#77 - Clare O'Kane and Brittany Carney
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We have an expert panel here. Very happy to have two of my pals, Claire O'Kane. Say hello. Hey, brother. Very nice. And we have Brittany on the couch looking nice. Dr. Leopard on. Hello. Yeah, anything for... Is that Leopard? Yeah.

It's going to be Cheetah. It's going to be Cheetah. It's going to be Cheetah. I like the... I like the... I don't think I know the difference. You like the... There's several faces. So it's kind of like... It's cool. Abstractly, it could be a lot of bodies in one. I like animal print. I'm an animal print guy. I trust that about you. So without... I feel like subconsciously, I was like, I'm going to go for a pattern. Thank you. I think you're a pattern. Thank you so much. Thank you for someone dressing up for the fucking podcast. What? No.

I put on a bra for this. You look great. Thank you. I appreciate you not letting them swing. Church bells. Do they swing? Do your tits swing? First question. Do your tits swing?

We do a hard-hitting interview show here. I tell you, one of the first times I met you, I said something about wearing a... We were doing that Comedy Central 15-minute thing, and I was like, oh, man, I'm wearing a bra for the first time in a long time. And you look at me, and you go, I ain't mad at it. I go, this fucking guy...

I think it was a good choice. You're on camera. They looked good. He's my manager all of a sudden.

I was trying to foster community in the comedy space. I was trying to make my female coworkers feel appreciated. Is that so bad? We can't even tell a woman she's beautiful anymore without getting written up by HR. You know, I only quit for like five years. Yeah, I remember that. That was awesome. The Comedy Central thing. I just remember being like, wow.

This five-minute digital-only Comedy Central thing. We really did. To the moon from here. Where was that? In New York? Where was it? It was at Littlefield. Not Bell House. Yes, Littlefield. This was before being on the internet even mattered. Well, what's funny is Comedy Central almost was right. Almost. That was the right thing to do. Yeah. And then they didn't. They just did a little bit of it. Right. And then by the time it was the right move, they were out of it.

It was just whatever. I think it stopped existing, but... Yeah, and mine was in...

So there were 22. It was outside. Outside? In the courtyard. And there were 22 people in the audience because of social distancing. That's brutal. And it sounds and looks like it. Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. They caught that on camera. Yeah. You know, there were 20 people with like PPE equipment. It was really like. Yeah. They treat us like dogs. They did. We were all in the kennel. We had pizza. On the except for that.

You know, they paid like $400. It was like, they didn't pay shit. They put so much makeup on me, I looked different ethnically. Yeah, yeah, you definitely did. You were in Kabuki makeup. That was hilarious. It was like, we were the first people to do digital only, and Comedy Central didn't do it. And sorry, guys, this is boring. We won't do much more comedy talk. But before that, it was like,

That was like the equivalent of the premium blend or before that it was Adam Devine's house party. And the people before us got to go to Hawaii, get a vacation, and they got paid like 15 grand. And then for us, they were like, hey, we'll get you an Uber and we'll pay you $400. But hey, it changed my career. I do like that I was... Something is...

There's like, because I'm bald and toothless in that. And so I like that that's a time capsule. That was a good era. Of the toothless look. Yeah. But, you know. Oh, yeah, that's very interesting, gals. But can I stop you right there? It just feels like you're the kind of gal who needs to know about our sponsor, Freeze Pipe.

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Listen, we have some other digital projects, huh? We got a special. Oh, yeah. Right? We got an album. Let's plug our stuff. Brittany. Brittany Carney. And I didn't say your last name. I just said Brittany's here. And I just realized not everyone who's watching is friends with Brittany like we are. Her name is Brittany Carney. Thank you. I forgot your name and I sexualized Claire. That's what I did off the top. I expected nothing less.

I think I probably talked about your husband's penis when he was on To Be Fair. Oh, yeah. It goes both ways on Stobby's World. He does.

But you got a special out? Yeah, I have a special out. Where should I look? Wherever you want. Whatever feels right. I look into Elvis's eyes. Just gaze into Elvis's eyes. You're doing great, Brittany. He's zooming in. Let me just sit up here first. My special's on YouTube. It's called That Is My Horse. Half an hour on YouTube. Please watch it. It's on there. How are people liking it?

they're liking it fine. My dad sent me almost manic texts because a week has gone by and he hasn't seen it. And so yesterday,

He sent me a message that was like very effusive, but with like four exclamation points behind each sentence. And I'm like, they didn't tell the boomers that you can't, you can only use one. Yeah. It looks weird. Like accolade, right? Anyway, so yeah, my dad likes it. Is he an exclamation points guy? No. He seems like a very subdued. He's very subdued. I don't know your family other than through your Instagram stories. Oh, sure. But they seem to be very subdued.

Asian, black Asians. That's how I would categorize them. Perfect punctuation, but he kind of went off. Interesting. My dad likes that.

My dad likes it. I think it's been getting pretty nice reception. I could use more reception. So thank you so much. Of course. Like, subscribe. Like, yeah. And you have an album? I got an album coming out May 16th. Nice. It probably is May 16th by now. It's coming out today. Yeah, it's actually out probably. I don't know, Eldest. What's the calendar say? I don't know. Yeah.

What a fucking awesome producer, man. No fucking cold diet Cokes. Don't know when the fucking episode is coming out. God damn it, dude. We got some open spots around there.

I say within two to four weeks of that date, it should be out. Plus or minus. And we'll promote Brittany's special. Sorry, guys. We do this ahead of time. I'm on my little wellness journey. You know, I've been in Baltimore. I'm only coming up here to pod. So, you know, we got to. Yeah, it's currently November 2023. Yeah.

Salute to President Trump. We always knew you had it in you, sir. Well, I was going to say, if you're doing things so far in advance, what if another 9-11 happens? And then they're going, why isn't Stavros talking about the clown car that ran into the...

The Washington Monument or whatever. That would be awesome. We could do a little intro. Yeah, I would cut in. I would cut in. You'd do a tribute. I would do a tribute. I'd be like, moment of silence. And if it was a clown car, I would maybe spray Eldest in the face with a little... I would solemnly spray Eldest in the face with a little seltzer water out of my rose.

Although I guess that would be the, they would be the terrorists. The clowns would be the terrorists. Maybe that would look wrong. Yeah, I don't know. Well, I don't know what the, look, did they have a point? You know what I mean? Maybe I'm on their side. They might in a couple years. Well, let's, let's again, did Biden rig it again? And that's the only way we could get the truth out there is by driving a clown car into the Washington Monument. I'm lost. Yeah.

What are you guys talking about? I just had a bad riff that Stavi had to kind of add on. No, no, no. I'm in. I think it was a good riff and I'm in there. So anyway. It's cool to see this up close. I've been curious. Who did this? My sister-in-law. She's an artist. Cool. It's very nice. Yeah, you just can't beat hand-painted Greek mural stuff.

It's just a nice dick right here. Don't take, do not do graffiti on my shit. It gives the room a warmth. Yes, I like it. I want it to feel like a, you know, like a trashy little restaurant. Yeah, it definitely does. That's the vibe. Anybody here ever work in a restaurant? Uh...

I worked in, like, I worked in coffee shops. That makes sense. That's so a thing you would do. But also, I feel like you'd be bad at making the coffee. Well, I'll tell you what. Yes and no. Let's see.

She was, for sure. I wasn't bad at making the coffee, I think, because I was excited about it. The steamed drinks and shit? Yeah, and I got good at foaming soy milk. This was when soy milk was still king, right before oat and almond. I had no idea what was around the corner. But I was terrible at the register and doing any kind of coffee shop accounting. So at the end of the summer, I got...

let go before i had to go back to college because i messed up the cash register oh but what he didn't know what jesse with long hair who was in a punk band that my manager at the time didn't know is that i was a punk band for that was your authority figure yeah i'm gonna guess white guy named jesse with long hair yeah yeah that was the man you know like a newsboy cap over like he had long hair but then was probably self-conscious about so he put on a uh

Yeah, a newsboy cap. And anyway, I... That's a great look. The newsboy cap. I think I'm just going to film me.

You were stealing from the cash register? No, no, no. You were just bad at your job? Because that would have been cool. If I stole? Yeah. No, if I stole it was without realizing it. You know what I mean? Like, just maybe miscalculations. So I think I was good. I've stolen from every job I've ever had. Like you're supposed to. What's your biggest come up from a job? I'd rather not say. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Lorne Michaels Rolex. Let's just say I got a size five Gucci loafers. She's got the cowbell Will Ferrell was playing. She's got it in her house. I've worked at a place called The Oinkster. Hell yeah. That's awesome. In L.A. The Oinkster? Like pork chops.

It was a pork-based restaurant. I love that. And then when I first moved here, I worked at a butcher shop. Oh, that's hot, actually. And I was a meat monger. Love that. I wanted to be a butcher, but it was too much work. Too much work? You had to get trained and shit like that. Yeah, yeah. But I wasn't... They wouldn't let me cut the meat. You just wanted to fucking take a big-ass thing and go, bop, bop, bop, bop. Yeah, I know what you mean. You have to be trained. You have to be trained. You have to learn shit. Like what knives to use for what... What knives, what...

Body parts are what? Oh, sure. How to cook the butts of animals. Oh, I know how to cook a pork butt. Yeah, yeah. Low and slow, baby. Let that go overnight. Why? Because it's dry? No, it's quite the opposite. I know you're the meat monger, but it's so fatty. Oh, oh, oh. Cook it down and it's all fatty. And it melts down. And if you do it quickly, it gets too chewy. Yeah. But that's what pulled pork is made of. Interesting.

For my money, you want to get it before it becomes pulled pork and it's just a succulent piece of meat. I still want a little chew on my pork butt personally. With some give. I want a little give. I want it to fight me a little bit. I like choking on the fat. Hell yeah, now we're talking. Now we're talking. Speaking of my man's penis. No way. Does Nick have a big penis? I would...

You know what's so funny? He said, if Stavros asked if I have a big penis, tell him I said yes. He knew. He knew what kind of show this was.

shout out to Nick Naney friend of the pod we're gonna have him on a free episode as well yeah he's cut it's long it's fine nice good for him but I worked at a butcher shop but before I was a meat monger I had to put his picture up during this conversation so everybody knows put a face to the to the to the hog to the oinkster there he is no you don't just do it in post mother fucker we know what Nick looks like you don't have to look him up god damn

Get him off my screen. I don't want to look at him this whole time. We have a real selection. There's like 16 thumbnails. Getting too wet. Get him off my fucking screen. Thank you. What is it? I was like, what are those called? Porter's?

The people who clean stuff. Porters are... Isn't that in trains? When they fucking take your bags? Motherfucker. In New York, I think it's like a clean... I had to clean all the meat grinders and shit. And I had to like sweep away blood into the drains. Damn. But you didn't get to cut shit. Eventually, they taught me how to break down chickens. Nice. Which is really helpful. So you can take a whole chicken and just... Do you apply that to today? To today? Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

That's awesome. How long? Go ahead, Brittany. Well, did you guys, okay, this coffee shop job I was talking about, we had a, yeah, we also had to learn to break down chickens. And so we, the textbook, we had a textbook. We had to pass a test at the beginning of the show. Whoa, that sucks. That was about like,

Yeah, it did suck because it was like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like coffee, like what kind of beans are grown where. I quit immediately. Does your hijab have anything formal like that? Or are you just like... I had to know where the meat came from. And if somebody asks, it's like a rich person. It was in Park Slope. So it would always be kind of a fussy woman being like, I just, I don't know how to do it.

You could have lied to her. Yeah. I don't know. Just put it in the fridge. Yeah. Just throw it completely in the wrong directions. Yeah. But yeah, you'd have to like learn how to cook meat. How long were you there?

About a year. Not enough time to really get any knowledge. No, but I got a lot of free meat. Free meat? And then I'm dropping a dry-aged steak on the floor on accident, and I go, oops. Whoopsie. I gotta take this home. That's $24.95 a pound. That's $24.95 a pound. Last I checked. That crusty meat. Oh, I love that shit. It's so good. Tastes nutty. Yeah. It's awesome. I'm trying to get into dry-aging. I've talked about how I really... I want to work for five years and then just...

abscond somewhere and grill and just become a meat guy. Like opening up a restaurant with a little butcher shop attached. That's the dream. What would you call it? Fat Stavs. Fat Stavs. Fat Stavs. Fat Stavs Oinkster. I'm going to try and get I'm going to buy the Oinkster name.

But yeah, I don't know. Where was Oinkster? Oinkster was in Eagle Rock. In California. I think Fat Stob's Meats and Seafood, maybe. How about Oinker? I'm so bad at ripping, it sucks. I don't know. I think I talked about this on Soder's podcast. I think we had a different name for it. But I also was thinking I would consider maybe...

Maybe doing a dessert restaurant after my mom called Lil V's. That's nice. Because she makes a real nice cookie.

That's nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's a great... What's her cookie? It's called the Melo Macaro, no? And it's like a Greek olive oil orange peel. Yeah, it is vegan. It's technically vegan. Oh, interesting. As long as you... I mean, if you give a fuck about bees, I guess it's not. But vegans suck my dick if you care about bees. What are we doing? They're fucking bugs, for Christ's sake. But everything else, it's olive oil. It's fucking... You know what I mean? That's not an animal. I really believe that. No, no, no.

You could use like apple honey or whatever but yeah, it's a vegan Have you seen this thing that I can use just the bullshit thing I keep getting like pectin I was just gonna say I keep getting this ad on my Instagram for a thing that you can you can help bees when you see a bee struggling on the street there's a little device that you can

You can drink out of it. Oh, really? Oh, I like that. Hey, listen. I'm not a monster. I'll help a bee. But I'm saying let him make honey for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it hurt him to make honey? Wow, it's like a big syringe. The bee revival keychain. Oh, that's pretty cool. It's like, what's that shit that they give you now? Narcan. It's like a bee for bees. That's what it's made. That's a bee that got into some fentanyl? Yeah.

I love an olive oil dessert. Me too. Oh, yeah. Well, during the holidays, we'll get you a nice batch of little V's mellow macaroni. Out of the side of Fat Stav's. Right on the side of Fat Stav's. Fat Stav's premium meats and seafood. I'm workshopping it. Fat Stav's premium meats. Fat Stav's premium meats. Meats and delights of the sea, maybe. Delicatessen. Fat Stav's delights of...

Land and sea. No, I need premium meat. Fat Stav's Delights is actually great. Fat Stav's Delights is actually great. Fruit of the sea. Fat Stav's Delights of the land and fruit of the sea. Delights of the land and fruit of the sea. Yeah, that really rolls off the tongue. One long sign that kind of goes around. But it would be good. It would be good. Where would that be? Probably East Baltimore if I... Southeast Baltimore. Okay. You know?

They're going to have the little... What do you call these? Curlies? What are they called? The Greek key. The Greek key. Mm-hmm. The Greek key. That's right. That's right. So Greek pubes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what my pubes look like. Settle down, Elders. Ow, ow. They hurt. They're pointy. They hurt big time.

But yeah, so that's what I was. So yeah, it's interesting because no one, you do feel like you would not like, everything about you says that you were a vegan at least for some point in time. You think? Yeah, are you kidding me? Just because I got short hair. Short hair and like cutie tattoos. These types of cute tattoos. Yeah, you know, but I'm Filipino. It's like we live on facts.

Fat stops. Pork hog. That's true. Did you guys ever do like a pig roast? I did that at my wedding too. Fuck yeah. And my aunt, I told my aunt I wanted a big pig. And she's like, that's going to freak people out. I'm like, this is...

It's my wedding. This is my ethnicity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dead pig freaking people out. Yeah. And it's cool. We do a whole lamb on Easter. It's so good. I'm pissed because I'm going to be in L.A. on Easter, and I wanted to host Easter for the first time and cook a whole big-ass lamb myself next year. On a spit? Spit. Outside on the... Not on the balcony. It would probably be in Baltimore. Right. Where I have access to a nice backyard. I've always wanted to bury something. Yeah.

Oh, there's a type of lamb called kleftiko, which means like the bandit's lamb. Cool. And it's like you bury it and smoke it underground because if you would smoke it, the Turks would find you. They would see the fucking smoke. Those pesky Turks. Those fucking Turks don't get me started. I want nothing to do with them.

But yeah, that's a good ass lamb. It's kind of smoked, kind of like a barbecue situation. I love me. I want to give it up. You do want to. Well, yeah, but I grew up with vegetarian parents. So I was vegan in college, actually. Oh, yeah. Another thing that coffee shop, vegan in college, check, check. All that, all that. Are you bisexual? No, I just present as one. Actually, I don't see that as much. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I had, when I was still in D.C.,

I had like a buzz cut for a while and I kept getting booked on queer shows. I think I just wanted a black person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. It pays to be black. Don't get me started.

Best card to pull. I think I assumed bisexual because of nose. Yeah, and I have a little guy in, but I've had bigger ones than that. Oh, interesting. Is that bi? I don't know. I just assume everyone's bi. That's true. I assumed every girl was bi.

Yeah, now they are. Like, huh? I feel like now they are. I think they are. But then that's gotten me, I just, like I've been dating. It's gotten you in trouble. It's gotten me in trouble. It's gotten me in some serious trouble. When I dated somebody who was like, I was dating somebody and I just assumed everyone who was, every girl younger than me was like, wanted to be a bi. Like, you know, she like moved to New York and I was like, oh, this person wants to just go

Go off, suck dick, eat pussy. She doesn't want to date me. And then she was like, she did. And I just was confused because I was like, no, you're a hot 20-something. Everyone's buying and sucking each other off. I didn't think you'd want to. So you're going in and going, this will be easy peasy. I'll be like, in and out, get a little freaky pussy. And I'm going to wash my hands of it kind of thing. We could be friends. Maybe she's in an open thing, you know. I like to be in the outer circle of an open relationship.

Where it's no emotional thing. I pop in, I get my dick sucked, I pop out. You know, maybe once I have, yeah, I pop in and out. It's great. It's nice because you're like the little, you're like the forbidden fruit, but it's not even forbidden. Thank you. It's like within the parameters. It's low-hanging fruit. Yeah, it's a nice, juicy piece of fruit. That's a grapefruit that really should have fallen. Yeah. It's like, how is this rotting, but it's on the branch still? It's dry inside, dude.

It's sweet, but it's too sweet. It's that sickly sweet shit. Are you a little gay?

I guess I would get my dick sucked by a cute guy that looks like a woman. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I guess I would go that far. Cool. Haven't done it yet, but the more I fuck people, I'm like, who cares at this point? It's kind of like, who cares at this point? Who cares is really the thing where I'm like, I haven't, but... End of the world. Somebody pops up. Yeah, you gotta go for whatever. Somebody pops up and the vibes are right. I've told this story before where...

one time at a show there was some little blonde guy who was like a very he was a real gay guy and he had like even like makeup on like a little bit of fucking blush or some shit and he just reminded me of a girl I knew in Baltimore like you know when you meet someone you're like this reminds me of and I was like well and I had another spot but he was clearly trying to suck me off but if I did have another spot sometimes I think like what if I just canceled that spot and got ahead from that guy Mike Carolla you know like

That would have been awesome. That would have been cool. Yeah. I'm not against it. If that guy's around still and you've kept it tight. This was eight years ago. But, you know, let me know. Corolla dome. But I don't know. Maybe he'll come out of the woodwork. Yeah. Oh, 100%. You're gay. Corolla dome? You're pretty much half and half, right? You're pretty much right down the middle. I mean, no.

The more, the older I get, the more I'm like, I don't even want to put numbers on it. Right, right, right. I wouldn't bet on it. Right. Who knows? Who knows? How the mood strikes you. It's how the mood strikes me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, it's nice to have options. Totally. Well, is there a part, because we were kind of talking about it, you know, before we started, where it's like,

The older you get, the more you're just like, fuck, am I just becoming a regular ass person? Where it's like, I'm just a normal person. So like for you, where it's like, you know, I know even if you're in like a poly relationship at some point, does it feel weird to just be like, damn, I'm just like most, like a lot of my life, I'm essentially a straight married woman. You know, like, does that feel weird? Yeah. The fact that I even made it to 34. Yeah.

fact that i like have my it's so crazy also like yeah quitting drinking yeah yeah yeah being on it like a mediterranean diet oh my bitch is in the blue zone yeah i'm trying to live to 150 and do calisthenics with old asian ladies

Back to your Filipino roots. Hey, they give you pork, they give you calisthenics at 70. You know what I mean? You get them both. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I totally forgot what we were talking about. That's okay.

But I do feel like I'm just kind of becoming a straight-laced person. Yeah. But then I was talking to someone recently about being a bi girl and dating men, and someone was like, maybe it's like our kink is fucking guys. Relax. You're fucking half straight. I hate to break it to you. Well, if you think about it.

You're a fuck it. You pay your taxes. You married a man. Okay. It's done. You're not a child drug addict anymore. It's over. I even voted. You voted for Biden. It's over.

I just think it's funny, like, if dating men is like... Goddamn, dude. Bi women are hilarious. The mental gymnastics to be different is so awesome. It's like... And listen, I'll give you a little bit... Especially white bi women, it's like, all right, congrats. A white bi woman married to a man. Yep, you're a fucking minority. Like, that's... No, no, no. But you know what I mean? It's like, the mental gymnastics to be like, well, I'm not a regular married white woman. I'm...

I've got something else going on. You know, it's like, no, it's actually fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up of me. I just like, it's the same as getting shit on or being tied up and fucked upside down as me having sex with a man. Having missionary sex with a white man. With a man I love that I own property with. That's my kink. Straight man.

That's awesome. Anyway. That's cool. But you must, because I don't, I mean, I guess I vaguely am familiar. I'm just assuming that you were a wild ass little kid. Or like teen or in your 20s. I did a lot of stuff. Yeah. For sure. And I had a lot of sex before I was 20.

Allowed to right right right under the eyes of the law Fuck each other aren't they I think they're all to fuck each other Yeah, that's what I'm saying you said under the law Don't do it on my Wi-Fi

I don't need that kind of heat. No one's going to look at this room and be like, it was that lady that Googled that. Who can kids legally fuck? Do not Google that on my wife.

Were you F and an S in high school? No, no. I feel like you were a good student. I don't know if I was a particularly good student. I was like quiet and like obedient. And I really liked the subjects that I liked. But I don't think I was like

by any means a star student, but I... But you also... You were in Japan though, right? Yeah. Because that doesn't... It's impossible to be a star student. Everyone's like... They're ashamed. Everyone's like, you're not perfect. You didn't bow deep enough to the emperor. So yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a... What's that word? Sisyphusian. Sisyphusian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's one of your guys. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's one of your guys. Yep. Right. Well...

Basically, what I'm saying is I assume it's much more... If you were in America, you would have been this valedictorian of your school. I was. We moved when I was in ninth grade. Oh, okay. And I feel like the thing is that that's when a lot of kids were becoming rebellious naturally. But I was pretty emotionally attached to my parents because it was such a tough time to move, like in the middle of ninth grade. Yeah, holy fuck. And I was really...

lonely and shy and we went to public high school no not at first damn but not even the weird anime kids you're coming from Japan there were weird anime kids that fetishized you weirdly it's on surface yeah yeah I don't know if I was really aware of all that at the age of 14 but I don't so then I made good friends like really great close friends through theater ultimately and then beyond but then so I'm still like close to my group of girlfriends from that time but we did not

F-ness. Towards the end of high school, some friends, oh, even in middle school in Japan, some of my friends were F-ing, were other F-ing. F-ing. I think you can say F-ing. I think you can say fingering. They're fingering. Each other. Oh, yeah. And each other. Children can do that to each other. Yeah, yeah. Let's look it up. No, Claire, put your phone away. Stop Googling stuff about kids fucking each other. Can kids

other in Japan. Cartoon style. Okay, now, maybe it's an octopus doing it to one of the kids. Right, right.

That's interesting because I also just, everything you hear about Japan now anyways, that no one fucks there, that it's like, that there's like a weird negative sex thing happening. I see, right, right, right. Everyone's overworked and like. I have a lot of thoughts about this. Oh, hit us with them. Just kiss the mic. Give it a smooch, smooch the mic. Don't suck it off. Don't suck the foam. Do not suck it off. Okay, so I have a lot of thoughts. So one, on one hand, it's like,

There's a lot of conflicting things about sexuality, I think, in modern Japanese culture. For example, obviously, there's a lot of like erotic art and whatever that's older. Sure. Oh, yeah. Like the thing on the beach, the lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second lady. That's been like a century, I feel like. I'm sure older. But the point is like then or like in the 20s.

In Japan, and that was big because that's when Japan was becoming more westernized. There was a lot of erotic art from that era as well. And now, I don't know, I think it's a combination of it. It's still a pretty socially repressed society. So on one hand, sexuality is not openly discussed. It's not that tactile of a culture, which also makes it so that the way that sexuality is perceived

is like kind of wild. Like that's the tentacle stuff or there are a lot of sexual services that are pretty like widely available. You know, like... No, I went to Tokyo and I was like, there's just guys in suits getting off the train and going to like... Yeah. It's like a... It looks like a Toys R Us but it's like... It's like hentai. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're just like going to sit at a jack-off booth. Totally. To jack off and then go have like...

you know, soup. Soup soup. That's Julian. Yeah, they gotta get Giuliani in there to clean it up. Yeah, it's like, you know, like going under a bench where women are sitting on it. Like that's, they have all these things that are available. Yeah. And they're making money, right? The way they have anti-homeless benches here, they have look at ladies pussy benches in Japan. But like, um,

Like the, you know, the, so at least in Tokyo. Things like a mechanic gets under when he's working on a fucking car. You pay a yen to get on one of those. Yeah, I think all that stuff is a result of like, I don't know, Japan navigating how it is about like, on one hand, the body in Japan is not sexualized. On the other hand, it's like hyper-sexualized. And I think that now as people are overworked,

And probably, and because of like the work environment, they are probably having kids and marrying later. And like now, I don't know. And also now I think because people have access to like...

figurines, services, any visual thing. Robots that suck your dick. It's like, you can kind of become insular. Absolutely. For real. I'm not even kidding. Japan's getting that first. Yeah, Japan has been 20 years ahead of the US. Yeah. Probably for at least a century. Self-suck. Yeah, so self-sucking is, you know, maybe in the next few years. So I think it's like, there's a lot

a play, but I feel like, but it wasn't like a horny society when you were over there. Sure. It was, it was, but that's what I'm saying. Like the kids, but I'm saying like the kids, I just, to me, I was like, damn, I guess I get Japanese kids. Wouldn't fuck. I don't know that because no one fucks. I'm like, well, Japanese kids probably don't fuck either. No, I think they fuck. Okay. Honestly, I don't think, I don't think there's like,

You're right. It makes sense. I don't think... But at the same time, American culture is pretty Puritan. For sure. 100%.

But we like... That's a good point. Maybe it's like... Everyone fucks like, you know, in a car or, you know, like it is... It's not like... Like I do feel like Europeans, it is not frowned upon at all. It is a... It's an outwardly horny society. That's why they came to America to be virgins. Yeah, that's true. To be weird. Yeah. That's why America exists is because you're a virgin European. That's true. Wanted to go somewhere to be weird. Yeah, it is the fucking biggest losers with their little fucked up hats. Yeah.

Everyone's sucking and fucking. Tall little hats with the belts on it. Yeah. Shut up. Yeah. Imagine rather being on a boat for seven months than getting your dick sucked. Could not be me. Yeah. Because I always was jealous of Greek, like my Greek cousins and shit because it was like they were like smoking and fucking and they were like 14 and I was like,

I'm getting no pussy whatsoever. I'm scared to do drugs. You know? And then I was like, this sucks. That's the American dream. Yeah. Right? That you're scared you're not getting pussy. Exactly. It sucked. It sucked.

So that's why I was just like, I just assumed Japan was like the flip of like a whore. Cause Greece is a horny, outwardly horny society. Italy, like all that, all that Eastern European shit. I don't know what Albania was like. You could trade probably a ride up the hill on your donkey for a job. When you turn seven years old, your uncle takes you to a whore house. Yeah.

You pick which Ukrainian chained to a radiator you fuck for seven minutes. It's like, good choice, Eldis. Very good. That strong one. All her teeth still in mouth. And then you give her a fresh radish and she eats it. That's the tip. After you pay the two equivalent of $1.50 to US dollars.

Goddamn. I think Greece and Italy... Yeah, let's get into it. You got Italy thoughts too. Let's get into it. You got Italy thoughts too. It's like tactile. Like everybody's touching each other. There's a lot of language. Sure. About... It's like amaranth. Yeah, talking with your hands. A lot of kissing on the cheek. Everyone's kissing each other on the cheeks. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Japan is so...

Not a touchy tactile society. But you were like, did you grow up in like a, were you going to like an American school? You were, right? Yeah, good question. So after. Give us a little bit of your family background because it is kind of interesting. Oh, sure. Okay. How you got, how you even got to Japan. What's my downstairs mix up? Yeah. What's my situation? So like. Okay. Who is your mom and dad? Let's start there. And then Claire will ask. Mr. Easy. I just got it.

A lobotomy. Would your parents grow up in Japan, both of them? No, no, no. My dad is from Philadelphia. Straight from Philly. Black guy from Philly. Oh, interesting. Fully black guy from Philly. Yeah. Because he just looks a little Asian to me, too. People often think he's Egyptian. Yeah, exactly. He's not. I don't know. That's my knowledge. That's not Asian either, by the way. That's North African. No, but it's like...

The point is something else is going on. But no, he's just an angular, kind of quiet, light-skinned black man from Philadelphia. But my mom is half black. And my grandfather was from Southern Maryland, black man, Catholic, Southern Maryland guy who got stationed in Yokohama in 1945 because there was a little war going on. And he stayed there and he married my grandmother. Oh, okay.

And then, so my mom and her two sisters were all born and raised in Japan. Gotcha, gotcha. And then my grandma. I'm going to guess 50s Japan was really cool to half black kids. Oh, yeah, I know. I'm going to guess they were real chill. Right, right, right. It was real fun to be there. No, no.

you know uh difficult sentiment at all so but the cool thing is that i guess like my grandmother or my great-grandmother who the japanese one yeah so not so my yeah exactly everyone's japanese but yeah i mean she and my middle name is named after her i never met her because she like died right before i was born but she apparently was like cool with her daughter marrying this black man southern maryland so anyway so then then the funny thing is that my grandfather he

Stayed in Japan for a long time. When my mom was a teenager, they got divorced and he married another Japanese woman. Whoa. Yeah, he had a type. My man had developed a taste. So...

He wasn't coming back to Charles County. He wasn't going back to fucking... No, no, no. He wasn't going to Waldorf after that. He was staying in Yokohama. So that's why I have a grandma. I had a grandma and a grandma. And there I grew up with two Japanese grandmas. Nice. And then eventually my grandfather did move back to Annapolis with the one Japanese grandma. Oh, he did? Eventually, yeah. Oh, wow. And then...

my so then my my like oh my god japan a long time like he was like that's fucking weird where it's like he was the only black man on some like board of something something because he was really involved with like foreign he was like whatever like he was involved in foreign affairs organizations there and he was like it was like him was he still in the army or he was out

He might have been out of that. Actually, I don't know. Interesting. But there's a lot of... So he just stayed in Japan for like 40 years, then moved back to Annapolis as an old ass dude? Yeah, like raised daughters. Right. Wow. And the idea was that each of the daughters who were all born and raised in Japan had to go to college in the US. So my mom met my dad in college. Which college? My mom went to Bryn Mawr College, which is like women's college. And then at the time...

Your dad went to an all-late girls college? Yeah, my dad went to an all-late... Your dad went to a... He was the pioneer. Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. He went to Haverford, which at the time was all boys. Gotcha. And then they met... At a mixer. Had an old-fashioned mixer. Yeah, they met at a film lecture. No, no, their first day was a film lecture or something. Oh, that's cute. And they exactly had mixers, apparently. And then my dad... What a refined-ass little story. So, I guess like...

Literally my parents met because my dad's friend was dating a lady and my mom was her friend. It was essentially like, dude, you should try and fuck my friends. You should try and fuck my friends. Really? My dad was like, yeah, nice. And here we are. And here we are. They had a good relationship for maybe 10 years and then they stuck it out another 40 after that. Anyway. That's cute though. Film lecture. Yeah.

Oh, so then... And that's how you're made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Like, what happened? Oh, I guess they got married. My mom was like... My mom at the time had gone to Stanford for MBA. So she was trying to like work in finance. Yeah, business bitch all my life. So she's like, okay, well, I'm going to move back to Japan for a job. So you can come. And so my dad was just like...

I don't know, random black guy in the 80s in Tokyo. Yeah, hell yeah. Wow, you have a, there's two, there's a lineage of two just random black dudes from the mid-Atlantic living in Japan for pussy. Yeah.

That's fucking cool. Or love. Yeah, love, whatever. To an extent. Yeah. That's true. That's cute. That's adorable. That's a lovely story. Oh, so you have... That is really nice. I didn't realize it was two separate... Just bringing back two different black guys into Japan. Yeah. I love that. That's awesome. Yeah. That's cool. And then they just stuck around. Stuck around. So they stuck around. So yeah, that's why I was there because my sister and I were both born there. Yeah.

Yeah. And we'd see my grandma a lot when she was living. And then we moved about, we moved to,

a little. We were like in Singapore. This was all for my mom's job. Oh, Singapore. Fourth to sixth grade. Did she do something evil? I'm sure. Yeah. She had a corner office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving around Asia like in the 90s feels like... Yeah, it feels like she was going to like each... Every time a country changed their workers' rights laws, your mom got a new job. Right, right, right, right. Went to a new fucking country. It's like, yeah. Right, that's how we got to go to Bali for vacation. Yeah, yeah.

Actually, my mom has now talked to me more about like experience of being a business lady in Japan, especially, you know, in the early 90s too. Like she would have to go after, she would go out with colleagues after, right? Who are essentially like white or Japanese men. And then...

They would go to strip clubs and stuff and drink like in their business attire. So my mom had this whole life that I didn't understand at all. Your mom's like, yeah, you know, I had to also get something from the panty vending machine. I didn't want to look like a fucking loser. It's all for the company. You could expense it. It wasn't, it was fine. Just gave it away to some guy on the street.

That's awesome. I love that. Is your mom like again, literally, I only know your parents through fleeting Instagram stories. Well, I'll catch it. She'll be in like the corner. But I feel like a small lady. That's so funny to have just like a little little like a little like lady shoulder pads at the strip club with all these animals. Yeah. Yeah. You get so Japanese people get so fucked up.

They get so drunk. It's toxic drinking culture. It's crazy. So it's just like crazy to imagine this lady with two little kids at home just hanging out, like probably getting a little drunk, but you know. So like decorum. My mom is like so about saving face and she's like very formal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's kind of melting away as she's, because she's like 70 now, so she's like kind of turning into like...

something more letting her hair down literally she's like doing a lot of yoga you know yes but i don't know it's just so weird for me to yeah um uh yeah that's awesome i'm here i would have loved that's so fun to think about yeah think about oh that's my rice speaking of japan my japanese rice cooker i was gonna ask you or uh

For the readers at home... The neurofuzzy. Yes, and before the podcast started, Stav was talking about making rice, but I'm curious, like, what grain? What kind of grain? What kind of grain? Short? I'm a long grain guy. I like a basmati. I like a...

Fuck, what's the other one? Jasmine? I think I can smell that it's long grain. It is. It's basmati. I've been on a jasmine kick. For the first time, I bought... You know when you go to Costco and they have an elephant feed bag of rice? Yeah. And I just bought it and I've been working my way through it. I eat rice every day. It's awesome. But yeah, I've been doing that. It's awesome. All I had was this bag of...

Here today I fucked up my planning I was gonna have a nice big I was telling Claire This is great stuff for the pod I was gonna have a nice big Salmon lunch But I dropped my phone On a city bike I had to go back And find it What? It was on the street? That was all today? That was all today Wow you really went through Like several lifetimes I did I worked out I saw him eat some eggs I had to So I didn't have time For my salmon lunch So I had to eat Three hard boiled eggs And a sausage Oh boiled Yeah

Soft boy. Right in the middle. Jammy. Jammy. That's good. You have a favorite egg? Seven minutes, 40 seconds, folks. That's how long you want to do it for. I like a... Over easy. Above... I like jelly. Jelly. Like a little bit coagulated. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. Oh. That's what we're talking about. Okay. Right. No leakage. No leakage. Just before there's going to be... Squish. Just after leakage. No leakage. You got it. Seven minutes, 40 seconds, folks. That's the kind of...

Hashtag the Stavi's Egg Challenge. Show us your jammy eggs. Let's get it trending worldwide. Hashtag no leakage. No leakage. Do you salt them? In the thing or afterwards? No, no. Yeah, cut them in half. Sprinkle a little salt. Do you pickle? I'm just curious. Pickle an egg?

I'll pickle. Do your freaky ass ever pickle an egg? I'm not a pickle that guy, but I'll do some more Japanese shit of like the ramen eggs. Those are so good. I love it. I'll make those too. Yeah. It's good shit. So good. What about you? How about your family? Did they go to Japan? No. My mom was born in the Philippines and then she moved to San Jose. The yay area. Yay area.

For a weight. And then, you know, she grew up. My dad was born in San Jose. Nice. They got together. She was a kindergarten teacher. Nice. For like 30 years. Damn, that's cool. And my dad was a film commissioner for San Jose. Film commissioner? Which is the person who, like, when a location scout for a movie comes to your city and they're like, where can we, where do you, where do we find a house where, I don't know, Flubber would live? Yeah.

And then my dad would be like, this house. And that's how Flubber was filmed in my neighborhood. Really? Oh, you weren't just making up Flubber as a funny example. I would never. I saw Flubber in theaters. I saw Flubber in theaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...

So he did that. His whole job was knowing where houses in San Jose. Yeah. Wow. Or going like, if you want to, you know, you have a farm you want to film something at. My dad knew of all the locations. That's sick. And then at some point he lost that job for reasons I don't fully understand. I mean, it was...

It's crazy he had it for more than like five years. That's not a real, that doesn't feel like a real job. For like a not, you know, San Jose's a big city. Yeah. And it's got all these different places. But it doesn't feel like, like I don't feel like I would have ever thought they shoot enough stuff to have a guy whose job is to tell you where to get. It's not LA. It's not like Atlanta. I think eventually that they realized that it was kind of a waste of the city's.

Hard-earned money. The gravy train ran out. But also, he was a part owner of a small chain of independent movie theaters. Oh, sick. So I got to see movies for free all the time. That's awesome. Which I fully took for granted. Yeah, you didn't realize what you had. Up until today. Yeah. What about popcorn? You get free popcorn? I eat popcorn so...

It's crazy how fast I can eat popcorn. I love it. It's fucked up. Did you have access to the machine as a child, though? No, I didn't have access to the machine. I even applied for this job at the movie theater and I didn't even get it. Wow. Your dad owned it? Yeah. You're the shittiest nepo baby there ever was. You wanted a minimum wage job and your dad couldn't swing it? They didn't even want me to just stand there, which is all you really have to do.

So I just grew up with that. Now they're both dead. Thanks for bringing it up. Fuck, it's not my fault. Yeah, you're right. Except one of them was. You have to guess which one. Yeah, you'll never know. Who was swished to death in Baltimore? How do you say, how did that happen?

What were you even implying that I fell on them? I've not made a flubber. I would, I would suffer injuries as well.

I'm not made of flubber. I wish I was. I'd be able to dunk. I remember that scene. The basketball scene. I remember when he goes in the guy's body. That was like as a kid. Remember that? There was a lot of content for kids about things going inside bodies. Yeah. Osmosis Jones. Flubber. Magic school bus. Everybody's going. Everyone's going in the body. No one's through the colon. No one's coming out. Wait, what do you mean? No one's coming out any of the holes, though.

I think they came out of your nose or your mouth usually. It's like ears or something silly. No one's coming out of pussies or buttholes. They should have. Do you think Flubber should have come out of Robin Williams' ass? Yes. Tickled his prostate on the way out. It's bouncing on his prostate and asshole. That might be the scene. He jizzes Flubber. I think it's the scene.

They tickle his prostate for a way out. They give him the Stifler and Road Trip treatment. The flubber fingers his asshole so he jizzes out flubber and they can escape. It would have been informational. Because you know you grow up and you're like, you don't even think about your asshole and your pee hole. No. And then all of a sudden that's all you think about. Right. Right.

It's like how do you start talking to him about it? All of a sudden, he can't get asshole off the brain. Like, you know how, like, there's material for talking about sperm to kids, like about how life works? It's like, flubber could be, it could demonstrate, it could set you up for thinking about it logistically. Yeah.

You must have, because then you worked with a bunch of little ass, you worked with like rich kids too, right? Yes, yes, yes. So you must have had access to weird little books. And I remember, exactly, because especially if, for example, if somebody, okay, okay, there was this moment, this was in the school I worked at in Brooklyn. So it was two, it was four-year-olds, three to four-year-olds. So the four-year-old, one kid, he had two moms, or he has still, so he has two moms. Oh yeah, I didn't get to them yet. I didn't kill his parents yet.

None of his moms were squished in Baltimore yet. So this kid and his gay moms. What did he say? He said, oh, shit. He was like, sperm. Oh, I know the story. Okay, so a girl had a little brother that was born. So she announced, it has a penis. I don't know if I should say the child's name on here, but you know. It has a penis. And then my co-teacher said, well,

Yeah, some bodies have penises, some bodies have vulvas. And then the kid with two moms chimed in really seriously. And some bodies have sperm. And it's because I realized he has a lot of books about sperm because he has two moms. So they're probably like, we know. They're jealous. Sperm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad is just one sperm of a guy in a magazine. That's a sperm with a mustache. I wonder how you handle that with a little... I guess he knew... I don't know. I don't know because I didn't...

And I had never, that's the big relief. Kids are insane and really funny and very curious about the body, like so many. But they kind of don't get it. When they're young enough, they don't quite, their curiosity isn't peaked so far that they're kind of like, okay, well, sperm just comes out of the body. But they're not really thinking about it. I really don't think. I remember the one thing that I took away from like a sex ed when I was in elementary school was like, yeah, sometimes you pee white stuff and babies come out. Right.

That's what I thought. And I was telling my mom one time, I was like, so I don't know if you know this, but sometimes you pee out white stuff. Mom's like, who taught you this? My mom is so open-minded about everything, but then from that day on, she signed a permission slip where I was not allowed to go to sex ed. Really? It was so weird because my mom is not like that at all. She's not like...

She doesn't, she's a super like liberal whatever. And it was just, she didn't want me hearing about it from, I guess my shitty Baltimore City public school teachers. But it's not like anybody at home taught me. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Maybe, I also think, maybe she just got kind of like, oh, I... Maybe she thought that's what they told you was that they peed. Right.

And they're like, they're not teaching you right. Right, right. And then she goes, let me show you how to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a video. You will find in the entertainment center a video labeled Barney. It is your father's pornography, which is true. He had made a video. He titled Barney. And me and my brothers found it. And it was a spoof porno of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It was called Loose Times at Ridgely High, I believe.

And yeah, that's a great video. Look that up, Eldest. Loose times at Ridgely High. I think we tried on another episode. Oh yeah, we did it when my brothers came on. We actually talked about it. When my dad died, I had to clean out his stuff. And you know, of course, he's an older guy and so he had physical problems.

And he's a film connoisseur. Yeah. So he's got a good library. Like magazine, but then also DVDs. He made the jump to DVD. He didn't have a lot, but he had one DVD and it was a BBW. Hell yeah, respect. Respect. Your father was an ally of the community. Now I regret what I did to him. He's a squid. Yeah. Well, I probably made him cum. He's a...

I didn't know he was into BBW stuff. Damn, BBW, salute. I do remember one time, I never got into DVD was the like, VHS was like just a round from like dads or older, you know, friends, older brothers. Right. And then DVD was like, we were just in that age where it was like,

I'm too young to buy and then by the time you're old enough it's like well internet porn exists yeah there wasn't much of a time it had a real short window yeah but I remember one time this fucking piece I'm still mad at this kid actually a fat Filipino kid uh respect somebody in our CAD uh

I went to a science school, even though I shouldn't have. I should have gone. I know. I mean, I failed at all those classes. But I went to a school where you could have gone to done a lot of engineering stuff.

So I had to take, like, AutoCAD, which is... I don't know. I still don't know because... CAD? I'm coming up on this. CAD? It's like computer something design. Oh, I see. It's like engineering software. Like, they make, you know, I don't know, furniture or whatever the fuck with it. Oh, carry on. Furniture, or, like, they even put out... Look up what CAD stands for. And...

But it turned out, by the way, this guy was computer-aided design. There you go. The guy who taught it was just an old, just a nice old army guy. It was like his public service was teaching at a public school. So you could cheat so easily. So I never learned anything. We took a thumb drive and put it. It was so easy. I just took somebody else's thing. So I didn't learn anything about CAD. But someone left...

Vivid Porno The Vivid Company A whole porn DVD In a computer And Me and this fat piece of shit This other fat piece of shit I won't say his name But we both saw it at the same time And he just got to it It was literally like a little grubby hand off To who could catch the DVD first And he got it And then he would come back and be like Dude

It was a really good DVD. He would taunt me because he got to jack off to the DVD that I wanted to jack off to. I still don't like him for that. He's a nurse now, I believe. He should have been there. Should have been me. I used to work at a video rental store. Oh, nice. And we had a porn section. That does track for sure. We had a porn section upstairs. And that's also where the microwave was. If I ever wanted to... Well, yeah, you got to heat up your pocket, pussy. Me, please.

You don't want an ice cold pocket pussy at lunch. I remember that was the year

that the big Pirates of the Caribbean porn. Oh, I remember that. We watched, remember that Elvis? It was like the most expensive or most, like high production porn. High production porn ever made at that point. That was a big deal. Our friend's girlfriend, our college, our friend, our buddy's girlfriend,

Or maybe her friends. I don't know. We had access to some big college house, and they literally screened this porno. And I remember all of us watching it. Remember that? I think they may have even screened it at the student union at my college. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's what it was. I think we were going to go to that, and then we were like, we don't want to. And then we just put it on somebody's big screen or something. Oh.

Cause I remember watching it at that, at that house and then being like, we're just all laughing, but it's also like, you know, I'm getting hard. Cause it's like, I'm like, damn, this is hilarious. I'm like, damn, this is pretty cool. That's an interesting boy thing. Boys watching porn together. Oh,

Well, this wasn't even that, though. This was like, definitely like, I remember a sleepover. This was like a, ah, what a goof. We're putting on this porno for a party. And I'm like, you know, it's still early in college. I was like, I think I was like 18 when this was happening. 19, something like that. And I was just like, oh, I just actually am horny now. And I'm just like in a room full of people I don't know that well. And my dick is like half hard. And I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to go downstairs. Sitting on the floor. Yeah.

I'm going to go pee white. Like it would have been hard to talk to any women at all and just not horny at the, you know what I mean? Like at that party, I had no confidence, but like throw a half hard and watching Jenna Jameson getting railed and I was useless. I just like went downstairs and smoked weed until my dick didn't even, I was just so fucking high.

What a fu- Oh, dude, college was awesome. Yeah. We got so much pussy. We were so cool. Do you graduate? I actually- I have- I walked-

With a 3.9 GPA, but I need my two language credits. Still? Still, yeah. They let me walk because you're allowed to finish. If you're under a certain amount of credits, they're like, well, who on earth wouldn't get their college degree? And it's like...

Me, baby. My mom, all I needed was my mom to see me in that dumb little cap and gown. That's literally what I went to college for. Yeah. I think you made out well. I think, yeah, yeah. I still get emails. It's a lot better than if you had learned too many languages. I know Greek, which is the funny part. I could have taken a test, but I just was like, who cares? Yeah.

But I still get emails from UMBC that's like, hey, we see that you're almost done your degree. Come on back. Part of me wants to just go back, go to school for like a semester. 20 grand. Go to school for a semester, live in a dorm. Yeah.

Me and Eldest has to come too. Eldest goes to grad school. We get kicked out again for smoking weed again. I get kicked out for smoking weed again. I got kicked out my freshman year for smoking weed. It was brutal. Kicked out of the dorms? The dorms. I was banned from residential...

Yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah, residential life, whatever the fuck it was. That's the crazy, well, for smoking weed in college. 2007, baby. Oh. You know? I guess generationally. Yeah. We got fucked. Yeah, that feels nuts, doesn't it? That feels nuts. Yeah. Fuck them. I still carry a grudge. I know the guy who did it. Really? And I keep tabs on him. Who's he a fat Filipino? He's not. He's a fat Jew, actually. What?

Look, we take care of our own within the plus size community. I have fat enemies of every stripe. It's like the United Nations, you know. Fat U.S. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, whatever. That's interesting.

Yeah. Well, wait, wait. Did you have more? I want to talk about this video store when the pirates came out. Well, that was just like a big deal. I just remember everybody being like, you gotta check this out. It weirdly was. But I heard it wasn't really good. It wasn't good at all. Like not hot? Like not sexy? Not sexy or like... Yeah. It was kind of funny for like five minutes. And then you're like, oh, this is the most expensive porno, but it's still a shitty movie. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's like watching like a mid-tier, like it felt like the production value of like a 2000s Nicolas Cage movie. Remember when he was like in his weird phase where he wasn't, he was just making movies. Yeah. Like National Treasure vibes.

The B-sides of national change. Bangkok dangerous. Privates of the Caribbean. That's awesome, actually. That's perfect. Privates of the Caribbean is great.

Was this after the first movie from the franchise came out? That's just a different porno. Wouldn't that be funny if her tits were real? Yeah, you know, real fake. They look, because they look so fake. Oh, I see, I see. That's a tough time to... GDU.com. I guess... That's a tough time to have gotten big fake tits. Now I feel like technology has really figured that out. Is that true? They look more natural, or they look more... Yeah. Yeah.

You get a real, yeah, you get a real, you get some real, you know, jumblers. Yeah, there's a jiggle. Yeah, there's a real, there's a real life jiggle to them. It's like in this era it was more stationary. Yeah. Right. I feel like Jenna was right in the in-between. It's not the 80s bolt-ons that are like, you know, they look like Legos, like round Legos basically. Do you think that nipples were bigger in the past? No.

I have a theory that nipples used to be bigger. Interesting. Because if you look at, like, 70s titties, the nipples are big. I'll say this. Like, areola. They're big, but also, they were much more open to being photographed soft. Right. Now no one photographs a soft nipple. Now they're all hard nipples. Because I've seen some little nipples. I've seen some little nipples. I love that laugh. Okay.

I'm just like that immediately. But I think also maybe because maybe women were having babies or something. People are sucking on titties less. Babies are sucking on titties less. The first thing was, it said, the thing about nipple size could say about human evolution, it's teen vogue. That's where I get my news. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. I think, I know what you mean. I do think the classics, I've seen plenty of classic like Playboys and, you know, nude things where it's like, you do see a big, first of all, also the titties are conical because I think their bras were shaped like that. Yes, that's a huge point. And I do think maybe that does something to the nip. Yeah. But I also legitimately think like, conical. You will never see, 3.9. Listen, I've thought about titties a lot in my life.

You will never see a soft... No one will send a soft... I remember a girl was like... One time I was like... I don't remember. She was like taking a nude. She was like... I think she said, she's like, hold on, I got to get my nipples hard or something. I was like, just leave them natch. You've got to harden them. What do you mean? How do you... Sometimes they're soft and big. Activate. Sometimes you just like flip. Like to make your nipples hard. I feel like the moment I take my shirt off, it's like... I'm like...

it's under 80 degrees yeah yeah but if it's under 80 degrees if it's 79 degrees interesting interesting turkey's doesn't power his fembot but she had some cool wide ass like i like the soft nipple like and that felt very it felt almost vintage to me which i'm impressed by your point about the bras you sound so elegant like a fashion historian yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's definitely fashion that is the reason that i've thought about this

It's not the like having to beat off the old pornography when I was like whatever I would find. Also maybe like fake tits make nipples look smaller. It's possible. But I know what you're saying. I do think like...

I also think people are self-conscious about nipple size in a way they probably weren't. Before. It's similar to Bush where it's like no one thought about it in the past so you would see more Bush. Yeah, yeah. Whereas no one thought about their nipple size where now I feel like even people with big nipples might only photograph... You got it. Nice. Finally. Do they swing and how big are your nips? Yeah.

Even people with big nipples, like, don't photograph themselves or, like, make sure their nipples look smaller or something like that when they're going to see them. Yeah, whenever. I mean, even, like, that skims bra that has little hard nipples, that's weird. That's more of a, like... That feels so crazy because I just don't think it's that... I'm like, yeah, I'm always operating at some chub. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Half smoke. I'm half staff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's yikes?

I'm flying half staff. Yeah. I think, but everybody's just fine. Some got soft nipples. Some people got soft nipples. Some eternally soft nipples so they have to put on the... Some wives. Like, I remember there was a picture of Cardi. Cardi B accidentally posted...

like her nips on IG or something. Like no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a mistake. And her nipples were humongous. But I think she was like breastfeeding and people were like clowning her or something. Oh, that's so crazy. And I was like, you know what? Those nips look pretty good. Yeah, Cardi B really got hamburger patties as nipples. That's so mean. At least you would have got to see her nips. But I mean, you know, if you got it up. Claps back. Safe searches on that word though. Yeah. Claps back at her and calls her nipples too big.

And to me, great nips. Cardi, if you're listening. We know you are. We know you're a big fan. But that's an interesting theory. That's just my working theory. I guess I'm going to have to look at

vintage pornography and more more you mine images and videotapes from the past half century sounds good create doesn't sound bad to me wow that's an interesting point but i think what i need right now gals is the smoothest cannabis smoking experience possible one second ah yes a beautiful freeze pipe my preferred method of smoking cannabis don't believe me just watch folks

Wow, that's wonderful. Britney and Claire. What do I fucking love about this? Well, folks, what do I love about the freeze pipe? Ignore what just happened. We'll cut around that.

What I love about the freeze pipe is the secret detachable glycerin chambers. What I have right here in my hand right now, you put them in the freezer, they cool, okay? You leave them in there one hour and as smoke passes through, it's instantly chilled by over 300 degrees. That's right, that little cough you heard earlier, that's because I have asthma and I probably shouldn't smoke. But my doctor said, if you're going to do it, use a freeze pipe.

That's right, pal. I want you to get a freeze pipe. You know what? Before you leave, we're handing you one, and you let us know the next time you come on how much you liked it.

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You got to do it. Isn't that right, Eldis? Absolutely. The Freeze Pipe is a wonderful smoking experience. That's right. You heard it from my Albanian producer. Go to thefreezepipe.com, code STAVI for 10% off.

Anyway, I bet you wish you could smoke it, but you haven't earned it yet. Maybe next time. Well, look, we could talk nipple size until the cows come home, but we have some people to help here. You know, we've got two... You've both lived very full lives. You have very interesting perspectives. So let's see, Eldest, what do you got here on some of these questions? And again, let's remind the people what to watch, what we're plugging, the special. Hey, everyone, please check out that...

It doesn't have to be like a... It could be in the flow of conversation. You can just say, oh, yeah, of course. Go to YouTube. Check out, you know. You don't have to look directly into the camera. It's whatever you want to do. Oh, just please watch my special. It's called That Is My Horse. Nice. It's on YouTube. I'm proud of it. Thank you. Please watch it. And an album. Hey, everyone. I go...

My album's coming out May 16th. It's called Everything I Know How to Do. It's got stand-up. I got to do a song on it. And there's some other stuff. Oh, what other stuff? Don't worry about it. Okay. Look into it. Just check it out. She's not going to give it all away. And you did it when you were in San Francisco. At San Francisco. At the Punchline. Oh, cool. Nice. Nice. Good place. Eldest, play us some fucking, play us some questions here, little buddy. Okay.

Hey Stav, what's up? Wow. I love the show. What's up, Elvis? I have a question. I am a four-year-old dude here in Chicago. My wife and I are ethically non-monogamous. Uh-oh. Clear alert. That is, we're swingers. Everything is good. It's not like a we spice things up kind of thing. It's just who we are.

Your identity. But my question is this, you know, we claim to be ethically non-menines, but we pawn our kid off on family and friends. And, you know, they don't know about our sex lives. You know, nobody really knows about the sex lives of other people. But I do feel like I'm taking advantage a little bit when I drop my kid off and my sister's first sleepover and then go and...

That's awesome.

Yeah, I don't know. I love this. I probably can't seem to say, but I wanted to hear the stage wisdom you got. That's all right. I don't think it's a problem. It's like you're going out to dinner, you drop the kid off. Yeah, but, okay, here's the thing. Here's my thing about, this is where it all, this is where this kind of thing always, I think it's cool to fucking suck, do whatever you want.

But at the same time, once you're like... Kids is the thing where it's like, yeah, there's a lot of shit you want to do that you can't do anymore. Like, yeah, if you have a kid, right, you can't get high. Like, I've thought about that, where it's like, if I ever had a kid, those nights where you're like, you put the kid to bed at a night where it's like, oh, if everything goes right, I can get stoned and be fine, but what if that little fucker has to go to the emergency room? You're like constantly on call. You say that, but I've nannied a lot in Brooklyn. Yeah, well... I think... But...

But I understand your point. You know what I mean? But I mean, right. Where I mean, like, you have to you can't be who you want to be.

As much as you want to. Basically, the fun shit you did before kids, whether that's sucking and fucking, getting fucked up, going to, you know, going out to dinner, having a night out. You can do all that stuff, but you have to do it less. And if you're getting your ass eaten is interfering with your parenting, you might have to take it back a couple notches. I have a similar feeling about, like, you know...

You know how you go to a brewery and everyone just brings their kids to a brewery? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because we're outside doesn't mean it's not a bar. Like, you're still bringing your kid to a bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the daytime, but you're still drinking double IPAs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're driving home with your children. Right. It's one thing to go to a little picnic and have a, you know, wine drink and whatever. But it's like, if you're getting fucked up. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too. So.

I think that's interesting because that's a little... For me... Okay, so that's... Right. Like, I thought of that too about bars. Like, when kids are at bars. Like, oh, why do they have to be in this environment that's specifically not for them? I don't mind the kid essentially coming into a bar as long as the parent is like...

you know, responsible about it. Like, it can't be one of those, like, I definitely spent some time in bars. Well, my dad would make, he would build a lot of bars and restaurants. That was most of his business. So I would go to bars with him when I was tagging along at work. And you would see, like, the kid whose dad is just like...

Yeah, here's 25 cents, gonna play Mortal Kombat. And he's just getting fucked up. Like, you can't be that guy. I don't think... You would have to be, again, puritanical about kids being around bars, but as long as... It's about responsibility, the way I look at it. Well, the difference is, in his words, he's pawning his kids off to... So in this case, the kids are in this, like, environment and under some guidance. Yeah, yeah. You know, guidance figures that are like... Like, I wonder...

I think I'm having a hard time seeing it so differently from Claire's earlier point about dinner. So basically his question is... Yeah, what is... It's not even about what... It's the ethical part for him, which is like, I'm lying to these people. He's getting people to cover for him because he's like, ah, I had to get another shift. And him and his wife are fucking some, you know... The ethical part is... Burlesque dancer. Yeah.

100% a big titty. I think the ethical part of the ethical non-monogamy is supposed to be between like... You and your partner. You and your partner and your other partners knowing about each other and all that. It has nothing to do with like your family knowing about it because why would they want to know about your sex life anyway? Sure. But I guess if you are...

It's the thing about like being like get the fuck out of here so I can fuck. If there is an emergency and you're in the middle of getting And you're gagged. Double sucked or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some your mom calls you Your wife is airtight.

Your mom calls you and is like, your son's having an asthma attack because he's a little bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh no. I mean, I don't know. It's kind of like a home alone situation. And I think what it comes down to is, did you see that, Brittany Eldis? Just sit a little closer in.

Wait a minute. You could have just said that to her, Elvis. I know, I figured. Wait, wait, wait. I have two things to say. Sorry, Elvis just gave Brittany a note in the search bar and it didn't really work. I was curious how I was supposed to.

Oh, that's how. That's the chain of command. Yeah. What do you mean? The edge. What edge? Can you help me? Just don't hang over the armrest so much because you're like... Stay within the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said on Claire's lap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in there. There you go. Perfect. Forgive me. So...

You had something, Brittany? I have a couple thoughts here. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. My instinct is that it's fine. I understand. My point is just, it is fine, but I think the pawning off and the like, is he cashing in a lot of like,

Hey, watch my kid because he's horny. Where it's like, you can only, you can only like ask your friends and family to watch your kids so much. To me, it's not, he's not doing anything wrong here. But what I, what I, it just goes back to the general, even dinner or even going to concerts or even like your hobbies. I'm just saying whatever your hobbies are, they will take a hit if you have small children.

And my only point is, is he over is he abusing the like watch my kid thing because he wants he's going on fucking, which is not the fucking is not the problem is that even if it was I have to go practice with my band four nights a week or I have to go whatever. I'm just thinking like, are you overdoing it? And he clearly feels some guilt somewhere.

Right? About this? About pawning them off? Do you feel some guilt about not being with your kid as much? And does he also feel some fucked up way about... I assume when you have a young kid, you're like, who even am I? I know I have friends who've gone through this where they're like, am I just a parent? And then you kind of want to really cling on to your identity. And my point is...

You're not going to be what you were before the kid. But you're something new. But you don't have to be like just the person who spends all day with your kid either. I have a few thoughts. I feel like there's variables. One is, did he specify they're young? I mean, they sound young, right? He said four, right? Then I'm wondering, is he the kind of... He's 40? Oh, I thought the kid was four. Whatever. He's a 40-year-old dude in Chicago. So I'm kind of like...

That could imply that the kid could be young, right? Like a little, maybe there's like a, the variable is like age. Is there like a factor? Like after eight, is it like,

would he feel less? Can we also be all, sorry. Even if it's not young, then it's like, it is fucking weird. If your parents are like, Hey, gotta go suck off uncle Scotty. See you later. It does something weird to a kid. I have a friend whose parents were like this. Like you basically, you do have to, your hobby of sucking and fucking when you have kids, you do have to think about how that's going to affect the kid. Of course. It's all I'm saying. Uh,

My other thought is like, well, do you think he's the kind of person that's kind of like... I don't know if you Venmo a family member, right? That feels weird. But I mean like a friend or like do you buy them dinner? Like I'm wondering to what extent. And would he feel more... Would he feel less guilty if it was in fact something like playing...

practicing with a band or going rock climbing or whatever. I think band would be worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No one's even coming. You're not going to make it. You're not going to feed your family. Yeah. I think I'm just wondering how often it's happening. Right. This whole thing. I'm just like exhausted. Like this life sounds exhausting. Totally. Having a child and being non monogamous and swingy.

It's a lot. So that's what I'm saying is like... Too much. I even... Like, to me, I don't get... Like, I see the appeal of... Jealousy stuff aside, I see the appeal of like being in an open relationship if everybody's cool with it. To me, the hardest thing is not even like the jealousy stuff. It's the like...

Isn't the point of being in a relationship you like that you don't have to go on first dates? You don't have to keep meeting. Like you're locked in. You get to do other shit now. You're like happy. That's how I, you know, to me, like, you know, I hooked up with somebody who was in an open relationship and

And she was like on Tinder constantly. And it's like, that part of being single sucks. I mean, I don't care. I got the smash, whatever. It's all good. So it sounds like everything's working out for you. For me, it was great. But what I'm saying is like, what's the point? What's the point of doing... To me, that's my hang up with it where it's like you're in a relationship, but then you just voluntarily get to also act single sort of. Some of the bad parts of it. But then...

Anyway, that's... I would like to get your take. I think it's a different kind of... But anyway, that was just a digression to the main point of like, that seems like too much. And then you throw that in plus having a kid. And it's like, to me...

And, you know, everybody knows I'm no prude. But to me, this is like, brother, you can't be a swinger to this degree. This is like the shit you pick up after your kid's gone, in my view. That's why most swingers are typically, like, retired. The kids have moved out. Exactly. Like, even if you're pawning people off, it's like, eventually they're going to figure this out. We had our buddy, Sam, who did the...

Telemarketers doc. Really fucking awesome. His parents were...

All open and swingers. And they would just bring friends over and fuck them. And you know how weird it feels when your roommate... Remember when you have your roommates fucking someone? You're like, I just really wanted to watch fucking TV. I didn't want to hear you fuck through the walls. I feel like a kid shouldn't be doing that. Imagine if that's your fucking dad. Well, maybe the idea is that he's worried about frequency. Because to your point, it's like...

What if they just did it fewer times? Like once a month. Yeah. Treat yourself every once in a while. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Ice cream took a long time. And then the other... Ice cream took a long time. A freeze? They were freezing it today. Well, the other thing though is... So there's that aspect. And there's also...

How would his friends and family feel if it's like, hey, man, I'm here doing you a solid because I thought you needed me to, you know, you just needed some time, whatever. Does he feel guilty lying to his family, basically? And that's not a sex thing at all. That's a pure, like, your relationship with your family thing, which is a whole other aspect of this. That's a whole other thing.

But anyway, dial it back a little bit. And then once the kid really knows what the fuck's going on, it's special occasions, bro. It's kind of just like, don't bring it home when the kids are home. Exactly. That's too confusing. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much for a kid. Yeah. So anyway. Yeah. Be safe. Have fun. It also feels like I'm excited to be less horny. Like, I'm just like...

Being an old guy in a rocking chair seems awesome. Yeah. When my penis has no control over me, I can't wait for that. It's going to take a long time. I don't know. I've fucked enough old guys to know that. Yeah, but... It's going to take a while. It's going to be like it has to not be functioning. Well, that's... Even that. It's not like my dick really gets hard that much. It's not like my dick's getting hard half the time. Yeah, actually, a lot of times.

Yeah, what do you thought? You just said you fucked up old guys. I know you've sucked some three-quarters hards. They've never gotten, they've never fully come to life. It's the best part. That's awesome. All right. You got it, buddy. Fuck you. Next question.

We'll talk about being ethically non-monogamous another day. Yeah. I literally want to have more people. Nice study, Elvis. That'd be so funny. So I'll start with some background information. Thank you. I was in a long-term relationship from about 2018 to 2022, and it was a fucked relationship. He was addicted to drugs. It was tough. But eventually my family helped me get through the breakup, and it was one of those situations where it was kind of like,

Nice. Nice.

committed suicide probably about a year ago and it's it's completely like turn my life over me up go into therapy for it but i have nightmares i'm truly haunted by this person and it's something that i just feel so weird talking to my current boyfriend about we're in a serious relationship but i i just feel like i can't talk about it and it's changed me i feel like a different person

Like, I'm just haunted by him. His family's blamed me for it. And I just don't know how to tell, like, my current boyfriend. Like, I do think about my ex every single day. Like, I have so much guilt. Like, I feel like I killed him, especially by getting in such a serious relationship right out of it. So I don't know. I'm just, I'm struggling. It's something that's on my mind all the time. And I don't know what to tell him when he's like, hey, are you okay? And that's like, no. Yeah.

I'm currently going through when I have my action. I'm suffering from guilt, so I don't know. Should I talk to him about this or just keep the silent thing of going to therapy, just working on myself? I got thoughts. Let me know. Thank you. Oh, by the way, I do have pretty great tips. Nice. Lord have mercy. Respect. Thank you.

At the end of the day, she knows what's on the show. Give a little something for Papa. I was feeling pretty down, but you kind of pet me back up at the end and now I'm ready to go. Now I'm thinking about it.

I was zoning out. Oh, no. No, no, no. Go ahead, Claire. Well, the boy I lost my virginity to when I was 16, when I broke up with him, he would threaten to kill himself all the time, and he tried to, like, drink himself to death. And for a long time, I blamed myself for this guy trying to hurt himself. And it took a long time for me to be like,

No, people make choices. Of course. On their own. I only have so much effect on what another person is going to do to themselves and how they think about themselves. And I think you just got to remember, absolutely not your fault. Yeah. At all. No, truly, 0%. That was another person's thing, probably.

Probably didn't even have to do with you. And like, it's never your fault. In fact, I think you should feel angry, if anything. Yeah. Because what this fucking guy has done is even if he knew that he had this going, he weaponized the feeling he probably already had. He knew he's a bad... Honestly, you know, I feel his way too because I've had...

people in my life have threatened this kind of thing. People in my family have done this kind of behavior. And it's so selfish to do that because either they manipulate you into getting what they want or if they do go through with it, which is what's happening with you, they've almost made it so that you'll feel guilty even though it's clearly not your fault. And of course it's natural for you. You're clearly an empathetic person. Clearly there was a...

some kind of fucked up connection between you and this type of person. Like this kind of guilt clearly works on you. So it's like, it's, it's not your, it's like a, you know, your pathology thing that's really fucking you up. So you shouldn't feel ashamed of a natural reaction, but it, it,

It truly isn't your fault. And it's fucked up of anybody to do this when they know that you probably feel this. And his family can really go fuck themselves. That makes me so sad. Also, so my... What I'm wondering about is, like, has her current boyfriend made her feel... Like, to what extent is it she's feeling like she's not comfortable talking about it to her boyfriend versus he has...

Showed that he's uncomfortable talking about other relationship stuff for him. You know, I'm talking about like is this completely all in her head? Yeah. Yeah versus is it like the current guy who's been like, oh, I don't really feel comfortable talking about him or an ex thing I'm just wondering from from what I can tell It seems like it's such a it's been such a fucked up thing for her. It's just a burden. It's such a burn. Yeah, and

And I don't know. I mean, I'm curious to know what you guys think. But to me, it does feel like the kind of thing. Well, first of all, obviously go to therapy and obviously talk to an actual trained professional about this. Right. No matter how great your tits are. You know, even if they don't care that you have big jumbos.

Even if they don't, they know a thing or two. Look, they are to treating this program what I am to thinking your tits are awesome, right? But I also do think my inclination is

You should, like, there is some, I feel a lot of, like, shame stuff coming off or a lot of, like, guilt stuff. And I think talking to your current, the person you're currently with about this, like, you are, you know, it's a huge burden. It's a huge secret that...

You've made it a secret, which it shouldn't be. It's a tragic thing that someone did to you. Like, you are the victim in this situation. Somebody threatening to kill themselves, then doing it, and then people in their life blaming you and trying to really make you feel like shit. People are acting fucked up to you. You did nothing. You have nothing to hide, nothing to feel bad about. And going to people that you're... This isn't... This is like... You're not thinking about... You're not talking about an ex-girlfriend

To a current boyfriend. The way it's like. Oh we always went on vacation. You're not like. Talking about. This isn't the kind of stuff that would. Should threaten somebody. This is just like. Like if your ex. Fucking. Stole your car. And totaled it. You would complain. Like.

to your current partner about it. Like, this is a bad thing an ex has done to you. And even though, you know, it obviously is more complicated than that because they're dead, but, like, you should feel comfortable, I think, to bring this up and to be like, hey, this is a really fucked up situation. I've been to therapy about it. I felt weird because I didn't want you... I didn't want it to feel like I was hung up on this person.

but I'm, I am fucked up about this. This is, this might take me a while to get through. So if you ever see me zoning out and being sad, that's what it is. Yeah. I think that's how you have a dramatic event. He could support her better. Probably. If you flip it, like if I was dating someone, they were going through this, I would want to know, especially those like weighing on them. I would feel like weird not to know, you know, not to add a, another layer of guilt for her, but of course. Yeah. Hey,

Hey, you're kind of rude. I ordered WrestleMania and you're bringing this fucking shit up again. The Rock is back, you fucking bitch. We'll talk about it tomorrow. You know, like, yeah, exactly. I feel like even her just talking about it with her partner, like, just letting it out into, like, your daily life will also help you see, like, how...

You know, absurd it is to think that like it is your fault in any way. Of course. Because it's really not. Yeah, you need perspective from the people who you care about the most and who care about you the most. And the family thing, his family, like clearly they're, I don't know, they're, oh, I imagine for them, it's like they're,

They need something to blame. They need like an element to blame. Instead of clearly whose fault it is. His family. He's not his family. So, you know. I know, dude. Not your fault. Not your fault. Work towards talking to your partner, but also like other people in your life.

If you were going through any other trauma, you would be leaning on your boyfriend and your family, whatever. So look at it that way. Try and free yourself from the guilt. Talk to your therapist about it, you know, about maybe working towards it. But definitely, I think anybody, anybody that you have a real connection to would want to know about this. They don't want to be kept in the dark. They don't want to just be like, you know.

Thinking nothing's wrong. Sorry about that, but you know, consolation prize, you have fat tits. Next question, Elders.

We don't know if they're big. She just said nice. She said great and nice. Great. Which I guess she probably knows what Stavros likes. And you're right. Great kids don't have to be humongous. I've seen a nice pair of little ass titties. So if they're little, that's also a consolation prize. I trust you that you know that your tits are good. Next question, LD.

Hey, Savi. Big fan. Big fan. Thanks, dude. So I'll cut right to the chase. I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half now. It's a great relationship. Best relationship I've ever had. Nice. There's one issue, and it's that her pussy really stinks. Oh, come on. Like, I've tried to go down on her a few times, and I just can't do it. I gag.

And so I lie to her and I tell her I'm like, oh just I don't like eating pussy pussy makes me like Yeah, all the time Yucky

He's like, this is eating me up. I have to pose as a guy that doesn't eat pussy because my girlfriend's shit reeks. This is killing me, Stav. All right, let's hear him out, I suppose. All the time, like, I just don't like eating pussy. That's not true. Like, I've been in other relationships, and I love to eat pussy. It's just her state. And so I don't know how, I mean... You're an ass-ass eating pussy. That's crazy. I don't know how to approach that subject. Um...

I wanna do right by her, I wanna, you know, make her feel good. I wanna do right by you, baby. I know she wants me to eat her out more often than I do. 'Cause, I mean, seriously, we've been together a year and a half and it's been less than five times. I just can't get myself to do it. And I always have some dumbass excuse and I'm tired of making them. I wanna be real with her because I love her. I wanna do right by her, so... I appreciate any advice you give me. And go fuck yourself.

He's coming to us hat in hand, just wants to do right by his woman. Aw, shucks, mister. Do you have any deep pussy stinking tonic so I can take it back to my missus?

I don't know. What if it's just chemistry? Like, what if it's off for him? And then she's... That could definitely be it. I don't know. Or maybe since she started fucking you, you're stinking. Maybe she is. You're stinking. Her pussy's stinking. That's possible. But, yeah, that's a bummer. Have you encountered any stinky pussies or what do you do? Yeah, you have. Yeah. But I think it's...

It's like a day to day. No, yeah. Day to day. You've encountered stinky pussies. I have, but not, I mean, honestly, not that crazy. Not the, you know, the majority. You know what is stinky? The part of like the sweaty, if someone's been like, you know, working out.

But this is a year and a half. Let's just take him for what he's saying. Is it possible that we're dealing with a medical thing here? Yeah, 100%. Because of course you come across as somebody who just needs to wash. But what if it's not that? Are we sure he's not eating her asshole on that day? Yeah. Is there any shit coming out of her pussy? Now are you open

Just once. Can you double check it's not her asshole? He needs his glasses. Well... Yeah, let's talk. Listen...

I'm here to listen. I'm here to learn. I don't know. It could be a pH. Are you feeling okay? Put a pH strip in her pussy? I think what you're saying, though, is true. Sometimes people just don't taste good to each other. I believe that. I think pheromones-wise. You know, cilantro, some people can't do it. Maybe her pussy's cilantro. It's crazy they've gotten this far and he finds the pussy smell weird. Because, yeah, sometimes, like, you know.

I feel like somewhere out there, there's a guy for this girl that her pussy just tastes neutral to him. Totally. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So they're not meant to be? You're saying break up with her? I mean, yeah. If you think your girl's pussy smells funky, like, that's probably a sign, man. But what if she was fucking at a different disability, Eldest? You know, what if she's a fucking... Yeah, she's got a...

What if she's got a medically stinky pussy? You're telling me she'll break up with her if she's in a fucking wheelchair? What if her pussy is sort of dying faster than the rest of her body or something? That's true. That's true. It's like that movie Jack. Her pussy's aging. Her pussy's aging.

at an unsustainable rate. I just, I feel bad for this situation. Of course. Because I've been, I've had a stinky pussy and I, yeah, I figured it out. You did? And I've eaten stinky pussy and I figured it out. Right. I think it all depends on how much love is there. Do you think he can love his way through? I don't think this guy can. No, no. I'm feeling like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's calling. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just sexual health professional stuff. Five times in a year and a half is insane. Also, that's fucking crazy in a relationship. That's why I feel like it's down to their chemists, like literal chemistry, because people can be, it can be day to day where I'm like, I feel like,

Unless somebody's really had an off pH for so long. That just feels long. It feels like there's something more innate, which is tough. Like I like parsnips, but sometimes parsnips taste really strongly of ammonia to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I don't know if I'm going to quit parsnips. Yeah. But I'll just be a little bit careful. I can really relate to that.

You can. But if there's a very rank... But if there's a really rank Parsnip... Interesting. I'm like...

Solidarity. I don't know. My status is chemical. That sucks. I hate when that happens. Because, like, have you ever, like, been really into somebody and then their bad kiss starts? Yes. And that's really sad. You can't get past it. That's brutal. You can't get past it. Honestly, you can't be with that person. Or if they have bad breath or something. It's really sad. Or even like a, yeah, you just don't click at all sexually. Oh.

And you have chemistry and everything feels the right thing. And then it's just like, ah, this sucks. So, I don't know. You might just have a good friend on your hands here. I don't know. He says he's the best relationship he's ever had. How old is he? How old did he say what he didn't say? Is it completely out of their own possibility that she has some kind of stink, rotten pussy disease?

What do we think? No, it's not out of the pocket. But how do you even bring that up to someone? How do you broach it? He could act like it was the first time he noticed it. I think if you really love this person, you should tell her the truth. They're like, hey, I want to... You're right, but it's so funny to just sit someone down and be like, shit smells bad. Go to the doctor. I think you can be like, how's everything feeling?

There. Because your butt is your pussy smell to you. Do like the Pepsi challenge. Your butt was like... Here's cinnamon. Here's your pussy. It's like...

I heard a story once about a girl. I think it was somebody who told it in their stand-up where she had left a tampon in her pussy and forgot about it. How about my friend? Someone went down on her and threw up because it smelled so bad. And she's like, I don't know what's going on. And it turned out to be a very old

How the fuck do you do that? Because you can just kind of lose stuff in there. Really? It happened to my friend and she was in a relationship. And so I guess what happened is that the guy was like,

Whoa, and he opened the windows. And so it was enough. No, this is a different person. No, this is my friend who's not in comedy. Open the windows. This man rented an industrial fan. Like it flooded and he's trying to get fucking, not moss, mold out of his fucking basement. Did a rat die under the couch?

I think in that situation it was so unusual. That's unusual. That it was kind of funny. Let's get a cross breeze going. Your pussy smells so bad. I need a wind tunnel to get this out. I would look into something being stuck up there. For a year and a half? For a year. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. It's been a long time.

Yeah, I mean... You gotta tell her. Does this happen after she showers, too? That's the ultimate thing. If she's fresh from the shower and her pussy tastes weird or whatever, smells bad to you, it's either the chemistry thing or a medical thing. It's one or the other. That's my only piece of science that I have left. Like cotton...

I feel like he has to tell her he has nothing to lose. Because if he doesn't, this relationship just can't work for any longer. He's grossed out by his girl's pussy. Not a recipe for success. Fucking her with a clothespin on his nose. I once dated a guy who really didn't like eating pussy. And when he went down to do it, he would do this.

Oh my god. No. I could see him like prepare and rinse and like. Yeah. You gotta have your, you have to get your, you have to eat your veggies. That's so not hot. How long did you date this guy? Too long.

That's a like three times max situation. I guess you didn't believe in yourself at the time. I didn't? Yeah, you didn't. No, no, I really didn't. Then I cut him loose. Nice. I'll find a guy who gets in there. A guy gets in there, has a nice size penis. All right, well, look, tell her, I guess, you know, whatever. We've talked about this enough. Tell her I said to tell her. You got to bring it up. You got to bring it up. You got to just be like, look.

Love is love. There's something going on here. And be like, I think you're so sexy. You know, all that. This is the best relationship I've ever been in. I love you so much. I want to eat your pussy like crazy. But the stank is stopping me. How do we get this to stop? Because I'm going crazy not eating pussy.

I've presented myself. I'm a fraud. I've presented myself as a man who doesn't like to eat pussy. Unfortunately, that's not what's going on. I've been lying to you. I've been lying to you this whole time. I love eating pussy. You should. It's bad. All right. Good luck, pal. That would be devastating. Can I go pee real quick? Sure. Sure.

We're pretty close. How long have we been going, LD? 143. Oh, nice. Yeah. We'll do one more, maybe. What's the story behind this guy? Custom made? You know, not custom made. You can get it online. Cute. Yeah, we were just looking for stuff to fill out the aesthetic, and we wanted to celebrate large bodies. Absolutely. And maybe if we move into a bigger studio, we will...

We should get my body molded. There's those statues in certain museums that are like founding fathers that are bronze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to do it. That'd be awesome. That would be great, actually. It's an afternoon. You're standing. That would be great. Some power stance. That would be fucking awesome.

Or I'm just like... Clay. Hmm. We'll have to figure it out. But I do like it. Yeah. I do like it as a concept. Fuck, I'm fucking hungry. I guess we'll just wait till Claire gets back. Any more Japanese shit you want to talk about? Can I have a prompt? Nope. Any more Japanese shit? You went to Japan. I did go to Japan. I liked it. Um...

Very orderly. And where were you in Japan? Were you in Tokyo? Tokyo. I mean, I will say it does feel like the kind of place that's just allowed to be racist. Yeah. I have a lot of thoughts about that. You're just like, oh, no, you can't. They'll smile. They'll be like, no, only Japanese people are here. In fact, like, I have a memory of my dad not being served by, it was like a chicken truck. And then they, like, didn't. Well, that's. Yeah. I'm going to sit that one out, actually.

I'm going to let that one pass by. Do you want to speak to that? No. Keep talking. It's bad business. All right. These guys are allergic to money? And it was with my Filipina nanny. But anyway, Japan's really racist. I think that things are evolving now as like more, there's more like mixed Japanese people in the public eye. But the point is that they don't have like,

To my understanding, legally, like they don't have, you know, we have anti-discrimination laws because of like out of necessity. Right. Yeah. Like in response to stuff. Japan as a small homogeneic like island nation does not structurally have. No. Like you can't bar someone. So I think that.

Oh, there's a lot. And also, like... Oh, well, I think that now, as for... It's, like, hard to get, you know, citizenship to if you're not of full Japanese descent. It's, like, and... But there are, like... I feel like the face of Japan is evolving. So, for example, I have, like, two thoughts about this. One is that more... Kind of recently...

on those pageants, like beauty pageants, like global beauty pageants. One year, Miss Japan was half black and then there was a big pushback on Twitter. And then the following year,

Mr. Pan was actually half Indian. So like in some... You got Naomi Osaka. That's huge. Yeah, that's huge, right? Rui Hachimura. You do have like big athletes. Yeah, athletes who, you know, and athletes like present some kind of honor or whatever. For sure, yeah. And I just remembered something, which is my mom always tells me that my dad, when I was born, the nurse, the people at the hospital asked him, oh...

They thought he was either an athlete or a jazz player. Damn, that's classic racism. That's awesome. That's hilarious. Filipinos, I feel like, are kind of the coolest. Filipinos are kind of just breakdancing all over the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. They feel like Asians that wish they were black or some even say they are black.

Which is a little much. For some reason, people say that. I don't really want to get into that. Because I am a pretty white, white person. I see, I see. Have you been there? The Philippines? No, but I really want to go. I want to go. Her mom was there setting up a sweatshop. Yeah, literally.

No, it was for my mom's work. Yeah, well. Yeah. It was my work and I was, you know, tagged along. I would really like to go. Where my people are from is around like Boracay, which is like the nice, what do we call it? Resort-y. Oh, yeah. I want to go too. Yeah, it looks nice. I'm a big beach guy. I like the food. I like all that shit. I love the food.

Yeah, it's a big, it's a long ass trip. I think the politics over there are kind of funky right now. Oh yeah, there's a guy. There's like fascists or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's not like fascists or whatever. Duterte. Yeah, oh true. I wish I knew more about the world, but all I know is that I'm in it and I'm looking good. Yeah, that's right. Get those big nips out here. My pussy smells normal today.

Normal pussy, big nipples. The dream. The Filipino dream. Filipino fascism. Play us out with a nice, fun question here, Eldest. Hey, Savi. Loved your show in Austin, Texas. Thanks, dude. Love your show. Love you, Eldest. And hello, Jess.

I have a simple problem, and it actually relates to you, Eldest, and you, Savvy. So I was wondering if you had any advice on writing a toast, man. I have my brother's wedding in September later this year, and I just, I know some things to write. I'm not a comedian, but how do you write a meaningful yet lighthearted, you know,

jokey toast. I'm gonna be speaking in front of about like a hundred people. It's gonna be crazy. And I need to have something prepared to write. Really nervous about it and wondering if y'all have tips.

Love you guys so much. Bye. Did you toast? Did you do a speech? I was the officiant. I'm officiating my sister's wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few months. Yeah. So... I did his and I did Christina's. Our friend Christina. Oh, cool. Take two of my best. We were roommates together. We were really close. My big dick husband officiated a wedding. Oh, yeah. Wes. It was Wes' wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were on together. They did the podcast together. Wes and Nick. Yeah. It's kind of a hard thing to do, I think, writing a toast. Yeah.

I don't, you know, I think it's kind of easy to be honest. I actually have like a thought. It's like. I think there's a formula, but go ahead. There's a formula. And this is like to that point. So, you know, a basic joke structure is like thing, thing and surprise thing or a more escalated thing. You could write a million of that and those are jokes and there's a surprise element and it feels like. You don't want to overdo it though. That structure. Sure, sure, sure. Okay. If you're this guy. You can do two. Yeah. No. What's that?

Like you're like, you're like, you don't want to overdo it. And you're about to say like, if you're this guy, like not, not even just you're this guy. Like even, it's not like I fucking roasted eldest for 10 minutes. Right. It was like,

I hit him hard in the beginning. It's almost like you want one big one. Hit him hard in the big. You want one opening. You want something funny, which you want to roast your friend a little bit in a nice way. You want to be complimentary of the partner to an incredible degree, right? You want to be complimentary of their union. Even if you don't think these kids are going to make it, pretend, right? This shit is not about...

telling hard truths. This is like being funny in a this is my best friend sort of way. Like roast him. Talk about how a really fun thing you could do is talk about how an easy joke in a situation like this is like what a mistake she's making in a fun little way. Like I can't believe even after like I had a joke about how

I knew she, I knew Eldest's wife loved him because she was roommates with me for a year. Like she put up with being roommates with me, Eldest, and another one of our friends. I was like, oh, this girl's in, you know, and that crushed and like, and so you just want to, I think you want to hammer one fun, funny joke. It's just something funny to break the ice, you know, set the tone. Don't be afraid to just speak like to hit people with a lot of, um,

To be sincere, it's a wedding. You don't have to be ironic. You don't have to be detached. This is just positive. You want to be really, you know, talk about how happy you are for them. And then I would say you want one up top.

near the end, but you don't even want to close with a joke. You want to close with something sincere, super sincere and sweet. And then, you know, and then maybe in the middle you want to throw in another. And ultimately, I'm assuming the friend asked him, right? So he can like lean into that. Remember that, you know, yeah, like he trusts him. It's like he's close to him. He can be he can like carry that. I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. I say hit him with the Webster's dictionary.

The fine's marriage. The fine's love. Between my dumb brother. Did you get to punch up your husband's officiating? Did you riff with him about it? No, I didn't riff with him about it, but he did a good job. He did a good job. I thought he did a good job. Awesome. It wasn't too funny. Exactly. But it was just funny enough. You just want to be a little funny. And I think, especially people who aren't...

Like, I think people who think they need to overdo it, they think they need to make it a roast battle. Yeah. That's not what it is. It's like, this is about, here's the other thing to remember. The audience, think about the person you have to make laugh is your, the bride's grandma.

Like that lady needs to laugh at everything. You can't have a joke that's off color even to her. Like those are the people that are the Arbors. It is like you kind of have to be funny and sweet and whatever. And you can be a little edgy tongue in cheek, but no cursing, no like, oh, this guy used to bang whores. I can't believe. Like don't do any of that shit. No referencing Anchorman or anything like that. Just keep it normal. Yeah.

Try a nice, focus on a nice opening joke and then a little, maybe a middle joke and then end on something sweet. Definitely end on something super sweet and how about happy you are. And also big compliments to the bride for sure. Especially if you're, since you're on the, you know, the groom side and vice versa if you were on the bride side, big compliments to the groom. People like that. They love it. They love it. I'm officiating my sister's right in a bit and I want to, there

they're both 5'4 and I want to address this in some way up top but then I guess what I was thinking what are these the fucking cake toppers when did the fucking bride and groom get here laughing

Oh, man. Well... Yeah. You got some good stuff. Well, anyway, yeah. But in my head, I was like, okay, the trajectory has to be ending in sincere or sweet. For sure. But then the whole time, to be like... To remember it's your... It's like your baton to hold. Like...

the belt, like, ask not for whom the belt holds, the belt holds for thee. Yeah, yeah. You know? Totally. It's like, you should feel in charge, be self-aware. If...

it feels awkward or nerve wracking to speak in front of that many people just kind of laugh about it. It's fine. And, and think about it's the context of this too, right? You're one of a few toasts. I'm sure. You don't, you know, you don't want to think about, you know, you don't have to be the most sincere guy. That's the, you know, father of the bride or the mother of the whatever. Like you're, you're there to be kind of lighthearted fun, but still even within that, um,

The funniest guy at one of these things, the funniest person at one of these things shouldn't just be funny. It should be 30% funny, 70% everything else. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Yeah, even though you have a questionable taste in comedy. You didn't tell us how big his tits were. I don't appreciate that.

All right. Well, I think that's going to do it for us. Thank you. Thanks for coming. This was a very fun episode. Thanks for having us. Listen to the album. Watch the special. We'll link to all that stuff. Give us a nice review. Do whatever on Stavi's World. Subscribe. And we will see you guys next time. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.