#82 - Raanan Hershberg and Joe List
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Welcome everybody to Stabby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. What a beautiful couch we have today. Ronan Hirshberg, Joe List, two beauties. Thanks for coming, boys. That's hurtful. Why?

Because you're being sarcastic. No, I really didn't. If it was just me, I wouldn't think it. But because he's here, I'm like, oh. Well, one has inner, one has outer. I thought you were being half sarcastic just for him. Yeah. I have such low self-esteem when you said beautiful couch. I thought you meant the couch.

No, it's a bullshit couch. I never realized you could be referring to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The couch is an entity. That's the guess. The metaphorical couch. Also, I'm sorry. I was giving you nutritional advice earlier. That must have been a real rock bottom. No, I've said this before about you, but you have... Your face is just so much fatter than you are. I know. So right now, it actually... I am like, how dare this guy...

But earlier when you had your t-shirt on, I was like, oh, okay, yeah. I would like this body, but you just got fucked face-wise. It used to suck in the dating apps because I'm actually naked. I look pretty good because all the fat's right here. Yeah.

So it would be like an equivalent of everyone else on their dating app just having a picture of their stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see the worst, you know? Joe's taking umbrage with you saying you look good naked. You saying you look good naked is one of the wildest things I've ever heard in a podcast. Just a crazy claim. You look better than your face. You have to understand it's all in relation. When you see my face...

You think you'll be like, it's a pretty good, it's a good, it's not that, I don't have a big gut. No, I get it. I fuck better than anyone on earth. Number one in bed. But you know what I'm talking about. I actually look, I look, you know. I mean, I look great naked, but it's like. Now,

It's like if you were like a little person with a big dick and be like a surprise. Sure, sure. I wouldn't have said naked. I would have said shirtless because naked, then you're also kind of putting your... Somehow I don't look good shirtless. No, I think pantsless. Yeah. You as like Winnie the Pooh would look good. You have decent legs.

I got thin legs. I got thin legs. Now, penis though? What are we talking penis wise? It's pretty good. Okay. Well, it's everyone who's been invested in it has said...

They do definitely talk about how it has a lot of girth. Right. Which is, of course... It means no length. Oh, you used to have a joke about me because I had a girlfriend who said she really loved my balls. Same thing happened to me. I haven't been like that. Oh, right. So it means a great tension. You didn't have to drop it. You could do it. Of course I had to drop it. Was yours about my balls, too? It was about your balls. Yeah, all my ex-girlfriends talk about how cool your balls are. Yeah, Ron's like, well, if he can do it, I'll do it. If you're giving him permission. Yeah, I've had...

Honestly, unrelated, like, four women tell me I have cool balls. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool specifically. Like they have, like, a 90210 shirt and sunglasses. 90210. Goddamn, you are old as shit. It's over, Joe. Oh, no, but mine was. You're a father. I meant to say... The hills. The hills. The hills. The hills.

What are you, Fonzie? It was a cool show. Al Jolson. They're really into Al Jolson. Shogun. Oh, there you go. Yeah, that's not really cool. It was more a good show. My balls year bit was actually about how she said I had big balls, right? And you were suggesting in your bit...

That means my penis is small. I thought, I can't, I only did it twice and then Stavros called me and did a cease and desist. I know. We were outside of the stand and you brought it up and I didn't say you have to stop doing the bit. But,

But Ronald said to me, I met this woman, we hooked up, and she said I had great balls. Right. And I was like, that's not what you want complimented when you reveal your dick and balls. Right, right, right. Yeah, there's something so obvious that should be complimented. Right, right. It's not the balls. I guess it's sad that I didn't think of the joke. Yeah. Like, I...

Yeah, you might have too much confidence. Weird body confidence. I think I'm dumb, but at least I have nice balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always just thought that was a true compliment? Yeah, I do have nice balls. I don't know. Are they round? Yeah, they're round and they, you know, they're...

They're voluptuous. Are they like Ari's? Have you seen Ari's testicles? I haven't. Oh, my God. It's crazy. Eldest has long balls. I have very long balls, too. Mine are red on the sides, too, from chafing. It's like a tan mohawk and bright red on the sides. And like...

I would say mid-thigh. Mid-thigh? Damn, bro. I'm telling you. They're long as my neck. Oh, wow. Lanky balls. Mine aren't lanky. Maybe that's why they're beautiful. They're fucking... They're tight. They're tight. They're very tight. I'm with you. I have a similar ball situation. Mine are tighter than a cup. Sounds like we have similar balls. Yeah. I wonder why that is. I don't know.

I don't think fat guys have nice round balls always. Yeah, that's part of it. It's a classic fat stereotype. I don't think so. I think if we found a bunch of fat guys, we would have, in a group of fat guys, I would bet money we might have the two most beautiful pair of balls ever.

I mean, I like to bet money, but I don't want to have to be put in that situation. Is it because you don't like identifying with the fat group? I don't want to be in a circle of fat guys. But you'd look good. I'd look good. Well, we wouldn't look at the other fat guys. It would be like a scientist would be looking. Oh, I see. It'd be like two-way glass or something. Never mind. Two-way mirrors. Really hot, man. Wow.

But yeah, balls. So you told them. You don't have to host. Don't worry about it, man. I just late night love you. I hear you're from Baltimore. What are you working on now? I'm mostly trying to grow my nuts.

Yeah, no, that's... Anyway, good for you, man. I'm glad you, you know, you're working on... You said everyone here is on a little fitness thing going on. I like that. Well, I'm just always trying to maintain. You gotta maintain. When you look like this, you wanna maintain. Right, right, right. Svelte. I'm also maintaining. You're maintaining. All right. I have practical goals. Oh, respect, dude. Keep it at low-level morbid obesity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Early entry phase. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm trying to count calories. Is there something you could do face-wise, do you think? Actually, Palufo was telling me there's something you can put on, like some kind of thing you can rub on your face. Acid? A chemical fire? It's some kind of thing where it sharpens your features. Oh, interesting. Oh, really? Yeah. Like a makeup?

I don't, yeah, some kind of shit. You're contouring? Yeah, she used, no, not makeup. It's like, it's like a gua sha, gua sha or whatever. Some kind of thing you like rub. Yeah. It's like a metal thing. It's like Chinese people do it. And it can make your like face more Chinese-y. Yeah. You got close there. You got real close with the... Like it taped back your eyes or something. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Well, there's nothing. I'll always have a, I mean, I guess not always. I keep on thinking I'll always be chubby, like there's nothing I can do. And then you see someone with your exact size who fit, and you're like, oh, anyone can be like me. Yeah, but I feel like you eat well.

Whenever I see you eating a salad, it's just shooting everywhere. Most of it's not even getting in my mouth. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't look that bad. Sorry, man. Relax. We're just making conversation. So, balls.

I feel responsibility in the center. You don't have to feel any responsibility. You don't have to feel any. We should say, let's get the plug out up top. You have a special out right now on YouTube. Out right now on YouTube. It's called Brave. Brave. And you can go, you can see it on YouTube or you can go to bravespecial.com. I just bought that, which makes it sound really retarded. Bravespecial.com. Oh, God. Brave.

brave special it redirects to Hannah Gatsby's new special that's hilarious redirects to just a mentally handicapped person at an open mic

Yeah. But bravespecial.com, but brave's the title. That's a good title, right? Why did you buy... It's too late now. Why did you buy the domain? It's like an ease of people to... Don't you think it's good to do like a domain so I can just say bravespecial.com, right? And it redirects to YouTube. And it redirects to YouTube. Sure. Or is that confusing? Whatever. I don't know. Or just go to YouTube, brave...

I don't know. It's easy enough. BraceSpecial.com. I'm worried that I'd have to spell my fucking Jewy-ass name. See, that's a great point. Yeah, you got a weird name. I'd be a lot bigger if I had a, you know... What do you think? What would we go with if you renamed yourself? One time I was doing a gig at the Marion County Fair in Marion County, Kentucky, and the redneck guy reading it off went, our next comedian is...

Ronald Herrington, everybody. He just... He on the spot Ellis Island-y-ing. Yeah.

He literally just looked at it. Ronald Harrington. And just fucking de-jewed it just so he could understand it. That's awesome. Would you go Ron Harrington? I don't know. As I was walking to that, it was on a pickup truck. It was at a racetrack. It was a bad gig. I was walking up there. I felt like my identity had changed. I was like a blue-collar guy. I don't know. Ronald Harrington would be good. I think that's too much. I think you should go Ron Hershey. Ron Hershey? Ron Hershey? Ron Hersh-

Ron Hershey's good. Hershey seems like a... Chocolate. Immediate. The album, you got chocolate on it. Yeah, Ron Hershey. Hershey seems like a...

The headshot would be awesome. Hershey seems like I legally took the nickname bullies gave me. Oh, true. You know what I mean? But it's cute, you know? Ron Hershey. Ron Hershey's good. Ron Hershey's not bad. It sounds like porn. Hershey's too, I don't know, it feels like a nickname. Hershey feels like a real... Maybe just one name. Hershberg? No, I wouldn't have chosen that one. Ron Berg. Ron Berg. That's not bad. Aaron Berg's cousin. Yeah.

That would be awesome. You guys would do a duo act? Ron and Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr. I'm not great. I'm not great. I'll take 20. That's all right, man. Keep shooting. Keep getting them up. I'm not great at marketing, but it's probably not a great idea to change your name 20 years into comedy. I don't know.

You know, give it a whirl. It's time to really pivot now. That would be funny if you just started a completely different career as Ron Hershey. Different material, dressed different. I would love it. And then how much would it hurt your feelings if that alter ego just explodes?

I would love it. I'll take any kind of success. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as it's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. I guess I was thinking you would have to, like, I don't know, ham it up a little. You know, it would be, like, a little shittier. Well, I'm jealous. I mean, I guess you... It's funny. I'm like, there's no way you could get successful with a weird name. Yeah.

Yeah. Complain to you on your fucking huge Patreon podcast. Hey, guys, we're breathing fresh YouTube air. You've both been released from the Patreon. Don't worry. We're on YouTube. You know, get out there. Feel the grass, you know. Ah,

I know. I remember we were like, I think because before Zach Galifianakis, I was barely an open mic-er. He popped like right after, basically. But I remember being like, I'm probably going to have to change my name. And I was like, I think I should be Stav Rose. That would be like S-T-A-V in my last name, R-O-Z, and have a little rose and all my fucking shit. I was thinking of all this funny, like a nightclub, like a lounge singer. But let me ask you this. What do you do? Because I get jealous when I see people have like a...

like tour dates and it just says like joelist.com. That's awesome, yeah. What do you do? Like, do you just put your name.com? I think it's stavi.biz. Oh. So I went with a funnier, like an on-purpose shitty. I'm trying to make Stavi the shorthand. That's tough too though because...

People are like, V-I, V-I. It's S-T-A-V-V-Y. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But, you know, it's always going to be an issue, man. But you are there to make me realize that I can't use my weird name as an excuse for my failures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, weird name, fat face. It really can't happen. But I'm fat fat. You're fun fat. That does much better. That is true. I'm, like, not fun fat. That's very hard to do well. I would just say that's just you're not fun. I don't think it's the fat issue. But, no, no, but...

When you're fat, you want to be a fun, like, crasher. He's fun. I'm like...

and sober and sad. Yeah. That's not a character. You could improve your personality. You're just like, you're talking, you're like, yeah, I complain a lot. That's just how it is. Yeah, I guess it could be. Sorry, man. I mean, listen, I think you're great. You're on the podcast. We're all fans. We're fans here. Yeah, people like me. I'm not, I realized the other day I was at the cellar party. Everyone's like, I was like, I'm not beloved. What?

Is that, yeah, you just, you feel like people are like, yeah, hell yeah, Ronan's there. You just, when they see, like you see people's face lights up. Yeah, you never get a light up. Like Michael Rowan comes in the room and everyone's like dancing with him. I'm like,

No one's like, everyone's like, oh, you know, like, have you, has there ever been a community that really, like, do you remember a time where you were beloved at any point in your life? Like middle school, some kind of team, family, anything? I mean, I'm, I'm, uh, I'm liked by individuals. Right. Like, you know, but like. For a period of time. For a period of time. But I'm not, I don't know. It's like, I'm not like, uh, no one's like, I don't know. I guess it's the party guy or the. I get that. I'm not like, I'm not fun.

Yeah, yeah. What do you think? Why do you think that is? Why am I not fun? Yeah. I forget you go real personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you an annoying child? Like, what are we talking about here? I got bullied a lot. Then I bullied. Right. I mean, I'm a little funner. I want to get... Hurt people hurt people. I'm a little fun, right? Yeah, you're a funny guy. You're very funny. You are funny. You don't want to be beloved. You want to be remembered for, you know, yeah. No, you don't.

That's the fun. That's the most hilarious lie is if anyone gives a fuck about their legacy. Right. Like, I love when people are like, I'm building a, you know, like, what's the other word? Legacy sports they talk about all the time. What is it? Anyway, whatever. Legend, legacy. Come on, let's get a little thesaurus going. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? But you want to be like...

You know the one, there is one out there that we're not quite getting. Bill Russell's... Legacy, honor. Not legacy, but dynasty. Eldestkiddythesaurus.com for fuck's sake. We're over here sweating. Legacy.

Legacy, synonym. It's going to be... Bequest, inheritance. Birthright? Not these. Bequitho, heirloom. Ah, fuck. These suck. These aren't even close. Bill Russell's spinoff. Hold on, keep talking. What do you mean? No, it's over. It doesn't matter. I'll get it.

Yeah, because you're smart. Ronan's smart. Yeah. Ronan's very smart. He has that. But I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart am I funny, but I'm not. All right, what about when you were a little kid? I can give you some tips. Yeah, you're a party. I've observed you for a long time. Yeah, I'm beloved. Yeah, you are. You're definitely beloved. Not by the people, but by the people in my real life. Yeah, everybody loves you. It's unbelievable. Off the charts. Always happy to see Joe. I'll read comments and Reddit and stuff, and I'm like, God damn, people have a bad...

People hate this guy. I'm like, I think I'm like one of the most popular guys amongst comics. You're a great guy. Yeah, yeah. What were your little kid birthday parties like? Maybe this is the root of being fun. I do remember...

I had a Halloween one eight years old where I got a Dracula costume and I was so excited and I got it all ready. And you sucked all the fun out? No, no. I put it on. It got all together. And after I looked in the mirror, it looked great. I realized I had no one to go trick-or-treating with. Oh, that's fucking brutal. And you're a twin. Yeah.

I just found out he's a twin. That's wild. She went in. The invitation got lost in the mail. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. Twin is interesting because then there's always somebody to compare yourself to at pretty much every stage of life, like almost a direct competitor. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's like, oh, she's getting her period now. Yeah. My balls haven't even come in yet. When is my period coming? One time I told her we're both...

We're both like the movie Twins, except we're both Danny DeVito. No, I'm Schwarzenegger. She started crying. Yeah, that's what it means. See, it could be worse. You could be a woman with your face. Is that why I'm not beloved? You called the woman Danny DeVito? What I realized way too late is that when I make fun of myself and someone else, the fact that I'm also making fun of myself doesn't make it better for them.

them. It actually makes it quite worse. Oh yeah. If they consider themselves better than you. Yeah. Well it's like George and Seinfeld who's like come on we look great. You know what I mean? That we. The we. I've noticed that people aren't so excited to be involved in a we with me. Interesting. So what is the first do you remember the first birthday? I think I

I think I'm liked. Now that it's getting serious, I'm like... No, no, no. It's not... I'm curious. I do think you're like... Sort of break the riff for a second. I am... This is just an interesting... I was just saying. This is just an interesting topic of discussion about little kid birthday parties. And I think it says something about you about what kind of party you wanted. Like, for example, I feel like, you know...

I remember one party I had. We would have parties at, you know, Chuck E. Cheese, obviously, is the classic, when you're like five or six. I remember, remember I had a fucking party at Chuck E. Cheese and then The Wreck? Sure. Someone comes for money. Yeah. Wait, so you've known each other since you were six? Oh, yeah, since we were four. Oh, Jesus. You don't listen to the show? Thank you, Joe. Jesus Christ. Joe's beloved. I never listen to the show. I don't know.

But that was a big one. And then we would do like, we'd do like a skating. Remember for some reason, like the, our recreation center was like a big place for parties. They had a back room. You get some pizzas. Do a little skating, you know. Some movies. Wait. Movies. Remember when we went to go see Spice, Spice World? Yeah. I was a big Spice Girls fan. Were you? Yeah. Yeah. And me and the boys went to go see Spice World. That was funny. Was that ironic or unironic? Not really. Let's table that. Yeah.

Yeah, I just wanted to fuck those hot chicks. It was not for any other reason. Even back then, I was like, that's kind of gay, but the movie was pretty fun. Yeah, we had a good time. Fuck you, we had a good time. It was fun. What the hell do you mean you're broke-ass parties? It was me, you, and your grandma eating pizza in your fucking apartment. I had beautiful parties. Yeah.

They were in our apartment. They were at Chuck E. Cheese. You broke motherfucker. But the Spice Girls movie, they had Bob Hoskins, right? I believe so. Looking back on it, it was a pretty... They had some good people involved. Yeah, looking back. It's not good, but I've revisited since, and it is more fun than I realized. Okay. As a kid, I was just like...

It was half I wanted to fuck the Spice Girls, half I loved the grooves. Yeah. You know, I loved pop music as a fat little boy. Well, yeah, that's okay. Backstreet Boys, that kind of thing. If I ever like...

If everyone saw my Spotify, it would be really embarrassing. I mean, not all of it, but it would definitely be like, every fourth song is a Disney. Oh, wow. And from Aladdin. And you didn't want to talk about the other riff. You wanted to just bring that up. You're like, let's get off of this. I'm feeling embarrassed. I like musicals. I like Disney songs. Whenever a Disney song comes on, I remember I was watching...

Not recently, because I've been sober for a couple months now, trying to be sober this year. But we would have nice hungover Sundays at this apartment when everybody lived here. And one time, Hercules started autoplaying on Hulu.

And a Disney song does hit the spot. Yeah, it's just like a great musical. Yeah, yeah. But you can't put that... You can't, like, keep that going. You're like, this is for... I'm not playing it without headphones on the subway. You know, everyone who plays music without headphones, it's never, like...

It's always like a pretty aggressive song. It's never like a folk song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing relaxing. There's no like Brian Eno being played. How many roads must a man walk down? Hold on, hold on. Joe's got something. People don't really listen to that music. What are we doing here? I always thought... That's not Pussyfoot.

I always thought it would be a funny sketch on like a Chappelle show or someone black doing this. It would be really bad if anyone else. Where they're just a commercial showing black people headphones. And you're like, what the fuck is that? It's called a headphone. You put it around your ears. Get that shit away from me. But obviously, I imagine it. Sure. For Key and Peele to do it. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Let's get that on Key and Peele's desk.

Guys, get the band back together. We got a dynamite idea. Jordan, put it on the Oscars. We got a sketch for you. I got the sketch. I got the sketch. The N-word's in it a couple times. Obviously, I can't do it. I'd love for you to do it. Yeah. See how far ready with the $25 million movies. Oh, fuck. Joe,

Joe, what were the white trash parties, birthday parties looking like? Me? Yeah. I went to Papa Gino's one time where you made your own pizza. That was cool. Papa Gino's is like a Boston pizza place. I think maybe spread down the East Coast a little bit. I've heard of it, yeah. But we went and got to make our own pizza. There's a photo of me throwing the pizza up. It's so funny because I love Steinfeld. That's literally like a whole restaurant.

Oh, yeah. It's like, you know, make your own pizza. We did that. And yeah, we are mostly at the house parties. Yeah. The paper plates. We had a small ass little house. So that's why you had to go out. Right. You know, I do remember actually now that now that remember, I don't even know if you made the cut, actually. I don't think we were friends. I had my. That's a really sad picture. My fourth birthday. We had a really small house. So we had to, you know. Yeah. Get space outside. Of course. Yeah.

No, definitely. I do remember one in-the-house party where I was like four or five, and I really wanted Little Caesar's pizza because of the commercial, because I liked the pizza pizza guy. And then we got it, and I was like, this pizza sucks.

And I was pissed off. It doesn't even say pizza, pizza. Yeah, I was like, there's no little cartoon guy. And that's when I was betrayed by advertising for the first time where I was like. You realize the jingle has nothing to do with the food itself. And I also had a McDonald's birthday.

That was fun, the play place when you were a little ass kid. Oh, I think we did a Burger King. Yeah, those were fun. I remember Burger King had those little silver paper ashtrays. It was like cardboard. I don't remember those. I feel like there's a class divide now and just similarly, but reverse in the childhood. There's a real class divide between me and your old...

Well, what is yours? Because all you said is my sister didn't want to go trick-or-treating with me. I wasn't rich, but I was like... Oh, okay. Jewish. The only Jew in Kentucky. Yeah.

Yeah, well, your family. I was Jewish poor, which is upper middle class. Well, listen, your family got stationed in Kentucky by Israel to go kind of oversee everything. I wasn't, my mom's a teacher, my dad was a reporter, but we didn't have McDonald's parties. Yeah, oh, really? Yeah. Those were too shitty for you? Yeah, a little. What are we talking, just like at the house? What kind of parties? Barbecue. Barbecue?

This is my original thing. What kind of birthday party did little Ronan want? And is this the root of you not being fun? That's what, you know? I don't know. I had a bar mitzvah. See, this is actually, I think I'm onto something. The fact that you can't even remember a party when you're a little kid. Well, you always destroy me on these. Last time he was like... Last time... He had you back on? I thought this was your debut.

It's been a while. You are a charitable man, Scott Rosakis. Tip my cap. This is not a good plug, but I'm a good comedian. Check out the special. No, it is funny. This is funny, dude. You know what? It should be beliked. You're beliked. Your next special should be Ron Osberg beliked. What's so perplexing is you're such an amazing comedian. Yeah. But

But no one likes you. I like you. I have you over every day. That's true. The point I'm trying to make is, yeah, you can't. Boy, Beliked is an amazing title for us. All yours. You can. You can take it back. Belikedspecial.com is a lot less embarrassing than BraveSpecial.com. I'll tell you that much.

She's got to find me a brave, mentally handicapped, inspirational special.com. You're beloved by me, buddy. Yeah, thank you. My only point is, you can't even come up with a, like when you're a little ass kid, you're like the, I remember like,

to have a good-ass time at a party, and the two things you've come up with is not going trick-or-treating with anyone, and your bar mitzvah. You can't even remember a party that you was a little kid. I mean, I remember I was always nervous. I'd find the other fat kid when we'd go to the buffet or whatever. And we had a couple of those. Fat kids, it's kind of like when you find the other black guy at a party, and you're like, what's up, dog? You're like, shoo! Yeah.

You find the other fat kid, you nod, and then you go to bed. The fat nod. And then you just go back and forth with the buffet. Sure. But last time I was on here, I thought it would just be like a fun, casual time, and then you're like immediately like, you talk about your mother so much in stand-up, but you don't talk about your dad. Yeah. I was just going to cry. Yeah.

Yeah, I like to watch a special and just have some questions. I have since then worked on so many jokes about my dad that have not worked. It is tough. I will say, because I tried that same... Because me and my dad have a much worse relationship than me and my mom. And the first two years I tried anything, nothing would work. I think the fact that you could tell I cared and it was hard for me was coming across. But...

It's since I've been able to... I think I had one on the first special, and I cut some stuff out of my last special because I liked it so much, and I felt like I didn't have time to do it justice. Right, right, right. So I'm keeping it for the next hour. That's good, yeah. And so it's more family stuff. But yeah, it is hard when you actually care about something and you're sad about it, and you're trying to laugh it off. I feel like people can...

sense that you don't really find this funny either. I actually have a good relationship with my dad. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, it's complicated, but he's just not overtly ridiculous like my mom. Gotcha. My mom's just like... Yeah. It's like I don't even have to... It's a cliche, but the jokes really do write themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my dad is just like... He's just a nice guy. He's just like a corny guy, yeah. I mean, I've tried to do it. I don't know. It's hard. It's also hard when...

you want to make something funny, but the joke's not obvious. And then you tell it and you're like, oh, it's a real had to be there. You can feel it as you're saying it. Yeah. Oh yeah. When you're like, everyone's kind of, cause you've been doing well. So everyone's on the edge of their seat for the punchline. And you know, that seven seconds where, you know, the end is coming and there is nothing that's going to pay this off. Yeah. One of the worst seven seconds. It's that had to be there moment where you're like, oh, I'm just telling something that is funny to me, but not to them. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

I remember one time seeing a comedian on stage at a club and he was like, my grandmother died today and I didn't even want to come out, but, you know, I just, whatever. And he kind of, like, got serious. And then he tried closing his set by being like, a couple funny stories about my grandmother. And he told, like, two and they just bombed.

Then it got literally zero. And I remember being so... The cringiest thing I've ever seen. He thought, I'm going to have a lasting tribute to my grandmother. And the whole crowd was like, what? It's just not that, man. And it was really bad. Yeah. Not everything can be Tig Notaro talking about getting breast cancer. You know what I mean? It's like that happens once. That's like half of my specials, Tig Notaro. Me talking about Tig Notaro getting breast cancer. Yeah.

That sucked. Well, it is true to combine both of what you're saying. Sometimes when you really do care about something, it's all lost. Just like if you're actually angry about something. Yeah. Your feelings have to be a little dead inside. Like your feelings have to die a little for the joke to work. I think so. That's why people like Bill Burr are so amazing. It's like, how do you like with him? I'm like, how do you maintain that?

That anger? That anger. Yeah. I don't know. Probably psychological issue. It's probably not the compliment he wants to hear. Yeah, yeah. How do you stay, despite all the success and the happy family? But, yeah, I guess I wasn't a big party guy. You know, I hate to dance. You hate to... I'm not a big dancer. I don't like dancing. And when you do parties...

Dancers are fascists. They just grab you and throw you onto the dance floor. And so like, I always was like, had to like, not just dance, but like get really far away. It was like scary.

Yeah, I was a little nervous to dance, but you'd have to dance a little bit. Why? I feel like Joe cuts the fucking rug. I dance like a motherfucker. This motherfucker. Well, that's beloved. Part of being beloved is dancing and singing along. Part of being beloved is dancing and singing. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I like to do. I do think if you had gotten maybe one middle school dance, you just bite the bullet and dance, your whole life's different. No, because I've...

I know, like I've tried to dance and people are like, "Come on, it can't be that bad." And then I do it and you see that look in their eye, we're like, "Oh, it really was that bad." - I'm turning everyone off. - I was like, "Have an open mind, I made you dance, but this exceeded what I thought would be bad." - You dance like a college football coach after a big win. - I don't know how to dance. For a while, I just pretended I was like on a treadmill.

I was like, there's like an elliptical. But it was like too obvious I was doing that. You know what I mean? Sure, sure. I was checking my heart rate. You were really in your head about it. But I just don't, I just don't, I feel part of dancing is... Rhythm. It's rhythm. I don't have rhythm. To be beloved, you got to have a little rhythm. Yeah, maybe. I don't have rhythm. I don't like, I don't like touching people. Right. I don't like touching people.

I see, I see. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's all uncomfortable. I love a nice touch. I'm a hugger. I'm a back... I'll massage my platonic boys. Really? I'm like the opposite. I'd give you a massage right now if you were right here. I'd love to just get into those meaty shoulders. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, one year of me too. Hopefully I can take the space. Yeah. I'll be the handle baron. You're going to have to get fatter. You're going to have to match that belly to that face. Yeah.

What's up with you, Joey? How's the baby boy? It's good. He's good. He's good. Whatever. Good. I'm tired. I'm very, very tired. It's very exhausting. I always hated those people that were like, you have no idea. And you're like, no, no, I get it. I know what being tired is, idiot. I understand. But then you're like, oh, yeah, it's exhausted. But it's great. He's hilarious. We had a great moment today. I was whispering in his ear and it was making him giggle. Oh, nice. Like I was just saying like regular things like today.

And he was like this. Because it was like ASMR. And then he fell asleep. It was beautiful. It was really beautiful and touching. But yeah, I'm exhausted. But it's great. Has he done any new moves? He rolls both ways. He holds his bottle with one hand. He'll just do it like this and suck that thing down. And we just started feeding him food. Applesauce. He loves it. How's the diaper changing? Is that like bad or is it okay? Okay.

What? What? What? I can't ask that question? No, you can't. It's just a funny way to ask it. I don't know. The way you tell the story, it's funny. No, yeah, it's regular. I don't know. Yeah. Just change it. Wipe the shit off some little balls. I don't know. You're dealing with shit now. You didn't deal with shit before. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think about it. It's just kind of...

It's fun. It's sweet. Once it's your kid, I feel like you just do whatever the fuck you need to, I guess. Well, the problem is the little trash can, the poo trash can, after like three days, every time it opens, it's quite a scientific thing. It just opens for a second and the fucking room, you're like, whoa.

You got a little baby kitty, like a kitty litter thing for his shit? Nah, it just sits in there and you open. Once you close it, it's better. We have those little wooden sticks we light and do this. And then if people come over, you got to throw it away. But we did just somehow, you know, when you're packing, we had a road trip. And when you're packing now with a kid, you got to fucking, there's so much extra shit. So your brain is just mushed because you're not sleeping. So we forgot to take that trash out. So we came home. And what, the house didn't stink when you came home? But when I opened it, it was like a fucking...

Me and Kate are the cleanest apartment now between you all and Kate and Steve and their cats. Oh, I don't think so. Ronan, I don't want to bring it back to you, but one time Ronan opened his closet and his recyclables just poured out. He keeps his recyclables in the closet. That's fucking hilarious. And then Ronan also had...

An electric bill that was like, the landlord was mad. He was like, what the fuck? And then later that day, Ron was like, I don't know, something's up. We were leaving, and I'm not even joking, 100% of the lights and television and laptop were on. And I was like, I don't know, do you want to switch a couple of these off? That's beloved. That's beloved. Keep the lights off. That seems like a beloved thing. Well, this is what's so interesting about Ron is you're such an intellectual. You're one of the smartest people, and funniest, by the way, people I've ever met.

I don't know why I think intelligence, I think, closes the cabinet. No, very scatterbrained sometimes. I'm smart about a couple things and very dumb about many more things than I'm smart about. Oh, you know what I wanted to ask you about is your habit of taking baths. Yeah, well, I got a call from the landlord once, too. He's like, the water bill is really big. Have you noticed any leaks? I'm like in the bath when he emails me. I'm like, oh.

Do you take a bath every day? Two baths a day. Two a day? What the fuck? That's insane. Dude, all his books are all wet and shit. You know when a book gets wet, it expands? His books are all like this wide and flopped open gray. That's so fucking crazy. I literally, in college, I even took a bath in the dorm I had. Oh my God, in the dirtiest dorm. I couldn't graduate because I had this.

fee from the library and the fee had all these books that just said waterlogged. That's somewhere you still would read in the bathtub. That's where I read. Oh, the bathtub's where you read. That's where I get all the reading done. Maybe a Kindle. I have, of course, waterproof Kindle in the bathtub. There we go. You think I don't do Kindle? I don't know. You take two baths a day. Two baths a day. Well, I need, you know, I need to escape from everything.

Ron and I were riding a... That's fucking insane, dude. Two bats a day is like... I'm like, who is... Yeah.

Rana and I were writing a film together, and then we fell off. And then the other day, this is literally, it sounds like I'm joking about some part of this. I gave Rana a book about the Holocaust that was this thing, 900 pages. I assume it's just floated away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came over. He's like, I read that book. It was unbelievable. It was a great book. And I was like, I gave it to you four days ago. I'm holding an infant. I was like, we should get back together and write. And he's like, I'm just too busy. I'm literally holding an infant.

And he just told me he read a 700-page Holocaust book in four days while holding a crying kid. He's like, I'm a little busy. I don't know. And he takes two baths a day. Holocaust books take priority. Yeah, of course. But I'm like, I guess you can't squeeze in a half hour a week. We're neighbors. We can't. While you're eating lunch, maybe go over some ideas. I can't pop over and throw ideas out.

That's fucking hilarious. I do have, like, a whole bookshelf of waterlogged Holocaust books. That's awesome. When did the bath start, bro? Were you a young... As a boy, did you take baths? That's what the birthday party was. I don't know. I do know that my mom loves baths. Mmm.

And my sister. So I think it's a genetic thing. Interesting, interesting. But... It is nice. I mean, I love... I go to the steam room almost every day. I love a suck. Water, hot tub, steam room, shower. Everything with water. I'll take a long shower. What's the temperature? Are you doing like a nice... Is it hot the whole time? Are you like... Well, so everyone, whenever I say I take baths, people are always like, it gets so cold. But, you know, I'm like amateur hour. What you do is like...

You put it to the top. It starts to eventually leak a little, and then you just keep filling it up, and it just keeps on getting hot. I see. That's where the water comes in. And then eventually you have really big water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not like a recovery thing, because it's not like from working out or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you lifted weights? From boxing? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's funny to be doing recovery for like, I'm reading about the Holocaust too much. Well, and it starts in the morning.

Yeah. Which is insane. Yeah, I take a bath in the morning. A morning bath. That's how you start your day. Without, it was zero momentum. You're like, I need some relaxation. I woke up. That's a bath. It's really insane. Yeah. That's, yeah, the first thing. Well, I'm worried, like, we're thinking of having kids. I mean, I don't know, not anytime soon, but I'm worried if I have kids, like, or maybe. It's really going to cut down on your bath time. Yeah, I might have to only do one bath a day.

How many baths are you getting? How long are these baths? I'm taking very few baths. How long are these baths? Like an hour. I get work, though. What the fuck? I write and read. It's not as leisurely as you think. A lot of work, though.

That's like how a fucking aristocrat in the 1800s worked. He's like, draw me a bath. Well, I'm like, like Kramer when he's like in the showers, like, what are you coming out? He's like, never. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is fucked up. What's the womb? Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, you know. I guess that's true. And then sometimes I like put a hose to my mouth and have food shoved in it. You stink

the umbilical cord up your ass. You boof a sandwich. But the water, I think water in general reminds us of the womb, embryonic fluids. I can see that. I like water. I'm not, I like a bath and I'll take like, you know, I've been trying to work out and my feet are all fucked up so I've been walking a lot and I'll take like an Epsom salt bath and I'll be in there for 20 minutes to just like not, and that's a good feeling but the idea that you would spend two hours a day. The second one might not be that long.

Okay, sure. An hour 45. Sorry. An hour plus.

90 minutes a day in the fucking bathroom. I don't know when it started, but it's become, and I think it's not just me. There's more of us out there. They're growing by the minute. The bath leads. They're there. And you just did, like now you live with your girl, but like I assume when you first moved to New York, you must have like four roommates or something. Oh, you haven't heard the story of Jeff Asmus shitting his pants? You haven't heard the famous Jeff Asmus shitting his pants story? Wait, what?

Because you were in the bath? Yeah. Wait, can I just ask? Before I hear the story, he thought shitting his pants was better than shitting in front of you? Or just me getting out, which I would have. I mean, this is mostly about him being an autistic retard. Sure, sure, sure. But, like, I was in the bath, and he was too afraid to, like, knock. That's crazy. So he just shat and, like... You only had one bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With how many roommates? It was...

It was me, him, and one other person. You live in one bath with three people, and you're still taking our baths a day? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, that's fucking crazy. We're getting closer to the next one. We're getting closer. We're getting really close. We're getting really close. Oh, yeah. It was a real point of contention. Yeah. But, yeah, so he shat in, like, a bucket or something and threw it out the window or something. But that's, like... I mean, I know I'm eccentric in that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's...

That's weird. I mean, it's... I'll call it a push. As I've said... It's a pick-em. As I've said to every roommate, and I don't have roommates now, which is my girlfriend, but as I've said to every roommate, if you need to go in, I'm jumping right out. The fact that that's a conversation that has to happen is insane.

The fact that you need a bath protocol, a bathing protocol, it's fucking crazy. For some reason, it makes people uncomfortable. If they have to pee, at least see a naked, waddling man. I don't like this happening across the hall, let alone in the same room. Yeah, dude, that's fucking wild. Yeah. So even in high school, like I'm trying to say when they started...

Do you remember, just out of curiosity? Are you like Cal Ripken? Like it never stopped. Just from boyhood on. I think it started in... I think it must have started in college. College. Maybe you're not having a good time. You're anxious. Yeah, but it's definitely like the calms me down. Calming thing, yeah. It's like a break from the world. I think for the last 10 years, I remember thinking...

I'd go there and just be away from my phone and read it out loud. So it's like, I really found it hard to be away from my phone. Yeah, sure. So I literally had to submerge myself in water to be away from my phone. And it's like, I get it because if somebody else told me they meditate or they were in the sauna or whatever, it's just so funny that it's an old-fashioned drawing of a bath. Yeah. Because it is like, I don't know, there's something just...

Just, I don't know, automatically you don't respect it as much as any of those other things. Right. Well, I guess it seems maybe effeminate. Maybe there is a little... It feels less effeminate than it feels like, like you said, like wealth. It feels privileged. Right, right, right. And especially when you have other roommates, it goes from privilege to like...

yeah well look fuck everyone else it's kind of like you know now it's like your own thing and it's like yeah but it's but the idea that you're doing no no i have said i was a bad room i was a bad roommate i would have hated me oh yeah that's an interesting thought experiment i would you living with you no i wasn't i mean that's the thing it's like certain things you wouldn't be a bad person until you're in that situation yeah like a lot of people once they have a kid suddenly

can become bad in a way they never would have become bad before. You know what I mean? Interesting. Like, the moral consequences can get higher.

if you have a kid. Like, if someone's, like, just a dick, but they don't have a kid, it's, like, fine. Right, if they're being a dick to the kid. But if you're a dick to the kid, someone, like, gets you borderline, like, you know, malignant, evil, you know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. But I, roommate was not good for my, um, moral development. Yeah, made you bad. But now I don't have a roommate, just my girlfriend. It's just your girl you abuse with your luxurious habits. Sorry, we can't pay the water bill. I'm eating foie gras in the bath. It's like, yeah.

She'll take a shit right in front of me. I had a question before. The shit. I really, I'm not like, I'm just curious about this.

One time I went to summer camp. Okay. And this is a little gross story. Please. But probably not as disturbing as a bath. Let's keep going. I had a prank I was going to pull. Oh, this is a fun thing I did. I did a prank. Okay. I already love it. I was like going to shit in a box and put it outside the other cabin. Okay. Not that fun of a prank. Not like silly stringing them.

I don't know. Someone told me to do it. We were like 14. You're lucky you're not behated. But anyway, I shat in the box. And then as I picked it up, I got a whiff of it. And I almost threw up. Because shit outside the water. Right. I never realized until that moment. How important the water was. The water into dissolving the smell. Yeah. But baby shit, it's not like the same, right? No. Of course not. Okay. Okay.

Well, you're starting to feed him food now. I don't know. Louie's always like, you know, baby shit. It's not like smear. Oh, yeah. You don't open it and just start throwing up. Yeah, no. It's not a big log. Yeah, okay. But it's a little smear. So he drinks like, yeah, formula. Only formula. He's not having like hot dogs and IPA and fucking cheeseburgers and grease. So you're saying my shit as a fat 14-year-old is different than a...

Six months old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And it stinks, but it's also like, woo, that's funny. It stinks. His baby's cute. He's probably not as cute. Is the shit the big... What are your anxieties of having a kid? Or is the shit... It seems like you're pretty hung up on the shit thing. The bath...

Having to go down to like, you know, still two baths, but the second one being like only 20. That's a worry of mine. That's so fucking crazy. And the thing is, you're not joking, I know. The diaper is like a joy. Oh, really? Yeah, that's fun. It's the sleep that's the problem. The sleep is the tough part. And then the crying. Well, how about this? He cries a lot. Yeah.

You could, in the bath, while the baby's awake in the middle, you could feed it in the bath. Yeah, I could just take a bath with the baby. Take a bath with the baby. Which he said is illegal. I don't know if that's illegal. One thing you should know is that baths can be quite dangerous for babies. They don't know how to swim or anything, so they could die. But then they'd be dying doing what...

At least he died during what I left. Yeah, don't fall asleep. Actually, don't take bath with a baby. Hot water burn baby. Yeah, so hot water can burn a baby? Yeah, like in Rain Man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what happened in Rain Man? Is that how he got like that? That's right, he gets taken away. Hot water went into his ear and it turned his brain like that? No, he got taken away from his brother because he burned the baby. Oh, that's why? Yeah.

You know how people now say... You guys don't know everything about this movie? I haven't watched Rain Man in a while. It's a hell of a picture. You know how everyone now who's like a prick is like, oh, I had autism, and then we're all like... Autism's big in the excuse community right now. But I'm like, Rain Man wasn't like roasting people and making people cry. Right, right. Rain Man wasn't like a fat piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, right. I was a caretaker for an autistic guy. He didn't insult one person. Really? You couldn't even understand him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Autism has exploded amongst comedians who have gotten in trouble on Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hacked, too. I think it's gotten to the officially... It's the hack thing of this last couple years. Right. Well, it's...

I know, I guess things change, but back in my day, when someone had autism, they didn't have to even tell you. You just knew. So this idea that you have to be like, I have autism. Just so you know, I'm autistic. The minute you're saying that, I'm like, that's not the autism I grew up with. The autism I grew up with, the person, you just saw it from far away. I'm with you. I don't think that many people are autistic. I think most people are dickheads that say that. Prick and autism are like different things.

And I think there was like a little bit of Asperger's for a second everyone was talking about before it got absorbed by all the autism. I think a lot of the symptoms of OCD are because after a while people started claiming to be autistic. So I was like, let me see these symptoms because there's some people that I am close with that people keep telling me they're autistic and they're for sure not. Right, right, right. So I looked it up.

And I was like, oh, I have many of these symptoms, and I'm not even close to autism. Right. One of them is you're annoyed by noises other people don't hear, which I have all the time. My wife thinks I'm crazy. I'm like, I've got to move. Somebody's talking over there. And that's also OCD and anxiety. Well, it's also like my rule. If you've got it laid more than me, you don't have autism. Because you can't have autism and then fuck me.

more than me. Being a pussy hound is not a symptom of autism. We get it. Mark's not autistic. We get it. I'm talking about a couple other people. Boy, do I get a lot of emails about how autistic he is.

No, it's a, I was a caretaker for a guy with autism in 10 years ago. And it was not like, you didn't, well, first of all, he didn't have to tell people and he couldn't tell people. Right. Cause he spoke like this. I mean, he spoke like Adam Sandler and like, that's awesome. The first time I met him, he was 50. His mother, uh,

I come in and his mother's like, oh, he's in the other room masturbating. He'll be out in like 10 minutes. Damn. And then he comes out fully naked. Whoa. And he's like, and his mother understands. I just jerked off. It felt awesome. Come on. Semen is better.

I guess Billy Madison was probably autistic a little. That kind of makes sense. He was autistic? Billy Madison was a little.

Oh, Billy Madison. Maybe he had a learning disability. I guess since he went back to school. And he couldn't really hack third grade. I never got that movie. I'm like, is he just a retarded person? No, I think he was just a spoiled rich kid. He's just immature. It made no sense. He's so immature, it looks retarded. Yeah, exactly. That was a tagline. That's pretty much it, yeah. You're actually kind of similar to Billy Madison, though. Yeah.

The bathtub. I do fight the shampoo. But he was, you couldn't even understand what he was saying. And his mother understood him perfectly. He was like, and she'd be like, okay, we can go there later. And then anytime I'd move my hand, like move your hand for a second, he'd be like, huh? Really? Yeah.

He made you put it back. And then we would go out to restaurants. This is exactly like Mark Norman. We'd go out to restaurants, and if someone moved a ketchup in the, like, 20 feet behind, he'd just suddenly go. Oh, wow.

What the fuck? Until he got kicked out of the restaurant. What? Yeah. My best friend's brother-in-law or my close friend's brother is similar, very similar. And it's like, he can't travel by himself. Yeah, there's nonverbal. There's like, yeah, it's a huge spectrum. And it's definitely not, the majority of autistic people are not just guys who are kind of dickheads. Right. That's just not who it is. There can't

be that and like, hey, you know, I called you fat for a whole year. I have autism. Like, they can't be in the same. No, no, no, no. This is why we should specify also that Mark is not ever a dickhead. No, no. That's the word that several people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. I don't believe that.

I believe it on that one. That was when we were overtly talking about someone. We've overtly talked about two separate people. Yeah. I don't want them to be combined. Oh, okay. That's fair. We're just trashing people who have autism. This is real. I'm pro.

I'm pro personally. Maybe I'm on the spectrum. I know every Oscar winner by heart, every World Series winner by heart. I get upset about noises I don't hear. You have weird quotes. You memorize quotes that are not even memorable. You're like, how are you doing? Remember, that's from... If I don't have my Starbucks tea, if you don't take the tea bag out, I get furious. I'm going for it. I don't think so, man. New special. I do. That's what I said earlier. Yeah.

No, I have OCD, but that's my new... OCD's not getting enough respect. I'm going to crank it up. Show list. Autism. Autismspecial.com. Fuck autism. I looked... That's good. That's yours you're opening with? Put the water down. That's your opener. Hold it in your left hand.

The woman who, like, his mother was so depressing, but to the point where it was, like, funny in a really horrible way. Sure. Like, one time I just came in and she was just on the phone in the lobby going, you don't understand. I have no help. Everyone I know is dead. Oh, my God. They're all dead. And she's just screaming that. That's crazy. And then at another point.

It was in the street walking ahead of us and she just turned to me and she goes, someone should push us both into oncoming traffic. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. That's insane. And what you were like. It's so sympathetic that I was trying to present that as like a funny. No, no, no. It's horrible, but it's also like funny when it's just so funny. Yeah, yeah. And this job was just, how did you end up with this job? How did you involve people? It was like in the ads. Like in the, what do you call it?

Classified, yeah. Really? A little while ago. Wow. 15 years ago. And you were like, that's for me? I can't imagine you were good at that job, were you? I mean, there wasn't much to do. I just wandered with him. We'd get kicked out of restaurants. You could kind of be autistic to do the thing. Yeah. You never had to, like, I don't know, dress him? Did I dress him? I may have blocked that out. Did you undress him? Yeah. I undressed him. Did you have to kiss him on the lips? If he didn't get blown at 3.30. Yeah.

I don't know. I think I said I was like... I took care of my grandpa when he was six. Gotcha. You were hard up for cash. Oh, yeah. Where was this? New York. In New York. Oh, when you first moved. Well, before I even did comedy. I first moved to New York like 12 or like 18 years ago. You went to school in upstate New York. SUNY, yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about that. So it's been...

And then you moved here afterwards just to be a guy who lives in New York and takes care of the autistic? Well, you know, you move here for comedy or caretaking. Yeah, the two big Cs. Caretaking and comedy. I was writing screenplays. Oh, so you all... Because I know you got the Kickstarter for... You got a short film coming. But that was always like your first love was movies and stuff like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really... Stand-up is...

it was not my first dream yeah and i'm not even crushing that i'm not even crushing the thing i'm above yeah i think it's beneath me yeah yeah that is tough

That's why I'm not beloved, because I think it's beneath me. Right, that might be some of it. That was an interesting observation, too, when we talked about the film Rocky, which is a masterpiece. Right, it is. And Ronan hates it. Oh, crazy. I don't hate it. Ronan said he doesn't relate at all to the idea of a down-and-outer rising up to the challenge, because he feels...

That he is superior to that, is doing worse. Like, I feel like I've done better than I should have. Me too. Yeah, because we're losers. We come from losers. My Rocky movie would be a guy being like, boxing's fucking gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think you're Apollo Creed. No, I like inspirational movies. I mean, I love Sideways. Isn't that kind of inspirational? Sideways? Inspirational. About an annoying guy who doesn't get pussy? Inspirational. Yeah, the universal story. Yeah.

What the fuck? Sideways in Rocky? Being the same genre of movie? It's so fucking funny. I don't know. I'm just not into the Rocky. I'm just not into the underdog, retard running up his steps and he's supposed to cheer. I'm just not into that. But he wins. That's the thing. That is what's beautiful about him. He loses. Well, but it's the moral victory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes all 12 rounds. He goes the distance, which is a huge...

And he wins subsequently. Here's all you have to know about me. I don't like Rocky that much. I mean, I recognize that there's good stuff in it. But I love Million Dollar Baby where she... She dies at the end? Where she instead of wins, she trips and breaks her neck. I just thought that was so great. I just love that. I mean, none of this is fun. You're like one of the fun... I don't know. Because Rocky's like, yeah, you put in the work and all that shit and you get the girl.

Well, the girl is like somebody you might have been a caretaker for. In the first Rocky, Adrian is, that's the weirdest part. She's shy. Yeah, that's the weirdest part of that movie. Remember that scene where he fucking stabs the pillow or whatever? He goes through her thing, and it's like him and her one-on-one, and it's like real, real sexual assault vibes. Yeah, I said this on the podcast. People got really upset with me.

Like, he didn't rape her, you piece of shit. But it's weird. It's weird, yeah. And she's presented as someone with mental... Not that he seems like the brightest guy in the world anyway. But he stands over her and kind of blocks the door. He does, yeah, yeah. It's basically like in that genre of the... What's that movie where the two mentally handicapped people date? Like, Betty and June? What's the one with... It's like in that genre. What's it? Giovanni Ribisi? Oh, My Sisters. Oh, My Sisters. My Sisters. I am Sam. No, no, no. Yeah.

Ray, radio. Forrest Gump. I haven't seen I Am Sam, but it feels like he shouldn't be taking care of the kid. I'll just say it. Yeah. Seems like. Yeah. Probably. Rayman was in the, it's all very similar. Right. So would you put Rocky in that category? No. Okay.

Rocky's incredible though it definitely is it's very well made I just and how about I'm sorry to cut you off it's actually not that well made but yeah but don't you think okay take the movie aside there's also inspiration in Sylvester Stallone as an aspiring filmmaker right don't you think there's something incredible about a guy betting on himself

getting it made. They offered him multiple times to just buy the screenplay, but he was like, fuck you guys. Yeah, yeah, but it's... There's inspiration there that's an even better story, I think, than the Rocky movie. But that's not judging the art on the art's sake. That's like looking at it. I mean, I guess... But in a way, I also judge it outside of the movie. Yeah. But I judge it in a different way, which is like, I just don't like when actors... I mean, I know he portrays himself as stupid, but I just don't like when actors put themselves in this hero...

It's the same thing with Good Will Hunting where they're just like, it's just like embarrassing to me. Like, I want an actor to make themselves look worse. Like, I just started watching The Curse, Nathan Fielder. I haven't seen it. He's not playing himself, but even in all his shit, he always just looks like a piece of shit. I like Curb. I like someone to look like a piece of shit. Right. The idea of an actor being like, I'm going to be a hero in my movie. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know. Rocky's profession is to break people's legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he's like, he's

playing himself as lovable, you know? Well, lovable's different. So, no, you can't have any positive attributes in your art? I... I don't know. You know what it is? I just, I'm not, I mean, Rocky's well-made. I'm not a fan of, like, sentimentality. Sure, sure, sure. And it is sentimental, ultimately.

ultimately. Yeah, I think it is. But that is interesting because, and it might go back to being too smart, actually. There's a little bit of that to it of like, and maybe I'm being told, because sometimes that can be, I'm happy that my mom gassed me up growing up, but I had it in that my dad definitely did the opposite. So I have this mix of believing in myself and then thinking I'm the biggest piece of shit in the world. I do that too. Yeah, there can be something to that. It's an interesting observation, Joe, about

Not liking Rocky is definitely a piece of the puzzle. You're definitely not beloved. You don't connect to Rocky. Definitely every beloved person loves Rocky. Yeah. More than not. More than not, I would probably say. As a beliked person, not liking Rocky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Poking holes in a clearly, you know, just fun underdog story. Yeah. You know. Like, Bert Kreischer isn't like, Rocky sucks. You know what I mean? No, he's gotta love Rocky. He's gotta love Rocky. He's beloved. Yeah. Uh.

I don't know. Maybe I should drink more. No, it's not that. It's fundamental. It's over. It's done, bro. There's no changing it. No, I mean the drinking, not because you should quit drinking, but it just wouldn't help. It wouldn't help, yeah. If you want to start getting back to drinking, no worries.

You know, really get there. We're never going to solve Ron on folks, but maybe we can solve your problems. How's that? How's that for a fucking turn? Eldest, huh? That's broadcasting, isn't it? Maybe watch the special brave, brave on YouTube. Now I really, it's, it's, uh, I'm very proud of it. It's the best thing I've done so far. And, uh, tapes at the cellar.

It's got jokes, which is its own genre now. It's hardcore. Hardcore. Real old-fashioned. Yeah, I love that. And it's on YouTube now, and you can go to BraveSpecial.com or just go to YouTube and figure out how to spell my name. Yeah. Good.

Look up Roy Hershey on YouTube. Ronald Harrington. Ronald Harrington. That's right. You should do Roy Hershey or Ron Hershey and be like a drunk, be everything you hate. And then that's a funny idea. And then that, and then that, and then that, you blow up that way. You know, that would be kind of like American fiction. That's right. Yeah. I haven't, I haven't seen it, but that is the, actually I was considering that being movie night out this American fiction.

Interesting. Something to consider. Movie night. What is this Arrested Development you all have? We literally hang out constantly. What slumber party are you at? Our other friend we've known 30 years is about to come over and we're going to watch a movie after this. That's beloved. This apartment kind of feels like the Bada Bing to me from Sopranos. It's like work, but you could just kill some hours after a business. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to have the discreet rooms, you know, like that back room where you pay Georgie. It's 50 bucks and a blowjob to me to get in here. Yeah. All the tits were fake. Not a fan. That's another thing that's not being beloved. I don't like fake tits. Oh, that's...

You against science? You against moving our species forward? Well, one of the things you said once, it was a joke, but I really related to it. I felt very alone in it when you were talking about the different size of breasts. And you said the biggest size is called yucky.

Oh, yeah. And I always relate to that because I always think if breasts reach a certain size, I am not on board anymore. But I think... But no one... It's actually a brave thing to say because men don't really... And I'm autistic. Men don't ever admit that. And then I sometimes am like, the tits are too big. And people are like, what are you, gay? That's ludicrous.

Let me just say how I read jokes. I know that I like that joke, too. Thank you. You have my special on YouTube. I don't remember which one that's on, but I've got three of them on YouTube. Go watch it. But the way I read that joke, and this is great, we have the author here, is that... Just forget the Dick Cavett joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are... There's a... Like, real old fat ladies have huge tits. If you saw a track film with humongous tits, you wouldn't find those yucky. Oh, yeah. What were you thinking? That's what I was thinking.

To toilet, yeah. Yeah, those weird noises happening over here. Yeah, to see your misophonia or whatever. But, yeah, it's making me furious. We're all getting kids now. Let's not have that people clip. It's so funny, I was thinking the exact opposite. Yes.

Having a clip where literally everyone's doing the same artistic impression and laughing.

It's our spin on the thing, the guy you were paid to take care of 15 years ago. Yeah, it's okay. He's definitely dead. Wait, what was the question? When you said the biggest is yucky. Yeah, I think big, fat, gross tits. Because big, I mean, even a hot one with giant tits, they get all...

wonky with the what do you call it my interpretation was correct so this podcast is over my interpretation was correct I had a joke about this years ago about how I love small breasts because big ones go bad they have like an expiration date they fall off to the side they get stretched out I hate stretchy tits with fat nipples but you don't mean like you can still be grossed out by big tits on a younger woman right

I mean, grossed out, it's a bit. I mean, I say yucky. I'm not like, ew. I think they should be chopped off. Yeah. I'm not grossed out. I'm just not into them. I like small tits. I like small tits, but I like big tits. I mean, I like big tits, too. I mean, I like... We're intellectual titans. I like a big with a big big. I love discourse. But I really...

All you need to know about my IQ is that I think this guy is the smartest person I've ever met in my life. I let that go because we were kind of giving him a beating for everything else. So I didn't jump in on that one. I'm legitimately like, whoa. He's read Russian writers. But I really felt seen by that joke because I feel like men are always like, big or small.

Well, you know, that is my... Well, this is my thing with the tit. I want no full... I want a girl when she's sitting on my face, it goes from torso to tit. The tit comes out like that. It's not like a flap. You can't lift the tit. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a little tit lifting, brother. Like the pencil test. There's nothing wrong with a little tit lifting. I'm not saying there's something wrong. I'm saying I don't like it. Come on, doing this? Oh, man. That's good stuff. We got to keep it moving before I get hard. Yeah.

I love it. I'm going to miss my spot. What the hell? Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. Sorry, dude. All right, let's get going. Let's solve some problems. Yeah, yeah. Rana takes his phone out. I wrote a joke about Rana. He's the only person that is so bad with his phone, his own stories get interrupted. He's like, the other day I was having sex with two women and I'm like, what? Great point, my friend.

who's on this podcast right now. I just want to take a break from our riveting conversation to highlight the listeners of this show because we've told them over and over again, hey, give us a five-star review. And some of them will do it to the kindness of their hearts, but others, they need attention. And we're here to give it to them. So what we're going to do here, occasionally on this program, when we don't have another, when we don't have a mid-roll advertisement,

We will highlight some of our favorite five-star reviews. You'll get on here if you're witty, you keep it quick, and you don't, and it's five stars. Take the four stars and shove them. I don't want to hear, this is North Korea media as far as I'm concerned. And listen, you can trash us. You can trash me and Elvis, but give us five stars. Trash us personally, say something nice about the show and give us five stars. You can be on it.

We prefer if you didn't. For example, here our friend Joel Ocasio says, maybe some connection to Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. Who knows? Best show he's ever heard. Stabby Baby could bang my girlfriend if I had one. This is the only show that I am checking my phone every 10 minutes the day of an episode is to come out. Sounds like Eldest needs to be doing a little better with the uploads.

Love it. Keep doing it. And if you ever make a movie, please use an all-Albanian indentured servant crew for the set. Yeah, right. And the fucking cameras go missing overnight. Nice thinking.

But thank you for that five-star review. Here's one from Skolnia, the best comedian podcast right now. Wow, that makes us feel good. Listening to this show as a balding man has given me the confidence to grow my hair out. That's what I like to hear. No one has a better time with guests and gives incredible life advice while being funny. I even love Eldest and his incompetence. Hey, it's shocking how good Eldest is. The fact that this show comes out at all is incredible. He really pulls it off.

Here's one from Han Jason. I peed. One of the best podcasts. Are you garbage? Episode is insanely funny. Love those boys. My coworkers now think I have a disability or I'm on lots of drugs from laughing so hard. Well, that's what we can hope for is that your coworkers think you're fucked up on the job thanks to this podcast.

Thank you for those five-star reviews. Do we have any more? That's it for this ep? One more? Sure. Jess2Drunk. Without question, the best podcast out there. Stop being so witty, funny, and incredibly easy to binge. Jeez, Jess, thank you. Best patron out there as well. Only $5 a month. You get exclusive episodes at...

Ad Free, that's correct. One of the only comedians I can not recognize the first name of and decide to listen to anyways. Stavi introduced me to so many incredible comedians and puts them on. I do like doing that. A real comedian's comedian. If I can go back in time, it would be to when I found Stavi's world. Eldest, you rule. Now that's beautiful. Eldest does rule. And thank you for putting an organic plug to the Patreon in there too. We're just doing this to get five-star reviews. But hey, if you want to sign up for the Patreon, just2drunk.com.

They are right about that. We also have a great Patreon and we don't miss... We've never in almost... Is it over two years? How long have we been doing this? A year and a half? A year and a half.

I think it'll be two years this fall or winter. Two years, yeah, that's right. Two years in December. In a year and a half, we haven't missed an upload ever. We've been late like only a handful of times. Yeah, sure. There's been a handful of 10 p.m. uploads. Right. Eldest is on the day it comes out. It's come out at 11 p.m., which are you even doing it that day? Not really. But hey, he was probably on vacation and assured me it wouldn't affect his work quality. He could definitely find Wi-Fi in Hawaii. Yeah.

But either way, we've never taken a day off, and we won't. We record in batches so that the people have a steady stream of podcasts. But thank you for the five-star reviews. Keep them coming. We love you. And now, what were we talking about, buddy?

Hit us with one, Big Eld. Left a little too long of a voicemail last time, so I'm going to condense it this time. Pretty much, I found out my girl has been sleeping around on me, behind my back. It's one of her co-workers, and I went through her phone, I found the messages, and it was more than just sexual stuff. It was very lovey-dovey, saying I love you to each other, finding out she was sleeping over his house.

All types of wild shit. And we had an issue with her DMing people in the past. You had an issue. And I made it very clear that that's something I'm not comfortable with. It can't happen again. And here we are about a month later from that. That's so funny. So I'm just conflicted because...

because I don't really want to break up with her. We've been going out for three years, talking about moving in with each other, talking about moving to another state, starting a life together. But it's just hard for me to get past this. So we haven't had a full conversation about it yet, but she essentially told me that

She thinks it's possible to love more than one person. And so... Jesus Christ. We're waiting to have the conversation because I've really just been sitting on that. We? And for me, that's not an option. Pause. We're waiting...

I'm digesting it. She's getting her pussy beaded up by her fucking co-worker and spending over. You know it's a really communicative relationship when you have the information before she does. You have a more intimate relationship with him. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So of course it came straight to you. It's so fucking crazy, dude. Let's finish this out, but this poor guy is so fucked.

with other people and she said that it doesn't affect the way that she loves me but now it's affecting the way that I'm looking at myself. I'm not really sure what to do in this situation. This is someone I was talking about starting a life with and now I am just completely blindsided. Do you have any type of input in this? Help me out. It's so weird because it's like

He's acting like cheating isn't a big thing. He's like, I know this is crazy, but her cheating, I don't know if I can get past that. I'm like, yeah, that's not worth it. We're talking to one of the most gaslit men in America right now. He's like, well, you know, she told me she thinks it's possible she could love more than one person. And though I don't agree, I'm trying to digest that while she continues to get fucked. But it's so weird. And then he's like, I mean, she's okay with it, but I don't know if I am. He's like, yeah.

You're not knowing like cheating. Is cheating just like... No, this guy's... This poor guy's so fucked. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how you can like... You gotta break up with her. There's no other way around it. You can't get back from cheating. I mean, you might be able to, but not this shit. Here's how you get back from cheating. If something happens, it's mostly physical. It's a mistake. The person's apologetic and you fucking go to counseling and you just both get over it and you realize your life together... Sounds really personal. No, no, no.

I mean, I would never let a bitch get away with it. I'm just saying, if you're some fucking cock soy boy, this is how you can get around it. But cheating makes sense if it's a one-night-got-drunk thing. Yeah, a regret. I went to a party, I got drunk, I fucked up, I'm an idiot. Yeah. But she's in another relationship. She's got a boyfriend, yeah. She's basically trying to be poly without your consent. Yeah, she's open without telling him. I don't know. It's so fucked. You're so right, Ronan. It's like...

Yeah, he's talking. He's like, you know, this guy wants to stab me, but it kind of hurts my liver when he pokes me with a sharp knife. Am I being a dickhead about this? He is so, like, unable to express his needs. Yeah, and stand up for himself. And stand up for himself, that, like...

he questions his needs don't even come first at all they don't even come at any point yeah yeah i also think what's going on here is this person has cripplingly low self-esteem absolutely some kind of i don't know if he's ugly or has bad teeth or glasses or a weak jawline whatever it is this guy just doesn't see himself as somebody that can get another woman

And sure, his last special didn't hit a million views, but I just feel like that was the algorithm. Get out there, buddy. You're better than you realize. Yeah. You're Rocky. Yeah, you're Rocky.

Yeah. Go watch this year's material or which one? That one's almost at 10 million. No, wait. No, that one's... I forget. That one's two and a half. They run together. I hate myself almost at 10 million. They're all very good. Enough for everybody. Enough for everybody. The one that just fucking tanked because of the algo. Yeah. Great special. You really should watch it, folks. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would suggest actually just being single for a while. Get to know yourself. Mm-hmm.

But, like, I actually... But I actually do think you need to, like... You need to get out of this relationship without question. Yeah, you need to, like, realize that your needs are not wrong or bad, and they should, like...

You can't just like your needs are so you're so distant from your needs. Yeah, you act like it's weird to even bring them up. That's concerning. And the fact that you're even still discussing building a life with this person. Yeah, she's completely gone behind your back. And it's like, it's not like she said came to you and she's like, I really love you. I'm having these feelings that I think I can love more than one person. I'm having I'm hitting it off with somebody.

Is this something you'd be interested in? Can we open up the relationship? She had a secret boyfriend. You caught her. And now she's like, oh, I love two people. She's not even giving him the decency for her to break up with him. I know. She's like putting it in his heart. I'd also love to know, is this guy paying the rent? Like, is there other shit? Is he being taken advantage of in other ways? My hunch is yes. I mean, he's already being taken advantage of emotionally. Next time you're getting pegged by her.

Really give a long thought about whether... Yeah. Great pegging. One of the best pegging jokes there is, by the way, this guy. Yeah, that's what I wanted to be remembered for. Love it. I literally did. I do remember doing that joke and being like... I remember hearing you do the joke and being like, well...

I'm never getting pegged. The bit's been written. You know what I mean? I was like, I can't. There's no point now. I was like, I would have thought about it to maybe get a bit out of it, but this is good stuff. The getting fucked part is much more relaxing. Great stuff. Yeah, the old peg. So, yeah, anything up your ass, Joe? No. No. Didn't think so. But I did have another thought. I'm old school. I'm a man. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm a little nervous around minorities. I don't want things in my ass. USA. The kind of guys that built America. We built the railroad. We built everything. The ground up. Yeah. Hardworking Irish immigrants. Yeah. Built this whole damn nation. Well, the guys that were paid to build America. The guys that got a small wage to build America. Uh,

I just wanted to add this one last, this one more thing on this guy. She thinks it's possible to love more than one person, which I'm like, of course it is. Yeah. You can love like nine people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can love everyone. Yeah, it's a bad situation. This guy's just fucked. You got to get out of there and you got to start believing in yourself, brother. Yeah. Poor guy. You're so money and you don't even know it. There it is. Watch Swingers. Great film. Love it. That's a masterpiece.

I don't know if it's really advice or what. It's kind of like a story. But this past Halloween, they flew out this girl

That I cheated on my girlfriend, my previous girlfriend with. Who just had like the best pussy. Yeah. And I flew her out. Absolutely. To be my plus one at a wedding. Incredible. And just gave her the most mediocre. I'm like embarrassed that I flew her out just to fucking get disappointed. What? Also to top things off.

We got so fucked up the night before the actual wedding ceremony. You're on thin ice here, counselor. This better go somewhere, Eldest. I like the going from guilt to excitement. I cheated on my previous ex-girlfriend, and she had the best pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eldest, you better hope this gets better in the second half of the call, because it's a dud so far. Keep going. Unless you'd like to pull the plug now. The night before the actual wedding ceremony.

Missed the wedding. So my friend was super pissed off at me. And that was kind of a thing, too. But, like, the only reason I brought this girl out is because I remember, like, what it was like to be with her when she was the one that I was, like, cheating on my girlfriend with. So I'm wondering whether, like...

Good question. Concise. This fucking sucks. You fucking blew it. This fucking question sucks, dick. Bad screening, folks. We're sorry you're not going to get the last two minutes of your life back. Yeah, it feels better to fuck a girl when you're cheating because it's forbidden. Good fucking conversation to be had here, Eldis. There's not even a question mark in the transcript. No.

Eldest. Eldest blows it yet again. Next one. This sucks. Wow. Was this your number two, brother? Oh, we're in for a tough episode. I think we need a longer one. Longer one, slower one.

Longer one and less apparent of a question. Jesus fucking Christ. That was Hinchcliffe-esque. I know. Your reaction to Eldis. It was like Eldis got his name pulled. He just fucking lit him up. Like, fuck you. They're going to throw a notebook at him. Hey, Stav. Big fan of Stav. I mean, he blew it, though. Pause this. I'm sorry. Do you want to listen to that question again, Joe? By all means. I'm sorry for talking over him. Eldis should be fired immediately. Yeah.

I don't have any loyalty to this man. Throw him out. I don't care. Put yourself in my shoes, Joe. He embarrassed me in front of you guys. Go ahead, Elders. Hi, Stav. Big fan of the podcast. In a bit of a weird state of mind. I want to fuck this person way more than the last guy. Is that a woman's voice? No.

Fan of the podcast. In a bit of a weird situation that I thought maybe you could give me some advice for, my sister's boyfriend keeps acting flirty towards me. Interesting. White Rump Cart?

And I just don't really know how to handle this. I'm going to handle it. But I either have to talk to him and address it, or I have to talk to her. For reference, it started out as comments about my parents, complimenting my outfit, complimenting my looks in front of her. And then he's at the house all the time.

So it's things just like rushing past me, like touching my waist when he doesn't need to. It's getting increasingly more and more and it's like starting to cross lines. And either I'm going to chop his dick off or my sister is. But I'm not sure if I address it with him first or her first. So I'd love your take on the situation.

This guy's a wild boy. I like this guy. I like this guy a lot. Are you jealous? Are you trying to fuck your wife's sister? I mean, I behave exactly like this. I love this guy. A man's man. Yeah. That's a wild move to be touching her waist. Yeah. That's weird. Like...

No, I've never hugged my wife's sister. It's a ballsy move because you know how you're like, you never want to talk shit about someone to someone who's closer friends. Yeah. You definitely don't want to flirt with someone who's much closer to your girlfriend. No, it's insane. Trying to like fuck a sister is a wild move. I mean, for her, yeah, I mean, this is crazy. If you're this girl...

It's up to her. It's up to you. It's really what you want to do. I mean, I think you're well within your rights to be like, what the fuck are you doing? Stop. You're being fucking weird. But I would talk to him first because talking to the sister could fuck up everybody's life. Yeah.

Because what if he's a good guy? He's just a naughty boy. And maybe it's innocuous, too. I don't know. Maybe a walk past, a touch. I don't know. The touch is really the smoking gun as far as I'm concerned. I like to steal a touch here and there from not the sister, but you or whoever. I don't know. Stealing a touch is tough. How deeply entrenched is he? Smell the hair? Yeah, yeah.

I would say... He's going Sleepy Joe mode on them. I would say... How long have they been dating? Did he say eldest? Did she say? I don't think so. Because if he's entrenched in the family, maybe talk to the boyfriend first. He's over the house all the time. So they've been together a while. Yeah. It also depends on the relationship with the sister, right? If you're close with your sister...

I think you can talk to her about this. Be like, hey, he's being kind of fucking weird. Well, also, he can't talk to her because that would be keeping a secret from her sister, which is fine. Yeah, that's what I mean. By going to him first, it almost creates this weird intimacy between them. Whereas going to your sister, it's almost like...

I have nothing to hide. Going to him is almost like a signal. Exactly. It's almost like ratcheting it up a little bit. You keep flirting with me. Come on, yeah. Unless it's like a get the fuck out of my face. Unless it's real aggressive. But even then. I'd go to the sister. Maybe you could too. Maybe one. I'd definitely fuck the sister. Joe's like blow him.

He's a good guy. The problem with going to the sister is that you're fucking everyone. Fuck the sister. But who's everyone? Her...

the relationship you're gonna blow up the relationship and then the parents maybe it's worth it yeah the kind of guy who's trying to be weird like worst case scenario the guy you're trying to fuck your sister you don't want to be in a relationship with yeah what's the best case scenario here he's Dominican the only the only scenario that is kind of acceptable is if he's like that to every woman

So I would say she should see... Because obviously Joe didn't realize he was doing anything wrong. He's sniffing the girl's pussy on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly, but like...

So see how he acts. You know, basically see exactly when back in the day a cute girl used to flirt with me. I'd always see how she acted. But if she feels it's inappropriate, she should do something. Yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, listen, he molests every woman he comes into contact with. He grabs every tit he sees. Well, maybe he's like 70. You don't know. He's like...

CJ and George age push? I don't know. Maybe from a different time. Yeah, yeah. You know how you get the handsy people still from the other era? Sure. They didn't get the memo. They're just like smacking asses. Yeah. Oh, no, that's like rape now. Yeah, but I think this guy's probably in his 20s or 30s is what I had to guess. Right. He probably got the memo. I think he's a nice guy trying to have fun, trying to be beloved. Yeah.

It's a beloved move. It's a real beloved move. Actually, that's a big, that's a big like figuring out if someone is beloved or not. Can they do something borderline creepy and how do people respond? Well, it's kind of like women are like, for them, having it all is like being successful in their career and like relationship. For men, having it all, it's fucking the girl and her sister. That's our version of can we have it all? Yeah.

So yeah, I would talk to your sister first and this guy, you don't have to prepare. Unless you want to fuck him. Just be cool. Have a threesome with your sister and her boyfriend. Eat your sister's pussy. Fucking A. Suck this guy off. Be a fucking chill bloke. Did you ever see that show, what was it called? Love...

On the spectrum? No, it was Love. It was with Paul something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't see it, but I know he's not bad. In the opening episode, he's like this nerdy guy, and he's flirting with these two girls. Paul Rust. Paul Rust. Very funny guy. He's really funny. But he's in the bed, and there's these two girls, and they're topless, and they're so hot, and they want to have a threesome with him. And he finds out they're sisters, and he gets really weirded out.

and leaves I've never related less to him that's where the I haven't seen the show that pisses me off it makes me hate him yeah the real guy not even the fictional character if they're cool with it then you should be cool with it yeah that's weird you out if they're I mean yeah if they're hot yeah they're really hot in that crazy that's a bad move

We need to fucking take them to task. Yeah. Whoever wrote that, you're a fucking piece of shit. It was Judd Apatow or something? Yeah, probably. I think he produced that or something. He produces everything. Next one, Big Eldo. What up, Papi? You're the man. Shout out, Eldo. Fellow Eastern European here. Nice. Got a little situation for you. It kind of feels like a movie, but... Oh, yeah, it's a movie, huh? This girl that I hooked up with like four or five times

maybe like a couple years ago, two or three years ago, recently informed me that I have a son that I did not know about at all. Horrible. But pretty much I met him and started hanging out with him and everything. Obviously, I'm not going to abandon a kid now that I know he exists. And obviously, I'm going to fist at her for not telling me at first, but

I don't know. She was scared and whatever. I tried to be understanding. That's crazy. He's fine, he said? But basically now the situation, now that I've met him, everything's fine. We're kind of just, I feel like a divorced dad at 26, but it's fine. I love it. And she's cool. I mean, obviously, you know, didn't tell me about the kid for a year. It's fucked up. And I have a girlfriend right now.

And I'm just kind of, but I'm kind of not 100%. I'm like maybe 80% of my heart's with my girl right now. And I'm like, you know, do I want to get back with the baby mama? Back with her? Didn't he say he fucked her a couple times? Because I only have 80% of my heart with this girl. Do I just break up with her and go like single dad?

Or should I like look past what baby mama, you know, did and wife her up? Wife her up? Is that like an Eastern European thing? Yeah, actually, yes. I do think that's some villager brain. Yeah.

used to do it but uh alright relax you fucking faggot son of a bitch that's fucking you didn't know about now you're giving me parental advice it's the best man you gotta do it being a dad changes you that's hilarious you nutted in a stranger and she hit it twice yeah

You gotta get one of these things. I love these. By the way, this is the thing that happens a lot as a parent now is like all these like part-time dads being like, it's the great and I'm like, you had your kid like three days a month. Yeah. What are you talking about? Basically like me as an uncle being like, kids are really a change in life. Yeah.

That's so awesome. This guy's sleeping eight hours a night, five days a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He finds out he has a son and immediately is like, let me tell you, I never thought it'd be different, but it really changes you. You gotta hang out with a kid twice ever. Yes.

I think you're, I think you're, you're asked. I think this man is asking two different questions. Honestly, a few questions. Yeah. Cause obviously getting back with the baby mama is insane. That's not a real thing. Insane. But you seem to also be questioning whether 80% is a good enough percentage to be with your present to stay in the, with the 80% is really good. 80% is good. I've never, he's at like 12. I've never been above. I've never been above 51. Well, as a neurotic, yeah, I'm, I'm,

I'm way higher than 80, but everything is, you know, 95. I'm married with children, and I'm not going to share my number. Okay, it's just a joke. Go up, though. Did he say this was like five years ago? What did he say about her? No, two years ago. Two or three years ago. This kid's like one or two. Yes, he said he hung out with her four or five times. So, yeah.

Getting back is a truly insane thing. And I would say, when you're shitting on him, Joe, you're absolutely right. You haven't felt the brunt of what having a kid is at all. You've barely met this kid. The idea that you're like, it's the best. It's like, you don't live with the kid. Um...

You're sort of on this weird high of being a father that you're even considering getting together with a girl you hooked up with four times. That's insane. It's like, who should I be with? This girl I love and I'm with all the time and no. Or this other girl I fucked four times.

Three years ago. Which I happened to have a kid with one of them. And carried a baby to term without telling me. Running it by me, yeah. Yeah, this girl who I fucked and lied to me. Which is, by the way, I guess my instinct to say it is unstable, but I guess maybe you just have morals about aborting a baby. Oh, yeah, for me. Well, if he's thinking that, that's crazy. If he thinks that I should marry her, he's probably going to...

Feels a little suspect, this lady. I know. She should have just got an abortion. Well, at least, I mean, just not having a kid and not saying shit to the guy. That's crazy. Ultimately, it's her choice, but run it by him, see how he feels about it, talk about adoption, abortion, keeping it. It's the man's decision. Men make this country.

I also like, is this crazy to say? I mean, she didn't tell him about it. Now she's telling him? Now that she, like, I don't think it's his kid, technically. I'll say. Has there been a paternity test? Ooh, that's great. She could be squeezing you. What do you do for a living? Do you make six figures? I feel like. If he's dumb enough to want to get back with her, she's not going after his money. No one says baby mama when they make six figures. That's a good point. Bill Gates isn't like, baby, but I...

I don't know. I'm wondering if she's a little manipulative because the fact that he's even considering to go back with her makes me think she put that idea in him in a manipulative way. Or, yeah, I think that's definitely a possibility. And the paternity test thing is a great point. I mean, that's the other thing. It's like, you fucked this girl four or five times and you nutted inside her? That's crazy. Well, that happens. I don't know. People do that all the time. That's insane. Somebody you barely know? Well, I had a girl who got pregnant about 15 years ago.

And it was between me and like

quite a bunch of other dudes. Oh, wow. And I had a... The baker was turning out cream pies over there, huh? I had a paternity test before she gave birth. She did a swab, and it didn't come back yet, and then she gave birth. I remember she sent me a picture. I was in a movie theater. She sent me a picture of the baby going, he looks just like you, because she really wanted it to be mine, and he was kind of olive skin. Oh, God. But then the baby got darker and darker and was a black baby. Nice. Happy ending. Wow.

Oh, nice. Nice. And he is not with her. He looks just like you, damn. Well, I... She wanted you... So 15 years ago, you're wiping Rain Man's ass. Yeah. You're getting kicked out of Carrabba's. And she's like, this is my best hope for a father. Damn, damn. Yeah, I mean, it was... She's a great girl, and... Yeah, yeah. But...

I didn't know that babies get, like black babies don't start out black. They get, like, it feels weird to talk about it, but it's just a fact. It wasn't weird until you said it. Until you said it's weird. I think it's weird to ever, it's like, anytime you talk about skin, but their skin gets blacker every couple days, and then it's like a black baby in like a week. Interesting. By the time they die, you can't even see them. Yeah.

Because in evolution, you can't have the baby be black right away. They'll freak out. Oh, interesting. Too far. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Come on, man. Jesus Christ. This is the autism episode, not the black people episode. Yeah, yeah.

Unless you have any fun black noises. But yeah, I would stay with the girl. There is something to this, though, where this guy is so stupid that it might work. You know what I mean? Marrying the woman? Yeah. He thinks it's a good idea. He's Eastern European. You know what I mean? It's a villager thing. It's like if he thinks it's a good idea and he never questions it once...

I could see in an old fashioned way this weirdly working. Does he love tradition more than love? Does he love the idea of like. He's talking already about being a dad. Now, would I bet on that? No. But that's the only way that works.

He's already talking about how great it is to be a father. I mean, I think he clearly has issues with his current girlfriend. The fact that he's almost using his issues to, like, say it's a cis game. And I just have to say, it's two different issues. Yeah. Don't combine them. Don't be like, should I be with her or her? Just look at it separately. Yeah. You know, because he's using the...

should I be with a baby mama as a way to get out of being in another relationship? But you should just not be with a baby mama no matter what. Yeah. And then just think about that. But I think stay with who you're with. Yeah, he needs therapy. And I agree. He's definitely seeing this as an alternative way

Oh, maybe I could make a good life of it over here. I don't think he needs therapy. I think voicemails to a podcast. That's right. He didn't say how long he's been with a current girl, but I could see, like, let's say you're dating someone for like six months to a year or something. I could see something like this, like just throwing that into question. For sure. Like completely like... If it's a casual thing that you weren't that into anyway and then you have a fucking kid, even if it's like, even if it was like, it's the way any kind of crazy...

emergency pops up like let's say somebody gets sick in your family or there's your fucking house burns down it's like if you're just kind of in a casual relationship you're like you know what I have to put so much of my energy towards this thing this could fall into the wayside and yeah it could it also is just weird vibes wise if you're that girl where you're like

I didn't sign up to be with somebody who has a fucking kid. He's 24. How old is he? 25? 26, I think. I still think it's unhealthy to leverage the two options. Absolutely. No, no. That's for sure. Yeah, because it's like that might be the reason or maybe he has intimacy issues and he has to explore that, but he just wants to run away from the...

Maybe the girl being in this relationship scares him more than the baby mama situation. But I just think you should look at them as separate. Definitely. But I will say I'm still holding out hope he's dumb enough to make it work. He's just stupid enough to just let this become the way he becomes a father. That's the tagline for this thing he thinks is like a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. The saddest documentary ever. Just dumb enough to make it work.

Damn, I would be, that scares the fuck out of me. Somebody's be like, by the way, you have a kid. Although I don't do too much cream pieing. I want to eat a cream pie. Hey, Savvy. Okay.

I know you're not much of a pet guy. I've heard your takes on dogs. So I'm not sure what kind of advice you'll be able to provide me, but I'm hoping your guests will be a little bit more amenable to pets. Absolutely. So here's my situation. I'm living in an apartment community. I have two cats. That's as many pets as you're allowed to have.

For whatever reason, since the day I moved in, there has been this one cat that has been showing up at my patio, like looking in the window as if he belongs in here.

And this cat is so nice. I've been here for a year now, and he literally spends more time at my apartment than his people's apartment. Oh, he has? I don't even think his people really own him. He wears a collar that doesn't have a name or a phone number on it. So here's the thing. Can I steal this cat? There it is. She came to the right place. And they leave this cat out in the rain when it's raining. So I just feel like... Good fucking Christ.

This lady, I mean, lady. This is a big demo for you. Women who want to steal other people's cats. Yeah. You're really, well, three is, it's like, you're really sounding like an insane cat woman. You're sounding like a burgeoning insane cat woman. Well, you're breaking a couple rules. Yeah. One too many pets and stealing somebody's pet.

I guess let's let her finish before fully going in on her. Your landlord would not be happy that you're literally thinking to steal a cat. It's crazy. Let's see where she goes, though.

in the rain when it's raining. So I just feel like, I don't know, I feel like I have a right to this cat and I need to know what you're thinking. What are we thinking about the sociopolitics of cat ownership? And here's the problem. It's not just steal the cat, pretend you don't have it. The big problem here is that the neighbors who claim this cat

Literally live 10 feet away from me. Okay. And can see me from their window. So not only do they come to watch me play with their cat and watch their cat come out. Absolutely. Get dicked down. And can see me from their window.

So not only do they currently watch me play with their cat and like watch their cat hang out at my apartment all the time, but if I stole their cat, they would see the cat from inside my house looking out the window.

So what's your take on this? Do I have a right to the cat? No. I would keep it inside. I'd give it a loving, nurturing home. Yeah, what's your take on the cat? You know what's funny? Steal the cat, leave the cat outside, love the pod, love his daddy. All right, bye. This is the exact plot of Gone Baby Gone. Oh, right. That's right. Remember that movie? This is the cat version of Gone Baby Gone. She's Morgan Freeman. Yeah.

Yeah, do you have a right to take a kid from... But that movie really questions maybe it was... It has a real moral gray ending.

Yeah. Because she's sitting back with her mom and it's not great. Yeah. So you do think she should take the cat then? Yeah. If you watch Gone Baby Gone and you think the ending is tragic, then you think this woman should steal the cat. It's a little different. I don't think the ending is like, oh, they should have. It's more like, what's the answer? Also, we only have this lady's perspective here.

You know what I mean? And that's definitely, I'm getting a sense that is not the objective reality. We have an unreliable narrator here for sure. I do hear some, yeah, deeply alone. I think you're right on the money. Also, it's like, you can't steal from, they're 10 feet away. Like, what do you think is going to happen here? Have you ever talked to them? My brother actually had a similar interesting situation. My brother's a big pet person. They have five dogs. Or they had three dogs and they had,

there were three dogs neighbors but they didn't give a about them and one of the dog actually died and the other two dogs started coming over a lot but the the other house didn't give a right so eventually they did own them but it was through seeing they didn't steal them they just like fed them and took care of them yeah i would if you want to start this i would maybe like feed him and just see what the reaction is to the other owners but stealing the cat

I mean, it's a crime. I think that's important to understand. Yeah, you can't steal someone's cat. I can't highlight that enough. Also, it's not like they beat the cat. They just have a different take on cat ownership. I don't even know what was their issue. She's like, he looks in the window. It's in the rain. It's out in the rain. Also, it's a cat. Who gives a fuck? Fucking hit it with a hammer. Who gives a shit?

The fucking cat. Amen, brother. So your hope that we had a panel with different opinions on cats than me did not come true, unfortunately, Caller. I love cats. I'm a big cat person, but...

Yeah, I mean like... You have a cat? I can't because... Oh yeah, Lin-Manuel said no. And also my girlfriend hates cats. Oh, interesting. Real point of contention. I love cats. But you should just have a kid to make up for it. Can you imagine you in the tub with a cat? That's the complete picture. Would you get a hairless cat you put in the tub? But I would, yeah. So I think my advice for her is to maybe like download the dating apps. Yeah. Give it a go. And it's also like, look, that's their cat.

They can do whatever the fuck they want with it. As long as they're not abusing it, maybe the fucking cat likes being outside. Yeah, Rain's okay. I mean, he's also... He's a fucking animal. What are you going to be like? Well, he's naked on a leash. I should take him. So anyway, stop meddling in other people's cat business. And, you know, now if this owner comes to you and they're like,

hey, just take our fucking cat. You love it more than we do. Fine, you can take the cat. And then if all you're doing is going against your fucking landlord, fuck your landlord. You definitely don't want to be a cat burglar. There it is. That's good. That's good stuff, man. Joe's pissed off. Joe, the fact that Joe's a kid is really... Really impressive how long you stayed stoic. I was like, is no one going to do this? Yeah. Yeah.

All right, you got something nice for us here, Elders? The boys are getting sleepy. I see it in their eyes. Well, I have a child. He's got no excuse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like seeing how much you profit off of mental illness. I'm doing a service to the community. I feel like the last time we did this, it was like a school shooter. It was like, do you ever get ones that are like too much?

I don't know. I do whatever. Eldest is the guardian at the gates. So he's the friend. I'll just pass the rock quick there. Sometimes there are ones that are like, it's like, damn, these people need help, but we are not the source. Give me an example. Is there anyone like, I'm about to shit up at school. Should I do it?

No. Like, most of the time, if someone makes, like, a flippant, like, suicide joke or something, but you could... Like, they say it in a funny way, but you could tell they're actually depressed. Yeah. Don't want to let that... Who amongst us hasn't wanted to kill themselves? Yeah, sometimes... I do right now. Yeah.

Sometimes those go through, but you know. I don't think you're really profiting off of my total loss. Thanks, man. I don't give a fuck. I don't fucking care what you think. Patreon.com slash StavisWorld. Patreon.com slash StavisWorld. Are you going to take that from this fat-faced Jew, or are you going to keep paying your money and get your problem solved by me?

Let's see what we got, Eldest. Hey, Stoddy. I'm calling for some advice. Yeah, that's a good one, too. Beliked, Fat Face Jew. You can take either one of those. FatFaceJewSpecial.com FatFaceJew.com is a great website. Yeah, maybe I'll do that. But I can't change the title. BraveSpecial.com Special's called Brave...

Hit us with our finale here, Aldous. Saw pictures of her, but we chatted for a while, you know, typing back and forth. We never really spoke for some advice. The garage just kind of started dating recently. We met online, saw pictures of her, but we chatted for a while, you know, typing back and forth. We never really spoke on the phone, actually. Spoke on the phone in Baltimore. Until we decided to.

Actually, me, out. So we're both from Baltimore. I'm from Hamden. She's from Highland Town. Anyway, when we finally met, we met at Outback Steakhouse. Outback Steakhouse down in Canton, baby? Yeah.

That's fucking awesome. At Outback Steakhouse. And I was startled to hear how sick her Baltimore accent was. She was really cute, beautiful girl. You know, we get there and she's like, oh, this is my favorite place in the Outback Steakhouse. You know, you want to get a blooming onion? And it's just...

I couldn't believe it. Cause I, I mean, you can kind of sense a little bit of a bone on accent in my voice, but everything, you know, we're going to go up there, going to go down to ocean. So, which is fine. She's so cute that I kind of overlooked it. Once we finally became intimate with each other, it didn't end there. It's even worse in the bedroom. You know, it's like, Oh, you want, you're going to touch me down there more. You like that when I do that to you, huh boy? Feels good, don't you? And, uh, you know, it's,

Kind of a turnoff, you know, to have almost like my aunt is talking to me, you know. It feels hard. It's just horrible. So I don't know if you think this is a deal breaker or not. I know you're from Baltimore. So, you know, let me know what you think. Thanks.

The idea that this guy thinks somebody else's Baltimore accent is too thick is hysterical. It's got to be really thick. Well, I don't know. This might be a little drastic, but have you considered like cutting out her tongue? Or maybe cutting like a piece of it out so that it kind of changes her tone. It is interesting. I dated a hot girl once.

who had a voice or we left each other but she she sounded like a man kind of she's like really hot but she'd come up she was like hey how's it going that's pretty cool I think it was a man did she have a penis was she trans no she's just one of those women with a penis yeah they call me gay I don't get deep voice she's just a woman with a cock that's like a thing yeah but that's cool I mean that's an old joke like like the hot girl with the weird voice hmm

I don't know how much it would bother me. I've never been in this situation. I love that I know exactly the Outback Steakhouse he's talking about. Me and Eldis have shared a Bloomin' Onion there multiple times. We've shared the How Good Are Those Ranch Bacon Cheese Fries. We've almost gone there hundreds of times. Yeah, it was the go-to backup for when we didn't think of anywhere to eat. So I love that I know exactly where they went.

And it's not like you sound like fucking Alec Baldwin or some shit. Like, I go with it. You know what I mean? You'll get used to it. Yeah, how hot is she? I do think, though, if I was dating a woman with like a thick Boston accent and she was like, fuck me, hot ass. It would be a struggle for me. I do think it's like, I get the aunt thing. Yeah, that's fair. I like having a wife that's...

That's not anywhere near my hometown. Sarah's not like, fuck me harder. The fucking socks. Yeah. Fucking... I guess that's true because I don't... No one in my family speaks like that because I'm Greek. So if I hooked up with a girl who was like this, it would be kind of a fun little... Like I would feel almost like it would be a fun little thrill. But I get what you mean about it being too close to your family. Yeah, someone that sounds like your family is not hot. Yeah, it's like you said, aunt. I mean...

Boston is a tough one. That's one of the Baltimore's not good. Baltimore's not good. Boston, at least there's like movies and people do it to me. There's like sketches where it's funny. Hey, what the fuck are we talking about here? You know, but the wire, you know, uh, that's it. Uh, I'll think of some other ones.

Baltimore's like a southern accent. We own the city. What's his toes? That guy I met that makes the wacky movies. Pink Flamingo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Waters. Yeah, that's a classic. I mean, yeah, Baltimore's like a southern accent, kind of, isn't it? It's like a southern twang. It's that mid-Atlantic trash. It's the same thing as Philly, Pittsburgh, parts of Jersey. They all have kind of the same accent. Why do accents just make you sound dumb?

Yeah. I always had an observation that people from the north do dumb, they do a southern accent. People from the south do dumb, they do a northern accent. Yeah, exactly. But why like

I don't know why that is. I guess it's like a blue collar thing. I guess it's the fastest thing. I think educated people try to enunciate. Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. Then that whole transatlantic accent for a while. Rich people just talked vaguely like Frasier. I mean, yeah, he's going to Outback Steakhouse for a date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not exactly Richard Gere. No, no, no. But also, he's got to be attractive because if this is even a question...

Like he could just go get someone else. He's like, she's cute as hell. But like, I've never been like, I don't know her accent. If someone's fucking me, I'm like, woo! Yeah. This is a real issue with some of these emails. You really need to see the pictures. It is true. That does help a lot. Yeah. I bet he's a hot guy with not that much money. If you're hot with not much money, uh,

choose someone else who talks not like a retard. Or you could put a ball gag in her mouth and be like, this is my thing. A Baltimore gag. A Baltimore gag. Yeah, very nice. I want you to wear this ball gag 24 hours a day. I think it's really when they fuck. Oh. More of a turn off when they fuck. Oh, they just put her in a gimpa.

gimp outfit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cover her mouth. Fucking tie her up. Pretend you're into BDSM. Yeah. And that's your way out. Yeah. Like, yeah, just to get into some, you know, fuck the gimp, zip her over the shit. Do what I do. Make it where she doesn't make any noise whatsoever the whole time. Just quiet. You can't even hear her over the vibrator.

Crank the Hitachi up to 12. Yeah. But people with those accents are very loud and bad, I guess. I would assume so. No one's like... Do a slow... Do a Boston accent fucking, but like gentle. It's probably hard to... Yeah, fuck me. There is that...

It does feel like you have to call them a man. There is this couple where their whole TikTok thing is that the woman talk has a really thick Boston accent. It's like this couple, the guy doesn't talk like that and she does. And let me guess, it's way more successful than anything I've ever heard. They go viral constantly. But it's the same shit over and over again. She is hot. And I've watched those videos and I don't know if this is what that guy was hoping for when he started a TikTok with his wife.

But I watch those videos and I'm like, I would love to fuck that lady and her dumb voice. But I don't know if it's...

you know, that's not my wife, you know? Yeah. And again, it's not something I grew up with, so it's weird. It's funny to say the Boston accent is exotic, but like to me, it is a little exotic, you know what I mean? Yeah, an accent is good if it's not your hometown accent. Right, yeah. Like a Southern accent to me would be really sexy. I know a guy that dated a woman from the South and one time they were fucking and she said, I'm fixing to cum. I think about you saying this all the time. I told you this before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you just told me in person, not even on the pod. I'm fixing to cum.

I'm hard just saying it to myself. That's crazy. I still think about a girl in Asheville where me and Ben O'Brien, shout out to Betty Butchek's, the consigliere of Stabby Baby Enterprises. We were going on a two-man tour doing just little ass places and we were crashing with anyone. We didn't have any money. And this hot woman was like, y'all could crash with me or whatever. She was like in this little yellow sundress. And I was literally like, we can't take her up on this. Just...

I don't know, man. She's too hot. I'm going to try. I'm going to embarrass myself trying to fuck her in her own house. Yeah. You know? But I remember, I still think about fucking a lady from 10 years ago because she had a hot southern accent. No, no, no. I think about it sometimes as a way to jack off. Well, not fully jack off, but get it started. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. The appetizer to a jack session. I'm like that with, I met a girl with Down syndrome. She had an accent that really...

I took it too far. I took it too far. And scene. And that's going to do it for Stavi's World. Thank you for listening, guys. Go watch Brave. It's out right now. Please. This podcast was recorded a little earlier, but I assume it's been nominated for a Grammy. Go watch Joe's specials. Go see these boys on the road, and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.