#81 - Greg Stone and Sal Vulcano
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got a real power couch today, folks. Two of my faves. Two beautiful, excitable, at least partially ethnic Italians. One full, right, Greg? Or what are you? What do we got? I'm like 80. Let's do white race science. Ha ha ha!

Let's measure each other's skulls. Let's do phrenology. Last night, I ordered five 23andMe premium kits. Five! $1,017 with discount. Why? I see $479.

On Amazon it was $2.99. Thank God I checked the actual website. It was on sale for $2.29. Every subsequent one was 20% off. But don't you just need one? Me, my lady, my mom, my dad, and my grandma, they're coming over tomorrow so I want to get everybody in there. Wow.

I've always wanted to do it. I just read up and they're like, with the skull thing, they actually like match, like they tell you how much Neanderthal you are. That's crazy. Now let me ask you, what is the, what's the compulsion, like, and I love going all the way, getting all five, covering the bases of everyone in your life to make sure, I mean, except for your girl, everyone else is,

related to you so you want to just make sure this technology is good well I don't know how it works right so like if I put mine in but nobody above me did right I don't know how you know my grandma she's 92 she's got she's probably going to connect to somebody you know what I mean it was really about her I was like I got it I had the idea I wanted to do a family tree since like I swear to God I was probably in the mid 90s I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a textbook

About how to search your roots. All right. But now it's like, it's there, you know? I just find it fascinating. So you just kind of want to know out of curiosity. They can now go back. I did for a bit on the show, like 10 years ago, I did Ancestry. But all that really does is tell you, you know, what you are and if you have relatives. If you have cousins or whatever. Yeah, but this goes back.

I mean, like hundreds of years. Interesting. And you could literally see, like, I was actually reading the reviews and one guy said he found out that like 530 years ago, someone related to him died via arrow. I was like, I want to know that. That's interesting. Yeah. And you know, fellas, we've either already talked about or we're going to talk about very soon Sal's...

special that just came out, terrified on YouTube. Of course, Greg has a special out right now. We've also already talked about it or are going to talk about it pretty soon. But something else people should check out is Tires on Netflix that I was in.

That's not something that you guys did, but I actually did it on Netflix right now. Great crew, Shane McKeever, Gerben, the whole Philly squad. They were great to work with. It's doing great. I just figured I should tell people to go check it out. I forgot we prerecord so many episodes of this podcast. Not this ad, of course. This ad definitely took place as the thing happened.

And when I say ad, I guess what I'm really not really talking about tires, but what I'm talking about is how much I love the game time app.

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Stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. But I, because you're getting them for your mom and your grandma. I thought you'd just get you, you're good for everybody. No? It's like, hey, this is all our book? Well, I don't know. I just feel like they probably got some stuff in there I don't got. I don't know. Well, I did, I do think actually that certain people, it only is what you...

Like, everyone has a certain... Like, you and your siblings would have a different 23andMe, theoretically. Like, because it's whatever genes they, like, that are expressed in you. At least that's how I... But we would have the exact same... Like, me and my sisters would have the exact same...

if we both did it, right? I don't know if you would. Maybe not. Or is it like when you bake a brownie, a pot brownie, and you could take a bite in one part and serve it in the other part? Yeah, absolutely. Exactly. Some got all the Puerto Rican in the crust. Right, right.

I do think my sister probably got more Puerto Rican. She lives of adobo. Lives. Her kitchen smells lightly of adobo the whole time. Mine smells like garlic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it really, that's how I, and I also, I'm also just saying that because my bro, one of my brothers did it and we all, me and my brothers look, one of, my brother Nick looks just like, he's a blonde,

Well, dirty blonde now, but blonde, blue eyes. Me and my brother George would always tell him he was adopted by... You have his contact info? Yeah, he's a piece of ass. He's married and mostly straight. But also like the Pop Brownie. Yeah, absolutely. What percentage? And we would tell him we adopted him from Norwegians. And he'd be like,

What? Really? Because my brother, me and my brother, I just look like a regular, I could go a lot of different ways, I feel like. And my other brother, George, looks like Greek to the point, like maybe a little Middle Eastern, like very hairy. And he had like, he had like more, a little more Middle Eastern flavor. But I wonder if Nick did it, because our grandma's also from like Northern Greece, where it is kind of like,

mountain fucking snow people. So there's a lot of different shit going on. But I also, part of me is like, they're making all this shit up. Yeah, it'd be really fun. They're just like, you're George Washington's brother. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. What I don't get is how they go back that many generations because they really, I mean, they go back. This is almost like we're doing Spawn Con. This feels like it's a really integrated ad for this thing. Yeah.

I mean, they really go back. And until these days, you couldn't do that. Let me tell you, the value's there. I mean, you literally started talking about if you go to their website, it's cheaper than Amazon. Full disclosure, I get a little bit. Yeah.

I love it. But I do love that your eldest is, your sister did it right, and it said that you guys were like from one region of Albania. We're a thoroughbred village. One block. It's one block. It's a 300 block of work. Yeah, it's so fucking, they found the exact manger, all of eldest's relatives. All of eldest's relatives. They used to sleep in the same room, one big room with the livestock. Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting. Well, hey, let us know how it comes back, Sal. Come back, let us know. And we should also say, I don't think, because we started plugging Ancestry Services, we didn't talk about either of your specials.

But we have specials out right now. Greg Stone, nobody presents, which I love, Greg. That's very funny. I mean, you could have presented it. Yeah, it could have been Stavros Agis presents. You're right, you're right. You're right, fuck. Shit, dude. That's all right. It's over now. 40 bucks, I asked. 40 bucks? I said, everyone present this thing 40 bucks. Really? No, no. How much would it have taken, you think? $10,000. All right, well, it's not nothing, Greg. No, I just thought...

I did a GoFundMe. The GoFundMe was like, hey man, put this in. But if anyone wants to pay for the whole thing, it's your name. And it could have been anybody. Anybody, any name. Richard presents. Get a bunch of friends. Now would it have... Dilled Barney Penis could have presented. Barney Penis presents Greg Stone. Would you have named... Now if I... Fuck. Now if I had spent all 10,000, could I have picked a title? Absolutely not.

You could have just done your own special on my special. Well, I'm sure you have another one coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be called Star Wars Hackers Presents Barry Penis.

Featuring Greg Stone. No mention of Greg. People are like, who's this guy? Does he have to come out and go, hey everybody, I'm Barry Penis? No, no, he doesn't. In fact, I prefer that he say he's Greg Stone. I love the mystique. So that everyone is like, wait, who's Barry? And I want you to never say Barry Penis in the special. I want you to never mention it.

The reviews are like, in this hysterical head scratcher. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. It goes, yeah. It's like, wow. He was doing something very avant-garde. Who is Barry Penis? Greg Stone, he gets into all of our, the id and the ego. Is Barry Penis our super ego? Yeah.

But we got Greg Stone, Nobody Presents, which is a hilarious title. Louis did Louis J. Gomez Presents, Louis J. Gomez, which it was very good also, but I really like Nobody. There's something just poetic about it. Nobody gives a fuck. No one. I was online begging. No.

No one cares. I mean, it's a joke. Yeah. It's a great joke right in the title already. And very funny. Go watch the special. Greg's hilarious. I mean, you've been on the pod multiple times. We had some great, some classic Patreon bangers. We finally let Greg loose. We let him on the- Oh, this is the real one? This is the real deal, baby. Oh, boy. How's it smell out here? How's the fresh air? Now I'm nervous. How's the non-Patreon air smell, baby? Now you can't admit being gay. Okay.

You're Barry penis

Oh, boy. I love it. And we have Sal Volcano, of course, who has a special out right now, Terrified. Go check it out. Terrified on YouTube right now. I love it. Go watch it. We're linking to both of these folks. Stop watching this right now and then watch these. And then come back. Give yourselves a whole day of entertainment. We're talking between these two specials in this podcast. That is a day.

you got a nice four hours of entertainment. Calling sick. You know? Who cares? People usually get through about 20 minutes a month. Ha ha ha!

That's what the analytics say. That's what the analytics say. YouTube called me personally. And they're like, we've never seen a special that every single person got in exactly 20 minutes. Exactly. I had this bit I wanted to do. No one laughed. I thought it was funny. I went on Jim and Sam and I went, this is what I want. I want everyone to try to masturbate to it.

Try. I don't care if you're gay or not. Just try. And timestamp when you come in the comments. Oh, oh. Because I want to know what to your special mean. Because if you could, it's not porn.

But if you could, then you're becoming a trained sexual person. You know what I mean? And I wanted to see if the numbers would add up to where everyone came. Oh, like if there was something innate about you that at like 1734, everyone's busting. Yeah. It's like, hey, this is a non-pornographic thing. People are going to masturbate to you. But for some reason, every time he talks about his wife...

they blow. Or him being shit. It's the losing hair bit. Right. You know, religion just seems to get people real hard. I don't know, whatever. Interesting. And no one took you up on it? I think about three people. So three people did. Yeah. Three people. Three people. Well, I guess my thing is if I had to beat off to your special, I think it would be more of like training myself. I would be trying to tune you out. Yeah, that's the thing. There's so many ways to do it.

I just want you to do it. I think the strategy is waiting for crowd shots. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. She's having a good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crowd shots would be good. I think if you do that with mine, let me know the minute you have to pop a Zoloft. Mine is insane. I have no statistics on it yet because it just came out, but I'm going to find out. Yeah. YouTube should tell you where most people would bust. It would be the great one. This is where people turn off. This is where people come.

I can see the YouTube meeting just being like, so we have a new feature. New feature. Like the internal meeting. It's like, we're going to be able to tell when people bust. Yeah, they could go around. They could send people. You know how the Nielsen ratings has a little box? Yeah. They could have a little cuff around your dick that measures blood flow to your cock. We're a bust family. Yeah.

Interesting. This is really... You're innovating, Greg. Can we curse on the... Can I be dirty on the regular episode? Because I know it's on Patreon. Yeah, you can be dirty. I mean, how dirty... Does it reduce...

View? Yeah. Come on, you both have specials to plug. Don't go crazy. Give us the second half of the show. Once the questions start, then you can really let us know. Then you can rank your favorite Asians. Then you can rank them. Not hard. Oh, he's got it ready to go, folks. He's got it ready to go. And I've done the research. Oh, I love it, dude. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's...

What you were saying, like, crowd shots just reminded me of your youth and just, like, I don't know if you guys, the VCR, rewinding something and then being like...

Plus play, then beat off to it, and then have to be like, ah, didn't blow, and then rewind. And have to start up, walk back to the start of the finish of the... Like Total Recall, like the three titties, rewinding and going back. Yeah, Total Recall. Because you couldn't really pause, because in the VCR, and this is for the children out there, the young kids. And you know what? I didn't think I'd like getting old, but I actually love...

regaling what it was like in my day to these Gen Z kids. I never thought it would be like that, but we really, we're like the last non-internet. Yeah, we're the last people to beat off to date. That's in life. I mean, it's only going light speed from here. Absolutely. So we had the last taste of whatever purity was.

We had to jack off the way you make soup out of bone, how you make bone broth. Right? These kids take a bite of the most choice part of the steak and then throw it away. We have the scraps. We have to boil overnight to get a little bit of pornography flavor. Yeah. My porno. I'm so sorry. Yeah, please. My porno. Don't apologize. I got stories. It was a catalog for porno. Oh, wow. That was...

Two pages ripped off. I put it into a report card envelope so my parents would see it. Folded that into a Sonic the Hedgehog. I love that your parents took such a little interest in your academic career. They're like, all right, where will my parents never check my report card? Yeah.

And it was shoved in a hole in my mattress. So my family would literally have to go, what's this hole in the mattress? I want to play Sonic the Hedgehog. What's Greg's grades? Prego porn. Like, that's what they would have to do to go to the bike. That's the equivalent now of just labeling the file folders that you have to click seven times. Sonic.

Wait, I know one better. You remember like Metal Edge? Like you remember magazines like Metal Edge? Sure. Yes. They used to sell posters. Yeah. So there would be an ad, one page of posters they sold, but the posters would be little thumbnails on one page and there would be like 50 of them. And then it was like a Samantha Fox in there, topless. So then I would have to look at the half an inch by half an inch black and white box.

Topless Samantha Fox. This big. Did you ever get a magnifying glass? No. I just held it real close. Yeah, real close. A monocle would be fun. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You would feel refined. I love that, the, like, holding it right here and then...

jacking off like you're checking the carrots. You have a jeweler's eye on you. All those Bop and Big Bopper magazines, you know, like the 17 things. Well, I was that age. When you're that age. When I was, you know, whatever, Alyssa Milano was whatever. Same age. And you're kind of like, oh, she looks great in that devil's jersey.

Oh, yeah. What have you? Alyssa Milano, definitely. Now, see, I was very lucky. I feel like I'm in the transition generation, right? I'm 35. And I did catch the end of jacking off to VCR and to magazines. Greek magazines were great because Greek people will show tits in their real newspapers. You know what I mean? Right. And so I would grab something that my dad had or my mom had. It was like Caligula for you. Yeah, truly. And I was just like... I literally would do a thing where I would...

in the living room amongst everyone just read it as if I'm reading Greek but I was banking where the tits are and I was remembering and then I would establish myself as a guy who read this magazine and I'm like and my parents as a cop as a cop

As the type of man, the type of young man that's taking an interest in his culture. My parents were literally thrilled because they're like, he's reading Greek. Because I spoke Greek, but reading is harder, right? This is like adult, not little kids books, like an actual magazine. So my parents are thrilled. Then I also would establish myself as a guy who would take a regular book into the bathroom to read. This is before cell phones when you're shitting. We're a long shitting family, right? You got to establish. Got to establish. And then, well...

Now I just want to read the Greek magazine in the way I would read any book in the toilet. And, of course, I'm jacking off. Of course I'm jacking off. You were like Joe Pistone and Donnie Brosco. You went in deep on the cover. I was on the cover as a guy who cared about his Greek literacy.

Oh, man. Those were the days. Establishing is huge. You got to establish. I would go into the bathroom and always take a long time. Right. Because I knew at some point I'm going to be wanting to masturbate. At some point. But if they just think I've got, you know what that got me? Yeah. A colonoscopy. My parents were worried. Oh, no way. My parents were worried I had a cold. I love that.

I love that they don't know if you pass Spanish, but they know how long you're shitting. Your dad's out there with a fucking stopwatch. You're failing bowel movement. A 17-year-old might have polyps. You really had to get a gum?

I had a colonoscopy. Oh my God. I had a colonoscopy. And I will say it's part of the story, right? Okay. The other part of the story is I was called out of work at a hospital and my mom worked at that show. So then you should see the doctor. And so I saw the doctor, just call us. I don't want to go to work. And he said, I think you've got stomach issues with your, with your, these,

long times in the bathroom, the stomach ache, and they sent me for a colonoscopy. Oh my God. And I went, I saw through. I knew all of it was a lie. Of course, you were in too deep again. I was in too deep. That's like when you have to beat a guy within an inch of his life but not technically kill him to stay undercover for the mob. You're like, all right, I don't know if I crossed the line yet or not, but I can live with myself just barely here. Just shoot past his head. Yeah.

I'm 47. I haven't had a colonoscopy yet. I know. I'm like five years late now, seven years late, but you had one that early? I had one. It was like 17 or 20. I don't know. 17 or 20? I don't know.

I don't know anything about my own life. Not factually. What do you mean? Those are such different years in your life. 13 or 36. That's high school or college, bro. That is such a distinguishing time in your life. Anyway, whatever. No, but you got it. They're great. They give you really great drugs. You're a fan? What I was going to say is, have you had one since? No. No.

Oh, really? How long was that one good for? Because aren't you due for one maybe soon? I think they didn't even do an output. I think they were like, we know this bullshit. I think they just kind of ran through it. I don't think they were looking too close. They tickled your nuts a little bit? I think the age has changed, though, now. I think it might be 45. Because I went. I thought it was 40. I went and my doctor said, no, no, no, you got time. Oh, maybe it's prostate is 40. Colonoscis is 45. Prostate, I feel like they're getting loose with it. Someone put a finger up my ass.

Eldest, you got one of those too, right? Yeah, I got checked for some shit. Like you weren't there for that and they just were like, oh, so. Yeah, I was the dentist. Stop it. It was too easy for me to, yeah. Oh, yeah, you know, I was getting my braces taken out and he put his thumb in my, I'm like, doctor, how does this help my sore throat? Anyway, I can do that. And he held me down. You real dumb.

I didn't want it. He just kept taking it. Yeah, yeah. But it's okay. I just had like a... I just remember the guy being... I was there. I guess I was there because I was pissing too much. So I guess that is prostate. Yeah. But that's actually good, you know what? Because then there's no buildup. True. You're not like, oh, I don't know how I'm going to feel. It's just like, oh shit, it was over before it started. No, it really was like a... I was like, is he going to... In my head, I'm like... I literally didn't know he was going to put his finger up my ass. I was literally like...

is he trying to check my balls from behind? Like, I was really like, does he want a different angle on my balls? Like, that's what I thought was happening. He didn't broach the subject? Not really. And then I saw him put gloves, you know, the gloves, I mean, I guess he had the gloves on from the nut gloves. And then, but then I heard a little like, the lotion getting, or the jelly. Oh boy.

That's taking liberties. It was taking some liberties, yeah. I guess he might have said, I'm going to check your prostate, and I didn't, because I was 17 or 20. Anyone else in the room? No.

No, but... That's how I want it to be. Because my friends go, like, oh, there was, you know, there was the nurse, whatever, and then there was the person that was, like, in college learning, whatever the hell it is. I'm like, I don't want multiple people. No. And in fact, something that really did actually feel horrible is that... So he checks my ass clean. Clean as a whistle. Beautiful hole. Yeah.

And then there was like a trainee female doctor who was kind of hot. And she was kind of my type, too. She had like curly hair. Just really a type of girl I would have loved to fuck. And she's like...

He's now walking her through how to check a penis on my little ass dick. No way. Yeah, dude. So now she's holding my dick. And I'm nervous. No way. Like, literally, my dick is shrinking as it's out. Like, my dick is shrinking. That's like a recurring nightmare type shit. And she's, like, pushing my little ass dick back to get dick meat because I'm scared. And my dick is, like, going back like a dog. Like, who is that?

Like a frightened turtle? Yeah, dude, absolutely. And this guy's just like, just like, what? And so I'm like looking at it and I'm like, and I think I'm

I'm trying to think if you know it's funny I should only were saying 17 or 20 and now I don't know if I was now I really don't know if I was 17 or 20. I'm gonna say I was at least 19 but I'm trying to think if a woman if a woman had touched my penis it was not the completion like I had gotten a girl grazing my dick I'd never gotten a woman paying this much attention to my penis so I was like because I didn't I didn't fuck till later in college so this I think this must have been the beginning of college

And it's the first time a woman is really making contact with my dick. An old guy is watching her. And I'm scared. And the guy's like, yeah, looks like your foreskin's a little tight. Maybe you should... He's just making comments about... Not checking the urinary tract. This wasn't in the Greek magazine. He's like, yeah, he's literally like, your foreskin might need a little snip. Is this pudding crust? And she's like, yeah, I don't know. And she's...

That sounds like a reoccurring nightmare. I honestly have never thought about it until this moment. You say that loud? They, after they saw you, they fucked each other.

I think that's what they do. I think that's their game. If he sneaks a finger in your ass, she jerks you off. She really kind of was pulling it out. Can I ask you a question? Were there any accreditations on the wall? Well, I was waiting for my oil change. This is a chippy loop. I would have kindly said pass.

It all happened so quick. And I was there because I was worried about... I've narrowed it down to 19 or 20, actually. It wasn't 17 for sure. It was college. It was college because we talked. Yeah, that's the best part of elders literally being my friend since I was four. He can fact check shit. Yeah, I remember we talked about it. And you know what? I do remember this because it happened right around that time. I did hook up with that girl, but I was...

I had a lot of penis trauma. Actually, I dealt with a girl who kind of looked like that urologist one. She had big tits. She's married now. By the way, banking tits is a great name for the next special. Yeah. Banking tits. Oh, yeah. That's all that's in here, baby. I've got so many fat tits in my head. You mentioned how we have to go through the VCR and stuff, but what about even to get the tape?

We had to get like a bunch of friends. One, somebody had to drive. We had to go into the BQE on 3rd Avenue at like midnight. Then go in, play it cool. They were like $69.99. We all had the Chippings. Oh yeah, they were too expensive. And then we had to all be like, alright, I have it Monday through Thursday and I pass it to you. See, I'm lucky in that

I was, it was Mad Max era where I was a scavenger of VHSs. Okay. Where it was like, you know, it's your dad's VHS. It's a friend's older brother's VHS. You know, this is 2000. This is like the internet had rolled out in certain areas, just not in our community. We were not a, high speed internet did not get to Greektown until 2014. Okay.

No I literally was in college When they had like high speed Like I had dial up In fucking High school It's crazy But I didn't have a computer in college Yeah I got it my senior year That's crazy dude I typed my reports On a word processor I swear to god And I

And it was like, you closed it, and then it had its own handle. You would walk around with it like a suitcase. And I would never do my report, so I would have to go to school holding the word processor and do it in the cafeteria like the day of. And it was just a single-use computer, basically. It was just like... The word processor. Yeah, it was just like you put the paper in, and it was like a... Oh, it was like an electric typewriter? Electric typewriter, yeah. Wow, it wasn't a screen at all. I didn't know that time ever existed. No, no screen at all. Right on the page.

I thought we went from pencil, pen to computer. I didn't know there was a typewriter. I had to take word processing classes in high school. That's so funny. We had keyboard class. You had to turn out a type. Mavis Beacon.

You ever fuck with Mavis Beacon? The lady that teaches you how to type, bro. Yeah. You know about Mavis? Mario teaches typing. Mario. It was fun. Mario. I'm Italian. We do the culture, you know? I actually had the best thing happen to me because I was... Let me get the age. I was in college because I was delivering pizza and I started at like 19. And my boss was like 33 and he was getting married. And he tells me, I have something for you.

I can't keep this anymore come to my house go to his house and he was the holder of all of his friends No, he gave me a grande mozzarella cheese box Cassettes it was like 35 cassettes one paid dirt in one shot And then I became like a dealer. Oh my god. Yeah died that night. Yeah, I would rip my penis off. You know, I

But imagine having to hide that. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You had to cut a hole in the attic. Where even were you? You were in college? Were you living at home or you have a dorm? A home. Oh, wow. It was like buried in the claws. That's hilarious. What was your favorite video? Do you remember the best cassette from there? I do. I do.

Which one was it? There was one that was red. Oh, I'd like this. For the blood. It was the only one on 35 that was red, and it was like one of the newest ones. Because a lot of stuff in there was still like a little old. And it was like as new as you can get on a VHS. And it was like these guys went to like a college.

And things got crazy. But it was also later porn also got a little bit more like, you know, what it is now. It's like people punch each other right in the face. So it was even more a little like racy. So it was like very valuable. A little reality feeling. Because I feel like a lot of initial porn was kind of weirdly high quality. Yeah. Like...

spoofs where they actually did put money into like the classes like the backgrounds like if it was in a school they actually rented a school somehow they're in a school fucking like whereas I feel like what you're describing is like maybe it was a little bit of the forerunner of oh they're actually you know in dorm rooms they're actually fucking college there was oral in a classroom nice but that could have been any room could have been anywhere who amongst us

I guess I haven't gotten sucked up. Well, I got sucked off in like a recreation area, but not a full classroom. A recreation area? Yeah, I was at my church. Well, I didn't get sucked off. The church is the thing you needed to say. Not a recreation area. The church? It was upstairs at the church. It's still the church. Higher to God.

Literally closer to the man. There was a fucking basketball court next to it. You went full ambiguity. Yeah, well, it was at the Greek Festival. I got my penis touched. That was the first time I got my penis touched. But no, I'm trying to think classroom. But I feel like in college, if you were the type of guy who was getting pussy, you could sneak into a classroom and get pussy in college. I just was not that guy. I wasn't that guy. No. Greg? No.

No, I didn't go to college. I tried. I tried my hardest. You tried. No, you didn't know me. Any community college? I did a little community college, but I, okay, so this is the thing. I broke my tailbone in like the first semester. That was, that colonoscopy, that man really gave it to you. I've had many ass problems in my life. Oh my God. So I had to carry a donut pillow to my first semester of college.

It was a ruptured polynidal cyst. So there was a hole in my kind of butt and it would like weep. Kind of butt? It was like kind of butt. A little above it. So they would put cotton and my mom went, the cotton's going to bleed through that. Use this and put a maxi pad on my ass. So I was in my first semester of college with a donut pill that broke during the first class and I had maxi pads in

in my bag to change my bloody ass. And you said you didn't fuck. Yeah. I mean, I was fucked. Dude, the donor pillow was insane. I had to carry it. And it broke? And it broke in the first class of the first day. And I couldn't see. I was just like, argh. So then I had to take six months off of fucking school. It was a whole nightmare. How'd you break your tailbone? What were you doing? So the tailbone story is kind of my favorite. I could go to jail, so who cares? Tell us, yeah. I didn't go to jail. I'm not going to. Anyway, I went snowboarding.

And I came off this jump. I landed on my ass. And I hurt my butt. I was like, oh, my fucking butt hurts. I went to work the next day.

Oh my god.

They paid all of it. They paid for it. They paid for the whole thing. Greg, the finesse lord. That might be a federal. I think it might.

might be bleep out the theme of the furniture company i am kidding it was a joke this is the beginning of a movie i'm writing called butt boy the adventure of the bloody ass man that is six colonoscopies what's amazing is your fall from grace was instant you were so cool the story begins with you jumping off a ramp on a snowboard yeah and it immediately is followed by bringing a donut to the

to school. That's crazy. You paid your comeuppance for scamming, for allegedly scamming a company into paying workers' comp? Yeah. They're out of business. They're dead to me, too. Fuck them. Damn, respect to you for doing that. I don't want to name any accomplices here or people that were complicit, but

What did your family know of the situation? So everyone thought that I fell off the ladder, right? And it was whatever, anything. And then my mom is a nurse. We went to the hospital and the doctor misdiagnosed it. And so we went home and my mom was like... He's like, no, this wasn't a ladder. This was a snowboard. Classic snowboard ass. No, the doctor had just said that it was...

bruised tailbone or something. My mom was like, he's got a ruptured cyst. So that night I went to like a crazy fever. I had blood poisoning and my mom was like, no, no. As soon as I had a fever she brought me to the hospital and they were like,

Oh, yeah. You have some kind of weird thing because the cyst ruptured. It was a whole thing. Oh, my God. Emergency surgery. It was crazy. Emergency surgery? I think. My life is lies. I don't know what's real anymore. You're 25 or 30? Yeah. Do you have an ash scar? This might be the reason. I could show you. I'm not going to show you. I think I do. I think my butt.

I think that's like a little one of these at the top of the crack. But I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it in a long time. I guess that's true. I guess I've seen my ass because I take nude photographs for the calendar. So I have seen my ass quite a bit. Yeah, I think there's a scar there still. Yeah, it's crazy. You might be the reason I went out of business. Did you get anything or just they paid for your medical bills? They paid for my medical bills and they sent me money. I got...

I had like COVID money. I was getting COVID. I was getting paid for being off. Now, so what do you do? You literally can't sit. You said you had to take six months off. Were you just at home laying in bed? I was laying in bed, but I was also like, I couldn't like sitting down really hurt. It was like a whole thing. I say six months, but I don't know. Sure. I can't really remember, but it was like a long time. This is also 2000. I was...

2001 2002 or something like that the towers fell it was just when the towers fell do you remember how close it was to all these people who came as he was admitted you were on the slopes yeah you were on the slopes in September watching you can't get me on this I was like I was on the slopes yeah

What are you talking about? Do you ski now? Do you snowboard now or is that the end of it? No, no. I snowboarded my whole life. I kind of stopped a little bit during comedy and that's when I gained a bunch of weight because I did it. But I do go. I went. Oh, really? You hit the slopes. I'm a slopes guy, bro. Love it. Yeah, no. No, I've never done any snow shit at all.

We should. We should go. It's so fun. Maybe. I don't know. No, it's not. No, I've done it like enough in my life. I don't like me five times, not enough to ever, it ever took. So every time I went to the first time again, and in 2000, uh, New Year's Eve, 2005 and 2006, I went with my friends to, for the weekend. And, uh, I was like, stayed on the bunny things. Right. And I, and,

I was doing good all day. I was proud of what I was doing, but it was really almost Flatland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were all doing double black diamonds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it's getting to the end of the day, and it's starting to get dark. And so...

uh it's getting colder and so the uh the snow is getting it's like getting hard and everything and they're like they tell me we're going for the last one of the day come up with us they say and then we'll just go we'll stop intermittently with you and we'll make sure you're okay oh no and i don't know why i did that but i went to the top of a double black diamond and then when you get off the thing up there like the first thing you inch off of was literally like this

And I was like, what are you? I can't even get off this. This is completely unreasonable. It was this. Oh, my God. And so I was like, so they go, all right, we'll all go first and we'll stop down there. We'll go first. Leave you to die. Well, they're going to leave me there. So they went and they went like.

I don't know what, a couple, a few hundred feet. - Okay. - You know? And then I was super nervous and it was super hard and so there was no more, it was in powder. - Yeah. - It was like packed. - All ice. - And it was getting, it was ice. It was ice and we were up there. It was ice. - That sucks. - And I went off

And you ever see like Christmas vacation when he... Dude, I went off and I had no skill set and I started gaining speed. And you're supposed to turn your feet and stop. But it was skiing. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry about that. I'm sorry. I apologize to the audience. Yeah, right? And so it doesn't matter. When it's ice, it doesn't matter. And so my feet are in. It's doing nothing. So if anything, it's comical. And I...

I'm approaching them at a rapid rate and I'm yelling to them. I can't stop. I can't stop. I can't stop. I whizzed past where they were. They just watched me go. And then I started careening to the right and I'm heading toward the cement pillar that holds the thing. And I'm not kidding. I'm going fast. I'm going fast. And I didn't know what to do. And they're screaming, fall! Because I'm going to

I'm going to, you know, Sonny Bono myself. And so I didn't know what to do. I turned him in and nothing's working. I turned him in and then I got to the point where the front of the ski clipped something. Front. It turned and they flew off in both directions like this. My leg twisted. I went airborne, slammed into the ground and slid another 60, 70 feet on my face. Oh my God. And I...

Lay there. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see. I saw pitch black. That's a real thing. Blinding pain is a real thing. I've never experienced it in my life until that moment. I was laying there and my face was... I opened my eyes and I saw nothing. And I literally had to think like, did I die? Am I in the afterlife? But I heard people. And I'm like, I really... I mean, I was seeing stars. Jesus Christ.

I actually, I'll send you this. I have a picture because then they ski down to me laughing. I love the pic. I was in so much pain that I couldn't,

tell them how much pain I was in. So they were just laughing and laughing and they started taking pictures of me with like 110 millimeter film, like the old tourniquet. And they have pictures of me just laying there crying on the ground. And then I finally was like, I can't, I can't. And they were like, oh. So then they call the medics, right? The medics come up the hill and we're still at the top of the block. They come all the way up the hill. They put me in a stretcher, right? They put my foot and my whole leg in a boot.

Not the one I had, like an air cast. And they zip you up because they have to now take me. I'm hooked to a snowmobile and they have to take me to the medic area, which is down the double black diamond and up another one. Oh my God. And you're not allowed to have your hands out or extrems out because you could...

get hurt, right? Because I'm on a sled, essentially. And so they bag me up in a yellow thing and they zip it all the way. They zip me to my neck and put my hands like this. So all you see is my head and I'm in a yellow body bag. And they hit the sirens and they're going down the hill. And as I'm going down, I'm passing everybody. And the people on the lifts, this family's on that thing. And I mean, kids started yelling. They thought I was dead. Mothers were like, don't look! Don't look!

I swear to God. I think it's like, mommy, mommy. You ruined like a family vacation. I'm just like, I'm just like. You're like. And I, yeah. Ah, you should have been screaming. You're like. Couldn't stand for another one. I'm going to die.

Every single ex-girlfriend is like, oh, no. It's like, oh, my God. How fucked was your knee? It was as sprained as it could get. Okay. Thank God. Still, though, that can fuck you up. I didn't walk for almost a week.

Because of the pain and they gave me crutches and everything. But that night was New Year's Eve. Oh, my friends are in this condo and everyone's partying. Oh, man. They put me on a swivel computer chair with wheels. Oh, yeah. That's kind of sweet, though. Yeah. But, you know, you make memories. Yeah. Sounds horrible. Yeah.

I've never been, I always, the only thing I ever want to do ski-wise is I just feel like every sitcom, there was one episode in a ski lodge, and they make the drinking cocoa and hooking up with a girl from another school. They just make it seem like, oh, you'd be the one guy. To me, I have this fantasy where I'm the one guy for my crew that doesn't want to go out there. There's some hot...

For some reason, it was a black girl. I don't know why in my head in this fantasy. Maybe this is literally a Saved by the Bell episode. And it was Lisa Turtle. I think this literally might be a Saved by the Bell episode. And to me, it was just me and this girl who didn't. All her friends love skiing. All my friends love skiing. We're fucking sitting in the, there's a fire roaring. We're drinking hot cocoa. It sounds amazing. And we fall in love, dude. This is what I'm thinking of is like a fat.

11 year old by the way laughing

These are the thoughts I'm having. Jesus fucking Christ. There's something romantic about that lodge. The lodge is... With the rolling, crackling fire, the cocoa, and all the wooden logs, like the cabin type of place. A cabin, there is something very picaresque about it, very cinematic about it. Everybody's got on turtlenecks. A little red flush from the face, but the heat's hitting the cold face, and it's like you're warming up and everything. I romanticize that. It sounds good. I love a good log cabin. Yeah. Okay.

Can I tell you this story? Yeah, of course you can. It just came right in. Please. One of my first ski trips was high school. And I was a South End poor kid, right? But the North End had this ski club. So I had some North End friends and we... I'm sorry, where is this? Bloomfield, sorry. In Bloomfield. The North End had a little more money than the South End was poor. I had some North End friends like, we're going skiing, snowboarding. And I'm like...

Fuck that. I can't. All right. Fuck it. Right. But they all hung out together. They were in the front of the bus. They put me in the back of the bus. Now I am with this other school. Okay. So they put me next to this girl who for the story she was big. She was a bigger girl. Right. She's a bigger girl. And it's just me next to this bigger girl and the bus starts going. It's a whole other school. And they start hitting her classic with spitballs. Oh. Like classic bully shit. No. And you know me. Of course. I'm an Avenger with no powers. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So nobody presents you. Yeah. So I stood up and I went... Leave this porky bitch alone. She's my bacon. She was a harder target. She's too easy to hit. So I stood up and I said... Who's being the dick? Nice. Oh, wow. And I swear to God, this man with no shirt, glistening, stands up and he goes...

I'm being the dick. Wow. And I went, fuck, this guy's bigger than me. He was huge. He was ripped. And I went, all right. And you said you were in ninth grade? This is high school. Somewhere in high school. I don't know. So I held the two side railings of the thing. He comes at me. I lifted myself up. I kicked him with both feet. Whoa. I kick him with both feet. It's like Double Dragon. He pulls my pants off. Completely. Wow.

My pants off. That's crazy. And with one move, threw them out the window. Out the window! My pants off. What the fuck? Are you kidding? In one move. You've done something to me. That's insane, dude. Right before you were hanging on to the double bar, kicking it with two feet. That's insane. One cycle. You a dude. Yeah. He owned you so hard. So quick. So quick. Stop going skiing.

Yeah, I know. Nothing good happens. My wallet, my chain wallet, everything. Everything is out. Everything. And they were Jankos, so it was very easy. The bottoms on those things were like 60 inches. So he pulled them right off. Oh, my God.

Holy shit. Oh my God. Now I'm just in my airwalk shoes and a corn t-shirt and I'm like, and I'm on the ground and I'm all tangled up and he's trying to hit me and I'm like, I'm punching him. He's punching me and he's, now his whole school has me tied down. Now I'm like, like they're holding, not tied down, they're pulling me down and I just see him put his hand up and I go, this is,

This is it. I'm done. This guy's about to hit me. From the front, my friend, I hear, not today, motherfucker! My friend Taco, who is a physics teacher now. So imagine what he looked like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back then, just 100 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flew through the air. I see him running up his body, like a squirrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of like...

dismantles him, takes him about. They pull us away. The teachers, they break it up. I sit in my chair. I have no pants on now. The girl next to me. For the day. For the day. For the weekend. For the weekend. I had to wear snowboard pants the whole weekend because I had my snowboard pants in the bag. She looks at me and she goes, because she was big, she goes, she takes her hoodie off

and I put them on as pants. My legs went through, and it was a kid dynamite hoodie. I still remember this day. It was a kid dynamite hoodie, and I hooked up with her. Not a second to her at all. Is that a joke? You were bonded. 100% I went, this has got to happen. This story ends with me fingering this girl up on a sketchbook.

That's awesome. You guys were bonded by something greater than... Yeah, it was something. She was like, you didn't have to do that. And I said something so corny that was like, a beautiful woman like you shouldn't have to do it. I said something so horrible and corny. You ever tell this on stage? No, I just tell it for podcasts. Dude, that's an insane story. Really? That's incredible. Maybe I'll tell it on stage. You should. Are you kidding me? That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. I just got so many, you know? Yeah.

He's been doing it for years. It's on the special. It's on Nobody Presents. I've told so many. You know, you have so many stories you've told so many times. I think everyone who knows me has already heard it. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? That story's a fucking, that's an all-timer. Because you really, you really like, you're not the hero at all.

Like, at all. But to her, yes. I mean, I mean, right? Or she feels bad for him. Or he has degraded himself so much that even a woman who in the, like, this is the 2000s, were not, body positivity is not around yet. Right. All right? She is not yet. Her JNCOs were tight. Yeah. She was filling out those JNCOs, brother. You could not, you could see her wallet in her JNCOs. That's tough, but...

He has made himself just, he's getting a sympathy finger. We find out later that they were just hitting me with spitballs. Those are my friends. What are they talking about? And you're saved by a little nerd. And do you ever get your pants back? Do you ever get your wallet back? No, my pants, my wallet, those are all gone. But you don't have anything important.

important. You're a kid. I had my wallet, but it wasn't my wallet. It was a money buster card. Your permit? What about your identification? No, this is before that. It was an identification. That's not bad. I probably had like $30. I probably didn't even have $30. You had cocoa dollars. I had cocoa dollars. You know, you're going on a ski trip, you probably get a crisp 20 from your folks. I definitely had, I do remember it was a Korn, the band Korn leather chain wallet that I did love that they threw out.

And I also had the shirt. And the t-shirt. Wow. And I had the shirt too. Double down. To me... You're a new metal guy, huh? We were all corn things. Yeah. You were a new metal guy? I was a new metal guy. I was a straight edge. Straight edge, new metal guy. Straight edge, but corn. I wasn't really into new metal. I liked corn. You were a corn guy. I liked corn, and I liked Youth of Today and all these hardcore bands, but I liked...

But corn, I was like, no, this is awesome. And then they went the way they went. And I went, well, I think I'm out now. I'm still fine with corn. I don't know. I'm not a corn historian. I don't know. Well, the first album was like raw and crazy. And I was like, this is fucking insane. And then they got all their emotions out. So the second one, they were like, all day, I dream about sex. And you're like, that's fine. I still like corn. I don't want shit on corn. That was your first trip?

That was the first ski trip? First ski trip. Quicker, not nearly as good. My first ski trip ever was a freshman in high school. And it wasn't a different, oh, it was a different school. We were an all-boys school. We went to an all-girls school, too. So there's guys and girls on there up to seniors. Love it. It's also, we started in, what, September? It was like December. So I'm two months of a freshman, right? Oh, yeah. And we go up to Camelback, which is like, right? And I go with one friend that I knew from the neighborhood who also went to my school.

And we had to get there like five in the morning and I used to get carsick when I still do I get carsick, right? So we get there. I hadn't eaten. It was five o'clock in the morning We're on this bus and we're driving up there and I'm getting sick right and we're toward the front of the bus and we're sitting together and all the seniors from the back the guys the girls they're standing in the in the aisles everyone's like trying to hook up and everything and I feel myself getting Nauseous, you know, I know that I'm gonna throw up right now. My friend is sitting on the inside I'm sitting on the aisle

And I keep telling him, I feel like I'm going to not, I don't feel well, man. I'm telling you, I don't feel well. And I'm like, I feel it coming. So the kid behind me, who I didn't know yet, he goes, are you okay? I go, no, man, I'm really nauseous. He goes, I have a little bagel left. Why don't you try a piece of my bagel? And that was what I shouldn't have done. Oh, no. And I'm like, okay. So I take a bite and it was like an onion, whatever it was. And I just remember, you know when just...

You know when you drink it, go down the wrong pipe, whatever. Just the taste. I felt it hit my taste buds and just shoot down. And I was like, oh, my God. And I knew that I was going to throw up. And there's a bathroom in the back of the bus. Of course. Thank God. But not really. Right? So I'm like, I got to get to this. It's got that little blue shit. It's not, you don't flush it. I don't know. It's like a porta potty. I never made it there. So the bathroom in the back of the bus, it was like a huge bus. It was like 65 people. And I start to go back, but it's...

Music's on. People are throwing the football. Like, everyone's talking. It was the year that the Giants went 10-0, I think. Whatever year that was. Okay? And I start, and I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. No one's listening to me. This bigger... The kids, seniors are like... I mean, at that time, when someone's 18 and you're 13... Oh, dude. And I'm like... And I'm not getting past. And I got through a couple. Then I was in the middle of them all. And I'm like, I have to abort because I'm going to throw up and I can't stay in the middle of them all. So I...

double back to where I was going, and know I'm going to throw up. I don't know what's going to happen. I get to my seat, and I turned, and as I was turning, my friend looked at me, and I put my hand up to my mouth, and I violently projectile vomited, and it shot through my fingers in a way that made it go like, and it...

90% of it went right on him. He was wearing a full white sweatsuit. He was wearing white on white. And I'll never forget the look on his face. It was a look of horror. Of course, dude. That it was happening to him, that he was witnessing it, the smell. He went like...

- Is he the bagel guy? - No, the bagel guy was sitting behind me. This was just an innocent, biased innocent man. And it went all over his white sweat outfit. - Ruined. - We didn't have anything to ski with. We were skiing in that. - Wow. - So everyone started to smell it and was like, "Yo, what's that? What's that? What's that?" And then some senior turns to go, "Yo, that kid right there threw a bowl over himself."

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, oh. And I don't know. And I'm just like, I was so nervous and I didn't know what to do. And then they didn't care what anyone had to say. There was no setting the record straight. He was also like, it was like the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. He like, everything was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He didn't even rebuke it. Yeah. Maybe I did. And then the rest of the day we went on the trip and he had to ski in that outfit and all day long people were like, yo, the kid who puked on himself. He just had to ski in the puke? He took it for me. He took the L for me. Wow. No teachers like, hey, let's get you a fucking shirt from the ski lodge? No, he patted it down and like the stain on him was there all day. Oh.

Oh my God. And I guess the smell with it, you know? That's fucking brutal. Yeah. Did you guys stay friends? Yeah. Oh, really? To this day? Yeah. Well, I haven't seen him probably since like the end of high school, but he was my friend from when I was a little kid. Gotcha. Yeah. What have you been plotting your downfall this whole time? I don't know. I would.

Oh, fuck. That's wild, dude. Damn. Who knew we'd have a couple ski stories? A couple ski stories. Those are great ski stories. Those are both great ski stories. This kind of segues into what I was going to tell you before the podcast. Yeah. Thursday or Wednesday, I don't know. I was 21 or I was 19. My son threw up twice in school. So they call me. They're like... How old is he? He's two. Two and a half. He's in school? Daycare. Daycare. He's in daycare. Yeah, pick him up. He might be sick. Oh, I feel bad.

And so now I'm like, oh my God. And I'm like, oh my God, I gotta go, I gotta get him. I run, I get him. And I'm like, I don't, I'm learning as a dad that I need to use my fucking brain because I don't think. So I'm taking him home and he was like, oh, da, da. And we walked by this place, Layers, it's a cupcake place. And he goes, oh, da, da, cupcake. And I went, of course. You got him, he's throwing out, he's throwing up, you get him a cupcake? Yeah, I mean, I guess you think you're, you know, look, hindsight's 20-20. Yeah.

I bought him a cupcake. He immediately licked all of the frosting. Oh, man. Not even the cupcake, the frosting. And within six seconds, he threw up all over himself. I mean, that's crazy. And he did, and I went, of course. I mean, of course that's going to happen. Of course you have a... Dad, that milkshake. Dad, can I have chocolate laxatives? I mean, I immediately was like, what a fucking idiot you are, dude. Of course.

He doesn't know? Yeah, he's a baby. He's a baby. Yeah, you're the guy that's supposed to teach him stuff like this. I'm supposed to know. Yeah. Is he at an age yet where he throws up, he cries, does he still not really know what, like he throws up and just like, oh, I don't know what this is. I can't tell if he's crying because I'm laughing so hard. Okay. You fool. You're a fool. As you finish the cupcake. Is this, I'm sorry. No, no. I was just going to say, is this the son that now no longer wants you to read bedtime stories? You've been demoted. The same day.

Hey, same day? I can't trust you anymore. Oh, wow. He likes Mama reading the stories now. That's got to be tough. It's kind of tough. When your kid cuts you from story time, he's like, get the fuck out of here, Mom. He knows I can't read so good. You go to the walls and look at the roster, and you're like, shit, I got cut. It just says Mom. It's kind of rough, but there is part of me that goes like,

I'm tired. I'm going to get out of here. Yeah, of course. I'm like, you know what? See you later. No, I hope not. That's true.

That's how it starts. And then you're living in a efficiency and back in Bloomfield, you don't see them ever. You're like, this is so much easier. This is so much better. But he does stuff though. I think he's manipulating me because he'll do that. And then like five minutes later, he'll go to eat. And I'm like, he'll see me by the cashmere myself. And he's like, da, da, da, da lap. And he like, he'll allow me to have him on my lap.

Wow. Like as a fit is like, I know I took story time, but I'll eat dinner off your lap. And then my wife is like, maybe we shouldn't let him eat dinner off her lap. I'm like, why? He's going to get used to it. He's not going to be 40.

And sit on people's laps. Yeah. Take it all now. It might be nine sitting on people's laps, though. It's not going to be 40, but it might be like nine and pushing it. Yeah. With the wrong guy. Yeah. With the wrong Santa. He might only be able to have a nice sandwich on a man's lap. You've created a kink for this kid. He can only come with a foot long on a man's lap. No, because he's gay. I want to talk to him again. So I'll never know. Yeah.

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Sounds good. I think you'll be in town when Janet Jackson comes. Should we go see it, Eldis? Yeah, let's do it. Breaking Benjamin. A lot of good stuff coming up. A Fleetwood Mac tribute band. That seems like some... Oh, Steve Earle, the guy who sang the... who was in The Wire. Anyway, download Game Time app today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed.

That's hilarious, man. Well, look, I love it. We've got a father who's losing touch with his two-year-old son already. Two ski veterans. I think we've got some real life experience here ready to help the people. What do you guys say? Ready to take some calls? And let's, of course, remind everyone, go watch the specials. They're on YouTube.

Nobody Presents, Greg Stone on YouTube. Terrified, Sal Volcano, all out there right now. Go click, they're in the description. You've had enough of this podcast.

It's done. We're halfway done. Go fucking watch the specials already. Come back, finish this later. You got time. If you're watching on YouTube, you have no excuse. You scumbag. You fucking piece of shit. I'm getting worked up. My fucking friends worked hard on their specials. You're not going to watch them? I love you. Go ahead, Elders. Hit us with a question here. What a solve and guess.

What up, Sav? And just, I have quite a unique situation for you guys. So, I've been talking to this girl for like a month and everything is good right now. She really likes me. I really like her. We're really into each other. But, I have a stomach problem.

Right up our alley.

that I'm about to get my colon removed and be shitting out of a bag. I'm only gonna be shitting it out of the bag for like six weeks and then I'm gonna get it redirected but like it's gonna smell, it's gonna be terrible man. It's really gonna be terrible. Do I tell this chick that I'm gonna go through that? I don't know, it's just important man. I don't want her to like not fuck with me because I tell her this so...

I don't know, y'all. Whatever. What do you guys think? Should I tell her now or should I just wait and be like, hey, I have to get this surgery done?

Because I practically have, like, colon cancer. Everything's great, though, right now. Our sex life is great. Our dating life is great. So, you know, maybe she won't care, but I really think she will. Interesting. You guys just talk it out and let me know. Please. All right, thanks, guys. Later. We will, little buddy. How long did you say they were together? A month. They've only been seeing each other, like, a month, he said.

Interesting. I like how he's like, hey, stop. I'm getting a major organ removed. I could have cancer or whatever, but this girl's got really good pussy. This is going to cost me pussy. Oh, man. And I love it, too. I know exactly where his brain's at. I think like four days ago is when I stopped thinking like that as a 35-year-old. Four.

Well, look. Month. Here's the thing. This is a major thing. Exactly what Elvis is making fun of him for, you for. You got to focus on this, bro. And if you had any other major...

Like, if you had any other major rehab, you might take a break from your dating life, whatever. I think you can tell her. I also think, like, are you going to want to see her that much? I mean, I don't know how much, how annoying those six weeks are going to be. I mean, recovery from a surgery like that sounds like it's going to take a while. I mean, I haven't had any major surgery. I don't know. I feel like at least a couple weeks, you're completely out of commission, I would assume. I mean, if you're shitting out of a bag. Yeah, if you're shitting. Lifestyle adjustment.

I mean, some people shit in their bags forever, though, right? He's not, though. I shit in a bag. You shit in a bag? For my own fun. Yeah. I shit in an old bag. I mean, I would say there's no reason. Well, I would say this. You tell her about the surgery. The shitting in a bag thing, you just don't really have to mention until it gets super close to it. Like, when you get close to it, you can be like, well, this is going to be a thing that's going to have to happen. But you're a month into this relationship. Like, this ain't nothing. I mean, it's good, it's bad. Who gives a shit? But...

But worry about yours. Also, just say you're going on tour for six weeks. It's like, ah, my band is performing. Was he planning to have sex with the bank? It sounds kind of like it. I would. I'm like, you know, how does... Because he also alluded to the fact that he thinks she'd care. Like, she wouldn't like it. She wouldn't like it. But, like, I mean, this is...

You got to have sympathy for the guy. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. He's kind of close to cancer. Can you imagine? So what is this girl like that he thinks that she's not going to have any... I mean, it sounds like our friend here might have a little low self-esteem, right? Like the kind of guy who is worried about fucking things up. But it's like, here's the thing. If this fucks it up, who gives a fuck? Yeah, fuck her. This is like, you got to get better, brother. And so I think just...

I mean, do you tell her, do you not? You can tell her that you're like, hey, I've just had something. I've had like... I think you look at it as if, hey, I have this thing. You're a month in. It's not really like your girlfriend. It's not someone you can lean on for something like this. I think what you do is...

look at it as any other emergency that would take you out of commission for a month and a half. Be like, hey, I've really enjoyed our time together. I have to do, I have this medical emergency. I'm going to be probably fucked up for like the next six weeks. You know, maybe I'll hit you up. Maybe let me hit you up when I'm feeling back. You know, the recovery is going to be really tough. And that way you can gauge a couple things. A, she might be like, cool.

hit me up then, right? Or even better, theoretically, she might be like,

I'm sorry. You know, that's... You know, I hate to hear that. Like, if there's anything I can do... And then maybe you... You don't have to fuck her. Like, you can hang out. Right, right, right. You can get, like... You had, like... You had major... You're about to have major surgery, bro. Like, either this relationship is going to survive this or it's not. And if it's not, it's not a big deal. It's a fling. I know you don't want to hear that. Sounds like she's probably good at fucking, but... It's a good base. If she's the type of person that would hold this against you...

That's crazy. Frankly, she belongs in the bag. Yeah, she belongs in the shit bag. So yeah, dude, I think approach it that way. Just be honest with her about what you're dealing with. Like, hey, I have an emergency. I'm probably going to be out of commission for like six weeks recovering from the surgery. If she wants to hang out, great. And then you say, let me hit you up when I'm whatever, when I'm feeling up to it. And look, life happens. Sometimes you hit a girl up, six weeks can...

She might have met a guy much better than you, whatever. Or she might have just hit it off with somebody. Or she might meet a bagless guy. Yeah, yeah. She will come across at least one bagless man in those six weeks. But also...

Six weeks can be a long time. It can also not be a long time. She might be busy. She might have her own stuff. You just have to see how it goes, see how it plays, and just live your life, you sweet little guy. And good luck, man. That sucks. But one-month relationships are not something you need to worry about compared to your fucking health and dodging colon cancer. Yeah.

Excuse my ignorance on this, but do you ever get follow-up on these? We'll get follow-up sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are fun. I'd like to know. Yeah, those are fun. Any today, Elders? Probably not. We might. Oh. Stay tuned. Interesting. Oh, a little tease to me and everybody else who's already on this. Hey, Stavi. I got two best friends. We're all friends. We're all married.

And no one likes one of my friends' wives. Especially the women. And we decided to meet my other friend, the one with the good wife. We're going on vacation, and we cut out my other friend and his wife. We didn't invite them. And he hasn't brought it up to me yet, but I feel a comment of why we didn't invite them. And I have no clue what to say to this guy. I do not want to get involved. I don't love his wife, but I don't hate her. But the women aren't getting along.

You're involved! You're involved, brother. I mean, this is crazy. You can't stick your head... I also love, you know, the women don't get along. It's like...

Come on, bro. That's fucking crazy. You can't blame it on everybody else. You were a part of this decision. But if he didn't decide, then they are the ones that have to do it. You got to talk to Terry. I think that's a coward's way. I think it's one of those things where it's like everyone's in on it. And if you don't want to be a part of it...

If you go with the crew, everyone's in the same boat. And you're as responsible. It's like a Rico thing. Yeah, yeah. You say you've been in this situation, Sal? Or you've been like... I've opened up this situation with relationships and friends and stuff. How do you handle it? It's a rough one. I mean, look, he said best friends. Best friends, crazy. He can't level with his best friend and just say, you know, this is a situation I find myself in. Help me, right?

But there's no helping. That's the thing about the situation like this. This is over. What has happened has happened. Maybe you guys didn't like this guy's wife when they were dating. They're married. It's his wife. So if this is your best friend, then what this is, and I hate to generalize. Maybe I'm reading you wrong.

I feel like our caller here just goes with whoever is in the room at the time to avoid conflict. And you have to search how you actually feel. Sounds like you might have caved to somebody else's wife.

You know what I mean? You cave to the one who didn't like her. Or you're just not being honest. If you don't really like your friend's wife, then you just admit it and say you were a part of it. But don't be like, ah, I don't want to get involved. You can't, dude. That's cowardice. You're being a coward. Can I say something about this? This is the thing I learned. I had a friend who I didn't like his wife and I didn't like his mother. No, I'm just kidding. You have friends. They date people you don't really like. But then they keep dating them.

Right? But the thing you have to realize is that's your best friend. He loves her. Right. Not for no reason. Yeah. Like there's a reason he loves her. Your job is to figure out

how to love her for the reason, to find why he loves her. And then just lean on that shit. Like, lean on that. You've got to find how and the reason to like someone. You can like anybody if he does. I think that's genius. That's very good advice. But I will say, like, he might not be able to grab hold of the things that her husband loves. Yeah, what if it's getting a head? Yeah. What if it's the bottomless throat? Yeah.

What if that's what it is? What if that's doing a lot of the heavy lifting? If she's that bad that they don't think they could just suck it up for a vacation. Also, vacation mentality is usually different, right? For everybody. Yeah. So it's like, if she's that bad, then maybe it's worth saying something. You got to say. Would you divorce her?

But that's what I mean is like, what are the options here? This is his wife. It's not a girl he's dating. And you cut her, cutting him out without saying anything is fucked up. And you were a part of that. And now you're guilty and you're just like, I just don't want to be a part of it. But the second you didn't tell your friend, hey man, heads up.

We're playing this. Like what he found, he saw Instagram pictures and it's your best friend. It's me and Eldis. And I'm like, Hey Eldis, your wife's annoying. She's not. I love her. Uh, we have literally gone on vacation together, but, but it's like, it's just like, I can't fathom this. And I just have to reiterate the fact of being like, I don't want to get involved. It's like somebody who's like, I just, I don't get into this politics shit, man. And whenever it's like some major issue and it's like, look, man, I'm sorry. I get that.

But you have to, you do have, deep down you have some conviction. Most of the people are like, both sides are crazy. Or just people who are like, I don't want to be judged for my beliefs. I have beliefs. I'm just too much of a coward to say them. You have a belief here. You might think the wife is bad and then just say it. Or you might think the other women, if we're going to blame this on the women, which I think is unfair. Fuck.

That's the way to go. That's the only way to go. Let him under the bus. My wife's being a fucking bitch. She's got some grudge against your wife. That's true. Go throwback. Blame the women and then just get drunk in your garage together.

But yeah, just either you actually feel this way about this woman or you caved to the other people who were, who you didn't really agree with, but they were being overbearing at the time. And I just think you have to figure it out. My, honestly, my read of the situation though is if I'm this guy and you're my best friend and you just didn't even mention it to me. Fucked up. I,

Wait, you mean what? The trip? The trip, all this stuff. It's like, you're... These are... I'm not saying that ruins a friendship, but you're putting cracks in the foundation there. Where it's like, it's starting to be like, what the fu...

It's like my best friend went behind my back on some shit like this. Now look, maybe your vacation was fucking gay as shit and he didn't want to be a part of it. Yeah. If he'll just go on some hiking trip where there's no beach and there's just like the outside and the fucking wilderness, no thanks, but... Well, I mean, it sounds like...

A part of me is like, you know, if this was me and it's like, you know, my two best friends and their wives like planned a trip together and it's like, okay, that's awesome. I don't know if I would even like,

feel hurt or slighted or something, it'd be like, okay, that's cool. That's fun. Wouldn't you be like, it's a little weird. I didn't even hear about this. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I didn't even hear about... Like, that's the thing. If it kind of came up in passing and you never latched onto it, you're like, oh...

They you could have assumed like but like if I literally like put this put ourselves if I'm dating someone and me and another one of our friends and you don't even I mean, it's great. The idea that our lives are so intertwined that you would miss me planning. But you know what I mean?

You didn't even get whiff of it? That's crazy. The no whiff means there's a conspiracy. It means that they planned for you to not even, it didn't even come up. You tell your best friend you're going on a vacation. Yeah, that comes up even in passing. That's what I'm sorry to cut you off. No, no, I mean, yeah, for sure. I guess like the softest worst case scenario is like they're talking about it and the conversation gets to the point where like,

You're sort of like, hey, you guys want to come? But that just never comes in that moment in the conversation. Yeah, it's going to be fun. So anyway, what are we going to get? A pizza or what? He scrolls through on Facebook. He sees a picture of all four of them on the slide clone. Yeah. Me and my best friends and their non-dumb bitch wives. Yeah.

Can I say something kind of weirdly serious about this? Sure. So I had a friend who... I wouldn't say I hated his... I didn't hate her. I didn't chance. A friend who, like... You know, I liked him. His wife was fine. He was fine. But I...

We just didn't click. We never had that moment to really, really click. And like, we just always constantly, whatever. She never let you fuck. She never let me fuck. You were being so nice to her. You were getting her flowers. Telling her her ass looked great. She never even. She never regurgitated. Yeah. Reciprocated? Yeah, whatever. Yeah.

She never vomited on me like I asked her. She never vomited on you on your sweatsuit. And then she came over one day and she was like with my kid. And she was so fucking good with my kid that I went, I see why he loves you. Yeah. And I went, and now I see her through that lens and everything she does. I'm like, I get it. I love her. She's great. This is awesome. Because it just, it was just the wrong steps. We just never clicked for me to get what he got. Yeah.

And then when I saw it, I went, but you never cut her out though. You know what I mean? This we're already, no, I know. I know. This is already. And I think you're making a good point. You're right. There's your point earlier too, of like, you can find something fucked up. This is, you guys are fucked. You've done. The thing is you've killed the guy. And now you're like, I don't want to get dirt on my shoes, bearing the body. It's like, you did it, bro. It's over. Now you have to decide, come clean and be like, here's the situation or don't.

But I don't know. I think you're on thin ice with this. This is the exact kind of thing that blows up an adult friend group. Yeah. Ripcord is you just tell them that you bumped into each other. Yeah. Dude, we both happen to be in St. Barts. What a fucking coincidence. Can you believe it? Or you Photoshop them in the photos. Yeah, you guys were there. You guys got so fucked up, you don't remember? You crazy? Dude, what are you doing? Do the ultimate gaslight?

What the fuck? And you get mad. You're like, I buy you a suite for your phone. And this is how you were paying me? You pretend? We all got t-shirts on our faces, Adam. You put the t-shirt in his... You break into his house, put the t-shirt in his fucking dresser.

Yeah, remember you had that fucking the pina coladas? You put a stain on it. You make up a whole thing. You said some really fucked up shit to Linda, by the way. We never talked about that. Now Linda gets points. Yeah, yeah. I love it, dude. There's a lot of good stuff going around. I think actually we kind of solved it for you. I hate to be weird. I might have to run. That's fine. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out.

Leave. I mean, we're probably, I mean, you should go, but we'll probably do, what, a couple more elders? Yeah, we're at like 113 right now. Okay, yeah, we'll probably hit an hour and a half, so we'll finish it out strong with Big Sal. All right, I love you both. Love you, baby. That was great. Love you.

Okay, Greg's son died. But he wants to make sure don't let his death go in vain. Watch the special. He said that. He claimed to have a spot, but he was just dealing with his grief in a strange way. So just me and Sal here, we're going to do a couple more. We like to give our fans a nice hour 30 minimum here. Okay.

Nice 90 minute little action movie like they used to make them for old time's sake. So, Eldest hit us with a couple more questions here buddy. - Hey Stavi, look, and Eldest, boys, listen, I love you guys, you're great, on to business, okay? I'm 35, okay, I've been married for like 10 years,

Okay, I've been with this lady for like 12 years. We got three kids together. Okay, I lost a bunch of weight. Oh, he wants to cheat. I used to be fat as shit. I used to be big like you, big guy. He wants to cheat. Okay, and I lost like 140 pounds hitting the gym and stuff. And found out in the process that I have a really big dick. I don't know about really. And now I'm like conflicted.

What did I say? God, people are such fucking assholes.

I'm just a regular guy that's found himself in a college town full of broads that love older men with big dicks. What are you interacting with them? What could happen? How do they know your dick is big? Please, help. I love these calls. The calls that are basically begging for...

to cheer or my favorite. You're never getting it, man. Because you're not just being honest. This is the thing that annoys me. This guy can't just be like, look, man, I... My wife stayed with me through this. Yeah, yeah. Let her enjoy my dick. Exactly. It's like, yeah, you don't ever think of it that way. It's like, this lady held you down. But whatever. But I love framing it as like...

I mean, I'm trying, but these women, I'm sure you're trying. I'm sure women are breaking down your door. What even are you? And by the way, dude, have they seen you with it? If we really want to get up, get to this. Older guy, 140.

How's that skin looking, pal? Are these bitches really trying to grab onto your wombat flaps? You look like those fucking lemurs that go from tree to tree, I bet you, with your shirt off. So don't get too fucking crazy about how sexy you are now. Also, were all 140 pounds in your foot butt? Like, how did your dick went from you had no idea to really big? Exactly. What do you mean you had no idea? That can't be the case.

You never were not 140. You're never like not fat in like middle school and your dick got big. How much did you gain? You didn't gain girth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a normal dick that was just hiding because you're so fucking fat. It's not huge. And it gets hard now because your blood isn't 80% cholesterol anymore. Also, your wife was with you through that weight and through what you thought was not a big dick. Yeah, right. Now the first thing you want to do is, and you got three kids.

Three kids. Three kids. And let's say you fuck a couple times. What happens after that? What happens? Let's say you lose your wife. You're going to start doing your chores. You don't sound like a guy who does his own chores. I'll tell you that much. Now, look, we're hammering him because he's being annoying about this. You're not going to curry favor here by talking about how big your dick is.

That was strike one. It almost happened, but no. I had to resist. That's strike one. But also, like, this false tone of wit. Like, this is out of your hands. Like, these women are... No, you just... People... First of all, no one's throwing themselves at you. They're just not repulsed by you anymore. All right? And I know. It's fucked up. This is a fatphobic country. Your swag has to be on a million as a fat man in this country to even get some looks.

I don't know if the people, you know, I understand that, like, I had to build up being a certain guy. Like, I'm out on the street. I can fuck more than the regular fat guy, but I'm not fucking more than a...

just replacement level six, four kind of handsome guy. You know what I mean? Like it's just not happening. So I get that. And what you're experiencing is for the first time, people are just kind of give to treating you as a human being. And to you, that's like, holy shit. But really think about what happened. Let's say you cheat, right?

What happens after you're found out? Or are you just... He's too horny. He hasn't even thought that far. I will acknowledge that I can't deny that he has a stirring of a feeling going on inside. Of course, and that's what I was going to say too. I acknowledge it, and you're basically acknowledging it here. You're acknowledging it. So maybe this is admitting that, but honestly, at the end of the day, it's like...

You know, I don't know how important is integrity to you. That's true. Because here's the thing, because it is natural. Like, I'm not going to sit here and lie that feeling more attractive for the first time in forever. And, you know, he's 35, right? I'm 35. If I lost 100 pounds, well, I'm not married. I'd be letting this little dick loose. And yeah, I might gain one extra inch. That's not a huge dick. That's the thing. Hold on a second. He's 35. He lost 140 pounds, right? Yeah.

I could easily lose 140 pounds. No. I could. I weigh 3... What am I at? 318? I think so, yeah. I wouldn't have thought that. I would not have thought that at all. I'm a dense boy. But let's say I lose 140 pounds, right? That gets me to... 182? Which is crazy. That is crazy. I'd be like in... I'd be like fucking insane shape.

I know my dick wouldn't be humongous. My dick would be bigger than it is. I'd get the inch I have to push back when I take dick pics. I just gain that back normally. It would be a wonderful feeling. Hold your hand, make it look like you're gripping full, but it's just the top of it. Just cut your hand off just so you really... The optical illusion plus the pushback. I would make my dick regular would be what I... The smoke and mirrors I make it look like when it's hard.

Anyway, so look, we get it. We're not sitting here and saying, like, we don't understand the base...

primal urge to get pussy, especially if you've been in a relationship for 12 years and you feel like you almost owe it. You're like, I did all this work. Shouldn't I get a prize? Right. The prize is going to your children's wedding. That's the prize. It's not fucking some fucking grad student at your college town. So...

Even leaving the message and his voice and naming these. I would be, I mean, that's risky to me. Yeah. You can get burnt just by this. Potentially. I mean, we're not snitches here. No, but if it's a fan, if someone hears it, then who is it? At least we don't say any geographic. But yeah, it is a phone. Like you could, in theory, it could come back to you.

But, you know. I mean, he sounds like, he just sounds very dislikable. I don't like him, yeah. It's the shallowest form of confidence, like, ever. Which will get shattered. And, like, he'll get pussy maybe a couple times. But you're not a better person, brother. This is so skin deep. And you're not, and then you will run back, you will ruin everything. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, no, for sure. But you're absolutely right. You're so right about the shallow confidence. And.

In this idea, I guarantee you he's overstating how much pussy he could get. I was going to say, it seems disingenuous. I found out I have a really big dick. And also, women are throwing themselves. They're not. Who is? I mean, I guess you're being hyperbolic. I mean, maybe he did get handsome. I don't know. But anyway, again.

Look, it's integrity. He is, you're right, he sounds dislikable. Maybe he is just a piece of shit. In which case, I'll say, this exact thing happened to my father, by the way. My dad had a heart attack and he lost a bunch of weight and he started cheating. Yeah, 100%. And I'll be honest with you, it pretty much ruined his life.

You know, it's like it strained his relationship with all his kids. He's divorced now. It's like... But if you want one of your kids to become famous... Yeah, that's true. Maybe your kid will do it. I mean, yeah. Oh, believe me, this guy's doing a number on his kids already without even knowing it. But, you know, dude, what can I say? It's like you have to decide what's important to you. And maybe you're a piece of shit and what's important to you is a little bit of short-term... Like maybe you want to sign that...

That the mortgage crisis loan. What were they called? You didn't have to put anything down. All those weird... The mortgage Tim Dillon was selling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Subprime. Subprime, yeah. Maybe you want a subprime loan. Maybe you want to go get a house you know you can't afford.

But it's like, you know, maybe you're the kind of guy that will live fine abandoning the woman that held him down and just pay. I mean, are you rich? That's the other thing, dude. You're not fat as shit anymore. Okay. How are you going to you get divorced?

Can you support yourself? Can you, by the way, alimony, child support, a fucking, the mistress you think you're going to have. Like, what the fuck do you think is happening here, brother? We're all for, look, we're not super judgmental here. And if you would come, if you would come to us with a little more humility in your voice, we might even let you cheat. But not this way, man. Not this way at all. I feel like these guys need to like, you know,

It's so new. This is his new skinny life. Yeah. And he's just like on cloud nine right now. Absolutely. It's like, how about this? Give yourself a year to live with yourself. Sure. Let your confidence go down naturally. Right. Let day to day life worry you down a little. Yeah. And then, you know, bills don't care that you're not fat anymore. Right. Try to balance this newfound confidence with just, you know, reconcile it with like reality from the outside, which is just.

You're a married father who lost some weight. And by the way, you think you're going to keep 140 off? You might keep 100 off, you know what I mean? But you're so right, Eldis. And look, again, if you're a piece of shit, he might on some level know, I'm not keeping 140 off. I'm not going to be confident enough to get pussy in three months' time. I have to strike while the iron's hot. That could be it. And it's like, again, man,

If that's the choice you want to make, make your choice. We think it's wrong and we would, you know... And of course, a potential thing to talk about here, which I don't think is realistic, is voicing these concerns to your wife. It's at least more ethical in theory, but who's going to go for, hey, now that I'm not fat...

I think I could get better pussy than you. And what about, like, just, like, redirecting the confidence you're feeling and the newfound, probably, energy that you have or whatever it is and just directing it back into the kids, you know? Like, just find a different place to put it. Find a different place for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that big dick, you know. Yeah.

I'm just saying like, you know what I mean? Totally. Like, take it and put it to use in a good way. The answer is because, look, he's our age. We're still horny. You know what I mean? Like, I know what it is to be a 35-year-old horny man who

who is fat as shit. Let alone Fred. Like, this is bass. And you hear it in his voice. He's not thinking. All the stuff we're saying, he hasn't thought about. He needs to hear it. It might not make a difference because this is the voice of a man on page 82 of Pornhub.

His dick is in his hand. It's hard. And he's just feverishly like, he's almost cheated a couple times. You know what I mean? Like, and he's just, he's not thinking clearly. It's just, you're going to do what you're going to do. We, we weighed in. We told you all your fucking options. We told you how we, what's the ethical thing to do. Now you must make your choice for yourself. I don't have a lot of confidence in him though. What about a sexual awakening with your wife?

Absolutely. Get a little freaky. Get some sex toys in there. Do it that way. Introduce it that way. I know. He didn't mention his wife at all. He didn't mention what their sex life is like. Now, to his semi-credit, some of these guys will try and throw their wife under the bus. They'll be like, she never fucks me. All this shit. But yeah, the thing about the kids is a good thing too because it's like, are you helping with your kids enough? Losing 140 pounds is tough. You have three kids?

Right. Does she have a job? Does she just look after your kids? I would have liked a little more information. Who made it easy for you as a father to lose that much weight? Are you pulling your weight around the fucking house? Is it time for you to pay back your wife for being your support system to this? We need a little more context. Yeah, and also this is an amazing feat.

that a lot of people can do in that situation and you did it you accomplished it right so why take that and then turn it into something that could ruin your life right take it and run with it you know what i mean like keep going in a positive direction yeah take that energy and like put it constructively to like make the rest of your life awesome right right right it's like such a hard thing to do he's trying to cash it in yeah buoy everything else but your dick yeah like

It's like he found some rare artifacts on a dig, and he's like, instead of taking them to a museum, he's like, I'm going to melt these down for gold. There might be a couple gold flecks in this bullshit in these fucking clay pots from 4,000 years ago. All right, what else we got, Eldis? Just a little update. Ah, the update. I love it. And do you want to give us some background, or will he give us some background? No, no. Okay. Okay.

Yes. Yeah.

And you nailed my height, 5'7". 5'7", there it is. Right after that, in 2021, I just kind of got tired of not being able to find clothes and I just lost 100 pounds. Fuck yeah, dude. Respect. And also went to college. I did both those things and mostly it's because I was like, yeah, I'm kind of being a fat piece of shit right now. Sometimes you have to have that reality.

And I just want to say thank you for that. But since he's been at the beginning of Comptown, so it's been a journey. I have a question about something. And again, it's looks. So I have big beards, but my hairline is fucked. I have male pattern baldness, but it's just like a ring in the center of the top of my head. These poor guys, Eldis. It's just I can't even...

I can't even relate to these poor fuckers that lost the genetic lottery. It's like, you know, all of us, all three have just equally full heads of hair and I don't understand why you're laughing so much. And it is pissing me off. I guess it's not nice to laugh in this guy's face, Elders. But yeah, anyway, buddy, we'll try and show some empathy to us. We have three hair havers here on the podcast and we'll try and answer your question.

the Costanza or even like yours it just I'll look like a like some fucking medieval peasant asshole guy but I would really like to grow it out just to kind of look funny much like

You have taught me it's okay to be happy with yourself. There is a limit, though. Because I do... I'm a recording engineer, so I work with musicians and stuff a lot. And kind of looking different can help with that. That's true. But the problem is, I don't know how I would go about... There's a...

The middle section of it's gonna look like shit for so long. It's true. Before it looks like kind of okay and a little cool. If it gets there. How do I deal with that middle period? Because it's gonna be like a year and a half. I gotta play the long game. And I mean like, yeah, I know the common sense would be like, oh, just wear a hat.

But I'm still a pretty sweaty guy and I don't want to... If you're not a hat guy, you're not a hat guy. ...wet out hats all the time. So any advice? Much appreciated. You rock. Also, hello, Eldest. You also rock. And whatever guest is on, well, they're always fun. But have a good day, man. Nice kid. I like hearing that he lost some weight. You know...

I was lucky in that I grew my hair out because of the pandemic. It was like a funny thing. I was bored.

I'm truly one of the only silver linings. Yeah. And I, cause I can't imagine not like I should have had this hair my whole life. It's so fucked up. I wasn't toothless with this hair that pisses me off to this day. The fact that I didn't have this hair with no tooth is so fucked up. Yeah. Um, now look, and to be honest with you, I was taking a leap of faith because I was ready to, cause I had this, that same thing he's talking about where it's like,

I kind of wanted pure male pattern baldness because I thought that'd be funnier to have a bald, a pure bald ponytail, right? Sure, sure. But I've come to love my hair. I love the look and I'm still getting the pony. It's coming soon. I mean, I can get it, but you know, I'm trying to... You have achieved it. Thank you, brother. Yeah, man. Thank you, thank you. And so it's a little bit of a leap of faith. Now, the middle section, unfortunately, I don't have firsthand experience here because...

Well, I will say this, at least for mine, even though I didn't eat my hair, we need to see what your hair looks like. Because some of this might just be you just have to take it on the chin. Because I got to be honest, my shit started looking acceptable earlier than I thought because I kind of went into the like,

Tony Soprano, late stage of the Sopranos. Like, that kind of... I kind of had, like, a dad haircut, and it was a funny look with the stache, with the, like... It kind of was funny pretty early, actually. It was shockingly... The first three months were fucking atrocious when it was just, like, kind of sticking out and weird. But it was the pandemic. Everyone was doing it. Everyone was doing it. Everyone was doing it. Like, I had a beard. I never had a beard in my life. I had it down to, like, here. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And it's a bad beer. It's not a good beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at a certain point, with the beard, it became like, oh. Yeah. Like, it's that long, so it's past, like, you judge me for it. Of course. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a real choice. You just have to take a leap of faith if you really want this. What about... What about...

assisting it. Like you said, mustache, accessories, helping the look come forward before the hair is fully grown out. Like you said, fashion is not just the hair. So you can kind of like

Look at it from a clothing standpoint, accessories, you know what I mean? Facial hair, like you said, it's a big beard, but you can do something maybe creative there. And it's like, oh, people will see that you're going for something. You might have to pair it with some other statement pieces. Yeah, yeah. With like doing something crazy with the beard, being a weird mutton chops guy, being a weird something, you know, handlebar, huge mustache with a shitty growing out hair. Yeah, some of that's dangerous. Yeah.

Because a mutton chop guy could also not play great. You don't want mutton chop. Maybe handlebar though. If you're the kind of guy who grows a really thick beard and having a really fucking serious mustache. Like a Hogan. Yes, like a Hogan while growing out a skullet. That could work. But yeah, you're going to have to go. If your goal is to get over the top with it,

I think that's very good advice. I think part of the reason my shit looked good fast is because I'm in the Hawaiian... It was part of something that made sense. I'm in Hawaiian shirts. You have such swagger. It's insane. I appreciate that. I was looking like...

I had a step, like I looked like a stepdad already. Like I looked like your mom's third husband already. I had that. I'm wearing red Adidas shorts with like, you know, a Hawaiian with chains, whatever. Maybe if you want to go crazy, get a fucking earring, get a nose, maybe a fucking nose, weird glasses, be a sunglasses guy. Especially if you're being a recording engineer and you're trying to cultivate that, I would say if you're committed to this,

put the rest of it in place around it. And look, for a few months, it's going to look like shit. You're just going to have to eat it.

You're going to have to... You know, you said you don't like hats. You might just, like, get a hat in the mix. Yeah. You know, it doesn't have to be day-to-day, but I do like... I like where your head's at, and I like going for... I appreciate what you said about, you know, that's true. I like the way I look. I like being able to fucking look weird and do your own thing. So find what the rest of your own thing is, because your hair is going to be the weak link to that, and it's good. And until it's not, until it, like, looks fucking crazy and long and interesting. So...

This might be not good advice, but it might be corny, but you have an endgame, right? I don't know if this is corny, but enjoy the journey. You're cultivating a new look for yourself. It could be fun. It's like when you're decorating a new apartment. It is fun. You know what I mean? Figure out what works for you. Play with stuff. Maybe you'll surprise yourself and go somewhere you didn't think you were going to go. People you know, you can literally tell them, I'm doing something here. I got an endgame here. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I love telling people that. You know how many people told me to cut my hair?

How many people still Joe Liss hated my hair He might still hate it But he was like What are you doing with the hair People People that saw me When the paint was over over Yeah People were like Alright well now it's time I was like No it isn't Right You gotta stand up for yourself And I agree Enjoy the journey I like looking at I like looking at different stages of my hair Like it is baby pictures Yes Like I'm looking at like My son when he was seven I'm like aww Look at that funny little It's kind of sticking out It's fucking cool

So, yeah, good luck, little buddy. I love what you're doing. Send us a picture of what you're working with. I'd also love to see some pics. What do you think, Elvis? Want more to take us home? Yeah, let me do a little fun one. Dude, give us a fun one. Hey, Stav. Hey, Elvis. Hope you're doing well. I just got a simple question for y'all. If you could go back in time, tell your 24-year-old self any...

Any advice? What would you tell them? All right, that's about it. Boys, have a good one. Take care. Buy Bitcoin. I know it seems stupid as fuck right now. And the one kid who's talking about it is a fucking weird piece of shit with fucked up eyes. But just do it. Figure it out. Just buy $100. Forget about it. And then...

10 years, you'll be a billionaire. This is nice. I like this kind of prompt. This open-ended 24-year-old prompt. That's a tough one because I'm going back. That's half my... That's half. Yeah, half. Exactly half. And you don't want to sound trite with the advice, but I mean like...

You know, I don't know. I'd have to really think and let it simmer, like where my head space was at at 24. A lot of times you remember like, oh, I was here, I lived here, I had this job. But it's different to sit and take a little inventory with maybe what your perspective was and what your security was like and stuff like that. I don't know. So I don't know if you're a person that like, you know, because that's so young still. You know what I mean? So young. So young. But that's the biggest thing I would say is that like,

You're not an adult. I mean, you are, but it's like... I don't feel like an adult now. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're never going to stop. That's true, that's true. I guess that's true. 24 years, an adult, whatever. But I just... I do remember not feeling like I had it figured out.

But it's crazy because I look at my 24-year-old self like I was a little kid. Like, that's the year that I lived. That was the best year of my life. 24. I was living in Baltimore. It was my last year in Baltimore before I moved here. And it was like...

I've described it before, but it's like second semester senior year where it was like I was that was like the best local comic. It was all potential. It was the first year like I had a girlfriend in college or whatever. But it was the first year that I like we had broke. We were together for a little bit. We broke up. I was sad for a year. And then that was the year where I was like, whoa, I can. And I was broke.

fat, worked at a paint store, rent was $300 a month, and I was getting pussy off of just my natural charisma. I didn't have anything. And I had overcome all my hang-ups. And I get... It's just tough because I think I should have advice for my 24-year-old self, but shit just...

somehow worked if i told 24 year old me i'd be like don't change anything you motherfucker don't move one way don't move another way it's a lot of it's gonna be horrible but just fucking somehow it worked out we didn't have to move back to baltimore um i guess but the general thing of like going to any 24 year old it's just i don't i mean you know i got something for you yeah hit me

And I've been feeling this lately because I'm finally hitting an age where like, you know, I see myself aging a bit. You don't feel that until it happens. And it's wild. So it feels quick, but it's not. It's a slow process. But when you look back, you're like, where did the time go? And that's true. Everyone says life is fair, all that stuff. It's so true. I'm in a position now where my parents are getting old. I'm in that phase where I'm like...

wow like the blink of an eye i was that and i will tell you i was told this it's common knowledge everyone says like oh you enjoy it you're young you don't know how lucky you are i would just stress how lucky you are yeah to be 24 it's like you're at the beginning it's true yeah you know and like you'll you're gonna want those days back yeah you know what i mean it's like you're in it you are in it i mean every moment should be like that like in 20 years i want to be you know but really like i i

If I could just go back, you have so much life ahead. I mean, no, you're so right. Because I think that is the advice, is that right now, it is awesome. It might not feel like it, but that's what I just said. Like, by any metric, the last year was the best year of my life. It should be, right? Right. Theater tour, I was able to do things I never imagined possible in my dream, right? Right.

But I am telling you I was happier that 20... Living with roommates, 24, broke as shit, feeling good at like what... I felt like I was leveling up at the thing I love. And so I would say is like you are in an incredible time in your life. And I would say don't worry... Yeah, enjoy it, but also don't be so precious about things. If there's one thing I would have changed for real, and we joke about don't change anything, it's that...

I was weirdly, I mean, it's funny to think of stand-up as like a job, but I was too career-focused in that

I didn't live so much life. I didn't have some experiences. I spent a lot of time in, in, uh, you know, at open mics. I, I went to, you know, Magooby, Magooby's joke house. I'm watching. I, and I'm not saying I would change too much of that because I think it's good if you're latched onto something at that age, that's the age to get really good at something. But it's also go have a couple fucking experiences. Go just be a human being and just enjoy life at that age. Um,

But it's hard to say because then I say that, but I'm like, if I did that, would I be here? You know, it's funny. I actually wish I started then. Interesting. I started later. Yeah. And I was like, man, if I could only start. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. I mean, so there's some, there's some element to it where it's like everyone wants the thing they didn't have. Yeah. Um, because sometimes I do think like, damn, my youth was like spent in shitty bars. Yeah. Uh, going to open, driving from DC to Baltimore, uh,

I guess if I had, you know, specific to me, I think it would be like work on your fucking take therapy more seriously. I'd kind of stop therapy then and work on your relationship. It would be like specific relationships I fucked up with women probably. Or just like start because I don't think any of those women were I was going to marry them. But it was like, I don't know, try and figure your shit out.

Try and figure your shit out a little bit. When something rears its ugly head, examine it instead of pushing it down. Sure, sure. You know? Because I had some... Yeah, try to get to know yourself and who you are sooner than you would have if you weren't thinking about that. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because the older we get, the more we feel we know. The more we feel we know who we are. You know, I don't think... I wasn't really thinking like that back then. But as I get older, I'm getting more and more sure of, like, who exactly I am. Sure, yeah. You know, I would also say, like...

It's barring exceptions. Like you just get more and more responsibility as you get older. That's true. And your time, even if you have a job and you work, you don't realize how much right now your time is your own. Your time is your own right now. That's so true, man. Yeah. You don't know. Again, barring the exceptions, I, you know, not everyone has a great life, but you don't, even if you think you do, you do not know how good you have it. Right. Yeah. That's true. Yeah.

Enjoy just being able to just, you know, on your days where you don't have to go into your shitty job, getting high with your boys and playing Xbox. You have time, man. It's the one thing that you can't get is time, and you have it. I don't know. Eldest, what would you say to 24-year-old Eldest Sula? I don't know. This guy's got us fucking getting philosophical around here. We're spinning our wheels.

I'm like, fuck. I don't know. I mean, Bitcoin's not a bad one. I'd probably say, sorry. That's my alarm that says, no smoking junk, only eat fruit. No smoking, no junk food, only eat fruit. That's probably what I'd tell my customers. Actually, yeah, that is so true. They'd be like, come on, man. You have no idea how much fatter you're going to get. No.

Now is the time to not be fat. That's awesome. Right around 9 o'clock. So I'm like, maybe I have a little join in the moment. And by the time I know what it's 12 o'clock. That's probably literally what I tell myself. Something like that.

That probably is it. It's get your fucking voice under control. I'd be like exercise for 20 minutes a day. You have no idea how much that'll pay off. Dude, if I think about how easy it would have been to be, oh my God, just get my shit together. How I was so close to not being fat if I just worked hard.

A little bit. If I just skipped like one meal. I mean, we talk about all the time how fucked up it was, how we weren't fatter when we were eating that much ice cream. How we just spit on those young metabolisms and took them so for granted. And then it's, we were eating two fucking pints a day. Anything you want. Anyway, this has just turned into us.

feeling our mortality. So anyway, good luck to our 24-year-old buddy. Have a good-ass time. I guess my... Okay, my real advice to you would be if you find something you love, latch onto it, but still remember to be a human being and do a couple things for your long-term health. And honestly, open up some... The same way it's like the buy Bitcoin thing is kind of a joke, but it's like invest in those... Invest in things that have compound interest. Just think about your life because you...

I remember thinking, like, who cares about my 30s? I couldn't even fathom that. You're right. It's never too early to start making really smart choices. Which is so pathetic to say. Like, this is the most washed, old guy shit to say to a 24-year-old. But it's like, open up a fucking IRA, brother. That's true, though. And fucking eat a couple more vegetables and just...

I wouldn't change... I honestly wouldn't change my 20s other than the health stuff because I was lucky. I was one of the few lucky people who did know what they wanted to do from a very young age. And I actually... I did love that. As much as I say my youth was wasted on that stuff, I would have sprinkled in a little more time for myself, but...

If you find something you really like, just keep fucking doing it because that was the best I ever felt was like just feeling like I was learning how to be a comedian. But good luck, little buddy. It's a great time in your life and just you will continue to get fatter or more unhealthy in some way and this is the best you'll probably look ever. So enjoy that too, you know. But...

Ah, fuck, dude. Life is so bullshit. Life sucks dick and we're successful. I'm not. I mean, I told you earlier, I go to three therapists.

Anyway, we love you. Have a good time out there being a 24-year-old. Have some fun and, you know, check in with your uncles, Uncle Stavi and LD every once in a while. But, Sal, thank you so much for coming on, brother. Oh, dude, I love coming. Thank you so much, man. Such a fun pod. Thank you, guys. Shout out to Greg. He had to go buying a very small coffin. Oh, my God. I can't even make the joke. I can't.

No, no, no. He made it. I made it for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for the Halloween decoration. This comes out October 2024. Anyway, watch the specials. We love you guys, and we'll see you next time. Bye-bye.