like a fucking dumb ass. And if I've ever had a,

a girlfriend say something, I would be like, this is my anger. I am a fucking idiot. I need to chill. But like, he's in there with like a woman that he just kind of doesn't want to be like,

You're scaring me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, babe, I don't feel safe right now. And it's true. He's not being unrealistic. But even me saying it. He's afraid of getting shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't want her to get shot. He doesn't want to get shot. So I think you just kind of have to let her know. You have to communicate this. It's pretty funny to bring that up. Really? Why don't you check this out? It's a great example of the whole pilot.

It's such a great example of road rage and then seeing what, oh no, this goes deeper. Yeah. I mean, that is a little bit of the danger here. Totally. Is that... What's lurking underneath? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to pick at that scab. Drawing that ire. Right. It could be... But it sounds like it's a cool relationship. But she's reasonable in every other way. Yeah, that sounds like it's working really well. Because the thing with road rage that I think is that no, you're just allowed to feel it. You know what I mean? Like you're usually in the car by yourself and...

And I think a lot of times people have no other outlet. Yeah. You can't really yell at anyone. Yeah. You know what I mean? Especially in America today, it's like, you can't lose your job. You're fucked. Right. You know what I mean? Like, you can't yell at a boss. You can't yell at a client, whatever it is. So, like... Kickboxing. Yeah, exactly. Unless you have some...

I feel like a lot of people... A lot of people just commute and go to sleep and go to work. And it's like... So, I don't know. What were you going to say, Aldous? I think a place he could start, too, is like... Yeah, it's one thing if you just have road rage on your own when you're driving. But like...

Her being in the passenger seat and honking the horn when he's driving. That's insane. That's crazy. That's too much. I think that's a great way to open the conversation and be like, hey, could you not do that? See, but the thing is, he's already let it slide. Like,

She's clearly alphaing him here. You know what I mean? He's let it slide a couple times. Imagine somebody doing that to you. Imagine your girlfriend. You'd be like, what the fuck is your problem? Are you crazy? That's your immediate reaction. He's just kind of... He has just kind of swallowed this a couple times. But you know what? I think you're right. I think even still, the best time to have the conversation is immediately when it happens. The second best time is like...

as soon as you can do it. Yeah. So the quicker you do this, the better. Another way to go is take her for a ride and you lose your shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like really go nuts. She gets fucking so horny. She's like, yeah, babe. Finally. Let's get it. She's got a gun. She's like, I've been waiting for this. Pfft. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

She gives him the best that she's ever given. He's like, all right, let's have a road race. She starts sucking his cock. And he's like, hey, babe, from then on, you want to go for a ride? I'll drive. Oh, fuck. Well, good luck, buddy. You're dealing with a potential lunatic here, but we believe in you. How about one more good one for the road, Elders? What do you think? You got something for us?

What's up, guys? This is one of the Philly Airplane Brothers. He posted a couple years ago. Which they've already called in before. I know, they've called in before. I remember them. First time calling in.

Listen, so I'm a professional musician, and every couple of years I have to deal with a heckler out of the audience. Sure. Do you have any advice on how to deal with that? Also, just keep in mind that as a musician, you're sort of trying to nurture unity and bring people together. So it's humiliating. What the fuck am I trying to do? It's a really bad look. Thanks a lot. Is it?

Is it really a bad look if someone's being a dickhead? Yeah. I don't know. And you get the whole crowd to turn against them. Yeah, that's so fun. Seems like justice. They're being the dickhead by heckling you. How do you deal with a heckler as a musician? Well, the thing musicians have that I am jealous of is that you can just...

Play your fucking instrument. Yeah, volume. Just crank it on them. Like, I don't understand. I guess he's probably playing some acoustic shit or something. Right. I think they said they were jazz musicians if I remember the clip correctly. Oh, so they should be heckled. Who heckles? Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Well, that's the other thing. It's like, what are we talking about here? If you're a jazz musician who's at a place where you can get heckled, you got to get better gigs, brother. If people aren't wearing suits listening to you, if you're at the corner of a seafood restaurant and some guy wants you to stop playing the fucking oboe so he can just watch the hockey game, you know what I mean? Nice suit suit. Yeah.

Boo. Boo. Shut the fuck up. Let's go, Rangers. Somebody play some Jimmy Buffett. I didn't come here to listen to this shit. Yeah, I mean, I'd love to. We're trying to create unity. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I know. I know. It's the nurture unity and bring people together. It's like, yeah, shut the fuck up. Sounds like he's playing in the quad. Well, look, man, you didn't really get the advice you wanted, but it was fun. Yeah.

But we're having a really good time. That's what's important. Boo. Yeah, man. Good luck out there. You know, hopefully you're... Okay, Coltrane.

Thanks for coming to the show. Hope to see you boys in Philly next time. Good luck. Tom, thanks for coming, man. This was so fun. So great. Yeah, really fun. Thank you. Anytime you want to come back, let us know. Always the best. I'm going to leave the cannolis in the fridge, and what happens to them happens to them. Eldest, you're going to have to take them out of the house. Sure, maybe I'll see what's up. Yeah. All right, Tom, thanks again, guys. Listen to Breaking Bread with Papa, and we will talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

*laughs*