#70 - Brian Simpson
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got my boy Brian Simpson on the couch today. Thanks for coming, dude. Thanks for having me. Special is out probably right now, right, Eldest? Yes. Special's out right now. Live from the Mothership on Netflix.

Go watch it. It's hilarious. I love the stand-ups you did with Netflix. You just had a lot of interesting stuff, so I'm excited to see the special, man. Yeah, man, I'm glad it's out. Finally. It's a long, long journey. Yeah, dude. It is always very...

I don't know. It is always, like, nerve-wracking when you're waiting for that shit to drop. Because it's in the can, and you can't, like, you know, talk shit. You can't talk about it. You can't really talk about it. And you're not important. That's the other thing. Like, everyone talks to you like you're important. Of course. But how they treat you is how you know. The second the phone call ends, it's like, how hard is it to get them back on the phone call? Right. Or, like, what kind of snacks...

at the snack table. Right. Absolutely. If you see the kind of snacks you can get at a recreation center, like an after school program, if you see them bagged goldfish, it's not looking good. If there's no fresh squeezed juice, the CEO of Netflix does not know. Twizzlers? What do they think of me? I need some prosciutto. You just got Capri Suns and Lush Meat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, dude, I know. We did it ourselves and then just sold it to them. So I can't wait to maybe the next one. We'll see, Elvis. We'll see what kind of snacks they set up. Although I will say we had a nice setup snack-wise. I feel like that's one place where this organization does not cut corners.

You're right, man. We are on it. I would be so disappointed if you're a snack. No, dude. I literally have a... Everyone laughs at this, but a rotisserie chicken is on my rider. There's always... Every green room I walk into, there is a hot Roto waiting for me. Do we have temperature required? I need to start doing that because, dude, sometimes they will...

If I get a cold one, bro, or if I get a lukewarm... I need that shit fresh, dude. How hard is that, man? Sometimes they get it and leave it in the fridge. Oh, that's despicable. What are you, my single mother? Right. That's literally like Sunday. Your mom's working a full weekend shift. You've picked through it. All the dark meat's gone. You have to make do with the part of the breast that sort of touches the dark meat that's a little chewier. I always feel bad. So I've only...

I only have requirements in places that I've sold a lot of tickets. The self-esteem is hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to complain. I'm with you, too. I just started being like, oh, I guess I really should request these things. Right, right. Because before, because comedy, you're always begging for stage time. You feel like they're doing you a favor. I need water. You walk in, oh, I'm sorry, is this tap water? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Well, the funny thing was we made the rider when it was like we're doing theaters. And like, look, comedy clubs, they have a kitchen. If you're starving, you have something to eat. But it was like, oh, these theaters don't have like place to, you know, they don't have a kitchen. So it's like get a fucking rotisserie, get a couple Greek yogurts. It was more like if something happens and your plane is fucked up and you have to go straight to the venue, can you get a little something going? But then we went back to clubs to like warm up for shit.

and I forgot to change the rider, so there's like... So we're at the, like, Buffalo Helium, and the guy is just bringing me a full rotisserie. The guy had to go out, and we're also ordering... We're at a comedy club. We're ordering burgers and wings and shit. They're judging the fuck out of you. Oh, dude, it was like... We're like, oh, the rotisserie's here? Um...

Can I have some buffalo bites also? And we were literally like picking apart the rotisserie. Like when you're a little kid trying to trick your parents into thinking you ate your vegetables, you just move the shit around. We were just like ripping off pieces of rotisserie chicken. And I'll make real fat boy moves. I'll take those buffalo bites and I'll take the skin. Oh.

Wow. You know, you were starting to say that and it was, you know, when you hear a comic do a joke that you're jealous of, you're like, what did I think of that? And you're like, that was, that's the fat equivalent where I'm like, that was staring at me in the face this whole time and I never came up with that. Yeah, dude, wrap, wrap any of the other food in the chicken skin and you'll be like, oh,

Oh, man. Now, I've done a nice move, and we'll quote, credit where credit's due when it comes to, again, jokes or fat shit. I will say whose idea this was. This is our old roommate, me and Ellis' old roommate, Ryan Shutt. He was not a fat man. He was a tall, lanky guy. He kind of introduced the concept of the

Popeyes mashed potato gravy boat in some thigh skin. He ripped it off and that, I was like, because I was never a big mashed potatoes guy at Popeyes. Thinking of it as a dipping sauce,

opened up a whole new world to me. A whole new level. And then the next level of Fatboy, like the emperor, that's Darth Vader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The emperor Palpatine level is when you get, because I've always struggled my way back before, but you always fat up here. Yes, absolutely. And so there's a little bit of guilt around it. And what makes me feel the guiltiest is when I really slip into Fatboy mode.

and I Uber Eats from two places so I can mix and match the things from each place. Oh yeah, brother.

Like, I want the chicken fingers from Burger King, but I want the sauce from Chick-fil-A. Yes, absolutely. You know, like that kind of shit. Oh, absolutely. A hundred percent. That's when I was like, because the end of the tour, it was getting out of control. Like, what I was up to, what I was ordering. It's like, what you eating tonight? Oh, chicken tiki masala fritters. Yeah, I actually Uber Eats the hot plate and canola oil. I know.

And I deep fried in my hotel room. Dude, I had at one point at the end of the tour when it was just, I felt like it was like bacchanal. I was just like, I had three orders going where it was like two dinners and a dessert coming my way. Where it was like, I got, I literally wanted sushi, but I was like, but I want wings. Like I was, you know, I was basically creating the plate you would get at a restaurant.

all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, but I was creating it with Uber Eats, where I was like, I want sushi and lo mein, but I also want wings and fries. And this particular Asian fusion place didn't have wings. It wasn't that trashy. So I had to get wings outside, and then I was like, well, I need a little ice cream, too. And it was literally the plate I got. I realized later, I was like, beef lo mein, chicken wings,

A couple sushi rolls. And then not soft serve ice cream, but ice cream. That is literally what I get when I go to a Chinese. You ever leave in your hotel room and you pass the maid that's got to clean it. You can't even look her in the eye. Yeah, absolutely. Like one time, dude, I worked Plano. I worked Hyenas. And it was Valentine's Day weekend. And it was like, but what you don't realize is like,

I was trying to get my room, like, freshened up because it was like, you know, I was just like, you know, it was not a great hotel. And then you realize, like, we're in suburban Dallas the day after Valentine's Day. The amount of, like...

trashy fucking that was happening in this shitty... Like, the maids, like, looked so overwhelmed and still, I would rather subject them to that than having to clean up after when I'm just... And there's, like, loose... There's smeared chocolate on the bed... On the bed sheet. Like, it's like, it would be better if I was into, like, weird...

like tantric sex shit with lube everywhere. They know how to handle that. They don't know how to handle the, you know, five different Uber Eats containers. They're like, how many different crumbs is this? They don't have, I don't know when they stop, but there's no bathroom fans anywhere.

In hotel bathrooms anymore. You're right. And you can't open any windows either. Oh, you're right. So like all those smells all mixed together. It's not good. It's your BO plus all the shit you ate. Plus what you ate, the trash of it, and the farts it's generated. They're all coming together. And here's the other thing. Where you're really at the highest level of fat guy stuff, where you're levitating, is like you used to think I have to finish everything. But then you're like...

I'm just going to get so fat, I'm going to order like 10 things and have like a quarter of everything. So it's like you're really, you don't even, there's so much leftover like syrupy foods congealing. It's so, so fucked up. Yeah, I feel bad about it. I know. I leave, I leave with a good tip. I leave, I always tip big. I always tip big because I was like, I know what you're dealing with is huge. And sometimes I'll leave,

you know, some ice cream in the freezer. If there's a freezer, I'll leave some. I thought I would get it together when I got successful, but I realized, oh, this just made me become more of what I was. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's not going to help at all. No, not even a little bit. Then you're like, wait, this doesn't mean anything to me. I used to be hemmed in. When I was a feature, I had to walk to a 7-Eleven to go crazy. Now it's like, yeah, okay. Oh, $140 plus tip and fees for what I just ordered? I don't care. It's coming out of Eldis' pay. Well, there goes Eldis' bonus this week. Okay.

I feel like I can't turn those receipts into my accountant because it's like, I don't want you asking about that. Right, right, right. You spent $20,000 on Uber Eats? No. Well, I was conducting business meetings at 2 a.m. Well, you know what? When it's me and you, it technically is. You know, I'm showing appreciation to my tour manager. I simply had to get it. And then one time, didn't we Uber Eats vape?

Not a vape. One night I was like... Oh, a charger to charge the weed vape. I tried to DoorDash like a USB-C charger because I had a weed vape on me, but it was out of battery. We were fiending, bro. Oh, my God. Thank God. Thank God they didn't have it in stock. I know. It was like 2 a.m. I know. It was like that. I don't know what's more pathetic. It's like that or like just you've been rejected by four women and you're like, all right.

The ugly bitch I was like, hell no to five hours ago. What's up, baby girl? You still awake? Want to come over and give me head while Eldest listens in the other room of our Airbnb? Bullshit. You good, bro? I think I accidentally set off my...

I actually set off the emergency. Oh, shit. We were about to get swatted. Yeah, man. So, were you a fat child as well? Nah. Because you grew up, our listeners probably don't know, but you were in foster care a lot. You were in some chaotic environment. So, I figure it must have been hard to stay fat. No, I was not a fat child. Okay. But...

But I was never really, like, ripped. And then the Marine Corps made me real insecure about it. Right, right, right. Because, like, there you don't got to be...

Right. To be fat. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? And it's not the army, it's the Marines. The Marines, yeah. These motherfuckers are like, because I did shows way back in the day, before I even moved to New York, I randomly got to do these really low-level USO shows in Korea and Japan. And it didn't pay shit, but they're like, hey, you're broke, it's a free trip to Japan and Korea. And at the time, it's like, I didn't...

I was like, oh, I'll never be able to afford this. And you're doing something for the heroes. Yeah, right, right, right. Right. That was my stance. I was like... And I was shocked because like...

You would see, like, you go to the Army base, then you go to the Marine base, and there was, like, a group of Marines that were, like, the most jacked guys you've ever seen in your fucking life. Although I will say I was also shocked. There was, like, there's this elite group where you're, like, I could see them giving you body dysmorphia, but then there was a lot of just regular motherfuckers. I was shocked to see how many just regular guys. And then the occasional fat motherfucker where you're, like, how are you? Yeah.

You don't look dangerous. That I respect even more. To be able to stay fat in the Marines, I tip my cap to anyone who does that. Because you really got to knock it. Because you're going to put up with verbal... I mean, it's probably different now where you probably can't say nothing, but people are just all the time, fat ass. I'm...

positive that woke culture hasn't really trickled down to the Marines yet. Well, no, but not to the extent that it is in the civilian world, but I'm sure relative to what it is. Sure. I'm sure they're not happy about it. Like, you can't waterboard a fat Marine with, like, melted cinnamon roll icing anymore. It's like, if your lieutenant is trans, you still, you gotta use her proper. Ha ha!

You know what I mean? Yeah, here's how the Army is adjusting to the times. They're also raping trans women now. They're like, hey, look, women are women. We have to sexually assault them just the way we do the rest of them. They're like, you identify as what? A woman? Oh, we don't believe you. We don't believe you.

Yeah, so that kind of got you to like, so you were just kind of chubby and then you're like, damn, I'm in the Marines. I got to get a little. So did you get like jacked while you were there or no? Oh, I was. I was huge. Really? But I was never like ripped. But I was fucking strong. But strong as hell. Yeah. Yeah. But it was never. But when you do that, when they do those little tests at the end of the year, you know, when they do your body fat and all that. Yeah.

"You're fat." I'm like, "No, but I'm jacked." They're like, "You're fat." - Yeah, the Marines treat men the way sororities in the '70s treated women. They're like circling the fat around your body. - Like the way a modeling agency treats gay men.

Yeah, it's basically RuPaul's Drag Race. Your sergeant is basically that bitch on Ozempic. What's her name? RuPaul's white friend. Do you remember her? Yeah, like, man, you're goddamn good at your job. You can probably keep a lot of people alive and help us accomplish plenty of missions. Too bad you're a fat piece of shit. That's, yeah, that is so, that's, yeah, that's fucking wild. And how long were, did you go straight to the Marines when you enlisted or would you go, I don't know how that even works.

You just like, you chose Marines? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you basically like, I'm assuming. Well, that wasn't my first choice. Okay. But the Air Force wouldn't take me. Oh, wow, really? Yeah, that's the cushy life. The Air Force is what you want? Yeah, yeah, because I know they're not going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, how many, when's the last time you heard of an Air Force person dying? I put it to you like this. You're right. So, you know, fast forward to future years later, I'm doing comedy, I move to L.A., I'm homeless.

Wow, okay. I'm living in a homeless shelter for veterans. And that was my third shelter. So I've been to a few, but I made my way into the nicest shelter. Yeah, yeah. And none of those... It's about who you know. It's politics just like anything else. It really is. But in all... He's a nepo homeless guy. Yeah.

His dad was homeless at this nice shelter. Because if you're homeless because you're crazy, you got no home. Right. That's the lowest for sure. Veterans, but you got to have your paperwork. You want to go to the nice one? You got to fax. Yeah, yeah. If you can't get to the fax machine. Yes, yes. Homeless, but still have an email account and pictures of you in uniform. Didn't see a single Air Force person in those places. Wow.

Yeah. I'm not sending that out there. Yeah, yeah. But I ain't never met one. They're in Hawaii, dude. You know, they're chilling. Yeah, you know, I'm pretty good. Are they, is Air Force the ones that do drones now? Or who does drones? I think they all do drones. Everyone gets their own drones? The Navy, yeah, everybody got drones. Yeah, yeah. Because Navy, Top Gun is technically the Navy, isn't it? They got their own pilots. I know that's not real life, but. No, I think it used to be. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. So the way I was stationed in Miramar, which used to be a Navy base, which used to be where Top Gun was. Oh, sick. So I'm not sure if Top Gun still exists or if it's somewhere different now. That's fucking awesome. Where's Miramar? San Diego. San Diego. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, I had the cushy life. Yeah. Ooh, San Diego. So I'm assuming you, did you enlist like as soon as you were 18? Because you were in foster care. Like, was it like a let's get the fuck out of this thing?

type of thing. Because the Army, from what I understand, the Armed Forces, it's like, oh, are you our most vulnerable? Come on through. You know what I mean? You're like, let me escape the foster care system or if you're poor. That's exactly what it was. I want to make my own choices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tired of the government controlling me. So what was it? Because we had Monroe on here. He was also a foster kid. And it was like, but was it, I think he, did you have any like,

Connect like were you like staying with different families were you like with your family at all was like your family getting assistance It was back and forth back and forth. Okay, so I probably moved like 14 times damn. Yeah, so I went from like starting at age what starting at six Okay, damn, and then and it was like then it was it was it was foster care family I mean it was foster care that was family and

Out of that, with family. Then back in the foster care. Just random whoever. Yeah, then foster home, foster home, foster home, foster home, family, foster home, foster home, group home, foster home, family, Marine Corps. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's insane that the Army gave you like...

You're like, I just need a nice something. Some stability. Let me just something where I don't have to. Like, it's crazy that it's like I get. But I get it. I totally understand. Stability is definitely what you were craving. If nothing else, you would assume that the army could at least give you like, all right.

You know where you're going to live for at least a little while. Yeah, it's the only time I ever lived somewhere for that long. Wow. But it was definitely not for me. The army. I'm sorry, the military. And I definitely wouldn't send my kids. Yeah, yeah, of course not. No, no, it's if you have no other choice. Right. That would be my advice. If you ain't got no other shit going on, you should do that. Yeah, totally. If you're 18 and you lost...

Like, basically, if you're 18, you don't know what your future is going to be. You didn't get into college, and your parents don't have something to pass on to you. Like, you know there's no inheritance. There's no, yeah, even a shitty business, not even like a 99-cent store that you can inherit. Like, they don't even got plans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you should do that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but if you got, but you know, what always tripped me out was every now and then you meet people

Like a rich kid That joined Almost like a To like In defiance Right Right right right I'll show you dad I don't need your fucking money Right right right It's like oh you dumb as shit You dumb as shit Yeah Eldest for a while Was talking about Going to the Going to the army For the discipline I think I could use The life discipline Nah Just get on the little routine You're so fucking stupid It's crazy You better off like Joining the nation of Islam Or something

He is Albanian. White Muslim. Some of the finest white Muslims there are. I just seen a video of an old white lady that was like a Muslim. That's awesome. She was arguing with a dude in the supermarket. That's crazy. She was like, yeah. I was like, I don't know.

Yeah. You can get in there, Elvis. They'll take you. Yeah, become religious, dude. That's better than this. Yeah, I can totally see you having a weird turn. I'm open to anything. I think I'm past the age of the army officially, but I think in case... How old are you? 35. But I think there's age waivers. What?

you're gonna apply for a waiver dude they're like well anytime we get this specimen this flat footed man shaped like a giant like a WNBA power forward I'm pretty sure the waiver's cut off at 35 uh oh but also you'd have to be in tremendous shape laughing

Well, I turn 36 next February, so... All right, man, you got to get in shape fast, dude, and get the paperwork rolling. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. You're so dumb, Elders. Damn, so then immediately, is it kind of nice? What did it feel like when you're like, oh, this is cool? Because also the hilarious detail is that the date you enlisted is so funny.

Right? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. This motherfucker, why don't you tell our listeners? I enlisted in March of 2001. So six months ago. Yes.

I mean, that's brutal. So brutal. Six months of the good old Clinton years, just the biggest problem we had was that he put a cigar in some fucking lady, in a girl's pussy. And then again, some Slavs were getting bombed. Who cares? But yeah, oh my God. Man, and I remember losing the bet too about like whether it was, because I still thought it wasn't going to happen.

What? Like, I remember, because I was in... Oh, you mean when the Army gave everyone a heads up that Bush was doing 9-11? You were like that when they sent out the memo, like, all right, guys, just mind your P's and Q's. It's going down September 11th. After 9-11, I think we was already... Oh, you mean the invasion. We was already in Afghanistan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sitting in Kuwait waiting, like, we're all waiting. Of course. Like, are we going to go? Are we not going to go?

You know, and I bet a lot of people I lost like $300. Wow, dude. I didn't pay everybody, though. I still owe somebody like 50 bucks. But I was like, come on, ain't no motherfucking way. Yeah. Nobody's fucking with a burger. They're going to surrender. They're going to give in to our demands.

I was so fucking wrong. Yeah, dude, have to go, have to, so you were, you went, you were in Iraq, right? Yeah, yeah. Damn, so you're like, so when they're like, all right, we're going to war, you and your boys were in there. Yep, yep. Damn, it fucking sucks. Yeah. These people that like glorify, it sucks. Even at the height, because like when we, when I went, it was like the beginning, so it was like, that's when, you know,

shock and awe dropping bombs and shit but I just mean we no because I wasn't on the front line but we digging holes to shit in and you know we still eating the MREs but now they you know by the time you leave you know there's a mall and there's KFC and there's an internet cafe and even that even in the so on my second deployment it was way nicer than the first time

But it still sucks. Yeah. And some of these people, they want glory so bad. They violent because they come and ask you fast for volunteers. Like I ain't volunteering for shit. I'm trying to tell you, I put your hand down. Dude, that must have been hilarious, though, because you enlist in March 20, you know, of 2001. And so it must have been a lot of people that were just like in maybe similar to your situation or just like, hey, I mean, we had been it was up until then. We had a stretch of the most like peace, you

Right.

September 11th, that means you must have gotten a wave of all these, like, I'm doing it for the country type motherfuckers, right? Yeah, it was a lot of them. I mean, because 9-11 happened while I was in school, like in the military, in the A school for my job. And I was in the tech school, so it was like all the, not all, but like a lot of the tech jobs are in 29 Palms to go to school for whatever tech they're in.

And all of us were like, you know, we're going to get in, do my little four years. Right, right, right. I'll have some experience. Right, right, right. You know, and then slowly but surely you get all these gung-ho motherfuckers like, let's kill, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget what the fuck, what was the racist name for the enemy? Uh,

You ever notice that all slurs come from people we was at war with? Right, right, right. It starts that way. Yeah, they all come from that. Because you have to dehumanize them. Of course. So it's fun to kill them. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like anytime we go to war with people, we make up a name for them. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm sure there were lots of primo slurs flying around. Oh, for sure. I mean, they were like, it's crazy how, it's funny, it is kind of,

to have lived through history because you don't experience, we didn't understand it, I think, until kind of recently because now it's like there's really a true first generation of people that were born after 9-11 that are like true adults, right? We're talking like 20-year-olds. And 9-11 is history to them. To them it's history. And it's like, it is so interesting to live through it because it's like describing shit like that to them where you're like, dude, this, you want to talk about death

and like patriotism and nationalism. Like my father is a Greek immigrant who refused to become an American citizen, right? Like does not speak English very well. Always talks about what a mistake it was to come to America. This motherfucker had an American flag.

Like, after 9-11. It was like, everyone was like, fuck yeah, we love America. It was like the weirdest, most like, I think it was the last gasp of like, whatever people were going, like, like that World War II shit where it was like, because at the very beginning, you are so scared. They do such a good job of propaganda of like, this is going to happen everywhere. These people are fucking evil. They hate, you know, whatever. And I'm like, I was, I was like, what?

We were in seventh grade when 9-11 happened. So it's like you're a dumbass little kid, and it's like slowly, like when they're starting to talk about going into Iraq, and I'm like probably in eighth or ninth grade, I'm like, wait, wait a second. This is kind of bullshit. Like that's creeping in, but it doesn't fully take over. And like I can't imagine what the fucking armed forces were like in that. Oh, we bought into it all. Yeah, of course. Everybody's like, oh, yeah, we're going to deliver some freedom. I mean...

Look, the smarter people figured it out sooner. Of course. You know. I mean, what were the vibes like? Because I remember being like, it was really weird in seventh grade French class. I can't imagine what it felt like in tech army class. Well, no, because I remember. So the first time I went, we were just doing our jobs. Yeah. But the second, my second appointment. No, I mean like the day of 9-11 in school. What did that feel like? When people were like, oh.

oh fuck they were like damn my life's different at first it was like oh this is World War 3

Because we didn't know. Nobody had claimed responsibility. So it was just like, oh, shit. It could be anybody. Is that Russia? Is that China? Because this one of them, that's World War III. Because I didn't know that Arabs hated us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that we fucked over brown people. I didn't know anything. I'm a high school dropout. I don't know shit about anything.

You know what I mean? So it was easy to believe, but I just thought so logically. But at first, like I said, I bought it all. I was like, oh yeah. But they attacked our freedom. Yeah.

Time to go. For whatever reason, that made perfect sense to a lot of people. Of course. It's easy. It's simple. They hate you because you're free. Yeah. You, the guy who barely has any money and had to go to the army to survive or stay in the foster care system where if you, you know...

everyone is pretty much guaranteed to get molested and barely get an education. Ah, every member of this society has freedom. Like, it's so fucking, it's so funny to think that shit. And we all, you know, everyone sort of did at first. They're like, yeah, yeah, they hate you because you're free. I'm like, but aren't they free? Yeah. No? Or why aren't they attacking the people that's making them not free? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is it us? Yeah.

Are we contributing somehow to their lack of freedom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't think that deep. Of course. Of course. You know, that was the last time. We were the last generation to go, why would the government lie? Right, right, right, right, right. All of them? Right, right, right. Why would the president lie? Yeah, the president's trying to keep us safe. Like about blowjobs, sure, but that's his personal. That's him, dude. He's trying to blow off steam. Why would they tell lies that cost lives? Yeah.

Now that's so laughable. Now you're right. This is whole young generation that like, now you can't lie. Like you can, like now the truth, like people don't trust anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was the death of truth. Yeah. Yeah. Now we don't know what true motherfuckers don't trust scientists. Yeah. It's a rap. You don't trust scientists, preachers.

All government officials. No, it does. You're right. That is at first I was like, oh, that sounds cool. But it's like it's almost scary to be completely post truth and completely post because it's like, all right, we'll just make up whatever the fuck. I don't know. I don't know what's true. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. I mean, you're right. It is the generation that lived through all this shit. So it's like, oh, to go from like 9-11 to like.

From 9-11 when we were young to like... Because everybody you're supposed to trust lied. They're like, oh, Bill Clinton lied. He got his dick sucked. And then Fauci lied. Was Al Gore lying about global warming? Right, right, right. Everything's on the table. That one senator from Alaska, he lied. He was doing gay shit in the airport bathroom.

That's one of the most classic senator lies there is, though. Republican senators love to lie about being gay. And then it turns out, like, okay, everybody partying with Puff Daddy. Yeah. Oh, that is interesting. The Diddy stuff is like, really, he really seems to be a gay supervillain. You know, the most crazy part about all of that is that there is this very specific brand of...

homophobia that's deeply embedded in hip-hop. Of course. And Puffy is such an integral part of hip-hop. Right, right, right. Because at that point, it's not even a matter of like, is he gay? It's just like, he's just rich and powerful. Right, right. He's evil. And making the most homophobic guys, black, cool rappers, do gay shit is the most powerful thing you can do. He's like Caligula. Yeah, yeah.

You've stripped the toughest dudes of their humanity. He's basically the black Hillary Clinton if you think about it. You want a hit? Fuck him. Can you imagine being that guy and you looking around like, did y'all do this? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude. If some comes out, like, that would be... I would be shocked if some... Like, Diddy also seems kind of Machiavellian, where it's like, you can kind of trace back. It's like...

Everyone around him just kind of dies or disappears. What movie did he play a villain in? Was it Carlitos? No, not Carlitos. I don't remember. Monster's Ball? Not a villain. He wasn't a villain in that. Pull up his IMDb. Yeah, he played a villain in the movie. Get him to the Greek. He nailed it. I don't remember.

Yeah, I feel like I don't remember him. I really don't remember his acting career, except for Bad Boys 2, Get Him to the Greek. I literally remember him from Get Him to the Greek. No, this was a black movie. This was a gangster movie. So he must have like... No, no, no, you just go to the list of movies. Yeah, go to his... What are you doing? Not producer, just actor. Yep, click up. Yeah, just actor, yeah, yeah.

Way before that. Girls Trip. No, it's before that. Before Black-ish. I didn't realize he acted this much. Yeah, he's in a lot of shit. WrestleMania. He was in It's Always Sunny. Hawaii Five-O. He's in a lot of shit. Dirty Money. Everything's called Diddy something. Okay, I'm still here, though.

It definitely was not a movie that had Diddy in the title. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of, these are just music videos. Yeah, what the fuck? Why is this in his acting? Oh, no, yeah, Carlitos Way. Oh, Rise to Power. Yeah, Carlitos Way, yeah, yeah.

I never saw Rise to Power. I saw, obviously, the original. That's a fucking banger. Yeah, see, I think he was in the original, too, but I could be wrong. No, no, no, he wasn't. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong. Whatever. Okay, but the point is, he played this villain so perfectly that it's like, oh, yeah, he really is like, he's Thanos, bro. Yeah.

Yeah, and it would be... It is interesting any time some shit about evil, powerful people comes out. It just is fascinating. No one is surprised. The thing is, I do feel like it will stay secret because no one wants to admit they sucked P. Diddy's dick. You know what I mean? Like fucking Meek Mill doesn't want... I mean, Meek Mill being like, dude, how could I be gay? I love pussy. Yeah.

That is actually Republican senator coded right there. It's like, yeah, dude, no way. But it's almost like you don't have to prove

You have to prove stuff. I mean, your lyrics sound different to everybody. Well, he doesn't rap. I mean, everything was ghostwritten for him, I'm pretty sure. Who, for Meek Mill? Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, for P. Diddy. Oh, yeah, well, of course. Anyway, fuck P. Diddy. Who gives a fuck? He don't write rhymes. He writes checks. So how long did you have to serve for, though, dude? I did five years. Five years. How many tours is that?

Two? Two, yeah. Okay, damn. But when I wasn't deployed, I was in San Diego the whole time. That's pretty nice. Yeah, that's why I got the fuck out. I was like, it's not going to get better than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you get stuck in Japan or fucking...

Totally. North Carolina. Yeah. San Diego's a nice draw. And it's like a military town, too, so people kind of like, it's part of the culture there. It's like a military town, but also a hippie town. It's also, I think it's the most expensive city in America. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, the vibes were really fucking weird when I was there, because I was like, oh yeah, this is like,

This is like hippie but like conservative. Well, it's run... It's like hippies that would ease, 100% exterminate the homeless. It's a bunch of rich conservatives but all their kids are liberals. Yeah. So it's like all the politicians are conservative but all the inhabitants...

Those kids don't stay liberal for long. Rich people's kids do not stay liberal. When push comes to shove, they're like, ah. Once they buy a house and they're like, these fucking poor people are on my stoop. They fucking, they switch up very quickly. Once they make it out of the crust punk phase. Yeah, yeah. One shower and now all of a sudden they're moderate Republicans. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess the weather's nice, but I did not enjoy the vibes of...

of San Diego? It was the first place I'd ever been where complete strangers would share their drugs with you. And I mean, I guess, and now I realize that that's kind of more of a California thing. Yeah, sure. But San Diego's my first place in California and I just couldn't believe it. Like, people were just like, hey. So did you ever, that's crazy.

To me, you must have had such whiplash of like, you go from like, you know, because you grew up, was it Maryland that you were in? You grew up in Peach County or whatever, so you're in like the Maryland system. Well, I started out in the D.C. system. Okay, D.C., yeah, even crazier. And then went into the Maryland. Gotcha. But either way, it's like you're from there, and then you're in like, you enlist and you go to San Diego, and it's like life is kind of nice for a while. Life is real nice. Yeah. When I moved to San Diego, I knew that I would never live in,

Yeah. The DMV again. Yeah, yeah. I was like, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my family, when are you coming home? Uh,

I'm home already. Yeah, yeah. So then you go to San Diego and then you fucking, and then it's Iraq? Like, does it go from like San Diego to Iraq? No, so it went, no, it went, so it went Maryland and then 29 Palms. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Which is a, which is a shithole. Okay, okay, okay. For school for like 11 months. Okay, okay. Then San Diego. So yeah, it went Maryland, the desert, San Diego, then, then Iraq. Damn. Then back to San Diego. Then back to Virginia. I worked at the Pentagon for a little bit.

bit oh really and then back to San Diego gotcha gotcha when you were out you worked at the Pentagon yeah yeah yeah gotcha gotcha that was that you were thinking this might be my career yeah actually I skipped some but before that I was in Oregon I worked at Intel for a little while gotcha interesting and they but those two jobs back and back to Intel and the Pentagon were you doing computer shit in the army yeah those were the best jobs I'd ever had hmm

And that's how I knew that, like, I couldn't do a corporate job. Interesting. Because I was making great money. I was single. I had great hours, great work days. But I was fucking. Really? I fucking hated every single day of it. Of just the job? Yeah. Like, I never walked into a job and was like, oh, this is so great. Yeah, yeah. I fucking hated it. That's so interesting because it's like you think somebody who, like, you know, had your whole life until then was chaotic. Yeah.

Right. Pure chaos. So you would think maybe, you know, the assumption I would have is that like you get a good job and yeah, jobs suck dick. Every job sucks. But it's like you got a good paycheck. You probably have your own place. You probably get to buy shit for the first time in your life. But you know what it was? You know what I figured out now after all this time of like thinking about it? I think the foster care thing made me develop, like I have this strong rebellion against being controlled. Mm.

And because I have this deep-seated fear of somebody being in charge of me that I don't respect. Right, right, right. That I don't trust. You know, it's almost like getting sent to a foster home that has fucked up parents. Right, right, right. And you're like, wow. And once you give in to that, where you're like, all right.

I'm part of I'm sort of like giving into this I'm trusting you and then they can pull the fucking rug out from under you at any time my boss at one spot was a racist my boss at the other spot was an alcoholic like severe alcoholic and a

Both at the Pentagon. Checks out. Either of those, I wouldn't be surprised if that was like the guy running the military. No, but it's like, I was just over that shit. I have to be in charge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same thing with everything. I get that. I've tried to do, I try to do, you know, right now I'm on my...

I'm on my third podcast. But this is the first one where it's just mine. B.S. with Bryan Simpson available on all platforms. Check it out, folks. Yeah, but before that, I tried to do them with people. Right.

I can't do that. I get that. Because I don't even, not only don't I want you, anyone in charge of me, but I want control. Dude, I fully understand that. I don't want to run nothing by you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? On a creative tip, it's like, I'm not... Even something as easy as scheduling, you want to do whatever the fuck you feel like. Yeah, I'm not trying to debate with you about what's a good idea. I'm the ideas guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. And ultimately, there is some comfort, because I feel, I definitely relate to that. I mean, like, you know,

And Comptown was, we were making, I walked away from like 25 grand a month. Oh my God. Because I was just like, I had that same thing of like, this is, you know, there was some, like I think artistically we were all kind of feeling a little, it was getting a little stale for all of us. But still, I was just like, at the end of the day, I was like, you know, I'd like to do whatever, just be my thing where I control the schedule, I control whatever. And it's like, look, if it fails...

Great, but I at least know that I gave it a shot. There's a comfort in it going as far as you can take you. I don't really want to hitch on to anything. I want to let me do my own shit and just be in control of it. And there's almost like a I can sleep mindset.

better at night knowing it was like it was my thing i don't know there's like a weird i am with you because it's it's illogical right both of us were probably wrong at times in our lives when we made those decisions and it's just because that's how our fucking psychology works where it's like i just kind of need control yeah but you know what like you don't know if you're gonna be right or wrong yeah but just but growing up and having people that are not your parents make a

long-term choices for you. Yeah. Where they're not going to be around to deal with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be around. Because they don't know if it's right either. They're doing what they think is best, but if they're wrong, they don't got to deal with it. Right. So it's like, I'd rather do what the fuck I want, and if I'm wrong, then fine. Right, totally. Fuck doing what you want. Fuck doing what you think is best. And then that thinking took you from Intel to, it sounds like, a couple homeless shelters. Right. Right. And in hindsight...

And Hans said, I was like, what a stupid idea. Because I thought, I started comedy in San Diego. Okay. And I thought, yo, my soul, my plan is

I'm just going to go to LA, you know, and I'm, and I'm kind of going, I'm just going to kind of meander from couch to couch. Yeah. Until I, until, you know, and it's only a matter of time before somebody with power sees how fucked up much of a place I am. But I had two things working against me. Um, the job I thought I was a shoo-in to get, I did not get. So I, I have been, when I, in San Diego, I have been a security guy at the comedy club for four years. Um,

And there was just a shooting at the comedy store in LA. - Gotcha. - And they was starting to hire security and I was like, well, there's definitely no one else-- - I mean that is crazy that you wouldn't get that job. - That has comedy club security. No, but it was the fact that I was a comic, they didn't wanna hire me as security.

They didn't want to hire any comics because you're always gone. You're always on the road. I see. You're a fucking Marine who works comedy club security. It's so crazy. Also, don't they now hire everyone to be comic? Everyone? Oh, they're door guys. No, no, no. So the door guys have always been there. Gotcha. But security people was a new thing. I see. So that fell through. And I had severe undiagnosed untreated sleep apnea. Oh.

Oh, dude. And I'm talking about to the point where like... You would nod off in the middle of the day and shit? Like, I'm sure my friends would... No one would say it to me, but I'm sure they talked about it when I wasn't there. Yeah, yeah. Eldest has that. I remember whenever we slept in the same room, it's like... And one day, my boy Billy... I don't know if you know Billy Bonnell, but also a veteran Navy guy. Okay. But I was crashing on their couch and he was like, hey man, has anyone ever told you you snore? And I was like...

yeah, everything down there, but not really. He was like, oh, okay, yeah. But yeah, it's like maybe my ex used to say it a lot. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, you know, he's sipping his coffee and he was like, has anybody ever told you that you snore so obnoxiously loud that they've thought about bashing you in the face?

It's awesome to be a couch surfer who's the most annoying sleeper of all time. Oh, man. You're just ruining everyone's fucking rest. Because you can't help it. That's why. Like, same thing on a plane. Like, now I got the little machine and the little mini, the little travel joint. You put them on the plane? Because I got sleep apnea as well. It's like having a shitty time machine. Like, you just wake up and people are mad at you. Yeah. Yeah, you're groggy. You feel like shit. It was like, it was 1 o'clock, now it's 5 o'clock and everyone's pissed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally, totally. I fucking hate it.

Yeah. Damn, dude. But that got me where I had like, this ain't gonna last. Yeah. Me just going couch to couch. Right. Because of the apnea. Yeah. So I went to the VA. And let me tell you this, too. So I was only literally like on the street for a couple days. But the hardest part

Let me not say that. But the part that people don't think about being homeless, like a difficulty, is carrying all your stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you can't leave it nowhere.

Those shopping carts don't seem so ridiculous now. Bro, I get total forgiveness of carts. Take your cart, man. Because you can't... You're always in situations where you can't bring your shit inside and you can't leave it outside. Right, right, right, right, right. So you...

You know, and you can't, you definitely can't leave it like right here and go uptown to run errands and come back. You know, you got to take all your stuff everywhere. Yeah. Like, imagine that. If you just had to break your life down to the essentials, like only the shit you needed, but you had to carry it everywhere. Constantly, yeah. That'd be brutal. Yeah, bro. And I just, I mean, one or two days of that. And I was like, because I was walking to the VA. I finally made it to that motherfucker. I was like, I don't got no idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There was a whole thing. And that shit's all a scam. Anyway. Interesting. All these homeless shelters and shit. That shit's all a scam. Yeah, yeah. It's all a non-profit scam. I know. It's so ridiculous that it's like... People put money into this problem that gets filtered through all these organizations. It's like...

literally buy houses and put people in them. Or just give people money. Yeah. Like, I forget what the, I just watched a video about the thing in Los Angeles about how, like, the money that they put into the homeless initiative, how it went up to, like, a billion and a half dollars down from half a billion dollars. Yeah. And homelessness doubled. Right.

Right, right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, it would cost them less than the half a billion dollars just to give all the homeless people money. I know, but God forbid somebody gets, it's like everyone in America is like, no, my life sucks dick and their life has a suck dick too. I need that money. Give me the money. It's like, okay, you can have some too. We have it. Right.

It's mad ideological, right? Because I'm always doing these Austin crowds and it's mostly white people. Yeah.

And this goes liberal and conservative. Both think like this. Like, I don't want to fucking give nobody a free ride. But if you, and you know it's just ideological. Because if you word it differently, so what I would do on stage sometimes is I go, because, you know, you've been to Mothership. It's on 6th Street. And 6th Street in Austin is where the homeless. It's homeless as hell. But it's where the shelter is. It's like where they come every day to get food.

you know, whatever, bread or whatever the fuck, right? So all the homelessness is concentrated around that street. So if you come to 6th Street, the party, you deal with it all the time. So everyone is like, so you could bring it, you could be like, so the homeless people are here, right? People go, yeah. And I go, yo, if I told you that

If I got a dollar from everybody in this room, you would never see another homeless person on 6th Street. Would you take it? Everybody, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. I was like, well, actually, it's five cents and it's taxes. And they're like, well, I don't fucking know about my taxes. And it's like the cognitive dissonance. I know. Like some people are just so dedicated to their ideology that...

that they will even say they don't want what they just said they want. Of course. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, for a nickel. Yeah. For a nickel of your money. Yeah. You would never have to see another homeless person on 6th Street. But they would have Ikea furniture, though. Right. What the hell? It's like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I just feel like, and I don't know what political leaning this makes me, but I just feel like if we have a problem that can legit be solved by money,

as the richest democratic nation, we shouldn't have that problem. It's so shameful that we have this. Our empire is going to dissolve just based on apathy. I know. Well, it's like, yeah, I mean, it's just classic political stuff of like, it is like just distract people with...

I mean, the trans issue is a big thing now where people are villainizing these people who are barely any percentage of who we are. It's so few people in the grand scheme of things. But it's like an old conservative playbook of like before it was like, you know, before it was like interracial marriage. You know, now it's trans people. It used to be gay marriage. It used to be interracial marriage. It used to just be fucking segregation. It's like so clearly the like.

just hate on the people that, you know, it's just like distract people, get them to vote on these ideological things so that they don't vote economically. It's like just such a classic part of the playbook. And I do think homelessness fits under that where it's like you feel sort of superior to, you know, some of these people feel superior to them. And it's like no one wants to give. And there's like the idea of a handout being this negative thing where it's like that's,

What a government basically is, it's like pooling your resources and making sure we have all our shit covered, but the second it becomes someone you think is not worthy of it, someone you think is less than, like a homeless person or whatever, people can't fathom themselves getting that low. The truth is, because this is the same benefit, this is the same...

thought process behind like Jim Crow and like the systemic racism and shit was that like the whole point of the Jim Crow era was in order to because it was around you know it was around the same time as industrialization so it's like to convince to be able to keep taking advantage of poor whites

you had to give them someone that they knew for sure they were better than. Right, right, right. So that was the whole... Yeah. That was the whole... Yeah, like these rich motherfuckers, I don't even think they really racist. They...

But they stoke the racism because they get to keep taking advantage of poor whites. Because that's the majority, right? Totally. So as long as you better than niggas, then you don't care that I'm paying you $2 an hour because the black man gets $0.25. Right. If there was an equalization of homeless people, if everyone got some kind of baseline income,

then the poorest people in society would be like, oh, well, I'm equal to homeless people now? Exactly. You know what I mean? Somebody just did a survey where they asked a bunch of people, would you rather have a job where you make $100,000 a year, but everyone else at your job makes $120,000?

Or would you rather have a job where you make 70 but everybody else makes 60?

And the majority of people took the 70. That's so crazy. But that's how we, that's about hierarchy. And it's about like, it's not really about the actual material resources. Because that's what being rich is. Right. Being rich. Right. Right. Right. You're right. Being rich. It's relative. Yeah. It's what can I do that you can't. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And it's like, cause, and I found myself and I'm not even really rich. I'm, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm doing better than before, but when I, when I, when I waste money on rich people things, I,

I get more bent out of shape when it's not better than everybody else's. Right, right, right. I'm in a nice hotel now. It's got to be good. Whereas, like, in the past, like... Or, like, if I spend the extra $500 on a first-class seat and then the goddamn tray table don't come out, then I'm like, hey, bitch, excuse me. Yeah. I need you to make a note of this in my file so I can be mad because this is not... I need more points for this. Well, this ain't... This is not better than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want...

I want the people in Comfort Plus looking at me with jealousy. Yeah, yeah. I need them to suffer. I need to know, yeah, exactly. This bitch got a lot of leg room. Yeah. Can we move my chair back? Can you actually put my luggage in her leg room, actually? Yeah, so it's like, that's what it is, man. It's taking advantage of that psychological thing where you need to feel superior to other people. Yeah. Yeah, because in...

And now, because they even did it with slaves, where it was like, it was the house slaves and the field slaves. And it's like, oh, you were getting in the house. Right, right, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the divide and conquer at every level is crazy. You use superiority against people. Yeah. Well, we're not going to solve homelessness today, but... Very good points, Brian. Brian, who is sitting next to me right now, would you like some liquid death?

Oh, he's really drinking a lot of it, folks. That's enough, pal. More for me. Guys, I love Liquid Death. You know that they're a longtime sponsor here. And you're probably looking at this thing and you're thinking, was that a brewski?

Where is this guy drinking booze? I thought Stav said he was sober. I am. We're on two months sobriety now. Nothing, no drinkies, no druggies, nothing. And Liquid Death has helped me all the way with that. They got beautiful spring waters that quench your thirst, murder your thirst.

And they have very low calorie sodas and iced teas. I'm a big iced tea guy. I'm a big Grimleaf-er guy. I'm a big armless Palmer guy. I love that shit, and I think you will love it too. We crack them open. We go through these cases like you wouldn't believe so much so that, yes, I'm in Baltimore right now. These aren't even the ones Liquid Death sent me. I bought these out of my own pocket, you motherfuckers. That ought to tell you how much I appreciate the product.

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Liquid death the metal This metal that you're seeing here is gonna get recycled It might be made into a nice butt plug and that goes into somebody's ass on purpose

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Love Express VPN. I'm here in Baltimore. I'm trying to get in touch with myself Okay, I'm trying to lose a couple LB's we're down a few. I'm not gonna get ahead of myself Most of my most of my days consist of working out taking long walks Eating healthy and watching a lot of TV. I've been watching a lot of shit. I

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Maybe you're in Tuscaloosa, Alabama with ExpressVPN. You click a couple buttons as far as they fucking know you're in Great Britain, my friend. You're fucking checking out British television. And honestly, I personally have been doing that. I've been on I've been telling using ExpressVPN to tell my Internet that I'm on that I'm in London and I've been watching Stathlet's Flats on.

They took it off HBO Max in America, but you can find it on Apple TV in England, you fucking idiots. That's right. I've been using it to get away around sporting events that are blacked out in Baltimore, too. I don't give a fuck. I love ExpressVPN. And it's so easy. I'm stupid, right? I don't know how to do, you know, I don't know how to do technology. ExpressVPN walks you through the whole thing. I sign up, you download it on your computer, this computer right here, as a matter of fact, and

And you just click Literally You press There's a drop down menu And you just type in England Bam Italy You want to watch some motherfuckers Cook spaghetti Italy You want to watch International soccer Maybe you're a big soccer fan Go to whatever Go to Spain Go to Italy Whatever you like I'm going to start trying to use it For Greek TV

That's next. So far, it's just been staff, let's flats and sporting events that are blacked out in my area. But you can you have access to thousands of extra shows in different places. You don't see some shit you want to see on your on your Macs, on your Hulu, on your Netflix.

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extra free months when you use our special link expressvpn.com slash stavi that's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash stavi to get three extra months completely free and watch whatever you want from all over the world that'll do it folks Brian uh

Do you want more liquid death, buddy? No, no. Perhaps we can solve some of our friends' problems here. This is my favorite show. I'm the advice champ. I can't wait. I can't wait. So go watch the special. Let's plug again here in the middle. Watch the special on Netflix right now, live from the mothership. Live from the mothership. Brian Simpson. Then the BS podcast on all platforms. Do your fans have a nickname? Not really, no. No, okay. We don't have. We should work on that. Yeah.

But I got nothing right now, honestly. I can't even brainstorm. Subs. It says, hey, subs. No, this is a Google transcription, so it's always weird. They probably were trying to say Stav. It's garbage. I'm like, hey, Google, how many people do you have to spy on before you get the translation? Yeah. It's Stav's world, Google. I know you're fucking. You know they're saying Stav. You know they're saying Eldis, not Elvis. Yeah.

Actually, you know what's funny, though? This makes me nostalgic for when they don't know everything. It's kind of nice to see really shitty AI. I have the AI thing, the Gemini shit, and it still gets shit wrong. When I say black, it spells it with a Q. It's not even a word. And I asked it, I was like, why do you keep spelling black with a Q instead of with a K? And it was like, well, that is a variation. So now you're arguing with me. You dance like me.

Hit us with this, Big Elds. Hey, Sob, love the pod. Hey, Sob, love the pod. Hey, Sob, love the pod. I've called before. This is a different issue.

So I, my boyfriend went on a trip back to his home country. He moved to the U.S. when he was like 14. Goes back, is having a good time, is hanging out late, super drunk, almost blackout, and smooches a girl and then feels bad about it. He's telling me, you know, he's feeling really bad. It's kind of like fucking me up, even though I know it's just a kiss.

But yeah, am I, yeah, should I be worried about this? Should I be, nothing like this has really happened before. Yeah, have you made a mistake like this before? Would love to know. Love you. Thanks, bye.

Interesting. So a little kiss. What a fucking idiot. Yo, has anybody, has none of these people seen Interstellar? Remember the dude that got the robot? I was way too high when I saw Interstellar. I actually don't remember any plot points. No, it's not about the plot. Okay. He got a robot companion.

And the robot is being too honest. And the robot goes, my default programming is for 95% honesty because the average human can't handle blah, blah, blah. So it's supposed to be set at like 85 because nobody wants you to... Why are you telling her that? The only thing that came out of you telling her that you got fucked up and made out with a girl in another country is now she's doubting everything. Yeah. It's like you...

You did that for you to alleviate your conscience, but now you just put all that weight on her. You shouldn't have said nothing. So is there a level of cheating you should tell or you should just not bring it up ever? Look, I feel like it's about your... Because the kiss, I sort of see what you're saying. If you're drunk as hell and you're like, oh my God, and you do legitimately feel bad about it and you're like, fuck, it was just a kiss, whatever, then I kind of see where you're coming from. Like, whatever, I'm not, I'm never doing this again, I'm not telling her about it. Yeah, because you didn't...

But if he got head. No, but I'm saying because you was basically sexually assaulted. I don't know that that's the case. No. He smooches a girl, he says. No, but no, he says he was damn near blacked out. Right, right. Well, that's also what he's saying. That's his, you know what I mean? Maybe he did get a stick sex. That is true, though, because this opens up so many things. I hear this and I'm like...

If he's telling her he kissed a girl, did he actually get head and he's trying to like gauge her reaction of like, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. And that if, but if that would be an even crazier supervillain move of like, then he's doing what you're saying, making her feel bad, but he's not even really coming clean. Yeah, this is dumb. This whole come clean shit, you do that when you do that when it's,

irreparable. Like, you really did some evil villain shit. You don't have to share every single thing with your partner. Every single mistake. What if he was afraid that there's some way he gets back to her or like, maybe there's like he, to play devil's advocate here, and he does want to make this relationship work and he does feel bad and he's just like wants to make sure nobody snitches on him or something. Well, also, look, man, you know, the Buddha says,

suffering come from expectations. You know, and here's the God honest truth. Yeah. And I know a lot of people don't think like me, but if my significant other is going to visit their home country without me, I'm just assuming they gonna fuck somebody. You know what I mean?

Because if your ex is going back home, or anytime anybody, anybody I know, when they going back home to where they grew up, to where they escaped from, it's people that they fuck. They're taking a victory lap. It's first loves. You know what I mean? It's baby mothers. It's old flames. It's people that didn't see you when you, they knew you when you was broke, but now

But now you got a little money, so now you're fuckable to them. So all your temptations are back there. You beat that game. I also wonder how old these people are. Sorry, fucking yawning at me. If they're in their early 20s. Definitely early 20s. Or no, I'm going to say late 20s, 27, 28. Interesting. Something like that. But you're right, because if they're early 20s, then I see your point about visiting the home country without...

her like if it was like a little you'd think if it's a little more serious she's going with or at least he's inviting her um yeah and also this girl's called in for multiple problems so she don't have a good friend circle laughing

You know? I thought calling the podcast for advice was like a novelty. But she's like, nah, this is how I solve everything. It's her support system, and we love her for that. Oh, you know what's crazy? What? The last call she did was on the telemarketers episode. She's the high school teacher wondering how to deal with the students like Andrew Tate obsessed like misogyny. Oh, wow. Interesting. So now she's maybe gotten herself too high value of a male here.

That's what it sounds like. Yes, yes. See, I don't know if... I mean, does a kiss bother you, Stavi? I wouldn't be pumped, but it would be like, all right, well, it would be like... It's like the level of, like...

You know, like, I don't know what else somebody like standing me up three times or so. You know what I mean? I'd be like, what the fuck, bitch? It would be like that. We're like, it's not something we can't get over. But yes, I'm going to be annoyed. It's something that what that's what I mean is it's it's something that we could get over. But it's also it's also something that I would I would rather not know.

It's like, okay, you went back home, you got real fucked up, you made out with some person. Yes, I agree. Just don't tell me. I actually agree with you. But here's the key. If the person actually really feels like it's a mistake and does want to move, just don't tell me and be a little nicer to me for a couple weeks. You know what I mean? Yeah. But don't do it right after the vacation because then I'll get suspicious. I think it's for him too, though, because it's like...

That could be a slippery slope if you don't come clean. That's true. Because it's like, well, the kiss, overall, no big deal. I mean, it's like, well, I got my cock rubbed over my jeans. I grabbed a tit. I put a tit in my mouth, but my cock didn't come out. And then it's like, well, she rubbed it. It didn't come. This is nothing. It's people literally debating about whether giving Usher a lap dance is

is a violation of your relationship. You know what I mean? So it's like, I mean... Where do you stand on that? No, no. Oh, yeah, that's a violation. Yeah, I agree. This is nothing. This is nothing. I sort of agree, and I think, like, it's okay, but the thing to be, for her, is like, you're right, Eldest. I think it actually is a good sign, because it's like, if you really believe him, and he is the kind of guy who wouldn't lie, and he does, you can tell he feels bad, but...

then this is good that he kind of, he's just like, he wants to come clean. He wants there to be like honesty in your relationship. And this is something you can get over. It's, you can be upset about it for a while. Right. And that's okay. You, you know, and you also don't want to pretend that you're not upset and you also, but like, just like any kind of violation of trust, the only way to get over it is for him to earn your trust back again. So it's like, he just kind of has to,

Prove that he's, you know, do honestly, I joke about it, but yeah, do some nice shit. Pay a little more attention to you. The same way you earn trust the first way is the way you re-earn it. So it's like, and you just have to be honest about how you feel. I've made this mistake in the past before where I've pretended I'm cool with shit.

And then two weeks later, I'm like, you're a fucking... You know, I make up some argument that doesn't even matter. I'm like, how fucking dare you? That's what I was about to say. So you have to actually be cool with it. If you don't think you can get over it, just break up with him. Yeah. But if you can actually get over it, then you have to literally do that. You can't keep throwing it in his face for years and years and years. And ultimately, it is just a kiss.

I'm not, but, but, you know, so it's like we vote. Our vote here, I think, is take some time, but get over it. Don't let this ruin your relationship. It is an honest, not an honest mistake, but it's a mistake that happens. He got swept up. And the fact that he told you, and if he especially feels bad about it, is a good sign. And just like, you know, roll with the punches, unless...

It is something you think you can't get over. That's not how... I don't feel that way, but ultimately, all this shit is personal, right? So it's like, you know, if you really can't get over it, you're right. And also, if one of your top G high school students somehow rears you up... Yeah.

That'll show. He has to agree that when you go to prison, he's going to wait. Yeah, that'll show your fucking boyfriend. Fuck one of your students. For real. He just has so much swag. All right.

What's up, Stavros, Elders, prestigious guests, slash guests. What's up, Stavros, Elders, prestigious guests, slash guests. What's up, Stavros, Elders, prestigious guests, slash guests.

In advance, but I'm going to try to keep the info pretty concise. Thanks, dude. I am a homosexual man who probably is actually bisexual. The opposite of me. I didn't tell my mom. Is he saying probably? Yeah. Okay. I didn't have any attraction to women. Can you turn it up, Evan? She was a super conservative Christian. I just wanted to spite her a little bit. That's awesome. I've never been with a woman at all.

And, you know, I dated in high school like a little bit, but obviously nothing ever really came of that. Basically, my dilemma is I am currently in a relationship with a man. We've been together for like three and a half years. We've lived together for almost two years. Nice. Going really well. I really love him a lot. But we've been talking about like settling down and getting married and buying a house and everything like that.

And I'm really young. I'm 24. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. And there's a part of me that just feels like I'm not quite ready for that yet. Sure. You know, there's, like, a lot that I haven't done. Like, I've never fucked a girl before. And I feel like that'd be pretty cool. Yeah. But I don't know how to say to my, like, gay boyfriend, you know, seem to be fiance or whatever, like, hey, I actually want to have sex with a woman. Yeah.

Don't know. I just feel like it's a little late in the game to be like hey, let's actually just keep things casual It's been like three and a half years. I don't know man. I just think I'm afraid of You know in ten years being like 35 and like in some fucking love with marriage So any advice would be greatly appreciated. I

I don't really want to break up with him. But I don't know. You got to do what you got to do, I guess. I don't know. I respect. I love you. Goodbye. Wow. I love this guy. This guy is just really baring his soul. I love that he's spiteful. He even knew when he came out he was probably bi. But he's just to make his mom mad. He was like, I'm gay, bitch.

That's such an awesome move. That's spite on just the maximum level. He's like, I'm gay enough where she won't figure out I'm lying for a while. And I feel like if you think, because here's the thing too, if you think you might like Vagina, let me just say something.

You got to find that out because, you know, that first go round might be a doozy. You might be like, actually, I think I'm more straight. That would be so awesome if his mom was such a cunt that he just sucked cock for 10 years. And then the first time he gets pussy, he's like, oh, fuck, I'm straight. I've been getting my ass fucked for nothing this whole time. Yeah.

Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, because I have friends in this situation where it's like, dude, you had that conservative parent. Yeah. And it's like everything bad that happens to you, it's because you're queer. Yeah, right, right, right, right. Like, oh, you got COVID? Well. Yeah, yeah. Stop taking it in the ass, son. Yeah, so I think a couple things here. I mean...

First of all, the feelings of not wanting to settle down because you're 24 are valid no matter what orientation you have. That's just a human... Across all experiences, if you're relatively young and you're worried... And by the way, even if this turns out to be the person you settled down with, I think these are valid concerns, right? Everybody before they... Regardless of age, but especially if you're younger...

This is a very natural thought, right? Now, not to be homophobic here, but I do feel like almost every gay couple I know opens it up a little bit.

maybe I'm being literally homophobic here. And if that's the case, forget I even said anything, but I feel like, you know, that's the one, one of the nice bonuses seems to be that, you know, at even like the most prude gay couples I know, like they'll go to a spa together and maybe jerk a guy off together. Like, you know what I mean? Like that's, and that's like a conservative, you know what I mean? Like other people are just hosting, hosting like cream pie parties in their apartment. So, um,

I also think, not again to be like, not to overgeneralize, like saying, well, all queer people are also open-minded, because that might not be the case. That's definitely not the case. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying just because your boyfriend's gay that he will understand that you have a more complicated sexuality, that it's like you're probably most, you know, you're bi or you have some, I don't know where, you're probably on the Kinsey scale where you're like mostly gay, but a little, you might want to try a little pussy. And like, I'm not going to assume that,

your partner understands that necessarily. But I do think...

You're probably, you have a better argument. Your odds of making that argument in a gay relationship to be like, hey, I might want to try hooking up with a woman are a lot easier than if you were a man in a straight relationship with a woman and saying, hey, I might want to try and suck a little dick, right? Like at least the ideas of masculinity and stuff like that aren't as like hard and fast where it's like you might have a better opportunity to at least bring this up

to this person also also you one doesn't simply try vagina it's different levels and like you might need to try a few but but on a more serious note i you know i have not had many sex successful relationships

But I do know for a fact that the thing that brings down every relationship,

is silent resentment. It's all the unspoken shit. So if you going into this and you got this desire that you feel like you can't express, it's going to turn into a resentment. And that's going to eat away at your relationship. So if you can't be open and honest about what you want, and it doesn't mean you're going to get what you want. Right, right. That's fair. That's true. And it's another thing. When people really feeling you,

You'll be surprised what they down to agree to. Right, right. They just don't lie to them. Yeah. Yeah, women will begrudgingly let you fuck other people. Okay, well, fine. Yeah, because if you're like, hey, listen, this is what it is. Right, right, right. But you got to especially don't get married if it's things like this that you can't express. That's 24. It's tough, especially for a young gay. Right.

I mean, you got so much wow shit to do. It's the funnest type of guy to be. Yeah. Like, you're kind of putting yourself in a box for no reason. To, like, lock it down? I mean, it's probably dicks you need to try. Yeah, absolutely. A hundred percent. Yeah, so... And so, I think, I guess, like, to kind of summarize everything, it's like...

I think especially since you're younger, you can actually, and you're talking about, and you even said it, you can tell, we can tell you care about this guy, right? Clearly he's not looking for a way to break up. He wants to make this work. So I think the summary of all this is like, hey, you should go up to him and be like, hey, I love you. This relationship is really important to me. Part of me really, like, there's a part of me that like wants to settle down and I want to do this thing. But there's another part of me that thinks,

I'm pretty young. I feel like I haven't had these many experiences. Is there a way we can do this within our relationship? Like, can we have like. I don't know. I think I slightly disagree here, Stom. Okay. Because right at the end. You got to do what you got to do. That line was doing a lot of work. That was saying, that line was saying a lot. Like, maybe. But see, that's why I'm saying is like, pitch the perfect scenario for you.

You know what I mean? Pitch like, hey, what I'd love is if we can... And I'm also worried about being in this like, you know, I'm worried about like down the line, like this being okay now, but me having these silent resentments that you're talking about. So is this okay? Like, how do you feel? And again, maybe we're generalizing because gay people, most of my gay friends have, and we're also, you know, most of my gay friends are big city fucking New York or LA gays, but still...

pitch, I would say pitch the relationship you want and say, hey, I want to stay with you. I want to think about the future together, but there are experiences I have to have to feel. Give him a Kindle. Make sure a copy of The Ethical Slut is already uploaded onto it.

And so pitch that and say, can we do this? Is this, how do you feel about this? And see his reaction. And look, there's a chance he might be understanding, right? And if he's really, really not understanding, then you kind of have your answer one way or the other. And maybe you should have, maybe if you, and then you have to really make the decision of what's more important in this relationship or these experiences. I tend to think that,

Completely blindly, if you told me any 24-year-old is considering getting married but is having reservations about not having had enough experiences, I would almost...

100% of the time say you're not ready to get married personally, right? Maybe that's not true in all cases, but should I say pitch it? Have these discussions. Don't let these quiet resentments fester because what do you have to lose? That you break up? Well, okay. You would break up anyway if you just let those take hold of the relationship. So try and see if you can have your cake and eat it too. If you can suck your cock and fuck pussy too. See if you can do it all, brother. But also on a larger note, getting married is dumb. Right.

People aren't doing that anymore. You don't get anything out of it. What else we got, Big Eld? How many tabs can you... Yeah, we have an insane amount of tabs open. Hey, Saf, hey, Aldi, and the guests. So, in my situation right now, my mom and dad are divorced. And my dad's been married three times now, or four. And I have an older half-sister and a younger half-sister. And in this current marriage...

He's cheating on his wife, my step-mom. And that was the reason why my parents got divorced. So he's a cool guy. I love him. Like a nice guy, fucking winter for the world. He just likes to cheat though. Yeah. So my question is, should I talk to him about it? Because he's getting older. He's like almost 60. And my step-mom's like 32. Wow. So should I talk to him and start telling him, like, yo, stop cheating? Yeah.

Or, like, what do I do? Mind your fucking business. He sounds cool. Yeah, what are you doing?

He's got a wife half his age and he's still getting side pussy? I'd kill to be that vital at his age. That virile. I can't imagine being in a relationship and having a side bitch at my age that seems fucking tiring. But also, what you're saying is completely out of line. You have absolutely no station

to approach your father about cheating on your stepmother. She didn't raise you. That's his third woman that she ain't got nothing to do with you. And listen, I understand that it's morally wrong, but it doesn't affect your life. It's not affecting your mama. So mind your fucking business. You don't get to tell your father what to do with his penis. Okay, this is interesting because I...

I see where he's coming from in that because it could affect his life. Here's how... Here's what I'm seeing. Okay. Yes, he's 60, right? He's still... Like, we're making... We're saying he's old or whatever, but, like, he's still a relatively young guy, right? Say 60-year-olds are, like, they're, you know, they're... Especially if you're in good shape, you can spend your 60s, whatever. But this guy will get old, right? Mm-hmm. And...

If he's cheated his way out of a woman that would have taken care of him in his old age, suddenly he's now our caller is at least in play as one of the people that's going to have to take care of his elderly ass cheating ass father. Or maybe he's perfected his formula. Look, it's possible. Guys like this seem to be able to survive. But I do think there is part of this that is pragmatic in that

Yeah, this guy what if he burns every bridge with like I mean this woman she's 32 married to a 60 year old clearly something's off in her head Right. She might be the kind of woman that would take care of a fuck would change this guy's diapers Or she waiting for him to does she can get that bread? It's possible We don't know how much money has my point is what okay? So so now picture it walk it walk it through logically to the logical conclusion Okay, you go you go to your father and go dad. I need I need you to stop I need you to let your side bitch go

What do you think his response is going to be? I don't know. Because it's not going to work. Yeah. All you're going to do is piss off your father, and now you're off the wheel. Right. Well, we don't know. Some of these guys don't tend to have money either. I don't know. Like, I don't know what kind of pussy getter he is. Because there are those guys who you're like, how does he keep doing it? And this could be one of those. But you're right. It could go either way. We don't have enough information. But also, what about the idea of, like,

Imagine having that conversation with your father. My father wouldn't even entertain this conversation. Yeah, well, your father wasn't around. Your father didn't entertain you as a child. But if I had this conversation with my dad...

I've tried to have conversations with my dad about the way he's fucking... Shit he's done wrong. And he doesn't get it. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall. But I get... But I like... I almost... Sometimes I really am jealous of the people who have relationships. They can have discussions. Moral and philosophical discussions with their father. I'll never be able to do that. My dad's just not gonna ever... He sees things the way they are. Eldest, you were gonna say something? I'm sorry.

I was going to say, like, this guy, he says, like, my dad cheated on my mom. I feel like he still has some... There's a little bit of that. Yeah, he can... You're not going to fix that. Yeah, resentment and anger, and that's over. Your parents are divorced. Like, so it's not... You don't have technically a right to be, like, annoyed with your dad cheating anymore. This is, like, a little different when it's your mom. That being said, I mean, the best you can do is a total noncommittal, expect no...

a progress type of conversation where it's like, you know, imagine you're, you're talking to your buddy. Who's like, you don't really care about their girlfriend or somebody like, Hey man, you should probably cool it with a cheating. Like he can maybe try to have one of those types of conversations. You know, his dad, you know, his bro, you, his son.

Mind your business. But this guy behaves like he's a bro, though. That's the thing. His dad's a pussy getter. He's not a good father. You don't have to respect bad fathers. That's the thing. It's like you can talk to them like they're bros. No, no. I'm not saying that the kid isn't taking the right moral stance. Right. But what difference will it make? The cheating is wrong, but why is it your place to correct it?

Right. No, I think, and I think, Eldish, you picked up on that where it's like, yeah, dude, if part of this, of your motivation is...

You're thinking you're going to sort of by confronting your father now, you're behaving in a way that you wish you would have when he cheated on your mom. That's out that you're never going to do. You have an easier time getting your father to respect people's pronouns. That's true. It does feel like a way of life for this man. It's too late, bro. He ruined so many families. He's not going to stop now.

And really think about what you're trying to get done from this. It's like you're being like, oh, my dad doesn't chew with his mouth closed. He's 60. Oh, should I confront him? No, just don't eat around him. But at the same time, like, the thing about, like, you don't get to be annoyed by your dad cheating is like, I don't know that that's true necessarily. He's allowed to be annoyed. He's allowed to confront his dad and just be like,

You're being a piece of shit. Like, you know, like what kind of example? Like, he can get some shit out that he's wanting to get out, but just don't expect anything to happen. That's really all I would say. Or just, or threaten him. Like, yo, if you don't man up, I'm going to fuck your wife. Yeah, start fucking his wife. This guy's dad probably fucks better than him, unfortunately. This guy, all this guy's dad has is fucking. You can tell. Yeah.

He's got nothing. His children don't really respect him. He's got half kids all over the place. He says that's a nice... He said, I love him. He's a nice guy. He's probably like a... You know what he is? He's probably like one of those charismatic guys. He's the charming motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. To cheat on your 30-year-old wife when you're 60, you got to have swag, dude. You have to be dripping sauce. So... But yeah, dude. Like...

If you feel like you want to get it out because because the other thing is when someone's charming and cool like this, it's like this guy might not have worked through his feelings because he's clearly on some level angry at his father for cheating on his mom. Right. And if he's still saying like, he's a cool guy, I love him. He might just have never worked through that. Part of him is pissed at his dad. And so that could be what he's.

But I would just say really look at your feelings, really think about what you're trying to accomplish with this conversation. You know what he's really trying to do is he's trying to please his mom. It's possible, yeah, for sure. He's heard his mom complain about the father. He's trying to be the man she wants him to be. You should confront him.

Yeah, right, right, right, right. Like, no, that's a wrap. He don't want his wife number four? Why ain't you getting married? Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, his dad's not a fucking... His dad, there's something off with his dad. Yeah, you know what you need to do? If you really need to know this, gas up one of the half-sisters to go do it for you.

Oh, but yeah, his half sister's probably like nine years old. Oh, wait a minute. He says he has an older half sister. So the mom was probably the second wife. That's true. The mom was the mom. Did your mom start as a side bitch? Your mom was the original side bitch. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I don't know if the son of the side piece gets to talk to me about my own. But there is a lot to think about here. You're not my first son. No, you're my side son. My first marriage son. You're my side son. My eldest first marriage son. That's all right. Yeah, like if I was. Don't check me. Like if this was a kingdom, you're not next up. No, no. You're not the crown prince. It's your older half sister. Yeah.

Oh man, that's so funny. So yeah, it's like, so, but so basically just to again, wrap everything up here. He's asking, should I talk to him about it? Cause he's getting older. It's like, what does that have to do with it? Like, what are you trying? Why are you trying to do that? And I, I ultimately, first I think,

You really need to think about what your motivations truly are to have this conversation. And either way, I think you can have the conversation. But just think, is this something that we'll get? Will it make you feel better? Like, really understand what are you trying to accomplish? If it's just a purely like...

If you're cool with it, if we're over-reading all this, you don't really give a fuck, and you truly just are worried that your dad is going to burn his bridges with every woman, and you want to have that conversation, you can have that too. But I would just say, don't expect a lot out of your dad. Your dad's who he fucking is, right? You're one of many children whose lives he doesn't give. He's cared about pussy more than you, your half-sister, and your other half-sister already. You know what comes after that?

He didn't sound very confident. Right. So I'm afraid you didn't get that sauce. I'm afraid you're not going to know how to have this conversation. Yeah. Because the way you got to talk to a man like this, it has to be phrased in a way...

where you almost empathize with him. Where you're almost like, "Damn, man, I'm out here, you know, I'm trying to fuck these hoes like you." - Right, right, right, right. - And then I'm just tired of it and I feel like it's gonna get to a point where I need to stop. You ever feel like you need to stop? - Right, right, right. - Like, it's gotta be like that. You can't just come at him like, "What you're doing is wrong." 'Cause it's, I'm telling you, he, 'cause at the very least, he's just gonna turn on that charm and have you walking away feeling confused. - Yeah, yeah.

That's certainly possible. So, look, man, good luck out there. Decide why you really want to do this. And then, hey, if you still want to, fuck it. Who cares? But your dad's who the fuck he is. Yeah, we love you. We do. How much time? One more? No, we're good. Yeah, just a couple more. Sorry, I just got a text.

That's another thing. Imagine how...

Imagine what his dad's fourth marriage looked like. They're on someone's front lawn in white polo. His wife's wearing a white polo. It's got to be the most bullshit fucking wedding you've ever had in your life. They're just at a public beach. They didn't even bother to reserve it. There's people playing beach. There's people playing fucking volleyball behind them and shit. He's golf buddies with the Justice of the Peace.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry, I forgot that riff because I got a text. This guy and his older marriage reminded me. Go ahead, Eld. And thought that everybody would be cool with the decision. When we were at my wife's parents' house for the holiday, her mom kind of made a...

weird comments about why we didn't have a wedding and kind of alluded to maybe we didn't do it because I didn't have the money to pay for the wedding. That's not the case. We just, we're pretty low key and we don't like being the center of attention. And, you know, we've been together for five years, so it didn't seem like something we wanted to do.

My wife's parents are immigrants from Vietnam. They came over during the war years and come to find out that my wife's mom was always a little disappointed that she didn't get a big wedding after they moved to the States. So even though my wife is against it, my question is, you know, should we, should I push my wife to consider having some kind of a party or a wedding, not

for us, but for their mom. And I should say, I love my in-laws. My parents have passed away. So I know that you get to a point where you always look back and wish you could have spoiled your parents a little bit more. And I'm just wondering if this is one of those cases or if we should just kind of stick to our guns and

Interesting, interesting. This is interesting because, like, before knowing that he has a good relationship with his in-laws, I would have assumed, like... Because I know what immigrant fucking parent-in-law, like...

in-laws can be like, and they are sometimes they're really cunty and they're really shitty. And like, and especially that immigrants love the money comment of like, well, if Mike, if my, if my kid isn't going to marry within our community, it better be a richer per, you know what I mean? It's always that kind of vibe, but that doesn't necessarily sound like what's going on here. And so it's kind of cute that he's like worried about his mother-in-law. Um, but at the same time, you can't worry about her more than your wife.

Like that's really what it comes down to. Like what does she want to do? I have a tough time with these kind of questions because like

always with this kind of advice, because I'm great at giving advice, but when it comes to this kind of thing, like parental pressure, I just don't have that. Right. Like, my parents were around, but they didn't raise me completely. You know, so I've never felt that. You don't have the traditional relationship to that. No. Like, both of my parents know, don't fucking try to tell me what to do. Right.

Yeah, I mean, you got a pretty strong case for that. I damn sure am not gonna give a fuck what my wife's, especially if my wife don't care what she want. Right, right, right. No, you know what we're gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go put, I'm gonna take this wedding money, I'm gonna put a down payment on a nice crib and then when she come over and go, wow, this is a nice crib, I'm gonna go, yeah, instead of having a wedding, this is what we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did something smart with our money. Yeah. Getting married was already the dumb thing. Yeah.

Yeah, we're hitting a lot of your personal issues right now with anti-wedding, the parent shit. I feel like if you're going to get married, which is, I don't see the point, but if you're going to do that, but why also start off...

$30,000, $40,000 in debt. Yeah. No, I mean, I totally get that. For a party, for one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel you on that philosophically. And it seems like this caller does as well, right? Like, they didn't want to do it. And so I guess my question to you is, like, to the caller is, like,

you know, it's sweet of you to want to do that for your mother-in-law, right? But, like, I would say don't push your wife to do it if she doesn't want to do it. Like,

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a conversation with her. You could just broach the subject and be like, hey, your mom seemed pretty whatever. And by the way, you still don't have to have a crazy party. But I think the perfect middle ground for a wedding is like,

I like when people do something, maybe something small, private, and meaningful, and then kind of a bigger general party vibe. Like, I like when people do that, when people basically have, like, essentially a cookout or something. But I have the feeling that the wife is over the mom show. Yeah, I think that's a very real possibility. For her to know her mom wants the big wedding and for her to insist that they sneak off and, like, basically elope...

Right. That is, that's her answer. That's not a mistake. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fuck you, mom. I'm tired of you with your demands and your bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to live vicariously through me. Yeah, I don't, okay, you fled Ho Chi Minh and didn't get a fucking wedding. Doesn't mean I gotta have a big ass wedding to make up for it, you know? Or, or, just to be spiteful. Well, he says he likes them, so.

Yeah, he does. Yeah. Because if she said some shit like, oh, you probably did it because you didn't have money. That would have pissed me off. Yeah, because then I would have had a wedding at a Denny's. Everybody's at a Denny's. So yeah, dude, I guess, yeah, it just comes down to

Look, if you want to have the conversation with your wife, have the conversation. But if she's really against it or like just dismisses it outright, you know, forget it. And then it's like there's other way. There's other shit you could probably make up, you know, the shit you can do. But if you don't if you both felt like that was what you want to do for your wedding, forget it.

And also don't let your feelings of how you – things you wish you could have done for your parents get in the way of your wife's relationship with her parents. Don't project – it sounds like you're kind of in danger of maybe projecting – you talked about wishing you had spoiled your parents a little more. That's not going to –

that's not really going to, you know, if your wife is against it, you're not accomplishing anything. It's like, it might be even a little selfish and could create some problems between you and your wife. But if you want to broach the subject, cause you're a sweet guy and you like your in-laws, you can casually mention it. But if your wife shuts it down immediately, take her, just be like, all right, fuck it. You can give it, you can take a flyer on it, but don't make it a huge point of discussion is my opinion. Hmm.

Yeah, you want the mother to like you too much, you fucking pussy. That's part of it. That's my take, buddy. So anyway, good luck out there. Let's do one more, Eldis. Stop. Long time, first time. I got a bit of a dilemma here. So I'm a junior in college. I transferred after my freshman year. And during that freshman year, I worked at a bar. I was getting...

Top-notch ass. I mean, I was sleeping with a different unfathomably gorgeous woman like every two three we could probably fathom But I transferred schools. So, you know go to school a little more that was after freshman year and Basically since then it's been a year and a half. I haven't seen a crumb of ass

The dry spell has been incomprehensible. I'm probably to blame for some of it, but... For some of it? You know, here's my question. So I got this girl who's been pretty clearly into me for, call it a half year now. But she is ugly. I mean, small town three.

That's tough. So do I... Hold on. Can we pause for a second? I mean, do I... Like, I've never heard someone sincerely described as a three. Like, do you... Three's tough. Small town three, too. With the modifier. What does that even mean? I think our caller here suffers from a little hyperbole problem. I bet the pussy he was getting was not unfathomable.

I bet this girl isn't like, what is she like, you know, like a puddle. Like how like a melted looking bitch. Like there's no way a small, she's not a small town three. She's probably a four and a half, five. This girl is unsymmetrical, he says. So what do we, how bad could she, anyway, whatever. Okay, yeah, sorry. Yeah, let's see what this guy, but you're right. That is, that's a tough one. Keep going, Elders.

Is she a people pleaser? Can you?

So do better than her. You know, people call girls claps. This girl is a standing ovation. I don't know what that means. But I'm just trying to get my dick sucked. Use your help here, stuff.

Okay. A couple things. He's saying people call him claps. This is a symptom of white kids stealing black slang too fast because of TikTok. Because it used to take a while before black people made up some cool shit and then they made it around to the world. Now it's instant. It is instant. It's crazy. And the slang is being misused and mishandled. What is he getting? I think he's calling a claps, some people would say slam pig, but just an ugly girl. Clap like. Right.

Right, right. Oh, a slap is a slam pig. No, no, no. A slam pig is just an ugly girl. Yeah, I know what a slam pig is. I think a clap is just a girl that's just ugly, like somebody clapped her in the face. I see, I see. Oh, I see, I see. I've never heard that one. Look at that. Yeah, well, this is... Me neither. Not in that context. But this girl, this guy...

Yeah, I mean, this kid's vibe, your vibes are fucked, bro. You sound horrible. You sound so annoying. And like, you have the vibes of somebody who, like, you feel like you're trying to be like a fucking cool pussy getter, but you yourself have said you haven't gotten ahead in a year and a half. You say it's incomprehensible. I'm comprehending it.

I'm comprehending off of your personality to this voicemail. You worked at the bar when you were getting so much ass, which means you were dealing with drunk girls and you were the source of alcohol. And you attributed all the ass you was getting to just yourself. Right place, right time, brother. Now you working at Panera Bread.

Yeah, did he transfer, he said, Elders? Yeah, he transferred. He transferred to a different school, yeah. So, yeah, you were... Yeah, exactly. This should tell you... This actually is... This is a scientific experiment of how...

how good you are getting pussy and it's clear you're bad at it you're saying she's a three and that you could do better then do better then don't fuck her and go fuck somebody else but until then understand that this is who's attracted to you this is who you can fuck that's the league you're in brother and for you to say you're a people pleaser

This also sounds like a guy who kind of might like an ugly woman. Like, he might, like... He's like, oh, I'm afraid I might get attached. What do you mean? Like, what... Right. Who are you? You're trying to present as this fucking pussy getter, like, macho fucking, like, you know, almost like a...

You know, like a kind of like a fucking... You try to be like a bro, like fratty, like, you know, this kind of... Honestly, like a little bit of what we were talking about, like the Andrew Tate disciple type. But you sound...

Like a very insecure man who might potentially like an ugly woman who's afraid he might be in a relationship with someone who's... There's no way this girl's that ugly. Like, how ugly is this woman? The way he's describing her is like she's kept in a cage and like fed raw sardines. Well, so you want to fuck her? Look, look, look. Just don't play with her heart, though. Like, if you're just trying to clap cheeks...

Don't be rude to her either. Let her have a good time. Be honest. Be open with it. Be like, look, you can be like, I'm not looking for anything serious, but if you want to grab a drink and hook up, let's do it and just be up front. But you also have to like, don't think you're above her, bro. That's what's really bothering me, I think, here, is that you're putting yourself on a pedestal above this woman and you're kind of like,

This feels a little like you want to fuck her, but you're afraid what other people will think. Right. This is a little boy ass thinking. This is like some like you have to free yourself of this. You look, you fuck some hot women when you worked at the bar. Congratulations. Right. That's clearly not who you are. And if it's very important to you to be a guy who fucks a lot of hot women, then like, all right, I think that's weird. But like, if that's what you want to be, like your main like calling card in life, then

I mean, I get it. You're young. You're a dumbass. Like, you think that's the most important thing. It's not, but whatever. Then just, like, do it. Leave this girl alone or be open. Be upfront with her. Treat her nicely. Don't feel like you're giving her... You're not doing her a favor. She...

She, you could argue she's doing you the favor. Yeah. You're the one who, I bet you this girl go get dicked down, you know. Yeah, because I really like, what the, I need a picture of this woman. No, no, no, no, stop. You on to something. And I'm going to tell you why. I cracked the case. The hell yeah. You,

Sir, you're not being honest with yourself about a lot of things. Yes. You're a fraud. And look, he's a 20-year-old, right? Everyone is like that. And the faster you nip this personality flaw in the bud, the better off you'll be. Yeah. I know you're not this pussy-getting motherfucker you're trying to present yourself as because...

Every pussy getting motherfucker I know, every dude I know that fucks a lot of hot chicks, they also fuck ugly chicks. Yes, you're so right again. They don't have no problem taking down a troll cake. You're so right, dude. The fact that you'll be like, oh, this ugly one bitch.

She should have already been a notch on your belt if you really just pussy get her. That's so true. I feel like this feels like the end of a Columbo episode. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like, that's, yeah. If you really liked getting pussy, you would have fucked her, brother. You would have fucked her a long time ago. Oh, there's some tough ones. Oh, yeah. There are some tough ones on the resume. Damn it. Yeah, because you got to keep the mojo going. Yeah, absolutely. Because women can smell it on you. They can tell when you're getting laid. Right. You know what I mean?

Right. And it's true. So it sounds like, yes, that's so true. And it sounds like you do want to sleep with her. And it sounds like you're letting what other people might think of you get in the way of that. So start freeing yourself of that. If you want to do this, do this. But like I said, treat this woman nicely. Be kind to her. Be open. And just be like, yeah, you can pitch just hooking up and talking.

and then here's the thing he says he's a people pleaser he's afraid he might get like attached what so you got attached like that's those are feelings like if that's what you happen then date her for a little bit but like

You just are a little insecure. And look, this is the age to be insecure, right? Like early 20s, out of college, you really care about what other people think of you. And this ugly girl is going to fuck you so much better than those hot girls. That's a good point. Freshmen hot girls? No, they're not. This ugly girl is going to put it on you, boy. She's been in them damn band camps already experimenting. She's going to lick your butt. Oh, my God. Cook you some meals. She was tossing salads at anime club in high school. Hell yeah, hell yeah.

She was licking a man's nipples while he had a fucking, a full Goku orange gi on. She knows exactly where your prostate is.

This girl's going to blow your mind. So there you go. I think we gave him some excellent advice. That's going to do it for us this week, guys. Thanks, Brian. Thanks for being here, brother. Watch Brian's special. Subscribe. Leave us a nice five-star review on iTunes. We're taking a little break from the road, but we got the podcast going. We got the YouTube channel, and we'll talk to you guys next week. Bye-bye.