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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. What a beautiful couch we have today. Two of my favorite guys on the planet. Comedy, no comedy. I love being with these two beefy boys. Welcome to Rebound Central. Let's go. The front court is here. Super.
Scrapping. What is this, Purdue in 98? Boston Celtics, 86. Ah, sharp elbows. Rebounds. We'd be a nice NBA street team, dude. I'm the small stocky point guard. I'm throwing you guys. Or we look like a sick, remember the original Nintendo ice hockey? No. Where we're like the two tall skinnies and then you're just fucking whipping slapshots. Yeah, missing a dude. Wayne Gretzky's 3D hockey. How's that end? I love it. You're like one of the rappers who has like the coach of a team at the Rucker. Yeah. Yeah.
We're like the two white guys who are playing in the tournament. Oh, yeah, dude. I love it. You went and scouted a fucking mid-major. You got two big whites. Oh, yeah. With your spinning chain. Well, you delivered my milk one day, and I was like, I'm sorry, son. You ever play ball? I go, well, not since father lost the farm. I just sit outside and just shoot my three-pointers. How'd you like to get an education at University of Alabama? Yeah.
He said it was a game for homos. He said, don't get close to black sweat.
You're our Nick Nolte. You're like, hell, Ricky didn't even want it. Goddamn tractor. You're throwing away the greatest thing in your life. Turnstile basketball. I would love to. I would love to be a crooked NCAA coach. You look like one. Yeah, I could right now for sure. Yeah, you got it. Oh, yeah, dude. I look like I would be. Yeah, let me bring back a.
L.A. or Vegas. Let me be the new Tarkesian. You look like at an expensive seafood dinner you have a name like Dravan pop up on your phone. I gotta take this. This is a kid out of South Central. You're like a son to me. What's up, dog? Listen, what, your mother's driving a broken down Accord? How'd you like it to be a Lexus?
Your daddy's not getting out for seven years. Yeah. I fuck half the recruits' moms. I have to move back to Greece. There's too many ex-cons want to kill me. A black lady with pink nails running her fingers in your chest hair.
Oh, yeah, dude. Nothing like getting jerked off with a hand that has a nail longer than your hard dick. Something about that palm tree on your middle finger is about to make me bust. The phone rings. You push her away out of the bed. You pick up the phone. It's like, what? DeAndre's committing to UCLA. I'll be on the next flight. Don't sign anything!
Don't.
Don't sign last week. I'll talk to the people at the condo. We'll get the condo this week. Suck me. I got to call my guys. Suck me. I need to calm down. You always work here. I worked for a guy like that for one weekend. He was licensed by FIBA. He was a sports agent. It was the most pathetic experience of my entire life. What was he doing? Just on the phone greasing young men? No, it was in person. He ran this camp where he was trying to get jobs playing ball overseas.
And he was like, yeah, you know, you get your tape on my website. I get 200,000 monthly visitors. It's like, that's not accurate by four digits. I'm going to get you signed to the Afghan bandits. I don't want to move to Afghanistan. Can you smuggle opium? Are you pretty good with an AK-47? Well, son, welcome to the Persian basketball league.
Listen, the situation's pretty fluid on the ground, but you could be playing starting power forward next week. I got boots on the ground down there, and they are saying that things have cleared up. You're playing for the Rafa Allstars. Ha ha ha!
A deal's a deal, baby. A deal's a deal. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, I would love a career. There's so many beautiful ways my life could have gone. I would love that job. I'm a people person. I like making a pitch. Driving around East Baltimore just like, hey, let's make a jump shot. Something about the squeaks of tennis shoes makes my cock hard. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I love this game. I do love hoops. That's true. Well, look, the riffs are going to flow like wine on this episode, but we should say our beautiful boy. Now, Soda's had a great special out that's been out for a while on the road. It's already amassed 1.8, I believe, last time I checked. Must watch. It's so fucking funny. Honestly, my favorite special that's come out this year. What, 45 minutes just straight heat? 38 all killer, no filler, no preservatives. Yeah, dude. Farm to table, baby. Yeah.
I don't know how to talk myself up. It's so good, yeah. It's a cow. How bad is self-promotion? It's so funny. Go watch it. We're going to give you an experiment with self-esteem throughout this. Let's get it up to two mil. Self-esteem camp? Yeah. What do you got, Dan? Watch out. Because I told some jokes. I didn't say ask a question. I said brag, Daniel. It's...
It's pretty good. I think the next one's going to be better. No, shut up. That's a breakthrough. That's a breakthrough. It's so funny. He's literally being honest now. It's so good. Fuck you. Great special. Go watch it. And our own beautiful boy here at Stabby Baby Enterprises, J.P. McDade, is putting out a special this week. July 17th. J.P. McDade in Brooklyn.
Yes. We were there, the beautiful Bell House. It's our first production. Eldest was working cameras. Yes, Swiss Army knife over there. It was awesome. It was great to see Benny Budcheeks, the consigliere of Stavi Baby Enterprises. He was on the monitor from L.A. working out shots of...
We had Joey Malinsky, very talented Baltimore videographer, shot the whole thing. He was hooked up like one of those, like when they have the camera on the pitcher coming out of the bullpen, that crazy-ass motion-smoothing rig. It was a high-impact situation. It was beautiful. Plus the bell house rules. That's a great place to fucking film. Yeah, I love the bell house. Great special. Do you remember when I did your show at the bell house and it flooded? Oh, my God.
and they were and Staub put me on last and I was like cool whatever and they let me and I'm like I'm five minutes into this set and I'm doing good why are they lighting it and then I look down and water was coming through the door and it's the most comic thought I've ever had in my life I went I can get one more in
The Bell House is known for its quirks, right? Because you had the flood and then in the second show of my taping, the lights malfunctioned like seven or eight times. It was insane. He's cooking. He's fucking crushing, right? And I was like, hell yeah. I'm lighting a victory cigar. I'm like, we got it in the bag, baby. And then the lights go down and they go down and they come back up. And I'm like, oh, that was weird. Somebody must have hit a fucking button. And then it happened like eight times.
No. In the middle of his fucking set. We didn't know what the fuck to do. I was like, free riffs, baby. Let's cook. But it was fucking wild. That flood was hilarious, though, too. That was fucking... I mean, people were trapped. Dude, that was wild. Rosebud was on that show, and she's like, my Uber says he's around the corner. I was like, can I ride with you? And she was like, yeah. We got out there. The water was up to our knees. And the Uber was there. He's like, ah, ah. And she just opened the door, and we jumped in. And the guy's like, no, no.
There was water coming in, and we drove. It was fucking wild. Did you get out? Last chopper out of Saigon, brother. I was hanging on the fucking end of that thing. But there was, we saw a guy on the BQE that was going down with water going into his windows. Holy shit. It was fucking insane. You need a rosebud in that situation. This is not a negotiation. We're getting out of here. She was her grandfather's granddaughter on that. I don't take no for an answer.
I got people that'll send you back to whatever goddamn flying country you're from. And the guy's like, I drive you as fast
Dude, you want me to call in the coordinates of your village, yes or no? I am at the 15th parallel and I need you to fucking pick me up. Yeah, she just pulls up her phone. It's got drone footage of his grandparents in fucking Afghanistan. She's got a giant satellite phone. She goes, hey, why don't you rock those birds? Yeah, yeah, she's like, look at this. And like a bullet whizzes past his grandfather's ear and it's like, you wanted to go closer? What were they celebrating?
I drive you. I will drive you. You're on the phone with your grandfather. Tell him to look at the sheep that's in the field right now. That was a Patriot missile. Pink mist. What you don't know is that the USS Rhode Island is three miles off the coast right now with a pocket full of firecrackers.
That's awesome. Rosebud just threatens people. Oh, sorry, Rosebud. We actually, we don't have the chicken for that salad in the green room. And she goes, oh, I'm sorry. Do you drive the Toyota Corolla? Oh, it looks like you have four terabytes of child pornography on your computer right now. That's so weird. You got raided. Why do you have a gun? The guy goes, I don't have. Oh, my God.
She has fixers. I got a picture of you at Epstein's Island right now. Yeah, dude. How did we get here? Bell House? The Bell House, the flood. That was a fucking wild one because my buddy, he was like,
Right before, like in the middle, and I felt like an asshole because I thought, I was like, I was putting you on last as a sign of respect. I was like, no one's following Danny Fat Nuts. And then it almost got you stranded and go on us. But it was flooding so much. People in Manhattan got hotels. Like I knew people that had shows in Manhattan that lived in Brooklyn and Queens and went in on a hotel room together. That's crazy. Because they could not leave the island. Yeah, that's crazy. And that's a moment where it's like,
We really are fucked if there's a natural disaster. Oh, yeah. Just a rainstorm that caught us by surprise made you a refugee for the night. But can I say, you had a sick-ass Allen Iverson shirt on. Thank you. Yeah, that was a great one. Like from the Jadakiss commercial, that one? No, this was a... There's a guy from England who just makes these cool, these fucking sick shirts. That was a great one. That was a great shirt. Shout out to The Answer.
Allen Iverson, one of my favorites as a child. One of my favorites. Top class in the UK. Oh, yeah. I'm not from all the taking black people's culture. I'm absolutely profiting off it. I'm the one who taught Drake how to do cornrows. British dude super into black stuff. Oh, yeah. Oh, that shit's popping. Yeah.
They've got a... I mean, you know, British rap is definitely on the up and up. It's the silliest sounding stuff I've ever heard in my life. I love it though, dude. That Central Sea song that we were listening to, ironically with Drake, was actually kind of sick when we were on the road that one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of hard. Sench. We were listening to a lot of our good buddy Sench. And Dave, of course. Dave, yes. There's a rapper, there's a British rapper and his name is just Dave. So I'll say... No, Dave's fine. Yeah. Don't you want to call yourself like something else? No, Dave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was the song, Sprinter? Yeah, that's a big one. And it's like, I got eight bitches in the Sprinter van or whatever. Yeah. That's too many. I don't know how it goes. What are you going to talk about? There's a lot of headroom, not a lot of seating. Yeah, yeah. Well, they're thin. Steering wheel on the right side of the Sprinter. Yeah. Well, they don't have big SUVs. They got Sprinters. Yeah. You know? They run on diesel over there. It smells good. Cultural differences. Does diesel smell better? I like it.
It's a nice fragrance. Is it like popcorn oil? Yeah, for stuff to huff. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, nice. Do you know if this is how we find out JP's just deep into huffing? Oh, yeah. Did he show us up to do a podcast one time with just a gold circle around his mouth? Haven't had a drink in nine and a half years. Best decision I've ever made in my life. You want a little more paper bags? I just...
That feels really good to be in control of my life and not alcohol. JP, we got to get you on for the second show. Is the guy here from Home Depot? That's your plug? We're running on the road. We're just running a golf cart that you're constantly on. We're like, Eldish,
Is Mr. McDade's golf cart ready? I need him to open the second show. Every time we're in a new city, I'm looking for hobby shops for airplane glue. That's my big man, Krylon. What's up, Krylon? Shit.
My name's not Krylon. It's JP. You don't have a Krylon. I'm just compulsively doing this. I feel like, Dan, correct me if I'm wrong, it feels like you might have snuck a little huffing into your routine as a child or something like that. That's how you think I got my voice. This is perfect. Hey, Mom, what's for dinner?
I feel super lightheaded. WDan40 was a menace. Dan, I hear you. Are you rattlesnaking? Shut up. I'm playing the maracas, mom. Wrestling's on. Oh.
I think, okay, I need to stay in this chair. Hey, wait a minute. What the fuck? It's all empty. Yeah, I mean, I remember trying a little, there was like that episode of, what was it, My Weird Addiction or whatever? Yeah, the... The cleaner. Yeah. Ian Finance, I just did his podcast. He talked about, he used to do, he used to like really abuse that. Get out. What, Ian? Yeah. What? I know. I know.
I never believed he touched anything. That's fucking hilarious. Ian straight up huffed. But now he has a superpower where he can clean any keyboard. Ian, why is your breath cold? All right, Superman. I use my powers for good now. Oh, and also black trans women like how it feels on their penis.
Blowing cold air into a... Damn, mustache, you a white boy? You make me feel like I got a dicksicle. I stand for truth, justice, and the bisexual way. Yeah, all right. This crazy little white boy made my dick all cold.
Yeah. I never, huffing just always scared me a little bit. Dude, this kid I went to high school with, you remember Whippets? I was just going to transition to Whippets. Thank you. This dude Charles one time, we were just at this house party and he goes, y'all ever done a Whippet with Freon? And we're like,
This place got central air. Instead he goes, it's like a whippet, but it goes for 30 minutes. Oh, horrible. Oh my God. How the fuck do you even get, you crack open a fridge? You gotta go into an air conditioning unit and pop it out. I love that about drug guys when they make, like their selling point sounds terrible. No, dude, you love it. It's like sprinting a 5K in Arizona. It's awesome. It's awesome.
Oh, my God. It's like you can pick every pore of your body open. No, dude, it's like you're underwater and you just found out the Russian mafia found out that you betrayed them. It's a sick feeling. Yeah, do you ever see like you were being smothered and you wanted more of it? No.
You ever pull your Achilles really bad? It's like that. Yeah, dude, that's how Whippets dabbled in. Only did it a couple times. I very fatly had a lot of the flat...
You caught a Whippet by accident when you had a Red Whip. That is so funny. That's him catching a stray. He's like, dude, all the nitrous is gone and you just ate the Whip Cream. I really did, dude. I really did. Stavros is an example of what happens when Whippets go wrong. Yeah, dude, I would just be lapping up fucking flat cream. Guys, am I doing it right? Yeah.
I like Whippets. Whippets are great. You just like sundaes. And then the guy that got all of it goes, you're a guest on for us? Let's crack open another one. You're like, I'll take care of this can. Whippets were a gateway drug to whipped cream. Yeah, it was awesome. We had a friend.
A friend... It's basically... We had a friend. His little brother was like a fucking big pill. Everything real fucked up. And he was just constantly doing whippets in the corner. I remember this was when the Orlando Magic...
played LeBron. The Dwight Howard magic. Oh, yeah, that was fun. Tito Turkoglu. Yeah, who hit the game? Who hit the one? And that's when they... That's the only time LeBron was gonna play Kobe. Right. And then the magic hit some kind of crazy shot. I think it was game seven. Whatever that... I was in that basement...
with that kid doing whippets and I was literally having flat cream as whoever hit that. I remember that. It's one of my most vivid memories. He was seeing the future from the whippets. He's like, Dwight Howard is gay. Look into his past. Look into his past.
LeBron's going to leave Cleveland but come back. He's going to get bad hair surgery in Turkey. It's going to be a real problem. Dude, I don't know where he goes, but as someone that has hair tits, LeBrons are messy. Yeah, dude. Like, I got mine done in New York, and you're like, LeBron, you got to get way better. It's crazy that LeBron would fuck. How does he not have the best? Well, here's the thing. When you go in to get it, they tell you. They either go like, you got, like...
It's like you got a shot. I mean, I'm doing the bit right now on stage where I do call them hair tits because it's like fake tits. Yeah, sure. But it's like not having enough room to have it. You know, when girls would get fake tits and you'd see like in porn, you'd see the ripple of the bag on the side. That's like what LeBron did really. Also, LeBron looked great with a shaved head. Right. I will not shave my head because I'd look like a white Sam Cassell. There's no chance.
I would ever want to do that. Yeah, dude. You would look kind of Amish. Dude, I would look like an alien. My head is long. Dude, I kind of want to see it. No, no, no, no. That's why I went and got hair tits. Yeah. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. We're keeping that on. But LeBron's, remember when he had the silk? He had like a toupee.
Before he got the hair surgery. Yeah, like the Carlos Bruiser adjacent type of thing. Really? But one time it slipped off and he had to adjust it. Oh my God, that's brutal. If the hair tits wouldn't have worked, I would never have gone toupee. I would have just worn it. That's fun.
I think there's going to be a toupee era of my life. I'm going to try a lot of stuff out. I can't wait. I mean, we're so close to a very nice bald pony right now. We pretty much got it. Yeah, you got it. I'd like a little more length on it. But once I rock the bald pony, and I'm going to go exclusively pony for a while.
Yeah. I mean, that's going to be the big shift. That's great. Maybe the next tour should be, I should be. The pony tour. It should be. Oh, fuck. The Greek pony. Fuck, we already have a lot of the branding done for the tour. We might have to scrap it all and start over. Throw it all out the window. Let's rent a Clydesdale. Dude, before you go on stage, just goes. Yeah. Yeah. Drop all the lights. Just like. Yeah, dude. It's like Omar's whistle. Yeah. Keep coming. Yeah.
Anybody want to ride? And then, or even just ride it, and I come out to my pony. Fuck, this is really coming together, fellas. And then I just come out. The lights go on, I'm oiled up. I'm doing Magic Mike. Looking for a partner.
someone who knows how to ride without being far from now. I bring a single mother on stage and I just fucking give her a lap dance. How many kids you got? A muscle mommy. Yeah, I do crowd work while giving a woman a lap dance. I just want to sit around. Yeah. You ever been divorced? Oh. A muscle mommy lifts you over her head. Oh, that's the dream. Muscle mommies pumping. I still, I still, I'm still holding out hope. Lord, send me a muscle mommy. Oh,
That would be beautiful, dude. Fat guy, jacked woman. That's a fun combo. You don't see that a lot. It's almost as fun as fat girl, jack guy combo. That you see, though. Because I feel like some jack guys want, they would kill a petite woman if they really fucked her full force. They need someone with a little... Superman would have had a fat mommy. Ha ha ha!
Lois Lane's tiny ass couldn't handle it. Superman would have had like a black substitute teacher with one of those asses that came out like in a way that felt fake. On a shelf like it goes up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it looks as if Metropolis is safe. Yeah. And my boo just showed up. She falls out of an airplane. He falls and catches her but like struggles a little bit. He's like, oh, wait a minute. You know, empty calories aren't a way to eat.
What you talking about, white farm boy? You gonna talk or you gonna fuck? You remind me of the red sun of my home planet. In Krypton, we have a word for you people. It's delectable. It's beep. Yeah, we got that word here too. She goes, oh yeah? I didn't know the N word was Kryptonian. It is if you use a hard R. Yeah.
Dude, that's so funny. What have you found? Kryptonians were like super racist. Super racist, absolutely. Only against Guatemalans. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is funny because in comics, it's like they can't fathom black people like aliens. Yeah. Every alien's white or green. You know what I mean? They can't even be like, well, yeah, they might have some Chinese. They probably have some excuse. Like, actually, the color brown was more expensive to print in back in the day. So they made all the aliens green.
Yeah, no, jacked guy, fat girl, I feel like you see every once in a while. That's like a world's strongest man. We always see like a... Well, they have... I feel like they have petite women. Dude, they're...
I don't know why, but I can't find any clips of it. And I've tried to talk about it multiple times. But when ESPN used to not have shit but that on. Sure, I remember. I used to watch that. Yeah, on ESPN2. I want to find the clips of, do you remember when the wives would yell at the strongmen? Where they'd be like, Gabe, go! And he's just like holding a giant boulder. Some Polish woman like, coward! Pussy! Pussy! They are like, they like scream at them. Yeah.
It's real strongest man. You're never going to find it. Pull up. You don't have the media. You don't have the search skills that Dan does. Pull up the guy who's the mountain, his wife. Thor Bjornsson. Is that his name? Yeah, pretty sure.
The Mountain Game of Thrones. Yeah. Damn. Look at that, dude. He wears her like a condom. I mean, that lady is small. She's probably like 5'8". He's like, what, 6'9"? Yeah, that's true. He used to be a basketball player.
I mean, that's a big dog. He's a fucking. I mean, that's that's wild. She got that tattoo on her. Once you know she's into pain. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Shaq was with, you know, there's that picture of Shaq with hoops, of course. And then Sherry O'Neal, the mother of his children. She's pretty small, which meant many hoops from five of life. Shaq fucked her. You know, you haven't seen that picture. Oh, it's a legendary picture.
But the mountain probably does. He probably does like deltoid extensions with her. Oh, she's so... I mean, I used to beat off the hoops all the time. Look at how crazy she is. She's right there. It's right there. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely jacked off the hoops the most. He's the biggest person I've ever encountered. Like, if he wants to leave a conversation, he just stands up straight. Okay, I'm done now. Honestly. Look at that. That's insane. Look at that.
Dude, picking your back rides must be so fun, though. Oh, yeah. Now, did you guys do any beating off to Flavor of Love? Yeah, Hoops was top. Hoops was number one, right? Yeah, yeah. I even called her from New York in a weird face. Early New York. Actually, you know what? Early and then back when she had the hilariously huge tits. Yeah. That was awesome. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, that was the peak era of trash TV for middle school beating off. Yeah.
And the music videos. And the girl that pooped in the house. Of course. Oh, then there was that bitch that Mike, that, oh yeah, I'd seen a different one who had been on a different reality TV show. Um, she was on like, ah, fuck.
What was that? It was like, was it Blind Date or like? Blind Date ruled. I think it was Blind Date. It was like on UPN. Yeah, Blind Date ruled. And they would just put them together and it was like. Roger Lodge. Yes, yes. So there was, one of them had huge tits and she was on Blind Date and she also was in pornography. So I had jacked off to her a couple times. Yeah, there was one called, do you remember the one that was on the cruise ship?
Where they go on a date on a cruise ship? Dude, it was horrible, but I loved it. Was that like Rock of Love at Sea or something like that? No, it was before Rock of Love. This was in the blind date era. It was right when I was able to really push one out to cable TV. Yeah, we were all very lucky. These kids will never know what it's like to have to jack off to just regular TV.
And you could do some of that. And that relates to the ESPN2 programming. Like the ESPN2 programming came in huge to be the last button on the remote. Like during the day it was World's Strongest Man. At night it was World Series of Poker. And in the mornings it was that workout. Jay and I watched it. The Kiara, whatever her name is. Like on the beach. She was a playboy. Yeah. My stepdad used to watch that to get chubbed up. It was wild. I forget what her name is.
You're not going to find it. It's all right. Yeah, if you do beach workout. I forget what her name is on ESPN, but she was in fucking Playboy, and it was like, I don't think Kiara is her name. I might be wrong. Oh, also, oh, yeah, you went to Playboy. What a rush at that time to find out that some hot girl from the TV did Playboy. Right. You had to find out this, like, through some miracle. Yeah, and then you would, like, plan a time to be able to search it. I remember peak for me, because I'm a little older than you guys, Jenny McCarthy. Yeah.
did Playboy when she was doing Singled Out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, see, that's interesting because you're right because I always existed in a world where I could see Jenny McCarthy's tits. Nah, man, I remember, shout out James Goss. He was a year older and his dad had Playboy and he secured the bag. Respect. And then we all went over there and looked at it in a group. Yeah. And then everyone's like, I'm going to go home. Yeah. Well, I better be hitting the road. I think mom's doing baked chicken tonight. Yeah.
I got a couple meetings. I got to go think about school. Was there a moment when you found out that she was going to be in Playboy? Were you strategized with your friends? It was like, we need a plan to acquire this asset. I think we put in more thought to that than the American government did into Iraq. Here's what we do. Once it's secured...
We'll meet up at James' house. Heal off one by one. It was awesome, man. When you found out when one of your friend's dads had either porn or nudie mags. We have intelligence that Jenny McCarthy is going to be showing tits. Full tits. It was awesome.
That might be the best Playboy reveal of my life, just how it timed out. Shannon Elizabeth actually was perfect. Massive. Because, oh, yeah. I mean, I guess you saw her tits in American Pie. Yeah, that didn't matter. You wanted more. You wanted more. I was a hungry little dog. Oh, boy, did I jack off to that quite a bit, too. Shannon Elizabeth. What's she up to now? Let's find out. Do you guys think she's an anti-vaxxer? I hope she got out safe. Good call. She seems like she'd be into something weird.
Oh, professional poker player. Oh, man, she's still looking good. Oh, my God. It was like her and Jessica Alba. Yes, yes. But yeah, you could see her tits in real life, unlike Jessica Alba. Oh, she's married to... To who? Let's find him and fuck him up, dude. Divorced, 05. Whoa! Now she's married to some guy named Simon Borshurt. Borshurt. No way. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, he's a hottie.
He's alright. Yeah, fuck. Damn, I guess I can't fuck Shannon Elizabeth. They got a good life.
Oh, stop. It's all right. No. I'm in a bad mood now. When I first met Shane, he would come around and talk about this. Like when we'd be on the road, he'd talk about this Instagram model named Sierra Sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I texted him out of the blue. I was on the road and it just like, I had a eureka moment. And I texted him. I was like, yo, you could probably bank Sierra Sky now. Wow. Ooh. I was like, Shane, get after it. Has he tried? No. No.
He really does have a Fox News penis. That man loves a blonde bitch, dude. I'm telling you. When our friends get famous enough, you're kind of like Amy with Shannon Elizabeth. If she was single, I would 100% try and fuck Shannon Elizabeth. That would be awesome. That would be so random if you go, do you know who Stavi stated? You know the nigga from American Pie? You go, what?
That would be a dream come true. Even if I told Katie that, I'd go, you know who I just hung out with? Stavros and Shannon Elizabeth. I was just getting burgers with Shannon Elizabeth and Stav. She's just there. She's like in this apartment. She goes, hi, Shannon. Here we go. You know what I'm talking about? Here we go. I know. Yeah, hi. Hi.
So is she like recording the next episode? Oh, no. She goes, we came down from Baltimore. We're decorating the house. It's just like a whole thing. Well, I'm decorating the house. You're helping. I'm like not letting her. It's her project. You guys are actually getting into it like a couple? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't say that. I didn't say it like that. No, for the last time, it's my house. Dude, that's so funny. You leave and you're like,
Like Tara Reid. Tara Reid might be like, I don't know. That's so funny. Tara Reid, she had that thing where her titty popped out. She kind of went through the ringer there. Yeah, but that's why I think little bargain bin. Yeah.
No, I can't. I can't do it. I'm holding out for Shannon getting divorced. Shannon Lizzie. Tara Reid was in American Pie too, wasn't she? Wasn't she? Who? I just feel like she was. Yeah, Tara Reid. Tara Reid. She was the girlfriend of Betty the Jet Rodriguez. That's right. That's right. That's right. Man, that guy...
Nothing happened after that, after American Pie. What are you talking about? He had two fucking, you know, he had Sandlot and American Pie. That's better than most. Yeah. Was he Rookie of the Year, too? Yes. No, he looked like him. That's a different guy. Major League?
No, it was Rookie of the Year. Little Big League, I'm thinking of. All similar looks. Different kids. Benny the Jet Rodriguez was not Little Big League or Rookie of the Year. Rookie of the Year only. I think Rookie of the Year was the one in American Pie, actually. No. I don't think it was this guy.
Oh, check. That might be true. That's not the guy from American Pie. No, I think you're right. Yeah, yeah. He was a rookie of the year. My boy. That was a great movie. That's a classic. It's on VHS at your doctor's waiting room movie. Yes. I saw that. Shout out to Dr. Salihi. I think he's still with us. Yeah, I think you're right. I think Thomas. Check Thomas Ian Nichols. And pre-crazy Gary Busey. Was he in American Pie? Yeah, he was in American Pie. Yeah.
I was wrong. Damn, Rookie of the Year and American Pie is a big get. And he was in Rules of Attraction, good movie. Halloween Resurrection. Guy's doing all right. I don't think so, man. I don't think it worked out the way he wanted to. And he was a handsome guy, too. Look, he's looking rough these days. He's two years older than me. That's nuts. Shannon Elizabeth, seven years older, looks so much better than this guy. I literally can't wait for that chapter of your life. I'm pissed off I can't date Shannon Elizabeth. She's happily married. If she was divorced, I would...
I'm not even joking. Start planning on how to try. You would probably reach out through UTA. Can we set a meeting up? Set a meeting. You go, I love pie. I have a project that I'm working on. You start taking my buttons off. It doesn't work like it used to. Yeah. Oh, look at that. I set up a webcam in the corner of the room. Just like old times. Yeah.
You're playing Blink-182. Oh, man. Yeah, I feel bad. I guess this is getting old. I guess this is getting sucked off. That's going to make me laugh later, just thinking about walking in the apartment and being like, hey, Stavi. Hi, I'm Dan. He's in the shower. Yeah, no, Stav will be out in a minute. Oh, Stav said to get you guys some liquid deaths. Yeah.
Are you? He's told me all about you. Are you? I'm sorry. This is crazy. You look like Shannon or Lizzie. Dude, that happened to me. This happened to me years ago at Eastville when it was still at the East 4th Street and 2nd Avenue. And I was hanging out with Chris Tinkle, a comic that lives in L.A. now. But he was hanging out and we were like drinking and this girl was around and she
You guys are too young for this, but there was a real world Seattle. There was this black dude, Steven, and then the girl's name I forget, but she slapped Steven in the face. Fuck, look up real world Seattle. Eileen, I think her name was Eileen, and...
Real World Seattle, and we're like drinking and hanging out at the bar or whatever. Irene. Irene. We're like hanging out, and I just go, whatever, Irene from Real World? And she goes, that's me. She was like hanging out at the bar with it. That's hilarious. Wait, you're Irene from the Real World? And she's like, yeah. I was like, you got Lyme disease or something. Yeah.
Yeah. You knew facts about it. She was like... Because that was like one of the last seasons I really watched the real world. Wait, Irene McGee who went to Georgetown University? I go, what are you going to slap Steve and Irene? And she goes, that is me. That is me. I did do that. I've had that twice drunk. That's awesome. One time my buddy and I were at the...
Bar on 79th Street near stand-up, New York called like the Dubliner or like the Dublin house It's the Dublin house and we were outside smoking a cigarette and this guy was talking to two girls and I was like He asked to bum a cigarette. I was like whatever mark you are mark Cuban. Oh
It was Mark Cuban? No, no, no. He's like trying to deny it. And my buddy's like, you are Mark Cuban. And then when he's leaving, he's like, I'm Mark Cuban. We were fucking cool. Dude, Shark Tank, here's your idea. Give me $400 to buy pussy. Come on, Mark. I gave him the idea for squatty potties right then and there. You a big squatty potty guy, man? Oh, my God. I have a travel squatty potty. We got to go bidet, too, though. Shout out to.
Yep. Well, you know, they haven't renewed, so bleep that out. But if you listen to the Soda Podcast, it's not so much a s***. Yeah, it's great. The bidet is a game changer. Big bidet guy. Wow. Between the squatty pie and the bidet, you got some real nice... I can get my butt sucked, dude. Yeah, dude, that's awesome. You need to go next level, dude. Get that Japanese s***. Different settings, pulsating. Zzzzzzzz.
You just create a whole ass sauna. You have like infrared light in the bowl. You need to get a NASA tube. Yeah. Oh, wow, wow.
Suck all this shit out of my ass. Sucking the shit pure out of my ass. That sounds pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, dude. You don't shit like a young man, man. That's a bit you're doing on your special too, but it is harder to shit. Taking a dump is harder. It's hard, man. It's hard. You got to get fiber in your diet. Taking a break from weed, I'm not as regular. Really?
I don't know why. Weed helps you shit. I think... Weed was providing fiber all these years. Yeah, you were eating it. I was high on fiber. How's it been? Because it's insane to me that you are not smoking weed. You were a guy that I can't, you know... I used to just come in here and fucking take wax in my one-hitter as we were talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm going to be back
How many months is this? By the time this episode comes out, I'll be back. How many months has it been? Two and a half. Two and a half. Two and a half months. You ever consider keeping it rolling or no? Well, I took a... On Memorial Day weekend, I was like, just home for the weekend. And I was like, I don't want to smoke. Yeah. And Katie's like, smoke a little bit. And I took like... I did it like three times. I would take like one or two hits. And then I was like...
You were like, oh, fuck. I was like, feels like the first time. I was watching a Pierce Brosnan movie. I was watching a Pierce Brosnan, James Bond. Oh, yeah. Loving it. It's 96 again. Holy shit. It's awesome. He runs like a chick. We watched that. We got high. Watch that. We got high. Watch that. Jennifer, uh,
Lopez Atlas movie. Oh, yeah. It's nothing better than getting high and watching bad movies. I love it, dude. It's tough. I'm going sober right now. And Eldis was asking me about this. We've been having conversations. He's like, don't you feel so much better? It's like, I want to smoke weed every day. I was like, I wake every night when I'm just chilling. I throw a movie on or I'm watching hoops.
Let me smoke. I'm excited for the 2nd of June. That's when I get home from Columbus and that's when it's fucking on. Time to legalize it. I'm going to get super into it like I'm in high school again. I'm iron like a lion. Not in Zion though. Let's talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I'm excited to come back and then fully loaded to where I'll be smoking. Oh, yeah, you'll be chief and brother.
So do you ever think you'll ever go, you think you'll cycle on and off or you think you're back? I'll probably do that. I like that. I like taking like two months off. It was fun. Is Katie, is she a big? She's supposed to play video games. Oh, respect. So she was like, we'll play Rocket League and then she'll like disappear and come back all like...
That's fucking awesome. That's awesome. She's like, my reaction time is too fast. I got to level the playing field on these guys. It's like handicapping. She's a scratch golfer. I'm giving you five a side. With Rocket League, it's like you...
different shots. You get in the zone. Yeah. You get artistic with it. Oh, the geometry of this game. Dude, I don't know what it says about me that the times I have the most wanted to be in a stable long-term relationship is you describing getting high and playing video games with your girl. Yeah,
and Elders being talking about getting high and watching movies with his wife and I'm like whoa you could do that with the person you love and not just your friends and that's literally the same way we were laughing so hard at that movie Atlas with Jennifer Lopez because she just gets thrown in this machine and she's like ah
ah, ah, and they like send her to this planet and Katie was acting out how she would just pass out if that was her. It was making me fucking cry laugh because she was going, ah, ah, and they're like, we can hear you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting in the riff zone with your beloved, that sounds great, man. It's also, that's how you get inside jokes because then you're like, oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is nice, man. You ever get fucked up with your bitch, JP? I recently have been, you know, I'm a non-drinking, non-smoking boy mostly, but I dabble in mushrooms. And I had my first like nervous mushroom experience recently because I was doing it with her and it was like her first time. Oh, first time ever. And the whole time I'm thinking like, is she having a good time?
Is the weather not right? Is it too cold? Is this the right movie? No, Harry Potter's too scary. We got to put on something else. And dude, it is. You can't do magic on mushrooms. It's already called magic mushrooms. You can't bring in more magic. Children singing something wicked this way comes. You can't have that. You need something light and fluffy. I got to put on a video of the Redwood Forest right now. This is good. Yeah, I remember we were doing it.
Dan, we were all doing fucking mushrooms to celebrate the special. JP, Eldest, we were all there. We rented a house and we're just on a pool. We're fucked up. We're having a barbecue. Literally one of the best days of my life. And we were like, JP had just disappeared and we walked inside. He had cranked the AC up as high as it goes. He was watching videos of Ireland on mushrooms. 4K. He was watching 4K drone footage of Ireland.
I did it. And it had like Irish music. It was like...
It was like, no one will believe us if this is what JP does. Look at those cliffs. The cliffs of Dover. Of course. JP, you're fucking losing your mind. That was so fucking beautiful. I laughed so long. I'll kiss my Blarney stone. There was like a park by the place we were staying. He walked down.
dunked a little ball through the thing and came back. Had to throw one down. He was on mushrooms. He was like, I have to dunk and I have to watch videos of Ireland.
Damn, dude. You just become your true self. That is pretty sick, though. These videos rule. Yeah, this is good stuff. I'm going to get very high and put this on on Sunday. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. With calming music? Yes. Yeah. I'll just take this out. You're disrupting the podcast guests. A nice eight hours. Ability to fucking fuck. I had some kind of psychedelic story until I remembered JP's hilarious watching. I haven't done mushrooms in a while. I'm due.
I'm due for a big trip. I think Ari, Shafir, and I are going to get a house and then have Vecchione come with us. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Open up his mind. Launch him for the first time. Oh, dude. Vecchione on my shoes sounds awesome. Peel away the layers. Yeah, fuck yeah. Vecchione hasn't done it? Never. Yeah, it'd be fun to have him around just like not do them and just think you have a cop in the house. He's like, what are you guys doing? He's like shining a flashlight. Our pupils are just shot. Mike, are you mad? Can I see it?
Can I see your ID? Don't try to single leg shoot on us.
He just whispers cryptic stuff into a walkie-talkie while you guys are doing it. It's like, we got it. The big one's down. We've got two bogeys. We've got two bogeys in the living room right now. What if he just fucking does psychedelics and he's like, I've wasted my whole life. And he does enroll into the police academy. And he just becomes who he looks like he should be. I don't want to do tight jokes anymore. I want to do long rambling stories. Or he's like, I'm going to do voices. I go,
don't yeah yeah what if he grows his hair out grows a beard that'd be sick dude loses a ton of stops working out because it was fucking india beatles era him and shane moss do like this psychedelic tour it's crazy how long his beard is
Yeah, I'm Italian, so my beard grows really fast. Yeah, good. This is three days. It's down to my navel. Yeah, dude, I don't know. Did you know that we're all one energy? I'm trying to remember. Fuck. Whatever, who gives a fuck? I feel like I was really scared one time on drugs, but... Didn't you accidentally do, like, way more than you thought? Yeah, but that wasn't... You know when you just have something in your brain and you can't scratch it? I mean, one time I took...
I thought it was an eighth, which was still a lot. Yeah. But I took a quarter. Jesus. I did the math wrong. Seven grams. And it was when I had fucked my foot up. Yeah, it was... I don't know how I fucked it up. And I was... The heroic dose is five grams. Dude, I'm telling you. That's the Cormac McCartney... What is it? Terrence McKenna. Terrence McKenna. I literally... Shutt was living here at the time. And our... Remember our fucking sound bar just wouldn't work sometimes? Yeah.
and I was too high to fix it. Oh no. I was watching Thor Ragnarok. This is when I hurt my foot. And I had, what I had found was I had, we were, we used a PlayStation 2 at the time. So I plugged headphones into the PlayStation controller and I was holding it and I was like, and then, and then Shud came in and he was like, what the fuck's going on? I was like, oh,
And I was like, Ryan, can you get me a Gatorade, please? The antidote. Please get me a Gatorade and some Doritos. So funny.
You reached for the cure of just bodega snacks? Well, because my foot was fucked up, so I couldn't... You were pinned down. I was just on the couch, and I couldn't move, and I was like... I was too on drugs to figure out how to maneuver. I think I was using an office chair. It was like it had just happened, and I thought it was going to get better. I didn't know I'd torn a fucking something into my foot. Chris Hemsworth is talking to you through the screen like, Stavros, I need your help for a mission. Dude, I literally was...
I was seeing things in two dimensions. I was seeing flat. I was thinking of myself as a two-dimensional entity. The world just looked like this sphere where everything is imprinted. I'm not even kidding. I was seeing myself as a black and white entity that was getting smashed by a giant hammer. And I was flat. And I was just disappearing. You know where it's like a helix and you kind of disappear into shit? When Wile E. Coyote gets flattened and he floats to the ground.
It's not even that. It felt more like Fantasia. Or in Superman where he puts Zod in that. Yes, yes. Kind of like that. Yeah, for real. But not even because it was like, you know in Super Smash Brothers, there is the 2D character. I don't remember what the fuck he's called. Mr. Something. Eldest. We've really got to Google on that. Not Mario Kart, you fucking prick. Super Smash Brothers. Super Smash Brothers.
Samus. No, no, no. You're not going to figure it out. It's fine. Whatever. But anyway, it was fucked up. It was very fucked up. I was way too high. But it wasn't even a bad trip. But yeah, I don't know. I couldn't remember. I can't remember what it was. Voices from beyond being like, the Albanians are the rightful heirs to the Aegean. No. No. Not a bad trip. Never that. Never that. How good did you feel when you came out of it, though?
I felt awesome, dude. I felt like... I really had felt like I had not learned anything from that trip, but that I had experienced...
Like, I felt new and fresh. Yeah, it's like you become, it's Wizard of Oz. It felt kind of like that. Well, you were all there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how else you were there? And there was Gatorade and Doritos. And I was a 2D character. Yeah, dude. It was crazy. It felt like a rollercoaster ride of like, I didn't feel in control of my mind. And I was hoping I would just come back.
And it was awesome. I was on some subreddit where a woman was like, I did too many drugs and was in psychosis for like 10 years. Holy shit. She's like, and now I'm back. It was AMA. It was Reddit. Ask me anything. And this woman was like, I lost my mind and I'm back now. Ask me anything. Holy shit. What did you do? I think it was either acid or something. And she was like, I snapped.
And I kept thinking I was in a dream, so I kept showering and doing all this stuff. And it lasted like years. That's crazy. And she's like, then I finally came back. And you're like, god damn, to come back and be like, hey guys. Shit. What was I doing? How did the midterm elections go? Is Al Gore still our president? Oh, brother.
Sit down, sister. I knew a guy who claims that happened to him. He was like, yeah, I just tripped for two years. No. And he's like, and he failed all his classes. We were in college when this happened. And like, he was failing all his classes. He was already on probation. So like, he had this paperwork that said he was failing. He was going to get kicked out of school. But he just like went to Kinko's and got in the zone and like faked all the paperwork like masterfully to make it say that he passed and he like stayed in school. What? Yeah.
It's a nice catch me if you can. How does that even? Druggie forgery. To who? They go back, they go, this is all just nothing than crayon. Yeah, it's like clearly whited out in ballpoint pen. But he's all high, so he's like, this is genius. It's the drawing of Godzilla with a boner. Sir, did you think this was going to trick us? All right, let him walk at graduation. Who cares?
There was this guy. I read a subreddit of one of the psychedelics. I think it was LSD. The top one is these guys who were in Brooklyn. They were hanging out. They did a lot of acid at night and into the morning. They were on a rooftop in downtown Brooklyn having a great time. They were friends from college, whatever. Have a great trip. Then they're on the roof of their building and 9-11 happens. Dude, look at that plane that's flying. Oh, fuck.
Dude, that's crazy. To have to process that. That was early in the morning. Yeah. Nine o'clock, yeah. You're like up late. Yeah. Stayed up all night doing that. Oh, yeah, that's true. Maybe this guy was lost. Because America's a superpower. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. If only America would feel some modicum of justice for how they treat the third world. Oh, no. I did it. I did it. I wish my dick was huge. I wish my dick was huge. I wish my dick was huge.
You know what I mean? I talk, I would be like, yeah, it's a cool thing about the towers is you always know where you're going with the tower. Oh, my God!
Yeah, that idea of watching that fucked up. Oh, my God. With that perfect crystal clarity. Yeah. I was like... Yeah, and then he could probably... It was probably annoying because they probably heard all the Muslims celebrating in Brooklyn. Yeah. You know, the Donald Trump saw where they were all... That's my favorite. Those are my two favorite... I saw them. I was on acid on the rooftop in Brooklyn. Those are my two favorite... They were having a party.
Well, I love the two awesome racist on both sides thing is the Arabs were going like, la, la,
and celebrating in New Jersey from across the water. And this is my favorite. I've said this multiple times, but so many Greek people, you would hear this, they're like, you know, every Jew that worked at the World Trade Center called out sick that day. It was like, really? I've got a case of these sniffles. Really? Every Jew called out of the World Trade Center. I don't know if you know this, but they all called out.
It's a high holiday. That was awesome. People would say that like it was like fact. It's like, oh, you've got a paper trail on this, Dimitrios? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They say, no, I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm not coming. Who do you think did it? It's simple. Very simple.
Yeah, dude, I love that shit. It would be great if the real conspiracy was that Jews and Arabs have always got along and they've just tricked the rest of us to think we hate them. Yeah. God damn, we really thought they go. We both hate pork. It was right in front of your faces the whole time. What's the one link? Oh, pigs have been behind it the whole time. What do you think we've been every Friday night and Saturday? Come on, we do.
Yeah. Yeah. Man, pig is delicious. I mean, I feel bad because they're smart, but they say it's a dirty animal, which can't be any dirtier than fucking chicken. Cow? Cow seems like more noble, honestly. I'm kind of with the Hindus on that one. The cow is a noble beast, but it is so delicious. It's so good. Oh, my God. What, I'm not going to eat steak?
And they're not as smart. I feel like pigs, everyone says they're like dogs. Cows got nothing going on. Cows will just stand there and feed all day. You wonder the first guy that killed a cow, if they're like, well, the cow's stupid. We're not going to kill it. And he's like, I don't know. It just looks good. It looks fucking tasty, dude.
Yeah, I don't know. I feel bad. But everyone says pigs are like dog-level intelligence. You could teach a pig tricks and shit. And they're kind of cute when you clean them up. They make okay pets. I know. Sorry, man. Oh, man. I know. Pork belly's so good, though. It's so good. If you don't have to do the dirty work, you don't have to slaughter the pig. Yeah. But if you do, you're like, sorry. And the pig's like, come on.
come on, man. Yeah. I was trying that for a little bit where I was saying, I'm not going to eat an animal unless I would feel comfortable killing it myself. Like chickens, no problem. No problem. I'll chop the head off. Fish, idiots. They're like people that publicly FaceTime. You're like, I don't care, you're done. Publicly FaceTime, just have it down and like talking. Oh, yeah. I always like to get over people's shoulders when they're doing it. Yeah. If I'm like walking behind them, I'm like. And you're like, because they're just walking with their earbuds and they're like, I,
It's insane. Yeah, why aren't you just talking on the phone? Just call them. Call them. Put it in your pocket, you fucking bitch. That's what I say. I'm an old-fashioned phone guy. Those are chicken heads, dude. Yeah, dude. Chicken heads are the speakerphone of the animal kingdom. I don't fuck with chickens. I can't wait until I kill a turkey. Let me catch a turkey. I don't fuck with turkeys. I also don't find them that delicious, though, to be honest. Ugly beasts.
You think they're tasty? You guys like turkey? It's kind of overrated. Dark meat's all right. Dark meat's pretty good. I like white meat. I'd rather... Do you like white meat turkey? The gravy on that bitch. Is gravy or what? Yeah. Ain't too bad. I love it on a fucking Sammy. A little sticky white bread with some fucking mayo. Okay, all right, all right. You have turkey kielbasa so you feel like you're not eating unhealthy food. It's a nice little psychological trick. You know what? I do have turkey...
I have turkey versions of delicious pig. Also, I'm a nap boy, dude. Hit me with that tryptophan. The fentanyl. Okay. Respect. Yeah, it's meat fentanyl. Yeah. Respect. Respect. I don't know. I just feel like turkey's one of the most overrated meats of all time. But if I think about how cute turkey is... Rank it in meat. Can't do it. Oh, turkey's not a top three meat. It's not even... It's a filler meat. Yeah, I mean, if we're going just meats...
Beef, pork, even chicken is better than turkey. Beef, pork, a fatty fish. Are we including fish in the meat? Yeah, everything. Where does turkey come? It might be the bottom meat, bro. It's way behind salmon. Way behind. It's not even a fucking discussion. It might be the last meat. What are you putting over it? Dog. Yeah. You put it over dog. All right, dog, I'll give you. I think you're also putting it over...
Bugs. Bug meat. Bugs. Rabbit is pretty good. Rat meat. You know what sucks? Venison. Venison is not good. Venison's not good. Yeah, venison's good. Bison is a little tough. I put turkey over bison. Bison is like, you get a shitty burger, you get the bison burger at the diner. I can't go with you there, but at least you found something you could rank it over. But turkey, I'll rep turkey, dude. All right.
Well, you know, hopefully there's some meat discussion, meat questions here, Elders. And if not, you know, something for our beautiful panel to help them with. We've got two experts. We've got a man briefly, you know, we've got a man who's paused a 16-year relationship with marijuana for two months. Is it longer than 16 years? How many years? Oh, dude, I did the math. It's been 26 years. 26 years of smoking every day? Yeah. Or close to.
I mean, there's no athlete in the team sport with a 26-year career. That's true. That's Tim Duncan plus five. By the way, I just did to get my knees scoped. I'm coming back. I'm not done.
That's fucking beautiful, dude. Yeah, this is you playing baseball. You're in the minor leagues right now. I'm just back down with like the allagashy fucking water dogs. And then I'll be back hitting big time, dude. You're buying AirPods for all the players in the clubhouse. All these young Dominican dudes are like, you told me so much. You come down here with
Tell me not to. I'm sorry. He hit the whole road to opposite field. Oh, my gringo, gringo loco, my fucking nose, bro. Well, when you're smoking weed again, we got to have you back for Kush Brothers. Yes. That's where we go over the news of the day. High as shit. That's where we solve the problems of the world. Dude, I'll be back. I'll be smoking fucking big old doinks out in Amish country. R.I.P. Go watch On the Road. Watch, of course, J.P. This week. Watch it. July 17th.
Share it. Tell all your friends about it. This is Eldest's first legitimate producer's credit, I believe. That's right. Isn't that right, Eldest? Oh, yeah. I don't even know what credit I have. Albanian producer. No, no. He was literally on my Netflix special. We credited Eldest as the production Albanian. That's true. On Netflix, it says production Albanian, Eldest Sula.
Albanians are so proud. There's probably like a bench named after Albania. They're like, we saw what you did. I was, by the way, uh,
late to the, he took Adderall. That's another fun story. I remember that. We were all getting ready the day of the special. Eldest, who was theoretically the road manager and a producer on the special, he takes Adderall and is late. He's like, hey, can you guys go? I think I'm going to have to meet you there. He just came to the fucking special.
I was still early. Whatever. No, you were not. Stop. Come on, man. Second day of production. Everything was well underway. It was under control. I had to hop in the shower real quick.
The biggest thing of our lives. The biggest thing that was like anyway, whatever. Hilarious. We're trying to track you down like James Brown before a tour. It's the only organization where the artist is the one who's making sure his tour manager is on time. Where are you? Fucking snorting rails of Adderall. Maybe I did need to watch all of Captain Phillips that afternoon. Just hyper-focused. Yeah.
It's an allegory for crony capitalism. He goes, no, I wrote a sequel while I was watching it. I got it. It's a three-act. I flushed it out. Oh, fuck. What a beautiful organization we have here. And this organization is investing big time in this man right here, J.P. McDade. So watch this special. We're putting it on my channel. It's available on my channel. Go check it out. Tell your friends.
Let's fucking do some advice, huh? LD? Hello, Stav, Eldest guest. Fifth time's a charm, not to fuck it up. I am sober as of September, so I'm calling now in late April, which means I'm a little over seven months sober from alcohol. I still smoke weed and occasionally will do mushrooms and whatnot, but the substance abuse was really just... The alcohol was a problem. I've taken...
breaks off weed like a month or two long breaks and yeah it's a little hard to start but then like it's fine and i just kind of casually smoke like once or twice a week now um and anyways my current issue is with my girlfriend and is uncomfortable with me doing mushrooms more than once every six months i've been saying and i've started kind of doing them about
once or so a month and she has a major issue with it because she is quote unquote not a direct person which is like cool like I'm not asking her to do it I'm not forcing her on her I'm not taking like a crazy amount of money from her I'm not making like that I mean his like which is like
fine or whatever, but like, I'm not, I don't have a fucking gun in your head making you take mushrooms. Sorry, Wednesdays are trip days. I mean, his fucking attitude is so funny. And he says he's a problem drinker. It's like, do you think maybe your start, has the mushroom use ticked up since you stopped drinking? Yeah, absolutely. Is she maybe making a good point? But anyway, let's just hear him out, I guess. I'm doing like two and a half grams on my top end.
And with mushrooms, it's like one of those things for me where I really only want to do them like once a month because mushrooms are like, it's like psychedelics are one of those things that like you do them and I don't really want to do them again for a while. Anyway, she keeps conflating them to like mushrooms to like opioids and cocaine and like methamphetamine. And whenever we have like a discussion, she's like, oh, I'm really worried about you doing it because I'm worried what this is going to lead to. And I'm like, I just don't know how to like tell her that
Like, yeah, I understand the alcohol was an issue in the past, but all of my other, like...
Me doing mushrooms, I've done mushrooms probably about a dozen times since I was 17. I'm 24 now. Okay. And I've done acid half a dozen times. So up until now, you've done them a dozen times in seven years, but now you want to do them a dozen times in one year? Do you think maybe she's got a fucking point? Man, this is the hardest part about relationships is you want to double down and be right, and then sometimes you go away and you go, fuck.
fuck I was so wrong there's nothing worse than taking a solidified like a solidified L in a relationship yeah yeah you're on the record you go fuck yeah no whatever man I had that recently where we just got into a fight about something stupid like I didn't know the name of a bagel place yeah and she's like I've told you like a thousand times I was like
it doesn't matter. You should just help me out. And she was like, you're being ridiculous. And then like an hour later, I walked in the room and I was like, yeah, you're absolutely right. That's like when you just roof the football. No one plays. No one plays.
Because you're being a fucking dickhead. You're being the dickhead. We agreed it was one hand touch. And now you want to change your... You know what? Oh, but fuck you, Ed Hockley. What are you going to call me for holding? You fucking snitch. Oh, I guess you're going to call it illegal defense next time. She actually did a funnier thing, though. She found out what the bagel... We ordered the bagel place and then she bought a t-shirt from the website. Oh, Larry.
she goes now you won't forget hilarious oh dude just like ruefully putting on a t-shirt like i'm not going to turn down a great team and i'm not going to lie it's a great team and i was going like that's what's but a symbol of your defeat yeah it's crazy no other and no other loss do you have to wear the other team's championship literally have to wear it yeah
I love it. It's a good shirt. And very funny that she did it. Very funny. Because we were still in the fight when she ordered it. Really funny. She's like, you know what? I'm doing rush delivery. She can see the future. That's awesome. Also, this guy's girlfriend's right. She's basically just being like, hey, maybe calm down. You're trying to quit weed. You're trying to quit alcohol. You're supplementing it by doing mushrooms. You got a little more, I think.
But I think you're absolutely right, Dan. But let's just see if he has any other pieces of evidence. It's one of those things where, like, I've never been, like, felt remotely encouraged to do them like I ever felt alcohol. You are right now. And not nearly as damaging as, like, alcohol or other drugs are. But she keeps comparing them to opioids. And I just don't know, like, I don't know. It seems like the only reason for her, like, the only way for her to be, like, really happy is...
Which means, like, if I just fully give them up and I just never do it again, which to me is, like, one of those things, it's like, yeah, I picked her over the mushrooms, but it also is, like...
I think she's being a little bit unbeautiful. Yeah, also, like, she can't make me see the world for what it is. Like, I'm sorry, but you can't make Dark Side of the Moon sync up with Wizard of Oz. It's like, hey, babe, can you go over to that tree? Yeah, can you make the bark move? Oh, no, you can't. Oh, you can't do that? Can you make me remember a conversation in seventh grade and have it make meaning right now?
Can you improve my posture for some reason? Is that something you could do? No, here's the, here's like the be all end all. Can you dunk a basketball? Yeah.
If you can dunk on her, she can't say shit. That's a good point. But if you're one of these 5'9 motherfuckers... No, like, she's noticing that your habit is accelerating. She knows that you have had the issue in the past. I just want to hear the end of his delusion. Because it feels like he's trying to land the plane here. And I'd love... Everything he said has been dumber than the last. And, like, it's like notes in general. And I just don't know how to, like...
Okay. I honestly, I, um...
I can completely relate to this guy because at 24 years old, that's exactly how I talked about alcohol all the time. It's not a problem. She's mad that I'm going out and drinking until 3 in the morning with Joe List. And it's like, it's not even a fucking problem. I'm sorry that when the sun goes down, I like to have a beer.
Oh, so you're saying it doesn't feel good when the warm shower water is hitting your back and the cold beer is hitting your lips before work? And you're probably telling me that taking a hungover shower bath where it's just right on my face is bad for me. People puke on Wednesday mornings. It happens. Dry heaving is healthy for your abs.
I'm not supposed to get high as fuck to dull the headache and then order $30 worth of greasy diner food delivered right to my door? What am I, a fucking animal? What are you, my mom? Yeah, you're being a fucking bitch. What are you, my mom, who also pointed out that I had a problem a few years ago? This bitch-ass attitude is the reason Dad left. Fuck.
If this was a different situation, and if he was driving a car, and she was going, hey, you're speeding up. You wouldn't go, God, it's not that I'd pick speed over you. Okay, 75 is more than 72. Fine, if you want to be mathematical about it. I'm telling you right now, just don't do mushrooms for like two weeks and go like, hey, I'm going to do mushrooms in March. That's the thing. She's saying dome every six months, which, by the way, as someone who likes mushrooms...
That seems very reasonable to me. You mentioned Terrence McKenna. I think that was how frequently Terrence McKenna did mushrooms. He's like twice a year. He wrote the Bible on it.
- The foremost expert on it. - You're so right, Dan. You hear it in his voice, that addict rationalization. And he's also like, he's framed it so many times, like, how do I explain to her it's not that bad? And it's like, yeah, dude, we were just talking about computer, huffing computer dust. There are things that aren't that bad that you can abuse.
And he just said he's done them over from the time he was 17 to 24. He's done them a dozen times. And now he wants to do them every month? And listen, and I'm going to tell you this as your young father because I could have been your father had I walked young. Absolutely. At 17, I could have been your father. I'm 17 years older than you.
I just stopped smoking. I'm about to be 41, and it took my therapist going like, hey, maybe take a break from weed to think about it. And I was going, I had this energy. Well, I don't even know about that because how am I going to relax when I get home from the road? So that energy sticks with you. And when I quit smoking weed, I was like,
Yeah, I probably needed to do that. Yeah. I needed to reframe how... I'm going to come back to it, but that's all she's asking you to do is just reframe how you look at mushrooms. And like, yeah, and it's like, dude, you just quit drinking. And his argument is like, I don't feel the urge to do them that much. And...
It's like that's the most like an addict that's just speaking in circles. His entire call is that he's feeling the urge to do them more. And she's saying don't do them that much. You're literally just saying I'm doing it because I like it. I could stop anytime I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like if you really force me to, I guess I would pick you over mushrooms.
And it's like, dude, so you're just... So to summarize here, you're fully in the wrong, okay? Like, it is a little much to be doing mushrooms every fucking month. She's not even saying don't ever do them. You're putting that on her. Yeah. She said, I'd prefer if you did them every six months, which again...
totally reasonable. I felt that way where I was like, I've skipped doing mushrooms because I was like, you know what? Like, I'm even going to do mushrooms for a year, which I'm just like, I don't need to necessarily do them. They're not as bad as those other things, but I'm like, look, if I'm going to commit to being sober for a year, I'm going to commit to, you know, everything. So like,
Just fucking, just chill. That's so huge. And this guy even is sober from alcohol. But like, that's so huge. The 90% of getting sober is just being honest with yourself. Like eliminating bullshit. But also you can come back to it, dude. Yeah. I'm coming back. Trust me. By the time this episode's hit the airwaves. Yeah, Dan's only sort of learned his lesson. I'm high as shit as we speak.
As you're watching this right now, your boy's high as fuck. But yeah, dude, you are being a little unreasonable. You said you're very sensitive and looking out for future addictions. Well, here's a big one, bro. You're not. You're willfully ignoring this, and she's making a point here.
Don't do mushrooms every fucking month, especially not when you're clearly trying to replace and I know it's not the same as drinking But anytime you're ratcheting up some kind of drug use when a different one is gone. That's a problem Next question fucking this poor little drug addict. Just a little heroin to take the edge off. Yeah, I
So I called in once already. I'm going to try not to do that this time. Um, so my question, uh, pertains to a girl, um, about maybe a year ago, a little over a year ago, ended up meeting the love of my life. I love this woman. She's smart. She's funny. She's easy to be around all the things we've looked for. Long-term keeper of a lady. Um, we've talked about having kids. We've talked about, uh,
you know, family planning and doing life together. Um, and long story short, recently she ended up pregnant, pregnant currently. And, uh, since then, you know, in theory we both wanted kids, but in practice now we're thinking about all the things we want to do, all the traveling we want to do, all the fun stuff that, you know, having a newborn doesn't necessarily, uh,
So my question is her and I both know we want to have kids definitely do, but we don't know if we want to have them now. But for some reason, whenever I talk to her about having a, having an abortion or what have you, I get really pissed off and I don't know why. Um, I want to have kids with her. We've talked about this. I love this woman, but I know we shouldn't have kids now, but I don't know.
Hearing her talk about about not going to a basic level. I agree with everything she's saying But on a basic level it pisses me off and I don't really know why. Dom, what's wrong with me? Give me some advice if you have any. Thank you guys. When did he fucking send this in? He said his first call was like a year ago.
No, no. I mean, they figured this out by now, hopefully. Or there's going to be a bunch of states that made it illegal. So is he saying he gets mad when she says she wants to have an abortion? Yes, when they talk about it. So basically he's saying... He wants her to have one. No. I was confused by that, too. When they talked to her about having an abortion...
I think she wants, when they talk about it, he gets really mad. That's what I'm taking away from this. Yeah, it's, okay, it's unclear if he wants her to have one or if she, if he, if she kind of wants to and he in theory wants to, but in practice, what I got from it is that he agrees that she should get an abortion or that it should at least be on the table, but he gets mad when it comes up. Yeah. Yeah.
And maybe it gets, it induces anger like in the heat of the moment. So I would think like just write down what exactly your thoughts are. Like when you cooler heads are prevailing, like separately figure out what you actually want. Let her figure out what she actually wants. And then like kind of come to the table with some like sober. Yeah. I mean, rational being angry is great. And like, but it's also very primal. Cause like, you know, if she's pregnant and she's like, I'm going to have this. He's like,
going full monkey man. But I can see it on both sides of the primal thing. I can see if you actually love a person and you want to have kids and even though you're like maybe we should wait you're like you're not killing my kid but then I can also see being like
I am not having a fucking kid. Like, I can see being angry. Like, come on, you gotta have it. You gotta, like, I definitely could see. I got tickets to see Pearl Jam. I can't have a kid. Yeah, I want to go to fucking Mexico. Um,
Now... The primal brain just being like, fetus have heartbeat at six weeks. Baby. I take care of baby. Fingers have fingernails. Like, he says he does... I'm really confused as to what the plan is here. I don't know. Are they going to get borscht up? Are they not? Are they thinking about it? Because the clock's fucking ticking, brother. Usually that's the thing where you know. Yeah. When you find out, it's pretty fucking clear what the move is. So...
I don't understand being angry. I mean, I think JP makes a good point. It's like, and it's a basic thing of like, think about why you're fucking angry. I can't fucking tell you. I'd love to ask him. This is a very difficult question to pose to a podcast host. Yeah, yeah. This is something that- Why am I angry when my girlfriend talks about abortion? I don't fucking know. No.
The best way I can say it is talk to a priest. This isn't for a guy that, you know, tells jokes for a living. No, I can... Dan, I think I can handle this one. No, no, no. Back up, back up. This honestly is not even as bad as some shit we've hilariously dealt with. This is where it would be convenient to be like Andrew Tate-style idiots on a podcast. Just be like...
Put her in a cage. Bro, you're not thinking with alpha brain. Take over the situation. That baby's going to sense weakness in you. It's true. You need to put her in a shed. So, yeah, dude, if you're asking me why you're pissed off, I can hazard some guesses. Like, maybe you're not... Maybe because it could be a control thing, right? Ultimately, it's her fucking call. Yeah. And you... Maybe you're realizing that...
Even though you agree, you don't like the fact that you ultimately don't get to decide what happens. It's her body. She's carrying the kid. And if she wants it, she'll keep it. And if she wants to get an abortion, she'll get an abortion. That could be a root of anger, right? Maybe there's an anger in you thinking you do want to... And then the other route, roots of anger, is like...
And realizing you don't want to, that you, you know, I don't have this, right? I don't have this guilt about it. I got to be honest. Like, I have friends who grew up, like, Catholic or whatever. And it's like, and like, a friend of mine had an abortion. I was like, all right, like, cool, whatever. Like, that sucks. That's going to be hard for you. But I never, I just don't have that guilt. I didn't grow up religious. It's just how you grew up. I don't think of it as that.
is murder. I honestly fucking don't. I don't think it's a fucking person. I think it's a little lump of fucked up cells and I don't get in that could ruin your life. That's how I look at it. But he's also, he keeps peppering that, that they want kids. And that might be it. It's like, Hey, if we want kids, the timing's not great, but sometimes you can't play that. Exactly. And I kind of agree with that. If you have, if you're with the person that you think you want, ultimately have want to have kids with, you know? Yeah. You might have to fucking wait 10 years to go on a nice vacation, but,
But timing's timing, bro. You shouldn't have been raw dogging if that's the case. That's a good point. He's with someone he really sees a future with. The right person and they both want kids. That's like 99% of the whole equation. There's no such... Yeah, I don't know. But that's tough. Although at the same time, it's like another statistic you see sometimes. Like a lot of the people who get abortions are women who already have kids. Yeah. Who don't want another one. So maybe this is just the flip side of that. It's like, hey, I want kids, but I'm just not ready. Maybe your career. Who knows what our career is? You know what I mean? Because we can...
It's easy for us to be like, ah, I can have kids if it happens, but you know who really fucking bears the brunt of that shit? It's the woman always. Yeah, the man is just, we're just there cheering. We're the cheerleaders. Oh, I don't know if I'm ready to be a mascot right now. Yeah. I'm going to pass out like fucking Rocky for the Nuggets. Yeah.
Remember when they pulled him off the stage? I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for the responsibility of tousling a child's hair at the dinner table. So that might be, that kind of might be, he might be in the position where he's having those thoughts of like, well, look, I'm with the person I want to be with and timing's timing, but let's just have it. And she might be like, I'm not ready. And that might be where the getting pissed off is.
And he might love her. And this also, this is a pretty fresh relationship. You said about a year ago, right? Yes. So they might have never had a disagreement of this level. True, true. So he can't, he doesn't know how to confront her about something this serious. And maybe he's scared that it could cost him the relationship. And all this together leads to blind fury that he can't fucking, you know, he can't diagnose. Maybe. That's our guess. Yeah.
But either way, good luck. Hopefully you figured it out. God bless. By the time this comes out... Legalize it. Abortion. You either hit Planned Parenthood or you're fucking going crib shopping. Good job. And we didn't get to you in a too timely of a manner. Sorry, buddy. Sorry it didn't come up on our previous episode. Yeah, we got to time this for JP's special, so it's a little later.
priorities man need those youtube clicks baby you understand uh all right what else we got legalize it don't create this eldest uh guest or guests um yeah i got a got a question for you guys sort of a situation with a girlfriend's friend yeah so uh
I've seen this girl a few times. Whatever this is is going to be awesome. She's one of my girlfriends. They're better friends. But they had some sort of arguments. I think a lot of detail. You know, girls argue a lot. Sure. I come to find out that she's been telling my girlfriend that...
He wants her to break up with me. He thinks I give off a weird vibe that I'm scary and I seem evil for some reason. I don't know where she's getting that from. I've never really done anything wrong to her. I kind of have angry eyebrows. That's where she's getting it from. But yeah, I didn't think that I was going to hang out with this girl again. My girlfriend and her have just been fighting, but they sort of made up.
Probably see her again sometime soon. So I don't know what I should do when I'm around her. Should I just be a dick and be like, fuck you, bitch? Why are you talking shit on me? Should I just pretend nothing's happened? Definitely blow up on you. Yeah, I don't know really how to go about it. Give her more fodder. You should stare her down while you take a switchblade. No, no, no. Give her the thriller, dude. Put your arm around your girlfriend and walk around. Give her the email. Oh, yeah.
Be evil to her when your girlfriend isn't looking. That's pretty funny. Sneak evil. That's pretty funny. Invite her over for dinner and then you're just in your office in your apartment just looking at a globe like, yes, yes. Turn around with ten fingers. Ashley, I've heard you've been speaking to her regularly.
Loose lips sink ships, they say. Evil's a crazy thing to call someone that you don't really know. Evil. And just on a vibe. I don't know. I'm touching like evil vibes. Like total evil vibes. He's giving evil. He's giving dark hour concentration. Do you understand that the most
Fertile plant is the one that you can break the easiest. Talks to her like a James Bond villain. Hello, Carissa. This is fucking wild. Have you guys ever been in a situation where a significant other's friends hate you? I had one when I was in college. I don't know if they hated me, but when I was in college, I was dating a girl in a sorority and I was not in a fraternity and her sorority sisters told her that she couldn't date me because I was a G-ed, a GDI. Goddamn independent.
How was the pussy? It was fine. I had a friend that... Dude, I've had a couple... I've had friends whose significant other hates me. I had a friend whose wife did not like me. They were going to get divorced. I celebrated...
They got back together. Oh, classic. Can't put that toothpaste back in the tube. Oh, celebrated and they're back together. That's a classic Seinfeld episode, dude. And I was like, yes! The first one never takes. Yeah, dude. It sucks. It sucks, dude. And it was like, I'm still friends with him. Not her, but him. Yeah. We have to see each other like secretly. I'm going to sneak like you're cheating. I go, God, I miss this. Just having coffee at a diner. I fucking, God, I need this.
I fucking miss this. I feel so alive when I'm with you. God damn. Do you want more sugar in your coffee? Yes, you do. Fuck. Yeah, I mean, look, you don't. She wants you to treat her poorly. She's like, you would fall right into her hands. Yeah, you're right. You know, I say blow her away with kindness. Yes, sir.
Absolutely. Stunt on these hoes. Absolutely. That's how you truly win, and that's difficult. You ever go like this? I think I was wrong about Eric. And then you bitch. And then the evil eyebrows. And then you're like, you were right. And then you play with a poker chip, and you're like, life is nothing but a series of wages. Do you understand that bluffing can be more important than the hand you're holding? LAUGHTER
Go full Bond villain on this bitch after you win. Yeah. Get a scar. But, like, if there is going to be a confrontation... Start wearing eye patches. Yeah. Make it the gentlest confrontation you could possibly... Hey, I just want to make sure we're cool. Like, that level of, like... I see no confrontation in this. You just go like, you look great tonight. Just blow her away. Because the thing is, you are actually... That is warfare. The mature thing to do would be like, hey...
Hope everything's cool between us, whatever. Don't do that. This bitch hasn't earned that. Engage in warfare and your weapon is kindness. By Sun Tzu's Art of War. Read it. Attack her when the sun is in her eyes and the shade is to your back. And never interrupt an enemy when they're making a mistake. Yeah.
Classic Sun Tzu. I know, dude. It's so funny people reading that. Like, people, 2024 reading that, and it's like, make your enemy fight through the rice patties. Their boots will grow mold. A shield of bamboo cannot stop steel. Says no application to me in my life. I work in tech. Yeah, dude, be really nice to her. Absolutely. And then...
Crush her. And then try and fuck her when you're really drunk. Is it just me or a vibe? You ain't a vibe, babe. You're sexy. Just call her when you're like, oh no, so sorry to hear about your cat. I heard it died in your living room last night. If you didn't suck my dick. Yeah.
No, she's doing okay. Then you turn around, let's get out of here. Yeah. The Thriller move will fuck her up. You got it. The Thriller move at least once. All right. Yeah. This guy's good. What else we got, Elders? I got to get going, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. I just looked at the clock and it's six o'clock. Is it actually six? Yeah. And I got a long ride back to the city. Yeah, yeah. No sweat.
let's fucking, uh, let's, what do we got on time? I just looked at the clock and I was like, that's not right. And then I looked at my phone and I was like, Oh shit. We're one 27. We're looking good. Um, all right, well listen, go fucking go, uh,
Listen to or watch Danny Boy's special. Watch Soder. Go be a Soder listener. You can. That'd be nice. More importantly, though, Big Dog special. July 17th. On the page. Watch him. Enjoy him. Live it. Love it.
I'm feeling blessed. I'm too blessed to be stressed, you guys. Big JP, just Penis McDade. We love the boy. We're happy he's got his special out. Sometimes you turn 35 and you haven't really made enough noise in comedy. You say, eh, clock's fucking ticking. Better do something. Better get your famous friend involved. Get a little special in the can. Let's get that special in the can and then you can start working on the next...
you know, the next fucking hour, baby. Some of these jokes, I know that feeling of, I got to get that first one out. You know what I mean? So we're cooking, we're sucking and fucking, and you're going to love this special. It's very funny. And support the whole team here at Stompy Baby Enterprises. Let's watch this special. We love you, and we will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.