#72 - Liz Miele and Carmen Lynch
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Welcome everybody to Stavish World. 90800-STOB. I always forget. It's a Jacksonville area code. We just gotta use a stop at the end, so I always forget. Anyway, call in. We'll solve your problems. I'm very happy to have on the couch this week, we have Liz Mealy and Carmen Lynch.

Very funny comics. Me and Liz, I mean, it's crazy because I feel like you would come to Baltimore, like Maryland, really just kind of randomly. You were like a comic from New York that would just do gigs in Baltimore. Like we just met when I was like really pretty early on in comedy. Yeah, no, I think I've known you 10 years.

Yeah, at least, for sure. Yeah, because, so my older sister went to GW. Yeah. And she's lived in, like, the DMV area for, like, 20 years. Oh, wow, okay. So I, there's a lot of people that almost think I'm a DC comic. Yeah. Because I would come, like, two, three times a year because I was on a couch to sleep on. I remember, yeah, yeah, you would come and it was like, it was cool because it was like, these were really, I mean, the open mics I started were really dog shit. Just really bad stuff. Old Uncle Dave. Yeah. Uncle Dave.

Eldest remembers Uncle Dave. Oh, yeah. He's a cool guy. Oh, man. The local Maryland, like...

open mic like these people had egos because they were open mic bookers and it was like crazy how insane but they were like compared to New York open mics you could actually do there were people there so it was like good that small room at the Arlington Draft House that was awesome that was like awesome with like Randy and Andy and then Ramin had a bunch of good rooms Ramin shout out to Ramin Mostafavi he has great rooms but is Uncle

Dave the one that was like in the back of that restaurant or like do you know what I'm talking about where you go down some steps almost all of them were in the back of a restaurant down some steps everything like I started in a fish restaurant followed by a wings restaurant like there was all like um but yeah Uncle Dave yeah he was just like he just had a bunch of whole I mean they were good whatever but it was just cool because you would come down and it was like

When you start doing comedy anywhere but New York, just someone who's been to New York, you're like, oh my God. She's a hero. She knows, she probably knows Conan O'Brien. You know, it's like. He turned four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, it was like, we were such comedy nerds. And you're a good comic and it was cool to see you because it was like, oh, this is awesome. But it was like.

could just, like, people would, other people who were worse at comedy would just come and pretend. They were like, it was like a really, it was funny to see people have like ego trips and be like, because, you know, they were probably failing here and they would come down to Baltimore and be like, yeah,

It's tough up there. But it was cool. You were always awesome and you had great advice and it was cool to watch you. And then that's how we also met because you guys have been friends forever. Yeah. Yeah, truly. We were roommates too. Which is so fun. I love on the show to have people that have their own. Because it's always fun to tap into a different friend vibe onto the show. It also made me laugh because he emailed me. He was just like, would you want to do it, Carmen? I think you guys were roommates or you're enemies. Just like...

let me know. I remember you guys were connected somehow. I'm like, that bitch? I wrote, I hate her, but fine. Well, it's always funny because people that are, it is very volatile because 90% of the time it's great and people are pumped and then 10% I ask that and it's like,

Nah, I can't do that right now. And it's like clearly some horrific falling out has happened. But yeah, it is cool, you guys. It's awesome to have roommates. So how did we meet? I think just through Liz. Because she figured out like, oh, there's no good comics in Baltimore. So I'm going to bring my friends to be able to headline these. So it was cool. You were like, you had like a little, it was, I met a lot of good comics. But yeah, we probably met again. One of those horrible, you know, these promoters were just like paying your comic like,

$300 to headline or whatever. And it was just like, you know, so it was cool. I still do those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they were fun. They were fun. And I did meet a ton of good comics. But yeah, it is crazy to be like, oh, this person. I definitely feel getting old because I'm like, oh, I have like decade-long memories that feel like they were yesterday. That's new. You know what I mean? Where you're like, that was 10 years. This person who I feel like I just met,

It's like, oh yeah, that was one decade ago. I have 20-year-old memories, and that's fucking wild for me. I think also in this business... Carmen and Elizabeth, we're thrilled to have you here in the same room that I am.

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Now, what were you gals saying here in New York City? I think I saw Carmen the second show I ever did. Whoa. So we didn't become friends. Already stalking me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was at Rose's Turn. Do you remember Rose? I remember Rose's Turn. Which is this bar in the West Village that had a really high stage. So she's already six feet tall. And then it was this high stage, and I swear she was like a unicorn. I walked in, and I was like, oh my, I'm too young and too tiny to be here. I literally...

There's an 11-foot-tall woman on stage. Who's that giant? It was so intimidating. And then over the years, I heard her name, and then we became friends and roommates. But it is like I have a very strong memory that the second time I ever did stand-up, I saw Carmen. Oh, interesting. The weirdest part, though, is when you see people who started after you, and they're starting to look old. Yeah. And you're like, how old am I? No, totally. I feel like I do. That happens a lot. I feel like I have caused a lot of...

existential crises because I keep looking like shit. I just like, just keep, I'm just like, don't take care of myself. And like, I feel like a few people remember me from like, oh, because I was like, I used to open for Bobby. Like we had Norton on here and I was talking about like how I liked him when I was a little kid. And like for a guy like me to be like, I loved you when I was a little kid. You must be like, oh, I'm on death's door. Yeah.

Like, I trigger a lot of those. But, yeah, and you also, you guys have both, you're supposed to be out for a while, Carmen, Queef Week. Yes. Yep, great name. Anytime you can sneak Queef in there. I think that's perfect because it's just not, like, it's just, like, dirty enough to not get, but YouTube doesn't understand it, maybe. Well, I had it checked. And so you slide through. I had someone look up Queef to make sure that,

That it was okay. Queef due diligence. It's like, okay. And then it's on Mark Norman's podcast and he loves that word. He loves saying queef. So we looked it up on his page and he has a video that went viral that says queef. So we were like, it's fine. It's perfect. I think it's just walks the line just right. I love our business though. I had a really busy week. I had a research week.

Hey mom, I can't talk right now. I'm doing real research. I'm missing the recital. I have to talk to a queef expert. I have to talk to a queef Google expert. But the funny part is I'm doing the Spanish one and people are like, well, what's queef in Spanish? And they don't have a word. So it's queef week is la semana del pedo vaginal, which is the week of the vaginal fart. Right.

That's right after the running of the bulls, right? It's kind of like the female equivalent. These guys just running from women queefing. Can you keep your hat on while every woman in Barcelona queefs at you? Yeah, and then you win. You get to kill them. What did you name it? Just Carmen Lynch en Español because I want people to know that... You didn't want people to think it was a porn thing?

I didn't want people to think that that's like my Spanish as a native. Yeah. Because it's not perfect. Right. So they're like, what's wrong with their Spanish? He talks like an eight year old because I lived there until I was eight. Right. So they're like, oh, it's an Espanol. Yeah. We get it. We get it. That's interesting because like, and you also have a special coming out, but I do want to

That's also fun because you're like a crypto foreign person because you just look like a white lady. But you did have... And Spain is also just a fascinating place because I'm like, it's sort of like... I mean, it is foreign. I mean, Greek is the same way where it's like... But I feel like Spanish people have less of a defined...

There's no like stereotypes. I think part of it is because everyone thinks of Spanish because of like Latin America and America mostly. So it's like no one really knows what Spanish people... Everyone knows that you say, you know, it's fun to be like Barcelona or Ibiza and that's all you know. And then like, so it's just like interesting. But let's also plug your murder sheets. Yeah, murder sheets. Coming out. What's the date? April 2nd. April 2nd. Love it. Watch it. It's probably already April. It's past April 2nd, Eldest. Is that right? Yeah.

or is it about a month before today no it's not you know we're yeah oh sorry anyway no no it's okay it's all right no yes it's out now it's out now pull up the schedule you can leave actually it's the most she's also doing it in spanish el barcelona

El Barcelona. That's really well done. So wait, I didn't realize you lived there. I knew your mom was Spanish, but I didn't know you lived there until you were eight. I was born in America, but we lived there because my dad was in the Navy. So we lived there until I was eight. Interesting. And then we moved back. Stationed there? Is that how you met your mom? Stationed, yes. Classic.

my mom in Barcelona off a ship. He was on a ship and he, and that's where I did my Spanish special was where they met. Whoa. So that bar is still there. That's crazy. Yeah. That's weird. And she's looking for her husband. Yeah. That's what, that is a classic, like just meet a lady in a foreign country and then just bring her, bring her. Yeah. Bring her back. And she didn't even speak. They didn't speak each other's language.

I'm serious. That's awesome. That goes to show you what was important to your father. And the relationship's like, perfect. I can't even understand when she's complaining. She's hot. I can at least hand signal, let her know what I'm trying to smash and everything else. She makes some paella and I'm good to go. Well, they only went out four times.

in about a year and a half. So it's funny, this came up during Dan Soder's podcast and that's all we talked about for like an hour and a half because there are these letters that they wrote each other in between those four dates and we were like, what's on those letters if they don't speak the language? And we're like, stick figures. Your dad traced his penis. He's like, cover your tits in charcoal and press them on a big sheet of paper and send them over. Yeah.

There's no Google Translate. There's nothing. Are you going to the library and you're just trying to figure out what she's saying? And then there's also just the idea of, I don't know, dudes don't even text back. They're writing long letters that you have to get translated. It is funny. You find if you read some book from the 1800s, it's like platonic friends are like,

I long to feel your... To grasp your hand and draw the same breath as you. And now it's like, sup, what are you up to? You know, like 1 a.m., which... Yeah, I don't know. It is funny how quickly it's deteriorated. It hasn't taken long. Everything's, like, much more visual. I guess when you didn't have pictures constantly, you had to, like, use your brain and write shit. You had to be creative. But, yeah, that is so interesting that they would write letters...

And I guess have a friend...

My mom had a friend. The night they met, my mom had a friend with her and she translated. Oh, interesting. So somehow it worked out. They're still together. That's crazy. Yeah. That's insane. How old were they? When they got married, they were 28. Oh, okay. All right. That's actually... She's like old, which is really old back then. I was going to say that's actually... I was about to make fun of them because it's like, oh, they're dumb children. Nobody wanted anything. That came up on... We were talking with Diversion. I'm trying to write a bit about this where it's like,

My whole life, it's like you want to take... Everyone's like...

takes relationship advice from grandparents really seriously. It's like, oh, they have so much wisdom. But then you think about it, it's like, these are people that probably married the first or second person they fucked. And it's like, they don't know shit. Or not even fucked. Or not even fucked, you're right. You know what I mean? Like, literally, they showed up on time and they're like, I like that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's like, they just didn't know shit. They just had no options. Like, it's not a coincidence that as soon as Facebook started,

So many people started cheating. Everyone when they like... They would look up their exes. It was like, yeah, it was like 50-year-old people were having affairs. It's like, yeah, your grandparents didn't know shit. They just didn't have the opportunity to cheat. They just didn't understand how to do it. It was too like complicated. It was too hard and now they're like, cheating made easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that is interesting. 28 is like, yeah, that's pretty... So, all right, maybe...

I guess maybe they were both desperate. I don't know what it is, but your mom really wanted to get to America. She wanted to leave her family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is always funny because sometimes situations like that, you're like, oh, they just wanted it. They did want to leave their family. They wanted to get out of wherever they were, and it's like...

That feels opportunistic, but then it's also like, but if it works and everyone's happy, who cares? Like, it's kind of nice. It's kind of nice to find. And it's almost a romantic where it's like, oh, this person was like my ticket out. I love them even more, not for who they are, but what they provided for me. And I'm sure it's both, but you know what I mean? It's just like, but it does get hard later. Like my sister did the same thing backwards. So she went to America, fell in love with a Spanish person and moved to Spain. Yeah.

Wow. That's fascinating. And it's pretty crazy. And my therapist says it's not a coincidence. No way. Of course not. You're a therapist. Yeah. Anybody who's ever heard that story could tell you that. Yeah. You think that was just random happenstance? I mean, I find it like, I don't know. My mom went through a lot when she did it because she couldn't be near her family. Right, right, right. So when my sister did it, it just kind of triggered my mother. Like, what are you doing?

Well, it's almost like... I left for a better life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it's got to be like... She probably... Because I definitely relate to... You know, my parents came here from Greece when... Right before... Like, a few years before I was born. They came in, like, the 80s. And my dad... I was born in 89. They came here in 82. Yeah.

And my dad has complained my whole life about how like you, I'm away from my fam. Like it's kind of, he just likes to complain. And I could totally see your sister probably being tired of your mom complaining about how hard it was. And then being like, watch bitch. Shut the fuck, it's not that hard. She was like that because we had email.

There were flights. Oh, true, true, true. She speaks fluent. My sister speaks fluently in both languages. My mother didn't. So she was like, I got this. But now she's going through it because, you know, my parents are old. And she's like, oh. But what is actually really interesting, because I know your relationship with your boyfriend, your boyfriend moved from L.A. to come be with you in New York. So everybody in a relationship did some kind of voyage. Well, he says he did it for his son, but I always give him a hard time. I'm like, and a little bit me. Yeah.

But anytime he's at a party, he's like, well, I moved back for my son. And I'm like, what? You're like cutting yourself in a corner. You're like, okay. That's awesome. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's fascinating that everyone's moving. But you're staying put. You're not going anywhere. I try to leave, but I just don't like it anywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is awesome. I always come back. We're forever roommates.

When did you guys, how long were you roommates? We were roommates for three years. More, five. Five years? Yes, because I had just gone through that breakup. Yeah, we used to go on double dates. And then my boyfriend dumped me. And then, yeah, and she like held me. And then two years later, she broke up with her boyfriend. And she was just like, I think I want to move out of my place. And I was like, I have a place.

Yeah, it was so creepy because I was like, I think I need a new environment. And then it was like, ring, I have a room. And I was like, did she care?

she kick out a roommate i love her so much this is my favorite part about carmen though so so you know it was a three bedroom and it was like a medium-sized room but she lived by her you live by yourself for like 11 years so it was a big change for her to like come live with somebody and i show her the room oh yeah she goes and talks to her therapist and she goes my therapist says that i should sleep over to see how i feel like and you know i'm we're girls i was like

So I like planned like a whole weekend for us. I was like, we're going to the beach. We're going to go for a run. Can you tell I can't make decisions? Yeah, that's insane. My therapist is like, try it out. Yeah, your recruitment visit. Liz is like rolling out the red carpet. It's like, that's not what life is like. We didn't know each other that well. A little bit. No, we used to go out.

like we were friends and we would like go on double dates but you know how like comedy is where like at first you see somebody at a show a couple of times and you're like oh they're funny they seem nice and like I like almost asked her out to become friends because there was one week where we had like four shows together and we would always walk to the subway together and then it would be like

oh, well, I'll see you around. It is nice. It's like you get to almost like micro-dose friendships with people. Yeah. Because it is intense. Like those hangs can be intense. Like there are people that I have probably spent cumulatively hanging

four hours with, but I've known them for 12 years. And like, I know like when their parents died and it's like, it's not like a, you really get into it. There's no, everyone is just open to it. And then you're right. It's like, sometimes those can be really, those can be, you're like, well, let's hang out outside of it. And it's like, wow, this person rocks. And then another time you're like, oh, I've made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. And now Ian finance is my friend forever.

And now I can't shake the fucking guy no matter what. But I remember when Liz was like aggressive in a good way. I'm an aggressive friend. She's like, do you want to go for coffee? And do you want to go do this and see a movie? And I was like, I'm the opposite. I'm like, if they want to be my friend, they'll just come over. Sure, sure, sure. It's really bad. It's passive. I get that. But I did. I courted her for quite some time. She courted me. And then we went on double dates together. And then she was...

She had like a small thought about moving and I was like, I have a room, come over, we'll have a sleepover, there's no ghosts, please be my roommate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are a great like, you're a classic like friend couple. Yeah, it's like a classic, almost like it does feel like it's like a cartoon thing where it's like the little spunky one, like the tall aloof one, you know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, me and Eldis have a very, me and Eldis are basically the red and yellow M&M. So I know, I know what those relationships are like where it's like, you know. I mean, I've, Carmen like pretty much saved me, but like I am, I'm very angry. I'm like, I'm very, I'm very, I'm like, I'm like a tiny chihuahua just ready to fight. And Carmen's like, hey,

Carmen's like, hey, bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's gone the other way, too. Like, you've saved me. I mean, we've definitely balanced each other out. I had a therapy chair. I literally just had this chair I'd had for like 15 years. And both my old roommate, Chris, and Carmen, they would knock on my door and they'd be like, can we do therapy chairs? And I was like, oh, yeah, buddy.

And they would just rant about like, uh, Chris, Chris was a, uh, a photographer and he would just like rant about models and like Carmen would come in and be like, I hope this booker dies. And I'm just like, I'm just like, okay, let's, let's work it out. You can tell who had the big room. I love it. Yeah. But it was, it was, I mean, I, it was probably one of the most important cause it was 10 years into, uh,

My career and I was, you know, I think we all hit that kind of place where you're just like, I don't like either I'm going to quit or I'm going to figure it out. Right. And I don't think I was on the verge of quitting, but I was on the verge of being bitter. Totally. Because there's definitely a time where you're like.

It's not fun anymore. It is your job. And then when you're like, well, it's this thing I used to love. Now is my career and it's not going well. So it's not making me, it's not fulfilling me like it used to when it was like a hustle. Now it's the thing. And then it's like, oh, it's my source of income. There is definitely that point where you're like, oh, am I going to live like this forever? Like something has to change. Well, at first it feels like it's you're on a high.

Yeah. Like, you discovered it. I remember I didn't even mean to do stand-up. Like, I was living in New York. And I was like, what's this for acting? Oh, cool. Okay. And I was frustrated because, like, all the... I'd get a callback and the guy was like, 5'2". And I was like, I'm not going to get this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I...

I went to a show and I was like, oh my God, I thought people on stage were just funny all the time. I didn't know they wrote jokes. Like I knew nothing about standup. People still don't, people still like, so you do, you just make that up every time. It's like, I'm, I, I'm on the road. I do four, I do like six shows a week and you think I do six hours of improvisational being hilarious? Well, they watch Mrs. Maisel and they think that people just walk on stage and just go, I had a horrible day. Huge laughs. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, stand up and anyway, sorry to cut you off, but so you're on the call back. Yeah, so you're like. Oh, so then I decided to do stand up and I was like, what's this? This is amazing. And then it was this like, like I got married to stand up without even real. Like I just got. It was a high. Yeah, yeah. Which is funny because the last time I felt that high was when we came back from the pandemic. And I was like, oh my God, I haven't felt this good about stand up in so long. I'm like hugging comics I don't like. I'm like, come here, bud.

I was so happy for like two months just to be like indoors and telling jokes but for me like 10 years in I had to actually because I was so miserable that I had to figure out what was making me I like couldn't figure out why I was upset and I realized because a girlfriend of mine that was like not a comic like I knew her from high school was like well if you hate comedy so much why do you do it and I was so mad at her because I was like I don't fucking

fucking hate comedy. I love comedy. But it made me realize like I love comedy. I love the puzzle of joke writing. I like getting up. Everything about comedy is great. The business makes me suicidal. Totally, totally. Just genuinely. It's like constant rejection and it doesn't make sense. And you know, just the pettiness and the sadness of being like, but I did what they did. Why are they there? And I couldn't. And all the sociopaths you need to like. Oh my God. Any entertainment thing, it's like so many people are like

So they like look like if you can't help them they're looking past you it's like half the but you meet some really great people then even the great people are wildly mentally ill And the only ones who aren't mentally ill are Sociopaths that are just like how can I get this next thing and like how can I use a person for it is I get that I totally get and then I think when you're a genuine person you're just constantly getting hurt. You know what I mean? So I did I felt like somebody would ask me for something I'd be like they want to be my friend like I was a puppy dog

You know, I chased Carmen. Every time somebody talked to me, I was like, oh, they want to be my friend. And then they would blow you off and you're like, oh my God, I'm a loser. Nobody wants to be my friend. I'm bad at this. Or some creep is trying to fuck you for sure. I mean, that's for women in comedy. We have so many stories about that because they would always go after Liz. I don't know if I just scared them. But I was like, I'm never their target. It was awesome.

It was always Liz. She'd come back and she'd be like, so-and-so wrote me. And I'm like, leave her alone! You know? Dude, I won't say who the comic was, but one of my strongest memories is I was at Caroline's and I was hosting and Joe List was featuring. And I went to go shake his hand and he held onto my hand and Joe goes, not this one. No!

oh my god and I was like what Jesus yeah no it is so it is such a it is yeah it's brutal like it's so so when you guys are like 10 years so you're saying you're at this point and that's when Carmen was sort of like came in and well we were struggling with all that stuff well we were we were living together and it was actually when her career was taking off and that's such a hard place to be in where you're happy for your friend this is like a

big moment. I'm aware that it's a big moment and I'm miserable. So you're like smiling and she'll be like, how are you doing? You're like, hold it in and hold it in. And I'm, you know, I'm better now with therapy, but I wouldn't say anything. And there'd just be this moment. She'd be like, how are you? And I just be crying at the kitchen table for like two hours.

I understand how she continued to ask me how I was. I could see it in your face. I was like, we need to talk. And it was the therapy kitchen, too. Yo, therapy kitchen. Because I remember. Therapy apartments. There were moments. Because I got.

think I got Letterman while we lived together and it was the first one and it was all like it was one of those moments where like because there was so much there was actually a lot of scandal around Letterman where it was like they weren't booking female comics oh yeah Eddie Brill or whatever yeah and she was the first female comic they booked afterwards and she murdered like I there's there's just like with you know how it is with your friends like you you couldn't

be more proud and excited. You're happy. Yeah, you're actually happy. Yeah. But you do, it is also hard in this business where all of a sudden you're like, nobody's taken anything away from me, but it's just very obvious I'm not there either. You know what I mean? And it's like, how do you maintain these friendships? And I, it took real work and real therapy to be like, I want to continue to be friends with people and be proud of them, but I am struggling to be a mature adult about this. And it was really, you know what I mean? Like that was over 10 years ago. And, and like, and it's,

I think this business, you can go one or two ways where you can grow as a person or you can go down that path of being a psychopath. And I think I was on the psychopath path, if I'm being honest. Well, I was going to say, give yourself some credit. I'm sure the rest of your life was going bad too.

At the time, like, it wasn't just your career, you know? I'm sure everything else was going bad, too. You know, bad relationships. We've talked about her family. You have a weird family, too. You have, like, a bizarre family, also. That's valid. You have, like, a jacked old mom, I feel, I remember. My mom is jacked. Oh, my God. She's a badass.

My mom's pretty dope. So I'm one of five kids. And my mom got into powerlifting. She got into CrossFit and then powerlifting. At what age? 50s is when she started to do CrossFit. And now she's in her late 60s and she powerlifts. My mom was a competitive powerlifter. That's awesome. I think that she can deadlift like 320 pounds. And she's like not too much bigger than me. You know what I mean? I think she should be your security guard. Oh, I joke about it all the time. Absolutely.

Absolutely. She, I mean, she's, she's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. It's really impressive. But like, she was also scary as a kid. So it was like one of those things where I was just like, well, I'm glad she got fit later. Yeah. Right. Right.

But yeah, I mean, I'm one of five kids. There's so much mental illness in my family. So it's just like one of those things where like I was very scared that I was going to lose my mind and I was very aware of it. And I never told anybody my feelings whatsoever. And it's so weird because I think we all are pretty honest on stage. But we're

you would get off stage and you tell, you wouldn't say anything to anybody. And I think it took me a long time to, like people would be like, you're so open. And I'm like, I'm so open. And then realize I've never told a boyfriend a feeling. It took me so long to realize that I could be one way in one situation and another way in the other. And it, I was quite, I started comedy really young, but I was quite immature emotionally. And I think creatively for a long time. So I do feel like it's taken me a while to like catch up.

But I also think you're very mature because there are moments where like Adrienne and I, it's like the three of us a lot. And we are like, mom, mom.

Like, what do we do? You know? Well, that makes sense. That checks out. Like, having three people taking turns, you know, two people. One person takes turns just being the responsible one and then the other. It's like, you only have to be responsible a third of the time because the other two are kind of taking up the slack. For sure. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I'll call up Carmen, I'll call up Adrian Appaloochee and I'll just be ranting. Like, just fuck this person, da-da-da-da. And it's, you know it's bad when Adrian's like, I think you're

wrong. She's like, I think they're actually being nice. And it's a real wake-up call where you're like, I might be overreacting. Yeah, yeah. Adrienne Appaloochee for everybody, really funny comic also. But also, yes, a person that I would say usually would want, like,

Yeah. So she's the one who's like, you need to chill. No, it's the problem. Yeah, that is. So like when you guys were roommates, what was the main dispute? Was there ever like a living dispute? I was always the messy one. Although I would get pissed off because Eldest was the second messy.

So we've been roommates. We've been friends forever. And we had a, it was me, him, our friend Christina, and a comic that Ryan shut, actually. And Christina and Ryan were, like, clean people. Tall, right? Yeah, tall Ryan. Also from, like, Baltimore area. Yes, from D.C. Yeah, I remember Ryan. And Christina and Ryan were, like, Christina was messy for a girl, which means she was the cleanest one in the apartment. Yeah.

And Ryan was pretty like orderly, whatever. And I definitely was the slob, but Eldis was not that far behind. But he would take cover in that. It all of a sudden, when it's time to clean up the apartment, it's like three against one. It's like, let's relax, Eldis.

You're just not as bad as I am. I could do my dishes just a little bit more than stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, he was more aware of the dynamics. So, like, he knew when Christina was about to explode, he would conveniently do a dish on the day we're about to get yelled at for not being clean. I believe these dishes...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so that was a big... I would always get pissed. I would always literally bring that up whenever it was time. Like, look, I will clean more, but I need you to yell at Eldest a little more. Like, I just need in this conversation him to take a little flack right now. That's all.

I mean, I don't know. I think it was Chris that was the problem, honestly. And I live with Chris. Oh, he's wonderful. And I lived with Chris for 11 years. But, and it's funny because he now has, he lives in the apartment I moved out of still and he has two different roommates and the girl that took my room is the messy one. So now, he's apologized to me twice because like, I'm,

I don't think I realized like I'm a pretty clean person. I'm not like 100 percent, but I would say I'm at like 70 percent clean. And and my roommate, because after she left, I lived with my sister's best friend, John. So John was like, would do the dishes, but like was kind of dirty. And Chris was like, this isn't my problem. Yeah. And I would be on the road. So, you know, you'll be on the road for three weeks. We had a dishwasher, which is like magical. And I come home to a pile of dishes and I was like, guys, we have a dishwasher. Yeah.

you know what I mean? And it's like, I don't, I shouldn't have to wash a plate when I haven't been home for three weeks. And that's where I would like lose my mind. And so I, I, you know, I love these people. These are my friends. And I, I kind of got myself down to like where 40% of clean was what I did. What I was okay

And I would explode at anything less than 40%. And then I moved out and I live by myself now. And I don't think I realized how much I was suppressing my cleanliness because it's so important to me. Interesting. But you learn dynamics where it's just like, is this fight worth losing a friend? Right. You pick your battles. Yeah, it's like a relationship. But I think...

I think for us, we didn't really have like issues. I'd say they'd be more like little friend issues. But I don't think we had roommate issues. We'd have... The only main roommate issue we had is that she had this wonderful cat. Pasta. Yeah, pasta. Rest in peace.

I loved pasta. Pasta was my first pet because I never was, no one, my parents were like, you're not getting a cat or a dog. So pasta was like my baby when Liz was out of town. But she was like, only when Liz was out of town, she was like, oh, you're good enough now. And I'm like, fuck you. Like, ah!

She'd like whine in front of my door. You were a side piece for pasta. Yeah. But she was great. And we had a web series, all three of us, called Apartment C3, which really, I mean, it was a training ground. I learned so much about editing and just sketch writing and working with others because we worked by ourselves so much. Yeah, yeah. But one of my favorite silly memories is we had one bathroom and I was in the bathroom. One bathroom's brutal. Yeah. One bathroom, three people's brutal. Especially two girls. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

But I usually, pasta would usually be in the bathroom with me, but I think I had to pee and I shut the door and Carmen took a picture of pasta sitting outside the door. Just waiting. Just waiting. And she was like, God, the bathroom line is so long today. But she would literally be just like, wait for live. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I think I was triggered by that attention. I'm like, what about me, bitch?

We had like a sibling rivalry. That's hilarious. That was my cat. That's so funny too. And it's like, I mean, we had two bathrooms here, but remember the era when the main bathroom was perennially? It was like you never knew if it would flush. Yeah, totally. There was like a time where that would just get clogged and it was nothing you did. It was just like every...

400 flushes it was getting clogged yeah and we never you're like and it was never like a system yeah we were never like well this is no one's fault we should all pitch in it was always like ah ha ha clogged for you dickhead you gotta clean it and then it wouldn't get done and then we would just be like sneaking into the you know the i think it was was it your bathroom at the time this one no that it was uh christina still lives here oh it's

the other one. Yeah. This used to be a main, this used to be the master bedroom. That is one thing that I, I just, there's something that makes me gag. I cannot unclog a toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't be friends with Eldis.

Literally, the new place, I got a place in Baltimore the first time. He was like, hey, can I use the bathroom? He was like, hey, man, I think I'm going to go walk and buy a plumber. We didn't even have it. We had just moved in. There was no furniture. Eldest had clogged it before we had a couch in the house. It was more noticeable. You don't have a plunger in every bathroom. You had to walk to the basement, grab it from there. I love the idea that he's like, hey, I'm going to get a coffee and a plunger. Anybody need anything?

Anybody? Thank God the new place has a hysterical amount of bathrooms. So, this is welcome at any time. But, yeah, he is the most. The man has clogged more toilets, and we don't know what it really is. I feel like in that area you're talking about, we also went, like, hilariously long stretches without having a single plunger in the apartment, too. That is true. Which is, like, why are you playing that game? I don't even know.

Why are you doing that? For like $5. It was brutal here. It was, like, I look at pictures that were taken in this apartment and I was like, oh my God, that's what it looked like in here. Because like, we've made it kind of nice now. We bought like nice furniture. But it was like, remember that fucking disgusting Ikea couch? Oh yeah. That gray couch that we got used.

Yeah. It was my bed when I was subletting somewhere. Yeah. Some girl, it was her bed that Christina used to live with. Yeah. And then it was like just our, you broke it. We just didn't fix it for like a year. It was, I mean, it was a very funny time. I do like everybody's like first couple of years in New York City because it really is like, hey, don't sit on the right. You'll slide right off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like there's all these little rules. Hey, don't use that bathroom. It clogs. You can pee in the sink, but only a little bit. Cold or hot water. Do not use the warm water. Do not put it in the middle. I do not want to tell you what happens. Like it was. Yeah, this place was so, so hilarious. But it also sounds like you guys were together at a fun time where it was like you're going through a breakup. It's almost like the like how Stella got her groove back time.

That's a fun time to have. Because if you're living alone, that's a fun time to have roommates because it's almost like a second adolescence kind of vibe where you're like, it feels like a party here. It did feel that way because I was living in New Jersey. Oh, wow. So moving to Brooklyn felt like cool. That's hilarious. But I think the other reason I asked my therapist what should I do is because I was going from living alone for so long to moving in with friends.

three like three of us yeah yeah and that just felt like yeah yeah like am i being am i being stupid about this but it's interesting because i i it it was such an important time in my life like it was one of those things both like you know what i mean like never make it yeah i know i know but like seems like a missed opportunity yeah

But it was, we were, we were both single. We were both kind of trying to figure out comedy. We're both 10 years in and like, just both being like, I don't think we're bad, but we're definitely not great. You know what I mean? And it's such a, I think the,

the biggest thing is people don't understand what a career comic is, right? Like, you know who famous people are. Like we, we know who our parents like watch, but like this, this middle ground and like now it's getting even, you know, wishy-washy or with like YouTube and Tik TOK and all that stuff. But this middle ground of like making a career, but you're not famous is just like this place where like, it was so hard to explain to other people. And then I'm like, am I making up this path? Like, so I think just having a support system and like,

you know, um, having somebody that I could come home after my long 20 minutes. You know what I mean? Somebody just blew you off and you just feel so bad about your career and you could just sit with somebody and they like either understood or they like, you know, I think we both are pretty good at pep talks. Yeah. Pep talks fun. Yeah. And we're actually very alike in some ways we're not, but in some ways we're,

we're very alike and it's just, we actually lived together before social media too. Like it was like Instagram started when we were living together. So we have a little bit of that, like, where are you going tonight? How are you going to promote it? Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny. And I mean, I know you're saying this about like that,

But the, I don't know if it's the good news, but I think people understand it more because just the middle class in America is disappearing for everyone. For sure. It's like, it's like people get it now because it's like, yeah, you're either rich or you have to work at Amazon and not, and piss in a bottle instead of like for no money. But you know,

it's interesting. The pandemic actually gave me a lot of perspective because, you know, all of us got into this career and every single person was just like, that's pretty risky. What are you going to do? That's not going to work out. And then the pandemic happened and people with good jobs got laid off and couldn't work. And I was just like, oh, that's one of my underdogs. I'm doing corporate gigs on Zoom. Like, I did pretty good during the pandemic. Podcasting took off in a crazy way. I was doing shows in a playground. Yeah.

I think I did that in Fort Greene Park. Yes. What was so great about that is I... This is a humble brag, but I had just done The Tonight Show and I was like a playground. You gotta love that, though. That was hilarious. Yeah, I know. It is... I mean, there is... Yeah, everyone just did... It is a reorganization of things going on, but whatever. Yeah, it is interesting that...

I definitely think things... I mean, I remember what you were talking earlier about, like, not knowing what you want to do or whatever. I will say, during the pandemic, I was like, oh, wait, I am the happiest I've ever been. And, like, I am really struggling with the, like...

do I want to do stand-up comedy? Like, I do, but it is ruining my life. There's no way around it. And like, this year is the best example where it's like, I had a great year. I was very lucky with a lot of different things. But I was also like, the...

the least healthy, like the more successful I got, it was like ravaged my health, ravaged like my relationships with people. I was like, I was happy at the end of the pandemic when I was just like grilling every day, going on like long walk, like seeing, going outside, going to the park and shit. And I'm like, should I just- Retired? Just like quit? Yeah, should I just be a podcaster? Which sounds horrible. Like I say it and it makes me want to throw up, but I am like-

But when you're in that moment, it feels right. I remember going, that was a good run. What am I going to do next? Yeah, like, do you ever go to, like, I have these fantasies of, like, should I just go to fucking Greece and just, like, live by a beach and, like, I probably have, Greece is pretty cheap. I probably have enough money for a shitty island life. Like, not the good islands, but I could go on the ones no one's, you know, the one, like, gay people haven't discovered yet. I could be, like, no gay people, no, like, rich sheiks that go to Mykonos or whatever. Like, I could go to some little secret ones. But you're at a

Is there a place where, like, because, like, my, like, I used to be, like, I had to constantly be on the road because I was, like, paying my rent, like, $100 gigs at a time. Yeah, yeah, sure. And now I try to do every other weekend if I can. And then just there's a natural lull during the holidays. Yeah. And there's a natural lull in July. And that's when I kind of do nothing. But, like, my dream for me personally is to tour, like, Jim Gaffigan, where it's, like, three months where you tour kind of in the middle. Then you're off for a couple of months. And then, like, another three months. And, you know, it makes sense. Like, my...

And bring your five kids. And bring my five kids. Well, you need more Hot Pocket material. It's on your vision board, but I haven't heard a single thing about being Catholic. There's no way to get here, Liz. But I guess what I'm saying is that you're at a point in your career where you...

you can make your schedule the way you want to. Do you feel that you're in scarcity mode? Yeah, I don't know. I guess I haven't thought about it. Yeah, there's a little bit of like you're scared when shit starts going good. You're like, well, if I stop, it'll go away a little bit. Like that's the fear. But also like, I don't know, at this point I don't really give a fuck about that. And now I'm like, I need to fucking, it's like I gotta get healthier. For sure. Because if I see, because like there is a, I mean, there is a,

So many examples. It's not even like it would come out of the blue. It's like,

Every fat comic dies. This wouldn't be a surprise. Everyone who gets fatter, the more successful they get. We know how it ends. If you add heroin in the mix, it ends quicker. It either ends over an overdose or it ends in a tour bus where you have a specially made bed because no hotel...

fits you anymore like those are the two options so I'm like alright let's just chill a little bit but whatever we'll be fine it'll be I am I don't want to be when they show a clip of you dead this is what they show yeah yeah

I'm like, and she smiled the whole time. I'm like just smiling as you talk about your death. His friends didn't care or warn him. No, no, that's what the show's about. Please, we don't have to talk about comedy. Let's talk about more morbid things we've done. The dumbest things we've done. My landlord just died. That's cool. And he's Greek.

Oh, so it's a tragedy. He was, I love, I mean, I didn't know so much about Greeks until I, I've been living there with my boyfriend for about six years and he brings food over all the time. That's the vibe. Everything has so much salt in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but, but so cool. He would just knock, leave the plates on the stairs. That's awesome. Cause he was like 75. Yeah, yeah. And,

And then we would just run down and get the food. That's so sick. Yeah, Greek people love doing that kind of shit. They love, like, the feeling of family where it doesn't really exist. They love, like, oversharing. Yes. Pretending you're closer than you are. Like, that's all classic stuff. And they always offer drinks, too. They're like, he's like, you want that all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my boyfriend doesn't drink, and he's like, ah. And I'm like, he doesn't drink.

Yeah, he's gonna have a relapse. Come on, just a little bit. That is, yeah. But I was gonna say, because I'm Italian, and I do think the Italian, Greek, and then even Spanish, it's all kind of, both visually, we all kind of look the same. Well, Spanish gets no, like, Italians are way overrepresented in media. And the worst. Yeah, can we stop with all the pride?

People are too... People are too proud to be Italian. It's over the top. Greek people are in a nice place. I just steal your microphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. It's like... And I love mafia movies, but literally, if The Godfather...

And goodfellas don't exist. I do think the world's a better place. We have to listen to less Italians fucking pretend they're in the mob and whatever. And Greek people, I think we're in a nice place where it's like everyone knows a Greek person. Everyone's been to a diner. It's like a little fun, like, you know, we're like little, we're kind of, we're like a salt...

We're like a sour cream and onion chip, you know? It's like, it's not exact, it's not chips, we're not everywhere, but it's like fun when you find it. Whereas like Spanish people, I feel like no one knows anything about the culture, about like, I don't even know, you know? But don't you feel like it partially, it's because there are no, like,

Like, I know there's Spanish people here, but they're mostly Latino. Like, when I'm around, when I do, like, a Latino festival, it's always like, where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? Spain. Oh. Yeah, yeah. You're the conquistador. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the oppressor. You're the ancient oppressor. But, yeah, there's, like, usually most shows in America and New York that are Spanish are Latino. Yeah, it's almost like the Spanish people are the only...

Like, Spain is the only, like, colonizing force that actually got, like...

penalized for it you know what I mean like Britain doesn't but it's like because Spanish people are like yeah anywhere you speak Spanish you're like sorry yeah it's like no one respects the original one yeah yeah yeah it's like you guys have been sort of your empire has been like completely erased in a weird way where it's like England and like you know whatever it's just like it's interesting it's like I don't know anything about

I'm sure there was interesting ancient Spanish shit. I mean, I guess that's part... That's why Greece and Italy probably, it's like the Roman Empire, the Greek Empire. It's like, I guess Spain just kind of got swept. There's no... I mean, you did have...

I don't know. There's just not enough ancient shit. Maybe people love ancient shit. That's part of it. I mean, there is ancient shit. I'm really bad with history, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but yeah, usually it's like, Oh, Barcelona is so pretty. And then people just stop talking about it. Yeah. And I, I mean, I was in Barcelona for 24 hours, so I'm, I know a lot. Um, but no, I just, I mean, that's the only, cause when I tour overseas, it's like, I want to feel like I'm somewhere else. And like the architecture in Barcelona, you're like, Oh my God, I'm somewhere else. And then you go to Madrid and you're like, this is anywhere in Europe.

You know what I mean? So it's just like, I think depending on where in Spain you go, do you feel like they have culture? I don't know. I've never been, you know, and I'm interested in, I do kind of want to check it out, but it's just like funny talking to a Spanish, somebody who is Spanish and it's like, yeah, I don't know anything about,

actual Spain. It's gorgeous and the food is amazing. Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go this. You should go to like a flamenco show. I love it. They're also like, have you toured Europe? Not really, no. You should do it, man. It's like, honestly, like, it's really fun. There's like, honestly, there's like six comics that do it. You know what I mean? It's like me, Carmen, um, what, Dave Hill, Todd Berry, Judah Friedlander. Right, right, right. There's like a handful of us, um,

that, that like, you know, clearly famous people, but like on a small level, like I do like a hundred seaters and it's, I mean, I'm going in May. It's like my favorite thing to do. It's really fun. It sounds like a little, little vacay that you get to call a work trip kind of thing. And you're like, you'll be surprised, like, especially because of the internet, because of like Instagram and YouTube and stuff. Like,

I mean, I started touring Europe like 10 years ago, but you do accumulate a lot of people that come out and see you and you're like, oh my God, like I've never, I've never been here before. And 150 people came out to see me. And you're like, how do you relate? You know what I mean? Like you're in like Vienna and you're like, how are you? Why are you laughing at my bullshit? This is insane. And it really is.

Where I started to kind of build self-esteem and really did start to build my career 10 years ago was going out to Europe. Interesting. And just being able to see the world. Because, like, we all go to Ohio every year. And we're like, why? Why are we here? It is brutal. It does suck. It is pretty funny, though, because, like, I went to Berlin and Vienna last year. And something happened at the airport in Berlin. There were no flights. So we had to take the train to Prague and fly from there. And it sounds so braggy. You're like, and then I had to take the train to Prague.

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like no that's really what i had to do it also is weird how close everything is in europe it really your like senses yes like how you know it's like a day trip to go to two countries away but i i took it i think it was a four hour train from prague to to vienna to do shows it i was in first class and it was 35 euro and i was like am i a hero

This is insane. Like they're like offering me sandwiches. I was like, give it to someone in coach. Well, good for you. But redistributing your wealth. I'm out here. I'm a hero. But but I don't know. I just that had been both the best thing for like my comedic self-esteem to be able to realize that I was universal, but also just.

Even if I've peaked, if this is where the farthest I'm going to go in my career, my parents have never left the country. And I've been to 40 countries and told jokes and people paid money to see me. I've been to at least four or five cities in Italy and my parents have never been. Take that. Keep fucking doing deadlifts. What's that passport look like?

No, I know what you mean. There's like, there is just, I guess really what it comes down to is there is something to, like success in whatever will not make you happy is like something you hear when you're a kid and you're like, well, I grew up poor. That can't be true because I'm not happy. My parents aren't happy. I'm sure if they were maybe a little successful, we'd be happy. It's like, no, no, not at all. Like it won't. And it's like, that is true where it's like you want to find the life you want.

And it's like, yeah, that's what makes you happy is just doing the stuff you like. The fact that you can support, you know, as long as you don't have to worry about money, as long as you can support yourself and you're living a life that is fulfilling, that's kind of the thing that I'm trying to get to at this next level where it's like, okay, shit went better than I even thought, right? Like I thought it, all I wanted was to headline something

B clubs. Yeah, funny bones. I wanted to be, yeah, exactly. Funny bones, my alma mater, Magoobie's Joke House, 2012 comedian of the year, not, you know, Magoobie's Joke House, not to brag. But yeah, so it's like, but now I do feel that way of like, let me just live a life that I'm like, yeah, this is,

fulfilling and nice and you know. And it's full of surprises too. Like we both went to Pakistan like the same year. Different tours. That's crazy. And it's like hey how was your trip? Okay what? We're going to Pakistan? What's the Pakistan gig like? I mean it's the worst food poisoning I've ever had in my life. Just so you know I lost five pounds. But it was

It's incredible. Like it, that was the thing is that like they take you to do like a couple of open mics just to kind of get you ready before you like headline shows. And there was one that it was all women that were like asking me questions and like, we're just like so excited that like there was a female comic doing like jokes and stuff, but then you would be in the audience and there's women that are completely covered from head to toe laughing at your jokes. And you're like, this is,

Yeah, that's insane. It was such a cool experience that's like, I'm not going to vacation in Pakistan. Like, there's no way. Well, you can because someone is in the truck with you with a giant rifle. Oh, do you like this? Like, we went to McDonald's. There's a dude with a gun. Yeah, yeah.

Holy fuck. It was insane. Everywhere outside the club, there was rifles. Outside your hotel, somebody's holding rifles. We actually, when you do a tour and it's women and men, they have to put you in a hotel that's shittier because the good hotels are for only men. Wow.

I was like, what? No, our situation, I was with Will Silvance and another comic overseas. I forgot his name. But Will and I stayed in one hotel. And then this other comic. The woman in the black eye. The woman in the black eye had to stay in the bad hotel. The other comic had to stay in another hotel because he brought his girlfriend and they weren't married. Oh.

So when Will and I would check in, he'd be like, I'm not with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, stop saying that. That must have been refreshing for Will to be like, ah, finally, a place where being a woman is worse than being black. Like, no, no, this is riffraff. I'm not with this riffraff, this female riffraff. I don't know her. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, the dudes only hotel is so funny. That's crazy. Because it's also like,

Even in a patriarchal society, you're like, wait, the guys get like a higher thread count and better lotion. But also. Shouldn't it be the other way? My landlord, my Greek landlord for Christmas one year, he gave, he always gave us gift cards, which I know is weird to get like a gift from your landlord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my boyfriend's was $120. Mine was a hundred. And I was like, what the fuck? It was crazy. That's hilarious. But the only other.

other thing is like whenever there was something due like the electric bill or whatever he would always give it to him and i was like good luck with that buddy at least with greek uh with greek chauvinism there's some perks yeah you're gonna pay for any of these bills yeah one year uh he got a gift card and i got this wallet it was definitely like a uh regifted wallet and i was like what the

this old lady wallet that was probably like his aunt's or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy. It sounds like what you could use is to smoke weed out of a very cold bong. Lucky for you...

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I love it. Well, we've only scratched the surface. There's both hilarious stuff to talk to you guys, more stuff to talk to you guys about, but we should take some of your expertise. Clearly, you're both big therapy guys. Yeah, big into therapy. We can fix you. Yeah, yeah. And let's take these perspectives. We've got some questions to get to. So, Eldis, why don't you play some questions here for us, pal? Avi, Eldis, what's up, guys? Love the podcast.

I've been binging all the old episodes as I found it. Absolutely hilarious. Thank you. So I consider myself fairly bisexual. Nice. And I've had this friend, best friend. We just graduated college together. We were friends way before college. We essentially left the same religious cult.

So there's a lot of trauma bonding there. And I think she's the person I've been most vulnerable with and shared the most about like my inner traumas and issues and stuff. And essentially a week ago, she approached me and said that she's had a crush on me and asked me on a date. Hmm.

Now, initially, I was like, we can all empathize with having a crush and not knowing what to do when you're close to them and you don't know when to ask. So I sort of felt bad, but I was going to reject her because I'm not attracted to her. Now, after I rejected her, it sort of shifted to, like, her using everything she knows about me to try to get me to go on a date with her. So she'll say things like, you've only been in toxic relationships.

so you don't know a good thing when you see it. Oh no! I feel like that's kind of manipulative. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I think it's gonna be weird to hang out with her. Did I just lose a best friend?

What do I do, Stav? Help me out. Oh, also, bear in mind, she lives directly across the street from me. And we will live there for a while. Thanks, Stav. Damn. Well, you know, this is kind of like... I feel bad for our caller here. She's in a bad situation. But it is almost like... It feels like society is moving forward where even women can be incels to other women. Like, even...

- You don't know how good I am. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it's usually-- - You've never had a clit like this.

It really is like, this is bad for you, but it is like, it's almost always an ugly guy getting rejected by the girl he's been pretending to be friends with for years to try and fuck. So this is the, she's breaking the glass ceiling in that regard. Well, what's kind of interesting is her being like, you've only been in toxic relationships. You don't know what it is. It's like, yeah,

You just got to have a cult. You don't know what good is either. True, yeah. You don't know shit either. Yeah, absolutely. But I mean, this... It's an easy one. It's so easy. It's a walk away. Yeah. Right now. Because the truth of the matter is it never feels good to get rejected. And I don't know how old she is. So it's just like I know that we get rejected with comedy all the time, dating and stuff like that. It takes a while to be able to be like, hey, whether this is about me or not, it doesn't matter. Right. But like...

If I say no and you can't take that answer, I don't know what to tell you. We're not going to be friends, dude. Of course, of course. Like, that's not okay. Yeah, it's like, even... It's pretty hard, I think, in general to... For a true friendship to recover from a rejection. But if it does, it's like...

They ask once respectfully, they take a shot, you say no, and they legitimately go back to treating you the way things were before. This girl has already not done that. This girl has already not taken no for an answer. She is literally, she's behaving like a Fedora Reddit guy right now.

And, like, that's the thing. And look, also to her, you both have a weird... You both had a weird upbringing. You trauma-bonded. Like, there's a lot going on here where it's like, even this girl might just have some kind of weird psychological attraction to you that she's also...

physically attract you. This is just messy in general where even if you were attracted to her, I'd be like, this is kind of weird and a red flag. Like, I don't even know that this is necessarily a good idea in any context, but specifically this, I think all you can do is like firmly say, hey,

We can't bring this up anymore. You're really important to me as a friend, but if what you want is not platonic, all I can offer is something platonic, and we should maybe take a break from even just being friends for a while until...

sort of settle, I think is the way to handle it. This is actually a gift because to know that you're toxic even before you start dating, to know that you're the wrong person even before you start is actually really good. A lot of times we don't figure this out until we're three months, six months, a year in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until you love the person. Yeah.

Yeah, so say thanks to her and walk away. Yeah. But also, my last thing is like, I don't think you can lose a best friend. Right. You know what I mean? They just never were. Absolutely. You thought you were close, but you're not. Yeah. So I think I've learned that some people are in your life just to get through a moment. Right. And you've run the course. And then a true best friend, you go through multiple versions of the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys never made out, like you said. Yeah.

Hang out with your best friend. We need to join a cult. Oh, my God. We're going to make a cult. And the other thing is, like, you both might need a completely fresh start. Because, like, you escaped a cult. You're, like, you become this weird religious background. Like, whether you like it or not, you're also both kind of a link to that life. And I'm not saying you can't ever have a relationship. But it's, like, it might be good for you just in general to completely unwind

unplug, untether yourself from any reminders of that life. Find who you are, just completely separate of that and then see how you're feeling. Or just kill her. Yeah, just fucking send her back. Tell the call where she lives and then be out of town for two weeks. But yeah, you gotta get out of here. There's no exactly. You didn't lose a best friend if she's acting like this. You just lost someone who's been trying to fuck you for a while. Um...

What else we got, Big Eld? What's up, Dobby baby and Albie? I got a problem. Or not a problem. But I've been with a girl for almost eight years now. Coming up on eight years. And this last few months, I happen to inherit basically a mansion. 4,000 square foot, ginormous fucking house. I've also had testicular cancer, so I only got one nut. Oh, but you're good? And that one nut doesn't work.

I do not come anything out my dick. Thank you for using technical terms. So, you know, sitting around, not working, not doing anything, looking at this ginormous house, just makes me want to be Hugh Hefner. That's what I want. I just want to be fucking Hugh Hefner. I'd love to have four different OnlyFans bitches just running around this house, taking care of everything. Time out. Hold on. You know you're not rich, right?

You didn't buy this house. In fact, you probably can't make the taxes on this house. Anyway, and the one nothing is such an interesting wrinkle. It's like because you can't get anyone pregnant, you think like that's, well, since I can't, I can raw dog, of course, I can't get anyone pregnant. We can finish, but do you have something you want to interject? I mean, there's no furniture in this house.

house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an empty house that he was like, you want to fuck on this futon? There's a huge TV, I'll tell you that much. There's a giant TV. There's a PlayStation 5, but yeah. Go ahead. Let's finish this bad boy up. She's just running around this house, taking care of everything, paying all the bills. They're paying the bills? Well, I just walked around in a nice

making coffee, smoking blunts. You're not capable of doing that. But I do love this girl. I mean, we've been together eight years. I mean, she cuts my fucking toenails. I love her to death. I don't want, like, I wouldn't want to leave her, but I don't think she's going to, you know, be along with the idea that

I should be Hugh Hefner. What are you talking about? I want some advice, Dobby. I just want to know if maybe I should go down this route of being Hugh Hefner. Stop saying Hugh Hefner. Stay with my partner and live our life the way we have been. Appreciate the...

Listen, Stavi. Oh my God, can I take this one? Please. You can take your first crack at it. She needs to leave you. 100%. My advice is to her. Yeah, can we cut to her? Give her your number. She needs to... Oh, Jesus, dude. This is crazy. This sucks. This guy... I honestly do hate this guy because it's like... Okay, first of all, I don't know, man. It's one thing to have this weird little fantasy of like,

Look, whatever, you're beaten off and you wanna pretend you're Hugh Hefner and that, but what do you think happens? Like, what does he think having four women, Hugh Hefner was a billionaire.

Like, you inherited this house. He had a magazine. He had a magazine. He had a robe. Yeah. He already had a nice smoking jacket. Like, let's say you had all the resources in the world to do this, right? It's still kind of a sad... Do people, when they think of old age Hugh Hefner, do you think people speak of him with respect? Or do they think, like, man, that was fucking sad that that old guy went out that way? Like, it's just like...

That's not a dignified life. It's a fun look. It would be. Would it be a fun couple months of your life to live in a huge house with a bunch? You're essentially saying you want to buy prostitutes, I guess, like you want sex workers to live with you.

I guess you think you're going to hire them, right? Like, you're not saying you have the fucking Rasputin-like charm. Because basically what he's talking about is, like, he said paying the bills, like, they're taking care of him. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? You think you're going to be a pimp to hot women who also fuck you because your aunt who invented something 80 years ago didn't have any kids and left you a fucking house? I just... The...

The like level of delusion, delusion and like and like weird like entitlement is just crazy. I just don't even know where to begin here. And it's like you haven't a person you've been with for eight years and you're like, well, should I stay with her or what?

create the first nude magazine in the 60s and become a cultural icon, have billions of dollars and have four women who, by the way, since then they've had like

Every single woman has come out. Tell all memoirs that are like, it was living hell. It was weird. It was creepy. I felt like I was fucking my grandpa. None of this is good, man. And none of them cut his toenails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's in every contract. They leave that out. They're like, I'm not doing that. So I guess I am really wondering, what do you think...

Part of me feels like maybe he inherited more. Like, it does feel like he might have some money here. Sure, but even if he does have money, I mean, there's like, this is like immature. Like, this is complete immaturity. I have somebody that I, he can say it. I genuinely love her. We have a great relationship, but I have this fantasy. And it's like, sure, but maturity is deciding, do I want to build a life with somebody or do I want to live like a child?

like a fucking teenager. And it's like, if that's what you want to, if you want to live like a teenager and smoke blunts and I don't know, fuck people that are half into you. That's going to last like three days. It's not that bad. That's not a horrible life. It is pretty fun for a few years. Does anyone cut your toenails?

Hey, maybe I'm starting to see things his way all of a sudden. But no, you're absolutely right. You're right. I'm tripped up on the fact that he even thinks he deserves this. That annoys me because it's like you just inherited a house. But it's like even if you could pull this off, it's

It's an empty, shallow life. And you're just like... Now, maybe he is unhappy with the way his life is and the only way he can even conceive of...

He can't just be like, do I want this relationship? Am I actually happy in it? So he's like, oh, it's either this or I'm Hugh Hefner. Maybe he can't just have a quiet moment of introspection and be like, oh, I inherited this. I have for the first time in my life financial security. And it's like maybe this is changing the way I feel about my relationship. And should I think about these things? But he can't. Yeah, the way he's thinking about it is very childish and like,

He's using the testicular cancer. That's a fun one, too. What does that have to do with anything? We didn't need to know that at all. The only thing I can think of is that he literally, because he can't nut, he's not scared of getting someone pregnant. That's the only thing I can think of. Or he's looked death in the eye and was like, I deserve bitches.

But he didn't make that argument, right? He literally was just saying, I don't come out of my dick. That was what he thought we should know. And after wrestling the Reaper, I think I deserve to have a five-way with four strippers. That's not what he said, which I might be more sympathetic towards if he made that argument. But yeah, the pride he has in the house he didn't earn and the complete contempt for like...

The eight year relationship is weird. So I don't know, man, you got a lot of shit going on. Your whole way of thinking is fucked up. And we do feel like your girlfriend should leave you. I mean, these last two emails both are like run to the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. One was the caller, one's the... And what I've learned from therapy is that when you start reaching out, like researching on the internet, reaching out to friends, asking questions, you kind of know the answer. Right, absolutely. A lot of the times when people call in, most of the answers are like, have the conversation with the person you've been avoiding. Almost like 80% of our calls are like that. It's like, have that hard conversation. And it's like... I'm going to talk to a man I've never met before.

- I've met before, tell them my problem. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is the solution. - So for you buddy, it feels like you need to do a little more thinking about what this desire is the root of because it's really impractical and childish and I don't even think you believe it. I think you're trying to half be funny but half, you half are asking for advice. So really take a look at like what are these feelings? What is making this fantasy happen? And like be honest with yourself and you know, are you having doubts about this relationship? Are you having doubts about something else?

I don't know. I can't. If we were talking to this guy live, it would be one of those calls where we break down how wrong they are immediately. And we actually get to like what the root of the problem is. Have you been to therapy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really proud of you. No, you break things down well. Yeah, you really do. I've been to a lot. I mean, I actually just got back in the mix because that's part of the last year. It was like, no, it was like getting like, well, it was like gaining weight, but it was also like I just stopped there because I got busy and I was like, oh, I'll reschedule. And then I looked up and it was like one year and I was like, oh, fuck. So we're getting back into it. But yes. I'm proud of you.

You stink right now, but hopefully there's something underneath here. Hopefully, you know, there's more than meets the eye. Because if our surface level read of you is right, you're just a...

kind of a dumb piece of shit. I want him to blow his life up and try it because he clearly doesn't have the swag to even pull it off. He doesn't have the sauce at all, no. What's going to happen is a woman is going to steal your social security card and you're going to get, yeah, it's going to be so bad. They're going to use his mansion to save money on like OF, like house rentals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not going to be getting sucked off left and right. Not at all. He might get a couple begrudging hand jobs.

What else we got, Big LD? Hey, Stavi, Eldis, and esteemed guest slash guest. Thank you for taking my question today. So I'm in a bit of a predicament with my girlfriend of one year and three months. For context, I know you always ask. I'm a 28-year-old male. So what happened is basically she's had this problem with

you know, someone who used to be in my life in a romantic way a long, long, long, long, long time ago, but no longer is. This individual doesn't even live in my state anymore. And it...

You know, this person texts me every once in a while. She'll, like, text me during, like, holidays or during, like, my birthday or something and say, you know... And they seem like perfectly innocuous texts. You know what I mean? Like, oh, how are you doing? Happy birthday. Merry Christmas. You know, it...

It really has put a bad strain on my relationship with her because she doesn't feel, you know, trustworthy with this person. You know, she being my girlfriend right now. And basically, like, you know, we pretty much agreed that I need to either set boundaries with this person, with this other person, or cut her off entirely. Burn the bridge, cut her off, never speak with her again.

Pause this for a second. I can't even, like, this is pissing me off.

Come on, man. Your girlfriend is so right, it's insane. Like, we all... What do you think a happy birthday, happy Thanksgiving, happy Christmas text is? It's always trying to fuck your ex. That's the way in every time. It's the...

It's dating 101. It's so clearly like they're giving you the like before Instagram stories existed. That was the Instagram story. It's like now it's like a heart on an Instagram story is like, oh, interesting. Whereas like if you get a response to happy Merry Christmas, you're like, oh, I got the response. Interesting. My ex-girlfriend, I didn't get she got a boyfriend between Thanksgiving and Christmas and

I got a happy Thanksgiving. I did not get a Merry Christmas text. That's the thing. Is this girl dating someone? Like, this is... I mean, I know you're asking how to go about this, but I just need you to understand how right your girlfriend is and how these texts like this from an ex...

solely exist to try and fuck you one last time. Because there is a little bit of like you're grandfathered in with an ex where it's like, if you fuck your ex and you're both single on Thanksgiving, who cares? It doesn't count. You didn't add another. There's no new body. They're already in the tally marks. You can feel good about it. The amount of time he said this has pissed me off. And now he just said something about New Year's.

Well, she asked for New Year's plans. Yeah, and it's like, come on, bro. But also, at the end of the day, like, your girlfriend is basically saying, hey, how am I supposed to trust you? Yeah. And we're slowly building, you know, a year, a little over a year. Yeah. You're still building up a trust. And if you can't clearly set boundaries with other people and you're allowing this...

what's the word, temptation maybe to be out there or you're not being clear with this person and showing that you mean something, like she's important in your life, then he's going to, every time you text, it's like, okay, when are you going to tell this girl? Allowing temptation is so right too because it's like, I'm trying to lose weight but it's like,

Somebody sent me some chocolate bars. They're in my house still. I've had chocolate in the last week. You need to give them to your guests. They need to go away. Yeah, you're right. You want some of Mr. Beast's chocolate? You have two women on this show. We'll take off chocolate. But also, if you really care about your girlfriend, this shouldn't even be texted to you. This is easy. It's a no-brainer. Why can't you see that you should do...

like what your girlfriend wants. Fully, fully. Well, I think to his credit, to his credit, I think let's let's let him finish. I do think he's asking, how do I go about it? I just I was so pissed that he the interjections of how naive he was being that I just felt like I need to call that out before answering his question. She wants me to have a nice Christmas. Should Jesus be with you? Yeah, she's very religious. Yeah, let's finish this up here, Eldo.

she recently texted me and asked, Oh, what are you, what are your new year's plans? Hey, what are your new year's plans? She texted me that on new year's Eve.

And I saw that I still, you know, three days later, I still haven't responded to it. And I see this text and I'm like, look, you're just trying to get attention, I think. Wow, you don't say. I finally opened my eyes to it. That's what it took. I'm trying to get attention at this point. Maybe he's just a dumb guy. What should I do? What's the, I guess, easiest way to, you know...

set boundaries with this person you know what's the best course of action I can take here should I simply set boundaries should I burn the bridge you know thank you for your help Stavi this might be his first relationship please please please come to Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank I can promise you that will never happen laughing

If I'm in flappers, bro, shit's going bad for me. I'm in flappers. April 13th.

Go see the flappers. Everybody on the left side needs money. So let's not have Netflix specials. Go see that. There'll be a flappers. Come on. Yeah, here you go. You can have the new family. I mean, so how does he go about it? I mean, I think the easiest thing, frankly, like you don't like that.

he's not texting his exes this. I think the easiest thing to do is like to even say, because here's the thing about these texts, the other person maintains plausible deniability when they send them. They're not, you can't be like, you can't be like, stop trying to fuck me, bitch. I have a girlfriend, right? Because it's just like, oh, because then it's just like, hey, I'm just trying to be nice. I just wanted to say hi. Right, right, right, right, right, right. But you can, but you,

not to say, not to say you can throw your girlfriend under the bus, but you can do it in kind of a nice way. You can be like, you literally can be like, Hey, you know, I wish you all the best, but I think the frequency of your text messages is making my girlfriend uncomfortable. And I don't want to, I don't want to hurt or hinder this relationship relationship by continuing to talk. I think it's best if we kind of, you know,

stop talking. You know what I mean? You could definitely say that. I personally, go ahead, Carmen. No, I was going to say, you don't even have to bring up your girlfriend and be like, I don't feel comfortable. This is not what I do. Like, just put it on yourself. This is not what I do. And we need to stop doing this. I, I honestly truly think, cause he said he, he said the new year's one is the first one he hasn't responded to, to,

To me, the answer is don't respond. Like, that's the thing. This is not someone in your life. Delete her phone. Like, you could even block her if you really wanted to and just whatever. It's like, yes, burn the bridge, bro, because if you're not burning the bridge, you are keeping that, like,

toe and you're keeping like, you're just keeping an eye on the backup plan for this relationship. And that's what your girlfriend is sensing. Exactly. If you really were 100% into this relationship, you wouldn't keep this door open. Yes. And I think, from my view, having the conversation almost elevates what's going on here. It almost makes it more serious than it is. Like being like, hey, we need to stop texting. It's almost like, it's not, because he...

a little bit to his credit even though he's naive it's he has been kind of like you know he's not really responding whatever but it's like oh I forgot he's 28 he's a baby yeah but still he's old enough to not do this bullshit but if this

his second relationship he's 28 if he dated this girl for a couple years and now he's with this girl like my brother's 28 he's a dum-dum like you know that's fair that's fair I would personally just stop responding but the only annoying thing with that sorry is really fast is that then they'll go like why

- Why aren't you responding? I've had that where they're like, why aren't you responding? And it's like, can't you get a hint? Like I'd rather just say it. - Just don't respond to that. - Like that's, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. - Just say it and then stop. - Yeah. - But I was gonna say on that same effect, I'm very anxious. And so I had a breakup, like one of the worst breakups I had. One of like my first relationship breakup and he broke up with me, but like whenever he would get drunk, he would be like, hey.

And I couldn't not respond to him. So the best thing that I did is I kept, it was the same response. So he'd be like, you know, you were my best girlfriend and everything. And I would just be like, thank you so much. I wish you and your family well. And I never- That's so awesome. That's worse than no response. I know. I know. I love your dad. I love your dad.

Exactly. And I wouldn't deviate from it. So for three months, like once a month for three months, and I was single, I was heartbroken. I really, truly loved him. Good for you, yeah. But he was fucking with me. And so I couldn't not text him, but I kept it to a script and I never deviated. And he got the hint after three months. Interesting, interesting. So that's the other thing is if you just want to be like, you know, Merry Christmas, but you know, or like, or you just like, you keep it so flat that they get nothing from it.

And the other thing to also realize, like he's made like it seems like it's finally gotten through his dumb skull that this she is. This is not these are not innocuous texts. You know, it seems like he's finally understanding that. And by the way, if you haven't let this be the time we're telling you that these are not innocuous texts. But the other thing is, like, ultimately, these are three options that you can take. And I think what you should do is because this is to prove to your current girlfriend that you have her back.

ask her how she'd like you to proceed, right? Like, be like, look, I don't want to talk to this girl at all. If it was up to... Like, if I was in the situation, I wouldn't be because I'm not a fucking idiot. I'm not going to, like, keep texting her back if I'm in a relationship. But if I was, what I would say is, hey...

I think what I would like to do is just stop responding to her. I don't really want to elevate this because from my perspective as an innocent, I'm just going to stop responding to her. I'll even block her number if you want. But would you prefer that I tell her? Would you prefer that I say...

hey, I appreciate these texts, but I think it's better to like, I'm just kind of in a relationship. Or just like, I think we should kind of cool it on these texts. They're a little too frequent for where we are in each other's lives. Like we're not together anymore and it's a little much for me.

Or I think like that's you have to ask her what she would like. Because, again, personally, I'm on team. Just stop responding. She'll get the message. But, you know, to each his own. And ultimately, you want to make your current girlfriend feel feel secure here. So, yeah, that's that's a good point, too. Like he needs to reframe how he's thinking about it because it's not about like sparing his ex's feelings. It's like, how does he make his girlfriend not uncomfortable? Exactly. That's the goal here.

Fuck your exes, don't do that. That's the thing. That's why they're exes. And you're right, Liz. Maybe he even though he's 28, you're right. Maybe if he didn't have his first relationship till he was like 24 and they they broke up when he was like 26. And like it's only like it could she this woman could have a place of.

Out-sized importance in his head. But, like, yeah, you need to start thinking of it in those terms, of, like, making your current girlfriend comfortable. And that's, for me, like, I'm still friends with one of my exes, and I see him every time. Me and my sister go get lunch with him when I'm in L.A. And so even two months into my current relationship, I was like, hey, this is a little early to do this, but I'm just always very honest. I'm going to go get lunch with my ex. Right. Like, do you have any questions? You know what I mean? Yeah.

- You know what I mean? But like it's from 10 years ago. - How's your family? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right, right, right, right. - This is not somebody that ripped my heart out of my chest, but like me and my sister are still close with him. We always get lunch. You know what I mean? I see him once a year.

Um, but like the same thing back when now it's, we're together, we've been together seven months and he was going to LA and he's like, I'm going to go, I think get lunch or dinner with one of my exes. I just want to let you know. Cool. So now it's like, you're not hiding it. You know what it is. If you haven't, he's told me about this ex. Like, I don't feel, I don't,

she's feeling insecure when you're upfront about stuff and you let people know what level, let them ask questions. Like, he knows exactly how I feel about my ass. He's a friend. We talk once a year. Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. No, totally. And again, there's a little immaturity here of like just not being...

A, not understanding what those texts are from an ex, and B, just not being open about it. Like, it seems like his girlfriend, like, caught him texting her, almost, is what it feels like. And look, is your current girlfriend maybe a little too sensitive about this? That's a possibility, too. Because if he is, like, if he just is dumb, like, and not picking up on the hints, then he almost could plead innocent due to reasons of being stupid. You know what I mean? Yeah, but as a woman, you're...

But guys also, they'll get messages and think it's nothing. Right, right, right. Whereas we women tend to be like, what's that about? Because we're sending these messages. I'm like, Merry Christmas. Yeah, yeah.

Like, she's like, hey, I've sent a Merry Christmas text. But either way, even if she's a little too sensitive and you're a little too dumb about it, what's important is to make her feel comfortable. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, good luck. Good luck, little buddy. What else we got, Eldis? I liked your jacket off that one. Yeah.

Hey, so my friend is a comedian. Okay. And... Hang up on this guy, please. Is it us? And I don't know. I'll get right into it. Just like I just started seeing a new girl recently.

And he just like keeps making jokes about wanting to fuck her. Oh my god! And I guess I just want advice on like... What? We have kind of a relationship where we kind of make fun of each other and make jokes like that, but like, he's probably made a joke like that every time I've seen him since he met this girl. So like, I don't want to be too... You know, it's like, it's fair enough to make one or two jokes like that, but...

I guess I just want advice on like how not to harsh the vibe too much, but it's becoming like disrespectful. Yeah, instead you're a comedian. How would you like talk to your friend? I mean, first of all, me and your friend are not the same. All right, don't even fucking... Your friend and the people on this show have nothing in common.

We were at some point that, I mean, going back to, your friend is the guys we were talking about in those shitty bars in Baltimore that were on these shows. It's like an open mic, it's like these guys who do three open mics, they're like, I should be able to shout the N word whenever I want because it's my freedom of speech. So let's just, let's take the comedian aspect out of it. And in fact, let's let him finish actually before I really get rolling. Fuck, your girlfriend all the time.

And, like, she's a writer, and, like, he'll be, like, I'll mention, like, a book she's reading to him, and he'll be like, oh, well, I read that book. Let her know that I think. And it's like, okay, okay. You know, like, so, yeah. God, this guy's friend sucks. This is back to leave your friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're all about just leave the person. I mean, this is so crazy. It's just a shitty friend. He's just a dickhead. It's like, first of all, being a comedian...

Actual comedians do not behave this way. Like, actual comedians aren't, like, always joking and can't turn it off. Like, this guy is a fucking loser. He's like, unless he's, like, I bet, maybe, I mean, he's not. I don't know what I'm saying. Unless he's kind of successful, he's not. For sure, he's not. He's probably, like, a starting comic who's, like, people who take this too far. So I'm just going to say for real, like, we were joking earlier, but truly, take the comedian thing out of it because it doesn't fucking matter. Yeah.

He's just being a shitty friend. He's a person and he should, like, so I don't know if he's laughing every time or if he's said something, but you have to be like, hey man, you gotta stop. Yeah. Like, it's, I don't find it funny. Yeah. And it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. And I, who cares? It's so funny where he's like, I don't want to hurt the vibe and it's like, well, it's a bad vibe. He's fucking the vibe up. Yeah, hurt the vibe. Yeah. His vibe sucks. Yeah, yeah. I think it's Chris Rock. Yeah.

I'm getting that vibe.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, this is just a shitty friend. And you can just be like, all right, man, just stop talking about this shit. Yeah, this guy's, the friend is like such a loser because there's nothing worse than like getting to the point where you need to tell your guy friend like, hey, man, can you chill with those jokes? Oh, it's brutal. It's like if it gets, if it ever gets to that point, like you just got, you guys just aren't clearly not on the same page whatsoever. Right, right, right. And your friend, his friend is so diabolically horny.

That he is fucking up one of the most sacred things in the world, which is saying the most fucked up things to your friends. Like, you know, me and Elders will joke about horrific things, right? Like, we'll talk about fucking near and dear members of each other's families in despicable ways, right? Never, I have never even considered telling Elders to calm down a little bit.

bit. You know what I mean? Like, the fact that that's even in the, like, that that's even possible means that his friend is... Your friend is the one not reading the vibe. Your friend is the one not reading the room. And so, you have a... You clearly have some kind of self-esteem shit going on here because the fact that you're worried about how telling a guy who's not even really joking about... Basically, you're worried about...

hey man, am I going to come off weird if I tell my friend to stop mentioning that he wants to fuck my girlfriend? Do you understand that? That's insane. He's worried about offending an open mic-er. Yeah, this is like, and in terms of,

what you say to him, it's just like, hey, man, you got to fucking chill. You got to stop talking about my girlfriend like that. Like, you're being weird. You're being a loser, which is what's going on here. And then if he says something like, dude, you can't take a joke, never speak to that guy again. Never speak to him again. Lose his number. Like, what does he think is going to happen? Like, he's just going to, like, charm. He's, oh, let me get it. He's like, well, if he just brings his girlfriend to an open mic, all my rape and transphobic jokes...

Are going to really sell her. I know this guy's act right now. I know exactly what his fucking jokes are. So, yeah, dude, this guy's a piece of shit. I mean, like, not even just knowing this kind of guy, spending all of my youth surrounded by exactly who you're talking about. Maybe I'm a little triggered here by how many horrible green room conversations I've had to have with this exact kind of fucking guy. But, yeah.

You got to be firm with them. Be like, all right, man, you got to stop fucking doing this shit. And also, you need to start standing up for yourself, man. This is like a general thing here. Because if you're even worried about this, you're a little too wishy-washy, a little too people-pleasy. It's hard. I get that. But...

You can't, if you're, because this guy's definitely. Again, a good friend, if you go, hey man, cut the shit, and he's like, ooh. All right, my bad. Like, that's the thing. Sometimes a friend can go over the top and be like, all right, my fault. Oh, for sure. I mean, I think as comics, we've all been like, wee, that was too far. And somebody goes, hey man, don't, and you're like, it was your mom, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why I said that. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Can I just say my favorite part about this whole thing is that the transcription cannot figure out what your name is. It's never said stop. It's like Dobby, Bobby. Yeah, I know. Simon. It's like, it's all over the place. It's almost fun. We discussed this on another episode too. It's almost fun that like it's a shitty AI because now AI is getting so scary where it's like,

It almost feels good that Google doesn't know how to spell my name. Yeah. You know, it's like, they could easily just spy on my email, you know, so. And they're like, hold on, what does that stop? Yeah, yeah. The day they get Stavi right is the day I'm like, we are fucked. Yeah. Terminator. But I am, I'm just looking at it and it's just like, Billy Bob, Stavi. And I was like, Bobby, is that his nickname? Yeah.

Go ahead, Eldest. Give us another non-Open Mic-er related question. Is it always all about dating? It's a lot of dating. Sometimes there's family stuff. We'll get random ones. But it's a lot of dating, friendship. I feel like you should have given him a heads up. I could have talked about cats. He'll be like, my cats keep getting on my carpet. That is true. And I'd be like, okay.

Let me tell you. This next one is actually a caller update kind of from, do you remember the call on the Ari episode? The guy who took his friend to a bathhouse and the friend didn't want to pay him 40 bucks because he said it was too gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there was a guy who they made plans to go to like, you know, a Russian bath, but they actually accidentally went on gay night.

And his friend was like, dude, those guys were trying to jerk me off. I'm not paying you $40. I'm not paying. And the guy fronted him and our clear, clear ruling was,

If you front someone for anything and they don't have a good time, it's not your fault. You know what I mean? It's crazy to not pay you. So anyway. That's like going to a movie and being like, I didn't like it. The movie was bad, so I'm not paying my ticket. So this update is actually a call from that friend. Wow. We're getting his perspective. This is awesome.

Oh, and they got your name. Hey, what's going on? Stavi, a long time listener, first time caller. I'm actually, uh, I'm the guy's friend from that bath house that I heard about the other day.

I mean, I get that he pays for your Patreon, but before you side with the money, hear me out. Sorry, I'm driving. Mind you, this friend of mine is a little bit more adventurous, I'll say. I mean, all the time, you've got to be a little bit careful.

of where you let him take you. Pause. You have to be careful. You have to be careful where he take you. So go ahead. That's your first mistake. You're telling me like you gave a guy money that's not that reliable. Again, if I type my fucking credit card into a fucking...

weird website that promises me to sell to sell me a fucking Vitamix for $30 and then it steals my fucking information that's on me so anyway strike one on you keep going all this of where you let him take you you might be you might end up dog restaurant or at a gay spa or anything a gay spa sure not homophobic or anything after a college football game I think

There were some other activities I was looking to spend my afternoon with. The fact of the matter is, I think it was more of an entrapment situation. You made it seem like everything would be okay. Then I was in a very small room full of 70, 80, 90-year-old cock and balls. And on top of it, when we left, a stranger approached my window and asked for gay sex.

It does, by the way. You're Kid Rock. You're in a traditionally gay place and a guy, now did the guy grab your cock or was he polite about wanting to fuck you? It's like, the guy just was forward with you about sex. He probably treated you the way you treat women at a bar. I was about to say. It's always so funny when men are in this situation. I was like, oh, were you a little uncomfortable? Like, we're a mass.

I would consider myself more conservative, financially responsible, but whatever. As long as I've known him, I've known the kid probably 10 plus years at least.

As long as I've known him, I think $40 is very justified for at least damages in this situation. In this economy. I mean, Joe Biden makes $40 barely enough to prove a point. We get it. We get it. You're a magnum. That's just what we're doing in this situation. And this isn't communist Russia. If I can't be homophobic with my boys...

I don't know. You can joke about being homophobic. You can't actually be homophobic. That's the whole point. You're literally not right here. You can't actually be hateful. That's what's fun about... Anyway, go ahead. Let's finish this. That's it. Love you, Savvy. I digress. I just want to see your insight. I think your answer was a little too woke for me.

No, you're a fucking stingy piece of shit. You yourself said, this guy's the kind of guy who's a little too adventurous. So what you did was you trusted someone to pick out an activity, and that's your judgment being wrong. The second you agree to do this, the second he fronts you, you owe him that money. Just because you're a homophobic Republican doesn't mean that you don't owe him $40. Ha ha ha!

You're a piece of shit. You have a weird friend, okay? And you agreed with him. Like, Eldest likes a bunch of fucking dumb bullshit, right? If I went to something, like, if he described something I knew I wasn't going to like and he paid for the ticket, I was going to go, right? Like, I'd be, I'd complain. Yeah. I'd complain the whole way. I was like, that movie sucked dick, Eldest. Yeah. But I would not give him the $20. Yeah, you just, you make him feel bad for at least a couple of weeks. Yeah, you bully him for being a bad friend. Yeah. Do you remember I took you

I took Liz to a musical. I hate musicals. And then at the very end of the movie, I go, what'd you think? It was a musical movie. And she goes, I hate musicals. You could have told me. But it's like, I was like, the whole time. But even if you knew it was a musical and you agreed to go. Oh yeah, of course. You know, like that's the thing. It's like, you can throw as many fucking, as many little buzzwords as you want.

You can do whatever you want. As many fucking, you know, little alt-right memes as you want to throw in here. What are these damages, though? You signed a contract?

And by the way, that's a separate thing from you. By the way, what you do here is like if this guy has steered you wrong forever, then you stop being friends with him or you only hang out in very specific context. You made a choice. How about this, buddy? You want to talk about this isn't communist Russia or whatever. Take some personal responsibility. Stop looking for a fucking bailout. Put

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Tell a gay guy you don't want to get sucked off by him and pay your friend $40 without fucking thinking the F slur in your head. You're a, again, let me just highlight this. You're a welching piece of shit. You suck. Pay your friend the money and you have to take responsibility and just double check the activities you go on. I mean, really, you have done nothing but make me hate you more. Yeah.

You're trying to be funny and it's not working. You're so clearly in the wrong. God, this guy sucks. All right. So that's where all the 70, 80, and 90-year-olds hang out. Yeah, look, no one wants to see, you know, I like being in a sauna. I don't like seeing old guys' cocks, but I like the sauna. And whatever. The guy asked you for gay sex, like, grow up and be flattered, by the way. Yeah.

Next question, man. Yeah, that guy stinks. And your friend pays for the Patreon. You're a freeloader, it sounds like. Hi, Stavros. The problem I have is I'm with my best friend. So he lives with me in a room that's separate from the main house that's converted into like a studio apartment. And the problem we have is his room has gotten so bad. It's hoarder level bad, but with trash.

just trash everywhere. His mattress is even on top of trash. And I love him. We've been best friends for 12 years. I know he has a lot of mental health issues, depression and things like that. So I know it's not him just being a disgusting asshole. I know it's

due to his mental health but I have no idea how to approach the situation. Unfortunately both of us are unable to afford like a dumpster to clean this whole room out but I just have no idea what to do and no idea how to be sensitive to someone who I love and just has a lot of issues. Thanks.

Did she say it was her friend, roommate, or lover? Her friend. Her best friend, and it's almost like a converted garage. Yeah, he's got his own space, but it's still like, it seems to be her spot. I don't know, it's like...

She has the main house. He has like a studio apartment on the side and he's just trashing it. What I wonder is like, because there's hoarders where everything is important and they can't throw it out and there's depression where the act of actually doing anything feels like a mountain. Yeah. So it's like if it's depression, I think you can actually be like,

can I help you and let's do this together? Like I actually think like it would, you know, if he really is your best friend, it's like, what can we do together and how can I be helpful so it doesn't get this bad again? If it's hoarding, which is a mental illness in itself, like,

That needs like therapy or like, you know, like there's like there's something you genuinely need to do to try to fix that. Like any kind of like OCD or whatever. Like there's I don't know what type of therapy, but there's a type of therapy that helps with. Yeah. And I think both of them are therapy. It's like this. I mean, I definitely empathize with like, what do you do if a friend is like.

in the throes of mental illness and you can't, you know, because I've definitely had friends who have like kind of been, and I get kind of, I get way messier when I'm depressed. And it's like, and I do, there is a, that's a very satisfying day when I'm like, I wake up and I'm like, oh, I think I, today's the day I clean. And you're like, oh, sick. That doesn't seem insurmountable. It seems like the thing I want to do most in the world is like clean this shit up. So,

I think she should just call hoarders that TV show. Yeah, yeah. Is it good enough to get him on hoarders? And if it's not, maybe zhuzh it up, get some weird baby dolls in there, get some like antiques, like kind of really, you're going to need an angle for hoarders. So maybe get him to sit in a couple buckets. So yeah, I mean, I think Liz, you're right in terms of like,

Yeah, she says it's so bad, though, that she's talking about a fucking dumpster. Like, that's what's crazy to me is like, is it literally too much trash to handle? That's what it seems like. I mean, if it's trash under his mattress, that's massive therapy. Like he needs like an intervention. Yeah. Type of thing. Yeah. You know? Yeah. What and what is his situation in terms of like?

Mental health Does he have a psychiatrist Does he have like a Cause I have When it's like Sometimes One thing that's helped me When it's with friends of mine Or family members of mine It's like First of all I got everybody in my family Into fucking therapy So when it was shit That I couldn't handle I was like I think you need to talk to somebody And Um

Yeah, I mean, is it the kind of thing where if you help him out and clean it, it's just going to get dirty as fuck again? For sure. But I also wonder, like, if he's depressed and you kind of help him clean his space. I mean, like, I've been in situations where, like,

They people just kind of give up and you kind of go, hey, why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? And you kind of like a literal shoulder to lean on. Yeah. And sometimes that kind of helps. Absolutely. It could go get, you know, disgusting again. But at the same time, like it must be probably pretty embarrassing for him, both his mental state and his surroundings that to.

to love somebody wholeheartedly, no matter what state they're in, is therapeutic in its own right. Sure, sure. But I don't know. I mean, I do think it's going to be a community. Yeah. It's going to be a community effort. Yeah. Or, hear me out, get a pig. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Eat all the trash. Eat all the trash. Yeah. Get a goat. Get a goat. Get a pig. Convert it. I like that. Start charging people. I like that. Have a garage sale. Yeah. Yeah. With all that trash. So, yeah, I mean, yeah, I would just say do what you can. I think if you can help.

But like you're talking about a dumpster. Like, is it just enough to can you get rid of it some other way? Like you said, you can't afford the dumpster, but you're going to have to clean his space at some point. Yeah. And it's only going to get worse if he's not getting help. So you might as well do it now. Yeah. And it's like, can you guide him towards some help? Is he already in therapy? Does he have meds? Like, you know, personally, I find a little Adderall helps me clean my room like nothing like nothing else.

That's what this guy needs. This guy needs a... Maybe... Oh, fuck. Dropped my phone. He might...

He might. So, yeah, I don't know. I think it is a two-pronged thing of like you're going to want to make an effort and like just kind of see if you can like be like, hey, I want to help you with this. And like, can we get you on the right foot? And then but yeah, if he is, you say he has a lot of mental health issues. Is he actively taking care of them? Is he like because that's the that is the long term thing. And that's also the thing where you can be like.

You can give them a nudge to get in there and then like let an actual professional deal with it. Yeah, because you want to help, but you also sometimes you don't want to...

What's that word? When you actually do the worst thing by helping them too much. Enable. Enable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a little bit of tough love, but also friendship. Yeah, for sure. And I think, I mean, I think you can start with friendship. Like, I think you could be like, this sucks. Let's get through it together. Let's clean it up a little bit here. And like, if you can't have a, you say you can't have a dumpster, but it's like, that seems to me like a kind of small limiting factor. Like, do you have a friend with a truck that can take stuff to the dump? Can you just like...

Pile up the trash in the garage and like every trash day throw in like, you know, it might be like it might take a month. But yeah, do a bag a day, something like that. I think, yeah, it might it might help to just start with that. Start with like but it does feel like he has to get his he'll feel better in a clean space, too. But yeah, for sure. Yeah. The two pronged attack of like a little friendship, a little friendship.

therapy make sure he's taking care of his shit and then maybe leaning on more friends maybe making more of a community effort maybe a little bit of a pig yeah get a small a teacup pig yeah yeah little piglet just experiment and if that works get an even bigger pig yeah got something fun for us to go out on here Eldis yeah and gals one more time let's plug the specials before we go we're gonna do this one and then get out of here so where can people follow you

Where can they see the specials? Please check out Queef Week. Hell yeah. It's on Mark Norman's YouTube channel. It's been out for about two months and it's past 300K. I forgot why. Very good special. And then the Spanish one is already out in Spain only, but it comes on YouTube in May. So please check out my YouTube channel, subscribe, and you'll see my Spanish special. And all my socials are at CarmenComedian and all my tour dates are at CarmenLynch.com. Nice.

My special's called Murder Sheets. Watch it. I have a bunch of other specials on my YouTube channel, and I'm touring, and that's all I got. Everything's at Liz Mealy. Let's do it. Yeah, follow her, watch the specials. And here, let's take us out here, Eldis. Hey, Savvy. Hey, Eldis. Hello, esteemed guest.

Elvis, that's awesome that you're 6'6", and I'd give my left medical to be that tall. It's freaking awesome. He's just telling you in school you're tall. Generic, guy in his 40s, wondering what your opinion was about men that dye their hair. Getting some gray, not that anybody cares what I look like, but just wondering what you thought about

dying hair and also whatever plugs kind of expensive kind of a stupid thing to do but I don't know the older I get the more it sounds pretty good thanks for the advice love the show this one is so simple this guy's so insecure it's awesome dude that's so cool you're tall eldest I'm bald and I'm gray these short bald guys are fucking pathetic

Yeah, I suppose a guy like that would be pretty pathetic. Do what you want. Yeah, interesting. Is hair plugs still a thing?

They're good. Yeah, they're out there. There's definitely hair plugs, but you know, we know a couple of comics, they've done the thing where they take the little bit of hair that you do have and they replant it. Mateo's done it. He's talked about it a lot. Soder's done it. I think Andy Haynes did it. Andy, yep. But that's not, you can't see the plugs. No, they're just better though. They are better. They're replanting your hair.

And if you're going to get plugs, do get expensive ones. Do not, do not fucking cut corners on something like that. Yeah, I will. Absolutely. Because I'm a six foot tall woman. Oh, you get the bird's eye view. I've seen bad hair plugs. Yeah.

And let me tell you, that conversation is very awkward. Because you want to look, you know? It's like a bad glass eye. You want to look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad glass eye, weird breasts, weird like rock hard breast implants. Any kind of thing you're doing or fucked up BBL, if you're going to do it, those are out. A lot of those are around right now. But if you're going to do it, you got to go whole hog with it. Oh, there's also, I love those videos where it's like almost like a sticker. Yeah.

I love those. I know. And they look good. I definitely follow a guy that's like, he does it to like help a lot of like kids that like aren't, but like he does it for adults too. And I'm just like, yo, I want sticker hair. What is it? It's like a sticker with hair on it. It's basically like a crazy toupee. Yeah, but like. What happens on a humid day though? Does it unstick? No, they got real sticky stuff out there. And you have to replace them? They got AI stickers.

high stickiness. You have to replace them a lot, I feel like. Yeah, but regardless... They slide down and they become a... Sideburn. A sideburn. But my thing is always like, do whatever you need to do to feel confident. Like, you know, but be, you know... Be good about it. Be good about it. Totally, totally. Don't be a dumb-dumb. That's the thing. It's like people think that making these things will also just make you a more confident person and that's just not true. No. Like, it's gotta... You gotta start believing in yourself first and then if you wanna sprinkle a couple things that are like...

help, they'll help. But this guy's clearly like, you know, he is insecure. He's like, he seems to be, my guess, we got a guy in his like 40s who's single, thinks he's a little too short, worried about the, like he wasn't doing well before and now he's like, oh my God.

even the the ground underneath me is eroding what i had is leaving me i'm gray i'm bald like so you know buddy like what are my thoughts on it i don't really give a fuck i my favorite thing to do is to just succeed in spite of every obstacle god has thrown my way so i take it as a badge of honor to be able to like have the more fucked up things about me the better i think it's funny

to be, to have, to be like on paper seem horrific. And then like people just think like in person, no one feels that way. But I understand that's pretty high difficulty and not a lot of people are like that, have that, take that pride in that. So, you know,

If you want to dye your hair, dye it. If you want to get plugs, get them. But don't cut corners is my only thing. If you're going to do it. Yeah. And find your inner hair plugs. Those hair plugs count first. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I do think there's a little bit of you should just you need to believe in yourself first and foremost. And like this stuff can be like the cherry on top. But, you know, do it to feel good, not as a way to hide something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, after he gets the hair plugs, he's going to break his legs, be sick sick. He's going to be like, now I want to get rid of that mole on my face and all that stuff. Yeah. So, yeah, no, it's yeah, it is interesting. What do you guys feel about gray hair? How does it?

I like that salt and pepper one. I really like salt and pepper. I think it looks cool. I honestly think it does look cool on both men and women. I think it's a cool look. Especially, I actually like a salt and pepper beard. Yeah, yeah. I think it's... So it's like, well, and even like losing your hair, it's like, dude, look at the world. Like none of this stuff is insurmountable, right? And so it's like it's so clearly about your self-esteem first. So yeah, that's our... Usually, it's so funny. Usually we get like...

like 20 year old kids who don't believe in themselves. This is our first like 40 year old guy who doesn't believe in himself. Also, why can't he go like, like, what are the buzz? Yeah. Why can't he go full bald? Probably action hero. Do you like the shape of your head? My guess is he's not built like an action hero. Okay. Okay. That's part of it. Which is another thing. It's like, I like sometimes I like whatever you're going to do, like,

Sometimes I tell people, we're a very body positive show here, obviously, but sometimes I tell people like, go fucking work out because, or lose weight or whatever, because there's just something to, or even like gaining a new skill, because there's something about feeling yourself making incremental progress that just feels good and like,

Fires up that confidence. And then especially when it happens to also aid the way you look, which is a hang up for so many people. Sometimes it is that simple of like, yeah, dude, do some stuff. Like you want to get plugs. You want to dye your hair.

Could you just work out? Would you maybe feel an even bigger benefit from the, like, exercise and from the, you know, whatever? Like, I've worked out even when I wasn't losing weight. And it was, like, early in the tour, I worked out like a motherfucker because it was just, like, I needed it for my mental health. And so there's, like, stuff like that where it's, like, I would say think about that kind of stuff, dude, because you're clearly a little hung up on your appearance. And for somebody in your predicament, I would say, like,

So actually focusing on exercise might kind of be a double-edged sword of like you will feel better. I mean, first of all, you'll feel better because like the chemicals, but also you'll feel better about making progress in something and the thing you're making progress towards, you're

will also make you look traditionally more attractive, which seems to be a hang up for you. So just don't become a comedian. Yeah. Don't start doing open mic. Don't be a divorced open mic or one of the most pathetic types of guys. Um, but yeah, that's going to do it for us. Thanks for coming. That was such a fun episode. Um,

Go watch the specials. Leave us a nice review if you haven't. You know what I think we should start doing on this? I think we should start reading five-star reviews. And I know we've booked so far in ahead that it's going to take like... We're not going to be able to start doing this until like May somehow. But I think we need to start giving some nice incentives because we've never tried to make this podcast successful. It's just...

We just kind of put it out there and it's been doing pretty good. But, you know, give us some nice reviews and please subscribe to the YouTube channel or subscribe to, you know, iTunes, Spotify if you listen the other way. But we appreciate it and we'll see you next time, guys. Bye-bye. Bye.