#75 - Marie Faustin and Derek Gaines
01:43:01 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOP. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We have a panel of returning champions here. We have Marie Faust and Derek Gaines. Thanks for coming back, bros. Of course. Thanks for bringing me back to Greece. You want to sublet? You want to sublet the office? I would die here. This folds out, you know, we have a nice little... Wow. You just sleep here. You got a shirt? Yeah.

Insurance or health care? Insurance. What kind of? Rent or something? Yeah, something. No, if I had to stay. So you think when you rent a place, they also give you insurance? Where do you live? I'm from a different world. I'm from a very blessed world of South Jersey. Do you live in Mount Sinai? No.

I meant to say health care. You're describing a homeless shelter. Where's the soup line? Where's the soup line? Is there free bread every day? Yeah, I got oat milk here.

I love it. I could see. Because I definitely could see you, because you put on some fits that are so wild that it could be the first day of homelessness. Oh, yeah. Where it's still clean. Oh, yeah. But it feels like, oh, this guy, maybe he's down on his luck kind of thing. You could, by accident, wander into a homeless shelter. Oh, yeah. It's my first day. First day of homelessness. Yeah. You put together a couple stuff. It's clean. Yeah.

It's warm, you know. I always put on this hoodie so I was wondering if I could get some soup. Yeah, exactly. I spent a whole moment getting a hoodie and I need some soup. Couple stains, you know what I mean? You're good to go. He's the only guy that folds his clothes. Yeah.

I'm sleeping, but I ain't going to crease it. Iron with a pan. Yep. So no, no insurance, but you know, you're welcome. You guys are welcome to stay.

Thanks for coming all the way from Brooklyn. I know it's difficult. I was in the car like, do I even like Star Wars this much? Bro, you live deep out. You live deep, queen. My driver saw the address and he sighed. He said, he's going to get everybody back home.

He went through the whole family tree and then we got here. Yeah, that's good. Gives him a lot of time to make calls. And you know how, like, I mean, y'all are men, but sometimes the driver will wait for me to get in before they drive away. This guy was gone. Not this time. Because of my shoes. He was pissed. Bitch. All the way up. God damn. A lot of great stuff while you guys are here. Make a day of it, you know. Go get some Greek food. Check out the visionary art. What is it? The museum? Uh,

MoMA PS1. Oh, and MoMA PS1. Museum of the Moving Image, very close to here. You know, they have a great Jim Henson exhibit. Oh, the Muppet Baby guy? Yeah, yeah. I'm just pitching this neighborhood to them. Fuck you guys. Derek and Marie, why don't you quiet down for a second? I have something important to tell the listeners and you, as a matter of fact. Do you want to win your Mother's Day this year?

Do you two want to be the best siblings in the family? Do you want to win Mother's Day, dear listener? Well, you can do that with Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames, little motherfuckers.

Look at that. Look at this cute guy. Look at these two cute guys over here with Aura Frames. Right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. That's A-U-R-A frames slash Stavi. Use code Stavi at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply.

We have Trader Joe's. Whoa, you got a Trader Joe's? Yeah. Trader Joe's. Damn, what the fuck? Yeah, which I got. Just Kifu? Yeah, honestly, that is kind of bullshit. Isn't there a Trader Joe's LIC? Long Island City, yeah. Let's start with more completely New York-specific stuff to really turn off 95% of the listening audience. Where's the biggest chunk of your audience from? Oh, I don't know. Should we run the analytics? Let me see the graphs. We'll do 12% New York. Okay.

11% LA. 17% Oklahoma. I don't think I'm big in Oklahoma. You're big everywhere.

You know what? Actually, in Oklahoma, I actually, I did a casino gig there and I was like, damn, I'm a fucking piece of ass in Oklahoma. You petite. I was literally like, I was like, damn, there's three t-shirt sizes above mine here when you go to a gift shop and I'm like, I'm a medium effectively. Yeah.

When 2X is just, they're just getting cooking. Yeah, absolutely. I did a horrible casino. I mean, thank you to the gig. I was opening for Bobby. It wasn't really my gig. The lady who did it was nice, but man, it was like, everyone was fat as hell and it was like, and it was like old people with their oxygen tanks fucking gambling. Did they pull up in the little carts?

Yeah. Really tough stuff. They be parked outside. They tethered a cart outside the showroom. I've done Atlantic City plenty. Atlantic City's old. All them silver foxes. Yeah, man. It's tough times. Have you ever been to Oklahoma? Anybody here in Oklahoma? No. No, I went to Tulsa. Tulsa. Yeah. Everybody that came to see me, though, was slim. Oh, okay. You got it.

That's my demo. We don't need to run the analytics. I didn't say it was my fan base. I said they were in the casino. Yeah, if people stop booking me, they're like, sorry, man, we got to get new chairs every time you perform. We got to fucking ruin stuff. If the show's not wheelchair accessible, it's canceled.

When my parents were still married, I lived in Oklahoma for like six months. Oh, interesting. When I was a baby. A little ass kid. So you've got some Oklahoma. You've got some Oklahoma in you. Yeah, there was an Air Force base on Oklahoma. Oh, okay. And I was there. And when they divorced, no more Oklahoma. Damn. Sound like you want to unpack the divorce. Yeah, what's going on? Everything all right, man? No, to be honest, I'm a product of a good divorce. Okay. Product of a really good divorce. Both my parents are engineers. So...

I've been pretty much spoiled my whole life. Okay, rich. Okay, four Christmases. Super Bowl, every Christmas. Super Bowl, every fucking Christmas. Who won? Who would win? My mom, because she hated my pops. So she was like, no, no, no. I'm always getting some gifts. Anything he don't get, I'm going to get him. What was the best one? Do you remember? Is there like one that stands out? I remember one year. There's two different ones.

One year, I thought I opened every gift, but my mom hid an entire basketball court behind the tree. A court? A football court? So you know how you got to put a cement court thing? Yeah. So a box for it was behind it. So she put the hoop behind it. She said, we got to build it, but it's here for you. Wow. That was one year. That's a gift. And another year, my mom set up the fucking racetrack around the tree. Racetrack? What?

What the fuck? You got real estate for your birthday? A court and a track? The Hot Wheels track. Oh, the Hot Wheels track. I was like, I thought you were talking about, I was literally like, this mother got a go-kart track in her backyard. But my pop used to take me go-karting every time I went to D.C. So it was always a thing. But no, my mom used to take out the presents and set them up

around the Christmas. The setup is huge. I was like, my mom is the truth. I was like, yes! It was always fun. Every Christmas was crazy. And your mom is still number one in your parent rankings? Absolutely. Mom and dad too. What about step parents? Well, my dad's wife. Yeah. My dad. He's eating my dad fucks. Well, Charlene...

Shout out to Cindy. I love Cindy. Cindy's great. Didn't sound like it, man. Cindy's great. The bitch my dad loved. Oh, shit.

Yeah, shout out to my father's wife saying that she's good. I love her to bits. I love her to bits and pieces. Yeah, from afar. She never set up any Hot Wheels tracks? Nah. No Hot Wheels tracks. Does she have any kids of her own? She does not. Oh, okay. So you were all, and did your mom have any other kids? My sister. My sister owned my father's house. Before you or after? After. After.

Okay, all right. I'm the first one. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. The firstborn son, the little prince. Yeah. The little prince of the divorced family. Brontosaurus burgers all the time. That's nice. Big old burgers. Superfluous. I learned that word a long time ago. Superfluous. Too much shit. You got too much shit. You're living superfluously. Wow. Superfluously. You got it. Hold on. Take your time. Eldest, put it up there so she can sound it out. Superfluously.

Superfluous. What's the origin? Superfluous. Unnecessary, especially being more than enough. Absolutely. Yeah, but it's adding the lead to the end that makes it hard. Superfluously. That's hard. Superfluously. You'll get it, little buddy. That's AP English right there. Good schools. Good schools. Yeah. Whole thing. Love that, dude. Dad, you are spoiled. Derek is a massive girl. XOXO. I'm a real girl.

girl. Lizzie Loran out this month. Regina? No, I'm Regina George. You're in the crew. I didn't know you were Carlton Banks. You know I dropped out of jazz college to do comedy? I

I dropped out of jazz school to do comedy. You were playing or you were like... I know, you're right. Now, I had to scat in class. I had to do scat classes. We'd be there... That's insane. You're just making shit up. No, no. That's like what poor white people think rich black people do. Put on a tuxedo and scat. Well, of course, the black...

Shout out to Micah Jones, my rhythm and diction teacher. Rhythm and diction teacher. That's why your crush is superfluous. Micah Jones, we had to sing beats. It was like weird shit we had to do in school to read music.

But now I dropped out because I suck at it. I started telling jokes. I sucked at it. I was like, man, let me go tell jokes. Jazz college. Jazz college in Switzerland. It was in Philly, but shit. Oh, in Philly. That makes a difference. Yeah. Big time. Okay. Do you ever go skiing? Let's keep it going. You know, I'm not an outdoorsy guy. I went skiing a couple months ago. Talk shit. Come on. Come on, Marie. There we go. Went to Vancouver with the white people. What?

And the higher we went up the mountain, the more I turned into a rich white lady. The air was so wealthy. I was at all these black people and I was like, where are you people from? Yeah. You just go up, whisper to the security guard, keep an eye on them before, will you? I left my purse back there. I'm like, are there lockers? Yeah.

I want to put my Cathy on watch. Seems to be some Crichtons on the mountain. I don't know if I like these Crichtons.

at the top of the mountain. I was a terrible skier. Yeah, no, that's, I've never done any winter, winter shit. I'd like to tube, but that sounds fun. Go down that motherfucker fastest shit, then drink some hot cocoa. Oh, yeah. I'll meet you down at the lodge type shit. Oh, they start drinking at 2 p.m. Yeah, people get really fucked up. Because the liquor keep you warm, right? Don't it? Well, once you start drinking, I'm not going back outside. Oh, that's a good point. I live at Apueski now. Okay.

Did you go with the crew? Yeah, I went with Sydney, Nina. Love it. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I saw those pics. Show them to me. I was having a good time. Yeah, Chelsea Handley was there naked with her dog. Wow. That's dope. That's nice. It was cool. That's a good move. Skiing is hard. I don't want to do any of that shit. I just want to hang out. I said this on a podcast before, but I remember, I feel like in the 90s, every like,

like, you know, Saved by the Bell, Fresh Prince, they all had like a ski lodge episode. And I always had like a fantasy of like, I would, me, I was going to stay behind and just chill at the fucking beach.

chill at the lodge while everybody went skiing. And then another group, they'd have like a hot girl friend who also stayed behind. And I would get to fuck the hot girl. The hot girl's friend? No, no, like the hot girl, the hot girl. Who also stayed at the lodge. Who is one of the friends of, yeah, yeah. The other party. I mean, yes. Thank you, Derek. I'm hearing the fantasy. One of you guys went to jazz college and can follow what I'm talking about. I'm scared.

I have one educated man here. That class sounds like they throwing poop at each other. Y'all throwing doodle at each other? That is fucking hilarious. Did your parents want you to be a jazz guy? No, I was a jazz guy in high school. And then I wound up doing really well in high school. Started getting awards and all that shit. So I guess that was the way because my SAT scores were so low. The only school I could get into was jazz. So...

He was like, so yeah. Yeah, the application is just a voice memo of you playing saxophone. Yeah, man. That's the application. Nah, I had to go in there. You black Kenny G.

Your soul. Did you see Soul? Yeah, I saw Soul. That's you. I didn't see Soul. Oh, because you ain't got no soul? Soul was a black Pixar movie. I saw it. The guy looked like Roy Wood Jr. Yeah. But it was Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx. And then they turned him into a cat for the whole movie, so the black people were upset. Oh, really? It's a black Pixar movie, but you don't...

The main black character's in it for seven minutes. He's a cat. He's black at first. That's awesome. Nah, you can't have the lead be black the whole time. And they were like, we can't have it too black. Let's add Tina Fey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, we got to sell this to China, all right? And they're not big fans of black people. They're not. That's a lie. Yeah. If I go to China right now, I have been. And actually, we're not very nice. Thank you. I rest my case.

You blotted it out your mind. Yeah, well, why would I suppress that? Wait, wait, why'd you go to China? Because I had a layover in Hong Kong. I was going to Thailand. Oh, nice. And we were like, oh, Hong Kong's going to be lit. And they were looking at us like... We would walk, they would like sweep up where we just...

They were like, mm-mm. And Hong Kong is kind of like, because the British were there, it's even like a more westernized part of China. So if you're in mainland China, it'd probably be even more fucked up, I would guess. Yeah, well, Thailand was lit. They liked everybody out there. Weed is legal out there. Yeah, it seems fun. Everything's cheap. I was rich. Yeah, that's awesome. I felt like Derek in Christmas. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I want to go to Thailand too, but I do feel like I need to lose a little weight because you can't be, you can't look like me tell people you want to go to Thailand because people just assume you're up to no good if you want to go to Thailand. If a fat, balding guy in a Hawaiian shirt is like, I'm very interested in Thailand. Oh, no. That boy hunting for ladyboy. You would get fucking... That nigga out on the ladyboy hunt.

He's here to buy people. He's buying slaves. There's so much cheaper here. Yeah.

Sex trafficking is so much more affordable in Thailand. Yeah, so, but it does sound awesome. It sounds like the nature sounds like, you know, the beaches are sick. It is lit. Yeah. Okay. That's awesome. A lot of Australians there, though. That is a big negative. Anytime you get too many Aussies anywhere, because they'll come to Greece, too. There's certain islands that Aussies take over, and it's just like...

Imagine if British people were louder and more annoying. That's pretty much Australians, you know? Louder, more annoying, better teeth. Better teeth, and also stronger, which is a negative.

Because usually British people are like, you know. Oh, weak. Yeah, weak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were a bit frail when I went to London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very frail, those guys. Yeah, they're afraid of the sun, so the sun just doesn't come there. Exactly. Wow. And it don't. There was only like one sunny day. That's a good point. Maybe that's the big difference is that Australians get sun. Get sun. You gotta fight kangaroos. Yeah. And the kangaroos. And they be jacked kangaroos. These niggas be brawling. They're kicking dogs. Drowning dogs coming here with me. Like, what is this? They are fucked up.

They eat kangaroos. Do you know that? I wonder what a kangaroo tastes like. It's a meat. Kangaroo meat. It's probably like... I'm not that interested in kangaroo meat. It's probably tough. Yeah. Eldest, why don't you do a little producing? See what does kangaroo meat taste like? Slim jeans. That's so funny. Honestly, they could... Yeah. Similar game...

Pink and red and very lean. Like chicken. I don't believe that. Anytime a weird meat comes up, they say crocodile tastes like chicken. Frog tastes like chicken. All of them are chicken. It doesn't. Everything tastes like chicken. Chicken's delicious. There's no way. I think crocodile does kind of taste like chicken. Have you had crocodile? Either had that or alligator or something when I was in New Orleans. When I go to finally, I'm getting one of them gator burgers.

All three of you are interested in gator burgers. Is that what I'm hearing? I mean, I've been to New Orleans. I feel like I had alligator... You don't have to eat gator. Well, I think you will. Well, you see... Maybe having a whole... Shit, the tail be all on the grill. I'll be like, all right, I got to try that. I'm not interested in that. It looks fucked up to me. I saw an awesome video of like an alligator that got like skinned and smoked for like hours on Facebook reels.

And it looked fucking good as shit, honestly. It did look good. I was like, damn, they fucked that alligator up. I was like, damn, I didn't know how much meat they had on them. Did you see the spices that they used? Yeah.

had a Creole blend. It was a Creole blend. It was nice. It was reds and whites. Oh, yeah. How do you skin a gator? Aren't there like dinosaurs? I don't know what the fuck it is. You can skin it. They look crazy. Cut it up, whatever. But yeah, I'm not interested in that. I'm not adventurous when it comes to eating weird ass animals. Give me a nice cow, a chicken. I'll eat seafood. Okay. Oh, wow. But no. You don't have a sophisticated

Sophisticated jazz college. Yeah. All right. You motherfuckers are eating vermin. You guys are like, we want kangaroo and fucking iguana meat. Fuck you guys. I'm right. I don't eat white people pits. Eat ferret. Did you? Oh yeah. That's a fucked up thing. A ferret girl.

You don't want to tangle with those. A ferret girl is probably a psycho. I assume... It's like a rich rat girl. Rat girls exist, but they're usually like art, kind of weird. Artsy chicks, right? Art girls, yeah. Ferret girls are like horse girls with asthma that can't go outside. So they give them... So they're weak and they want an exotic little animal. Horse girls with asthma! Yeah!

Yeah, they're sort of, yeah, I guess British to horse girls Australian, I guess is what it comes down to. That's wild. Did you have any pets, Derek? Did you have any? I had a dog. I had a hamster. Okay. A hamster? Back when I was little. At your dad's house? It got out of my mom's house. Of course. That lady let you have a rat in the house? Yeah. She's trying to win the parent Olympics. Yeah. Because I had the cage with all the tubes and all the fucking, so the hamster had something to do, and I could watch him go. Yeah.

Nah, but my mother has a dog now, so when I go visit, I just get Cooper. Cooper, that's a good dog name. What about pets for you? I feel like you... My family's from Haiti. They said, we gonna feed y'all and nobody else. What? Uh-huh. When I was in fifth grade, we had like a class rabbit, and every weekend, somebody would get to take the rabbit home. And I was like...

at home. They wouldn't let me bring it home. I got a goldfish and my mom was like, if that fish gets big enough, I will cook it. I was like, I

don't grow just don't grow goldfish grow to be the size of their tank so they get big you could get a huge goldfish you yeah have you ever seen goldfish in like a pond yeah no goldfish can get massive yeah i bet they taste like shit probably i bet that is not a good it don't look like it's eating just those weird little fucked up pellets there's no way those turn into delicious meat do people eat goldfish

They're related to koi, I suppose. Maybe in some cultures. So it must have been like a real immigrant house. What are we talking about? I grew up very, what is it, muddy fishy kind of gross taste. You don't say. Muddy fishy. Not calling a goldfish fishy. I know. It is a fish. What the fuck? It ain't like Chilean sea bass. That's what I'm saying. No, no, no. It's not Branzino. Yeah, it's not Branzino. Good call. Mm-mm.

A grilled branzino does hit the spot from time to time. Pretty good stuff. I love a branzino. I love a market price fish. Yeah. When it got MP on the menu, guys. When it say MP on the menu. You got your corporate card on your feet?

What a nightmare to go on a date with, Marie. Marie only looks at market price. Only. Anything with a set price is not getting ordered. Or when they order something simple. You ever had this? They order something simple, so you order market price, and they go, I changed my mind. I get what you get. Yeah, that's tough. You think you've done the math. You're like, well, if this bitch is getting a Caesar salad with chicken breast added. Yeah, I can get me steak and lobster. I got salad at home. I got salad at home.

I want what you got. I want skit gator with a Creole song. Oh, you're done. What's the situation tonight? Is there a tail? Yeah. Is there a tail suit? Our ferris wheel season right now? Fly it in straight from Baton Rouge. I want the ghetto.

Were you eating weird shit? Because I mean, like, I remember my friend growing up, his dad was like a villager, a Greek villager. So he's like basically a hillbilly. Okay. And he literally, my friend thought he had a pet rabbit. And then one day he comes home and that motherfucker is stewed.

Oh, man. So I remember playing with that fucking thing and then hearing that they ate it and I was fucking horrified. Horrified. Are Haitians eating anything interesting? Did they make you eat anything weird? No, but I went to Haiti once. We were at my grandmother's house. Okay. And they had chickens running around and she was like, I'm making dinner. She was like, let's go kill this chicken. And I was like... I said, what? And my grandma, she just snuck in front of me. Yeah, exactly.

And I was like, there's a picture of my grandma holding it and the chicken is like this. And I'm just like, I'm not eating that. Anyway, that was

chicken I've ever had. First, I said farm to table. Farm to table's gotta be good. Literally, like she killed it and then put it on the table. Probably more gravel backyard to table. It was yummy. I'm so full. You're probably like, I'm not eating that. And then the second you hear, you like smell it cooking, you're like, oh. You're like, oh, I don't think I've ever had chicken before. This is good.

Nothing, so nothing. Did you go back a lot? Did you like go in the summers to visit family or no? No, I've only been to Haiti once and my mom wants to go back, but the government keeps shutting down the airport. Oh yeah, that's right. Haiti's kind of wild. I can't come. Even by Haiti standard, it's gotten kind of wild recently. My dad refuses to go. Damn. He's like, if your mom goes to Haiti, I'm unplugging the phone because I don't have money for ransoms.

Wow. Because that's probably like a thing out there, right? Everyone getting kidnapped. What the fuck is going on to get kidnapped? My dad said, I don't have a special set of skills. He said, if you go, you go.

If word gets out our daughter went skiing, we're fucked. They're grabbing you at the airport if they find out our daughter's been on a ski lodge. Yeah. Her? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll pay. They'll pay for you. Goddamn. She has promise. Oh, yeah.

That's wild shit. Was it real Ellis Island style growing up? Because I literally shared a room with my two brothers and our grandma was the other. Jesus. We shared a wall with my grandma. So it was real immigrant growing up in Baltimore. What was the Faustin apartment looking like? It's actually Faustin. Faustin, okay. You know, just for the people. Okay, okay. For the well-read. Hey, Elvis, pull up the word superfluous again. Superfluous. Superfluous.

Superfluous Lee. Too long of a pause, Marie. It's not a guy. It's not Lee. You're not describing a man named Lee who is superfluous.

I got so many syllables. Like, yeah. Anyway. Unnecessary. It's a multi-syllabic word. Yeah. Me and my sister had a bunk bed. A bunk bed. Hell yeah. Bunk beds, no siblings. Anyway. Wow. Truly flexing on us. We both had bunk beds out of necessity. Right. Out of space. This motherfucker just decided. Bunk beds, no siblings. No siblings.

My mom was like, sometime you gotta go high, and sometime you gotta go low. And I was like, hey, that's the life I live. Derek's imaginary friend had a better living situation than I did. Yeah. Chuck was cool. That's fucking hilarious. Chuck. Chuck sounded like he was too old to be hanging out with you.

Chuck. He had bitches over all the time. Silly stuff. Cheers to the comics. The bunk beds also. It was fun. Me and my brothers would rotate because there was three of us and there was a bed and then the bunk beds and it was like

We decided who got to do what. And then the funny thing is, I realized when I was like 10, I was like, damn, this sucks. We don't have an extra room. And it turned out we just had a room the whole time that my dad had closed, almost had boarded it up because he just had a bunch of shit in there. He didn't feel like cleaning out. And so when I was like 13, I was like, yo, what the fuck? Can I have this room? And he was like...

Oh, yeah, I guess. It was like, we just had an extra room this whole time? Three boys shared one little ass bedroom? Because you didn't feel like throwing away a couple coats from the 70s? It was so fucking annoying. He said, these might come back and stop. He said, fashion is sick. Literally, growing up, my father's junk had a room, and me and my brother shared one. That is wild. I know. That's opposite ends of the spectrum, right?

It really is. Yeah, yeah. But then I got it. When I got that room going, I'm like 13. I'm getting a fucking little Ikea TV stand. I got the original Xbox on there. Listening to the radio. Hilarious. I was still listening to the radio. We still didn't have internet. That's how fucking... We didn't get internet until I was in like high school. Mid high school. So I'm fucking crying. Oh, dude, that was awesome. That was the best summer of my life. Just playing like...

I don't know, Madden. I don't remember. And also Extreme Volleyball, where it's those ladies with big tits playing volleyball. Extreme Volleyball? Yeah. It was Big Titty Volleyball? It was Big Titty Volleyball. Pull it up, Elders. Extreme Volleyball. Extreme Volleyball. Yep. Extreme Volleyball Academy?

No, not precise location. What the fuck? Women. Faster elders for fuck's sake. I don't see no titties. Extreme Volleyball. No, not. They got all the shirts. Oh, yeah. Volleyball game. Oh, Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball. That's right. That's what it was. Oh, he had the safe search on. Yeah. Oh, that looks cool. Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball. That was awesome.

It was literally a game purely made for horny 12-year-olds to like, you know. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They in the pool playing volleyball. A beautiful summer. Okay, look at that. You know, we had to get resourceful. No internet, you know. What were we going to jack off to in my youth? We had to get video games. Yeah, kids today don't know how easy they have it. They don't know. They don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless their parents hate them, in which case they have droids. Yep, exactly. Horn in the palm of their hand. Yeah. But this builds character jacking off to a volleyball video game. Sorry, Derek, you were saying? You were saying about the internet? I was going down memory lane. No, that's okay. No, because I remember when it first came out, my first computer game.

I remember in the Chex box, remember Bryce Chex, they came with the first AOL, like, Doom version. You would get a CD of, like, internet time. And I remember I used to be on that game for hours on the fucking mouse. Wait, what kind of game was it? It was, like, a Chex game, but it was, like, Doom. So it mixed Doom with cereal. You were playing, like, a promotional game. You were playing, like, an advertisement for cereal. Yeah.

So Chex is the shit. Chex? Rice Chex. Rice Chex had a game in the box. Yeah, Rice Chex had an internet game. It came in the box and then I played it on like the first dial up, whatever. Hell yeah. Do they still put prizes in cereal? I don't think so. I think that's a long story. It's probably all QR codes and shit now. Yeah.

Damn. It's over. Sweepstakes on the back of the box. Sweepstakes, yep. That was fun. Eldest, they don't, man. The things you choose to fucking produce is so hilarious. Why is cereal so expensive right now? It's fucked up.

It's fucked up. And the boxes are shrinking. I know, dude. I'm like, this is how much Golden Grahams cost? It's fucked up. I should steal this. And you can't even steal it. It don't fit under your shirt properly. And Golden Grahams, you have to steal them. That's a deep cut cereal. That's a classic. You gotta be an underground, that's the dash, you gotta be raised Haitian. I like Golden Grahams. You gotta kill a chicken, I like Golden Grahams.

Gold grams. Gold grams is solid. Cookie crisp was always the one I always wanted, but my mom never allowed me to have it. My mom never got me cookie crisp. And then we got it once, and I was like, wait, I literally thought they were little cookies. No. But they're not. They're bullshit. Yeah. It's fucked up. Cinnamon toast crunch. Cinnamon toast crunch is a vibe. The killer. Yeah, of course. Lucky charms. Fruity pebbles. Oh, I never had fruity pebbles. Apple jacks. Cocoa puffs.

Apple Jacks honeycomb, man. Yeah. Love listing cereals. Who's listing the good ones?

Honey bunches of oats. I felt really bad because we would... I had two brothers, and it was me and then my brother Nick who would just eat shit so fast. And so a family pack of Costco cereal would go in two days. And my poor brother George would just never get anything. We'd eat his fucking leftovers. He's the baby? He's the middle child. I mean, they're twins, so they're... But he was effectively...

Personality wise, he's definitely the middle child because it was like Nick was treated like the baby and I was definitely the oldest because I was, you know, two years older.

And Nick, we just would fuck cereal up in our house. Your poor mom. Oh, yeah. No, it was tough. It was fucking brutal. Like, my mom had three young boys and then my father was effectively a child as well. So she just has four children and we're just crushing. Tough. Yeah, not interested? No. You don't want a boy? Do you want kids at all? No, I don't think so. Nice. Well, because my life is very...

you know, I get up when I want. We travel. I smoke when I want. If I don't want to go home for like days at a time, I don't have to be like, oh my God, my baby. So glad you're here. I'm going to check out. There's a lady

had a baby and she went to Puerto Rico for 10 days and left the baby in the house and the baby died. What? I wasn't going to say that but I was watching it on the way here. That's crazy. You were watching it on the way here? The trial. The trial? She's like, I'm asking God for forgiveness. I'm asking my daughter for forgiveness. She got life with no chance to grow. She's going to be in there a while. So her plan was just leave the kid? He just took a Puerto Rican mom. That's her. El

Puerto Rican mom dead baby. Let's get right to the heart of the matter. Jesus. Word economy on that search. In Cleveland. It was bad. Left her. She went on a trip, baby. Oh, man. 16 months? Yeah. She just dipped.

That's insane, dude. And it's like, babe, if you didn't want to have the, like, bring it to Puerto Rico and leave it with family there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so when you come back, you don't have to deal with it. You have to deal with it. Leave it at the fire station. Put it in a basket and set the basket in a river. In a river. Yeah.

And let the royals take care of it. I don't know. Prince of Egypt. Cleveland, that Cleveland, that Cleveland River is real polluted. That's the one that caught on fire. I don't know that I'd try and make a Moses there. Yeah, I would do the classic from movies, put it in a basket, leave it on a, like a nun, like orphanage nuns. There's always a church or a fire or something, but not leave it in the thing and let it die. She was like, I got a pack, so I don't know. Yeah.

I was gonna leave it, but oh my God, my Uber here. Yeah, I'm waiting for my sheen packages to come in. I need to look good in Puerto Rico.

Where's my e-ticket? She's sliding the baby off the couch so she can check in for her flight. Damn, dude. Oh, no. She's pleading mental health, too. That's a wild move. That's terrible. Well, obviously, she's not sane. Yeah. Just leave a child. I really needed a vacation, Your Honor. And now that I'm back, I'm good. Well, I mean, she got home. The baby was dead. She changed the baby's outfit. Oh, man.

And then was like, it's cool. Yeah. Yeah. That's wild. Damn. But anyway, that's me. You want to, you empathize. You're like, yeah, I can see myself. I see myself in this lady. I mean, I do feel like I would make a really cute pregnant person. Like every time I saw a picture of Rihanna. How about baby? I'm like, what outfit? Yeah, you do. You can figure out some fun. Me in a little Wolverine shirt with the stomach out to you. Yeah, that would be nice. That would be cute. And then after nine months, people are like, where's the kid? I'm like, oh, I just wanted the outfits. Yeah, the outfits.

I just wanted to shoot a couple reels. Just wanted to create some content. I got a really good brand sponsorship with maternity clothes, so I just had to do it. That's the idea. I'm partnering with Oshkosh. Yeah.

Honestly, dressing up a baby sounds fun, too. I think you'd have a good time for that, too. It does sound fun. But, like, all the other stuff is like, I gotta do what? Yeah. You gotta raise it. Wake up. You gotta raise. I'm with you. But also, like, I'm afraid, like, you could raise a baby. You would have a baby, raise it, and it grows up to be a serial killer. Yeah. Pretty great, yeah. I know. There's a lot of risks you take with that. I was with some friends who, you know, some were friends, some were people I just met, and everyone had kids. Yeah.

Except me. And I was like, I made a joke where I was like, everyone's talking about how great their kids are. I was like, I mean...

your kids all could grow up and be huge pieces of shit. And nobody liked that. Nobody, nobody. That joke did not go over well. I was like, statistically, at least one of your kids is going to be a fucking idiot. Yeah, and then literally everyone was like, oh, I mean, come on. And some of them were comedians. Like, we're joking about, you know, other shit, horrific shit moments before. Soon as you call somebody's baby ugly now, you know.

Now you a baby phobe. They were cute kids, but they were, you know, one of them is probably going to be, you know, a fucking idiot or annoying. But it's just wild. Like, so much can go wrong. Yeah. So much can go wrong. And it's like, I don't know if I want to do that. That feels hard. I'm ready for, I've talked about it before, but I'm ready to go uncle mode. That's it for me. Uncle mode is the best mode. It's perfect. Send them money. They smile at you. Send them money. Hang out with them. Show up to your birthday party with $1,000 worth of gifts. Yeah. $1,000 worth of gifts.

I'm sorry. For Derek. A couple hundred dollars worth of gifts. $999. This is what you do. This is how you, this is how you, this is what you do. You show up with a helicopter. You're like, guess what little buddy? Buy a gift for all his little friends. And then they go, who the fuck is that? A gift for the friends?

No, because my cousin Lukey, my cousin's son, rest in peace Dougie, so I got a new godson, whatever. So he had his birthday in Jersey at that big mall, and when I found out, I pulled up and went to the Toys R Us while they were still playing, and I counted all his friends. He had like seven friends with him, so I was like, I get seven gifts from him. Yeah.

Looked at all of them, bought them all something. These motherfuckers winked. That's huge. No, that's huge. I was like, yeah. And then I left. And then word spreads he's got a cool uncle. And all it took was $5 a head. Yeah. One yo-yo for seven kids. You're the coolest. He got the main, but I bought them all something. They lost their fucking minds. I was like, yeah. Yeah. I'm also starting to see the appeal of being a step-parent now.

Right? Because I have friends who have kids that I think are, you know, nice kids, but I don't want to be there to fucking in the middle of the night. So if I could meet a lady, she's got some kid, it's like seven. I've missed all the bullshit. Now I'm just, now it's like a little guy or a little girl that I can be friends with and like teach some shit to, show them John Wick.

for the first time. I've missed all the bullshit. Like now I'm like, that actually sounds awesome. I feel like seven is a good age. Seven's great. Because they're not too young and they're not too old. They're not too old to think that you're not cool. Right. You get a couple years to indoctrinate them before they're 13. What's that shit they say every seven years? Your shit...

Resets or whatever. I don't know. So that's that first set of... Sure. Catch him on the second cycle. Of the gain cycle. Of the seven-year gain cycle. Of course, that shit we all know about. Every seven years. I've always heard the nerds be talking about every seven years. I'm not a nerd. You're a nerd. You're a nerd.

I'm the nerds? No, Marie. Sorry, man. But anyway, no, yes. Sorry, man. In high school, you had a little bow tie on scatting at the talent show. You are the nerds. It was never a bow tie. It was never a bow tie. It was a regular tie. Look, man, you got a fucking Hot Wheels track. You got a basketball thing. You can't also be cool when you have those things, Derek. All right? That's just how it works. That's actually pretty funny.

You can't be that cool with all that shit. I remember me and the other poor kids bullied the kid with money. I remember how it went. It's all evened out now. We're all adults, but I know what it was like in high school. I can see it. Taylor Swift.

Yeah, there was one kid. The rich kids get bullied. Yeah, yeah. And the poor kids wear K-marks. Yeah, exactly. I was bullying the fuck out of a local anchor's son in my Starburys. Not the Starburys. Oh, yeah. My mom was like, oh, you like this guy, don't you? I had to wear them like three times not to break my mom's heart, but I was like, Jesus Christ, this is going to be a tough day. Yeah.

Yeah, when you walk into school, you're like, God damn, they're going to kill me. I literally remember trying to break them, running sprints hard as shit, hoping that they would like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, rip myself off these soles. God, I hate these shoes. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. That's so funny. You, Starberries. Starberries, bro. I got a lot of t-shirts from that place. What was the place called? They sell Starberries? It was like...

and literally the berry was in the title. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. Fuck, what were we talking about? We were just talking about something before the seven-year cycle. I forget. Kids gifts. Kids gifts. Gifts for the kids. Nice. Uncle, stepdads. Yeah, yeah. Being a better, coming in as a.

Yeah, that's good. A later parent, later that line. Yeah, that could be good. I could see some shit like that. The older I get, the more I'm like, yeah. I'm either, I'm two traditional things. Uncle, stepdad. There you go. That is like so clearly who shows up. Like I show up and everyone's confused. They're like, she married him. Like the first husband's like some hot guy. Second husband's me. Second husband's me. Step up. Oh, absolutely. Step up and be that guy, yeah. Absolutely. Can't wait.

I see it in my future so beautifully and clearly. Four or five years from now, second husband. Four or five years. You know, it'll be nice. I love that for you. Thank you. I don't think I want to be a stepmom. No? Yeah. Second wife, though, you could definitely be. Yeah, I could be. Yeah, but there can't be any kids in the picture. I mean, my goal in life was always to be, like, engaged, like, five times. Yeah.

And it never, no.

That's fucking hilarious. That's great. You've never gotten close to an engagement? Nothing? No, I mean, I feel, you know, I'm like, if you stare at me too long, I run away. I don't know. Anybody who likes me too much, I'm like, it's desperate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is fun to realize a lot of behavior. I feel like me and a lot of my friends, a lot of our behavior is like, damn,

we are getting too old to behave this way. You know what I mean? And it's like, you can hide it a little longer as a hot woman. Like when you look like shit, it's like, all right, well, I'm 35. I got to kind of figure this out quicker. You got more years, but you also have a fundamental mental issue. Fundamental mental issue. That you got to figure out at some point. You know? Yeah.

- If it's gonna be fun, I'ma do it. If a guy proposes to me today, I'll say yes. - Let's get one out of five out of the way. - A runaway bride and my strawberries. - Pour your strawberries to the court, and she get married. I'ma bedazzle 'em. - Put some strawberries on. Take off as soon as this motherfucker start doing his vows. - But no, in actual, when I was in my early 20s, I wasn't thinking,

married. I was like, I'm trying to do dumb stuff and travel and eat market price and whatever. Why not? I'm with that. I agree, but it ain't the early 20s anymore is all I'm saying. Forever 21. Your favorite store and your plan. Your guiding motto in life. Forever 21. Remember that shit. I'm dating people now and if it's fun, we

they can stick around. But if you're too available... Too available? I like that. If you're too available. Yeah, I kind of like that. Is there a formula for how available they should be? You should be a little bit busy. That's fair. Right? Every day? I'm with you. Every day. I'm with you on that. Just be a little bit busy. Oh, my God. I don't want to see you every day. Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's crazy. I agree. Like, I was talking to this guy, and he would be like, oh, I miss you. Like, can I see you later? And I'd be like, I just saw you yesterday. Oh.

Oh, yeah, that's tough. But also, like, when you like somebody, you do want to see them as much as you can. But, you know. When's the last time you were, did you ever. Like somebody? Like that much, where you're like, back-to-back days for you. Oh. Like a twofer. Like now. Oh, now. I'm talking to somebody? Well, yeah. Oh, okay. Don't worry, this will come out in, this comes out in like a couple months. It'll be over. He'll be gone by then. It'll be over by then, Marie. So say whatever you want.

This will come out in the summer. You won't even have this guy. You'll be blocked on all social platforms by this. So great. Yeah.

- By then, you'll be fine. - Oh, I see, I see. - It's post-date. - But like every year is somebody that I like. - I see. - And I wanna see them and then, you know. - So is this a little bit of projection to you where you're like, you don't like when you get that way? When you get too available, like you don't like the way you feel like that or? - No, well I'm not too available, I'm busy. - I see. - And even when I'm not busy, I'm busy.

You know what I mean? Girl. But it's like, it's better that way. I don't know if I could live with somebody. Yeah. Because it's like. Yeah, me and my girl still got separate apartments. We still. How long have y'all been together? Three years. But that's pandemic. You got to understand that forced us into a situation where we had to kind of, oh, fuck, we got to deal with each other. But it worked out.

And I was like, damn, it worked out. Come on, it's just starting to go good for me. I'm on TV and now I have a girlfriend. My skin, like I got eczema medication. My skin's clear now. Oh, nigga, this shit hurts. Yeah, skin cleared off. I'm gorgeous now. And I'm like, fuck.

Now I have a girlfriend. I'm a blue bloods. I'm a snitch on CBS. I'm shaking hands with fucking Tom Selleck over here. Living alone is great. I agree with you. I think the, I have a friend who's married and her and her husband have separate bedrooms. That's the, that I think is awesome. Still the same house but separate rooms where it's like. I think separate bedrooms.

bathrooms too though. For sure. Because y'all be getting beard hair and pubes. I remember one thing I remember seeing in my father's house. Him and his wife did have separate sinks. Separate showers and all that shit. It's pretty ill. I agree with all this and I also think everyone in this room except for Eldest who was a happily married man has clear commitment issues. Like nothing we're saying is unreasonable. We're like yeah, separate rooms. Maybe separate apartments. You live apart.

across the street. Don't talk to me too much. You can put a tunnel between us to connect them. That's what love is. Yeah, interesting. So yeah, I don't know. I would say look into that. Babe, did we marry now? Can I pick you up tomorrow around seven? I'm gonna go home and come back and pick you up around seven. Or like get a duplex and then you get a floor, I get a floor. Meet me for dinner. Yeah, ask me on a date.

You share your Google calendar with your husband. The green highlighted days are when I'm available. Here's my avail. Let me piss with my wife then. I'm going to piss with my wife. Ah, fuck. Interesting.

Interesting. Well, we're not going to get to the bottom of all of our mental issues here today, our commitment issues, but I do think we can at least try and help some of our listeners here. What do you guys say? You guys want to bring your unhinged perspectives to these people? Absolutely. That's why I came all the way to Greece.

And before that, we should say, do you guys have anything you want to plug in particular? Yeah. What do we got? When does this come out? Oh, who knows? Oh, shit. Maybe July. No, not July. July. Maybe. Or in July. I think June. You banked that many episodes? Dog, I'm gone. As soon as I'm done this week, I'm not coming back to New York. I'm going to Baltimore. I told you, I'm going to Fat Camp. You're going to go to Fat Camp and get right. The next batch of podcasts you guys see, I will be...

Hopefully 25 pounds less than this. So we'll see. You're going to be gone for six months and lose 25 pounds. It's three months. How much a pound a day? Yeah.

It'd be all right. Yeah, it's doable. I could do 40. I feel like this podcast can get sponsored by Ozempic. No, I can't. I don't trust that shit. I want to give it a couple. See if anybody dies. You know what I mean? Right. It's still in beta. Yeah, exactly. Is, you know, Khloe Kardashian going to collapse someday? Collapse with a cat. Khloe Kardashian collapse. Yeah. Yeah.

If that happens, you know, I'm trying to stay. I'm scared. Keeping up with the collapsing Kardashians. I don't want that. Speaking of Khloe, rest in peace to OJ Simpson. There you go. Her father just died. R.I.P.

R.I.P. to another man. Derek, is this hard as a member of the black upper class to lose O.J.? It was tough, man, because they didn't show not one football highlight. It was just the chase. Again. I'm like, stop showing this chase. Let me see this nigga run up the field. None of that. No, no, no. What was it? Naked gun? He was a naked gun. Can't watch that. It's just he's a murderer. Fine. They say his son did it.

and he was covering for his kid. That is one of the theories. That is a take. My thing is he clearly murdered his wife. That's actually what I think it is. He clearly murdered the woman he had a pattern of physical abuse towards. The other thing that we've talked about is that how you know the NFL as soon as he died. Like,

nuked his brain. Oh, yeah. They were like, we are not letting you motherfuckers study this guy's brain and see what bounced around in 70s helmets did to his brain. Did you see that head he had? His head was this full of CTE. Just a jar full of CTE. Like, it's fucked up. We don't get to see how many holes he had in his head. You ever go to a bar and see a jar full of pickled eggs? That's what's in O'Shea's head.

Pickled eggs. That's so nasty. Why is there pickled eggs on the fucking counter, nigga? That is disgusting. And that probably is what his brain looked like. Pickled eggs. Go ahead and... Wow, is it almost Mother's Day already? I feel like it was just Mother's Day yesterday. Well, odds are, if you're listening to this show, you're not one of the favorite siblings in your family.

You're not the successful one. Shit's not going good for you. You've probably blown your Mother's Day gift five years running. This is your chance to make it up to your mom. What does she want? She wants beautiful images of those she loves most. You could do that with Aura Frames. All right? She'll love looking back at your childhood memories.

Even better, it's not just some flipbook. It's a beautiful frame. Look at that. It's me and my friend Ian Fidance, a dear friend of mine. Even better, it's got unlimited storage, an easy to use app. You can keep updating, you know, each, every time you get a new milestone. It's the gift that keeps on giving, okay? Maybe you finally got off pills. You

You can send your mama, you can take a picture of your diploma from fucking rehab or whatever. All right? You can upload that shit. I got my mom one of these actually last year, so I'm fucked this year. Maybe I'll get her another one. I don't know. She loves it. I love mine. Look at that. It's me and J.P. McDade. You can put whatever stuff you love you put in this frame. Me and J.P., me and a fake Asian woman with huge tits.

This is why I'm mailing this in. When they get AI Girl, this is sort of like the next level to the anime wife pillow thing. This is like, you can create your own. No, fuck JP. There's me, JP, and Eldest, and then a different lady with big fake fake lady with big tits. So, you know, you put whatever you want on here.

That's the beauty of it. And it's not just me that loves it. Oprah Winfrey, ever heard of her? You fucking cretins. It's one of Oprah's favorite things. Wire cutter. You know when you have to buy anything? You know when you're like, shit, I need new sheets. Oh, I need a fucking step ladder. And you Google best thing ever.

And you automatically go to Wirecutter? I don't know who the fuck these people are either, but they got... But I listen to them, and they're always right. And they said Aura's the best picture frame in its class or whatever the fuck they said. What exactly did they say, Elders? Why don't you go down? For fuck's sake, scroll, pal. I saw it earlier. The point is, it's good stuff.

I fucking saw it. Number one digital picture frame by Wirecutter, The Strategist, and Wired. Wall Street Journal, Forbes, high-end home design publications, you name it. This is your chance. Don't fuck it up. Buy your mother an Aura frame or you're a piece of dog shit.

Right now, Aura has great deals for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com slash stavi to get $30 off. That's on me. Here's $30 for get something nice for your mom, plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. That's auraframes.com slash stavi. Use code stavi at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. Pretty cool, huh, guys? Go ahead and hit us with some stuff, babe. Sure. Marie, can you get the mic a little closer?

Oh, you're not getting these gems that I'm dropping? What's up, Dottie? What's up, Bell? Love the show. I listen to every free episode because I'm a cheap bitch. D-d-d-d-d-dumbass. Yep.

I got myself into this situation with a co-worker. I'm 28. She's well into her 50s, but it's not like a sex thing. But the problem is that she's known as a person that complains about everything. Literally fucking everything.

What? What?

Sometimes I don't even answer, but it doesn't seem to discourage her. And she's a VP, so I feel like I can't tell her to fuck off. But it's to the point that she's texting me her problems, like even when I'm out with friends or hanging with my girl. She just doesn't get the hint. Like I don't even respond.

I think I got a text last night at 11 p.m. about how her kid isn't coming home for Easter. I'm kind of afraid I've become some kind of emotional dog for her. Any idea how to get her to stop fucking talking to me? Thanks, guys. Love the show. Please help. Interesting. Wow. That's your number. That's what jobs change. Old job. Yeah. There's no VP. Yeah.

There's no way around this unless you like, unless you get her to hate you. Right. Which will fuck your job up anyway. Like, is she, what kind of person is this? Is this like a, she's like in her 50s. She's a VP of some company. She like an MSNBC liberal. Should you become MAGA just to throw her off the scent? Or is it the opposite? Is she like a Republican? You should start talking about how, you know.

Has she thought about a sex change? You know, let's get more immigrants in here. Just like kind of hit them with their talking points. This sucks. I mean, the fact that you let this get this far is crazy. It's crazy. Crazy, dude. It sounds like she's single. Yes. You need to get her a man. Ooh.

Ooh, that's true. Maybe that's what it is. The fix-up. Maybe a fix-up. You ought to parent trap it. That's a good point. Get her back with her ex or something. Or even just hire a male prostitute to just really fuck her. A gigolo. Deuce gigolo. Yeah. An emotional gigolo. He goes in there and... Yep. Well, you can embezzle from the company, so it's not your...

It's not on your dime. Right. Right. And then if it looks. Use her money. Use the company's money to pay for a gigolo. And then if it comes back, you're like, this wasn't me. Why would I buy this lady? So she looks like she's stealing from the company to get dick. You're in the clear. In the clear. That's what makes it scandalous a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a great idea. I think that's what it is. She's lonely. To fix up. She's lonely as hell. Yeah. Get her somebody.

And the kid ain't coming home for Easter, so she double loaned me money. She's texting you at 11 o'clock. At 11 o'clock. Yeah. That's after hours. She also does want to fuck this guy for sure. At 11 o'clock? Absolutely. There's no way. If she's older, he's what, 30, he said? He said 28. 28, yeah. He sounded 30. And that whole, the kid not coming home, that was her shooting a shot.

11 o'clock text in general is just, that's way, and talking about your family. Past 9 a.m.? You gotta be like, I think for an immediate change, you gotta be like, listen, my girlfriend don't like you hitting me up. She says, she says you gotta leave me alone. And that way, I love that because if she does want to fuck him, it'll also flatter her.

The fact that the girlfriend sees her as a threat in this scenario would kind of flatter this lady. And it might be just enough. You might have thrown her just enough of a bone to get her off the scent. I still say embezzle money so she can get dicked down. But let's start with this. Well, you can do both. Yeah, yeah. You can do both. It's a two-pronged approach. There's a B story. There's an A story and a B story. Listen, girlfriend. My girlfriend.

friend said you gotta leave me alone she don't like this she said you need to get a man yeah then you steal have you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and help her get a man yeah so implant the idea and then she carries out the idea right that's great that's right that's dope but the girl would think it's a great angle actually yeah you said it's a good panel yeah i think we got it we actually did it's been a while since we've given good advice i feel like and this actually did this did work so yeah we knocked out of the park next question eldest

That's annoying. Have you guys ever had a very annoying boss that just won't... I haven't had a boss in a long time. Yeah. I mean, all bosses, when you work for them, are annoying. When you work for yourself, I love me. I'm a great boss. Eldest, don't answer this question. Eldest, you do not get to answer this question. Yeah, hey, when my boss tells me about his dick issues...

He's like, fuck, man. It can't get fucking hard. Yeah, that must have been tough at your old job, man.

That must have been tough at CBS local radio when your boss was telling you about his dick because I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I kind of had a coworker situation like that where it was like, you know, you just start bonding with someone in the office when you sit close to them. Sure. You just start like shitting on other like dumbass people who you work with and you get closer, but then it just turned into like...

I'm just hearing about all her bad dates and she's moving from Brooklyn, New Jersey. She was doing bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's tough. And we're also there when like the company was kind of dying, but it just kind of got resolved when we both got laid off on the same day. And you've never spoken to her since? No. Give you a stress pillow. That's terrible. But yeah, maybe if they both get laid off. Yeah, that's a good idea. Get fired. Should I cue this up? Yeah. Yeah.

Oops. Oops is hilarious. Go back.

Yeah, man. Yeah, Derek's like, you haven't even brought up moving in. It's been three years. You're like, this fucking dummy. Oops. Keep him at arm's length at all times. That's the solution. All right, let's play it, Elders.

point now where I just don't see a future with him and I'm really struggling to come to terms that love advice So I've been with my boyfriend for four years. We met in college and he

came with me to law school this past year and we've been living together and you know coming in I knew we had some compatibility issues like he's pretty messy I'm pretty loud it can be aggressive but I just thought we'd work on that together and now it's been a year of living together and we're always arguing and he's just he's so messy and he doesn't really make an effort to change and I just worry that I'll spend my life picking up after him

And I think I'm just ready to end the relationship. And that's kind of scary. - She's fully crying. - Yeah, she's both. - I'm just unsure how to break things off with him and how to go forward. I mean, we live together. Our lease is up in the summer. - We live. - And I'll be spending the summer away from where we live. So I would have to find an apartment to come back to essentially.

And I just kind of feel bad breaking up with him this way because he followed me here, and that really sucks.

Um, so I'm just not really sure how to do anything with my boyfriend without it being super messy and uncomfortable. But I know, like, he's probably going to be upset, and that's fine. I just don't know how to do it. Also sharing that, like, I still care for this person, and I really respect him, and I want him to have a good life going forward, too. So any advice you have on that would be great. Sorry for, like, kind of crying in the middle of this, but...

And also Patreon. Oh, Patreon. We got to help this girl out. She made $7 a month. Damn, this is, I mean, look. It's not that tough. I feel for them. We've all been here where it's like, when you're in the thick of it, and it feels like the end of the world, and I get why she's crying because she's like, it's basically, even this compatibility stuff,

She just knows they don't want to be together. And it's like, yeah, there's reasons for it. But it seems like there's something even more fundamental than that. And it's like...

Once you know you don't want to be with someone, the little annoying shit gets so loud. She kept saying he was messy. Sound like he dirty. Yeah. She did call in with a three minute voicemail before that. I just never got to. But she was like just complaining about how they moved in together and he's messy as fuck. They argue about it all the time. She's tired of cleaning up after him. Yeah. And also she's in law school and she's acting like a mom. Exactly. That's crazy. The lease is up in the summer. We lit it.

Do it. Do it now. Yeah. Because you already know. You're about to be a lawyer. Like, we don't even... Does he work? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, even... And the thing is, like, you're young as fuck. You met in college. Yeah. The odds of even a perfect relationship working when you meet someone when you're, like, 20 are so low. And I think in some ways...

It's good that like you guys jumped right into it because it became so clear it's not going to work. Right. And there's a different there's a different timeline where you're you know he doesn't move with you and you guys kind of do long distance and that stretches out shit and you don't realize for another three years that you guys aren't meant to be together. So as sad as it is right now and it is sad right like

you know, I remember break, you know, when me and my college girlfriend broke up and we dated a couple of years after. And it was like, you know, that's all you really know. And it's fucking, you're, you're really sad. But then, you know, our lives were so different. And in five, 10 years, it's, you're going to be like, like me looking back now, I'm 35 thinking if I had not broken up with that, like she's got a family, she's got her, she did all the shit she wanted to do. And I did all the shit I want to do in 10 years. You're going to look back at this and be like, Oh yeah,

We just had, this had to happen. So how do you do, and she agrees though, right? Because she said-

I know it has to end. She's more asking about how to do it. Because it's going to happen. Yeah. And there's no, I mean, look, that's the other thing. It's not like it's easy to fucking break up. You gotta rip the band-aid off. Yeah, do it on FaceTime. Yeah. Do it on FaceTime from the vacation. It's not a complete cop-out if it's on FaceTime. It's not. I broke up with somebody on speakerphone once. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

He's laughing in the back. It was me. He was like, hey, I'll come get my stuff. I said, oh, no, no, no. I'll put it in an Uber. Damn.

You're going to come over here so we can have this conversation in person. I did it on the phone for a reason. Were you dating for a while or no? It was like a couple months, but he was like a very emotional dude. You can send it in the Uber. I said, you home now? Uber parcel will be there. My mood will be there very soon. It's on a revolution.

It's hot because the next delivery is a pizza, so your khakis are fucking steaming. The coals are on top of a hot pizza. On top of a hot pie.

So look, I don't know how to do it. You know, it's... Just do it. You just sit him down and you, and you know, you guys obviously live together. There's no speakerphone in your future. It has to be, it has to be in person, obviously. But because you are kind of lucky that the lease is up is like a very, it's a very like, it has to happen. It's the universe telling you to do it. Yeah. So you do it maybe...

I don't know, a month before the lease is up to give him plenty of time to figure his shit out. You're going to leave. She's leaving or do it a couple weeks before you leave, I guess, or right before a week before you leave, because she said she's going away for the summer. So that motherfucker just have the place to himself until the lease is up and then be like, I'm not renewing this lease. I won't be back.

And then, yeah, it's going to be tough, but you kind of are kind of protected by the fact that you're leaving in the summer and the lease is up. Right. You just cannot let it go past that. That's the only thing. That's the only advice we can tell you. And in terms of like specifics.

Unfortunately, this is just one of those things that sucks. It doesn't get easy. It's semantics. And you have to just be like, you have to also say, we argue all the time. I really care about you. But I think it's clear that we're just not compatible at the next level of, and that's what happens. Relationships are, some relationships are great when you see each other.

Three times a month. Right. Some are great when you see each other, you know, eight times a month. Some are great when you live together. And then it just, at each level, either relationship makes it or it doesn't until you either get married or you don't. And this is clearly, you guys hit your threshold. Yeah. And I think that it's important to be honest about why. Like, I'm going to give you the first line at a breakup. Ready? Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Look.

We both know this isn't working. Oh, shit. Wow. How many times have you said that? That came out of Marie's mouth like Steph Curry shoots a jump shot. Water. Smooth. Water. Smooth. Water. That's water right there. Look. Because if I know, you know. And if you don't know, that means you done.

Either way, it's not working. It's not working. This is not happening. And she's like, he came all the way to law school. He moved here with me. Girl, he can move back. He can move back. To wherever he came from. Yeah. He'll be fine. His homies will laugh at him. Yeah. If I was him, I'd laugh my ass off when he came back. Ah, bitch ass nigga. For sure. For sure. No, this is going to be tough. But it's also like, he moved there too. But he also never took...

constructive criticism about your shared living situation. And you're in fucking law school. It's not like he moved because you were like, you know, you just... It's not like you followed him. Yeah, it's not like you were doing... You're also doing something that takes a lot of... He followed you to something that's hard for you, right? And he became...

Difficult, right? Like you're saying, she's in law school. She's not trying to be like a mom. And the last thing you need when you're in school is to feel your fucking relationship crumbling because your partner who, you know, you thought was going to be supportive is not completely not supportive, doesn't. And if he can't get it, if he can't get it right now when I'm guessing he's just working an entry level job and he's got a lot more time than you because you're in school. It's just not, you know, it's all good. This shit happens.

Don't feel guilty. The fact that he followed you there is because you had a good relationship at the time and it just didn't work out. This is reality. You'll also gain some context and perspective when you're, you know, when you, the older you get, you'll be fine. Last line for the breakup? People break up every day, B. You

You tough, right, nigga? Get some super suck. Get this motherfucker some super suck. So I gave you the first line, I gave you the last line. Fill in the rest. Fill in the blanks. It's like break up Mad Libs. You'll be all right, nigga. Yeah. Get some super suck. Yeah, get some super suck. Hey, Stav. Hey, Gus. Just a quick one for you. My best friend is moving in with me.

What? What?

Should I not have her move in? No. If you're thinking this, no. No. Next question. How do I stop having a horny moment? Yeah, that don't sound good at all. This woman doesn't want to be under attack in her home. She's going to wake up and he's going to be just like jerking off into her pillow. That's weird, bro.

Do that for her or you. You gotta be friends from a distance, baby. This is crazy, bro. She's quite attractive. I know she has no interest in me. Yikes. Oh, dude. How do you not have a horny moment? What are you talking about?

It sounds like he already has had like a horny moment. He's having a horny moment while he was recording. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, it seems like she kind of knows. Like, why would you like say yes to moving in? I don't want to victim blame here, but at the same time, why would you move in with this guy? He probably was like, I got an extra room. You don't got to worry about rent. Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, oh, God. Well, she's pretty. She's pretty. And, you know, of course, he's simping out. That's tough, though, man. And now he's singing about it like shit. Let me call Stav. And he said, I got a quick one for you because you already know.

he answered his question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. What the fuck? The fact that he's like, I know for a fact she has no interest means he's tried to fuck her already and gotten denied. Yeah. He's zoned. He's like a friend-zoned man. Truly, dude. He's the mayor of the friend zone. He's zoned. That boy is redlined. Yeah, he's getting redlined out of pussy. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

That's a goddamn shame. That is a quon shame. Girl. Oh, fuck, dude. I mean, she clearly has no other options if she's moving in with you. Yeah, I mean. Don't be weird about it. Yeah. But also, you know. This is going to air before. You got to text this guy not to move in with this girl. Because this is not going to air in time. Just give us an update after it does happen. Eldest is worried about the content.

All right, I guess that's true. Good point. If you've gone through with this, update us on how bad it's gone. Hopefully not from jail. Okay. Somebody call Olivia Benson. Yeah, damn. Yeah, don't, please God, don't ever. Here's a general rule. Here's a general rule for everyone. Don't move in with anyone that you're afraid about having a horny moment in front of. Horny moment.

As said in the paragraph. Yikes. Your home should be a place of refuge. Right. And also, like, you, as fucked up as it is, you don't want to subject anyone to unwanted advances in their home. But also, you want to be worried about that in your house? You can't be comfortable. Like, think about how you act around a girl you want to fuck.

You're not never comfortable. You're just like you're always worried about your posture. You're like sitting weird on your own couch Watch fucking make the illusion of abs Contouring and stage makeup to fucking give yourself abs, but doing this this is one of the worst yeah What's up? I worked out six times today

This is bad for like 700 different reasons. Please don't do it. Don't do it. Next question. Horny moment is so hilarious. Horny moment is insane. Hey there, Stav. How's it going? Got a real conundrum on my hands. Uh-oh. Me and my brother, we grew up on a farm. And long story short, when we were growing up, he wasn't doing so great. He was, to be honest with you, kind of a loser. Uh-oh. And he...

I decided that I'd let him have the farm essentially when my father passed, even though, you know, it was split 50-50. I went on to be a social studies teacher. And I guess long story short, we transitioned to organics and the farm has been making quite a bit more money and I go work on there.

you know, 50% of the time. And, but I always let him have most of it because, you know, here again, he didn't have much going on for him, but we started doing really well in the organic industry and we. It gets cut off, but you kind of get the idea. I don't. He's trying to get his farm back.

What do you mean I get the idea? I mean, I think he's calling, like, he gave his brother the farm when their dad died, even though, like, he was entitled to half of it. Now it's doing well. So he went that other half. Yeah. Does he? I don't know for sure. I mean, yeah, that's what it sounds like. Just some way to make it right, because the farm started doing unexpectedly well, basically. If that's his question, then...

I don't know, bro. He says he goes to work there 50% of the time. Yeah, it seems pretty messy, right? Like, legally, what's the situation? And I mean, it's not just about legal. It's about what you and your brother have, you know, you have to talk to your brother and say what's fair. Like, honestly, me and my brother, I invested in his business for,

And we have like a general agreement. We haven't even signed anything yet. I trust my brother. I don't know if this guy is, if he's there, but his, at least me and my brother talked very specific numbers, even though if it's not written down, like eventually we're going to do it with this guy.

I'm worried because it is a little nebulous, right? Like he hasn't said... Like it's 50-50, but he's like, I let my brother have it. I work there some of the time. You know, I let him keep most of it. Like these are... You can't just go off vibes and feeling with shit like this. You have to actually sit down and have a real conversation. So...

You know, hilarious that we have 3,770 calls and Eldridge is like, yeah, we don't really know what he asked, but the first 50 seconds were interesting enough. So I guess we'll just guess what the question is. This is a very open-ended thing. But if the question is,

I don't even know. I guess what I would say is talk to your brother and just... Get your money? You guys have to have a... Get your money. Get your half. Draw a line down the middle of the farm. This is your side of the farm and that's his farm. My side of the farm. Write your name on your side of the farm. If his fuck-up brother made the farm better, I think it's fair for him to get a bigger percentage than 50-50. If it wasn't doing well and the brother like...

it and made it organics, if that was all his idea, then I think you should get a better share. Whatever share, whatever you think that is. Wait a minute, let me read this again. I went on to be a social studies teacher. He's a social studies teacher. He needs the money. He does need the money. So the brother did okay. Yeah, the brother's the one who did the work, right? But the brother was able to do the work because he gave him the farm. No.

Not really. He had 50% of the farm, though. Right. Like, this is our caller here. That's his spin. But think of it. Let's say I'm the brother. I'm like, my brother fucked off and went to teach social studies because he thought I was too fucking stupid to run a farm. I took that opportunity and made it a cash cow. And now that it's successful, he wants to come back and get 50-50. Yeah, but it's saying, I think he still goes to the farm. He says he is there. And that's why this is a bad question that Elders should not have picked. Yeah.

Because we have no idea what he's asking, literally. And even what he said, we're not exactly sure what he's getting at. He's going to be asking what crop it is. Yeah.

This is a conundrum. Conundrum. This is a real conundrum. This is more top-notch producing from Eldis. A real conundrum. Wow, wow, wow. This is a social studies lesson. I mean, we have literally 3,000 calls, and you pick one that is not finished. I don't feel like we rarely get farm questions. You're right. It was a farm. You're right. We rarely litigate a farm.

Agricultural legal issues. We got to send this to the lawyer lady. That's true. That's what I'm thinking. That'll be our first case. So, I mean, it sounds like the caller is the loser now, not the brother anymore. Exactly. So it's like, can you stop teaching social studies and can you try to go into business with him? And it's your brother, hopefully. What is social studies? Social studies stunk. Social studies. Like Revolutionary War? It's like history.

1776. But what's history then? History was history. Social studies. No, social studies is like. Sociology.

It's all that shit together. It's like for high school kids, you know? I think, yeah, I think, I mean, there's no pure history class in elementary and middle. So I think social studies kind of is all those humanities wrapped up into one. It's like phonics. So yeah, either way, either way, I guess it just comes down to have a conversation with your brother and be like, I want to get back in here. And maybe you should...

Discuss what the split should be if he's okay with it being 50 50 if he's that good a guy but I don't feel like the brother gonna be like Because the brother made the farm dope he gonna let me kiss my ass if I'm the brother I would be like, okay If you really want to get back in here, I just need a little bit more of a percentage 40 60 60 40 70 whatever 30 whatever the fuck it is You guys can figure it out. They'll work it out. So yeah, good luck little buddy. I

I guess. I don't know. I hope we answered your question. Again, we're just guessing. Let's play another one, Big Eld. Hey, Stavi and Eldis. I'm a 33-year-old man, and I've been smoking weed since I was probably 21. Mm-hmm.

I smoke every day, mostly. I don't, like, take dabs or, like, do any wild shit. I mostly just, like, smoke joints and freeze pipes. I got a freeze pipe. Freeze pipe. There we go. Anyway, my question is, in reality, like, I'm a super productive person. I get a ton of shit done every day. I work out. I'm healthy. I eat healthy. I go on runs. I take my dog to the park. I stop bragging. Right? I mean, uh...

fulfilling, happy relationship. But like, I have this weird, like maybe it's from my childhood, like some Christian guilt shit. Like I don't know what it is, but I feel guilty about smoking weed lately. And it kind of came out of nowhere.

Anyway, I guess my question is, if there's something wrong with smoking weed every day, if you're still productive and get things done and live a full, happy life, thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well, first of all, this is another problem of the narrator here, who's like, my life's perfect. I would love a panel of three of your closest friends to let us know if you are indeed as productive as you claim you are. Because I know a lot of potteds, they're like, oh, dude, I'm getting a lot of shit done.

And they're not. They do one thing a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I do two things in one day, I'm like, oh, I'm thinking tomorrow off. I go celebrate by smoking one weed. Yeah. So much shit to do. But, you know, in general, in general, no, what the fuck? We're not a prudish show here.

we're not, we don't judge anyone for whatever the fuck they do. I think a little, you know, if you smoke weed every day but you do all your shit, it's kind of like somebody who has a drink every night or like, you know, it's like, is it the healthiest for you? Probably not, but everyone has their own little vice and if you have this thing and you still feel good about everything and it's not fucking your body up in other ways, then yeah. Yeah, but he doesn't feel good about it so I think you probably, in your perfect life, maybe smoke less

Maybe smoke, not every day, but smoke for the important stuff. You know? The movies, the weddings, the dinners, the sex. Like, smoke weed for the important thing. Yeah. Not just all the time. Don't wake and bake. Healthy eating and all that shit. Does he say he smokes every day? He doesn't like... He said he smokes every day. He's not even doing dabs and crazy shit. Right. 21...

Smoke weed every day. Okay, so... Yeah, that's interesting. That's a good point that he does on some level feel bad about it. I guess my thing would be if the only guilty thing is some, like, weird morality thing that's left over from, you know, dumb church bullshit, then I say keep smoking. But...

If there is some kind of deeper, because I remember thinking this way, like I was smoking weed a lot last year and I was productive from like a work standpoint, but I knew on some level, I did feel bad about it because I knew on some level it was, and I do, I've been sober so far this year and it's just, I feel better. And yeah, I miss smoking weed and I was productive technically. Now, I didn't have my whole life figured out. Like I was very unhealthy overall and it was, it's a health thing for me, but there

There's been other times in my life where pretty much everything's going good and I do get fucked up a lot, but I manage it. And there is that part of me that's like, yeah, but if I wasn't smoking weed, I would be even more productive.

Or I would just feel even better. It's probably a mix of that. So I think probably what you should do here, buddy, is at least give yourself two months with no weed. Take a break. Feel what that feels like. Especially if you're 20, if it's been every day since you're 21, you might just want to know what it, you don't even know what it's like not to smoke weed anymore, which is kind of crazy. I mean, dog don't smoke.

So yeah. You know he's blowing smoke in that dog's face. That's true. That dog's caught some wild contact. Yeah, the dog be doing dabs.

But yeah, I mean, part of the reason I went, I'm going sober this year, because I thought about it. I was like, the last time I was fully sober for a year, I was 12 years old. You know what I mean? And it's like, damn, that's a long time. Bunk bed days? Yeah, bunk bed days. You're drinking a little. You're getting kind of fucked up. You know, that was the first time. At the Greek festival, getting drunk as fuck when you're 13 years old. But yeah.

Yeah, so I think, yeah, here's what you do. You take a break, and a real break. Not a week, not like at least a month. At least a month. Two months, I would say, is the safe thing. Two months is you really want to get that shit out of your system and see how it feels. And if you're like, and maybe if you can stand it, three months. And just really give yourself as big a sample size as you feel like you can do. And if it feels better...

Then you're like, and then if you feel great, maybe don't go back. But if you're like, I like this.

But I still think I could fold weed back into it and just play around with it. See if you're a weed, like you're saying, an important, maybe on the weekends you're a weed guy. Maybe you smoke weed, you know, two times a week. Maybe you figure it out for yourself. But the only way to figure it out, whether that's guilt is just like dumb, you know, leftover church stuff or it's real because you feel like you're not living up to your potential. The only way you figure that out is with a real control group period, which is fantastic.

full sobriety for a while. Yeah. I'm not smoking this month. Good luck. Nice, really? Yeah. I mean, I'm going to smoke on Saturday for sure. It's 420. Well, that is in the month. Yeah. That is in the month. I smoked... But I'm saying I haven't been smoking for the whole month. And I don't feel bad. So, yeah. Well, I mean, I'm still high. I'm still eating edibles. Yeah.

smoking weed. I'm ingesting weed. I am not smoking it. That's what you do. Drinking weed. Drinking THC drinks. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you make some can of butter? Shut the fuck up. Make some eggs with some weed butter. There you go, fool. That's true crackhead. When you're making an omelet with weed butter, that's one of the most fucked up things I could ever imagine. That's called being an adult. Adulting style.

You fucking addicts. You fucking addicts with... You addicts with commitment issues. No problem seeing weed every day, huh, Marie? But God forbid a man you love wants to hang out. That's right. It's a hard word, that love. You don't just throw that around crazy. Woo!

Right, you guys got to figure it out. Never mind. No, I'm wrong. You're right. What do you got here, Eldest? You got a nice one here for us? All right. Hello, Stav. Hello, Eldest. Hello, guest. Long story shorter, I'm going through a friend breakup. Friend breakup? My best friend from childhood, she told me she can't come to my wedding. Oh, wow. A month before my wedding. I got really upset.

I kind of called her out because it's a bullshit answer. Like you couldn't find coverage for your shift at the retirement home bar. Oh, pause this. That's a real job. Retirement home bar.

The bar. Not even the home. That's boxed wines all over the home. On the edge. This is a cigarette. Let's just say this. Great retirement home. Yeah. It's lit. That is pretty cool. It's lit up in there. Is it in Florida? That's pretty fucking awesome. It's across from Diddy's house. There you go.

But that is also hysterical. Yeah, you couldn't find somebody to cover your shit at a retirement home bar, bitch. But every word just made it worse and better. Absolutely. To cover your shit at the retirement home bar. She's putting Jameson in applesauce for these old people. Yeah.

All right, let's see what else this lady has to say here, Elders. Leave your dentures in the bowl. Soaking the dentures. That's awesome. Dentures on the rocks. A month in advance when you knew about the wedding for a year. She got really angry about that. She cursed me out.

What?

repeating every single thing again. What the fuck was that? I was worried. She's not going to apologize that I'm crazy. People should yell at me more. And then she sent me 10 voice memos cursing me out. So I blocked her there. And then she immediately tried to get in touch with my sisters. So I don't have questions about the friendship. The friendship is over. How do I get this girl to leave my family alone?

She's literally like on a rampage trying to emotionally manipulate any family member of mine that she can into taking her side. And it's fucked up and it's very sad. And now it's two weeks before my wedding. So just wondering what you would do to get her out of my life permanently so I can live my best life. Wow.

I would say you mail an envelope to her home that says, congratulations, you've just won free tickets to the gathering of the Juggalos, which I'm assuming she's a huge fan of. And then it's actually just a...

That it's just a one way ticket there and you just leave her there. There's no way she has the resources to get home. That's what that's what I would do. This is fucking this is some of the most fucking trash, trash behavior I've ever like mom and her sisters trying to get bitches on her side screaming saying it's not my fault. It's like 10 voice memos. And I was about to be like, well, yeah, that's I mean, she hit her on WhatsApp.

That's where aunties send us stuff from around the country. Exactly. That's for aunts from the Barbados to send you glittering Jesus memes. Jesus memes. Yes.

That's really not for this sort of thing. What's up? What's up? So go up. How long have they been friends? Did she say since they were childhood? But I am. Okay. A couple of little context clues here. Okay. Retirement. Uh,

home bar plus her friend's behavior this to me feels like a pretty white trash friendship and that this girl is probably 20 getting married so it's like they're probably not because this is behavior that's not I mean if a 35 year old is behaving like this a 30 year old is behaving like this even if anyone over the age of 25 is behaving like this that's crazy but I guess it's not out of the realm of possibility Florida's real

What's the area code? We won't say it, but just out of curiosity. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah. A trash place, folks. Let's just say that. And I'm more familiar now because I'm from that church.

Yeah, these are the whites Derek's family look down on from their suburban go-kart track. Derek's family call the cops on these ones. The whites are around our go-kart track. The dirty whites. The dirty whites.

Yeah, this is fucking nuts. Yeah, but your family is your family. Yeah. And you have a wedding coming up in two weeks. Like, they should, in my mind, all be taking your side. But I think she... I don't even... I don't think it's that. It's that... How do you get this person to stop behaving this way? Like, she's just like... At this point, this person is a menace. Right. How do I get her to just fucking leave my family alone? Which is tough. I mean...

Has she done anything illegal? We don't really like to promote going to the cops on this show. No. But has she done anything? Can you get a restraining order or some shit? I don't know. How is she so, how does she have all this time to curse you out and call your family when she can't get her shift covered? You can't get the shift at the retirement home bar covered, but you have time to send me 10 voice memos. Yeah. This is fucking nuts.

I'm trying to think of anything, if I've experienced anything close to this, and I don't think so. So sad. I mean, hiring fucking, this sucks, but hiring, like, this kind of person, this kind of person now might show up to the wedding to fuck it up. Right, right. So, like, I'm more worried about the, like, I'm struggling to find any advice

advice other than you just have to wait a person like this out. You, like, it would be insane if she continues to do this for months and months and years even. Like, for the wedding, you might literally consider hiring security. Absolutely. Because you don't want this fucking lunatic coming in here. You gotta put her picture up in front of every entrance and be like, don't let this person in. Yeah, you don't want her... Shadowbant. Yeah. You don't want her crashing into your wedding cake on her uncle's dirt bike. Yeah.

God damn. This is fucking... I mean, I would consider a restraining order if she's talking about abusive...

violent shit, but in terms of just... Emotionally neglecting? How do you let... I mean, you're gonna have to have your mom talk to her, because I don't think she'll curse your mother out. Who knows what the fuck that dumb bitch like this... Ten voice memos. But I think you're gonna have to have your mom talk to her and be like, hey, your family still, but...

This gotta wait till after the wedding. Some lying is a good point. Having your mom, who she seems to respect, be like, look, we're gonna work this out. You guys just need to chill. Let the wedding go off as planned and we'll figure this shit out. Right. And just let it cool off. And then, you know, since she's gonna miss the wedding, whatever aunt is shooting on an iPad. Yeah.

at the wedding have that auntie send her the footage so she feels like she's there send it on whatsapp a zoom call a zoom wedding I also feel for her because I get like yes it's almost like the easiest way to handle someone like this is to semi appease them but she doesn't deserve that you know what I mean that's the hard part she doesn't deserve it but also you don't deserve your wedding to get destroyed by her so that's why it's like send the mom in

Have the mom be like, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. Yeah. Put a date on the books for after the wedding for y'all to talk. Yeah. And then if you don't want to talk to her, don't show up. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that you have to wait out. These lunatics are not going to just fucking... You can't reason with her.

You can't be like, hey, this is crazy how you're behaving because she's being a fucking bitch. And you just have to tell your, I mean, it's crazy for her to get all your family members involved. But you just have to be like, block her. Please don't engage with her. You know, you have to be apologetic. And it sucks that she put you in that position. But that's all you can do. And yeah, a fucking insane friend. That's crazy. It's crazy.

I'm going to drink it to the tire of my home bar. Anything short and fun for us to go out on here, Eldis? Or was that your big closer? Truck stop. No, no, here, I got one. Okay. Hold on. All right. So it was your big closer. Let's see you scramble. Let's see you scramble. I love this. I love when we put you on the spot.

You know I always got something. Well, you say that. I'm not seeing a lot of action on the Google Voice page. I mean, it's like 98 tabs. It's a lot of tabs. All right, here we go.

Hey, what's up, guys? What's up, Stob, Eldest? Yes. This is just a response to the guy that called him live show or the Cush Brothers episode about what's the benefits of having four skins. European girlfriend. I am circumcised.

And I get so much shit for it. Like she makes fun of my dick. All of her friends have their foreskin. So the benefits are the rest of the world has their fucking foreskin. We don't in the States. And we look fucking stupid to them. So if being an American was even better...

Are you know getting made fun of for everything that we've done like Trump and politics and bombing the whole world? On top of that we snip our cocks. So we're looks fucking stupid. Oh every piece of great art This shows cock may have foreskin great. We look fucking stupid. That's the great Not being certain. Thank you. So just an ally to the unclips community. Have a great and we're happy to have you I

We're happy to have you. That's what I like. You know, a traitor to his clipped cock brethren. Come along to the natural side, my friend.

We're doing research on how to get it restored for you. You know how Hot Topic managers stretch their earlobes out with gauges? We're figuring that technology out for your snipped foreskin. They're doing a lot of work with stem cells. Yeah. Where the skin rebuilds itself.

It's grafted. It's grafted. It's a skin graft of some sort. That's beautiful, Eldest. Thank you. We use the DNA from Frodo. Yeah, we could do that. We'd get an animal with a similar foreskin. The way they use pig heart valves for heart transplants. That's probably... That's fucking crazy.

I don't know about pig but you know touch me with that I'm kosher I'm Muslim I can't do it so yeah thank you thank you for coming out strong for the uncircumcised community my friend

And I love that his European girlfriend makes fun of his dick. That's awesome. But also has seen all her friends' dicks. Yeah, I know that, man. That's what stuck out for me. This girl put his streets. She put his uncircumcised streets. And we're happy to have her, too.

All her friends. It's so funny. They have four skin parties? I guess I'm hoping. Something. What I'm hoping is happening is that they're all like, you know, drinking or whatever or having dinner or whatever. And she's like, my fucking dumb boyfriend's clipped. And all her unclipped boys are like, ah, fucking pussy. I think it's something like that. They're all putting their dick on the table. I hope she has it.

Yep, beautiful. So that's nice. That is a nice heartwarming note to go out on, Eldis. Thank you very much. Derek, Marie, thank you so much for coming. Great episode. Hey, man, thanks for having me, man.

- She had a great time. - And yeah, is there anything you do wanna plug? - Well, if you come out and just go first. - Well, I host the live dating show, Why Are You Single? - Oh yeah. Yeah, it's so funny, I meant to ask shit about that, and then we just started talking about Derek's suburban childhood, and we were off to the races. - We were like, homie, look, you're richy rich.

No, I'm Kevin McCavis. You're Montana Mac.

Yeah, why are you single? I'm doing that in New York once a month. I'm doing it in a couple different cities in the fall, I think. So look out for that. And then, you know, come find me on Instagram. It's Reezy, R-E-E-E-Z-Y. I love it. See you there. Derek? Yeah, well, I'm doing a lot of touring this summer, so whenever this comes out, you catch me on tour with Pete Davidson.

And I'm also still doing stuff for, like our tour is over. By the time this comes out, the four tour with no need for apologies will be over. But we'll still be booking dates. So look for us in a cool part of town and follow me on Instagram at thegreatboy, T-H-E-T-R-E-A-T-B-O-Y. And we had a great episode with your partner. Oh, Dave Temple, funny shit. Dave Temple, funny shit. Uh,

And one of our first episodes was with you and Mateo, too. Yeah, Mateo. Those were some great vintage episodes of Stavi's World, folks. Classic episodes. We'll see you next time. Thanks for watching. Bye-bye.