#78 - Rachel Feinstein
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have Rachel Feinstein here today. Feinstein. Feinstein. She's doing a little fingering on the engineer. She has to start on the show.

Thank you. That's awesome. That is the kind of spirit. So wait, wait. Is there ever a... How do we ever know if it's Stein or Steen as a Gentile? How can I ever be... I've known you for a long time. Well, I know... How would I find out your name?

How would one roll down on that journey? I honestly believe, in my head, that is very fair point that we have been friends for years now. I always thought it was like interchangeable. It was like a how you're feeling that day kind of thing. No, honestly, I don't care at all. I just feel like it's such a heinous name. Like, what's the difference at that point? You're not going to find it in porn. There's no Susan Weintraub's in porn for a reason. Yeah.

My name has never done me any favors. Like, if a guy was setting up with a girl and he was like, do you want to meet this girl? Her name's Rachel Feinstein. You'd be like, she sounds annoying. Point her out to me at the party. Like, let's...

The Sud jump ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not good. Yeah. It's the woman standing directly under the AC vent complaining it's too cold in here. That's who the name feels like it's going to be. Whoa. How did I get here? And why do I have the Sud nurse to tell you about my favorite ticketing app, GameTime? That's right. GameTime, folks.

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The only name I can think of less sexy than that is my great aunt's name. Everybody, stop coming for a second. Just hold your dicks. Edith Schneider. Edith Schneider. Dear God. That's tough. That is rough terrain. And I like it, too, because it's still pretty fat. I thought it was going to be a real long lot of syllables. Edith Schneider. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she has the largest underwear you've ever seen in your life. She does.

She used to hang them in the back. She lived in Queens. She would hang her underwear in the back, like on a clothing line. And she would be like, I always put it there. And there's a marvelous, he's a gay fella. It works for me. And he does it just right. He gets my panties the way I like them. And he airs them out. This guy, if he didn't like women before, you know, he just really nailed it in. Yeah.

Can you imagine just fucking hanging up some old lady panties? His job was to wash old lady panties? I think that was part of his job. Yeah. Interesting. I guess he did her like lingerie. Like he was like a housekeeper or something like that. Yeah. And he also just dried out her elephant panties.

Yeah, it's like, what's going on here? Again, stop coming at home. Are pirates about to set sail? Are they preparing? Are they washing their sail? Where's Captain Hook? Also, she had, my aunt had a, uh,

if she was the most single person I've ever met, she like, no, never even, no man even approached her in her life. Nobody even like winked at her. She was just, she was a heinous woman. God bless her soul. But she believed that you should be, she became obsessed with the fact that you should be able to open meat and like flushing wherever she lived and give it a sniff before you purchase it. Yeah.

She talked about this all the time. She was always just piping mad about this. This is the strangest thing to be angry about. That's what happens. You should be able to open meat and give it a good sniff.

I should be able to open sausages because what if they're rancid? Sorry, you were saying something. That's what happens if you don't get any dick. Eventually, it's like... Yeah, you get furious about things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's all you got. All that energy goes to shit like that, you know? Right, yeah. Wow, poor girl. She wrote so many letters to Consumer Affairs and she probably told everybody this. I wrote to Bess Myerson and I said, I should be able to open meat...

and meet pies at the store and sniff them before I purchase it. The thing is, I sort of see where she's coming from. I do too. You know, it's like in a perfect world, we would be able to get a sniff, but that's not reality. Let's figure this out. How does it work? The guy's got to come back. You don't want it. The guy's got to rewrap it. I don't understand. I know. Nobody wants like meat after my Edith Schneider's snout. Yeah.

Once she snouted it out, who's going to watch her mitts on it? No, you do not want that. That's not fair. You don't want that. And that meat pie goes to who? The birds. Yep. Makes sense. The birds would turn it down after eating it. After eating Schneider's snout rake through it. After what snout rake? You can't resell meat. But she said, that's the name of my naglaum, snout rake. Snout rape it.

She goes, I wrote to her every day and I said, this isn't right. And I was very tireless about it. And this was part of the speech she gave me about like sticking to your dream. She just basically harassed the head of consumer affairs for like 11 years. Yeah, I love it. Because she had never even touched a dick. By the way. And she was like, and then I did get the law changed where you are now abled and there's a clause. She claims, I don't know.

Who on earth? Her area of flushing that you can open. She wore this woman down so much. She wore the alderman down. There's a two-by-four block in deep Queens where you are allowed to smell chicken breast and certain other forms of poultry, but it doesn't extend to red meat. That's as far as she could go.

So she was that... Is she the only spinster aunt in the mix? Apparently there was three aunts. There was Edith. Again, everybody just keep... You know what? Forget stop beating off. Keep beating off. There was Edith, Helen, and Rosalyn. Rosalyn, nice. And apparently...

they didn't speak with Helen anymore, but Edith and then Edith and my grandma stopped speaking, Rosalyn, because of some sort of argument over like a dish at Hanukkah. It's so dumb. This was how my family is. Like just not even not, not even an argument. Like that's it. I hope that bitch gets cancer. Like it's over forever. And

And they both sounded exactly alike. And they would call me and be like, do you know who this is? And I'm like, I have no idea. Like, it could be either one of them. And they're like, she's a terrible bitch. And my grandma was like, she's an awful bitch. Do you know that she insulted my marvelous dishware? And she called it heinous. And so I do hope she dies from something particularly gangrenous. So that was it, my family. Nobody spoke to me. Wow, interesting. We were like some dumb assholes.

ass shit and that's on your mom's dad's side my dad's side my mom's it's all like wasps and everybody's just kind of like pursed and yeah their feelings are down everything's pushed down you eat over the family everyone was molested I see yeah oh interesting so your dad your mom I didn't realize your mom was a wasp my mom converted to Judaism wow she was like that's how powerful by the way the the how Jewish your father's side of the family is was just like there's no way to be around these people not also become Jewish it's

Because it's usually everyone I know is like, it goes to their mom's side. So I didn't realize that. But yeah, that makes sense. So like you have to convert. But some people believe it has to be with an Orthodox rabbi. I mean, I don't know. My mom converted. I feel like with a name Rachel Feinstein. Like I've done my time. Yeah, for sure. For sure. There was not a moment that I met you that I was like, this is not a Jewish person. Yeah.

Not in a bad way. Not in a Schneider, not in an Ethel Schneider way. Because I'm a big fan of, you know, listen, anybody who grows up on the East Coast and becomes a comedy fan, it's like half the people that you're obsessed with from the age of 10 are all Jewish. Like, I was stoked to go to a bar mitzvah. Were you? I was like, let's see what the fuck these are about. So the Greeks in general, are they fond of the Jews or no? Next question. Next question.

Or did your mom grow up and tell you that we could smell coins from over 70 miles away or something like that? Not my mom, but my grandma. Yeah.

No, but truly... I would love to know some sort of Greek fable about the Jews. I put the joke in my special, so forgive me for just repeating it. But it is true where we were reading... I think in the joke I said it was a movie, but we were reading some books. Because my grandma grew up in really northern Greece. And we were just like... My parents... My mom tried to like...

when we were younger, really keep our like culture with all types of Greek stuff going. So she would like read to us from Greek books, even when we were like 10 or 11. And like my grandma would talk about shit. Like my grandma survived World War II. Like her family was, they fled the Nazis because her dad was a communist. So it was like, she actually did flee with some Jews, like to get out of Greece. Yeah. But then as soon as she got here, she took a hard shower. Listen, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then she just, just,

scrub yourself in the wet. No, no, shoot, listen, it was more of a like, all right, I guess you guys can, listen, when we get to Bulgaria, we're both leaving, but. She wasn't a fan with two Jews. Let's not overstate it, yeah. But then she, so she's reading this book about a different like, these were these Greek people in like,

I think they were rushed out, I don't know, they're called Pontic. And we're reading this book, and it's from the perspective of this woman who's talking about how silly it was, like all the crazy things they used to believe, and she's talking about all these old folk tales. And one of the things she's talking about is how she can't believe that we used to think that on Passover, my mom would shut us in the house and...

and not let us, even though we liked our Jewish neighbors, we knew that on Passover, they have to abduct a child and drink its blood. I'm not even kidding. - That is absolutely marvelous. - In the book, the lady's like saying this, like, "I can't believe all the shit we used to think." And we're all laughing. We're like, "What the fuck?" We're like 10 to, I'm 13, my brother's 10. We're dying. We're like, "Are you fucking kidding?" The whole family is cracking up.

"They believe this shit? "My grandma's just looking confused?" - Like she's still the one that's amazing. - She's like, "What's the joke?" She's like, "Is this, did I miss something?" - They always believe that we're up to the funniest things. I mean, if you do read, like when I get bored and I shouldn't do this, but when I'm trying to avoid like work or writing, I Google "Juice control the media" because there's some of the funniest stuff you've ever read. That's what I always do when I'm like, I need to write, I shouldn't, don't start Googling "Juice control the media" again.

But it's some of the funniest things you've ever read. Like, what they think Jews are up to. And it was also used as, like, a foreshadowing technique in novels, like, Russian novels, to say that somebody was bad. Like, it was said that he had a Jew cousin in the North. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you begin to realize a character might be on the dark side. It's not like... Like, how did his roommate have a Jew cousin in the North side? You're not automatically, like...

you're not automatically arrested when you hear that about someone, but they're like, now you gotta keep your eyes peeled. That's right. If you get pulled over, you're going to jail. Yeah, yeah. It was a worn out. It was so funny, and then we're all laughing, and we're like, and it's like, we think there's some kind of language barrier, or she's missing something, and we're explaining it to her. We're like, oh, isn't this funny? They think Jews drink blood, and then she's like, well...

But she said it, but truly, I say this as a joke, but it's so true. The way she said it was like, we were being like judgmental of Jews. She's like, hey,

Everybody's got their thing. Sure. Literally, it was like that where she thought Jews literally were like blood sucking creatures. But she still is like, I have some Jewish friends. We get along. Like that was her take, which is the most insane take. If you think they're monsters, you should be anti-Semitic. But my grandma was like, no, they're monsters. But.

you know, they're cool people. Yeah. A lot of people when they do say things like that to you, anti-Semitic, they kind of like, they always do kind of say it like they're cool with it. Like, we know you're up to these things, but it's okay. There's a type of anti-Semite that has like a reverence for it. Because they figure

you're like, look, your God told you to do that. I get it. Like if my God told me to go, you know, like kill a hooker, I would. And he does. The voices in my head keep telling me to strangle the next blonde woman I see. But there is something, some racists, it's funny, they have like, it's almost like

it's almost like two athletes, like an athlete that loses to a better competitor. They have that, they have that opinion towards Jews where they're like, look, you got to hand it to them. We're trying to, our race is trying to win too, but these people, they got low numbers. They knew how to get into the banks and the media. We're over here just trying to work hard every day and listen to Jesus, but they knew get the lizard people, like make allies with them. And so it's like, it's the very funny, uh,

It's very funny. It's marvelously hilarious. Everything that's really racist and really anti-Semitic is the funniest shit you've ever read in your life. I know. It's tough. It's a rip-roaring ride. It's a fucking rollercoaster of hilarity, all of it. Yeah, but Greek people overall, I remember like, I mean, I just, it is funny when you grow up and everyone is racist and then you're like, hey, what the hell? I remember going to, I went to, in my neighborhood,

You know, it was Greek town. It was still pretty Greek and pretty ethnic and pretty shitty in the... I mean, we're talking Baltimore City in the 90s. It was a shitty elementary school. And every, like... Not every, but, like, a lot of the people there were fucking... A lot of, like, you know, people that now I don't... Like, friends of their parents were, like... Half the people were so weird and racist. And I remember, like, going to, like, public school and then being like, wait...

these black kids are way smarter than those fucking idiots at my last school. And then I was like, wait, wait a second. Are you telling me John Janopolis, the plumber who fucking lives in his father-in-law's basement, isn't exactly right about the other races? I was like, that's crazy. I was like, wait a second. He's pretty fucking stupid too. And there is like a cloud lifts where you're like,

And you're like 11, you're like, huh, I never need to fucking talk to those people ever again. They were wrong about everything. Wild morons all along. It was great because I felt like once I got there, I was like, oh, everybody's smart as shit. And honestly, realizing that made me just be like,

I'm just going to be the class clown. Everyone's smarter than me. Because in my dumb elementary school, I was the smartest one. And then you go to an act, you know, you go to like a real middle school where like the kids, you know, half the lesson isn't to... I remember that guy who I used a fake name, Barely. His big lessons were like, stay away from gamblers, homosexuals, and Jews. Yeah.

And those were like his three big, and listen, it's not like black people were high on his list either. That was almost like, that went without saying, you know what I mean? But gamblers, homos, and Jews, they can hide amongst us. That was his like big takeaway. God damn homo. I had a guy pick me up at the airport once and this guy was like, he said, where are you from? And I said, New York City. He goes, I drove a tractor through that town once. Why? Why would he do that?

There's no sense. There's a real, like, supply and demand issue with that part of the story. And then he's like, it was crawling with Jews. They was all out celebrating their holiday. Rosh Hashanah. And then he went...

He said it like it was the most terrifying campfire story that had ever been told. And then he went on to talk about, he was like, I heard there's as many homos there as can congregate in the town squares, let's them. And I always think about that sentence because it absolutely doesn't make sense. You could read it every which way and I can't even begin to think what he thought was going on in the town square. There's as many homos there...

can congregate as the town square lets them. It's a terrific sentence. That is awesome. That is awesome. And we live together now. And where is town square? Times Square? Is that what he means? Because you could fit a lot of homosexuals. Maybe Honeyman must have meant Times Square. Yeah, you could. Are you kidding? I mean, look at, some might argue that's how, maybe that's how gay people, that's why they started the New Year's Eve thing. Because you're like, let's get some numbers on how many people can fit. And that's how, that's the amount of gay people allowed in New York. Yeah, we'll just pile up all the gays. Yeah, yeah.

We'll take a census and then we'll know that's the amount that we get to fucking suck each other in the park. I dated this guy, this Russian guy once and his one time, his parents were very racist. And one time I, I came home and his mom was weeping. I went over there, I was weeping in the kitchen. He said, my mom's really upset. I said, why? And he's like, ah, it's just somebody, my cousin's dating that she didn't prove of. And I went in there and she's like, she's a good girl, Rachel. This man is not even dark. It's like bullshitting.

Oh my God. Like she was weeping about this. Can you imagine? Like in mourning. What a wild moron. Like she would have been more understanding if her daughter had committed vehicular manslaughter. Yes. Like she would have supported her way more if she'd killed someone in a car. She was crying over a sink like she just had a miscarriage. It was that kind of like moaning, you know? Just because this guy, her fucking niece was dating like a black doctor. Yeah.

It's fantastically funny. Yeah, it's tough because everything that's stupid, you just want to laugh and then you're like...

- Ah, it does seem like they're picking up a little steam right now. - Yeah, no, I know. - People don't really believe that kind of shit. - My mom is warning me about like so many things. She's always like, "Don't talk about that on stage right now." You know? I did something with the cross, this thing, 'cause I was, it's like a bit I did in my special about how like, I don't know how to do the cross. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And my mom was like, "Do not do the tongue cross when you're in Alabama." I don't know how many Jews there are per capita there. She said per capita. - Yeah.

By the way, you got to hand it to a white woman, a wasp, that then converts to Judaism so that she can complain about being a minority. That is honestly some high white woman Olympics right there. And her name's Karen. Karen finds she's...

She's so angry about it. She still yells at me about it. She's like, you knew. You knew about the damn Karen thing. God damn it. She's so angry about that. She had a father that was like, if you had an opinion at the dinner table, you were called a commie rat or something. So she went way the other way. She majored in African history with a minor in black studies. She just...

And my mom's almost racist the other way. Like, where, like, my mother-in-law is Colombian, and you could just see every time my mom's talking to my mother-in-law, she's just like, I'm talking to a Colombian woman! Like, she just loves it so much. The smile on a white woman's face when she's, like, talking to a minority and...

You're like, they're like trying to keep at bay something accidentally racist. Yeah. But it's always lurking. It's just always around the dark corners. Yeah. Something like playing, why don't you play some of that? Your music is so beautiful. It's like, it's almost tribal. It's primal. Like, like the kind of music that shit, nevermind. Yeah.

It does get close. I know, I know. My mom loves to remind me that whenever I say I'm on my way to the comedy cellar and she calls, she'll be like, you know, did I tell you that there's a marvelous gay couple that lives in the West Village, Greenwich Village, and they used to go to our congregation. His name is Art and his partner, and they're just very fun and kind of...

Funky grunge. I'm like, there's nothing to the story except that you know two gay people in New York. No other, you have to have other facets, you have to be present to have a story. It's not a story. It's not a story. A lot of our stories are like that. I'm like, there's not even the most basic ingredients for a story here. All there is is just you know of a gay, you like to think about knowing a gay. Also, nobody's

says partner anymore. That's what you said like before when it was still like a little more like shunned more. Partners now is like two white bisexuals that are a man and a woman call each other partners. You know what I mean? Like it's not gay people don't even say it anymore. They don't say it anymore. He's like fucking boyfriends. Yeah. Partner's ancient. Also partner always immediately makes me imagine them sexually. There's something about partner that I'm just all of a sudden I'm imagining like my head is like a flip book of just like insane sexual fast positions. He fucks my ass.

yeah partner means this guy fucks my ass interesting I think that's where guys brains work every day it's just like every time they see a girl they just like there's quick like flipbook oh yeah she's being punished and just um for a second ferociously slam rotted it it doesn't get that I don't speaking from experience it's not that crazy but it is like uh you just you can't help it your brain doesn't audit of would you fuck this person or not and it's like

Ding. Yes. Woodfuck. And then keep moving. You know, you keep it moving. So you just clock to yourself like whether you'd like to be inside them or not. Yeah. Pretty much. Fascinating to me. And by the way, it doesn't get graphic unless it's someone right on the line.

You know, like if someone's obviously hot, you're like, yeah, of course. And you don't imagine fucking them. And if somebody's ugly, you're like, well, no, of course not. But if someone's like, you can't tell, then you get real graphic and you're like, hmm. That's fascinating. So like if they're on the cusp of being hot, that's when you're flipping them around and just like really punishing them. Bouncing them like a basketball. Why is that? Is this true to you too? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. It's like, what's going on under that boxy sweater kind of thing? Sort of need some info to take you over the fence one way or the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do scenarios. You know what I mean? I wonder if it's because if a girl's kind of on the fence hot, it's like she's trying to be. So she's tricking you. She's a naughty little whore up to her old tricks who deserves to be punished.

That's true. Slam-rotted proper. If she's doing any trying, I think it's an automatic yes in these scenarios. Okay. Because you're not actually going to fuck them. Sure. This is really just... And this isn't even like... This isn't even like front of brain. It's like... It's like you don't even control it. Yeah. No, I know. I think that's... I've seen women before that are...

Like, extremely hot where I could see for a second... Like, if I talk to a really hot woman, I think about what it would be like to be a guy talking to her. I'm not attracted to women, but I could see how it must be very distracting where, like...

I feel like when guys try to get... And then when they say real dumb things, I feel like when men try to get laid, it must feel like a video game where shit gets in the way, but you're just sort of tunneling towards ass. You're like, oh, that goblin thing's here. And then you're just like, oh, she said this dumb shit. But you just keep it sort of disassociating and just trying to like...

Get through it. Keep pushing. Yeah, annoying things keep coming. Like, oh, this drawbridge. And I'm going to have to fucking give this gold coins to this whole thing. But then in the end, I'll be like just knee deep in some fresh puss or whatever. Well, I wouldn't even think it's that accomplished. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with you that there is something to that. But I think it's more like...

It's kind of like, remember if you ever saw Lord of the Rings where they kind of go through Schmeagle's backstory and he starts as a regular man and then he becomes the precious.

That was too good. You know what I mean? Where it's like, like, you start, the first minute you're talking to an incredibly hot woman, you're just a regular human being, you know? And then there's the glimmer of the, like, ring of, like, which is maybe she will fuck you. Yeah. And if you get that glimmer, then it's like, you're slowly turning into this monster. Slithering into your fucking roast tricks. Yeah. Seeing less and less humanity and just being like, can I get pussy? Fuck.

You just have to like... Yeah, it must be really distracting. Like one of Pete's firefighter buddies was over the other day and I asked him if he went to this... We were talking about this gym and he said... He goes, oh, I don't go there because there's too many girls. I can't while I work out. You know, it's too distracting. I thought it was so funny. Just so dumb that he wasn't able to finish his workout. I mean, that's next level. I'm being facetious. But for a guy to be like, it's a great gym. It's a good deal. It's got all the equipment I need, but...

I just can't focus when there's pussy around. Like he's a baby. And he said it like it was the most like polite statement. He's like, oh, I'm not able to, you know, go to that gym because unfortunately there's humans I want to be inside of there. Which is the same thinking that leads to full body hijabs, just to be clear. That is like, that is like,

It's not the dog's fault if the meat bowl is uncovered and it gets into it. No, it's our naughty little idea to be a fucking devious slut and fucking parade our tits around and taunt people with them.

Speaking of which, one of my neighbors, he always looks at me like, they're like, any super religious people always just look at me like I'm just such a disgusting, disgusting uppity slut. Is there something in the way you perceive them potentially? Obviously. If you examine anything I've said in the last 20 minutes, the problem is me. Every religious person looks at you like you're an uppity slut. No, maybe uppity is the right word. That's fair. But slut is, to be clear. I encourage you to deconstruct it.

You're like, up, but he's not. But he was the one you had a problem with your, your neighbor who knows you're a married mother. It looks at you as an up and he's like, they're very religious. And one time, and the guy never speaks to me, doesn't say anything. And then, so one time I got out of this Uber and he's always just glares at me, like all my goings on, like all my traveling. He's probably just like, what a fucking devious little slut taking trips like this.

And so he's always kind of disgusted and glaring. And then one time I was like coming back from Dubai and, um, and he never spoke to me. Like oftentimes I'm like, Hey, and he just, he's old enough. And like, like some sort of foreign blend enough that he feels that he can't, he doesn't really need to say things. Like when people say things to him, he's like, I'll be like, hi. What kind of religion we're talking? Christian, Muslim? Um, I'm not really sure what, but he wears like, I think maybe like Orthodox Jew, maybe. I'm not sure. Okay. But he's disgusted with me. Um, and, uh,

And one day I came out of the car and he's just like, and he goes, where were you? And I was like, he asked me a question. I said, oh, I was in Dubai. I just got back from Dubai. And he goes, your husband, he comes? And I was like, no. And he goes, like, he just.

And he was asking the question to be like, let me see what this godless whore is doing now. Like, what is she up to? Where does it end with this bit? He wasn't asking out of like fun love and curiosity. He was like, where? Where? And I was like, in Dubai. And he's like, your husband, he comes. And I'm like, no. And he tried to kind of erase me like I was a shock boy. He's like, ah. That makes, you know what? I think you're right. I apologize. You're absolutely right. He does look at you as an uppity slut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, who gives me the goddamn right to take a trip without my fucking husband? Well, if he's an Orthodox... And where will it end? I need to be fucking harnessed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Orthodox Jew... Dubai also, I feel like, is famous for being, like, the place, like, a rich person will fly someone out to, like, you know...

Fuck that or sex traffic them or something like that. Also, it's rich Arabs. If he's an Orthodox Jew. People call it Las Vegas if Las Vegas believes in God, you know, because there's a lot of like prostitution and like extreme religion. But all extreme religions like Orthodox Jews or Muslims, every religion, Christians too, like they're, you know, when you get the cult and shit. Yeah, they just want to cover us up. The super extreme sects.

Yeah, it's all just about covering us up and they don't like to take trips. No, trips are not allowed. You can't go without a chaperone. What if a slut goes on a journey alone? She only goes out to search for dick, for gaggles of dick. Right, right, right. Yeah, they just, I think in his mind, I was just in Dubai just lapping up. Yeah, salt and cum. Yeah, salt and cum. Like it was fucking. You're at the salt and cum pool on all fours. Like a cat drinking milk, drinking heavy cream.

We had a really religious man come to fix something in our apartment once, and the

the guy wouldn't speak to me because I was a woman and he was at the firehouse. And I'm like, you're going to have to look at me. That's insanity. Yeah. His job, he was like a. Yeah, he was there to fix the stove, but he couldn't discuss anything with me because I was a fucking slut temptress. Imagine being so, so sexist that you're like, that must've been a real conundrum to him. Cause he's like, well, I'm fixing the stove, which is the thing she uses, but I can't talk to her.

It's also kind of cocky too because it's like, oh, where do you think this is going to end? Like she'll obviously be blowing me and I'm not allowed to do that. I was like pregnant.

She's a pregnant lady who needs her stove fixed. But it was still like, once I talk to her, yeah, she'll be in her hands and knees, clearly. I'm like this deeply heinous man, too. It was just like a smear. And he thinks, of course, that I'm just dying for him to be inside me. So he can't even go down that lane. Once he finds out what's wrong with the oven, then that's it. You'd think if you were pregnant to a guy like that, that means you're all right. Nine months, they're off. She's already been stuffed up.

They're off limits. For nine months, they're a cow that's growing a man's child. Yeah. And after that, she'll be back to a slut temptress. I do feel like, I'm sure that they probably treat it like the same. I have no information about anything. Yeah, which I love. Keep going. Probably the same as like a woman on her period. Like I probably, you probably probably women also have to sleep in some little dog bed in the corner or something.

Some sort of dog cushion. Yeah, what is that? Not to get, not to sneak back into anti-Semitism, but what is the thing where it's like you're like, there's like a bath women have to take for Orthodox Jews? I can't remember. They have to sit outside when they're on their period or something? Like there is that. I think you have to write letters to different people in Congress and ask them to.

That's what it lies about, your body. Well, yeah, until you lose your period and then you're free. That's like, you either have to get dicked down or annoy every customer service person. Basically, everything that like fireman things happen when you take the vaccine to your body. Yeah.

Oh, God. Speaking of which, oh, so, and guys having this, I talked about this on stage, but it just has so much to do with what we're talking about. So, firefighters are fixing everything in my house because my husband bought it with Bitcoin and they fucking, I'm like, God forbid we get an actual plumber. You know, some guy named Anthony. Yeah.

is fixing the toilet. I'm like, he's a lieutenant. He's not a plumber. We have like, our lights are flickering right now. I thought we had a ghost. It was just because, no, like some guy named Gino is doing our electricity. He's not at all an electrician.

And so these guys will come by all day to do stuff in my house because they go outside. It's like the mafia with the fire department. Of course. You don't go outside. You keep it inside. Inside the family. No degree to approach any of the things they're doing in our home. So one day I opened the door and this guy is standing outside and he's like, Pete left and there's something wrong with the toilet. And he's like, he goes, I don't enter the home unless the husband is present at the time of the entrance. Have you heard that?

Don't ever say it in your life. I mean, just tremendous. Not even being religious, trying to say, like, look, there's some rules. You know, I can't be compromised. Yeah, they call him Cap because Captain, he's like, is Cap home? And I'm like, no, he blew up the bathroom and left. He's like, I'm sorry, ma'am. He fucking ma'ams me, too. Oh, that's brutal. Also, ma'am is like the least sexual word. Like, don't say that and then at the same time act like I'd be blowing you if you walked two steps forward. That's a good point.

Yeah. Ma'am, there is no, because, like, there's other, like, formal titles that have a sexual, like, flip to them. Like, obviously, Mommy, Daddy, the classics. Sure, Poppy, yes. You know, all those. But there is Sir, even Sir, like, there is. Yes, that was kind of exciting. You know, that can, but, like, there's no, like, oh, yes, ma'am, fuck my ass, ma'am. Ma'am. There's no peg me, ma'am. I don't know.

That'll ruin my day to get manned. Oh, I hate it, man. Maybe, and that's why there's no, yeah, that's the worst one to be called. It's terrible. I hate being manned. It just makes me feel like I'm in the winter of my life. I feel like osteoporosis old, just like a curled elder when some guy calls me man. Would you prefer madam? Madam is absolutely retarded. Yeah.

madam I'm sorry madam I cannot I can see that guy throwing it in there madam because he's trying to be too formal madam unfortunately due to the circumstances at the present moment I will not be able to enter the domicile without without present without male supervision present at this particular moment of time in the day of October 2024 excuse me if I do step inside your home of residence

I would naturally then be inside of you and that would present some conflicts which the Lord would disagree with and also on account of rank I can't fuck the captain's wife. Due to issues of rank but not of your natural beauty madam.

Mademoiselle. Now, madam is kind of working for me. The more I think about it, I'm into madam. Madam or maybe maiden. Maiden? Yes, maiden I'm into. But maiden, because maiden means you're, you know, you're unmarried. A maiden is a, Oh, I forgot what that meant. It's youth still. I totally forgot what maiden meant. I,

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, it was definitely one of the dumbest things I've ever heard said to me. I immediately laughed in his face. That's crazy. And he said it like it was the obvious thing. He was like, I'm sorry, ma'am, I do not enter a home unless the husband is present at the time of the entrance. At the time of the entrance. So he has to be there to see you enter, but then he can leave? After he leaves...

I mean, he's one of the kind of guys where like, hopefully he doesn't see this, but it's like, he's so dumb. If you like opened up his head, there'd be nothing inside. Like a potato and a cross or something. I don't even think their thoughts form when you're that level of dumb. - Of course, of course. - And again, if you see this, thank you, peace servant. - Thank you. - But yeah, like it's not even like a thought forming. It's just like, you know, like I just feel like if you open his head, there'd be like a Jets towel inside.

Just a rally towel and no other ingredients in his brain. But he's like, he was like, you know, I don't, I'm like, get the fuck, I'll tell you what, first assault's on me. I'll leave. Fix our toilet, you wild emergency moron. By the way, I'm very attracted to all of them, but you know, somehow the dumber, with some guys, it's like the dumber they are, you know. Well, see, now you're kind of making his point. I am. You know? You're right. He's so stupid. I would have like blown him, but.

him but yeah yeah I mean yeah I would have jerked him off I wouldn't have touched him I've never had sex outside a relationship or cheated on anybody but in my life I'm like the most prude like I have to want to cuddle you know but there was a guy that I cuddled with and like

seventh grade and I remember I cuddled with him the whole night and I just thought like oh well he loves me now that we did cuddling together. I remember leaving and like hearing him talk about me. We'd hooked up in this abandoned not even hooked up just like cuddled and French kissed. I thought it gave a real rip roaring ride of a night. This guy was

Boring. Oh, my God. Yeah, you thought you had a romantic evening. This guy was just pissed off with a hard dick for eight hours. Didn't get a wink of sleep hoping that was the moment you decided to blow him. There was no way he had a good time. No, I thought he was slowly falling in love with me.

And I left and came back. This is one of the moments, in case you're wondering what went wrong in my life, that I do everything I do. This was critical. I came back and I listened at the door. And my friend and I both, we made out with these two guys.

And she, this abandoned house, and she hooked up with hers. And I just fucking fridged this guy. I thought I was gifting him with a fridge kiss. Oh, my God. I can imagine their conversation without just how pissed he was. Like, yes, I just did nothing happen. And the other guy's making fun of him. Like, you're a fucking pussy, dude. And I go back and I listen. I was like, I want to hear about all the things he says about me because he's falling in love with me. And I want to hear all the things. He was just like, bitch was on the rag. That's what he would say.

My dumb earwigs. You're like, yeah, you're expecting some just like eloquent description of your beauty. That changed the course of my life at that moment. I was like, what'll it be? Like, I have a golden pussy that's worth waiting for. What'll he say about it? And even the chance of him entering me will just be so enchanting to him. He's like, fucking bitch was on the rag. Oof.

Devastating. That's crazy to hear. How old were you, Sid? You were like... I was like 15, maybe. Yeah, 14 or 15. Yeah, that's pretty devastating. Oh, it's rough. At that age. Destroyed me. God. He was so white, too. Just like that blonde, white... He probably went to rape tech or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, that's hilarious. He just was very...

The first few even near sexual experiences I had since you asked. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that we could just let you go. We started with your weird aunt. This is actually, let's just transcribe this. This is Rachel's one-woman show. I do need to be put down like a dog. No one's asked you these things. Just shut up.

No, please. I really act like I'm answering things. I'm like, Tammy from Des Moines wants to know how strong women start out sexually. Nobody asked, bitch. I don't even know what I was going to say, honestly. Please tell us. I think I was just going to say that basically when I first started hooking up with guys, I just...

I was always bringing these weird, like, plays or these people that I thought they would want me to be. Like, these feminine, you know, like, and just, like, doing this thing that I thought was really working on him. And one of the things that I, like, saw in this soap opera. Soap operas. They were so exciting. That's what a 22-year-old man is into. Is over-the-top shitty acting. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I really, I'm so sorry to all the men I've blue-balled with my horse shit. This next one's for you. When you buy each and every one of you a hooker. I mean, yeah, I thought it was, like, cool to, like, weep because I saw, like, some character. Meanwhile, nothing makes a guy more furious than an inner bed cry. He doesn't even know you yet. Yeah. Hard dink with a woman you don't know crying over something you had nothing to do with. I'd be like...

like pretend that I was like sad 'cause I thought he'd wanna comfort me. Like I really didn't know what I was doing. I was taking so many swings at what I thought men wanted from me. - That's so crazy. - So dark. - Yeah, that's very interesting. - Your first hookups, did you like have like a persona that you would try with women at all? - No, 'cause it was like, I didn't, I hooked up a couple, like I made out and like, you know, got my little dick touched a couple times in high school, but that was literally twice. And then there was a long drought

And I hooked, the first time I had sex was with a college girlfriend that I was dating towards the end of college. So it was more like we were, this, my crew, because we grew up together, we were virgins so long. It was more of like, well, if we don't have sex soon, we should probably kill ourselves. There was no like, there was no persona. There was nothing. There was just like...

Please, please God, let this happen. Or I'm going to fucking explode. So there was like... I weirdly think... So at first it was just like, I just...

truly and you know whatever I really did I had a good as far as like 20 year old relationships go it's like I really liked her we just she wanted to like have a family and I knew that I was going to be into stand-up but at the time of our relationship we really liked each other so it kind of felt it was nice honestly because we I loved her it was not you know at least what you think love is when you're 20 you know so it was that was nice but then I do feel like there was later on

there was like almost a persona of like, especially when you moved to New York and every girl just wants to fuck immediately, which is awesome. But they're also like, at least this is at the time that, you know, it was like, everyone wants to get wildly choked and everybody wants like,

Really? So when you came to New York, all the women wanted you to be a joke. It was crazy. And especially if you're hooking up with a fat guy, I think there is some daddy shit going on, so they wanted you to be way more dominant. And I do think there was a persona of me being like, yeah, I'm fucking, I'm tough. Right, right. Because I just accidentally did it a couple times. Or I dated somebody that just legitimately made me mad, and I think she knew what she was doing because she wanted to provoke...

Like, yeah, yeah. Like, like, like there was like, and it did work. And then I was like, huh, interesting. And now, so I think there was a period of pretending I was like, you know, some like tougher sexually than I was when it's like to this day, I'm just like,

Even like a girl will be like, what are you into? I'm like, I don't know. Fuck getting pussy. Swatching tits bobble. That's what I'm into. Like, I'm not a very complicated guy. I don't have a lot of calm. I'm not. I'm easy to figure out. But yeah, there was. Poured water all over my face.

It's so funny watching tits bobble. It's hysterical. That's a great thing to put on your bumble profile. What am I into? Hiking and watching tits bobble. Honestly, yeah. In every situation. Clothes, done clothes, on a hike. Choking just seems a lot of foolishness. Why would you do that? Why?

It's not need to be involved. Everybody, you would not have thrived in 20, when did we move here? 10 years ago? 2015, 2015. 2015. Rachel, young Rachel doing like plays, doing like a distressed damsel. I was doing plays. Like you would not have done well in 2015 New York. They would have kicked me right out of the bed and they would have been right. Yeah.

I would have been absolutely right. Get the fuck out. Just started swiping. Yeah. Just like immediately like, oh, this girl's going to suck me off. Get the fuck out. Go take three trains back to your home. I don't give a fuck. I really was a real hole in the team with all my nonsense.

I was always just like overthinking it, like trying to get to the bottom of what's precarious thing. Yeah. There was nothing to get to the bottom of. You were a hot girl that showed interest in them. That was all. That was really it. But, you know. I mean, do you guys know that lady millionaire matchmaker? She's just like this sort of like leathery woman that tells you what men want or whatever. I've seen a couple of her. I used to watch her just waiting just every last tip. And the things that she said men want were hilarious. Oh, yeah.

And also like, I remember her being interviewed on a show once and her husband was just wildly gay. He was in the audience and I was just like, there is no way this man's worst nightmare is to be inside a woman. Yeah. And the thing she said men want were so funny. She's like, guys, like they always say it like it's real simple. Like guys,

Bring a cake, give a nice date, bring something from home. That's when you're in your feminine energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring a little cake from home on the second date. Like, just like so weird on the second date if a girl brings you a cake. Like, I would think they would, you're going to make a suit out of their skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so weird. It's very strange. Yeah, I wonder how... A second date cake, we all like cake, but it's not... Second date cake's a little much. Strange. Yeah, it's unstable. Yeah, it's not.

You'd be baking after one date. Cake is fourth date at the absolute fastest. And that's if the first three were like the best dates of your life. Exactly. You can bring a cake in the mix the fourth date. Now, but if you made it seem like, now look, if a girl was like, I was just walking by a cupcake shop.

I wouldn't see now. The problem is I'm fat. I know. I'm like, damn, my cake. The problem is me and Elsa are both fat. And if a girl did bring a cake, now that I'm thinking about it, if a girl brought a cake the first time I met her,

But it would be like, I would be like, oh, nice. Because it would also, and again, going back to how simple my brain is, it'd be like, this girl's trying to, she's already getting me shit. She's going to let me fuck immediately. There would be that aspect too of like, if the first time I met a girl, she came through with a cake and she was like, if her thinking was this fat guy wants desserts, I'm trying to butter him up. And that is what, I mean, truly what works at the beginning, what works so much for me is just like,

How tough is she going to make the line from my, like where my dick stands right now to inside of her? Is she going to be a lot of waves in it? Yeah. And I will say like the best relationships I've had have started with some pretty quick, like it hasn't, there hasn't been a lot of. You get laid right away. You get laid right away. Is it off the table? See, that's what everybody does now. They get out of the way. Exactly. It's like, you'd think it's going to be an issue or like, oh, if you give it up, but it's like,

Women who have made me wait, it actually... For me, anyway, I'm not talking about everybody. If we've waited a couple times... And again, on everybody's schedule, that's fine. But if we wait and I realize I don't like you before we fuck, I'm like, well, I'm...

I'm getting this fucking... Like, I've at least gotten pussy enough in my life where I'm like, well, we've been on a couple dates and I'm actually looking at your personality and your personality's... I wouldn't leave without your personality for some people, right? But if you give me pussy immediately, it takes a month for me to realize you're annoying. You know what I mean? That's so funny.

That's really funny. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So I've definitely, which I guess is maybe what they wanted. They want to realize like, hey, if this guy's not into me as a person, then I'm not going to give him any pussy. You're just describing what dating actually is and like should be in a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's like, wait, I don't like this person. Yeah. But I will say this. The people I've thought of the most are.

are the people that just are the best at fucking or like at least we've had some kind of chemistry and that will also rewire how I feel about them but you're probably right ultimately

Ultimately, that might just cost me a year of my life. If someone's good at giving... If someone has good pussy and I don't like them, it'll just take longer for me to realize I don't like them. Yeah, that's confusing. And I think a lot of times, like, you know, like, you can... There's two separate things going on. Yeah, that kind of chemistry. And then... But, you know, I mean, for me, I can be really attracted to a guy. But if he has, like, a lot of stories that I have to listen to...

I don't care if you're fucking jacked. - That's why you married a firefighter. This guy's just talking to you about how Joe Biden's tracking everything we're doing.

You can do with conspiracy theories, but boring stories, you're like, ah, I'm good. I don't care for a story. I can't. I mean, we're comics, too, so I don't need some guy who's telling me about some crazy thing that happened on his vacation. That must be difficult for women, because I feel like, women comics specifically, because I feel like guys think what you want is someone to entertain them. Yes. Like, they think, oh, she's funny. Time to show her how funny I am.

Whereas like no girl dates, girls date comics because they like someone who's funny. Whereas guys date girl comics because they're like, well, I'm fucking funny. I'll show her. Yeah, they do. I feel like that must happen a lot, which is so annoying. It's so easy. It's so much easier to be a man. It's hilarious. It's so much easier. I also think there's no guy that's like trying to find a funny woman. Like that's not high on any man's list. I don't feel like. I feel like the fact that I'm a comedian has always been just like a liability for sure.

I think you're probably right. Unfortunately, I think there's... And especially...

if people are insecure about that. Because if you're funnier, a lot of people just... Funny is something people just think they are. Men, particularly, think they are. I mean, women, too. Girls come up to me after shows and they're like, I'm the crazy one. I'm like, yo. I'm like, no, you're just pretty and guys want to be inside you so they tolerate your horseshit stories. They're like, Jenny, oh my God. Can I get some hand? Like, it's that. They've gotten that their whole lives. Like, I'm actually funny. But I guess, yeah. Yeah.

You're right. But I think that guys use it more as like an oiling device to get laid. Yeah, a lubrication device. Yeah, they use it as lube. But however, like I love it when guys are funny. I just don't like, I feel like there's this, this like, I don't know, like this sort of like instinct and probably for you too, just people that, for people to think they have to put on performance when they're out with a comic and then.

And then just... If that... But see, the thing... If I catch a... You're right. Because if I catch one whiff of that, I'm like, all right. Forget it. This is not happening. Yeah. Yeah. And that's another... That's another mark of, like, of maturity where I have... Like, literally recently, I've just been like, huh...

If I just don't like someone, I don't have to pretend to have a different personality until she fucks me. Now I can just go about my life. If I'm annoyed, I'm like, even if she will fuck me, I'm like, you know what? I'm good. Yeah. Because that is so frustrating. Like, the performance and the weird... It's so uncomfortable. Bringing up comedy stuff, it's like...

I want you to hate, if possible, I would love to marry a woman who hates comedy. Yes. You know, doesn't want to hear about it. Doesn't have any opinions on podcasts. I don't, I don't need, don't bring up anyone to me. I want to talk about the business or about other comedians. I would love a woman who hates what they think is funny. Like that. It's like they list you what they think is funny so that you can like tell them they're correct or not. Correct. No, I don't want, I want to get as far away from that subject.

Shut the fuck up. As possible. Like, just like it, but don't, like, want to talk about it. My husband will, like, not, first of all, he likes comedy, but never wants to watch anything I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Maniscalco guy. He likes Maniscalco. I came home one day and he was just, like, playing, um, funny, but it was, like, Key and Peele sketches from, like, 10 years ago. Oh, yeah. Just hilariously laughing. Honestly, I've been watching those a lot. Yeah.

That was the problem is they were really funny, but it hurt because I'll be like, oh, should we, you know, he's never wanted to watch anything I've done. Which is so funny. We should say you have a special on Netflix probably now, Eldest, May 24th. When is this coming out? May 21st is my first hour special on Netflix. May 21st, it's called Big Guy on Netflix. I think when this comes out, it is May 21st or it will be very soon. So it's either out or it's coming out.

Quickly, Eldis, we talked about this yesterday. What? It's out. It's out. It's out now. It's out now. Because it's May 27th, of course. It's May 27th, as we all know. Somebody is going to get a serious thrashing for this. I love we talked about this. I was like, oh, you probably say that in bed, too. We talked about this before. Yeah. I'm going to have to re-spank you now.

That's Eldest's punishment for bad producing as I spank him. Whoa, I'm back. And I want to tell you about GameTime even more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The GameTime ticketing app is my favorite ticketing app out there, folks. All right? Even if they weren't giving me money to tell you that, it would be the truth. Here's why. Last-minute flash deals. I respect that, and I respect the fact that it's all in pricing. I hate getting my ass bungled.

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They know that we kind of got them by the balls if we wait a little. I'm a deal hunter. I'm a bargain hunter. I like playing Russian roulette with the event or the venue, whatever, and being like, look,

I only kind of want to go to this fucking thing. I'm only going if it's a deal. And that's what it is. GameTime is the ticketing app for deal hunters. And look, if you just want to see something, you're set on it. They're there for you, too. I'm strolling on it right now. They got incredible stuff coming to Baltimore this summer. I just realized Hans Zimmer's going to be here. I might see the motherfucker playing his beautiful scores at the CFG Bank Arena.

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Buy their tickets off Game Time and maybe I'll pop on the stage too. Cool. Go watch Big Guy on Netflix. It's out right now. And why don't we start taking some questions? What do you say? Let's go to a caller. What do we got here?

Uh-oh, heads are gonna roll. Oh, my God.

What the fuck? She trusted me enough to tell me, but then ever since finding that out a few years ago, I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my dad. You don't feel that way. Maybe not my place to tell him. I just

Yeah, she has like a fucking side piece. Holy fuck.

life partners, business partners, but they don't really have a romance going on. And I want them both to be happy and I don't want to, I don't want them to have to like uproot their lives. Their happiness is not your responsibility. Thank you. It's frustrating that

that their relationship is basically a lie. That this really important lie is just, like, I want the truth to come out without, like, ruining their marriage. So if you have any advice, that would be awesome. I have no idea what to do. I'd like to lose 100 pounds without dieting or exercising. But guess what? That's not fucking possible. First of all, let me just say, your mom wins dumbest bitch of the year award. What a fucking... That's ridiculous. That's...

so shitty of her. First of all, like horrific. It's a wild asshole. Like, and I'm not even talking about getting dick on the side. I'm talking about telling the daughter. Yeah. Maybe they have a separate thing or whatever. Like maybe they're like basic. I mean, people, I like cheating is one thing that is like, or whatever they have this bad relationship. You're still fucked up. Don't get me wrong. But to tell, to tell you,

And then to force you to just kind of keep the secret is incredibly selfish of her. She basically is like, she's like, I could imagine her being like, oh, it feels so good to get it off my chest. And then it's like, yeah, because you've burdened your fucking daughter with it. To your own daughter. That's so shitty. What a ludicrous asshole your mom is. That's so shitty. And you need to just follow a lot of those accounts that are like, tell you what to do with an RSS. Because just go on Instagram. Here's my advice. Yeah.

Follow everything that's like this. Because you are going to have so many problems because you think, A, you're responsible for your parents to be happy. First of all, their marriage already is a wrap anyway. Yeah. But you have nothing to do with their happiness. And yeah, you just need to listen to everything Patty Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker says about women on TV.

Well, yeah, I mean, so look, literally none of this is your fault. This is how a girl starts baking cakes for guys. She thinks she's responsible for everybody's well-being. Start baking. Here's what you're going to need to do, baby girl. Find yourself a nice husband to get you out of this situation, okay? No, but truly, this guilt and this... Like, your mom's truly a piece of shit. And I don't... I mean, honestly, if I were you... I mean, you want the truth to come out. I think what you need to say is like...

Here's the best case scenario, right? Sometimes it's too hard to do this shit, whatever. I think you should tell your mom, like, look, it's really unfair that you... I get that you trust me, and on some level I appreciate that, but it's incredibly unfair that you've saddled me with this. The guilt of this is really difficult for me, and I need the truth to come out, or I at the very least need you to start...

The process. The process of divorce, of like, I know your lives are tangled, but this is eating me alive. And it's like, what's more important to you, your business or, you know, or your fucking daughter's well-being, basically, right? And, you know, now I don't know if she'll... That was a really good monologue. Yeah, you should take some extensive notes. Saddled was also a great word choice. Yeah, but it's like, and I don't know if this person will then like...

The kind of person that confides this to their daughter... She's probably a complete unhinged narcissist. Exactly, exactly. Everything's about her. She's always a victim. She'll flip it around. Right, that's a possibility. And if that's the case, then... And, you know, you've always been close with your mom, whatever. Honestly, if I were you, your mom has put you in the kind of position where...

You just need to get the fuck away from your family, to be honest with you. Yeah, take a break from them. Because if this guilt is eating at you and you're like, I just want them both to be happy, which is obviously what people want, you know, like when parents divorce, like that's what, that's the mature thing to want for your parents. But like, she's put you in a position where

You don't want to... You also don't... It shouldn't be on you to break it to your dad or to like... No, it's so inappropriate and insane. It's crazy. It's crazy. And it's just so... And it's like...

Yeah, you have to detach as much as you can from your family and you're not responsible for their happiness or anyone's or for their choices. She should never have told you that. She should have had better boundaries. Go to a hostile amount of therapy. Yeah, for sure. And detach from your family and just try to reprogram yourself. You have no responsibility in any of this. She owes you an apology. That's really it. She owes you an apology and to make this right, she has to fuck it. The only way she can make this right is to just...

actually like you know start to separate the family start to do things in a healthy way because it's when someone tries to make you an accomplice to their lie that is so fucked up that's what that's one of the things that i like i found the hardest in my family was like we were there's a lot of pretending there's a lot of just like there's a lot of pretending for other people there was a lot of like give me an example uh you know

We'd go to Greece and my dad would make it seem like we were doing a lot better than we were to our relatives over there. Because he couldn't just admit that. That he was struggling. Right. Or even like, you know, we've gotten to, I've talked about this story before, but like we got into a fight with another kid one time. You remember I just fucked this kid up. And my dad, who always would talk about like how important family is like,

to show the rest of the community that he had his sons under control, like, hit me in front of everyone. He, like, fucking slapped me. Oh, my God. Stop it. I know. It was crazy. I'm so angry at him for doing that to you. That's horrific. And I remember being like... I almost thought my dad was going to be... Because he would say shit like, someone fight... You know, have your brother's backs. Like, somebody, whatever. And...

But then in, you know, when it comes to push comes to shove, it would be like to him, the idea of what other people thought was more important, right? Than your actual whatever. And that was the hardest part. And the way that I was even able to start rebuilding family stuff was just being like... Did you ever confront him about that? Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. I'm working on it with my dad. I've talked about it on the podcast where it's like me and him have a tough relationship, but we're trying to figure things out. It's a little... We're in the middle of it. It's a little complicated, but...

But so this is, honestly, this is kind of like a more distilled version of that where it's like one huge lie that everything else kind of teeters on. That hinges upon. Yeah. And it gives you such a recipe for just insane levels of anxiety and fear. And yeah, you're not responsible for...

And it sucks to give someone the advice of like, fuck your family, get away from them. Like, I know that sucks, especially if you're a nice person who really wants the best for them. And look, ultimately, if you can't do that, if you're close with them, I understand that. I'm just saying this guilt... Your mom put you in a position where...

Part of me is like, is she trying to get you to say something? Like, you shouldn't have to keep a secret from your dad. You shouldn't have to keep a secret for her. Also, whatever you do is fine because now that somebody's put like, again, saddled you with this. You have carte blanche. Do whatever choice feels right for you and you're not going to fix anything. The relationship's already broken. If it feels better to release it and tell your dad, fuck it.

telling. Yeah, it's totally up to you. Your mom should have told you in the first place and do whatever you feel like doing and yeah, give it a hard break from these people. I mean, my mom overshared not about anything that like insane, but like I know that feeling when like my mom's always, I mean, the first time she like held my daughter, she's talking about like our neighbor's lupus or something. She can't, she's always telling me dark stuff about people I don't know, you know, like we were on vacation once, not a vacation, I was on a trip and I was like

she was staying in the room with me. I was on a gig. She came with me and like in the middle of the gig, she started telling me about one of her friends who was acting out sexually. And I was like, wait, didn't she like drive my carpool? She's like, well, Rachel, she's really acting out sexually and weaponizing her sexuality. And she always acts like I backed her into the corner with listening to this shit. I was like, I'm like, I'm just finding out this bitch drove my carpool is like whoring around. Like, can you give me a minute to digest this? And then she's like, Rachel, she's,

Bipolar. I'm like, why is any of this? Why are you telling me any of this? So I know that feeling of having a parent that tells you, my mom told me so much stuff.

and she was a therapist and she would tell me about her patients. Like I had so much in my mind, but these dark, weird stories and you know, so-and-so was accosted and it ruined her sex life with Roger. And you know, like I always had these weird things and weird rules in the middle of it. Like, you know, people, and that I should have known, she'd be like, "People with breast implants are depressed, Rachel." I'm like, why would I? What's happening?

Yeah. She was always doing that with me. So I just felt this big sense and still carry the sense of responsibility for everybody's emotions in a room. And it's like my, the biggest thing I work on in my whole life is I think I'm emotionally responsible for everybody. So just like, it just, it's like,

the seed of codependence yeah so just try to like realize that you can detach from anything that doesn't feel good yeah and i also think okay and i think like she sounds pretty young i don't think she's told us her age but like i also think there's a natural time in people's lives where you do kind of i do think in your 20s it's totally normal to go do your own thing figure out who you are and you know maybe if you want to see them for holidays or whatever but

You know, there was a very important time in my life where I was figuring out how I felt. Because you also... You spend your whole life around these people. You don't get any time to think about how you actually feel about them, right? And, like, there was a big moment in my 20s where I just was like, you know what? Fuck this. I literally didn't see my family for a while. I figured out what was bothering me because you don't... When you're in it, you don't even know. And I'm sure if you took a little space to just think about this stuff, you would come up with a whole host of shit that...

You know, that this big lie is in context of, you know? Yeah, and I also think you'll find a peace with them eventually, too. So, like, anybody, it's like, you know, like, even if your parents were disturbed in a variety of ways, like, kind of figuring out how they were and realizing that you're not responsible for them might help you accept whoever they are, you know? So I feel like that's true with my mom. Like, just realizing, like, oh, yeah, like, there wasn't any reason that I needed to, like, you know?

know any of this that you know the lady who drove my carpool was like sampling dick around our neighborhood really not in that Volvo in the same Volvo she bonded through telling me about like other people's like sort of darkness you know so it's just like whatever and that's weird and potentially illegal as a therapist yeah

So, yeah, I don't know. The other thing you could do is frame your, buy a prostitute to frame your father. If you're a real girl's girl, you know, frame your father, make sure your mom gets the whole business. He's out on the fucking street and he got cucked for seven years.

If you're as toxic as your mom, that's what you should do. But good luck. That was amazing. Good luck, little buddy. Damn, I feel bad for her. I know. She seems lovely. I feel for her that she's sweet and she wants to fix things, but she can't. It's not her responsibility. No, it's your fucking parents. Next one, Elders. Hey, Bob. Hey, Dad. Hey, Elders. I'm a mom with a two-year-old.

And I am trying to take this Mr. Rogers approach on life, where you let them experience everything for the first time without taking away their joy. But in the same breath, I ain't gonna lie, this motherfucker will be ripping up my house. I really enjoy watching him have fun. But at the end of the night, I get pretty tired.

And this little fucker be ruining my whole house. How do I balance and moderate between allowing my kid to have fun and then being like, wait a minute, motherfucker. You're wrecking the whole house. So amazing that she thinks Mr. Rogers was saying that kids should just rip up your floorboards. You want to say hi? Hi. As he rips up my house. We got our first baby. But I want to let him have this toy.

So what do I do to find a balance to not rip my hair out, but also let my son be a kid? Thank you guys so much. Your podcast is great. Congrats on the fat rascal. Thank you. And hey, Gus. Hey, Elvis. That's very sweet the way she says your name, Elvis. Yeah. Hello.

Yeah, I mean, that's tough. I mean, you have how old how old your daughter? My daughter's three. And it's true that when they're toddlers, they just like rip shit up. I have a bit about like I'm like, my daughter will turn out a room like she's looking for Coke. 24 hours to leave the country.

before a drug dealer shoots her in the face. And they do it fast too. Like they're just, they turn your place out. She's right. But I don't think that Mr. Rogers was ever saying that you should just let them destroy your property. I don't think that was his vibe. Yeah. Um,

But I think like, yeah, I mean, you just have to like have reasonable boundaries with kids. Like, I mean, look, I make all, there's no like, nobody can give you a book about parenting. Like my friend that's like pregnant, she keeps sending me these articles and it's like, you know, it's just like the Finnish way to be responsible with children. It's not like that. You just, it's just one day at a time shit happens. Like you can't raise them with a philosophy, you know? So I understand if you're overwhelmed. Yeah. It's just like, yeah. I mean, I, I like there,

there's like a, I bribe my daughter sometimes if I need her. Sometimes you just need them to put their fucking coat on. Yeah. And she's just flipping the fuck out. Like, yeah, my daughter wore like a princess dress to school this morning. Cause I was trying to get packs and I didn't want to argue with her about like wearing it. Yeah. She's worn a full ninja costume. Once you wore like a Spider-Man thing with like the muscles, like it has like the six pack. I was just like, fine. You know, like,

Also, I've also like put so much confidence in her that she's always like, aren't I beautiful? And I was like...

In that Spider-Man costume, just like hulking muscles. I'm like, that's not exactly the word I would grab right now, but I mean, yeah, in general. That's awesome. Yeah, but she's, so. You might have yourself a little mask lesbian on your hands. She feels the most beautiful in a muscle suit. It's funny, it's either princess in high heels or she's like, goes to sleep the other night. She just fell asleep in a ninja costume. I was like, I'm not arguing with her about it. Why not? Like, I guess she can be a ninja. Yeah, she's full on. She was like holding her little like ninja tools. Yeah. Yeah.

Cuddled next to her. That's adorable. But I feel like it's, it's, uh, I mean you, it is like negotiating with like a terrorist sometimes when you need to be out the door, but in terms of your home, no, you can't just let them destroy things. I've never thought that had anything to do with like, you know, like letting them grow as a parent. No, I feel like kids need boundaries. We always overcorrect what we didn't have, you know? So like I lived in like a super permissive, just every feeling you had. My mom was like, let's, you know, let's start an orgasm journal. Yeah.

So I'm like boundaries, but then I have to remind myself like you don't need that many. You have to overdo it. So you always overcorrect what you did. But I think like, yeah, in general, just you don't, there's no part of exploring that needs to include like destroying property. So like as much as you can just like take something away. Like, I don't know. Yeah. And I don't know. I feel like my, cause we have a, we have a close friend who recently he's like almost two and he's toddling around right now.

and other friends of mine who kind of have a lot of kids in the same age range. And I don't know, I feel like what I see a lot is that there's areas where the baby can just go buck wild. Yes. Like a room where it's like, look, that room is going to be a disaster zone. And you can't do shit about that. Or even a couple rooms, right? You should be like, look,

His room, the playroom, and maybe part of the living room is going to be a fucking mess for the next year of your life. You have to just be realistic. But like my friend recently just renovated. They have like a little basement area and they were never really using it. And then she redid it, made it kind of like a place where adults can hang out that the baby's just not allowed.

And that has done wonders for her mental health. Because she's like, it was like a little project she did. Because I also feel like, I don't know if you feel this way, but she was just talking about how sometimes you just feel like, especially when a baby's that young, your identity is kind of stripped. And you're like, am I just a fucking mom? Yeah, I was very isolated when I just became a mom. Very isolated. Yeah, which you can totally see. Because the baby, you have to, being a mom, especially the first couple years, it's like, that kid doesn't...

give a fuck about anyone compared to their mom like latches onto their mom needs to be and every you're trying to sort out like if you're allowed to what needs you can service of your own versus theirs like my daughter woke me up twice last night like she's like she came up to my bed she'll compliment me as a way to get in the bed she's like that's cute it was like it was like a black scrunchie on my wrist don't work me just come to bed it's like where'd you got that

Yeah, there's so much going on. But yeah, just childproof your home. You're right. Just childproof or a room. And there's gates. You need gates. They are like little terrace. My mother-in-law, she calls my daughter, Terramontico. She's like, Terramontico. She lives at my house. But you have to just put the gate. But you can't let them like...

Yeah, they need to feel that. So you just like put them in a room where that's like childproof, where they can go. Yeah, go buck wild. Just don't put any like French vases in there or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, also there's just a little bit, like, yeah, I feel like two and three is the time where they are just going to fuck shit up. They do fuck shit up. No, they do. My daughter wrote on her like brand new couch, like West Elm couch. And she was just like, and like happily too. I just walked in and she was just like, look what I did. I'm terrific. Markers all over a $1,400 couch. Just Sharpie on a fucking, yeah. We just brought it home too. It was like, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They do. They do. But now she's, and then it gets a little better, though. Like, two, they're, like, just ludicrous fucking maniacal psychopaths. Three, they're like, yeah, like, yeah, now she's, like, charming me and kind of working me. Like, yeah, it's more like a car dealer now. Right. They're starting to get their little personalities. And, like, by four, they're little kids that you can actually, you know, actually reason with. They're not, they're still children, right? But, like, they're not, like, absentmindedly going to be fucking shit up as much.

No, it gets better and better. Now she's like almost four. Now it's like fun. Now I want to freeze her now before she, like, because it's such a fun age. But it's like, it's hilarious. Even when she's like working me, it's funny. Of course. It also gets funnier. It gets better and funnier. Not that you're, that's what you were looking for. They're so, because they're so dumb, but they, they're so much smarter than they used to be. I know. And so they just like know that they're, like, when a baby figures out lying, so awesome. It's hysterical. So funny. Yeah. So they figure out how to manipulate people. It's hysterical.

Manipulating is so funny from a kid. She kind of like handles me now. You know, she goes like, she'd be like, you could get that for me. Like, I'm like, as if I didn't have the confidence to make you a bottle right now. Do that. Yeah. I believe in you. I pick her up from school. I go, she gets a listening sticker when she listens at school. It's so cute. She's obsessed with that sticker. Like, and I feel for her because I was always, and I mean, whatever it was, I didn't get that shit at all. So every day when I pick her up,

I'll be like, did you get your listening sticker? Because I know she's thinking about it. Let's get it out of the way. And the other day I picked her up and she goes, sadly, no. Sadly, no. That's so funny. She handles me with things. She's just like, I'm like, don't take care of my emotions around this. Like, yeah, I could do with or without a listening sticker. I don't give a fuck about the sticker. I'm trying to be nice. I'm making conversation. So, yeah, good luck. Good luck, pal. I mean, it's...

It's tough. This is just, you know, it's the reason they say the terrible twos. Like, there's a reason everyone has the same experience as you. So let that be kind of nice that you're like, all right, well, everyone's gone through this. This is how everybody is. And yeah, you don't have to go, you don't have to let him, you're not stealing his joy if he's got a,

cooking knife and he's taking apart pillows. Yeah. And he's stabbing, he's getting all the stuffing out of your goose down fucking jacket. So good luck. No, they need the limits to explore too. Like the limits are really good. That makes them feel safer. They shouldn't feel too powerful. Like as kids, like that's what you need to be able to explore is like some parameters around it. I think like, like I remember, um,

People over talk to kids in that stage too, because they don't understand what you're talking about yet. Keep it very simple. Like this long story is all I see. There's some Brooklyn twat telling her daughter about like some experience she had like once herself and trying to over relate. It's like, no, this kid just hit a bitch in the sandbox and it's that simple. Just take the shovel away from him. Yeah.

I remember this kid used to always beat up my nephew every time we played together. It's hilarious. It was just like, we, we, all the adults would hang out to like crack open a beer and then I'd be like, Oh, we're going to have to go. Like he's just repeatedly attacked my nephew and we couldn't even hang out. He just was too alarmingly violent with us.

It's funny too because a lot of times it's just the kids. Like he was being raised by these kind of like gentle, like Williamsburg lesbians. And he was just this wild look at his eyes. Yeah. And I remember the mom talking, like over talking this. And she was like, we do not hit in this house. This is not a home where we hit. And he was so confused. He's like, no, we hit. I hit all the time. He's like, I just did. But I don't know what planet you're on. I'm going to keep hitting. No one hits me, so I hit other people. Yeah.

It is really funny. Like, a friend of mine was telling a story, and I had, you know... My friend's real artsy, and, you know, had... And, like, I think his friend... This is a secondhand story, but it is so funny. And it shows you how just...

babies are just gonna go most babies are just a certain way where this kid was being raised by yeah maybe they were lesbians or maybe it was like just a very you know he they she they couple kind of like gender yeah they were they were like we are not gonna like gender our kid like we're not gonna raise him you know he'll whatever he wants like but there's not no blue no like

masculine stuff. And this baby, the second he's outside and he sees a big-ass truck, he's like, oh! He was like, he could not get enough of huge trucks. And his, like, you know, they-them mother was like...

Like crying about how it was like, it's like, yeah, most people are a certain way. And then it's like, don't be mean to the ones that aren't. But like, yeah, your little ass baby, he loved every fucking little dude baby I know loves trucks. Oh my God. There's nothing you can do about it. My daughter's class, like they, I went in to visit her class and like, um, the girls were playing these like very intricate games in the kitchen and they were usually taking care of someone. The boys were just like slacking.

slamming into me. Just these fucking irrational psychopaths. They just kept slamming. That was their game was just to slam their bodies together. I'm like, that's not a game. Me and my brothers would do that all the time. We played very violent, like a very violent version of soccer in our small hallway where the goal was, it was like a very small hallway and on one side was our grandmother's room and on the other side was the stairs that you went down.

So it's like, and it's literally, you can only fit, and the one goal was if you get it past me and go down the stairs, and the other one is if you get it in our grandmother's room. And it was just, it devolved into just running directly into each other and fucking each other up and just getting the ball in. And sometimes we would fall down the steps. We would just put, we were just like,

Just you guys like a rolling ball of smoke? Yeah, yeah, it was fucked up. But yeah, it was very fun. Now, at the same time, if you're the opposite and your kid, you're like, yeah, my kid's going to be a fucking power lifter. We're going to get him a baseball bat. And if he just wants to like paint his nails, that's cool too. You know, but it's going to be statistically fewer of those kids. Definitely. Anyway, hit us with another one, LD. Stavi, esteemed guest.

Thank you for taking my call. I am a student teacher at a very large school district, like top five biggest cities in the US. And my regular teacher is out. So I had to substitute teacher. And there was this very pretty lady who I noticed right away. And I talked with a little bit before class started. And we had a little bit of a rapport. And I was like, oh, this is cool. And then I started teaching class for the rest of the day, right?

Remember that Schmeagle thing I was saying earlier where you start as a human being and then slowly you turn into like, can I get pussy? We are watching it. I don't know how the call's going to end, but you see how it started? Oh, this very nice lady. We have a rapport. That was the glint. He just saw the ring flash in her pocket. I hate it.

I witnessed it. It was so disgusting. Now, we don't know. Imagine that lizard moment where he changes from a man to a lizard. Now, let's see. Maybe, hey, maybe I'm wrong. And on an episode recently, I was wrong. I think I called something wrong. But I have a feeling I'm right about this one. Go ahead, Elders. Cool. And then I started teaching class for the rest of the day, right? And she's just sitting in the back because she's the substitute. She doesn't have to do anything because that's my job.

And at the last period of the day, some of the girls in the class started like asking if I was having a good day and like pointing towards the student teacher or the substitute teacher in the corner. Right. And they're like, oh, you should be having a good day because look who your substitute is. Right. Trying to like hook us up. And then they're like asking what her name.

favorite flowers are and they're like what's your favorite restaurant oh where's that oh that's just also isn't that the neighborhood you live in damn salute to these kids that her favorite restaurant is in your neighborhood dude these kids are awesome i'm about to fucking be a teacher salute stuff which

In some ways, it was, like, super adorable and nice. And in other ways, like, there's, like, an appropriateness boundary that I have to, like, maintain because they're children. Sure. And so, you know, the end of the day comes around and the substitute leaves because, you know, she doesn't have anything to do. And she leaves. And then all the kids are like, oh, Mr. Lee, Mr. So-and-so, why didn't you ask her out? What did you do? And I'm like, get out of here, guys. Like, leave. But here's the thing. Yes.

I was going to talk to her and ask her if she wanted to get a drink at the end of the period, but the kids, like, sniffed it out. Yeah. And made, like, this weird boundary situation happen where I, like, don't want to, like, have too much of my personal life in front of them. And so my question is, is because...

The substitute teacher would have an email in the school district email. Is it weird if I look up her email and then ask her out through email after the fact? Sit at your desk, lock the door, and beat off. Curiously. Flap around like a fish on the floor. Yeah, dude. Beat off before. Do me a favor. Pull up the school district email.

the directory, then click a tab over, go over to X videos, jack off, click back over. And then do you still want to look her up? Yeah. And if you do, then I don't know what to tell you, but you won't. Hopefully let's finish. Let's finish. What do you, what do you have to say? I mean, I'm sure we got it, but still opportunity. Cause I, I don't know. I feel like I should have, I should have like held her back just to talk to her for a couple minutes and see, like feel it out that way. But now I'm kind of just left with a,

random email option the next day but I don't know if that looks stalker-ish or you know weak or not so any advice you have would be greatly appreciated thank you it's not about strength man it's about looking strange as fuck sorry your kids blew up your opportunity to let's be honest not get pussy what are the odds she was gonna say yes you're like we had a rapport and it's like really or did just a woman co-worker yeah

It would have to be the craziest rapport of all time for you to think this is a possibility. Was it anything more than she was just nice at her job? Yeah, when they say rapport, it's real tricky. Yeah, that's a slippery slope. Was she just being kind to you? And then you were like, well, that's a logical next step. And now I have to find her email. And in writing, try and fuck a coworker?

With her fucking city school email. Like, this is the least smooth way to go about this and the most... It's like, okay, let's think about the best case scenario and the worst case scenario. Best case scenario, she's like, great, let's go on a date, whatever. Worst case scenario, this woman's like, she never responds to you, immediately sends that screenshot to HR with...

I felt very uncomfortable in his class. It seemed as if he had told... Asked the children to wingman him. I'm not exactly... I felt like, you know, I was being looked at as an object. These kids were talking to me. I'm not sure if he put it up to... Like, what if she's just...

convinced you put them up to it. Also, what if she has to come back another day? Like, now the whole thing is a no. You cannot email. You cannot look her up. It's insane that you think so. You have to jack off before you call us. You have to get other pussy outside of your workplace. And look, if the Lord smiles on you and you bump into her again, she has to work there again, or you just see her in the real world, then fine. You can ask her out. And I do think there is something to...

You know, I mean, it's still a little weird to try and, like, it's a co-worker, man. No. And you're a student teacher. You should not be looking or searching. No, don't look up, look for anything but Aquaphor. Just fucking. Well, I guess he's a student teacher, so he's not going to work there.

Also, I feel like the kids... And she's a substitute teacher. So in terms of the, like, age... The student teacher thing is interesting. Because it's like, if he's only there for, like, a month or two months to, like, observe, essentially, and she's a substitute teacher... Like, student teacher means she's probably in college. Substitute teacher means she's probably, like, same age, right? Yeah. Okay. So there is a... But, like, still...

You did lose your, now let's take the appropriateness out of it. Let's say it's a wash because of these situations. As a woman, if a guy that you like sort of worked with one day on a temp job and then he just the next day finds your email, like you don't give him any way to contact you. He looks it up via the professional directory and tries to go out with you. How would you respond to that?

I mean, I would assume something's terribly awry. Yeah. I did have that happen one time, like with a guy that I kind of thought was attractive. And I was in a dark, haunting place. So I did end up dating him. Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah, but then he was unwell. Like, it's not a good sign. Now, as a healthy woman, I would see that as a major red flag. So, you know, you never know. If this woman's reeling, you know, you might be able to take advantage of her and date her for eight months. She's a substitute. Her life can't be going that well. She's a substitute teacher. She can't be going that good.

I also do feel like, you know, just the fact that she is a substitute, like, isn't that like, it's not like people who are subs want to be teachers or something. Right, right. And it's like, you know, if she's like young and cute, I'm sure she's just like,

doing it to have some sort of like make 80 dollars a day right I'm sure I'm sure the last thing she wants is to like you know fuck a teacher at the school she's teaching at especially a guy who's like clearly like blushing and getting bashed when the kids are like trying to flirt on his behalf and she's just seeing this guy like smirking I do love that it's not this like un

uncanny, lively opportunity they presented you with. Clearly, they just, like, see you basically cumming in your pants and they're like, it's...

distracting them from long division. They're kind of making fun of you. Yeah. They're kind of trolling you while also being your wingman. Yeah. No, no, they weren't. It wasn't like she was going to whisper. And if she did, if she was the kind of woman that was whispering in the kid's ears. She's like, ooh, these 11 year olds think I should fuck this guy. Maybe I should. Yeah. So yeah, listen, dude.

I'm not, look, because of all the context of it, if an organic opportunity to be like, would you want to grab a drink came up, you could have taken it. You lost that opportunity. I personally, I wouldn't do it. Let's put it that way. I personally wouldn't do it. Eldest, how do you weigh in here?

I wouldn't do it. If anything, I would try like stalking on Instagram or Facebook, maybe getting in that way. But the director, the directory is crazy. Here's what you do. The second she walks out and you already missed your opportunity, you say your Tinder and your Bumble and your everything to 0.5 miles. And you just start swiping until she comes up. And that's, Oh, that's really the only thing you could have done. And, uh,

Director's crazy and Rachel says she wouldn't as a healthy woman although the biggest thing in this guy's favor is the fact that someone did it and it worked on your dumb ass five years ago or whatever or ten years ago. And then the same guy also put like spyware on my phone. I was like,

I think I told you about that guy. Wow, that guy, it all started with an email? Yeah, I did something for a TV show he was working on. He sent me an email after my performance. He sort of softly handled it. Then he went... I would just find him sitting outside my work. Oh my God. It wasn't good. He turned out to be...

Pretty alarming. A real loon. Yeah. I don't think it's a good... No, it's not good. Another thing, too, is, like... It's a disastrous move. In 2024, email is, like, such a cold way to, like, get in touch with someone about, like, personal shit or something. It's so, like, business. It's, like...

handling shit with your landlord, that kind of thing. A girl hit me up over email once because she didn't have social media. She was like, I don't have it. I got breasts attached like it was a PDF. I got a titty picture attached to an email. I did end up fucking that lady. She was cute. Actually, I feel bad because because it was email, I think I just fell off communicating with her.

Wait, so you never exchanged numbers once you fucked her? Oh, I guess I did have her number, yeah. No, you probably emailed her your address, you son of a bitch. No, no, no, I get it. Keep it clean. It's weird to fucking get pussy over email, but I did have her number. Wow, she sent a titty-picking email. There's something so funny about that. It was. It was. Please see attached. Yeah, please. Please see attached. This is so funny. And I think what's really funny is...

I think our friend who like, you know, handles like logistics and stuff and does like some assistant stuff. She was like, sometimes she'll be like, if I miss some email, like important emails, she'll be like, hey, you should follow up with this. And then she, within like, hey, you have this meeting, you have this other thing. I mean, it's my best friend. She's the person we were just talking about with her kid. Like we, I only hire people I've known for 20 years. So it wasn't, but she was just like, LOL, also maybe take a look at this one. And it was like this girl.

I don't think she saw her. I think it was titties were sent on a subsequent email. Amazing. Anyway, yeah, but you're right, Elders.

That was, that's such a novelty that I'll tell that story and people will be like, that's hilarious to actually try and start a real relationship over email is it's a while. Yeah. It's a while to, you think she's got, she's got to like clear out her, like, uh, her Lululemon code, uh, like the, the, all the sales and all this shit. Um, to get through your shit. Yeah. Yeah. Just beat off. Just lay on the carpet. Yeah. Yeah.

You're better off just closing up those school blinds. I'm going to say don't beat off at the school. That's my... I'm going to give you some slightly different advice than Rachel. I'm going to say don't take your cock out at your work desk that children learn in, in the same room where children learn. It's time for popcorn. Get a little popcorn. Email her a picture of your hard cock under the desk.

While the kids are taking you like a quiz. Yeah, send it to her official school email with your official school email. Just take something from the classroom that she touched and rub it on your dick at home. Or even funnier, send her a picture of you jizz leaking out of your khakis that you were wearing that day. Be like, this is what you did to me.

Go home and fuck a manila folder. All right, that was pretty fun. Good luck. Good luck, dude. I should probably go soon because I have to do like more. Yeah, no worries. We'll do one more. We got a fun one, Elders? Always. Fun one to go out on. Let's do it.

Okay, sorry. I am in desperate need of somebody who can give me some like quality advice on this, okay? So I'm planning to like go do this thing in a couple months and I'm going to be staying at a hotel for like almost a week or something, right? I'm going to be there for maybe like five, six days. And anyways, I recently started using a bidet and it's been so amazing. I never want to go back.

Is it kind of crazy of me to get like a $35 bidet off of Amazon or whatever and take it with me like to the hotel room? Like is that something you've considered? Because like think about it. I mean if there was like a hotel that said, hey, for like 35 extra bucks, you know, we'll give you a bidet. Like I would pay that in a fucking heartbeat. But like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

- Okay, I unfortunately have some personal experience that I would not like to have with this question. - Okay, great. Fill us in. - My fucking husband bought a traveling bidet.

You know what's so funny? You're about to be on an island here. I'll send you a picture of it today. I'd love to see it. Not that you want that. No, no, I'd love to see it because I have started having this thought because I recently became a bidet guy. Pete would love to talk to you about it because he likes to talk about toileting a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Send him my number. Let's get chatting because I actually... Our good friend Sam, Sam Morrill... See...

It's not just you whose last name I still don't fully know. I'm always not sure. I mean, actually, I know it's Morell, but for a while I didn't know if it was Morell or Morell. Or Morrell. Or Morrell. I don't think it's Morrell. It's anyone's guess. Sam is probably my best friend. I just barely know. See? I'm not confident. See? You were right and I was wrong. Thank you. Wow. Now you took all the air out of my tires on that one with the immediate apology.

I just realized how full of shit I am. It happens to me a lot. But yeah, Pete, that was the first thing. Maybe the first or second thing this motherfucker got when we were quarantined and I was pregnant. There was all sorts of shortages. He's like, I guess I'll just get a traveling bidet. I'm like, why? That's not the crisis that's coming up right now. That you need a traveling bidet. He always brings one. What does it look like? All I think is that it just... And I know I shouldn't say this, but it just...

makes him look gay to me. Like, I'm like, he's just, who knows, maybe I'll need to fuck some, be knee deep in some stranger ass when I go with you to fucking Arizona next week. Like, it doesn't, yeah, but he's just, he loves, he loves like, he got some sort of turbo toilet and shit. I'd love to know what they look like. I mean, go ahead, but like, he loves it. I want to know what they look like.

It's like a small thing and it's like a little sack that he packs. Is it that thing? Yes, he's got a little sack or like a tote bag for his bidet. Interesting. It infuriates me. Because, you know, in the Muslim world, everyone uses a bidet. Like, they'll make bidets out of water bottles and shit. In France, too, I think. People, you know. People do have, like, bidets in...

I mean, why not? There's nothing wrong with a clean asshole. And my great grandmother said that to me first, I believe. There is nothing wrong. That's a direct Eva Schneider quote. There's nothing wrong with a clean asshole. I should sniff meat. If the meat doesn't smell as good as my clean asshole, I don't want it. You should be able to open ass and sniff it before you eat it.

Edith was right. All this to find out Edith was right. Justice for Edith. You shouldn't be able to open asses. So look, man, we're all, you know, I appreciate that you're a bidet guy. I actually am. Look, I'm actually in the market for a travel bidet. I don't know what the best one is.

Because it's just, you know, one of them is... Those look like just water bottles. He did some research. My husband, like, tries to get to the bottom of everything. I literally want to know what he decided. I'm going to text it to you. Please. Literally...

I'm the kind of bitch that you just... I just want to make a decision really fast. I need some bitch to be like, this shampoo or all the other shampoos, your hair will all fall out. My husband always tries to get to the bottom of things. And when he was researching a traveling bidet as we were falling asleep at night, when I was like, I've never been less attracted to him. He's like, hmm. Yeah, like he was really just wifting through the comments, just seeding through all the comments. Why? Just...

I get that. I get locked in though sometimes. Really? You research things? Yeah. I don't even know. I'm probably the problem here yet again, but I don't even know. This is really crazy to end on this, but like, I don't even know.

I mean, I now know, but I didn't know what kind of car we had because he talked to me for a long time about it. I just became archaically bored that I was just like, oh, I don't know. And then he's like, I'll never forget how excited he was when he made a decision. He's like, oh, I think I'm going to get a Mazda. It does feel great when you finally make that decision. You click in the right one. Because I'm the same way where certain things I need to, I do need to do some. Really vet over, vet them. Truly. The bidet went with a Toto too.

Thanks to Sam, too. He has a Toto, too. Yeah, see? Wow, see? Can't go wrong. It's all coming together. The Toto washlet. In fact, I bought one for Baltimore, and I just got one. It just shipped today for here. I'm going to be putting it on. I'm going to be installing it later today, so I'm very pumped. So we're pro bidet here, buddy. And use... Who advertised with us? Tushy. Tushy. And in fact...

You know what I said about doing... Billy about the one I said I had, Eldis, actually. And actually put me saying, I have a tushy. Ahem.

I have a tushy bidet. You know, they haven't paid us in a while, actually. Fuck them. No commitments this fiscal year. You know what? Fuck. Well, I'm not going to say fuck them because we'd love to have them back on. I used to have a tushy because I loved it. Then they stopped supporting the podcast. I was forced to, you know, try something else. I'd love to go back to tushy. They're just going to have to make it worth my while. And so, buddy, it's up to you, man.

I would say if you're going to use Tushy, use promo code StavisWorld. And if not, get yourself a little... They do have a good... I will say back to actually sucking Tushy's cock a little bit. Their travel bidet did look pretty good. I was eyeing that up. It did actually look good. And you know I mean this because... He was eyeing it like a substitute. I was eyeing it like a substitute. Spring morn. Like a pair of substitute t-shirt cans. Right.

Right for them to stay as long. Bobbling up and down the linoleum hallway. Bobbing, bobbing along. So yeah, we're pro bidet. Oh, shit. And, you know, we're pro bidet and we say, you do it, buddy. Just do it. You'll have a clean ass. You'll be fine. And then you've made a commitment. Now you have a travelable day for the rest of your life and you use it everywhere you go. Dude, next tour, if you don't think I'm bringing a bidet, you're out of your mind. Oh, my God.

I'm pretty pro bidet. I do feel like when you're in a hotel, that's a place where you just hop in the shower after you take a shit. That's not a bad point. I feel like I need a travel bidet more if I'm staying with family or something. There's no fixed environment that my asshole is used to for this shit. Why don't we just get your sister a bidet for Christmas, man? You got some wipes. I'm sorry.

Fuck. I'm not the same as a fucking shower shooting up your asshole. Yeah, exactly. You feel clean. You feel real clean. But yeah, I feel like when I'm in a hotel, that's when like, you know, all bets are off. Use as many towels as you need. All bets are off. It's a hysterical thing to say about cleaning your own asshole.

All bets are off. Anything that happens. Anything and everything is going up Eldest's ass in a hotel. Do not use any of the bathroom fixtures. Don't use any of the sinks after you've stayed in the same hotel as Eldest. I'll tell you that much. All bets. All bets are off. Get away off the table. When it comes to my inner anus.

Good God. That's the most ludicrous expression to grab for that. That was amazing. That made my fucking day, Elvis. Tell you what, all bets are off. All bets are off when I'm in a hotel. Well, there you go, little buddy. We support your bidet addiction. But more importantly, everybody, go watch Rachel's special out right now. Rachel Feinberg's special. Did I say it right? Rachel Feinberg's special.

On Netflix right now, it's called Big Guy. Hilarious. Thanks for coming, Rachel. This was so fun. I hope your asses are just as clean as they can be here at Stobby's Podcast. We want the very best for your inner asshole. We really do. We really do. You're worth it. You're worth it. Thank you so much, Stobby. Bye, guys. See you next time. Bye, you guys.