#68 - Kyle Kinane
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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. What an episode we have for you guys today. I'm fresh, fresh from the gym, doing my little PT for my shoulder, getting ready to get ripped. And unfortunately, I didn't have a delicious factor meal because I already ate them.

all. That's right, folks. We're happy to announce that Factor is a sponsor here at Stavi's World. Some delicious, never frozen, already cooked for you. All you got to do is heat them up and eat them meals. Head to factormeals.com slash stavi50 and use code stavi50 to get 50% off. That's code stavi50 at factormeals.com slash stavi50 to get 50% off. And folks, our guest today, he's a delicious meal all himself.

the wonderful Kyle Kinane. Well, I just want to eat him up with his new look. I love the mustache. Yeah, man. You were a classic long beard, shaved completely guy, and I like seeing that you're kind of coming over to this side. Let's do it, dude. Yeah, you're coming over to this side. I love it, dude. Normalized male pattern baldness. Normalized male pattern baldness. I think it's coming back. I think, honestly, my goal for my life has always been to look

To succeed despite every obstacle God has thrown at me. And I like looking as dumb as possible. And so I feel like I'm on the forefront of just letting it go out. And I think the next move is going to be, I'm going to be bald until, I'm going to just get this going until 60, 70. And that's when I get hair plugs. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But like, I think we should, we should get old men with incredible plugs, but young men, middle-aged men with just let it go natural. But that's like the, I think that's the balliest move. It's like, yeah, it's fake. It's fake. What about it? I think I'm going to go wigs in a little bit too. I bet. My girlfriend's trying to be pushing me like, why? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

I think it was like Jason Alexander was on some show. He had a toupee. He's like, yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. He just was owning it. Yeah, I just never had hair. I wanted some hair. I wanted to feel hair. It was awesome when he did it, though, because he was like the most documented bald man of the 90s. Him and Ben Franklin, the most famous bald dude.

And then he just popped up with hair, but shout out to him. Obviously, that's the blueprint in another way, of course, Costanza. But yeah, dude, nice to see you, but also just nice. I love the new look, dude.

Yeah, I got to flip it once in a while. I love when you look. Well, it sounds like whenever people are like, oh, this is how somebody looks and this is what we expect from them, I'm like, oh, that's when I got to do something different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, and it's great. The internet's great to let you know that your face is terrible. Absolutely. And it looks bad. Like, cool, man, cool. Oh, yeah. I'm glad. Thanks for taking time out of your day. Oh, yeah, we got at least, I would say 40% of our comments on all our episodes and videos are people tracking how much fatter I am in every episode. Yeah.

We get a constant deluge of those. And I don't usually... It's so much that I don't read the comments, but every once in a while I'll just be like, oh, how's this episode doing? And just immediately the first comment's always like, he's getting fat as shit. God damn. When are they taking his feet off? Dude.

Do you ever think you're responsible for it? Because you're a comedian. Like, I'm busting your balls. I'm like, man, I don't know you. Yeah, we don't know each other. But then, like, well, you're public figures, so I guess this is...

Hey, listen, my life's pretty fucking sweet. If some also fat guy wants to momentarily feel better because I'm fatter than him and he forgets every other thing that I'm also more of than him, that's fine with me. I don't think that's part of the service we provide here at Stabby's World. You're some guy who just started exercising. You think like... It is funny because when someone starts a new thing, they're always so hardcore. And there are people that are like...

gym guys they're like it's disgusting when you're fat you're you know you're like it's like it's like uh fuck those guys a hundred percent a hundred percent but it's like you know what man you want to get those comments out for the three weeks you stay on your diet great enjoy it i'll be here for you i'll be fat i'll be you know i'll i'll fluctuate i'll be your sin eater absolutely your sins i'm i'm fat jesus i'm getting fat for all of you so you can take me down in the

public eye. Who better than a fat sin eater? That's how you know he's hungry for them. Throw them over this way. Oh yeah, brother. I love it. I'm excited about the... I'm from outside Chicago, so this is... I'm at home right now. We got a lot of Greek diners in Chicago. Every main... Every like...

big city always has a nice Greek diner, Greek restaurant culture. My favorite new joke that bombs is like I bought a house and it has asbestos and I'm like not a Greek roommate and then nobody knows why I'm... Asbestos, what are you doing? Hey, asbestos, clean the dishes, man. You're right, it sounds good. I thought it was fun.

Affiliate worked a little bit, Chicago a little bit. Everyone's like, what does he mean? Yeah. You need a heavy Greek presence to get that for sure. Nice dude. Butterhouse, are you, is it the, cause you also have a, we should say, special out right now, Dirt Nap. Yeah, man. Very funny. Uh,

You mentioned you're in the Burbs. Is that the house you're talking about with asbestos? No, this one's in Portland. Okay, nice. But it's pretty quiet. That's alright, man. You're 47. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know where the good time is tonight? The porch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, man. It's just quiet. Oh, I get it. I don't need to be hanging out. If I'm not doing a spot, I don't need to be like,

In the mix. What am I doing? I'm in a relationship. I'm old. Totally. Chilling at the house. Absolutely, yeah. So, but you did, you went from, because in the, was it like the pandemic? You were like out of LA and into the like Portland Burbs? Yeah, we moved out there. We had like a chance to move up there and then we're kicking it there for three years. And I was like, I,

We got an apartment in L.A. too, so I'm still in the mix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm distracted by the thickness of this statue, by the way. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's been commented on a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but it's awesome. But that's cake back there. Absolutely, yeah. The people don't see the back. The back's really nice. All I'm looking at is the back.

And by the way, they make that. That's not a special order. You can just get that off the Home Depot website, bro. So if you need your home in Portland to be greeted by two fat Davids, I think that's not a problem at all. I think...

You know, without the front, I couldn't tell it was David. Yeah, yeah, Fat David. We're so used to just peeping them Jennys. You don't see it from the south side. I love it, dude. Thick Dave. I like it. He's a piece of ass for sure. I got to be honest, man. I've often talked shit about crowd work comics. Yeah.

Everybody. No, I want to come clean. I got to come clean. I know what I've said in the world. No worries, dude. But you should know that me and everybody, including whenever the topic comes up, it's always like, damn, but Stavros is funny. But everybody's pissed at you because you made it look easy. I know, I know. So you've hurt a bunch.

But everybody's like, fucking, he's putting out shit, making it look like that's all you got to do. I get it. Like, it's comfortable and it's easy. And it's like, no, it's a skill. Fully. And so... No, no, dude, I completely get that. Like, I think about it sometimes. It's like...

I don't know. It almost feels like I'm America and I'm telling like China can't... I'm like, hey, you guys need to cut back your fuel consumption. I'm going to use all the gas and natural oil possible, but the third world doesn't get to. Do as I say, not as I do. Yeah, exactly. All right? You won't understand this until you're older. I really do feel like... Only mommy can touch hot pots with her bare hands. Which side isn't going to burn? I do think there was something that happened because like...

people were doing, you know, people were doing well. People were kind of going viral off crowd work. And then it was like, I was, most people just thought I was the second guy from come town. And they're like, well, this fat idiot can do it. I can do it. And so it was like, I do feel like there was even like my personal friends, which kind of hurt my feelings. Yeah. They were, they would see shit go viral. They'd be like, dude, what,

what's going on? How do I do this? And they would post like three clips and they'd be like, oh, this actually, this sucks and it's hard work to do every day. But, you know. Do you think I'm not, I know I'm somewhat responsible for every like,

middle-aged bearded dead end graphic designer going like, Oh, I'm sad. And I fell asleep on my pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's still craft to it. There was, I'm talking about how shit's not going well. There's still some eloquence in there. I do there. Definitely. When I first got here 10 years ago, there was a lot of Canaan karaoke going around. There was a lot of fucking, a lot of horrible versions of you with no punchlines. Yeah.

Being like... And, like, pretending to have a growlier voice than they did. And, like, drinking IPAs on stage. Oh, man. Well, they missed it, man. They had to pay attention to the DJs. Cheap beer, dude. Yeah. He fucked that one up, guys. Yeah, so that's why... Nah, dude. I saw, like... And I'll watch...

because like the scourge of it, it's like, you know it's improv where one person just doesn't know. That's why it's like, remember how everybody hates improv and we love crowd work? It's the same thing, but the other person just isn't good at the improv part. I know, it's bad. Or sometimes neither of them

are. Most of the time, neither of them are. But that's what I want to say. I know I've talked my shit about the idea of crowd work, but it always comes away, but Stabby's good at it. It's kind of the problem. I appreciate it. No, I do feel like I do. Because you seem genuinely curious about the person. I like having a good... I don't like the...

Like, there's a lot of crowd work that's like, the guy knows what he's going to say. It's subway magic. He's just setting you up. It's three-card Monty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're delighted because then you're on the subway going, I can't believe I lost $20. But it's like the opposite of joke grenades where it's like on the way home it gets less funny. You're like, oh, that's how he did it. Yeah. You see it. You see it for sure. And meanwhile, I just like to, you know, I am genuinely curious about a lot of shit. And also, it was a mistake. Like, I don't.

I was also someone who talked shit about crowd work. And then I was like, I'm putting out a special. I have no YouTube presence. Maybe these bullshit crowd work clips are working. And they did. And I was like, all right, I guess I'm burning material. I love this joke, but now it's an Instagram reel and it can't live anywhere else ever again. Because somebody on Reddit is going to call me a hack for repeating my own material six months later.

It's great. Comedy's in a great place right now. It is. It's no way that it's bloated and going to implode on itself in a few years. Oh, dude. This is... It's the fucking... It's the 1920s. I feel like I'm dancing with a flapper, smoking a cigar, and the fucking Great Depression's right around the corner. I go the other way.

I go, it's 1989, I'm on the Sunset Strip. Yeah. And Faster Pussycat thinks they're going to be the next Guns N' Roses. Yeah, right. And Nirvana's not tuning their guitars down the street. Yeah.

Yeah, either way, we're on the precipice. But let's, you know, folks, let's hope the bubble doesn't burst till 2025 where I will be doing a big theater tour. I'm taking this year off, but please God let it go until 2026 so I make a ton of money in those theaters. Are you full year off? Full year off, man. Full year from a serious tour. Like I...

the last couple of years were just like too much. And I did get, I mean, to our, our, our eagle eyed YouTube commenters, I have gotten too fat even for myself where it's not even like a, and I've talked about it before. It's not like a looks thing. It's just like, I'm starting to feel like unhealthy where it's like, so I'm doing a full sober year. I'm doing a full, um, I'm doing, yeah, nice. Yeah. I'm doing a full sober, my 35th year of life going to go sober. Um,

and just kind of like... I'm interested in the Burbs life because I got a place in Baltimore. Yeah. And I think I'm going to... I feel the exact same way where it's like, you know, it's not like Baltimore's the Burbs, but I'm in a nice little neighborhood. I got a backyard, and I feel like it's a lot different than living in a fucking three-bedroom where two of the bedrooms are your podcast studio. You know what I mean? So I'm taking a little time to just kind of zone out. And also, I feel like the material...

I don't think it's sustainable this, like, every 16 months and you hours. Just not... I can't... I know I'm not good enough at comedy to do that. And I don't have enough life experience to do that shit. So it's like, I want to just actually live. That's the part of, like, if you... Somebody pointed out, like, okay, so new comics are talking about how everything sucks and a job sucks because that's your life experience. You're in a dead-end job and you're starting stand-up out of... Born out of, like...

Desperation or like, I'll throw anything at the wall just to feel somewhat happy momentarily. And then the comics that start working are like, oh, all their jokes are about airports and hotels because now you're finally on the road and your life is just that. Or it's staying out too late. Exactly. Man, I was in Birmingham and this crazy thing happened. I was in Chattanooga and I met a crazy guy. Because you're staying out and everybody, that's your, your job is to be out Friday night, but that's everybody else's. And they're going to show you the craziest time. So that dictates part of your career. Yeah.

And then you build a following based on all these crazy stories. Right, right, right. And now if you try to pivot away from it, people are like, man, you're just not, like, living anymore. It's like, nah, I just grew up. Yeah, yeah. And that's okay. Totally. If I'm a good enough comedian, I can start...

telling stories about... Just the shit that happens to me. Absolute mundane bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I replace the thermostat in a stove and I feel like a king and I'll figure it out. I'll figure out how to make it relatable. It's not there yet, but I don't want to have just an hour-long set of like, oh, man, it was 4 a.m., somebody had ketamine, but we also were on city bikes and we're like, man, the river's not that cold. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want that. That's like, that doesn't, I mean, shit like that still happens. It still happens. I'm more ashamed of it. I'm looking ashamed now. Now I'm almost 50. No, I'm with you where it's like, yeah, and I just want to like, you know, I don't even, it also is nice to just not have a plan and to just be like, you know what? I'm just going to be a fucking human because I don't like, and it's like, you know, you start,

Whatever. We don't like to do too much comedy talk. Yeah. But it's like... But you start... You start... You start comedy because you don't want a job. And then when it becomes your job, you're like, oh, this sucks. I just have to hit certain benchmarks like I'm a fucking salesman. Like I have to... Oh, I better come up with...

15 minutes before Q4 or else I'm not going to be able to get a Netflix special. It's like, I'd rather just take a little bit of time and be just a fucking bro and just fucking chill out and, you know, deal with my ridiculous, you know, my family and all this bullshit. If you care about it, you're always going to be like, oh, but I didn't write new stuff. But like also, you realize like how blessed...

any of us are. You know what? I'm going to not do anything for six months. Absolutely. Including not worry about how am I built. Yeah. Nowadays, I'll try to do comedy in front of 28-year-olds that are just like, well, I'm

$400,000 in debt. The middle class is collapsing. We're embroiled in five wars. Yeah, and to try and even speak about how you're in the middle class, it's like a let them eat cake situation. Totally. I try to do jokes about buying a house, and I'm like, I'm 47. Some people are grandparents at this age. All I did was the one adult thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And somebody's like, you own property. I'm like, what the fuck? Well, I thought we hated landlords. I'm trying to relate. Yeah.

It's a shit house. I'm like, the house sucks. Don't worry. It's got asbestos. It's got rats. Yeah.

I'm going to burn it down. You guys want to live in there squatting it. I don't care. Like I'm trying to win over 24 year olds in Portland. No, you're not. You don't have any life experience either. You trust fund kids throwing garbage cans through Starbucks. Like, no, I mean, I know. Yeah. It's definitely like, you don't also want to be the rich, like talking about rich shit where it's like, that's completely unrelatable. And it's like, I also think there's enough, you know,

Everyone has their own dog shit problems where it's like, I do not have it figured out. Yeah, I have money, but the rest of my life has completely gone to shit. I'm just completely... It'll be fun to try and piece it together a little bit and then whatever comes out of it comes out of it. Yeah, I lived an orphan's life for 20 years to get to this point. Eating found burritos and shit. So you know what? Yeah, I'm going to be all right with some fineries. Yeah.

It's nice. A room that I have for sitting. You know, it's okay to have that. A sitting room. You can have that in Baltimore. Yeah. What's the plan for the spot? Let's talk about that. Let's get HGTV up in this place. Well, you know, just got the grill set up. We got a little garage. I'm going to turn into like an office gym situation. Okay, home gym. Home gym. Got to get shredded out there. Solo flex, loose weights. Loose weights, free weights. Free weights. I work out a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you using loose weights? Yeah.

You just got some big rocks you took from the park that you looked up? Yeah. That's a Greek-themed thing. Big rock, yep. Build my own Acropolis. I'm going to build my own Acropolis on the top. Dude, I really do. Got a Lego Parthenon room. It is funny, the older, I don't know if you feel this way, but the older I get, the more I'm like...

Ah, dude, I want to return. Like, my genes are screaming. Like, my... They're screaming for, like... Yeah, the fat jokes are lining up right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. G-E-N-E-S. You fucking piece of shit. My genes... Quiet down, Elders. I am.

I don't ever want to make a joke, but the jokes are just out there. It was a meatball over the plate. I just want to point out. But they're screaming for like trashy Greek decor where I like, I want like this. It's not far off from a painting I actually want to purchase of like the Greek, like every old Greek guy has like

you know, a beach, a grease beach scene that's like kind of tacky artwork on their wall. I would literally want that in my bedroom. I want marble columns. Like I don't, I don't know. Fountain?

I would love a fountain. I don't have the space for it. I mean, that's the thing. It's like the kids I grew up with. There's always space. Yeah, you're right. I mean, you go you go a little further down this neighborhood. You'll find some cramped marble fountain. Yeah, I've had to walk around. I've had to shimmy around fountains to get out of somebody. Absolutely. But yeah, there is. I do feel the like getting older and the like the desire, not the desire, but the like almost inevitability of sort of.

returning to where you came from or getting closer. Like, I feel like your youth is for like exploring and then you hit a point where you're like,

Gravity just pulls you back to where you came from. And you're never going to be exactly like where you were from or your parents or whatever. But you're going to get closer than you were at your wildest. You know what I mean? I don't know if you're... I mean, when listening to the special, it kind of felt a little bit like that. Where it seemed like, you know, you're talking about moving to the burbs. Like, you know, being out of the day-to-day rat race. You know, relating to your parents. Trying to relate to your parents a little more. Like that shit. I don't know if you're feeling that way at all. Well, we've been children...

Yeah. For much longer than I think any generation's been allowed to be. For sure. Yes, absolutely. We've been absolute just 12-year-olds. Yeah. Still to this point now. And by the way, I think it's going to change. Like, I think this is one of the weirdest...

I think that's going to change. I think kids younger than us are more responsible than us. The fact that people like binge drinking isn't a thing. Like kids, like I know more people, like you still do comedy. I'm still hanging out with people who are 23. They're like, nah, I'm sober. I'm like, so you never partied? Like, no, I did it. Yeah, when they were like 16. Oh, is it because I'm 20 years old? You're like, who wants shots? Like, oh yeah, this is pathetic. Oh, really pathetic. Like I'm already in a bar instead of at home with a family. Yeah, yeah.

hangout deal so where are we going afterwards nowhere nobody has money and we don't drink because you look silly I'm like

oh, maybe there's some lessons to learn or just acknowledge that that's shit. Yeah, they're just going to be like, nope, life's going to be real hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I need to have my head on straight to handle it. Yeah. Like, oh, fuck. Yeah, dude, I wonder if like, I'm curious to see what these Gen Z motherfuckers, if they like start getting married at like 25 or if like, because it's like we grew up where when we were born, the world seemed like there were endless possibilities and then it was like,

Oh, no. It was like, it kind of happened after. Like, I just feel like the 9-11 to this entire time frame is just like, oh, yeah. There's no progress. There's no nothing. But we at least had that idea. And I think we were mourning that as a generation. And then it was like, oh, these kids just never thought anything good was possible. Like, do they have the mindset of like a medieval peasant that's like, well, I'm religious. I need a wife. Yeah.

I need to, you know what I mean? But people are just being Catholic again. I know, that's weird. That's bizarre. And it's one thing to be religious or spiritual or whatever and seek meaning, but Catholic? Good job. Catholic's brutal. Good job on this new punk rock because I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with these kids? You did it. I do think it's the job of like,

Not the job, but like, I shouldn't understand what you're doing if you're 17. That's true. Like, I shouldn't get it. Which is... And you nailed it with the Catholic thing. That is true. That's a good point. You nailed it with that. That's actually a really good point, because if they just got like even more trans, I'd be like, oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. But like, I'd be like, all right, cool. The thing I understand is progress. But if they're like... Unionized kid fuckers. They're like playing Gregorian chants and like fucking... Like, I'm like, oh, I don't get this. There's people that harbor pedophiles. Like, oh, that's the one? Of all of them? Yeah.

Like, at least be the snake handlers. That shit was wild. The thing is, now, I'm not... This is not defense of the Catholic Church. Everyone else also probably molested. I just feel like almost every other religion also sucks a little child dick. But just the PR, the Catholic leadership, it was more grassroots, I would say, for other religions, whereas the Catholic Church...

From the very top, they're doing the, like, mixing and matching. Well, from the very top, like, well, if you're gay, you're going to hell. What's the best way to hide being gay? Be a priest. So, no, you're not supposed to fuck. Also, here's access to boys. Like, it was dialed in for molestation. Yeah, absolutely. And, like, just... I bet you they're having weird sex parties, just...

Just, you know, like didn't the other Pope, the German guy who quit, didn't he have like a man servant who was just some piece of ass that followed him everywhere? I think I kind of remember. I think he was just on some, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. So I'm guessing you didn't grow up religious at all? Were your parents religious? No, I mean like CCD and stuff, so Catholic Sunday School and stuff. I mean, nothing happened to me, but it was, well, there was like the one priest who,

One priest is like, oh, he's sick. And then somebody's like, oh, he's got AIDS. Like, what priest with AIDS? Whoa. But this is all like, the church is just a rumor mill. So who knows what's what? Like, oh, if anybody likes a good piece of gossip, that's the fucking Bible is a book of just...

Then we heard this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, let's retell it. Let's misinterpret it in a different language and keep this gossip going for thousands of years. It is a big game of telephone. Yeah. And I do like how everybody's gospel, it's like in each one, the guy who wrote it is actually a little cooler than in all the other ones. Yeah, yeah. And in the book of Matthew, his dick was all...

He had a huge dick, and Mayor Magdalene actually begged to suck him off, but he said, no, you're Jesus' slam piece, or something. I don't really remember. It's been a while since I've read that particular book of the gospel. Rory Sculls got a good joke about, like, Peter's letter to the... He's like, you think that town's like, why is Peter just here every week with these fucking letters? We're not writing them back. Yeah, I guess, to be fair, the most I remember about, like,

about God is from The Last Temptation of Christ, both the book and the Martin Scorsese movie where it's pretty clear he gets pussy from Mary Magdalene. And in my head, I was like, oh yeah, that's just a fact in the Bible and no one, no actually religious person thinks that, but come on. Come on, he's not going to get a little fucking head from her. I,

I think that makes him cooler. Virgin birth, dog. Virgin birth. Cover it up. Absolutely. Yeah, my education came from bad religion lyrics, which were just as obtuse as the Bible itself. Like, oh, he's singing so fast. There's so many consonants. His words are big. All right. I don't know. This really isn't that fun. I'm just trying to hang out and drink beers in a parking lot. Of course. With my friends.

So you're... And you grew up in just in the Chicago burbs, you said, right? Where it was like... And they didn't make you like... So they made you go to Catholic school? Like your parents were just on some classic... It was that like... On some classic like, this is just what you do. Yeah, you didn't have a kid that wasn't... Like they didn't... They went to church when they were little and it's like, no, you have to. Same, yeah, yeah. As I say, not as I do. Why are you guys going to church? We already went. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We already did our time. Now you got to go through it. It was just like you...

Which I'm not going to argue with anybody trying to, like, direct their kid. Like, this is, like, math, science, this shit. But here's an idea of this other aspect that's not necessarily in the book's education. But there's a part of life where, like, a moral compass and things like that. I think there's other religions or, you know...

camps that can teach that without also you burn in hell if you touch yourself but if you do go in this little room and kill that guy like like every all of it looks like a cult to me yeah for sure like all of it is like looking back and it's not it's not edgy to be like

I know. No, it's edgy to say, like, I'm a Catholic. Yeah. It has flipped in a certain way. Yeah, you've got me. Yeah. But right on. That's what you're supposed to be doing. Yeah, Greek Sunday school was so funny because it was just like the Greek Orthodoxy. And we're the most chill religion with Orthodox in the name for sure. Yeah. Because it's like no one really gave a fuck. Our, like, Sunday school teachers were just like...

Like, we literally... One of my Sunday school teachers was just, like, a guy who had, like, been to jail and said God saved his life. And then he was, like... And his son was telling us, like, almost like...

Holy Grail conspiracy theories about how, like, the Virgin... Like, this was, like, a kid in ninth grade who clearly had heard this from his dad, who was like, yeah, you think the... He was like, the Virgin Mary had other kids. He was like, you think they... He literally said the phrase, you think they just sewed her back up? And she was a virgin again? And he was like, are you talking about the Virgin Mary's pussy, dude? And then the guy...

This is like, and then the kid, this is what the kid is arguing with our actual Sunday school teacher. And the guy's like, the guy had no idea what the fuck to say to that. And he was like, and my, this kid who had heard from his father who was in jail, who I guess God spoke to him about these things. And that was like the level of like, and yeah, he had some theory where it was like, well, yeah, as soon as the Virgin Mary's pussy was busted wide open, then it was, then it was open season for Joseph. It's just God got down.

dibs on her pussy. And as soon as, and then, so he was talking about how like Jesus had half siblings and he was just doing like this crazy, like weird. That's what the kid was saying? That's what the kid is saying. Sunday school already? That was the fun, that's the only one I remember because that was the only fun like Sunday school thing I had. Because they were not prepared for any blowbacks. Sunday school teachers were not prepared for any line of questioning from like a third grader that's like, well, why would God make hell? Yeah.

Yeah. She loves all of us. It's complicated. I know. They have no recourse of any kind of question that like actually like taps at the logic of any of it. Totally. And you're dealing with kids that are just curious and have like, well, you just said this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that would mean this. And like,

it crumbles early unless, to me, like, it felt like it's gonna, this all crumbles unless you're fearful. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And that's where I'm like, fuck all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your whole thing's based on fear. Yep. And like, why are you questioning? And authority and all that. Yeah, the classic shit. Yeah, and so that's why I was like, I gotta get away from this stuff. Yeah. I didn't know, like, I didn't know any Jewish kids growing up. The Jewish kids were like,

Or even just Lutheran friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we're going to end it early because Bears game's on. Yeah, yeah.

You didn't talk about hell or how we're all like one step away from being full-fledged demons unless we talk to the guy. Where's his robes? That guy's in a sweater. What is this? People are smiling. Why do people look like they're happy to be here? I don't understand. Yeah, chill church. That's fun, though. And then you went from Catholic school where you said drinking in parking lots and just

you know, hanging around. Yeah, man. It was like, were you city kid or suburban kid? City. Yeah, in Baltimore. Okay, full in city. In the city, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was not, yeah, we didn't have the burbs, but we did a lot. Actually, the church was the like cultural center too where it was like we would get fucked up. I mean, that's the first place I got drunk, first place I grabbed tits. No, the Greek, the Greek,

Well, Italians didn't have any Orthodox, but it was like the Italian, like they stuck together. And the Greek, did you go to Greece every summer? Yeah, oh yeah. We had like a, well, not every summer. Kids would always come back with pictures of just paradise. It was incredible. We'd go for like six weeks. Why do you live here? Why did you leave? I know. It looks great over there. No, some people had to figure it out where they would work. And then every Greek restaurant in Baltimore, we just had to put a sign that was like, gone for August. Yeah.

And they were like, sorry, whatever you guys, you know, you guys are fucked. Yeah, like a third of my friends group. I'm like, where? Oh, yeah, they all went to enjoy the Mediterranean paradise for a few weeks. What was the summer vacation like for the Canaan family? Oh, the Canaan? You guys hit the lake? No, my dad worked for the airlines. So we actually did get some pretty sweet vacations. We got Jamaica a few times. Very nice. Went to Europe when I was like...

That's nice. So it's like you don't really know what you're doing. Were you an only child? No, me and my sister. Okay, nice. That's a little bit. But, yeah, we got along, too, so vacation. That's nice. Where are we? Germany? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know how much chocolate we want because it's vacation? All right. I don't know why it took us nine hours to get here, but I'll eat this chocolate. Hell, yeah, dude. But, yeah, it was good on that, and then just normal, like,

It was real. Me and my dad would go to the Oshkosh Air Show. Hell yeah, dude. Go to the old Oshkosh fly. Go to the air show. Go see them planes fly around. It was a car family. It was an airplane family. Love that. And then...

Drunk and like all the friends getting like a campsite at the Yogi Bear family campground and being absolutely shithoused and getting shut down by campground police every 10 minutes. Classic. Yeah, just the most suburban. Yeah. And like you resent it when you're like, where's my...

Yeah, yeah. This is bullshit. I'm watching the basketball diaries like, man. I'm like, I don't want to have to suck dick for heroin, but this guy's got some history. He's really living. This guy's got a story to tell. What's my autobiography going to suck?

I'm like, thank God. Thank God it's going to suck. Well, one time we threw a full can of beer in the fire, and that's when the park police came by, and it didn't blow up yet. We're like, this thing's going to blow up and burn the park police, but then it didn't. So cool. Yeah, it was cool. We did it. Did you have any shitty suburban jobs? Were you a grocery bagger or some shit? Did you have any fun suburban jobs? I was a caddy. Caddy. I was a caddy for two summers. Caddy.

when you were like young as fuck or how old were you I was like 7th grade I'm little as an adult I was small it really was like everything in Caddy Shack oh this is as big as me my buddy he would have to quit by the 9th hole cause he'd get heat stroke just the worst Caddy I mean it's country club so they're rich and they're just like ah these kids just don't have World War 2 veterans but it's like

This kid's 11 years old. Yeah. Sweating. Why? That's too young. It is funny because I was in Chicago. I was, I spent some time in the burbs. I did, I did like a indie movie that shot, that told us it was going to be in Chicago. And then it was in the fucking, it was in the burbs. It was Orland Park. I don't know. Oh man. Oh, the Florida of Chicago. Really brutal stuff. Horrible. Horrific.

But I was shocked by how many golf courses suburban Chicago had. It was insane. It was like every fucking 10 minutes there was a golf course. It's, you know, what are you going to do out there? Yeah, I guess they got the land. What are you going to do as a middle class man who doesn't want to be around his family? Yeah.

For one of the two days he gets off from his sales job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make an 11-year-old carry your clubs. Yeah, yeah. I don't... My own kids disappoint me. Let me be bummed out by somebody else's kids. Let me yell at some other slight child for not...

did they ever, did you have any golf knowledge where you're like, you should use the four? I just wanted money. I wanted to buy skateboards and shit. Like this place allow, and of course, like it's a country club that somehow has skirted the child labor laws. Yeah. The most child labor, like this isn't like scooping ice cream. This is like,

Oh, it's going to be 90 degrees out at 8 a.m. with 70% humidity. Yeah. And you're going to go... And I sucked at it too. I hated golf. Yeah. And then I was so bad. Because then you're supposed to like...

help him out and like, oh, I think it went over there. Right, right, right. So I was so bad at it. You're just not paying attention. So then they made me a thing called a four caddy. Four caddy. Which is like, they would be in the cart. They would already have a cart and it would be old. It was just my job to stand at the end of the hole and watch where the balls went because they were old and couldn't see what I had. And I'm still like, you're putting me in a field. So like seventh grade, what are you like, 12, 13? Yeah, right around that. Yeah, maybe 13.

And I'm just like, it's 8 a.m. and I'm in a field. Like, I'm not watching these old fucks. Where'd it go? You couldn't handle that, huh? And then I did that so bad, they started giving me like all these carts that had literal red flags on the back of them. And I'm finally like...

What does that mean? Like, oh, somebody in the cart has a heart condition. Oh, wow. So it lets everybody else in the golf course know, like, you see one of these, kind of this... Yeah. Out of the corner of your eye, make sure they're not keeling over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inside the water, these guys are like...

you know, 50 yards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And after a while... On death's door. Yeah, and after a while... So you were just... I don't know what I'm doing with this. It's the rejects. It's like the old guys are going to die in the worst caddies we have. Yeah, yeah. It's like just the shittiest... We need new members. We need fresh blood. Let's try and get these guys out. Yeah, yeah, it's a real... I got nowhere else to go kind of officer and gentleman. Like, why are you even here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it was... You were too young to have any other job, weren't you? Yeah, but... 12 or 13. So the fact that they let you work... And then you had like kids that liked...

That were like ball busting, like alpha candies. Right, right, right. Oh, you're the best kiss ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I had that and then I was like, I immediately, I thought the bravest people ever were people that worked customer service in high school or that worked at like McDonald's and had to see other people from high school. Yeah, that's brutal.

- Brutal, serve somebody. - Purple heart. - There was a kid, oh yeah, that's so true. There's a kid who worked at the McDonald's. There's a McDonald's right across the street from our high school. There was a kid who did that. Felt so bad. - Was he a cool kid? Like did people like him?

Because I feel like those kids were already wealthy. No. The cool kids were wealthy and didn't have to have those jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, yeah, medal honor, Purple Heart for anybody that was like, oh, you're getting picked on in high school? Yeah, he was a dork. Now you're going to get picked on for $4.25 an hour? And then there was also like a kind of hot, shy girl that worked there. And it was like...

Everyone was just sad. Everyone was like, oh, she shouldn't. We didn't make fun of her. You could do better. We were like, oh, this sucks. I want to beat off to her a little less now. Dave, you're in the first part of that 80s movie. You're going to just take off your glasses. You're beautiful. Him, he sucks. No, he's fucked. He thinks he's in that part of the 80s movie where you guys get together. He's wrong. Oh, he's so wrong.

Yeah, he had some definitely undiagnosed stuff going on, tism-wise, if I had to guess. Everybody's out of the spectrum. He really was like an old-fashioned black nerd of like... He had like the perfectly round fro. I just felt... I mean, it was like exactly who gets picked on at a fucking... And, you know, I'm from Baltimore, so it was like, you know, it was a mostly black school. Everyone's just terrorizing... All the other kids were just terrorizing it. And, yeah, that was the same McDonald's, like...

Around there was a CVS, which was behind that is the first place I smoked weed. They were playing dice. They were really like shooting dice in the parking lot. It was like, you can't be a fucking dork that also works at the McDonald's where all the like drugs and crime is happening and like not get viciously torn to shreds. You, what did you, you, you were like a, didn't you work at a grocery store? I was a cart boy for about three months.

We called them wranglers at least. When I worked at Kmart, we called it wrangling. Added a little ranch terminology to it. It was a little more fun. I love that, too, because I remember... You got to hit the back 40 and go wrangle up the herd. Yeah, got to get the herd. Got to get the one with the fucked up wheel. It has a mind of its own. We got a lame one out there. I remember at first you being excited and then realizing... Because didn't they make you join the cart union? The grocery union. That's a good one, man.

Not when you're making $5 an hour and he's paying like $3 a union, dude. Yeah, I was working like 12 hours a week and they made me pay fucking union fees.

I had a friend from high school who started working there and he just looked so bummed one day outside. And I was like, he was like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck? I was like, what's up? He's like, I just got my paycheck. It's $4 and 35 cents. Oh my God. He's just like, and we're pro union on Stavi's world, but come on. They're fucking 15. Let them get 20 bucks. 15 year old, like down in the dumps about union, dude. Kids Christmas is going to be thin this year.

Like, dog, you're supposed to be hoping for a Super Nintendo. I was used to those, you know, plush $30 paychecks. I was like, $4. I can't imagine. I thought I was king shit when they made me join a union when I was 17. Oh, you're also a union teenager. What kind of union? I was in a baker's confectioner's. Hell yes. And I think it was... I'm confusing it with like...

I always want to put tobacco in everything because it's the weirdest. Like the ATF, like alcohol, tobacco. I think it was Baker's Confectioners and Tobacco Workers. Hell yeah, dude. But yeah, I worked in a... That's a great trio. Yeah, I was like, we got to put it somewhere. Dude, that's 19-year-old me's dream. Yeah. His fucking desserts and a couple of Camel Lights. Donuts and

Cigs? Come on, man. From that croissant in a parlor. Ooh, dude. You weren't a fat kid. If I worked as a fucking baker as a child, forget it, dude. That would have been a tough scene. You weren't loyal to the parliaments being Greek? No, no, no. That was like the color scheme. No, parliament, when I was growing up, now someone's told me it was a lesbian cigarette. But growing up, I feel, wasn't it a, didn't it?

people say it was a crackhead cigarette because you could like about you could like fit something yeah it was like the way the like filter was you could I heard you could put like coke in there yeah the hide crack it makes that is the most 15 year old having a cigarette of course of course

Newports, all right, if you want your lungs to shatter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah. Newports were always a little treat for us. We were always like, we treated menthols like they were dessert. But we were our friend, our good buddy, Big P, we won't say his name, we'll protect his privacy. Mm-hmm.

There was a while where he was, because we also would, I think everyone would go and, I don't know if this is the case for you, Elders, but for me it was like when you're in Greece, cigarette, like children smoke cigarettes in Greece. To this day, like it's still crazy. It's like European. It's, yeah. The way like vapes now have brought back

for children. Like, it just never ended in Europe. Like, they just smoked cigarettes. I was in the mid, like, to be in, like, a neighborhood that's white, but, like, you're terrified. Yeah. I was in the Midlands. I was in, like, Leicester, England. It was, like, middle of the day when, like, oh, these kids should be in school. Yeah. But they're just smoking. They're, like, 10. Yeah. Smoking and kicking a half-inflated soccer ball. Yeah, sharpening. Back and forth across the square. Yeah. Not looking at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, mm.

sharpening their knives. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I remember our friends would bring over these insanely heavy prints. Remember print cigarettes? And then we became camel Turkish...

Turkish Golds. We were on the Turkish Golds for a long time. Or Blues. Were they Blues? Blues were later. I think like late high school. And then the Marlboro 27. Oh, with the bronze packaging. The bronze packaging. They were a little shorter. Those were brutal. Those were tough. But that's when we felt really cool. I used to work at a gas station with the pull-down rack. And so I'm like, that's how I started smoking. I'm like, well, everybody else is buying these. I'm going to try all these. Yeah.

And I was, man, I got to, I was a Kool's guy for a minute. Ah, Kool's. 100% from Eddie Murphy in trading places going, who'd been putting the Kool's out on the floor? I'm going to smoke Kool's. He made it sound cool. I'm going to smoke Kool's. And I thought, and also nobody would bum off of you. True. Yep. Oh, you want a cigarette? Here you go. Here's bootleg Newports. Yeah. Here's shittier Newports. Yeah. Or people get, then I move to generics.

and i loved interesting my door out whatever oh wow i made i made jokes about him already but you'd have to carry like a hair tie because the box would fall apart like somebody just licked it closed the box i love it i gotta keep this wrapped up oh man yeah you felt like an adult doing this to cigarettes and then i mean i only smoked for like a year and a half it was

purely to seem cool. Oh, yeah. And then I would just do the classic just smoke when you're drunk kind of thing, which I still to this day enjoy. Yeah. One from time to time. Well, really quickly, I want to ask you about the confections, but I also want to say for our listeners, great shot of Jamie Lee Curtis's tits in trading places. So anytime there's an opportunity to let people know when you can see great titties...

She's really looking great in that. And they are fat. They are fat and they hang just right. I remember getting head while watching that.

And it was one of the finest memories of my life. In the shitty little, I had a shitty little room in Baltimore with a very tiny TV. And I just remember being like, gonna, yeah. I was like, you know, when you're doing that like comedy nerd thing of like, oh, let me show you the classics. It's like training places and like, you know. Then I later showed a girl younger than me, Caddyshack, and she was like, this sucks, you're old. And I was like, damn. That was the first step. And now it's gotten progressively worse. When you talk about needing to grow up, like,

I was a girl that I went on a date with. We were back here, and I just, I don't know, I just threw on Rush Hour. I just threw on some fun, dumb movie, and she's like, who's that? And I was like, Chris. I was like, oh, Chris Tucker. She probably doesn't know Chris Tucker or whatever. That's kind of weird. I threw on Rush Hour, took my shirt off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Started doing karate. I got an early morning tomorrow. Let's go. But then she didn't know who Jackie Chan was, and I was like, oh, man, this is fucked up.

You know what? I'm going to say...

Any woman under 30 should know who Jackie Chan is. Isn't he, like, so famous? Yeah, man, who knows? That's a good point, I guess. I guess a 25-year-old. Yeah, what has Jackie Chan made that would pertain to a 30-year-old female's life in any sense of the word? I guess you're right. All right, I feel a little less bad. A guy who's known for doing his own stunts who's not Tom Cruise. Yeah.

I guess that's fair. I guess that's fair. Yeah, Jackie Chan's not so bad. I guess Rush Hour was just a classic from my childhood. That's like somebody, what's your favorite Sia song? These are my references. Right, right, right. I don't know. Every song I don't recognize, I assume, is Taylor Swift.

Every song you'll recognize in a Target is Taylor Swift, probably. That's why I'll flip it and say it's all right if they don't know who Jackie Chan is. I guess you're right. Yeah, remember when Lethal Weapon 4 came out when we were in fifth grade? That's how the late rush hours are for Zoomers, you know? That's fair. That's fair. No, you're right. I could probably come up with a better example of feeling my mortality with a girl I'm on a date with not knowing a reference, but...

For now, it's rush hour, folks. Come back on another episode when I'll really think about it. If you get a hold of anything that's formidable when you were 15...

You're about to get aged out of a lot of shit. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. Guys don't like John Cusack's solid run of 80s movies. Maybe Keanu is another. Maybe The Matrix is one. But anyway, whatever. Hopefully I'll live a long time and be dating women much younger than me and embarrassing myself for years to come thanks to the nutritional value of...

From Factor Meals. Boy, oh boy, do I love Factor Meals. LAUGHTER

Not horny anymore, but hungry. Yeah. Ready in mere minutes. Yeah. Sometimes you bust a nut and you think to yourself, Jesus, what am I doing? These girls don't even know who Jackie Chan is. I need to get my life together. And that starts with factor meals, nutritious meals. They got it all. They got different types of options. Calorie smart, protein plus keto, whatever you're doing. I actually tried, you know, I've talked about, I'm going to Baltimore. I'm trying to get my life together. Um,

So I got their locale options. They were incredible. Stop scrolling all this for Christ's sake. Let me read the ad, you fucking numbnuts. Nothing pairs with Bad Boys 2 on Blu-ray more than...

factors, low cal. Oh, it was incredible. Thank you, brother. Thank you. I had, I had, uh, I should know the names, but there was like the chicken breast was juicy with a little mashed potato, had a, had some garlic green beans in there. There was a beautiful pasta dish. I sucked it down real nice after having a nice workout. They got it all. It's not just, you know, whatever you want. They got pancake smoothies, more a wide array of shit, a wide array of shit. Uh,

And it's nice because it's already... It's cooked. It's never frozen either. You just... You fucking heat it up and that's it. You don't got... You know, we're on the go. We're on the go, gentlemen, here. We've discussed it. You've barely chosen what season of Night Court from the box set you want to start up by the time this meal is hot and ready. What's up, Ma? You want to watch Martin reruns? I've done that a lot. I actually have. You know what? Martin might be it. Uh...

Uh, anyway, uh, they're nice, whatever you need to do. Uh, I like it cause my schedule, you know, it flips around a little bit. Sometimes we're podcasting, like they've actually been great when we're podcasting because we do a lot in the day. We try and, you know, we try and do, uh, I like to get in a rhythm with the pods and you pop them in, uh, you pop them in, you heat them up, you eat them. And then bam, you go from talking to Kyle, you talk to Ian finance afterwards in, in micro scene right afterwards with the nutrition you need. Um,

I truly do love Factor. I'm excited to try a bigger variety of the locale. They just sent me a box, and I liked... There's a random box. I'm a picky eater. I'm a bit of an asshole when it comes to what I eat, and I like them all. I like the pasta dishes. I like the chicken. I like the veg. The veggies are nice. Sometimes when you get these pre-made meals, it's like...

You know, shit's mushy. It doesn't add up. This shit was nice, bro. Crisp. I loved it. So if you want to try some Factor Meals, boy, do we have the deal of a lifetime for you folks. Throw on. Now, that's what I call music seven.

And head to factormeals.com slash stabby50. That's right. Kyle said it. Head to factormeals.com slash stabby50 and use code stabby50 to get 50% off your order. That's code stabby50 at factormeals.com slash stabby50 to get 50% off. Go try a delicious factor meal right now, folks. All right. Well, ooh, I'm hungry just talking about it.

I really am. I'm fucking starving. Kyle walked in, and I was making a really fucked up leftover shrimp and yogurt wrap. I don't know what I was thinking. It tasted like shit. I wish I had factor meals. I don't know you well enough, but I was like, whoa. No, it was like our first interaction was you watching me eat one of the most fucked up meals I've ever had. I thought it was ambrosia salad, and then you pulled out a tortilla and some hot sauce. I was like, what?

all right, man, you know, athletes train differently. Like I just came from the gym. I'm like, oh man, his synapses are firing. It's not about flavor. Yeah. I'm just putting some marshmallow in my system. He just created voids with that workout that he's trying to fill. And I'm not, you know, I'm not a nutritionist. Of course. If only I had a factor meal, truly I would want it. And I wouldn't have had that fucked up weird shrimp salad, but, um,

Anyway, Kyle, why don't we use some of the expertise you've amassed over the years to help answer our questions here for our friends and hopefully sneak in some... I do want to hear more about your confectioner's background. Eldest, maybe we can find something dessert-related. You know, I don't want to... You probably won't be able to. Yeah, I don't think... Well, I'll see what I can do here. I used to work at a donut factory.

Like, that's the most Willy Wonka thing I could say about my life. Dude, again, if I was there, I'm fucked. 17 years old at the donut factory is tough. They all thought I was... Because I was just like, I didn't want to work customer service, so I just went to all the warehouses. I'm like, I'm 17. Fucking break me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want real money. And so it was like the deep freeze, like mass-produced donuts. But I would just eat them because I'm 17. Like, oh, lunch break. Of course. Because it was all primarily like...

Latino workers. And so they first thought I was the boss's kid because I was the only white guy working there. This weird move around shift. So they hated me. And then once they found out I wasn't... A donut factory nepo baby. Yeah, I was about to cash in on the Clyde's Delicious Donuts fortune. I just learned a few real world skills before I go to boarding school. But then they found out that I wasn't the boss's kid so they thought I must have been the boss's kid.

Oh, poor. Worst off white kid ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I would, because then they just saw me eating, like, the fucked up donuts that got cut in half by the machine or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's the poorest white boy we've ever seen. So then they would feed me stuff from all their homemade lunches. So all I was, all I was donuts and homemade Mexican food. That's a nice combo right there. And then I just ran around a donut factory for, like, and I was making, like, 14 bucks an hour. And, like, yeah, this was, like, 95 or something. That's a wage, brother. Yeah. Ooh.

God damn. Yeah, I was like, oh, this is the best. That's awesome. Yes, that's my confectioner back. That's beautiful. That's a beautiful story right there. And yeah, you got it in your pockets nice. You lined your pockets deep. All right, Elvis, let's answer some questions here, buddy. Hey, Stubby. Elvis, you beautiful twink. Yeah, right. In his heart, he is a twink. My ex and I broke up probably about two, three years ago.

but we still trained jujitsu at the same Academy. Um, there's no animosity between the two of us. We maintain like professional friendship. Uh, but recently she started dating one of the other guys at my Academy. Oh, it happens to be a friend of mine that I've been training with for probably six years at this point. And I don't know why, but I,

I'm feeling some kind of way about it. I'm feeling like a little disrespected. I don't know. Maybe it's my own principles. I don't date anyone I train with. I don't really believe in dating people you train with unless you bring them from outside. And since we've,

been broken up. I've dated exclusively people outside of the academy. Pause this. He's like, I don't believe in doing anything that wasn't exactly what I did. Only the situation I did was okay. If you bring the pussy his grandfathered in, then they can train jujitsu, but you are not allowed to fuck someone that would hurt my feelings. Very funny start so far, but go ahead. Let's just finish. Let's hear him out.

Just because it feels kind of weird and high school clicky. I also don't, I believe in not shooting where you eat. Yeah, I don't know. Am I in the wrong to be a little irritated and disrespected that those two would date? Especially my buddy dating her, considering he knows our background and that we dated for five years. That's something. I don't know why.

I just find myself a little irritated and bothered. It's not even jealousy. It's just a little like maybe I'm pushing my principles on them. It's not your principles.

And maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Just kind of wanted to get an outside opinion. You and Otis's opinions on this. Yeah, we got it. Isn't there a whole thing about, like, honor and discipline and mastery of the self? Like, fucking deal with it, dude. Yeah, I don't... It is funny that it's like, yeah, who knows? It's not a climbing gym. You're, like, you're training in the ways. Also, it's just like, dude...

Here's what's pissing me off. He's pretending it's about some kind of moral code that he's mad about. Stop. I say this all the time. It's like, don't lie. You cannot lie to us. That's the one thing I will not accept on this podcast. I always say we're like their defense attorney. So you've got to tell us what happened. You've got to tell us the truth. And we can kind of massage it for you, whatever, but we need to know the truth. The truth is, you don't fucking care about us.

And look, like, okay, if this was a girl you hadn't fucked and he started dating a different girl at your gym, would you be this deeply upset about your principles? Would you be like, hey, Todd...

this is where we fucking learn how to do Kimuras. You're ruining the vibes. No, so that's what I'm saying. Be honest here. I'm guessing the other guy is better at jujitsu than he is. That would also be tough. If the other guy was, he'd be like, all right, took a step down, whatever. He dominates some of these dudes. He said this guy trained him for six years. Trained him or trained with him? Trained with him, I thought it was. So basically all that's happening here is that

Here's where you can actually be a little upset, in my opinion. Now, look, here's the other thing. He's your friend. Is he your friend like you just take the same classes? Do you guys ever hang out outside of the gym? Like, if he's your actual boy, because if he's your actual boy, you can be annoyed...

That he at least didn't have a conversation with you. That it wasn't like, hey man, just so you know, this is going on. Like, we're friends. I just wanted to let you know. But the reality is he's not...

Like, you're saying don't shit where you eat, but it's also like, well, these are the people you see. If you're like a fucking jujitsu freak... It's like comedians dating comedians. Like, this is just all what we're doing. Totally. Yeah, in my free time, I'm like, hey, let's go get lunch. Let's go do this thing. Now, we see each other at this mutual interest, but if we didn't have this shared interest, would we be friends outside of it? Right, right, right. And so it's like, you know, you want to... If you were... Like, that's a great example. If, like, a comedian that I was friends with, like...

I fucked some... You know, whatever, my ex. It was like... It's not about us being comedians together. It's about him being my friend. But if some other guy who just happens to fucking do comedy that I don't really know that well, but I see him at shows, did something that would be annoying of a friend did, that's different, right? But also, like, with them, it's like...

you're around people you see. And the comedian example is good too, where it's like, yes, sometimes it's a bad idea to don't shit where you eat, but that basically means don't be a dickhead to these people. Like if you, if you feel a connection with somebody that you have a strong, you guys are both into the same things. You both train at the same places. Yeah. It's going to happen where sometimes you date people within your gym or it's going to happen sometimes. Like, yeah, some of the most disastrous relationships are comedians dating each other, but some of the best ones are too, right? Where it's like,

You know, Joe List and Sarah. Like, it just happens. Like, I have friends who it's worked out for them. And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This isn't about your principles, though. Well, I'll also say, like, and I'm not saying, like, emotional maturity lightly. Like, grow up, dude. It's a tough place to be in to go, like, oh, here's somebody I've been with for a while. It didn't work out with us. But I still care about them enough to see them be happy. And if it happens to be with that person over there, they've gotten to know that person. Like, that's...

You got to let it happen, man. Yeah, and that's a beautiful perspective. I'm not even that mature. I'm just saying. I'm telling somebody else to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do as I say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do think, I guess what it really comes down to is you can be honest with your feelings here. And your feelings are not about what's right in the jujitsu gym. Your feelings are your ex, a serious ex of, what do you say, five years, is dating a friend that...

Like, we don't know how close a friend is, but let's say he is a good friend and somebody you've known for six years. That, and he didn't even kind of, the violation here is more on the friend, right? But also, you guys broke up, what, he said two to three years ago? Like, it's been enough time. And they don't really owe you much. They could have just, they could have given you a heads up. Two to three years is like, you're out. For sure. You didn't just turn and burn. For sure. Also, if you're that bothered by it,

Go three blocks down the street to the next jujitsu gym. Find the next abandoned TCBY that is now a dojo and start there. It's not like these things are scarce. Yeah, yeah. So, absolutely. Yeah, ultimately, and this is, again, a classic thing where we say, no one's in the wrong here, but ultimately, if this fucks up how you feel about that gym, go to a different gym. But...

Be honest about what you're feeling irritated about. And I think all you're feeling irritated about is like, if this guy's truly your friend, he does, in my opinion, even though two to three years you're out, he owes you like a little, hey man, just so you know, me and whatever are like, you know, I'm sorry. I know you guys were together. I don't want, I don't want you to find out in some weird way. Like I feel, I figure it's been long enough.

That's what you're upset about. And by the way, even if he had that conversation with you, it's not like you would be like, oh, cool. You're still probably a little... You still have some residual feelings about...

Anyone who's like, we maintain a professional friendship, I don't know that it's healthy necessarily to have seen your ex twice a week for three years. That probably doesn't help your closure, you getting over it. And so you have some lingering shit that you're recognizing, oh, maybe I didn't fully get over this. And you just feel a little wronged by somebody that you feel is your friend. That's what's going on here. It's not...

don't shit where you eat out of the sanctity of the fucking jiu-jitsu gym. Yeah, I think there's this honor and everything. You're calling it the academy. So maybe the sanctity that you're holding this in can be a little bit more pliable. For sure. I mean, look, unless...

You're in a social circle. Exactly. Unless you're training to be in the UFC. But that's not the vibe I'm getting. Which they're all, right? Everybody go in an open mic. Yeah, they're going to get a special. So good luck, buddy. Here's the other thing.

I guarantee you if you're getting sucked off by someone else, you don't care at all. That's another thing. If by some situation you're in a relationship and you give this much of a fuck about it, there's a lot more going on. Throw yourself into a trivia night or two. Get away from the academy for a minute and go see what the other half was just trying to like with their greasy chicken wing hands are trying to scribble answers down. Absolutely. Find out how they're living, you know?

Open your horizons. Give me another one, Eldis. What's up, Savvy Baby? What's up, guests? What's up, that Albanian machine? Yeah, so I've been having problems lately with my mother-in-law, and my wife has, but my wife is the reserved, quiet, keep-it-all-in type. She doesn't like to let it out. She doesn't like to have conversations about things. She hates confrontation, so...

Whenever she tried to have a conversation with her mom, it always gets flipped on her, even if her mom is doing anything that's wrong, which most of the time it is. But the biggest thing, the last, we've been together like seven years. And since she got a divorce with her ex-husband, my wife, basically, my mother-in-law has been spending a lot of time with him. She claims so she can get time with the kids more.

all this crazy stuff but we ended up through roundabout ways uh finding out that they kind of had a thing they were going hikes together she confessed to that because she felt bad what kind of thing um

They're always texting and talking and hanging out to get each other gifts for random stuff. He had braces. He got his braces off. She gave him a gift basket. A gift basket? Obviously, like, yeah, I'm a little bitter, but I go through surgery and stuff. Nothing ever happens. Like, she doesn't give me anything. She doesn't say anything. But clearly there's something going on. We read some text messages, too, while our daughter was on her phone.

Um, we saw messages coming in from him while my wife didn't, she looked at it and they're talking, they love each other and all this stuff. So anyways, as messed up as that is, my wife tries to call her out and then my wife gets in trouble because she was looking at the phone or whatever. And it's always flipped on her. And it's like, well, it's not weird that we hang out because

Could be the same as your dad and your grandpa hanging out, but clearly it's not the same thing. Oh yeah, is he trying to suck your grandpa's dick? At this point, I just don't know what to do because there's so many times where I want to say something to both of them, but my wife doesn't want me to. And so I'm respecting that. And every time my wife tries to talk to him about stuff and saying she's uncomfortable, she either flips it on her or, you know, turns it around and, and she says, oh, okay. And then nothing ever happens. So yeah. Thanks.

Brutal stuff. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was thick with drama. That's tough stuff. When did he send this? I just want to know. Thank God this is a free episode. All right. It's coming out soon, brother. Yeah, man. We got to get to this stat. I mean. This one's coming into the ER.

Insane. Your mother-in-law is a fucking insane person. I feel like this has happened. I feel like we've gotten calls like this. And also, this is a weird dynamic. There are... One thing I never understood, I guess because I come from the classic... There's different parent configurations. I come from bad dad, good mom. So I can't imagine a bad... In my head, it's so tough for me. And basically...

All my friends, it's like, well, not all of them, but there's a lot of good moms and a lot of bad dads in my friend group, so it's like,

So it's hard for me to imagine, but one of the most fucked up types of moms is the mom that sees her daughter as competition. That's one of the craziest types of fucking old whores out there. And this woman feels a little like that. I think there's like some of that going on here. She's clearly a fucking dumb bitch. I mean, there's no way around that. All the lying and the, oh, you don't say she's manipulative and flips it on. Yeah, I got a little confused about the reading the text messages and what was going on.

going on there. So basically what was going on is they were their little kid. They got a relationship. The mother-in-law has a relationship with the ex-husband. Something. Because the kids are there. Now. Theoretically. This is where I gotta step back. That's her cover. Okay, yeah. We don't know the context of everything. Yeah. You know, it's always like the am I the asshole columns on Reddit where you're like, yeah, you are, man. Right, right, right. We don't know like

I don't know your wife's history with your mom. Nobody knows somebody else's history with their parents. If it's complicated, maybe they just don't like each other. So it's like, well, it's easier to see my grandkids. And that's the most important thing that... Right. Grandparents... I just want to see my grandbabies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do anything it takes. We don't have a relationship, but I need a relationship with my grandkids. Right, right, right. It sucks for this dude, because he's on the outs for some of it. Here's... I think I... How I'm reading it is that, like... Is that, basically, the mom...

At a minimum, just likes the ex-husband more than both the current guy and her daughter. Yeah. And at worst... I've seen that happen. Definitely. I've seen parents not like their kid, let alone... 100%. The person they're with. 100%. And...

And, like, that's at the lowest end. And at the highest end, she's secretly fucking this guy, right? Like, that's kind of the range that we're sort of, like, that's the range that we're in right now. But, man, do we have to just go back to the same advice we gave the first caller and be like, well, emotional maturity would say that, you know, if you love something, you want it to be happy, too. So if your mom needs to fuck your ex-husband...

You should be sincerely happy. Like we're being hypocrites right now. We're telling this guy it's entirely fucked up. But the first guy, hey, move on, dude. I'm going to get... Move on. Your mom's fucking your children's dad. Just move on. Move on. Grow up. Yeah, grow up. Um...

So, yeah. So he's dealing with a couple different issues here. You've got the dumb bitch mother-in-law, which a classic, a tale as old as time, right? But the real issue here is, for him, is getting his wife married

To confront. Because he sounds like he's chomping at the bit to go at this old bitch. And his wife doesn't want to do that. Well, it sounds like maybe, yeah, his wife, the daughter, already has some context where she's like, I don't even want to deal with her. Like, there's already... I wonder if that's the case. I wonder if... Because this is also another classic situation of like...

Like her mom just sounds like one of those parents that's like selfish, does whatever the fuck they want. It's kind of manipulative. You get to look again. You're right. We only have one side of the story here. Yeah. But I do think the first step in this is like your wife has to start really thinking about her relationship to her mother. I mean, this does that because this really isn't.

you do kind of have to take your cues from your wife here, but I would, I would personally try and attack it at the base of shit where it's like, this feels like some classic therapy shit. This feels like some shit your wife needs to go to therapy. And with the specific intent of discussing her relationship with her mother, because this is insane. And you're also like, it's okay for you to have your feelings hurt. Um,

As just like a son-in-law of like, what the fuck, man? Like, that is weird. Like, if I'm in this situation and like this woman loves the guy before me, it's like, all right, well, your fucking daughter picked me. She doesn't want him in her life. You're being fucked. Other than like the co-parent. But that's what, are the kids still cool with this guy and the mom? Or are they also like, are they being turned against them? Or are the kids like, yeah, it's pretty weird.

That our dad... The kids only know that it's mom and dad. They don't have the sides. It's mom and dad. Right. And dad also, we get to hang out with grandma. I don't know how old the kids are. I don't know if the kids realize that like...

You know when you realize, like, oh, that's my mom's mom and that's my dad's mom. At first you're like, oh, just the old people that hang out on holidays. It's funny when a baby just thinks his grandma's a different lady altogether. Yeah. And when he finds out it's his mom's mom, he's like, what the fuck? Oh, wait, you have, you're the one for them? You guys know each other? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're the one for that? That's for me? Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is always such a funny moment when a baby puts it together and he's like three and you're like, what? Yeah.

You guys have known him? Yeah. Oh, you guys came from different... You were just adults when you met? Yeah. Wait, you guys weren't just babies together? My parents weren't babies together? So I don't know how old these kids are and what the context that they're sorting this out themselves is.

And but yeah, I got no clean answer for my man here. I mean, I really do believe it's a little it's like you just got to start with your wife and her relationship with her mom. That's the that's the absolute center of all this. And like because my I would love a situation where you fucking tell this old lady off. And even like her. It sounds like your wife might just have a weird, bad relationship with her mom. And I think that's what's that's what's here. Yeah.

And that's all you could do is kind of support your wife through that. Because as things are, I wouldn't be the guy who's sort of like,

tries to be a cowboy about this and tells the old lady off yourself. I think you have to just support your wife into examining her relationship with their mom and what she wants. And that's tough. A lot of times people want to be in denial if they have toxic parents because it's easier to just be like, well, that's just my dad, that's just my mom. But sometimes they're bad for you, man. Yeah, because trying to excavate all of it is like... And it's a lot of work. I don't want to... I am...

replacing happiness with contentment is like a, like very easy. And also like its own disease, I think of like, yeah, I mean, I bring it up a lot about being Midwestern, like, well, trying to be happy takes work, but just be like, yeah, this is fine. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like, well, but didn't you want to do like more and like,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like... It's all right. I'll drink a 12-pack. Yeah, I got like the good cable package. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can just keep flipping until I fall asleep, do it again tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And listen, your wife might, after going to some therapy, thinking, you know, doing the cost-benefit analysis, she might just be like...

it's easier not to. But she has to decide that and not just stay in her own patterns. To me, that's what's... And look, maybe I'm a little biased. I do think that it's important to like... I think it's important to really think about if you have a parent that's been a fucking issue in your life, it's important to try and have a relationship on your terms. And if they won't, or at least on some kind of middle ground, and if your parent won't do that...

I do think it's, I think cutting off a shitty parent is a good way to go and it'll actually ultimately make you happier. I've seen that happen for friends of mine. You know, it's just like, it's something that I think should be on the table, but that's not your decision. That's your wife. So all you can do is support her, maybe try and get her into some therapy and kind of, you know, be as supportive as possible with that. Have you ever had that shift in your life where you had to like,

your parents just as like a 20 year old dealing with their parents and going like,

Oh, this is adding way more layers. Totally, totally. To like, oh, no, this is just my mom and dad. They make the rules. They were like, you know, like, oh, wait, they grew up. They had parents. They were in the same position I was. And they said that that's the perspective you only get when you have kids of your own. But it's like, oh, I'm not going to have kids, so I should try and force that perspective on myself. Right. Oh, maybe they're this way because of the way they were raised. And it's like, you've got to take some of that stuff into account. Totally, totally. So... Yeah, that's definitely happened to me, but I've also had that, and I'm like, oh, but...

But maybe if you look at your kid. You know what? I can't. Too much? I should get into this publicly. Do you want to make a call into the show, Sammy? I do, yes. I mean, everybody knows I have a complicated relationship with my dad. So it's like I've had that moment. And don't get me wrong. I definitely have empathy because he went through a lot of shit. But then there's other stuff where I'm like,

oh, this, he is behaving like, like this is not acceptable. So I think it cuts both ways where you're like, you give them the benefit of the doubt and you see what they, what they were up against and you have empathy for them for that. But then you also think of ways they behaved certain other times. You're like, oh, I would never do that. Why didn't you see that? You didn't like it being done to you. Why do you think it's your job to do it to me? Dude,

Literally exactly. Where my dad was still... You could break the chain. Yeah, exactly. He'll still talk about ways that other people from 30 years ago wronged him, but he can't admit that he did the same thing to me or my brothers or whatever. Greek immigrant? Yeah. Came over here in the 80s. Those were hard times. Had a weird... And look, his parents were...

I've talked about it on my first special. His parents were from a loveless arranged marriage. So it's not going to be the most nurturing environment. He didn't have a good example of what? He did not have a good example. He did not have a good example. Stavros Halkias, my namesake, was not the best dad. He was more of a hoarder and a man who fed exotic birds.

he cared way more about his birds than his family and he helped like he was like a weirdly this is a theme with my with the father figures in my life in my family where it's like they weren't bad guys to like their friends in the community at large they just didn't understand how to have families and what they needed to do for that well you couldn't like I think that was just like dudes of a generation like you just weren't you didn't

You weren't emotional around your kids. And you saw your... You didn't show emotions. And I think part of it is like seeing your kids as almost like your pets. Where they were like, they had to do whatever you wanted. And there was no like you meeting them halfway emotionally or in any way. I like it more like employees. Yeah, employees. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, something like that. I run the house. Oh, you're not part of a house. Oh, no, you run the house. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, well, if that's the case...

this company's been failing under your fucking administration. We've been in debt a lot. We're getting bailed out. Yeah, we should have gone bankrupt a lot of times. So anyway, that's a little context to my answer too. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt. But hit us with another one, Big Eldo. Hey, Stav. I am a first-year teacher in Philadelphia. It's going okay, but the kids...

are absolutely fucking cooking me. I know you had mentioned in the past that you also went to a bullshit school, kind of like the bullshit schools that I teach at. And so I was wondering if you had any advice on maybe how to earn their trust and respect without, you know, just having to be a total fucking cop teacher, disciplinarian, or, you know, how to be firm and caring without, you know,

high and tight and barking at him like a gym teacher all the time. All right. Well, you can't do that. You clearly don't have the backbone for that. I don't know what... I can't answer this. Yeah, I mean, I went to Baltimore City Public Schools, so I know...

This guy, I can hear from his voice, he would have been absolute food for us. He's like... And there was a lot of well-meaning white teachers that would think they were making a big difference. By the way, I went to the... There were two incredible schools in Baltimore where you had to test in. The system's kind of fucked up, in my opinion, as an adult looking at it, where it's like most schools in Baltimore, the Baltimore City public school system, are horrible. But if you test in...

Like, you can get into... There's two magnet schools that have really nice... Here's the kids that want to be in school. Exactly. It's like... And so there is something weird about that, I think, because, you know, if you don't get on a certain track by the time you're in literally fourth grade and start testing well, because you have to... To get into those schools, you have to get into those middle schools when they start testing in third grade for that. And so it's like...

If just... A lot of kids get lost through the cracks, in my opinion. Yeah. And if you didn't do well, they would literally flunk you out. Like, you could get into that school, and if your grades were bad, they would just send you back to your zone school. So it's like... It is a little fucked up, but...

So I went to like the best schools where the kids were the most well-behaved and we still ate alive a lot of these fucking schools. Like I can't imagine being a fucking like, like I have people in my family and friends of mine who are actually teaching in Baltimore city right now. And there is no, as a young, like, like soft white teacher, like,

All I can say is like, you're just going to get cooked. You just have to sort of like develop a scar tissue over those burns that you're going to get. And I think all you can do legitimately is like be who you are. Like kids sniff out...

People who are inauthentic so, so fast. All you can do is just be who you are. If you're a fucking... I know somebody who's an art teacher and she is not... She's an incredibly talented artist and she was like, I just want to give back. I want to work in public schools. And her first...

six months, she thought about leaving every day. These kids were like brutal. They were like, they were saying like her kids were like, you know, literally the little kids were like, you're not, they're like, you're not tough enough to be a teacher here. And then they would like punch each other. And they're like, there's like, and there's like race wars between the Hispanic and black kids. And it's like, she doesn't know. She's a nice girl. Who's really a really good artist. She didn't know, but she's done. She's like, I don't know.

I would talk to her and it would be like, it was brutal. And then she just kind of got used to it. She finds her like the kids that she can relate to and that do listen to her. And it's like, you just kind of have to build from there, bro. Here's my prospects. I'm going to focus on these. Hey, you know why these three are my favorite? Because the rest of you suck. She was literally talking about. This has a future. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have friends who are like, oh, yeah, the developmentally disabled kids are the best kids in my class.

Because they just sit down and, like, doodle and do their work. Especially art, too. Oh, there's no parameters. They're just drawing Goku. There's, like, a kid in their class who draws Goku every day and gets better and, like, shows progress and doesn't bother anyone. And so, like, yeah, dude, I really just think, and thinking back to who I respected and who my friends didn't, like, there were dork teachers that were just, like, you know,

They were like... If you asked them questions, they were there for you. It's like... Be honest. Honestly, if you're just fair to these kids and you offer them like... If you're not the kind of guy who is a hard ass, just be fair. And just... They will respect you over time and you will get more used to it over time. And I also think it's important to realize like, yeah, dude, you are actually doing something good. Like...

In this country, teachers are so fucked and you should get paid way more than you do. Hazard pay. You should get hazard pay. Truly, truly. And there is some value to that. And I think look at these as your years of just understanding. Teachers are the first responders...

to the humanity of the world. Like, oh, here's a new human being that I have to somehow shape into being a functioning member of society and they want no part of it. None of it, yeah. So... Hats off, man. I think, like, make yourself available to, like...

form relationships with some of these kids. Like, a lot of, like, even the, like, you know, like, have after school hours or coach class or just, like, find little ways to really bond personally with these kids and understand that you're still going to get cooked. They're still going to call you a bitch. And just, like, you know, figure your shit out. Also, start rumors about yourself. Like, you know he killed a guy. Oh, that's good. Like, oh, he was, yeah, he was a sniper. Yeah, yeah.

start like all the rumors about like Mr. Rogers or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start rumors about yourself. Oh, yeah. We had a teacher. That you were a full assassin in a different life and you're like, in like his tell is when it's like, you know, his eyes start switching. When his left eye twitches. In Michael Craig. Go that way. Just fictionalize your backstory entirely. That's good. And see, like pepper that in. Or fuck one of their moms and then bring that up if they ever roast you. Kind of the power move from the last call. We really are.

We really are dancing back to these other calls. Maybe that ex-husband was just pulling a power move and moving in. I like that. Yeah, I mean, we had a teacher that his first name was Mack.

and he was just like the coolest old black guy of all time and there was just a rumor that he was a pimp literally because he was a fucking cool old black dude named Mac yeah yeah yeah we found out his first name was Mac we were like oh this guy's awesome this rumor's true it's true I think that's your best bet I mean this is all wholesome but start rumors about yourself man yeah yeah yeah create a backstory yep wipe anything online about you clean get rid of it so there's no you killed a home invader a guy tried you and you killed him that's good

There's so much. I mean, kids believe just headlines and not articles. You can do something with that. Absolutely. Yeah, that's great. That's good stuff. Give us another one, Little Eldon's.

saw the eldest and guests. Um, so here's my problem. I've been hooking up very casually with this guy since November. Um, and at first I was down for it to be a totally casual thing because that's where my head was at. And honestly, I found him kind of annoying, um, but pretty quickly, unfortunately something switched for me and now I'm totally down bad. Um, if he texts me, I like feel amazing. And if not, I feel terrible.

Honestly, the biggest factor is the dick is so good. I like having sex with him so much. So the problem is he's been very clear. He's not looking for a relationship and will likely be out of my city and the country by the summer. I'm torn because I really don't want to deprive myself of top tier dick because of my feelings. Right. But I'm just starting to feel really bad about this because I want more. And it's so fleeting.

I'm not interested in asking for something that I've already been told is off the table. That's good. So I guess my question is, is there a way I can compartmentalize my feelings so I can keep hooking up with this guy? Or do I need to cut this off for my own sanity? I'm also wondering if there's a way I can express these feelings while continuing to keep things casual. I'm not like meet my parents, be my boyfriend, but I am like, I feel crazy and I want to express how attracted to him I am without making it weird. Thanks. Love y'all.

I mean, blaze of glory. Lay it out on the table knowing that worst case scenario, the first part is like you're going to be out without good dick. Yeah, I mean, that's actually a good point. You don't have anything to lose, right? Like either way, this guy is probably out of the picture. This is where a John Cusack 80s movie would come in. The plot of it pretty much.

Yeah, I mean, this is like... Yeah, go stand outside his window with a fucking boombox. Yeah, just blow it up. But this is like... I mean, good for you for trying to rationalize it, but it's like even within how like, you know...

deliberate you're being, we can feel how horny you are. See, like it's foaming under the, under the, like the base of this question, under the surface of this question. Like, yeah. And this is, it's so funny how like, if you're just good at fucking this guy who's annoying, she's like, Oh, he's actually, I love him. Human beings are so easy. Well, this is biology edits edits. Essence is like the dick was so good. I want to be with him for life. Like this is,

This is like the birth of, this is creation. Yeah, I mean, to this day, the girl, a girl I can't stop thinking about, it's like the first girl who swallowed my nut. The first time that happened to me, I was like, this woman is in my heart forever. Like the first good pussy you get. We will get married now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now. Now.

And it is so pathetic, but it's like the people you can't get over are the people that fuck the best. In my experience, maybe I'm just a fucking caveman. I'm sure they're whatever, whatever. Yeah, I think because you're shutting your brain down, you're not thinking about anything because it's so good. And then when your brain's empty, all the thoughts, all the positivity is rushing in. Yeah. Yeah, this is why tribes began is because of good dicks. Yeah.

Right. They just followed. Four women followed around the guy with good dick through the savannah. Yeah, you're falling for the most ingrained instinct human beings possess. That's all you're talking about right now. But we also live in a modern world. Break it off. Get out there. There's more dick around there. Yeah, so basically, yes. I think it's one of two ways. The weird middle ground you're trying to do, I don't think...

Like that's you're just hoping that you can incrementally ratchet things up. There's no like, can I, is there a way to say these feelings without being weird? It's like, no, not really. You have to just be like, I think if you want to, what Kyle said at first, like, yeah, what do you have to lose? You can just say, Hey, here's how I feel about things. You know, I've really enjoyed the time. I totally get. And to be honest with you, okay, this will give you a glimmer of hope. That's probably not going to happen. But,

One of a situation that happened with me is I was in a similar situation with a girl and I said the same shit to her. Right. And I was like, and you know, last year I did this a few times where I was like, said that, you know, I was dating, I would see girls like in New York when I was back home. And, um, you know, most of the time I had this conversation with them and then they were like, uh, okay, cool. And then like one or the other of us would fall off. There was a girl who had this conversation with early and,

And over time, I started feeling that way. She didn't make these feelings known. Or I started being like, hmm, I kind of like her a little bit, like whatever. She never made those feelings known to me. And she was just like, hey, I had a lot of fun, but I found a boyfriend. And which, you know, whatever. And then I realized after she said it, like, oh, fuck, I kind of wish that she had had that. Like, you have nothing to lose from having the conversation because either he's going to be like, oh, I love.

Like, I'm flattered, thank you, but like I said earlier, I just don't... I can't have anything serious right now. Or he will actually think about that and say, okay, I could maybe see these things. Yeah, some people's... You know, not everybody's timelines match up, even though they might want the same thing, they might not want it at the same time. Yeah. This guy... You know, it's a... You love something set it free. Absolutely, yeah. And also...

Ah, shit, you were making a good point that I was about to agree with. That was about it. Yeah. You know, I also think that, yeah, just blow it up. There's no... Yeah, I think the smart thing... The phrase that you said, is there a way that I can compartmentalize my feelings? No, there's never a way. There's no way to compartmentalize. It's never a good idea for any feelings. And I will say statistically, this is always how these situations go. One or the other person develops feelings and that's the expiration date on it. You might... And you've reached it. And you also might want something because you know it won't work out.

That's happened to me too. All you have to do is sit there and idealize it. That's a good point too. That's happened to me as well. You'll never be in it. So you can be like, well, this will be perfect because it's not going to happen. So you just can daydream about it. Right, right, right. Being perfect and how you'll never have it. What if we go to the farmer's market and then I get good dick instead of just only getting it at 1 a.m.? Yeah. So yeah, those are your options, baby girl. You either got to just move on and just whatever or...

There is nothing... You don't have anything to lose with giving it... Just opening up, sharing your feelings. And if anything, it'll work one way or the other because either...

he will be kind of down or he'll be like, "Ugh, this bitch caught feelings. I gotta go." And he might cut it off for you. - But she sounds smart enough to know. - Definitely, yeah. - She knows the answer to her own question, I think a little bit. Just wants to hear somebody else say it. - I think so. I think so. But yeah, either way, if you make that last stand and he doesn't go for it, the only downside is that guy now knows like, "Oh, this bitch is sprung. I can just treat her however I want." So when you make that, if you decide to share your feelings,

You either start... You either ratchet up how serious it is or you just get out of there immediately because he will then... If he's a bad guy, which you might be too digmatized to tell, he'll just try and take advantage. He'll just know, oh, I have this bitch in the back of my pocket forever. Yeah, if you blow it up, he says no. Long con is if he comes back in a little while...

Don't engage after that. Give it. Cool it. And listen, if it's just over, hey, you had a nice run with some good dick. Like I said, I still think about the girls that had some of the best pussy of all time, and I think of them fondly. I'll be on a bike ride. The sun is hitting me just right, and I'll just be like. Chapters in our lives, man. Oh, man. Those were awesome titties.

Ah, when that metal piercing hit my molar. That was awesome. All right. Let's get one to go out on a nice one here, Elderson. We should say again, watch the special, guys. Dirt nap out. Where can the people find it, Kyle? 800-pound Guerrilla Media, free on YouTube in a month or whenever this comes out, beginning of April. Probably then. Yeah, it's free. It's recently free on YouTube. Free with commercials the way I want it. Yeah.

No concern for punchlines or rhythm. Just an ad for better health. Just wedged into the best part. That's what I want. Hit us with a nice one to go out on Big LD.

Hi, Stav. I'm a longtime listener. Love the special. Thank you. Hello, Elvis. Hello, guests. I'm so happy that you're listening to this. So anyway, to get right to it, I have lost about 70 pounds in the last like two years. Like we're talking like 220 down to like 150. And that takes a toll on balance.

the womanly figure, you could say, in that I have saggy boobs at 29, and I am sucking and fucking my way through St. Louis, and every time I'm just like, is this man judging me for my saggy titties, or do men truly not care? Like, should I be confident in myself despite, you know, my boobs hanging out?

Hanging low. This is, yeah, I'm dead serious. This really, like, fucks up my sex life. Just any reassurance or anything you can offer to help me feel better. Thanks. Love you guys. Bye. Bye.

Okay, so you're basically like, well, first of all, you should be proud of, you know, you worked hard for something and you're sucking and fucking and it's helped your... Even if it hasn't been... I bet you could have been sucking and fucking through St. Louis even at 220, but now you might believe in yourself a little more. So you should be proud of that. And, you know, if your titties are hanging low, I just think, like, if you haven't...

Sounds like you're doing good with your sex life, right? And like, do men truly care? Do they not care? I mean, it's a case-by-case basis, right? Like some people, you know, I'll take titties in all shapes and sizes for sure. You could also, I don't know, fucking wear a bra or something. I don't know. Like, I don't know what to, like, it ultimately comes down to what makes you feel better. Well, do some men care? Sure, some might. Right.

Do others not care? They won't care either. So it's just like it is a case-by-case thing. Yeah, I would say you did that work on yourself to lose that weight, then don't negate that by now feeling bad about it. You put a lot of work in. If there's somebody that's going to be ungrateful for the fact that any type of consensual intimacy is happening, fucking see it. Boot them. Boot them instantly and let them know they can get bent. And also, yeah, St. Louis. St. Louis.

I'm not trying to generalize. It's a place to have some saggers. But I think you're crushing it. These slobs in St. Louis should be appreciative. And also, like, you might be overdoing it. Here's the thing. Send us a picture of your tits. There's no way we can really give you... Because that is... I mean, I'm joking, obviously. Yeah.

But this also might be in your head. They might be a little saggy or whatever, but it's also like that's also natural, right? Some people have saggy titties. Some people have dense titties. They hang tight. They hang low, whatever. They come in all shapes and sizes. A thousand percent, I can't emphasize enough, a confident person is...

sexier than a hot person with no confidence. Yep, that's true. Every single time. Most of the time. Let's not get crazy. Most of the time. There is a certain point where you hit that nexus. I won't be able to do it. I won't.

I want to paint with a white brush for the sake of, you know, feeling good. I'm with you. Listen, that's my whole thing is confident guy that looks like shit. But even I have to say this lifestyle has some limitations. But still, yeah, it's like some part of me does wonder, are you being too harsh on yourself about your titties? Like,

And either way, it sounds like you're... You said it's fucking up your sex life, but I don't see how. But also, if you're just... I mean, are you trying to get something else from all this sucking and fucking? Right. What's the ultimate end? If you're being unfulfilled and you're just sucking and fucking, maybe we've got to look at why all the S and F is happening. Yeah, and then it's also, what are you trying to get done? Are you looking to be in a relationship? Because I can tell you, you'll find someone who... That's not an issue there. What are you trying to get done? Is it just your personal body image stuff that...

Did you lose the weight and you're like, oh, this didn't help, but still inside, like now there's something else. Because I'll tell you this much. If it ain't your titties, it's going to be something else. Constantly there will be new insecurities to find.

And then the flip side is also like, hey, look, if there is something that physically you want to do to make yourself feel better, you did it with the weight loss, right? You worked hard. You lost 70 pounds. If you want to, like, you know, get a nice piece of lingerie that keeps your titties lifted up for a special occasion, treat yourself to some of that. If you want to, sometime in the future, get your titties done. I think there's far less judgment on any kind of, like, cosmetic surgery nowadays. For sure, for sure.

Life is so short to not

Get the stuff you want within means. 100%. And look, if you want to do that, great. But I think... But don't feel the need to be. You don't need... Yeah. We aren't saying like, yeah, get them fucking tuned up. You won't have no problems whatsoever. Get them bigger even while you're at it. Yeah, while you're... Look, while we're... The doctor sliced you open. You might as well get huge tits. Real rubbery ones. But yeah. Koi fish eyes. So maybe this isn't...

So maybe that's not the reassurance you want, but I think it's within you. The answer, unfortunately, is within you, right? Yeah, of course you can find...

how you look now, whatever it is, you can find, whatever your goal is, you can get that done if you believe in yourself, right? I really, I think that truly. I don't know, you know, you might be too harsh on the SAG, but there is some, you know, there's clearly people out there that are down regardless. And it's a matter of like, what are your goals? I think you can accomplish them as is, as you are. But if you want to do other shit to like keep...

keep the personal confidence shit boosting, that's possible too. But anyway. I'd like to ask you, are you just making up for a time that maybe you were bigger and you weren't getting laid so you're not just packing it all in like the guy that got married at 19 and is now divorced? And maybe it'll slow down eventually or is it like a sex and love addiction thing? That might turn into something else. Sure. If you're just out there trying to get dick,

Who cares what they think? I also am wondering, like, what is the, like, true motivation here, right? Like, because you're asking, do men care? But it's like, why does that really matter? You know what I mean? If you're using a sentence like, I am sucking and fucking my way through St. Louis, which seems like a Johnny Cash throwaway. Well,

Well, I fucked a man in Reno. He fucked me in the ass. I sucked a man's hard penis. Get me through that arch. Just to watch him come. Get me through that arch, Jesus, and I'll give my life to you. So anyway, good luck, buddy. I'm sure the titties are great. And, you know, keep at whatever, you know, if you want to keep losing weight, you want to keep doing self-improvement, you want to...

You're fine as is, but if you want to tune some shit up, you're fine to do that too. Hopefully we answered your question and we didn't make you insecurity for it. No, no, no. I think you should be proud of what you got done and then work in progress. Yeah.

All right. Well, look, thanks for thank you for calling in. Good luck out there in St. Louis. Thanks, everybody, for calling in. Kyle, thanks for being a guest, man. Super fun. Watch the special, folks. Thanks. Subscribe to our YouTube if you're not on the YouTube. Subscribe to, you know, audio if you're not subscribed to audio. Give us a five star review and we will be back next time, folks. Bye bye.