#83 - Alex English
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STARV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got Alex English back, returning. Thanks for coming, bro. Thank you. I'm realizing I have a Greek yogurt stain on my tank top, which is an incredible group. Don't fucking use the laugh button. You were eating it before we got on camera, and I started seeing the yogurt on your mustache, and I was like, am I going to have

to tell him before, like, that would have been insulting. Yeah. It is, it really is like, you know, just got a little Greek yogurt on my shit. That is, I am a caricature, just crushing Greek yogurt and grilled meats whenever my guests, whenever my guests come in. I feel like when I was here last time with Devin, like,

There was a turkey like on the table. Maybe a rotisserie chicken. I feel like there was like a chicken. We're big rotisserie chicken guys around here. We're huge. My memory's good. We're huge rotisserie chicken guys. It's the main thing on my rider is I must have a rotisserie chicken. Is that true? I swear to God. You really be having people in comedy clubs going out to the Kroger.

to their nearby Trader Joe's and picking up a whole rotisserie chicken. That's incredible, actually. And you just gave me a bright idea. Yeah, dude. Because that's the thing. I say that, right? And immediately people are like, hilarious, he's fat as shit, right? That's the number one thing. And I get it on some level, but a rotisserie chicken's pretty healthy. And you're not being a diva. They cost fucking $5. That's true. And you also can't trust a lot of these clubs to have the good food that you want. Absolutely. Because I,

I have like really bitten my tongue at some of these clubs. I'm like, listen, these airport ass chicken tenders is not the vibe. No, dude. So I get it. It's like, because once you crack open the comedy club menu, there's no way I'm not going buck wild.

because it's all dog shit. So I'm going to get tenders. I'm going to get the Buffalo Bites. Come on. The helium comedy clubs. If you're in Madison. If you're in Wisconsin. Shout out to Madison. Thank God that club. It's a great club, Comedy on State, but they don't have a kitchen, so you have to order from a restaurant. So you can get a better restaurant instead of a comedy club. That's pretty good. Yeah. No, they're the best. They're the best over there. But yes,

Once you, it's like inviting a vampire. You have to invite them into your home. Once you order one thing off a comedy club menu, you're ordering everything. Everything. You're getting shit to go. It's fucked up. So we get the rotos going.

It's a beautiful way to live life. Eldest came to visit me because I've been in Baltimore hanging out. Eldest was just eating an entire rotisserie to himself a day, which you got to respect. He was like, I'm being healthy, and he was making like a yogurt bowl that had 4,000 calories in it. This motherfucker put like a bag of walnuts, fucking maple syrup. It was awesome. All whole food, natural ingredients, man.

At that point, it's just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch at this point. It was hilarious. Walk the people through Eldest's famous yogurt bowl. So here's what I do for my yogurt. Of course, I don't measure it out. So probably realistically, I'm doing like one and a half, two full cups of yogurt alone. Which is the best part. That's the healthiest part of the whole thing is the yogurt. Then I'll do like some blueberries and or strawberries. Yep. So you're still looking good. Then I'll do probably like a couple.

Maybe one or two tablespoons of peanut butter, almond butter, whatever. He's out of his mind if he thinks it's one or two tablespoons. Now we're getting dangerous. That motherfucker never even glanced at a measuring spoon while he was at my... He's fucking scooped. He's putting his shoulder into that fucking scoop, bro. There's no one or two tablespoons. And you got your granola, right? No granola, actually. What you putting on there, Lay's potato chip? Yeah.

I do put salt. I put sea salt. You put sea salt. Yeah. What else do I do? The nut butter and the nuts are where you get crazy. You do walnuts as well as the nut butter. Because within the peanut butter, which is probably four to five tablespoons, if we're being honest, which that right there is, I'm going to say 500 calories. And then the bag of walnuts is awesome. Walnuts are like, the nutrition facts say like 12 nuts for 200 calories. And Elders is just like...

shaking that fucking hitting the bottom of the bag on his shit. It looks awesome. It looks delicious. And then the coup de grace, the maple syrup to go with a little maple syrup. Also do some chia seeds and some flag seeds. I know. I know those bowel movements are crazy. Oh, yeah. This motherfucker disappears.

This motherfucker disappears for an hour after that bowl, dude. He gets the rotisserie. The rotisserie is like when you pack a musket and then that yogurt bowl, that yogurt bowl is the fucking fire, the gunpowder and it just pops. It's just fucking... It's like a club with the musket. Yeah, yeah.

Salute Salute You were doing your little workouts It was awesome He was in my backyard No shirt Doing fucking goblet squats Oh word Oh yeah I was trying to do some little Whole body squat shit going on I'm an exercise boy now too I'm in the gym

Hell yeah. I'm in the gym. We're trying to get it back. So that's why my place in Baltimore is like the health dojo right now. So he came over and yeah, it's nice. It feels nice to be in the gym getting over there. You know, I actively like, I

I had to go to an expensive gym. I learned that about myself because I used to be at Blink, and that's just like $10, $12 a month. So it disappears. It's Planet Fitness, but it's like you're pretending you're better than Planet Fitness. But it is Planet Fitness. The same homeless men are showering in your locker room. It's true. So I canceled that, and I was like, you know what? In order for me to actually be encouraged to go to the gym, I'm going to go to the gym.

I have to pay like $200, which is what I'm doing. And now I'm like, this is, this is, this is get your ass up. Cause that money, I can see that money. So I'm like, Oh, okay, great. Plus I thought, so my initial inspiration for going to the gym was, I thought that I was going to see Beyonce Renaissance. You bought a metal mesh tank top you were going to wear. I legitimately bought a

I was like, I'm going to get my chest together. I'm going to fill this fucking shirt out. And even like it was before, like at one point Beyonce had like announced like you all need to be wearing silver. And I was like, fuck you. I'm wearing this shirt. I'm ready to go. Only to find out that the tickets that were, I was told that I could get, I was in Chicago doing shows. So not only did I like a lot of myself, but I was like,

I lied to Marie Foster and also she was like we going we going I'm like I am in Chicago didn't let her know ahead of time it's awesome I owe her a major concert damn fuck you Marie right I'm glad you didn't get to go

So then I just like stayed in the gym. No Beyonce tickets. Just like decided to continue. That was the original thing was to look good for Beyonce. Good for me. And then never go back to the gym. But now I'm in it. Okay. And I gotta say like, you know,

Men are gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And as a gay man, I'm saying that. Sure, sure. It's kind of wild. Yeah. The virile sort of just like... Now, I don't know what goes on in women's locker rooms. Right, right, right. What I assume... I assume good behavior is happening in women's locker rooms. I can only assume that. Yeah, I would say so. In these locker room style, it's pretty... Because the one that I go to is near work, so it's like...

soup and Thai guys like powerhouse power players and it's just like

Oh, you guys got like fetish. You're presenting. These motherfuckers are walking around, dick swinging, like no towel on, staring with no shame. Like just looking you in your eye. Like, yeah, I'm looking at you. Like it's kind of wild. That's what I was going to ask is that I do feel like the question, when you were saying like your motivations, me knowing what I know about expensive gay gym culture. Yes. Is that you do, it seems like there's hand jobs up for grabs and saunas.

It seems like that's out there. So me being like, oh, nice. Well, if there was a place where it's like I could work out and then, you know, some wouldn't have to be a hot lady. Just an okay lady jerked me off at a sauna. I'd be like, that's what I'm going every day. I'm going to the sauna. I'm going to the gym every day. I will say. Yeah. This is me speaking candidly. Please, of course. This is the only podcast that I go on and really speak candidly.

I can say that I have gone to the gym a couple times. I've been preparing to go to the gym a couple days being like, I kind of want to see some dicks today. Yeah.

It's not arm day. I just want to see dick in the ass. I just want to see some dick. That means doing an hour, 45 minutes of just lifting to justify the fact that I want to go. I got to get to the locker room. That's awesome. You should see my face when I walk into the locker room and it's not peak hours. I'm like, oh shit, I'm about to get here. It's an old guy's face.

It's an old guy weighing himself. This sucks. His old ass balls. His old balls hanging so much lower than his dick. It's not even close. Oh, dude, if I get 10 more years, I mean, my balls are going to hang so much more than my penis. Oh, I have huge balls in the little penis. When you lose ball elasticity, too, it's not going to look pretty. It's not going to be a good photography package for you.

Not that it is now, but it's going to be bad. There's going to be no way to make it look. I'm going to have to get like a nut lift. I'm going to have to get like my balls, some ball skin removed. Like BBL for your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way it's like ladies, some women don't get breast implants, but they get their tits just like, you know how they'll sag too much so they'll bring them up? I'm going to need to do that with my nuts. Oh, oh. Yeah. I'm so glad you brought this up. Yeah.

Today, before I came here, I was showering, getting ready to come here. I was in the locker room and I saw my very first trans man in the locker room. And I gotta say, I was delighted. I was like, oh my god, this is incredible. And I kind of wanted to say something to them, but I was like, oh, let me not be weird in here. Nice pussy, bro. Laughter

I truly was like, oh, I saw the scars. I was like, you know, I kind of, my eyes went down a little bit. I wasn't staring too hard. But I didn't see no bush. I was like, oh, there's pussy in the men's locker room. This is great.

It was so heavy. Also, because the vibe was like, I think everybody, no one gave a fuck. No one gave a fuck. Dudes really don't give a fuck. Especially, we're talking midtown Manhattan in the expensive gym. It's like, there's going to be very few people who give a fuck. Yeah, come on, bitch. Get showered and go work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all just trying to get swole. Totally, totally. Wow, pussy in the locker room. Salute to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's interesting. And how many, now what number of pussies that you've seen in real life, Alex? Like in my face? Face to face. Oh, hella. Oh, right. Because I used to go to the strip club. Oh, okay. So I've been. I see, I see. You know, I've been shown many a hole. No, I mean, let's see. Intimately. Yeah. Yeah.

Non-strip club. It ain't a double digit. It's not a double digit. But it's like non-strip club, intimately, I'd say five. Five. That's pretty good because you were closeted for a while, right? Closeted? If you can believe that. Yeah, that's a tough sell now. I really didn't come into this today being like, how gay am I going to be for this?

This podcast I feel like last time I was here I kind of gave a little more Butch Yeah yeah yeah I got these loafers I do like the loafers We are drinking a gay soda Diet Coke I feel like is pretty much It's the gay soda This is really good Pretty gay It's gay guys and white women soda For sure I literally I was on a date with a girl And I got a Diet Coke And she literally was like Oh

gave me one of those like diet coke like i was being a bitch because i was like i'm sober i'm not trying to drink right now she's like that was straight when a bitch is like against your sobriety you're like all right well this is your your sums off i would love to fuck you the pussy's probably out of control if you have these kinds of problematic opinions but you know come on if you're a white woman and you don't like diet coke you like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because i

That's all I know white women to do. They love it. They love it. They mainline it. Yeah. In a Stanley cup. Oh, crack it open, pour a Diet Coke into a fucking limited edition Stanley. That's high level white women activities. Yes. But, you know. Yeah. Back to vagina. Let's get back to it. You know, I've been saying this in my stand up and it's been ringing true for me the older I get. I'm like,

I didn't mind it. It wasn't like I didn't like it. You know what I mean? Right, right. And I've been trying to tell. You were neutral. Yeah, I just was like, mm, mm. You know what I mean? Like, mm, mm. Like, all right. Because I hate these gay guys who'd be like, I've never had pussy, yuck. Right, right, right. Ew, I'd be like, ew, you're gay. Like, really, like, ew. Like, that's crazy. You've never had pussy before? How? How?

How have you gone your whole life without training? Right. You're being close-minded. You are. That's what I think. I'm like, but see, I hold straight men to the same standard. How do you know you don't like dick? Sure. You ain't never put one... You don't know that. You're right. You're right. Guys... Eldest is a time we sucked each other off. Yeah. Maybe. I feel like...

I'm like, hey, I'm better than a lot of men. Any gay man who's had everything, well, that would be a bi guy, I guess. He's had all of it. But I've tried it. I'm not disgusted by pussy. In fact, if some happened to walk in here right now, I'd be like, okay, come on, bro.

Come on, bring your own girl, whatever. But I am like, I am a gay guy. Of course. No, for sure. You're an incredibly homosexual man. But make sure you include the incredibly. Right, right, right, right. But there's no way you'd be like, you're on a sampler thing. You're not like, I would date a woman again.

Probably not. Let's be honest here. I mean, it would involve them consenting to it also. Of course. Which I don't think many women would be like, well, I'm getting sopping wet to Alex English. Right, right, right. But if a woman ever, like, I would do the whole, who was it that Cher was in a relationship with? That guy, he runs Disney. Uh,

I'm blanking on his name, but they were like... I watched his documentary. God. He's gay? He's gay? No, not him. Alexander Edwards. He has the yacht. No, that's her new boyfriend. That young black guy. That motherfucker looks way younger. He's like our age. Holy shit. This is awesome, bitch. She's out here getting the Mario coins knocked out of her pussy dog. I have an ass off to him. Dude, that's crazy. No, this guy runs like...

Like he's a billionaire. Like she used to date back in like the 70s. Interesting. I mean Sonny Bono died. That was her husband. He fucking died. Yeah but she was in like David Geffen. David Geffen. David Geffen. She like had like I watched his documentary a few months ago and learned that they had like a serious romantic relationship that was like love and I think like Cher even like knew that he was gay and was like fine with it. So if I found me like a Cher to like just post up with and just kiss on and love and not really have to fuck like

That could really be my life. I'm going to guess it didn't hurt David Geffen had $500 billion in the bank.

That makes you a little more open-minded when you're on the yacht. I don't know. Gay guys got the cheat code for getting pussy, though, because they don't care about pussy. That's true. Go ahead and cheat, girl. I'm not going down there no way. Do you know how many nights in college we went out, me and my loser friends would be on the sidelines of the dance floor just nursing beers? We'd see our gay friend who was partying in D.C. every weekend. He was making out with every girl that was out with us, girl.

- I remember that guy. That guy was awesome. - That was me. Even to this day, some of my female friends will like, kiss me on the lips. And I'm like, oh, haven't felt that in a while. No mustache, that's crazy.

I forgot what a kiss with no mustache felt like. You're so right, Elders. I remember that shit being in college and being so nervous and being like, maybe we'll try and get pussy. And this guy just still has, he still has the cocaine he snorted off a congressman's dick in his system from the night before. For me, I guess like being gay in college, it was tough because like,

I don't, I wasn't, the college I went to, I wasn't really like attracted to any of the gay dudes there. They were all a little just too much for me, for my college. Where'd you go? Central Michigan. Oh, wow. In the middle of, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, in the middle of Michigan, just the casino and the college. Yeah. Nothing else going on there. Yeah. And like, oh, did I ever tell you about the time I got arrested? No, I don't think so. Okay, so. Please. The only time I've been arrested.

It was like my last semester at Central. It was like a little icebreaker, like fall party at the casino. That's the Soaring Eagle Casino. Oh, hell yeah. They were holding like college events there? They had like ballrooms and stuff. So like there would be some guys that sometimes didn't even go to the school. Right, right, right. Just would throw parties there to get all the college kids to make some money. Gotcha, gotcha. So we had one of them parties. We're pre-gaming at like my homeboy's apartment. And I'm like, I got to go.

on a red bow tie. I got on a fly ass shirt. I'm like thinking I'm really the shit. And looking like gay like Pee Wee Herman. Oh I remember. The Kanye slotted sunglasses aesthetic. I had all of that going on. Yeah we're the same age. I remember that. So somebody spills like

a whole half of a bottle of vodka on me, like a couple cups worth. So I smell, I reek of alcohol at this point. By the time we get to the party, it's packed. - But you're not switching the outfit. - No, no, no, no. - You have vodka? - I'm dressed. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're dry, you're dry, yeah.

so we get into the party um it's packed so packed so packed that the security guards aren't letting people anyone else in but they're also strangely not letting anybody leave because i guess in their minds if we let people leave that people think they could come in because some people left right but that was such a weird thing for them to do so you just trapped at the party i have to piss yeah and i'm being told that i can't leave out of the the front entrance so i'm like what the fuck i have to

I have to pee. I'm trying to tell you I have to pee. I look and I see like a door on the side. So I'm like, maybe if I go in there, like, cause I'm like, at this point I'm going to pee on myself. And there's no bathroom. What are we talking about? But like, it's a ballroom. So the bathroom is like across the hall. So we, that's insane to not let people. It's crazy. So I walk, it's crazy. I walk into like this doorway. And at this point I'm like, I can't make it a single another step. So I, I,

I guess I'm in a closet or something that connects to like a kitchen area or something. So I see like a, I see an empty bottle of water on like a shelf. So I'm like, I know I'm going to overfill this shit, but I got to pee. So I'm whizzing into this fucking, fucking water bottle. And where are, you're just, you, I'm in like, I'm in between the ballroom. In between two areas. Exactly. It's like a workers like, like way to get between places. Midway through the,

I feel a hand on my shoulder. It is a police officer. And I'm like, bro, you're going to have to let me finish first. Like, I know I'm in trouble. I see who you are. My dick is out, sir. What do you want me to do? So I get arrested. First of all, I had walked, when we got into the party, I had walked past the line on some like, oh, we getting in, I know the person. But the same people who saw me walk past sawed

Saw me get arrested with a fucking red bow tie on. Trying to like explain to the cops not shutting up as I should be doing. Like, I'm not drunk, I promise. Smelling a vodka. Dick out. Dick out in the closet. Dick out. So I spend the night in jail. Wow. I mean, in the cell or whatever. It was so crazy. Did they have their own little casino jail or was it like a... No, we had to go. Well, no, they took me, like they booked me, my name.

My name was in the paper the next day. The paper? My name was in the paper. What the fuck? But my friends, you know, this was like 2012, no, 2011. So, like, you know, Twitter was like a thing, but it was like, you know, but it was a thing that you would do like amongst your friends. For sure. So all of my friends that were on Twitter in college was tweeting hashtag Free Atlas. But then they were all like,

like rallying together like motherfuckers was like loaning me like $30 to get me out selling video games and shit it was like little community to get you out I had little bail bonds it was like so crazy the next day but while I was there it was so crazy because like I was in a cell with like 10 other motherfuckers and they was trying to feed me give me food I'm like I don't want to eat this shit what are you talking about and my just like a big holding cell and a bunch of them knew each other so I'm like oh so this is just like y'all Saturday every Saturday

I was being so dramatic. What were they in there for? Just regular shit? I wasn't talking to the motherfuckers. I was trying to get up out of there. That was the saddest I've ever been. So then I have a court date. So I had to go. I had to pay a fine on like $150 or something. But then like the judge was like, she was like very much like, you know, you could be placed on the sex offenders list for this. I was like,

I played my case. I was like, Miss, Your Honor, I was trying to exit this party appropriately. I promise you, I was trying to. She was just like, disorderly conduct and that's it. It's expunged now, I think. Expunged. Thank you. Thank you very much. I have yet to get an applause for that story anytime I'm told. That's so funny.

That's so funny, dude. But yeah, that's Central Michigan. You know, I went to school with Antonio Brown. Oh, wow. Get the fuck out of here, really? So when he got released into the world, I was like, they not ready. Was he up to some wild shit back in the day? No, he was a wild boy in school, too. Like, I mean, like, it was...

It was entertaining for me. Of course. I didn't know it would be dark for others. Of course, of course. Allegedly, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done a whole host of wild shit. Mm-hmm. Damn, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, it was a wild time to be at Central. You guys must have been good. I mean, he was good, right? Oh, he was excellent in football, but socially, it was like, well... Yeah.

It was like a whole bunch of those Miami guys playing football, coming to Michigan, going to school in Chicago, not going to class, just causing mayhem, practicing and causing mayhem around campus. Yeah, yeah. White women everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, like Florida, Florida just...

Truly, they are some of the most incredible athletes. They're some of the best football players. Mentally unstable. But, like, yeah. All those guys are, like, they're all, like, Kodak Black. Like, they all have that, like, Florida, you know. I mean, Lamar's from Florida, too. And he seems to be the most...

put together like superstar from... I mean, that's probably not true because Florida has so many. But Lamar seems like, you know, he seems like an odd guy a little bit, but he's so good. I mean, it did feel like he didn't get the vaccine, but hey. Yeah.

Hey, a lot of motherfuckers did. I think we are at a point, at a critical point right now where you can look at someone and say, I know you're not vaccinated. I know you said fuck that shit. And it's like, you know what, you guys? And it's coming around to the point where it's like, you might have by accident been right. Right. Okay? It's like, you might have by accident. Because you've been alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard of a small majority. Yeah, yeah. Who knows what the fuck was going on.

Were y'all like in any like What college did you go to? He went to Maryland And I went to UMBC Which was half hour down the road It was like you know Just too low It was in the University of Maryland system So we were really close I was very close to Baltimore And he's about an hour out So hour 15 outside Right Were y'all part of like Any like clubs Or like student group Union groups and shit like that? Well this was a Go ahead I did art history association Ha ha ha ha ha ha

What were you like the parliamentarian or something like that?

I was pretty, I mean, it was like the most meager student club you've ever seen. It was so funny. Probably like seven people at any given time in a semester. And just like, you know. What were your big, what were your big, what were your most, biggest successes in the Art History Association? Where did you guys get going? Getting funding approved from the SGA to do like a $200 road trip to a museum in Philadelphia. Who was in it, dude? What was the squad like?

I don't know. The squad was pretty normal. One of them was like some party girl who's kind of a senior. She was pretty cool, fun, normal. It was kind of surprising. And it was just like, you know, me and just a couple random motherfuckers. It feels very close to my experience. I was part of this group called the Collective Action for Cultural Unity. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And I can't tell you a single fucking thing we did. Yeah. We'll, like, assemble every, like, Wednesday or whatever the hell. And, like, I do remember, though, I think we were the group that, like, had to be, like...

we had to like create events whenever like some racist shit would happen like there was one time somebody like somebody in like the science department like was in like I guess like tied some like test tubes out of like as nooses and like that was like a big thing on our campus and it was like around the time of like the genus six shit so we were like I was like I don't have to like we had we had to like you know put together curate like

panel discussions and shit like that I'm like what the fuck am I doing here I really man imposter syndrome should have kicked in but it didn't I just was like yeah I can do this I mean I truly was so useless in college like I be having dreams sometimes that like

That I'm back on my campus and like I haven't finished. That's so still accredited to get my degree. And I'm like, I definitely graduated. But like there's always like that idea of like I don't even remember. I don't know how I graduated because I was like really fucking like bad. I went to class and shit and just did all the easy shit. But like I was partying every chance I got. Oh my God. Yes. I mean, got my first STD.

I mean, my final year of school was like insane because like I was like broke as hell working at McDonald's and TJ Maxx in a dirty ass apartment living with some other motherfucker who probably dropped out or whatever. Just chilling in Mount Pleasant and like apartment dirty as shit. No furniture sleeping on the floor. And the floor I had I had hooked up. I hooked up with a catch this.

Male cheerleader. And that was the time I slipped up. Yeah. Didn't wrap it up. And I woke up, got into that apartment, pissed. I was like, ooh. Really? The classic burn. Had to go to the clinic, get the shot in the butt.

Dump it all out in 24 hours. But there's nothing, I don't think there will ever be a rock bottom for me more than having to lay on the floor of my dirty ass apartment. Not even an air mattress? Not even an air mattress. Dick on fire, calling McDonald's to tell them I can't come in, I'm sick.

That was like, oh, I have to get my life together. My cock is inflamed. I couldn't possibly make quarter pounders today. And when I tell you that turned me, that turned me, that really, I was like, I'm not topping no more. Now that's not true anymore. I'm back. That really burned me like literally. I'm not dipping my cock in any of these dirty gay asses. I truly was like, oh my God, is this what happens when you start fucking the girl? I didn't know.

That turned me into a full-fledged bottom. I was like, I'm taking it from here on out. But that is no longer true. I'm actually... Okay, you're back? I'm back. Nice, dude. With age... Have you aged out of bottoming? Yes. And that's a conversation that needs to be had. It does feel... Bottoming is a young man's sport.

Your asshole still snaps back. It's like an ACL. It's like, you know, Blake Griffin didn't dunk the same way in his 30s as he did in his 20s. You don't get fucked in your ass the same way in your 30s. You are saying all the right shit. I don't know.

I don't care what nobody got to say about your opinion. Let's not do it because we share that opinion. Thank you. That is a young man's point. I think after 30, hang your drawers in the rafters. Special occasions maybe, you know. Birthday shit. If you want to buy them on your birthday. Don't have too much dairy. But beforehand. But yeah, go ahead. I watch a lot of porn. And there is nothing crazier than when I like,

scroll through and see like some 45 year old motherfucker getting bent over like no this is childish behavior that's so funny you said there were too many so it's also supply and demand I mean you ask a lot of gay men they're like you know yeah we are overwrought with bottom act like where are all the tops I'm adding myself you're stepping up for the community I'm doing it for the community yeah

I truly am. But I can't, you know, I can't, I'm taking now. I'll stop. Oh, really? I'm in a relationship. Really? How long have you been dating? Four months. Good for you, man. It's been nice. That's great. It's been nice. Like, okay.

Okay. Yeah. Here's an issue I've been having. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's really within me. Yeah, yeah. I'd love to talk about this because you've been single pretty much the whole time we've been friends. I've had some like dating situations, but this is serious. Yeah. It felt like all the other ones that never really felt, it felt like just. They just fizzle. Yeah. But this has been nice. Yeah. I have been thinking though, I'm like,

I really do need to get my life together when it comes to my living. Because I'm not like a decorator. My apartment's fine. He's even said so. But I'm like, no, because I've been in your apartment. It's nice. It's nice. He got plants. He got paintings on the wall. Different fixtures on his doors. Yeah. Not the ones that came with the apartment. Yeah. And I'm like, my apartment ain't really doing the same thing. So it's like every time that I'm like... That's what happened when you started topping. Yeah.

You stopped. You lost your eye for design. I'm a little bit of a dirtbag. You know what I mean? I went to Paris in February. I still haven't unpacked from there. Clothes is everywhere. I'm like, yo, because it's not like I got trash and shit everywhere. It's just unorganized. And I'm like, that's just me? I just...

Yeah, I'm just a little scatterbrained sometimes and I'm just like, yeah, and it's like, you know, I live alone. So it's like everything, I don't have nobody to blame it on. Of course. I'm like, oh no, everything is here as it was. Once it's just you, yeah. So I'm kind of like, do I hire...

A designer? Or do I just grow the fuck up and, you know, organize my place? And is this, are you feeling like an overall, are you feeling like an overall, like, time to grow up thing? Like, I'm in a good relationship. He's very responsible. He's responsible. In a way that I'm not. Gotcha. And I think, slowly but surely, that's starting to show itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he still says, like, oh, no, you're good. Yeah. I'm like, you don't mean it. But surely every time we go out and it's, like, late,

And I'm like, can we go back to your apartment? I don't want to be. This is too late in the night to be faced. I don't need you to see the fucking lube stains on my fucking top sheet for me taking care of myself the morning before I saw you. Yeah, dude, you need a fresh top sheet for that.

Interesting. Because like my mom visits me every Mother's Day. And so since I moved into this one bedroom, she stays with me. And I was like, okay. So that's when I really like tidy up. I be buying plants. I hung some paintings on the wall. I was like, because I don't want her thinking I live in squalor or whatever. But it's like bare minimum though. I'm not like going all out. And the plants will die within three weeks. No, plants walk out of my apartment. This is not conducive to any sort of life I'm going to live.

But my mom, this is so funny, like, she walked in and just saw, like, my setup, and she was like, hmm, I thought you were gay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm like, look who's the fucking comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roasting your ass. I thought I had a gay son. I thought I had a gay son. I haven't been to a fucking brunch. I haven't fucking gone to a drag show. You have no fucking paintings on your walls. There's no kitschy stuff on your bookshelves. What is this? Truly, though, that's how my stepdad kind of like, he praises me for that. He's like, you know what? My son's still a man. Yeah.

Might be gay. Might be gay. Still a dude. And I'm like, I fuck with that line of thinking. Thank you. Thank you. I love you too. A gay guy even a slightly homophobic man could love. That's a nice line to walk. Yeah, dude, I agree with you about the like, you know, it's maybe it is time. I got a place in Baltimore and I'm

I'm trying to make it look... I bought a couple actual paintings. I went to a fucking gallery and I bought... That is the only time I ever felt rich where I looked at a painting on the wall and I was like, yes, I'll take that one. It wasn't expensive, but it just felt like I'm like, yes, that one and that one. But yeah, I bought a little art. I did talk to... It's not like I hired a fucking full-time designer, but I'm talking just to get somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing because I feel like I have...

You know, I give it my best shot, but it's not like my taste is that good. Or even that I know how to put a room together. Like, there's a couple things I love. Like, I can pick out a couple cool things, but, you know, I'm no fucking designer. But I feel that. I definitely feel a general sense of, you know...

The clock's fucking ticking, bro. And it's like, I feel like both of us, when you're doing anything with a weird path and you finally feel secure, you know, you've been at SNL for a while now. My shit's going, starting to feel like, you know, I've at least gotten through my head that like, I'm good. You know what I mean? Like I'm secure enough where I can plan my life

And, you know, we're at the age where it's like, yeah, youth is gone, bro. You know what I mean? Bottoming is over. Bottoming's over. Bottoming's over. I'm drinking Diet Coke. We're drinking Diet Coke. And I got to buy some babies. We're hitting the gym just to not die. Just to not die. You know? Trying to avoid potential injury. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I definitely feel that. And I feel like, you know,

yeah, you just gotta, there's a little bit of that. It's a strange time in life because no one wants to hear, old people don't want to hear you talk about how you're getting old because they would fucking slit, you know, they would slit someone's throat to be 35 or whatever. And young people just do mock you for being old. Like to them, you are old. And I'm like, okay, good luck with that. Once you get up out the bed weird one day, you're gonna be like, I should have listened to that. Yeah, yeah.

But I'm with it. I mean, I do, I definitely feel that of like, you know, trying to make my shit look like I'm not a divorced father. You know, you don't want a divorce. My shit looks like, you know, like me solving murders and everything. Yeah, yeah. You're trying to find your wife's real killer. There's no time to. One single, like, moment.

That's definitely what it's giving in my apartment. But see, my mom tried to help me out. She like, I guess went online and like there's like this service that like you can take pictures of like, you know, from your, from online and like frame them and they'll send those, they'll mail them to you like these little cubes. Oh yeah, I've seen those. She bought like, she ordered like 20 of these

Half of which are pictures of my family, pictures of family members and me with friends at weddings and shit like that. But then the other half were just all pictures of me.

my head shots. She took pictures of me that were tagged that she loved. People at comedy shows and my head shots. I called her. I was like, what makes you think I'm getting ready to put these up in my apartment? 20 pictures of yourself. With my fucking clearance time and fucking me and Jesus. She was so mad. She was so mad. She was like, Alice, I wish you would have told me that before I ordered it. I'm like, I don't know why you thought I would be posting pictures of myself over and over. Give it back to her. I would look absolutely

absolutely crazy. Lunatic. I would look insane. You'd look like a fucking lunatic. I mean, you're in a relationship now, but imagine you like invite someone over to just, and just to fuck, right? Salute the gay guys. They got that figured out. You'll let somebody just come over that you don't know to fuck. And imagine being a guy, imagine walking into a guy's place that you're about to hook up with, you don't know, and you see he has 20 pictures of himself. You're like, he's going to kill me. He's going to kill me. But the dick is going to be

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's two things happening. It's two problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? I did fuck up in some of the placement because there is a picture of like my mother in my bedroom and I'm like, well, that's not good because I don't want to be coming and looking at my mom. You don't want that. You don't want that possibility.

You do not want that bus, Billy. We got to take that one down and put it in the living room. Got to go in the living room. No way. Yeah, I considered that too because I was like, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my bedroom and I'm like, no loved ones in here. No loved ones in the bedroom. This is for busting. This is a place of rest and busting.

This is not a place of thinking of the ones you love platonically the most. Oh, that's fucking wild. But that's nice though, man. You're in a, you know, serious relationship and you're feeling good about it. Yeah, it's going really good. You know, it's crazy though. Like,

Anytime I start to seriously date someone, that's when my Instagram Discover page is just off the charts. It's just ass. Yeah, they're trying to get you back. And you know what? I'm going to say this. I've been going on the record a lot today. I love it. And I'm going to continue this. I love it. Because I've been making an observation both in the gym and on social media. I want to apologize to white men. Thank you. About time. Stop right there. For a long time in the podcast.

White men have dick. Well, you can take that apology back. You should have been more specific. This doesn't really apply to the men in this room. Listen, I don't mean to trigger y'all. Y'all are my boys.

But I've been going to the gym. Between going to the gym and what I've been seeing online, I don't know what the white boy's been eating. Right, right, right. But, like, they are out here swinging. Mm-hmm, yeah. Ass too. I'm like, because I think the narrative for a long time, like, in the 90s, you, like, watched those, like, Def Jam videos. Sure. White men used to get ragged on a lot for having, like, tiny dicks. Sure, sure, sure. And I'm like, I don't know what the, it must have been shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shit in nature happened because I'm like, whoa. When white women got asses, naturally the white dick had to evolve to keep pace. To get past the bigger ass cheeks. That's possible. That was an observation I had lately. I've been in the gym like, wow, look at these guys. And you didn't date a lot of white guys or no? No.

Some of my black friends would say... That you did. He been doing that. But actually, we were just having that conversation with Marie yesterday. I was with her. And she was like...

Yeah, I'm like, yeah, everybody making this joke. You show up with two white boys back to back and oh, now Alex only fuck white boys. No, I have equal opportunity. I fuck everybody. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. But the thing is, though, like for me, the whole race thing was just like, oh, I was only having sex with black dudes because I'm from Detroit and that's all I saw. Yeah, I get that. My first boyfriend was black.

In college, I had a boyfriend that was black. When I first got to New York, all I was fucking was niggas. And then I discovered Latinos. And I was like, hello.

I was like alright this is fun yeah this is cute and then I dated a Filipino guy before went to another white guy and now now I'm now I'm in Brazil oh look at you good for you a little tour of the world yeah I mean I've always had like a very I was closed off before like earlier you know I was always like I ain't fucking no white man like I ain't no white man but I met the right one and I was like oh okay I could do this sounds pretty good I can figure this out

Yeah. I definitely, I mean, I think about that because most of my early jacking off was black girls because I went to Baltimore City Public Schools. Yeah, that's what you're around. So I would, you know, and I haven't fucked as many black girls as I would have liked. You know, high school me, there's still time. There is still time. We'd like to get it, you know, gals, if you're out there, if you want, if you want to make 14-year-old me's dreams come true.

When you're on the road, do your audiences, do you have black women in attendance? Yeah, but not as many as you'd like, you know? Are they like waiting? Are they like waiting? Okay, so let me make a public... On the road, I have, it's most, it is, I'm trying to think. Black women in America, go to Stops,

shows. Thank you. Yeah. Put this in the clip. Thank you. Make it a short like this is I'm telling the black women. Thank you. Thank you. Go get laugh. Yeah. I'm single. I'm single. Yeah. Get your pussy nice and good and wet from laughing. That's right. And listen to this man. Come get style. Some of the best black meat. I would love nothing more gals.

Look, I don't want to. If I have kids, you think I want to make another white person? No. But that's not up to me. Who's going to let me nut inside of them? I don't want. We could end white people in a generation. If you just fuck. That's what black people think. Get rid of us. Oh, interesting. We're back. Back to Dr. Umar. We always talk about Hotef.

when we get on this show. I love that we get back to this. Back to Dr. Umar. You know what it is now? That ideology has kind of trickled over into black gay, the black gay community. There are a lot of black, oh, don't let the black gays on that side of the conversation catch me talking like this. They gonna come for my ass real hard. There's a big conversation happening right now about like,

Wow. You know, if you lay down with the white man as a gay black man, you are a buck breaker. You are, you've been enough for the oppressor. They're copying that language. And there's like, I guess. That's insane because there's no way, like, I'm going to guess Dr. Omar, not the most LGBTQ friendly guy. Yeah.

Like, there's no way those hotep guys are like big on. It's like it's like this weird thing of like almost like you're not going to get accepted here. It's like black Republicans. Right. I don't even think it's the I don't think it's acceptance. I'm sorry. Gay Republicans. Yeah. I mean, which I mean, either one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even think they're craving the acceptance of like a Dr. Umar type. They're just adopting the language to speak on a greater thing of like.

A cultural thing. Yeah, like... Overall for black people in general. In general, of like a conversation of like, this is like erasing... It's like, no, we don't produce. So, number one, we can do that. Yeah, whatever you want. Yeah, so it's... I don't know. I mean, it's a tricky conversation to have. That is interesting. I'm not gonna stop fucking anybody I want, so that ain't gonna stop me. But like, I think that like...

It's interesting to me the way, like you said, gay Republicans. I mean, have you seen the revamp, the black revamp of Candace Owens? No. I'm loving this spin she's doing. What's she doing? She's showing up on black media, going to Breitbart's club, talking to black journalists. She's kind of doing a little circle to the community. What's she trying to do? Is it working? I don't know. I think she's trying to run for president. I can see that. Which, honestly, I don't know.

How crazy would that be? Our first black woman president is like, starts to Republican. I think that's what this country deserves, actually. That's true. This was actually a Comptown bit where Mullen, it was a great point, how the funniest thing in the world would be if the first woman president was black or any minority because then white women would have to pretend they were happy for them. It's like,

And you could tell. And then if it just kept going, it was like, black woman president, Chinese. Then goes back to, like, Latino guy, then white guy. And it never gets to white woman. How it would be, they would be so pissed for, like, 50 years and they have to keep pretending they were happy about it. I'm going to say this. That would be hilarious. If we had a black woman as the president and she's Republican, we might get revenge. Yeah.

Yeah. She's like, big mistake. I'm my own girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, you fell for our ruse. I will be appointing Dr. Umar Secretary of State. It was a Trojan, it was a Republican Trojan horse. White slavery is coming back. And the first thing we're getting rid of is loving Virginia. Goodbye. And all interracial marriages are null. They've been.

They've been dissolved in the ice. Segregation is back. We're having black only water fountains. White people, y'all don't get water fountains. White people have puddles now. Y'all drink from the street. Drink from the sewer. I love it. That would be quite the... That's how to do it, folks. It's not going to be through Obama.

He's not coming back. He's not coming back. To me, it's like, oh, he's not coming back. No, no, no. He's making Netflix documentaries. Oh, my God. Did you see Rustin? I didn't. Look, I love Carmen Domingo. I love the moment he's having in Hollywood, but that movie was so boring. But it's like, oh, yeah, the Obamas made this. It's not going to be good. Book report-ass movie. Dude, I just remember when he left office being like,

All right. Like, I was like, you know, this is going to be good. He's a young president. Like, I remember like just doing the mental gymnastics to be like,

okay, he couldn't get everything done he wanted to in his term, but as like a figure in our politics, it just kind of like looms over shit. And then the second he's out of office, he's fucking paragliding with Richard Branson. He's paragliding with billionaires. It's like, oh no, of course he's not going to do anything good. He's a rich fuck. He's a part of the, you know, the same thing with like,

I mean, the reason fucking Joe Biden's fucking dementia ass is president is because Bernie was winning and then Obama makes the call to all the moderates to be like...

Everybody fall in line behind Biden. You know, I was an Elizabeth Warren guy. But I also like, you know, which is like really gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As I said, I was saying it out of my mouth. I was like, that might be the gayest thing I've ever said. I was down for Elizabeth Warren. She was like really smart. And I'm like, oh, this is. But I knew it. And she was pretty liberal too. I knew she had no chance. It was like, damn, that's fucked up. No sauce, yeah. She had no sauce, yeah. She wasn't out here calling people bitches to they face. You know, not enough.

You gotta match with this motherfucker. I know. She would've gotten worked by Trump. She would've asked him. Would've gotten worked by Trump. What was he calling her? Pocahontas? Yeah, yeah. I mean, back then, it's so funny. I mean, he's so funny. There's no way we can pretend he's not the most fucking hilarious guy of all time. People hate when I say this. But it's not. They're lying to me. When I met him. Yeah. I met him before. Oh, yeah, because he did SNL. No. I was a kid when he did SNL. Oh, you weren't. I used to work at a...

at like a restaurant down in the financial district and like back in like 20, this was before he got, this was before the election, before he got into politics. Yeah, before he got into politics, he was the funniest guy of all time. Everything he did was hysterical. I mean, we've talked about this before. In college, we would play him talking about Rosie O'Donnell. We had like

that monologue. He was talking about how he's going to fuck her wife and I'm going to take some money out of her fat ass pockets. We were just like, who fused with Rosie O'Donnell? Besides Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Yeah, and then it became, he became, everything funny about him also just translated into darkness. But he still, sorry to cut you off. No, he was a good tipper.

Awesome. I was like, oh my God. He was like holding court with the table, talking to me all nice or whatever. I don't remember really what he said, but it was just like, oh, this is the guy on TV that I like. And then he come down that fucking escalator. I'm like, well, who the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what, I mean, Shane's met him before. I think he met him at UFC. And he was just talking about how it's like, yeah, he's just an old rich guy who compliments everyone. He's just like a-

He just tells everyone they're handsome. Yeah. He literally told every man he saw he looked very handsome. And it's like, that's hilarious. He's a rich old guy who's like, you look beautiful. It's like telling other men they fucking look handsome is such a funny move. Anyway.

My goodness. Whatever. We're not going to solve the election right now, but we can solve some people's problems, Alex. Oh, yeah. I think with your expertise, we can really help our friends here. So I'll just... Why don't you dial up some... And by the way, do you have anything to plug? Anything you want people to check out? I forget the date, but at the end of July, I will...

I will be in Nashville. Okay. And I'm doing a Zayn. Zaynish? Yes. Zaynish. I'm trying to remember the name of the club. So yeah, they already have it online. So just look for it. Get on the calendar. Go to the end of July. You're going to hit the road a little bit when you guys are off? I don't really have a whole lot of dates set up yet. Cool. But I'll probably like check in with that. My Instagram is public. Check out his shit. Check out Alex's shit. Great point, my friend.

who's on this podcast right now. I just want to take a break from our riveting conversation to highlight the listeners of this show because we've told them over and over again, hey, give us a five-star review. And some of them will do it to the kindness of their hearts, but others, they need attention. And we're here to give it to them. So what we're going to do here, occasionally on this program, when we don't have another, when we don't have a mid-roll advertisement,

We will highlight some of our favorite five-star reviews. You'll get on here if you're witty, you keep it quick, and you don't, and it's five stars. Take the four stars and shove them. I don't want to hear, this is North Korea media as far as I'm concerned. And listen, you can trash us. You can trash me and Elvis, but give us five stars. Trash us personally, say something nice about the show and give us five stars. You can be on it.

We prefer if you didn't. For example, here our friend Joel Ocasio says, maybe some connection to Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. Who knows? Best show he's ever heard. Stabby Baby could bang my girlfriend if I had one. This is the only show that I am checking my phone every 10 minutes the day of an episode is to come out. Sounds like Eldest needs to be doing a little better with the uploads.

Love it. Keep doing it. And if you ever make a movie, please use an all-Albanian indentured servant crew for the set. Yeah, right. And the fucking cameras go missing overnight. Nice thinking.

But thank you for that five-star review. Here's one from Skolnia, the best comedian podcast right now. Wow, that makes us feel good. Listening to this show as a balding man has given me the confidence to grow my hair out. That's what I like to hear. No one has a better time with guests and gives incredible life advice while being funny. I even love Eldest and his incompetence. Hey, it's shocking how good Eldest is. The fact that this show comes out at all is incredible. He really pulls it off.

Here's one from Han Jason. I peed. One of the best podcasts. Are you garbage? Episode is insanely funny. Love those boys. My coworkers now think I have a disability or I'm on lots of drugs from laughing so hard. Well, that's what we can hope for is that your coworkers think you're fucked up on the job thanks to this podcast.

Thank you for those five-star reviews. Do we have any more? That's it for this ep? One more? Sure. Jess2Drunk. Without question, the best podcast out there. Stop being so witty, funny, and incredibly easy to binge. Jeez, Jess, thank you. Best patron out there as well. Only $5 a month. You get exclusive episodes at...

Ad free. That's correct. One of the only comedians I can not recognize the first name of and decide to listen to anyways. Stavi introduced me to so many incredible comedians and puts them on. I do like doing that. A real comedian's comedian. If I can go back in time, it would be to when I found Stavi's world. Eldest, you rule. Now that's beautiful. Eldest does rule. And thank you for putting an organic plug to the Patreon in there too. We're just doing this to get five star reviews. But hey, if you want to sign up for the Patreon, just to drunk, uh,

They are right about that. We also have a great Patreon and we don't miss... We've never in almost... Is it over two years? How long have we been doing this? A year and a half?

I think it'll be two years this fall or winter. Two years, yeah, that's right. Two years in December. In a year and a half, we haven't missed an upload ever. We've been late like only a handful of times. Yeah, sure. There's been a handful of 10 p.m. uploads. Right. Eldest is on the day it comes out. It's come out at 11 p.m., which are you even doing it that day? Not really. But hey, he was probably on vacation and assured me it wouldn't affect his work quality. He could definitely find Wi-Fi in Hawaii. Yeah.

But either way, we've never taken a day off, and we won't. We record in batches so that the people have a steady stream of podcasts. But thank you for the five-star reviews. Keep them coming. We love you. And now, what were we talking about, buddy? All right, I'll just play us a couple calls. Okay. What's up, Stoddy? I work in a service industry job, and...

I just made a horrible mistake by hooking up with a co-worker last night. Classic. And she's cool and everything. She's a little bit older than me. I'm like 23 and she's like 29. But I'm worried it's going to make things awkward at work because...

There's no way that nobody talks about it or anybody is able to keep this under wraps. Yeah, of course. And I was also hooking up with a different co-worker prior to that. Respect. Who still works there. So now we're all going to be working together and everybody that we work with is going to know. Oh, this fucking dumbass. That I'm a piece of shit.

I love it. It's not.

But yeah, I would appreciate it. I love these calls. This style of call is awesome. This nigga work at the beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's literally like... Go ahead, were you going to say something? An aspiring manager at a restaurant. I'm sure he won't be fucking any other employees. I know, dude. First of all, there's the culture of working in restaurants. You're 23 and you're like, it's not an option. Let me tell you something. It is an option. Yeah, you're so young. You can fucking go to a different seafood restaurant. Right. But also...

I love this genre of call where people do something horrible and they're like, it's like, it's the equivalent of like the call is like,

They don't call you to talk them out of the murder. They call you to help clean up the body. And it's like, dude, you did it. You already fought. You knew what you were doing. You're a young dumbass. And listen, I'm not even judging you. That's what working in restaurants is. That's what it is. Did you ever work in restaurants? Yeah, always. I mean, there was a lot of women a lot of times that I worked with, like waiting tables, stuff like that. Usually the guys were like the chefs in front of house sometimes too. But I think like...

How is it impossible that no one talks about it, though? I'm like, I'm wondering, is the dynamic there? No, they're going to talk about it. You think? Absolutely. Because I don't know that people just be like publicly being like, you know, I fucked him, right? Or like, come on. In restaurants, they weren't they weren't gossiping about who was fucking who. I don't really recall there being a lot of that. Like behind each other's backs. You don't think like if you're in a restaurant and somebody and, you know,

The new girl fucks the fucking chef. Chef, mm-hmm. You don't think people are going to start whispering about that? Maybe, I guess, or even just the way people behave around people who have hooked up, I guess, could be obvious. Exactly, and I'm just going off, because I never worked service industry. I was always too clumsy and stupid, and you couldn't remember. I mean, you spend a lot of time with these people. You spend like 15-hour days with them. Totally, but I'm working at just offices, right?

Oh. It spread. Who fucked who? Was all over. It was all over the lunchroom. But I kind of want to say, I feel like he's overestimating the impact of it. You know what I mean? It's possible. People...

People be fucking. And I think we're at a point in time right now where it's just like, oh, you fucked him? Yeah, I fucked him too. Okay, yeah, let's just put these chicken wings on this fucking plate and let's keep it moving. I don't think it's as deep as... But I don't know their relationship either. But I do think you might be onto something where it's like, look, dude, you might actually be the little piece of ass they're passing around. Yeah, right.

You're worried about all their feelings. You're 23. She's 29. I don't know how old the other girl was. But you might be for the team. You don't even know that. You might be getting your fucking little boy pussy worked over. You might be getting, you know, sexed into TGI Fridays. That's a possibility, you know? That is a possibility. Now, I think, my guess is maybe, you know, maybe she's a little, she's 29. I mean, you also can't tell though because people who are like career...

like service industry people that don't aren't doing it to do something else right or even if they are and like if let's say this woman's like a 29 year old actress who it just hasn't happened for her for fucking eight years and now she gotta settle into this position and like and so like sometimes it can go either way I can see it going either way because it's like these people are either like whatever I'm just trying to get a nut off this guy who cares or like

People start getting desperate when shit doesn't go their way and they've been a waiter the whole time and no one's buying that screenplay and like, you just never know, right? So we do need a little more context. I'd say... And it also matters on how...

Yeah. Oh, how he handles it. I think how he should go about it is like, don't bring it up unless somebody else brings it up to you. Definitely. Because you can't control people talking about it behind your back, but you can control your engagement with it. They can know whatever. Until they confront you with it, maybe just like...

Don't even bother. Don't even let it change the way you behave at work. Yeah, don't try and get ahead of it. Don't try. Yeah, like you didn't harm anyone. Lay low, brother. Yeah, lay low. You didn't harm anyone. Just kind of like, you know, you had your sex. They got theirs too. I wonder though. I agree with you, but I wonder the thing tripping me up is the different co-worker. The other co-worker. Because we don't know anything about that. And we don't know anything about this one either because he's just said it like it's a hookup. Like,

Was it a drunken hookup? Has this woman been pursuing him for a while? Has he been pursuing her? Are there feelings involved? Did he dog the other girl, right? Is the other girl maybe somebody his age who wanted to date him and he just fucked her and kind of ghosted her and just ignores her at work? He cream-pied both of them and said, I love you when he came.

You're the only one for me Looking at my eyes And then he cream-pidered Or he fucked one of them Better than the other Right That's another conversation You know what I mean That's another one He sucked your toes He didn't suck my toes What the fuck Yeah There's a lot There's a lot missing here But I'd say Just err on the side Of just like Leave it Leave it where it is If they are talking about it Hey Whatever I also I also just Sometimes you get a young call And it's like

It doesn't really matter. These are the mistakes of youth. There might be fallout, but guess what? Life is not over. You'll figure it out. And the next time you're presented with this, you know how to behave. And also, even though the importance he places on this job,

I'm willing to bet my life you're wrong about not quitting this job, about this job, not quitting this job, not being an option. It is a huge option. I mean, I'm curious like where he lives and like, cause you know, in his voice it sounds like, oh yeah, this is like, I need this job. It feels like that.

And look, you might need a job, but it's still the same thing where it's like... But you're 23. You're 23. There's so much opportunity waiting for you in your life. Like, a 23-year-old, the manager might have said, yeah, man, one day I can see you doing this. And in his mind, he's working towards a management position. You know what I mean? Like, I've been that stupid where I'm like, things have dawned on me after the fact where I'm like, that guy doesn't even remember what he said to me. I remember that gig that I took you to in Fredericksburg.

the first one where we're smoking clove cigarettes in virginia oh yeah yeah so there was this guy i did a bringer right and you know uh gosh i missed those i did a bringer i did a bringer at a at a seafood restaurant when i was 19 and on at college park and a lot of my friends from high school went to that school and it was like oh stop i was gonna go do stand-up so i brought like you know how it is when you first do comedy and like in a bringer for everybody who doesn't know is like

You have to bring at least five people. They're the worst shows in comedy. Because all your friends are laughing only at you. Because these are really shitty promoters that don't want to do any work, so they prey on new comics who can still get people to come. Because after a while, even your best friends...

It's like people come the first five times you do stand up. And they're like, dude, how many times do I got to pay a cover and two drinks for this? Yeah. And then... Same 10 jokes, 10 minutes. Totally, totally. And then they won't come again for a decade unless you're successful. Now my friends come, right? Yeah. But back then... So there's this whole business model to take advantage of these dumb little open... These 19-year-olds doing stand up, right? So I...

I go, you know, dude, we must have like 20 people from high school came. Like, I packed the place out. I crush, of course, because you had all your friends. And, you know, the jokes are horrible. Horrific jokes. 19-year-old jokes. 19-year-old fat hack. Like, some might say I'm still a fat hack, but...

Imagine if you think I'm bad at comedy now. Think about me, 19. I've done it three times in my life, right? Humping the stool. Dude, yeah. No, I didn't have the confidence, but I wanted to. It's a lot of like, I'm too fat for that. I can't even wipe my own ass. That was literally one of the punchlines.

Anyway, I cried. What it feels like to me, crushing. And then this other comic who was on the thing, he's like, dude, that was fucking awesome. Like, you should come do my fucking thing. And it paid 50 bucks. I was like, holy shit, I'm already getting paid gigs. I'm going to make it, right? And then this, for my entire stand-up career, this was a big moment. I always looked at this thing as like a huge thing. And...

I was like, and it still was cool. Like I did pretty well. We obviously didn't bring any people because it was like two hours away. Right. But I was like, it was really fun. And Eldest came with me and we made like a whole thing of it. And years later, that same, he was originally from Boston. Years later, that same guy is working at the, I'm opening for Bobby. Right. And we're in Boston and he's hosting. He happens to be hosting. Right. And I'm like, oh, dude,

what the fuck it's crazy to run into you it's been years and he's like yeah he's like hey man and he's like not he's like he's excited to see me but he doesn't really give a fuck you know and he's like and the first thing this guy says he's like yeah man I mean we did that show and I just thought you were gonna bring like 30 people that's why I gave you that thing and I was like

I was like, what? You didn't think I was the next fucking rising star in stand-up? He purely saw how many kids I brought. And he was like, oh, this guy's going to fill a room. And my whole life, this thing that I thought was like a sign I'm destined to do stand-up was just a guy who...

wanting to sell... Using you for your friend. He wanted to sell $300 more tickets, right? Yeah. And so that's what... And I was younger. I was about this age. I was like 21, 20, whatever, 19. And so I think it's very possible that you... Like just are you really being groomed for a management position or did somebody just give you like a... Did a manager give you a compliment? I'm just saying all this shit... You're in your head about a lot of this. All this shit is... And I know it's... When you hear this advice...

It doesn't feel good. Because I know to this guy, this little love triangle and his job is the most important thing in the world. This will not matter to you in three years. None of this will matter to him. You won't remember those women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, but yeah, lay low, whatever happens, happens. And I would just say really reconsider how it's, how not an option, how much of a not option it is to quit. And I'm not saying don't have a job, but I'm saying maybe look at other restaurants, look at other stuff. If you really have, if it's uncomfortable, if it's fine, if everybody's just chilling and nobody's talking about it, don't be paranoid about it. You're all talking about it. Like that's not going to bode well for you either. Yeah.

Yeah. Just chill. Just go about it. You brought up the bringer shows, though. When I started doing bringer shows, I used to log in a grinder and have dudes come to the show. That's how I got my people in. And then they would, like, message me and be like, hey, what's up? And I would already be gone. Weaponizing these guys' horniness.

Wow, that's fucking hilarious. That's awesome. Damn. Imagine being that horny you go see open mic level comedy. Yeah, stop. Weren't you always doing that with chicks too back when you were a child? Yeah, I would get all these pussy to come by just begging for my cock. Sometimes they would bring their friend too. I'm over my threshold. That's hilarious. Yeah.

I love that. You know, it's funny. You should have been like, hey, man, I'm not there anymore, but there's three other horny guys in the audience. Why don't you guys all suck each other off? If you go on your grid, you can see all the young people waiting to show their stuff. Good luck. Good luck. Honestly, probably not a bad consolation prize. If I'm those guys, I'm like, all right, whatever. Hit us with another one, Eld. Hey, Starr.

I know the transcriptions. I'm calling because I have a question for you regarding dad. My dad has basically always been like a fail dad my whole life. Classic. He fucked everything up. He always fucks things up. Anyways, he recently lost his job, which sucks, you know, but he keeps finding these other jobs that just aren't legit and

For example, I think most recently he's gotten involved with a multi-level marketing team. Oh no. I don't know if he realizes that's what it is. But all I can think about is how much this could torpedo him downward even more than he already is. Oh my God. I have a three-year-old little brother. I'm 30. What? And I just like worry about their future. I worry about their security. He has a three-year-old?

Pause that.

I mean, just right there, you see what kind of relationship they have. She's like, any dad wouldn't want his daughter to warn him about a scam. Do you understand what that says about your relationship with your parent? Like, if I told my mom, Ma, this guy's stealing money from you, she'd be like, oh, you saved me again, Stavro. Like, she'd be so happy. Like, that just says so much about how your dad can't ever have you

Like being right or like he has such insecurity, which probably because he's a fucking idiot and fucked everything up. He has so much insecurity about being corrected about something that if this guy is in his feelings about you trying to stop him from getting scams, you're not like being a cunt to him for no reason. You're lovingly trying to make sure your three-year-old brother has clothes. You know what I mean? Like that. Anyway, let's keep going, Aldous. All right.

Let's finish here. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to end up in a couple years seeing my dad and being like, wow, maybe if I had said something, he wouldn't be in such a bad place now. Anyways, yeah, I love your show. Oh, man. Thanks for listening. This is a tough one. Oh, man.

Having a dad that just doesn't know how to operate and function as a person, that must be very stressful. It's stories like this that make me thank God that my dad was in prison most of my life. I think I can truly see a path of my biological father being like this. And I'm like...

I feel for you, girl. Do you see your biological father at all? The last time I saw him during the holidays, he had hip replacement surgery. No, he got into a car accident, which then triggered him. I guess he's still in the process of suing whatever truck company that hit his car. And then he got hip replacement surgery following that. But what he never told me was that

The hip replacement, he has needed that hip replacement long before the accident. So he's trying to get the company to pay for it. The reason why he has been needed, the reason why he's been needed is because he was shot several times during a drug deal that went wrong when I was like two years old. Jesus Christ. Every time I come here, I give you a stupid, crazy story about my father. So I feel for you, girl. So you get it. If anybody gets it, you get it. I'm here for you on the dumb dad shit. That's crazy. I mean, like...

I have questions, too, because I'm just like, what is his education level? Sure. I mean, the fact that you're 30 and your brother is three is telling me a whole lot of other stuff, too. Yeah, absolutely. That's crazy. The decision-making. Hold on. Bad decision-making. And the brother complicates things because, look, if it's just your dad and he's a piece of shit and, like, you know, you can be there for him, but it's not your thing. Like, the little brother's really tough. Yeah. Because it's like, look...

Without him, if your dad fucks his life up, that's sad, but hey, he's a fucking adult. He's your father. It's not like... Yeah, I mean... But with a kid, it's like, fuck. It is around in your 30s when you start to just... And this is said ad nauseum now, though, but you realize, oh, yeah, like, your parents are, like, actual human beings that don't know everything, that be getting fucked up, like, that just be fucking... Yeah, I...

I don't know. It feels like she may have to take that three-year-old brother in. Legitimately. He's not willing to listen to reason. I'm like, you stop. I'm like, you can't be worried about, you know, his feelings. Definitely. You got to be straight up with him and be like, yo, you fucking up. You need to find, like, a real good, honest job. You need to go work at that restaurant at that last call. Yeah. Truly. You need to get him because, like, yeah, you don't be...

Yeah, and I wonder how old her father is. I know. It's too old to be, but I mean, if you're falling for this, you gotta be of a particular age. You gotta be like, he gotta be at least 60. Well, you never know. I mean, this guy could have had her when he was 20. You know what I mean? Right, right. You know, like, but still 50. Still 50. 50, 50, 60, something like probably between

I feel bad for the dad though I still feel I feel bad Cause it feels like I don't know if he's like Aggressive Or like if he Takes correction or whatever But it feels It There's like a charm to it For me where I'm like Oh he's just like a He's just kind of like a guy Who fucks up Cause you know I fuck up sometimes And I'm like Oh I want him to like Kind of

see life in a more narrow like straight straighter path but like you know I've yeah I've been there but I mean that's also I mean that's also that makes so much sense that you would have that opinion because your biological dad's like that but you also because your stepdad got

to have stability. So it didn't negatively affect you and your mom was really great about when he was, you know what I mean? So you kind of got the best of both worlds in that you can have a lot of empathy because your dad didn't fuck your shit up but at the same time you see where he fucked up and so you can hope for the best and yeah, I feel for this guy too. I mean, I feel for anyone that's desperate enough to fall for an MLM.

I mean, yeah, that's a good question. I'm going to guess if she is, the kid ain't hers. Yeah. I'm going to guess this is a half brother. I mean, or, or the fact maybe like, maybe her, maybe her, her,

mother i'm gonna say her mother is alive her they're divorced definitely not that because if her mom well i don't know it's just like there has to be a woman somewhere to be like well hey let's get it together that's not his daughter yeah totally and i mean that's the other thing about this guy you're right because it's 30 year old 30 year old and three year old kid says to me like yeah there's these fuck ups that maybe are handsome that can scam their way into like living off a woman essentially

Yeah. Like that's a very specific type of archetype of shitty dad that he might, and you know, not even, we're not even talking about like,

the most handsome guy of all time. We're just like, you know, he's a six amongst threes. You know what I mean? But, um, I think the key here though is what you said, Stav, is where she says, I can't imagine my dad wants to hear from his daughter. Say it anyway. Exactly. It doesn't matter what he wants. Right. He's off that, you know, and also you, and that's, again, that said, this is so much because you can tell she never just says what she thinks. She always has to worry about his feelings. And honestly, girl,

If he don't take the correction and his shit spirals and he gets scammed out of all his money, call Child Protection Services and just get your brother out of that situation. Yeah, literally, truly. If you're that concerned, you know what I mean? Take action. Because you don't want it to get too far and then your brother is fucked up over this shit. Yeah, but you definitely should say something. You should definitely talk to him. If your dad's going to be fucking weird about it, then it's like, all right, well...

fuck off. It's like, you don't, don't talk to me because you're at this point. Don't come crying to me when all your money is leaked out of your fucking account. Like, yeah. So yeah, definitely say something and also like, really think about, you know, what kind of relationship you want to have with him. I get that your brother, you know, your brother definitely complicates things because if it was for the brother, I would say, if it was for the brother, my advice would be,

Tell your dad, if he responds poorly, give him an ultimatum that he cannot talk to you that way. And if he ever crosses that boundary, just cut him out of your life. If you've said he's failed you so many times, that's what I would say. Now, again, the brother complicates things a little bit, but you still shouldn't allow your dad to kind of like behave any way he wants towards you. So definitely say something, see how it goes, feel it out. But, you know, and ultimately, as hard as it is to say, you have to realize that

This isn't your job. That's number one. You cannot be trying to fix it. He's your parent. But he's also a grown-ass man. He's your parent. He's a grown-ass man. He's a grown-ass woman. That grown-ass man is making his own grown-ass decision. Totally. Yeah, and I'm saying he's your parent in that the relationship should be... He needs to be worried about you surviving. Like, it's crazy. It really should be the other way around. That's the whole job is he raises you. You can't be... I know, you know, and I definitely feel, you know, I...

There's a little projection here maybe for sure because I definitely feel that way about my... I feel like I have to take care of my whole family. So I get that. But if all they're going to be is... If this guy, all he's going to do is be a headache for you, you can't worry about that. And you have to start at least standing up for yourself within the context of this relationship if you want to have one with him. And as sad as it is... And I'm not going to tell you, fuck the little kid. But he's got a mom, he's got a dad.

even the kid is not your responsibility now if you obviously you know what is technically your responsibility and what like emotionally is a responsibility it's like obviously i'm not saying if you feel the need to help him out help him out but just keep all that stuff in mind and you know part of me part of me wonders like how down bad the dad really is i mean obviously like doing like a ponzi scheme cut cone knife or who knows whatever the fuck he's fucking with like

Yeah, dude, you're a 50-year-old man who falls for that? How fucking stupid do you have to be? At the same time, like, yeah, I do wonder, like, you know, is that little kid's mom, like, around? Like, how down bad are they? Yeah, we don't know that. Because there's, like, a lot of contempt in this girl's voice, like, separate from, like, what a dumbass her dad, like, may be. That's a good point, yeah. So I wonder if she's just, like, you know...

It's like ask yourself, are you just like so mad? Is this just yet another small but not that big of a deal thing in the grand scheme of like your dad's like countless like endless fuck ups? And like, are you just becoming incensed because you're so close to it? You don't know how to like control your contempt for him. Right. Well, it's also I agree with you that it also we could be reading it wrong. And it's like.

If you are in an MLM and maybe he lost his job, but they have... Because this happens sometimes with shitty dads where they get it right on the second family. Where they're like, they're around more for that kid. They have a woman that supports them and...

And, you know, it's potentially that this kid is in, like, danger or anything. But maybe they have a woman in their life that the kid's mom is more responsible. And she's worried about her dad getting, like, scammed out of their responsibility. And, like, you know, there's a little mix of that. So I would say if there's no, like, immediate danger, you definitely should warn your...

I mean, either way, warn him. But yeah, you're right. We don't know exactly which one of those it could be. Because I think the one you're talking about, it's like, that to me says more of...

Definitely, definitely tell him he's getting scammed. And if he's being a cocksucker to you, just tell him to fuck off. And then just see what happens. But if this is the difference between he could be homeless tomorrow. Right. If it's like his forerunner gets fucking, what's it called? Repoed? Yeah. If it's like, yeah, his SUV gets repoed.

He can go fuck himself, but if it's like he can't fucking afford ramen for his fucking toddler, maybe take a little bit of a lighter touch with it. But yeah. Because regardless of what you say, and regardless of how he responds, he's still going to be thinking about that. He's still going to have to process and think about, even if he's mad, he'll still go to sleep at night being like...

Something ain't right. You've at least planted a tiny seed. Now, you never know with these guys. It's tough to get it through some of their heads, but we don't know everything. But yeah, he at least did something. And again, in these situations, it's also more for her. Right. Like, I don't think she needs, like for you, you should say something because your relationship to your father shouldn't be, what does he want? Yeah, it shouldn't be, you know what I mean? So anyway, good luck. Good luck.

Tough stuff. It's a lot of good lucks today. It's mostly good luck, man. Be blessed. Yeah, yeah. Life is pain. As my mother says. Yeah, yeah. Be blessed. Hey, Stavi. I just want to say this first. You remind me so much of people that I grew up with in Highland Town.

It's so funny. I love you, Joe. You're fucking awesome. I just remember so many fucking Greek people calling me "Valaka." So, anyway, buddy, I'm glad you're doing well. So, recently, I've been hit with, you know, pretty much divorce is coming my way. I kind of suspected that things were falling off, you know, for the last six or seven months.

We've been together almost seven years. Seven years. Back in September, we had like...

It was kind of like a rekindling of the relationship, and we had sex with our friends. Like a foursome in Nashville. Damn, that took a quick turn. And, I don't know, I just felt like things were... Tell the guys that fucked your wife to come to the show to go see Alex. Bring each and every last one of them. On such a high, high...

I don't know, I felt unstoppable. But then she became distant. Pause this. Yeah, you know, we were having some problems, but, you know, we had group sex, and after that I was like, well, there's no way this is falling apart now. You felt unstoppable? That's when you were like, things are good? Not like one nice month of, like, you know, having dinner together every night? And, like, that's fucking wild. And...

you know, apparently she's been seeing somebody just a little bit longer than the time that she's asked me for this divorce. So anyway, after like beating the shit out of myself for the past two months, physically and mentally, I've asked her to leave because, you know, it's like, look, if you got some guy that you're fucking and you'd rather be with him than me, then it's natural for me to

I love my house back. You know, I'm keeping my kids. She said that she doesn't want to fucking take the kids from me in the first place. But I still feel guilty that I'm like pushing her out. What? I don't know. Should I feel bad about asking her to leave? Even though I was like trying to co-parent with her. And also like I know that women go through postpartum and shit. We've got two kids.

And I hear this all the time, that women snap. You know, they just decide one day, "Nope, don't want my family." "I'm gonna fuckin' go fuck a bunch of weird dudes that, you know, seem attracted to me right now." "Usually black guys." You really are from Highland Town. Wow, you are from Greektown after all! This is the guy I- this guy- This really is the guy I grew up around.

Yeah, dude, you know how it goes. A bitch gives birth, something's rewiring her head, all she wants is fucking gorilla dick all day. Oh my God. I didn't know niggas was going to catch it straight. We're literally like, this poor guy, and he's like, you know, usually fucking black guys come in. Fuck my wife.

God. That part was so unnecessary. I know! It didn't... Who cares? We would have assumed it was black guys. But you didn't have to say it. Oh, no. That's crazy. That's so awesome. Goddamn, dude. I love the upholstery, but anyway. Oh, my goodness. So awesome. You know, when you're talking to me right now, usually black guys. But anyway, like...

No. Hold on to what? Well, you know, what I can say just off rip is that I can appreciate his, like, there is a level of, like, emotional intelligence because he is coming through with, like, the...

and like he understands I guess he's trying he's trying to rationalize he's trying to empathize and kind of see it from her angle but if she hasn't outright said that and she's just acting out and doing whatever the fuck she wants you have every reason to tell her to get the fuck on

And also it's like, look, I know what you mean, but I didn't really necessarily read that as empathizing, more as grasping at straws. To me, that read to me like he's trying to put together some far-fetched,

why all of a sudden his wife wants to fuck other guys. It's like a broken man being delusional. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Once she gets on meds and clears her out or this gets out of her system, I can have my family back kind of thing. And so you don't really feel bad for her, I don't think. I think you feel bad that...

This has been taken from your marriage and everything's been taken from you. And just to go back to the like, you thought the foursome was the rekindling of your and hers relationship? That's wild, bro. You were giving her what she wanted before she started doing it by herself. Yeah, right. Like, you're clearly grasping. And I get it. And it's completely understandable how he's feeling, right? Right, right. Yeah, you want your, like, you know, this is why it's...

It's like the more you grow up and again you get mature, you're like, I remember being, and it's not like cheating doesn't bother me, but when you're in your 20s or whatever and you don't understand how complex people are, you're like, that's fucking, that's complete. How do people get back together after they cheat? And then you realize like someone can cheat and they can regret it. And also your life can be so much more important. Even if someone caused you some serious hurt,

The rest of your life together is so much more important that it's like you can get over it and over time you can start to rebuild whatever. And I get it. He has this family. He has what he wanted. But, bro, the whole postpartum thing, the like, you know, the all of a sudden women snap and they just want to fuck. It's just like.

That's just the one out of a million chances it's happening. But like Alex said, she hasn't communicated any of that to you. If she hasn't, then it's like, oh, well, you are perfectly allowed to go with your gut. You know what I mean? And she asked for a divorce. Yes.

Even you claiming you're kicking her out is almost like there's this weird trying to take the power back thing happening here. And I get it. You feel emasculated. You feel fucking neutered. She cheated on you and she asked for a divorce. And now you're trying to be like, well, you know, uh...

It's my decision to kick her out. Should I feel bad about this thing? That is definitely my choice. I'm very curious, though, if his decision to kick her out was when she found out that the niggas was black. That's the deal of the couple. It couldn't have even been a light-skinned Puerto Rican. It had to be a brown-skinned black guy that played college basketball. Yeah.

I say go with your feelings. Don't protect. Don't, don't, don't.

Don't protect her. Yeah by like pushing your feelings aside You don't need to be dealing or living in that discomfort You know I think we're dealing with a guy who's got a lot of psychological stuff going on Yeah, there's a little bit of this of like should I suffer through it a bit longer? Right I think on some level he knows this is over and what we've got going on here is someone trying to practice trying to get some power in the situation and also almost like

It's almost like suffering through it is almost like he's fucking giving himself lashes. Like he's trying to like punish himself and maybe, you know, once he does that, it'll all be solved. But I think you need to unfortunately come to grips with the situation that she's asked for a divorce. You're within your... If what you really want is her out of the house, then she's got to come out of the house.

And if you were hoping that you would be like, get out of my house, and she'd be like, what am I doing? I'll get our family. I can't do that. Then we'd lose our family. Didn't happen. She's like, all right. She basically called this bluff. Right. And you're trying to pretend...

Because he really doesn't have any control over this. No control. And that's the thing. It's acceptance. She's going to want to do what she wants to do anyway. So you just have to bow out at that. Take control of what you can control, and that's accepting what's going on. Holding on and suffering through is not how you maintain your mental health, friend. Not at all, my friend. Not at all. I'm telling you now. Yeah. So maybe skip the NBA playoffs this year. I'm a protestor. Yeah.

Root for Jokic. Bet big on the Nuggets. Good luck, though, buddy. Goddamn. I mean, you know. Man, people going through it out here. They really are, bro. They really fucking are. Hey, Savvy. So here's the situation. I've been dating this girl for about a year now.

About three years before we started dating, I hooked up with a totally different girl, just a one night stand, drunk in a bear, super fun. Three years later, I start dating my current girls and now we've been dating a year.

My current girl is... Her best friend is this girl who I hooked up with a while ago. And I have never told my current girl that I hooked up with the girl from a long time ago, even though they're best friends. I feel like my girl should know that. So do I tell my current girl that...

that I hooked up with her best friend. Now, the kicker is that I don't think that her best friend told her that I hooked up with her, which I think is like, I think that my girl should know because they're best friends, but it's just eating me up inside. Do I tell my current girl that I hooked up with her best friend three years ago?

This is the homeboy from the first letter in the next six years or some shit. This is really interesting because there's a couple very juicy elements to this. The funniest thing of all would be that three years ago, you hear his voice. This is not a guy that fucks that much, right? My current girl. And so three years ago, he had a one-night stand.

It is very possible that this girl doesn't remember him. That's what I thought. It is very possible. From the first sentence, I was like, well, does she remember this? Like, what have her vibes been? What if, like, this happens to people. Like, maybe you caught her in a time. I remember I hooked up with a girl, and I was like, damn, I think I, you know, I was like, this girl's cool. We're kind of hitting it off. And it was like, no, she was like, her fucking, like,

engagement had fallen apart and she was fucking like every guy she ran into and she was like and she was fucking guys she was fucking guys at convenience stores you know what i mean like like we went out we went out a couple times and i got pussy she fucked the guy she told me after 7-11 once so it's like you know i thought i read this to me she meant a lot more than i did to her right i was a parade of cocks she was trying to help get through like a dark time in her life i've

been there yeah yeah we've all been there we've all been there i was a few years like years ago i was like in a kennedy fried chicken at like two in the morning and this dude this tall black dude came in there behind me he was like what's up i'm like hey and he's like you don't remember me i'm like hey no he's like i was in your i was in your room i was in your room like a while ago i'm like

He got so fucking mad. I was like, bro. I was like, bro. When I wanted to say something, I was like, bro, you're probably right. We probably fucked, dog. Probably fucked. Sorry. He thought he was about to. Dude, he thought he had a great night ahead of him. He was like, shit. Couple fucking three piece and maybe some head for old time's sake. Old time's sake, yeah. He was like, I just fucking came up big. I don't know who you are. I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry.

So, yeah, I felt the same way you felt. I was like, I don't know if she remembers. But also, there is a world where she does remember. And she's just like, you know what? I ain't saying shit. I'm not a snitch. I'm not a snitch. So, this really is like a really fascinating... This is almost like Realpolitik. It's like, what's the right move? It's like... It's like... Do you just sit there? I mean, they've been dating... What? His current... Him and his current girlfriend have been dating in one year, he said. Yeah. So...

Well, it's not as tricky because it's just like, okay, you've only been dating one year. But like, honestly, imagine if we, like, I love when people talk about best friends because we can always immediately talk about me and Eldest. If you fucked...

a girl I dated for a year and I didn't find out, I would be furious if I found out. Really? I would be like, because it would be weird, like, why don't I know? Why don't I know? You know what I mean? Like, I show her a picture, but again, this is different. So you would rather, in that case, you'd rather him tell you. It also is different though because, it depends on how you would like to find out that information. It's mostly,

people would be like, I love you. But I also know every girl. I've been there. I've gotten notes on pretty much every girl Elvis has fucked. If I get pussy, everyone's serious about it. We all, I mean, that's also not fair because we were roommates. We literally know almost every time we fuck. I just think

Do I tell my... I think, yes. I think you tell her... If it's eating him up inside. If it's eating you up, it's like, that's coming from a genuine place. Tell her. I think she'd... I think most people would rather you tell them up front that something happened like that instead of finding it out. You know, finding something out like that is always like... Then it's like, why didn't you tell me about this? Because then it's like, if either one of y'all tell her...

If the best friend tells her, if she remembers, if the best friend tells her, now she's mad at both of y'all for not even saying it sooner rather than, it's better if you tell her because then it's, well, I don't know. Or, no, no, I think it's actually the opposite. I think if the best friend tells her. I'm changing my mind on the two of them. I could see the best friend finessing it in a way that all the animosity is aimed at him. How about this? How about you both?

come together but see how embarrassing would it be if he went to the girl to the one he hooked up with in the past and was like we need to come to her and tell her this so that we can get rid of this discomfort and she's like I don't remember that's the funniest outcome here unfortunately okay since you don't remember and I'm like let's just call it

Let sleeping dogs lie. Yeah, this is kind of wild. I mean, that's probably the best advice too. I think he needs to leave it be because it's like he's been with a girl for a year. That's pretty bad if she's just now finding out about this. Now, here's why I think he can leave it be right now.

He'll only open Pandora's box if he brings it up to the friend. Right now, they both have, like, reasonable doubts. They tonked. Maybe someone forgot. Great. Yeah. It seems like he can get along. Yeah. It seems like she hasn't told the friend, the girl he's dating. So, you know, unless he really pisses her off or something crazy. It seems like this girl's down. She knows what's up. And she's like, let me see.

let me let this be. I got, I got Daco a few years ago and whatever. And it happened before they were, it's not that they were fucking while they'd been together. It was before that. Three years before they started dating. And that was so long back. And how old are they? Three years can be a long time. I mean, three is a long time either way. I think as long as him and the friend never address it,

Then he's good. This is like the first letter. It's like, hey, just chill. No fire. No smoke. No fire. Let's just chill. But the problem is, here's the, and I agree. Generally, I agree. This comes down to what kind of person are you? Because the problem, I agree with you from a strategic standpoint, no brainer, it's let sleeping dogs lie. It's like, start convincing yourself it wasn't her.

Let's go full Costanza with it. It's not a lie if you believe it. You know what I mean? He could play that game. You could. I don't remember my bad. I'm so... I thought you looked familiar. Anyway, strategically, that's the advice. The problem is this guy...

clearly the guilt might get to him. And it's so funny because he doesn't have anything to feel guilty about. That's also why I say this is not a man who's fucked that much. Because it means a lot. A one night stand means something to him in a weird way. It carries this weight that

It really doesn't care. But I think just because of the proximity, though. Sure, the friend thing. You know what I mean? Maybe it's more than what I said. It's more than like fucking your best friend to him means, you know, it's like it would be like I just feel like she has a right to know. So I do think it comes down to so strategically there's the like you have no real incentive to stir the pot.

It's like, you know, it's like, you know, we're fine. This, you know, we both have a nuclear weapon pointed at each other. Right. No one wants to fucking drop it, right? Like, no one wants... It's mutually assured destruction. But...

It comes down to his guilt thing. And it's like, will this affect the way... And unfortunately, I would say, if he can't live with just it always lurking, which I also understand, you know? Because if they've been together for a year, that means the best friend has been around and known about you for the same year and has kind of...

carry this information with her as well and is just like willing to like let it let it lie and not intervene and I'm sure she doesn't want to be at odds with her friend now at this point too since it's been a year that y'all been together she definitely doesn't want to start a pot and lose her friend unless she's a lunatic from three years ago unless she's crazy and is keeping it in her back pocket yeah that's the main oh yeah as a play that's the main thing but even that's

If you do, that's even crazier. Like if she ever gets into it over something and she's like, oh, by the way, I fucked your man three years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never even told you, you fucking bitch. Now you catching a stray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one thing. And it's like, so I don't know. It's a landmine of situations that can happen. What would I do? What would I personally do? I think he needs... I think I would let it lie because I'm guilt...

I've learned the guilt doesn't really get to me as much as it should probably. I mean, it's... But I wouldn't even feel guilty. I'd be like, you know what? What I would say is if it came up, I'd be like, look, it was a long time ago. Right. I wasn't even really sure. Whatever. Just whatever. Like a long time ago, I wasn't even positive. And like, it didn't mean anything. It was, we just hooked up and I didn't know if she forgot. Like I said, it felt weird to bring it up and I'm sorry. That's when you can apologize if it becomes weird. That's probably what I would do. Like for not bringing it up.

Yeah. Because, I mean, you can't feel sorry for having been fucked three years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can feel sorry for not bringing the information. I didn't know if I thought it was weird to just bring it up out of nowhere. Right, right. And it just kind of happened that way. And now it's even weirder that this bitch is bringing it up trying to get one on. If in a scenario where she would bring it up. If she's trying to weaponize it. Exactly, exactly, exactly.

That's what I would do. Yeah. I think he needs to try, like, living with the guilt for a little while after he comes to peace with the fact that he isn't going to bring this up. Because it's a weird thing because it's like, you know, someone you're dating for a year, if this is someone you're, like, proposing to or something, maybe that's something you want to clear the air on before you, like, you know, get married or something like that when you're with them longer. But it's like... Even then, it's, like, weirder almost. Yeah.

Almost, but it's like, I think, you know, if the guilt is too much for him, this relationship will not last. And I feel like they haven't been together long enough for it to matter that much for him to come clean on something like that. A year you're getting there. A year's a while, though. A year you're getting there, though. Yeah.

It's tough. It's tricky. I mean, I know you're a married man who's been in a relationship for fucking... But as someone who hasn't been... Like, this motherfucker's been talking about four months. It's the most serious relationship he's ever been in. I hate it.

We're talking to two, you know, slutty boys over here that a year sounds like a fucking eternity. It's a long time. To be like, you know, spending time with each other, sharing and like, you know, telling what you think is like, you know, people think you're telling the truth and like exposing, being vulnerable, all that.

A year can go either way. It can go either way, yeah. Where for some time, like sometimes if it's, what's a year mean? It's like you see each other one to two times a month. Like you see each other two times a month for a year as opposed to you stay over each other's house and spend, you know, have like, go on trips, do all this shit, you know? I'm also curious about his current girlfriend. I'm like, how cool is she? Right. Is she just going to be like- She might know. She might know. That's the other crazy thing. We've been talking about it. I've been waiting for you to say something.

You might come up to her fucking hands sweaty as shit and she's like, what's going on? She thinks you have fucking testicular cancer. Right. And you're like, I fucked a friend three years ago. Me and Jessica hooked up and she starts laughing. She gets on the phone. He finally says something.

That's why I hope that's the case. That's why this is the funniest call because the funniest thing when she already knows and doesn't care or the girl doesn't remember him, there's two hilarious landmines he could be standing on. And I hope that's one of those. I hope it's one of those. So anyway, dude, yeah, from your scumbag friends, we say let it lie. Yeah.

Pussy! You got a nice one for us to go out on, Eldest? Sure.

Hey, Gabi. What's up, Elvis? What's up, guests? Hope you and yours are well. Thanks, Paul. Me and my, I'm 21 years old, by the way, just in case that matters. Me and my transmasc boyfriend. Transmasc boyfriend. I just had our first three songs, and it was really great.

I was able to calm my nerves with a little bit of weed and a chewable tablet that will not be named. That's right, until they pay up. You hear that? Another opportunity for you guys to get free fucking advertisement, but no dick pill companies are fucking cashing in. That was a Flintstone environment. Could have been right now. Yeah, it was a Flintstone. It was a fucking multi... It was a multi-day.

Go ahead, Eldis. And the guy we had over was chill. He was kind of ugly. Dick was kind of small. So the next guy we're going to get is a little bigger. Damn. Imagine being this poor guy hearing that review. Imagine being this guy and being like, yeah, pretty fun threesome. Damn. Yeah, he was ugly. Dick was little as fuck. Damn. Great call so far. Keep it going, Eldis. He was kind of ugly. Dick was kind of small. Wait, was it you, Eldis? Did you fuck these guys? No.

But the problem is that me and my boyfriend are kind of in a different dude. My boyfriend wants to get this bigger dude, kind of like a baby Jason Malone or something. Okay, sounds pretty good. And I'm more interested in this small,

That's so... Pause this. Just let me tip my hat to the community, Alex. Like...

These guys have pictures of guys, and they're talking like, well, which guys should we fuck? It's like, well, they both have big cocks, but I kind of like a little guy. And they're in a relationship. Like a fucking QVC catalog. We can't agree on the same curtains. Yeah, it's literally like a straight couple talking about dishware. It's like, which guys should we nut inside of? God, salute.

Sure. Sure.

Yeah, we're probably going to end up with the Jason Momoa guy anyways by the time we get to this. It won't really matter to me. It's still fun. But I'm just wondering if you have any advice for how I can proceed. Just do both. Exactly. Here's the thing. It doesn't seem like an indoor or VR. No. This does not sound like their last threesome. Right. It's like, look, it's literally just wait two weeks. Exactly. Just wait. Just wait.

Just wait until it's Jason Momoa time. Like, yeah. You got to suffer through some theater gay dick before a little bit. It's packing, he said. So you're going to enjoy it somewhat. Well, he wants the theater dick. He wants the theater dick. So he wants it. Yeah. But it's not like they're staying in the house with y'all. No. It's like y'all are still in y'all relationship. Yeah. It seems like you can still have your cake and eat it too in this situation. That's exactly the best part of being a gay guy as far as I can tell. Yeah. And so. Because it seems like they're open.

Yeah. It's a promo to sound like an open relationship. Yeah. Or at least they fuck guys together. So because... They can't agree on the same thing. It's the nonchalance we were just talking about, about how being curtains or, you know, whatever, dishware, that's a positive because we actually didn't get it right. It's not curtains because those are forever. It's, are we getting Thai food or pizza? Yeah.

And yeah, man, the same way you decide, all right, you know what? This week we get Chinese. It's all your call. Next week's mine, though. I get to choose. It's give and take. It's give and take. It's the easiest thing in the world, bro. This is easy. Yeah. Come on. Because it doesn't seem like your boyfriend is pushing you to not do your thing. It's like, yeah, we got momo a week and we got theater a week. And that's how we switch. Exactly. And now if your boyfriend...

Like, it's like, no, I don't want to do that. That's an issue. You can raise the issue. Well, I did your thing. Exactly. And then maybe that's why you have to have a conversation. You have to have a deeper conversation. Well, how do we meet in the middle and find the dick that we like on the person, an amalgamation of the Momoa Wilson Theater energy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we get that? But even that, I would say it sounds like you're, you know, from what I can tell, your boyfriend seems pretty cool. Pretty chill, yeah. He'll roll with the punches, so switch off, bro. Because I'm wondering, does he complain about the big dudes? Yeah.

He wants the big dudes. He wants... No. Oh. Does the boyfriend complain about the big dudes that he wants? I think he probably is. I think he's probably saying something. But it's more like... Well, I feel like either one of y'all can complain if y'all both actively participate in it. Right, right. And it's just like, well, dog, as long as everybody getting their nut off, dog, it don't even really fucking matter at the end of the day. Exactly. It's like, yeah, I didn't want... I wasn't craving pizza today, but fuck it. But I'm hungry. Yeah. And it's like, fuck it. I haven't ate in days. Yeah.

We'll get dumplings next week. Yeah. So yeah. You'll be all right. You'll be good. But good for you. God bless you. God bless the gay community. That was a great one. Yeah. It felt like there was no work that we had to do. No. Easy lift. You don't have to coax your boyfriend into doing any jumping shit. No. Just fuck them both, man. Yeah. Compromise. Respect. What a beautiful thing to go out on. Thank you, Eldest. Yeah.

Alex, thanks for coming, bro. Another great episode. Any fucking time, guys. I'll tell you before we go. This show, I've known you forever. Yeah. And I forget the gravity of your fan base. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the last episode came out, I didn't even know it was out yet. I was at La Colombe getting coffee in the morning. And I get cornered by three young dudes in North Face Coast. Like, oh my God, it's you, Alex. Oh my God.

Me? The people at the public shop was like, who are you? I was like, yo, I didn't know you was on your old school Tonight Show shit, but like, you make celebrities over at the public shop.

I'm like, you didn't recognize the fucking coffee shop and shit. So I was like, oh yeah, I'll be here every time you ask me. You're our favorite. Yeah, and a very specific, very online white boys, man. It was crazy. You'll be a celebrity for two weeks. Yeah. I was like, oh, thanks a lot, guys. Yep, yep, yep. No. You were fucking awesome. I'm like, this is great. This is a great episode. We'll definitely have you back and we'll talk to you guys soon. See you next week. Bye-bye. Bye.